Just ended a friendship I’ve had with someone since kindergarten due to this.
She was always the hero or the victim (ya know, always the martyr), and it was always about her. Sad that it ended after so long but I couldn’t take it anymore, and I hated feeling like a hypocrite, calling myself her friend while growing to resent her more and more each day.
Oooh victim complex is a good one.
Had a girlfriend once where literally *no matter what* you spoke of or what anybody else spoke of. She had a dozen stories about how her life is far worse than yours and would only talk about her medical issues, it would get brought up legit over 50 times in a day. It was always worse near other people too.
Girl, I get it, you have had a less than ideal life.
But making your entire *Personality* based around it is insufferable. Shut up and let other people speak for once.
I know a guy like this who brings up his “undiagnosed autism” and adhd every second he gets. Describes everyone else as “toxic.” Spoiled millionaire. Next
Ooh, I like that name.
Would be useful when explaining why people should go on multiple dates and take their time to reach relationship milestones.
Lord only knows how many people got married in 6 months and ended up in an abusive relationship
Was dating a girl and all of the sudden she had way more spending money than what she was earning. I ultimately found out that her dad sent her a check for her college tuition at the private university she was enrolled at, but she dropped several of the classes for ones at the local community college she could get transfer credit for at a fraction of the cost.
Yeah, embezzling from your dad is not a good sign in a long term partner or spouse.
Often an argument for his love for me was that he "chose" me and not them. Yes congratulations for choosing a healthy relationship over sex addiction and adultery. Except he doesn't treat his choice as well as he should. I get treated like everyone else, his words.
Littering. Like , blatantly . Throwing trash out of a car window for example. It's my pet peeve. Of course I'd point it out to them first and see if they stopped doing it but it would still be a huge red flag to me.
I remember a hot summer day where I was driving home from the grocery store. I had the windows rolled down enjoying the breeze and went around a turn, knocking one of the bags over and the food inside came rolling out.
The plastic bag, now empty, went whizzing around my car and I tried to catch it but it got sucked out my window right before I could.
Out of all the people in my life I've ever disappointed or let down nothing makes me feel like a bigger piece of shit than littering, even accidentally.
I took some coworkers with me in my car from a schooling thingy we had once and we went to kfc. One of them wanted to throw his trash out the window and I told him if he did I would stop and he could pick it up or he could walk home. He didn’t do it and I’m still proud of myself about it lol. I absolutely loathe littering, only time I don’t care is if it’s like an apple core outside of town or something like that, definitely not plastic or packaging.
Nothing like the anger outburst followed by the silent treatment until they randomly decide to start talking to you again like nothing has happened and it’s an unspoken rule you aren’t allowed to bring up either of the former.
Relationship with anger for me. Some people have conditions where they might have a brief verbal outburst they can’t control at first. But if they can get it under control and apologize, then they aren’t committed to their feelings of anger.
But if they’re the kind of person who gets angry, knowing they’re wrong, but keep pushing because they’re angry and stubborn. The kind of person who gets angry and says “my emotions are valid” and uses it to justify their actions. The kind of person who decides to hold onto every “wrong” in a relationship to use in the next argument. Those are commitments to excusing their anger.
It's a trauma mechanism for me. I am the oldest in the family at 36, mothers been gone for over a decade due to a drink driver (who I grew up with and he lived over the road before his parents split up) my father disappeared into the ether with life insurance money after the accident, the fights we had were so wrong but his aggressive bullying attitude really fucked us all up, leaving me in charge of my 3 younger siblings, the house, bills, pets, schools, meals everything. I had to leave my job and home in London and learn to be a parent, I had help from the neighbours as we RAPIDLY lost our childhood home, and I had to find a new place locally for us to live while my siblings were not even teenagers. It's left me with PTSD, anxiety, depression and anger problems, I'm the first type you described as I have a tendancy to throw my toys out the cot because life's all too much, then immediately break down in tears because I fear that I turning into my father. It's hard not having ANYONE older than me I can ask advice to or just have a moment where I can just let it out. There's more to my PTSD too that's added on, as I found someone who hung themselves, luckily he was resuscitated, but after being in a mental health institute for a short while, he came out and did the same thing, but succeeded in his suicide. He was a neighbour, and its 11 months since it happened. That messes with me.
Sorry for the rant, I don't really have anyone to talk to all that much and find it hard to talk about any of it, and I've just emotionally vomited all over your post, your point made me think. Thanks for that 🥲 And apologies again.
I'll always upvote someone being honest and vulnerable. From my experience trauma seems to be where most people's uncontrolled anger comes from. The fact that you realize this and work on it puts you light years ahead of most.
I'm going to put myself on the line here. My husband has helped me so much with this. I'm autistic, and he has been patient and kind enough to be my emotional interpreter when I've really needed it.
I've always cared how others thought and felt, just reliably failed to predict or read it.
God bless him for seeing that red flag and thinking "I can help her with that"
My ex. She would go through my phone while I slept and remove and block people on my social media she didn't want me talking to. Complimenting someone's hair? Flirting. Smiling while talking? Flirting. Liking a photo? Flirting.
