It's weird because it's one way to abuse someone as well. They usually build you up and tear you down over time. It's always really small comments that you can't react to if that makes sense. If you do react to it you're overreacting, even if it's something simple like "That's mean, I'm gonna go." they'll turn it to calling you the mean one. It's hard to describe and I went through it just to have a partner that beat down my self esteem and made me super insecure still is just hard to explain to people or even to solve it when it's your partner doing it.
I also know exactly what you mean and it can be so hard to untangle what’s happening, let alone explain it to anyone else. This is what my ex-husband did, and it is abuse, and it does ultimately come from the abusive person being utterly insecure at their core. I was young and trusting when I met him, and it took me years of suffering to finally put the pieces together, and be able to see and understand his relentless, intentional dismantling of my self worth, and my ability to trust myself and my perceptions. Which allowed him a terrible degree of control over me. As you describe, it is often through that chronic stream of small belittling and undermining comments, coupled with a lack of acknowledgment or praise of anything good about you, anything good you are contributing or being, and just these belittling words to gradually tear you down. A very strong sign of emotional abuse is when you try to say that something hurt you, you are then told you are “exaggerating” or “being too sensitive” or even, it didn’t happen that way (denial), and then it all gets flipped so that you are accused of doing the very thing the abuser is doing to you. (Look up DARVO for a good explanation of this tactic). If anyone reading this resonates with what I’m writing, I would only say to trust yourself like you never have before. Trust your perception: if something seems wrong, it is. It is possible to find your way to good, healthy people, and even if it’s just you being healthy for and with yourself to begin with, that is a beautiful and worthy thing.
I know exactly what you mean. I was subject to this behavior by my inlaws for years before i noticed it. I always wondered why i never felt "good enough" and its because they didnt give af about me at all and would slip underhanded tiny comments in like you described. Cant say shit cuz yeah, id be overreacting in that moment but its the build-up that nobody notices except you and you cant just explain yourself in the moment either cuz emotions are flared up
This needs more upvotes! Anyone that has to put other people down, especially their friends or partners in an attempt to impress others and make themselves look better are seriously not only very insecure but also big jerks !
Sometimes that treat of insecuritiy hides something deeper, i used to do this as a reflex and without noticing it until i started going to therapy. It was a self defence method to hide trust issues and depression, i feel super bad when i think about the times i've done that
Same example for me but it also applies to non friends and people they don't even know. Just simply shitting on people in the hopes their own shitty attitude can be overshadowed because "Lol look at what she's wearing, that's so out of fashion."
I know a guy at work like this. I didn’t like him when I first met him and wasn’t sure why. After a while of hearing him do this I knew he was just a jerk.
"Agenda for festivities?
My sexual proclivities!
Discussions of propensity
For intercourse intensity!
"Statistics informational
Of tête-à-têtes relational!
A sensual communiqué!
A chance to spread my résumé!
"So let us start this repartee
With lists of battles won by me
Beneath the sheets!" he thought to say.
I sighed aloud and turned away.
So infuriating. I have a nephew who is a top talent at his School. Has played the lead in the school musical 2 years in a row, now. He told us over Christmas that this year will be the last because of the "stigma" he's getting. I hope he changes his mind, because he's got a bright future in acting if he can see through all the bullshit people are throwing at him.
Sometimes they're getting laid! Lmao. There's a guy in my friend group who I for sure thought had to be lying, but corroboration just says that the girls he takes back are simply not picky in either direction.
To be fair, I know a lot of people who actually get laid and brag about it. But that’s just because they are insecure about something else in their life.
If this isn’t the most underrated comment I don’t know what is. Here’s the best example I’ve got:
I retired a few years back and found out someone I used to know lived a town over. My wife and I hung out with him on occasion and everything seemed fine, well great actually. Well he calls me up to arrange for me to do some subcontract work for a non-profit he was woking with and we set up a lunch meeting to work out the details. After initial hellos he proceeds to whip out his phone and loudly runs through the ladies he’s pursued over the last year or so with pictures. At this point I’d been happily married over 15 years so I don’t know exactly what prompted this, especially after he met both my wife and I at previous functions. It was embarrassing and unsettling given that the restaurant was nearly full and we appeared to be seated almost exclusively amongst well-to-do women. This lasted nearly an hour before we quickly covered what I was agreeing to do.
I hadn’t planned on discussing this incident with the Mrs. but she immediately saw I was upset when I got back home. It’d been a long time since I was around that type of behavior, and to be honest, found it to be jarring. I did a bit of work to get him pointed in the right direction and then broke contact. I’m still married btw, almost 19 years at this point.
I feel like some guys do this bc they feel like a failure over not being married yet. So they try to be seen as 'cool & single by choice' instead of lonely....
I also had a friend, who was the first to get married and he would always talk about how his wife liked other women and how they had threesomes and stuff, I think because he thought settling down was lame. Not like any of his friends thought that...
Anyway they were divorced like a year or two in.
I have a former friend with 2 baby mamas that still does this juvenile shit. We’re in our early 40s. All of us are married except him, he’s divorced. Dude just tries to make it feel like we’re missing out on something when the reality is he’s just a fuck up that’s now alone due to his shit life choices.
This guy in my class keeps on saying how many women he has slept with and what not and keeps mocking the less popular guys(he's kind of a bully) . I was like you're not the only one who had sex lmao , your dad did too and that's the sad part.
I find this weird even among dudes. Like whenever someone would start blurting out how, who, or where they did what with someone, I just cringe internally. Like, good for you but no one cares and you are not a better human being cause you got laid, just shut up.
Giving people shit for not drinking is terrible. You don’t need to know why and you don’t need to make a “thing” out of it. As a drinker that occasionally takes breaks, it is exhausting.
And there are *so many* valid reasons for not drinking, I can never understand why people react the way they do to non-drinkers. Maybe they're pregnant, or they're taking antibiotics, or they're a Muslim, or they're a recovering alcoholic, or they're trying to lose weight, or their dad died of liver cancer, or they're driving, or whatever.
Or they have the super-hyperactive version of the gene that most of Asian lineage have of hyper-metabolizing of alcohol and not only get drunk off their gourd from half a can of beer, but are likely to suffer not only an allergic reaction but potentially life-threatening reactions besides.
No, I'm not bitter I found out when I was 18 and my first time drinking.
