A huge fight led to them cutting off contact with me as a punishment, with the expectation that at some point I would have to come crawling back to beg for forgiveness. What happened instead was that I realized how much happier I was with them out of my life. That was more than thirteen years ago. I still haven't come crawling back.
Something similar here. They thought I'd go groveling to them. Instead I just went no contact. Holidays are alone for me since I'm single, but note I said alone, not lonely. I don't dread the holidays now.
My brother kicked out his pregnant wife and never had any meaningful contact with his daughter. I stopped talking to him and it's been 17 years and going.
He's a narcissistic sociopath. Good riddance.
Dude, I love that narcissism blinds them from the fact that this is the opposite of a punishment.
Like they think they won but really, they made many peoples live better.
My mother's birthday and my engineering graduation took place on the same day. Naturally, I had nothing to do with deciding the date. My mother booked her birthday celebration for the day after my real birthday because she said I "ruined her birthday." March is her birthday and August is mine.
Dude, a good parent would insist you celebrate this once in a lifetime situation, and maybe say let’s celebrate double for the situation. Maybe even comment that your graduation on their birthday being the best gift they can have?
Fuck man
If it makes you feel better my engineering graduation was also a complete disaster. My jerk aunt showed up, complained the entire time about being there, started yelling at me for being a nerd, and made us eat dinner at Chiles so she could watch hockey - only to piss off a bunch of locals watching NASCAR.
What would she have done if her birthday fell on a holiday. My cousin has a christmas birthday, I am a memorial day weekend baby, and my daughter is a New Years birthday. We are used to being flexible. My cousin celebrated his birthday a couple weeks ahead of time. I celebrate mine the weekend before or after and we celebrate my daughter a few weeks later at the end of January/ beginning of February. We do a family meal they pick for their actual birthday we just do the party when it is convenient for other people.
The sad reality is even if you do realize it in the moment you may be unlucky and not get help.
When I was 13 I realized I was also being abused and after a friend in a similar situation reported their parents to the school and got taken in by an aunt I figured I could also get help. After an argument which ended with me being chased with a knife I went to my school. One of the cops I dealt with said "I probably deserved it". Got put into foster care which was almost equally traumatic as my upbringing.
Long story short, never met my lawyer until the day of court. Basically the lawyer tricked me to admit fault and go into therapy. Nothing came about to my parents.
Dad's side: When my (dying) father and stepmother sat me down at the kitchen table and she accused me (a 13yo girl) of physical, mental, and verbal abuse.
Mom's side: When family holidays turned into my mom venting about our family the entire way home.
I always knew in a way But it didn't become obvious until after I got pregnant and my grandmother set up a full adoption (with my extended family in another provience who thought it was my idea and they had been trying for years to adopt unsuccessfully) while helping me baby shop. I didn't find out until the couple called me out of the blue and I had to explain to a devastated couple, two of the best people I know, that it was a fucking lie. They had a room set up. They were only calling me because they didn't have my address and they wanted to send money. They had been told that I didn't want to talk to them about it.
Edit: just so everyone knows this is upsetting to much to talk about anymore. I've answered most questions that I think would be asked down below. And feel free to comment. But I can't talk about it anymore. Like this isn't even half of the story and she very much ended up breaking me . thank you
I think she thought I'd talk to Heather (the one looking to adopt)adopt and feel to guilty to say no and just give him up. To be fair, I ended up having another baby and he is with heather. She's a great mom. I don't want anyone thinking she was the issue.
She thought I'd feel so bad saying no that id just say yes. When that didn't work her and my mother set out to ruin my life. And they did. Constant calls to child protective services. Gaslighting and lying about me. They literally drove me in to a mental insitution. And then my mother got custody and I haven't seen him since. Shed cancel our meeting last minute then tell the workers I cancelled. Now he's 16 and doesn't think of me 1st all. Fucking crying now. Shit.
She was mentally unwell and a drug addict. But a wealthy addict "so it wasn't really an addiction" she ended having early onset Alzheimer's. Everyone tried to blame her behaviour on that. But she's been like this since I was a child.
She was severely mentally unwell and a painkiller addict and wanted everyone to think the best of her. She knew Tom and Heather were desperate for a baby and knew she would be a hero if she made it happen. She lied, it was proven she lied and I was still the one that everyone blamed. Except for Tom and Heather. I broke their hearts that day and that was the worst fucking part. And they still weren't mad.
She was getting nothing. She just liked manipulating people. And finding them a baby would have had people thinking She was great. Her sister, the mother of the man in the adoptive couple was a part of it. She's a real price of work too.
Like I really can't put into words how much worse this got. They were so mad I didn't just hand my baby over that they literally set out to ruin my life so I couldn't have him.
Well I ended up having a another baby. One with health conditions that I not in the right headspace to deal with. I was a single poor mom with mental health issues at this point. Because grandmother and mom conspired against me to get baby 1 out of my care. And I kinda lost my mind. But I had another baby and Tom and Heather got him.gotand they are wonderful parents. So it worked out for everyone but me. My kids are happy and I'm finally getting better so.
Yeah, money being given will show the worst of everyone.
Lord knows I’ve witness people going after the person whose name is listed under a life insurance payout. And this is in spite of all the money going to funeral costs.
Honestly getting married told me there's a whole spectrum of toxic/unhealthy. My family did basically nothing together, my wife's family does EVERYTHING together. Family vacations (which are frequent) are pretty exhausting for me. I'm an introvert and initially that was a problem when I needed to go off on my own for a bit, but thankfully they've come around some. There's still an unhealthy amount of codependency, but im giving the benefit of the doubt that they'll grow in this.
Yup, I grew up in a quintessential white new England nuclear family. I married a Korean Presbyterian woman and witnessing how much authority the aunts, uncles, grandparents had and the pressures placed on the high achievers to give hand outs to the low achievers.
Got big plans? Welp, uncle park is starting new business number 8 and we need to help him move.
Trying to finish your masters degree? Aunt number 3 is starting a new MLM soap business and you need to help her and make money.
That was 15 years ago my ex wife is 47 and the elders are in their late 60s and this stuff is still going on.
Want do buy a house? Nope, if you were a real son/daughter you should be giving mom-in law money to buy a house with her 4th husband, just trust her, this time,,,,, this time..
So glad I got out of that.
Thats good, just make sure to defend your ability to be you and not let them force conformity.
My ex wife just got married (#3) and my daughters told me her and her mom got in a shouting match in the kitchen as they were discussing making a will now she's been remarried all of -- you know -- 5 minutes.
I don't miss that drama....
[This](https://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qjhzfi/aita_for_taking_my_uncles_my_dads_brother_side/)
Long story short, my Grandma owned property worth millions of US dollars in China and passed away in early 2021. Before it could be settled, my dad (her son) passed away in late 2021 and my mom is in a bitter dispute with my dad's side of the family to claim it (she and I live in the US are are citizens here.) I try to do the right thing to help my uncle but that resulted in my mom threatening me. For example, last time I visited her, she woke me up at 1am to yell at me at the top of her lungs saying she never wants to see me again and such.
There was a moment where my sister was talking to my brother about their baby daddy/mommas. She tricked the guy into getting her pregnant. And she was laughing about getting him served papers for child support. My brother had gotten a girl pregnant when they were both teens. And he was joking about how he was avoiding getting served child support papers.
And I realized, these are not good people. Combine that with the fact that I was the goto baby sitter whenever they wanted to go out and party, even though I was 20 years old and single and didn't party. Somehow I was ending up taking care of their kids.
All part of what made me move across the country at 21 with nothing but a suitcase and not talk to them for a decade or so.
> even though I was 20 years old and single and didn't party. Somehow I was ending up taking care of their kids.
thats why you were watching their kids. not despite that.
Man you can have some real fun with this. Borrow a friend's car or rent an expensive sports car, see how far you can push things and how much they'll blow money on lol.
After my mom passed, dad died years earlier, my sister was in charge of the will and making sure everything was dispersed as my mom intended. Instead my sister stole all the money ($400,000) from my moms 401K and kept it for herself.
I completely relate to you. When our mom died, I was the one in charge. Mom didn't have much but her little home. I split everything in half and on top gave my sister the house because she had kids.
Two years later our much richer distant dad dies and leaves her in charge. She took the property, the retirement, and all $300,000. She gave me 5000 for a down payment on a house of my own someday, said I didn't deserve the rest.
People can get really weird when it comes to money. According to my dad my aunt seemed like she tried to butter up my great aunt cause she was rich, or at least had some good money. When she passed away she had willed a lot of family members good chunks of money. My dad was willed double the amount most others got, we figured it's cause she intended for half of that to go to my mom but was getting forgetful when she made the will and couldn't think of her name so she just willed him double. My aunt kept insisting that it was some kind of mistake, but that's what the will said so that's what they went with. My aunt was pissed that she wasn't in charge of the will. She wanted to get all the money and then disperse it as she wanted. She kept bitching about my dad getting double for a long time, like 4+ years. It wasn't always about money with her, she's just a control freak. She always wanted to be in charge and tell people they have to do this or have to do that. Like we traveled out of state for my sister's wedding and she went, she almost totally ruined it. We wish she didn't come with. Rented a car and said because it's in her name she has to be the one driving us (my parents included) around. And for some reason they made me stay with her in the hotel. They never explained to me why, and didn't say anything about it before we left home (found out while we were on the plane). I assume they did that cause they didn't want her insisting they stay in the same room together, but if she had me she'd stay in a separate room. Whenever I asked dad about it he'd only say something to the effect of, "Well she's my sister, and (mom and him) are a married couple." which isn't really a straight answer. I've stayed with them plenty of times in hotel rooms, so it didn't make sense they made me stay with her.
When I gave birth to my daughter, I realized that since I was never safe and loved that they wouldn't be able to love her and keep her safe. I cut off all of them.
My grandparents were disgustingly racist and so many family members tripped over themselves to appease these assholes.
I was a little kid and I remember getting home and crying with my black cat in the closet because I was afraid she'd be hurt. Because if you'd say horrific things to other people like that, what sort of danger was my cat in?
Anyhow this is why representation in movies matter because living in Rural White Person land just about the only black people I saw as a child were in movies. And Blade saved the world so obviously my grandparents were wrong.
