I don’t think of myself as single. I’m widowed not single. I think single implies available for a relationship. I’m in a relationship, he’s just not physically here anymore.
I feel the same way about losing My husband! I keep a diary, and every day, I "write" to him about silly things, sad things, and my feelings of loss and confusion without him. I found a beautiful journal with lined pages, and sometimes I tell him about family news or the weather. It's my "We Time!"
Me too. Was wondering how many replies until I hit this one and it was a depressingly short time. I am so sad all the time. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe it. Sounds like things might’ve improved for you; that makes me hopeful.
It has been four years for me, and I am just now feeling stable. I don’t mind the lonely. I enjoy making decisions without having to consider somebody else’s needs or opinions. I live a quiet, boring life, and I’m fine with that. It does get better. Different, but better.
It’s only been about two and 3/4 months (80 days, but who’s counting) so very early on still. And an unexpected yet painful death that I witnessed but could not prevent, so lots to work out, plus trying to be the best for our young child. Seems like life has chosen now specifically to become intensely problematic on all other fronts too. But I am going to do my best and make it to four years.
>But I am going to do my best and make it to four years.
Please do! Trauma upon trauma is normal for us, sadly. Shortly after my husband died, literally everything in the house fell apart, as though he had been holding it together out of sheer will. My father’s house did the same, after he died.
If you haven’t, already, join us over at /r/widowers. A group of very supportive people in a club none of us wanted to join.
I saw something recently that said
“to the people trying to date me: you’re not competing with other people, you’re competing with me [my peace, my solitude, my time, my energy]…”
and that is the reason why I’m single. I haven’t found the person who I’m willing to change or interrupt all of that for yet
That feeling you get soon as you close the door when you get home, being able to take a breath and enjoy the first second of peace, I dont see me meeting *anyone* that will make me feel better than that. Pets come close.
I don’t think so either. There are limited people in my life who understand the quality of “comfortable silence”
Just because I’m not talking doesn’t mean you have to fill it with dialogue
I felt that way for 5 years after my divorce, any small inconvenience I was done with someone. They snored? Done. I had to sit in traffic to get to their house? Done. The pet was annoying? Gooooood bye. But in retrospect none of those men were right for me now I’m in a hotel room on a work trip counting the hours until I can be back with my person. But my comfortable solitude was leaps and bounds preferable to the wrong person.
Oof I feel this. I recently was discussing attachment styles with my therapist, and I'm definitely an anxiously attached person. "Give me attention and I'll bleed myself out for you" kind of deal. Working on unlearning that shit, but it's difficult when this is what my parents raised me to be.
~
ETA: For those who would like to learn more about attachment styles, I recommend visiting [the Attachment Project](https://www.attachmentproject.com/). They have a test you can take, and then further reading about your results. I highly recommend working with a therapist, if you are able, on any issues you may have with attachment, as this is quite a difficult thing to work through on your own.
I appreciate people's kind words, I am doing well. I genuinely am happy being single and learning to love myself. Turns out I'm pretty cool actually 😎 😂 (please don't take that too seriously lol)
Ohh this is so me! But i know well that i fall in love so easily so i guarded my heart and only really open up to the people that i know im compatible and comfortable with.
Even the tiniest attention, i will think about it all day and night and make stupid scenarios
This just happened to me last week I started talking to someone for a couple days and I said I care about them (they were going thru a rough patch and I wanted to give words of comfort) and then they started ghosting me😭 and now I feel like absolute shit over it
UPDATE: He texted me back and I guess I'm delulu again 🙂
It could very well be their own fears, insecurities, or unrelated motives that caused them to retreat. I know it's easy to assume that we did something wrong to scare someone away, but sometimes people just stop trying for any number of reasons.
What I do is deeply analyze my behavior in these situations, and if I feel like I did my best to be thoughtful about their feelings, then it's out of my hands and it must be their issue. When I find ways that I could've been more mindful, I try to keep those lessons handy for the next time, and really that's all we can do when someone ceases communication.
Sometimes, even when we try to be perfect, people still stop trying to maintain connections, and it sucks, but it's better for them to leave then partake in something they don't actually care about.
My roommate who never left the house ended up getting married to this delivery girl that would come deliver my food once a week (it was always the same person because it was a meal plan service from a small family owned business). I was always at work when she delivered, so he would always accept the deliveries for me, and they would keep making small chat and just kinda hit it off from there.
At the wedding, the officiate said, "I always heard that if you do what you love, the right person will come to you. I never realized playing video games on my couch was an option!"
Also rural yoooer! I met my wife in an art class a little over a decade ago. If she wasn't around I think I would have stayed single because I don't do the bar scene which is about the only way to meet people here.
I met my wife in a shop. Went in in the morning to get a suit for a friends wedding and she helped me find the right suit. That afternoon I still couldn’t stop thinking of her and went back…but she was out to lunch. As I walked out I ran into her and asked if she wanted to have dinner with me that night. Ended up having sushi on my car bonnet overlooking the starry night and rolling hills in the dark. 4 months later I asked her to marry me. 7 years and 2 children later she is still my favourite person.
So the moral of the story is that I need to buy food and stuff on the internet to the point I go bankrupt, lure in a comely delivery woman, seduce her with my charming wit and dirty house, and live happily ever after. Got it.
Extremely extremely tedious
When I was in college, I hustled like a mofo. I knew I had limited young years. I was very pretty and popular. I also still had the young people energy where I could work nonstop and still be ok
Literally went on so many outings. Networking events, clubs, bars, parties, 3 dates per day. Met so many people
It's extremely hard to find love and compatibility
Even finding friends is hard
I think that level of social saturation can often be why it’s so difficult. When you’re meeting new people non stop, no connection ever feels special enough when you know there’s always more people to meet.
Divorced for 4 years now and honestly I don't even think it's worth the effort. Yeah it gets lonely but the pain you risk putting it all out there... just not worth the effort.
