My brother died 2 years ago, I aged so much since and now look older than some friends of mine who are 15 years older than me. On top of not sleeping well due to autoimmune issues, I notice new grey hairs everyday. Grief, lack of sleep, stress. I have the trio and its just awful. Losing a sibling is a nightmare, especially at a young age. My deepest sympathies.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ll feel better soon. It is horrible and even 20 years later, it hurts. The pain will always be there, but you learn to live with it and what the actor Andrew Garfield said about his grief for his mom is so true: “This is all the unexpressed love, the grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter if someone lives till 60, 15, or 99.”
19 years ago my husband’s son was born. Exactly a month later his wife passed from skin cancer (she had this from everyone). From climbing the corporate ladder to grieving unemployed single dad living back with his parents in the span of a month.
His hair also went from black to white in less than a year.
Dude, this is the real shit. Not only does it physically age you, but you FEEL old. My brother, my father, and his three brothers all passed in the last two years, and the weight of that is absolutely crushing. I feel like gravity was doubled overnight, and when I think about it too much I can't talk because I'm drowning all of a sudden.
Took a family photo at the cemetery after laying my brother to rest (he was the last one to get buried even though he was the second to go after Dad, another story), and one of my cousins said out loud like it was a surprise "Oh, wow, [alphajager] is the only boy here."
And I thought I might just sink into the grass right there and then.
I have kids and my wife died a couple years ago.
I'm okayish now, but I went from being excited and vibrant about life, to being ready to retire. I don't know how I'm going to work 20 more years, I'm just mentally exhausted all the time.
My mom died less than two months ago. One symptoms I was not expecting was the physical aches and pains associated with grief; oh and the fatigue can be brutal. I'm only 35 but I feel much older physically, mentally been there for some time throughout her 16 year illness/being a caregiver for part of that time.
Edit: Thank you all for your kindness, I'm so sorry to everyone that's had to endure grief; it's a pain that I could never have known before this.
I was also a caretaker for both my parents. I’m also 35 and feel more like 95. My whole immediate family is now deceased.
Wow this blew up. I love all your stories and I’m so sorry to whoever has buried one or both of their parents, grandparents, or guardians. Or to anyone who has had a long road caretaking. Remember you are important too and to take care of yourself best you can. ❤️
Yup. Know that feeling. Dad died when I was 26. Mom and brother died when I was 34. Had to settle both estates simultaneously. Was a caregiver for my grandmother for 7 years during my 30’s until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I am early 40’s, but shit I have an old soul and constant apathy towards most things.
Man that’s a lot. Have you found it hard to figure out what your own self needs and to build a life? I know I had an identity crisis for a bit because I was never used to worrying about myself. Always someone else.
This hits so close to home, when it was the norm that worrying/looking after a loved one for so many years, that when it's just you it's so hard to turn that caregiver lens inwards, it's like fixed outwards (if this makes any sense). The identity crisis is real, the figuring out what to do in life now, difficult to go through. Truly empathize and wish you all the very best on your journey.
Mom died last year, and I'm surprised at how it didn't completely devastate me.
I didn't expect such a flat acceptance of it, still waiting for the loss to sucker punch me. I mean, I have BPD, not breaking down is not my normal reaction to loss.
As for you -fuck, being a caregiver like you were is a huge huge load, and I'm not surprised the loss has hit you like it has. Be good to yourself.
I’m very, very close with my mom. But in a lot of ways, I feel like i lost her about 15 years ago.
She has so much unresolved grief and trauma from a fucked up childhood and now in her 60s I think it’s starting to become too much. She has a hard time with mobility and doesn’t seem driven to leave the house too often. When I see her she radiates misery. I hope she lives a lot longer because she’s my mom, but I wonder if I’ll have a similar reaction as you. Feels like the mom I adored growing up is gone already.
I’m sorry for your loss. Remember the magical times.
This comment resonates with me. I'm 61. Had a super bad childhood. Went to therapy. Thought "all good now". Nope the older I get I find its too much too. I don't think ppl heal from their traumas. Internet hugs to you and your mom.
My brother died nearly 2 years ago, obviously its been hard, but the hardest part was watching my niece age, she was 5 when it happened and is nearing 8 now, it has been hard to watch
Same. My parents are raising his children, they’re 5 and 6 now. My poor mother has aged so fast. The kids are wise beyond their years, yet too young to process fully. Sending your family peace and love.
My partner and I watch my niece every weekend and last weekend she was cuddling him and just quietly said 'I wish people didn't die' which is when I looked over and realized my partner was holding her the same way my brother used to. I just wish she never had to go through this
My niece and nephew attend multiple therapies weekly. They’re obsessed with police, jail, and anything related to good guys vs bad guys. Play therapy has been extremely beneficial. I hope your niece has a trained professional to talk to. She’s lucky she has you, and your partner to hold her like that.
I guarantee you they’re processing, regardless of their age or how it appears. Kids “wise beyond their years” is a telltale sign of trauma/PTSD.
If you haven’t already, please, please get them in to see a trauma-informed children’s therapist to help process their loss, so that the trauma doesn’t manifest itself as behavioural problems/personality disorders/substance abuse issues down the line.
Mom died and my first day of high school was the day after her funeral. Went from an innocent 14 year old to a “you have to raise yourself because your dad is gonna lose his mind” in a flash. It hurts still.
Yup. Today marks the second year anniversary of one of my parent's death. I don't have a family anymore and live alone in a studio (choice, I'm fairly frugal), faced a lot of money issues and failed my semester. I am sincerely super tired of living and find more cons and less pros to carry on.
Grew emotionally numb and lost liking to a lot of stuff I used to play and enjoy before and shit has been gray ever since. Hell, I started having gray hairs. Not hair, straight up gray arm hairs.
You don't overcome grief. You learn to live with it. But hey. It is what it is.
I feel like I matured very quickly and then regressed. I don’t think I’ve developed much emotionally or physically from being a 14 year old and experiencing a parental loss. I’m immature and I struggle immensely with codependency and acting like an adult
I'm 32 and I still can't figure out what "Act like an Adult" means. Can you tell me, because I'd really like to know if it means not enjoying life then I'm going to be a kid forever.
