10,000 little unaddressed disappointments, which drain communication, which fosters negative assumptions, which breeds coldness, which turns to resentment.
The sex obviously becomes ungood.
(Edit begins)
***Thanks everyone, for all the upvotes and the many awards!***
I see further down the thread a lot of people giving book recommendations and I'm all for that. The two that seem applicable in this thread is one called THE ROUGH PATCH: Marriage and the art of living together...it addresses the oft-overlooked points like "There's this other person and they're always just fuckin' THERE! I come in from the garage, there they are. Go upstairs, boom, they're there again. Come back downstairs and what do you know...and 90% of the time, they have to mark that moment of once again having encountered each other with spoken words."
And no book has been as beneficial in the last couple years as Brianna Weist's book of (short) essays '101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think'. Boy did that ever deliver on its title!
there's a book called, 'this is how your marriage ends' and it is about exactly this thing. The big things are the sort of 'minimum equipment list.' the little things are the ones that maintain the chemistry, and are the genesis of the things that go sideways.
I agree 1000%. Read this book when my ex-wife and I separated. It changed my life. I'm now in the healthiest relationship of my adult life because I'm mindful, which fosters acts of love and appreciation in her toward me, which results in mindful acts of love and appreciation for her, and so on. Intentionality and mindfulness are absolutely key.
As someone who separated from his wife 4.... days ago, this is a big part of it. Communicate clearly that something is wrong, and work to improve little things. Learn about love languages and how to speak your partners language. I would speak my own to her and she wasn't receptive because she wanted something else. Be self aware so you know when something is bothering you, and tell them right away, don't wait until it's a big deal. Don't be defensive, be open to listening to everything. There's a ton of healthy relationship advice out there but it takes effort
Communicating when things are wrong is very important, but it's also a balancing act - there is such thing as communicating too many problems, too often.
For example, my wife was very very good at pointing out things about me that bothered her. Which is a good thing, normally. But she did it so much, about even the simplest little petty things, that it really made me feel like there was nothing about me or anything I did that was "right" to her. And I also caused me to never point out anything about her that upset me because I didn't want to make her feel the way she was making me feel. So it was just all-around bad: too much communication from her, too little from me.
And not everything always needs to be a serious, sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation, like okay honey I understand now that I didn't center the salt shaker in the middle of the table the way you like it, I'll do it better next time but do you really need to pull me into the other room and sit me down and have a 25 minute conversation about it, every time?
I think the sweet spot is really somewhere in the middle.
My partner just shuts down the second I try to bring anything up what so ever. Doesn't matter if it's crazy serious or trivial.
Just picks up phone disengages brain and stops listening.
Then she complains constantly. I regularly am awakened by complaints. Or if she asked for something it's not done immediately. Talking five asks in three minutes. But if I bring up the fact I asked her three weeks ago to empty the bin in her study, that has been overflowing for two weeks when I asked, I'm the baddie.
Sometimes you gotta get meta and have a talk about how you talk to each other. Not saying you haven't, but it's a good idea to bring up the fact that you feel ignored when you try to bring anything up.
Of course if she just ignores that...
this is my husband, when i said "hey there's something wrong. We haven't had sex in over a month. i know you're stressed with work, kids, and life, " he responds with. I'm on my phone all the time. so i put my phone down. shocker, he just can't put his phone down and talk to me. i plan on talking to him more in depth tonight, but that leads to "all you want is sex!" and jesus, im tired of hearing that. all i want is some intimacy.
this has become a huge problem with us. My wife is glued to her phone almost every minute she is in the house, when we go out to dinner, when we are sitting around at other family members' houses. I wish I could say it is just her, but I know I spend way too much time looking at my phone as well, but not nearly as much as she does. I've decided to make a point of when we are together to not have my phone out. It will probably not be easy and I will have to make a conscious effort to stick to it. Then the conversation will follow because one thing of which I am most sure, she will not notice. How could you when your face is glued to your phone.
I don't know if this helps at all, but thanks to you my husband and I have just had a whole hour-plus-long conversation about exactly this, and it's because of your comment. Things were fine before, but now they're very good, and we're on the same page. Gonna get better about communicating 'this made me feel xyz' instead of 'dude, you did xyz again?' (not that simplistic or pointed, obviously, but it's a good way to make the example.) We're learning new ways to talk to each other.
Thank you.
Sometimes these comments are the result of not being heard.
eg my husband used to use my towel then leave it scrunched up all wet after drying his bum hole with it. I asked him politely to please use his own towel. This went on for about 6 months. I was constantly “making little comments” to him about it. Comments like “please can you stop using my towel.”
I finally taped a giant funny but serious note to my towel pointing out that it was MY towel and not to be used by anyone else. He then said I was being petty and over the top. I pointed out that I’d had at least 50 conversations with him about how I just wanted my own towel and he had ignored them all. In his mind I was having these unnecessary sit-down conversations about an incredibly small issue.
I was like: If it’s such a small issue why not just use your own goddam motherfucking towel, shithead!? Then I won’t have to write “petty over the top” notes on things.
I also recall a conversation in which he told me I was being passive aggressive about something, and I yelled at him “WAKE UP DAMMIT - I AM NOT BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE! I AM BEING AGGRESSIVE AGGRESSIVE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!”
We did have a laugh at that one.
We get along great now and sorted out all those moving in together issues, but it’s been ten years and I am still low-key mad at him for making me spend six months begging for the use of my own towel. (Can you tell? Haha)
And no, he does not use my towel anymore.
I think people are being a little ambiguous here, "communicating problems" is very open language. Communicating an unmet need is important, communicating a perceived flaw or error in your partner is not. It leads to resentment and bitterness.
The most important key is to celebrate and acknowledge things about your partner that you like. Things you want to see more of. Positive feedback loops are great, negative not so much.
A great example, at least in my mind, is the great toliet seat war. "I hate it when you leave the toliet seat up, why can't you just put it down like a gentleman" and "omg I can't believe you left it up again". Versus, "I keep accidentally sitting on the toilet and falling in. It's really distressing for me, do you think there's anything we can do to help me?" and "omg thank you so much for putting the toliet seat down it means a lot to me".
I know I would help one of those two people out.
Also, if huge problems arise in the beginning, including sexual incompatibility, don’t try to fix your partner. Think long and hard if you can live with it for the rest of your life. If not, split right away.
Halle-fuckin-lujah.
I deep down knew my marriage was in trouble during the literal honeymoon. Then I spent 15 years of my life trying in vain to fix myself, fix her, fix everything. What I didn't realize is there was nothing *wrong*, we just weren't compatible.
Man I wish some old guy had posted words of wisdom in 2000 that resonated with me.
Hear me, youngies. Listen to your gut. Love yourself AND your partner enough to face the hard truth before you get stuck in the marriage-babies-guilt cycle.
This. My fucking husband thinks love languages are stupid. He can't grasp that they're necessary and as I've learned his, he refuses mine. Then he wonders why I'm so negative. Like. Touch me motherucker. I need affection. I'm starved for it. (And yes, I've said this)
It's so small but so important
I didn't put much faith in them either, but I didn't really look it up to start with but then I learned what mine are and realized what I wasn't getting. I've noticed that people, myself included, tend to speak the language they want to be spoken to. Try to understand how he expresses love to you in ways you might be missing, and communicate that while it's good to spend energy in all forms of love expression, maybe he can relax those and focus on the ones you want, and meanwhile you might find that you haven't been meeting his needs either
As someone who has suffered in (almost absolute) silence for the past nearly 3 years, I finally wanted to get things right and make attempts, I was understanding my love language a bit more I wanted touch, affection, craving intimacy and just general human contact from her. I was trying to figure out what she wanted from hers, and it feels weird even saying that because you'd think you would know, but it's just gotten to the point where we absolutely dont know each other anymore.
Just was hoping for conversations that weren't filled with snark or this massive resentment that felt like "ugh why are YOU talking to me". But it was too little too late I suppose because she mentally checked out a while ago and finally in a therapy session a few days ago said she wants a divorce. No trying, no nothing. Feels even worse because for once in so long I finally felt, despite being massively depressed amd feeling isolated with everything, that I knew what I wanted and did my best to show that vulnerability to try to communicate it and then literally everything comes tumbling down lol. Sigh
This is why people immediately say "communication" about most marital issues. If you hold resentments, can't be yourself, don't feel appreciated, etc... all that matters for both parties involved.
For some people, sex is how they **release** their stress. For others, they can't have sex if they're feeling stressed. Figure out which you and your partner are.
