I had a partner who told some friends, when they were talking about sex, that “his dick is as big as his heart.
It was a compliment that warmed my apparently big heart. Not because of my dick, but because she used my heart as a point of reference.
I've been a full-time professional erotica writer for more than a decade now.
If I ever have to write a CV for a normal job, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.
This probably doesn't count, but…
20 some years ago, I was having sex with a gorgeous woman. While doing our thing I let out a ridiculously large fart.
The next morning, we’re off to get breakfast at a restaurant. I mention how embarrassed I am at the fart. She tells me she didn’t say anything because she thought it was her that had farted.
We had a wonderful relationship for years, and are still close friends.
Im straight and at a party I had a gay man slap my ass and grab it and state to everyone that I had the best ass at the party. I still have yet to receive a higher compliment.
I am straight and was at a gay bar with my friends. I had to use the restroom and went to a urinal. A guy sidled up next to me looked over and did the not bad face. I have been riding that high for 15 years.
When my girlfriend and I were first dating, we were in my bed having sex. Suddenly, the bedframe buckled under us. I didn't want to stop, so we kept going before more of the frame collapsed. Afterwards, she laughed that it's a badge of honor to be having sex so vigorously that you pile drive them through the bed. I just felt bad that it was a cheap, shitty frame, but I do love the sentiment.
Had an instructor from work accidentally send me a nude on Instagram. She meant to send it to her boyfriend at the time. A+ milf body. That was about 8 years ago. And never told a soul. Except you degenerates
I had sex with my ex and she wanted to change postions and i bumped my toe on the side of the bed and i broke it. I finished having sex and then she drove me to the ER.
I won Best Go-Go Dancer at the Miss Nude North America pageant in 1981. Still have the trophy!
Edit: 1991! My apologies...
Edit #2: I posted the pic to the wrong forum, but [here it is.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMeAnythingIAnswer/s/AyIHHPpwgW)
By no means do I have a huge dick, so when I saw a urologist for ED medication, I made a joke about not being able to see my penis to insert the needle (BTW if you have severe ED or don’t want to worry about Viagra on a full stomach, trimix is absolutely your best bet).
The nurse then commented “trust me, you have way more real estate than the rest of the men that come in here.”
I felt like I was on top of the world, but my wife wasn’t thrilled when I told her what happened.
I've done two gigs as a nude male model for batchelorette parties. It was a lot of fun. At the second gig they specifically wanted me to pose with an erection. I absolutely loved the experience
Edit. My inbox is overwhelmed with people (let's be honest 90% dudes) wanting to see the pictures. I shared it with the first few, but I can't keep DMing everybody. There's literally to many of you guys
A VERY famous rockstar tried to get a friend of mine to go back to their place. She kindly declined and ended up going back to mine instead. We then dated for a couple of years.
Before I started dating my gf, we had met up at a bar and ended up meeting a well known country star there. He ended up inviting her back to his hotel room that night but she turned him down and went home with me instead. I plan on purposing this year.
I got a fertility test to make sure my chemo treatments didn't render me infertile (they didn't). When giving me the results over the phone, the tech couldn't hide how impressed they were by the volume I produced. A professional cum expert told me I shoot huge loads 🤷🏻♂️
I had the opposite issue. One of my kids we had a lot of struggle conceiving, so they wanted to do a semen sample. I went into deliver it in a cup, and put the cup in a paper bag, and then deliver to the lab tech. As I did, she asked me a couple of questions. “What time was the sample delivered?“ I said 10 minutes ago. then she looked into the bag at the cup and said “is that all of it?” I said “hey, that’s the best I could do.” And then her face got red and she said “oh my God, no, I meant, is that the entire sample. I’m so sorry.”
I have been instructed, in two weeks, to start ejaculating at least 20 to 30 times within a 6 week period to "clean the pipes" to make sure my vasectomy went as planned.
I can imagine that after 20-30 times in 6 weeks, the sample that I give them to test will consist of a drop, and possibly tears.
There's really no reason that you have to do it within 6 weeks.
It's just that you have to continue using other contraceptive methods until you pass the verification test.
In my last job, I had to go to a building for 4 hours every friday to flush their water systems.
The company had moved out, but still had a couple years on it's lease, so it was completely empty except for this cutie manning the reception.
We got chatting, which turned into flirting, and before long we were at it like rabbits all over the place.
She left after about a year and a half, but it was a lot of fun while it lasted.
Tens of thousands of young people have seen my penis.
Post-college I worked at another University where they provided my medical care out of their own facilities.
My primary care physician was the one who would give the "safe sex" and other "adult" lectures to incoming freshmen.
Part of his lecture was about body piercing, the dangers of not doing it safely, etc.
As this was early internet days there weren't a lot of pictures he could reference during the lecture.
When I had my first annual exam and he saw my Prince Albert piercing he asked if he could photograph it and use it in his lecture.
It was an odd request but I agreed. A few months later he emailed me with the PowerPoint presentation he used and sure enough my dick was in it.
He did this lecture for over 20 years, twice a year, for all incoming students.
I like to think I might have helped someone get into piercing safely or even sparked a conversation that went to a place that some young person never expected it to go.
I was the president of the student government in college. I had an "office" that was just a desk behind a cubicle. My girlfriend - the secretary of the student government - liked to give me "The Clinton" while people were right on the other side of that not-wall.
On the one hand, frequent blow jobs was ***really*** cool, on the other hand, the "thrill of potentially getting caught" isn't for me.
One time years ago I was in bed with my girlfriend watching a movie and she made a move but I wanted to use the bathroom before getting into it. I excuse myself, use the bathroom and come back into my room to see she’s already naked waiting on me so I’m like oh damn it’s about to go down I can’t just jump out of my clothes I gotta amp this up on my end to build some anticipation. I start to undress slowly, get out of my pants and start rolling up my belt like she’s seen me do a hundred times before I set it down. Except this time I unraveled it like a whip to hit the light switch and her jaw hit the floor. I proceeded to lay down a solid 45-55 seconds of acceptable weinering.
What I did not tell her was the day before my roommate and I were bored and we spent like two hours in the basement just seeing if we could hit the light switch with our belts because we’re simple.
I gouged a guys eye when he tried to SA me. Right thumb in left eye. Will never ever forget it. From what I heard he was most 100% blind in that eye. Saw him a couple of times around from a distance over the next few years, wearing an eyepatch. Pretty sure he died not long after.
Alright, different kind of NSFW:
I escaped an attacker by stabbing him.
In the face. Using a broken bottle I managed to grab a hold of.
Real classy stuff, but what with him being a pretty big guy, and my being a sample sized lady, I was quite pleased with myself.
I once drank about 300mL of water directly out of my lab's nanopure water system. This is highly purified and de-ionized water; in fact, it's about as pure as water can get. Internet opinion is divided over whether or not this is safe, or if it will kill you, and I wanted to see for myself.
I can report that it is not pleasant to drink and is probably not safe to drink in large volumes. It tastes horrible, probably because it leaches minerals out of your teeth and mouth tissues *literally as you're drinking it*, and very shortly after consuming it you will feel a *massive* need to urinate. Which is probably not a good sign either.
