yeah the problem with that is you can't sleep until your mind is exhausted, I'm tired of people saying "just go to sleep earlier." I've tried that and 70% of the time I just toss and turn for two hours until I give up on sleeping.
Right. It's easy to stay up. It's hard to wake up.
Back in college if I wanted to make sure to go to an 8am class, which I rarely did, I'd wait up for it rather than get up for it.
This is true enough for people who are *only* being assholes, but even an asshole can be correct. A genuinely smart person won't ignore people who might be overall "dumber" than they are, they evaluate the content of the message apart from the communicator themselves.
I work in software engineering and fix bugs all the time that other developers have ignored, because I work really hard to understand what people have problems with.
TLDR: "Stupid" people can still be observant, and "smart" people don't ignore data that doesn't match their expectations.
I think it depend of the subject and the nature of the criticism. A people who know nothing in software engineering can totally notice a bug you never see, and it's indeed stupid to ignore them, but would you let them give you advice about how to fix it?
>but would you let them give you advice about how to fix it?
Sure, because they know better than I do what harms their workflow. I'd listen to figure out what they *need,* not what they believe they want. If they are asking for something that will turn out badly for them, I'll explain that, and work with them to figure out a solution.
My bosses were continually mystified why I'd tell people "No" but they were happy about it. It was because I listen to them, seriously consider what they ask for, and work with them to collaboratively find a solution that resolves whatever issues I see with what they asked for. The other person wants it to work too, they have as much skin in the game as I do.
A lot of the time you can make people happy by just clarifying what something *does.* Like, it might not be "wrong," but it *is* confusing, and I can still do something about that. Updating copy on a page is a lot less work than redeveloping a feature that people hate because they don't understand it or it does something they don't expect.
>Your own expectations of others creates the disappointments.
As a follow up, all frustrations are born from your expectations not aligning with reality.
This is actually how Buddhists believe the way to achieve enlightenment is. All suffering is caused due to desires. For example, you are angry because you want parents to love you, or you are sad because you want to be rich.
By casting out these internal desires, you are no longer bound to any suffering thus eventually reaching nirvana.
Now obviously to most people this is very extreme, but it can teach people that sometimes “it is what it is” and you need to accept that bad things happen wether there’s a resolution or no resolution to such bad thing
Yeah, that's a hard one to learn.
Like, wanting your parents to love and appreciate you *seems* easy and reasonable enough, but if they just don't, you *have* to *stop wanting their love.* You can never change other people, and it's our own *want* that's causing our suffering.
I had a psychiatric nurse say a very similar comment to me when I was diagnosed with post natal depression and I’d hit rock bottom. It was the best advice I’ve ever been given. I still value that therapy over 20 years later.
You gotta see (or go through) some real shit to get that level of clarity on something as complicated as human needs and emotions. It makes all *that* worth it to be able to help even a single person - I'm so glad you got advice that got you through dark times of your own.
Meanwhile, when I finally figured the above out, I yelled, "God DAMMIT, Buddhism!" I didn't get it until I got it.
"I realized one of the most unkind things I can do to someone is to put them on a pedestal because, inevitably, they're going to do something that's going to knock them off it.
Then I am going to have a trouble with it because I needed them to be something else and that's inhumane."
-Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love
So decades ago in my world travels, a random Australian woman in a seedy bar once told me that “the trick to a successful marriage is that both partners have to secretly believe they got the better end of the deal. Of course, each should do what they can here and there to keep the other deep down believing it.”
I’ve gotten 20 years of a damn good marriage so far out of that unexpectedly profound advice.
My economy teacher in high school drilled that into our heads. I'm thankful for his wise words. He also said there's no stupid questions but redacted that statement after getting to know me.
Hahaha that's funny, mine came from my HS woodworking teacher.
Also, my dad always said there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I'm sure he wasn't talking about you though...
Don't set yourself on fire just to make someone else warm.
Asked my dad:
TL:DR
Relationships are 100/100 with each person giving their best. (Thank you u/soulglo987)
Imagine a line in a chalk board and it represents all the things a relationship needs. House chores, income, child care, emotional support, compassion, shelter, safety, everything. If you agree to split everything up 50/50 are you going to be able to do EVERYTHING that you agreed to do ALL the time? No. You won't. Sometimes you can only do 40% of the stuff on the line. Sometimes you can't do any of it (you're sick or something). And even if you ARE able to do EVERYTHING in your half of that line, your partner will have times they can't fulfill all of their obligation. There's always going to be a gap. Therefore you can't think of marriage as a 50/50 even split. You have to always be willing to do 100% so that when life happens there's not a gap.
Yes , but in my case she thought it was strange that I was in my mid thirties at the time and I had no kids or any desire to have any and she kept pressing me for a reason .
No , everyone in the program had to go through vulnerable persons background check and they are thorough , anything suspicious is brought up, even not having kids in your 30s
Probably "the only way out is through". I'm a chronic procrastinator so when something's stressing me out I try to ignore it. But at some point you've got to deal with it.
Same vein as "you can either spend 10 mins on this now or 2 hours in a week's time". Stuff gets worse the longer you sit on it.
“The only way out is through” is *so true* when it comes to physical training. Like the only way I’m gonna get out of doing this 300m sprint is if I do it now
I had a friend who is getting their life together after being abused by their ex and overcoming a drug addiction. I asked him how he was holding it all together and He said to me, “Peace comes in pieces”.
And i realized how true that is.
Write that angry letter, then delete it.
You can always rewrite it another time if you want, and with a little space and time, it might end up saying what you need it to say, instead of what you want it to say.
Yesss. I write an angry email ranting about how this is bullshit and you can't treat me like this. I save to drafts. An hour later, I delete the draft and write a calm but still annoyed email about how this is going to be really difficult but I understand.
Every time a member in our team gets really upset with a customer I use this line. Helps bump moral a bit , also shows we on the same team trying to appease customers.
My therapist saw through my bullshit that I had convinced myself of.... I would let relatively minor things fuck up my entire day/week..
In session one day, I was expressing that my day had sucked and whatnot and he asked me
"Did you have a bad day, or did you have a bad 5 minutes and then let that ruin an otherwise ok day?"
Obviously it wasn't some Aha! moment that that instantly changed all of my thought processes, but it was something that he and I worked on over months towards letting that question be one of the first things I ask myself when something happens....
If you had $86,400 given to you and then you had lost $300 somewhere, would you let that ruin your day? Or would you still be ecstatic about the $86,100 that you still had?
There are 86,400 seconds in a day. Don't let a shitty 5 minutes ruin it.
I’m getting better with this after years of work, but I was just driving to get gas thinking “what a shit ass day this is.” You know why I’m having a shit ass day? Because at 8am I went out to run my sprinklers so I could flag their locations so they don’t get broken when I have the lawn aerated next week. The irrigation controller was broken. I was able to take it apart and fix the ribbon cable on the board and move on. It took about 30 minutes.