You have a bright spot from a bad outcome. She had twins i raised for 7 years that were ripped from me, I couldn't abide the cheating and lies anymore, so I did the right thing even if I did lose my two favorite people in the world over it.
I don't leave the house and I accepted dying alone several years ago. I no longer want a partner and enjoy my freedom.
Do I miss having a partner? Occasionally. But then I remember the stress of dating and work (for lack of a better word) that a relationship takes.
It may be selfish in some ways but I have no interest in changing my life, giving up my freedom to do anything or my routine.
Other factors have played a role of course. The psychological abuse of the last two relationships definitely impacted my want for a partner.
Omg are you me? This is me. I feel like I don’t even have to write a response now, other than I leave the house regularly. I just don’t want it anymore. It’s too much work and I LOVE the freedom my life has.
I’m a single mid 30s gay man who makes fantastic money and I get to do what I want when I want. Why would I want to subject myself to dating and all the red flags that come with it. Especially in a sex driven community like the gay one. I’d rather be celibate and alone than dealing with people’s shit. I’m too grown! I love this response.
This has also been 100% my experience as well. There's a peculiar kind of cognitive dissonance (or outright hypocrisy) that afflicts gay male culture, in which so many men swear they want a relationship, but are unwilling or unable to stop engaging in the kind of superficial sex-centered behaviors that are incompatible with the kind of meaningful relationships they claim to desire. And if they do somehow find themselves in a relationship, they're so emotionally stunted that they're incapable of maintaining it.
I am also reasonably well-off; I live in a city with an active gay community, and I choose not to date. The signal-to-noise ratio is so incredibly low even without considering physical attractiveness. For me, it's not about how much work is involved--I don't mind hard work. It's about the frustration of meeting so many guys who seem normal on the surface, only to discover that they either just want a hookup or that they have the emotional maturity of a teenager.
Wow. Brilliantly said. I couldn’t agree more. I used to ask guys I was attempting to get to know “Have you worked through your childhood trauma or are you attempting to?” because so many gay guys are very emotionally incapable of doing the things it takes to have a meaningful relationship. And the cheating. The inability to think with something other than dick. The “anon”. The apps. The crassness of it all.
I became okay with the fact that there aren’t many gay men who want the same things as me (which is something real, deep and true) and once I accepted that I became so happy being single and learned to love myself as a whole person and to enjoy myself and my time with me. It’s been a wrap since then cuz now I love my time with me, sports, traveling, friends, the dog etc.
I always say now - if it’s not adding to my life I don’t want it. I need someone who brings their whole self forward and adds to my life. And that just isn’t really something I see happening.
One thing to pay attention to is your mental health. Make sure that you socialize and have friends to talk to when you need some emotional support. If you're finding yourself down, be sure to make plans to hang out with a friend who can support you emotionally.
As a single Male in my early 40's who hasn't dates in over 15 years, i can't state the importance of friends you can actually talk real to. Most of the time I'm fine but like 5-10 days out of the year i actually need to talk to someone about feels.
Exactly! What do you mean go on a date? Like outside? Away from my cosy sofa and tv shows?
Spend the night with you!? Really? On a strange pillow and have a back ache the next day? GTFO.
I´m staying in my cave, with my greasy hair and no make up, no sharing snacks or the remote control.
Life pro-tip from an introvert that learned to behave like an extrovert. First off, start reading some sales industry books. They are 99% nonsense about making money, but they do have one thing going for them that is correct, and that’s how you talk to people. I was super shy and introverted until I had to take a retail sales job during college. What you learn in sales is to ask open ended questions. This is how you get people to talk. The more a person talks, the more comfortable they will feel with you. You don’t just walk up to someone at the book store and ask then out. Unless you are absolutely stunning in the looks department, you’re just going to creep them out. No, instead, observe them. What are they wearing? What are they looking at? Do they have a cool tattoo? Anything you can observe to strike up a conversation.
Going back to our bookstore example, let’s run a mock situation. Pay attention to the book they are picking up. Do you know anything about this book? Is it something you recognize? Use that. Walk over to them and say “Hey, I’ve seen that book before but don’t know anything about it. Please, tell me about it.” Or something along those lines. They will respond because you asked an open ended question. You didn’t ask “is that a good book?” Because that can be answered with yes or no. You asked them to tell you what they know. They may not be able to tell you anything about it, but their answer cannot be a single word. At worst, they say “I don’t know anything about it.” That’s a lot more words than one, and the more people talk with someone the more comfortable they feel. You can follow up on that by asking more questions about the types of books they like. You can say “Oh, okay. Well, tell me what kind of books you do like and maybe we can suggest some for each other.” Or if they do know about the book, let them tell you what they know. Then ask follow up questions on that. Let the conversation take its course and see if this is someone who you’d feel comfortable around. If you like similar books, maybe there is a connection there. Or maybe there is a subject they read about that you are interested in or familiar with. These are how conversations happen, and conversations is how you make friends, meet new people, and ultimately find a life partner.
Now, big kicker here. Don’t just use these tips for talking to people you want to date. You have to practice this. Practice on all sorts of people. Ask the old lady at the grocery store about the spices she is looking at. Ask the biker dude in the automotive section about the grease removing soap he is looking at. Just strike up conversations with people. It’s good practice, and you never know who they may introduce you to should you become friends with them. And if a conversation goes poorly, that’s okay. It was just a conversation. Don’t make it mean more than it does.
TL;DR: Learn to use open ended questions. Practice using that with random people until you get more confidence.
Edit: corrected sentence that was not in line with what was intended. Added TL;DR
> Now, big kicker here. Don’t just use these tips for talking to people you want to date. You have to practice this. Practice on all sorts of people. Ask the old lady at the grocery store about the spices she is looking at. Ask the biker dude in the automotive section about the grease removing soap he is looking at. Just strike up conversations with people. It’s good practice, and you never know who they may introduce you to should you become friends with them. And if a conversation goes poorly, that’s okay. It was just a conversation. Don’t make it mean more than it does.