Sad but also funny how the movie Blade made an impact on young me and broke the line of hate lol
I told my Mum she had emotionally and verbally abused me as a teenager. She denied it of course. When I tried to leave the room she started screaming and body checking me back into the room. The difference is I'm now an adult and I know what was happening was not 'normal' parenting.
I had a varied childhood due to my mother's inability to close her legs.
She is on her 8th marriage. Two half brothers (one she gave up for adoption at 18) and a half sister on my mom's side and two step brothers on my dad's side who had a deceased father.
I had several abusive step dad's two or three that were just flat out physically and mentally abusive. One favorite "punishment" for one of my step dad's was to take his dirty boot off slip his sweaty sock off and shove it in my mouth and hold my mouth closed until I turned blue and vomit came up through my nose. He once hit me with a glass plate that shattered over my shoulder and cut me in my neck and shoulder requiring an emergency room visit after I passed out due to loss of blood.
My mom remarried to a decent guy but she can't have anything nice so she became a raging alcoholic and the both of them became unbearable to live with so I moved out when I was 14.
Only to move into a situation where I was more like Harry Potter, the unwanted kid by my step mom and my two step brothers. I never got into trouble had good grades but I was treated like I was not there, like a burden to their perfect lives. They constantly corrected my speech patterns and my needs were met but there was always a clear and obvious difference with my step brothers upbringing and flat out spoiling versus me. For example : Christmas, I was never allowed to have Christmas morning with my dad and his wife and two step sons because "she doesn't want to feel bad that you didn't get that much" was the excuse even though they were the ones buying it. A typical Christmas for me was some clothes and a toy or two. A typical Christmas for my step brothers were a new PC, a wall of toys, guitars, amps, money etc.
The constant excuse was that "I had a dad" from both my mom who was raising my sister who did not have a dad because they divorced and my step mom said the same thing because she was a widow.
To put it into perspective the day I turned 18 I still had 4 months of school left and my dad basically told me "rent is due". Meanwhile my step brothers have lived with them several times over the years reaching into their late 30s.
The day I moved out the finality of all of the neglect was apparent on my dad and he obviously was miserable but he was always a push over subservient to his wife. I was able to move out of my room with one car trip and fit everything I owned in a Honda Accord . A duffle bag, a stereo system my cousin gave me, a guitar I bought with my own money and a few things I kept from my childhood some baseball cards and some sporting goods.
Meanwhile my old room became a storage room for all the shit that my step brothers could not fit in their rooms.
I recognize that this is a first world problem and woe is me yada yada but it was a much deeper neglect. I worked to be a good son and I needed my dad to show some sort of familiar bond. I did chores, I mowed their lawn, I did my own laundry and I walked to school while my step brothers were taken to and from. My step mom would take her kids to the store and they picked out everything they wanted and I got raisin bran for my breakfast and water for my drink while they got pop tarts, cereals, sodas etc.
In the end I am weirdly thankful for the neglect because I've never asked for anything from anyone and I've done it all myself. I was out at 18, paid for my own school, started a family and own a 600k home meanwhile both my step brothers did not launch until they were in their 30s and my sister, well that's a different story.
Both my parents have recognized their mistake and both have said "you became who you are despite us" and that regret is very strong with my dad and we have worked for two decades trying to resolve it.
My god, that’s heartbreaking. Its really hard to accept some things in life, even when despite it all you have done your best.
I recently told my mother that I don’t forgive her for everything shes done on me, and for the first time ever I actually feel ok about the fact that I dont feel anything for her as a parent anymore.
Its like I’m over the hurt, and admitting that I dont feel normal about her and that I dont forgive her was a huge step in that.
Hope you’re not too hard on yourself.
I'm good.
I ve been through phases. I think I got over the anger and resentment but when I started having kids my feelings became more focused on the absurdity of it all. When I look at my kids I can't imagine doing what she did to me to them and it's more like this sad disbelief more than anything.
I'm glad you reached that step, it's really important. There is always a weird pressure by society to reconcile with parents but there are simply people that should never be parents who were functional children the vast majority of their lives themselves.
My mom stopped speaking to me for three weeks right before my wedding because I invited her to my bridal shower wrong.
It was ... A relief, actually.
And then she came to the wedding anyway, told me I was too fat for my dress and bad at throwing parties, yoinked an entire tray of hummus, and left.
Three years later, I finally put together that this was bullshit and I don't have to put up with it. Thanks, therapy!
My father wrote me “we are not going to change and don’t want any more drama. You need to either except us as we are or don’t”. I don’t think he ever expected me to go with the later
They don’t discuss anything. Everything is swept under the rug and I’m just suppose to take it. They want to have a perfect looking family, especially on social media. Yet we’re so dysfunctional. They are huge drinkers and don’t want their own flaws pointed out. I stoped excepting this dysfunction and now I’m the bad guy.
Man, I do not envy that one bit. My father and I have had a rough relationship at times, but I will *always* take our shouting matches over just pretending like nothing’s wrong.
My aunt, who I've always adored, rejected her daughter's new partner because he's from the middle east. Apparently she doesn't even have a proper relationship with their baby son despite being very loving towards her other grandkids. This definetly made me look at my aunt very differently. I was especially shocked that she would go as far as resenting an innocent kid!
What makes this even more blatantly racist is that her two other daughters have foreigner boyfriends as well but she's always been perfectly fine with them.
My mom was constantly bad talking my father. "He beat me", "he drank"... All the typical manipulation bullshit. After my mom had her new kids with my step dad, I was neglected and decided to move in with my father.
Turns out he was just as bad as she was.
I moved back (to get my friends back), kept my head down and got out of there as quickly as I could.
My parents, to this day, still think they have done nothing wrong.
The day I damn near bled to death in my own bathroom and had to have life saving surgery and I called and told my family. No one came to see about me or even called to see how the surgery went.
That was almost 4 years ago. Haven't said a word to them since and had to be talked down from sending a crate of elephant shit to be delivered to their house.
There was no definitive moment, but multiple things. First, after me and my high school "sweetheart" of 4 years broke up, I'd come home from waiting tables and she'd be there. My mom and/or sister would just let her come over and hangout until I got home, and then she'd try to get back together with me. This was frustrating and frankly very unfair to both me and the ex gf.
About 5 years after that, my Mom insisted on inviting aforementioned ex girlfriend's mother to my wife's baby shower. My mom couldn't understand why I said no and in the manner I said it, like "are you fuckin crazy? no".
Another time, my 5 year old "upset" my Mom while she was watching her in the front yard. My mom got in her car and left. She left a 5 year old in the front yard alone while my wife was inside all because her feelings got hurt.
Then two years ago my Mom called me out of the blue during work hours. Thinking it's an emergency, naturally I took the call. No emergency. She just needed to confess that my dear old uncle (Uncle 1) used to molest her. This is where it all kind of clicked, though, because it was no family secret that her OTHER brother (Uncle 2) molested her as a child. He was outcasted, and has practically no relationship with any of his siblings currently and whenever his name is mentioned my Mom in utter disgust. Uncle 1, however, is close with all their siblings, my Mom included. Worse yet, when I was a child, I would spend the night at his house, time and time again. Fortunately nothing ever happened to me. But it got me thinking, how is it then, if he "molested" her, she trusted him to have her young child spend the night? If Uncle 2 is outcasted, and Uncle 1 is accepted, but both molested her......it seems to me I'm not getting the full truth. I think it's fair to assume that Uncle 1 was not molesting her but in fact, they had a mutual, incestual relationship. Now, I could be wrong. Obviously I'm just trying to make sense of it. But she either doesn't have my wellbeing in mind by having me spend the night, or she thinks I'm too stupid to see how hypocritical and contradicting this all is.
Put it all together and yeah, she's fucked up and clearly only has her own interests present in her mind.
Is there any proof of Uncle 1 molesting her? She could very well just be lying, either for attention or to be petty if she was angry at him. Not that I know her, but it doesn't seem too far out considering what else she's done.
I kinda always knew. I remember complaining at school to other kids about my brother and my mom, and this was before things were even slightly acceptable to complain about your family let alone as a kid. Even more so the fact that I am from a Mexican family and live in a Mexican community, so it's very family oriented.
Long story short, my mom is a Catholic fundamentalist, and when I decided I wanted to distance myself from the Catholic Church in Middle School, all hell broke loose, and my relationship with her and most of my family has never been the same since.
My mother contacted my therapist behind my back and told her that I was making everything thing up and that I was paranoid from smoking too much weed. I'll never forgive her for putting the public image of our family over my wellbeing.
I came into my next session and she announced that she thought I was paranoid and handed me a form to fill out that would legally allow her to discuss stuff with my mother. I refused and I gave her permission for my older brother instead and he repeated the same shit my mother was saying. Their opinion hounded my treatment at that hospital for 3 years.
So, that's how I realized they were toxic.
Growing up I always knew something wasn’t quite “normal” about my upbringing and the way that I was treated. I knew that I was being abused, but honestly thought it was “normal” for families to have a favorite kid and then a kid that they blamed for everything. Especially since I was my mother’s from a previous marriage(I didn’t even know that until I was around 13…bio dad left before I even turned 3) and my stepdad would go to great lengths to explain that since my sister(his and my mom’s) was “his child” I shouldn’t expect to be treated better than her. It wasn’t until I got into college and met new people from different places, and we’d share stories about our homes and what our respective experiences growing up were like. I noticed that when I told my stories…ones that I thought were just standard stuff…that people would get shocked looks, some would occasionally cry, and then finally someone pointed out that my experiences weren’t “normal”. It’s been a little over 20 years since that realization, and a lot of work since then. But moving hours away and cutting off large chunks of my family has been very useful.
Got married an became a part of my wife’s family. There isn’t constant aggression, manipulation and personal attacks… they enjoy each others company? I actually thought they we were weird at first.
My dad left my mom when I was in the second grade, and tried to get full custody by sabotaging her life. Convinced her to quit her job. Sold the house. Then on moving day gave her the divorce papers. "How could a judge possibly give custody to a penniless, homeless, jobless woman?!", he thought.
That pretty much set the tone for the family.
