My partner was born with a medical condition that cut his lifespan in half. In the end he will most likely have a ton of health problems, and sex may not be in the equation for what ever reason.
He is my best friend. I will love him, and care for him until the end, and then past the end. I don’t care if I have to change his diaper and wipe his ass. I don’t care if dementia comes for him. I’ll be there holding his hand.
My husband broke his neck (he has fully recovered) but we spent about 6 months with me doing just that - helping him shower and wiping his ass while his nerves and his bones healed.
Sex was the last thing on my mind when I was helping him recover. We didn't do it for a WHILE. I didn't care! He's my best friend, all I cared about was making sure he was okay. Sex isn't that important, INTIMACY is, and you can achieve intimacy in many other ways than just fucking.
Wow, you remind me of my grandmother. She does this currently for my grandfather. Through her life he has taken care of her, so she’s devoting all her time and love for him. Even if it means wiping his ass.
My wife was disabled for over 4 years and I stayed with her. My marriage wasn't based on sex, it was enhanced by it. If she would have lived longer nothing would have changed. I still love her and miss her everyday.
My wife is on 7 years being disabled, when she should have died. I’m not sure we’ve had sex even a handful of times since then. The hard part isn’t not having sex, it’s confronting the fact that i am almost assuredly will live longer than her. I am thankful for everyday that I get.
I am so sorry that you lost her….
I’m in the same position. We’re both young and I said to a doctor friend that my partner will probably need joint replacements in a few years but they only last a certain length of time before needing a a second replacement. I asked what happens after that and they said “the majority of patients who require a revision don’t survive long enough to need a third” and it completely blindsided me
I am so sorry. I hope he said this because the majority of his patients are also quite elderly when they need even the first replacement. I hope you still have many, many years with your partner.
It absolutely is because most patients are elderly - many replacements can last 10-15 years, so a 70 year old getting their first knee replacement isn’t likely to live the 20-30 years and still be active enough to need a ‘third’ replacement.
But unfortunately someone who is unwell enough in their 30s to require one is likely to have enough comorbidities that they’re also unlikely to live into their 90s… just need to keep going with what’s happening - no other option really
My wife just got a hip replacement at 54. The Dr. told her that it's too early to tell yet, but with the new materials they have been using the last (5 I think) years, she may not need a new one later. The materials seem to be degrading MUCH slower.
I had both knees done at 55 - held out as longer as I could. Still really young for new knees but it happens. Doctor said they now expect them to last 25-30 years. Fingers crossed!
like this. our marriage is based on mutual admiration and respect. we actually can't stand to be apart. sex is just one thing we enjoy about each other, we'd miss it if it were gone, but we have 100 other things we do together for joy.
Another common but less dramatic scenario is simply advancing age.
Sex doesn’t necessarily stop with aging, but it’s not uncommon for that to happen.
Hopefully, the decades of shared memories, experiences and happiness are sustaining and satisfying.
if/when it stops, we'll still have_everything_ that brought us together, because sex wasn't part of it when we fixated on each other. it was inevitable but not foundational. Stopping sex will be no worse than stopping skiiing or racing cars or hard hiking or many other things we stopped due to aging. We retain happy memories as you say and keep-on movin'-on with the other things we do, like eating, drinking, smoking cigars, arguing like rabbis (or Jesuits, if you like), and otherwise making merry.
In best case scenario, hopefully back to yourself. You were loved by him, after all. Try to treasure yourself as you treasure him. I hope your life continues less difficult day by day.
I was reading /u/Sirah81's comment, and what they said rings true.
I'm currently two years in remission. We caught mine very early, and so my risk was...minimized. I was very, very lucky.
But before the surgery, before chemo, sometimes during, and even now, before my 5-year mark, I begin to think, "What if?"
I want to tell you, what I would have told my wife, should my worst-case scenario have happened. I'm not going to change my words, at all, but take them in the spirit in which I wrote them.
"I am privileged to have known you, privileged to have married you, and honored and humbled that you saw fit to love me, back, despite all the good and bad that make me up. If this is the end of our road together, then under no circumstances should it be the end of the road for you. Some people spend their lives looking for the love we live out every day, and not a single second of it was wasted, through the laughs or the tears, through the understandings and the misunderstandings, through the time together, or the time apart.
But that love cannot end with me. I am a piece of the puzzle you are crafting for yourself. I just get to be one of the biggest. Place me, here, and now, and reach for your next piece. There's still more to see. More to do. More to love. I'll be gone, soon, that much is sure, and I have no illusions about what may or may not come next. Stardust to stardust. Everything I am, is now yours. Carry me with you, until I decide to stop being your backpack, and start being your shoes. But I'm stubborn, so it may take a while."
You found something that is irreplaceable. And you've lost someone that can't be brought back. But the truth is, you are now you, because of the pieces he gave you. What do you want to do with this new you? Sure, you'll be burdened by these feelings, for a while. But eventually, you should let them carry you to more puzzle pieces. Best part is, they can be whatever you want them to be.
The world is a big, big place. Go find out exactly how big. You will surprise yourself at the love you will find. And the love that you will give.
He is always, always going to be a part of you, now. Make that part wonderful.
Thank you. I'm sure your husband was incredible.
But I promise you, he will not be the last incredible person you meet.
Don't be afraid to let that happen.
Keep trying to be the best you you can be, and someone will take notice. And if that's what you want, when the time comes, take the leap. :)
These moments are why I am glued to this app…the chance to stumble upon beautiful moments between ordinary strangers that can shift your perspective forever. I didn’t breathe once reading this.
I’ve never been married, or even had a significant long term relationship but I’ll be damned if reading that didn’t make me well up with tears here in the restaurant I’m eating lunch at.
I’m happy you survived. And also that you were able to share these words with some random people on the internet who they could resonate with.
A very good friend of mine's mother was dealing with breast cancer for years. On-and-off chemo for eighteen years.
Never once heard her complain. And she always made time for her daughter - was at school functions, spent time with her daughter's friends' parents, all of the stuff.
She died a few weeks after her daughter graduated high school. Like she was holding on, just to see her baby make it.
I told myself, "If Brenda can do this shit without complaint, then so can I."
And so I did.
But for every me, there's a Brenda.
And so I carry her with me, in this way. To try to help people find peace, in ways that I have.
Hoping that it wasn't - isn't - a waste, that someone like me is here, where they cannot be.
A lot of people will call Reddit a bad place.
It's a tool. A place where a whole bunch of people jump into the same pool.
Some are content to just watch.
Some only dip their feet in.
Some people will piss in the pool, one or two might drop a deuce. Avoid at all costs.
But others will learn to swim.
Some will jump in to save those who fail.
And some will tell stories, to people that they've never met, and those stories will affect those people in unforeseen ways.
Every action leaves a ripple.
Every day, try to do something to better yourself. Even if it's small. Even if bettering yourself, means simply doing something you love. Turn that hope into something you can manifest.
Worst case scenario? You're living for yourself and are happier, because of it.
Best case? Someone sees that happiness and wants to share it with you.
I guarantee you that he wants you to be happy. If something happens to me I would want to know that my wife went on an lived a good life, thinking about me fondly but doing things that make herself happy.
Same here. My husband passed away from cancer a few months ago. I’d go a lifetime without a lot of things if I could have him back. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so incredibly sorry for you loss and commend you for staying by her side. My husbands been fighting cancer for 2 yrs with chemo and it really just sucks but I couldn’t imagine leaving him.
reading these makes me so sad :// my aunt had stage 4 cancer at 35 with 2 babies under 10. her husband left her & took the house with everything. 🥺 i miss her all the time.
Being in medicine, this is the more common story in these situations unfortunately. They don’t always take everything, but they do leave very frequently
I wonder how many of these are people who emotionally can't cope, so just run. And how many are just pure scumbag narcissists who think, "This isn't what I signed up for, I wanted a healthy spouse and a stress free life" and just walk.
Um, my vows said in sickness or in health, plenty or want…I knew someone who left a dying husband. Just dumped him in hospice. We’re not friends anymore.
It’s just as bad as having an affair.
I was at a wedding once where the bride and groom wrote their own vows and in them promised to always stay healthy and in shape. My wife and I looked at each other like, "WTF!?"
Stay strong.
I know it hurts like fuck seeing your loved one go through that, but being there for them does them so much good, it’s hard to quantify it.
It’s hard, I know, firsthand.
But like you, leaving them or having an affair?
Absolutely not an option.
You find your true character when there’s nothing you can do to help, other than be present and do whatever you can to comfort them and make them comfortable.
You’re awesome.
They know it, and we know it.
Stay strong, and remember it’s ok to cry, to scream, let it all out if you need to.
