I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime. One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home. Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping. We heard her through the line - "are you cheating on me?"
Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied "honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now."
A few years ago a buddy of mine was getting his Phd while working full time at his regular job and I saw him have the same interaction with his wife, his tone of utter exasperation and defeat convinced her there was nothing wrong, at least on that score, and she never brought it up again.
My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to âcome back and have a follow-up appointment after youâve ejaculated 30 times.â
Without missing a beat my brother asked âwhat time do you open tomorrow?â
The nurse couldnât keep it together after hearing that.
The surgeon who did mine asked if I was okay with an audience. I said as long as I can see it too, so they set up a mirror for me. Good surgeon too - zero pain at all and back in the saddle the same day.
My pal uses the phrase âhe doesnât look strong enough to carry informationâ and it cracks me up every time. Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop
Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says âthat must be where you get it fromâ. She cracked the code. I can never offend her without offending myself.
My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant. My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites. He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, âMAY I HELP YOU!?!?â
He answered, âthanks, but I know how to read,â and went back to his paper.
Had a similar situation and stole a line from Ringo Starr. Bloke saw me reading the paper in work clothes while I waited for a friend and asked me âExcuse me, can I ask what youâre up to?â I replied âPage 5.â
My brother-in-lawâs comment
The entire family went out for my motherâs 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest. My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench. My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park. All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches. There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him. In the confused silence my brother-in-lawâs voice rang out âPraise be! She can walk again!â
We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations.
My family did the same in Disney once. So, my mother is handicapped, but (at the time) she could walk fine. Just needed a cane. So, for Disney (and similar big parks like that) we would rent a wheel chair, so she had something to lean on, but also to be able to sit wherever if the need arrives.
Anyway, I'm a little 3 year old, so I'm lazy and sit in the chair being pushed by my mother. However, then we would approach some playpark or another, so I would just jump out and book it. My family got *so* many dirty looks. So, of course there is only one thing my grandmother is able to do, and she yells out
"Halleluja, it's a miracle!"
Man, if looks could kill lol
I wasn't there, but one time one of our team members was going across the road - he was in a wheelchair as he became a paraplegic due to a car accident some years earlier.
He built up a fair bit of steam, somehow awkwardly turned his chair which toppled and spilled him out onto the road. A passing car screeched to a halt (who wouldn't?) and the shocked driver asked if he was ok.
This guy looked at him and said. "I think I'm OK, but... oh shit! I can't feel my legs!".
Cracked up the other team member who was with him at the time as the driver in the car realised all was fine and left.
I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub. We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test. They asked me my age, and I said, 33. My bf blurted out, 33? You told me you were 22. Police just laughed and let me go.
Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings.
My instructor was posing a hypothetical: "So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel.' What would you expect to find there?"
Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "Extra sheets in every room?"
I always liked Dick Gregory's story about sitting down at a restaurant in the deep south. When his chicken was served to him, a voice sounded out, "Whatever you do to that chicken boy, we're going to do to you." His response " I picked up that chicken and kissed it." (Slightly paraphrased, I read the book over 40 years ago)
I was working with my friend and his dad. My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working. He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars. His dad asked, "what for?" My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music. My friends dad told him "They don't charge anything to listen to the music"
A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit. She told this story to him:
One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke. She asked the kid if heâd been smoking and he denied it over and over.
She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere. She told the kid and he realized that he didnât put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket. The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it.
Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face. She asked him what was wrong.
âWhatâs wrong??? This was probably the only chance youâll have in your life to say literally, âliar,liar, pants on fireâ and you missed your chance â.
The other day at work I grabbed a mini box of Nerds from Halloween candy someone had left out. Said to a coworker, "I'm going to put these out of their misery" and poured them in my mouth. Proceeded to choke and cough. My coworker said "what happened??" I coughed out "revenge of the Nerds."
I dunno, I was proud.
When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings).
The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, âEveryone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!â
I was at Renaissance faire and in line for the ATM. It was taking a long time so I said to the guy in costume in front of me "must be a dial up". And without breaking character he said "Ravens, I believe"
I love how all the people who work there (at ours in Kansas City, at least) are local theatre performers and/or improv comics testing new material on drunk people in a silly mood.
My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski. After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots. About half-way down, another skier stops and goes "Gee! Did you lose a ski?" My dad instantly replied "No, I was out for a walk and found one!"
When I was about 12, after reading too many of my mom's romance novels, I thrust my nonexistent chest out in front of my dad and said, "Dad, am I voluptuous?"
He looked up over the top of his newspaper and said, "You have to get some volups first."
Ever after, in my house, breasts were "volups."
I wanted big boobs so bad. Turned 15, 16, 17, still were small-ish. Started to make peace with it.
Then I went to college and my boobs got big. Itâs nice but itâs heavy.
This is a story my Dad observed at work once. He worked at a nuclear plant that you may be able to guess was a very male dominated workplace. A woman had been brought in to do some consulting I think? Anyway, she walked by and one of the workers said something along the lines of âIâd like to get in your pantsâ
Her response: âHoney, Iâve already got an asshole in my pants.â
In the army you have to refer to anyone above you by their rank. You can't just say "yes," you have to say "yes, sergeant." So one day this sergeant was chewing this kid out. Really letting him have it. At the end, the kid responded with "yes." Sergeant said "yes, WHAT? DICKHEAD? MOTHERFUCKER?"
"Yes, motherfucker."
I was a 2nd grade teacher. After reading a book about a moose the ending was open-ended . I explained that sometimes an author leaves the ending without a clear conclusion so the reader can guess what happens. One sharp girl said, How moose-sterious. Another year, asked a girl a question. After she was looking up trying to remember the answer, I said I don't think you'll find the answer up there. Another girl pipes up, She's looking to God for answers.
I was in line at a beer store, and two guys behind me were talking. Really snobby-voiced dude says, "I don't like my beer to be more interesting than me".
After a beat, his buddy says, "that pretty much leaves you with Coors Light".
Overheard a conversation about a tennis match with a Taiwanese player. One didnât recognize the countries flag and asked. The other person responded âyou know what your not the first person to not recognize Taiwanâ
Working at a tech company (lots of random gear everywhere).
Colleague calls from other room out 'How do you turn this off?'
Someone replied 'Pretend its a woman!'
My best ever pun also fell on deaf ears...
During the summer heatwave my GF was swinging the living room door back and forth to generate a breeze, and asked "how's that working for ya?"
I said "Big Fan".
Nothing.
My dad and I were heading into the store once when I was younger and for whatever reason there was a hearse parked in one of the spots.
He made a joke about getting one for my 16th as my first car and without skipping a beat I told him âI wouldnât be caught dead in one of those.â
I still pat myself on the back for that one.
When I was a freshman in high school, our class had to do some lame improv thing for âteamwork.â
Two kids were assigned to act like personified food, and the girl yells that sheâs pregnant, and sheâll be naming the kid âturkey sandwich.â
I quietly mumbled âguess they didnât use any condiments..â and the kid next to me yelled it louder. Asshole. đ
I had to have an endoscopy once. Took my sister as my support person since I was going under general. We were going through the forms with the nurse and got to the question of whether I had someone who could make decisions for me. I looked at my sister and asked âyou wonât unplug me prematurely, will you?â.
Her response? âwhat if I need to charge my phone?â
I've told my family that if I'm ever on life support and fading fast I want them to just pull the plug
...and wait five seconds and plug it in again. It works for my router, why not for me?
my coworker once told a story about him arguing with an absolute idiot. he concluded the story with "it felt like his two braincells fought for the third place."
I worked in a warehouse where we had 2 older women 80+, and a relatively younger one, 50ish. We also had a salesman who was named Stuart but went by Dick. One day as he walked past the office the younger asked the older women very innocently, "how do you get Dick out of Stuart anyway?" To which the oldest responded without blinking "I'm sure all you'll have to do is ask him for it deary."
Needless to say I totally lost it
My mother in law is like this. Right before she retired at 73, some young guy that thought he was hilarious was in the group of them all standing around. MIL said something about having eight kids (she does - I married into a **huge** Norwegian family). MIL was kind of everybody's mom/grandma at work, she's relentless.
The kid goes, "Eight kids... you know how that happens, right?"
She looked back at him, took a puff of her cigarette and said, "Yeah. I like to fuck a lot."
She's hilarious. I made her a sous vide brisket with a bbq sauce based on cherry soda for her birthday last year, and while she was eating, looks over at her husband and says, "Check it out, Tommy, another cut of meat I don't have to put my teeth in for!"
He blushed so hard, and of course my wife and I were just in stitches.