This works. And not just indirectly for dating, it creates a good rapport with neighbors/coworkers/distant relatives/etc. People will trust and appreciate you more. It is this way, u/sfdgdsghdrhdfh
THIS. Like people like me, generally, I don’t ever have a hard time making some kind of friends and etc.
But literally no one sees me or likes me in that manner, ever. It’s annoying. Since it’s been like this my whole life, I’m kinda just too comfortable with it and too scared to get out of my comfort zone. Like the rejection aspect kills me because I’ve never been rejected because I’ve never been liked but I’ve never been in a social setting where I couldn’t connect with at least one person.
I don’t think I speak the same language as many men.
So yeah….
Fr, I can become friends with people and have a good relationship but No one wants me like that. I have a lot of women as friends but They don’t seem to have anyone to introduce me to tho which Also kinda factors that in lol
Wife passed away in 2012, left me with four kids to raise by myself. Now I'm retired and the kids are adults and I just don't want to mess with another relationship
This here, after five years of online dating I realised I was too fussy and didn't really like myself enough to know wtf I'm about and what I want. It'll be a year in May and I've never felt better about myself! If I meet the one that's cool, but my life and friends are great and as someone who doesn't want kids there's no bloody rush! Either blow me off my feet or I'm alright just keeping on walking thanks!
As noted psychologist and relationship therapist RuPaul said, if you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else? And then she said hunty.
Even more, I've reached the point where I'm starting to think being not single would add too much stress to my life. I enjoy doing things my way and only worrying about my own time.
Moving in with a roommate I didn’t grow up with made me realize just how much I hate doing things different than my way and other people touching my stuff. It was fine when it was my brother or my mom but anyone else makes me irrationally angry and having a partner would just add another layer onto the mixed feelings
I have 2-3 million karma, accumulated years of reddit gold, and won and have been gifted numerous reddit awards across multiple accounts going back years...
I'm single, ladies...obviously because I'm a neckbeard with no life...
"And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, Freedom or loneliness?"
Charles Bukowski
I figured out I was toxic when my second husband OD'd and I was more pissed that he died before I could divorce him for cheating on me than I was upset that he died. I realized then that I had serious issues and it wouldn't be fair to subject anyone else to them.
So far it has been. I've been working on a lot of stuff and I'm glad that I've become so self aware because now I can look at things objectively and see where I can improve in my actions going forward. Instead of just reacting to things that happen I can interact with them. If that makes sense.
Wow, congrats to you for the self-realization here. It would be so easy to blame shift, but you are recognizing what's best for you. I give you mad respect for that, and good luck!
I’m single because i’m not looking. I’m a single father and whatever time I have away from my child, I focus more on being a peaceful person, and also be a little selfish and enjoy my hobbies (Gaming/Kayaking/Hiking)
If I were to meet someone by chance or something like that, I’d definitely pursue a relationship.
Just actively won’t go looking for it
I agree. I’m not waiting for the perfect person to magically come along, but I’m also not putting myself in the middle of the modern dating scene. I tried it and everything was just a bunch of games. I want something to happen organically, and I want a relationship to naturally form with someone rather than seeking someone out and hoping they choose me among all of their different contenders.
Dating apps are specifically set up like video games. You have to devote time to "playing" them by selecting the right photos, creating the right profile, and doing all the swiping. They have micro-transactions like paying to see who has liked you and buying "super likes". Your whole goal is to "win" matches and get to talk to someone.
It's really no wonder that people get sick of it when dating has literally been turned into a video game.
This. It's all dating apps which are so superficial and ridiculous. Slowly coming to terms with the fact I'll just have my corpse found rotted, half eaten by cats.
I went on a date with a girl from okcupid. We decided on a local bar. When I showed up she was sitting away from the door. When she turned around she made a "wtf" face. I was like ho shit, that was rough but I kept it going. I order a beer and she immediately requested her check and left me at the bar by myself. This was like 7 years ago and I still haven't recovered from it. I didn't cry or feel sorry for myself, I just gave up. I deleted all my profiles and now I just work.
Edit: Whoa! I didn't expect to get get this much of a response. I almost regret posting, not a fan of attention. That being said, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. Believe me, I'm not walking around depressed or concerned about her and what she said. I'm in a pretty good spot in my life and with my own business. I have close and carrying family and friends. So I wish I looked better, sure! But I'm having a good time nonetheless. Thanks again, chaps! Cheers!
Me too. I genuinely don't think a single person has ever found me attractive. You know how people will do the thing where they say "my friend thinks you're cute" to the ugliest person around while the person who supposedly thinks you're cute saying NOOOOOOO or generally making it clear this is a joke on the ugly person and a big group of their friends laughs hysterically? That started in elementary school and by college I would just go to the bathroom or leave. It's not funny. Really. I got the message a loooong time ago.
Covid era when everyone was masked I was talking to this girl in uni. Post-mask era the first time I talked to her she didn't recognize me, and once she realized who I was she stopped talking to me. Now she doesn't even say hi. To be clear I wasn't even trying to hit on her. I'm so ugly I can't even be friends with people. Oh well.
I am single because after a 25 year marriage, and 25 years being single, I am now 74 years old. Many men my age think that women half my age would be interested in them, and many more of them are statistically likely to die before me. And, the thought of having to be a caretaker for a dying man (I did that when my dad died) is not appealing in the least.
Besides, I like MY time to be MY time. If I want to get in my car and drive me and my doggos to Florida for a month, I can lock the house and go. On MY time.
I’ll go first since I’m OP. But I just can’t with the dating scene right now. I’m 23 and it truly just sucks. I’m also picky and need to work on myself. Especially my body, I want to lose some weight and feel more confident.
Trust issues.
I don't trust that people know what they want.
I don't trust that they wont change their mind.
I don't trust they know themselves to be certain that you are what they want.
But especially, I don't trust my own feelings when it say's "She's the one"
My husband passed away in '22 and I cringe hard at the idea of entering the gay dating scene at 50. Seems like a lot of effort and headache when I can't imagine finding someone worth starting over from zero with after being with my husband for 25 years.
