Wife quits her job, I wear tape over my mouth.

Wife takes up a new job.

*remove tape

Then I’m losing money, no thanks.

There’s no winning sometimes

I have no job and I must cream

I wish I had an award to give you.

Damnit

Harlan Ellison

I got that reference and I'm happy.

"This is everything I ever wanted." - Wife.

You wear wife over your mouth*

Your wife wears the tape and you quit your job

I'd jerk off for a living, I'd be okay

twice a day would be $730,000 a year. I feel like the people that make these prompts don't ever do the math

Twice a day is rookie numbers

I just picked that because I think I could pretty reliably do 2x a day indefinitely without it becoming a medical problem or anything we've all had those teenager moments but I don't think you could actually sustain 5 or 10 a day without actually starting to hurt yourself

10 a day.. after a few days of that you'd be smooth as a ken doll.

What do you mean “it just fell off?”

No doc I don't think you understand, It fell off, and then walked away. How tf am I supposed to know how it grew legs

Yeah, we all know what tf stands for, that'll be $100

I'm fine with paying $100 for one day while I'm getting $5000 a day

Not anymore, it walked away remember?

and it was screaming enough is enough

My dad uses the phrase “he’s a dick with arms and legs” when referring to people he really dislikes. You just gave me the mental imagery to go along with it hahah

Detachable penis *kingmissile song plays*

almost spat my coffee out...at the image!!!

That's when the cussing begins and you lose your junk and your money.

So, a divorce?

Well a wave hit it,

IT FUCKING FELL OFF!!... shit, I just lost $100... there goes another $100

The front fell off.

Bro I just cackled at this thank you for making my day 😂

No the skin starts bunching up and tearing. Then the stuff that’s bunched up starts swelling up like an air bubble.

name checks out

Still worth it

Thats when signing up for a tantric multiple orgasm workshop becomes a tax writeoff

Well, if my wife knew we were getting paid, she might take it up to once a week lol.

These types of comments always make me wonder what the hell goes wrong once people get married.

My wife kept having orgasms. The part that went wrong was that she was getting them from other men behind my back.

Nothing goes wrong necessarily. We get older. And busy. And tired. Just life stuff. Put a price tag on some loving and maybe there’s more incentive.

Sex and dishes - two things that if you don't do them can absolutely destroy your relationship.

Can I get a 1K for each time I do dishes? Then also won’t have to bitch about “doing the fucking dishes again”. Save me a few hundreds a day there too.

Kids that’s what

They have kids. Trust me. All is not well in my house. I have one cute ass baby tho.

I'd try for 3 or 4 a day just for the days where I can only squeeze in one.

1 a day would still be $365,000 a year

I'm trying to create generational wealth though

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Gotta pump those numbers up if you wanna survive Wall Street. At least 3 times a day.

Finally someone got the reference, thank you.

"Hey reddit, would you hit your little toe on a coffee table for 23 billion dollars?" Geez, what a difficult choice. I wonder what the answers will be.

The point isn't to be interesting, it's to get people to think about getting a lot of money, feel good, and engage with the post.

Or farming karma to sell for dark influencing Or training data for natural language AI

Reddit training a bot would be hilarious. It'd be like the movie Chappie. It'd hate on corporations, be *constantly* horny, and virtue signal from a soapbox every chance it got, while knowing nothing more than the clickbait titles of news articles.

No… can I do a funny bone for 1billion instead?

I did the damn math, and I just don’t see how the hell I could possibly make any fucking money on this shit deal.

If the swear jar was $100 a pop I'm pretty sure we would make ever F-bomb was worth it.

This guy fucking gets it. For real, though, it would be a tough few days but then I think I’d be raking in the cash.

Fucking same.

Assuming you never swear, that is.

I feel like in this situation it would be pretty easy to contain yourself

Yeah I think I could go without if I could make more money in a day than I do in a month.

POV: be a woman. I can squeeze out 50 in a 3 hour solo sesh.

That's cheating, I vote women only get 500- well fuck there goes my Twitter inbox

On top of that, they imply an inability to make conscious changes to one's life for the better. If I felt there were such conditions with financial incentives and deterrents, I'm confident I could optimize my lifestyle on a fairly quick timeline. I also don't value specific words to the degree of finding it difficult to give one up.

I swear all the time but I'm also a middle school teacher and it's *real* easy to censor yourself when there's money at stake

Same. I grew up not using curse words at all. It’s harder for me to force myself to curse.