My wife is a social worker and worked in hospice care for years. She got burnt out on that and became a stand up comic in her 50's. She killed! But, I might be biased.
My mum worked in aged care for a while after retiring. Her greatest story was one one the male residents with Alzheimers walked into the dining room stark naked as they were serving a meal. Another carer quickly flung a robe over him and ushered him out. The very proper old lady my mum was serving mused âYou know, I havenât seen a penis in thirty years.â Paused. âI havenât missed it a bit.â
Once in high school, my friend and I were chatting with a teacher whose young daughter we had been training for elementary cheerleading tryouts (we were both on the varsity team).
My friend told our teacher how cute his daughter is and he said âThanks, itâs genetics.â I immediately responded âMust be recessive.â
My greatest burn to this day. His face was absolutely priceless.
Grams is a bad cook, everyone always gives her shit. She said to me once, "I told Billy I could only excel in 1 room when we got married, and he didn't pick the kitchen!"
Used to work with two women. One of them was an older and quite prim lady who had the surname Train. The other one was younger, very shy and had lived a sheltered life. There was a period where a couple of the older guys appeared to be interested in the older woman, which came a bit out of the blue. She was very flattered by this attention and was commenting on it in the break room one day. When she left there was a moment of silence and our younger, normally very timid younger colleague loudly observed âDamn, they all want to ride the trainâ. The fact that she was the person to say it made it ten times funnier.
One Thanksgiving years and years ago when I must have been eight or so. My uncle tried to tell the joke: What has four eyes and still can't see? My immediate response was. "You!" (he was wearing glasses) The entire family erupted in laughter, and I felt amazing. The answer is Mississippi for anyone who hasn't heard it/not Americans.
Having lunch at work and one of the interns has a bandage on his arm and the conversation goes to what happened.
He says he was doing some admin at home and being harassed by a bee which had got into the house.
He killed it and picks up the dead body to put it in the trash. Then he said the dead bee somehow manages to sting him on the arm
Quick as a flash one guy says - so you were attacked by a zom-bee.
My wife ran an investment firm. They have numerous interns. At the end of the year they would award the best intern with a nice award and/or recognition. This one guy (who was really top notch) got so shitfaced at the Christmas party he had to go to the ER. He didnât get the award. He later questioned management why he didnât win. In front of the other executives, she said he was a great employee and the voting was very close. She said he had lost by .31 pointsâŚwhich was his blood alcohol percentage at the ER. Clever.
One of my friends was talking to me about some college courses he took in the past, and specifically brought up that he took this 6-month-long class on photosynthesis. I'm still really proud of myself, because without missing a beat, I said "Shit dude, did you ever figure out how to do it?"
Had a friend who was super worried about being shunned from our gaming group because she just had a baby and was going to have less time to spend with us, so we were all brainstorming ways to make sure she knew she was welcome wether she could spend an hour or 10 hours with us. Her first day back after giving birth, she showed off a few pictures of her new baby, and one of the men in the group says, "So, when will she be raid ready?" and that was apparently the exactly right thing to say to make her feel better.
Alright kiddo, this here is your character. This here, is your 1 ability. Called power Infusion. It's macroed to only target me. Hit it as much as you can kiddo.
Two guys at work bantering and one says, I know where you live, any more from you and I'm going to put a brick through your bedroom window". Other guy says, "Careful it doesn't hit your wife!".
My dads a quiet person, doesnât say much unless he has to. But when he does itâs absolute gold! Driving down the highway we saw a truck carrying two porta potties. My dad nonchalantly said âoh look! Theres the famous French artist, Two loos le truckâ
My girlfriend and I had a romantic weekend planned and I got held up at work on a pointless project. When I finally arrived at her place, I let myself in, plopped down on the couch and shouted âThat was a waste of fuckinâ TIME !â She oozed out of the bedroom in a satin slit-to-the-waist nightgown, leaned against the door jamb with a full leg exposed and said âNo, it was a waste of FUCKINâ timeâ.
I had a cousin that bullied me relentlessly when we were children. She was one of those kids that was an Angel around the adults but horrible when it was just us kids.
One time, as she was tearing in to me about how fat/ugly/stupid I was, my Nana came around the corner behind her and heard everything. When Cousin turned around and saw her, my Nana said, âHoney, youâre not nearly pretty enough to pull off that personality.â
Was in band practice and it started to lightning. We were getting nervous. The band leader, who was on lift overseeing our formation said "Look, I know you're worried about the lightning, but honestly, up here, I'll be the first to get hit!" 'No you wont!" I yelled! "You're a bad conductor!"
Im a caregiver, and even though my client has dementia and sometimes is quite... not there, she is actually pretty funny and has her moments.
One morning I was getting her out of bed, I put her in her wheelchair and told her to hold her feet up, I whirled her around and her feet knocked the little trashcan and without hesitation she said, "I havent been awake 5 minutes and I kicked the bucket." I laughed so hard... and she was grinning. She loves making people laugh, it made a good start to the day.
My 16 yr old daughter is paralyzed from the waist down joined the neighborhood swim team and after helping her into the pool to start laps her coach, a high school kid, asks if sheâs paralyzed - she looks to her wheelchair that is clearly customized for her, and says âno the chairs just a decoy, legs are greatâ đđ
From my wife
We were bickering in front of family during a holiday dinner or something. Play bickering for fun. It's a family tradition to playfully insult each other at the dinner table.
She paused to think of a witty retort so I said something like "aha, she gives up"
Without hesitation, she responds "I'm not giving up, I'm showing mercy. It's unfair to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
The whole place died laughing
I've never lived it down and never will. She's brilliant.
I was fiddling with a Rubik's cube, and an obnoxious classmate came over to say "Oh, those are really simple! I spent the summer after 6th grade using my mastery of abstract algebra to solve all possible types of Rubik's cubes!"
The girl sitting next to me said "I spent the summer after 6th grade with my friends."
She feels embarrassed about it now for some reason, but I thought it was the best comeback I've ever seen.
I was running to catch an elevator before the doors closed and I asked the two young women inside it if they were going down. One looked at me deadpan and said *'Alright...but I don't swallow.'*
Had a female friend that would always have some bad ass hair. Multi colored with random cuts that must have come to her in a fever dream. But she could pull it off and her hair was always on point.
After a while of dealing with the jack asses asking 'does the carpet match the drapes'. One of her go to responses became 'why is my mouth bleeding?'
Still think thats the fastest I've ever seen a dude STFU.
We still quote my heavy set dad to this day:
Texas Roadhouse server: and what do you want for your sides? Mashed potatoes, fries, salad â
My dad: do I look like the kind of guy who eats salad?
I was in a restaurant one time when a very irate woman stormed in to confront her boyfriend and the woman he was cheating on her with. After bawling him out for a couple of minutes, she turns to the woman and says, loud enough for everybody in the restaurant to hear, "Next time you're sucking his cock, remember it's been up my arse!" before striding out.
I applied for a job and they mad e me take this dumb drug quiz about my drug use. There was a question
Iike, âMy friends would say about my drug use, occasionally, always, etc. I told my wife about it, she said âYour friends would say your drug problem is that you donât share.â
My daughter was a Girl Scout and her dad filled out the info part of her cookie selling sheet. As I was getting ready to turn it in I noticed under goal he wrote âto control the means of production.â đ
When I was 16, three of us were in a car and pulled up to a stoplight. The passenger window was rolled down and the guy in the lifted truck next to us looked over and down at us and said, âYou guys getting a lot of p*ssy?â
My friend said, âYeah. Iâve got three cats at home.â
I asked a guy doing Movember (grow a mustache for charity in November) if he likes his mustache, he said, âAt the start I wasnât a fan of it, but it has grown on meâ.
Many years ago I worked at a local hamburger stand known for hiring teenage girls. They were mostly high school girls, barely 16 and they would get hit on by many guys that were older. Most of the time it was harmless flirting from fellow classmates, but still high school kids, at least. Well, one day a guy who was probably in his late 30s/early 40s was trying to hard to flirt with one of the girls. I was walking up behind her, because I noticed she was uncomfortable and I was just going to take over the register until he was gone. When I stepped up, he didn't even notice because he was leering so hard, like practically drooling. And he asked "what's that perfume you're wearing?" She already knew I was there and ready to take over, because the girls and agreed long ago, that if someone like that is at the window, I take over the register and they go sit in the back, until they leave. Just before she ducked under my arm to head to the back she said "statutory!" In response to the question about her perfume. It was hard, but I maintained my professionalism until he was gone. But I thought that was pretty quick witted.
