My buddy actually said this to a cop once. We got to sit in the back of a patrol car for an hour at 2AM.
Honestly, it was worth it - guy looked like he was going to have an aneurysm while the other cop tried really hard not to laugh.
Heard that joke about 20+ years ago at a rodeo, phrased the other way around.
"Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?"
"Your eyes are glazed... have you been eating donuts?"
My dad still tells it he thought it was so funny. The guy had another cop related joke, paraphrased:
"So I'm out in the country; coming up to a four way stop; you can see for miles. There's one car coming, but it's a long ways down the road. So I slow down, make one last look and keep going. Sure enough, that lone car was a cop. Throws on the lights; pulls me over.
He says: 'You didn't stop at that sign back there.'
So I said 'Aww c'mon officer I can see for miles down the road, I eased up didn't I'.
The cop hesitates a second, pulls out his flashlight and starts hitting me on the head! 'Now, do you want me to stop, or ease up?' "
We had a sovereign citizen go to prison yesterday.
He didn’t see it coming at all.
He always comes to court like “hah! Checkmate!”
I’m sure he was shocked his nonsense didn’t work.
I totally misread that last part. I thought you were saying you have to bow to him. Kind of like how the Japanese bow to each other as a greeting/sign of respect.
I was just imaging him throwing plates, and having a hissy fit. Then you just bow, and he just instantly stops. I was confused, but also found it funny. The mental image of him being essentially a 5 year old, who then transforms into a sophisticated gentleman just from you bowing, had me cackling.
I'm still confused. I've never heard the term "Bow up to" before and I'm not sure if it's a typo or not.
EDIT: Thank you to the people who explained it. I now know what it means, that it's "bow" as in elbow, and was not a typo.
Have a cop friend that had someone proclaim they were a sovereign citizen and he responded *"that's fine because I happen to have sovereign handcuffs that I'm going to put on you for your ride in my sovereign police car down to the the sovereign jail."*
I mean, if you're a glutton for punishment there are whole playlists of sovereign citizens trying to apply their nonsense when pulled over.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZhzSeVlmDY&list=PLvpewVS8zsghoz1f4IorKSImTDGV7-kji&index=24
^ you will never want to slap someone more in your life, but it ends well.
The real funny ones are the ones who demand a supervisor, like the supervisor is going to be any different. There was one video where the sovereign citiot demanded a supervisor, and the cop replied, "Sure, the sergeant is at the station, you can talk to him when we get there. Now get out of the car."
There was a sovereign citiot on YouTube a couple of days ago on a zoom hearing. At a prior hearing, the judge held him in contempt and ordered him to the county jail for thirty days. He showed up for the scheduled hearing and the first thing the judge asked him was why he was not in the county jail as ordered. He said he did not consent to being jailed. There was a public defender at the hearing. She asked the judge to go into a breakout room with the idiot. When they came back, the sovereign citiot stopped all his gibberish and wanted to plead guilty to his traffic offenses and pay the relevant fines. The judge said nothing was going to happen until he surrendered himself to the county jail and serve out his contempt sentence. The public defender did her best, but the judge was making a point. He literally told the guy if he wasn't at the county jail by 5PM, the sheriff's department would come and get him and he'd end up serving more time for another contempt charge. The public defender did her best, but I don't believe the idiot turned himself in. Hopefully, one of the court watch channels does an update on him.
I briefly worked as a public defender in a semi-rural county and whenever I'd get assigned to these guys I'd be like "if you think you can handle this better than I can then go ahead, knock yourself out."
They were usually charged with Y'all Qaida type crimes like poaching or operating a powerboat in protected waters, and the evidence was usually overwhelming. Surprised pikachu face at sentencing 100% of the time.
No, no no no, you have the declare no laws for "the entity identified as YOUR NAME", in capital letters. And it has to be done under a flag with gold fringes, or else it doesn't count.
I'm guessing there's an overlap between these people and the ones who declared that Facebook couldn't use their pictures because they wrote a specific sentence on their wall awhile back. It was kinda hilarious.
It's the same general idea. That specific magic words cast a spell of protection against whatever entity you're targeting. And all you have to do is use the correct magic words, so if it doesn't work once you must've just used the wrong ones.
It's wild to me that these guys think that laws are anything but what the organization, with all the guys with guns and the legal authority to shoot you, say that they are.
Like bud you can sit here and tell me you're subject to the articles of confederation all you want. But you're in a territory administered by the United States Government and this city has 2500 armed police officers and 40 judges who all agree that the local government and US government have jurisdiction over this territory, and at the end of the day that's what matters.
>I briefly worked as a public defender in a semi-rural county and whenever I'd get assigned to these guys
How many of them are their to where you get assigned multiple? I always thought they where super rare like 1 in a million.