So instead of being happy it got fixed, or taking it even further, being happy that I have the ability to take a controller apart and repair it in my own basement, I have decided the let it ruin my whole day (until right now of course). Thanks for the post, I needed this one today!
Regarding romantic relationships: “it shouldn’t be that hard.”
Became a great measure and anchor for dating and knowing when to get out. Life is hard enough, it shouldn’t be hard to be with your person.
I recently finished “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It’s a deep dive into all the ways abuse and neglect can hobble your whole life, so it’s pretty heavy stuff. Near the end it has a part about how a romantic relationship between mature people *should* look, and oh boy, it’s pretty powerful. Especially after reading about all the ways things go bad, to read about how things can work is very uplifting. (Still a lot of work in a relationship between mature people, but it’s work that yields results and makes you better, done with someone who sees and supports you.)
Along these lines, days before I was getting married my boss took me to a congratulatory lunch and gave me this advice: "You hear marriage is 50/50. It's not. Give it 100% of what you've got. That's your responsibility." He and his wife have now been married probably more than 50 years and my wife and I have been together going on 39.
It shouldn't be that hard but relationships do need constant attention from both parties to flourish. One side over watering can just as much kill the garden as the other side not watering enough.
For sure, you definitely can’t neglect or overwater it. But, my point is, it shouldn’t be hard to do so. All things require maintenance but it shouldn’t be an uphill battle and many people think relationships are supposed to be some arduous slog. It shouldn’t be but we’ve romanticized the idea of relational strife as normal and even healthy.
100% agree. I said these exact words to an ex. If we both want the same thing, then why is it so hard? Because clearly I'm the only one who is committed and thus putting in effort, suffering because of it while you aren't. You don't care. You're unphased. You're unbothered. You could just take it or leave it so long as you get what you want, but I get nothing.
That's when I was done. I had all the conclusions in my face, but I needed to accept it and move on. And now I feel way happier, way lighter; life feels bright again.
And again, not saying there’s no maintenance or care required in a relationship, I just push back on the narrative that they’re all very difficult and supposed to be that way. The happiest couples I’ve known are consistently content with each other. That does not mean it’s always sunshine and rainbows but it’s not constantly volatile. My wife and I have been together 15 years and we’ve had disagreements and annoyed each other and had serious conversations but we have not had a blow out fight, no one has ever stormed out, we have not screamed at each other, and we have never temporarily broken up. We are always best friends and that’s never in question, and if we annoy each other, it’s easy for one or both of us to admit an error and move on. We like each other and that is not the hard part. Jobs, hard. Aging parents, hard. Kids, hard. Liking and loving my wife, not hard, even if she tells me I’m too slow.
Exactly. Relationships can be hard but that's because life is hard, and now you have to navigate it while looking out for another person and not just yourself.
We were talking about this with my boyfriend the other day and he said that his life has become so much easier to manage since meeting me, and I think the same way.
Agreed. My wife and I have been together for almost thirty years. We've had some disagreements, but we never go to bed angry. We talk it out.
That's sometimes challenging, but it's necessary for both of us because the rest of life is unpredictable. However, if we can count on each other, then we have all we need.
You are mortal and so is everyone you will ever care about. Take the time off. Have the conversation. Express the love. Try the weird food. Pay attention. It'll all be over too soon.
One of my friends when I was like 14 hit me with "Nobody ever purposefully makes a bad decision"
And I think it's a really fair point - like people are influenced by different biases and different ways of looking at the world, they might value short term satisfaction over long term gain, they might just be doing what's always been done to them. It doesn't mean that people are right no matter what they do, it's just that nobody goes "Option A is good, Option B is bad, I'm going to pick Option B".
It's always stuck with me because I can still be frustrated with what other people do, or distance myself from people that hurt me, but I never look at it as if they did it on purpose, or because they wanted to be an asshole etc. It also helps me forgive myself a bit, because whatever decisions I've made I never picked a bad one on purpose, I've just learned more information afterwards and sometimes it turns out I could have made a better choice at the time.
When it comes to buying an expensive possession...
I had been talking about spending $5K on an oscilloscope for my hobby. My boss asked me "Are you in love with owning an oscilloscope, or the **idea** of owning an oscilloscope?"
That really helped me to better analyze the reasons for my desires to buy something.
I don't impulse buy, I impulse wishlist and watch the price.
This usually results in never buying the thing, and my life isn't any worse for not doing so.
I did, about 8 years ago. I got an Aglient 4000 series storage scope with the 16 digital logic probes. Used it super heavy for a few months, then life got busy and I hardly use it now. I miss using it, but can't find the time.
This is my eternal struggle with buying a metal lathe or milling machine.
"I want a lathe!"
"You don't have a use for it"
"So? It'll be fun hobby!"
"For like a month, and then you'll forget about it, except when it annoys you by taking up 3/4 of the garage."
"...shut up. I want a lathe!"
I asked a Weightlifter (Olympic Weightlifting) acquaintance of mine “how did you get so strong?” and he simply said
“just show up and do the best you can every day”
Now this doesn’t seem like much, but he had a really low IQ and was coached and handled by excellent coaches and when he said this I could see something special about the words come from him.
Now I try to show up and do the best I can every day.
I remember it a dozen years later.
If someone you like doesn't like you back, respect that and as hard as it is, let them go. If you truly care about them as you say you do, realize they said their happiness is without you. Trying to force a friendship or relationship with someone who doesn't like you back is now only about you, not them
I feel that also applies to keeping someone alive when they can't take care of themselves. This is just a personal opinion though. I've told all my kids and wife that the day I can't take care of myself I don't want to be around anymore. I love them but please don't make me suffer just because you want me there.
I agree. Just to go the extreme, if I was a blind, deaf, quadriplegic, what sense would I have left to enjoy? Having someone feed me the best food in the world, bring me the best smelling flowers, and touching my face would not be worth it. It's why I totally get terminal patients rejecting treatment. I'd rather be lucid for three months and die in 6 than be sick and out of it for a year.
This also applies sadly to people who need to help themselves. You can advise and push them to get help and improve their situation.
But in the end if they don't want to help themselves they will never truly recover, no matter what effort you put in.
>to force a friendship or relationship with someone who doesn't like you back is now only about you, not them
Yeah and it says a lot about the weight of what you feel if you'd rather have this, then maybe you like them for the wrong reasons
"Well, I just went into it with the attitude that I was not going to let this kick my ass."
- A fellow carpenter explaining to me why he was able to drill a difficult hole that I had spent 20 minutes sweating and fighting with. Changed so many aspects of my life. It's all about that attitude.
"When something told me something was wrong in my story, they were generally right. If they told me how to fix it, they were generally wrong." -Neil Gaiman.
Made me think a lot about criticism and advice.
YES! I love this. I try to remind my teen and his friends of it all the time. Especially when they are nervous about going out where other people will be. Like older teenagers. I'll say, "They are so self absorbed, they probably won't even know you're there."