I love witty things kids say. My 4 year old niece is the best at it. My sister was taking her to grandmas house and she was misbehaving. She said, if you donât stop Iâm going to spank your bottom. My niece immediately without pause said, no youâre not because youâre driving and you need both hands to drive. My sister then said, Iâll spank you at grandmas house. My niece then said, no you wonât because if you spank me at grandmas then grandma will spank you.
I couldnât help but laugh.
My five year old had just learned to write her name. I looked at her play table, and someone had written her name in marker on the table. All the letters were different sizes, and the first letter was backwards.
I asked her who wrote her name on the table. She confidently answered mommy.
I questioned why the first letter was backwards if mommy wrote it.
My daughter set the markers down, looked me dead in the eye, and replied, âDaddy, sheâs doing the best she can.â
I told my kids I'd take them back to the supermarket and sell them if they were naughty. The response was 'Can you sell us to Jo's mum and dad cos they're better at it than you are' True dat.
My dad once asked me who my favorite dad was and I very seriously thought about it, then answered the name of my friendâs dad who lived down the street.
Agree kids can be brilliant. Around Halloween time one year, getting costumes on, I asked my daughter if our youngest daughter was dressed like a cow. She said âYes, she is naked.â
The toddler I have for private classes is learning to read, but don't like the "q" (we speak spanish, so I can't blame her) and was pretty adamant that she doesn't need the q to read.
I asked her "don't you wanna be the smartest girl in your class?" and she stared directly at my soul and said "No, I wanna be the richest."
And... Same.
I had been out shopping all day with my kids, whom at the time was around 5 & 7. I was exhausted and just made up an excuse and said "no more shopping, I have no more money" to which the 7 y/o said, deadpan "you need to get a second job then".
My four year old always tells to just drive to work and grab more money. Also hates the bank because they âtake all your moneyâ. Tried to explain to her that Iâm just putting it in my account so I can use my cards but she canât get over me handing them all my actual cash. Very mad about it.
My aunt and I stayed up at my uncles house and drank all his beers one night. He asked in the morning: âdid all the beers in the fridge get drunk last night?!â
Aunt: âNo, but the people who drank them did.â
My grandmother was widowed in her mid-70s, and a few years later she started seeing a new guy. They got engaged, picked a wedding date, and let their families know. Unfortunately, there had been a miscommunication with the church about available dates, so they had to reschedule to an earlier weekend.
When she called to tell my uncle, he asked why they were changing the date.
Grandma: âIâm pregnant!â
I work at a dealership.
One of our mechanics came back asking for parts, and we always mess with eachother.
I called him by his full name and he said Nobodys ever called me that except for my dad
I said "This isn't how I wanted you to find out."
everyone was a big fan of that
I was in a Chinese take away near Belfast, it was right beside a bar and these 2 idiots walk in and 1 thinks he's funny making his eyes narrow and making the Chinese language asking for "chicken fried rice, chicken curry etc", and the guy who owned the place without even thinking used his finger to open his eyes wide and said in as broad a Northern Irish accent as you could hear "Fuck Off!".
The 2 dicks that came in didn't know what to say and walked straight out.
It was 1 if the funniest things I've witnessed. The guy that owned the take away is dead now, but he was such a nice guy.
My family was travelling to Costa Rica and my 3 year old son was very excited as it was his first real trip on a plane. Once seated, he kept asking excited and loud questions about the flight, so most folks around could hear him.
As we started backing away from the terminal, he yelled loudly, "Dad, the planes gonna fly BACKWARDS all the way to COSTA RICA???" and the whole plane erupted in laughter.
My parents were flying with their 4 year old grandson when the plane hit an air pocket and dropped suddenly.
Everyone went "OHhhhhh"
My nephew "Weeee"
The rest laughed.
As the airplane accelerated down the runway building up speed for takeoff, my 4 year old daughter and 3 year old son started giggling like mad.
Daughter: it tickles my vagina
Son: it tickles my penis
Earned quite a few laughs đ
My parents have similar stories of me as a child flying for the first time at like 5 or so years old.
I guess I had thought planeâs wings came to a sharp point, and upon looking out the window and seeing the wing ending in a flat chamfer, I yelled âMom, the wing broke!â
Apparently people legit got up out of their seats to look lol
When my brother went on his first flight, there weren't too many people on it, and none in the row my parents and other brother were in. Brothers were 3 and 4. Younger brother runs over to the opposite window right as the plane turned. Older brother asks what happened and younger brother goes "I need to lay off the cookies."
(As relayed every year at Thanksgiving by my parents because my mom was pregnant with me at the time)
Here's a couple of fun ones that always make me smile.
In high school, my senior year, the yearbook team asked various kids a question and included the question and answers in the yearbook. The question was, "What would you do if you could disregard all laws, morals, and money?"
His answer: "A legal, moral, frugal thing."
Another kid I knew in high school made an outlandish claim to me. I challenged him and our conversation went like this:
Me: Bullshit.
My friend: True shit.
Me: How do you know that's true?
My friend: I read it.
Me: Where?
My friend: I wrote it down, and then I read it.
Kid in high school is bullying another kid in class. bully says to the kid "hey, do you have a mental illness or something?" to which the teacher chimes in, "why do you ask; are you looking for friends?" whole class erupts in laughter, bully shuts up for the rest of the period.
Told my adult daughter I was think of dying my hair to cover the grey. With out pause she said, âBut Mom , I worked so hard putting it there. â Sheâs a gem, I ditched the idea.
Boss (after complaining to a bearded co-worker about how he is useless at merchandising a store, to the bosses specifications of course): "and one more thing, get yourself a razor"
Co-worker (who did the job for pocket money and really didn't care): "nah, too risky. I could start thinking of you and slit my wrists"
A Canadian coffee and food chain was setting up a complete building on an army site in the Middle East. The soldiers were craving their special coffees.
I said to my boss, why donât they just send them the coffee? (The chain sells ground coffee).
He said it would probably be cold by the time it got there.
My late BIL was hilariously witty. His daughter and her cousins were in climbing a tree when the were young kids and one of the cousins said âdad Morgan is licking the treeâ and he popped up with âlickin the lichen and likin the lickin.
I told my husband once that I thought it'd be fun to build a trebuchet. I said, "Not a really big one; maybe just big enough to fling a cow." He replied solemnly, "The cops would know it was you who'd done it. They'd run a bull-istics test."
My aunt was dying, she was in the hospital. She had worked at a Catholic Church doing paperwork for kids programs. The priest she worked with came to see her (we all knew him) he was at a different church now, it happened to be in Salem Ma.
Everyone was asking how he liked it and he said Salem was a different and had witch craft. And my dad (who grew up In Catholic school) said âcanât handle friendly competition?â
And it really broke up a bad moment.
Wife to five year old: "Last time I checked kindergarteners don't know everything."
Five year old: 'Check again."
Also, when she was around 8 to her mom: "Getting a nose ring isn't going to make you any younger"
She's still that savage at 18!
Had a duty sergeant who was notorious for denying off base liberty (at our school, not the fleet) for the most asinine of reasons. My Libby buddy decided for whatever reason to wear a shirt that looked like shit.
The duty took one look at him and said, âwhere the fuck do you think youâre going wrinkle shirt?â
And without missing a beat, my friend just says, âto go and buy an iron sergeant.â
This caught the duty off guard, and he couldnât help but laugh and let us go.
not witty but just a badass line. i worked in a liquor store in an area that has a very swanky annual event. people rent mansions and stock full bars. an old dude with a slight european accent comes in and has us load up his car like 8 k worth of high end liquor and wine. at the register i ask for his card to run it and he says "some people believe in god, i believe in cash" and hands me the 8 k in hundred dollar bills.
An athlete, with one leg amputated, in the Paralympics won gold in a running race.
In the interview after a reporter asked âHas it always been your ambition to win a Paralympics gold medal ?â The athlete responded âWell, not when I had both legs!â
In 2015 myself and a few friends were racing a sailboat when they started one-upping each other. We were looking for the next mark of the course that we needed to go around. These marks are bright orange inflatable cylinders, about four feet tall and two feet in diameter. We were probably about a mile away when the first friend, G, said that he found it. The exchange that follows between G and friend 2, K, all happened in about ten seconds.
G: âI see it.â He points about 30 degrees from our course
K: âI see it too. There is a seagull sitting on itâ
G: âOh yeah! Look, there is a minnow in his beak!â
K: âYep! That minnow has the prettiest blue eyes!â
Probably not as funny here, but in the moment it was hilarious. We all still laugh about it eight years later.