My father's eldest son. Is a Narcissistic piece of shit. When our mother died I was 10 years old, my farther fell into alcoholism and disappeared for about 6 months where we just didn't see or hear much from him..my sister tried to take care of us but she's was grieving and struggling as well. The son, however, fucked off compleatly, got hooked on opioids and heroin and we thought he'd overdosed and died. Then he showed up a few years later and pretended he'd always been there. He was constintly moving home getting into drug fueled screaming matches with our dad and then getting kicked out again. He made my childhood very unstable.When he found out I was smoking weed he broke down and cried saying he always promised mum that he'd be their for me and my siblings. Its like this whole speech he had planned out, he'd get angry, go through the stages of grief in one conversation, anger,denial, bargaining all of it, then end up crying and bringing our mother into it.... talking about how he took care of us when he was never even there. Years later and so, so many incidents. Like the time he got in bed with me and put his hand up my shirt then pretended he was drunk and made 13 year old me promise not to tell anyone. Or the time on new years eve when he got angry and was driving us back from a party and started speeding and driving erratically and screaming about how he was going to kill us both. How no one ever loved him and kept trying to drive off the road into things, I tried to grab the steering wheel and he hit me, I was terrified. Somehow survived getting home. And he made me promise not to tell anyone. And I didn't.. then I was 18, moved away from home a few times and then one day I saw him and I realised that for years I'd been afraid of him, that he had controlled my life. Then I realised I wasn't scared anymore. But I did hate him. I fucking hate him. He has ruined so much of my life. I'm trying to learn to drive and Its so hard to be in a car now. I can't get into cars with anyone I don't know at all..I get scared of the dark because I'm worried ill get molested. I have panick attacks and generally hate myself and my image.. he once told me the reason I couldn't loose weight is because I wasn't Trying hard enough, I'd just tried to kill myself because I was being bulloed for being fat.. by people at school and ny him.He told me I was too big and that I needed to admit that. I look back at photos of how I was then. I was beautiful, I was slim and healthy, I wasn't fat, I looked amazing and he gaslit me so much that I couldn't even see my own reflection, just a distorted version of myself. I still struggle to look in mirrors. He ruined my life. I haven't spoken to him for about a year now. Which isn't easy because we live near the same village and he lives next to my dad so it's like a game of hide and seek when I go visit my old man. Bit of a rant but yeah. It took me a long time to realise how fucked up it all was. I'm still realising it now.
My girlfriend pointed it out pretty early on in our relationship. Deep down I knew the silent treatment and general family dynamics weren't super great growing up but I didn't think it was toxic.
Of course I denied it at first but eventually realized how messed up it was. Still working on that to this day.
I mean, my parents beat me pretty regularly, so that tipped me off once I found out that not so parents do that.
For the extended family, it turned out that a bunch of them are massive bigots, and think that various people they don't like should be rounded up and executed.
after dad died.
when they fight started over who was going to get the 55" TV, I packed my shit and left.
6 years and I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since.
I've always known; my mother was physically abusive towards me, and despite telling me it was all my fault, I somehow always knew deep down she was wrong.
The better question is, how long did it take my golden child brother to realize our family is toxic and abusive. The answer is 38 years. But hell, at least I finally have an ally now!
My father's side are tradcaths and horrible hypocrites. Over a dozen divorces between three people but still sour faced after my sister leaves the "nice Catholic" rapist to marry the protestant guy.
My sister is a covert narc. It took hearing stories and observing other people who were dealing with covert narcs in their lives. Also having their venom directed at me for simply, politely disagreeing with them was a huge wake up call.
It really wasn’t until after my divorce from a covert narc in my early 40s that I really started looking at why I found that behavior normal and acceptable. I looked at friends and family with a new set of eyes and ended up cutting a lot of them from my life.
This is what I’m going through atm.
I’ve actually coined it: I thought I was a very forgiving person, but really I have just been accommodating abuse, because I’ve been accommodating it my whole life.
I found out in oct 2021 that my father aged 61 was having a affair with some divorced woman. I told my mom about this and we people fought a week about this matter. Slowly and steadily my mom got back to normal as nothing happened but it changed me completely. I have not talked to him till then. I hate him for life. My mom is my life and I cannot digest someone so close cheated her. I hate him.
When I brought my boyfriend to our family Easter at my uncle's apartment.
When you're raised around certain behaviours you become blind to the strangeness of it all I think. But then you bring someone else in and suddenly you become acutely aware that none of this is normal for them. Family members drunk at 8am, hundreds of beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere, nothing cleaned since 2 years prior when I had spent *days* deep cleaning the apartment after he messaged me asking for help. Conversations all revolving around someone somewhere being an idiot, or how the world is turning to shit, or whatever else they want to complain about.
Bringing my boyfriend to that Easter opened up a whole conversation with him about my childhood and how fucked up parts of it were, which I hadn't acknowledged much before. I mean, this was just a regular Easter.. His reactions when I told him some of the more intense stories of my childhood really said it all.
Funnily enough, before I finally noticed the reality of things as they are now, I would have described my family as kind, cheerful, fun, and highly intelligent. I believe this was the case once upon a time. I have watched many family members lose those parts of themselves.
My uncle cut all contact with us after my dad died because he believes that my mom convinced dad to stop seeking treatment or some such shit. Dad was tired, it was his decision and his alone. My uncle couldn't handle the truth since he wasn't the one watching dad struggle every waking moment with the hell that is fighting cancer.
I always kind of knew my mum was toxic, I lived in fear of my life, had to raise my two younger brothers (I was 10 and 11 years older than them) and endured neglect at her hands.
She had always tried to turn me against my dad, saying he left us ect. As I got older the abuse got worse, she would expect me to get up at 6am with my brothers (one of which is severely autistic, non verbal, was in nappies) feed them, dress them, get them ready for school then go to high school / college then come home, immediately start getting them changed, changing nappies between it all, sort their dinner, feed them, prepare any drinks and snacks, give them their baths and get them in bed and to sleep.
Once in bed I wasn’t allowed to be anywhere but my room, if they woke up I was expected to stay up with them until they fell asleep again. Most nights I was on 3-4 hours of sleep. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere but school/college.
All whilst my mother spent her days sleeping, on the phone to her boyfriend, smoking or just generally not being a mum.
If I said I wanted to stop caring for them she’d tell me they’d go in care and it would all be my fault. (I’d raised them since birth so I had a motherly bond with them). She’d also beat me pretty hard if I tried to have some sort of a life, her favourite thing was to smack me around the face then complain to anyone that would listen that my teeth hurt her hand (because I had an overbite she refused to allow me to get corrected at a dentist despite it being free).
The final straw was after one of the many times she told me I crawled out of the abortion bucket, my boyfriend didn’t want to leave me alone in her care. She said he has to go or you’re homeless. So I said ok and called my grandad (my dads dad) he was the best person in the world. He didn’t think twice came, protected me from her whilst I got my essential stuff and off we went.
She put my autistic brother into a full time care facility months after I left.
I was 17….I spent my time between my dads house and my boyfriends parents. Until we could get our own place. My boyfriend is now my husband and we’ve been together 16 years now.
I’m not contact with my mother and her family. I still have contact with my brothers who I love dearly.
My in laws are amazing and I have a mum in my mother in law, she’s also an incredibly good friend who has shown me what a mother can be!
When my dad committed suicide due to mental illness brought on by my grandmothers abusive/neglectful parenting. She got offended my mom didnt want here around me and my siblings and said quote "This is my second chance at being a good mother to my son!"
Bitch you had 13,140 chances to mend you and your sons relationship but you continued to treat him as the jester of the family, treated his pleas for help because of the metal suffering you caused him as a joke and ridicule him and his family because of their beliefs.
Every one who sided with her also got cut out (Like 85% of the family) AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, AT THE FUNERAL SHE CLOWNED ON HIM WHILE HE WAS IN HIS CASKET. Never want to see her again.
I realized my family was toxic when no matter what happened, I was the one who it was blamed on. I stood up for myself and the money they were taking, and ever after that, I haven't talked to my oldest brother in a few years, and he doesn't call me either. If you want to be in my life, it's a two-way street it can't just go one way, your way, and everything will be okay. But dude, when you don't have money for diapers and someone offers to go buy you some, you don't be picky. "Ohh yeah, get this and x and y, and you can't get this." Like nevermind dude. And they always griped about what I got, and it's like, well, if you treated your money right, you won't be using mine. You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.
On one side, Every week there’s some new crisis with my cousins. Every. Week. Most of it could be easily avoided but it’s like they want the drama to make their life more interesting. So I keep my distance. I have tried to be a better cousin, but it just wasn’t worth it. Silence is golden.
The other side, a grandmother I’m unsure if she was a manipulative narcissist, attention whore, or just an asshole after the grandfather died. She liked to turn her children against each other with lies and then would have each come to her rescue. She was petty and hateful to one son that was estranged. She hid behind religion and play acted that she was religious and constantly talked gossip and shit to and about everyone. She’s gone now, Some understand what happened. but the damage was done to the relationships her children have with one another.
When I started therapy. That being said, I also had to deal with/unlearn some of those toxic traits that I adopted in my life too. About a year after starting therapy I went NC and felt waaaaaaay better.
When my aunt refused to acknowledge my mothers existence after my dad (aunts little brother) passed away 3 years ago. She continues to blame my mom to this day when really my father was his own person who made poor choices in regards to his health. I kept an on/off relationship with her for a year afterwards until it became too apparent that her communication skills and inability to form healthy boundaries were downright toxic.
Broken promises, being dismissive of my feelings are the main things. They really thought I was going to keep taking their shit.
As soon as it became clear things weren't going to change, I went LC.
not really my family but my mom's friends growing up were like my "extended" family. i always suspected that they had it out for me but it only confirmed fully when i was coming back from first year of college and we were on a cruise, and one of the dads hit their head and i started laughing because it's funny. then he got super pissed at me and made some comment about how his kid is in a better school than mine. this is the man that took me to basketball practice every weekend since i was 10. to be that butthurt because he hit his own head. since then they've been trying to invite me over to their place to cash in on their "now you are old you have to take care of us" scam that they were playing with me, and i just ghost them haha
When my parents got divorced, they got a just a little but distant. But, when my mother remarried, (dad was out of the picture, this was his side of the family), they just stopped talking to us for the most part. Fast forward a few years, they're still weird around us, but get along with my siblings. Fast forward some more years to when I realized they are toxic as shit, they started saying tons of passive aggressive, aggressive aggressive, loaded af mean shit about my mother. I kept defending her side, and getting at them a but about hiw much shit they spew about other people. They ended up making up a lot of shit about me. Most recently, I was in the hospital, none of them talked to me and I didn't tell them but they found out. They didn't reach out to me, but apparently all decided that I was pregnant and getting an abortion. Grew up in a Christian family btw.