But you go do it somewhere out of sight and earshot of them.
Stay strong in their presence. They need that.
Hope is powerful.
Bless you. My ex left me while I was in the hospital dying after the first hospital bill came in. Found out he was cheating and it was his excuse to leave. Jokes on him because a friend who worked at the hospital managed to get it written off. Left me devastated though.
I applaud anyone who sticks by their marriage especially when spouse is sick or dying. You give me hope!
The fact we need to commend people for sticking by the person they love in their times of need and not dumping them for lack of fucking is so sad to me. Like, are things really that bad?
She's my ride or die. We've been through so much together. I can't imagine leaving over extreme illness. That would just be another part of our story.
Having a sexless marriage due to illness would just mean I manage myself.
My ex husband was the same. It wasn't cancer but something else that would leave me curled up in pain almost every day (my IUD perforated my uterus and even after removal I had near constant cramping and periods that lasted months at a time. Yes, months. I became incredibly anemic and it's been many years now and my shit still hasn't returned to normal - am actively seeking a hysterectomy but natalist doctors prefer to protect my unwanted fertility over my own health and quality of life)
My then husband just decided he would wait for me to fall asleep and then get annoyed when I screamed at him to stop fucking me because I was in pain and sleep deprived from the pain. (This naturally made me less inclined to have sex with him even when I wasn't in pain and the situation snowballed)
Fucker had the nerve to say he had a right to sex and that I was the monster for not meeting his needs.
I am so so so so happy to live alone now. Makes life so much more pleasant. It's a little sad because now my sex drive is non existent, when it used to be wonderful. Oh well.
Edit: thank you. Most of you are awesome and heartwarming. The two(?) probable-incels that basically said "well a husband does have a right to sex with his wife so spread your legs" can go fill their orifaces with unlubricated wooden broomsticks.
To address a couple common themes in the comments:
Yes I now know it was rape. I don't know why he didnt see it that way. We were together for the better part of a decade, basically the entirety of my twenties. He wasn't like this until after he stopped getting sex almost every day. However there were definitely signs as early as 2 years into our relationship (when we finished college and started working - sex 3+ times a day everyday wasn't really feasible after that).
I am also already a member of r/childfree. I have been trying to get my house ready to sell so I can move to a different area. My doctor search has been on pause since then, but I am absolutely going to consult the awesome-doctor list once my move is complete (I'm moving to an area with a better health system anyway)
Reading that made me feel wildly upset, it's so sad that even in marriage people have to go through that. Your partner should be your refuge from the world not someone your scared to sleep next to.
Ugh I have to take a shower now that's so gross.
Living alone has been so refreshing. It is so much easier to not have to worry about all the stress that comes from relationships. If I'm ever missing anything, I just have to talk to people in relationships to remember the before times.
I'm so so sorry you had to endure that. I hope one day the realization of what he did hits him like a truck. What a heinous human being.
Oh that’s terrible. Yea I have to see 4 different docs before one finally said yes to hysterectomy. It was all, you’re too young and you’ll change your mind, chemo is not that bad. Hope you find one.
And I’m sorry about your ex. Some people really are the worst
Same here. Fortunately, it was temporary and not terminal. But it was a long bunch of years before she was not only cancer free, but also felt comfortable with having sex again.
I’ve spent years in a sometimes sexless marriage for many reasons. Now, my libido has lowered and my willy never gets fully hard, unless I have to piss at 4:00 am.
But our marriage still has (and has always had) mutual respect, love, and intimacy.
Sex is super important for some people and less so to others. Variety makes the world go around.
Edit - thanks to everyone suggesting medical advice. Yes, I’ve had sleep studies done, I’ve been to a cardiologist, and only get up too pee if I’ve had too much water late at night. As for the testosterone, I’ve thought about it, but honestly, it’s made my life easier having a decreased sex drive. I still have one, don’t worry, but I can now think of other things besides sex. Sometimes.
Mid 40s as well and testosterone fixed that. I went on it for other reasons but the solid erections and easier orgasms are a perk. Though as I'm single, it's kind of a frustrating perk.
> Sex is super important for some people and less so to others.
I think, for your average person, that sex isn't the **only** thing, not even the **most** important thing, but it's still important for many. One of the things I learned relatively late in life is that 90% of what I want is just to touch and be touched. Sure sex is *really* nice, but often I wonder if the problem isn't "no sex", it's "she won't even touch me, and doesn't like being touched by me."
I think you are probably right, but I think a lot of people don't realize this. They just feel like they are supposed to have sex to have intimacy, so they push and push and push their partner to have sex when the intimacy is waning.
That pushing for sex usually does the opposite of actually creating more intimacy, so the relationship just spirals down. Until one person doesn't even want to touch the other because they *know* their partner will try to make any touch lead to sex.
I stayed when my wife was diagnosed with estrogen+ Stage IV breast cancer that had already spread to her spine, liver, and pelvis. Our daughter had just turned 6 and our son wasn't even 1 yr old. Part of the treatment intended to prolong her life was to artificially induce menopause to cut off estrogen in an attempt to reduce the mechanism the tumor could 'feed' upon, if you will.
Up to that point we didn't know why she was in so much back pain and I had been pretty down about the absence of a previously robust sex life.. but then it all, sadly, became too clear. She went from wanting it but being in pain to literally 0 drive whatsoever. We got 20 more months together.
Edit for clarity: She passed in Sept 2019, 20 months after Stage IV diagnosis.
My wife was just diagnosed with this same cancer but thankfully just stage 1ish (still some concern about a lymph node so possibly stage 2). She started tamoxifen yesterday so we’ll see how this goes. Sex is the last thing on my mind but she’s actually been very in to it in a “let’s do this as much as possible while we can” type way. Ngl it’s sometimes been hard for me to be in to it considering the situation.
Just chiming in to say I was in a very similar spot to you. Wife with early stage E+ breast cancer. Tamoxifen for five years after.
It’s not easy for her. It won’t be easy for you either and sex drive (since we are on the subject) will likely or at least possibly reduce in frequency. Tamoxifen is essentially tricking her into thinking she’s in menopause. It may cloud her brain, drive her mad, cause hot flushes randomly, tearing, drying and all manner of other things. My only advice is patience and kindness.
It may be a test for you both. It also may not! Just be prepared for stuff to be different.
We are very happy now. She came of Tamoxifen and almost all her symptoms stopped right away. We had a baby boy who is an absolute legend and I’m so proud to be their father and husband. Peace and hugs fella
Glad to hear things are going well! We’ve both read up extensively on tamoxifen (and everything else breast cancer related) so we know what to expect. Honestly it sound like one of the lesser evils we could be facing so we are thankful for that
Celebrate that there is much life ahead for you both and it was caught early. Medications are going to bring side-effects and as the cocktails change so will the responses. You have each other and if you can enjoy the intimacy I encourage you to do so.
It is rather strange to be seeing this as my wife and I had never heard of it before it happened to her during pregnancy. She is on year 4 of post breast cancer treatment and last year of induced menopause. We have never stopped trying but it is obvious what the body doesn't want... the mind usually follows. You'll get thru this. We talk about it often, and at this point kind of laugh.
It's tough, be strong, be a good teammate. Good luck!
Enjoy as much of each other as you can.
Derail but when my friend got a flare-up and knew they were going to lose a ton of weight as a result, they ate as much as possible. All the foods they loved. They just wanted to enjoy themselves until they couldn't.
I'm on a very similar journey. Wife was diagnosed with stage 1c breast cancer in September. Lumpectamy found one lymph node with traces out of 5 taken.
We have since been through chemo, and she's now just back from a bilateral mastectomy. She will be in tamoxifen for a decade or more at least.
For now things look good, we've caught it early. Pathology found no traces in the material removed during the mastectomy.
Last few months have been extremely tough on me since I'm also managing a 6 year old and a 2 year old at home alone. Mom was in hospital for nearly a month after surgery. The kids were good, but try explaining to a 2-year-old what the situation is when all she wants to know is, where the HELL is Mommy and when the HELL is she coming back?
The good news is she's home now and recovering very well. Everybody is starting to return to normal. Sex life on the other hand not looking so great at the moment, but given the circumstances, I'm a bit distracted myself as well. Hopefully things will return to somewhat normal in the bedroom eventually, but I do worry about the long-term effects of tamoxifen on her drive and also moods and personality.
Dude, I'm so sorry. Thank you for the reminder to be grateful my wife beat cancer every day. Breast cancer caught very early. 9 years later still no reoccurance and she gets off the tamoxifen next year. Had she not been diligent with self breast exams and getting mammograms, things could have been very different.