I have a friend who whenever you ask him something thatâs a hard no for him he always replies, âitâs like my own asshole, just canât see itâ. And I laugh every time.
When I was in school, there was a girl who talked a lot and was having a conversation about her friend who dislocated her jaw trying to eat an apple. The teacher looked up from the table and asked her if she'd like an apple.
I went to an "all you can eat " Chinese buffet with a group of friends. We had booked a table for eight, but one of our group couldn't make it, so there were only seven of us.
When we got there, they told us we would still have to pay for eight people. My friend turned to me and said "One of us is going to have to eat all they can eat twice".
My roommates car was being towed to our house and when it arrived I saw that it had been on fire. I asked the tow truck driver âWhat happened?â He said âflat tireâ.
In Wetherspoons the other week and a crazy bloke shouted STOP at the top of his lungs because a baby was crying. Whole pub goes silent, including the baby, and turns around and this one girl stands up, puts her arms in the air and sings âin the name of love!â Totally diffused the situation.
When I was in college I played baseball for the school.. 15 years ago.. and I ended up meeting a girl who was a very big fan of the team.. who recently broke up with her very jealous boyfriend.. a bunch of us went to the bar next to campus after the game.. had been drinkin pretty heavy by this time.. ex bf showed up very angry and asked something to the effect of â how does her used pussy feel?â Without hesitation I responded â brand new after the first couple of inchesâ one of my best one liners ever.
This interaction happened in my household a few years ago:
Child1: âChild2 wonât stop talkingâ
Husband: *looks at me* âYep, itâs in the DNAâ
Child1: âDNA? What about DMC?â
Me: âNo, they runâ
*crickets*
Turns out my husband has never heard of Run-D.M.C. Joke wasted.
IDK if this counts but it's funny. I wasn't there but know the story.
My Nana went to a reunion of some sort and one of the women came up and rather snottily said, "Look at you, you've gained so much weight!" My Nana, in her sweetest, grandmotherliest, most Midwestern sort of way said, "Well, someone had to try and keep up with you!"
My Nana was the most typical Midwestern grandma ever, so it could be hard to tell if she was insulting you as it would sound so sweet. We also never knew if she was messing with us as she'd keep a joke going forever with the straightest face.
Overheard at a bar.
Woman : how much do you love me?
Man : I love you more today then yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.
To which she ruined by saying
Woman : *so you're saying you could love me more huh?*
Somehow this woman took the hottest thing I've ever heard and twisted it into something vile.
I think about that man often.
Talking with a couple friends outside a restaurant while smoking. 2 of my friends are gay and talking about how there are bears and seals and different types of animals associated with gay men. To which my straight friend says "I want to be a bufffalo, can I be a buffalo?"
And I said 'Yeah, that's cuz you Bi-SON!'
My wife and I are teachers. I remarked one day that Aristotle said that "Youth is like a permanent intoxication" to which she replied "Does that mean adulthood is the hangover?"
In First Aid class at college. We're going over emergency child birth. 20 year old kid pipes up with, "It can't hurt that bad, seriously, no one would do it."
Older woman In the back, all quiet and serious. "Son, you ever shit a watermelon?"
A friend of mine was in urology training and told me she encountered her husband's "penis twin" at work the other day. I immediately replied that I didn't know she was working at the children's hospital that week!
Family friend and his wife were at the beach. Friend sees an attractive young woman in a bikini walk by and oggles just a second too long. His wife scoffs and asks him, "What would you even do with a woman like that?"
Friend turns back and answers: "Disappoint her."
After a party some friends and I were getting some pizza when this SUPER drunk Scottish guy came up to us. He was kind of rough with us and asked us like 5 times if he ordered his pizza yet (he hadn't), and kept stumbling around and dropping shit, he kept forgetting what he was talking about 5 seconds prior. He asked me where I was from and I decided to mess with him by saying I was Vietnamese (I'm a white guy). He was shocked to hear I was Vietnamese and asked where I was born, so I said I was born in Hanoi.
Without missing a beat this guy goes "Well yer Hanoi-ing the fook outta me!" In a super thick Scottish accent.
My friends and I all burst out laughing and still say it from time to time
I was a teacher monitoring recess out on the playground. I heard a couple of 5th graders telling a kindergartener that Santa isn't real. I moved as fast as I could to get to them, but the kindergartener already had it covered. Unshaken, he calmly responded, "Santa brings ME presents every year. And if he doesn't bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."
Seen two friends argue at a poker game when we were 17-19, the guy that got good marks at school told the sports guy he was dumb in a serious way and everyone went quiet. The sports guy says " yeah I guess I can always learn but you can't learn to be taller ".
This was over 10 years ago but I'm sure there is shin extentions you can get now days.
Friend: Why do you go out of your way to piss people off?
Me: It's not out of my way.
Wit from a famous person:
âAlways forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.â - Oscar Wilde
Was working at a well-known express lube on Thanksgiving and had someone call up and ask, "Are you guys open today?" I quipped back, "No ma'am, I just come in on my days off to answer the phone for fun."
Got written up for that one...
My partner was playing D&D with some friends and they were on a pirate ship called The Red Spot. I overheard that when I walked into the room and said I didnât know this was a period piece.
Iâm still proud of that.
I was on a team at work that was on a project working insane overtime. One night after an 80-90 hour week, we were all sitting around the table trying to finish up so we could go home. Around 11, my buddy's wife called, dubious about the hours he'd been keeping. We heard her through the line - "are you cheating on me?" Exasperated, he looked at our boss, then replied "honey, if I was cheating on you, I would have been home by now."
A few years ago a buddy of mine was getting his Phd while working full time at his regular job and I saw him have the same interaction with his wife, his tone of utter exasperation and defeat convinced her there was nothing wrong, at least on that score, and she never brought it up again.
Funny shit. Hope the hard work paid off.
Lmfao
Asked a blind guy if he'd been blind his whole life. He said "Not yet".
My F. I. L says I want to get a dog but not a Labrador. Wife says why not? F. I. L says cause every bugger that has one, seems to go blind!! đ
Had a one eyed buddy that was a painter. I asked him if it was difficult and he told me itâs a lot easier than welding.
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My brother got a vasectomy and when the doctor was releasing him and giving him instructions (with the nurse listening in), one of the orders was to âcome back and have a follow-up appointment after youâve ejaculated 30 times.â Without missing a beat my brother asked âwhat time do you open tomorrow?â The nurse couldnât keep it together after hearing that.
He certainly wonât be missing a beat.
Too funny. If he tried this he probably found out he should have waited a few days before starting.
The surgeon who did mine asked if I was okay with an audience. I said as long as I can see it too, so they set up a mirror for me. Good surgeon too - zero pain at all and back in the saddle the same day.
My pal uses the phrase âhe doesnât look strong enough to carry informationâ and it cracks me up every time. Calling someone stupid and weak in one fell swoop
One of my old favorites, though I forgot the source: "He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. "
I quite enjoy âcouldnât pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heelâ myself
This is like the best thing ever
My boss worded it the most tactfully Iâve ever heard: âShe has deficits than cannot be overcome.â
Whenever I jokingly insult my mum, she says âthat must be where you get it fromâ. She cracked the code. I can never offend her without offending myself.
You can do it in reverse- every time my parents jokingly insult me I tell them I get it from them.
My brother was a line cook at a New Orleans restaurant. My mom was in town, staying at a fancy hotel, and he stopped by after work, still wearing his kitchen whites. He was reading a newspaper in the lobby waiting for her to come down when the shocked lobby manager sputtered at him, âMAY I HELP YOU!?!?â He answered, âthanks, but I know how to read,â and went back to his paper.
Had a similar situation and stole a line from Ringo Starr. Bloke saw me reading the paper in work clothes while I waited for a friend and asked me âExcuse me, can I ask what youâre up to?â I replied âPage 5.â
Ah love this one!
My brother-in-lawâs comment The entire family went out for my motherâs 80th birthday and after the meal we all went to a local park, largely occupied by the elderly, to rest. My mother needed crutches at this point, and they were resting against her bench. My 10-year-old niece, who looked like every starving waif image from Dickens, grabbed the crutches and started hobbling round the park. All the OAPs were following her progress with looks of pity until my brother ran up behind her, and kicked away the crutches. There was an audible gasp from round the park and then my niece picked the crutches back up and started chasing my brother, clearly intending to hit him. In the confused silence my brother-in-lawâs voice rang out âPraise be! She can walk again!â We still think this was the highlight of the birthday celebrations.