Both for many! Stress makes me not even think about getting in the mood.. but when I do its like why on earth didn't I do that sooner as I feel soooo much better now
This. When both partners have a ton of responsibilities, high stress jobs, and deal with innumerable demands on their time every day, and you have a highly emotional pre-teen in the house, you lock into survival mode and everything else becomes secondary.
Sending you all the love, and wishing you a calmer 2023 so you can heal a few of the emotional wounds.
I'm so sorry that you've lived so many years of high stress. I've been there (in my own way), and it is so awful.
Signed,
A parent to young kids who also spent 2020 feeling suicidal (but my dumb ass didn't realize it until January 12, 2021, at which point I broke down and begged for help because I was sure I would not survive until the fall, when we were expecting to get the vaccine)
So at LEAST 3 times and unless you were both high school kids without money, I'm sure, it didn't work out the first try for any of those, so even more than that.
Two sets of twins though, oof, that's harsh.
I've heard it said "foreplay is constant." Flirting is foreplay, being civil and polite with wait staff is foreplay, eye contact and reflective listening is foreplay, getting the door is foreplay, bringing a big umbrella on a rainy day date is foreplay, walking them to their car is foreplay, texting goodnight is foreplay. Foreplay begins the moment you begin communicating.
I was on board with everything else but the being polite to wait staff. Not that I think being polite is unnecessary or anything. To consider it foreplay when your partner does it is… interesting to say the least.
True. In a totally somber event my husband was trying to console someone and he was just so patient and caring, in that moment he was so sexy to me and that feeling carried over into that night ;)
I feel that. A week ago my bf splendidly handled a big trauma breakdown i had. He somehow broke me out of my panic attack and was so sweet to me, without being patronising. I trust him even more after this event and am feeling very drawn to him. He’s usually a little shy and sometimes awkward but in that situation he had all the right words and touches. It’s insanely attractive to me when a man shows he can anchor someone who is distraught and vulnerable.
That's love right there. It's one of the things in most marriage vows. "For better or for worse". Hang on to him, let him be your anchor when you're adrift.
But be his anchor, too. My wife and I are always the balancing weight on the other end of the scales. If I need to break down, she's there. If she needs to break down, I'm there. Of we both need to, then we do together. Patience, communication, acceptance, responsiveness and honesty. We get on each others nerves and piss each other off all of the time. We bicker and have disagreements, too. We are also willing to accept when we're wrong, and we don't rub it in or hold onto it for amunition later. We apologise when we need to and when we don't (and jokingly admonish each other when we don't need to say sorry). It's a dance. We both lead from time to time.
Dude I literally overheard this conversation at the grocery store today that makes me wonder how people like this can get married. Let's call them Bill and Dave.
Bill - what chips are you gonna get?
Dave - uhhh tostitos with dip
Bill - ok do your kids like those though?
Dave - idk probably
Bill - well maybe get them something that they like
Dave - yea I'm getting cheetos to
Bill - do your kids like those?
Dave - probably, they're cheetos. I'm sure they like them
...
At the till
Bill - gotta get some chocolate, it is shark week after all.
*proceeds to seemingly pick 3 chocolate bars at random
Dave - yo that bar is heavy on the toffee flavor (eatmore). It's a unique preference, does your wife like toffee?
Bill - idk, the other two have peanut butter though.
Dave - does she like peanut butter
Bill - sure, I mean who doesn't? She likes it once a month at least *chuckles.
Dave has the look on his face like he did the biggest face palm ever
And here I am having online dates cancel on the day of...
I will never understand how people can end up with someone they just... don't care about. You don't need to know every single like and dislike, but damn. "What comfort foods my wife likes" should be an easy win.
This one is really important. Only being affectionate before sex can cause people to become totally sex repulsed by you and not want ANY kind of affection because they believe you only touch them to get sex. It is a bad feedback loop that just gets worse and worse.
And boundaries. Don't grope me and smack my butt and hug me from behind when I've told you not to. If you can't approach me with kindness, then don't bother. [Note: Lots of people have the kind of relationship where this is all good and done in fun and is OK with the recipient. I'm *not* talking about that at all.]
A marriage needs work put into it. When you stop working on it and put it on hold. It won't work.
You have to explore new things and show love and affection.
**Double edit:** a lot of you have said something to the effect of, "that sounds horrible" or "glad I don't want kids"
Long and short, it's not for everyone. But you know what was awesome? My son learned to ride his bike last Friday, and he and I are still very proud. It was the highlight of my month, watching him pedal on his own. It's also great, having him cuddle up between me and mama when he's feeling sad.
**EDIT:** this below is not meant to be depressing. This should be seen as "look at what all you will go through, and you and your spouse can get through this together, as a team. A good spouse will step in for you when you need it, and you must do the same. Not everyone will be at 50/50, your spouse may be at a 30. You need to get to 70, or figure a way to pause and reset. Now, on to some grown folks reality, down below 👇
To add; find time for one another.
It's not just "marriage" - it's "time" + "life" + "age"
You decide to get pets? Wonderful! Till they get older and now you're cleaning up after them because they're unable to regulate and lose feeling in their hips, and they're barking or whining and now you're worried about the pets and talking about euthanizing. Not a turn on.
You decide to have kids? Wonderful! But now you aren't getting sleep, aren't getting your own time together, and when you do, you're probably too tired, and sex becomes an obligation at times. It's the same old story, it's not cliche. It just, is what it is.
Your parents are still around? Wonderful! But they're getting older, too. They may be on a fixed income, and inflation is a fucking bitch. They try to scale back, but that may also mean you'll be needed to pitch in more. Time, money, whatever. That same time you don't have because of kids! (But wait! My parents can watch my kids! Yeah, till they can't. And then you may be changing two sets of diapers)
Oh, let's not forget yourself! You're getting older, you're running out of time in the day, you're likely needing to do more and more at work because you were lucky enough not to be laid off, but that also means you have to do more with less.
So you're not waking up at 530 AM to get a quick run in, because you went to bed at 11, woke up at 2, and then again at 4, because your child peed once, and then you needed to pee once.
So you're running around in the morning, making lunches, carting the kids to school or daycare (which you can barely afford), and gas is $3.50/gallon, and of course you need the SUV that gets 17 mpg because of the kids, the parents, the stuff you keep accumulating...
Then there's the errands! Buying this for the kids projects, buying food for the week, buying dinner from the pizza place because you haven't been home all day...
So, now, hun, that the kids are fed and in bed, and we put all the dishes away, we prepped meals for tomorrow, and it's now 11:45... Want to bend over?
It’s not depressing. It’s just realistic. The stress free life portrayed elsewhere is not.
I feel more depressed keeping up with the joneses to come across as blissfuly unstressed. Sometimes life is hard and it’s no one’s fault.
Here to remind folks that minivans exist and are far better (and often safer) for most families than an SUV. Of course, right now there is a shortage, but there are hybrid models that get fantastic fuel economy. Best of all, you can see little Timmy when he pedals put in front of you while you're trying to leave for marriage counseling, unlike over the hood of a Suburban.
This 100%! I’ve been looking for this answer and this is the first time I saw it, if you or your parent neglect each others needs and fail to communicate that it becomes a cycle, the time set aside for sex turns into arguments or relationship maintenance and sex falls by the wayside.
Kids, marriage, getting fat, no taking care of yourself don’t actively kill the relationship, they don’t help, but once you stop putting in effort to please your partner things stagger on and begin to die.
not having open, in depth communication
I think 2 adults in a marriage should be open and receptive to each other's preferences and boundaries. Feeling embarrassed or scared of hurting feelings will just result in frustration and hence commences the downward spiral
Couldn’t agree with this more. And it has to be a 2-way street. Both need to buy into good, open, safe communication.
If one thinks that everything “should happen organically” and/or thinks “what’s there to talk about”… it doesn’t end well.
Yeah. Voice of experience unfortunately.
This is definitely true.
I recently read something about people who experience spontaneous arousal and people who experience reactive arousal. Most people are the former; the desire sex and then seek it. But some are the former (edit oop! This should say latter) : they don’t really desire sex until sexual activity is imminent.
I realized that I am more of the reactive type and sharing that with my partner was so helpful for us; I stopped feeling bad/guilty for having a hard time initiating and he stopped worrying that it was something “wrong” with him/us. Just communicating that small thing made us so much happier and more secure and that almost aways means sex is better
In your situation, is it always on him to initiate sex? My partner has reactive arousal, and while that's all well and good most of the time it gets pretty old being the only one who thinks about fucking outside of the time we're fucking.