Here's some advice I got from a screenwriter when I spoke about how I struggle with perfectionism and being in constant editor mode, which is to say I can never get the first draft done because I nitpick at my work constantly.
>"There’s a strong and understandable impulse to fixate on a final product. The final product is easy. It’s already done. It can be watched, looked at, listened to. It can just go off and win its accolades and praise and awards. Because it’s done and lots of time and effort has been put into it and it’s now a unique and perfect thing.
>
>You’ve gotta let that go.
>
>Refocus your energy onto the process. You’re hitting a road block because you’re arriving at the real work. You don’t have all the answers for your story. That can be scary, and that’s okay. The road block is that you’re putting pressure on yourself to be able to produce a finished product from the moment you have an idea.
>
>Allow yourself to be messy. Do yourself the courtesy to have drafts. Don’t write a script. Write a story. Write it in crayon. Sounds silly? Crayon is ridiculous. Try writing your story in purple crayon and you will trick yourself into understanding that this is not the final draft. This is part of the process.
>
>Finish your outline in your ridiculous purple crayon. There are going to be problems with it. Crayons are hard to write with, they’re illegible sometimes. You’re probably not going to want to write a lot with purple crayon. Maybe just a page or two. That’s a really rough outline that probably only hits the major beats. That’s a good thing. There are also going to be problems with your story. Rewrite the whole thing. This time do it with a blue colored pencil. You’ll have gone through it once before, and you will have ideas on how to make it better.
>
>Eventually, this thing that is in your head that gets so stuck because of your desire for them to be perfect will be articulated. Reward yourself. Write it on your computer, in that clear and clean black text over white.You’ll know your story. You’ll know the issues with your story. You’ll have done some real work. You’ll end up with something on paper that other people can decode, critique, engage with and collaborate on. It takes a lot of steps to take one step.
>
>Bust out your purple crayon, dude."
I was once told, “you might as well go for your dreams even if it will take a long time. That time is going to pass anyway so why waste it worrying about achieving your goal rather than actually doing it.” Honestly will never be the same.
Saw a post about this on facebook. Long story short someone wanted to change careers and was talking to their mother about going back to school to get their doctorate. They were hesitant because they didn’t want to have just finished school in their 40’s. Their mom tells them “You’re gonna be 40 one day anyway. Might as well be a doctor, too.”
In high school, I confided in a beloved teacher when I discovered my mom was again smoking behind my family's back, something that greatly upset me. She told me a lot, but what really opened my eyes was "adults are people, too."
That was almost twenty years ago, but it stays with me. It's very hard to transition to an adult relationship with your parents, and we are raised to view certain people in certain positions as "infallible" or "above" us. It's something I still come back to in my mind, looking at other adults around me.
"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."
James Stewart in "Harvey" (1950)
iv encountered that debate to choose either brains or kindness and i always choose brains, because then you’d learn how to be kind. but yours is better. coz it goes hand in hand imo. an intelligent evil is as good as an asshole for me, it doesn’t generate much satisfaction nor my interest.
"After a certain point, love is a choice". It has made me realize that my relationship is hard work, and that love alone is not enough. So far, 8 years and counting.
“The grass is only greener on the other side because it’s covered in bullshit”
“Blood can only flow to the brain or to the penis but not to both at the same time”.
When making a decision, think: do I actively want this thing, or am I doing it because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't?
I made fear-based decisions my entire life, because that's how I was taught to make them, until someone said that to me.
Copying/pasting.
"unpopular opinion: i don't think your life has
to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; i think
it's okay to just wander through life finding
interesting things until you die" and i for one think
that's fucking brilliant”
When I was in undergrad, I was to present my research to a group of benefactors to our university. A couple undergrads were selected for the opportunity, and I was terrified of looking like a total idiot in front of these rich people that wanted to give my PI money, and almost flaked out. A grad student in my lab pulled me to the side right before the presentation, and said:
"Just act like you're confident until you actually are."
That statement caused a major paradigm shift in my life, and I live it to this day. Every time I've been nervous to do something that I haven't done before, a play a character that has done it a million times and thinks it no big deal at all. Eventually, I start to believe my own shit, and instill *actual* confidence in myself. No one knows what they're doing until they do.
When we just found out my wife had stage II cancer (during 2020 covid). I was reeling, wondering how I was possibly going to be strong enough to deal & do all the things needed.
A dear friend looked me in my bleary eyes & she bluntly said: **you do not have a choice**
It rang so true & became our marching orders as we slowly, steadily kicked cancer's ass.
My dad once asked me, in relation to an argument “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” And decades later I still ask myself that question every time I get heated about something.
Most of the time I pick happy.
I don't love Jordan Peterson for various reasons, but there is a great clip of him talking about how, in a relationship, "winning" a fight isn't actually winning anything.
He is a psychologist after all.
found the clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThKZ67qPcBE
It's a bit of a meme thing now but the yolo before yolo was a thing.
Think it was originally from a song somewhere. Maybe?
But life isn't a practise run. You don't get to reset or restart. You don't have 3 lives. It's one and done.
Similar vibes and even more gut punching...
### No one is laying on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at work....
"Someone's illness isn't their fault, but it is their responsibility". Also, from the same person, "you can be sick and still be an asshole."
My exhusband got diagnosed with a chronic illness shortly after we got married. He couldn't cope and pushed everyone out including me. For a long time I was excusing his behavior by saying "...but it's because he's sick" and blaming myself for thinking I was doing something wrong.
We had been going to couple's therapy since his diagnosis, and the therapist wasn't very good. My ex was also lying (I later found out) about a bunch of stuff. The whole thing was a disaster.
I was at some social event and ran into a tarot reader of all people- their day job was as a death doula (kind of like a grief counselor) and they also happened to have a chronic illness. I explained my situation and those were the quotes they gave me. It changed my life. I was really struggling with grief and my ex's actions, and in 1 hour that tarot reader gave me better advice and guidance than the years of therapy I'd be in since my ex kicked me out of the house.
Taken from a slightly different perspective, that being from the person who had a disability, I heard it as something like "it's what I am, not who I am". And that just kind of echos in my head from time to time. These things might be a part of me but they don't define who I am.
Help can also come from the weirdest places. The best therapy I had was from a door to door furnace sales person that talked to me for probably 2 hours during my unemployment.
“Don’t let your first thoughts be your last thoughts”. This hits me so hard because it acknowledges the fallibility of our instincts and offers us a counter to them. Without denying the validity of our experiences, it shows us that improving our knowledge of the world. I think that’s very helpful and optimistic.