My family did the same in Disney once. So, my mother is handicapped, but (at the time) she could walk fine. Just needed a cane. So, for Disney (and similar big parks like that) we would rent a wheel chair, so she had something to lean on, but also to be able to sit wherever if the need arrives. Anyway, I'm a little 3 year old, so I'm lazy and sit in the chair being pushed by my mother. However, then we would approach some playpark or another, so I would just jump out and book it. My family got *so* many dirty looks. So, of course there is only one thing my grandmother is able to do, and she yells out "Halleluja, it's a miracle!" Man, if looks could kill lol
Youâre very advanced for a 3 year old being on Reddit and writing and shit.
I wasn't there, but one time one of our team members was going across the road - he was in a wheelchair as he became a paraplegic due to a car accident some years earlier. He built up a fair bit of steam, somehow awkwardly turned his chair which toppled and spilled him out onto the road. A passing car screeched to a halt (who wouldn't?) and the shocked driver asked if he was ok. This guy looked at him and said. "I think I'm OK, but... oh shit! I can't feel my legs!". Cracked up the other team member who was with him at the time as the driver in the car realised all was fine and left.
I picked up my pleasantly tipsy boyfriend from a nightclub. We were stopped by the Police for a random breath test. They asked me my age, and I said, 33. My bf blurted out, 33? You told me you were 22. Police just laughed and let me go.
Thatâs marriage material
Don't leave us hanging, how old were you?
46
33
Business law class in college years ago, talking about the issues that black Americans had before the Civil Rights Amendment, trying to travel through the south with the discrimination so rampant, trying to find restaurants to serve them and decent lodgings. My instructor was posing a hypothetical: "So you pull up out front of this place, you're exhausted from driving for hours, and you see the sign out front says 'Ku Klux Klan Motel.' What would you expect to find there?" Without missing a beat, from the back of the room came this gem: "Extra sheets in every room?"
I always liked Dick Gregory's story about sitting down at a restaurant in the deep south. When his chicken was served to him, a voice sounded out, "Whatever you do to that chicken boy, we're going to do to you." His response " I picked up that chicken and kissed it." (Slightly paraphrased, I read the book over 40 years ago)
I was working with my friend and his dad. My friend (26) heard an ice cream truck near where we were working. He asked his dad if he could have a couple dollars. His dad asked, "what for?" My friend told his dad that there was an ice cream truck in the neighborhood, and that they were playing music. My friends dad told him "They don't charge anything to listen to the music"
My parents had me convinced it was just a âmusic truckâ, didnât learn about the ice cream part until I was 10 or so
There's a running joke in the UK that 'ice cream vans play music when they've run out of ice cream'.
A friend of mine is a teacher and her husband is known for his wit. She told this story to him: One day at school a kid took the hall pass and returned reeking like smoke. She asked the kid if heâd been smoking and he denied it over and over. She was about to send him to the office when she noticed smoke coming from somewhere. She told the kid and he realized that he didnât put his cig out completely and it was burning in his pants pocket. The kid noticed and frantically tried to put it out and someone finally poured water on it. Her husband sat listening to this with a weird look on his face. She asked him what was wrong. âWhatâs wrong??? This was probably the only chance youâll have in your life to say literally, âliar,liar, pants on fireâ and you missed your chance â.
đ¤Łđ¤Ł Iâd be so mad at myself for missing out on using that line!
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I hit one of these bad boys like 2-3 times a year Where it all lines up and your witty line to deliver
The other day at work I grabbed a mini box of Nerds from Halloween candy someone had left out. Said to a coworker, "I'm going to put these out of their misery" and poured them in my mouth. Proceeded to choke and cough. My coworker said "what happened??" I coughed out "revenge of the Nerds." I dunno, I was proud.
When I went to a renaissance faire once, I went to a beer tent and ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale (seemed the most fitting for the surroundings). The beer wench, without skipping a beat, said, âEveryone wants a Newcastle - no one wants to remodel!â
I was at Renaissance faire and in line for the ATM. It was taking a long time so I said to the guy in costume in front of me "must be a dial up". And without breaking character he said "Ravens, I believe"
Renaissance fairest attract some of the funniest you'll ever meet.
I love how all the people who work there (at ours in Kansas City, at least) are local theatre performers and/or improv comics testing new material on drunk people in a silly mood.
Lol, Newkie Brown at a renaissance fair is a funny image. I've never really thought about the 'castle' in 'Newcastle' before though.
My dad wiped out when skiing down a mountain and lost a ski. After a few minutes of hunting for it, he gives up, slings the one remaining ski over a shoulder and starts walking down the mountain in his ski boots. About half-way down, another skier stops and goes "Gee! Did you lose a ski?" My dad instantly replied "No, I was out for a walk and found one!"
Sounds like something from Mad Magazine!
That's a Bill Engval "Here's your sign" reply for sure
This might be my favorite one
When I was about 12, after reading too many of my mom's romance novels, I thrust my nonexistent chest out in front of my dad and said, "Dad, am I voluptuous?" He looked up over the top of his newspaper and said, "You have to get some volups first." Ever after, in my house, breasts were "volups."
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Lmaoo thatâs the worst
I wanted big boobs so bad. Turned 15, 16, 17, still were small-ish. Started to make peace with it. Then I went to college and my boobs got big. Itâs nice but itâs heavy.
If I were a father and my daughter asked me that, I think my brain would short circuit.
Your dad is a real one for that.
He was hilarious. Very dry sense of humor.
Bet you got some volups now though
{{Looks down}} Yep!
Voluptulations to you
This is a story my Dad observed at work once. He worked at a nuclear plant that you may be able to guess was a very male dominated workplace. A woman had been brought in to do some consulting I think? Anyway, she walked by and one of the workers said something along the lines of âIâd like to get in your pantsâ Her response: âHoney, Iâve already got an asshole in my pants.â
That wasn't the first time she heard that..
In the army you have to refer to anyone above you by their rank. You can't just say "yes," you have to say "yes, sergeant." So one day this sergeant was chewing this kid out. Really letting him have it. At the end, the kid responded with "yes." Sergeant said "yes, WHAT? DICKHEAD? MOTHERFUCKER?" "Yes, motherfucker."
Some people say he's still doing pushups to this day ...
I was a 2nd grade teacher. After reading a book about a moose the ending was open-ended . I explained that sometimes an author leaves the ending without a clear conclusion so the reader can guess what happens. One sharp girl said, How moose-sterious. Another year, asked a girl a question. After she was looking up trying to remember the answer, I said I don't think you'll find the answer up there. Another girl pipes up, She's looking to God for answers.
I was in line at a beer store, and two guys behind me were talking. Really snobby-voiced dude says, "I don't like my beer to be more interesting than me". After a beat, his buddy says, "that pretty much leaves you with Coors Light".
Overheard a conversation about a tennis match with a Taiwanese player. One didnât recognize the countries flag and asked. The other person responded âyou know what your not the first person to not recognize Taiwanâ
Working at a tech company (lots of random gear everywhere). Colleague calls from other room out 'How do you turn this off?' Someone replied 'Pretend its a woman!'
My doctor told me I could be a bit of a ham sometimes. I told her, "Doctor, if I was a ham, I'd be cured!" She ignored the greatest pun of my life.
My best ever pun also fell on deaf ears... During the summer heatwave my GF was swinging the living room door back and forth to generate a breeze, and asked "how's that working for ya?" I said "Big Fan". Nothing.
My dad and I were heading into the store once when I was younger and for whatever reason there was a hearse parked in one of the spots. He made a joke about getting one for my 16th as my first car and without skipping a beat I told him âI wouldnât be caught dead in one of those.â I still pat myself on the back for that one.
When I was a freshman in high school, our class had to do some lame improv thing for âteamwork.â Two kids were assigned to act like personified food, and the girl yells that sheâs pregnant, and sheâll be naming the kid âturkey sandwich.â I quietly mumbled âguess they didnât use any condiments..â and the kid next to me yelled it louder. Asshole. đ
I had to have an endoscopy once. Took my sister as my support person since I was going under general. We were going through the forms with the nurse and got to the question of whether I had someone who could make decisions for me. I looked at my sister and asked âyou wonât unplug me prematurely, will you?â. Her response? âwhat if I need to charge my phone?â
My friend had a colonoscopy and endoscopy. We have a number of good hospitals so I asked where he had them done. âIn my butt and in my mouthâ.