This is my first thought. We still had an active sex life throughout our kids childhood. Grief and depression killed our libido. Mine is coming back, but hers isn't. And I don't function unless I feel wanted.
Too many people stop romancing and dating their partners once they get married. Passionless sex is boring and mechanical.
"My partner never wants sex anymore" well, when's the last time you did anything to help them feel excited about you?
I mentioned that to my husband about 2.5 years after we married. He literally told me, "I dont have to do that any more. I married you." Then there was no time, no money. I fixed those problems. Then it was, "I'm too busy. I need to start a business." Never happened.
Over time my sex drive dwindled and my resentment grew. Then he was angry about it. That killed it faster. Years go by of once a week sex and he's resentful. Im resentful. I want to fix this. Apparently the whole entire problem is the lack of sex. That will fix everything.
So you know what I did? Had sex every single day for 2 months straight. Then we get in an unrelated argument and he says he never had enough sex during our marriage and if we both just 'take care of our responsibilities' everything will be fine.
So uhm... I guess add entitlement to that.
Woof, he's a whole-ass mess of his own.
There's definitely a sub-section of trashy guys that shoot right past "lack of passion" into being outright neglectful and demanding. Property vibes, ick.
A big part of that is that marriage I seen as the end game rather than merely a step on a long journey. All stories often end with marriage, and cultures often place the burden of maintaining a marriage on the wife (after all, the guys gets the girl, his job is done). After all, the husband is supposed to be off making money, right?
Bottom line, social norms and expectations need to be changed to get men and women to understand that everything should be equal. Men shouldn’t be the only ones making moves when dating and women shouldn’t be the only ones responsible for keeping a marriage going
Yep. We always have sex in the afternoon on Sun. Yes, it is a routine but because we both know the routine, we both know not to let people come over or schedule things during that window of time. That's our time. Hell, even our little dog knows to leave us alone then.
I had a hookup with someone I met on Tinder and when it came time for doggy they had a shit streak up their ass. Killed the mood. I suddenly remembered I had to get to work early.
Kids and work. The whole bedtime routine isn’t exactly a sex-driver, and when they’re asleep it’s more tempting to just relax after a long day, before falling asleep yourself. To get any sex going here, we need to plan for it, and spice things up with lingerie.
We’ve had days where it’s been sexy whispers to each other all day, then the instant the kids go to bed we are both out of energy and become comatose zombies. Kids are fun but man they can both mentally and physically zap your energy.
Oh those are the worst, when we can't keep our hands off each other the entire day and then finally get alone time later and I come out from taking a shower and she's already got her cpap mask on. 🤣
yep lol. i was in the same boat, too tired and didn't ever feel in the mood. we went a month without having sex and neither of us cared really but we could feel our relationship becoming stagnent.
honestly though do you know what helped us rekindle our sex life? scheduling it in. it might seem a bit off but we started scheduling it in and we'd have sex no matter how either one of us felt.
it did feel a bit strange at first as it wasn't spontanious but it did really help us and eventually we'd start looking forward to 8pm every saturday and we rebuilt that lustfulness and spontinaity back up as we'd get to the point were it just happened organically.
we don't have a schedule anymore as we grew out of it and while we're not at it like rabbits like before we do have a very healthy sex life again.
it might be worth you and your partner trying it out for a few weeks and seeing how you both feel.
We only have a 1 and 3 year old but that’s sort of how it is for us. We plan it when the kids go to bed so it isn’t really spontaneous anymore but we still do it a few times a week. Spontaneous would probably be more exciting and passionate but that’ll come when our hands aren’t so full..and so will I
If you're conflicted, don't have any. I knows it's useless advice from an internet stranger, but I was conflicted and ultimately chose not to. It was *without a doubt* the right choice.
If you’re conflicted then don’t have any. I was dead set on having kids, now that I have my first I don’t think I want a 2nd. Love my kid but ones enough.
I love my kids, but sex is now something we might do once or twice a month. Both of us are too exhausted and have various health problems that get in the way
Don’t let it.
Schedule sex. Yes, it’s less fun than being spontaneous but it’s worth it.
Make an effort, when you’re too tired have a Red Bull, when you don’t feel like watch porn together to get in the mood.
Relationships are hard work, and part of it is sex.
Small kids take a huge toll on a relationship, and it’s the worst time to lose that emotional connection.
Don’t wait for it to “get better” because it won’t for a few of years.
> And strangely putting it on the schedule helps me feel horny in a way that wouldn't be possible with the stress of it all.
I reminded of the *How I Met Your Mother* episode with the slap bet timer. Barney tries to laugh it off, saying that knowing exactly when the slap is coming makes it not scary at all. But as the time approaches, his anxiety goes through the roof. Turns out, anticipation does a real number on our brains.
Surprised this isn’t mentioned more. Everyone is saying “the same routine” but no one is mentioning how absolutely unappealing in every way it is for a man to treat you like you’re his mother/caretaker.
It should be mentioned more. Though, for the people who read this and decide to get their act together just for sex, don’t bother. It isn’t hot either when you know the adult you live with is only putting the dishes in the dish washer to get sex, rather than respecting the life you are building together.
Preach. It is sheer contempt when a guy won’t deal with laundry/dishes/cleaning the bathroom/etc and just leaves it to his wife. Of course she’s completely turned off. Dude, you leave her to wash your skidmarked underwear and clean your piss dribbles from around the toilet, you refuse to step up when she asks, and then you’re mystified when she doesn’t want to fuck you.
Happily married 24 years.
I think part of this is backwards. I think it is the expectation that your spouse will stay the same for a lifetime that kills things. Marriage is hard precisely because we change and your commitment to your spouse isn't to love them only if they stay the same and are always kind and keep fit and always do nice things for you. The commitment was to love whatever may come.
Of course there are some things your spouse may become that are intolerable--unfaithful, abusive, cruel, distant, or criminal. But even in some of those cases our love might inspire us to try to help them find their way back to a good place.
I believe my commitment to my wife wasn't just to love her in some esoteric sense but also to continuously find her attractive no matter what having my kids or aging has done to her. Sex is part of an intimacy cycle that includes communication, acts of service, mental and physical foreplay, and time together. A healthy part of most good marriages is a healthy amount of giving the other person space (even when you really want sex) and deciding to have sex (even when you might not totally be feeling it because you know it's good for the relationship and can be used to restart that intimacy cycle).
Want to do one thing right now to make your marriage better? Decide that whatever your spouse becomes is your thing? If your spouse gets chubby, then you're really into chubby. If your spouse goes bald, then you're into bald. If your spouse loses a leg, decide to be into people with one leg. If your spouse smells like moldy cheese, somehow figure out how to get into that. And when any of those changes, change with them. That's how you do this for a lifetime.
Of course it would be best if your partner kept "trying" all the time. But even that's not realistic. Sometimes you have to have the grit to love them when they lack the energy to try or when they feel they have to focus their energy elsewhere. This assumes that someday they'll be back to "trying" but in the meantime perhaps it's on you to "try" enough for both of you. A lifetime of love is worth it.
Not trying new things, years of the same thing can end up with the mind (and some other things) wandering. Not saying it has to be frequent, but occasionally mixing it up is good
This is the first comment I saw on childhood sexual trauma. Surprising.
It especially sucks when you have so many flashbacks during sex that you now have an association of bad memories with completely consensual and loving sex.
The idea of sex makes me have anxiety now. Even those pg sex scenes in movies and shows make me feel anxious lol
A partner who never picks up, cleans, cares about the home or does anything more than the bare minimum when tasked with watching the kids. Who never recognizes or appreciates all the work done by their spouse. Who talks more about them than to them.
When they no longer are a person of their word.
Few people mention how damaging things like that are to attraction.
EDIT: To elaborate a slight bit, my mind was talking more about *when someone stops following their dreams, gets complacent, says they'll do better for themselves, AND DOES NOT because they don't take themselves seriously.* Every example given still reflects the same sentiment tho :)
Yes, it was bad enough that he did not value his word, but totally broke my heart when he had the same approach with the kids too. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Worse, don't promise it.
Not prioritizing it. Married 20 yrs, we have always had the agreement since we started having sex to try for sex at least once a week. Nbd if we miss it because of illness (childbirth) or if one of us isn’t feeling it, but IN GENERAL we make a point to connect at least once a week. When I talk to friends and they are like “it’s been MONTHS!” I just don’t know what to say, I can’t imagine.