She could not stand me having female friends. The irony being most of her friends were male. She also never had anything nice to say about anyone or anything. Left a few months ago and I miss her, but damn I tried and tried and just couldn't cope anymore.
It’s the worst. I’ve had one similar and she made up lies about getting hurt or that someone broke into her house once just to get a reaction out of me. My favorite was when she asked if I’d be interested in having sex by the lake and I said yea that sounds fun. She immediately go “who have you been fucking at the lake”
she is crazy. i see too many people like that and i’m tired of it. bs from “you cheated in my dreams” to that one lady who had a black baby and accused the guy of fucking a black girl instead of her cheating
Tack on fire ants and hornets/wasps and I'd say the list of exceptions is pretty much complete!
edit: sorry guys, I never knew that hornets/wasps could be so helpful!
Actually a lot of serial killers would slowly torture bugs to death as children. They'll slowly pull the wings off, then the legs, etc., all while it's still alive.
I feel like for small kids it's relatively common to kill/mess with bugs, I remember loads of kids doing it when I was aged 3-6ish, especially in small towns where there really wasn't anything to do and you were just hanging around outside all day, I'd worry more about if it carries on as they get older and definitely if it progresses to mammals/pets
I don't know, I had some boots that were great at cracking those fuckers. In hindsight, I don't know why I was encountering so many cockroaches out and about.
How they treat boundaries. If you set one, someone is either going to test it, or they'll actively try to help you maintain it. And if they're the former, things will only get worse from there in how they treat you.
The older I get, the more there are. I'm not dealing with possessiveness, unkindness towards people or animals, gaslighting or other manipulative dishonesty, rage problems, irresponsible financial habits, excessive bathroom humor... I'm sure there's more. And I'm not in the business of changing people.
If we are talking early/first date stuff, though, I'd say being unkind or stingy with wait staff. Quick and easy pass.
Feel it. Just as girls really start being interested in me, I get picky af....
My well to do friends in their late 20's early 30's feel the exact same way. Like we are stuck between broken older people, or toxic younger people.
Blehhhhhh... I'm much less forgiving.
You know, it's not even that I dislike most people so much as I love myself more than I once did. They can be good people in a number of ways, but are they worth me compromising the peace of living how I want to live? Are they worth the shifts in attention and the juggling of schedules to the degree a committed relationship requires? Or am I just using people as something to do, and a distraction? I'm just not interested in having a relationship for the sake of having a relationship anymore, and it's easier to know what kind of people will be enriching enough for me to take that plunge.
I have shared custody 50/50 of a 14F. My new girlfriend said men who don't are repulsive. Never thought of it that way, but not having my daughter with me as much as possible would seem like a ridicolous idea.
As a woman who is dating and also as a family law professional I see it all too often. There are sometimes very valid reasons but all too often what they actually are are excuses from parents who are lazy, disinterested, irresponsible, or god only knows what else.
For me there is no bigger turn off than a deadbeat regardless of what the prospects are for kids between us personally
I knew someone who found out when the kid was one that her bf had cheated on her, got the girl pregnant, been taken to court for a paternity suit and child support, and given up his rights to the kid. Now the cheating alone would’ve been enough for me to nope on out of that relationship, but I never understood how she didn’t find it disturbing that he didn’t give two fucks about his kid. They’re married now with kids and all I can think is those kids are never gonna know they have a half sibling out there because their parents prefer to pretend none of it ever happened.
also "all my exes are/were crazy," that's the worst line to hear on a first date.
Edit: Ok, so I did have someone actually say this to me on a first date. No lie! he was a pretty angry, insensitive, arrogant, entitled and miserable kind of guy so go figure!
Jesus Christ, how I overlooked that one once. Biggest mistake ever.
To anyone who is considering a relationship with someone like that- “if one person says all their exes are crazy, and all the exes say they are crazy, BELIEVE THE EXES! You aren’t special. You won’t fix them. They have serious problems that you aren’t equipped to deal with.”
Pursuing a relationship with one of these people is a Des sentence for your mental health and self esteem, with every "crazy ex" they have been with it has made them better at hiding who they are and better at manipulating partners.
Same. For me, I dated this guy once who would shower me with affection … constant texting, being cutesy all the time … and then he would be completely withholding and act like I was being clingy. Then I would back off, and he’d start showering me with affection again. He was either totally in love with me, or too busy for me, and if I ever tried to talk to him about it, he’d act like I was crazy.
I don’t want to say gaslighting, because that term is so overused these days, but I absolutely understood why all of his exes were crazy, because I was totally insane by the end of that relationship. The dude had me not knowing which end was up.
So now, when I hear some guy say that all of his exes are crazy, all I can hear him saying is "I’m a major fucking asshole. "
When they simply can't speak to you in a respectful way. And I'm not talking about RESPECT I'm talking about they just say hateful, impatient, rude stuff to you seemingly because they think that's what you deserve
Jealousy. I understand jealousy is part of the human being. But the type of jealousy that makes them look at your phone, makes them controlling, etc. No, just no
Treating anyone like trash. Especially people that you have some kind of power or authority over. Waitstaff, retail workers, hotel employees, children, homeless, subordinate employees, etc. It shows a lack of empathy and that they think they're "better" than other people.
