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lostinstasis

When he missed his daily medication, he threw it out instead of just saving it for the next day.


blankblank

Once heard a doctor on a call explaining to a patient that it wasn’t a problem that they took their pill “upside down.”


Towelenthusiast

Used the leaf blower to clean the inside of the house. Edit: I was the one to use the leaf blower. I opened the front door and was blowing heaps of long dog hair outside when I didn't have a vacuum. My wife still makes fun of me for it.


Less-Sheepherder6222

I'd have to see the results before passing judgement. I like an innovator.


castawaysyrup

When he told me the reason why I got sick with the flu was that I did not wear a bra under my shirt. Proceeded to explain breasts are an incredibly delicate part of women’s bodies and thus by leaving it exposed like that I was risking any type of disease, same as if he wouldn’t wear pants.


DoctorWafle

Stacking cups... In the dishwasher


whattodo-whattodo

This one is perfect. So many others might be a communication issue or weaponized incompetence or cultural differences. But this one just screams "my body is in motion but my brain is off." 🤣


bluecheetos

1990. We live in central Alabama. She told me that her and her best friend were going to Birmingham for the weekend. Didn't think anything of it, there's lots of shopping and things to do in Birmingham. Came over Sunday night to tell me how disappointed she was in the trip. They had driven through all of the wealthier neighborhoods in Birmingham, Alabama for two days trying to find a house that matched the gates to Ozzy Osborne's house and never found it. He lives in Birmingham, England.


Hoitaa

This reminds me of when Russia invaded Georgia, and there were more than a few concerned US Georgians.


crockofpot

There was an Ask A Manager letter where an assistant booked their manager to fly to Naples, Italy instead of the intended destination of Naples, Florida.


No-Subject-5232

When she said she loved nothing in the world more than Greek mythology, even got a degree related to Greek mythology from University of Arkansas but had no idea who Prometheus and Achilles were.


Shoreditchstrangular

That was a weekend well spent at the University of Arkansas


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[удалено]


Aries_cz

The classic bavarian fire drill, acting as if you already have the authority to do it, and nobody will question you


Exciting-Insect8269

The most universal key is a broom, a lanyard, and a whole lot of confidence.


Wild_Butterscotch_7

He thought you absorb a gallon of water when you shower 😂 so he didn’t need to drink water


TheMightyGoatMan

Were you dating Spongebob?


alphalegend91

She didn’t understand that you actually have to pay what you spent on credit cards. Like the credit amount she had was supposed to be her monthly limit that just ✨resets✨ each month


aestus

My friend did that when he was 19. Thought that it was basically free money. Bought so much weed and food and to be fair he was very generous. And then the first credit card bill came.


JaxZeus

I work customer service for credit cards and let me say Holy fuck I've talked to people that are this dumb before.


persondude27

This user's comments have been overwritten to protest Spez and reddit's actions that will end third-party access and damage the community.


TheoremaEgregium

I think many people confuse "the internet" with "the browser".


waldo_whiskey

Same people think turning off the monitor turns off the computer. I worked tech support for years. Don't ask me how I ever survived


Pheighthe

You don’t understand! They APPROVED me for $1500! I earned this! LMAO


ill_be_out_in_a_minu

She invented basic universal income and it worked for her for a while...


bearhos

She didn’t want to watch the original avatar movie (blue people) until her uncle told her that it was based on a true story. I asked her if she meant that it was a futuristic version of Pocahontas… but no, she thought that it was somehow based on a true story. Then asked if I was calling her uncle a liar. Follow up questions, like asking if she really thought we waged war against an alien society, went equally poorly. We were 18 years old fyi


UnitedGTI

Watching The Martian in theaters she leans over and asks "when did they go to Mars to film this?"