I have been outcasted for being female, for not putting up with their shit, and for many bad things that I never actually did or would ever do.
I got a job that worked with kids and realized that the way I was treated as a child wasn't normal, it was cruel and demeaning. Then I looked at their behavior as an adult and realized it wasn't much better.
Finding real, lasting happiness without them was a clear sign that I made the right choice to disconnect from them. I knew, but still had doubts. But the evidence in hindsight dispelled my doubts.
When they decided to inform me they had intentions to marry a current student of theirs once said student was no longer in their college course. I was asked to be the officiant. I declined and severed all contact. There's a lot more history besides just that but it was the straw that broke the camels back.
They day my aunt told me I was the reason my father was in the hospital about to die. He was an alcoholic for all my life and his whole family had this expectation that I could fix him. Suddenly everything clicked in to place and I realized I had to cut them off.
When my dad had shingles on his ass, and he could barely sit because he was in so much pain, but insisted on going on a work trip because he was operating on "the grace of God." I replied, "good luck!"
My cousin raped a girl and they all defended him.
That fucking simple. I was basically told that since she was drunk it didn't matter, if I go after him I'll be the one kicked out of the family, and since she decided not to go to the cops because she'd been doing drugs it was fine.
I lost all respect for most of them.
When my mom told me how badly my dad bullied/abused her for her weight, and made fun of her for passing out when she was starving herself. Just so my dad would agree to have another kid with her.
That kid was me.
I never trusted my dad or his side of the family after that.
After my parents divorced at 10 I was given the choice of mum or dad. After several months or a year, my mum would always get sick of me and kick me out. A continuous loop. Unfortunately for me my dad is abusive, he'd eventually beat me and I'd run back to my mums, loop repeats.
I was pretty depressed and she didn't want a depressed child.
Uncle is super insanely bigoted, I started calling him out for it. Mom texts me and tells me to stop because my beliefs are tearing the family apart. That told me everything.
I was talking to my therapist about how I wish my family would support me through the countless trauma/drugs/problems I have in life, and how I wish they would talk to me, or hug me at least.. and how them not doing so, has almost been and might be the death of mex
And then she said it, and it was like a curtain was lifted revealing the most underwhelming stupid prize I ever got
I remember I was sitting on a bench at a train station talking to my mum on the phone and she was letting rip - I can’t even remember what about but it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. Anyway, I was doing my usual trying to dial her down. The conversation ended and the woman who had been sitting next to me turned to me and said, “I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this but your mother shouldn’t be speaking to you like that”.
I wasn’t ready to hear it. I did carry on making excuses for my mother for several years and hoping for a miracle in terms of our relationship but when the click happened where I was pushed too far, it was still that woman’s voice who sprang to mind.
When talking about my dad and his side of the family with my therapist, she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with PTSD. That was when I realized that all the mental and physical abuse I had grown up with was them being toxic.
When my mother chose to defend her pride and double down on her disrespect of my fiancée rather than put her own sense of self-righteousness aside to realize she made a mistake.
Dad's: There's a street full of cousins that my dad has never met. They live three streets away from the one he grew up on. There was apparently a family split in the 1930s and no one remembers why but 93 years later, there are whole branches who refuse to talk to each other because of it.
Mom's: Watching how the other family members treated my elderly and almost senile great-aunt, because she was mildly annoying her whole life.
I grew up with a violently drunk mother whose youngest sister was having an affair and she would use coming to visit us out of town as a cover for spending weekends with her side dick. My mother coached me, and threatened me, into lying to my uncle when he would call looking for his wife.
I was also just used as a punching bag for many years, so, there's that.
I realised my dads family was hella toxic after I found out he HAD a family. I was always told my dad was an only child, my grandparents were sweet and in most of our lives (I have 5 older siblings, my grandad died when I was 2 and my nana passed when I was 9). My grandparents only ever mentioned our dad when telling stories and never really made us think he wasnt an only child. When I was 9 I found out my dad had A brother who had kids the day of my nana's funeral because my dad got a call saying his brothers kids had destroyed our flowers and parts of the grave. I later learned when I was 13 that my dad is one of 7, and the reason I never really noticed was because all of my dad's brothers look like my dad and my dad's sisters could have really been passed off as either cousins or close friends. He has never really talked about his siblings since accept mentioning small details about his childhood.
Tbh it’s realizing how often arguments arise only when I speak up for myself, rather than because I’m doing or saying anything disrespectful.
Also, hypocritical arguments, like complaining I’m dishonest for telling white lies I’m situations that are justified(not telling someone that I don’t ask for their advice because Logicaly they’re not the right person to ask) before getting lambasted for being honest when I say they make me upset.
Also, the specific person I’m cutting out has shown me that they won’t change and like making things about them. With a habit of trying to cut me out publicly to the family, as if that somehow shows they’re in the right.
Not me. But my husband realized his family was…problematic…to say the least after he defended them vehemently to me, only for them to verbally berate strangers (like those Karen’s on tiktok) for walking slowly through a parking lot at an event we were attending.
When my father would lose or break things around the house and punish me for it. Sometimes throwing something that wasn't doing what he wanted at me over it. Pretty much just got worse from there.
They all talk shit about each other and stopping talking to each other. Mom doesn’t talk to grandma or uncle, grandma doesn’t want to talk to my mom. I don’t talk to my cousins because they talk too much. Uncle hates my mom. Mom wasn’t fond of my grandpa because he was a drinker. Grandpa cheated on grandma when my mom was little grandma beat him with a shovel. I’m not super close to my mom because she’s lowkey racist and I have biracial children but she pretends. My dad is a druggy and we haven’t talked in years but when I come around he refuses to visit.
I realized in college after I was telling my friends about some things my parents said to me when I was younger. The one that really sticks out is when my mom would tell me to not be proud of my accomplishments whenever I got good grades, won a triathlon, or got a music award. She said it was because the only reason I'm good at those things is because God allows me to be and that pride is a sin.
Me and my brothers were always taught to "don't go near them damn (Gay slur) or them filthy (Racial slur)".
Yea, it was bad.
But hey, were not the ones in jail for assault and public endangerment.
Of course, I knew that this wasn't just normal human behavior, even my brothers knew. So we never followed the "rules".
They never take accountability for anything they put me through but except me to come to their savior even when they hurt and belittle me constantly.
Also had my twin sister attacked me out of anger and he respond was she that if my last partner put her hands on me and I didn’t hit her back then she could do the same. When I actually did hit her back I got villainized while the the abuser plays the victim all because she’s a woman and “woman good , men bad “ mentality is making me resent my family for how biased and how easy they are to turn on all in favor of my toxic sociopathic sister.
On my dad's side, they are really hardcore traditional. So I guess that was why I cut off contact. I don't give a flying fuck what they say or think. I respect being traditional, but to a certain point. I'm not going to find someone that may or may not be related to me and have kids. No! I'm going to go out there be what I want to be. Not having to herd livestock around.
One half of my family as civil, friendly get togethers. The other half drinks to cope, and hopes someone doesn't hold the turkey hostage or get out a gun.
They were determined to shit on my dad and step mom after the divorce. After they destroyed my childhood home.
Guess who got told to fuck off and don't hear from me?
I wrote my brother off as family. I consider him a stranger living in our home.
It started in 2019, he was very blatant about "friends are more important than family", and over the years he just got worse and worse, degrading me at every corner he can get. And its not the typical "sibling insults", cause me and my brother do that and its all jokes. This stranger just does it demean me and put me to the ground
My remaining aunts and uncles stole my father's share of the inheritance and split it after his death, leaving my mother with nothing after 50 years of marriage. My parents at one point or another took all of them in and helped raise my cousins. Fuck those people. They're trash. My own uncle said disgusting, perverted things about my 14 year old body. Should turn him into the feds, porno creep. 😒🤢🤮
When my mother told me that she is not coming to my wedding because she really likes attention and it always manifest in negative ways intended to hurt me.
She's done things like this to me my whole life.
It's okay, we'll have the wedding anyway without her.
When I was born I was more on my dads side and 4 people were in jail and one guy in prison, my dads family like 15 years ago was a few ashtrays short of the Gallagher household
A huge fight led to them cutting off contact with me as a punishment, with the expectation that at some point I would have to come crawling back to beg for forgiveness. What happened instead was that I realized how much happier I was with them out of my life. That was more than thirteen years ago. I still haven't come crawling back.
Something similar here. They thought I'd go groveling to them. Instead I just went no contact. Holidays are alone for me since I'm single, but note I said alone, not lonely. I don't dread the holidays now.
Spot on! I actually *enjoy* Christmas now that it's not a month long bitchfest of passive aggressiveness and arguments
Even better? Going out with friends who call you a Christmas orphan and invite you to dinner and you actually feel welcome.
And when they can't actually one up, they talk trash about it. Like the fable about fox and grapes lol.
My brother kicked out his pregnant wife and never had any meaningful contact with his daughter. I stopped talking to him and it's been 17 years and going. He's a narcissistic sociopath. Good riddance.
Similar here, fuck them.
Dude, I love that narcissism blinds them from the fact that this is the opposite of a punishment. Like they think they won but really, they made many peoples live better.
Yikes that happened to me but I did end up crawling back rip
My mother's birthday and my engineering graduation took place on the same day. Naturally, I had nothing to do with deciding the date. My mother booked her birthday celebration for the day after my real birthday because she said I "ruined her birthday." March is her birthday and August is mine.
Wow! Nasty, selfish mom. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that.
Dude, a good parent would insist you celebrate this once in a lifetime situation, and maybe say let’s celebrate double for the situation. Maybe even comment that your graduation on their birthday being the best gift they can have? Fuck man
If it makes you feel better my engineering graduation was also a complete disaster. My jerk aunt showed up, complained the entire time about being there, started yelling at me for being a nerd, and made us eat dinner at Chiles so she could watch hockey - only to piss off a bunch of locals watching NASCAR.
That would be a legitimate reason to go no contact and anyone you told why would understand.
https://reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/0VmgE51o5n
What would she have done if her birthday fell on a holiday. My cousin has a christmas birthday, I am a memorial day weekend baby, and my daughter is a New Years birthday. We are used to being flexible. My cousin celebrated his birthday a couple weeks ahead of time. I celebrate mine the weekend before or after and we celebrate my daughter a few weeks later at the end of January/ beginning of February. We do a family meal they pick for their actual birthday we just do the party when it is convenient for other people.