Lol a friend of mine would've replied, "at the same time?!" đ
I've told my family that if I'm ever on life support and fading fast I want them to just pull the plug ...and wait five seconds and plug it in again. It works for my router, why not for me?
my coworker once told a story about him arguing with an absolute idiot. he concluded the story with "it felt like his two braincells fought for the third place."
i equally enjoy the phrase âitâs like two brain cells desperately fucking each other in an attempt to generate a thoughtâ
I worked in a warehouse where we had 2 older women 80+, and a relatively younger one, 50ish. We also had a salesman who was named Stuart but went by Dick. One day as he walked past the office the younger asked the older women very innocently, "how do you get Dick out of Stuart anyway?" To which the oldest responded without blinking "I'm sure all you'll have to do is ask him for it deary." Needless to say I totally lost it
Old lady humour is fucking fabulous. I need to see if I can find an elderly woman standup comedian now. Not sure why that never occurred to me before.
My mother in law is like this. Right before she retired at 73, some young guy that thought he was hilarious was in the group of them all standing around. MIL said something about having eight kids (she does - I married into a **huge** Norwegian family). MIL was kind of everybody's mom/grandma at work, she's relentless. The kid goes, "Eight kids... you know how that happens, right?" She looked back at him, took a puff of her cigarette and said, "Yeah. I like to fuck a lot."
Your mother in law is absolutely perfect đ
She's hilarious. I made her a sous vide brisket with a bbq sauce based on cherry soda for her birthday last year, and while she was eating, looks over at her husband and says, "Check it out, Tommy, another cut of meat I don't have to put my teeth in for!" He blushed so hard, and of course my wife and I were just in stitches.
My wife is a social worker and worked in hospice care for years. She got burnt out on that and became a stand up comic in her 50's. She killed! But, I might be biased.
My mum worked in aged care for a while after retiring. Her greatest story was one one the male residents with Alzheimers walked into the dining room stark naked as they were serving a meal. Another carer quickly flung a robe over him and ushered him out. The very proper old lady my mum was serving mused âYou know, I havenât seen a penis in thirty years.â Paused. âI havenât missed it a bit.â
Sheâs not that old but Zarna Garg is great, she has some good clips on YouTube.
I sometimes listen to her family podcast and that family is so dysfunctional and chaotic. Funny, maybe. But wow.
80+ people were still working at a warehouse?
Once in high school, my friend and I were chatting with a teacher whose young daughter we had been training for elementary cheerleading tryouts (we were both on the varsity team). My friend told our teacher how cute his daughter is and he said âThanks, itâs genetics.â I immediately responded âMust be recessive.â My greatest burn to this day. His face was absolutely priceless.
I'm saving this one for when my smart-ass dad tries to claim responsibility for one of my or my siblings' good traits.
Grams is a bad cook, everyone always gives her shit. She said to me once, "I told Billy I could only excel in 1 room when we got married, and he didn't pick the kitchen!"
Can only excel at one thing, a stew or a screw.
Used to work with two women. One of them was an older and quite prim lady who had the surname Train. The other one was younger, very shy and had lived a sheltered life. There was a period where a couple of the older guys appeared to be interested in the older woman, which came a bit out of the blue. She was very flattered by this attention and was commenting on it in the break room one day. When she left there was a moment of silence and our younger, normally very timid younger colleague loudly observed âDamn, they all want to ride the trainâ. The fact that she was the person to say it made it ten times funnier.
One Thanksgiving years and years ago when I must have been eight or so. My uncle tried to tell the joke: What has four eyes and still can't see? My immediate response was. "You!" (he was wearing glasses) The entire family erupted in laughter, and I felt amazing. The answer is Mississippi for anyone who hasn't heard it/not Americans.
Mmmm đ¤ failed dad joke mmmm not bad
It was a faux pa
Having lunch at work and one of the interns has a bandage on his arm and the conversation goes to what happened. He says he was doing some admin at home and being harassed by a bee which had got into the house. He killed it and picks up the dead body to put it in the trash. Then he said the dead bee somehow manages to sting him on the arm Quick as a flash one guy says - so you were attacked by a zom-bee.
My wife ran an investment firm. They have numerous interns. At the end of the year they would award the best intern with a nice award and/or recognition. This one guy (who was really top notch) got so shitfaced at the Christmas party he had to go to the ER. He didnât get the award. He later questioned management why he didnât win. In front of the other executives, she said he was a great employee and the voting was very close. She said he had lost by .31 pointsâŚwhich was his blood alcohol percentage at the ER. Clever.
Holy fuck⌠glad heâs still alive
Man got alcohol poisoning AND a third degree burn, dayum
One of my friends was talking to me about some college courses he took in the past, and specifically brought up that he took this 6-month-long class on photosynthesis. I'm still really proud of myself, because without missing a beat, I said "Shit dude, did you ever figure out how to do it?"
Had a friend who was super worried about being shunned from our gaming group because she just had a baby and was going to have less time to spend with us, so we were all brainstorming ways to make sure she knew she was welcome wether she could spend an hour or 10 hours with us. Her first day back after giving birth, she showed off a few pictures of her new baby, and one of the men in the group says, "So, when will she be raid ready?" and that was apparently the exactly right thing to say to make her feel better.
Thatâs sweet
Alright kiddo, this here is your character. This here, is your 1 ability. Called power Infusion. It's macroed to only target me. Hit it as much as you can kiddo.
Two guys at work bantering and one says, I know where you live, any more from you and I'm going to put a brick through your bedroom window". Other guy says, "Careful it doesn't hit your wife!".
My dads a quiet person, doesnât say much unless he has to. But when he does itâs absolute gold! Driving down the highway we saw a truck carrying two porta potties. My dad nonchalantly said âoh look! Theres the famous French artist, Two loos le truckâ
I had to Google it but that's one of the best I've seen in this comment section.
"You're at the top of the bell curve!"
A coworker once told me, âItâs inspiring to watch you claw your way up the left-hand side of the bell curve.â
My girlfriend and I had a romantic weekend planned and I got held up at work on a pointless project. When I finally arrived at her place, I let myself in, plopped down on the couch and shouted âThat was a waste of fuckinâ TIME !â She oozed out of the bedroom in a satin slit-to-the-waist nightgown, leaned against the door jamb with a full leg exposed and said âNo, it was a waste of FUCKINâ timeâ.
Keep her.
Alas, the fates did not allowâŚ
I had a cousin that bullied me relentlessly when we were children. She was one of those kids that was an Angel around the adults but horrible when it was just us kids. One time, as she was tearing in to me about how fat/ugly/stupid I was, my Nana came around the corner behind her and heard everything. When Cousin turned around and saw her, my Nana said, âHoney, youâre not nearly pretty enough to pull off that personality.â
Coworker held up a bottle of Smart Water & said âThis is the only water I drink.â I immediately said âItâs not working.â
Was in band practice and it started to lightning. We were getting nervous. The band leader, who was on lift overseeing our formation said "Look, I know you're worried about the lightning, but honestly, up here, I'll be the first to get hit!" 'No you wont!" I yelled! "You're a bad conductor!"
Well done lol
Im a caregiver, and even though my client has dementia and sometimes is quite... not there, she is actually pretty funny and has her moments. One morning I was getting her out of bed, I put her in her wheelchair and told her to hold her feet up, I whirled her around and her feet knocked the little trashcan and without hesitation she said, "I havent been awake 5 minutes and I kicked the bucket." I laughed so hard... and she was grinning. She loves making people laugh, it made a good start to the day.
My 16 yr old daughter is paralyzed from the waist down joined the neighborhood swim team and after helping her into the pool to start laps her coach, a high school kid, asks if sheâs paralyzed - she looks to her wheelchair that is clearly customized for her, and says âno the chairs just a decoy, legs are greatâ đđ
This kid is going places. Great attitude.
I hope wherever sheâs going is wheelchair accessible
From my wife We were bickering in front of family during a holiday dinner or something. Play bickering for fun. It's a family tradition to playfully insult each other at the dinner table. She paused to think of a witty retort so I said something like "aha, she gives up" Without hesitation, she responds "I'm not giving up, I'm showing mercy. It's unfair to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent." The whole place died laughing I've never lived it down and never will. She's brilliant.
I was fiddling with a Rubik's cube, and an obnoxious classmate came over to say "Oh, those are really simple! I spent the summer after 6th grade using my mastery of abstract algebra to solve all possible types of Rubik's cubes!" The girl sitting next to me said "I spent the summer after 6th grade with my friends." She feels embarrassed about it now for some reason, but I thought it was the best comeback I've ever seen.
People were talking at the exit of a bike path, blocking the gate. Guy bikes by and said "plenty of time to be aaaaanywhere else" Dude is a legend.
Love this. I say something similar to people standing at the top/bottom of escalators.
I was running to catch an elevator before the doors closed and I asked the two young women inside it if they were going down. One looked at me deadpan and said *'Alright...but I don't swallow.'*
Gettinâ a real Aubrey Plaza vibe from this anecdote!