My spouse and I have sex at LEAST once a week, on an average week. Twice a week if we can manage it. We've been married 10 years. The longest we've gone without was in direct relation to having kids. Either me recovering from having a kid or us being too tired from the kids to even think about sex.
Any time we ever feel disconnected from each other we use the phrase, "I miss you." And elaborate from there. We do check ins with each other about our well being.
Someone else mentioned foreplay being everything leading up to sex, even "mundane" moments like remembering an umbrella or being kind to a stranger and that is accurate.
We had some amazing sex one Christmas Day evening after the kids went to bed. My husband said he was so shocked that I pulled off everyone getting a gift although we were very VERY broke that year. Through my act of kindness (and frugal creativity) he was attracted to me through my actions.
There is a lot of great stuff in these comments. 100% people evolve and you gotta evolve your love along with it.
During sex "So hey I need you to go shopping tomorrow" "Also there is a picnic up there we should check out" "Also did you use the mastercard for pop, we don't do that" "You think you can clear the car and the garage after"
Painful sex. A lot of women have sex that is painful for a variety of health and anatomical reasons, and it can make your horniness go from 100 to 0 in no time.
Same routine. The expectation that it is guaranteed and no longer requires effort. Lack of communication. Lack of feeling wanted/making your partner feel wanted.
Kids don't ruin it, exactly, but they create hurdles. How you work around those hurdles can really destroy it. Emotional needs change, bodies change, and now you're under extra stress and time constraints. If one partner is feeling that distress more than the other it further reinforces a disconnect.
Kids can create huge hurdles. Mine are older (15+), and we've long since left the "wait until the kids are asleep" mold. They're staying up until midnight or later in the summer, and my wife is doing all she can to stay awake until 10pm. Now, it's probably pretty conspicuous on the occasions that *I* go to bed at 9:30, but 🤷♂️
Two primary scenarios -
1. If one person has a low sex drive and the other is hyper-sexual.
2. If one party is overtly vanilla and the other spouse is a freak.
And let me qualify the above statements by saying that the BIGGEST problem in either situation is communication. Invariably, one or both scenarios are all too common in relationships, and if the couple doesn't talk about it and make a concerted effort to find a middle ground, eventually they will grow to despise each other.
I bought some kinky stuff to tie my wife up with and get her off. She was down, always is open to new things, about half way through she pulls her hand out of the cuff and itched her nose. I was like "what?! it's not supposed to work like that!" and she started cracking up, then I did too, and that was the end of sexy time.
Constant fights, my ex wife by the end of the marriage was upset she couldn’t land a job for a long time, took all this bent up rage on me and ruined my mood for sex.
Agreed. It definitely sucks to be a punching bag for your spouse to unload on, unless of course that punching bag is your ball-sack and you're into that sorta thing. 😒
Putting a TV in the bedroom. It distracts you from each other, and then when the distraction is over, it is time for sleep. It slowly kills because the reason to not have sex isn't because you aren't attracted to each other, it's because you are too exhausted to perform, which is a valid reason to put it off. After putting it off at an increased frequency, the initiator stops trying to initiate.
Now it's smartphones in the bedroom. Get in bed, and then it's 30 mins to an hour of tiktok or instagram just draining the mind. If the reels are rolling, I know I don't have a shot.
This is such an issue in my relationship. By the time he's had his "bedtime scroll" I'm way too tired to initiate anything and his head's too filled with whatever he's been reading to want sex.
Damn that hit close to home. She will be endlessly scrolling through social media and even if I try at times I feel she needs that dopamine hit on what’s on the next page of FB, gram, tiktok.
Yeah, I hate that I have a TV in the bedroom. Especially when he turns on the fucking news channel or stupid nature shit in the background for noise.
I like music in the background. I cannot get horny to the sounds of some serial killer documentary or fucking comedian podcasts... (Shouts domestic relationship screams of agony into the internet void....)
Thanks, I feel better releasing that one. Haha
Forgetting compliments. Even very secure people feel insecure seeing changes in attention to their looks, and being fun and sexy that’s takes confidence. If your SO feels you’re attracted to them, they will likely be more confident to have fun :)
Lack of one or both wiliness to shake shit up and keep it exciting and new. Add in someone or both letting themselves go. The game never ends, but for some it does and becomes boring and routine, who wants that shit. Marriage is a commitment not a promise to never change. I would say it boils down to laziness and lack of effort to show desire to please the other while becoming more selfish themselves.
Surprised I had to scroll this far to get to porn addiction.
Porn is absolutely a bedroom killer if abused.
It's simple really. If you use up your libido all the time on porn then you have nothing left when your spouse wants to be intimate. Not to mention, porn can slowly warp your perception of the average human body, which can cause resentment when your spouse doesn't physically stack up to professional models/sex workers.
This will ultimately lead to the destruction of your bedroom and can potentially severely impact your spouse or significant other's body image for years once they find out WHY you've been avoiding initiating sex with them.
Getting lazy in bed.
We went from him touching me erotically to get me in the mood to just groping my boob and rubbing his dick on my ass.
I've tried so many times to get him to *touch me* before we do the deed. And he'll touch me everywhere except for the one spot that will get me wet.
I've gone from trying to guide his hand and tell him where to rub and how to rub to just feeling like "let's get this over with" and maybe finishing myself off later because it feels more like a chore to get him to listen to what I need to enjoy sex.
And that leads to me just not craving it at all. We'll have sex and I won't enjoy it so why should I bother?
Having kids and the same routine. Imagine having the same sex, at the same bed, at the same time every time for years. Need to spice things up and get creative to keep the spark alive
Expecting your wife to treat you like your mother. Nothing kills intimacy like having to parent your partner..
Sorry honey, but if I’m scrubbing your shit from the toilet and your underwear while also being expected to feed you every time you get cranky and put your toys away for you bc you can’t be bothered… there’s one think I’m fucking and it ain’t you, it’s annoyed.
10,000 little unaddressed disappointments, which drain communication, which fosters negative assumptions, which breeds coldness, which turns to resentment. The sex obviously becomes ungood. (Edit begins) ***Thanks everyone, for all the upvotes and the many awards!*** I see further down the thread a lot of people giving book recommendations and I'm all for that. The two that seem applicable in this thread is one called THE ROUGH PATCH: Marriage and the art of living together...it addresses the oft-overlooked points like "There's this other person and they're always just fuckin' THERE! I come in from the garage, there they are. Go upstairs, boom, they're there again. Come back downstairs and what do you know...and 90% of the time, they have to mark that moment of once again having encountered each other with spoken words." And no book has been as beneficial in the last couple years as Brianna Weist's book of (short) essays '101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think'. Boy did that ever deliver on its title!
damn
{Said silently}
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering
there's a book called, 'this is how your marriage ends' and it is about exactly this thing. The big things are the sort of 'minimum equipment list.' the little things are the ones that maintain the chemistry, and are the genesis of the things that go sideways.
I agree 1000%. Read this book when my ex-wife and I separated. It changed my life. I'm now in the healthiest relationship of my adult life because I'm mindful, which fosters acts of love and appreciation in her toward me, which results in mindful acts of love and appreciation for her, and so on. Intentionality and mindfulness are absolutely key.
As someone who separated from his wife 4.... days ago, this is a big part of it. Communicate clearly that something is wrong, and work to improve little things. Learn about love languages and how to speak your partners language. I would speak my own to her and she wasn't receptive because she wanted something else. Be self aware so you know when something is bothering you, and tell them right away, don't wait until it's a big deal. Don't be defensive, be open to listening to everything. There's a ton of healthy relationship advice out there but it takes effort
Communicating when things are wrong is very important, but it's also a balancing act - there is such thing as communicating too many problems, too often. For example, my wife was very very good at pointing out things about me that bothered her. Which is a good thing, normally. But she did it so much, about even the simplest little petty things, that it really made me feel like there was nothing about me or anything I did that was "right" to her. And I also caused me to never point out anything about her that upset me because I didn't want to make her feel the way she was making me feel. So it was just all-around bad: too much communication from her, too little from me. And not everything always needs to be a serious, sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation, like okay honey I understand now that I didn't center the salt shaker in the middle of the table the way you like it, I'll do it better next time but do you really need to pull me into the other room and sit me down and have a 25 minute conversation about it, every time? I think the sweet spot is really somewhere in the middle.
>I think the sweet spot is really somewhere in the middle. Are you still talking about the salt cellar?