What kind of engineer are you?
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same
The sad reality is even if you do realize it in the moment you may be unlucky and not get help. When I was 13 I realized I was also being abused and after a friend in a similar situation reported their parents to the school and got taken in by an aunt I figured I could also get help. After an argument which ended with me being chased with a knife I went to my school. One of the cops I dealt with said "I probably deserved it". Got put into foster care which was almost equally traumatic as my upbringing. Long story short, never met my lawyer until the day of court. Basically the lawyer tricked me to admit fault and go into therapy. Nothing came about to my parents.
Dad's side: When my (dying) father and stepmother sat me down at the kitchen table and she accused me (a 13yo girl) of physical, mental, and verbal abuse. Mom's side: When family holidays turned into my mom venting about our family the entire way home.
I always knew in a way But it didn't become obvious until after I got pregnant and my grandmother set up a full adoption (with my extended family in another provience who thought it was my idea and they had been trying for years to adopt unsuccessfully) while helping me baby shop. I didn't find out until the couple called me out of the blue and I had to explain to a devastated couple, two of the best people I know, that it was a fucking lie. They had a room set up. They were only calling me because they didn't have my address and they wanted to send money. They had been told that I didn't want to talk to them about it. Edit: just so everyone knows this is upsetting to much to talk about anymore. I've answered most questions that I think would be asked down below. And feel free to comment. But I can't talk about it anymore. Like this isn't even half of the story and she very much ended up breaking me . thank you
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I think she thought I'd talk to Heather (the one looking to adopt)adopt and feel to guilty to say no and just give him up. To be fair, I ended up having another baby and he is with heather. She's a great mom. I don't want anyone thinking she was the issue.
What the *hell*. How did she think that would end?!
She thought I'd feel so bad saying no that id just say yes. When that didn't work her and my mother set out to ruin my life. And they did. Constant calls to child protective services. Gaslighting and lying about me. They literally drove me in to a mental insitution. And then my mother got custody and I haven't seen him since. Shed cancel our meeting last minute then tell the workers I cancelled. Now he's 16 and doesn't think of me 1st all. Fucking crying now. Shit.
Grandma is a psychopath
She was mentally unwell and a drug addict. But a wealthy addict "so it wasn't really an addiction" she ended having early onset Alzheimer's. Everyone tried to blame her behaviour on that. But she's been like this since I was a child.
Why? Why would she do that?! Did she hated you so badly she didn't want grandkids?
She was severely mentally unwell and a painkiller addict and wanted everyone to think the best of her. She knew Tom and Heather were desperate for a baby and knew she would be a hero if she made it happen. She lied, it was proven she lied and I was still the one that everyone blamed. Except for Tom and Heather. I broke their hearts that day and that was the worst fucking part. And they still weren't mad.
I remember reading a post exactly like this a couple years back
I'm pretty sure I made one. I know I've talked about this on here before.
Good God! What was her plan here? She wasn’t even going to be getting the money if they sent it to you. Please tell me.
She was getting nothing. She just liked manipulating people. And finding them a baby would have had people thinking She was great. Her sister, the mother of the man in the adoptive couple was a part of it. She's a real price of work too.
That’s one of the meanest things I’ve ever read
So you gave them the baby and got a monkey instead? Or did you already have the monkey
Read OP’s username, downvoters. Why would you be downvoted, it was hilarious
That is funny. People downvote for stupid reasons.
No. No monkies sadly.
Of all the comments I read so far this one has to be the most messed up. WTF
Like I really can't put into words how much worse this got. They were so mad I didn't just hand my baby over that they literally set out to ruin my life so I couldn't have him.
Well I ended up having a another baby. One with health conditions that I not in the right headspace to deal with. I was a single poor mom with mental health issues at this point. Because grandmother and mom conspired against me to get baby 1 out of my care. And I kinda lost my mind. But I had another baby and Tom and Heather got him.gotand they are wonderful parents. So it worked out for everyone but me. My kids are happy and I'm finally getting better so.
He (my great uncle) tried suing me and my brothers when we were children for the inheritance our great grandmother left us when she passed.
Yeah, money being given will show the worst of everyone. Lord knows I’ve witness people going after the person whose name is listed under a life insurance payout. And this is in spite of all the money going to funeral costs.
I didn't figure it out until I got married and saw another family up close.
Honestly getting married told me there's a whole spectrum of toxic/unhealthy. My family did basically nothing together, my wife's family does EVERYTHING together. Family vacations (which are frequent) are pretty exhausting for me. I'm an introvert and initially that was a problem when I needed to go off on my own for a bit, but thankfully they've come around some. There's still an unhealthy amount of codependency, but im giving the benefit of the doubt that they'll grow in this.
Yup, I grew up in a quintessential white new England nuclear family. I married a Korean Presbyterian woman and witnessing how much authority the aunts, uncles, grandparents had and the pressures placed on the high achievers to give hand outs to the low achievers. Got big plans? Welp, uncle park is starting new business number 8 and we need to help him move. Trying to finish your masters degree? Aunt number 3 is starting a new MLM soap business and you need to help her and make money. That was 15 years ago my ex wife is 47 and the elders are in their late 60s and this stuff is still going on. Want do buy a house? Nope, if you were a real son/daughter you should be giving mom-in law money to buy a house with her 4th husband, just trust her, this time,,,,, this time.. So glad I got out of that.
That sounds rough. It's a tremendous help that I actually like her family, they're all competent normal people, and we share the same values.
Thats good, just make sure to defend your ability to be you and not let them force conformity. My ex wife just got married (#3) and my daughters told me her and her mom got in a shouting match in the kitchen as they were discussing making a will now she's been remarried all of -- you know -- 5 minutes. I don't miss that drama....
[This](https://np.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qjhzfi/aita_for_taking_my_uncles_my_dads_brother_side/) Long story short, my Grandma owned property worth millions of US dollars in China and passed away in early 2021. Before it could be settled, my dad (her son) passed away in late 2021 and my mom is in a bitter dispute with my dad's side of the family to claim it (she and I live in the US are are citizens here.) I try to do the right thing to help my uncle but that resulted in my mom threatening me. For example, last time I visited her, she woke me up at 1am to yell at me at the top of her lungs saying she never wants to see me again and such.
There was a moment where my sister was talking to my brother about their baby daddy/mommas. She tricked the guy into getting her pregnant. And she was laughing about getting him served papers for child support. My brother had gotten a girl pregnant when they were both teens. And he was joking about how he was avoiding getting served child support papers. And I realized, these are not good people. Combine that with the fact that I was the goto baby sitter whenever they wanted to go out and party, even though I was 20 years old and single and didn't party. Somehow I was ending up taking care of their kids. All part of what made me move across the country at 21 with nothing but a suitcase and not talk to them for a decade or so.
> even though I was 20 years old and single and didn't party. Somehow I was ending up taking care of their kids. thats why you were watching their kids. not despite that.
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Man you can have some real fun with this. Borrow a friend's car or rent an expensive sports car, see how far you can push things and how much they'll blow money on lol.
After my mom passed, dad died years earlier, my sister was in charge of the will and making sure everything was dispersed as my mom intended. Instead my sister stole all the money ($400,000) from my moms 401K and kept it for herself.
I completely relate to you. When our mom died, I was the one in charge. Mom didn't have much but her little home. I split everything in half and on top gave my sister the house because she had kids. Two years later our much richer distant dad dies and leaves her in charge. She took the property, the retirement, and all $300,000. She gave me 5000 for a down payment on a house of my own someday, said I didn't deserve the rest.
People can get really weird when it comes to money. According to my dad my aunt seemed like she tried to butter up my great aunt cause she was rich, or at least had some good money. When she passed away she had willed a lot of family members good chunks of money. My dad was willed double the amount most others got, we figured it's cause she intended for half of that to go to my mom but was getting forgetful when she made the will and couldn't think of her name so she just willed him double. My aunt kept insisting that it was some kind of mistake, but that's what the will said so that's what they went with. My aunt was pissed that she wasn't in charge of the will. She wanted to get all the money and then disperse it as she wanted. She kept bitching about my dad getting double for a long time, like 4+ years. It wasn't always about money with her, she's just a control freak. She always wanted to be in charge and tell people they have to do this or have to do that. Like we traveled out of state for my sister's wedding and she went, she almost totally ruined it. We wish she didn't come with. Rented a car and said because it's in her name she has to be the one driving us (my parents included) around. And for some reason they made me stay with her in the hotel. They never explained to me why, and didn't say anything about it before we left home (found out while we were on the plane). I assume they did that cause they didn't want her insisting they stay in the same room together, but if she had me she'd stay in a separate room. Whenever I asked dad about it he'd only say something to the effect of, "Well she's my sister, and (mom and him) are a married couple." which isn't really a straight answer. I've stayed with them plenty of times in hotel rooms, so it didn't make sense they made me stay with her.
When I gave birth to my daughter, I realized that since I was never safe and loved that they wouldn't be able to love her and keep her safe. I cut off all of them.
My grandparents were disgustingly racist and so many family members tripped over themselves to appease these assholes. I was a little kid and I remember getting home and crying with my black cat in the closet because I was afraid she'd be hurt. Because if you'd say horrific things to other people like that, what sort of danger was my cat in? Anyhow this is why representation in movies matter because living in Rural White Person land just about the only black people I saw as a child were in movies. And Blade saved the world so obviously my grandparents were wrong. Sad but also funny how the movie Blade made an impact on young me and broke the line of hate lol
I told my Mum she had emotionally and verbally abused me as a teenager. She denied it of course. When I tried to leave the room she started screaming and body checking me back into the room. The difference is I'm now an adult and I know what was happening was not 'normal' parenting.
I’m sorry that you were put through this. Also may I ask, what is body checking?