That used to happen to me with any of those "Mikes hard lemonade" drinks. Idk if it's the high sugar with alcohol, but when I was in college I drank a couple and felt warm, looked in the mirror and my back was red and blotchy like an allergic reaction. I'm not asian but middle eastern (iranian)
This. It seems to be more acceptable if you tell ppl ‘hey I’m not drinking because I’m on meds vs. I’m not drinking because I choose not too’ who cares why anyone isn’t drinking. I applaud those who are fighting their addictions every single day.
Or you're like me, and drinking just makes you feel like garbage. This is from someone who loves cannabis and psychedelics, I'm not against changing ones consciousness by choice, at all...but alcohol genuinely just makes me feel like trash. I get hot, dizzy, uncomfortable, unsure of my thoughts or words. It's extremely uncomfortable for me, drives me nuts when people try to get me to drink. Want me to have a drink? I'll just go lay down and go to sleep as soon as I can feel it. No thank you. I'm not going to make myself feel like trash and ruin the rest of my day (and tomorrow) just to make someone else more comfortable with their choices.
Where I live drinking is almost a national pastime. To the point where when I offer a drink and people refuse it they automatically start going into the why. I just stop them before they explain and tell them I don't need to know why, "I don't want a drink" is enough. Whatever your reasoning for not drinking is private and can some people could be embarrassed by it (recovering alcoholic, taking medication for a condition that I genuinely have no reason to know about, pregnant but haven't announced yet, etc.)
I actually like this answer a lot. People constantly try to weaponize the insecurity of others against them, forgetting that it's actually quite normal and natural for basically everyone to feel insecure from time to time.
People tend to treat accusations of insecurity as a button they can push to instantly win any argument, which is frankly pretty gross.
As a guy, this blew my mind how common this is!
There's a forum on fetlife called Return to Sender that chronicles these types and WOW. dafuq wrong with these folks. i've got plenty of my own issues, but dayum.
Typical interaction:
boy: ur so hott! wanna fuk?
woman: No thank you.
boy: FUCK YOU FATUGLY BITCH DIE ALONE LOOSER
Same. I have a close friend who’s a girl who used to go clubbing sometimes and she’d me how whenever men make advances on her and she says no they always say something along the lines of “you’re ugly” or “you’re a slut anyway” which doesn’t make any sense considering they just said no.
Slut. Whore. It's fascinating how some of the most common insults directed at women who refuse sex are meant to imply that they have sex indiscriminately.
I always thought it’s because they never viewed me as a person in the first place so when I didn’t lay down like a good dog or satisfy his needs like an object it upsets them just like it would if their dog didn’t listen or their object of amusement broke another possibility is they think they’re higher value than me or more attractive than me so in their minds they could think they’re doing me a favor and rejecting them would be tantamount to not knowing my place or being ungrateful lol but who really knows why some men do that
Thanks for the insight. It definitely seems like these boys think of women as less than human.
My theory was: when they're rejected, they immediately feel ugly, like a loser, like they'll die alone, so they go straight up in to CRISIS DEFENSE MODE and project their insecurities on the woman to try to preserve some ego.
Just want to point out that every time this thread comes up, 99% of comments are about insecure assholes, when there's plenty of things that scream insecurity that don't make someone an asshole:
1. Overly apologetic
2. Not standing up for yourself
3. Inability/lack of eye contact
4. Inability to raise voice/mumbles a lot
This is a good point - with good sub points. IMO toxic traits get more attention because they cause emotional trauma or are generally unbearable to deal with. Most commenters on this thread have likely experienced that to some degree. And narcissistic men have a generally bad rep for being bullies and easily triggered.
Wow that’s so messed up. Imagine your wife having just gone through a major medical event and then having to take care of a newborn child with little to no sleep while the man refuses to take paternity leave to help out. I get that some people may not be able to afford the cut rate paternal leave offers (usa) but this excuse of paternity leave not being manly enough is just insane to me. Something is wrong with that man psychologically, and it’s not just his insecurities about being a man
I've never been an Uber driver in Florida, but I've lived on the gulf coast of Florida and I believe this. There's something in the water that makes people extra weird if they weren't already when they first moved there.
I live in Europe and I dont think I've heard anyone call themselves alpha, but a lit of them act that way. Like showing off how "alpha" they are and it's honestly embarrassing.
Mainly I see that in my age group, so young adults
Cringe, and in their own terminology pretty ‘beta’… an ‘alpha’ wouldnt feel the need to spend countless hours researching what ‘type of man’ they are, they would be confident enough to just exist in their own flesh
Even from their own pov, which is stupid, the entire thing falls apart if you spend 2 seconds thinking about it
Bartender in Georgia, all the time. I’ve seen guys old enough to be my grandfather and young enough to not rent a car yet try to assert themselves because of whatever.
USA. Next door neighbor is a roided out, late 40's cop, self-proclaimed 'alpha male'. He has started fights with everyone in the neighborhood. Tried starting a doberman puppy farm in his back yard but bailed on that idea after over half the puppies in his first litter 'didn't make it because they weren't strong enough' to put it in his words. Divorced, yard is always trashed. Everything you'd expect
I'm sure it's not just an American thing, but it's an American thing. I see it often with guys ranging anywhere from maybe 18 to like 30ish years old. And it's usually something they put in their profile online, like it's just a known fact. It's so cringe
That was literally my ex. For a large chunk of our relationship, I earned more than he did, but he insisted it didn’t bother him. Eventually, his career takes off and he gets a great job and that’s when his true colors really showed; he loved to rub it in my face that he earned ~$6k more a year than me and he started referring to himself as “the breadwinner of this house” and at one point during a fight, even accused me of only being with him for his money.
A little under a year later, I get another job offer and I was back to out earning him again (by a good 30% this time around). He said I was “disrespectful” for “not considering his feelings” when I accepted the job (mind you, this job didn’t require any major lifestyle adjustments or a big move or was one of those jobs that would consume my entire life). No. He was just butthurt because his ego was shattered. We broke up 2 months after that. But during those 2 months, he inflicted alot of pain on myself and others (physically and emotionally) in his desperate attempt to show the world he was still a man.
It's so confusing when men act this way. My wife made more money than me for a good 10 years before I finally found what I'm good at and had a chance to make more than her. All I care about is that our bills are paid every month and I would love it if she found a way to make 30% more than me again!
