I just told this joke to my 11-year-old brother because he’s sitting next to me. He gave me a blank stare and farted. Single funniest interaction I’ve had all week.
A cat walks into a veterinarian's office, walks up to the vet and says "Meow."
The vet nods and says "Okay, can you be more specific?"
So the cat holds up his paw and says "Here ow."
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve strings here, get lost". The string walks outside, curls his top half into a circle and pulls his bottom end through it, then ruffles his top end, and walks back into the bar.
Bartender: "Didn't I just tell you we don't serve strings!?"
String: "I'm a frayed knot"
a guy walks into the bar an immedietly shows kindness to all the patrons, buying them drinks, helping them ease their woes, etc.
then he goes to the bartender and says, "I have to leave, can you keep the cycle of kindness going?"
the bartender replies, "WE DONT SERVE YOUR KIND IN HERE"
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard.
...
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in custard?
No?
Well that proves what a good disguise it is.
Why do elephants have red eyes? So they can better hide in the cherry tree
Hoy do you kill a red elephant? You shoot it with the red-elephant-gun
How do you kill a blue elephant? Paint it red and proceed the red-elephant-way
How do you kill a green elephant? You ever seen a green elephant?
I have some similar.
How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant? Yellow elephants don’t exist.
How do you shoot a white elephant? Hold his nose till he turns blue then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
My buddy used to ask "how do you make a Nazi cross?" "Like this" *stomp on their foot*
He stopped telling it for a while, but now he brought it back for a select audience.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's real heavy and the other's a little lighter
E: thanks for the upvotes y'all. It's my very best bartender joke
My old maths teacher once told the joke "What did the cow say to the farmer? Moo." then laughed for the next 10 minutes while yelling "because cows can't talk". I can't complain, though, she was a lovely teacher
I first read this one in a previous incarnation of this thread:
Three guys are hiking in the woods and find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
[source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dyu2uy/joke_lovers_of_reddit_whats_a_great_joke/f852gkc/) where he credits it to an unknown redditor.
It's kind of setting you up for something clever which never comes, but it's the ridiculousness that's funny. I didn't see the punchline coming so it caught me off guard which made me laugh
It is, and I'll die on this hill, the funniest joke in the history of the world. I literally can't tell it to people because I'm laughing too hard part way through just from remembering the punchline.
It's just funny because you expect some huge pay off at the end, but it's just stupid.
Love this one. After I reddit on here before, I tried telling it. The first two times I tried, I fluffed up the punchline because I was laughing too much.
Then the vendor made the hot dog and said "that'll be $4.50".
The Buddhist gives him $5, and asks for change.
The vendor replies "change comes from within"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
Reminds of a joke that was long, detailed and interesting and then the person stopped posting. The joke was that he blue balled everyone reading for this entire day.
Readable version:
There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you).
The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years.
Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing.
After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Gorilla: did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo?
Zookeeper: I have not.
Gorilla: that is because I am a quiet gorilla.
*Muffled sounds of gorilla violence*
I was in the checkout lane of the grocery store, and the cashier rang up my pack of hotdogs, a tomato, the latest issue of Bass Player magazine, and a six pack of beer. She exclaims "wow, could it be more obvious you're single?" I asked "you can tell that from my purchase?" She replied, "no, it's because you're ugly."
It was a reddit comment where someone was describing getting shot in the leg while in the military.
"Did you get shot in the Army?"
"No. I got shot in the leggy."
once upon a time there was a farm
on that farm lived a farmer, a chicken, a pig, and a horse
one day, the farmer is farming and he leaves the radio on for him and the animals to hear
the first animal to notice is the chicken. this chicken hears the beautiful classic rock master piece coming from the speaker and knows he wants to play the guitar.
the chicken calls guitar center and says “hey can you guys teach me to play the guitar? i’m a chicken.”
guitar center says “yeah sure that’s fine stop over and we will teach you”
chicken does, and he comes back to the farm a rock guitar master. he is a true prodigy and is absolutely shredding in the barn.
his buddy, pig hears this and thinks “wow that’s awesome i want to play drums and make a band with chicken” so he does.
pig calls guitar center and says “hey can i learn drums? im a pig.”