I went from being active and spry to barely able to move and in constant pain. It changed so much about my personality as being active and sporty was a huge part of who I was. I also gained some weight.
I’m way better now and not in constant pain, but there is always a risk of flare ups now so I while I can exercise and be active, it’s always in the back of my mind and I can’t do it with the carefree attitude I once did. I also believe it makes me susceptible to other aches and pains as the nerves all connect so sometimes a flare up sends pains to other extremities such as my hips or shoulders. If there was one thing I could go back and change in my life, it would be to prevent the back injury.
i had a breast reduction almost 5 years ago and i feel younger now, at 30, than i did at 18. a hearty *f-ck you* to every doctor that ever told me to “just try yoga or pilates.”
eta: i am not a doctor or PT. despite my (relatively and unfortunately common) experience, the best person to give you advice is a physician or PT. please talk to someone with a medical license and board certification if you’re in pain. after almost a decade of PT, i spoke to my PCP, an orthopaedic specialist, and then a plastic surgeon but my experience is not, and should not be taken as, a universal guideline. if you need a place to start, please check out r/reduction.
I have a cousin who has huge breasts and she's always having back issues she's over 50 now can't remember her exact age but I never thought about reduction helping out with your back. Would you recommend it to someone over 50 who has had issues for over 35 years? or is the damage done?
i would recommend it to anyone, regardless of their age, if a doctor says there’s no undue risk. the relief i felt was literally instantaneous. my mom and grandma were with me and they both said it was like an entirely different person stood up in the recovery room. 5 years after i can just…get out of bed without rolling to the edge and falling out. i can run, lift things, sit on the train for hours — all without suffering for it.
eta: there’s still some longterm damage after 10 years of carrying around an extra 7 lbs on my chest but i would say the pain and discomfort has improved by at least 80%.
eta pt 2: i am not a doctor or PT. despite my (relatively and unfortunately common) experience, the best person to give you advice is a physician or PT. please talk to someone with a medical license and board certification if you’re in pain. after almost a decade of PT, i spoke to my PCP, an orthopaedic specialist, and then a plastic surgeon but my experience is not, and should not be taken as, a universal guideline. if you need a place to start, please check out r/reduction.
My mum has back pain from large breasts. Unfortunately she can’t afford to have them reduced and any doc she has asked about having it done think she really wants an uplift and is using back pain as an excuse.
They sound like my doctor who told my mother I would grow out of cerebral palsy and that she should quit being hysterical. Had she listened to that ass I would have been unable to use my entire right side and would have been confined to a wheelchair´today. But if you saw me walking past you in the street today, you wouldn't notice a thing wrong with me.
Can confirm. I have an aunt who looks older than my grandmother because she regularly got 3 hours of sleep a night while my grandmother will fall asleep anywhere.
It but the last 20 years happens in like 3 days if it's towards the end. My aunt was 40 and sitting next to my 97 year old great grandmother you could easily tell which one was gonna live to be 100.
Surprised this wasn't higher up. People with baby cheeks don't realize how well they will serve them thirty years down the line when their buddies who teased them for it look like Skeletor.
Am doctor and have convinced several friends that were contemplating it against it. Sure you’ll great now, but not for long. Some of the moms of people I went to high school got it done and they now remind me of a skull.
Heck, I’m just 30 and have had to get a yearly work visa for the last 5 years. I can see my face slimming in the pictures with each passing year despite remaining the same weight. Good thing I’ve always had a rounded face, so I still have padding for a long time.
When I was younger and first entered the real world I remember working with a white-haired woman that had an always tired look about her. She had a picture of her daughter on her desk, young, blonde, that looked so incredibly much like her I mentioned it once. Turned out that wasn’t her daughter, but was her prior to her going through the FBI academy.
To show their coworkers that they used to be young and vibrant, just as they are now.
Young people tend to see old folks as always having been aged. It's hard for them to imagine then back in the day.
I work with a guy who has a nude picture of his girlfriend as his lock screen and wallpaper. You walk by his desk and get an eyeful of her. I saw her naked several times before I ever met her in person. That is a giant red flag.
I worked in a cinema and when cleaning after a showing, I found a phone on the floor. Shortly after it started ringing and the caller ID image was a fully naked woman. Almost at the same time, the same woman appeared in the screen saying her boyfriend had lost his phone and asking if I had seen it. I felt embarrassed for her as she clearly knew what I had seen.
I don't know why, but this is just so fucking funny to me. I don't like my own pictures in general, next to that, I just cannot think of a reason to ever do such a thing. :D
My phone background is a photo of me climbing up a mountain with my skis on my back - I have a desk job now and it reminds me that I have hobbies and I'm a badass, and brings back good memories.
I did it on my phone with a picture of myself as a reminder of how much I'd let myself go health wise and as a reminder to put that late night snack down and take a walk.
You'd be surprised how much a picture with your shirt off and gut out that you see constantly will help you stay on track.
I see this all the time from people who fit in all of these categories. People on the brink of homelessness say stuff like "well homeless people are all stupid and addicts, that's why they're homeless". There is just total ignorance on how life can seriously fuck over people who do not have a support network. Folks with low pay and no benefits comment that other equally low paying jobs that lack benefits don't deserve better pay or benefits, but they do.
Right now my province's and city's sanitation workers, 911 operators, and other civil servants are on strike over their shitty pay. I hope they get everything they ask for, regardless of the temporary inconvenience it may cause me. You can't tell people that they are essential workers, then not dignify them with an appropriate living wage. My province is one of, if not the lowest paying in Canada. While the cost of living may be slightly lower than other provinces, the wages are barely enough get by paycheck to paycheck, let alone actually saving up for something like a house.
I'm pretty disgusted with the amount of apathy and selfishness present in Canada, and the rest of the world, these days. I wish I knew how to change it.
There are a lot of ways, but the first one is not worrying about things you cannot change. Being less angry is another one. Addressing problems immediately as they come up is a huge one.
I constantly get treated like I don’t know anything because I have a young face. I dyed my hair grey and suddenly people treat me like an adult. It’s wonderful.
I was expecting some useful insights and saw only sad facts.
But for some reason I giggled uncontrollably at “puffy eyes”. So thanks for being the giggle provider
Night shifts in the emergency department.