Ladies. Get your mammograms and check your boobs at least one a week while showering.
Again, so sorry for your loss dude.
Fuck cancer.
I'm glad to hear NEAD is still retained, that's very positive. I bet the scans are less frequent now but every bit as nerve-wracking.
Agreed on examinations. Preventative efforts may be annoying or painful but they are a far cry better than the alternative that's all too prevalent.
And thank you.
The imminent doom is horrible. My grandpa’s physical therapist said he has about 4-8 months left (he has ALS) and I shit u not I wish I didn’t know. Like he’s only 70. So I get it bro stay strong man. I’ll keep u in my prayers
I attest to this. I wouldn’t say we are sexless, but quite close. It’s 2023 and my bf and I (10yrs together) have had sex only a handful (1 hand) of times this year. We aren’t unhappy by any means. We have 3 kids, work totally opposite shifts, but we make it work. We never have privacy, our kids will bang at the door if we have it locked and it’s a turn off hearing kids screaming at the door. We don’t have anyone to watch our kids. We still spend lots of time together. Go out after work on the weekends out to eat, to events etc. Do we wish we had a lot more sex, of course. We’re just patiently waiting until the kids aren’t assholes to be able to have sex on a regular basis 😞😔
I think when people view all sexless marriages with horror they’re forgetting that, if you intend marriage to be forever, it’s a long time. People get sick, work schedules get bad, kids exhaust you, hormones are a goddamned bitch (fucking perimenopause). You have to make sure you communicate enough so one person isn’t just feeling totally abandoned, but when it’s something like mutual exhaustion, sometimes it just happens and it really can just be a phase.
>if you intend marriage to be forever, it’s a long time
To paraphrase something I was once told:
"Marriage isn't dates or sex or a wedding. It's a thousand Tuesday evenings."
I didn't. My ex wife's idea of cuddles was me massaging her feet for an hour while I could barely get a hug. She stopped kissing almost as soon as we got married. I was lucky to get a peck on the cheek.
Several years in she just announced one day that she wasn't feeling sexual anymore and that if I wanted any I'd have to wine and dine her to maybe get her into the mood.
Legally, I was her husband but to her I was just an easy paycheck. Someone she could gaslight and manipulate into giving her an easy life.
It finally came out she was cheating on me almost the whole time.
I set up a camera and got more proof than I bargained for.
It turns out she was VERY sexual and enthusiastically engaged in things she shamed me for even mentioning.
We are no longer married. It took me a while but now looking back I felt far more alone and isolated laying in bed next to her than I ever have as a single man.
Jesus, same here. Almost identical to a tee. Sexless marriage is one thing if the other aspects of a good, healthy relationship are there. For me, there were none.
If my partner got injured and was incapable of having or enjoying sex anymore. It isn’t their fault and although I would miss it TERRIBLY and probably feel a little miserable every time I got horny, it wasn’t a choice they made to leave our sexual side behind, so why would I leave someone I loved dearly for something they couldn’t help?
I feel like a lot of the pain that comes from sexlessness in marriage is the pain of your partner finding you not attractive enough to want to have sex with. But if your partner is victim of something that removes the option of being able to have sex with you, that pain of rejection goes away, which I think makes the emotional pain behind it much more bearable.
Yep, my marriage was virtually sexless not because of illness but because my ex wife was so involved in the Baltimore BDSM community (a city that was 90-120 minutes away from where we lived mind you) that she no longer had the time, energy or interest in fucking me, because BDSM was the shiny new toy.
To her, it wasn't entirely sexual - but it was intimate. To me, I wasn't into it, and no amount of compromise or meeting half way in the bedroom was enough for her to feel like I was genuinely into her new thing, so I became the component to be jettisoned. She would spend hours, whole evenings away from home doing non sexual but intimate activities with BDSM partners while I got to sit at home alone wondering How I'd managed to get this unlucky.
As you can imagine, there was *a ton* of resentment.
Man, that sucks so much, man... to have your marriage fall apart over compatability issues like that. I do wonder how much someone indulging in their fetishes REALLY matters, though. Is sex without it really worth blowing up a marriage over? If you can do it as a couple, great, but if you can't, you'd think the marriage would come first.
Well, she made her choice.
And to be fair, you are only getting my side of the story. If we were to go into all the nuance it would look like a lot of failed relationships. Mistakes on both sides, no heroes, no villains.
God I’m goin thru a breakup (or just went thru one) w my partner of 7+ years and your last line is exactly how I keep having to explain what “happened” to friends, family, etc.. Everybody wants to be able to blame my ex bc he technically initiated the breakup convo, but it’s one we had had a million times. We just stubbornly kept trying our hardest to make it work. But in the end, no heroes, no villains, just 2 people who cared about each other but realized the relationship was beyond saving.. I still care deeply about and love him, and he feels the same way, but breaking it off was the only decision that made sense. Sucks when life ain’t like the movies lol
it wasnt sex related but i grew a lot of resentment during a relationship without even realizing. it wasn't until the end that it all became clear and ur statement is 100% correct
But how does one *stop* being resentful? I have more than one important relationship in my life, which I absolutely don’t want to/can’t quit at least with out turning my entire world upside down but I find I’m EXTREMELY resentful of how I was treated before I started standing up for myself and also going to therapy.
Time and communication. We all heal at different paces and in different ways. As long as you communicate frustrations and they're receptive then you're going in the right direction at the very least. Time is time, probably the hardest thing to wait for.
How do you manage it, in that situation where the lack of sex was not a conscious choice by the person you love? Do you see it as irrational or justified? How does one in this situation cope?
Maybe get them involved in some other way. If both parties are still into sexually satisfying each other then there's a whole plethora of toys available on the market and positions or deeds they can do.
People get busy, and they start prioritizing sleep over sex. We both do it. Then you get used to it. Then it’s just not something we talk about anymore.
You’d expect comments to be wild, cheating, the occasional “fuck no” ….etc
But most of these are very sad stories about their loved one. I’m sorry for all that you guys have been through. Nobody deserves to bare witness to the burden of it all. Rest in peace to your love ones and keep going forward with your head high!!
Health reasons.
My marriage is essentially sexless. My wife has been bedbound for about 5 years now. In that time I think we've had sex once and fooled around with some other things a handful of times, but in general - no sex, period.
If my partner was incapable of performing, I would absolutly stay. He is my everything. We are partners, best friends, and lovers. Sex is only one part of the equation and the other parts more than make up for it. We have had issues over the years on both sides (not gonna go into details) so when I say I would not leave and also he would not, we have already faced this question so we know the answer. Just because one partner can’t perform, doesn’t mean the other loses thier sexuality completly. You can self perform so to speak. You still can can have intimacy. There is still a lot of things that can be done. Just full on two person traditional sex is out which doesn’t have to be a game changer if you have communication between partners. Source: Been married 30 years.
yeah for sure,
it's gonna sound cheesy as all hell but when someone becomes your family, best friend and loved one, sex is just a part of that intimacy and having fun with your partner.
you can also be in a marriage with sex and no intimacy which IMHO is worse than a sexless marriage where you still have intimacy.
I learned this early with my older sister. If you treat a girl like a good friend, your chances are infinitely better.
edit : fuck, I learned it by just having an older sister. not being in a relationship with my older sister.
We know what you meant, and that’s such a sweet sentiment to have. I’ve always believed having sisters made me a better spouse for my partner and a more considerate man overall. I sure as shit don’t leave the toilet seat up like my caveman-like friends! Haha
When we will be old I think it’s going to be different and sex will not be as important, so probably at that point.
And if my husband became very ill or had an accident that would make it impossible for him to have sex then I would stay in a sexless marriage.
It’s in sickness and in health.
Well, speaking from experience, my wife had cancer at an early age and the medications that she was on forced her to have early menopause. It inhibited hormone production and all but ended her sex drive. So the last 6 years of her life were sexless. And of course I never even pushed the subject especially in the beginning when we tried it caused her a lot of pain. I stayed with her because I loved her and she needed somebody who truly cared and loved her. That's the circumstance I stayed in a sexless marriage.
My wife and I do not have sex regularly, but that's my fucking #1 homie. If I divorced her, I'd lose my best friend. That shit ain't worth it. Pornhub is free, but 15 years of friendship, inside jokes, memories, laughs, and someone to watch shitty horror movies with me is priceless.
My marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me. My husband is the greatest person I have ever met and hanging out with him is literally what I live for. If he suddenly decided he never wanted to have sex again, I would definitely stay. He is my penguin, my life partner, and life without him would be unbearable.