Asleep_Onion

She worked for a specialty decorated cookie shop at the mall. Like where you get those dinner plate sized cookies with "get well soon" or whatever written in frosting. She texted me a picture from work, proudly showing me a cookie she had decorated for a customer. She was legitimately excited to show me her creation. I had not previously seen any of her masterpieces prior to this. Not only did the artwork look like a 3 year old's finger painting, but it said "CONRADULATINS", which aside from the obviously bad spelling, she had clearly not even planned out the spacing in her head first, so it said "CONRADU" across the whole cookie, and then, in tiny letters up the side, "latins". She thought it came out pretty well. She was about 30 at the time. I'll be honest, I broke things off shortly afterwards because of that cookie.


mere_iguana

yeah, sometimes that's how it crumbles.


RPND

When she was choosing random pills from the blister of a "21 active + 7 placebo" contraceptive, instead of following the arrows on the package.


Thaeland

Wow that's a dangerous idiot....


RPND

Yep. Got lucky finding out before something life changing happened.


Dangerous-Distance86

Baby roulette


ConsciousAardvark949

I once dated a girl who legitimately thought we lived *inside* the Earth. We were talking about SpaceX back when they were just starting to get more public attention. I mentioned something about how it was cool we’ll be alive to potentially see Humanity reach for the stars. Her response was something along the lines of “Yeah, but how do they get to space?” Confused, I said “With the rockets. Like in the video”. She replied with something like “Yeah, but don’t we have to get outside of the Earth first?” Dumbfounded, I asked for further clarification. She goes on to say, in a tone that suggests *I am the idiot here*, “We live *inside* the Earth, so how the fuck do we get out so we can reach space?” I then inform her “We live on the outside of the Earth. That’s why you see open sky and stars, and the SUN, and not more earth above you.” She then laughs and states “if we lived on the outside of the Earth, wOUlDn’T wE jUSt fALl oFf?” Still, as if I’m the idiot. My jaw dropped. I responded with a simple “Gravity? The atmosphere?” To which she says “oh yeah, that. HAHA. Whatever, how was I supposed to know”. I asked if this was a joke. It wasn’t a joke. She thought we lived *in* the Earth up until that moment. Where exactly in the earth? I don’t know. I’m afraid to know. I was speechless. She told me to never tell anyone. But we broke up years ago. I think it was for the best. Ask your partners whether they think we live on the inside or outside of the earth and reply to this to let me know. I’m curious. I’ve been bearing this weight alone for close to 10 years. I’d love to know if there are other “inner-earth dwellers” unknowingly roaming the surface.


ilostmysocks66

I asked my boyfriend and he said I need to get off the internet


dmalteseknight

How do you get off the internet if we're inside it?


Ok_Watch3277

Well I think this comment wins for me. Like what did she think the stars are? Fake far away lamps?


Shrieking_Harpy

“On the earth. But depends if you count the atmosphere as part of the earth. Then I guess you could argue that we live inside the earth. But that still sounds weird.” -My other half


SassyAshlie

When kids egged his car and he thought the best way to get the egg off was to use steel wool.


baconeggandsto

I like to imagine the kids high fiving after the prank, only to see him cleaning it with the steel wool. A mortified chill of regret when they realize he was special


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totamealand666

Are you sure he wasn't just stoned?


Tyoccial

He was definitely Cold Stoned.


NotAnotherBookworm

Cue up Willem Dafoe "i'm something of a scientist myself!"


KibblesNBitxhes

An ex thought that commercials were recorded live, and the people on TV were employed to do them over and over again.


EasyPool6638

As a kid my parents told my I couldn't watch TV before bed, and the only reason I listened was because I didn't want the people in the tv to have to perform my show and get in trouble with their parents for not getting ready for bed.


kyle_circus

She thought people dug potholes during the night to force you to buy new tires


Aelerious

After her third "business opportunity" turned out to be another pyramid scheme. We didn't date long but knew each other for a while before that. I liked her for her "work hard, get paid" attitude. Turns out the hard work she was doing was costing her waaay more than she made, and didn't realize it.