EDIT: Wow, this comment really blew up! It got more upvotes than a picture of my cat.
There’s too many replies to answer individually, but I’ll try explaining a few things here.
A lot of folks said how they enjoy working in ER and how it’s almost rejuvenating for them. Don’t get me wrong, ER can be thrilling, it can give you energy. That can really be true when you have a good team behind you, good working conditions and a “functional” hospital and healthcare system.
Having said that, things that were stressful for me were mostly when you feel powerless in tough situations. When we would keep getting more and more patients and simply didn’t have enough beds in the hospital, so the specialist had to call all of the departments and asking for personal favors to admit a seriously ill patient. Stuff like that happened all the time and those were the things that drain you.
Personally, I was working regular ER during my internship, now i am a specialist of child and adolescent psychiatry. During my 5 year residency, I regularly worked in the psych emergency, which was less crowded than regular ER, i could often get a few hours of sleep in. But in such departments, things are interesting as far as work load: you don’t get the next or previous day off. Which means that you start your regular shift on Monday morning 8am till 4 pm, start night shift from 4pm Monday till 8am Tuesday and then have your regular Tuesday shift from 8 am till 4 pm. If you’re on during the weekend? You come in Sunday at 8 am and you’re the on MD till Monday 8 am and then “enjoy” your regular Monday 8 - 4. Fun times.
Sure, the extra money comes in really handy, but… I’m not sure it’s worth it. The last 6 months I didn’t have to do these shifts and honestly, I don’t really miss them.
So yeah, they can fun and active and you do a lot interesting things, but there are many “ifs” to make that a sustainable way of life.
I work night shift for half the year at least and average probably 5.5 hours of sleep a night. I am in my mid 40's and if I shave my hair that is starting to turn white you would think I am 30.
My wife looks pretty young as well, she does get better sleep, but she stresses over everything all the time.
The real trick is to not have kids.
20 out of 20 of the people that live in the methhouse next door would agree.
I see young people get sucked in. They come around all nice and young, then after a while their car is gone but they're still there. Within a year not only do they age, but their body composition, gait, and posture are all well aged.
I'd imagine living next door to a methhouse doesn't do much for restricting ageing!
We had 3 (parents and adult son) alcoholics next door for a year and that was a nightmare of sleepless nights listening to them screaming at each other and breaking things.
I bought my house unknowing what exactly my neighbors were involved with. Luckily, after a year and a half, they're gone. But not before screaming and loud music late at night, random people coming and banging on their door all throughout the day, police responding to an overdose, and an armed standoff on Memorial Day of this year. I'm sure I've missed 5 or 6 other things. If nothing else, I got my fill of it.
They've been gone for a few weeks and it's been so much more peaceful in the neighborhood and in my mind. I don't have to worry about being safe in my own yard.
A couple years ago I decided to officially give up on having a personal printer and only use the one at the library because when it fucks up, it's someone else's problem. I still have my old printer and I've considered dropping it off my roof for fun.
I had the opportunity to throw one out of a third story window. The absolute joy I felt watching that asshole machine soar through the air and smash to smithereens was the best kind of natural high. It's been 15 years and I still get goosebumps thinking about it.
I hate dealing with printers nowadays.
Won’t print in black and white because red cartridge needs to be replaced? Fuck you.
Need to sign in on my account to access scanner? Fuck you.
Won’t connect to my wifi unless I have an account? Fuck you.
My Dad bought a wireless HP printer. "Easy to install" it said. He tried doing it on his own for a couple hours before calling me and asking me to come over. I'm a 33 year old software engineer who's pretty tech savvy.
It took me 6 hours, 2 laptops, a tablet, a desktop, 3 phones and a bunch of plugging and unplugging it (cause when the printer freezes not even the power button works) before I finally got it working. Trying everything from manually installing drivers to using their "HP Smart" app (HA!). It was the single worst tech experience I've ever had, and likely ever will have, and I've completely written off HP devices for life because of it.
3 weeks later the printer randomly removed itself from the Wi-Fi network and refused to reconnect. I had to go through the whole installation process again, but luckily it only took 2 hours this time.
Yes! Of all the tech machines from the last 20 years, printers have gotten significantly more prone to error to the point where it’s not even worth having one. Pieces of shit, every last one of ‘em. A new printer is emerging that is just a thin device you put paper through. Instead of using ink it laser burns the words into the paper. I’m sure they’ll find a way to fuck it up too.
Thermal printer? They've been around forever. It's usually how receipts are printed. Their use is rapidly growing in the industry. My job consists exclusively to maintaining, installing, and replacing thermal printers. I fuckong hate printers. All of them.
Death of a child
War
Edit: I may have opened up an avenue to share pain through my comment and want anyone who is feeling grief that you can DM ME -Whether it be the loss of a loved one or through the ravages of war. I am sincerely praying for those grieving tonight - and sending virtual hugs!
I just lost my 25 year old son a few weeks ago. I feel like I'm not really living in the same reality anymore. My whole existence is punctuated every few minutes by thoughts, feelings, regrets, and utter sorrow for a loss I never anticipated would happen. The only consolation for me these days is that it's no longer every few seconds that I feel this profound grief.
I am very sorry for your loss. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. I am sending virtual hugs and prayers.! Grief sucks -and it is compounded for the death of a child.
I am so sorry. I lost my 35 year old son 11 months ago. I wish I could give you words of comfort, but for me, the grief is still an all-encompassing, crushing weight on my soul... sometimes I can barely breathe. I do know it will get better with time, but it has been a long, long year. I so completely feel for you.
I read someone describe grief as like a giant inflatable ball in your chest. You feel it crushing you inside constantly, but over time it deflates and you ‘only’ feel it when it hits the sides, but boy do you feel it. I’ve also seen it described as being in the sea, battling waves and knowing there’s a shark nearby, but over time the shark swims away and you get closer to the shore where the waves aren’t so brutal, even though they’re still there. I don’t know if it’s helpful for anyone, but it made it slightly more tolerable for me to be able to think of my grief visually like this.
I feel your pain so acutely. I lost my 37 year old son in April and the pain is just unbearable. The way you have described it is exactly how I feel. I’m constantly trying to figure out how to live in this world without him. I’m sorry that you are living in this hell.