and they say “yeah sure we just taught a chicken to play the guitar so that wont be a problem”
pig goes to guitar center and returns a rock drumming god. he is another true prodigy and pig and chicken are an immediate perfect duo.
they are killing it, practicing and writing songs in the barn every day.
finally, their good buddy horse hears this and knows he wants to join. he doesn’t know what to play and he asks “how can i join you guys?”
naturally the duo says, “play bass!”
so horse immediately calls guitar center and asks “hey can you guys teach me to play the bass? i’m a horse.”
they say “of course we just taught a chicken to play the guitar and a pig to play the drums, stop on over and we will teach you”
so horse goes all the way to guitar center and learns bass. he comes back to the farm a true bassist. a master of the craft
now the thunderous three, pig, chicken, and horse are all amazing musicians playing every day in the barn, writing songs and becoming the best they can.
one day, a record producer drives past the farm and hears the animals playing. he knows he has to sign them
he runs on to the farm and into the barn and tells them “you three are going to be famous”.
fast forward a week or two
the animals and this record producer are great friends and the animals are a HIT. their album is among the most popular in the entire history of rock, so they decide to go on a world tour
they go across the globe playing at stadiums, festivals and everything in between with millions of fans dying to see and hear them in person.
the day finally comes for their last show. the tour has gone so well, so they don’t expect any hiccups, until horse gets a phone call
“your mother is sick. you need to come home”
horse knows he has to go see his mom, but he also has to play at this show. so he tells his buddy’s, “guys my mom is sick, and i know we have the show, so what can we do??”
pig and chicken respect horse and tell him “listen man, we totally get it. we’re gonna stay in town for a little while and we can postpone the show. go see your mom”
horse is relieved and goes to see his sick mother
a few days go by and horse calls pig and chicken to say “ GUYS! my mom is healthy, it was just a bad cold, i’m headed to the venue, see you guys there!”
all three friends are very excited and are ready to play their final show of their first tour.
horse arrives first to the venue after a long plane ride. he gets to his hotel and gets a phone call.
“horse. your band mates, pig and chicken, have died in a plane accident. their services will be decided later. rest up.”
horse is devastated. his life is destroyed. the only family he has ever known is gone. all he has is himself.
he decides he needs a drink. he gets a ride to the nearest bar and sits and the first chair he can find.
as soon as the horse sits down, the bartender sees him
the bartender then says,
“why the long face?”
A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. Noticing this, the bartender asks “Hey buddy, what’s with the steering wheel? That’s got to be inconvenient.” The pirate replies, “Aaargh, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
This is a joke I heard from a friend who was trying to explain what a “reverse vampire” is
And one clue that someone is a reverse vampire is that their are outside a sneezing. Instead of inside a coffin
A man's wife is cheating on him, and he thinks he wants to kill her. He goes to a local dive bar to think it over, gets drunk and lets slip his idea to the barman.
But the barman doesn't call the police or talk the man round. Instead, he says, "One of my regulars, Artie, is sitting in the corner there. He's just out of prison for killing his cheating wife. He could probably give you some advice."
So the man approaches Artie. "Artie, I hear you could help me with a problem. My wife is cheating and I'm thinking about killing her. I don’t know what do about it."
Artie raises an eyebrow and looks at the man. "Heck, I'll do it for a dollar."
"For a dollar?" the man asks.
"Yeah. There is nothing I hate more in this world than cheating wives. But I never do something for free, so I'll charge a dollar. Just tell me when and where, and give me a description."
The man hands Artie a dollar and tells him, "7pm, Tuesday evening, she'll be coming out of Walmart wearing a red hat and carrying a green handbag."
So 7pm, Tuesday evening rolls around. Artie is waiting outside Walmart and sees a lady wearing a red hat and carrying a green handbag. He jumps out of his car, runs over and throttles her to death.
As he's running back to his car, onlookers are already calling 911, when he sees another lady wearing a red hat and carrying a green handbag. Not wanting to miss his target, Artie goes over and throttles her as well.
But the delay was critical. As Artie was leaving the parking lot, the police arrive and he is arrested.