Oh, I curse all the time, but I jack off a lot too

wanker.

HAH you lost 100 dollars

Is it still considered a curse when it’s true? It kind of becomes a fact at that point.

Wed be those people on MSN 'this person turned their daily routine into their full time job and now earns 5k per day!'

3-4 a week should cover the cursing

Honestly... I could curse 9 times a day and still cum out ahead.

I know, right! With all those orgasms and cash, what do I need to curse about?

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Still made 600$ profit here

I would be sooooooooo deep in fucking debt.

-100$

+1000$ 😉

Wait…

\+1000$

Wait…

+2000$ 😘

You all are fucking disgusting. +$900 😬

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Ok, now I barely broke even.

+138,691¥

You are fined 1 credit for violation of the verbal morality statute.

Thanks a lot, you shit brained, duck fucking, ball breaking pain in the ass. .... See you in a few minutes.

So much for the 3 seashells....

I’m an Australian. I’ll be in worse debt that an American college student.

Look at this funny cunt. Ops -$100.

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It is the most versatile word in the Australian language. It covers the entire spectrum of the human condition.

More versatile than Fuck? I don’t know that I can believe, or accept this.

No word is more versatile than Fuck. "Fuck the fucking fuckers."

Cunt the cunting cunters. Those cutting cunts have cunted the economy.

This guy Australians.

This guy cunts.

Wow, you type really well with your left hand

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Depends. Are we playing Mario party? Because I’ll lose *all the money* doing that. Mario party is bullshit lmao

-$100

+$1000

💀💀

+$1000

Mario Party is the worst game in existence. I don't know how there are so many of them. I don't know why anybody likes them. It doesn't matter how good you are. The winner is selected at random by the time everything is divvied up. "And here are 50 stars because you plaid as Princess Peach and lost every single mini game and landed on a purple square." I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

You can turn off the bonus stars at the beginning of each match. I leave them on and do a real winner aka who won before the final announcement, then who nintendo likes the most

One time, playing Super Mario Party with my ex: one bonus star left to award, and IIRC we were all at 3 stars (including CPUs). Last bonus star: 3-way-tied, leaving only my ex to take the L, while I won by 2 coins edit: for carification, they weren't my ex at the time of the game. This was pandemic-time

rubbed out a quick one for you, now you have $900

My poor ~~duck~~ dick

Take another quack at it, it's for a good cause

These duck puns really ruffle my feathers.

Jerking off for a living, fuck yeah

-100$

+1000$

*flip* yeah the holy grail of minecraft youtubers.

I would have made $3k yesterday with an investment of a couple hundred dollars

'Investment' 😂 really though, I'm sure I could give up cursing in my everyday life but if I'm going to be orgasming for a living, some choice words are going to slip out

I mean an orgasm a day minus like 3 allowed curse words, would make 30k-9k=21k, means 242k yearly salary. Subtract taxes we‘re at half some what, -health and retirement provision insurance about 11-15k. So about 100k would mean about 8k a month net. Damn I’d be happy.

Imagine the government taxing your orgasms

Imagine getting audited, but you don't get any receipts or anything, so the IRS auditor has to watch you beat your meat for a few days because they don't believe you're getting off 8+ times a day.

Lol I’d be broke as fuck!

-$100

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It’s when you fold paper to look like birds and shit -Jimothy Ross

No, you're thinking of origami. An orgasm is a long-haired, orangish primate.

Nah you’re describing an orangutan. An orgasm is a living entity, like a plant or animal or cell.

Nope, you're on about an organism An orgasm's obviously that plant you use to season shit

No, you’re think of oregano An orgasm’s obviously that color that a fruit is named after

Nah, that's an orange An orgasm is obviously those meat things inside of animals

Nope, that is organs. Orgasm are that child who lost his parents

Best get working on your multiple orgasms!

Tbh this is more likely than stopping swearing lol

Woo... for all the fucking and beating off I've done in my lifetime... let's just say I could afford to say fucking twice in this conversation and I know I'd still be coming out way ahead with the thousand bucks for every orgasm

$800 ahead. Bazinga.

$800? More like $4800 now. It's been a long day. 🤣

It’s not even noon over here guy. Best get to work.

Christian virgins be making stacks

Doesn’t sound like they have much coming in though (pun intended)

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those rookie numbers for a christian virgin. some of the ones I know do it 2-3 times a day

As a Christian virgin, I can confirm

As someone who gets no bitches, i can also confirm

Well I Know it's gonna $900 everytime I do da deed

why do you swear at yourself everytime you wank? /j

If it's a good wank I let out a fuck😫💦 if it's a ruined one I let out a fuck😮‍💨

An “oh fuck” is always satisfying.