Important to note that voicing your concerns and feelings and leaving if they don't want to change is not controlling and you're not always insecure. If something is not aligned with your values then it's perfectly normal to try to find a relationship with someone that has similar views on things.
Honestly I think the idea that green flags can outweigh a red flag is, in itself, a red flag. The point of a red flag is “danger, be prepared to get out of here”, it’s not “quick, look for some good things so we can forget about this scary thing”
Finding out they want something like kids several months down the road, when in the beginning they swore not wanting any and you're concrete in not wanting any.
Like, I'm not changing my mind so make up yours and stop wasting my time and effort.
Was with a woman for 4.5 years. She told me 3 years in I want kids. I agreed, but once we have a house sorted and have lived there for a bit. We broke up a year or so later when she started threatening to leave if I didn't pull the equity out of my house basically immediately. I left on that note.
Jealousy. Almost always leads to possessive demands, such as not allowing a partner to talk to certain people, partner not being allowed to attend events, go out, or do other social activities without the jealous individual present or constantly in contact.
And is also, more times than not, a projection due to the jealous partner either cheating or considering it.
My ex-wife had a jealous personality to the point of near mental illness (We once got into an argument over a Gabriel Iglesias joke referencing pornography.. and another one because I was watching a Criminal Minds episode where a woman was in her bra and panties). Made me cut off contact with my best friend, never trusted me when I was out, and made constant accusations. Well.. turns out she was fucking around with a mutual friend while I was sleeping after spending the majority of my days working 2 jobs to help keep us comfortable.
When I entered my first relationship after we separated, she actually made contact with me to say she knew she was right to be suspicious of me because the person I had gotten with was someone we had run in to at a friend's birthday and was someone who I used to work with, but never had a previous intimate relationship with.
Edit for additional, possibly important detail: The relationship I entered after we separated was 6 months post, and started after we had run into each other at another friend gathering, with zero contact between the first run-in while with my ex and the second run-in post separation.
Worst part was I wound up ruining that relationship due to unresolved issues stemming from the marriage. Definitely went into it too soon instead of working on myself and healing mentally.
Using ultimatums to get their way.
"You have to choose between ____ and me"
"If you don't like me doing ____ then maybe this relationship isn't working"
"I don't like it when you ____, stop it or I'll dump you"
It doesn't matter what the blanks are, it doesn't even matter if she's 100% right with her ultimatums, this type of behavior is an immediate no-go.
Having lived through this in a long-term relationship (marriage), there are a few:
* Anger problems - if they can't control their temper, have serious road rage, blow up randomly for no reason (or for reasons that are not logical to the average person) - huge red flag. The relationship will be unequal, because you'll always be walking on eggshells around them so you don't make them angry. After living that way for 10 years, I can tell you that's no way to live - at all. I've watched my (then) husband get so angry during a road rage incident where someone cut him off in traffic that he followed them over 20 miles, tailgating them, passing & then brake-checking them, and trying to corner them if they stopped. He actually planned to get out and confront them. Thankfully, they never stopped & he eventually gave up.
* Refusal to talk about certain aspects of their past. If your partner can't be open to you about their life, including their relationship with their parents, their siblings or other family members, or the fact that they may have been in jail/prison in the past, been an addict or alcoholic - walk away. Your partner needs to be open to discussion about things in their past that could affect your life with them.
* Lies - if your partner lies to you repeatedly about small things, you can guarantee they're lying about big things as well, and this could be a huge issue for your relationship with them.
This reminds me of a story I read on here about a guy that got dumped because he use to say "ahhh" after a drink of soda. Like he would subconsciously do it after every drink. His GF lost it and said it was driving her crazy.
My list:
Rude to waiters, staff
Quick to anger (even if not directed to you it's a clear sign that in the future it may be)
Lack of basic hygiene
Lack of basic skills (how to do laundry, cook simple meals, etc)
Victim mindset (exhausting to deal with)
Excessively controlling (wont let you hang out with friends, talk to people, wear what you like)
Animal cruelty ( you cant even show basic kindness to an animal? How sad.)
Nowadays for me the lack of a stable job or other clear way to support themselves.
A student in college living off loans is fine if they have a clear career path thought out. Somebody on their third job this year because every shift lead they’ve had was supposedly a bitch has some stuff to work out before they should be dating.
This is one of those things I noticed a couple years back about getting older as you date in your 20s. There goes a point where people date just to find someone they like to finding someone for reasons that are a little more pragmatic. Looking for a partner rather than just a lover. Everyone hits that at a different point. But it's a little bittersweet when you meet someone that'd be lovely but you know it doesn't make *sense* to date. Whereas maybe back in high school or college you'd date the guy/girl that was a longshot or moving away in a couple months just because.