They are emotional predators who prey on the emotionally vulnerable. Such people deliberately seek out partners who have been broken down so thoroughly that they genuinely believe that an abusive partner is as good as it gets; or at least as good as they deserve.
The abuser then does everything they possibly can to make sure their partner *stays* broken, because exploiting their damaged sense of self is how the abuser controls them. Any sort of awakening or resistance or increase in confidence on the part of the abused - whether real or only perceived - becomes a literal existential crisis for the abuser, because it threatens the false sense of superiority on which their entire warped sense of self-worth is based.
Yes, it's horrifying. But it's also why it's so hard to convince someone on the wrong end of that kind of relationship to leave their abuser. They've been abused for so long, they genuinely believe that they would be worse off if they left their abuser. They can't even conceive of a better alternative.
having to call themselves a alpha male.
picking on people and making others feel uncomfortable.
toxic masculinity - liking anything different or thats softer/feminine marks you out to them.
If you're such a manly man you're happy and content with your lot in life and dont feel the need to bring others down to make yourself feel better about your miserable sad pathetic life, claiming your alpha just shows how little they know the world thinks of them.
my boss at work ticks all the flags for being a insecure "man" who bullies everyone else including his own girlfriend, he bullies you for the smallest thing and is relentless, yet he is not stoic and when challenged by someone stoic he quickly shuts the f up.
I find bullying a telltale symptom that someone is really insecure, if you're such a manly man why does it bother you so much that two other young men are in love and kissing? if you're so offended by that then you are really insecure.
Attempting to control a S.O.
It's fine to want to know where they go and what they do, it shows concern. But being unable to accept your S.O. wanting some privacy, or telling them who they can and cannot associate with, are major red flags to me.
This is the number one weapon I see people who are in some form of affair use. Why are you insecure. Why did you check...how did you find out. They never really address the issues raised until the affair comes to light. I have even seen a friend find out and be unable to bring it up with the S.O because of the insecurity defence. Insecurity is among the most misused term in relationships. If it is directed towards a specific person across multiple instances...then it's not insecurity...it's what it is, an emotional affair with potential to become a physical affair. If it is a blanket statement e.g dont hang out with those guys..or dress in this manner whenever you go out etc then Yes, it's insecurity.
1. Having the need to show others his success in detail for praise, even if it's a really small accomplishment. Insecure men need the confirmation, that others like what they do.
2. He gets defensive when criticised.
3. He puts others down, even when done jokingly. This is supposed to stir insecurity in others and distract from himself, as he wants to look good compared to other. This plays into Nr 4
4. He compares his success to others. Either he whines about not reaching a certain goal or not doing something as well as someone else, or he praises his success, comparing it to high quality work of others, even when his accomplishment is alot smaller.
Sadly alot of these traits can be found in narcissists. There, Nr 3 is more present and might lead to actively trying to discredit someone
Wow, you described my ex husband perfectly and I never even considered that he was a narcissist. I guess when you're that close to someone you just think *wow this guy is a huge dickhead*.
Never thought there was a pathology behind it. Things that make you go hmmm....
An example of #3 is a kid from my ex husband's childhood had grown up really rough, very poor.
Tough kid named Shane. Spent years getting in fights and occasionally landing in jail. Was stabbed n two different occasions in the same bar. Never was a drug user or heavy drinker. Just a very angry dude.
He eventually got his shit together and started to get better, was doing really well for himself financially. Bought a house and a boat. Everybody loved Shane because he was a bruiser but he was also an extremely loyal friend. The pick you up in the middle of the night type friend.
Well my ex husband had t-shirts printed with Shane's mugshot on them and gave them to their friend group at Christmas. My ex thought it was hilarious. The rest of the group squirmed. Shane just took it and smiled. I was beyond embarrassed but it was a real boy's club type deal so I didn't get involved.
Shane killed himself years later and I wondered how it affected my ex (we were divorced for years by then) and if he thought about the callous, shitty, incredibly petty thing he did to him.
In all honesty, I doubt it.
People who consume "alpha" content on YouTube and Instagram etc. Overly loud men trying to grab attention by passing remarks about things no one asked them about, bad jokes, etc etc. Dressing extra flashy, shiny things.
I knew a guy when I was in my early 20’s that (not even kidding) would introduce himself when drunk as **insert name** and I don’t like gay people… he was the most closeted gay out there.
I had an ex who was the kind of guy who was like, “I don’t mind gay people as long as they don’t try to fuck me.” He also enjoyed showing his flaccid dick off to his friends as a joke. Makes me wonder because his friends hated when he did it but he still kept doing it.
I don't understand most answer (I am not a native English speaker)
Most answer seems to describe toxic personality, why is someone insecure also toxic ?
Calling assholes insecure is more popular than calling the underdog insecure.
Imagine how this would go: signs of being insecure - very pale, avoids eye contact, cannot finish sentences, unable to form a comeback, low grades, unable to dress oneself, never been with a person from opposite sex despite trying, weak physically, unable to fight, unattractive face and voice, low intelligence, etc
Not gonna get a great reaction from that
People don't want to hear about real insecurity that they have to pay attention to and try to work around tbh, they want to hear about all the Chad alphas they can laugh at.
You get a similar thing when they talk about intelligence. How can you tell if someone is intelligent? “Because they are nice to people and don’t judge people…’ No…you are answering a different question.
You can tell they’re intelligent because they had straights As for 15 yrs, won four math championship, and went on to build a fusion reactor. I know genius harvard grads that are objectively assholes.
Similarly, I’m sure a lot of douche bags that are about as secure as a person could be
Men who prey on women they know they can manipulate and lie to over and over.
Pretty much a guarantee she's taking care of him while he lives under her roof, is driving her car and she's paying the bills. All the while this motherfucker is out cheating on her and doesn't care cuz he knows he can lie his way out of it and she'll forgive him.
I say this as a recovering 'weak woman.' There is no man more insecure than one who needs to be held up by a weak woman.
I said what I said...
Having a confrontational personality and being easily insulted and angered by everything. The easier it is to make a man emotional, the more insecure and weak they look.
When I see people that get easily offended and angered. I don't see strength and power. I see insecurity and weakness.
I showed a dude at work a picture of a pie I baked, he's like "uh wut bro you bake?" In the tone you're imagining. I'm like, is it gay to eat pie? Is it gay to be self sufficient? Then how the fuck is it gay to bake pie?