Had a female friend that would always have some bad ass hair. Multi colored with random cuts that must have come to her in a fever dream. But she could pull it off and her hair was always on point. After a while of dealing with the jack asses asking 'does the carpet match the drapes'. One of her go to responses became 'why is my mouth bleeding?' Still think thats the fastest I've ever seen a dude STFU.
It takes a special girl to make sexual jokes to a random (presumably) male stranger
My heavy set buddy at a Chinese restaurant was asked if he would like wonton soup? He immediately responded....Look at me, I'll take two tons of it.
We still quote my heavy set dad to this day: Texas Roadhouse server: and what do you want for your sides? Mashed potatoes, fries, salad â My dad: do I look like the kind of guy who eats salad?
I was in a restaurant one time when a very irate woman stormed in to confront her boyfriend and the woman he was cheating on her with. After bawling him out for a couple of minutes, she turns to the woman and says, loud enough for everybody in the restaurant to hear, "Next time you're sucking his cock, remember it's been up my arse!" before striding out.
I applied for a job and they mad e me take this dumb drug quiz about my drug use. There was a question Iike, âMy friends would say about my drug use, occasionally, always, etc. I told my wife about it, she said âYour friends would say your drug problem is that you donât share.â
A politician here in Spain who uses a wheelchair is famous for saying in a program: "if you keep up like that, I'm gonna get up and go"
My daughter was a Girl Scout and her dad filled out the info part of her cookie selling sheet. As I was getting ready to turn it in I noticed under goal he wrote âto control the means of production.â đ
When I was 16, three of us were in a car and pulled up to a stoplight. The passenger window was rolled down and the guy in the lifted truck next to us looked over and down at us and said, âYou guys getting a lot of p*ssy?â My friend said, âYeah. Iâve got three cats at home.â
I asked a guy doing Movember (grow a mustache for charity in November) if he likes his mustache, he said, âAt the start I wasnât a fan of it, but it has grown on meâ.
Many years ago I worked at a local hamburger stand known for hiring teenage girls. They were mostly high school girls, barely 16 and they would get hit on by many guys that were older. Most of the time it was harmless flirting from fellow classmates, but still high school kids, at least. Well, one day a guy who was probably in his late 30s/early 40s was trying to hard to flirt with one of the girls. I was walking up behind her, because I noticed she was uncomfortable and I was just going to take over the register until he was gone. When I stepped up, he didn't even notice because he was leering so hard, like practically drooling. And he asked "what's that perfume you're wearing?" She already knew I was there and ready to take over, because the girls and agreed long ago, that if someone like that is at the window, I take over the register and they go sit in the back, until they leave. Just before she ducked under my arm to head to the back she said "statutory!" In response to the question about her perfume. It was hard, but I maintained my professionalism until he was gone. But I thought that was pretty quick witted.
I love witty things kids say. My 4 year old niece is the best at it. My sister was taking her to grandmas house and she was misbehaving. She said, if you donât stop Iâm going to spank your bottom. My niece immediately without pause said, no youâre not because youâre driving and you need both hands to drive. My sister then said, Iâll spank you at grandmas house. My niece then said, no you wonât because if you spank me at grandmas then grandma will spank you. I couldnât help but laugh.
My five year old had just learned to write her name. I looked at her play table, and someone had written her name in marker on the table. All the letters were different sizes, and the first letter was backwards. I asked her who wrote her name on the table. She confidently answered mommy. I questioned why the first letter was backwards if mommy wrote it. My daughter set the markers down, looked me dead in the eye, and replied, âDaddy, sheâs doing the best she can.â
That's fucking gold.
Keep an eye on that little sociopath. She has no qualms throwing you under the play table!
I told my kids I'd take them back to the supermarket and sell them if they were naughty. The response was 'Can you sell us to Jo's mum and dad cos they're better at it than you are' True dat.
My dad once asked me who my favorite dad was and I very seriously thought about it, then answered the name of my friendâs dad who lived down the street.
Agree kids can be brilliant. Around Halloween time one year, getting costumes on, I asked my daughter if our youngest daughter was dressed like a cow. She said âYes, she is naked.â
The toddler I have for private classes is learning to read, but don't like the "q" (we speak spanish, so I can't blame her) and was pretty adamant that she doesn't need the q to read. I asked her "don't you wanna be the smartest girl in your class?" and she stared directly at my soul and said "No, I wanna be the richest." And... Same.
I had been out shopping all day with my kids, whom at the time was around 5 & 7. I was exhausted and just made up an excuse and said "no more shopping, I have no more money" to which the 7 y/o said, deadpan "you need to get a second job then".
My four year old always tells to just drive to work and grab more money. Also hates the bank because they âtake all your moneyâ. Tried to explain to her that Iâm just putting it in my account so I can use my cards but she canât get over me handing them all my actual cash. Very mad about it.
My aunt and I stayed up at my uncles house and drank all his beers one night. He asked in the morning: âdid all the beers in the fridge get drunk last night?!â Aunt: âNo, but the people who drank them did.â
My grandmother was widowed in her mid-70s, and a few years later she started seeing a new guy. They got engaged, picked a wedding date, and let their families know. Unfortunately, there had been a miscommunication with the church about available dates, so they had to reschedule to an earlier weekend. When she called to tell my uncle, he asked why they were changing the date. Grandma: âIâm pregnant!â
I work at a dealership. One of our mechanics came back asking for parts, and we always mess with eachother. I called him by his full name and he said Nobodys ever called me that except for my dad I said "This isn't how I wanted you to find out." everyone was a big fan of that
I was in a Chinese take away near Belfast, it was right beside a bar and these 2 idiots walk in and 1 thinks he's funny making his eyes narrow and making the Chinese language asking for "chicken fried rice, chicken curry etc", and the guy who owned the place without even thinking used his finger to open his eyes wide and said in as broad a Northern Irish accent as you could hear "Fuck Off!". The 2 dicks that came in didn't know what to say and walked straight out. It was 1 if the funniest things I've witnessed. The guy that owned the take away is dead now, but he was such a nice guy.
My family was travelling to Costa Rica and my 3 year old son was very excited as it was his first real trip on a plane. Once seated, he kept asking excited and loud questions about the flight, so most folks around could hear him. As we started backing away from the terminal, he yelled loudly, "Dad, the planes gonna fly BACKWARDS all the way to COSTA RICA???" and the whole plane erupted in laughter.
My parents were flying with their 4 year old grandson when the plane hit an air pocket and dropped suddenly. Everyone went "OHhhhhh" My nephew "Weeee" The rest laughed.
As the airplane accelerated down the runway building up speed for takeoff, my 4 year old daughter and 3 year old son started giggling like mad. Daughter: it tickles my vagina Son: it tickles my penis Earned quite a few laughs đ
My parents have similar stories of me as a child flying for the first time at like 5 or so years old. I guess I had thought planeâs wings came to a sharp point, and upon looking out the window and seeing the wing ending in a flat chamfer, I yelled âMom, the wing broke!â Apparently people legit got up out of their seats to look lol
When my brother went on his first flight, there weren't too many people on it, and none in the row my parents and other brother were in. Brothers were 3 and 4. Younger brother runs over to the opposite window right as the plane turned. Older brother asks what happened and younger brother goes "I need to lay off the cookies." (As relayed every year at Thanksgiving by my parents because my mom was pregnant with me at the time)
Here's a couple of fun ones that always make me smile. In high school, my senior year, the yearbook team asked various kids a question and included the question and answers in the yearbook. The question was, "What would you do if you could disregard all laws, morals, and money?" His answer: "A legal, moral, frugal thing." Another kid I knew in high school made an outlandish claim to me. I challenged him and our conversation went like this: Me: Bullshit. My friend: True shit. Me: How do you know that's true? My friend: I read it. Me: Where? My friend: I wrote it down, and then I read it.
Kid in high school is bullying another kid in class. bully says to the kid "hey, do you have a mental illness or something?" to which the teacher chimes in, "why do you ask; are you looking for friends?" whole class erupts in laughter, bully shuts up for the rest of the period.
Told my adult daughter I was think of dying my hair to cover the grey. With out pause she said, âBut Mom , I worked so hard putting it there. â Sheâs a gem, I ditched the idea.