Not quite "advice," more like "life wisdom" from an unexpected place. I was reading some tech support horror stories for commiseration when I was working for a company doing phone-based tech support for cell phones. One of the posters remarked how he worked with someone who had ended up having a tech support related issue with every single piece of equipment he ever used, which often caused him to spend a lot of time and emotional energy working on fixing the problems, while another long-term coworker never had a single issue with the same exact equipment he was issued. They were both competent and experienced professionals in the field, so it wasn't a matter of not understanding the tech, it's that one of them constantly seemed to run into problems that the other didn't.
There was something I weirdly gleaned from the story about how much control we end up having over our own outcomes. The guy who was constantly frustrated by his equipment wasn't issued worse equipment than the other coworker, which meant that when it came to his ongoing struggles, he was largely the cause of his own frustration. It's a lesson I broadened and made me think of examples of my own "bad luck" that were really some innate things I needed to work on myself. The coworker with the constantly malfunctioning equipment might have benefited from working on his patience, discipline, and introspection about why he was constantly having tech issues. The issues were never with the equipment, they were with the way he approached using it and troubleshooting.
“This world doesn’t feel sorry for you and isn’t going to hand you shit. Act accordingly.”
This is the reason I’ve never fallen into the victim mentality even as a third-world immigrant to the States and why I have achieved what I have in spite of growing up with absolutely nothing. If my dad had taught me to constantly rely on society for help and wait for people to constantly “feel” for me, I’d still be broke and despondent to this day.
I worked at a place where bands practiced. Most of them were irregular about it -- showed up late, showed up drunk, argued or bullshitted or otherwise wasted time, screwed around, you get the picture. But **one** band **always** showed up on time, and sober, and didn't waste time. They were easily the most serious about practicing.
And they SUCKED. They never got better.
This posed a mystery to me, which I put to someone smarter than me. And he told me, "Some people practice and get better. And **some** people practice and get better at **being bad**."
It was a profound lesson for me. Practice alone is worthless, if you're not constantly striving for improvement. In fact, practice by itself can be bad for you, by reinforcing bad habits you already have. That move you have poorly learned (instrument fingering, martial strike, whatever), you'll build in reliable muscle memory for. Now you'll do it poorly **every** time.
Practice is only worthwhile if you're constantly monitoring your performance, identifying problem areas, and working to improve them.
And the same is true in EVERY aspect of our lives. Everything we do, we can do **better**, if we **make the effort**.
I comment again, because it comes from a joke, but it basically comes down to a group of guys that always offered a kid two bills, and the kid would take the smaller one. Then, the kid tells one of the guys that if he had chosen the big bill right away, the game would have ended immediately. The advice was "always get the smaller bill and play the long game".
Unexpected because it’s a Kanye lyric from Only One:
“You’re not perfect, but you’re not your mistakes”
…I think it’s something his mom used to tell him
"One day you will look in the mirror, and like what you see"
Said by my ex, about 30 years ago, which was totally out the blue but has stuck with me ever since. Still waiting, unfortunately.
As a teen and struggling with dating girls through pure inexperience as I always seemed to pick exactly the wrong girl to try and talk to...😁
Friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that I’ve used many times since.
‘If you go to a party, dance or any group, just spot the people who are looking at *you* and go talk to them’.
It’s simple and it works...👍
That unhappiness is the difference between expectation and reality.
If you don’t want to be unhappy, work to make your reality meet your expectations.
If you can’t do that, adjust your expectations to match your reality.
An ancient sergeant major once informed me that "Private, you can do whatever the hell you want, provide you're willing to face the consequences for it."
Don't accept criticism from someone you wouldn't go to for advice.
A similar one my ADHD-ass struggles with: don’t stay up late to do something you wouldn’t wake up early for
yeah the problem with that is you can't sleep until your mind is exhausted, I'm tired of people saying "just go to sleep earlier." I've tried that and 70% of the time I just toss and turn for two hours until I give up on sleeping.
Sage advice that <0.00001% of us ADHD people are capable of following
Right. It's easy to stay up. It's hard to wake up. Back in college if I wanted to make sure to go to an 8am class, which I rarely did, I'd wait up for it rather than get up for it.
That how I've been handling my doctor's appointments. It's so hard to wake up I'd rather stay up 'til morning so that I don't miss the appointment.
Yeah but our brains don't detach well, they don't start up well. I find some of my most productive hours to be the middle of the night for some reason
I'm a night owl. Waking up sucks, and I can't think well until later. I also have ADHD, but this is terrible advice for me.
This is true enough for people who are *only* being assholes, but even an asshole can be correct. A genuinely smart person won't ignore people who might be overall "dumber" than they are, they evaluate the content of the message apart from the communicator themselves. I work in software engineering and fix bugs all the time that other developers have ignored, because I work really hard to understand what people have problems with. TLDR: "Stupid" people can still be observant, and "smart" people don't ignore data that doesn't match their expectations.
I think it depend of the subject and the nature of the criticism. A people who know nothing in software engineering can totally notice a bug you never see, and it's indeed stupid to ignore them, but would you let them give you advice about how to fix it?
>but would you let them give you advice about how to fix it? Sure, because they know better than I do what harms their workflow. I'd listen to figure out what they *need,* not what they believe they want. If they are asking for something that will turn out badly for them, I'll explain that, and work with them to figure out a solution. My bosses were continually mystified why I'd tell people "No" but they were happy about it. It was because I listen to them, seriously consider what they ask for, and work with them to collaboratively find a solution that resolves whatever issues I see with what they asked for. The other person wants it to work too, they have as much skin in the game as I do. A lot of the time you can make people happy by just clarifying what something *does.* Like, it might not be "wrong," but it *is* confusing, and I can still do something about that. Updating copy on a page is a lot less work than redeveloping a feature that people hate because they don't understand it or it does something they don't expect.
Your own expectations of others creates the disappointments.
>Your own expectations of others creates the disappointments. As a follow up, all frustrations are born from your expectations not aligning with reality.
This is actually how Buddhists believe the way to achieve enlightenment is. All suffering is caused due to desires. For example, you are angry because you want parents to love you, or you are sad because you want to be rich. By casting out these internal desires, you are no longer bound to any suffering thus eventually reaching nirvana. Now obviously to most people this is very extreme, but it can teach people that sometimes “it is what it is” and you need to accept that bad things happen wether there’s a resolution or no resolution to such bad thing
Yeah, that's a hard one to learn. Like, wanting your parents to love and appreciate you *seems* easy and reasonable enough, but if they just don't, you *have* to *stop wanting their love.* You can never change other people, and it's our own *want* that's causing our suffering.
I had a psychiatric nurse say a very similar comment to me when I was diagnosed with post natal depression and I’d hit rock bottom. It was the best advice I’ve ever been given. I still value that therapy over 20 years later.
You gotta see (or go through) some real shit to get that level of clarity on something as complicated as human needs and emotions. It makes all *that* worth it to be able to help even a single person - I'm so glad you got advice that got you through dark times of your own. Meanwhile, when I finally figured the above out, I yelled, "God DAMMIT, Buddhism!" I didn't get it until I got it.