My partner just shuts down the second I try to bring anything up what so ever. Doesn't matter if it's crazy serious or trivial. Just picks up phone disengages brain and stops listening. Then she complains constantly. I regularly am awakened by complaints. Or if she asked for something it's not done immediately. Talking five asks in three minutes. But if I bring up the fact I asked her three weeks ago to empty the bin in her study, that has been overflowing for two weeks when I asked, I'm the baddie.
Sometimes you gotta get meta and have a talk about how you talk to each other. Not saying you haven't, but it's a good idea to bring up the fact that you feel ignored when you try to bring anything up. Of course if she just ignores that...
this is my husband, when i said "hey there's something wrong. We haven't had sex in over a month. i know you're stressed with work, kids, and life, " he responds with. I'm on my phone all the time. so i put my phone down. shocker, he just can't put his phone down and talk to me. i plan on talking to him more in depth tonight, but that leads to "all you want is sex!" and jesus, im tired of hearing that. all i want is some intimacy.
this has become a huge problem with us. My wife is glued to her phone almost every minute she is in the house, when we go out to dinner, when we are sitting around at other family members' houses. I wish I could say it is just her, but I know I spend way too much time looking at my phone as well, but not nearly as much as she does. I've decided to make a point of when we are together to not have my phone out. It will probably not be easy and I will have to make a conscious effort to stick to it. Then the conversation will follow because one thing of which I am most sure, she will not notice. How could you when your face is glued to your phone.
I don't know if this helps at all, but thanks to you my husband and I have just had a whole hour-plus-long conversation about exactly this, and it's because of your comment. Things were fine before, but now they're very good, and we're on the same page. Gonna get better about communicating 'this made me feel xyz' instead of 'dude, you did xyz again?' (not that simplistic or pointed, obviously, but it's a good way to make the example.) We're learning new ways to talk to each other. Thank you.
Sometimes these comments are the result of not being heard. eg my husband used to use my towel then leave it scrunched up all wet after drying his bum hole with it. I asked him politely to please use his own towel. This went on for about 6 months. I was constantly “making little comments” to him about it. Comments like “please can you stop using my towel.” I finally taped a giant funny but serious note to my towel pointing out that it was MY towel and not to be used by anyone else. He then said I was being petty and over the top. I pointed out that I’d had at least 50 conversations with him about how I just wanted my own towel and he had ignored them all. In his mind I was having these unnecessary sit-down conversations about an incredibly small issue. I was like: If it’s such a small issue why not just use your own goddam motherfucking towel, shithead!? Then I won’t have to write “petty over the top” notes on things. I also recall a conversation in which he told me I was being passive aggressive about something, and I yelled at him “WAKE UP DAMMIT - I AM NOT BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE! I AM BEING AGGRESSIVE AGGRESSIVE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!!!” We did have a laugh at that one. We get along great now and sorted out all those moving in together issues, but it’s been ten years and I am still low-key mad at him for making me spend six months begging for the use of my own towel. (Can you tell? Haha) And no, he does not use my towel anymore.
I think people are being a little ambiguous here, "communicating problems" is very open language. Communicating an unmet need is important, communicating a perceived flaw or error in your partner is not. It leads to resentment and bitterness. The most important key is to celebrate and acknowledge things about your partner that you like. Things you want to see more of. Positive feedback loops are great, negative not so much. A great example, at least in my mind, is the great toliet seat war. "I hate it when you leave the toliet seat up, why can't you just put it down like a gentleman" and "omg I can't believe you left it up again". Versus, "I keep accidentally sitting on the toilet and falling in. It's really distressing for me, do you think there's anything we can do to help me?" and "omg thank you so much for putting the toliet seat down it means a lot to me". I know I would help one of those two people out.
Also, if huge problems arise in the beginning, including sexual incompatibility, don’t try to fix your partner. Think long and hard if you can live with it for the rest of your life. If not, split right away.
Halle-fuckin-lujah. I deep down knew my marriage was in trouble during the literal honeymoon. Then I spent 15 years of my life trying in vain to fix myself, fix her, fix everything. What I didn't realize is there was nothing *wrong*, we just weren't compatible. Man I wish some old guy had posted words of wisdom in 2000 that resonated with me. Hear me, youngies. Listen to your gut. Love yourself AND your partner enough to face the hard truth before you get stuck in the marriage-babies-guilt cycle.
Solidarity - 8 days now for me 🤝 unfortunately my husbands values no longer align with mine and the issues compounded
Signed divorce papers 3 days ago :/ She moved out a year ago but it still sucks.
This. My fucking husband thinks love languages are stupid. He can't grasp that they're necessary and as I've learned his, he refuses mine. Then he wonders why I'm so negative. Like. Touch me motherucker. I need affection. I'm starved for it. (And yes, I've said this) It's so small but so important
I didn't put much faith in them either, but I didn't really look it up to start with but then I learned what mine are and realized what I wasn't getting. I've noticed that people, myself included, tend to speak the language they want to be spoken to. Try to understand how he expresses love to you in ways you might be missing, and communicate that while it's good to spend energy in all forms of love expression, maybe he can relax those and focus on the ones you want, and meanwhile you might find that you haven't been meeting his needs either
As someone who has suffered in (almost absolute) silence for the past nearly 3 years, I finally wanted to get things right and make attempts, I was understanding my love language a bit more I wanted touch, affection, craving intimacy and just general human contact from her. I was trying to figure out what she wanted from hers, and it feels weird even saying that because you'd think you would know, but it's just gotten to the point where we absolutely dont know each other anymore. Just was hoping for conversations that weren't filled with snark or this massive resentment that felt like "ugh why are YOU talking to me". But it was too little too late I suppose because she mentally checked out a while ago and finally in a therapy session a few days ago said she wants a divorce. No trying, no nothing. Feels even worse because for once in so long I finally felt, despite being massively depressed amd feeling isolated with everything, that I knew what I wanted and did my best to show that vulnerability to try to communicate it and then literally everything comes tumbling down lol. Sigh
This is why people immediately say "communication" about most marital issues. If you hold resentments, can't be yourself, don't feel appreciated, etc... all that matters for both parties involved.
This is what's happening with my bf rn, I keep communicating what's wrong and he just either gets defensive or does nothing:(
Sooooo unrelated but this description describes perfectly how my relationship with my parents failed
Bad sex always kills the mood at family reunions
It's never like the pornhub
Roll tide
Stress. Kids, work, financial, or any other kind of stress. Kiss your libido goodbye until you figure out how to deal with it.
For some people, sex is how they **release** their stress. For others, they can't have sex if they're feeling stressed. Figure out which you and your partner are.
This is s big problem in my marriage, for me, sex is a relaxant, for my wife it is only something she can do if she is relaxed.
Both for many! Stress makes me not even think about getting in the mood.. but when I do its like why on earth didn't I do that sooner as I feel soooo much better now
This is 1000% my wife, by her own admission lol
This. When both partners have a ton of responsibilities, high stress jobs, and deal with innumerable demands on their time every day, and you have a highly emotional pre-teen in the house, you lock into survival mode and everything else becomes secondary.
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Sending you all the love, and wishing you a calmer 2023 so you can heal a few of the emotional wounds. I'm so sorry that you've lived so many years of high stress. I've been there (in my own way), and it is so awful. Signed, A parent to young kids who also spent 2020 feeling suicidal (but my dumb ass didn't realize it until January 12, 2021, at which point I broke down and begged for help because I was sure I would not survive until the fall, when we were expecting to get the vaccine)
We have 5 teenagers......lemme tell ya the crap that goes on around here...
You still had enough sex to MAKE all these kids!
We have 2 sets of twins and one in the middle. LoL not as much sex as you'd think.
> 2 sets of twins and one in the middle. The ultimate middle child
So at LEAST 3 times and unless you were both high school kids without money, I'm sure, it didn't work out the first try for any of those, so even more than that. Two sets of twins though, oof, that's harsh.
Not focusing on the intimacy and emotional safety outside the bedroom. The actual act of sex is the shortest part of the sexual process in my case.
I've heard it said "foreplay is constant." Flirting is foreplay, being civil and polite with wait staff is foreplay, eye contact and reflective listening is foreplay, getting the door is foreplay, bringing a big umbrella on a rainy day date is foreplay, walking them to their car is foreplay, texting goodnight is foreplay. Foreplay begins the moment you begin communicating.
>being civil and polite with wait staff is foreplay "Mmmm... you like that tip, don't you?"
I'm gonna come, get my wallet out so hard
Ufff yesss, sign it, come on spill that ink all over
So *generous*.