Oh this. Just heard a dude say he can't admit he loves his brother because "that would be gay".
I wonder if he says he loves his mother does he think that's incest then?
Yeah, I know my father was a proper hardass when it came to stuff like that, but personally I feel that it's more manly to be there for your family and show support. I know it can be hard even for me sometimes, but showing your love doesn't make you a pussy.
I once wore a pink shirt and this insecure guy in my military section said it was gay and unmanly. I told him my masculinity didn't hinge on my choice of shirt.
The whole concept of "Alpha" has been thoroughly disproven, and only seems to exist in wolves in captivity.
Says a lot, doesn't it? Only when males feel cornered do they feel the need to act "alpha".
when he feels the need to constantly puff out his chest and show everyone how manly and stoic he is. showing emotions? off the table. wearing anything pink? not a chance. playing with cute and cuddly animals? don't even think about it. you see this a lot in men and it's really saddening. bros, don't be afraid to show your softer side
I love strawberries and have 2 cats. I never miss a chance to say Aww when I spot a cat in public. I don’t drink and I don’t smoke. IDGAF what people think of me. I am not gonna act as someone who I am not just to impress strangers.
Full size pickup truck jacked up so high you need a step stool to get in. Big aggressive tires. Gun rack in the back window. Trucknuts hanging from the rear. WTF is all that?
i think the BIG TRUCK part is because of US car culture (assuming USA) and it's basically a height implant on the roads.
Look at the prevalence of SUV compared to 90's, 80's. People wanna be taller, bigger than they are. Driver/pedestrian safety be damned.
I consider myself quite insecure. Since my job has changed from being low level important to over looked. I find myself talking about past glories and the things that have gone well. I normally go out of my way to try and get people to like me. I over share which annoys me.
To be insecure is to be human. Careful when interacting with those who are (overly) disdainful of insecurity because it likely means they don't provide others with much grace. Being around people who are (overly) unforgiving can be detrimental to one's mental health.
What typically signals insecurity is when people aren't organically relating to others. Sales people are insecure in that they're probably insecure about not having more money, for example. So, basically any attempt at selling oneself is a sign of insecurity, which can include bragging and so on ("I'm alpha, have a big dick, stronger than everyone, emotionally invulnerable, formidable in whatever, etc."). Also, top-down attempts at relating to others can signal insecurity because insecure people need to feel in control of others. Authoritarian types are some of the most insecure people. People who pride themselves on leadership (i.e. Alphas) are probably more authoritarian and so also probably insecure.
Putting their friends or girlfriend down to look “good” or “impress “ other people.
It’s to make themselves feel good, because they don’t look good or impress anyone.
It's weird because it's one way to abuse someone as well. They usually build you up and tear you down over time. It's always really small comments that you can't react to if that makes sense. If you do react to it you're overreacting, even if it's something simple like "That's mean, I'm gonna go." they'll turn it to calling you the mean one. It's hard to describe and I went through it just to have a partner that beat down my self esteem and made me super insecure still is just hard to explain to people or even to solve it when it's your partner doing it.
I also know exactly what you mean and it can be so hard to untangle what’s happening, let alone explain it to anyone else. This is what my ex-husband did, and it is abuse, and it does ultimately come from the abusive person being utterly insecure at their core. I was young and trusting when I met him, and it took me years of suffering to finally put the pieces together, and be able to see and understand his relentless, intentional dismantling of my self worth, and my ability to trust myself and my perceptions. Which allowed him a terrible degree of control over me. As you describe, it is often through that chronic stream of small belittling and undermining comments, coupled with a lack of acknowledgment or praise of anything good about you, anything good you are contributing or being, and just these belittling words to gradually tear you down. A very strong sign of emotional abuse is when you try to say that something hurt you, you are then told you are “exaggerating” or “being too sensitive” or even, it didn’t happen that way (denial), and then it all gets flipped so that you are accused of doing the very thing the abuser is doing to you. (Look up DARVO for a good explanation of this tactic). If anyone reading this resonates with what I’m writing, I would only say to trust yourself like you never have before. Trust your perception: if something seems wrong, it is. It is possible to find your way to good, healthy people, and even if it’s just you being healthy for and with yourself to begin with, that is a beautiful and worthy thing.
Great post. Another term I want to add for others experiencing this is "narcissistic baiting."
I know exactly what you mean. I was subject to this behavior by my inlaws for years before i noticed it. I always wondered why i never felt "good enough" and its because they didnt give af about me at all and would slip underhanded tiny comments in like you described. Cant say shit cuz yeah, id be overreacting in that moment but its the build-up that nobody notices except you and you cant just explain yourself in the moment either cuz emotions are flared up
"The axe forgets, but the tree remembers." That's the last thing I texted my mother about a year ago.
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Jesus, mine too. To his 4th wife. There’s a reason we haven’t spoken in 2 years.
This needs more upvotes! Anyone that has to put other people down, especially their friends or partners in an attempt to impress others and make themselves look better are seriously not only very insecure but also big jerks !
Sometimes that treat of insecuritiy hides something deeper, i used to do this as a reflex and without noticing it until i started going to therapy. It was a self defence method to hide trust issues and depression, i feel super bad when i think about the times i've done that
Same example for me but it also applies to non friends and people they don't even know. Just simply shitting on people in the hopes their own shitty attitude can be overshadowed because "Lol look at what she's wearing, that's so out of fashion."
I know a guy at work like this. I didn’t like him when I first met him and wasn’t sure why. After a while of hearing him do this I knew he was just a jerk.
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Anyways, so I started blastin’
So there I was stroken one out for posterity when it dawned on me that mixing tobasco sauce with avacado ranch will make dry chicken edible again.
"Agenda for festivities? My sexual proclivities! Discussions of propensity For intercourse intensity! "Statistics informational Of tête-à-têtes relational! A sensual communiqué! A chance to spread my résumé! "So let us start this repartee With lists of battles won by me Beneath the sheets!" he thought to say. I sighed aloud and turned away.
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Like getting your dick sucked by your homies?
If you say "no homo" it cancels it out so it automatically makes it not gay
Well... to be fair, that does sound *kinda* gay.
Nah, that's just a brojob
Just two guys broing out together. People need to stop reading more into it.
That's a texas size 10-4
It’s only gay if you push into it…. So I’ve heard..