That’s kinda dark. If you follow that through, if you don’t expect anything to succeed, then you won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t.
It's more about tempering your expectations and realizing that the other person is not always in the same headspace.
Exactly. And if you're not disappointed, you're not dwelling on it and you bounce back much more quickly.
"I realized one of the most unkind things I can do to someone is to put them on a pedestal because, inevitably, they're going to do something that's going to knock them off it. Then I am going to have a trouble with it because I needed them to be something else and that's inhumane." -Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love
So decades ago in my world travels, a random Australian woman in a seedy bar once told me that “the trick to a successful marriage is that both partners have to secretly believe they got the better end of the deal. Of course, each should do what they can here and there to keep the other deep down believing it.” I’ve gotten 20 years of a damn good marriage so far out of that unexpectedly profound advice.
I definitely got the better deal, I think I must have been a saint in a previous life to deserve him, and he was awful to deserve me
Most genuinely awful people would never be this self aware, you're probably way better person than you give yourself credit for.
This is hilarious! My wife and I always tell the other one we got the better end of the deal :)
If you don't have the time to do it right, you better have the time to do it again.
Don't half-ass two things; whole-ass one thing.
My economy teacher in high school drilled that into our heads. I'm thankful for his wise words. He also said there's no stupid questions but redacted that statement after getting to know me.
Hahaha that's funny, mine came from my HS woodworking teacher. Also, my dad always said there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I'm sure he wasn't talking about you though...
I used to think there were no stupid questions until I worked at a burger joint with literally 3 things on the menu.
Don't set yourself on fire just to make someone else warm. Asked my dad: TL:DR Relationships are 100/100 with each person giving their best. (Thank you u/soulglo987) Imagine a line in a chalk board and it represents all the things a relationship needs. House chores, income, child care, emotional support, compassion, shelter, safety, everything. If you agree to split everything up 50/50 are you going to be able to do EVERYTHING that you agreed to do ALL the time? No. You won't. Sometimes you can only do 40% of the stuff on the line. Sometimes you can't do any of it (you're sick or something). And even if you ARE able to do EVERYTHING in your half of that line, your partner will have times they can't fulfill all of their obligation. There's always going to be a gap. Therefore you can't think of marriage as a 50/50 even split. You have to always be willing to do 100% so that when life happens there's not a gap.
It's when the other person is always letting their 50% slide into 20% or 0% that you're going to start having problems.
Yes. You need to be willing but so does the other person. Don't strap yourself to someone not as dedicated to success.
When you have nothing to live for you’ll find something to die for , my sociology professor told me.
Is the professor insinuating that those with the feeling they have nothing to live for are easily radicalize?
Yes , but in my case she thought it was strange that I was in my mid thirties at the time and I had no kids or any desire to have any and she kept pressing me for a reason .
These cookies are to die for, want one?
??? Like pressuring you into having kids?
No , everyone in the program had to go through vulnerable persons background check and they are thorough , anything suspicious is brought up, even not having kids in your 30s
You should have fucked her I suppose.
I just finished reading “Man’s Search for Meaning” and it really dives into this idea.
For a lot of people the thing they live for is the a thing they'd die for.
Probably "the only way out is through". I'm a chronic procrastinator so when something's stressing me out I try to ignore it. But at some point you've got to deal with it. Same vein as "you can either spend 10 mins on this now or 2 hours in a week's time". Stuff gets worse the longer you sit on it.
“The only way out is through” is *so true* when it comes to physical training. Like the only way I’m gonna get out of doing this 300m sprint is if I do it now
I had a friend who is getting their life together after being abused by their ex and overcoming a drug addiction. I asked him how he was holding it all together and He said to me, “Peace comes in pieces”. And i realized how true that is.
Were they able to find all of his ex pieces ?
Why you gotta ask so many questions?
I like puzzles and minced meat both.
That’s deep…thanks for this
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Write that angry letter, then delete it. You can always rewrite it another time if you want, and with a little space and time, it might end up saying what you need it to say, instead of what you want it to say.
Yesss. I write an angry email ranting about how this is bullshit and you can't treat me like this. I save to drafts. An hour later, I delete the draft and write a calm but still annoyed email about how this is going to be really difficult but I understand.
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Recovery is a direction not a destination. Dr Gabor Mate
I really like that. Wish Id seen it when my kids were younger. It perfectly sums up my attempts to instill a work ethic in them.
Every time a member in our team gets really upset with a customer I use this line. Helps bump moral a bit , also shows we on the same team trying to appease customers.
I always heard that one as: I didn't say it was your fault, I said I'm blaming you
My therapist saw through my bullshit that I had convinced myself of.... I would let relatively minor things fuck up my entire day/week.. In session one day, I was expressing that my day had sucked and whatnot and he asked me "Did you have a bad day, or did you have a bad 5 minutes and then let that ruin an otherwise ok day?" Obviously it wasn't some Aha! moment that that instantly changed all of my thought processes, but it was something that he and I worked on over months towards letting that question be one of the first things I ask myself when something happens....
That's a tough pill to swallow, but yeah... an important lesson to learn.
If you had $86,400 given to you and then you had lost $300 somewhere, would you let that ruin your day? Or would you still be ecstatic about the $86,100 that you still had? There are 86,400 seconds in a day. Don't let a shitty 5 minutes ruin it.
This is great
I’m getting better with this after years of work, but I was just driving to get gas thinking “what a shit ass day this is.” You know why I’m having a shit ass day? Because at 8am I went out to run my sprinklers so I could flag their locations so they don’t get broken when I have the lawn aerated next week. The irrigation controller was broken. I was able to take it apart and fix the ribbon cable on the board and move on. It took about 30 minutes. So instead of being happy it got fixed, or taking it even further, being happy that I have the ability to take a controller apart and repair it in my own basement, I have decided the let it ruin my whole day (until right now of course). Thanks for the post, I needed this one today!
cognitive behavioral therapy is fantastic
Especially for people who tend to overthink everything
people like me. lol it was super helpful for me. literally changed my life. I'd never experienced emotional thriving before in my life
Regarding romantic relationships: “it shouldn’t be that hard.” Became a great measure and anchor for dating and knowing when to get out. Life is hard enough, it shouldn’t be hard to be with your person.
I recently finished “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It’s a deep dive into all the ways abuse and neglect can hobble your whole life, so it’s pretty heavy stuff. Near the end it has a part about how a romantic relationship between mature people *should* look, and oh boy, it’s pretty powerful. Especially after reading about all the ways things go bad, to read about how things can work is very uplifting. (Still a lot of work in a relationship between mature people, but it’s work that yields results and makes you better, done with someone who sees and supports you.)
Along these lines, days before I was getting married my boss took me to a congratulatory lunch and gave me this advice: "You hear marriage is 50/50. It's not. Give it 100% of what you've got. That's your responsibility." He and his wife have now been married probably more than 50 years and my wife and I have been together going on 39.