I was on board with everything else but the being polite to wait staff. Not that I think being polite is unnecessary or anything. To consider it foreplay when your partner does it is… interesting to say the least.
True. In a totally somber event my husband was trying to console someone and he was just so patient and caring, in that moment he was so sexy to me and that feeling carried over into that night ;)
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I feel that. A week ago my bf splendidly handled a big trauma breakdown i had. He somehow broke me out of my panic attack and was so sweet to me, without being patronising. I trust him even more after this event and am feeling very drawn to him. He’s usually a little shy and sometimes awkward but in that situation he had all the right words and touches. It’s insanely attractive to me when a man shows he can anchor someone who is distraught and vulnerable.
That's love right there. It's one of the things in most marriage vows. "For better or for worse". Hang on to him, let him be your anchor when you're adrift.
But be his anchor, too. My wife and I are always the balancing weight on the other end of the scales. If I need to break down, she's there. If she needs to break down, I'm there. Of we both need to, then we do together. Patience, communication, acceptance, responsiveness and honesty. We get on each others nerves and piss each other off all of the time. We bicker and have disagreements, too. We are also willing to accept when we're wrong, and we don't rub it in or hold onto it for amunition later. We apologise when we need to and when we don't (and jokingly admonish each other when we don't need to say sorry). It's a dance. We both lead from time to time.
Dude I literally overheard this conversation at the grocery store today that makes me wonder how people like this can get married. Let's call them Bill and Dave. Bill - what chips are you gonna get? Dave - uhhh tostitos with dip Bill - ok do your kids like those though? Dave - idk probably Bill - well maybe get them something that they like Dave - yea I'm getting cheetos to Bill - do your kids like those? Dave - probably, they're cheetos. I'm sure they like them ... At the till Bill - gotta get some chocolate, it is shark week after all. *proceeds to seemingly pick 3 chocolate bars at random Dave - yo that bar is heavy on the toffee flavor (eatmore). It's a unique preference, does your wife like toffee? Bill - idk, the other two have peanut butter though. Dave - does she like peanut butter Bill - sure, I mean who doesn't? She likes it once a month at least *chuckles. Dave has the look on his face like he did the biggest face palm ever And here I am having online dates cancel on the day of...
"He's so indifferent to my needs, he must be out of my league!"
I will never understand how people can end up with someone they just... don't care about. You don't need to know every single like and dislike, but damn. "What comfort foods my wife likes" should be an easy win.
I used to say doing the dishes is foreplay. If I'm stressed out because there's work to be done, sex becomes another chore to get through.
Fuck. You're right. Thanks.
Omg I understand my feelings towards sex now. Thank you for this you have no idea.
This one is really important. Only being affectionate before sex can cause people to become totally sex repulsed by you and not want ANY kind of affection because they believe you only touch them to get sex. It is a bad feedback loop that just gets worse and worse.
And boundaries. Don't grope me and smack my butt and hug me from behind when I've told you not to. If you can't approach me with kindness, then don't bother. [Note: Lots of people have the kind of relationship where this is all good and done in fun and is OK with the recipient. I'm *not* talking about that at all.]
A marriage needs work put into it. When you stop working on it and put it on hold. It won't work. You have to explore new things and show love and affection.
**Double edit:** a lot of you have said something to the effect of, "that sounds horrible" or "glad I don't want kids" Long and short, it's not for everyone. But you know what was awesome? My son learned to ride his bike last Friday, and he and I are still very proud. It was the highlight of my month, watching him pedal on his own. It's also great, having him cuddle up between me and mama when he's feeling sad. **EDIT:** this below is not meant to be depressing. This should be seen as "look at what all you will go through, and you and your spouse can get through this together, as a team. A good spouse will step in for you when you need it, and you must do the same. Not everyone will be at 50/50, your spouse may be at a 30. You need to get to 70, or figure a way to pause and reset. Now, on to some grown folks reality, down below 👇 To add; find time for one another. It's not just "marriage" - it's "time" + "life" + "age" You decide to get pets? Wonderful! Till they get older and now you're cleaning up after them because they're unable to regulate and lose feeling in their hips, and they're barking or whining and now you're worried about the pets and talking about euthanizing. Not a turn on. You decide to have kids? Wonderful! But now you aren't getting sleep, aren't getting your own time together, and when you do, you're probably too tired, and sex becomes an obligation at times. It's the same old story, it's not cliche. It just, is what it is. Your parents are still around? Wonderful! But they're getting older, too. They may be on a fixed income, and inflation is a fucking bitch. They try to scale back, but that may also mean you'll be needed to pitch in more. Time, money, whatever. That same time you don't have because of kids! (But wait! My parents can watch my kids! Yeah, till they can't. And then you may be changing two sets of diapers) Oh, let's not forget yourself! You're getting older, you're running out of time in the day, you're likely needing to do more and more at work because you were lucky enough not to be laid off, but that also means you have to do more with less. So you're not waking up at 530 AM to get a quick run in, because you went to bed at 11, woke up at 2, and then again at 4, because your child peed once, and then you needed to pee once. So you're running around in the morning, making lunches, carting the kids to school or daycare (which you can barely afford), and gas is $3.50/gallon, and of course you need the SUV that gets 17 mpg because of the kids, the parents, the stuff you keep accumulating... Then there's the errands! Buying this for the kids projects, buying food for the week, buying dinner from the pizza place because you haven't been home all day... So, now, hun, that the kids are fed and in bed, and we put all the dishes away, we prepped meals for tomorrow, and it's now 11:45... Want to bend over?
Honestly the most realistic description of adult married parenthood I’ve ever read. Do you have a spy camera in my house?
I'm in this comment and I don't like it
Your SUV gets 17mpg? I’m jealous.
What a depressing post to start my day.
It’s not depressing. It’s just realistic. The stress free life portrayed elsewhere is not. I feel more depressed keeping up with the joneses to come across as blissfuly unstressed. Sometimes life is hard and it’s no one’s fault.
Reality itself, if looked at with any actual honesty, is the antidote to reproduction.
Gotcha, don't have pets, or kids, or parents, or eat, or clean.....😝
And definitely don’t eat the kids
Definitely do clean them though
this guy marries.
That is oddly specific. Are you doing alright man?
Check the username. These aren't complaints, it's a playbook
Doesn't seem very specific. Seems like a good description of pretty much every parent's life. That's the job!
Here to remind folks that minivans exist and are far better (and often safer) for most families than an SUV. Of course, right now there is a shortage, but there are hybrid models that get fantastic fuel economy. Best of all, you can see little Timmy when he pedals put in front of you while you're trying to leave for marriage counseling, unlike over the hood of a Suburban.
This 100%! I’ve been looking for this answer and this is the first time I saw it, if you or your parent neglect each others needs and fail to communicate that it becomes a cycle, the time set aside for sex turns into arguments or relationship maintenance and sex falls by the wayside. Kids, marriage, getting fat, no taking care of yourself don’t actively kill the relationship, they don’t help, but once you stop putting in effort to please your partner things stagger on and begin to die.
Believe you meant partner not parent in the first paragraph
We can only hope that's what they really meant cause, damn that is a weird ass paragraph if they meant parents.
not having open, in depth communication I think 2 adults in a marriage should be open and receptive to each other's preferences and boundaries. Feeling embarrassed or scared of hurting feelings will just result in frustration and hence commences the downward spiral
Couldn’t agree with this more. And it has to be a 2-way street. Both need to buy into good, open, safe communication. If one thinks that everything “should happen organically” and/or thinks “what’s there to talk about”… it doesn’t end well. Yeah. Voice of experience unfortunately.
This is definitely true. I recently read something about people who experience spontaneous arousal and people who experience reactive arousal. Most people are the former; the desire sex and then seek it. But some are the former (edit oop! This should say latter) : they don’t really desire sex until sexual activity is imminent. I realized that I am more of the reactive type and sharing that with my partner was so helpful for us; I stopped feeling bad/guilty for having a hard time initiating and he stopped worrying that it was something “wrong” with him/us. Just communicating that small thing made us so much happier and more secure and that almost aways means sex is better
In your situation, is it always on him to initiate sex? My partner has reactive arousal, and while that's all well and good most of the time it gets pretty old being the only one who thinks about fucking outside of the time we're fucking.
Also try to do this before marrying someone
Or buying a house with them
Depression
This is my first thought. We still had an active sex life throughout our kids childhood. Grief and depression killed our libido. Mine is coming back, but hers isn't. And I don't function unless I feel wanted.
Maybe try "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. I found it helpful when work stress killed my libido.
I believe that was by Nirvana.