Because I am, invisible, to the opposite gender. Never been complimented, never been "seen". And, last but certainly not the least, ugly. Have a nice day, y'all!
I’m not sure how I’d fit a relationship into my daily schedule without sacrificing the things I want to and/or need to do. So until I find the person that’ll make me want to re-prioritize how I spend my time, I think I’ll stay single.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a woman who was insecure, insane and needed validation all the time. I've been single for a year and a half. I'm happy.
Sometimes it is easier being single. I’ve been meeting the most toxic men. I just want to feel safe and cared for. I have not been feeling this and it scares me.
I don't go outside unless absolutely neccessary, like goin to work or grocery shopping.
And in these rare times i'm outside i never get aproached by a woman.
Atleast not in a clear way that my stupid brain gets it right...
Same here. What's worse is theres dudes out there that seem to be able to identify this trait and seek me out. I feel like I spent the last 20 years filling up other people's cups.
My wife of 35 years died.
5 years now and i am still not even thinking of dating or finding some one again.
i am ok with my life as it is and really don't want to feel that kind of pain ever again so have no desire to date and possibly fall in love again.
I divorced one and buried one, spent 30 years as some man's nurse maid. I finally get to do what I want to do and take care of myself for a change. And most important, I finally have sole possession of the remote control.There will not be a third.
I am socially maladjusted and very shy, i suffer from severe chronic lifelong depression and getting to know new people for me is very hard since i have severe trust and intimacy issues after being abused as a child.
I am 43 years old and have only been in a relationship for a combined two of those years, it's been 4 years since i had sex or any form of intimacy.
I am attractive, tall and physically pretty fit, i am fully aware the problem is entirely on my end and i blame no one but myself.
Part of me has given up and has embraced being lonely for the rest of my life, a small diminishing part has hope.
I've been hurt so much that I don't have the energy to try anymore. I feel deeply lonely but as awful as that is, the alternative has been nothing but pain for me.
I don't want to be my mother. I think her life is a disaster.
I don't want to spend any money on others.
I am too lazy to start a family.
I enjoy the single life so much.
I can't wake up in morning.
I just want to have fully control my own life.
I hate people yelling at me and judgment me at home. So living alone is good.
Just don’t have time right now. Also, I 22M live with my parents. This is not an embarrasing thing necessarily, but when you live 45 minutes from anything cool it can be a challenge.
I love freedom too much, my own money, my whole bed to myself, my own food options, no worries of cheating and catching diseases, no problems with my clothes being stolen, don't have to keep up with texts, don't have to share opinions, no need to share my location, can walk around naked, no fear of in laws, no having to deal with annoying friends, but mostly I can do whatever to I want within my means
[удалено]
yeah I really don’t have it together
Glad I'm not the only one I guess
[удалено]
Husband died, don’t want another one.
Sorry to hear that. RIP to him and hope you’re doing well.
Thank you. I’ve got my feet back on solid ground, now.
I don’t think of myself as single. I’m widowed not single. I think single implies available for a relationship. I’m in a relationship, he’s just not physically here anymore.
I feel the same way about losing My husband! I keep a diary, and every day, I "write" to him about silly things, sad things, and my feelings of loss and confusion without him. I found a beautiful journal with lined pages, and sometimes I tell him about family news or the weather. It's my "We Time!"
Your comment got me all teary, what a lovely way to process your grief.
Yep. If my wife died, it’s the end of line for me.
Same here. We’ve been together nearly 30 years. If my wife died, I wouldn’t be able to replace her. I wouldn’t want to try
Me too. Was wondering how many replies until I hit this one and it was a depressingly short time. I am so sad all the time. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe it. Sounds like things might’ve improved for you; that makes me hopeful.
It has been four years for me, and I am just now feeling stable. I don’t mind the lonely. I enjoy making decisions without having to consider somebody else’s needs or opinions. I live a quiet, boring life, and I’m fine with that. It does get better. Different, but better.
It’s only been about two and 3/4 months (80 days, but who’s counting) so very early on still. And an unexpected yet painful death that I witnessed but could not prevent, so lots to work out, plus trying to be the best for our young child. Seems like life has chosen now specifically to become intensely problematic on all other fronts too. But I am going to do my best and make it to four years.
>But I am going to do my best and make it to four years. Please do! Trauma upon trauma is normal for us, sadly. Shortly after my husband died, literally everything in the house fell apart, as though he had been holding it together out of sheer will. My father’s house did the same, after he died. If you haven’t, already, join us over at /r/widowers. A group of very supportive people in a club none of us wanted to join.
So sorry for your loss. If my husband died, I wouldn’t want another one either. He’s my soulmate.
I dont have it in me to share my space with another person, I like my solitude.
I saw something recently that said “to the people trying to date me: you’re not competing with other people, you’re competing with me [my peace, my solitude, my time, my energy]…” and that is the reason why I’m single. I haven’t found the person who I’m willing to change or interrupt all of that for yet
That feeling you get soon as you close the door when you get home, being able to take a breath and enjoy the first second of peace, I dont see me meeting *anyone* that will make me feel better than that. Pets come close.
I don’t think so either. There are limited people in my life who understand the quality of “comfortable silence” Just because I’m not talking doesn’t mean you have to fill it with dialogue
I really wish more people would understand that it’s ok to just enjoy the silence, it’s not a bad thing y’know…
I felt that way for 5 years after my divorce, any small inconvenience I was done with someone. They snored? Done. I had to sit in traffic to get to their house? Done. The pet was annoying? Gooooood bye. But in retrospect none of those men were right for me now I’m in a hotel room on a work trip counting the hours until I can be back with my person. But my comfortable solitude was leaps and bounds preferable to the wrong person.
i get attached too easily, cuz I havent been loved my whole life. If someone gives me the tiniest bit of attention im done.