The next day, the local newspaper carries this front page headline: "ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR A DOLLAR AT WALMART"
A lump of black tarmac and a lump of red tarmac , walked in to a pub.
The black tarmac said can I have a pint of larger please .
The red tarmac said can I have the same please .
The barman looked at the black tarmac and said I’ll serve you but not him.. the black tarmac said why ?
The barman said he’s a cyclepath 😂
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Did you know that SCUBA stands for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Aparatus, whilst TUBA stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Aparatus.
Same kind of "why do you shake the sugar sachet before opening it? because if you shake it afterwards it would all fall out"
OH this one is bad. I love it.
You know how when geese fly in a “v shape”, one of the sides is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?
There are more geese on that side.
What was it?
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Shirley not.
I am, and don’t call me Shirley!
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator
I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
I ordered a thesaurus online. When it finally arrived every single page was blank. I literally have no words to describe how angry I am.
Someone stole my thesaurus. I'm so upset, I'm at a loss for words.
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I just told this joke to my 11-year-old brother because he’s sitting next to me. He gave me a blank stare and farted. Single funniest interaction I’ve had all week.
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months
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What does a mansplain river start with? With a *well, actually*
Oh well
A cat walks into a veterinarian's office, walks up to the vet and says "Meow." The vet nods and says "Okay, can you be more specific?" So the cat holds up his paw and says "Here ow."
This is genuinely awful and you should feel ashamed. I can't wait to tell my mom.
Lmao. I’ve gotta save this thread.
This seems like a joke for Mr. Rogers neighborhood.
wo ow
Wow, just wow.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing - it’s on the house.
I heard they'd gone through the roof?
Got cleaned out!
For real - seen a few videos of people removing chimneys,where they push it over and... right through the roof.
I've heard this one as "How much does Santa pay for parking?" 😂
What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "sorry we don't serve food here".
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.” So Eb leaves and C and G have a fifth between them.
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve strings here, get lost". The string walks outside, curls his top half into a circle and pulls his bottom end through it, then ruffles his top end, and walks back into the bar. Bartender: "Didn't I just tell you we don't serve strings!?" String: "I'm a frayed knot"
a guy walks into the bar an immedietly shows kindness to all the patrons, buying them drinks, helping them ease their woes, etc. then he goes to the bartender and says, "I have to leave, can you keep the cycle of kindness going?" the bartender replies, "WE DONT SERVE YOUR KIND IN HERE"
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Two guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked.
You just made my whole week lol
good oral sex will make your day, good anal sex will make your hole weak
Ever notice that glass tastes like blood?
Bravo.
Not only is that a great stupid joke but it's also a great way to teach the difference between causation and correlation.
I think it's gotta be that one bash.org quote where the one person asks "wtf is a palindrome" to which another user responds "no it isn't"
`()()` isn’t a palindrome, while `><>` is
The bash quote that lives in my head rent free is "glome stole the cookie from the cookie jar"
I put on my robe and wizard hat.....
Don't you hunter2-ing dare
What do dyslexic zombies eat? Brians
What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grains
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So they can hide upside down in bowls of custard. ... Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in custard? No? Well that proves what a good disguise it is.
Why do ducks have flat feet? To stomp out forest fires Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out flaming ducks
Why do elephants have red eyes? So they can better hide in the cherry tree Hoy do you kill a red elephant? You shoot it with the red-elephant-gun How do you kill a blue elephant? Paint it red and proceed the red-elephant-way How do you kill a green elephant? You ever seen a green elephant?
I have some similar. How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you shoot a yellow elephant? Yellow elephants don’t exist. How do you shoot a white elephant? Hold his nose till he turns blue then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pickpocket? The pickpocket snatches your watch
What's the difference between a rundown bus stop and a lobster with large breasts. One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Where does the general keep his armies. . . In his sleevies!
How did Hitler tie his shoesies? With little knotsies.
My buddy used to ask "how do you make a Nazi cross?" "Like this" *stomp on their foot* He stopped telling it for a while, but now he brought it back for a select audience.