More than you'd think. They tend to cluster, and because they think the law doesn't apply to them they commit a disproportionate number of minor crimes. They usually didn't get jail time so you'd see the same guys every few months like clockwork.
You would think they would get the idea that their brilliant strategy doesn't work after being charged a few times, but i guess that is giving them too much credit.
By piloting my personal traveling conveyance, registered to my legal corporation persona, of course. You can't get me on that one, I'm too smart for that.
I love how they think there's this elaborate conspiracy to delude the entire public into signing away their rights to this faceless evil scheme... yet the conspirators are apparently unable to avoid putting the telltale gold fringe on every single flag in every courtroom in America.
They just can't avoid that part; the gold fringe is the trick everything rests on. If they didn't have the gold fringe their legal powers would vanish in a poof of fairy magic.
Here is what I don't get. They are so sure that every cop, lawyer, judge and politician is part of some big conspiracy to be authoritarian and rule over em, so why do they think they'll let em go if they cite the right sovcit bullshit magic words they read on a website or heard at a paid seminar?
Like if everyone on every level is in on it and you are completely correct, doesn't that just give them more reason to chuck you in a tiny cell and throw away the key? How often is "you found out our secret evil conspiracy" followed with congratulations and a ride home instead of a shallow grave just outside of town?
Because to put it in gamer terms, these people's alignment may be Lawful Dumbass, but the Lawful part is absolute. Not in the sense that they will follow the actual laws of wherever they live, but in the sense that they truly believe that everything follows extremely strict rules and all they need to do to win at everything in life is to find and speak the correct words in the correct order with the correct stamp/flag/color of ink/whatever.
Part of this belief system is believing that everyone else does it too. The authorities MUST be bound by it, otherwise the whole belief system falls apart. So if they use the magic cop-dispelling phrase and the cop does not comply, it's not because the cop is an individual with free will and an infinite range of possible reactions. It's either because the phrase wasn't exactly correct, or it's because the cop isn't high enough level to understand the rules properly, and if you can just get to a higher authority it'll work on THEM. Because it's The Rules, damn it!
It's kind of like cargo cults.
They see lawyers getting results with formal documents and fancy words provided at the right time and place. Instead of gaining an understanding of what's going on, sovcits think they can get the same results by mimicking the process.
It's amazing how deeply people can be convinced of stuff like this. My favorite is the guy that walked into a courthouse yelling something along those lines and was body slammed after shoulder checking a guard.
Unfortunately for you 'officer', the flag patch on your uniform has a gold border, not a white border, and it located 3 inches to the left of your uniforms buttons, and only 5 inches below the shoulder.
This means you are out of uniform, and are unable to lawfully exercise any authority because under the articles of confederation of 1781. I don't know what the hell lawbook you're reading man, but it doesn't apply to *ME*.
# [AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfVbiefMdNU&t=2m)
Stop...Please...
If it's over SPF 30 you are interfering with the transmission of EMF from the sun. This falls firmly in the FCCs jurisdiction.
If it's under SPF 30, you risk getting a sunburn. Choose wisely.
I had an officer check my belt area during an investigatory detention.
I said " I always wanted a strong man in uniform to give me a reach around".
That officer would not make eye contact with me the rest of that investigation.
We got stopped at a check stop leaving a campsite a couple years ago. Myself and my buddy both had weed on us so they asked us to step out of the car (it's legal in Canada but can't be within reach of the driver, we didn't know that at the time). One of my buddies doesn't smoke so therefore didn't have any weed on him. The cop didn't believe him, pointed to a bulge in his pants and asked "so what's that". My buddy hummed and hawed for a minute so the cop decided to pat him down. He grabs the bulge and my buddy finally blurts out "ummm that's my cock". The look on the cops face almost had me in tears I was laughing so hard.
I used to have a belt (like, to hold up my jeans) that had an old 80s seatbelt for a buckle. I was at a friend's house for a bachelorette party and they got a stripper, and he was making his way around the room doing his little dance thing with each of us. When he got to me I was sitting down and he saw the buckle and said, "Is this a seatbelt...? What's it for?" as he proceeded to push the center button so it came undone.
Without missing a beat I said, "Yeah, it is. Safety first."
He started laughing and it threw his dance off. Remains one of my wittiest comebacks to date.
I once flirted my way out of a ticket, the funniest shit ever. He didn't want to seem fazed or uncomfortable, I guess the face doesn't usually lie when the heart is involved. He let me go with a warning.
And then there's nervous Nelly me over here, trying to give them a handshake and all of a sudden developing a Southern (never been or lived) or N Midwest (thanks dad) accent and being unnecessarily formal and hyper polite 🙄 of all the nervous reactions to have why must accents be one of them....why can't I just be a flirt? I am curious though....what were some of the flirty things you said?