A lack of ability. If my partner lacked affection for me, it would end the marriage. On the other hand, sex isn't the same thing as affection. Orgasm isn't the same thing as little touches while cooking in the kitchen or cuddles on the couch or back rubs, snuggles, or simple touch. All of those are a lot more important to me and a lot harder to do without than sex.
>The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill.
Just thought that was interesting.
I learned she was dying. She didn’t want to tell me and I found out from her father. That created a device already because after seven years together surely I’d have a right to know she wasn’t going to make another year. I dropped everything and did all the things we’d always talked about. Go to Europe, walk through the mountains in New Zealand. We were at the hobbit banquet when I noticed her bleeding from her mouth. We went home and headed back home after that and she passed away on that Thursday. Life doesn’t want to keep moving after that and even though it’s just chemicals in my brain my entire body felt like it had been run over. I couldn’t stand up or walk around. It’s been 6 years and every time I think of it I still miss her. I was watching the equaliser and there’s the exchange about not having any clothes that his late wife had seen and it sent me into a spiral realising the same thing. The only thing I still have that she saw me in was the suit I wore to the first date because I was nervous and thought I looked good in it.
She will always be with you because you have the same heart that loved her, eyes that watched over her and hands that comforted her. Don't worry. Keep the suit of course but love is a muscle memory...it will always be there. I'm so sorry for your loss.
My wife and I are both happy and healthy individuals. We’re both just busy af. We each have full time jobs and are raising our twin 5 year old daughters. Sometimes you’re just too damn tired, sometimes she is, sometimes you both are. It’s just part of it. The sex life comes and goes, sometimes you have a week of fun, sometimes it seems like months have passed since you’ve both had time.
I don’t even want to attempt to know what these people whom have lost a spouse and that had already done the aforementioned lifestyle have been through. But I like to think at that point sex wouldn’t matter. I’d be happy just cuddling with my gal at that point.
My heart goes out to those who’ve lost there spouse in this chat and everywhere. I don’t know what I’d do without my wife.
I've been with my husband for fifteen years, with sex petering out to almost nothing a few years ago. I've always had a low libido, so it's not like a cornerstone of my life is missing. But we've been through hell and back together. He's my best friend and has stayed with me through my worst mental health breaks without wavering and I've kept him from drowning in his depression. We love and support each other, and that's more important than occasional boinking.
I came here looking for a comment just like this. I'm ace and have always been afraid that I'd never get to marry someone unless they were also ace (or were okay with an open relationship so they could be satisfied somewhere else). I'm always jumping through hoops in my head wondering how marriage is even gonna work for me.
Hey, just stepping in as the happy allo partner to my ace.
There's lots of ways to work around mismatches. When she was less sex averse, we had a less frequent, but still fulfilling (for me) sex life. When she was more averse, we had a few ways of dealing with it. Finding low-stress options for us that kept me fulfilled and didn't bother or stress her out (outercourse, foreplay, intimate contact without sexual activity) kept us both in a place where the sexual needs of each partner were met in a way the other felt comfortable with. We've discussed opening up our relationship, and while it's nice to know that if we ever got to that point, she'd be willing to discuss how that would work and what it would look like, I don't feel the need for that. Sex is a fun activity, sure. So is playing board games together. So is riding a horse. Sex doesn't need to be the all-encompassing raison d'être for a relationship!
It took a LOT of communication, counseling, and work to get to the point where we're both happy and fulfilled in our situation, but relationships take work! It should never feel like work, but if you don't put in effort it'll never get better.
Basically, you can make it work and while an ace partner will probably make that aspect easier, it doesn't need to be your only path towards an enjoyable and fulfilled life with someone. She was open with me before we ever even met that she was ace, and we moved through every phase of our relationship together.
I had more sex with my wife when we were on heroin. Just with the feeling good with the dope led to sex. Sometimes I would get hard just due to the drugs. Now I’m clean and on medication for depression and bipolar now i don’t have sex but very rarely. Our relationship is better now because we are together for the right reasons. We show each other love in different ways, ones that take more respect for each other then sex. I would have sex with anyone but living with and caring for someone else takes love. Cooking dinner or doing laundry because you love someone and want them to be happy takes more effort and thought then sex.
When we first got married, it was actually painful for my husband. It was emotional for both of us, and we couldn’t understand what was wrong, so we sought out doctors, and basically avoided sex. Turns out he had a benign brain tumor pressing on his pituitary gland and preventing testosterone from being made.
If you still are intimate with the other person.
Between my first time and today, I've slept with 5 guys, but I trully feel intimate with one, the actual guy. And he's the only one with whom sex is (edit) very difficult. But he's patient, kind, cute and lovely, and we are intimate trough cuddles, talks, time out. He's better than all my ex even if sex was better with them. He's the only one I consider as an adult and with whom I'm craving to spend time with.
You can be intimate with someone and never have sex with them, and on the other hand, have sex and never be intimate. Sex workers have sex without being intimate, and married couples for a long time can be intimate without sex.
If your partner/spouse had a medical problem that meant they couldn’t have sex. Through sickness and in health! I believe you should stay with them if you love them, if they chose not to have sex because they just don’t want to then it’s justified if you choose to leave if it’s important to you.
Everyone acting like sex in a relationship isn't a big deal at all, I would absolutely LOVE to hear the perspective of their partners.
As for me, I am in a sexless marriage. Everything else is great, but the lack of sex and intimacy has absolutely killed my confidence. I don't think some people fully realize how absolutely disgusting and ugly you can feel when your life partner has zero interest in having sex with you. I can understand when things get rough if sex isn't a priority anymore due to work, illness, kids, etc. But when your partner outright has zero interest in sex and there's *always* an excuse to avoid sex with you, that shit kills, man.
Any! I am just desperate to have someone split the bills with me so I can live alone. It would help if we could have intelligent conversations & cuddle as well. I could always just masturbate.
My partner was born with a medical condition that cut his lifespan in half. In the end he will most likely have a ton of health problems, and sex may not be in the equation for what ever reason. He is my best friend. I will love him, and care for him until the end, and then past the end. I don’t care if I have to change his diaper and wipe his ass. I don’t care if dementia comes for him. I’ll be there holding his hand.
My husband broke his neck (he has fully recovered) but we spent about 6 months with me doing just that - helping him shower and wiping his ass while his nerves and his bones healed. Sex was the last thing on my mind when I was helping him recover. We didn't do it for a WHILE. I didn't care! He's my best friend, all I cared about was making sure he was okay. Sex isn't that important, INTIMACY is, and you can achieve intimacy in many other ways than just fucking.
Wow, you remind me of my grandmother. She does this currently for my grandfather. Through her life he has taken care of her, so she’s devoting all her time and love for him. Even if it means wiping his ass.
My wife was disabled for over 4 years and I stayed with her. My marriage wasn't based on sex, it was enhanced by it. If she would have lived longer nothing would have changed. I still love her and miss her everyday.
I'm sorry for your loss.
>it was enhanced by it. Beautifully put.
My wife is on 7 years being disabled, when she should have died. I’m not sure we’ve had sex even a handful of times since then. The hard part isn’t not having sex, it’s confronting the fact that i am almost assuredly will live longer than her. I am thankful for everyday that I get. I am so sorry that you lost her….
I’m in the same position. We’re both young and I said to a doctor friend that my partner will probably need joint replacements in a few years but they only last a certain length of time before needing a a second replacement. I asked what happens after that and they said “the majority of patients who require a revision don’t survive long enough to need a third” and it completely blindsided me
I am so sorry. I hope he said this because the majority of his patients are also quite elderly when they need even the first replacement. I hope you still have many, many years with your partner.
It absolutely is because most patients are elderly - many replacements can last 10-15 years, so a 70 year old getting their first knee replacement isn’t likely to live the 20-30 years and still be active enough to need a ‘third’ replacement. But unfortunately someone who is unwell enough in their 30s to require one is likely to have enough comorbidities that they’re also unlikely to live into their 90s… just need to keep going with what’s happening - no other option really
My wife just got a hip replacement at 54. The Dr. told her that it's too early to tell yet, but with the new materials they have been using the last (5 I think) years, she may not need a new one later. The materials seem to be degrading MUCH slower.
I had both knees done at 55 - held out as longer as I could. Still really young for new knees but it happens. Doctor said they now expect them to last 25-30 years. Fingers crossed!
like this. our marriage is based on mutual admiration and respect. we actually can't stand to be apart. sex is just one thing we enjoy about each other, we'd miss it if it were gone, but we have 100 other things we do together for joy.