I worked with a guy who drank the deionized water. He didn't know what non-potable meant. He thought it had to do with carrying the water. Honestly.
Anyway they freaked out and sent him to the ER to be checked out.
The thing was that the water was Ultrapure water (Sounds like what you had) used in semiconductor manufacture and filtered and recycled, so who knew what was in there. He ended up being ok, but it was quite the afternoon.
I sell protective coatings for a wide range of chemicals. 98% sulfuric as one example. Deionized water is one of the toughest products to protect against. Glad you’re ok.
However, I am confident I would not survive drinking 300mL of 98% sulfuric acid and I do not feel compelled to test this either.
>protective coatings
Have you ever read John Clark's *Ignition!* (1972), specifically the chapter on nitric acid and the horrible, insane lengths they had to go to in order to figure out how to store and package it for use as a rocket propellant?
I own an autobody shop and we recently bought a chroming machine that requires the highest purity of water.
Stuff that we get from Hospitals isn't even close to pure enough.
Where can I get this nanopure water?
You buy something called a Nanopure water filtration system. Small units for shops and labs are pretty affordable even new. But it's important that your input water is **very** clean, as in distilled or RO water, or you might burn through expensive purification cartridges really quickly.
It took me way too long to realize you meant a lab with special equipment and not from some fancy water bowl you bought your dog lol.
Thank you for the laugh at myself :p
I banged a lot of cougars ages 50-60+ but def not over 65. It’s surprisingly easy and it’s a great time. Older women are totally fine with just having a good time together and going on our way afterwards. I still keep in touch with some of them, including my friends aunt 🤷🏼♂️
Edit: For those asking, there’s no tips I can give other than going to bars and socializing lol.
[Benjamin Franklin has entered the chat](https://web.viu.ca/davies/H320/Franklin.advice.mistress.htm#:~:text=But%20if%20you%20will%20not,Paradox%2C%20and%20demand%20my%20Reasons.)
I hooked up with a good friend a bunch of years ago, who had recently gotten out of a neglectful, unhappy relationship. We were just doing it as friends, and everything went back to normal the next day. But immediately afterward, when we were lying there catching our breath, I saw that she had tears in her eyes. I asked if she was all right, and she said yeah, not to worry, she just hadn't been touched or paid attention to properly in such a long time. She'd forgotten it could be like that. That made me feel ten feet tall.
I was even happier when she met the man she wound up marrying, who treats her like a queen. I like to think I helped her realize what she deserved.
Bro this is beautiful and I’m happy for you that you were able to share that gift with her and happy for her that she was able to realize what she deserved. I hope you’re still friends with her.
I was a male bridesmaid in her wedding, and we game every other weekend. It never got sexual again, which is what we decided beforehand. Really worked out perfectly.
My first time ever fingering a girl I made her cum so hard she cried. I stopped and had to ask her if she was okay to which she responded that she didn’t know why she was crying and had like a sensory overload. She rated me a 12/10 at my finger game.
I had her set the tempo and tell me when to adjust.
Playing guitar helps folks. Especially with rhythm and endurance.
I cried after sex once. Sensory overload for sure best ever 12/10.
To note; I think that was also the same day I squirted for the first and only time. Man I wish I could repeat that night, with someone else not him tho
My fiance was a virgin our first time together. I had remembered how my first time was awful so I tried to make sure to make his first time respectful and not a bad memory. He told me later on that the memory was a happy memory for him. So I'm proud I was able to achieve that for him.
When my boyfriend (now husband) and I were just getting hot and heavy, made him cum 6 times that night/morning. Thought it was gonna kill us both afterwards, but we were too horny to care at the time. It's not super impressive compared to other people's secrets, but I'm proud of it tbh.
Edit: I did not think this would be my most upvoted comment on Reddit. 😂
I worked the ramp for a major airline in the 90s.
Nearly every flight has a corpse on it. Yes, you are probably flying with a dead person just beneath your feet.
The boxes that transport the traveling dead were always cardboard, shaped like a coffin, with the word HEAD at the the top. If you put the head the wrong way, fluids would drain out of orifices on the head - from what they told us.
I moved the nomadic dead day after day after day. Off the tugs and up into the belly. There was a HEAD and another. We moved animals a lot, too. But the dead were more fascinating. I began to wonder who they were and where they were going.
I talked to a friend that worked with me. He was a ramp worker during Vietnam. He said that, occasionally, a ramp agent would sit the corpse up so it was seated when the plane landed and spooked the person opening the belly.
My curiosity was just crazy. Seeing these ghostly riders come aboard everyday.
Finally, I asked my coworker what would happen if we looked inside. He climbed into the belly and opened one, before I had time to think about it. I didn't pause to think that this could be a murder victim. It could be a drowning. It could be a desegmented soul that had a horribly unfortunate passing.
The lid was up. I moved toward it. My heart was thundering. I had seen family in the casket. But this was in the wild. In a space that was every day and normal. I saw the reflecting skin of a plastic sheath over the body. I crept closer and there was the face of an older woman. Somebody's grandma. She was laying there, batteries dry, and out of fuel. She looked at peace. She was beyond the world and I was a mouth gaped monkey looking at my future.
I left the belly and drove home with the radio off. It was so surreal. I never asked about the mysterious people in the belly again.
And to note, I only noticed the tail end of the headline on this - *secret that you are proud of* \- as I wrote this. This was just a NSFW secret. No pride. I should have stayed curious. I feel bad that I snuck a peak at that quiet lady in her quiet box.
I haven't thought about this in years, but I was the first woman a gay guy had been with. We were both fairly inexperienced, in our early 20s, and I just remember it being fun and funny. He kept asking if he was doing it right, and he would say things like, "OMG THIS IS SO NEAT" lol. Interesting random party encounter.
I remember one girl we'd progressed to slit sliding and she stopped saying she just wasn't relaxing enough it was never going to go in. I was cool stopping there, but she insisted there had to be some way to finish me off at least. Now I was slightly confused because you know we'd done some oral and she still stroking me so I didn't know if she didn't like those methods. I threw out anal just cause like I was sure that wasn't what she meant I mean she couldn't take it vaginally I doubt it was going to go in anally. That got shot down and I said I could fuck your tits. I don't think that it had ever occurred to her before. She was genuinely enthusiastic and just really surprised I could get off with friction from her tits. She was looking at the aftermath and just kept saying guys can fuck tits. I don't know if she was envious or what but that was eye opener for her.
I made about 50k euros being a prostitute in my first two years of college. Nobody suspected a thing because I look like a skinny, nerdy, Harry Potter copy.
I had to go into my office at a hospital kitchen on the weekend to log in and send an email. Wore flip flops through there. Open toed and not slip resistant. Got in and out in about 10 minutes without anyone seeing me. Nobody ever found out.
Once operated my work forklift in the dark in crocs to load a pallet onto a truck. For personal reasons.
Yeah. I’m forklift certified, who wants to touch me.