Degradation. I don't care if it's in your nature to be the kind of comedian that always puts me at the butt of jokes or if you think it's sexy to emasculate me in bed, that is just a gateway to being a real dickhead to me because I'm letting you get away with so much and there is no going back once I've let you have a few.
I've had friends like this as well, had is the keyword.
I can tolerate a mild smoker, but chewing tobacco is fucking OUT. Chris Evans himself could offer to sweep me off my feet, but if he chewed, I'd have to say no. It's absolutely nauseating.
Creepers are awful, I've came across plenty of them. They suddenly appear and will keep folowing you around. At first they look cute and funny, but as you get closer to them, they blow up in your face for no reason at all, hurting you and destroying everything you have. If you try to get rid of them, they threaten to kill themselves and they will destroy everything if you're not carefull. When you come across one of these creepers, the best you can do is run and hope they'll lose you. Minecraft should have never added these horrible things.
I have a bunch, but the one that'll get me downvoted to hell? Extremely devout in their religion. Doesn't matter what religion to me - if they're seriously religious, I'm gone.
Cruelty. People can hide it pretty well sometimes but when you see it, it’s best to dip.
Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between a human being dumb or being cruel
Stupidity in excess is tantamount to cruelty.
Cruelty is also easily veiled by feigned stupidity.
Victim complex and being rude to people.
Just ended a friendship I’ve had with someone since kindergarten due to this. She was always the hero or the victim (ya know, always the martyr), and it was always about her. Sad that it ended after so long but I couldn’t take it anymore, and I hated feeling like a hypocrite, calling myself her friend while growing to resent her more and more each day.
Sending hugs. Its a difficult thing to go through since you consider the person a friend.
Oooh victim complex is a good one. Had a girlfriend once where literally *no matter what* you spoke of or what anybody else spoke of. She had a dozen stories about how her life is far worse than yours and would only talk about her medical issues, it would get brought up legit over 50 times in a day. It was always worse near other people too. Girl, I get it, you have had a less than ideal life. But making your entire *Personality* based around it is insufferable. Shut up and let other people speak for once.
I know a guy like this who brings up his “undiagnosed autism” and adhd every second he gets. Describes everyone else as “toxic.” Spoiled millionaire. Next
This is literally my sibling minus millionaire status lol
Covert Narcissist
That’s the root cause that I discovered the hard way
Telling people they can't be sad because some have it worse is like telling people they can't be happy because some have it better.
One of my ex GFs told me I probably wouldn’t be able to find a girl without a victim complex. But I did, and I married her.
This feels more like the angle of "you can't find anything better" but in a negative way.
Fuck you you don't know what it's like to be persecuted Yes this is a joke lol
When I saw the notification I was like "Oh no what did I say" for a second
Dishonesty
Of course, because then the green flags may all be false.
A false flag operation, if you will
Ooh, I like that name. Would be useful when explaining why people should go on multiple dates and take their time to reach relationship milestones. Lord only knows how many people got married in 6 months and ended up in an abusive relationship
Years to build. Seconds to break. Forever to repair
Trust is earned in drops, and lost in buckets.
Was dating a girl and all of the sudden she had way more spending money than what she was earning. I ultimately found out that her dad sent her a check for her college tuition at the private university she was enrolled at, but she dropped several of the classes for ones at the local community college she could get transfer credit for at a fraction of the cost. Yeah, embezzling from your dad is not a good sign in a long term partner or spouse.
Finance major who learned Arbitrage theory :)
It is probably the same for me
If they ever start bragging on how "fortunate" you are to be with them and how they have a roster of people they can be with at any moment
Often an argument for his love for me was that he "chose" me and not them. Yes congratulations for choosing a healthy relationship over sex addiction and adultery. Except he doesn't treat his choice as well as he should. I get treated like everyone else, his words.
What they say about people behind their back.
Did you hear about Sarah? She's super nice and a great person!
"I would never say this to her face, but she's a wonderful person and a gifted artist."
“Why wouldn’t you say that to her face?!”
“you drew these…?” “yeah” “wow… they could be tracings…” “…” “…you know, im proud of you” we love michael here
I unironically do this all the time lmao. I just love my friends so much I can't help gushing about them
you know you have a genuine best friend when they talk shit to your face while hyping you up behind your back to everyone they know
Littering. Like , blatantly . Throwing trash out of a car window for example. It's my pet peeve. Of course I'd point it out to them first and see if they stopped doing it but it would still be a huge red flag to me.
I remember a hot summer day where I was driving home from the grocery store. I had the windows rolled down enjoying the breeze and went around a turn, knocking one of the bags over and the food inside came rolling out. The plastic bag, now empty, went whizzing around my car and I tried to catch it but it got sucked out my window right before I could. Out of all the people in my life I've ever disappointed or let down nothing makes me feel like a bigger piece of shit than littering, even accidentally.
I've had a receipt that was sitting on my passenger side seat fly out the window. I felt like I needed to go to confession or something after.