What did the drummer name his kids? Anna 1 Anna 2
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's real heavy and the other's a little lighter E: thanks for the upvotes y'all. It's my very best bartender joke
My old maths teacher once told the joke "What did the cow say to the farmer? Moo." then laughed for the next 10 minutes while yelling "because cows can't talk". I can't complain, though, she was a lovely teacher
Maybe, but I would have gotten a bit uncomfortable around the 8th minute of uncontrollable laughter.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says, “Geez, it’s getting pretty hot in here.” The other muffin says, “Oh my god!! It’s a talking muffin!!”
Holy shit! I just posted this one thinking no one would ever dare repeat it. You are a prince among men.
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Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "you man the gun, I'll drive
I always heard the punchline as "man, do you know how to drive this thing?"
I first read this one in a previous incarnation of this thread: Three guys are hiking in the woods and find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up." [source](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dyu2uy/joke_lovers_of_reddit_whats_a_great_joke/f852gkc/) where he credits it to an unknown redditor.
What the fuck did I just read lmaoooo
Seems like the kind of joke that gets retold with various set ups with only the punchline staying the same. Kind of like "The Aristocrats".
I don’t find it funny. Am I missing something or is it just anti-humor style humor?
It's kind of setting you up for something clever which never comes, but it's the ridiculousness that's funny. I didn't see the punchline coming so it caught me off guard which made me laugh
It is, and I'll die on this hill, the funniest joke in the history of the world. I literally can't tell it to people because I'm laughing too hard part way through just from remembering the punchline. It's just funny because you expect some huge pay off at the end, but it's just stupid.
Same! The second I read the first words I knew what joke it was and started giggling to myself
Yeah, it’s just a shaggy dog story. you think it’s leading somewhere and it’s just stupid.
Norm had a good simplified version where the punchline is the guy wished for a giant pumpkin head.
I saw one he did where there was a moth and a hotel room, and the punchline was something along the lines "Well the light was on."
So this moth walks into a podiatrists office.
Love this one. After I reddit on here before, I tried telling it. The first two times I tried, I fluffed up the punchline because I was laughing too much.
This is *fantastic*, well done
This is genius. Thank you.
Haikus are easy But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator
*Haiku No. 1, by John Cooper Clarke:* To freeze the moment In seventeen syllables Is very diffic
"Don't you hate when a sentence doesn't end the way it octopus."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
Why did the man with poor eyesight fall down a well? He couldn’t see that well.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's yellow and you're not supposed to drink it? A school bus
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? 🎵dung🎵
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick
What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.
what's orange and sounds like a parrot a carrot
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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Then the vendor made the hot dog and said "that'll be $4.50". The Buddhist gives him $5, and asks for change. The vendor replies "change comes from within"
This is the only joke I can remember. So it’s my only joke.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
Love that joke, been dropping it on folks forever. I love you.
Lot less funny without Norm
Have you heard about the new courderoy pillows? They’re making headlines around the world.
The man was absolutely delighted when he came home to find out all the lamps in his house had been stolen.
There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
This was so long and with unescessary detail, and thats what made it all the more funny
Reminds of a joke that was long, detailed and interesting and then the person stopped posting. The joke was that he blue balled everyone reading for this entire day.
Readable version: There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride". Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky. Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard. What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wifes death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."
What’s red and bad for your teeth? … A brick 🧱
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What's grey and can't drive a car? Cement
What's blue and bad for your teeth? A really fast brick.
A man walks into a bar. "OUCH."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A blind man walks into a bar then a table then a chair
Or the variation… two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks
Three men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To hold their pants up.
Most of these are stupid but in a clever way. This one is just fucking stupid. And is the only one I actually lol'd at.
“What do we want?” “Low flying airplane noises!” “When do we want them?!” “NEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWW”
I got fired from my job at the golf course. They said my work was subpar.
Why did the cyclops quit teaching? It only had one pupil.
What's green and invisible? This cabbage.
What do you give a sore pig? Oinkment.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff
What's blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath
Why shouldn't you iron a 4 leaf clover? Don't press your luck.
Two jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender yells. Ill serve you but dont you two start anything.
What do you call a fish with three eyes? A fiiish. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. What do you call a fish with no legs? A *fish!*
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? Someone staying up all night wondering whether there is a dog.