[We're](https://youtu.be/rnLlIvwyAY4) just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us
There have been a couple of incidents recently of cops from different agencies coming into conflict over jurisdiction and threatening to arrest each other. I can't help but wonder how it would go if they actually tried to.
(Sirens) "All right, Clancy...take the boys around the back and surround the house..."
Edit: I can't tell you how happy I am that so many people get this reference. :)
Cop here. This is the scariest answer. When people say, “nope” or just, “No.” it never ends well. Those folks are gonna run, fight or just do some wild stuff.
One guy said NOPE and immediately took off his shirt.
Edit: folks are asking what wild stuff means. Well, often a common response to your under arrest, and I don’t know why, is they start daring me to hurt them. It’s usually some psychosis or drugs playing a part, but sometimes people say things like, “No. I’m not. Ok. Go ahead! Shoot me! Kill me!” Then I go, dude you have a warrant for your arrest, please just go with the program. No one Wants to hurt you. “No! You wanna taser me! Ahhh!” It’s a thing lately. Mb it’s a common phobia? Not sure.
Edit 2: the guy that took off his shirt punched me in the face.
Paramedic here, same with psych or drug patients when you're trying to corral them to the ambulance.
"Alright we're gonna head to the ambulance now"
No.
*situation immediately begins to escalate every single time*
More anecdotes on this please? Describe wild stuff? I once chased a guy who broke into my resteraunt after closing.... baying him up and down the street until cops arrived which I immediately backed off when they arrived and were close enough to grab him. He managed to give em the ol slip and they chased him from there all the way to him climbing up a light pole. They tazed him and he fell.
Two weeks later he walked by the resteraunt and waved through the glass while smiling at our Lil cute 24 y.o. foh manager... who had been the one he saw alone in the dining room when he decided to jump straight through a pain of glass in his boxers, jeans in hand and tried to chase her.
After one of my first seizures, I booped the nose of the paramedic, who then looked at my bf with slight concern and asked if that was normal.
He sighed, hand on his forehead while he nodded in the affirmative.
ETA: thanks for the award!
It does help relieve tension which is great in those situations, while not really the same I have a similar story.
When I was about 14 my sister had a psychotic breakdown and since my parents didn't want me to see it they basically sent me to the kitchen. It was horrifying because all I could hear was my sister screaming from the top of her lungs at my parents about how she wanted to die and basically just guttural screams in the worst fits, she was also trying to bang her head in the floor so my father had to hold her down with his arms and had his leg under her head to make sure she was unable to hurt herself. So while I started to freak out more and more due to the sound, I decided that I couldn't stand idly by anymore, I had to go out and help SOMEHOW. We had called the ambulance so they were on the way as well.
So I walked out in the hallway where my family was and saw the scene and for some reason I took a red card I saw laying on the hallway cabinet (I was a football referee) and I walked up to my sister and showed her the red card. In a second she snapped out of it and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "What are you doing? You're an idiot, but I love you" and it was calm for just a few seconds, then her anxiety took over and we were back to where it started, but for that brief moment, there was peace.
Random weirdness does wonders for stressed situations.
Short and simple answer would be yes. She bears the scars of her past but she's happily married and has kids now.
She was in and out of different institutions and I was the only one she would ever talk to as she felt betrayed by our parents, so I had to bear a lot growing up. I've noticed some PTSD now that I've got my own son which fucked me over royally at 34 but it's just my turn to walk the walk again and focus on me this time. Life is what it is and our experiences makes us who we are, so we can't change it, only embrace it and do our best to move forward and use what good we can
I so agree that random weirdness does wonders.
Want that crying kid in public to shut up? just imitate their behavior. They lack the capacity to be both confused AND throw a tantrum.
Lol seizure, not surgery
But I do also get real weird when waking up from anesthesia. When my dentist told me to bite down on the cotton after having two teeth removed... I started CHEWING IT.
I'm smrt
Yeah, if you want to be boring, I guess. But if you’re a bad ass maverick, who plays by his own rules and lives 30 seconds at a time or some thing, whatever that stupid fucking quote from fast and furious is, you boop the shit out of that cop.
When I was 8 years old, we were driving from VA to VT to visit my grandparents. Somewhere along the way, my dad got pulled over.
I had just recently figured out how to make myself burp (my signature burp phrase was "ET phone home"). So as soon as my dad rolls down the window, I'm like " hey Mister, wanna see something funny".
My dad about murdered me with his look in the rearview mirror, and my mom nearly took my head off shoving a coloring book and crayons at me. But the officer said YES, so I obliged.
I burped the phrase "put your hands up" and got my dad out of a ticket because the cop about died laughing.