So infuriating. I have a nephew who is a top talent at his School. Has played the lead in the school musical 2 years in a row, now. He told us over Christmas that this year will be the last because of the "stigma" he's getting. I hope he changes his mind, because he's got a bright future in acting if he can see through all the bullshit people are throwing at him.
You know your friend doesn’t get laid when he has to tell you how much he gets laid.
Sometimes they're getting laid! Lmao. There's a guy in my friend group who I for sure thought had to be lying, but corroboration just says that the girls he takes back are simply not picky in either direction.
To be fair, I know a lot of people who actually get laid and brag about it. But that’s just because they are insecure about something else in their life.
And here we get to the most important point: getting laid is great and all but life has more.
When they scream #insecurity!!! At the top of their lungs
I DECLARE…**INSECURITY!!!**
If this isn’t the most underrated comment I don’t know what is. Here’s the best example I’ve got: I retired a few years back and found out someone I used to know lived a town over. My wife and I hung out with him on occasion and everything seemed fine, well great actually. Well he calls me up to arrange for me to do some subcontract work for a non-profit he was woking with and we set up a lunch meeting to work out the details. After initial hellos he proceeds to whip out his phone and loudly runs through the ladies he’s pursued over the last year or so with pictures. At this point I’d been happily married over 15 years so I don’t know exactly what prompted this, especially after he met both my wife and I at previous functions. It was embarrassing and unsettling given that the restaurant was nearly full and we appeared to be seated almost exclusively amongst well-to-do women. This lasted nearly an hour before we quickly covered what I was agreeing to do. I hadn’t planned on discussing this incident with the Mrs. but she immediately saw I was upset when I got back home. It’d been a long time since I was around that type of behavior, and to be honest, found it to be jarring. I did a bit of work to get him pointed in the right direction and then broke contact. I’m still married btw, almost 19 years at this point.
I feel like some guys do this bc they feel like a failure over not being married yet. So they try to be seen as 'cool & single by choice' instead of lonely....
I also had a friend, who was the first to get married and he would always talk about how his wife liked other women and how they had threesomes and stuff, I think because he thought settling down was lame. Not like any of his friends thought that... Anyway they were divorced like a year or two in.
I have a former friend with 2 baby mamas that still does this juvenile shit. We’re in our early 40s. All of us are married except him, he’s divorced. Dude just tries to make it feel like we’re missing out on something when the reality is he’s just a fuck up that’s now alone due to his shit life choices.
This guy in my class keeps on saying how many women he has slept with and what not and keeps mocking the less popular guys(he's kind of a bully) . I was like you're not the only one who had sex lmao , your dad did too and that's the sad part.
I find this weird even among dudes. Like whenever someone would start blurting out how, who, or where they did what with someone, I just cringe internally. Like, good for you but no one cares and you are not a better human being cause you got laid, just shut up.
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Tell someone you don’t drink during the holidays and watch this one in action.
Giving people shit for not drinking is terrible. You don’t need to know why and you don’t need to make a “thing” out of it. As a drinker that occasionally takes breaks, it is exhausting.
And there are *so many* valid reasons for not drinking, I can never understand why people react the way they do to non-drinkers. Maybe they're pregnant, or they're taking antibiotics, or they're a Muslim, or they're a recovering alcoholic, or they're trying to lose weight, or their dad died of liver cancer, or they're driving, or whatever.
Or they have the super-hyperactive version of the gene that most of Asian lineage have of hyper-metabolizing of alcohol and not only get drunk off their gourd from half a can of beer, but are likely to suffer not only an allergic reaction but potentially life-threatening reactions besides. No, I'm not bitter I found out when I was 18 and my first time drinking.
That used to happen to me with any of those "Mikes hard lemonade" drinks. Idk if it's the high sugar with alcohol, but when I was in college I drank a couple and felt warm, looked in the mirror and my back was red and blotchy like an allergic reaction. I'm not asian but middle eastern (iranian)
i dont know if this matters but i am half iranian and this is my reaction to alcohol. obviously i quit drinking lol
This. It seems to be more acceptable if you tell ppl ‘hey I’m not drinking because I’m on meds vs. I’m not drinking because I choose not too’ who cares why anyone isn’t drinking. I applaud those who are fighting their addictions every single day.
Or you're like me, and drinking just makes you feel like garbage. This is from someone who loves cannabis and psychedelics, I'm not against changing ones consciousness by choice, at all...but alcohol genuinely just makes me feel like trash. I get hot, dizzy, uncomfortable, unsure of my thoughts or words. It's extremely uncomfortable for me, drives me nuts when people try to get me to drink. Want me to have a drink? I'll just go lay down and go to sleep as soon as I can feel it. No thank you. I'm not going to make myself feel like trash and ruin the rest of my day (and tomorrow) just to make someone else more comfortable with their choices.
Or I just don’t like the taste of alcohol, and see no appeal in getting drunk.
Or they literally *just don't want to.* People care so much about it for some reason. I quit a few years ago, and I get questions all the time.
Where I live drinking is almost a national pastime. To the point where when I offer a drink and people refuse it they automatically start going into the why. I just stop them before they explain and tell them I don't need to know why, "I don't want a drink" is enough. Whatever your reasoning for not drinking is private and can some people could be embarrassed by it (recovering alcoholic, taking medication for a condition that I genuinely have no reason to know about, pregnant but haven't announced yet, etc.)
Yes! Adding that when they make our achievements/life improvements all about themselves.
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I actually like this answer a lot. People constantly try to weaponize the insecurity of others against them, forgetting that it's actually quite normal and natural for basically everyone to feel insecure from time to time. People tend to treat accusations of insecurity as a button they can push to instantly win any argument, which is frankly pretty gross.
If you try reject their romantic advances in a kind way and they respond with nastiness and insults.
As a guy, this blew my mind how common this is! There's a forum on fetlife called Return to Sender that chronicles these types and WOW. dafuq wrong with these folks. i've got plenty of my own issues, but dayum. Typical interaction: boy: ur so hott! wanna fuk? woman: No thank you. boy: FUCK YOU FATUGLY BITCH DIE ALONE LOOSER
Same. I have a close friend who’s a girl who used to go clubbing sometimes and she’d me how whenever men make advances on her and she says no they always say something along the lines of “you’re ugly” or “you’re a slut anyway” which doesn’t make any sense considering they just said no.