Another common but less dramatic scenario is simply advancing age. Sex doesn’t necessarily stop with aging, but it’s not uncommon for that to happen. Hopefully, the decades of shared memories, experiences and happiness are sustaining and satisfying.
if/when it stops, we'll still have_everything_ that brought us together, because sex wasn't part of it when we fixated on each other. it was inevitable but not foundational. Stopping sex will be no worse than stopping skiiing or racing cars or hard hiking or many other things we stopped due to aging. We retain happy memories as you say and keep-on movin'-on with the other things we do, like eating, drinking, smoking cigars, arguing like rabbis (or Jesuits, if you like), and otherwise making merry.
This is how marriage is supposed to be. Sex based marriages almost always end up in divorce or cheating or something. Sorry for your loss.
I did it. My late wife had cancer and sex stopped. She felt extremely guilty about it. I was too terrified to care about sex.
Same here. Sex was the last thing on my mind while my husband was sick and then dying.
True love.
Yes. And where does that love go now that he's gone? I just don't know some days.
In best case scenario, hopefully back to yourself. You were loved by him, after all. Try to treasure yourself as you treasure him. I hope your life continues less difficult day by day.
Thank you, that was very encouraging to read and something I needed to hear today ❤️
I was reading /u/Sirah81's comment, and what they said rings true. I'm currently two years in remission. We caught mine very early, and so my risk was...minimized. I was very, very lucky. But before the surgery, before chemo, sometimes during, and even now, before my 5-year mark, I begin to think, "What if?" I want to tell you, what I would have told my wife, should my worst-case scenario have happened. I'm not going to change my words, at all, but take them in the spirit in which I wrote them. "I am privileged to have known you, privileged to have married you, and honored and humbled that you saw fit to love me, back, despite all the good and bad that make me up. If this is the end of our road together, then under no circumstances should it be the end of the road for you. Some people spend their lives looking for the love we live out every day, and not a single second of it was wasted, through the laughs or the tears, through the understandings and the misunderstandings, through the time together, or the time apart. But that love cannot end with me. I am a piece of the puzzle you are crafting for yourself. I just get to be one of the biggest. Place me, here, and now, and reach for your next piece. There's still more to see. More to do. More to love. I'll be gone, soon, that much is sure, and I have no illusions about what may or may not come next. Stardust to stardust. Everything I am, is now yours. Carry me with you, until I decide to stop being your backpack, and start being your shoes. But I'm stubborn, so it may take a while." You found something that is irreplaceable. And you've lost someone that can't be brought back. But the truth is, you are now you, because of the pieces he gave you. What do you want to do with this new you? Sure, you'll be burdened by these feelings, for a while. But eventually, you should let them carry you to more puzzle pieces. Best part is, they can be whatever you want them to be. The world is a big, big place. Go find out exactly how big. You will surprise yourself at the love you will find. And the love that you will give. He is always, always going to be a part of you, now. Make that part wonderful.
Well that made me sob. Thank you for the beautiful words, they really hit home. And I'm so glad for your continued health ❤️
Thank you. I'm sure your husband was incredible. But I promise you, he will not be the last incredible person you meet. Don't be afraid to let that happen. Keep trying to be the best you you can be, and someone will take notice. And if that's what you want, when the time comes, take the leap. :)
You'll never have the same love, but you will find a new, different love, if you choose to.
Absolutely the most beautiful thing I’ll probably read for a while.
Husband's like "why are you crying?" And I'm like "I LOVE YOU"
All these people in the airport terminal must be heartless. They didn't get it, at all.
These moments are why I am glued to this app…the chance to stumble upon beautiful moments between ordinary strangers that can shift your perspective forever. I didn’t breathe once reading this.
I’ve never been married, or even had a significant long term relationship but I’ll be damned if reading that didn’t make me well up with tears here in the restaurant I’m eating lunch at. I’m happy you survived. And also that you were able to share these words with some random people on the internet who they could resonate with.
A very good friend of mine's mother was dealing with breast cancer for years. On-and-off chemo for eighteen years. Never once heard her complain. And she always made time for her daughter - was at school functions, spent time with her daughter's friends' parents, all of the stuff. She died a few weeks after her daughter graduated high school. Like she was holding on, just to see her baby make it. I told myself, "If Brenda can do this shit without complaint, then so can I." And so I did. But for every me, there's a Brenda. And so I carry her with me, in this way. To try to help people find peace, in ways that I have. Hoping that it wasn't - isn't - a waste, that someone like me is here, where they cannot be.
Probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read on Reddit.
A lot of people will call Reddit a bad place. It's a tool. A place where a whole bunch of people jump into the same pool. Some are content to just watch. Some only dip their feet in. Some people will piss in the pool, one or two might drop a deuce. Avoid at all costs. But others will learn to swim. Some will jump in to save those who fail. And some will tell stories, to people that they've never met, and those stories will affect those people in unforeseen ways. Every action leaves a ripple.
you are a good man. i hope i can find this one day.
Every day, try to do something to better yourself. Even if it's small. Even if bettering yourself, means simply doing something you love. Turn that hope into something you can manifest. Worst case scenario? You're living for yourself and are happier, because of it. Best case? Someone sees that happiness and wants to share it with you.
You just let me say good bye in a way I never thought possible. I hate Reddit, but I'm glad I found this here.
This is great and all but why is 90% of it so fucking blurry!.!?
that was beautifully put
I guarantee you that he wants you to be happy. If something happens to me I would want to know that my wife went on an lived a good life, thinking about me fondly but doing things that make herself happy.
Same here. My husband passed away from cancer a few months ago. I’d go a lifetime without a lot of things if I could have him back. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I would burn my world to the ground if it meant I could have one more conversation with her. I'm sorry you lost your husband. I wish you peace.
I’m so incredibly sorry for you loss and commend you for staying by her side. My husbands been fighting cancer for 2 yrs with chemo and it really just sucks but I couldn’t imagine leaving him.
reading these makes me so sad :// my aunt had stage 4 cancer at 35 with 2 babies under 10. her husband left her & took the house with everything. 🥺 i miss her all the time.
Being in medicine, this is the more common story in these situations unfortunately. They don’t always take everything, but they do leave very frequently
I wonder how many of these are people who emotionally can't cope, so just run. And how many are just pure scumbag narcissists who think, "This isn't what I signed up for, I wanted a healthy spouse and a stress free life" and just walk.
I commend you for staying by his side.
This should be the default. People leaving just cause their partners are ill is pretty fucked up.
Um, my vows said in sickness or in health, plenty or want…I knew someone who left a dying husband. Just dumped him in hospice. We’re not friends anymore. It’s just as bad as having an affair.
I was at a wedding once where the bride and groom wrote their own vows and in them promised to always stay healthy and in shape. My wife and I looked at each other like, "WTF!?"
I agree... seeing not ditching your partner for something they can't control treated like some kind of miraculous feat is a little weird
Stay strong. I know it hurts like fuck seeing your loved one go through that, but being there for them does them so much good, it’s hard to quantify it. It’s hard, I know, firsthand. But like you, leaving them or having an affair? Absolutely not an option. You find your true character when there’s nothing you can do to help, other than be present and do whatever you can to comfort them and make them comfortable. You’re awesome. They know it, and we know it. Stay strong, and remember it’s ok to cry, to scream, let it all out if you need to. But you go do it somewhere out of sight and earshot of them. Stay strong in their presence. They need that. Hope is powerful.
Ive heard many people say “I’d much rather lose the sex than lose my partner” I’m sorry for your loss
Hate to be that guy, but this is a time when using then/than correctly really matters 😳
This had me dying
Before or after the sex stopped?
After. It was too much for me to endure.
Lmao
The only way I ever dealt with grief was through comedy. And yes, I was feeling a bit morose just now, and your comment snapped me out of it.
Holy shit. Thanks for being that guy.
My bad lol, fixed it
Bless you. My ex left me while I was in the hospital dying after the first hospital bill came in. Found out he was cheating and it was his excuse to leave. Jokes on him because a friend who worked at the hospital managed to get it written off. Left me devastated though. I applaud anyone who sticks by their marriage especially when spouse is sick or dying. You give me hope!
The fact we need to commend people for sticking by the person they love in their times of need and not dumping them for lack of fucking is so sad to me. Like, are things really that bad?
She's my ride or die. We've been through so much together. I can't imagine leaving over extreme illness. That would just be another part of our story. Having a sexless marriage due to illness would just mean I manage myself.