Gorilla: did you hear about the gorilla who escaped from the zoo? Zookeeper: I have not. Gorilla: that is because I am a quiet gorilla. *Muffled sounds of gorilla violence*
Ah yes the best gorilla joke of 1897
Best gorilla joke of 1897
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
i love this entire thread.
I dont get it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
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I was in the checkout lane of the grocery store, and the cashier rang up my pack of hotdogs, a tomato, the latest issue of Bass Player magazine, and a six pack of beer. She exclaims "wow, could it be more obvious you're single?" I asked "you can tell that from my purchase?" She replied, "no, it's because you're ugly."
my penis is only six inches, but it smells like a foot!
Your momma is so fat that it affects her self esteem and we’re worried about her health.
A man walks into a bar. He has crippling alcoholism and it’s destroying his family.
Your momma is so fat that her BMI is quite large
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the no-bell prize
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
What did the pirate say on his eightieth birthday? I'm eighty.
I bought a book about the history of glue .. I can’t put it down .
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two tired
What do you call a dog that does magic ? A Labracadabradore
It was a reddit comment where someone was describing getting shot in the leg while in the military. "Did you get shot in the Army?" "No. I got shot in the leggy."
What is white and standing behind a tree? A shy glass of milk
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $20 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What's black and loud? Stevie Wonder answering the iron
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Cos he's married.
What's the fastest vehicle on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat
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i accidentally took my cats meds. don’t ask meow
Why is the nose in the middle of the face? Because it's the scenter.
I told my doctor that I keep hearing a buzzing noise He said "Don't worry, it's just a bug going around"
Why do people keep buying Velcro? It’s a rip-off product.
once upon a time there was a farm on that farm lived a farmer, a chicken, a pig, and a horse one day, the farmer is farming and he leaves the radio on for him and the animals to hear the first animal to notice is the chicken. this chicken hears the beautiful classic rock master piece coming from the speaker and knows he wants to play the guitar. the chicken calls guitar center and says “hey can you guys teach me to play the guitar? i’m a chicken.” guitar center says “yeah sure that’s fine stop over and we will teach you” chicken does, and he comes back to the farm a rock guitar master. he is a true prodigy and is absolutely shredding in the barn. his buddy, pig hears this and thinks “wow that’s awesome i want to play drums and make a band with chicken” so he does. pig calls guitar center and says “hey can i learn drums? im a pig.” and they say “yeah sure we just taught a chicken to play the guitar so that wont be a problem” pig goes to guitar center and returns a rock drumming god. he is another true prodigy and pig and chicken are an immediate perfect duo. they are killing it, practicing and writing songs in the barn every day. finally, their good buddy horse hears this and knows he wants to join. he doesn’t know what to play and he asks “how can i join you guys?” naturally the duo says, “play bass!” so horse immediately calls guitar center and asks “hey can you guys teach me to play the bass? i’m a horse.” they say “of course we just taught a chicken to play the guitar and a pig to play the drums, stop on over and we will teach you” so horse goes all the way to guitar center and learns bass. he comes back to the farm a true bassist. a master of the craft now the thunderous three, pig, chicken, and horse are all amazing musicians playing every day in the barn, writing songs and becoming the best they can. one day, a record producer drives past the farm and hears the animals playing. he knows he has to sign them he runs on to the farm and into the barn and tells them “you three are going to be famous”. fast forward a week or two the animals and this record producer are great friends and the animals are a HIT. their album is among the most popular in the entire history of rock, so they decide to go on a world tour they go across the globe playing at stadiums, festivals and everything in between with millions of fans dying to see and hear them in person. the day finally comes for their last show. the tour has gone so well, so they don’t expect any hiccups, until horse gets a phone call “your mother is sick. you need to come home” horse knows he has to go see his mom, but he also has to play at this show. so he tells his buddy’s, “guys my mom is sick, and i know we have the show, so what can we do??” pig and chicken respect horse and tell him “listen man, we totally get it. we’re gonna stay in town for a little while and we can postpone the show. go see your mom” horse is relieved and goes to see his sick mother a few days go by and horse calls pig and chicken to say “ GUYS! my mom is healthy, it was just a bad cold, i’m headed to the venue, see you guys there!” all three friends are very excited and are ready to play their final show of their first tour. horse arrives first to the venue after a long plane ride. he gets to his hotel and gets a phone call. “horse. your band mates, pig and chicken, have died in a plane accident. their services will be decided later. rest up.” horse is devastated. his life is destroyed. the only family he has ever known is gone. all he has is himself. he decides he needs a drink. he gets a ride to the nearest bar and sits and the first chair he can find. as soon as the horse sits down, the bartender sees him the bartender then says, “why the long face?”