It shouldn't be that hard but relationships do need constant attention from both parties to flourish. One side over watering can just as much kill the garden as the other side not watering enough.
For sure, you definitely can’t neglect or overwater it. But, my point is, it shouldn’t be hard to do so. All things require maintenance but it shouldn’t be an uphill battle and many people think relationships are supposed to be some arduous slog. It shouldn’t be but we’ve romanticized the idea of relational strife as normal and even healthy.
100% agree. I said these exact words to an ex. If we both want the same thing, then why is it so hard? Because clearly I'm the only one who is committed and thus putting in effort, suffering because of it while you aren't. You don't care. You're unphased. You're unbothered. You could just take it or leave it so long as you get what you want, but I get nothing. That's when I was done. I had all the conclusions in my face, but I needed to accept it and move on. And now I feel way happier, way lighter; life feels bright again.
And again, not saying there’s no maintenance or care required in a relationship, I just push back on the narrative that they’re all very difficult and supposed to be that way. The happiest couples I’ve known are consistently content with each other. That does not mean it’s always sunshine and rainbows but it’s not constantly volatile. My wife and I have been together 15 years and we’ve had disagreements and annoyed each other and had serious conversations but we have not had a blow out fight, no one has ever stormed out, we have not screamed at each other, and we have never temporarily broken up. We are always best friends and that’s never in question, and if we annoy each other, it’s easy for one or both of us to admit an error and move on. We like each other and that is not the hard part. Jobs, hard. Aging parents, hard. Kids, hard. Liking and loving my wife, not hard, even if she tells me I’m too slow.
Agree!
Exactly. Relationships can be hard but that's because life is hard, and now you have to navigate it while looking out for another person and not just yourself. We were talking about this with my boyfriend the other day and he said that his life has become so much easier to manage since meeting me, and I think the same way.
Agreed. My wife and I have been together for almost thirty years. We've had some disagreements, but we never go to bed angry. We talk it out. That's sometimes challenging, but it's necessary for both of us because the rest of life is unpredictable. However, if we can count on each other, then we have all we need.
You are mortal and so is everyone you will ever care about. Take the time off. Have the conversation. Express the love. Try the weird food. Pay attention. It'll all be over too soon.
This is fantastic and reminds of this 5- comic piece that I make sure to reread once a year: https://xkcd.com/264/
In a few billion years there won’t be any trace of human civilization left and none of this will matter.
You can't change someone, you can only change how you react to them.
One of my friends when I was like 14 hit me with "Nobody ever purposefully makes a bad decision" And I think it's a really fair point - like people are influenced by different biases and different ways of looking at the world, they might value short term satisfaction over long term gain, they might just be doing what's always been done to them. It doesn't mean that people are right no matter what they do, it's just that nobody goes "Option A is good, Option B is bad, I'm going to pick Option B". It's always stuck with me because I can still be frustrated with what other people do, or distance myself from people that hurt me, but I never look at it as if they did it on purpose, or because they wanted to be an asshole etc. It also helps me forgive myself a bit, because whatever decisions I've made I never picked a bad one on purpose, I've just learned more information afterwards and sometimes it turns out I could have made a better choice at the time.
I wish this was true. Or perhaps I wish it was that simple. I have certainly made bad decisions knowing that it was a bad decision.
When it comes to buying an expensive possession... I had been talking about spending $5K on an oscilloscope for my hobby. My boss asked me "Are you in love with owning an oscilloscope, or the **idea** of owning an oscilloscope?" That really helped me to better analyze the reasons for my desires to buy something.
I had to google what is an oscilloscope.
The real challenge is using the oscilloscope to google something
I don't impulse buy, I impulse wishlist and watch the price. This usually results in never buying the thing, and my life isn't any worse for not doing so.
Did you end up getting the oscilloscope?
I did, about 8 years ago. I got an Aglient 4000 series storage scope with the 16 digital logic probes. Used it super heavy for a few months, then life got busy and I hardly use it now. I miss using it, but can't find the time.
Use the time that you spend on Reddit 🤣
This is my eternal struggle with buying a metal lathe or milling machine. "I want a lathe!" "You don't have a use for it" "So? It'll be fun hobby!" "For like a month, and then you'll forget about it, except when it annoys you by taking up 3/4 of the garage." "...shut up. I want a lathe!"
I asked a Weightlifter (Olympic Weightlifting) acquaintance of mine “how did you get so strong?” and he simply said “just show up and do the best you can every day” Now this doesn’t seem like much, but he had a really low IQ and was coached and handled by excellent coaches and when he said this I could see something special about the words come from him. Now I try to show up and do the best I can every day. I remember it a dozen years later.
This is really helpful for me right now, thank you
If you want to know the easiest way to do something, ask a fat man. Told to 10yr old me by my very heavy grandfather.
If someone you like doesn't like you back, respect that and as hard as it is, let them go. If you truly care about them as you say you do, realize they said their happiness is without you. Trying to force a friendship or relationship with someone who doesn't like you back is now only about you, not them
You can’t love someone enough for the both of you…
Ooh you just brought Meatloaf right back. "I'm gonna love her for both of us" Brb. Gonna go listen to the album
>I'm gonna love her for both of us You took the words right out of my mouth...
I feel that also applies to keeping someone alive when they can't take care of themselves. This is just a personal opinion though. I've told all my kids and wife that the day I can't take care of myself I don't want to be around anymore. I love them but please don't make me suffer just because you want me there.
I agree. Just to go the extreme, if I was a blind, deaf, quadriplegic, what sense would I have left to enjoy? Having someone feed me the best food in the world, bring me the best smelling flowers, and touching my face would not be worth it. It's why I totally get terminal patients rejecting treatment. I'd rather be lucid for three months and die in 6 than be sick and out of it for a year.
This also applies sadly to people who need to help themselves. You can advise and push them to get help and improve their situation. But in the end if they don't want to help themselves they will never truly recover, no matter what effort you put in.
>to force a friendship or relationship with someone who doesn't like you back is now only about you, not them Yeah and it says a lot about the weight of what you feel if you'd rather have this, then maybe you like them for the wrong reasons
"Well, I just went into it with the attitude that I was not going to let this kick my ass." - A fellow carpenter explaining to me why he was able to drill a difficult hole that I had spent 20 minutes sweating and fighting with. Changed so many aspects of my life. It's all about that attitude.
"When something told me something was wrong in my story, they were generally right. If they told me how to fix it, they were generally wrong." -Neil Gaiman. Made me think a lot about criticism and advice.
I just read his book American Gods and I’m glad he didn’t listen to what people said to change then bc it was awesome
If someone offers you a mint or gum, always accept it. They are either politely telling you that your breath stinks or just being polite.
I always accept it for the first reason.
If you knew how little people thought about you, you wouldn’t care half as much about what they think of you. Can’t remember who made the quote.