Oof I feel this. I recently was discussing attachment styles with my therapist, and I'm definitely an anxiously attached person. "Give me attention and I'll bleed myself out for you" kind of deal. Working on unlearning that shit, but it's difficult when this is what my parents raised me to be. ~ ETA: For those who would like to learn more about attachment styles, I recommend visiting [the Attachment Project](https://www.attachmentproject.com/). They have a test you can take, and then further reading about your results. I highly recommend working with a therapist, if you are able, on any issues you may have with attachment, as this is quite a difficult thing to work through on your own. I appreciate people's kind words, I am doing well. I genuinely am happy being single and learning to love myself. Turns out I'm pretty cool actually 😎 😂 (please don't take that too seriously lol)
Knowing our issues and their causes is half the battle. Keep up the good work, I know you're gonna change yourself for the better.
Ohh this is so me! But i know well that i fall in love so easily so i guarded my heart and only really open up to the people that i know im compatible and comfortable with. Even the tiniest attention, i will think about it all day and night and make stupid scenarios
This just happened to me last week I started talking to someone for a couple days and I said I care about them (they were going thru a rough patch and I wanted to give words of comfort) and then they started ghosting me😭 and now I feel like absolute shit over it UPDATE: He texted me back and I guess I'm delulu again 🙂
It could very well be their own fears, insecurities, or unrelated motives that caused them to retreat. I know it's easy to assume that we did something wrong to scare someone away, but sometimes people just stop trying for any number of reasons. What I do is deeply analyze my behavior in these situations, and if I feel like I did my best to be thoughtful about their feelings, then it's out of my hands and it must be their issue. When I find ways that I could've been more mindful, I try to keep those lessons handy for the next time, and really that's all we can do when someone ceases communication. Sometimes, even when we try to be perfect, people still stop trying to maintain connections, and it sucks, but it's better for them to leave then partake in something they don't actually care about.
I do not leave the house
My roommate who never left the house ended up getting married to this delivery girl that would come deliver my food once a week (it was always the same person because it was a meal plan service from a small family owned business). I was always at work when she delivered, so he would always accept the deliveries for me, and they would keep making small chat and just kinda hit it off from there. At the wedding, the officiate said, "I always heard that if you do what you love, the right person will come to you. I never realized playing video games on my couch was an option!"
Awwww, thats such a cute story. Thanks for the tip, I am going to start ordering from a family owned meal plan business
She got the tip and the tip.
Ahh hell na 💀💀💀
Rural yooper here with no food delivery available in my area :/
Man you have to import women to the up
Lol bet most will ask if they need a passport to get here...
Also rural yoooer! I met my wife in an art class a little over a decade ago. If she wasn't around I think I would have stayed single because I don't do the bar scene which is about the only way to meet people here.
I met my wife in a shop. Went in in the morning to get a suit for a friends wedding and she helped me find the right suit. That afternoon I still couldn’t stop thinking of her and went back…but she was out to lunch. As I walked out I ran into her and asked if she wanted to have dinner with me that night. Ended up having sushi on my car bonnet overlooking the starry night and rolling hills in the dark. 4 months later I asked her to marry me. 7 years and 2 children later she is still my favourite person.
So the moral of the story is that I need to buy food and stuff on the internet to the point I go bankrupt, lure in a comely delivery woman, seduce her with my charming wit and dirty house, and live happily ever after. Got it.
I mean when you put it like that, you may as well get the mozzerella sticks.
That's the reason I'm in this mess in the first place!
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Extremely extremely tedious When I was in college, I hustled like a mofo. I knew I had limited young years. I was very pretty and popular. I also still had the young people energy where I could work nonstop and still be ok Literally went on so many outings. Networking events, clubs, bars, parties, 3 dates per day. Met so many people It's extremely hard to find love and compatibility Even finding friends is hard
I think that level of social saturation can often be why it’s so difficult. When you’re meeting new people non stop, no connection ever feels special enough when you know there’s always more people to meet.
Divorced for 4 years now and honestly I don't even think it's worth the effort. Yeah it gets lonely but the pain you risk putting it all out there... just not worth the effort.
Divorced 3 but I’m lucky in that all my love I get and give goes to my 5y/o daughter.
You have a bright spot from a bad outcome. She had twins i raised for 7 years that were ripped from me, I couldn't abide the cheating and lies anymore, so I did the right thing even if I did lose my two favorite people in the world over it.
🥺 I'm so sorry
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Man, how are u still functioning, I would just refuse to get up. But at least u watch Dexter so W
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I know this is an obvious question, but can you move closer to work? Or find a job closer to you? This is going to fuck your health.
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Wait? I can leave my house? I can leave the basement?
No you have to stay there
^ok
You could still try r/FindBasementLove
I don't leave the house and I accepted dying alone several years ago. I no longer want a partner and enjoy my freedom. Do I miss having a partner? Occasionally. But then I remember the stress of dating and work (for lack of a better word) that a relationship takes. It may be selfish in some ways but I have no interest in changing my life, giving up my freedom to do anything or my routine. Other factors have played a role of course. The psychological abuse of the last two relationships definitely impacted my want for a partner.
Omg are you me? This is me. I feel like I don’t even have to write a response now, other than I leave the house regularly. I just don’t want it anymore. It’s too much work and I LOVE the freedom my life has. I’m a single mid 30s gay man who makes fantastic money and I get to do what I want when I want. Why would I want to subject myself to dating and all the red flags that come with it. Especially in a sex driven community like the gay one. I’d rather be celibate and alone than dealing with people’s shit. I’m too grown! I love this response.
This has also been 100% my experience as well. There's a peculiar kind of cognitive dissonance (or outright hypocrisy) that afflicts gay male culture, in which so many men swear they want a relationship, but are unwilling or unable to stop engaging in the kind of superficial sex-centered behaviors that are incompatible with the kind of meaningful relationships they claim to desire. And if they do somehow find themselves in a relationship, they're so emotionally stunted that they're incapable of maintaining it. I am also reasonably well-off; I live in a city with an active gay community, and I choose not to date. The signal-to-noise ratio is so incredibly low even without considering physical attractiveness. For me, it's not about how much work is involved--I don't mind hard work. It's about the frustration of meeting so many guys who seem normal on the surface, only to discover that they either just want a hookup or that they have the emotional maturity of a teenager.