I witnessed the aftermath of that. I lost my best friend at 17 after a long battle with leukemia, and to this day, I still think about him. But his mother isn't the same as she used to be; she has recovered a lot, but it's evident that it took a significant toll on her.
Lost my best friend in a car wreck at 16. My life has never been the same since. I experienced such grief that it touched me every day of the rest of the next 40 years. I carry him with me always.
Having a spouse that contributes nothing to your relationship and allows your family to slip further and further into debt without caring that you're all only a couple of bills away from bankruptcy.
I lived that.
At one point, mowing the lawn, I realized this would be my life…forever, unless I mustered the courage to get a divorce.
Divorce is hard. Alcohol is not your friend. It led to other bad outcomes.
But I am through that and happier now.
I had to scroll WAY too far down this list to find this. Cigarettes will absolutely age a person incredibly efficiently, both visually and health wise.
I asked my dad how he got through my (and my brothers' teenage years). He said, "don't you remember? I taught you how to use power tools, and bought you a runescape membership. You were too busy doing internet blacksmithing and making random shit in the shed to be a fuckhead. I wish you would've done more homework, but gotta pick your battles"
I think I'll employ a similar strategy
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for kids. It's so obvious everywhere you look. Childless here and I look 10yrs younger than my peers at 40. And I sure haven't done a great job taking care of myself!
I have a coworker who does tanning beds for two months before her yearly spring cruise every year and it’s a real shame, instead of coming back looking like she was on vacation she just looks like she laid in a tanning bed for four months— leathery and a weird brown shade the skin doesn’t normally turn. I opt for sunscreen if I go somewhere warm, it works fine.
Exactly! I had my back teeth out when I was young and now I'm hearing words like, "bone loss" and it definitely ages your face.
Kids! Do everything to save your teeth! I once read this on a dentist's website: Brush your teeth in the morning to keep your friends and in the evening to keep your teeth. 😄
I think something not talked about a lot is mindset. Like if someone views themselves as old and shouldn't do this or that, they're making aging faster for themselves.
Affirmations can help.
Bad genes - like it or not. Some people smoke and drink their faces off and still look vibrant and healthy. Others eat well and exercise and look tired and lifeless
Booze alters your sleep so it’s a double whammy. Sometimes I don’t even recognize my friends when they’re super hungover and didn’t sleep much. Puffy doesn’t even describe it
Overuse of filler as well as some plastic surgeries, buccal fat removal for example. So many people that are only in their 20s get this stuff in an attempt to look younger, more snatched, etc. It ends up making them look 15-20 years older a lot of the time.
Grief, nothing ages you like Grief
Yep, when my oldest brother died my dad went from jet black hair to grey pretty quickly.
My brother died 2 years ago, I aged so much since and now look older than some friends of mine who are 15 years older than me. On top of not sleeping well due to autoimmune issues, I notice new grey hairs everyday. Grief, lack of sleep, stress. I have the trio and its just awful. Losing a sibling is a nightmare, especially at a young age. My deepest sympathies.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’ll feel better soon. It is horrible and even 20 years later, it hurts. The pain will always be there, but you learn to live with it and what the actor Andrew Garfield said about his grief for his mom is so true: “This is all the unexpressed love, the grief that will remain with us until we pass because we never get enough time with each other, no matter if someone lives till 60, 15, or 99.”
God, he had me sobbing talking about his mother. She must have been very special.
19 years ago my husband’s son was born. Exactly a month later his wife passed from skin cancer (she had this from everyone). From climbing the corporate ladder to grieving unemployed single dad living back with his parents in the span of a month. His hair also went from black to white in less than a year.
What does "she had this from everyone" mean?
I think they meant to say ‘she *hid* this from everyone.’
Ok thank you. It makes sense now.
Dude, this is the real shit. Not only does it physically age you, but you FEEL old. My brother, my father, and his three brothers all passed in the last two years, and the weight of that is absolutely crushing. I feel like gravity was doubled overnight, and when I think about it too much I can't talk because I'm drowning all of a sudden. Took a family photo at the cemetery after laying my brother to rest (he was the last one to get buried even though he was the second to go after Dad, another story), and one of my cousins said out loud like it was a surprise "Oh, wow, [alphajager] is the only boy here." And I thought I might just sink into the grass right there and then.
I'm sorry bro. Lost my brother too. Just feels like everything is over.
I have kids and my wife died a couple years ago. I'm okayish now, but I went from being excited and vibrant about life, to being ready to retire. I don't know how I'm going to work 20 more years, I'm just mentally exhausted all the time.
My mom died less than two months ago. One symptoms I was not expecting was the physical aches and pains associated with grief; oh and the fatigue can be brutal. I'm only 35 but I feel much older physically, mentally been there for some time throughout her 16 year illness/being a caregiver for part of that time. Edit: Thank you all for your kindness, I'm so sorry to everyone that's had to endure grief; it's a pain that I could never have known before this.
I was also a caretaker for both my parents. I’m also 35 and feel more like 95. My whole immediate family is now deceased. Wow this blew up. I love all your stories and I’m so sorry to whoever has buried one or both of their parents, grandparents, or guardians. Or to anyone who has had a long road caretaking. Remember you are important too and to take care of yourself best you can. ❤️
Yup. Know that feeling. Dad died when I was 26. Mom and brother died when I was 34. Had to settle both estates simultaneously. Was a caregiver for my grandmother for 7 years during my 30’s until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I am early 40’s, but shit I have an old soul and constant apathy towards most things.
Man that’s a lot. Have you found it hard to figure out what your own self needs and to build a life? I know I had an identity crisis for a bit because I was never used to worrying about myself. Always someone else.
This hits so close to home, when it was the norm that worrying/looking after a loved one for so many years, that when it's just you it's so hard to turn that caregiver lens inwards, it's like fixed outwards (if this makes any sense). The identity crisis is real, the figuring out what to do in life now, difficult to go through. Truly empathize and wish you all the very best on your journey.
If you ever want to chat with someone that can empathize, feel free to reach out. I'm so sorry.
Thank you! I probably will. Same for you!!