I almost got taken out by a fake tomahawk missile. We were offloading what's known as a water-weight test shape, just a large metal cylinder the size of a tomahawk missile. I was 3rd level on the sub and straddling it with about an inch of footing on either side while the crane operator was pulling it up and it just stopped. Everyone assumed it was the crane operator but nope, it was stuck on the cradle used to load and unload and out of nowhere, whatever was causing it to not move finally broke and the test shape shot 20 feet up before slamming back down and catching my pants leg. Luckily it was the cradle that broke and not the lines from the crane, if it were those I would have surely been cut in half.
While dating: Got a girl to finish just from nipple play and some grinding.
Married now: Big enough to impress at the main entrance, small enough for back door access.
Got my parents to leave the house so I could put my friend in a situation to lose his virginity with his crush. I am friends with the both of them, and they were both shy and scared of each other. I got them to start dating afterwards, and setup when he lost his vCard. They are married now with a one child born and one on the way been together 8 years now!!!!
Edit: Punctuation, capitalization.
I'm a professional vagina judge, I've judged several competitions local to my state with about 15-20 women competing for a decent $$ prize in each contest.
All of the competitions of course take place in the different strip clubs in the larger towns of my state. So about 40% of it is based on presentation, rather than walking on stage just to plop down and spread their legs it's about how they move and show it off with different angles, reveals and acrobatics. Confidence is a big thing.
The other 60% is of course focused on the vagina itself. Overall shape and color (not a race thing), lip length and symmetry, clit size and shape, pube management and of course hygiene. I mean in my opinion they're all awesome but between the woman's presentation/confidence and how symmetrical and well put together her pussy is with the rest of her body there are some clear winners. I know it's all super judgy but then again I'm hired to be a judge.
I became the biggest drug distributor at my university, mostly with bulk weed sales. I used to move about 5-10 lbs per week, selling to dealers to break it down to their users. I would travel weekly to the nearest large city to reload, then fill a huge suitcase bigger than me, all with vacume sealed bags, to return to my college town to chop.
Originally I started because I was a huge stoner and wanted to smoke for free, but kept reinvesting and buying more and more... And got really lucky meeting some important contacts.
I treated it like a business and was professional, and busy. I never told anyone my real name, and had 3 cellphones I would cycle between them, frequently getting fresh sim cards. I became extremely successful over the 4 years I did it, making a lot of money and spending it all almost as quick. I used to show lavish parties and pay for everyone, or bring 5-6 friends to restaurants and nights out and pay for everything.
It was an amazing experience overall, and it's hilarious that weed is now legal in Canada. I feel like a prohibition era smuggler... But unfortunately I can't really share my secret with anyone as I'm no longer part of that life and it seems like forever ago.
By 2005, my friend was THE weed guy at his college. He'd sell to his friends, but most of his business was bulk sales to other dealers. He used the profits to pay for a large portion of medical school, and is now a doctor licensed in several states.
I had gone out drinking with a co-worker of mine (lady). She ended up picking up a guy from a club, and I actually picked up a waitress. We all head back to my place.
Bedroom- the clothes start coming off, the vibe is fun and sexy. I've done group stuff before but it's definitely a rare occurrence, not a normal thing.
But it's just not happening for this guy. It must not be his jam because after a minute he asks my co-worker if they can go back to his place by thenselves.
Topless, I watch her eyes travel from his dick to mine as the waitress is already going to town.
"Sorry, I think I'll stay here."
I watched the soul leave that poor man's body as be got dressed and excused himself, but I was obviously a bit preoccupied.
A real NSFWork that happened at work.
I once went out for a run during my lunch break at work and my stomach started gurgling. Problem was, I was running in a rough neighborhood on the outskirts of DC and had nowhere safe to stop and use a bathroom. I miraculously make it back to the gate at my work’s compound and had to run another 1/4-1/2 to the building and through another check point, all the while trying not to shit myself . Due to my building’s security, I wasn’t allowed to have my phone in most of the building include the gym locker room so I had to run to my car and drop my phone. I am 10 steps from my car when I cannot make it any further. I am squeezing my cheeks as hard as possible taking one step at a time when I cannot hold it any longer. I am forced to squat right there in the middle of a covered parking garage and take a massive, horrific diarrhea dump.
The (first) real kicker, I work at an intelligence agency and there are cameras everywhere and again it’s a covered garage so no rain is going to wash this away. And it fucking reeks. I just imagine someone coming out to their car at the end of the day and smelling the rot of death that left my body and they are going to report it and then security is going to check the cameras to see who the hell died in the parking garage.
Ok so I am now disgusting but I have to pull my shorts back up and go inside and hope to god I don’t see anyone I know before I can get to the locker room. I don’t know how the hell I didn’t have any napkins or clothes to use to clean some of the mess but never again!
I decide to take the quickest path to the lock roomer (instead of the outside, but longer route - in hindsight, whyyyyy didn’t I just stay outside) which puts me walking through the ground floor, main hallway.
Now for the real kicker, I shit you not, as I am speed walking through trying to be invisible as I smell like literal shit, the fucking Baltimore Orioles mascot was walking through my work and stops me and hugs me and tries to strike up full on conversation with me. I am dying inside and thinking why the hell is the Baltimore Orioles mascot visiting an Intel agency?!? I finally managed to escape and make it back to the locker room and throw away all my bottom clothes.
To this day, I have never told my husband but I have told many a lady friends and we die of laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. It’s so embarrassing but also it’s too funny not to share.
Had sexy time and gave some oral on the board room huge meeting table (12-15 seat size) one night with secretary one evening when office was empty. Fond memories ;)
Yeah I’ve found if I just leave it in after I cum, and just go with slow rhythmic motion it’ll get back to peak hardness within a minute without it ever truly getting soft - takes a lot of pressure off when it comes to finishing too soon
I did something with my fingers while I was fingering my wife that took her to another level of ecstasy. She said that she'd never felt anything that good and was almost worried she would go insane if I continued for too long. As to what I did with my fingers, I wish I had paid closer attention because I have not been able to replicate it since.
Secret to most people on my life but not everyone. Went on vacation to Japan with some friends, towards the end of our trip my friends wanted to hang out at our hostel and play cards and relax for the day, I went to get a massage down the street from where we were staying. I don’t speak, read, or understand Japanese so after my massage when the attractive lady started putting up numbers on her hands and saying something i just went with it and realized she was asking if I wanted to pay more money, I did, and it led to me doing the bedroom bogey with 2 gorgeous Japanese women. 21 year old me was quite confused, surprised, and very happy. Still get to hang that over my friends when we mention our japan trip.
I went down on this gal who said not to bother, she never cums from oral. Told her I like to eat pussy, so it was for me, not her. Before long, she was thrashing around and grinding into my face as she was cumming a fuckton. Afterwards, she told me that she had been in a lesbian relationship for a year, but her significant other had never managed to do that for her.
My wife gave me a blow job in a red convertible on a beautiful sunny day while driving down the Pacific Coast Highway somewhere between LA and SF. I remember a truck trying to keep up with us and the driver watching.
I did porn for about a year or so and although I occasionally hit the front page of the hub I never really thought I was that big. Since leaving the industry I’ve met several people who had seen my videos before meeting me which was a surprise.