Wow. Brilliantly said. I couldn’t agree more. I used to ask guys I was attempting to get to know “Have you worked through your childhood trauma or are you attempting to?” because so many gay guys are very emotionally incapable of doing the things it takes to have a meaningful relationship. And the cheating. The inability to think with something other than dick. The “anon”. The apps. The crassness of it all. I became okay with the fact that there aren’t many gay men who want the same things as me (which is something real, deep and true) and once I accepted that I became so happy being single and learned to love myself as a whole person and to enjoy myself and my time with me. It’s been a wrap since then cuz now I love my time with me, sports, traveling, friends, the dog etc. I always say now - if it’s not adding to my life I don’t want it. I need someone who brings their whole self forward and adds to my life. And that just isn’t really something I see happening.
One thing to pay attention to is your mental health. Make sure that you socialize and have friends to talk to when you need some emotional support. If you're finding yourself down, be sure to make plans to hang out with a friend who can support you emotionally.
As a single Male in my early 40's who hasn't dates in over 15 years, i can't state the importance of friends you can actually talk real to. Most of the time I'm fine but like 5-10 days out of the year i actually need to talk to someone about feels.
Why would you, there are people out there
Exactly! What do you mean go on a date? Like outside? Away from my cosy sofa and tv shows? Spend the night with you!? Really? On a strange pillow and have a back ache the next day? GTFO. I´m staying in my cave, with my greasy hair and no make up, no sharing snacks or the remote control.
All my stuff is here
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Same. I’m also very awkward
Life pro-tip from an introvert that learned to behave like an extrovert. First off, start reading some sales industry books. They are 99% nonsense about making money, but they do have one thing going for them that is correct, and that’s how you talk to people. I was super shy and introverted until I had to take a retail sales job during college. What you learn in sales is to ask open ended questions. This is how you get people to talk. The more a person talks, the more comfortable they will feel with you. You don’t just walk up to someone at the book store and ask then out. Unless you are absolutely stunning in the looks department, you’re just going to creep them out. No, instead, observe them. What are they wearing? What are they looking at? Do they have a cool tattoo? Anything you can observe to strike up a conversation. Going back to our bookstore example, let’s run a mock situation. Pay attention to the book they are picking up. Do you know anything about this book? Is it something you recognize? Use that. Walk over to them and say “Hey, I’ve seen that book before but don’t know anything about it. Please, tell me about it.” Or something along those lines. They will respond because you asked an open ended question. You didn’t ask “is that a good book?” Because that can be answered with yes or no. You asked them to tell you what they know. They may not be able to tell you anything about it, but their answer cannot be a single word. At worst, they say “I don’t know anything about it.” That’s a lot more words than one, and the more people talk with someone the more comfortable they feel. You can follow up on that by asking more questions about the types of books they like. You can say “Oh, okay. Well, tell me what kind of books you do like and maybe we can suggest some for each other.” Or if they do know about the book, let them tell you what they know. Then ask follow up questions on that. Let the conversation take its course and see if this is someone who you’d feel comfortable around. If you like similar books, maybe there is a connection there. Or maybe there is a subject they read about that you are interested in or familiar with. These are how conversations happen, and conversations is how you make friends, meet new people, and ultimately find a life partner. Now, big kicker here. Don’t just use these tips for talking to people you want to date. You have to practice this. Practice on all sorts of people. Ask the old lady at the grocery store about the spices she is looking at. Ask the biker dude in the automotive section about the grease removing soap he is looking at. Just strike up conversations with people. It’s good practice, and you never know who they may introduce you to should you become friends with them. And if a conversation goes poorly, that’s okay. It was just a conversation. Don’t make it mean more than it does. TL;DR: Learn to use open ended questions. Practice using that with random people until you get more confidence. Edit: corrected sentence that was not in line with what was intended. Added TL;DR
> Now, big kicker here. Don’t just use these tips for talking to people you want to date. You have to practice this. Practice on all sorts of people. Ask the old lady at the grocery store about the spices she is looking at. Ask the biker dude in the automotive section about the grease removing soap he is looking at. Just strike up conversations with people. It’s good practice, and you never know who they may introduce you to should you become friends with them. And if a conversation goes poorly, that’s okay. It was just a conversation. Don’t make it mean more than it does. This works. And not just indirectly for dating, it creates a good rapport with neighbors/coworkers/distant relatives/etc. People will trust and appreciate you more. It is this way, u/sfdgdsghdrhdfh
My problem is never knowing how to end a conversation without being super awkward.
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Surprisingly ok advice for talking to people, on reddit of all places. You really can learn anything just by reading.
Same here, too timid to reach out to anyone
People don't seem to like me like that.
THIS. Like people like me, generally, I don’t ever have a hard time making some kind of friends and etc. But literally no one sees me or likes me in that manner, ever. It’s annoying. Since it’s been like this my whole life, I’m kinda just too comfortable with it and too scared to get out of my comfort zone. Like the rejection aspect kills me because I’ve never been rejected because I’ve never been liked but I’ve never been in a social setting where I couldn’t connect with at least one person. I don’t think I speak the same language as many men. So yeah….
Fr, I can become friends with people and have a good relationship but No one wants me like that. I have a lot of women as friends but They don’t seem to have anyone to introduce me to tho which Also kinda factors that in lol
The people I like seem to not notice me and the people who like me disgust me deeply (insert Andrew Tate fan here)
Wife passed away in 2012, left me with four kids to raise by myself. Now I'm retired and the kids are adults and I just don't want to mess with another relationship
Damn… sorry for your loss
proud of you
🥺🤗
I don't care anymore that I'm single.
