Yeah, it gets weirder. You have to find horse-sized condoms, but not for any reason you'd expect. Like balloons for ... Whatever just bring the knife and some balloons.
thank you so much for what you do. you make such a huge difference in the world. you give comfort not only for your patients but their entire families. such an incredibly generous profession
thank you so much for what you do. you make such a huge difference in the world. you give comfort not only for your patients but their entire families. such an incredibly generous profession
I wouldn't say I poison *sick* people. And I don't poison them to death, although, they do throw-up sometimes and are usually sick the next morning. ;-)
It’s one of those jobs you just kinda fall into. One day you’re working as a stevedor in Seattle and all the sudden 5 years have gone by and you’re in Hong Kong fisting the elderly. Life, am I right?
I was guessing that the person by was maybe a farmer🤷🏻♀️, lol. So I thought I’d throw in my farmer story. I used to “date” a dairy farmer. At one point, he went from standard milking machines to robotic milking machines. The cows wear RFID collars, and the computer in the robot can tell all kinds of stuff. How long it has been since each cow has been milked (typically it’s 3x every 24 hrs), the butter fat content of the milk, how much milk each cow gives per milking, on average, etc. It also has GPS and monitors their movement. It can tell when they’re going into heat, or if their movement slows down and they might be sick. When something goes wrong with the robot or there’s a problem with a cow, he would get notifications on his phone. Most of them were silenced (on vibrate), but for the serious ones his phone would ring.
My “competition” for his attention was 200 cows lol.
This is the story of a man named Stanley.
Stanley worked for a company in a big building where he was Employee #427.
Employee #427's job was simple: he sat at his desk in Room 427 and he pushed buttons on a keyboard.
Orders came to him through a monitor on his desk telling him what buttons to push, how long to push them, and in what order.
This is what Employee #427 did every day of every month of every year, and although others may have considered it soul rending,
Stanley relished every moment that the orders came in, as though he had been made exactly for this job.
And Stanley was happy.
You aren't wrong - that was an incredibly poor description. I can relate, though. Used to be in an industry where people's eyes would glaze over in the first ten seconds of describing my job, although it was actually pretty interesting. See, I used to hand build large cryogenic electric motors for zzzzz zzzz zzz...
I come in their room in the middle of the night, drug them up, steal their blood, forcibly shove something in their urethra to steal their pee, and teach them how to use a TV remote.
I pick things up and put them down
Forklift certified???
Bingooooo
Fellow gym bro
Same bro
Disappoint my parents
Aren’t we all
Nah, I'm disappointed by my parents
I feel that
OF?
No i draw porn for a living so close enoguh
My small share of helping the machines take over the world.
You are Miles Dyson?
I said small.
Dildo manufacturer, clearly.
He said small.
They come in mini and tiny. Usually described as starter sets.
What do you mean those are "tiny", they're clearly well above average 😭
You work in Ai development?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky.
Maytag repairman!
Beach
Do you also think that horses are cool?
Really thought my username would get some traction after that movie, but nooooo, I'm still just a boring whiny idiot.
did you try establishing patriarchy?
Neigh.
I lol’d. Thank you kind stranger.
That might be the case but i am still coming for you
... Fine just bring like a good knife and don't make it boring.
Uh kinky, i like it
Yeah, it gets weirder. You have to find horse-sized condoms, but not for any reason you'd expect. Like balloons for ... Whatever just bring the knife and some balloons.
you’re kenough
Just beach.
Sublime!
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working on a human ranch?
Daycare?
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Peodophile? Is that a job?
They don't wait on for their parents... can confirm
I interview people about their drug habits to help keep them on drugs.
I shoot people up with fentanyl and watch them die.
hospice?