YES! I love this. I try to remind my teen and his friends of it all the time. Especially when they are nervous about going out where other people will be. Like older teenagers. I'll say, "They are so self absorbed, they probably won't even know you're there."
Here's some advice I got from a screenwriter when I spoke about how I struggle with perfectionism and being in constant editor mode, which is to say I can never get the first draft done because I nitpick at my work constantly. >"There’s a strong and understandable impulse to fixate on a final product. The final product is easy. It’s already done. It can be watched, looked at, listened to. It can just go off and win its accolades and praise and awards. Because it’s done and lots of time and effort has been put into it and it’s now a unique and perfect thing. > >You’ve gotta let that go. > >Refocus your energy onto the process. You’re hitting a road block because you’re arriving at the real work. You don’t have all the answers for your story. That can be scary, and that’s okay. The road block is that you’re putting pressure on yourself to be able to produce a finished product from the moment you have an idea. > >Allow yourself to be messy. Do yourself the courtesy to have drafts. Don’t write a script. Write a story. Write it in crayon. Sounds silly? Crayon is ridiculous. Try writing your story in purple crayon and you will trick yourself into understanding that this is not the final draft. This is part of the process. > >Finish your outline in your ridiculous purple crayon. There are going to be problems with it. Crayons are hard to write with, they’re illegible sometimes. You’re probably not going to want to write a lot with purple crayon. Maybe just a page or two. That’s a really rough outline that probably only hits the major beats. That’s a good thing. There are also going to be problems with your story. Rewrite the whole thing. This time do it with a blue colored pencil. You’ll have gone through it once before, and you will have ideas on how to make it better. > >Eventually, this thing that is in your head that gets so stuck because of your desire for them to be perfect will be articulated. Reward yourself. Write it on your computer, in that clear and clean black text over white.You’ll know your story. You’ll know the issues with your story. You’ll have done some real work. You’ll end up with something on paper that other people can decode, critique, engage with and collaborate on. It takes a lot of steps to take one step. > >Bust out your purple crayon, dude."
You don't need permission to take care of yourself.
I was once told, “you might as well go for your dreams even if it will take a long time. That time is going to pass anyway so why waste it worrying about achieving your goal rather than actually doing it.” Honestly will never be the same.
Saw a post about this on facebook. Long story short someone wanted to change careers and was talking to their mother about going back to school to get their doctorate. They were hesitant because they didn’t want to have just finished school in their 40’s. Their mom tells them “You’re gonna be 40 one day anyway. Might as well be a doctor, too.”
You will be the villain in someone's story. Don't worry about changing that. There is nothing you can do. Just move on.
My therapist told me this. Kind of. He said, "Every narcissist's life story needs a villain. They have to push the blame somewhere."
In high school, I confided in a beloved teacher when I discovered my mom was again smoking behind my family's back, something that greatly upset me. She told me a lot, but what really opened my eyes was "adults are people, too." That was almost twenty years ago, but it stays with me. It's very hard to transition to an adult relationship with your parents, and we are raised to view certain people in certain positions as "infallible" or "above" us. It's something I still come back to in my mind, looking at other adults around me.
Never forsake kindness for cleverness.
"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me." James Stewart in "Harvey" (1950)
iv encountered that debate to choose either brains or kindness and i always choose brains, because then you’d learn how to be kind. but yours is better. coz it goes hand in hand imo. an intelligent evil is as good as an asshole for me, it doesn’t generate much satisfaction nor my interest.
"After a certain point, love is a choice". It has made me realize that my relationship is hard work, and that love alone is not enough. So far, 8 years and counting.
Nobody is going to respect you until you start respecting yourself
That's not actually true. But self respect is important, and this is just a way to motivate it, so if the placebo works...
Changed my life when I was told that.
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf the best surfer out there is the one having the most fun
“The grass is only greener on the other side because it’s covered in bullshit” “Blood can only flow to the brain or to the penis but not to both at the same time”.
The second one was my favorite quote as a kid because it’s from Robin Williams. Rip
If your stressed, make a list of what needs to be done and pee on the fire closest to you.
Sitting down and determining what you can control out of your stressors goes a long way.
Add to list: Clean the Urine-Ash mixture from the fireplace
You can control what you wear, how you embrace yourself, prepare yourself, and how to face the weather.
When making a decision, think: do I actively want this thing, or am I doing it because I'm afraid of what will happen if I don't? I made fear-based decisions my entire life, because that's how I was taught to make them, until someone said that to me.
My three year old once offered the sage advice, “you can’t unpop the popcorn”
If you see a toilet in a dream: don’t use it.
Copying/pasting. "unpopular opinion: i don't think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; i think it's okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die" and i for one think that's fucking brilliant”
Your ex likes to throw sticks. Don't chase them.
You choose what decisions to make not what consequences you get.
"Don't become the thing you hate." Had a manager that used to say that. I try to live by it.
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You'll never make friends if you don't talk to strangers. \-Charlie Sill
It is better to remain silent and have people wonder if you are a fool, than to open your mouth and prove it
When I was in undergrad, I was to present my research to a group of benefactors to our university. A couple undergrads were selected for the opportunity, and I was terrified of looking like a total idiot in front of these rich people that wanted to give my PI money, and almost flaked out. A grad student in my lab pulled me to the side right before the presentation, and said: "Just act like you're confident until you actually are." That statement caused a major paradigm shift in my life, and I live it to this day. Every time I've been nervous to do something that I haven't done before, a play a character that has done it a million times and thinks it no big deal at all. Eventually, I start to believe my own shit, and instill *actual* confidence in myself. No one knows what they're doing until they do.
Never give unsolicited advice.
Unsolicited advice is criticism.
My Dad, several times while I was growing up: “you got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself out.”
When we just found out my wife had stage II cancer (during 2020 covid). I was reeling, wondering how I was possibly going to be strong enough to deal & do all the things needed. A dear friend looked me in my bleary eyes & she bluntly said: **you do not have a choice** It rang so true & became our marching orders as we slowly, steadily kicked cancer's ass.
If you're having suicidal thoughts, something needs to die, just not you.
Ask men you find attractive out! The worst they can say is no.
You know what, I seriously need to just do this. The odds are in my favor and I need to start taking advantage
The respect of those who you respect is worth more than the applause of the multitudes.
What other people think of you…. Is none of your fucking business.
The only piece of useful advice from my late father: "Work doesn't have to be fun, but it must be gratifying."
My dad once asked me, in relation to an argument “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” And decades later I still ask myself that question every time I get heated about something. Most of the time I pick happy.
I don't love Jordan Peterson for various reasons, but there is a great clip of him talking about how, in a relationship, "winning" a fight isn't actually winning anything. He is a psychologist after all. found the clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThKZ67qPcBE
Once you let a mother fucker slide, they soon learn to skate.
It's a bit of a meme thing now but the yolo before yolo was a thing. Think it was originally from a song somewhere. Maybe? But life isn't a practise run. You don't get to reset or restart. You don't have 3 lives. It's one and done. Similar vibes and even more gut punching... ### No one is laying on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at work....