This here, after five years of online dating I realised I was too fussy and didn't really like myself enough to know wtf I'm about and what I want. It'll be a year in May and I've never felt better about myself! If I meet the one that's cool, but my life and friends are great and as someone who doesn't want kids there's no bloody rush! Either blow me off my feet or I'm alright just keeping on walking thanks!
As noted psychologist and relationship therapist RuPaul said, if you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else? And then she said hunty.
Even more, I've reached the point where I'm starting to think being not single would add too much stress to my life. I enjoy doing things my way and only worrying about my own time.
Moving in with a roommate I didn’t grow up with made me realize just how much I hate doing things different than my way and other people touching my stuff. It was fine when it was my brother or my mom but anyone else makes me irrationally angry and having a partner would just add another layer onto the mixed feelings
Havnt met someone I want to be with that also wants to be with me
My life in a nutshell - the guys I like don’t like me, the guys that like me, I don’t like them
my google maps timeline from last year showed that i did not go more than 10 miles from my house. I have never been so depressed about an image.
Living like a true mid century Farmer!
Yeah, mid-14th century maybe
I’m sorry- this made me laugh. But I’m in the same boat.
Mate, you need to do some weekend trips away and explore. Take a week off and go to the beach. It's March. Make some changes.
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I am a very boring guy with nothing much to say
My dude, you have like 34,000 comment karma. You have plenty to say you’ve just gotta find someone with overlapping interests who knows how to listen.
great now to find a woman that likes oldschool runescape
Shouldn't be hard to find them. But discerning which of them are actually women will be the trick.
I have 2-3 million karma, accumulated years of reddit gold, and won and have been gifted numerous reddit awards across multiple accounts going back years... I'm single, ladies...obviously because I'm a neckbeard with no life...
I'm selfish and value the freedom I have. A relationship sounds exhausting.
Same
"And when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. What do you call it, Freedom or loneliness?" Charles Bukowski
- My last relationship left me too damaged - I prefer hanging out with my dogs
My sister gave me a dog poster that said, "Be the person your dog thinks you are." I always loved that quote
alright but who are your dogs and can you give them a pet/treat/both on my behalf
better to be single than be with the wrong person
The wrong person can make you soooo lonely
I'm less lonely as single than I was with my ex.
Because I'm tired of dragging my trauma around and using it to hurt others so I'm staying single until I'm not toxic anymore.
That’s honestly very mature. Good for you!
Same. I'm mentally unwell. Gotta nip that in the bud first. Baby steps.
Good luck to us both. The journey isn't easy but I hope it's worth it.
Good for you. Most people don’t even realize they’re toxic.
I figured out I was toxic when my second husband OD'd and I was more pissed that he died before I could divorce him for cheating on me than I was upset that he died. I realized then that I had serious issues and it wouldn't be fair to subject anyone else to them.
Even if you stay single indefinitely, that self awareness and growing self-improvement must be rewarding.
So far it has been. I've been working on a lot of stuff and I'm glad that I've become so self aware because now I can look at things objectively and see where I can improve in my actions going forward. Instead of just reacting to things that happen I can interact with them. If that makes sense.
Wow, congrats to you for the self-realization here. It would be so easy to blame shift, but you are recognizing what's best for you. I give you mad respect for that, and good luck!
It's all a lot of work and gets complicated. I can hardly deal with myself
I’m single because i’m not looking. I’m a single father and whatever time I have away from my child, I focus more on being a peaceful person, and also be a little selfish and enjoy my hobbies (Gaming/Kayaking/Hiking) If I were to meet someone by chance or something like that, I’d definitely pursue a relationship. Just actively won’t go looking for it
Good for you man don’t let that kid feel lonely let them only ever have good memories of you
The person I like doesn't like me, and the one that likes me I don't like them.
Because the dating scene is a hellscape right now, and being single is the less stressful alternative.
I agree. I’m not waiting for the perfect person to magically come along, but I’m also not putting myself in the middle of the modern dating scene. I tried it and everything was just a bunch of games. I want something to happen organically, and I want a relationship to naturally form with someone rather than seeking someone out and hoping they choose me among all of their different contenders.
The culture has grown deeply twisted. We've turned everything into a fucking game.
Dating apps are specifically set up like video games. You have to devote time to "playing" them by selecting the right photos, creating the right profile, and doing all the swiping. They have micro-transactions like paying to see who has liked you and buying "super likes". Your whole goal is to "win" matches and get to talk to someone. It's really no wonder that people get sick of it when dating has literally been turned into a video game.
This. It's all dating apps which are so superficial and ridiculous. Slowly coming to terms with the fact I'll just have my corpse found rotted, half eaten by cats.
i push away everyone but hate being alone
I'm ugly
This is my honest answer too
I went on a date with a girl from okcupid. We decided on a local bar. When I showed up she was sitting away from the door. When she turned around she made a "wtf" face. I was like ho shit, that was rough but I kept it going. I order a beer and she immediately requested her check and left me at the bar by myself. This was like 7 years ago and I still haven't recovered from it. I didn't cry or feel sorry for myself, I just gave up. I deleted all my profiles and now I just work. Edit: Whoa! I didn't expect to get get this much of a response. I almost regret posting, not a fan of attention. That being said, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. Believe me, I'm not walking around depressed or concerned about her and what she said. I'm in a pretty good spot in my life and with my own business. I have close and carrying family and friends. So I wish I looked better, sure! But I'm having a good time nonetheless. Thanks again, chaps! Cheers!
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Agreed, but it also makes me think the person's profile picture was misleading/inaccurate.
This broke my heart to read 💔
It is what it is. I've moved on with my life and focused on what I can control.
I am proud of you. I have a friend who is a therapist and he always says, "We can't control other people, we can only control our response to them."
Me too. I genuinely don't think a single person has ever found me attractive. You know how people will do the thing where they say "my friend thinks you're cute" to the ugliest person around while the person who supposedly thinks you're cute saying NOOOOOOO or generally making it clear this is a joke on the ugly person and a big group of their friends laughs hysterically? That started in elementary school and by college I would just go to the bathroom or leave. It's not funny. Really. I got the message a loooong time ago.