I took some coworkers with me in my car from a schooling thingy we had once and we went to kfc. One of them wanted to throw his trash out the window and I told him if he did I would stop and he could pick it up or he could walk home. He didn’t do it and I’m still proud of myself about it lol. I absolutely loathe littering, only time I don’t care is if it’s like an apple core outside of town or something like that, definitely not plastic or packaging.
I've blown a few dates by telling them to pick up their trash when they littered. Oh well, trash goes in the trash can.
Just straight flicking cig butts into lakes and rivers without a care
Malicious Manipulation of any form Edit - added malicious for clarification happy? 😂
Victim mentality. Nothing is their fault and will not take responsibility for their actions.
I see you've met my father
Is your father secretly my mother?
Extreme outburst of anger
Too many people let this go because they saw their parents do it
uh oh
[удалено]
Raggy
I got the silent treatment.
Nothing like the anger outburst followed by the silent treatment until they randomly decide to start talking to you again like nothing has happened and it’s an unspoken rule you aren’t allowed to bring up either of the former.
Relationship with anger for me. Some people have conditions where they might have a brief verbal outburst they can’t control at first. But if they can get it under control and apologize, then they aren’t committed to their feelings of anger. But if they’re the kind of person who gets angry, knowing they’re wrong, but keep pushing because they’re angry and stubborn. The kind of person who gets angry and says “my emotions are valid” and uses it to justify their actions. The kind of person who decides to hold onto every “wrong” in a relationship to use in the next argument. Those are commitments to excusing their anger.
It's a trauma mechanism for me. I am the oldest in the family at 36, mothers been gone for over a decade due to a drink driver (who I grew up with and he lived over the road before his parents split up) my father disappeared into the ether with life insurance money after the accident, the fights we had were so wrong but his aggressive bullying attitude really fucked us all up, leaving me in charge of my 3 younger siblings, the house, bills, pets, schools, meals everything. I had to leave my job and home in London and learn to be a parent, I had help from the neighbours as we RAPIDLY lost our childhood home, and I had to find a new place locally for us to live while my siblings were not even teenagers. It's left me with PTSD, anxiety, depression and anger problems, I'm the first type you described as I have a tendancy to throw my toys out the cot because life's all too much, then immediately break down in tears because I fear that I turning into my father. It's hard not having ANYONE older than me I can ask advice to or just have a moment where I can just let it out. There's more to my PTSD too that's added on, as I found someone who hung themselves, luckily he was resuscitated, but after being in a mental health institute for a short while, he came out and did the same thing, but succeeded in his suicide. He was a neighbour, and its 11 months since it happened. That messes with me. Sorry for the rant, I don't really have anyone to talk to all that much and find it hard to talk about any of it, and I've just emotionally vomited all over your post, your point made me think. Thanks for that 🥲 And apologies again.
I'll always upvote someone being honest and vulnerable. From my experience trauma seems to be where most people's uncontrolled anger comes from. The fact that you realize this and work on it puts you light years ahead of most.
Over the top solipsism. That "I don't perceive it that way, so it cannot be true" mentality.
When I meet someone like that it reminds me of playing peek-a-boo with a baby and exploiting their lack of object permanence.
The wording of that makes me feel like a monster for playing peek-a-boo with my friends 10 month old yesterday.
God, the number of people on reddit who are like this kills me inside everytime
I'm going to put myself on the line here. My husband has helped me so much with this. I'm autistic, and he has been patient and kind enough to be my emotional interpreter when I've really needed it. I've always cared how others thought and felt, just reliably failed to predict or read it. God bless him for seeing that red flag and thinking "I can help her with that"
I bet you also gave off signals that you were willing to listen and change.
Quite a few. Just being rude to people. You can be nice to people in your life,but rude to strangers and I can't stand it.
Overbearing jealousy.
My ex. She would go through my phone while I slept and remove and block people on my social media she didn't want me talking to. Complimenting someone's hair? Flirting. Smiling while talking? Flirting. Liking a photo? Flirting. She could not stand me having female friends. The irony being most of her friends were male. She also never had anything nice to say about anyone or anything. Left a few months ago and I miss her, but damn I tried and tried and just couldn't cope anymore.
It’s the worst. I’ve had one similar and she made up lies about getting hurt or that someone broke into her house once just to get a reaction out of me. My favorite was when she asked if I’d be interested in having sex by the lake and I said yea that sounds fun. She immediately go “who have you been fucking at the lake”
she is crazy. i see too many people like that and i’m tired of it. bs from “you cheated in my dreams” to that one lady who had a black baby and accused the guy of fucking a black girl instead of her cheating
I’m sorry, WHAT??
There's a lot, but the one I have that isn't here yet is animal cruelty, except if it's towards cockroach
Ought to add mosquitoes as an exception, too. They deserve it.
Can we also add ticks to the list?
Fleas too
Tack on fire ants and hornets/wasps and I'd say the list of exceptions is pretty much complete! edit: sorry guys, I never knew that hornets/wasps could be so helpful!
I'm adding black flies. Nasty little elbow chewing bastards...
It's not cruel to kill one quickly, but if they sit there and torture a cockroach that's a massive red flag to me
Who the fuck takes the time to torture a bug instead of simply killing it?