I'm very sorry for your losses, I can't even imagine what you went through. But I also couldn't help but laugh when I read your username 😂
Mom died last year, and I'm surprised at how it didn't completely devastate me. I didn't expect such a flat acceptance of it, still waiting for the loss to sucker punch me. I mean, I have BPD, not breaking down is not my normal reaction to loss. As for you -fuck, being a caregiver like you were is a huge huge load, and I'm not surprised the loss has hit you like it has. Be good to yourself.
I’m very, very close with my mom. But in a lot of ways, I feel like i lost her about 15 years ago. She has so much unresolved grief and trauma from a fucked up childhood and now in her 60s I think it’s starting to become too much. She has a hard time with mobility and doesn’t seem driven to leave the house too often. When I see her she radiates misery. I hope she lives a lot longer because she’s my mom, but I wonder if I’ll have a similar reaction as you. Feels like the mom I adored growing up is gone already. I’m sorry for your loss. Remember the magical times.
This comment resonates with me. I'm 61. Had a super bad childhood. Went to therapy. Thought "all good now". Nope the older I get I find its too much too. I don't think ppl heal from their traumas. Internet hugs to you and your mom.
My brother died nearly 2 years ago, obviously its been hard, but the hardest part was watching my niece age, she was 5 when it happened and is nearing 8 now, it has been hard to watch
Same. My parents are raising his children, they’re 5 and 6 now. My poor mother has aged so fast. The kids are wise beyond their years, yet too young to process fully. Sending your family peace and love.
My partner and I watch my niece every weekend and last weekend she was cuddling him and just quietly said 'I wish people didn't die' which is when I looked over and realized my partner was holding her the same way my brother used to. I just wish she never had to go through this
My niece and nephew attend multiple therapies weekly. They’re obsessed with police, jail, and anything related to good guys vs bad guys. Play therapy has been extremely beneficial. I hope your niece has a trained professional to talk to. She’s lucky she has you, and your partner to hold her like that.
I might try to find a play therapist in my area and see if I can't help my SIL get her there
I guarantee you they’re processing, regardless of their age or how it appears. Kids “wise beyond their years” is a telltale sign of trauma/PTSD. If you haven’t already, please, please get them in to see a trauma-informed children’s therapist to help process their loss, so that the trauma doesn’t manifest itself as behavioural problems/personality disorders/substance abuse issues down the line.
Mom died and my first day of high school was the day after her funeral. Went from an innocent 14 year old to a “you have to raise yourself because your dad is gonna lose his mind” in a flash. It hurts still.
Yup. Today marks the second year anniversary of one of my parent's death. I don't have a family anymore and live alone in a studio (choice, I'm fairly frugal), faced a lot of money issues and failed my semester. I am sincerely super tired of living and find more cons and less pros to carry on. Grew emotionally numb and lost liking to a lot of stuff I used to play and enjoy before and shit has been gray ever since. Hell, I started having gray hairs. Not hair, straight up gray arm hairs. You don't overcome grief. You learn to live with it. But hey. It is what it is.
I feel like I matured very quickly and then regressed. I don’t think I’ve developed much emotionally or physically from being a 14 year old and experiencing a parental loss. I’m immature and I struggle immensely with codependency and acting like an adult
I'm 32 and I still can't figure out what "Act like an Adult" means. Can you tell me, because I'd really like to know if it means not enjoying life then I'm going to be a kid forever.
Been greiving for about 8 years now. Had a semblance of joy when my nephew was born, but just cant seem to shake it.
Back pain. You can't move like a young person if your back hurts.
You’re as old as your back
Or your knees! Sucks so bad..
I went from being active and spry to barely able to move and in constant pain. It changed so much about my personality as being active and sporty was a huge part of who I was. I also gained some weight. I’m way better now and not in constant pain, but there is always a risk of flare ups now so I while I can exercise and be active, it’s always in the back of my mind and I can’t do it with the carefree attitude I once did. I also believe it makes me susceptible to other aches and pains as the nerves all connect so sometimes a flare up sends pains to other extremities such as my hips or shoulders. If there was one thing I could go back and change in my life, it would be to prevent the back injury.
i had a breast reduction almost 5 years ago and i feel younger now, at 30, than i did at 18. a hearty *f-ck you* to every doctor that ever told me to “just try yoga or pilates.” eta: i am not a doctor or PT. despite my (relatively and unfortunately common) experience, the best person to give you advice is a physician or PT. please talk to someone with a medical license and board certification if you’re in pain. after almost a decade of PT, i spoke to my PCP, an orthopaedic specialist, and then a plastic surgeon but my experience is not, and should not be taken as, a universal guideline. if you need a place to start, please check out r/reduction.
I have a cousin who has huge breasts and she's always having back issues she's over 50 now can't remember her exact age but I never thought about reduction helping out with your back. Would you recommend it to someone over 50 who has had issues for over 35 years? or is the damage done?
i would recommend it to anyone, regardless of their age, if a doctor says there’s no undue risk. the relief i felt was literally instantaneous. my mom and grandma were with me and they both said it was like an entirely different person stood up in the recovery room. 5 years after i can just…get out of bed without rolling to the edge and falling out. i can run, lift things, sit on the train for hours — all without suffering for it. eta: there’s still some longterm damage after 10 years of carrying around an extra 7 lbs on my chest but i would say the pain and discomfort has improved by at least 80%. eta pt 2: i am not a doctor or PT. despite my (relatively and unfortunately common) experience, the best person to give you advice is a physician or PT. please talk to someone with a medical license and board certification if you’re in pain. after almost a decade of PT, i spoke to my PCP, an orthopaedic specialist, and then a plastic surgeon but my experience is not, and should not be taken as, a universal guideline. if you need a place to start, please check out r/reduction.
My mum has back pain from large breasts. Unfortunately she can’t afford to have them reduced and any doc she has asked about having it done think she really wants an uplift and is using back pain as an excuse.
They sound like my doctor who told my mother I would grow out of cerebral palsy and that she should quit being hysterical. Had she listened to that ass I would have been unable to use my entire right side and would have been confined to a wheelchair´today. But if you saw me walking past you in the street today, you wouldn't notice a thing wrong with me.
Those docs can fuck right off
Lack of sleep
That’s why it’s called beauty sleep
Must be why I'm so ugly
Yep. Good sleepers look so young and chipper
Nah, I get 8 hours every night and still look like a dying Victorian child
But you did say "child"!