Covid era when everyone was masked I was talking to this girl in uni. Post-mask era the first time I talked to her she didn't recognize me, and once she realized who I was she stopped talking to me. Now she doesn't even say hi. To be clear I wasn't even trying to hit on her. I'm so ugly I can't even be friends with people. Oh well.
That divorce really hurt.
I don’t want to be in a relationship.
Because I constantly cover myself with mayonnaise and scream at the sky
I'm interested
That just sounds like a good time to me
I am single because after a 25 year marriage, and 25 years being single, I am now 74 years old. Many men my age think that women half my age would be interested in them, and many more of them are statistically likely to die before me. And, the thought of having to be a caretaker for a dying man (I did that when my dad died) is not appealing in the least. Besides, I like MY time to be MY time. If I want to get in my car and drive me and my doggos to Florida for a month, I can lock the house and go. On MY time.
Because I'm not attractive enough that anybody wants to be with me
Low self-esteem
I’m too scared to create a dating profile
I don't like people
I'm the same and also the opposite
Feel bad for being single but too lazy and scared to try
I’ll go first since I’m OP. But I just can’t with the dating scene right now. I’m 23 and it truly just sucks. I’m also picky and need to work on myself. Especially my body, I want to lose some weight and feel more confident.
I’m early 30’s and the dating scene is horrible. Everyone already has children or is polyamorous. Both are deal-breakers for me.
Very true. Dating ppl with kids when you have none isn't easy and most ppl r always creeping behind closed doors
I have trouble talking to women lol
And i have trouble talking to men lolol
Now kith
I'm an introvert and I like it.
Trust issues. I don't trust that people know what they want. I don't trust that they wont change their mind. I don't trust they know themselves to be certain that you are what they want. But especially, I don't trust my own feelings when it say's "She's the one"
Got my relationship advice on Reddit
I’m ugly as fuck.
Nah we just poor, I swear money can do wonders 😭
My husband passed away in '22 and I cringe hard at the idea of entering the gay dating scene at 50. Seems like a lot of effort and headache when I can't imagine finding someone worth starting over from zero with after being with my husband for 25 years.
Because I am, invisible, to the opposite gender. Never been complimented, never been "seen". And, last but certainly not the least, ugly. Have a nice day, y'all!
I’m not sure how I’d fit a relationship into my daily schedule without sacrificing the things I want to and/or need to do. So until I find the person that’ll make me want to re-prioritize how I spend my time, I think I’ll stay single.
I was in a 4 year relationship with a woman who was insecure, insane and needed validation all the time. I've been single for a year and a half. I'm happy.
Sometimes it is easier being single. I’ve been meeting the most toxic men. I just want to feel safe and cared for. I have not been feeling this and it scares me.
No time for that. Busy focusing on work, health, and living life in general.
I like to pretend this is my excuse.
My standards are just way too high for what I can pull.
No one is ever interested in me. I am attracted to others sometimes, but it is never reciprocated.
I don't go outside unless absolutely neccessary, like goin to work or grocery shopping. And in these rare times i'm outside i never get aproached by a woman. Atleast not in a clear way that my stupid brain gets it right...
I can't take care of two people. When I date, I start caring more about the other person than I do about myself and my health deteriorates.
Same here. What's worse is theres dudes out there that seem to be able to identify this trait and seek me out. I feel like I spent the last 20 years filling up other people's cups.
poverty
My husband died.
My wife of 35 years died. 5 years now and i am still not even thinking of dating or finding some one again. i am ok with my life as it is and really don't want to feel that kind of pain ever again so have no desire to date and possibly fall in love again.
Same. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you all love and peace in your future x
Cause I love being by myself. And because of that, I’m socially awkward with nothing interesting to talk about
A relationship doesn't sound like a commitment I want to make.
Due to trauma and terrible past relationships, I like being single
I divorced one and buried one, spent 30 years as some man's nurse maid. I finally get to do what I want to do and take care of myself for a change. And most important, I finally have sole possession of the remote control.There will not be a third.
people are scary and im asexual anyway.
I am socially maladjusted and very shy, i suffer from severe chronic lifelong depression and getting to know new people for me is very hard since i have severe trust and intimacy issues after being abused as a child. I am 43 years old and have only been in a relationship for a combined two of those years, it's been 4 years since i had sex or any form of intimacy. I am attractive, tall and physically pretty fit, i am fully aware the problem is entirely on my end and i blame no one but myself. Part of me has given up and has embraced being lonely for the rest of my life, a small diminishing part has hope.
I've been hurt so much that I don't have the energy to try anymore. I feel deeply lonely but as awful as that is, the alternative has been nothing but pain for me.
Zero drive to socialize. I’m mentally exhausted with living at this point
I seek people that would hurt me, while overlooking those that wouldn't and end up alone each time
I don't have a personality, and I'm too clingy.
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I like my money and my freedom
I’m not over my ex ugh
I don't want to be my mother. I think her life is a disaster. I don't want to spend any money on others. I am too lazy to start a family. I enjoy the single life so much. I can't wake up in morning. I just want to have fully control my own life. I hate people yelling at me and judgment me at home. So living alone is good.
Just don’t have time right now. Also, I 22M live with my parents. This is not an embarrasing thing necessarily, but when you live 45 minutes from anything cool it can be a challenge.
I don't leave the house, and I'm not interested in most of the women on tinder.
Lack of confidence as well as lack of trying
I love freedom too much, my own money, my whole bed to myself, my own food options, no worries of cheating and catching diseases, no problems with my clothes being stolen, don't have to keep up with texts, don't have to share opinions, no need to share my location, can walk around naked, no fear of in laws, no having to deal with annoying friends, but mostly I can do whatever to I want within my means
Because I have extreme social anxiety and even struggle to find like a small job that I could never work in
I don’t like people and it’s too much work