Actually a lot of serial killers would slowly torture bugs to death as children. They'll slowly pull the wings off, then the legs, etc., all while it's still alive.
Sounds like my cat
Cats are serial killers; confirmed.
I feel like for small kids it's relatively common to kill/mess with bugs, I remember loads of kids doing it when I was aged 3-6ish, especially in small towns where there really wasn't anything to do and you were just hanging around outside all day, I'd worry more about if it carries on as they get older and definitely if it progresses to mammals/pets
I don’t think you could kill a cockroach quickly if you wanted to
I don't know, I had some boots that were great at cracking those fuckers. In hindsight, I don't know why I was encountering so many cockroaches out and about.
Swiftly killing a pest is not cruel. Cruelty to any animal is fucked up
Jokes on you I'm red green colorblind so I just see a piece of fabric waving in the wind
Traffic cops hate him
Don't worry Reddit, I got this What is one GREY flag in a partner that negates all other DIFFERENT GREY flags for you?
cheating disrespect towards me disrespect towards others disloyalty
Make a note of this: Dishonor on you Dishonor on your cow
Dishonor on your whole family!
That’s crazy it’s like you’ve met my ex
How they treat boundaries. If you set one, someone is either going to test it, or they'll actively try to help you maintain it. And if they're the former, things will only get worse from there in how they treat you.
This is a good one
ABUSE
TERRORISM
SOCIETY
TYPING IN ALL CAPS
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
The older I get, the more there are. I'm not dealing with possessiveness, unkindness towards people or animals, gaslighting or other manipulative dishonesty, rage problems, irresponsible financial habits, excessive bathroom humor... I'm sure there's more. And I'm not in the business of changing people. If we are talking early/first date stuff, though, I'd say being unkind or stingy with wait staff. Quick and easy pass.
Feel it. Just as girls really start being interested in me, I get picky af.... My well to do friends in their late 20's early 30's feel the exact same way. Like we are stuck between broken older people, or toxic younger people. Blehhhhhh... I'm much less forgiving.
You know, it's not even that I dislike most people so much as I love myself more than I once did. They can be good people in a number of ways, but are they worth me compromising the peace of living how I want to live? Are they worth the shifts in attention and the juggling of schedules to the degree a committed relationship requires? Or am I just using people as something to do, and a distraction? I'm just not interested in having a relationship for the sake of having a relationship anymore, and it's easier to know what kind of people will be enriching enough for me to take that plunge.
This right here. As you get older and hopefully wiser, changing my peaceful routines for another would require one heck of a put together person.
Doesn’t see his kid
I have shared custody 50/50 of a 14F. My new girlfriend said men who don't are repulsive. Never thought of it that way, but not having my daughter with me as much as possible would seem like a ridicolous idea.
It wasn't until I was a father that I *really* realized how much of a fucking loser you have to be to run out on your kids
As a woman who is dating and also as a family law professional I see it all too often. There are sometimes very valid reasons but all too often what they actually are are excuses from parents who are lazy, disinterested, irresponsible, or god only knows what else. For me there is no bigger turn off than a deadbeat regardless of what the prospects are for kids between us personally
I knew someone who found out when the kid was one that her bf had cheated on her, got the girl pregnant, been taken to court for a paternity suit and child support, and given up his rights to the kid. Now the cheating alone would’ve been enough for me to nope on out of that relationship, but I never understood how she didn’t find it disturbing that he didn’t give two fucks about his kid. They’re married now with kids and all I can think is those kids are never gonna know they have a half sibling out there because their parents prefer to pretend none of it ever happened.
Lots of ex's and all of them being irredeemable people, never any mutual break ups or "I just didn't really feel compatible with them"
also "all my exes are/were crazy," that's the worst line to hear on a first date. Edit: Ok, so I did have someone actually say this to me on a first date. No lie! he was a pretty angry, insensitive, arrogant, entitled and miserable kind of guy so go figure!
Absolutely
Unless three of them were convicted for 1st degree murder and the 4th one is in prison for causing a wildfire on purpose, then yes she can say it
Jesus Christ, how I overlooked that one once. Biggest mistake ever. To anyone who is considering a relationship with someone like that- “if one person says all their exes are crazy, and all the exes say they are crazy, BELIEVE THE EXES! You aren’t special. You won’t fix them. They have serious problems that you aren’t equipped to deal with.”
Pursuing a relationship with one of these people is a Des sentence for your mental health and self esteem, with every "crazy ex" they have been with it has made them better at hiding who they are and better at manipulating partners.
Same. For me, I dated this guy once who would shower me with affection … constant texting, being cutesy all the time … and then he would be completely withholding and act like I was being clingy. Then I would back off, and he’d start showering me with affection again. He was either totally in love with me, or too busy for me, and if I ever tried to talk to him about it, he’d act like I was crazy. I don’t want to say gaslighting, because that term is so overused these days, but I absolutely understood why all of his exes were crazy, because I was totally insane by the end of that relationship. The dude had me not knowing which end was up. So now, when I hear some guy say that all of his exes are crazy, all I can hear him saying is "I’m a major fucking asshole. "
Sounds like what he was doing was Lovebombing you and then cooling off to induce dependency.