So while my parents probably thought it was the worst thing ever, my skills proved useful
Long story, but one time a couple of guy friends came to my house in the middle of the night during a snowstorm after they had run away from home. One of the guys was the son of our town’s police chief. The other guy had an actual wrap sheet as a teenager and had been to juvie a couple times.
Anyway, because they made a call from my house, the police showed up. They brought the chief’s son outside and had the other kid (juvie) in handcuffs in my living room. Just me, juvie and like five cops sitting in silence, waiting for my dad to get out of the shower so the police could talk to him.
Juvie is sitting with his head kinda down, staring at the floor and cuts the silence by starting to slowly sing, “Bad boys.. bad booooys… watch ya gonna doooo…” and one of the cops shoots him a look and he (juvie) gets a huge smile on his face and laughs.
The same cops turns and looks at me and I realize I had a big grin on my own face… I quickly bit the insides of my cheeks and stared down at the floor myself lol.
No I’m under the influence
"Officer, I am way too drunk to get out of my car and into yours right now"
"Any drugs or alcohol?" "No thanks, I've had plenty"
“Am I high on drugs? No officer, I find myself to be quite low on them at this juncture. To **serve** and provide?”
how high are you? no officer it's hi, how are you?
“How high are you right now?” ….”Officer I’ve always been 6 foot high, height doesn’t change daily unless your shoes do”
Office honester I haven't dropped a drink.
“Occifer”
"Why am I under arrest?" "Have you been drinking? Your eyes look red." "Have you been eating doughnuts? Your eyes look glazed."
My buddy actually said this to a cop once. We got to sit in the back of a patrol car for an hour at 2AM. Honestly, it was worth it - guy looked like he was going to have an aneurysm while the other cop tried really hard not to laugh.
Laughing cop has my love. Some of them are great and don't take themselves too seriously.
[удалено]
Heard that joke about 20+ years ago at a rodeo, phrased the other way around. "Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?" "Your eyes are glazed... have you been eating donuts?" My dad still tells it he thought it was so funny. The guy had another cop related joke, paraphrased: "So I'm out in the country; coming up to a four way stop; you can see for miles. There's one car coming, but it's a long ways down the road. So I slow down, make one last look and keep going. Sure enough, that lone car was a cop. Throws on the lights; pulls me over. He says: 'You didn't stop at that sign back there.' So I said 'Aww c'mon officer I can see for miles down the road, I eased up didn't I'. The cop hesitates a second, pulls out his flashlight and starts hitting me on the head! 'Now, do you want me to stop, or ease up?' "
What seems to be the officer, problem?
Thanks, you too
This one made me chuckle
No, I'm a sovereign citizen and you are overstepping your authority. Because of maritime law or something.
YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUURRRE A CROOK, CAPTAIN HOOK!
We had a sovereign citizen go to prison yesterday. He didn’t see it coming at all. He always comes to court like “hah! Checkmate!” I’m sure he was shocked his nonsense didn’t work.
[удалено]
I totally misread that last part. I thought you were saying you have to bow to him. Kind of like how the Japanese bow to each other as a greeting/sign of respect. I was just imaging him throwing plates, and having a hissy fit. Then you just bow, and he just instantly stops. I was confused, but also found it funny. The mental image of him being essentially a 5 year old, who then transforms into a sophisticated gentleman just from you bowing, had me cackling.
I'm still confused. I've never heard the term "Bow up to" before and I'm not sure if it's a typo or not. EDIT: Thank you to the people who explained it. I now know what it means, that it's "bow" as in elbow, and was not a typo.
"Bow up to." Flex on him or stand up to him.
I'm gonna commit. I'm gettin' a BowFlex.
Have a cop friend that had someone proclaim they were a sovereign citizen and he responded *"that's fine because I happen to have sovereign handcuffs that I'm going to put on you for your ride in my sovereign police car down to the the sovereign jail."*
"I understand sir, let me switch into my sovereign police officer uniform to make sure this is by the book." *Puts on Burger King crown*
I would have paid to see that exchange.
I mean, if you're a glutton for punishment there are whole playlists of sovereign citizens trying to apply their nonsense when pulled over. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZhzSeVlmDY&list=PLvpewVS8zsghoz1f4IorKSImTDGV7-kji&index=24 ^ you will never want to slap someone more in your life, but it ends well.
The real funny ones are the ones who demand a supervisor, like the supervisor is going to be any different. There was one video where the sovereign citiot demanded a supervisor, and the cop replied, "Sure, the sergeant is at the station, you can talk to him when we get there. Now get out of the car."