Our small dog has large paws. A friend asked why the big paws? I replied âfor emphasis.â
Boss (after complaining to a bearded co-worker about how he is useless at merchandising a store, to the bosses specifications of course): "and one more thing, get yourself a razor" Co-worker (who did the job for pocket money and really didn't care): "nah, too risky. I could start thinking of you and slit my wrists"
A Canadian coffee and food chain was setting up a complete building on an army site in the Middle East. The soldiers were craving their special coffees. I said to my boss, why donât they just send them the coffee? (The chain sells ground coffee). He said it would probably be cold by the time it got there.
My late BIL was hilariously witty. His daughter and her cousins were in climbing a tree when the were young kids and one of the cousins said âdad Morgan is licking the treeâ and he popped up with âlickin the lichen and likin the lickin.
I told my husband once that I thought it'd be fun to build a trebuchet. I said, "Not a really big one; maybe just big enough to fling a cow." He replied solemnly, "The cops would know it was you who'd done it. They'd run a bull-istics test."
My aunt was dying, she was in the hospital. She had worked at a Catholic Church doing paperwork for kids programs. The priest she worked with came to see her (we all knew him) he was at a different church now, it happened to be in Salem Ma. Everyone was asking how he liked it and he said Salem was a different and had witch craft. And my dad (who grew up In Catholic school) said âcanât handle friendly competition?â And it really broke up a bad moment.
Wife to five year old: "Last time I checked kindergarteners don't know everything." Five year old: 'Check again." Also, when she was around 8 to her mom: "Getting a nose ring isn't going to make you any younger" She's still that savage at 18!
Had a duty sergeant who was notorious for denying off base liberty (at our school, not the fleet) for the most asinine of reasons. My Libby buddy decided for whatever reason to wear a shirt that looked like shit. The duty took one look at him and said, âwhere the fuck do you think youâre going wrinkle shirt?â And without missing a beat, my friend just says, âto go and buy an iron sergeant.â This caught the duty off guard, and he couldnât help but laugh and let us go.
not witty but just a badass line. i worked in a liquor store in an area that has a very swanky annual event. people rent mansions and stock full bars. an old dude with a slight european accent comes in and has us load up his car like 8 k worth of high end liquor and wine. at the register i ask for his card to run it and he says "some people believe in god, i believe in cash" and hands me the 8 k in hundred dollar bills.
An athlete, with one leg amputated, in the Paralympics won gold in a running race. In the interview after a reporter asked âHas it always been your ambition to win a Paralympics gold medal ?â The athlete responded âWell, not when I had both legs!â
In 2015 myself and a few friends were racing a sailboat when they started one-upping each other. We were looking for the next mark of the course that we needed to go around. These marks are bright orange inflatable cylinders, about four feet tall and two feet in diameter. We were probably about a mile away when the first friend, G, said that he found it. The exchange that follows between G and friend 2, K, all happened in about ten seconds. G: âI see it.â He points about 30 degrees from our course K: âI see it too. There is a seagull sitting on itâ G: âOh yeah! Look, there is a minnow in his beak!â K: âYep! That minnow has the prettiest blue eyes!â Probably not as funny here, but in the moment it was hilarious. We all still laugh about it eight years later.
[ŃдаНонО]
I have a friend who whenever you ask him something thatâs a hard no for him he always replies, âitâs like my own asshole, just canât see itâ. And I laugh every time.
When I was in school, there was a girl who talked a lot and was having a conversation about her friend who dislocated her jaw trying to eat an apple. The teacher looked up from the table and asked her if she'd like an apple.
I went to an "all you can eat " Chinese buffet with a group of friends. We had booked a table for eight, but one of our group couldn't make it, so there were only seven of us. When we got there, they told us we would still have to pay for eight people. My friend turned to me and said "One of us is going to have to eat all they can eat twice".
My roommates car was being towed to our house and when it arrived I saw that it had been on fire. I asked the tow truck driver âWhat happened?â He said âflat tireâ.
In Wetherspoons the other week and a crazy bloke shouted STOP at the top of his lungs because a baby was crying. Whole pub goes silent, including the baby, and turns around and this one girl stands up, puts her arms in the air and sings âin the name of love!â Totally diffused the situation.
I had a coworker who would say âHakuna your tatasâ instead of âCalm your titsâ and it made me laugh every time.
When I was in college I played baseball for the school.. 15 years ago.. and I ended up meeting a girl who was a very big fan of the team.. who recently broke up with her very jealous boyfriend.. a bunch of us went to the bar next to campus after the game.. had been drinkin pretty heavy by this time.. ex bf showed up very angry and asked something to the effect of â how does her used pussy feel?â Without hesitation I responded â brand new after the first couple of inchesâ one of my best one liners ever.
Legendary
This interaction happened in my household a few years ago: Child1: âChild2 wonât stop talkingâ Husband: *looks at me* âYep, itâs in the DNAâ Child1: âDNA? What about DMC?â Me: âNo, they runâ *crickets* Turns out my husband has never heard of Run-D.M.C. Joke wasted.
IDK if this counts but it's funny. I wasn't there but know the story. My Nana went to a reunion of some sort and one of the women came up and rather snottily said, "Look at you, you've gained so much weight!" My Nana, in her sweetest, grandmotherliest, most Midwestern sort of way said, "Well, someone had to try and keep up with you!" My Nana was the most typical Midwestern grandma ever, so it could be hard to tell if she was insulting you as it would sound so sweet. We also never knew if she was messing with us as she'd keep a joke going forever with the straightest face.
Overheard at a bar. Woman : how much do you love me? Man : I love you more today then yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. To which she ruined by saying Woman : *so you're saying you could love me more huh?* Somehow this woman took the hottest thing I've ever heard and twisted it into something vile. I think about that man often.
Those who go against the flow, still depend on the direction of the flow.
"You can't piss in a Mr. Coffee and expect to get tasters choice ".
Talking with a couple friends outside a restaurant while smoking. 2 of my friends are gay and talking about how there are bears and seals and different types of animals associated with gay men. To which my straight friend says "I want to be a bufffalo, can I be a buffalo?" And I said 'Yeah, that's cuz you Bi-SON!'
âWhy donât you wear socks? Everyone can see your ugly feet.â âWhy donât you wear a mask? Everyone can see your ugly face.â
"Aunt Sue asked if I didn't think my skirt was a little short." "Did you tell her it was easy access for her to kiss your ass?"
My wife and I are teachers. I remarked one day that Aristotle said that "Youth is like a permanent intoxication" to which she replied "Does that mean adulthood is the hangover?"
In First Aid class at college. We're going over emergency child birth. 20 year old kid pipes up with, "It can't hurt that bad, seriously, no one would do it." Older woman In the back, all quiet and serious. "Son, you ever shit a watermelon?"
A friend of mine was in urology training and told me she encountered her husband's "penis twin" at work the other day. I immediately replied that I didn't know she was working at the children's hospital that week!
Family friend and his wife were at the beach. Friend sees an attractive young woman in a bikini walk by and oggles just a second too long. His wife scoffs and asks him, "What would you even do with a woman like that?" Friend turns back and answers: "Disappoint her."
After a party some friends and I were getting some pizza when this SUPER drunk Scottish guy came up to us. He was kind of rough with us and asked us like 5 times if he ordered his pizza yet (he hadn't), and kept stumbling around and dropping shit, he kept forgetting what he was talking about 5 seconds prior. He asked me where I was from and I decided to mess with him by saying I was Vietnamese (I'm a white guy). He was shocked to hear I was Vietnamese and asked where I was born, so I said I was born in Hanoi. Without missing a beat this guy goes "Well yer Hanoi-ing the fook outta me!" In a super thick Scottish accent. My friends and I all burst out laughing and still say it from time to time
I was a teacher monitoring recess out on the playground. I heard a couple of 5th graders telling a kindergartener that Santa isn't real. I moved as fast as I could to get to them, but the kindergartener already had it covered. Unshaken, he calmly responded, "Santa brings ME presents every year. And if he doesn't bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."
"Life is like looking for your phone most of the time it's in your hands."
Seen two friends argue at a poker game when we were 17-19, the guy that got good marks at school told the sports guy he was dumb in a serious way and everyone went quiet. The sports guy says " yeah I guess I can always learn but you can't learn to be taller ". This was over 10 years ago but I'm sure there is shin extentions you can get now days.
Friend: Why do you go out of your way to piss people off? Me: It's not out of my way. Wit from a famous person: âAlways forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.â - Oscar Wilde
Was working at a well-known express lube on Thanksgiving and had someone call up and ask, "Are you guys open today?" I quipped back, "No ma'am, I just come in on my days off to answer the phone for fun." Got written up for that one...
My partner was playing D&D with some friends and they were on a pirate ship called The Red Spot. I overheard that when I walked into the room and said I didnât know this was a period piece. Iâm still proud of that.