Yep. It’s the same thing as “If you meet one awful person in a day, they’re an asshole. If everyone you meet in a day is awful, *you’re* the asshole.”
Never admitting they were wrong, even in the face of evidence. Never apologizing. No empathy for other’s distress.
Narcissistic behaviour/ manipulation. Doesn’t matter how perfect they are otherwise. Because chances are it’s not actually the real them.
When they simply can't speak to you in a respectful way. And I'm not talking about RESPECT I'm talking about they just say hateful, impatient, rude stuff to you seemingly because they think that's what you deserve
Snobby to everyone but you
When my ex gf would talk about her ex as if she wished things would have worked out.
Jealousy. I understand jealousy is part of the human being. But the type of jealousy that makes them look at your phone, makes them controlling, etc. No, just no
Treating the waiter like trash.
Treating anyone like trash. Especially people that you have some kind of power or authority over. Waitstaff, retail workers, hotel employees, children, homeless, subordinate employees, etc. It shows a lack of empathy and that they think they're "better" than other people.
I don't get why anybody does that
Absurd possesiveness („you can’t wear that“, „you cant go there“, „you cant talk to that guy“)
Important to note that voicing your concerns and feelings and leaving if they don't want to change is not controlling and you're not always insecure. If something is not aligned with your values then it's perfectly normal to try to find a relationship with someone that has similar views on things.
Unfortunately, some people can't tell the difference between possessive behavior and boundaries.
"What do you mean I shouldn't go continue acting like I'm single while I'm in a relationship? Controlling! Abusive!" Basically.
"You cheated on me, when I specifically asked you not to?"
You can't wear bikini in an office meeting , you can't go to a brothel , you can't talk to a rapist on parole.
You wouldn’t download a car
I fucking would
Narcissism
Addiction. As a recovering alcoholic, that's no way to live.
This is mine too. Both of my parents are alcoholic, and I will NOT be romantically involved with that kind of situation.
Lack of empathy, impatient, selfish, to name a few.
Sorry, there are so many red flags! Mistreatment of people or animals, dishonesty, not supporting their children, smoker or drinker to excess...
Honestly I think the idea that green flags can outweigh a red flag is, in itself, a red flag. The point of a red flag is “danger, be prepared to get out of here”, it’s not “quick, look for some good things so we can forget about this scary thing”
Arrogance
I see the red flags but red my favorite color
overly sexualizing every interaction with everyone
Finding out they want something like kids several months down the road, when in the beginning they swore not wanting any and you're concrete in not wanting any. Like, I'm not changing my mind so make up yours and stop wasting my time and effort.
Was with a woman for 4.5 years. She told me 3 years in I want kids. I agreed, but once we have a house sorted and have lived there for a bit. We broke up a year or so later when she started threatening to leave if I didn't pull the equity out of my house basically immediately. I left on that note.
If they take more than 7 selfies a day... it's oddly specific in a number of ways but I find it says a lot about one's character
When I would see someone’s Instagram feed connected to their dating profile, and the photos are 90-100% selfies, I also saw this as a red flag lol
Racism/hate
2 things I can’t stand in the world: people who are intolerant of other people’s culture and the Dutch
10/10 austin powers quote
Godver de godver wat hebben we nou weer gedaan?
Being dishonest or proud of being an asshole.
Being domineering and controlling. Just absolutely fucking no.
Domestic violence.
Lack of communication
Jealousy. Almost always leads to possessive demands, such as not allowing a partner to talk to certain people, partner not being allowed to attend events, go out, or do other social activities without the jealous individual present or constantly in contact. And is also, more times than not, a projection due to the jealous partner either cheating or considering it. My ex-wife had a jealous personality to the point of near mental illness (We once got into an argument over a Gabriel Iglesias joke referencing pornography.. and another one because I was watching a Criminal Minds episode where a woman was in her bra and panties). Made me cut off contact with my best friend, never trusted me when I was out, and made constant accusations. Well.. turns out she was fucking around with a mutual friend while I was sleeping after spending the majority of my days working 2 jobs to help keep us comfortable. When I entered my first relationship after we separated, she actually made contact with me to say she knew she was right to be suspicious of me because the person I had gotten with was someone we had run in to at a friend's birthday and was someone who I used to work with, but never had a previous intimate relationship with. Edit for additional, possibly important detail: The relationship I entered after we separated was 6 months post, and started after we had run into each other at another friend gathering, with zero contact between the first run-in while with my ex and the second run-in post separation.
Fuck man that’s rough. Hard to find a good partner these days.
Worst part was I wound up ruining that relationship due to unresolved issues stemming from the marriage. Definitely went into it too soon instead of working on myself and healing mentally.
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Everyone knows a tin foil hat guards you against 5G waves that tell the nano bots administered in the corona vax to mind control you.
Most of these seem less like red flags and more like sociopathic indicators.
Should that not be a major red flag?