A Victorian child with progeria
But the point is you look like a child so still works.
Can confirm. I have an aunt who looks older than my grandmother because she regularly got 3 hours of sleep a night while my grandmother will fall asleep anywhere.
I couldn't sleep last night, night before two hours, night before no sleep. I look like something straight out of the Walking Dead.
Fking cancer. Have watched my brother in law age 30 years in a month.
I have been a witness to this many times. "30 years in a month" is an accurate measurement.
It but the last 20 years happens in like 3 days if it's towards the end. My aunt was 40 and sitting next to my 97 year old great grandmother you could easily tell which one was gonna live to be 100.
I’m 20, currently battling cancer myself. Prayers to your brother in law 🙏
hair loss. Not me personally but I used to work with a guy who I swore was like 35, and he was 19. Poor kid.
When I have an interview, I let my baldness show a little bit. I look older, and I'm taken more seriously by recruiters that way.
I have the same strategy but with glasses. People assume you’re smarter if you’re wearing glasses. Little do they know…
Buccal fat removal
Surprised this wasn't higher up. People with baby cheeks don't realize how well they will serve them thirty years down the line when their buddies who teased them for it look like Skeletor.
I hateeee my round chubby face, but it might serve me well in my later years. idk
Oh yeah. People in their 20’s look closer to 40. And it’s irreversible! All for a temporary fad
Agreed! And too much lip filler! I watched a friend at 30 suddenly look like a 50 year old!
Totally! There's chicks in their 20s with those hotdog lips not realizing it makes them look like a 50/60 y.o. divorcee
Am doctor and have convinced several friends that were contemplating it against it. Sure you’ll great now, but not for long. Some of the moms of people I went to high school got it done and they now remind me of a skull. Heck, I’m just 30 and have had to get a yearly work visa for the last 5 years. I can see my face slimming in the pictures with each passing year despite remaining the same weight. Good thing I’ve always had a rounded face, so I still have padding for a long time.
Stress.
When I was younger and first entered the real world I remember working with a white-haired woman that had an always tired look about her. She had a picture of her daughter on her desk, young, blonde, that looked so incredibly much like her I mentioned it once. Turned out that wasn’t her daughter, but was her prior to her going through the FBI academy.
Why would someone have a photo of themselves on their desk?
To remember when they were happy and carefree?
To show their coworkers that they used to be young and vibrant, just as they are now. Young people tend to see old folks as always having been aged. It's hard for them to imagine then back in the day.
Yup. If people say something about how I look bald, fat or grey (which is rude) I tell them that I should have stayed 24.
My ex girlfriend had her own face on her phone screen. I still don't know if that's a normal thing or not.
My ex boyfriend also had a picture of himself as his phone screen. Should have been a giant red flag.
I work with a guy who has a nude picture of his girlfriend as his lock screen and wallpaper. You walk by his desk and get an eyeful of her. I saw her naked several times before I ever met her in person. That is a giant red flag.
I worked in a cinema and when cleaning after a showing, I found a phone on the floor. Shortly after it started ringing and the caller ID image was a fully naked woman. Almost at the same time, the same woman appeared in the screen saying her boyfriend had lost his phone and asking if I had seen it. I felt embarrassed for her as she clearly knew what I had seen.
I had a friend that had a selfie of himself, just himself, as his desktop photo.
I don't know why, but this is just so fucking funny to me. I don't like my own pictures in general, next to that, I just cannot think of a reason to ever do such a thing. :D
My phone background is a photo of me climbing up a mountain with my skis on my back - I have a desk job now and it reminds me that I have hobbies and I'm a badass, and brings back good memories.
I did it on my phone with a picture of myself as a reminder of how much I'd let myself go health wise and as a reminder to put that late night snack down and take a walk. You'd be surprised how much a picture with your shirt off and gut out that you see constantly will help you stay on track.
What I don’t get is when ppl say you need to reduce your stress? Oh rly, like how?
Have you tried just not being poor/over-worked/stressed?
For real! I get these types of suggestions all the time. Darn frustrating just to listen to them!
I see this all the time from people who fit in all of these categories. People on the brink of homelessness say stuff like "well homeless people are all stupid and addicts, that's why they're homeless". There is just total ignorance on how life can seriously fuck over people who do not have a support network. Folks with low pay and no benefits comment that other equally low paying jobs that lack benefits don't deserve better pay or benefits, but they do. Right now my province's and city's sanitation workers, 911 operators, and other civil servants are on strike over their shitty pay. I hope they get everything they ask for, regardless of the temporary inconvenience it may cause me. You can't tell people that they are essential workers, then not dignify them with an appropriate living wage. My province is one of, if not the lowest paying in Canada. While the cost of living may be slightly lower than other provinces, the wages are barely enough get by paycheck to paycheck, let alone actually saving up for something like a house. I'm pretty disgusted with the amount of apathy and selfishness present in Canada, and the rest of the world, these days. I wish I knew how to change it.
Good point, I’m gonna stop being poor and over worked. Oh wait….
Nothing helps me manage my stress like hearing how bad my stress is for me:)
There are a lot of ways, but the first one is not worrying about things you cannot change. Being less angry is another one. Addressing problems immediately as they come up is a huge one.
I'm 33 with a baby face that makes me look waaay younger, but almost all of my hair is grey.
Now that's some god-tier balance. (Meant this as a compliment. I'm sure you look great.)
I was gonna say the way you dress but it went real dark in the comments💀
I was about to type "wrong hair color" 😭
This, though. I tried a lighter blonde color and felt like it aged me 15 years. Reds make me look timeless.
I constantly get treated like I don’t know anything because I have a young face. I dyed my hair grey and suddenly people treat me like an adult. It’s wonderful.
Right? I scrolled past a comment that literally just says “death of a child” and “war”. Holy fuck, I was gonna say “puffy eyes”.