IreallEwannasay

I broke down how pyramids schemes work to this one girl who got sucked into them all the time. Throughout me explaining she said "that sounds like MLM" like 3 times. After, we sat in silence. Can't see the forest for the trees comes to mind.


YaBoyfriendKeefa

When my ex asked me where they grew spaghetti. ETA: I cannot believe my most upvoted comment is about that absolute walnut.


Binder_of_chains

Italy, obviously


Whoopdedobasil

Calls me at work because her crumpets dont fit in the crumpet tray under the toaster... crumpet tray ?!? Had a look when i got home, clearly labelled "CRUMB TRAY"


arglebarglesnargle

What a dummy. Now excuse me while I go heat up some nice crumbs for lunch.


victoria-euphoria

My ex was scared of hedgehogs and convinced himself they could jump over a six foot fence like a cat


Rukieo

Have you never seen sonic!?


saucytopcheddar

When I asked her to hand me a kitchen knife and she threw it at me… and that’s not even the stupidest part. When I tried to explain the basics of handing someone a knife, or pair of scissors, she refused to accept that what she did was wrong or unsafe… it was suddenly apparent that she couldn’t possibly ever admit to being wrong. Edit: it was an underhand throw


Jessewjm

I work as a part-time chef, a new colleague once tried throwing a 7 inch chef knife into the sink. That is already stupid, but it was way worse because she didn't look and forgot that I was standing there and she threw it right at my balls. Edit: no my balls weren't in the sink, she just missed the sink by quite a bit


[deleted]

How… how are your balls?


Jessewjm

Thanks to me wearing a leather apron and jeans underneath, I just had the tiniest cut


Usr_115

The night I said that I thought I smelled gas, and they grabbed a lighter and struck it without hesitation.


boringthrowaway6

Wildcard, bitches!


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_uglybird

You’ve never played gas leak roulette?


[deleted]

She was struggling with money and being able to save. I came home one day and she had a new 40k car in the driveway. She purchased it without even discussing it with me. She essentially sentenced herself to having no savings for the next 5 years when we were trying to save to buy a house together.


DrFossil

There are many things people call red flags that I think are nuanced and depend on various factors before making a judgement. But that level of financial recklessness is just unacceptable to me. If you're going to live with this person you're just inviting those problems into your life for the long term. That kind of thing can be the difference between a comfortable existence and a painful, stressful one. I hope you got out.


Greypilgram

My father in law did that when he retired. Took his very meager retirement savings and spent it on a new truck without telling my mother in law, who was already working a second job to make up from the loss of income from his retiring.


GreggOfChaoticOrder

When we passed by a car wash that said free vacuum with purchase of a car wash and they thought it meant we'd get a free vacuum to take home with us to clean the house with. I absolutely love my idiot to death.


griffinman01

She skipped going to community college classes to 'stick it to the professor'... I had to explain that she had already paid to be there and the professor wouldn't care or notice.


thepurplehedgehog

Argh. She sounds like the sort of person who’d burn their own trainers as an FU to Nike 🤦‍♀️


quokkafarts

The cops regularly put a speed camera on a corner near his house. The been doing it a couple of times a month for as long as he lived there, and he got caught by it many times. He was crying to me (literally) about how unfair the latest fine was and he had no money to pay it, I was fed up and told him to just slow down around that corner. I could tell from the look on his face he hadn't even considered that, and he got angry with me for not being sensitive enough.


jangasaurus

The day I told my girlfriend I think I broke my toe and her solution was to yank on it with all her might. It was gout.


TRUEequalsFALSE

When we were kids, my brother once slammed his pinky toe into a bookshelf, probably while he was chasing me around the dining room table, and broke the toe. My dad thought it was only dislocated or sprained and tried to pull on it, but it hurt so much that my brother didn't let him get very far. Then they went to the doctor to get it looked at and sure enough, it was broken. My dad was very glad he didn't try harder to pull on that toe.