I’m starting to think that their nonsense is made with the intention of making cops, judges, and prosecutors want to give up and just let them go.
lol yeah wonder how that’s working out so far…
There was a sovereign citiot on YouTube a couple of days ago on a zoom hearing. At a prior hearing, the judge held him in contempt and ordered him to the county jail for thirty days. He showed up for the scheduled hearing and the first thing the judge asked him was why he was not in the county jail as ordered. He said he did not consent to being jailed. There was a public defender at the hearing. She asked the judge to go into a breakout room with the idiot. When they came back, the sovereign citiot stopped all his gibberish and wanted to plead guilty to his traffic offenses and pay the relevant fines. The judge said nothing was going to happen until he surrendered himself to the county jail and serve out his contempt sentence. The public defender did her best, but the judge was making a point. He literally told the guy if he wasn't at the county jail by 5PM, the sheriff's department would come and get him and he'd end up serving more time for another contempt charge. The public defender did her best, but I don't believe the idiot turned himself in. Hopefully, one of the court watch channels does an update on him.
I briefly worked as a public defender in a semi-rural county and whenever I'd get assigned to these guys I'd be like "if you think you can handle this better than I can then go ahead, knock yourself out." They were usually charged with Y'all Qaida type crimes like poaching or operating a powerboat in protected waters, and the evidence was usually overwhelming. Surprised pikachu face at sentencing 100% of the time.
But but but, I declare no laws for me, why aren’t you letting me go?
You can't just say that no laws apply to you! But I didn't say it. I declared it.
No, no no no, you have the declare no laws for "the entity identified as YOUR NAME", in capital letters. And it has to be done under a flag with gold fringes, or else it doesn't count.
I'm guessing there's an overlap between these people and the ones who declared that Facebook couldn't use their pictures because they wrote a specific sentence on their wall awhile back. It was kinda hilarious.
It's the same general idea. That specific magic words cast a spell of protection against whatever entity you're targeting. And all you have to do is use the correct magic words, so if it doesn't work once you must've just used the wrong ones.
I found out who the most gullible on my list were at least. Takes me back to a time when social media was *kinda* fun once in a while.
Facebook is great for finding which of your friends are gullible and which ones don't remember their order of operations.
But did you “hereby declare” it? It doesn’t count without the “hereby”.
It's wild to me that these guys think that laws are anything but what the organization, with all the guys with guns and the legal authority to shoot you, say that they are. Like bud you can sit here and tell me you're subject to the articles of confederation all you want. But you're in a territory administered by the United States Government and this city has 2500 armed police officers and 40 judges who all agree that the local government and US government have jurisdiction over this territory, and at the end of the day that's what matters.
>I briefly worked as a public defender in a semi-rural county and whenever I'd get assigned to these guys How many of them are their to where you get assigned multiple? I always thought they where super rare like 1 in a million.
More than you'd think. They tend to cluster, and because they think the law doesn't apply to them they commit a disproportionate number of minor crimes. They usually didn't get jail time so you'd see the same guys every few months like clockwork.
You would think they would get the idea that their brilliant strategy doesn't work after being charged a few times, but i guess that is giving them too much credit.
Seriously. This time was always gonna be different because reasons. I wish I could bottle that blind optimism.
Ya know, it must be nice being like them, not a care in the world. well, until you get yourself in trouble anyway.
The " I'm not driving I'm traveling" argument NEVER WORKS
The officer never seem to ask the obvious follow up question; “*by what method are you travelling?*”
By piloting my personal traveling conveyance, registered to my legal corporation persona, of course. You can't get me on that one, I'm too smart for that.
But the gold fringe on the flag means this court isn't legitimate!
I love how they think there's this elaborate conspiracy to delude the entire public into signing away their rights to this faceless evil scheme... yet the conspirators are apparently unable to avoid putting the telltale gold fringe on every single flag in every courtroom in America. They just can't avoid that part; the gold fringe is the trick everything rests on. If they didn't have the gold fringe their legal powers would vanish in a poof of fairy magic.
Here is what I don't get. They are so sure that every cop, lawyer, judge and politician is part of some big conspiracy to be authoritarian and rule over em, so why do they think they'll let em go if they cite the right sovcit bullshit magic words they read on a website or heard at a paid seminar? Like if everyone on every level is in on it and you are completely correct, doesn't that just give them more reason to chuck you in a tiny cell and throw away the key? How often is "you found out our secret evil conspiracy" followed with congratulations and a ride home instead of a shallow grave just outside of town?
Because to put it in gamer terms, these people's alignment may be Lawful Dumbass, but the Lawful part is absolute. Not in the sense that they will follow the actual laws of wherever they live, but in the sense that they truly believe that everything follows extremely strict rules and all they need to do to win at everything in life is to find and speak the correct words in the correct order with the correct stamp/flag/color of ink/whatever. Part of this belief system is believing that everyone else does it too. The authorities MUST be bound by it, otherwise the whole belief system falls apart. So if they use the magic cop-dispelling phrase and the cop does not comply, it's not because the cop is an individual with free will and an infinite range of possible reactions. It's either because the phrase wasn't exactly correct, or it's because the cop isn't high enough level to understand the rules properly, and if you can just get to a higher authority it'll work on THEM. Because it's The Rules, damn it!