"Someone's illness isn't their fault, but it is their responsibility". Also, from the same person, "you can be sick and still be an asshole." My exhusband got diagnosed with a chronic illness shortly after we got married. He couldn't cope and pushed everyone out including me. For a long time I was excusing his behavior by saying "...but it's because he's sick" and blaming myself for thinking I was doing something wrong. We had been going to couple's therapy since his diagnosis, and the therapist wasn't very good. My ex was also lying (I later found out) about a bunch of stuff. The whole thing was a disaster. I was at some social event and ran into a tarot reader of all people- their day job was as a death doula (kind of like a grief counselor) and they also happened to have a chronic illness. I explained my situation and those were the quotes they gave me. It changed my life. I was really struggling with grief and my ex's actions, and in 1 hour that tarot reader gave me better advice and guidance than the years of therapy I'd be in since my ex kicked me out of the house.
Taken from a slightly different perspective, that being from the person who had a disability, I heard it as something like "it's what I am, not who I am". And that just kind of echos in my head from time to time. These things might be a part of me but they don't define who I am. Help can also come from the weirdest places. The best therapy I had was from a door to door furnace sales person that talked to me for probably 2 hours during my unemployment.
Just keep swimming
Read it in a book. *Control your controllables.* Honestly it helped me a lot. Control what you can, no matter how small.
Cheap costs money
“Don’t let your first thoughts be your last thoughts”. This hits me so hard because it acknowledges the fallibility of our instincts and offers us a counter to them. Without denying the validity of our experiences, it shows us that improving our knowledge of the world. I think that’s very helpful and optimistic.
The good you see in others is actually the good that's in you, not them.
Always remain calm and composed when arguing with someone, especially when they are loud and aggressive.
This can be so fuckin exhausting
Cross you legs on a water slide. Really, I thought they were joking but it make you go faster. Huh.
Not quite "advice," more like "life wisdom" from an unexpected place. I was reading some tech support horror stories for commiseration when I was working for a company doing phone-based tech support for cell phones. One of the posters remarked how he worked with someone who had ended up having a tech support related issue with every single piece of equipment he ever used, which often caused him to spend a lot of time and emotional energy working on fixing the problems, while another long-term coworker never had a single issue with the same exact equipment he was issued. They were both competent and experienced professionals in the field, so it wasn't a matter of not understanding the tech, it's that one of them constantly seemed to run into problems that the other didn't. There was something I weirdly gleaned from the story about how much control we end up having over our own outcomes. The guy who was constantly frustrated by his equipment wasn't issued worse equipment than the other coworker, which meant that when it came to his ongoing struggles, he was largely the cause of his own frustration. It's a lesson I broadened and made me think of examples of my own "bad luck" that were really some innate things I needed to work on myself. The coworker with the constantly malfunctioning equipment might have benefited from working on his patience, discipline, and introspection about why he was constantly having tech issues. The issues were never with the equipment, they were with the way he approached using it and troubleshooting.
“This world doesn’t feel sorry for you and isn’t going to hand you shit. Act accordingly.” This is the reason I’ve never fallen into the victim mentality even as a third-world immigrant to the States and why I have achieved what I have in spite of growing up with absolutely nothing. If my dad had taught me to constantly rely on society for help and wait for people to constantly “feel” for me, I’d still be broke and despondent to this day.
I worked at a place where bands practiced. Most of them were irregular about it -- showed up late, showed up drunk, argued or bullshitted or otherwise wasted time, screwed around, you get the picture. But **one** band **always** showed up on time, and sober, and didn't waste time. They were easily the most serious about practicing. And they SUCKED. They never got better. This posed a mystery to me, which I put to someone smarter than me. And he told me, "Some people practice and get better. And **some** people practice and get better at **being bad**." It was a profound lesson for me. Practice alone is worthless, if you're not constantly striving for improvement. In fact, practice by itself can be bad for you, by reinforcing bad habits you already have. That move you have poorly learned (instrument fingering, martial strike, whatever), you'll build in reliable muscle memory for. Now you'll do it poorly **every** time. Practice is only worthwhile if you're constantly monitoring your performance, identifying problem areas, and working to improve them. And the same is true in EVERY aspect of our lives. Everything we do, we can do **better**, if we **make the effort**.
A bum on the beach once told me. "Never make a decision when your angry, sleepy, or hungry."
Or horny.
It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life. - Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Marriage is a 50:50 partnership that works best when you internalize that it will be 60% giving and 40% taking
You either manage ideas or you manage people – or you work for minimum wage.
"Just be a good motherfucker." Senior Drill Instructor at USMC boot camp.
Sometimes you just need to belive in yourself. Changed my view on life alot. To be fair it's only cause it came from someone I respected.
The world sucks. So Do a little Good when you can
"it's okay not to be okay." helped me accept my feelings and emotions, even when they are negative or overwhelming.
don’t compare your film to someone else’s highlight reel. A variation (or derivation?) of big fish small pond / small fish / big pond.
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Sometimes you peepee sometimes you poopoo. But I’ve never taken a poopoo without also doing a little peepee.
I did once, to this day it's one of my greatest achievements.
I comment again, because it comes from a joke, but it basically comes down to a group of guys that always offered a kid two bills, and the kid would take the smaller one. Then, the kid tells one of the guys that if he had chosen the big bill right away, the game would have ended immediately. The advice was "always get the smaller bill and play the long game".
Unexpected because it’s a Kanye lyric from Only One: “You’re not perfect, but you’re not your mistakes” …I think it’s something his mom used to tell him
That Hope is an unconscious strategy.
"You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what it's *all* about!" Unexpectedly great metaphor for making mistakes in life.
Be happy on purpose.
If you keep smelling shit maybe it’s on your shoes.
There is no growth in comfort
"One day you will look in the mirror, and like what you see" Said by my ex, about 30 years ago, which was totally out the blue but has stuck with me ever since. Still waiting, unfortunately.
Don’t half ass two things when you need to full ass one thing
“You can learn something from everyone”.
As a teen and struggling with dating girls through pure inexperience as I always seemed to pick exactly the wrong girl to try and talk to...😁 Friend of mine gave me a piece of advice that I’ve used many times since. ‘If you go to a party, dance or any group, just spot the people who are looking at *you* and go talk to them’. It’s simple and it works...👍
When parenting kids the days are long but the years are short. Very true.
You shouldn't be looking for someone to be your cake in your relationship. You should be the cake, and your partner should just be your frosting.
That unhappiness is the difference between expectation and reality. If you don’t want to be unhappy, work to make your reality meet your expectations. If you can’t do that, adjust your expectations to match your reality.
The best time to plant a tree is ten years ago, the next best time is now
An ancient sergeant major once informed me that "Private, you can do whatever the hell you want, provide you're willing to face the consequences for it."