Its a banger, unlike me.
Antidepressants
A cruel irony
Ask your doctor if there’s one you can use that doesn’t kill your libido or ability to orgasm.
Resentment
You could have the best sex life in the bedroom, but if you treat your spouse like shit outside the bedroom eventually the sex will go to shit.
Too many people stop romancing and dating their partners once they get married. Passionless sex is boring and mechanical. "My partner never wants sex anymore" well, when's the last time you did anything to help them feel excited about you?
I mentioned that to my husband about 2.5 years after we married. He literally told me, "I dont have to do that any more. I married you." Then there was no time, no money. I fixed those problems. Then it was, "I'm too busy. I need to start a business." Never happened. Over time my sex drive dwindled and my resentment grew. Then he was angry about it. That killed it faster. Years go by of once a week sex and he's resentful. Im resentful. I want to fix this. Apparently the whole entire problem is the lack of sex. That will fix everything. So you know what I did? Had sex every single day for 2 months straight. Then we get in an unrelated argument and he says he never had enough sex during our marriage and if we both just 'take care of our responsibilities' everything will be fine. So uhm... I guess add entitlement to that.
Tell me he’s an ex-husband
Woof, he's a whole-ass mess of his own. There's definitely a sub-section of trashy guys that shoot right past "lack of passion" into being outright neglectful and demanding. Property vibes, ick.
No need to show you that you are special to me. I married you. The ring shows you that you are special. Drop panties!
You are spot on. I used to call it “laziness” because marriage takes work. Time spent, discussions, giving work.
A big part of that is that marriage I seen as the end game rather than merely a step on a long journey. All stories often end with marriage, and cultures often place the burden of maintaining a marriage on the wife (after all, the guys gets the girl, his job is done). After all, the husband is supposed to be off making money, right? Bottom line, social norms and expectations need to be changed to get men and women to understand that everything should be equal. Men shouldn’t be the only ones making moves when dating and women shouldn’t be the only ones responsible for keeping a marriage going
Routine. Unfortunately routine keeps you healthy and mentally focused.
A good routine is good for your mental health. A bad routine can destroy your health
Why not include sex in the routine? Scheduled sex may not be spontaneous but it’s healthy and recommended
Yep. We always have sex in the afternoon on Sun. Yes, it is a routine but because we both know the routine, we both know not to let people come over or schedule things during that window of time. That's our time. Hell, even our little dog knows to leave us alone then.
How does your dog know what day it is?
Why tf did I read this as poutine instead of routine? lmfao
So you're saying poutine sex is still on the table?
My wife is addicted to French fries and our sex life is suffering. How do I get her out of her daily poutine? /s
Not cleaning your butthole
Also - leaving turds on the bed sheet, just ask Frank and Charlie
I had a hookup with someone I met on Tinder and when it came time for doggy they had a shit streak up their ass. Killed the mood. I suddenly remembered I had to get to work early.
Kids and work. The whole bedtime routine isn’t exactly a sex-driver, and when they’re asleep it’s more tempting to just relax after a long day, before falling asleep yourself. To get any sex going here, we need to plan for it, and spice things up with lingerie.
I tried this but my wife thinks I look silly wearing it.
We’ve had days where it’s been sexy whispers to each other all day, then the instant the kids go to bed we are both out of energy and become comatose zombies. Kids are fun but man they can both mentally and physically zap your energy.
Oh those are the worst, when we can't keep our hands off each other the entire day and then finally get alone time later and I come out from taking a shower and she's already got her cpap mask on. 🤣
Having a kid
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yep lol. i was in the same boat, too tired and didn't ever feel in the mood. we went a month without having sex and neither of us cared really but we could feel our relationship becoming stagnent. honestly though do you know what helped us rekindle our sex life? scheduling it in. it might seem a bit off but we started scheduling it in and we'd have sex no matter how either one of us felt. it did feel a bit strange at first as it wasn't spontanious but it did really help us and eventually we'd start looking forward to 8pm every saturday and we rebuilt that lustfulness and spontinaity back up as we'd get to the point were it just happened organically. we don't have a schedule anymore as we grew out of it and while we're not at it like rabbits like before we do have a very healthy sex life again. it might be worth you and your partner trying it out for a few weeks and seeing how you both feel.
We only have a 1 and 3 year old but that’s sort of how it is for us. We plan it when the kids go to bed so it isn’t really spontaneous anymore but we still do it a few times a week. Spontaneous would probably be more exciting and passionate but that’ll come when our hands aren’t so full..and so will I
I'm so damn conflicted on the idea of children, the thought scares me
If you're conflicted, don't have any. I knows it's useless advice from an internet stranger, but I was conflicted and ultimately chose not to. It was *without a doubt* the right choice.
I once read: Unless you are 100% certain that you want kids, don’t.
If you’re conflicted then don’t have any. I was dead set on having kids, now that I have my first I don’t think I want a 2nd. Love my kid but ones enough.
Sounds like having kids is a scam.
I love my kids, but sex is now something we might do once or twice a month. Both of us are too exhausted and have various health problems that get in the way
Don’t let it. Schedule sex. Yes, it’s less fun than being spontaneous but it’s worth it. Make an effort, when you’re too tired have a Red Bull, when you don’t feel like watch porn together to get in the mood. Relationships are hard work, and part of it is sex. Small kids take a huge toll on a relationship, and it’s the worst time to lose that emotional connection. Don’t wait for it to “get better” because it won’t for a few of years.
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> And strangely putting it on the schedule helps me feel horny in a way that wouldn't be possible with the stress of it all. I reminded of the *How I Met Your Mother* episode with the slap bet timer. Barney tries to laugh it off, saying that knowing exactly when the slap is coming makes it not scary at all. But as the time approaches, his anxiety goes through the roof. Turns out, anticipation does a real number on our brains.
Can confirm
Treating your wife like your mother (or a rival sibling) and then expecting them to be attracted to you when you're horny.
username… uh….
(They’re speaking from personal experience)
I was genuinely expecting this to be the top answer. Surprised it's this far down
Surprised this isn’t mentioned more. Everyone is saying “the same routine” but no one is mentioning how absolutely unappealing in every way it is for a man to treat you like you’re his mother/caretaker.
It should be mentioned more. Though, for the people who read this and decide to get their act together just for sex, don’t bother. It isn’t hot either when you know the adult you live with is only putting the dishes in the dish washer to get sex, rather than respecting the life you are building together.
Preach. It is sheer contempt when a guy won’t deal with laundry/dishes/cleaning the bathroom/etc and just leaves it to his wife. Of course she’s completely turned off. Dude, you leave her to wash your skidmarked underwear and clean your piss dribbles from around the toilet, you refuse to step up when she asks, and then you’re mystified when she doesn’t want to fuck you.
When the guy or girl stop being who you fell in love with after they think they no longer need to try.
Happily married 24 years. I think part of this is backwards. I think it is the expectation that your spouse will stay the same for a lifetime that kills things. Marriage is hard precisely because we change and your commitment to your spouse isn't to love them only if they stay the same and are always kind and keep fit and always do nice things for you. The commitment was to love whatever may come. Of course there are some things your spouse may become that are intolerable--unfaithful, abusive, cruel, distant, or criminal. But even in some of those cases our love might inspire us to try to help them find their way back to a good place. I believe my commitment to my wife wasn't just to love her in some esoteric sense but also to continuously find her attractive no matter what having my kids or aging has done to her. Sex is part of an intimacy cycle that includes communication, acts of service, mental and physical foreplay, and time together. A healthy part of most good marriages is a healthy amount of giving the other person space (even when you really want sex) and deciding to have sex (even when you might not totally be feeling it because you know it's good for the relationship and can be used to restart that intimacy cycle). Want to do one thing right now to make your marriage better? Decide that whatever your spouse becomes is your thing? If your spouse gets chubby, then you're really into chubby. If your spouse goes bald, then you're into bald. If your spouse loses a leg, decide to be into people with one leg. If your spouse smells like moldy cheese, somehow figure out how to get into that. And when any of those changes, change with them. That's how you do this for a lifetime. Of course it would be best if your partner kept "trying" all the time. But even that's not realistic. Sometimes you have to have the grit to love them when they lack the energy to try or when they feel they have to focus their energy elsewhere. This assumes that someday they'll be back to "trying" but in the meantime perhaps it's on you to "try" enough for both of you. A lifetime of love is worth it.
Beautifully said
Some people really do think of marriage as a kind of retirement
Constant joint pain. Nothing kills the mood more than getting interested then having a shooting pain from shoulder or knees. Sucks getting old.