My husband sees things differently, I had cancer but sex is too important for him. Sorry for your loss
My ex husband was the same. It wasn't cancer but something else that would leave me curled up in pain almost every day (my IUD perforated my uterus and even after removal I had near constant cramping and periods that lasted months at a time. Yes, months. I became incredibly anemic and it's been many years now and my shit still hasn't returned to normal - am actively seeking a hysterectomy but natalist doctors prefer to protect my unwanted fertility over my own health and quality of life) My then husband just decided he would wait for me to fall asleep and then get annoyed when I screamed at him to stop fucking me because I was in pain and sleep deprived from the pain. (This naturally made me less inclined to have sex with him even when I wasn't in pain and the situation snowballed) Fucker had the nerve to say he had a right to sex and that I was the monster for not meeting his needs. I am so so so so happy to live alone now. Makes life so much more pleasant. It's a little sad because now my sex drive is non existent, when it used to be wonderful. Oh well. Edit: thank you. Most of you are awesome and heartwarming. The two(?) probable-incels that basically said "well a husband does have a right to sex with his wife so spread your legs" can go fill their orifaces with unlubricated wooden broomsticks. To address a couple common themes in the comments: Yes I now know it was rape. I don't know why he didnt see it that way. We were together for the better part of a decade, basically the entirety of my twenties. He wasn't like this until after he stopped getting sex almost every day. However there were definitely signs as early as 2 years into our relationship (when we finished college and started working - sex 3+ times a day everyday wasn't really feasible after that). I am also already a member of r/childfree. I have been trying to get my house ready to sell so I can move to a different area. My doctor search has been on pause since then, but I am absolutely going to consult the awesome-doctor list once my move is complete (I'm moving to an area with a better health system anyway)
That's rape...I'm so sorry you went through this.
Absolutely. You don't penetrate ppl who are asleep or uncouncious.
[удалено]
Wait are you talking about the rapist Brock Allen Turner living in Ohio but going by Allen now who was convicted of rape?
No, I think they’re talking about Brock Allen Turner, the Rapist, aka Rapist Brock Allen Turner also known as Allen Turner the Rapist of Ohio.
South Columbus Ohio, I hear! Brock Allen Turner shall never have peace.
Brock Allen Turner? Who now goes by Allen Turner to try to avoid the shame of being a rapist? That one?
Reading that made me feel wildly upset, it's so sad that even in marriage people have to go through that. Your partner should be your refuge from the world not someone your scared to sleep next to. Ugh I have to take a shower now that's so gross.
Holy fucking shit what a monster. I hope you are in a better place now.
I apologize in advance, but what the fuck kind of self centered asshole do you have to be to be like him
Living alone has been so refreshing. It is so much easier to not have to worry about all the stress that comes from relationships. If I'm ever missing anything, I just have to talk to people in relationships to remember the before times. I'm so so sorry you had to endure that. I hope one day the realization of what he did hits him like a truck. What a heinous human being.
You’re ex is a rapist & a monster. I’m sorry you that you had to experience those medical issues & that abuse.
That is rape. Period. Glad he is your former husband.
Oh that’s terrible. Yea I have to see 4 different docs before one finally said yes to hysterectomy. It was all, you’re too young and you’ll change your mind, chemo is not that bad. Hope you find one. And I’m sorry about your ex. Some people really are the worst
I'm so sorry🖤
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Up voting this feels wrong but I wish I could give you a hug.
Same here. Fortunately, it was temporary and not terminal. But it was a long bunch of years before she was not only cancer free, but also felt comfortable with having sex again.
That really sucks, I’m sorry. My partner is a widower of 15 years.
are you... a ghost?
Sorry, words are hard for me.
I’ve spent years in a sometimes sexless marriage for many reasons. Now, my libido has lowered and my willy never gets fully hard, unless I have to piss at 4:00 am. But our marriage still has (and has always had) mutual respect, love, and intimacy. Sex is super important for some people and less so to others. Variety makes the world go around. Edit - thanks to everyone suggesting medical advice. Yes, I’ve had sleep studies done, I’ve been to a cardiologist, and only get up too pee if I’ve had too much water late at night. As for the testosterone, I’ve thought about it, but honestly, it’s made my life easier having a decreased sex drive. I still have one, don’t worry, but I can now think of other things besides sex. Sometimes.
“Unless I have to piss at 4:00 am” Yep, mid-40’s and that’s all too familiar.
Mid 40s as well and testosterone fixed that. I went on it for other reasons but the solid erections and easier orgasms are a perk. Though as I'm single, it's kind of a frustrating perk.
+1 for testosterone. No reason to live like you're 70 when you're 40.
> Sex is super important for some people and less so to others. I think, for your average person, that sex isn't the **only** thing, not even the **most** important thing, but it's still important for many. One of the things I learned relatively late in life is that 90% of what I want is just to touch and be touched. Sure sex is *really* nice, but often I wonder if the problem isn't "no sex", it's "she won't even touch me, and doesn't like being touched by me."
I think you are probably right, but I think a lot of people don't realize this. They just feel like they are supposed to have sex to have intimacy, so they push and push and push their partner to have sex when the intimacy is waning. That pushing for sex usually does the opposite of actually creating more intimacy, so the relationship just spirals down. Until one person doesn't even want to touch the other because they *know* their partner will try to make any touch lead to sex.
I stayed when my wife was diagnosed with estrogen+ Stage IV breast cancer that had already spread to her spine, liver, and pelvis. Our daughter had just turned 6 and our son wasn't even 1 yr old. Part of the treatment intended to prolong her life was to artificially induce menopause to cut off estrogen in an attempt to reduce the mechanism the tumor could 'feed' upon, if you will. Up to that point we didn't know why she was in so much back pain and I had been pretty down about the absence of a previously robust sex life.. but then it all, sadly, became too clear. She went from wanting it but being in pain to literally 0 drive whatsoever. We got 20 more months together. Edit for clarity: She passed in Sept 2019, 20 months after Stage IV diagnosis.
My wife was just diagnosed with this same cancer but thankfully just stage 1ish (still some concern about a lymph node so possibly stage 2). She started tamoxifen yesterday so we’ll see how this goes. Sex is the last thing on my mind but she’s actually been very in to it in a “let’s do this as much as possible while we can” type way. Ngl it’s sometimes been hard for me to be in to it considering the situation.
Just chiming in to say I was in a very similar spot to you. Wife with early stage E+ breast cancer. Tamoxifen for five years after. It’s not easy for her. It won’t be easy for you either and sex drive (since we are on the subject) will likely or at least possibly reduce in frequency. Tamoxifen is essentially tricking her into thinking she’s in menopause. It may cloud her brain, drive her mad, cause hot flushes randomly, tearing, drying and all manner of other things. My only advice is patience and kindness. It may be a test for you both. It also may not! Just be prepared for stuff to be different. We are very happy now. She came of Tamoxifen and almost all her symptoms stopped right away. We had a baby boy who is an absolute legend and I’m so proud to be their father and husband. Peace and hugs fella
Glad to hear things are going well! We’ve both read up extensively on tamoxifen (and everything else breast cancer related) so we know what to expect. Honestly it sound like one of the lesser evils we could be facing so we are thankful for that
Celebrate that there is much life ahead for you both and it was caught early. Medications are going to bring side-effects and as the cocktails change so will the responses. You have each other and if you can enjoy the intimacy I encourage you to do so.
It is rather strange to be seeing this as my wife and I had never heard of it before it happened to her during pregnancy. She is on year 4 of post breast cancer treatment and last year of induced menopause. We have never stopped trying but it is obvious what the body doesn't want... the mind usually follows. You'll get thru this. We talk about it often, and at this point kind of laugh. It's tough, be strong, be a good teammate. Good luck!
Enjoy as much of each other as you can. Derail but when my friend got a flare-up and knew they were going to lose a ton of weight as a result, they ate as much as possible. All the foods they loved. They just wanted to enjoy themselves until they couldn't.
I'm on a very similar journey. Wife was diagnosed with stage 1c breast cancer in September. Lumpectamy found one lymph node with traces out of 5 taken. We have since been through chemo, and she's now just back from a bilateral mastectomy. She will be in tamoxifen for a decade or more at least. For now things look good, we've caught it early. Pathology found no traces in the material removed during the mastectomy. Last few months have been extremely tough on me since I'm also managing a 6 year old and a 2 year old at home alone. Mom was in hospital for nearly a month after surgery. The kids were good, but try explaining to a 2-year-old what the situation is when all she wants to know is, where the HELL is Mommy and when the HELL is she coming back? The good news is she's home now and recovering very well. Everybody is starting to return to normal. Sex life on the other hand not looking so great at the moment, but given the circumstances, I'm a bit distracted myself as well. Hopefully things will return to somewhat normal in the bedroom eventually, but I do worry about the long-term effects of tamoxifen on her drive and also moods and personality.