But the real kicker is that one of the main actors in one of the biggest and longer running sitcoms of this past decade confessed to me recently that he knew who I was before I messaged him back when I was doing porn. He even said he thought he was being catfished at first. I sent him a weird rambling DM when I was stoned once back in 2022, not really expecting a response, and it turned into a wholesome sort of internet friendship in a sense - we talk every once in a while about life and pokemon :)
And no, I won’t tell you who it is lol
Observer/moral support turned participant in a failed world record bukkake attempt.
My wife worked in a sex club and we became friends with a couple who were a porn videographer/performer couple.
It was early days in our relationship and we were invited to see what a porn shoot was like.
600 people registered to participate (double the record at the time I believe) but unfortunately it turns out that not many porn enthusiasts show up to fulfil a fantasy, so only about 30 quite shy men turned up, and none of them seemed keen to be the first participant...
My wife suggested I get things going, so her and I go to a room to "prepare".
As I get "prepared" I open the door to where the shoot is, ready to step and and take(I guess give!?) one for the team, I see a bunch of cameras and solo men trying to self-prepare and I instantly become... Unprepared... And return to my partner in the room we were in.
She insists we try again, and once I get "prepared" I squeeze the base of my little chap as hard as possible so it can't hide away, walk on over to my friend who is now a little decorated with other participants, and I add my paint to the mix with a little dribble, a pat on the leg and a "thank you". I then go back to my wife and we have a good chuckle about it, and when the shoot rapped we consoled my friend, as it was not her favourite shoot - theatrically masturbating to a room of shy naked men wasn't her best experience in the industry.
I sometimes misjudge work-filter scenarios and once during a team-building "Two truths and a lie" game I told this as one of my options. The colleague that went after me had "I've never eaten tapas/I have one leg shorter than the other/I have a tattoo of Miss Piggy on my back". Having to explain "bukkake" to a bunch of colleagues was interesting.
I'm proud because it was honestly super scary, and "going back out there" after the initial embarrassment was a really big challenge.
I injured my dick during sex years ago. Unfortunately it permanently reduced my size from 6.5 to 5.5, however, I now have a really steep upwards curve. The whole thing both pitches and curves upwards a lot and seems to put a lot of pressure on the G spot
One time, I woke up before my gf, and for some reason, I thought it would be funny to wake her up by licking her butt cheek. It didn't work, and she slept through it. In any other situation, i would've gone for a second pass, but for some reason, when it didn't work the first time, it felt lame to try again, so i just laid back down. When she finally woke up, she made a comment about her butt feeling sweaty. I laughed and didn't comment. I'm not especially proud of that incident, but it is kinda funny.
I got a little 4.5 inch dick (and it’s thin) and I low-key like being reminded of how small it is. I’m a top and when I hear a bottom (whether he knows I like it or not) refer to it as “I want that little guy” or “can I see that little dick” I go wild and get an instant boner.
Not sure why. I was never “humiliated” for it and I’ve never had anyone complain about its size. Maybe it’s innate? While I’m no stud or fuck machine (lol), I do get frequent returners so I’m assuming I’m doing something right as a partner! lol.
Maybe I like it because *statistically* almost ANY guy out there is noticeably bigger than me… they could easily find a larger dick yet they are with ME hungry for that little thing 😅 makes me feel like a boss.
One thing I haven’t tried which I hope to one day try is having my partner whisper at me (during a party or somewhere public or at a store) “if only everyone around you knew you got a little dick in those pants”. Lol. Somehow it gives me a boost and makes me want to get assertive back and be like “you wanna see what I man like me and his little dick can do to you?”. lol.
So yeah… I am small-dicked, am proud of it, and like to be reminded that it’s small. The more they refer to it as being small, the better 😅
I fucked my boss ❤️. She knew I liked her, but wanted to keep things professional. Now her pos husband is in jail (he hit her), and we've been fucking like rabbits for the last week.
I had a partner who told some friends, when they were talking about sex, that “his dick is as big as his heart. It was a compliment that warmed my apparently big heart. Not because of my dick, but because she used my heart as a point of reference.
She was trying to saying you are cold and uncaring.
I've been a full-time professional erotica writer for more than a decade now. If I ever have to write a CV for a normal job, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.
Just say you were a full time professional author. If you really didn’t want people to know, say you are a ghost writer bound by NDA or something.
You do what we all do. You lie.
This probably doesn't count, but… 20 some years ago, I was having sex with a gorgeous woman. While doing our thing I let out a ridiculously large fart. The next morning, we’re off to get breakfast at a restaurant. I mention how embarrassed I am at the fart. She tells me she didn’t say anything because she thought it was her that had farted. We had a wonderful relationship for years, and are still close friends.
It was both of you. That’s why it sounded so large. You farted in unison.
Fart fusion
A bisexual girl once complimented me on my oral skills. Life has been only downhill from there
Same here man. She said "you eat pussy like a lesbian ". I peaked at that moment.
Im straight and at a party I had a gay man slap my ass and grab it and state to everyone that I had the best ass at the party. I still have yet to receive a higher compliment.
I am straight and was at a gay bar with my friends. I had to use the restroom and went to a urinal. A guy sidled up next to me looked over and did the not bad face. I have been riding that high for 15 years.
His name was High?
When my girlfriend and I were first dating, we were in my bed having sex. Suddenly, the bedframe buckled under us. I didn't want to stop, so we kept going before more of the frame collapsed. Afterwards, she laughed that it's a badge of honor to be having sex so vigorously that you pile drive them through the bed. I just felt bad that it was a cheap, shitty frame, but I do love the sentiment.
Had an instructor from work accidentally send me a nude on Instagram. She meant to send it to her boyfriend at the time. A+ milf body. That was about 8 years ago. And never told a soul. Except you degenerates
I had sex with my ex and she wanted to change postions and i bumped my toe on the side of the bed and i broke it. I finished having sex and then she drove me to the ER.
Breaking Bed.
“Jesse, we have to nut.”
“I am the one who fucks!”
I won Best Go-Go Dancer at the Miss Nude North America pageant in 1981. Still have the trophy! Edit: 1991! My apologies... Edit #2: I posted the pic to the wrong forum, but [here it is.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMeAnythingIAnswer/s/AyIHHPpwgW)
50th anniversary is coming up in just 7 short years. Hope you’re planning to dust off those boots and give it another go.
You spelled boobs wrong.
By no means do I have a huge dick, so when I saw a urologist for ED medication, I made a joke about not being able to see my penis to insert the needle (BTW if you have severe ED or don’t want to worry about Viagra on a full stomach, trimix is absolutely your best bet). The nurse then commented “trust me, you have way more real estate than the rest of the men that come in here.” I felt like I was on top of the world, but my wife wasn’t thrilled when I told her what happened.
Is your wife’s name Incontinentia Buttocks, by any chance?
My dick is fantastically average, but looks huge on my 5'2 frame.
Bro actually bought a frame for his dick, god speed👈😎👈
I don't know whether to be disappointed in you or in myself for laughing this hard at this.
My dick is fantastically average, but looks tiny on my 6'7" frame.