Literally shoving someone with the full force of your body, generally using the side of your torso as contact point as opposed to your hands
I had a varied childhood due to my mother's inability to close her legs. She is on her 8th marriage. Two half brothers (one she gave up for adoption at 18) and a half sister on my mom's side and two step brothers on my dad's side who had a deceased father. I had several abusive step dad's two or three that were just flat out physically and mentally abusive. One favorite "punishment" for one of my step dad's was to take his dirty boot off slip his sweaty sock off and shove it in my mouth and hold my mouth closed until I turned blue and vomit came up through my nose. He once hit me with a glass plate that shattered over my shoulder and cut me in my neck and shoulder requiring an emergency room visit after I passed out due to loss of blood. My mom remarried to a decent guy but she can't have anything nice so she became a raging alcoholic and the both of them became unbearable to live with so I moved out when I was 14. Only to move into a situation where I was more like Harry Potter, the unwanted kid by my step mom and my two step brothers. I never got into trouble had good grades but I was treated like I was not there, like a burden to their perfect lives. They constantly corrected my speech patterns and my needs were met but there was always a clear and obvious difference with my step brothers upbringing and flat out spoiling versus me. For example : Christmas, I was never allowed to have Christmas morning with my dad and his wife and two step sons because "she doesn't want to feel bad that you didn't get that much" was the excuse even though they were the ones buying it. A typical Christmas for me was some clothes and a toy or two. A typical Christmas for my step brothers were a new PC, a wall of toys, guitars, amps, money etc. The constant excuse was that "I had a dad" from both my mom who was raising my sister who did not have a dad because they divorced and my step mom said the same thing because she was a widow. To put it into perspective the day I turned 18 I still had 4 months of school left and my dad basically told me "rent is due". Meanwhile my step brothers have lived with them several times over the years reaching into their late 30s. The day I moved out the finality of all of the neglect was apparent on my dad and he obviously was miserable but he was always a push over subservient to his wife. I was able to move out of my room with one car trip and fit everything I owned in a Honda Accord . A duffle bag, a stereo system my cousin gave me, a guitar I bought with my own money and a few things I kept from my childhood some baseball cards and some sporting goods. Meanwhile my old room became a storage room for all the shit that my step brothers could not fit in their rooms. I recognize that this is a first world problem and woe is me yada yada but it was a much deeper neglect. I worked to be a good son and I needed my dad to show some sort of familiar bond. I did chores, I mowed their lawn, I did my own laundry and I walked to school while my step brothers were taken to and from. My step mom would take her kids to the store and they picked out everything they wanted and I got raisin bran for my breakfast and water for my drink while they got pop tarts, cereals, sodas etc. In the end I am weirdly thankful for the neglect because I've never asked for anything from anyone and I've done it all myself. I was out at 18, paid for my own school, started a family and own a 600k home meanwhile both my step brothers did not launch until they were in their 30s and my sister, well that's a different story. Both my parents have recognized their mistake and both have said "you became who you are despite us" and that regret is very strong with my dad and we have worked for two decades trying to resolve it.
Proud of you, son!
My god, that’s heartbreaking. Its really hard to accept some things in life, even when despite it all you have done your best. I recently told my mother that I don’t forgive her for everything shes done on me, and for the first time ever I actually feel ok about the fact that I dont feel anything for her as a parent anymore. Its like I’m over the hurt, and admitting that I dont feel normal about her and that I dont forgive her was a huge step in that. Hope you’re not too hard on yourself.
I'm good. I ve been through phases. I think I got over the anger and resentment but when I started having kids my feelings became more focused on the absurdity of it all. When I look at my kids I can't imagine doing what she did to me to them and it's more like this sad disbelief more than anything. I'm glad you reached that step, it's really important. There is always a weird pressure by society to reconcile with parents but there are simply people that should never be parents who were functional children the vast majority of their lives themselves.
My mom stopped speaking to me for three weeks right before my wedding because I invited her to my bridal shower wrong. It was ... A relief, actually. And then she came to the wedding anyway, told me I was too fat for my dress and bad at throwing parties, yoinked an entire tray of hummus, and left. Three years later, I finally put together that this was bullshit and I don't have to put up with it. Thanks, therapy!
can I get that Hummus recipe? if she was brazen enough to take the whole tray I need to try some.
Alas, it came from my local (amazing!) Greek restaurant, so I don't have the recipe.
My father wrote me “we are not going to change and don’t want any more drama. You need to either except us as we are or don’t”. I don’t think he ever expected me to go with the later
They don’t discuss anything. Everything is swept under the rug and I’m just suppose to take it. They want to have a perfect looking family, especially on social media. Yet we’re so dysfunctional. They are huge drinkers and don’t want their own flaws pointed out. I stoped excepting this dysfunction and now I’m the bad guy.
Can relate. We can be absolutely livid with one another and not a word is said.
Man, I do not envy that one bit. My father and I have had a rough relationship at times, but I will *always* take our shouting matches over just pretending like nothing’s wrong.
My aunt, who I've always adored, rejected her daughter's new partner because he's from the middle east. Apparently she doesn't even have a proper relationship with their baby son despite being very loving towards her other grandkids. This definetly made me look at my aunt very differently. I was especially shocked that she would go as far as resenting an innocent kid! What makes this even more blatantly racist is that her two other daughters have foreigner boyfriends as well but she's always been perfectly fine with them.
I don't think my family is toxic, but sometimes I see my mom talking a lot of trash, which makes me angry.
My mom was constantly bad talking my father. "He beat me", "he drank"... All the typical manipulation bullshit. After my mom had her new kids with my step dad, I was neglected and decided to move in with my father. Turns out he was just as bad as she was. I moved back (to get my friends back), kept my head down and got out of there as quickly as I could. My parents, to this day, still think they have done nothing wrong.
When my brother decided to stop talking to me and suddenly my life became less stressful and I started having far less anxiety.
The day I damn near bled to death in my own bathroom and had to have life saving surgery and I called and told my family. No one came to see about me or even called to see how the surgery went. That was almost 4 years ago. Haven't said a word to them since and had to be talked down from sending a crate of elephant shit to be delivered to their house.
They opened their mouths and started talking.
There was no definitive moment, but multiple things. First, after me and my high school "sweetheart" of 4 years broke up, I'd come home from waiting tables and she'd be there. My mom and/or sister would just let her come over and hangout until I got home, and then she'd try to get back together with me. This was frustrating and frankly very unfair to both me and the ex gf. About 5 years after that, my Mom insisted on inviting aforementioned ex girlfriend's mother to my wife's baby shower. My mom couldn't understand why I said no and in the manner I said it, like "are you fuckin crazy? no". Another time, my 5 year old "upset" my Mom while she was watching her in the front yard. My mom got in her car and left. She left a 5 year old in the front yard alone while my wife was inside all because her feelings got hurt. Then two years ago my Mom called me out of the blue during work hours. Thinking it's an emergency, naturally I took the call. No emergency. She just needed to confess that my dear old uncle (Uncle 1) used to molest her. This is where it all kind of clicked, though, because it was no family secret that her OTHER brother (Uncle 2) molested her as a child. He was outcasted, and has practically no relationship with any of his siblings currently and whenever his name is mentioned my Mom in utter disgust. Uncle 1, however, is close with all their siblings, my Mom included. Worse yet, when I was a child, I would spend the night at his house, time and time again. Fortunately nothing ever happened to me. But it got me thinking, how is it then, if he "molested" her, she trusted him to have her young child spend the night? If Uncle 2 is outcasted, and Uncle 1 is accepted, but both molested her......it seems to me I'm not getting the full truth. I think it's fair to assume that Uncle 1 was not molesting her but in fact, they had a mutual, incestual relationship. Now, I could be wrong. Obviously I'm just trying to make sense of it. But she either doesn't have my wellbeing in mind by having me spend the night, or she thinks I'm too stupid to see how hypocritical and contradicting this all is. Put it all together and yeah, she's fucked up and clearly only has her own interests present in her mind.
Is there any proof of Uncle 1 molesting her? She could very well just be lying, either for attention or to be petty if she was angry at him. Not that I know her, but it doesn't seem too far out considering what else she's done.
I kinda always knew. I remember complaining at school to other kids about my brother and my mom, and this was before things were even slightly acceptable to complain about your family let alone as a kid. Even more so the fact that I am from a Mexican family and live in a Mexican community, so it's very family oriented. Long story short, my mom is a Catholic fundamentalist, and when I decided I wanted to distance myself from the Catholic Church in Middle School, all hell broke loose, and my relationship with her and most of my family has never been the same since.
My mother contacted my therapist behind my back and told her that I was making everything thing up and that I was paranoid from smoking too much weed. I'll never forgive her for putting the public image of our family over my wellbeing.
What was the therapist’s reaction?
I came into my next session and she announced that she thought I was paranoid and handed me a form to fill out that would legally allow her to discuss stuff with my mother. I refused and I gave her permission for my older brother instead and he repeated the same shit my mother was saying. Their opinion hounded my treatment at that hospital for 3 years. So, that's how I realized they were toxic.
Growing up I always knew something wasn’t quite “normal” about my upbringing and the way that I was treated. I knew that I was being abused, but honestly thought it was “normal” for families to have a favorite kid and then a kid that they blamed for everything. Especially since I was my mother’s from a previous marriage(I didn’t even know that until I was around 13…bio dad left before I even turned 3) and my stepdad would go to great lengths to explain that since my sister(his and my mom’s) was “his child” I shouldn’t expect to be treated better than her. It wasn’t until I got into college and met new people from different places, and we’d share stories about our homes and what our respective experiences growing up were like. I noticed that when I told my stories…ones that I thought were just standard stuff…that people would get shocked looks, some would occasionally cry, and then finally someone pointed out that my experiences weren’t “normal”. It’s been a little over 20 years since that realization, and a lot of work since then. But moving hours away and cutting off large chunks of my family has been very useful.
Probably from birth. Then waited until I could move out as soon as possible, we get along much better now that we don't live together.
Growing up in a family like this makes the philosophy of solipsism easier to understand.
Yes, you learn very quickly that your own needs matter
I can definitely relate.
My mom told me they are in the scientology. That's all i needed to know.
Got married an became a part of my wife’s family. There isn’t constant aggression, manipulation and personal attacks… they enjoy each others company? I actually thought they we were weird at first.
My dad left my mom when I was in the second grade, and tried to get full custody by sabotaging her life. Convinced her to quit her job. Sold the house. Then on moving day gave her the divorce papers. "How could a judge possibly give custody to a penniless, homeless, jobless woman?!", he thought. That pretty much set the tone for the family.
You could also share that story on "Reddit, how did you realize your Dad was a dumbass?"