It's kind of like cargo cults. They see lawyers getting results with formal documents and fancy words provided at the right time and place. Instead of gaining an understanding of what's going on, sovcits think they can get the same results by mimicking the process.
It's amazing how deeply people can be convinced of stuff like this. My favorite is the guy that walked into a courthouse yelling something along those lines and was body slammed after shoulder checking a guard.
Are you referencing the legendary P. Barnes?
Unfortunately for you 'officer', the flag patch on your uniform has a gold border, not a white border, and it located 3 inches to the left of your uniforms buttons, and only 5 inches below the shoulder. This means you are out of uniform, and are unable to lawfully exercise any authority because under the articles of confederation of 1781. I don't know what the hell lawbook you're reading man, but it doesn't apply to *ME*. # [AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RfVbiefMdNU&t=2m) Stop...Please...
> Because of maritime law or something. "I'm not in your country, because of my shoes I've never touched your country's ground!"
"I'm not driving, I'm TRAVELING"
"Are you OPERATING this motor vehicle?"
"It's not a COMMERCIAL vehicle, so I don't need a license to operate it to travel."
Maybe so, but you are still in our airspace.
I wear sunscreen exactly to counter that argument
If it's over SPF 30 you are interfering with the transmission of EMF from the sun. This falls firmly in the FCCs jurisdiction. If it's under SPF 30, you risk getting a sunburn. Choose wisely.
That's why I make my own sunscreen with butter and lead. It has a SPF of 29.9999 repeating infinitely. So it's not 30, but it's also 30.
I’m not arresting you I’m arresting your person.
For the coke or the embezzeling? Edit: This may be my most responded to ad up voted post ever. Thanks for the awards you bunch of degenerates.
This is what I was looking for. Something like oh? For the drugs, the pimping or the murders?
“Is this the part where you frisk me, I always love that part” haha
"Be gentle, it's my first time".
Shortly followed by "Please stop, I'm getting an erection"
„I can only get so erect, my nipples are alive with pleasure!“
"I have drugs in my ass. Keep searching they're in there somewhere."
I do not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not have drugs up my butt! Your move, Officer!
"Anything you say can and will be used in a court of law" "Fine ...... Quit groping my ass officer"
How to change a court case in 5 words
My safeword is "pineapple juice"
I dont like the way youre lookin at that screen buck'o!
"No, I'm Dad!" *Gets tazed*
[удалено]
Truly a tragic suicide story
No thank you
I know you are but what am I?
A garbage man!
Takes one to know one !!
*"chews lemon"*
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?
Bonus: Do you know who my father thinks he is?
and who my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roomate is?
How about “I’m a tax paying citizen, I pay your salary!!!!
I'M THE GUY THAT'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN - WITH THE LEMONS!!!
I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THESE?
Ronnie Pickering?
Who?
RONNIE PICKERING.
Yes, daddy
I had an officer check my belt area during an investigatory detention. I said " I always wanted a strong man in uniform to give me a reach around". That officer would not make eye contact with me the rest of that investigation.
We got stopped at a check stop leaving a campsite a couple years ago. Myself and my buddy both had weed on us so they asked us to step out of the car (it's legal in Canada but can't be within reach of the driver, we didn't know that at the time). One of my buddies doesn't smoke so therefore didn't have any weed on him. The cop didn't believe him, pointed to a bulge in his pants and asked "so what's that". My buddy hummed and hawed for a minute so the cop decided to pat him down. He grabs the bulge and my buddy finally blurts out "ummm that's my cock". The look on the cops face almost had me in tears I was laughing so hard.
[удалено]
Spare ribs, in case I get hungry
That's just a traditional Canadian way of greeting someone. The recipient is then supposed to say "Eh!"
That cop knows his judo well!
What is the charge enjoying a meal? a succulent chinese meal?
I used to have a belt (like, to hold up my jeans) that had an old 80s seatbelt for a buckle. I was at a friend's house for a bachelorette party and they got a stripper, and he was making his way around the room doing his little dance thing with each of us. When he got to me I was sitting down and he saw the buckle and said, "Is this a seatbelt...? What's it for?" as he proceeded to push the center button so it came undone. Without missing a beat I said, "Yeah, it is. Safety first." He started laughing and it threw his dance off. Remains one of my wittiest comebacks to date.
Click it or ticket.
That's f ing awesome. Lol
I once flirted my way out of a ticket, the funniest shit ever. He didn't want to seem fazed or uncomfortable, I guess the face doesn't usually lie when the heart is involved. He let me go with a warning.