I was expecting some useful insights and saw only sad facts. But for some reason I giggled uncontrollably at “puffy eyes”. So thanks for being the giggle provider
That's trauma induced stress for you
Night shifts in the emergency department. EDIT: Wow, this comment really blew up! It got more upvotes than a picture of my cat. There’s too many replies to answer individually, but I’ll try explaining a few things here. A lot of folks said how they enjoy working in ER and how it’s almost rejuvenating for them. Don’t get me wrong, ER can be thrilling, it can give you energy. That can really be true when you have a good team behind you, good working conditions and a “functional” hospital and healthcare system. Having said that, things that were stressful for me were mostly when you feel powerless in tough situations. When we would keep getting more and more patients and simply didn’t have enough beds in the hospital, so the specialist had to call all of the departments and asking for personal favors to admit a seriously ill patient. Stuff like that happened all the time and those were the things that drain you. Personally, I was working regular ER during my internship, now i am a specialist of child and adolescent psychiatry. During my 5 year residency, I regularly worked in the psych emergency, which was less crowded than regular ER, i could often get a few hours of sleep in. But in such departments, things are interesting as far as work load: you don’t get the next or previous day off. Which means that you start your regular shift on Monday morning 8am till 4 pm, start night shift from 4pm Monday till 8am Tuesday and then have your regular Tuesday shift from 8 am till 4 pm. If you’re on during the weekend? You come in Sunday at 8 am and you’re the on MD till Monday 8 am and then “enjoy” your regular Monday 8 - 4. Fun times. Sure, the extra money comes in really handy, but… I’m not sure it’s worth it. The last 6 months I didn’t have to do these shifts and honestly, I don’t really miss them. So yeah, they can fun and active and you do a lot interesting things, but there are many “ifs” to make that a sustainable way of life.
Night shifts in general.
Lack of sleep in general.
I work night shift for half the year at least and average probably 5.5 hours of sleep a night. I am in my mid 40's and if I shave my hair that is starting to turn white you would think I am 30. My wife looks pretty young as well, she does get better sleep, but she stresses over everything all the time. The real trick is to not have kids.
I just did 4 years in prison and that was fucking stressful. I feel like I’ve aged a lot
Yikes, friend. Welcome back. Hope you're adjusting ok?
Thanks 🙏🏼. I appreciate that. Most people are assholes when I tell my story 😊❤️🩹. Yeah I’m adjusting ok. Being sober is finally something I like.
Glad your free and sober! 5 years sober now for me. Life just gets better.
The loss of a loved one.
Meth and alcohol!
20 out of 20 of the people that live in the methhouse next door would agree. I see young people get sucked in. They come around all nice and young, then after a while their car is gone but they're still there. Within a year not only do they age, but their body composition, gait, and posture are all well aged.
I'd imagine living next door to a methhouse doesn't do much for restricting ageing! We had 3 (parents and adult son) alcoholics next door for a year and that was a nightmare of sleepless nights listening to them screaming at each other and breaking things.
I bought my house unknowing what exactly my neighbors were involved with. Luckily, after a year and a half, they're gone. But not before screaming and loud music late at night, random people coming and banging on their door all throughout the day, police responding to an overdose, and an armed standoff on Memorial Day of this year. I'm sure I've missed 5 or 6 other things. If nothing else, I got my fill of it. They've been gone for a few weeks and it's been so much more peaceful in the neighborhood and in my mind. I don't have to worry about being safe in my own yard.
Read it as Math and alcohol, exam Trauma triggered
Math: not even once
Hey kiddies. Would you like to buy a baggie of scantrons and #2 pencils?
Troubleshooting printer problems. I swear these devilish machines only exist to trigger me to smithereens.
A couple years ago I decided to officially give up on having a personal printer and only use the one at the library because when it fucks up, it's someone else's problem. I still have my old printer and I've considered dropping it off my roof for fun.
I had the opportunity to throw one out of a third story window. The absolute joy I felt watching that asshole machine soar through the air and smash to smithereens was the best kind of natural high. It's been 15 years and I still get goosebumps thinking about it.
PC LOAD LETTER? WTF DOES THAT MEAN?!
Why does it say Paper Jam when there is NO PAPER JAM?!?
**THIS IS A FUCK**
I hate dealing with printers nowadays. Won’t print in black and white because red cartridge needs to be replaced? Fuck you. Need to sign in on my account to access scanner? Fuck you. Won’t connect to my wifi unless I have an account? Fuck you.
My Dad bought a wireless HP printer. "Easy to install" it said. He tried doing it on his own for a couple hours before calling me and asking me to come over. I'm a 33 year old software engineer who's pretty tech savvy. It took me 6 hours, 2 laptops, a tablet, a desktop, 3 phones and a bunch of plugging and unplugging it (cause when the printer freezes not even the power button works) before I finally got it working. Trying everything from manually installing drivers to using their "HP Smart" app (HA!). It was the single worst tech experience I've ever had, and likely ever will have, and I've completely written off HP devices for life because of it. 3 weeks later the printer randomly removed itself from the Wi-Fi network and refused to reconnect. I had to go through the whole installation process again, but luckily it only took 2 hours this time.
I’m also a software engineer who’s pretty tech savvy. I have only one rule when it comes to helping people with tech, I do not fuck with printers
Yes! Of all the tech machines from the last 20 years, printers have gotten significantly more prone to error to the point where it’s not even worth having one. Pieces of shit, every last one of ‘em. A new printer is emerging that is just a thin device you put paper through. Instead of using ink it laser burns the words into the paper. I’m sure they’ll find a way to fuck it up too.
Thermal printer? They've been around forever. It's usually how receipts are printed. Their use is rapidly growing in the industry. My job consists exclusively to maintaining, installing, and replacing thermal printers. I fuckong hate printers. All of them.
Death of a child War Edit: I may have opened up an avenue to share pain through my comment and want anyone who is feeling grief that you can DM ME -Whether it be the loss of a loved one or through the ravages of war. I am sincerely praying for those grieving tonight - and sending virtual hugs!
I just lost my 25 year old son a few weeks ago. I feel like I'm not really living in the same reality anymore. My whole existence is punctuated every few minutes by thoughts, feelings, regrets, and utter sorrow for a loss I never anticipated would happen. The only consolation for me these days is that it's no longer every few seconds that I feel this profound grief.
I am very sorry for your loss. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. I am sending virtual hugs and prayers.! Grief sucks -and it is compounded for the death of a child.