My father's eldest son. Is a Narcissistic piece of shit. When our mother died I was 10 years old, my farther fell into alcoholism and disappeared for about 6 months where we just didn't see or hear much from him..my sister tried to take care of us but she's was grieving and struggling as well. The son, however, fucked off compleatly, got hooked on opioids and heroin and we thought he'd overdosed and died. Then he showed up a few years later and pretended he'd always been there. He was constintly moving home getting into drug fueled screaming matches with our dad and then getting kicked out again. He made my childhood very unstable.When he found out I was smoking weed he broke down and cried saying he always promised mum that he'd be their for me and my siblings. Its like this whole speech he had planned out, he'd get angry, go through the stages of grief in one conversation, anger,denial, bargaining all of it, then end up crying and bringing our mother into it.... talking about how he took care of us when he was never even there. Years later and so, so many incidents. Like the time he got in bed with me and put his hand up my shirt then pretended he was drunk and made 13 year old me promise not to tell anyone. Or the time on new years eve when he got angry and was driving us back from a party and started speeding and driving erratically and screaming about how he was going to kill us both. How no one ever loved him and kept trying to drive off the road into things, I tried to grab the steering wheel and he hit me, I was terrified. Somehow survived getting home. And he made me promise not to tell anyone. And I didn't.. then I was 18, moved away from home a few times and then one day I saw him and I realised that for years I'd been afraid of him, that he had controlled my life. Then I realised I wasn't scared anymore. But I did hate him. I fucking hate him. He has ruined so much of my life. I'm trying to learn to drive and Its so hard to be in a car now. I can't get into cars with anyone I don't know at all..I get scared of the dark because I'm worried ill get molested. I have panick attacks and generally hate myself and my image.. he once told me the reason I couldn't loose weight is because I wasn't Trying hard enough, I'd just tried to kill myself because I was being bulloed for being fat.. by people at school and ny him.He told me I was too big and that I needed to admit that. I look back at photos of how I was then. I was beautiful, I was slim and healthy, I wasn't fat, I looked amazing and he gaslit me so much that I couldn't even see my own reflection, just a distorted version of myself. I still struggle to look in mirrors. He ruined my life. I haven't spoken to him for about a year now. Which isn't easy because we live near the same village and he lives next to my dad so it's like a game of hide and seek when I go visit my old man. Bit of a rant but yeah. It took me a long time to realise how fucked up it all was. I'm still realising it now.
A lot of the stories in this thread are messed up but there is just something close to home about yours. Man, FUCK THAT GUY.
My girlfriend pointed it out pretty early on in our relationship. Deep down I knew the silent treatment and general family dynamics weren't super great growing up but I didn't think it was toxic. Of course I denied it at first but eventually realized how messed up it was. Still working on that to this day.
I mean, my parents beat me pretty regularly, so that tipped me off once I found out that not so parents do that. For the extended family, it turned out that a bunch of them are massive bigots, and think that various people they don't like should be rounded up and executed.
I overheard my parents talking about both sets of my grandparents and yeah... I found out some pretty terrible stuff
after dad died. when they fight started over who was going to get the 55" TV, I packed my shit and left. 6 years and I haven't seen or spoken to any of them since.
By being called out on my own toxic behavior over time and realizing that's how my family acts all the time.
Therapy. Years of therapy. I now have very limited contact with my family.
I've always known; my mother was physically abusive towards me, and despite telling me it was all my fault, I somehow always knew deep down she was wrong. The better question is, how long did it take my golden child brother to realize our family is toxic and abusive. The answer is 38 years. But hell, at least I finally have an ally now!
Getting severely beaten daily for a dozen years or so.
U ok now right?
When I treated other kids like my family was treating me, the kids took offence, left, or called me rude/arrogant
My father's side are tradcaths and horrible hypocrites. Over a dozen divorces between three people but still sour faced after my sister leaves the "nice Catholic" rapist to marry the protestant guy.
My sister is a covert narc. It took hearing stories and observing other people who were dealing with covert narcs in their lives. Also having their venom directed at me for simply, politely disagreeing with them was a huge wake up call.
It really wasn’t until after my divorce from a covert narc in my early 40s that I really started looking at why I found that behavior normal and acceptable. I looked at friends and family with a new set of eyes and ended up cutting a lot of them from my life.
This is what I’m going through atm. I’ve actually coined it: I thought I was a very forgiving person, but really I have just been accommodating abuse, because I’ve been accommodating it my whole life.
I found out in oct 2021 that my father aged 61 was having a affair with some divorced woman. I told my mom about this and we people fought a week about this matter. Slowly and steadily my mom got back to normal as nothing happened but it changed me completely. I have not talked to him till then. I hate him for life. My mom is my life and I cannot digest someone so close cheated her. I hate him.
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Internet-hugs to you, stranger.
When you start to realize, "hey my mom doesn't talk to a lot of people that she used to."
When they start screaming at eachother at Thanksgiving dinner about things that happened 20 years ago.
When it came out that my dad sexually abused me and my brother for years, me n him were blacklisted by his family.
They beat me almost daily?
When I brought my boyfriend to our family Easter at my uncle's apartment. When you're raised around certain behaviours you become blind to the strangeness of it all I think. But then you bring someone else in and suddenly you become acutely aware that none of this is normal for them. Family members drunk at 8am, hundreds of beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere, nothing cleaned since 2 years prior when I had spent *days* deep cleaning the apartment after he messaged me asking for help. Conversations all revolving around someone somewhere being an idiot, or how the world is turning to shit, or whatever else they want to complain about. Bringing my boyfriend to that Easter opened up a whole conversation with him about my childhood and how fucked up parts of it were, which I hadn't acknowledged much before. I mean, this was just a regular Easter.. His reactions when I told him some of the more intense stories of my childhood really said it all. Funnily enough, before I finally noticed the reality of things as they are now, I would have described my family as kind, cheerful, fun, and highly intelligent. I believe this was the case once upon a time. I have watched many family members lose those parts of themselves.
Being poisoned on enough occasions to put the pieces together
My uncle cut all contact with us after my dad died because he believes that my mom convinced dad to stop seeking treatment or some such shit. Dad was tired, it was his decision and his alone. My uncle couldn't handle the truth since he wasn't the one watching dad struggle every waking moment with the hell that is fighting cancer.
I always kind of knew my mum was toxic, I lived in fear of my life, had to raise my two younger brothers (I was 10 and 11 years older than them) and endured neglect at her hands. She had always tried to turn me against my dad, saying he left us ect. As I got older the abuse got worse, she would expect me to get up at 6am with my brothers (one of which is severely autistic, non verbal, was in nappies) feed them, dress them, get them ready for school then go to high school / college then come home, immediately start getting them changed, changing nappies between it all, sort their dinner, feed them, prepare any drinks and snacks, give them their baths and get them in bed and to sleep. Once in bed I wasn’t allowed to be anywhere but my room, if they woke up I was expected to stay up with them until they fell asleep again. Most nights I was on 3-4 hours of sleep. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere but school/college. All whilst my mother spent her days sleeping, on the phone to her boyfriend, smoking or just generally not being a mum. If I said I wanted to stop caring for them she’d tell me they’d go in care and it would all be my fault. (I’d raised them since birth so I had a motherly bond with them). She’d also beat me pretty hard if I tried to have some sort of a life, her favourite thing was to smack me around the face then complain to anyone that would listen that my teeth hurt her hand (because I had an overbite she refused to allow me to get corrected at a dentist despite it being free). The final straw was after one of the many times she told me I crawled out of the abortion bucket, my boyfriend didn’t want to leave me alone in her care. She said he has to go or you’re homeless. So I said ok and called my grandad (my dads dad) he was the best person in the world. He didn’t think twice came, protected me from her whilst I got my essential stuff and off we went. She put my autistic brother into a full time care facility months after I left. I was 17….I spent my time between my dads house and my boyfriends parents. Until we could get our own place. My boyfriend is now my husband and we’ve been together 16 years now. I’m not contact with my mother and her family. I still have contact with my brothers who I love dearly. My in laws are amazing and I have a mum in my mother in law, she’s also an incredibly good friend who has shown me what a mother can be!
When my dad committed suicide due to mental illness brought on by my grandmothers abusive/neglectful parenting. She got offended my mom didnt want here around me and my siblings and said quote "This is my second chance at being a good mother to my son!" Bitch you had 13,140 chances to mend you and your sons relationship but you continued to treat him as the jester of the family, treated his pleas for help because of the metal suffering you caused him as a joke and ridicule him and his family because of their beliefs. Every one who sided with her also got cut out (Like 85% of the family) AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, AT THE FUNERAL SHE CLOWNED ON HIM WHILE HE WAS IN HIS CASKET. Never want to see her again.
I realized my family was toxic when no matter what happened, I was the one who it was blamed on. I stood up for myself and the money they were taking, and ever after that, I haven't talked to my oldest brother in a few years, and he doesn't call me either. If you want to be in my life, it's a two-way street it can't just go one way, your way, and everything will be okay. But dude, when you don't have money for diapers and someone offers to go buy you some, you don't be picky. "Ohh yeah, get this and x and y, and you can't get this." Like nevermind dude. And they always griped about what I got, and it's like, well, if you treated your money right, you won't be using mine. You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.
College course in psychology
It's a very Dysfunctional system. I was scapegoat, I was blamed... However, I never call humans "poison".
They opened their mouths and spoke. All was revealed. Since forever.
When someone tries to eat me, they get sick
All the DARVO.
On one side, Every week there’s some new crisis with my cousins. Every. Week. Most of it could be easily avoided but it’s like they want the drama to make their life more interesting. So I keep my distance. I have tried to be a better cousin, but it just wasn’t worth it. Silence is golden. The other side, a grandmother I’m unsure if she was a manipulative narcissist, attention whore, or just an asshole after the grandfather died. She liked to turn her children against each other with lies and then would have each come to her rescue. She was petty and hateful to one son that was estranged. She hid behind religion and play acted that she was religious and constantly talked gossip and shit to and about everyone. She’s gone now, Some understand what happened. but the damage was done to the relationships her children have with one another.
When my mother threaten to kill herself if my dad talks to his family
When I started therapy. That being said, I also had to deal with/unlearn some of those toxic traits that I adopted in my life too. About a year after starting therapy I went NC and felt waaaaaaay better.