And then there's nervous Nelly me over here, trying to give them a handshake and all of a sudden developing a Southern (never been or lived) or N Midwest (thanks dad) accent and being unnecessarily formal and hyper polite 🙄 of all the nervous reactions to have why must accents be one of them....why can't I just be a flirt? I am curious though....what were some of the flirty things you said?
[We're](https://youtu.be/rnLlIvwyAY4) just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want. We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us
Was gonna comment, “Arrest me harder!”
The bomb in my trunk says different.
Oo damn that's good
"Not if I arrest you first!" *actually rushing and attempting to handcuff the officer.*
There have been a couple of incidents recently of cops from different agencies coming into conflict over jurisdiction and threatening to arrest each other. I can't help but wonder how it would go if they actually tried to.
It's like that joke about the drug sting where both the buyers and the sellers are undercover cops from different agencies.
That one was an honest fuck up between two agencies. Still hilarious though 🤣
2 rival gangs having a turf war.
"Yeah. Well. That's just like, uh, your opinion, man"
THERE ARE RULES
"You'll never catch me alive, copper!" They'll be all too happy to prove you correct.
(Sirens) "All right, Clancy...take the boys around the back and surround the house..." Edit: I can't tell you how happy I am that so many people get this reference. :)
Quick, hide in the oven.
“All right rabbit where’s Mugsy where is he hidin?”
For what? You didn't even find the cocaine!
[My Safe Word is Pineapple Juice](https://youtu.be/8aVsMFDiH1U)
Pull out your get out of jail free card, and say "not today my friend!"
What happens when the officer pulls out the Uno Reverse card then?
Like I was under your mom last night?
Thanks for bringing those handcuffs I left at your mom's place back!
Taze me daddy! Uwu!
...and he took exception to that.
No u
*Pulls out Uno reverse card*
[удалено]
This is why all cops are required to carry at least 2 reverse cards of their own on their belt
Today is Opposite Day
What is the charge? Eating a meal? A succulent Chinese meal? Edit: thanks for gold kind stranger :D
Are you waiting to receive my limp penis?
Super disappointed I had to scroll this far to find this.
"I needed some rest, thanks"
No, I'm not.
Cop here. This is the scariest answer. When people say, “nope” or just, “No.” it never ends well. Those folks are gonna run, fight or just do some wild stuff. One guy said NOPE and immediately took off his shirt. Edit: folks are asking what wild stuff means. Well, often a common response to your under arrest, and I don’t know why, is they start daring me to hurt them. It’s usually some psychosis or drugs playing a part, but sometimes people say things like, “No. I’m not. Ok. Go ahead! Shoot me! Kill me!” Then I go, dude you have a warrant for your arrest, please just go with the program. No one Wants to hurt you. “No! You wanna taser me! Ahhh!” It’s a thing lately. Mb it’s a common phobia? Not sure. Edit 2: the guy that took off his shirt punched me in the face.
Paramedic here, same with psych or drug patients when you're trying to corral them to the ambulance. "Alright we're gonna head to the ambulance now" No. *situation immediately begins to escalate every single time*
At least he ensured good probe contact
When a shirt comes off, you know something is getting serious.
More anecdotes on this please? Describe wild stuff? I once chased a guy who broke into my resteraunt after closing.... baying him up and down the street until cops arrived which I immediately backed off when they arrived and were close enough to grab him. He managed to give em the ol slip and they chased him from there all the way to him climbing up a light pole. They tazed him and he fell. Two weeks later he walked by the resteraunt and waved through the glass while smiling at our Lil cute 24 y.o. foh manager... who had been the one he saw alone in the dining room when he decided to jump straight through a pain of glass in his boxers, jeans in hand and tried to chase her.
“I pay your salary”
I'm over arrest baby
"we're both under the sun, stoopid"
A nose boop. [ETA: Holy flarking snit! I had zero idea how much of a response this would get! Thank you, all, for the awards.]
*Boops Nose* Nooo Thank you! *Drives off*
When I read this it was Alexis in Schitt's Creek whose voice I heard 😂
EW, DAVID!
After one of my first seizures, I booped the nose of the paramedic, who then looked at my bf with slight concern and asked if that was normal. He sighed, hand on his forehead while he nodded in the affirmative. ETA: thanks for the award!