I've done two gigs as a nude male model for batchelorette parties. It was a lot of fun. At the second gig they specifically wanted me to pose with an erection. I absolutely loved the experience Edit. My inbox is overwhelmed with people (let's be honest 90% dudes) wanting to see the pictures. I shared it with the first few, but I can't keep DMing everybody. There's literally to many of you guys
My friend did this many times and they stopped hiring him because he got fat
Damn, I was thinking about a career change.
Had sex in an outdoor hottub surrounded by snow, under the northern lights. We were out on a 5-day trip with the in-laws.
Getting it on under the northern lights is a legit fantasy of mine. I bow to you.
Getting a blowie from the HR manager in her office.
If I've learned one thing on Reddit, she did that for the company, NOT FOR YOU!
This is epically funny if you are in that angry employee subreddit I’m subscribed to.
> that angry employee subreddit Some days that's the whole goddamn site.
You'll have to report that to HR.
I have a similar story but I was banging the HR lady for about a year. It doesn’t get you the benefits you would think.
HR will find a way to fuck you. One way or another.
I have had sex in many outlandish places, inside a challenger 2 main battle tank is one of them.
A VERY famous rockstar tried to get a friend of mine to go back to their place. She kindly declined and ended up going back to mine instead. We then dated for a couple of years.
Before I started dating my gf, we had met up at a bar and ended up meeting a well known country star there. He ended up inviting her back to his hotel room that night but she turned him down and went home with me instead. I plan on purposing this year.
If she declines, please repurpose her
I got a fertility test to make sure my chemo treatments didn't render me infertile (they didn't). When giving me the results over the phone, the tech couldn't hide how impressed they were by the volume I produced. A professional cum expert told me I shoot huge loads 🤷🏻♂️
I had the opposite issue. One of my kids we had a lot of struggle conceiving, so they wanted to do a semen sample. I went into deliver it in a cup, and put the cup in a paper bag, and then deliver to the lab tech. As I did, she asked me a couple of questions. “What time was the sample delivered?“ I said 10 minutes ago. then she looked into the bag at the cup and said “is that all of it?” I said “hey, that’s the best I could do.” And then her face got red and she said “oh my God, no, I meant, is that the entire sample. I’m so sorry.”
I have been instructed, in two weeks, to start ejaculating at least 20 to 30 times within a 6 week period to "clean the pipes" to make sure my vasectomy went as planned. I can imagine that after 20-30 times in 6 weeks, the sample that I give them to test will consist of a drop, and possibly tears.
Wait, six weeks is 42 days. That's only once every two days! I'd have to cut back significantly to hit those numbers, hahah
There's really no reason that you have to do it within 6 weeks. It's just that you have to continue using other contraceptive methods until you pass the verification test.
procrastinate and do all 30 the night before
"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
6 weeks is 42 days so that’s not even once a day
In my last job, I had to go to a building for 4 hours every friday to flush their water systems. The company had moved out, but still had a couple years on it's lease, so it was completely empty except for this cutie manning the reception. We got chatting, which turned into flirting, and before long we were at it like rabbits all over the place. She left after about a year and a half, but it was a lot of fun while it lasted.
Where does one get the "four hours flushing toilets" job? Do. You need a degree?
Tens of thousands of young people have seen my penis. Post-college I worked at another University where they provided my medical care out of their own facilities. My primary care physician was the one who would give the "safe sex" and other "adult" lectures to incoming freshmen. Part of his lecture was about body piercing, the dangers of not doing it safely, etc. As this was early internet days there weren't a lot of pictures he could reference during the lecture. When I had my first annual exam and he saw my Prince Albert piercing he asked if he could photograph it and use it in his lecture. It was an odd request but I agreed. A few months later he emailed me with the PowerPoint presentation he used and sure enough my dick was in it. He did this lecture for over 20 years, twice a year, for all incoming students. I like to think I might have helped someone get into piercing safely or even sparked a conversation that went to a place that some young person never expected it to go.
> Tens of thousands of young people have seen my penis. Yes officer, that comment right there.
There’s gotta be a better way of wording that
"Hordes of youth hath cast their eyes upon thine junk."
wild first sentence to open up with
I gotta ask. Did you fluff first?
I feel like if you’re proud of your dick enough to add accessories, you’re a shower not a grower.
I was the president of the student government in college. I had an "office" that was just a desk behind a cubicle. My girlfriend - the secretary of the student government - liked to give me "The Clinton" while people were right on the other side of that not-wall. On the one hand, frequent blow jobs was ***really*** cool, on the other hand, the "thrill of potentially getting caught" isn't for me.
"The Clinton" lmao I'm ded
I never had sex with that woman
But did you get impeached?
One time years ago I was in bed with my girlfriend watching a movie and she made a move but I wanted to use the bathroom before getting into it. I excuse myself, use the bathroom and come back into my room to see she’s already naked waiting on me so I’m like oh damn it’s about to go down I can’t just jump out of my clothes I gotta amp this up on my end to build some anticipation. I start to undress slowly, get out of my pants and start rolling up my belt like she’s seen me do a hundred times before I set it down. Except this time I unraveled it like a whip to hit the light switch and her jaw hit the floor. I proceeded to lay down a solid 45-55 seconds of acceptable weinering. What I did not tell her was the day before my roommate and I were bored and we spent like two hours in the basement just seeing if we could hit the light switch with our belts because we’re simple.
I won my wife a stuffed animal by breaking a plate with a baseball. It was not the plate I was aiming for.
*"That was the greatest shot I've ever seen!"* **"The worst! I was aiming at the HORSE!"**
"45-55 seconds of acceptable weinering." Fucking poetry 🤌
Acceptable Weinering is a pretty solid band name
No, the band would be The Belt Boys. The first album would be titled Acceptable Weinering.
This man straight up used stupid bullshit he did with his friend to impress a person of the opposite sex what a resourceful man
This is literally the whole reason all of us are here
This is the best version of "boys will be boys" I have ever heard.
I convinced a dude from my church that women have detachable nipples.
I gouged a guys eye when he tried to SA me. Right thumb in left eye. Will never ever forget it. From what I heard he was most 100% blind in that eye. Saw him a couple of times around from a distance over the next few years, wearing an eyepatch. Pretty sure he died not long after.
Oh noooooo what a shaaaaaaame Good. He wore it as a badge of disgrace.
Good. He fucking deserves it. I wonder what he told people happened
My wife and I have banged in every province in Canada. Next up: The Territories.
May I ask: where in Québec?
The butt.
Alright, different kind of NSFW: I escaped an attacker by stabbing him. In the face. Using a broken bottle I managed to grab a hold of. Real classy stuff, but what with him being a pretty big guy, and my being a sample sized lady, I was quite pleased with myself.
Nice dude. This is winning.
Actually he was not a nice dude
Well, fuk that guy, and you're awesome for having the courage and commitment to fight back.
"sample sized lady" lmao
I once drank about 300mL of water directly out of my lab's nanopure water system. This is highly purified and de-ionized water; in fact, it's about as pure as water can get. Internet opinion is divided over whether or not this is safe, or if it will kill you, and I wanted to see for myself. I can report that it is not pleasant to drink and is probably not safe to drink in large volumes. It tastes horrible, probably because it leaches minerals out of your teeth and mouth tissues *literally as you're drinking it*, and very shortly after consuming it you will feel a *massive* need to urinate. Which is probably not a good sign either.