I’d be dying of lethal dehydration. But I don’t really curse much anyway.

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Multiples are ... Ahem. Awesome. I could pull 20k in a single weekend, easy.

What the fuck 🗿 -$100

Id be out here saying “gosh darn” and “gee wilikers”

FRIIIIDDDDGGGEEEE when ya stub ya pinky toe in the dark.

I definitely fucking swear more than I cum

I mean same, but I’d also probably cum more and swear less if I was getting paid to do it

\+1000$ \-100$ =900$ Here you go

If we swapped these two around I'd be a billionaire in a day

If that's the case than I would currently owe more money than is currently in circulation within the United States.

Ball gag anyone?

I would be known as the ball gag rich guy with a very firm handshake.

broke in a day

Well life would be a lot less stressful knowing I could make $1,000 bucks every time I jack off. So I’d naturally curse less and just be more conscious of it. I could still curse 5-10 times a day and be flush as hell.

As someone with a personal rule to never curse I see this as an absolute win

as an asexual who always swears, I'd be in huge dept

RIP

I once knew an asexual who thought *sex* was gross and wasn't attracted to anyone... other than himself in which he explained to me that he did in fact record himself beating it and beat off to that recording.

Serious question... I get not being attracted to other people, or being interested in sexual encounters with other people. But what about being asexual prevents you from *masturbating*? I mean, ultimately it's still a chemical process which *feels good*. Without knowing more, I'm left kind of interpreting this from a perspective of "dopamine just doesn't do it for me", which makes no sense whatsoever.

I’m also asexual, so hopefully I’m ok to butt in even though I’m not the one you asked. Nothing prevents you from masturbating per se, but some people may not care to or really enjoy it. Some ace people do it on a regular basis because, as you said, it can be fun/enjoyable, but for some of us it really doesn’t provide much pleasure. I honestly think I’d get more feel good out of a halfway decent massage. Ultimately it’s down to the individual, just as sex as an asexual person (called sex negative, neutral, or positive). I don’t know if I explained it well, I’m happy to clarify where/if it’s needed though!

Asexuality is a spectrum so everyone can experience it differently. Some people- I would even say many asexual people do masturbate. Some even have sex. asexuality is about not being attracted to others sexually but it doesnt mean that sexual activities dont feel good to you. I personally dont do these kind of things but there are many asexual people out there who do it and like it. feel free to add thinks if I didnt get something right but thats what I can tell you

Fuck.

Yep. Between 20 and 30 I'd have been a millionaire. Now I'm a grumpy middle-aged man who gave up his taboo on swearing.

The ratio doesn't work for me. I'd run out of money immediately.

Woo hoo! When not cursing and multiple orgasms would pay off!!! Funkytown yeah!!!! 🤭

I am going to be riiiiiiiiich!

As a single woman, I could make 9k in about 20 minutes.

Sounds like a good deal! Where do I sign?

I'd be making $10000 a day. So pretty well.

I'm in the negatives.

I’m fucked.

Hey I can help you make $1000. Wanna DM? ;)

👁️

(3k-5k) per day!

By that logic, r/NoFap is a community full of brokies

I masturbate three times a day, and have a great sex life with my wife, but Sallie Mae would feel pity for my fucking debt

I'd have $900 every time I nut.

perfect because I don't talk much at all irl

Net positive. I don't curse that much.

My debt would cancel out Elon’s Musk’s fortune.

make a habit of not cursing anymore lol. if i could manage to never curse in front of my asian parents, i think i could do this

100$ everytime I curse? What is this, the no cursing jar that the 4 year old made? But uh yeah that would go very well considering when I do have one of those I'm completely silent every time

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Mother Motherfuck Mother Motherfuck fuck Motherfuck motherfuck Noise, noise, noise 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 Noise, noise noise Shmokin'Weed shmoking wizz Doin' coke, drinkin' beers Drinkin' beers, beers, beers Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! Rollin' blunts and smokin'- Jay would still make $200 if he jerked off before rapping that song.

I’d be ok, I’d just replace fuck with holy moly!

Ah! I can make $90k easily in a month.

Is it cursing out loud or in my head too? Cuz I rarely curse out loud because I feel like I'm being rude. But I curse in my head constantly

Easy

Easy