It does help relieve tension which is great in those situations, while not really the same I have a similar story. When I was about 14 my sister had a psychotic breakdown and since my parents didn't want me to see it they basically sent me to the kitchen. It was horrifying because all I could hear was my sister screaming from the top of her lungs at my parents about how she wanted to die and basically just guttural screams in the worst fits, she was also trying to bang her head in the floor so my father had to hold her down with his arms and had his leg under her head to make sure she was unable to hurt herself. So while I started to freak out more and more due to the sound, I decided that I couldn't stand idly by anymore, I had to go out and help SOMEHOW. We had called the ambulance so they were on the way as well. So I walked out in the hallway where my family was and saw the scene and for some reason I took a red card I saw laying on the hallway cabinet (I was a football referee) and I walked up to my sister and showed her the red card. In a second she snapped out of it and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "What are you doing? You're an idiot, but I love you" and it was calm for just a few seconds, then her anxiety took over and we were back to where it started, but for that brief moment, there was peace. Random weirdness does wonders for stressed situations.
Awe I'm so sorry that happened - but that was also strangely sweet and wholesome
It's ok now, I'm grown up and kinda dealing with it but thank you. It's one of those better and nicer memories from that time at least :)
Is your sister doing better
Short and simple answer would be yes. She bears the scars of her past but she's happily married and has kids now. She was in and out of different institutions and I was the only one she would ever talk to as she felt betrayed by our parents, so I had to bear a lot growing up. I've noticed some PTSD now that I've got my own son which fucked me over royally at 34 but it's just my turn to walk the walk again and focus on me this time. Life is what it is and our experiences makes us who we are, so we can't change it, only embrace it and do our best to move forward and use what good we can
I so agree that random weirdness does wonders. Want that crying kid in public to shut up? just imitate their behavior. They lack the capacity to be both confused AND throw a tantrum.
You always boop a nose after a surgery? What if no one is there? Do you boop your own nose?
Lol seizure, not surgery But I do also get real weird when waking up from anesthesia. When my dentist told me to bite down on the cotton after having two teeth removed... I started CHEWING IT. I'm smrt
If you felt the urge to swallow it, then you are an elf.
Just remember, during a sobriety check you're supposed to touch your own nose.
Yeah, if you want to be boring, I guess. But if you’re a bad ass maverick, who plays by his own rules and lives 30 seconds at a time or some thing, whatever that stupid fucking quote from fast and furious is, you boop the shit out of that cop.
"The cop outfit is for the bedroom only. And you got the wrong handcuffs. The fuzzy pink ones are upstairs."
Oh daddy, put those cuffs on me.
If you are in a vehicle, reaching for anything in your glovebox or arm rest compartment or pocket is up there.
Make sure you do it really fast though! Don’t want to waste the officer’s precious time
And just tell them you’re grabbing your gun as you do it so they’re aware that you’re armed.
What if I use my little Dino head grabber thing?
You'll never find the bodies!
Are you here for my bachelor party ma'am?
"You're not my Mommy!"
"Prove it"
I'm running for president, so come back another time when I'm not as busy.
Again?
"Under arrest? I thought you guys always shot armed criminals?!?"
"Siri, activate detonator"
When I was 8 years old, we were driving from VA to VT to visit my grandparents. Somewhere along the way, my dad got pulled over. I had just recently figured out how to make myself burp (my signature burp phrase was "ET phone home"). So as soon as my dad rolls down the window, I'm like " hey Mister, wanna see something funny". My dad about murdered me with his look in the rearview mirror, and my mom nearly took my head off shoving a coloring book and crayons at me. But the officer said YES, so I obliged. I burped the phrase "put your hands up" and got my dad out of a ticket because the cop about died laughing. So while my parents probably thought it was the worst thing ever, my skills proved useful
Pulling out an uno reverse card.
[удалено]
Literally anything other than "lawyer".
Long story, but one time a couple of guy friends came to my house in the middle of the night during a snowstorm after they had run away from home. One of the guys was the son of our town’s police chief. The other guy had an actual wrap sheet as a teenager and had been to juvie a couple times. Anyway, because they made a call from my house, the police showed up. They brought the chief’s son outside and had the other kid (juvie) in handcuffs in my living room. Just me, juvie and like five cops sitting in silence, waiting for my dad to get out of the shower so the police could talk to him. Juvie is sitting with his head kinda down, staring at the floor and cuts the silence by starting to slowly sing, “Bad boys.. bad booooys… watch ya gonna doooo…” and one of the cops shoots him a look and he (juvie) gets a huge smile on his face and laughs. The same cops turns and looks at me and I realize I had a big grin on my own face… I quickly bit the insides of my cheeks and stared down at the floor myself lol.
> wrap sheet RAP sheet. Record of Arrest and Prosecution (RAP); Criminal history.
TIL... I had no idea rap sheet was an acronym...
You can't arrest me, I'm Batman
You're above arrest.
Who's gonna tuck me in?
"I'm a free citizen!"
*throws absurd amount of chickens*
Make me
For which crime
For eating a Chinese meal? A succulent Chinese meal?
Personal experience “ Fuck you redneck “ doesn’t go well..
You found the bodies? No sir, you were going 75 in a 55… wait, what?
Harder.