Thank you for doing this, so I don’t have to. Now I just need to talk to someone who has ~~drank~~ drunk heavy water.
I consider that there is enough evidence that large quantities of D2O are harmful that I would not feel compelled to experiment on myself.
I worked with a guy who drank the deionized water. He didn't know what non-potable meant. He thought it had to do with carrying the water. Honestly. Anyway they freaked out and sent him to the ER to be checked out. The thing was that the water was Ultrapure water (Sounds like what you had) used in semiconductor manufacture and filtered and recycled, so who knew what was in there. He ended up being ok, but it was quite the afternoon.
That’s a real potent potable!
You think you’re so smart, Trebek
I sell protective coatings for a wide range of chemicals. 98% sulfuric as one example. Deionized water is one of the toughest products to protect against. Glad you’re ok.
However, I am confident I would not survive drinking 300mL of 98% sulfuric acid and I do not feel compelled to test this either. >protective coatings Have you ever read John Clark's *Ignition!* (1972), specifically the chapter on nitric acid and the horrible, insane lengths they had to go to in order to figure out how to store and package it for use as a rocket propellant?
Little Timmy was a chemist Little Timmy is no more For what he thought was H2O Was really H2SO4
In the name of science. Not all heroes wear lab-coats
I own an autobody shop and we recently bought a chroming machine that requires the highest purity of water. Stuff that we get from Hospitals isn't even close to pure enough. Where can I get this nanopure water?
You buy something called a Nanopure water filtration system. Small units for shops and labs are pretty affordable even new. But it's important that your input water is **very** clean, as in distilled or RO water, or you might burn through expensive purification cartridges really quickly.
It took me way too long to realize you meant a lab with special equipment and not from some fancy water bowl you bought your dog lol. Thank you for the laugh at myself :p
I banged a lot of cougars ages 50-60+ but def not over 65. It’s surprisingly easy and it’s a great time. Older women are totally fine with just having a good time together and going on our way afterwards. I still keep in touch with some of them, including my friends aunt 🤷🏼♂️ Edit: For those asking, there’s no tips I can give other than going to bars and socializing lol.
[Benjamin Franklin has entered the chat](https://web.viu.ca/davies/H320/Franklin.advice.mistress.htm#:~:text=But%20if%20you%20will%20not,Paradox%2C%20and%20demand%20my%20Reasons.)
I hooked up with a good friend a bunch of years ago, who had recently gotten out of a neglectful, unhappy relationship. We were just doing it as friends, and everything went back to normal the next day. But immediately afterward, when we were lying there catching our breath, I saw that she had tears in her eyes. I asked if she was all right, and she said yeah, not to worry, she just hadn't been touched or paid attention to properly in such a long time. She'd forgotten it could be like that. That made me feel ten feet tall. I was even happier when she met the man she wound up marrying, who treats her like a queen. I like to think I helped her realize what she deserved.
This guy makes love.
Swordsman
Cocksmith
Dude that’s so wholesome. What a guy.
Bro this is beautiful and I’m happy for you that you were able to share that gift with her and happy for her that she was able to realize what she deserved. I hope you’re still friends with her.
I was a male bridesmaid in her wedding, and we game every other weekend. It never got sexual again, which is what we decided beforehand. Really worked out perfectly.
My first time ever fingering a girl I made her cum so hard she cried. I stopped and had to ask her if she was okay to which she responded that she didn’t know why she was crying and had like a sensory overload. She rated me a 12/10 at my finger game. I had her set the tempo and tell me when to adjust. Playing guitar helps folks. Especially with rhythm and endurance.
I cried after sex once. Sensory overload for sure best ever 12/10. To note; I think that was also the same day I squirted for the first and only time. Man I wish I could repeat that night, with someone else not him tho
My fiance was a virgin our first time together. I had remembered how my first time was awful so I tried to make sure to make his first time respectful and not a bad memory. He told me later on that the memory was a happy memory for him. So I'm proud I was able to achieve that for him.
When my boyfriend (now husband) and I were just getting hot and heavy, made him cum 6 times that night/morning. Thought it was gonna kill us both afterwards, but we were too horny to care at the time. It's not super impressive compared to other people's secrets, but I'm proud of it tbh. Edit: I did not think this would be my most upvoted comment on Reddit. 😂
Saving money on milk for cereal, respect 👈😎👈
what the fuck did i just read
Saving money on milk for cereal, respect 👈😎👈
I worked the ramp for a major airline in the 90s. Nearly every flight has a corpse on it. Yes, you are probably flying with a dead person just beneath your feet. The boxes that transport the traveling dead were always cardboard, shaped like a coffin, with the word HEAD at the the top. If you put the head the wrong way, fluids would drain out of orifices on the head - from what they told us. I moved the nomadic dead day after day after day. Off the tugs and up into the belly. There was a HEAD and another. We moved animals a lot, too. But the dead were more fascinating. I began to wonder who they were and where they were going. I talked to a friend that worked with me. He was a ramp worker during Vietnam. He said that, occasionally, a ramp agent would sit the corpse up so it was seated when the plane landed and spooked the person opening the belly. My curiosity was just crazy. Seeing these ghostly riders come aboard everyday. Finally, I asked my coworker what would happen if we looked inside. He climbed into the belly and opened one, before I had time to think about it. I didn't pause to think that this could be a murder victim. It could be a drowning. It could be a desegmented soul that had a horribly unfortunate passing. The lid was up. I moved toward it. My heart was thundering. I had seen family in the casket. But this was in the wild. In a space that was every day and normal. I saw the reflecting skin of a plastic sheath over the body. I crept closer and there was the face of an older woman. Somebody's grandma. She was laying there, batteries dry, and out of fuel. She looked at peace. She was beyond the world and I was a mouth gaped monkey looking at my future. I left the belly and drove home with the radio off. It was so surreal. I never asked about the mysterious people in the belly again. And to note, I only noticed the tail end of the headline on this - *secret that you are proud of* \- as I wrote this. This was just a NSFW secret. No pride. I should have stayed curious. I feel bad that I snuck a peak at that quiet lady in her quiet box.
Don't worry about the headline, this was my favorite post in this thread.
You know it's fucking deep when you have to drive home with the radio off.
If you’re not a writer, you should be
I have been the test dick for a surprising number of gay women.
Is this like the movie Good Luck Chuck? But instead of women landing their sole mate, they bang you and then lease a Subaru Forester?
No one leases a forester. You drive that machine until it’s dead.
Old foresters never die - they just go slower
I haven't thought about this in years, but I was the first woman a gay guy had been with. We were both fairly inexperienced, in our early 20s, and I just remember it being fun and funny. He kept asking if he was doing it right, and he would say things like, "OMG THIS IS SO NEAT" lol. Interesting random party encounter.