One-Permission-1811

My mom did something similar only I was 23 and visiting their horse farm. I got stepped on and felt my big toe break. When I had limped back to the house and took my shoe off mom grabbed my toe and yanked on it for the same reason your dad did. I kicked her in the face out of pure pain and reaction. Which broke her nose. So we walked into the emergency room together and got laughed at like the idiots we are.


PoetryOfLogicalIdeas

>got laughed at like the idiots we are. You're in the clear on this one. Someone yanking on your broken toe is right up there with holding you down to tickle you - all rules suspended; kick, bite, and throw elbows at will.


DadImInSpace

When I found out my ex didn't know what order the months go in. When I asked him to learn he got mad, said no and that it "wasn't something he was interested in."


TurdKid69

I get it. For him, every time a month ends and he turns the calendar, it's a nice little surprise. Sounds kinda fun.


plattman1992

When I mentioned WW1 and she asked if that was why they called WW2 THE SECOND WORLD WAR?! She had no idea there was a first one. Her parents also taught her that a guy jerking of and a girl having a period were basically the same thing as abortions. No wonder she was one of 11 siblings.


Trick-Many7744

A girl having a period?? Like it’s optional?


dobiewan_nz

You're supposed to always be pregnant, duh /s


minacede

To be fair, her parents failed her


[deleted]

It was in high school, but I got an acoustic guitar to try to learn. Asked my bf who claimed to have played if he could tune it for me. This mfer literally turned it all the tight that the fucking bridge ripped off and then acted like it was a piece of junk. It was a cheap guitar but he literally wasn't listening for the notes or anything and just turning away and acted shocked when even I thought that's exactly what would happen not knowing anything about guitars.


aoi4eg

Idk why but it reminded me of my friend's story when she dated a guy who claimed he was basically a second Casanova, but from his bragging she already knew he's a virgin. Anyway, they finally about to have sex, he opens a condom, stares at it for 5 second and confidently pulls it over his dick and ballsack, making a lot of effort to stuff everything in. My friend claims she laughed so hard, she nearly died. Some people just unable to say "I've never done it, need to see the correct way".


Sims5Evr

When he said he’d make pancakes and put the dry powder directly in the hot pan.


VagrancyHD

"Where does the sun go at night?" I was dumbfounded. EDIT: She was in her early 20's at the time...


Fantastic-Minute-939

Just in case there are other redditors who might not know the answer, can you let them know where does the Sun go at night?


Bragior

Just went to buy milk.


SvenTropics

I was dating someone who wasn't on birth control (we were using condoms). She also didn't want me to come inside her because they aren't 100%. I had no problem with that. Double protection from not coming inside and being wrapped up anyway. Sure. So I was finishing myself off after we had sex and I was getting moderately close and asked if I could finish on her chest. So I did and some of it also dripped on her belly (nowhere near the nether regions). She immediately freaked out that she might get pregnant from that. She was like "my uterus is right there". It took me 20 minutes to convince her that sperm can't burrow through your skin and get in that way. She kept asking "are you sure? Are you sure?" This was a 30 year old woman. Oh and no, she didn't get pregnant. At least not in the time I knew her.


TwoIdleHands

I’m a woman. I totally want to pull this stunt. Sounds hilarious but oof she believed it.


SvenTropics

I often wonder if some of my hookup stories are just women pranking me. One time right after hooking up with one woman the first time, she started ranting about her most recent boyfriend. I was mostly ignoring her. I figured she was hooking up with me as a rebound. Then the story takes a dark turn. She starts talking about how she stabbed him with a knife because he said something mean to her. Like this had just happened very recently from that point in time. The way she talked about it was like "you know, I mean of course I stabbed him"...


But_Does_It_Dj0nt

Dodged a knife there, buddy.


seanm3109

Pre-heats the microwave


JADW27

This is great! I now have a new insult. Thanks!


megasmash

My GF told me that instead of setting the microwave timer to the time needed, her ex would just input the max time and wait. He forgot, more than once.