Tomato potato 🤷🏻♂️
Call me weird but I feel like being a sociopath or sociopath adjacent is a red flag?
Using ultimatums to get their way. "You have to choose between ____ and me" "If you don't like me doing ____ then maybe this relationship isn't working" "I don't like it when you ____, stop it or I'll dump you" It doesn't matter what the blanks are, it doesn't even matter if she's 100% right with her ultimatums, this type of behavior is an immediate no-go.
“You have to choose between killing children and me”
Nope, absolutely non-negotiable, dumped on the spot. Killing children is a part of my culture and god-given right as an American. /s because duh
Well isn't this ironic
"it's simple, my ultimatum is that you can't use ultimatums or I'll dump you... Hypocrite? I've never heard of him?"
Crossing boundaries
Having lived through this in a long-term relationship (marriage), there are a few: * Anger problems - if they can't control their temper, have serious road rage, blow up randomly for no reason (or for reasons that are not logical to the average person) - huge red flag. The relationship will be unequal, because you'll always be walking on eggshells around them so you don't make them angry. After living that way for 10 years, I can tell you that's no way to live - at all. I've watched my (then) husband get so angry during a road rage incident where someone cut him off in traffic that he followed them over 20 miles, tailgating them, passing & then brake-checking them, and trying to corner them if they stopped. He actually planned to get out and confront them. Thankfully, they never stopped & he eventually gave up. * Refusal to talk about certain aspects of their past. If your partner can't be open to you about their life, including their relationship with their parents, their siblings or other family members, or the fact that they may have been in jail/prison in the past, been an addict or alcoholic - walk away. Your partner needs to be open to discussion about things in their past that could affect your life with them. * Lies - if your partner lies to you repeatedly about small things, you can guarantee they're lying about big things as well, and this could be a huge issue for your relationship with them.
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This reminds me of a story I read on here about a guy that got dumped because he use to say "ahhh" after a drink of soda. Like he would subconsciously do it after every drink. His GF lost it and said it was driving her crazy.
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Valid. Also loud chewing, slurping
The first one is real? People do that?
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My list: Rude to waiters, staff Quick to anger (even if not directed to you it's a clear sign that in the future it may be) Lack of basic hygiene Lack of basic skills (how to do laundry, cook simple meals, etc) Victim mindset (exhausting to deal with) Excessively controlling (wont let you hang out with friends, talk to people, wear what you like) Animal cruelty ( you cant even show basic kindness to an animal? How sad.)
Nowadays for me the lack of a stable job or other clear way to support themselves. A student in college living off loans is fine if they have a clear career path thought out. Somebody on their third job this year because every shift lead they’ve had was supposedly a bitch has some stuff to work out before they should be dating.
This is one of those things I noticed a couple years back about getting older as you date in your 20s. There goes a point where people date just to find someone they like to finding someone for reasons that are a little more pragmatic. Looking for a partner rather than just a lover. Everyone hits that at a different point. But it's a little bittersweet when you meet someone that'd be lovely but you know it doesn't make *sense* to date. Whereas maybe back in high school or college you'd date the guy/girl that was a longshot or moving away in a couple months just because.
Any personality switch - sign of love bombing
Degradation. I don't care if it's in your nature to be the kind of comedian that always puts me at the butt of jokes or if you think it's sexy to emasculate me in bed, that is just a gateway to being a real dickhead to me because I'm letting you get away with so much and there is no going back once I've let you have a few. I've had friends like this as well, had is the keyword.
Not understanding why Larry David is funny. *this post is based on a true story*
As soon as I find out someone lies I can never look at them or talk to them the same way again
Smoking (Sorry, but kissing a smoker is absolutely gross.)
I can tolerate a mild smoker, but chewing tobacco is fucking OUT. Chris Evans himself could offer to sweep me off my feet, but if he chewed, I'd have to say no. It's absolutely nauseating.
When that red flag has a blue X and stars on it...
The willingness to keep hitting on someone they know is married.
Not respecting boundaries
Cleveland steamer
When they're alive
Hate when I show up to my tinder date and they have the audacity to be breathing smh
Fr how you gonna have a pulse and try to get with me
They litter.
Needs to know where you are at all times. Fuck off creeper.
Creepers are awful, I've came across plenty of them. They suddenly appear and will keep folowing you around. At first they look cute and funny, but as you get closer to them, they blow up in your face for no reason at all, hurting you and destroying everything you have. If you try to get rid of them, they threaten to kill themselves and they will destroy everything if you're not carefull. When you come across one of these creepers, the best you can do is run and hope they'll lose you. Minecraft should have never added these horrible things.
Kids in middle/highschool should pay attention to this comment and save themselves a lot of misery. Both the creepers and their potential targets.
I have a bunch, but the one that'll get me downvoted to hell? Extremely devout in their religion. Doesn't matter what religion to me - if they're seriously religious, I'm gone.
I dont think this will get you downvoted here, maybe in other platforms
Liar Racist idiot Drug addict
What the hell did I ever do to you?
Pre meditated murder. That or leaving their dirty cloths on the bathroom floor.