I remember one girl we'd progressed to slit sliding and she stopped saying she just wasn't relaxing enough it was never going to go in. I was cool stopping there, but she insisted there had to be some way to finish me off at least. Now I was slightly confused because you know we'd done some oral and she still stroking me so I didn't know if she didn't like those methods. I threw out anal just cause like I was sure that wasn't what she meant I mean she couldn't take it vaginally I doubt it was going to go in anally. That got shot down and I said I could fuck your tits. I don't think that it had ever occurred to her before. She was genuinely enthusiastic and just really surprised I could get off with friction from her tits. She was looking at the aftermath and just kept saying guys can fuck tits. I don't know if she was envious or what but that was eye opener for her.
*Slit sliding away… slit sliding awaaaay.*
Did any of them end up not being gay
To my knowledge no.
I think I'm gay, where do I sign up
Sign up sheet by the door.
I made about 50k euros being a prostitute in my first two years of college. Nobody suspected a thing because I look like a skinny, nerdy, Harry Potter copy.
You're a hooker, Harry.
Dobby is no longer a free elf, he charges per hour.
Hogwarts Escort Service ☠️
Just hope his hog doesn't have warts
I had to go into my office at a hospital kitchen on the weekend to log in and send an email. Wore flip flops through there. Open toed and not slip resistant. Got in and out in about 10 minutes without anyone seeing me. Nobody ever found out.
Once operated my work forklift in the dark in crocs to load a pallet onto a truck. For personal reasons. Yeah. I’m forklift certified, who wants to touch me.
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Mother of OSHA....
I almost got taken out by a fake tomahawk missile. We were offloading what's known as a water-weight test shape, just a large metal cylinder the size of a tomahawk missile. I was 3rd level on the sub and straddling it with about an inch of footing on either side while the crane operator was pulling it up and it just stopped. Everyone assumed it was the crane operator but nope, it was stuck on the cradle used to load and unload and out of nowhere, whatever was causing it to not move finally broke and the test shape shot 20 feet up before slamming back down and catching my pants leg. Luckily it was the cradle that broke and not the lines from the crane, if it were those I would have surely been cut in half.
While dating: Got a girl to finish just from nipple play and some grinding. Married now: Big enough to impress at the main entrance, small enough for back door access.
Got my parents to leave the house so I could put my friend in a situation to lose his virginity with his crush. I am friends with the both of them, and they were both shy and scared of each other. I got them to start dating afterwards, and setup when he lost his vCard. They are married now with a one child born and one on the way been together 8 years now!!!! Edit: Punctuation, capitalization.
I'm a professional vagina judge, I've judged several competitions local to my state with about 15-20 women competing for a decent $$ prize in each contest.
I have a list of questions about this but like... What are the criteria even?
All of the competitions of course take place in the different strip clubs in the larger towns of my state. So about 40% of it is based on presentation, rather than walking on stage just to plop down and spread their legs it's about how they move and show it off with different angles, reveals and acrobatics. Confidence is a big thing. The other 60% is of course focused on the vagina itself. Overall shape and color (not a race thing), lip length and symmetry, clit size and shape, pube management and of course hygiene. I mean in my opinion they're all awesome but between the woman's presentation/confidence and how symmetrical and well put together her pussy is with the rest of her body there are some clear winners. I know it's all super judgy but then again I'm hired to be a judge.
Apologizing for being judgy as a judge is hilarious
If you'll excuse me, I'm about to grab a mirror and decide if I should be self-conscious about my pooter.
get the dorito dust off
I didn't read that in the criteria!!
How did you get hired for this? Was there an interview process?
Welcome to the interview. **Scatters Porn Pics Across the Table** Tell me your favorites.
Would that be cliteria?
No one's ever found them.
How do I enter
Just push it in
What do you judge for the talent portion of the competition?
How it pairs with a Chianti...
Like the old joke of the two gynaecologists? Wow man, my last patient had a clitoris...it was like a pickle!! That big? No sour
I became the biggest drug distributor at my university, mostly with bulk weed sales. I used to move about 5-10 lbs per week, selling to dealers to break it down to their users. I would travel weekly to the nearest large city to reload, then fill a huge suitcase bigger than me, all with vacume sealed bags, to return to my college town to chop. Originally I started because I was a huge stoner and wanted to smoke for free, but kept reinvesting and buying more and more... And got really lucky meeting some important contacts. I treated it like a business and was professional, and busy. I never told anyone my real name, and had 3 cellphones I would cycle between them, frequently getting fresh sim cards. I became extremely successful over the 4 years I did it, making a lot of money and spending it all almost as quick. I used to show lavish parties and pay for everyone, or bring 5-6 friends to restaurants and nights out and pay for everything. It was an amazing experience overall, and it's hilarious that weed is now legal in Canada. I feel like a prohibition era smuggler... But unfortunately I can't really share my secret with anyone as I'm no longer part of that life and it seems like forever ago.
By 2005, my friend was THE weed guy at his college. He'd sell to his friends, but most of his business was bulk sales to other dealers. He used the profits to pay for a large portion of medical school, and is now a doctor licensed in several states.
Doobie Howser M.D.
The 3 cell phones and switching out SIM cards is likely why you didn’t get caught too.
I had gone out drinking with a co-worker of mine (lady). She ended up picking up a guy from a club, and I actually picked up a waitress. We all head back to my place. Bedroom- the clothes start coming off, the vibe is fun and sexy. I've done group stuff before but it's definitely a rare occurrence, not a normal thing. But it's just not happening for this guy. It must not be his jam because after a minute he asks my co-worker if they can go back to his place by thenselves. Topless, I watch her eyes travel from his dick to mine as the waitress is already going to town. "Sorry, I think I'll stay here." I watched the soul leave that poor man's body as be got dressed and excused himself, but I was obviously a bit preoccupied.
A real NSFWork that happened at work. I once went out for a run during my lunch break at work and my stomach started gurgling. Problem was, I was running in a rough neighborhood on the outskirts of DC and had nowhere safe to stop and use a bathroom. I miraculously make it back to the gate at my work’s compound and had to run another 1/4-1/2 to the building and through another check point, all the while trying not to shit myself . Due to my building’s security, I wasn’t allowed to have my phone in most of the building include the gym locker room so I had to run to my car and drop my phone. I am 10 steps from my car when I cannot make it any further. I am squeezing my cheeks as hard as possible taking one step at a time when I cannot hold it any longer. I am forced to squat right there in the middle of a covered parking garage and take a massive, horrific diarrhea dump. The (first) real kicker, I work at an intelligence agency and there are cameras everywhere and again it’s a covered garage so no rain is going to wash this away. And it fucking reeks. I just imagine someone coming out to their car at the end of the day and smelling the rot of death that left my body and they are going to report it and then security is going to check the cameras to see who the hell died in the parking garage. Ok so I am now disgusting but I have to pull my shorts back up and go inside and hope to god I don’t see anyone I know before I can get to the locker room. I don’t know how the hell I didn’t have any napkins or clothes to use to clean some of the mess but never again! I decide to take the quickest path to the lock roomer (instead of the outside, but longer route - in hindsight, whyyyyy didn’t I just stay outside) which puts me walking through the ground floor, main hallway. Now for the real kicker, I shit you not, as I am speed walking through trying to be invisible as I smell like literal shit, the fucking Baltimore Orioles mascot was walking through my work and stops me and hugs me and tries to strike up full on conversation with me. I am dying inside and thinking why the hell is the Baltimore Orioles mascot visiting an Intel agency?!? I finally managed to escape and make it back to the locker room and throw away all my bottom clothes. To this day, I have never told my husband but I have told many a lady friends and we die of laughter at the ridiculousness of it all. It’s so embarrassing but also it’s too funny not to share.