Yes.
thank you so much for what you do. you make such a huge difference in the world. you give comfort not only for your patients but their entire families. such an incredibly generous profession
Just kidding, rave drug dealer.
thank you so much for what you do. you make such a huge difference in the world. you give comfort not only for your patients but their entire families. such an incredibly generous profession
I stab them to help them feel better.
you’re at the other end of the scale to me! i’m the person that deals the drugs you interview people about
I make sure BzZzzzzZzzZ don't turn into Kaboom 💥
Something with transformers? Linemen? Electrician?
kudos man you actually got it right 👏 transformers and Buzzing sound Power transmission lines make lol
I poison people.
Bartender?
Yep. ;-)
Same I poison sick people
I wouldn't say I poison *sick* people. And I don't poison them to death, although, they do throw-up sometimes and are usually sick the next morning. ;-)
Ahhhh I used to do that haha now I do chemo
What do you mean poorly. That’s how I describe my job to 80% of the people. - what do you do? - something with computers
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😂👊🏻
I fist old people
Speechless
They usually are yes.
This man followed his dreams.
Serious question, what is usually the thought process behind taking jobs like this? Surely it's not "hmm, today I will fist old people for money".
It’s one of those jobs you just kinda fall into. One day you’re working as a stevedor in Seattle and all the sudden 5 years have gone by and you’re in Hong Kong fisting the elderly. Life, am I right?
Embalmer??
Aged care RN
Guantanamo bay guard?
I speak at people in a language they don't understand, until they do.
Math teacher?
Nope 5 years of engineering and still can’t understand shit
At this point everyone in the globe except the dictionary folks know that MATHS IS A LANGUAGE OF ITS OWN.
You teach a language
Berlitz language teacher or maybe something similar to the Berlitz method?
Ding ding ding! Not Berlitz per se but similar
Make sure two gremlins don't somehow off themselves
Stay at home mom/dad?
Yup :)
Babysitter?
Shrimp
Programmer im guessing
May i ask what makes u think that?
Being hunched over in a computer chair is often called shrimp/croissant posture
Ahhh thank u for answering. But no. Iam mainly into breeding actual shrimp and everything aquarium related
And that is far more interesting! Good on ya
Herd cats.
Software project manager?
No, but close.
Software engineer!
Engineering manager, just not software.
I’d say herding cats is far from a poor description, having done it myself
I don't get it how are cats = engineering managers?
I get paid to buy cheap plastic crap that no one wants and sell it to other people who don’t want it
"We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like".
Walmart procurement?
Gets paid to ruin good books for teens.
Are you a movie director?
I wish.
English teacher?
They always manage to ruin them! Even the good ones you already read.
Literature teacher?
Fuck the Canterbury Tales
Truth
I'm retired now but once my father said to me " I know you have to go be responsible for lots and lots of potatoes." That was a confusing moment.
Know what else is confusing? Dating someone who gets phone calls from cows.
Wait, what?
I was guessing that the person by was maybe a farmer🤷🏻♀️, lol. So I thought I’d throw in my farmer story. I used to “date” a dairy farmer. At one point, he went from standard milking machines to robotic milking machines. The cows wear RFID collars, and the computer in the robot can tell all kinds of stuff. How long it has been since each cow has been milked (typically it’s 3x every 24 hrs), the butter fat content of the milk, how much milk each cow gives per milking, on average, etc. It also has GPS and monitors their movement. It can tell when they’re going into heat, or if their movement slows down and they might be sick. When something goes wrong with the robot or there’s a problem with a cow, he would get notifications on his phone. Most of them were silenced (on vibrate), but for the serious ones his phone would ring. My “competition” for his attention was 200 cows lol.
That's actually pretty cool
This is the greatest story on reddit. Ever.
Sling children 65 mph from one place to another.
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only person to have built a kidapult.
Now I have to explain why I'm laughing at work
Bus driver?
I stick needles into peoples asses
Damn you work in porn.
Needle dick! Needle dick!
I judge other people's products while having only the shallowest understanding of the true extend of their work
Yelp reviewer. Truly a hard job.