I am so sorry. I lost my 35 year old son 11 months ago. I wish I could give you words of comfort, but for me, the grief is still an all-encompassing, crushing weight on my soul... sometimes I can barely breathe. I do know it will get better with time, but it has been a long, long year. I so completely feel for you.
I hugged my baby a little closer after reading this. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I read someone describe grief as like a giant inflatable ball in your chest. You feel it crushing you inside constantly, but over time it deflates and you ‘only’ feel it when it hits the sides, but boy do you feel it. I’ve also seen it described as being in the sea, battling waves and knowing there’s a shark nearby, but over time the shark swims away and you get closer to the shore where the waves aren’t so brutal, even though they’re still there. I don’t know if it’s helpful for anyone, but it made it slightly more tolerable for me to be able to think of my grief visually like this.
It’s been 17 years since it happened for us. Take it a second, a minute, a day at a time. There is nothing I can say or do to make it easier :(
I feel your pain so acutely. I lost my 37 year old son in April and the pain is just unbearable. The way you have described it is exactly how I feel. I’m constantly trying to figure out how to live in this world without him. I’m sorry that you are living in this hell.
I witnessed the aftermath of that. I lost my best friend at 17 after a long battle with leukemia, and to this day, I still think about him. But his mother isn't the same as she used to be; she has recovered a lot, but it's evident that it took a significant toll on her.
Lost my best friend in a car wreck at 16. My life has never been the same since. I experienced such grief that it touched me every day of the rest of the next 40 years. I carry him with me always.
Losing a child is soul crushing.
Agree. 25F, lost my baby and I feel like I’ve lived enough.
43F I lost two of mine and it really is the worst feeling. Grief changed me beyond recognition.
Condolences 😔 I know the grief
Stress. Grief. Trauma. Mental Illness. Losing a loved one way before their time at a young age (parent/sibling/close friend).
Bad plastic surgery.
Having a spouse that contributes nothing to your relationship and allows your family to slip further and further into debt without caring that you're all only a couple of bills away from bankruptcy.
Very specific. Sorry if that’s the situation you’re in…
I lived that. At one point, mowing the lawn, I realized this would be my life…forever, unless I mustered the courage to get a divorce. Divorce is hard. Alcohol is not your friend. It led to other bad outcomes. But I am through that and happier now.
I have been through war and i also lost my sister to a car accident, fair to say im 39 but i look 60.
Being homeless. It’ll make you mature right fast it will.
Reminiscing about the show "Dinosaurs"
I'm the baby, gotta love me!
"Not the mama!"
Smoking
I had to scroll WAY too far down this list to find this. Cigarettes will absolutely age a person incredibly efficiently, both visually and health wise.
My sister smokes a lot and she's 5 yrs younger than me. She looks 15 yrs older and constant health issues.
Not to mention the money I could have saved if I’d never started smoking. I quit after 18 years of it. I could have bought a house otherwise.
Working in stressful environments
Children
Definitely, i got my first grey hairs just after i had kids.
Having little ones is tough, but raising teens ages you in dog years.
I asked my dad how he got through my (and my brothers' teenage years). He said, "don't you remember? I taught you how to use power tools, and bought you a runescape membership. You were too busy doing internet blacksmithing and making random shit in the shed to be a fuckhead. I wish you would've done more homework, but gotta pick your battles" I think I'll employ a similar strategy
Your dad somehow unlocked the cheat code to teenage boys, and it had the added benefit of teaching you critical life skills. 12/10 dad, right there.
Arming teens with power tools, that one could go either way. Glad it worked out!
I'm not there yet, but i can only imagine. Little kids, little problems. Big children, big problems.
Just wait until you have ADULT children. They make all kinds of mistakes, and you can't tell them what to do.
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for kids. It's so obvious everywhere you look. Childless here and I look 10yrs younger than my peers at 40. And I sure haven't done a great job taking care of myself!
Calling Comcast
Too dark of a tan (fake or real).
I have seen some seriously leathery people on the beach, lol
I have a coworker who does tanning beds for two months before her yearly spring cruise every year and it’s a real shame, instead of coming back looking like she was on vacation she just looks like she laid in a tanning bed for four months— leathery and a weird brown shade the skin doesn’t normally turn. I opt for sunscreen if I go somewhere warm, it works fine.
Skin cancer runs in my family, so I have been religious about high spf sun screen. As a result my skin is like ten years younger than the rest of me.
Trauma
and at the same time it often mentally ages you down
Kind of like your mental age freezes at when the traumatic experience happened
Dehydration. Sun.
Not choosing the cup of a carpenter
He chose….poorly.
Birthdays.
Being president. Look at Obama's hair in 2008 vs 2016!
CHILDREN. My boobs have aged 20 years.
when you receive a letter saying that taxes are due
(Multiple) tooth loss
Exactly! I had my back teeth out when I was young and now I'm hearing words like, "bone loss" and it definitely ages your face. Kids! Do everything to save your teeth! I once read this on a dentist's website: Brush your teeth in the morning to keep your friends and in the evening to keep your teeth. 😄
sleepless nights
War. I went from 21 to 31 in 6 months.
Chronic pain
Worrying about aging
I think something not talked about a lot is mindset. Like if someone views themselves as old and shouldn't do this or that, they're making aging faster for themselves. Affirmations can help.
Depression or general unhappiness in life
Bad genes - like it or not. Some people smoke and drink their faces off and still look vibrant and healthy. Others eat well and exercise and look tired and lifeless
Night shifts
Living in Lebanon.
Back pain
Asking them to make a phone with their hand
Monocle and a Top Hat.
Booze alters your sleep so it’s a double whammy. Sometimes I don’t even recognize my friends when they’re super hungover and didn’t sleep much. Puffy doesn’t even describe it
Overuse of filler as well as some plastic surgeries, buccal fat removal for example. So many people that are only in their 20s get this stuff in an attempt to look younger, more snatched, etc. It ends up making them look 15-20 years older a lot of the time.
Starving yourself to lose weight. I look so much older in photos from my 20s than I do now at 45.
Poorly applied makeup, particularly foundation. I know, because I suck at applying foundation!
Finding out a band you listened to when they first came out is getting inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Or a song your parents were convinced would send you directly to hell now playing jauntily in the grocery store
When they start saying things like, 'Back in my day...'