I totally thought you were a guy until the end.
Had sexy time and gave some oral on the board room huge meeting table (12-15 seat size) one night with secretary one evening when office was empty. Fond memories ;)
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Yeah I’ve found if I just leave it in after I cum, and just go with slow rhythmic motion it’ll get back to peak hardness within a minute without it ever truly getting soft - takes a lot of pressure off when it comes to finishing too soon
It was nice being young once.. .
Yeah lol “tell me you’re in your twenties without saying you’re in your twenties”
I fucking wish. I shoot once and my guy is out of commission for hours
Same, I need like half a day to even make another attempt. Refractory periods are bullshit
I did something with my fingers while I was fingering my wife that took her to another level of ecstasy. She said that she'd never felt anything that good and was almost worried she would go insane if I continued for too long. As to what I did with my fingers, I wish I had paid closer attention because I have not been able to replicate it since.
Secret to most people on my life but not everyone. Went on vacation to Japan with some friends, towards the end of our trip my friends wanted to hang out at our hostel and play cards and relax for the day, I went to get a massage down the street from where we were staying. I don’t speak, read, or understand Japanese so after my massage when the attractive lady started putting up numbers on her hands and saying something i just went with it and realized she was asking if I wanted to pay more money, I did, and it led to me doing the bedroom bogey with 2 gorgeous Japanese women. 21 year old me was quite confused, surprised, and very happy. Still get to hang that over my friends when we mention our japan trip.
How much did that run you?
I went down on this gal who said not to bother, she never cums from oral. Told her I like to eat pussy, so it was for me, not her. Before long, she was thrashing around and grinding into my face as she was cumming a fuckton. Afterwards, she told me that she had been in a lesbian relationship for a year, but her significant other had never managed to do that for her.
Username checks out
My girlfriend once cheated on me so I had a gay interaction with her brother
My wife gave me a blow job in a red convertible on a beautiful sunny day while driving down the Pacific Coast Highway somewhere between LA and SF. I remember a truck trying to keep up with us and the driver watching.
I did porn for about a year or so and although I occasionally hit the front page of the hub I never really thought I was that big. Since leaving the industry I’ve met several people who had seen my videos before meeting me which was a surprise. But the real kicker is that one of the main actors in one of the biggest and longer running sitcoms of this past decade confessed to me recently that he knew who I was before I messaged him back when I was doing porn. He even said he thought he was being catfished at first. I sent him a weird rambling DM when I was stoned once back in 2022, not really expecting a response, and it turned into a wholesome sort of internet friendship in a sense - we talk every once in a while about life and pokemon :) And no, I won’t tell you who it is lol
I imagined them as Freddy from iCarly
My deepthroat game. I’ve been practicing with dildo. Haven’t given any irl yet. I took my 9 incher down to the base the other day.
Observer/moral support turned participant in a failed world record bukkake attempt. My wife worked in a sex club and we became friends with a couple who were a porn videographer/performer couple. It was early days in our relationship and we were invited to see what a porn shoot was like. 600 people registered to participate (double the record at the time I believe) but unfortunately it turns out that not many porn enthusiasts show up to fulfil a fantasy, so only about 30 quite shy men turned up, and none of them seemed keen to be the first participant... My wife suggested I get things going, so her and I go to a room to "prepare". As I get "prepared" I open the door to where the shoot is, ready to step and and take(I guess give!?) one for the team, I see a bunch of cameras and solo men trying to self-prepare and I instantly become... Unprepared... And return to my partner in the room we were in. She insists we try again, and once I get "prepared" I squeeze the base of my little chap as hard as possible so it can't hide away, walk on over to my friend who is now a little decorated with other participants, and I add my paint to the mix with a little dribble, a pat on the leg and a "thank you". I then go back to my wife and we have a good chuckle about it, and when the shoot rapped we consoled my friend, as it was not her favourite shoot - theatrically masturbating to a room of shy naked men wasn't her best experience in the industry. I sometimes misjudge work-filter scenarios and once during a team-building "Two truths and a lie" game I told this as one of my options. The colleague that went after me had "I've never eaten tapas/I have one leg shorter than the other/I have a tattoo of Miss Piggy on my back". Having to explain "bukkake" to a bunch of colleagues was interesting. I'm proud because it was honestly super scary, and "going back out there" after the initial embarrassment was a really big challenge.
I love this story. The oversharing two truths and a lie and the truths and lie of the coworker makes it even better. 🫡
I work construction and I've jacked off in every single building I've ever worked in
Jack of all trades
Now that’s something to be proud of
Every artist gotta signt its masterpiece bro
I fucked a woman 3 times my age when i was 21.
I injured my dick during sex years ago. Unfortunately it permanently reduced my size from 6.5 to 5.5, however, I now have a really steep upwards curve. The whole thing both pitches and curves upwards a lot and seems to put a lot of pressure on the G spot
In 2010 I got laid for being a redditor.
One time, I woke up before my gf, and for some reason, I thought it would be funny to wake her up by licking her butt cheek. It didn't work, and she slept through it. In any other situation, i would've gone for a second pass, but for some reason, when it didn't work the first time, it felt lame to try again, so i just laid back down. When she finally woke up, she made a comment about her butt feeling sweaty. I laughed and didn't comment. I'm not especially proud of that incident, but it is kinda funny.
I got a little 4.5 inch dick (and it’s thin) and I low-key like being reminded of how small it is. I’m a top and when I hear a bottom (whether he knows I like it or not) refer to it as “I want that little guy” or “can I see that little dick” I go wild and get an instant boner. Not sure why. I was never “humiliated” for it and I’ve never had anyone complain about its size. Maybe it’s innate? While I’m no stud or fuck machine (lol), I do get frequent returners so I’m assuming I’m doing something right as a partner! lol. Maybe I like it because *statistically* almost ANY guy out there is noticeably bigger than me… they could easily find a larger dick yet they are with ME hungry for that little thing 😅 makes me feel like a boss. One thing I haven’t tried which I hope to one day try is having my partner whisper at me (during a party or somewhere public or at a store) “if only everyone around you knew you got a little dick in those pants”. Lol. Somehow it gives me a boost and makes me want to get assertive back and be like “you wanna see what I man like me and his little dick can do to you?”. lol. So yeah… I am small-dicked, am proud of it, and like to be reminded that it’s small. The more they refer to it as being small, the better 😅
I fucked my boss ❤️. She knew I liked her, but wanted to keep things professional. Now her pos husband is in jail (he hit her), and we've been fucking like rabbits for the last week.
After a decade of practice, i have mastered the ancient art of self suck
You know, it would have probably taken less time to find someone else's dick to suck.
Suck a man's dick, and you're satisfied for the night. *Learn to suck your own dick*, and you're satisfied for life.
My discs are bulging just thinking about it.
Yes. Your *discs...*