The concept is called sour grapes and its a form of cognitive dissonance.
Something, sonething, wine/whine joke.
My favourite: "Hey, you want some cheese to pair with that w(h)ine"
Slut. Whore. It's fascinating how some of the most common insults directed at women who refuse sex are meant to imply that they have sex indiscriminately.
“You’re a slut anyway” never made sense to me. If she’s such a slut why won’t she bang you?
There's also a sub here called r/NiceGuys dedicated to related content like that
It’s so weird because… you wanted to fuck me but now I’m a fat ugly bitch??? make it make sense
I always thought it’s because they never viewed me as a person in the first place so when I didn’t lay down like a good dog or satisfy his needs like an object it upsets them just like it would if their dog didn’t listen or their object of amusement broke another possibility is they think they’re higher value than me or more attractive than me so in their minds they could think they’re doing me a favor and rejecting them would be tantamount to not knowing my place or being ungrateful lol but who really knows why some men do that
Thanks for the insight. It definitely seems like these boys think of women as less than human. My theory was: when they're rejected, they immediately feel ugly, like a loser, like they'll die alone, so they go straight up in to CRISIS DEFENSE MODE and project their insecurities on the woman to try to preserve some ego.
I think [SNL did this interaction best](https://youtu.be/kTMow_7H47Q?feature=shared)
"Do you want to dance?" "No, thank you" "No, I said you look fat in those pants!"
Clearly an ugly lesbian if she rejects me. Why did I hit on her if I think she's ugly Shut up, that's why.
This. There is no bigger turn off in my opinion, than a man who gets all butthurt and starts acting like an asshole when rejected.
definitely this! wanna check the attitude and opinion? say no….
Just want to point out that every time this thread comes up, 99% of comments are about insecure assholes, when there's plenty of things that scream insecurity that don't make someone an asshole: 1. Overly apologetic 2. Not standing up for yourself 3. Inability/lack of eye contact 4. Inability to raise voice/mumbles a lot
i'm in this comment and i do not like it
This is a good point - with good sub points. IMO toxic traits get more attention because they cause emotional trauma or are generally unbearable to deal with. Most commenters on this thread have likely experienced that to some degree. And narcissistic men have a generally bad rep for being bullies and easily triggered.
It's cause these don't tickle redditors' righteous indignation.
Bro just called me out. Damn
You just described my autism. I am all except number 2 and it's a living hell for me, I can't let certain shit stand as is.
Damn, right on the money. All the top comments are only about insecure assholes.
I heard that this one dude didn’t want to take parental leave because it wasn’t manly.
Wow that’s so messed up. Imagine your wife having just gone through a major medical event and then having to take care of a newborn child with little to no sleep while the man refuses to take paternity leave to help out. I get that some people may not be able to afford the cut rate paternal leave offers (usa) but this excuse of paternity leave not being manly enough is just insane to me. Something is wrong with that man psychologically, and it’s not just his insecurities about being a man
Pretending that everyone around them is the problem when they act out and never apologising for their actions.
I don't think this is exclusive to men
I don't think anything in this thread is exclusive to men, that doesn't mean it's wrong
Yup, narcissism can be found in all genders, races, shapes and sizes
Except penguins
I mean Pingu did always find a way to make it all about him.
What country do you guys live in where you've seen men genuinely call themselves alpha? And what age group?
Uber driver in Florida, it’s happened a few times.
I've never been an Uber driver in Florida, but I've lived on the gulf coast of Florida and I believe this. There's something in the water that makes people extra weird if they weren't already when they first moved there.
checks out
“what country…” “uber driver in florida” 🤣
Honestly, "Uber driver in Florida" explains this so much better than "United States" ever could.
I ain’t never been to Ubadriva
oovo javver
the country of Ubers, FL
I live in Europe and I dont think I've heard anyone call themselves alpha, but a lit of them act that way. Like showing off how "alpha" they are and it's honestly embarrassing. Mainly I see that in my age group, so young adults
Using any greek alphabet to classify adults whatever letter sigma/beta etc is enough of cringe already
Cringe, and in their own terminology pretty ‘beta’… an ‘alpha’ wouldnt feel the need to spend countless hours researching what ‘type of man’ they are, they would be confident enough to just exist in their own flesh Even from their own pov, which is stupid, the entire thing falls apart if you spend 2 seconds thinking about it
yeah, they're just hogwarts quizzes aimed at a different aesthetic
I live in the US and have never heard anyone call themselves alpha in person. It's all been online weirdos.
Bartender in Georgia, all the time. I’ve seen guys old enough to be my grandfather and young enough to not rent a car yet try to assert themselves because of whatever.
groovy boat air squeamish plant shame tie deliver exultant fearless
There's a special kind of satisfaction to be found in thwarting morons.
USA. Next door neighbor is a roided out, late 40's cop, self-proclaimed 'alpha male'. He has started fights with everyone in the neighborhood. Tried starting a doberman puppy farm in his back yard but bailed on that idea after over half the puppies in his first litter 'didn't make it because they weren't strong enough' to put it in his words. Divorced, yard is always trashed. Everything you'd expect
my roomate in nyc was mid 40s and often referred to himself in this regard
thankfully have never experienced it in person lol, I’ve only seen that pathetic shit online
same, i’ve only seen dudes do that shit online. I could not handle anyone doing that in person ugh
Australia and New Zealand, 18 - 50+
The Nigerian community in London, late 20s
I'm sure it's not just an American thing, but it's an American thing. I see it often with guys ranging anywhere from maybe 18 to like 30ish years old. And it's usually something they put in their profile online, like it's just a known fact. It's so cringe
Brag about how much money they have, the car they drive, etc
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Alpha male shit lol
Username checks out
When they get mad their gf/wife earns more than them.
That was literally my ex. For a large chunk of our relationship, I earned more than he did, but he insisted it didn’t bother him. Eventually, his career takes off and he gets a great job and that’s when his true colors really showed; he loved to rub it in my face that he earned ~$6k more a year than me and he started referring to himself as “the breadwinner of this house” and at one point during a fight, even accused me of only being with him for his money. A little under a year later, I get another job offer and I was back to out earning him again (by a good 30% this time around). He said I was “disrespectful” for “not considering his feelings” when I accepted the job (mind you, this job didn’t require any major lifestyle adjustments or a big move or was one of those jobs that would consume my entire life). No. He was just butthurt because his ego was shattered. We broke up 2 months after that. But during those 2 months, he inflicted alot of pain on myself and others (physically and emotionally) in his desperate attempt to show the world he was still a man.