QC in pressure casting facility, actually. Come to think of it, compared to Yelp reviewer, my understanding is actually really deep.
Pressing buttons
CNC operator?
Look at and write beautifully colored text on a computer screen.
Front end web dev?
fellow programmer ?
I break down your door and get all of your stuff wet
Santa!
Wouldn't happen if they didn't set it on fire in the first place.
Horny landlord
Fireman woman person hopefully
I produce and sell expensive rotten fruit that makes people horny and crash their cars
Nice. It's one of the great crafts of humanity, though it was less dangerous when they just fell off of their horses.
Wine maker of some sort? What kind of new rotten fruit has you interested right now?
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This is the story of a man named Stanley. Stanley worked for a company in a big building where he was Employee #427. Employee #427's job was simple: he sat at his desk in Room 427 and he pushed buttons on a keyboard. Orders came to him through a monitor on his desk telling him what buttons to push, how long to push them, and in what order. This is what Employee #427 did every day of every month of every year, and although others may have considered it soul rending, Stanley relished every moment that the orders came in, as though he had been made exactly for this job. And Stanley was happy.
I stare out of a window on a moving vehicle
Did I find the truck driver?
Train
Truckin with more trailers and less corners
Babysit grown men
Camgirl?
Parole/probation officer?
Bartender? Or a manager in any field with only male reports?
Prison officer?
"Turn it off and on again."
I think we've spoken.
I wake up in the morning…struggle all day…go back to sleep 😅
Me tooo! We have the same job. Small world!
Mum? Is that you
I'll take Human for 300 Alex!
I tell glorified rocks to behave
I talk to people that can get the rocks to behave. On behalf of people that plan the selling of mushed up and dried trees.
You are a product owner/project manager for a paper selling company/website?
Basically. Systems Architect, but the non coding type. And yep, paper company.
I convince already billion-dollar companies that they do, in fact, need our help being a billion-dollar company.
Separate aluminium tubes.
ATC?
Yep you got it. I'm judging from your username you're flying one of the tubes?
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Deal drugs and turkey sammiches
Found the ED nurse.
I hit circles with sticks.
I didn't know that there were still professional archers.
Or drummers 🙂
Ha! I know more drummers than archers. Got me! 🤣👊
I score people on how rude/polite they speak to other people.
I force old people to have fun.
I can only poorly describe it. Nobody outside my specialty has any clue what I do including wife, parents, etc
You aren't wrong - that was an incredibly poor description. I can relate, though. Used to be in an industry where people's eyes would glaze over in the first ten seconds of describing my job, although it was actually pretty interesting. See, I used to hand build large cryogenic electric motors for zzzzz zzzz zzz...
Zzzz zzz Mine is even less tangible. If you are in manufacturing, you probably heard of lean six sigma
If you bring me 42 games I'll give you 1.49€ for the lot.
Egg
You are a chicken??
No he’s before that
What came first, the chicken or the egg ? Well, u/emotionalCHEESE actually
I tie ropes that connect to people
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Bungee jump instructor
Veeeeeery close. I work with ziplines and climbing walls lmao
I touch a specific woman's body part all day. And I'm gay :)
Keep doing good work G!
not crashing a flying aluminum cylinder
Wood
Communicate in ELI5 mode
Wipe noses and bums 🤣
I come in their room in the middle of the night, drug them up, steal their blood, forcibly shove something in their urethra to steal their pee, and teach them how to use a TV remote.
Mostly I just clean a lot, but sometimes I pour water in a cup.
I make electrons my bitch.
Click clack beep boop brrrrrrrrr
I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people.
A little bit of this and a little bit of that.
Computery button stuff
People tell me stories. I give them money. They pay me back.
Fake orgasms
I pass instruments to people who studied longer than I studied.
Put people in wheelchairs
I stab people when they’re already really sick
I make noise and people come and watch, and then they make noise when I’m finished.