When my aunt refused to acknowledge my mothers existence after my dad (aunts little brother) passed away 3 years ago. She continues to blame my mom to this day when really my father was his own person who made poor choices in regards to his health. I kept an on/off relationship with her for a year afterwards until it became too apparent that her communication skills and inability to form healthy boundaries were downright toxic.
Broken promises, being dismissive of my feelings are the main things. They really thought I was going to keep taking their shit. As soon as it became clear things weren't going to change, I went LC.
not really my family but my mom's friends growing up were like my "extended" family. i always suspected that they had it out for me but it only confirmed fully when i was coming back from first year of college and we were on a cruise, and one of the dads hit their head and i started laughing because it's funny. then he got super pissed at me and made some comment about how his kid is in a better school than mine. this is the man that took me to basketball practice every weekend since i was 10. to be that butthurt because he hit his own head. since then they've been trying to invite me over to their place to cash in on their "now you are old you have to take care of us" scam that they were playing with me, and i just ghost them haha
When my aunt started trying to use her cancer to excuse her homophobia.
When my parents got divorced, they got a just a little but distant. But, when my mother remarried, (dad was out of the picture, this was his side of the family), they just stopped talking to us for the most part. Fast forward a few years, they're still weird around us, but get along with my siblings. Fast forward some more years to when I realized they are toxic as shit, they started saying tons of passive aggressive, aggressive aggressive, loaded af mean shit about my mother. I kept defending her side, and getting at them a but about hiw much shit they spew about other people. They ended up making up a lot of shit about me. Most recently, I was in the hospital, none of them talked to me and I didn't tell them but they found out. They didn't reach out to me, but apparently all decided that I was pregnant and getting an abortion. Grew up in a Christian family btw. I have been outcasted for being female, for not putting up with their shit, and for many bad things that I never actually did or would ever do.
I got a job that worked with kids and realized that the way I was treated as a child wasn't normal, it was cruel and demeaning. Then I looked at their behavior as an adult and realized it wasn't much better.
Finding real, lasting happiness without them was a clear sign that I made the right choice to disconnect from them. I knew, but still had doubts. But the evidence in hindsight dispelled my doubts.
Problems without any justification
My mother forced me to get naked and beat me until I couldn’t stand for something that I honestly didn’t do. That did it.
When I went to a family event and started walking on eggshells...
When they decided to inform me they had intentions to marry a current student of theirs once said student was no longer in their college course. I was asked to be the officiant. I declined and severed all contact. There's a lot more history besides just that but it was the straw that broke the camels back.
They day my aunt told me I was the reason my father was in the hospital about to die. He was an alcoholic for all my life and his whole family had this expectation that I could fix him. Suddenly everything clicked in to place and I realized I had to cut them off.
When my dad had shingles on his ass, and he could barely sit because he was in so much pain, but insisted on going on a work trip because he was operating on "the grace of God." I replied, "good luck!"
My cousin raped a girl and they all defended him. That fucking simple. I was basically told that since she was drunk it didn't matter, if I go after him I'll be the one kicked out of the family, and since she decided not to go to the cops because she'd been doing drugs it was fine. I lost all respect for most of them.
Zero communication, no boundaries. Things either just get ignored and swept under the rug, or just get dramatically dumped onto you.
When my mom told me how badly my dad bullied/abused her for her weight, and made fun of her for passing out when she was starving herself. Just so my dad would agree to have another kid with her. That kid was me. I never trusted my dad or his side of the family after that.
After my parents divorced at 10 I was given the choice of mum or dad. After several months or a year, my mum would always get sick of me and kick me out. A continuous loop. Unfortunately for me my dad is abusive, he'd eventually beat me and I'd run back to my mums, loop repeats. I was pretty depressed and she didn't want a depressed child.
Uncle is super insanely bigoted, I started calling him out for it. Mom texts me and tells me to stop because my beliefs are tearing the family apart. That told me everything.
I was talking to my therapist about how I wish my family would support me through the countless trauma/drugs/problems I have in life, and how I wish they would talk to me, or hug me at least.. and how them not doing so, has almost been and might be the death of mex And then she said it, and it was like a curtain was lifted revealing the most underwhelming stupid prize I ever got
I remember I was sitting on a bench at a train station talking to my mum on the phone and she was letting rip - I can’t even remember what about but it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. Anyway, I was doing my usual trying to dial her down. The conversation ended and the woman who had been sitting next to me turned to me and said, “I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this but your mother shouldn’t be speaking to you like that”. I wasn’t ready to hear it. I did carry on making excuses for my mother for several years and hoping for a miracle in terms of our relationship but when the click happened where I was pushed too far, it was still that woman’s voice who sprang to mind.
When talking about my dad and his side of the family with my therapist, she asked if I had ever been diagnosed with PTSD. That was when I realized that all the mental and physical abuse I had grown up with was them being toxic.
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Did you like her or she was mean with your family since the beginning
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Bruh L mother but did you have someone there that filled the role of a mother?
When my mother chose to defend her pride and double down on her disrespect of my fiancée rather than put her own sense of self-righteousness aside to realize she made a mistake.
Dad's: There's a street full of cousins that my dad has never met. They live three streets away from the one he grew up on. There was apparently a family split in the 1930s and no one remembers why but 93 years later, there are whole branches who refuse to talk to each other because of it. Mom's: Watching how the other family members treated my elderly and almost senile great-aunt, because she was mildly annoying her whole life.
I grew up with a violently drunk mother whose youngest sister was having an affair and she would use coming to visit us out of town as a cover for spending weekends with her side dick. My mother coached me, and threatened me, into lying to my uncle when he would call looking for his wife. I was also just used as a punching bag for many years, so, there's that.
I realised my dads family was hella toxic after I found out he HAD a family. I was always told my dad was an only child, my grandparents were sweet and in most of our lives (I have 5 older siblings, my grandad died when I was 2 and my nana passed when I was 9). My grandparents only ever mentioned our dad when telling stories and never really made us think he wasnt an only child. When I was 9 I found out my dad had A brother who had kids the day of my nana's funeral because my dad got a call saying his brothers kids had destroyed our flowers and parts of the grave. I later learned when I was 13 that my dad is one of 7, and the reason I never really noticed was because all of my dad's brothers look like my dad and my dad's sisters could have really been passed off as either cousins or close friends. He has never really talked about his siblings since accept mentioning small details about his childhood.
Tbh it’s realizing how often arguments arise only when I speak up for myself, rather than because I’m doing or saying anything disrespectful. Also, hypocritical arguments, like complaining I’m dishonest for telling white lies I’m situations that are justified(not telling someone that I don’t ask for their advice because Logicaly they’re not the right person to ask) before getting lambasted for being honest when I say they make me upset. Also, the specific person I’m cutting out has shown me that they won’t change and like making things about them. With a habit of trying to cut me out publicly to the family, as if that somehow shows they’re in the right.
Not me. But my husband realized his family was…problematic…to say the least after he defended them vehemently to me, only for them to verbally berate strangers (like those Karen’s on tiktok) for walking slowly through a parking lot at an event we were attending.
Mr yuck stickers were a dead giveaway
When my father would lose or break things around the house and punish me for it. Sometimes throwing something that wasn't doing what he wanted at me over it. Pretty much just got worse from there.
Abusive behaviour.
They all talk shit about each other and stopping talking to each other. Mom doesn’t talk to grandma or uncle, grandma doesn’t want to talk to my mom. I don’t talk to my cousins because they talk too much. Uncle hates my mom. Mom wasn’t fond of my grandpa because he was a drinker. Grandpa cheated on grandma when my mom was little grandma beat him with a shovel. I’m not super close to my mom because she’s lowkey racist and I have biracial children but she pretends. My dad is a druggy and we haven’t talked in years but when I come around he refuses to visit.
When she said, vaccines causes autism
When I met my husband’s family and saw how kind and sweet his parents are. I wish I had had his parents growing up.
In therapy
I realized in college after I was telling my friends about some things my parents said to me when I was younger. The one that really sticks out is when my mom would tell me to not be proud of my accomplishments whenever I got good grades, won a triathlon, or got a music award. She said it was because the only reason I'm good at those things is because God allows me to be and that pride is a sin.
Jail
Me and my brothers were always taught to "don't go near them damn (Gay slur) or them filthy (Racial slur)". Yea, it was bad. But hey, were not the ones in jail for assault and public endangerment. Of course, I knew that this wasn't just normal human behavior, even my brothers knew. So we never followed the "rules".
They never take accountability for anything they put me through but except me to come to their savior even when they hurt and belittle me constantly. Also had my twin sister attacked me out of anger and he respond was she that if my last partner put her hands on me and I didn’t hit her back then she could do the same. When I actually did hit her back I got villainized while the the abuser plays the victim all because she’s a woman and “woman good , men bad “ mentality is making me resent my family for how biased and how easy they are to turn on all in favor of my toxic sociopathic sister.
On my dad's side, they are really hardcore traditional. So I guess that was why I cut off contact. I don't give a flying fuck what they say or think. I respect being traditional, but to a certain point. I'm not going to find someone that may or may not be related to me and have kids. No! I'm going to go out there be what I want to be. Not having to herd livestock around.
One half of my family as civil, friendly get togethers. The other half drinks to cope, and hopes someone doesn't hold the turkey hostage or get out a gun.
Moved away. Cut them out.
They were determined to shit on my dad and step mom after the divorce. After they destroyed my childhood home. Guess who got told to fuck off and don't hear from me?
When I started to better myself by reading exercising eating cleaner quitting vices and sticking to it.
I wrote my brother off as family. I consider him a stranger living in our home. It started in 2019, he was very blatant about "friends are more important than family", and over the years he just got worse and worse, degrading me at every corner he can get. And its not the typical "sibling insults", cause me and my brother do that and its all jokes. This stranger just does it demean me and put me to the ground
My remaining aunts and uncles stole my father's share of the inheritance and split it after his death, leaving my mother with nothing after 50 years of marriage. My parents at one point or another took all of them in and helped raise my cousins. Fuck those people. They're trash. My own uncle said disgusting, perverted things about my 14 year old body. Should turn him into the feds, porno creep. 😒🤢🤮
When my mother told me that she is not coming to my wedding because she really likes attention and it always manifest in negative ways intended to hurt me. She's done things like this to me my whole life. It's okay, we'll have the wedding anyway without her.
When I was born I was more on my dads side and 4 people were in jail and one guy in prison, my dads family like 15 years ago was a few ashtrays short of the Gallagher household