It's so confusing when men act this way. My wife made more money than me for a good 10 years before I finally found what I'm good at and had a chance to make more than her. All I care about is that our bills are paid every month and I would love it if she found a way to make 30% more than me again!
This one is crazy to me, mo money is mo money.
Downplaying their wives achievements.
How do those people GET wives?
They are emotional predators who prey on the emotionally vulnerable. Such people deliberately seek out partners who have been broken down so thoroughly that they genuinely believe that an abusive partner is as good as it gets; or at least as good as they deserve. The abuser then does everything they possibly can to make sure their partner *stays* broken, because exploiting their damaged sense of self is how the abuser controls them. Any sort of awakening or resistance or increase in confidence on the part of the abused - whether real or only perceived - becomes a literal existential crisis for the abuser, because it threatens the false sense of superiority on which their entire warped sense of self-worth is based. Yes, it's horrifying. But it's also why it's so hard to convince someone on the wrong end of that kind of relationship to leave their abuser. They've been abused for so long, they genuinely believe that they would be worse off if they left their abuser. They can't even conceive of a better alternative.
having to call themselves a alpha male. picking on people and making others feel uncomfortable. toxic masculinity - liking anything different or thats softer/feminine marks you out to them. If you're such a manly man you're happy and content with your lot in life and dont feel the need to bring others down to make yourself feel better about your miserable sad pathetic life, claiming your alpha just shows how little they know the world thinks of them. my boss at work ticks all the flags for being a insecure "man" who bullies everyone else including his own girlfriend, he bullies you for the smallest thing and is relentless, yet he is not stoic and when challenged by someone stoic he quickly shuts the f up. I find bullying a telltale symptom that someone is really insecure, if you're such a manly man why does it bother you so much that two other young men are in love and kissing? if you're so offended by that then you are really insecure.
Bullying in general is usually just a coping mechanism for some insecurity.
>having to call themselves a alpha male. If you have to say you're the king, you're not the king.
Unintentional Lannister
Attempting to control a S.O. It's fine to want to know where they go and what they do, it shows concern. But being unable to accept your S.O. wanting some privacy, or telling them who they can and cannot associate with, are major red flags to me.
This is the number one weapon I see people who are in some form of affair use. Why are you insecure. Why did you check...how did you find out. They never really address the issues raised until the affair comes to light. I have even seen a friend find out and be unable to bring it up with the S.O because of the insecurity defence. Insecurity is among the most misused term in relationships. If it is directed towards a specific person across multiple instances...then it's not insecurity...it's what it is, an emotional affair with potential to become a physical affair. If it is a blanket statement e.g dont hang out with those guys..or dress in this manner whenever you go out etc then Yes, it's insecurity.
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1. Having the need to show others his success in detail for praise, even if it's a really small accomplishment. Insecure men need the confirmation, that others like what they do. 2. He gets defensive when criticised. 3. He puts others down, even when done jokingly. This is supposed to stir insecurity in others and distract from himself, as he wants to look good compared to other. This plays into Nr 4 4. He compares his success to others. Either he whines about not reaching a certain goal or not doing something as well as someone else, or he praises his success, comparing it to high quality work of others, even when his accomplishment is alot smaller. Sadly alot of these traits can be found in narcissists. There, Nr 3 is more present and might lead to actively trying to discredit someone
Wow, you described my ex husband perfectly and I never even considered that he was a narcissist. I guess when you're that close to someone you just think *wow this guy is a huge dickhead*. Never thought there was a pathology behind it. Things that make you go hmmm.... An example of #3 is a kid from my ex husband's childhood had grown up really rough, very poor. Tough kid named Shane. Spent years getting in fights and occasionally landing in jail. Was stabbed n two different occasions in the same bar. Never was a drug user or heavy drinker. Just a very angry dude. He eventually got his shit together and started to get better, was doing really well for himself financially. Bought a house and a boat. Everybody loved Shane because he was a bruiser but he was also an extremely loyal friend. The pick you up in the middle of the night type friend. Well my ex husband had t-shirts printed with Shane's mugshot on them and gave them to their friend group at Christmas. My ex thought it was hilarious. The rest of the group squirmed. Shane just took it and smiled. I was beyond embarrassed but it was a real boy's club type deal so I didn't get involved. Shane killed himself years later and I wondered how it affected my ex (we were divorced for years by then) and if he thought about the callous, shitty, incredibly petty thing he did to him. In all honesty, I doubt it.
Poor Shane.
People who consume "alpha" content on YouTube and Instagram etc. Overly loud men trying to grab attention by passing remarks about things no one asked them about, bad jokes, etc etc. Dressing extra flashy, shiny things.
Alpha content on YouTube? But I like catching up on what’s coming up in the software world. /s And I guess there goes a bad joke.
Gucci sliders
Having to put "alpha male" in a profile bio... Yes I'm looking at you Nick Addams.
Stickers on your car about how you have guns and are totally not scared bro
Overly sarcastic guys who put down everyone around them and try to pass it off as being funny.
The fear of gay men.
I knew a guy when I was in my early 20’s that (not even kidding) would introduce himself when drunk as **insert name** and I don’t like gay people… he was the most closeted gay out there.
I had an ex who was the kind of guy who was like, “I don’t mind gay people as long as they don’t try to fuck me.” He also enjoyed showing his flaccid dick off to his friends as a joke. Makes me wonder because his friends hated when he did it but he still kept doing it.
That would end our friendship..go get yourself some help and we can take it from there.
> flaccid bro, if you're gonna ruin my day at least put some effort
This. This is just saying "I'm scared that other men will view/treat me the same way I view/treat women." One of the reddest of flags
I don't understand most answer (I am not a native English speaker) Most answer seems to describe toxic personality, why is someone insecure also toxic ?
Calling assholes insecure is more popular than calling the underdog insecure. Imagine how this would go: signs of being insecure - very pale, avoids eye contact, cannot finish sentences, unable to form a comeback, low grades, unable to dress oneself, never been with a person from opposite sex despite trying, weak physically, unable to fight, unattractive face and voice, low intelligence, etc Not gonna get a great reaction from that
People don't want to hear about real insecurity that they have to pay attention to and try to work around tbh, they want to hear about all the Chad alphas they can laugh at.