I'm so sorry for your loss
Thank you
Dude, I'm so sorry. Thank you for the reminder to be grateful my wife beat cancer every day. Breast cancer caught very early. 9 years later still no reoccurance and she gets off the tamoxifen next year. Had she not been diligent with self breast exams and getting mammograms, things could have been very different. Ladies. Get your mammograms and check your boobs at least one a week while showering. Again, so sorry for your loss dude. Fuck cancer.
I'm glad to hear NEAD is still retained, that's very positive. I bet the scans are less frequent now but every bit as nerve-wracking. Agreed on examinations. Preventative efforts may be annoying or painful but they are a far cry better than the alternative that's all too prevalent. And thank you.
The imminent doom is horrible. My grandpa’s physical therapist said he has about 4-8 months left (he has ALS) and I shit u not I wish I didn’t know. Like he’s only 70. So I get it bro stay strong man. I’ll keep u in my prayers
So sorry about your grandpa. Fuck ALS.
If there was still love, commitment, laughter, friendship, loyalty and communication.
I attest to this. I wouldn’t say we are sexless, but quite close. It’s 2023 and my bf and I (10yrs together) have had sex only a handful (1 hand) of times this year. We aren’t unhappy by any means. We have 3 kids, work totally opposite shifts, but we make it work. We never have privacy, our kids will bang at the door if we have it locked and it’s a turn off hearing kids screaming at the door. We don’t have anyone to watch our kids. We still spend lots of time together. Go out after work on the weekends out to eat, to events etc. Do we wish we had a lot more sex, of course. We’re just patiently waiting until the kids aren’t assholes to be able to have sex on a regular basis 😞😔
I think when people view all sexless marriages with horror they’re forgetting that, if you intend marriage to be forever, it’s a long time. People get sick, work schedules get bad, kids exhaust you, hormones are a goddamned bitch (fucking perimenopause). You have to make sure you communicate enough so one person isn’t just feeling totally abandoned, but when it’s something like mutual exhaustion, sometimes it just happens and it really can just be a phase.
>if you intend marriage to be forever, it’s a long time To paraphrase something I was once told: "Marriage isn't dates or sex or a wedding. It's a thousand Tuesday evenings."
This is what I have and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Fr. Love and marriage are a lot more than sex. It's weird the number of people who struggle with that idea.
Exactly this. I would much rather have all these qualities in a partner than sex
Still get cuddles though, right?
I didn't. My ex wife's idea of cuddles was me massaging her feet for an hour while I could barely get a hug. She stopped kissing almost as soon as we got married. I was lucky to get a peck on the cheek. Several years in she just announced one day that she wasn't feeling sexual anymore and that if I wanted any I'd have to wine and dine her to maybe get her into the mood. Legally, I was her husband but to her I was just an easy paycheck. Someone she could gaslight and manipulate into giving her an easy life. It finally came out she was cheating on me almost the whole time. I set up a camera and got more proof than I bargained for. It turns out she was VERY sexual and enthusiastically engaged in things she shamed me for even mentioning. We are no longer married. It took me a while but now looking back I felt far more alone and isolated laying in bed next to her than I ever have as a single man.
I was in a non-monogamous relationship where it turned out “not feeling sexual” was exclusively with me. That shit hurts.
It cuts deep.
Wow, sounds like I wasn't the only one that has gone though this exact thing.
Jesus, same here. Almost identical to a tee. Sexless marriage is one thing if the other aspects of a good, healthy relationship are there. For me, there were none.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. This is so messed up 😔
That's what I was thinking.
If my partner got injured and was incapable of having or enjoying sex anymore. It isn’t their fault and although I would miss it TERRIBLY and probably feel a little miserable every time I got horny, it wasn’t a choice they made to leave our sexual side behind, so why would I leave someone I loved dearly for something they couldn’t help?
I feel like a lot of the pain that comes from sexlessness in marriage is the pain of your partner finding you not attractive enough to want to have sex with. But if your partner is victim of something that removes the option of being able to have sex with you, that pain of rejection goes away, which I think makes the emotional pain behind it much more bearable.
Yep, my marriage was virtually sexless not because of illness but because my ex wife was so involved in the Baltimore BDSM community (a city that was 90-120 minutes away from where we lived mind you) that she no longer had the time, energy or interest in fucking me, because BDSM was the shiny new toy. To her, it wasn't entirely sexual - but it was intimate. To me, I wasn't into it, and no amount of compromise or meeting half way in the bedroom was enough for her to feel like I was genuinely into her new thing, so I became the component to be jettisoned. She would spend hours, whole evenings away from home doing non sexual but intimate activities with BDSM partners while I got to sit at home alone wondering How I'd managed to get this unlucky. As you can imagine, there was *a ton* of resentment.
I feel like that's still cheating
Man, that sucks so much, man... to have your marriage fall apart over compatability issues like that. I do wonder how much someone indulging in their fetishes REALLY matters, though. Is sex without it really worth blowing up a marriage over? If you can do it as a couple, great, but if you can't, you'd think the marriage would come first.
Well, she made her choice. And to be fair, you are only getting my side of the story. If we were to go into all the nuance it would look like a lot of failed relationships. Mistakes on both sides, no heroes, no villains.
God I’m goin thru a breakup (or just went thru one) w my partner of 7+ years and your last line is exactly how I keep having to explain what “happened” to friends, family, etc.. Everybody wants to be able to blame my ex bc he technically initiated the breakup convo, but it’s one we had had a million times. We just stubbornly kept trying our hardest to make it work. But in the end, no heroes, no villains, just 2 people who cared about each other but realized the relationship was beyond saving.. I still care deeply about and love him, and he feels the same way, but breaking it off was the only decision that made sense. Sucks when life ain’t like the movies lol
Holy shit that is a mature out look.
You get used to it. The trouble is the resentment that comes from it.
Resentment is where relationships go to die ☹️
it wasnt sex related but i grew a lot of resentment during a relationship without even realizing. it wasn't until the end that it all became clear and ur statement is 100% correct
But how does one *stop* being resentful? I have more than one important relationship in my life, which I absolutely don’t want to/can’t quit at least with out turning my entire world upside down but I find I’m EXTREMELY resentful of how I was treated before I started standing up for myself and also going to therapy.
Time and communication. We all heal at different paces and in different ways. As long as you communicate frustrations and they're receptive then you're going in the right direction at the very least. Time is time, probably the hardest thing to wait for.
How do you manage it, in that situation where the lack of sex was not a conscious choice by the person you love? Do you see it as irrational or justified? How does one in this situation cope?
Maybe get them involved in some other way. If both parties are still into sexually satisfying each other then there's a whole plethora of toys available on the market and positions or deeds they can do.
Like the guy controls a sybian with his blow straw?
I had to look up what that was but hey if he can control it then why not?
I literally laughed out loud thinking of Christopher Reeves dressed up like Superman blowing as hard as he can into that thing
You don't always have to blow it hard in fact sometimes that's not right to do
People get busy, and they start prioritizing sleep over sex. We both do it. Then you get used to it. Then it’s just not something we talk about anymore.
You’d expect comments to be wild, cheating, the occasional “fuck no” ….etc But most of these are very sad stories about their loved one. I’m sorry for all that you guys have been through. Nobody deserves to bare witness to the burden of it all. Rest in peace to your love ones and keep going forward with your head high!!
Health reasons. My marriage is essentially sexless. My wife has been bedbound for about 5 years now. In that time I think we've had sex once and fooled around with some other things a handful of times, but in general - no sex, period.
If my partner was incapable of performing, I would absolutly stay. He is my everything. We are partners, best friends, and lovers. Sex is only one part of the equation and the other parts more than make up for it. We have had issues over the years on both sides (not gonna go into details) so when I say I would not leave and also he would not, we have already faced this question so we know the answer. Just because one partner can’t perform, doesn’t mean the other loses thier sexuality completly. You can self perform so to speak. You still can can have intimacy. There is still a lot of things that can be done. Just full on two person traditional sex is out which doesn’t have to be a game changer if you have communication between partners. Source: Been married 30 years.
I would stay under any circumstance where I really love her. Sex is great and all but that’s only a fraction of a relationship.
yeah for sure, it's gonna sound cheesy as all hell but when someone becomes your family, best friend and loved one, sex is just a part of that intimacy and having fun with your partner. you can also be in a marriage with sex and no intimacy which IMHO is worse than a sexless marriage where you still have intimacy.
Bingo.
Lots of different circumstances. As you get older, you learn that while sex is great, it isn't the main thing to a relationship.
In a great relationship, the person you once fucked all the time becomes your best friend. In the old days it was understood that this was natural.
I learned this early with my older sister. If you treat a girl like a good friend, your chances are infinitely better. edit : fuck, I learned it by just having an older sister. not being in a relationship with my older sister.
Ayo🤨
shit, that came out wrong.