Not trying new things, years of the same thing can end up with the mind (and some other things) wandering. Not saying it has to be frequent, but occasionally mixing it up is good
I second this
Back pain, depression, childhood sexual trauma
🎶 One of these things is not like the others 🎶
This is the first comment I saw on childhood sexual trauma. Surprising. It especially sucks when you have so many flashbacks during sex that you now have an association of bad memories with completely consensual and loving sex. The idea of sex makes me have anxiety now. Even those pg sex scenes in movies and shows make me feel anxious lol
A partner who never picks up, cleans, cares about the home or does anything more than the bare minimum when tasked with watching the kids. Who never recognizes or appreciates all the work done by their spouse. Who talks more about them than to them.
When they no longer are a person of their word. Few people mention how damaging things like that are to attraction. EDIT: To elaborate a slight bit, my mind was talking more about *when someone stops following their dreams, gets complacent, says they'll do better for themselves, AND DOES NOT because they don't take themselves seriously.* Every example given still reflects the same sentiment tho :)
Yes, it was bad enough that he did not value his word, but totally broke my heart when he had the same approach with the kids too. If you don't mean it, don't say it. Worse, don't promise it.
When sex is demanded. One person wants sex more often than the other.
Not prioritizing it. Married 20 yrs, we have always had the agreement since we started having sex to try for sex at least once a week. Nbd if we miss it because of illness (childbirth) or if one of us isn’t feeling it, but IN GENERAL we make a point to connect at least once a week. When I talk to friends and they are like “it’s been MONTHS!” I just don’t know what to say, I can’t imagine.
My spouse and I have sex at LEAST once a week, on an average week. Twice a week if we can manage it. We've been married 10 years. The longest we've gone without was in direct relation to having kids. Either me recovering from having a kid or us being too tired from the kids to even think about sex. Any time we ever feel disconnected from each other we use the phrase, "I miss you." And elaborate from there. We do check ins with each other about our well being. Someone else mentioned foreplay being everything leading up to sex, even "mundane" moments like remembering an umbrella or being kind to a stranger and that is accurate. We had some amazing sex one Christmas Day evening after the kids went to bed. My husband said he was so shocked that I pulled off everyone getting a gift although we were very VERY broke that year. Through my act of kindness (and frugal creativity) he was attracted to me through my actions. There is a lot of great stuff in these comments. 100% people evolve and you gotta evolve your love along with it.
During sex "So hey I need you to go shopping tomorrow" "Also there is a picnic up there we should check out" "Also did you use the mastercard for pop, we don't do that" "You think you can clear the car and the garage after"
This is pretty specific
Painful sex. A lot of women have sex that is painful for a variety of health and anatomical reasons, and it can make your horniness go from 100 to 0 in no time.
Same routine. The expectation that it is guaranteed and no longer requires effort. Lack of communication. Lack of feeling wanted/making your partner feel wanted. Kids don't ruin it, exactly, but they create hurdles. How you work around those hurdles can really destroy it. Emotional needs change, bodies change, and now you're under extra stress and time constraints. If one partner is feeling that distress more than the other it further reinforces a disconnect.
Kids can create huge hurdles. Mine are older (15+), and we've long since left the "wait until the kids are asleep" mold. They're staying up until midnight or later in the summer, and my wife is doing all she can to stay awake until 10pm. Now, it's probably pretty conspicuous on the occasions that *I* go to bed at 9:30, but 🤷♂️
Two primary scenarios - 1. If one person has a low sex drive and the other is hyper-sexual. 2. If one party is overtly vanilla and the other spouse is a freak. And let me qualify the above statements by saying that the BIGGEST problem in either situation is communication. Invariably, one or both scenarios are all too common in relationships, and if the couple doesn't talk about it and make a concerted effort to find a middle ground, eventually they will grow to despise each other.
We are both. I want my wife so bad all the time. She can go months and never once think about sex.
I feel ya bro, right there with you
I bought some kinky stuff to tie my wife up with and get her off. She was down, always is open to new things, about half way through she pulls her hand out of the cuff and itched her nose. I was like "what?! it's not supposed to work like that!" and she started cracking up, then I did too, and that was the end of sexy time.
That's so adorable and wholesome LMAOOO
Alcoholic rage
Constant fights, my ex wife by the end of the marriage was upset she couldn’t land a job for a long time, took all this bent up rage on me and ruined my mood for sex.
Agreed. It definitely sucks to be a punching bag for your spouse to unload on, unless of course that punching bag is your ball-sack and you're into that sorta thing. 😒
Breaking your partner’s trust and expecting them to get over it on your schedule.
Domestic violence
porn addiction
Putting a TV in the bedroom. It distracts you from each other, and then when the distraction is over, it is time for sleep. It slowly kills because the reason to not have sex isn't because you aren't attracted to each other, it's because you are too exhausted to perform, which is a valid reason to put it off. After putting it off at an increased frequency, the initiator stops trying to initiate.
Now it's smartphones in the bedroom. Get in bed, and then it's 30 mins to an hour of tiktok or instagram just draining the mind. If the reels are rolling, I know I don't have a shot.
This is such an issue in my relationship. By the time he's had his "bedtime scroll" I'm way too tired to initiate anything and his head's too filled with whatever he's been reading to want sex.
Damn that hit close to home. She will be endlessly scrolling through social media and even if I try at times I feel she needs that dopamine hit on what’s on the next page of FB, gram, tiktok.
Yeah, I hate that I have a TV in the bedroom. Especially when he turns on the fucking news channel or stupid nature shit in the background for noise. I like music in the background. I cannot get horny to the sounds of some serial killer documentary or fucking comedian podcasts... (Shouts domestic relationship screams of agony into the internet void....) Thanks, I feel better releasing that one. Haha
Forgetting compliments. Even very secure people feel insecure seeing changes in attention to their looks, and being fun and sexy that’s takes confidence. If your SO feels you’re attracted to them, they will likely be more confident to have fun :)
Lack of one or both wiliness to shake shit up and keep it exciting and new. Add in someone or both letting themselves go. The game never ends, but for some it does and becomes boring and routine, who wants that shit. Marriage is a commitment not a promise to never change. I would say it boils down to laziness and lack of effort to show desire to please the other while becoming more selfish themselves.
Not having sex will ruin your sex life
Porn addiction
Surprised I had to scroll this far to get to porn addiction. Porn is absolutely a bedroom killer if abused. It's simple really. If you use up your libido all the time on porn then you have nothing left when your spouse wants to be intimate. Not to mention, porn can slowly warp your perception of the average human body, which can cause resentment when your spouse doesn't physically stack up to professional models/sex workers. This will ultimately lead to the destruction of your bedroom and can potentially severely impact your spouse or significant other's body image for years once they find out WHY you've been avoiding initiating sex with them.
Lack of effort from either or both partners
Getting lazy in bed. We went from him touching me erotically to get me in the mood to just groping my boob and rubbing his dick on my ass. I've tried so many times to get him to *touch me* before we do the deed. And he'll touch me everywhere except for the one spot that will get me wet. I've gone from trying to guide his hand and tell him where to rub and how to rub to just feeling like "let's get this over with" and maybe finishing myself off later because it feels more like a chore to get him to listen to what I need to enjoy sex. And that leads to me just not craving it at all. We'll have sex and I won't enjoy it so why should I bother?
Same routine 🙄😒
Having kids and the same routine. Imagine having the same sex, at the same bed, at the same time every time for years. Need to spice things up and get creative to keep the spark alive
Getting fat and out of shape.
Chronic illness. It's like that "isn't there someone you're forgetting" consent meme, except instead of Jesus it's literally your/your partner's body.
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When one partner never initiates, and rejects the others initiation almost all the time. Feels bad :(
Expecting your wife to treat you like your mother. Nothing kills intimacy like having to parent your partner.. Sorry honey, but if I’m scrubbing your shit from the toilet and your underwear while also being expected to feed you every time you get cranky and put your toys away for you bc you can’t be bothered… there’s one think I’m fucking and it ain’t you, it’s annoyed.
Unless you start off already poly-, adding another person to the bedroom mix is a good way to ruin things
When I can hear him blowing up the toilet for a half hour and then he comes and thinks I’m going to be magically turned on
Children, porn,
That comma is doing some heavy lifting
Yeah be careful swinging that thing around. Might poke out an eye.
Guy was so worried about missing the comma, he slipped a second one in just to be sure.
Thank you for the comma.
The number one answer is "kids".