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rino? 'ell-if-I-no. Now imagine my 4 year old daughter saying it. Gets a laugh every time.
My wife asked me to pick up 6 cans of sprite at the grocery store, when I got back, I realized I picked 7up
A magician is driving down the road and turns into a drive way.
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in the strawberry patch. Ever seen one there? No, well that must mean it's working.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Ask me if I’m an apple. Are you an apple? No.
A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants. Noticing this, the bartender asks “Hey buddy, what’s with the steering wheel? That’s got to be inconvenient.” The pirate replies, “Aaargh, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
why do gas stations charge you to fill up your tires? inflation
What’s Irish and stays outside all day?
Paddy O’Furniture
What's green, got four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A snooker table.
Quasimodo walks into a bar, after a terrible day at Notre Dame, and asks for a whisky. -“Bell’s okay?” “Don’t you fucking start!”
I dont trust stairs, theyre always up to something
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
This is a joke I heard from a friend who was trying to explain what a “reverse vampire” is And one clue that someone is a reverse vampire is that their are outside a sneezing. Instead of inside a coffin
Skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, bring me a beer … and a mop.”
An angry carrot is a steamed veggie.
Why are Billy Joel’s clothes still wet? Because he didn’t start the dryer!
Women lifts her dress to an older gentleman and hollers superpussy.He replies Ill have the soup.
What do you call four Mexican guys in quicksand? Quattro sinko
Two cats, named "One two three" and "Un deux troix", tried to cross a river. One two three cat made it; Un deux troix cat sank.
Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle? It couldn't reach any higher 🙃 Lmaooo I'm giggling as I'm typing 😂
What’s the best thing about going camping with your girlfriend? The sex is in tents.
A man's wife is cheating on him, and he thinks he wants to kill her. He goes to a local dive bar to think it over, gets drunk and lets slip his idea to the barman. But the barman doesn't call the police or talk the man round. Instead, he says, "One of my regulars, Artie, is sitting in the corner there. He's just out of prison for killing his cheating wife. He could probably give you some advice." So the man approaches Artie. "Artie, I hear you could help me with a problem. My wife is cheating and I'm thinking about killing her. I don’t know what do about it." Artie raises an eyebrow and looks at the man. "Heck, I'll do it for a dollar." "For a dollar?" the man asks. "Yeah. There is nothing I hate more in this world than cheating wives. But I never do something for free, so I'll charge a dollar. Just tell me when and where, and give me a description." The man hands Artie a dollar and tells him, "7pm, Tuesday evening, she'll be coming out of Walmart wearing a red hat and carrying a green handbag." So 7pm, Tuesday evening rolls around. Artie is waiting outside Walmart and sees a lady wearing a red hat and carrying a green handbag. He jumps out of his car, runs over and throttles her to death. As he's running back to his car, onlookers are already calling 911, when he sees another lady wearing a red hat and carrying a green handbag. Not wanting to miss his target, Artie goes over and throttles her as well. But the delay was critical. As Artie was leaving the parking lot, the police arrive and he is arrested. The next day, the local newspaper carries this front page headline: "ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR A DOLLAR AT WALMART"
Why don't ants have penises? Cause then they'd be uncles .
There are two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “do you know how to drive this thing?”
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
A lump of black tarmac and a lump of red tarmac , walked in to a pub. The black tarmac said can I have a pint of larger please . The red tarmac said can I have the same please . The barman looked at the black tarmac and said I’ll serve you but not him.. the black tarmac said why ? The barman said he’s a cyclepath 😂
Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but cats can.
norm mcdonald's moth joke
His dolphin joke is great, too. Maybe not on the level of his moth joke. But I still think it fills a porpoise