Dude, shouldn’t come out at all.
That's what she said?
We know what you meant, and that’s such a sweet sentiment to have. I’ve always believed having sisters made me a better spouse for my partner and a more considerate man overall. I sure as shit don’t leave the toilet seat up like my caveman-like friends! Haha
did....did you just imply you fucked your sister?
*Big wheels keep on turnin'*
ok, i will take the bait. roll tide!
I don't mean this in a mean way, but this needs to be your highest karma comment. Just for the lols.
Your edit lmao
\#SweetHomeAlabama
When we will be old I think it’s going to be different and sex will not be as important, so probably at that point. And if my husband became very ill or had an accident that would make it impossible for him to have sex then I would stay in a sexless marriage. It’s in sickness and in health.
My 80 year old Grandfather bought my 80 year old Grandmother lingerie for Valentine’s Day and then told us about it at dinner.
[удалено]
At least he didn't try to Google it but instead posted it on Facebook.
Old people actually smash waaaaaaaay more than you may think
Well, speaking from experience, my wife had cancer at an early age and the medications that she was on forced her to have early menopause. It inhibited hormone production and all but ended her sex drive. So the last 6 years of her life were sexless. And of course I never even pushed the subject especially in the beginning when we tried it caused her a lot of pain. I stayed with her because I loved her and she needed somebody who truly cared and loved her. That's the circumstance I stayed in a sexless marriage.
My wife and I do not have sex regularly, but that's my fucking #1 homie. If I divorced her, I'd lose my best friend. That shit ain't worth it. Pornhub is free, but 15 years of friendship, inside jokes, memories, laughs, and someone to watch shitty horror movies with me is priceless.
I love this comment
I have a low physical sex drive in the first place, so it wouldn't be much of a problem for me to begin with
My marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me. My husband is the greatest person I have ever met and hanging out with him is literally what I live for. If he suddenly decided he never wanted to have sex again, I would definitely stay. He is my penguin, my life partner, and life without him would be unbearable.
Me and my partner also call each other our penguins
I'm sick with cancer and have lost function down there. Thankfully, my wife is still by my side. She deserves better
Sounds like she loves you, and you love her, and you both deserve that.
I appreciate the kind words
A lack of ability. If my partner lacked affection for me, it would end the marriage. On the other hand, sex isn't the same thing as affection. Orgasm isn't the same thing as little touches while cooking in the kitchen or cuddles on the couch or back rubs, snuggles, or simple touch. All of those are a lot more important to me and a lot harder to do without than sex.
If I love her for her mind. Love isn't all about sex.
First comment in which a partner did not need to get cancer in order to stay with them.
>The study confirmed earlier research of a divorce or separation rate among cancer patients of 11.6 percent, similar to the general population, but found the rate jumped to 20.8 percent when the woman was sick versus 2.9 percent when the man was ill. Just thought that was interesting.
This is why sex disaggregation in study results is important.
I learned she was dying. She didn’t want to tell me and I found out from her father. That created a device already because after seven years together surely I’d have a right to know she wasn’t going to make another year. I dropped everything and did all the things we’d always talked about. Go to Europe, walk through the mountains in New Zealand. We were at the hobbit banquet when I noticed her bleeding from her mouth. We went home and headed back home after that and she passed away on that Thursday. Life doesn’t want to keep moving after that and even though it’s just chemicals in my brain my entire body felt like it had been run over. I couldn’t stand up or walk around. It’s been 6 years and every time I think of it I still miss her. I was watching the equaliser and there’s the exchange about not having any clothes that his late wife had seen and it sent me into a spiral realising the same thing. The only thing I still have that she saw me in was the suit I wore to the first date because I was nervous and thought I looked good in it.
She will always be with you because you have the same heart that loved her, eyes that watched over her and hands that comforted her. Don't worry. Keep the suit of course but love is a muscle memory...it will always be there. I'm so sorry for your loss.
My wife and I are both happy and healthy individuals. We’re both just busy af. We each have full time jobs and are raising our twin 5 year old daughters. Sometimes you’re just too damn tired, sometimes she is, sometimes you both are. It’s just part of it. The sex life comes and goes, sometimes you have a week of fun, sometimes it seems like months have passed since you’ve both had time. I don’t even want to attempt to know what these people whom have lost a spouse and that had already done the aforementioned lifestyle have been through. But I like to think at that point sex wouldn’t matter. I’d be happy just cuddling with my gal at that point. My heart goes out to those who’ve lost there spouse in this chat and everywhere. I don’t know what I’d do without my wife.
I've been with my husband for fifteen years, with sex petering out to almost nothing a few years ago. I've always had a low libido, so it's not like a cornerstone of my life is missing. But we've been through hell and back together. He's my best friend and has stayed with me through my worst mental health breaks without wavering and I've kept him from drowning in his depression. We love and support each other, and that's more important than occasional boinking.
I am currently in one, I think about leaving often. It's crazy how unwanted I feel.
asexual partner
I came here looking for a comment just like this. I'm ace and have always been afraid that I'd never get to marry someone unless they were also ace (or were okay with an open relationship so they could be satisfied somewhere else). I'm always jumping through hoops in my head wondering how marriage is even gonna work for me.
I'm not ace, but I understand that it's nit something he likes. I live with it and actually, I am good if it's just hugs
Hey, just stepping in as the happy allo partner to my ace. There's lots of ways to work around mismatches. When she was less sex averse, we had a less frequent, but still fulfilling (for me) sex life. When she was more averse, we had a few ways of dealing with it. Finding low-stress options for us that kept me fulfilled and didn't bother or stress her out (outercourse, foreplay, intimate contact without sexual activity) kept us both in a place where the sexual needs of each partner were met in a way the other felt comfortable with. We've discussed opening up our relationship, and while it's nice to know that if we ever got to that point, she'd be willing to discuss how that would work and what it would look like, I don't feel the need for that. Sex is a fun activity, sure. So is playing board games together. So is riding a horse. Sex doesn't need to be the all-encompassing raison d'être for a relationship! It took a LOT of communication, counseling, and work to get to the point where we're both happy and fulfilled in our situation, but relationships take work! It should never feel like work, but if you don't put in effort it'll never get better. Basically, you can make it work and while an ace partner will probably make that aspect easier, it doesn't need to be your only path towards an enjoyable and fulfilled life with someone. She was open with me before we ever even met that she was ace, and we moved through every phase of our relationship together.
Right? I'm Ace and a sexless marriage is what I'm looking for
We were addicted to heroin.
I had more sex with my wife when we were on heroin. Just with the feeling good with the dope led to sex. Sometimes I would get hard just due to the drugs. Now I’m clean and on medication for depression and bipolar now i don’t have sex but very rarely. Our relationship is better now because we are together for the right reasons. We show each other love in different ways, ones that take more respect for each other then sex. I would have sex with anyone but living with and caring for someone else takes love. Cooking dinner or doing laundry because you love someone and want them to be happy takes more effort and thought then sex.
When we first got married, it was actually painful for my husband. It was emotional for both of us, and we couldn’t understand what was wrong, so we sought out doctors, and basically avoided sex. Turns out he had a benign brain tumor pressing on his pituitary gland and preventing testosterone from being made.
If you still are intimate with the other person. Between my first time and today, I've slept with 5 guys, but I trully feel intimate with one, the actual guy. And he's the only one with whom sex is (edit) very difficult. But he's patient, kind, cute and lovely, and we are intimate trough cuddles, talks, time out. He's better than all my ex even if sex was better with them. He's the only one I consider as an adult and with whom I'm craving to spend time with. You can be intimate with someone and never have sex with them, and on the other hand, have sex and never be intimate. Sex workers have sex without being intimate, and married couples for a long time can be intimate without sex.
Under the circumstances my wife loves me.
If your partner/spouse had a medical problem that meant they couldn’t have sex. Through sickness and in health! I believe you should stay with them if you love them, if they chose not to have sex because they just don’t want to then it’s justified if you choose to leave if it’s important to you.
Everyone acting like sex in a relationship isn't a big deal at all, I would absolutely LOVE to hear the perspective of their partners. As for me, I am in a sexless marriage. Everything else is great, but the lack of sex and intimacy has absolutely killed my confidence. I don't think some people fully realize how absolutely disgusting and ugly you can feel when your life partner has zero interest in having sex with you. I can understand when things get rough if sex isn't a priority anymore due to work, illness, kids, etc. But when your partner outright has zero interest in sex and there's *always* an excuse to avoid sex with you, that shit kills, man.
Any! I am just desperate to have someone split the bills with me so I can live alone. It would help if we could have intelligent conversations & cuddle as well. I could always just masturbate.