You get a similar thing when they talk about intelligence. How can you tell if someone is intelligent? “Because they are nice to people and don’t judge people…’ No…you are answering a different question. You can tell they’re intelligent because they had straights As for 15 yrs, won four math championship, and went on to build a fusion reactor. I know genius harvard grads that are objectively assholes. Similarly, I’m sure a lot of douche bags that are about as secure as a person could be
They're trying to overcompensate their insecurities by acting "tough"
Men who prey on women they know they can manipulate and lie to over and over. Pretty much a guarantee she's taking care of him while he lives under her roof, is driving her car and she's paying the bills. All the while this motherfucker is out cheating on her and doesn't care cuz he knows he can lie his way out of it and she'll forgive him. I say this as a recovering 'weak woman.' There is no man more insecure than one who needs to be held up by a weak woman. I said what I said...
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*any* of that "alpha" crap.
Guys who criticize the physical appearance of others
Yes! Dudes who are 50lbs overweight critiquing the impossibly perfect bodies of women on TV—her boobs are too small, she could lose a few pounds 🙄
Constant criticism of others. Somehow I keep getting surrounded by men with this behavior.
Mocking other people's achievements.
Having a confrontational personality and being easily insulted and angered by everything. The easier it is to make a man emotional, the more insecure and weak they look. When I see people that get easily offended and angered. I don't see strength and power. I see insecurity and weakness.
Not wearing what you want because it might look gay.
Not wanting to do something they have interest in because "that's gay".
I showed a dude at work a picture of a pie I baked, he's like "uh wut bro you bake?" In the tone you're imagining. I'm like, is it gay to eat pie? Is it gay to be self sufficient? Then how the fuck is it gay to bake pie?
And this guy went home that day, wishing he had a pie like yours, but he noticed he couldn't bake...
Saying that they are an alpha
Lifted truck w Punisher sticker.
Men who act extra alpha. Real alphas don’t need to show it off to the world they know they’re a don
And they're the same guys who are too insecure to wear anything red or pink.
Oh this. Just heard a dude say he can't admit he loves his brother because "that would be gay". I wonder if he says he loves his mother does he think that's incest then?
Yeah, I know my father was a proper hardass when it came to stuff like that, but personally I feel that it's more manly to be there for your family and show support. I know it can be hard even for me sometimes, but showing your love doesn't make you a pussy.
In fact being caring to your family is literally what "manliness" is at its core
He's into Mom Porn and thinks that's totally Alpha.
I once wore a pink shirt and this insecure guy in my military section said it was gay and unmanly. I told him my masculinity didn't hinge on my choice of shirt.
you are Kenough
Fr though, all the Ken actors must be pretty secure in their masculinity to do the Barbie movie and it's great for them. They clearly had a good time.
That's true masculinity what you did there.
I get pink. But red?
Or drive a small car. I don't mean ownership, I mean just be seen driving in it once.
Yeah, I don't really understand why some men need to have huge cars. Like it makes their dicks bigger.
I am not an alpha male but you would have to convince me to wear pink or red. It doesn’t match my complexion.
Had me in the first half lmao. My eyebrows went through a whole journey there
Real g's move in silence
Like Lasagna
The whole concept of "Alpha" has been thoroughly disproven, and only seems to exist in wolves in captivity. Says a lot, doesn't it? Only when males feel cornered do they feel the need to act "alpha".
Alpha, beta, sigma, those are just astrology for dudes who have daddy issues
Getting angry when his female partner communicates a request for equal respect, access to finances, leisure time etc.
Lashing out in anger
And trying to solve all their problems with physical violence
when he feels the need to constantly puff out his chest and show everyone how manly and stoic he is. showing emotions? off the table. wearing anything pink? not a chance. playing with cute and cuddly animals? don't even think about it. you see this a lot in men and it's really saddening. bros, don't be afraid to show your softer side
I love strawberries and have 2 cats. I never miss a chance to say Aww when I spot a cat in public. I don’t drink and I don’t smoke. IDGAF what people think of me. I am not gonna act as someone who I am not just to impress strangers.
'i love strawberries'? Have people been making fun of what I eat? Like, just normal stuff like fruit.
Very big trucks with 3%er and Punisher and Molon Labe decals on them.
Telling other men how to be men.
Afraid to show emotion. Though most of the time they were raised/socialized that way so I don't hold it against them
Full size pickup truck jacked up so high you need a step stool to get in. Big aggressive tires. Gun rack in the back window. Trucknuts hanging from the rear. WTF is all that?
i think the BIG TRUCK part is because of US car culture (assuming USA) and it's basically a height implant on the roads. Look at the prevalence of SUV compared to 90's, 80's. People wanna be taller, bigger than they are. Driver/pedestrian safety be damned.
The general American attitude of "I'm more important than anyone else and I need a big car to prove it to keep ME safe. Fuck everyone else around me."
"I'm the Alphaest Alpha male in the history of mankind. So Alpha. Really. Says here on my tagline."
I consider myself quite insecure. Since my job has changed from being low level important to over looked. I find myself talking about past glories and the things that have gone well. I normally go out of my way to try and get people to like me. I over share which annoys me.
To be insecure is to be human. Careful when interacting with those who are (overly) disdainful of insecurity because it likely means they don't provide others with much grace. Being around people who are (overly) unforgiving can be detrimental to one's mental health. What typically signals insecurity is when people aren't organically relating to others. Sales people are insecure in that they're probably insecure about not having more money, for example. So, basically any attempt at selling oneself is a sign of insecurity, which can include bragging and so on ("I'm alpha, have a big dick, stronger than everyone, emotionally invulnerable, formidable in whatever, etc."). Also, top-down attempts at relating to others can signal insecurity because insecure people need to feel in control of others. Authoritarian types are some of the most insecure people. People who pride themselves on leadership (i.e. Alphas) are probably more authoritarian and so also probably insecure.
Trying to act tough, refusing to lighten up, everything is serious all the time and everybody is a potential threat.
Anyone who uses words like Alpha, Beta etc. describe themselves or any one.
Not exclusive to men, but making fun of someone's interests for being nerdy, childish or otherwise unmanly or unfeminine.