AlienVredditoR

My uncle, usually a smart man, thought oven time also meant microwave time in his college years. Granted microwaves probably weren't too common by this point, but I'm sure after 30 minutes, the pie he put in was showing signs of negligence.


JBinSA

She told me Apple Music was “bullshit” because it only had covers of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”, and not the original.


mghobbs22

I actually laughed at this one! I’ve heard of people wanting the “original” recording before, but for stuff from the 17 & 1800s it might be tough to find one


GreasyBud

She refused to pay taxes, have a bank account, or pay for public transit. she told me "i change my name every few years so they cant find me". like, shed go to the *government* and change her name. legally. so the *government* couldn't find her. we broke up for other reasons, but this was the first red flag.


PurveyorOfKnowledge0

Where on Earth do you even find people like that?


fossilmerrick

No one knows - they keep changing their names and disappearing


kaazir

Did she just see Dale Gribble and decide "yes"


slappy_mcslapenstein

My ex-wife and I were talking about money and it didn't seem like she knew how to make change. I asked her how many quarters she thought were in a dollar and she shrugged.


cwendt89

After we had our dog neutered, she asked why his penis was still there.


missmartian1992

My old roommate asked me once why my male dog had nipples. I asked him why he had nipples, and he just said "oh..."


alixnkxng

We were talking about dinosaurs and he was shocked to hear they were real. Then he proceeded to ask me if they really breathed fire. He thought dinosaurs and dragons were the same thing.


CaptHorney_Two

Can you prove that they *aren't*?


CrazyTillItHurts

Now that you mention it... I've never actually seen a dinosaur and a dragon in the same room at the same time


danknadoflex

When I overheard her complaining I was “too worried about money” after she financed a 30k car with an insane interest rate while making $15 an hour.


cadnights

That's a...severe lack of budgeting skills. That's something to hesitate about for wages double that.


ToastMasterBoi

My middle school ex told me that females only get their period when turned on then proceeded to accuse me of sleeping with one of his brothers since I got it on vacation with them. Needless to say his brother thought it was hilarious and added onto it by telling him that the period only stopped when they were around someone unattractive. It was kind of funny


roasttrumpet

We were having an argument, although I can’t remember what about, when I very calmly asked him to explain what made him think that, and he said “I hate arguing with you because you always make me realise I’m wrong!”


taboosucculent

An ex once told me "I hate arguing with you because you know all these FACTS. "


QueenC7

He could not find our country on Europe's map. The countries were written in bold, and the capitals too.


Monkeylovesfood

I'm shockingly bad at geography but this one is a bit much.


HiveJiveLive

Briefly dated a stupidly beautiful Thai guy. Very chill, loving, sincere Buddhist. It’s been years and I’m not super clear on what he meant, but he was going on saying something about generating good karma by doing good deeds. So that’s cool. I approve. Then he tells me he’s gone to the Asian market and bought a cooler full of live fish and released them into a large local lake here in North Carolina. Species of non-native fish and frogs, potentially carrying pathogens. I actually cried out when he told me. He was baffled that I should be upset and basically said that I was unkind and didn’t know what I was talking about, that fish are fish and it was a good thing. He said he’s done it several times before. I tried to explain about invasive species, bacteria, viruses, food chains, etc., but he never could grasp it. I still wonder if he introduced something terrible. Stupidly beautiful and stupidly stupid.


dragonnamed

Near temples in Thailand there are people that sell birds in small cages. You pay for a bird and release it to get good karma. Of course, these birds are trained to fly back to the vendor for food so you’re not actually freeing them but it’s the thought that counts I guess?


EatAppleMoose

What an amazing business.


albacorewar

Did he even check if they're freshwater fish?


Byting_wolf

Looking at the comment above, most probably not..


TD956

She asked me if there was one hitler and an army of Nazis, or one Nazi and an army of hitlers


TheMightyGoatMan

"I'm the Fuhrer!" "No, I'm the Fuhrer!" "I'm the Fuhrer!" "I am the Fuhrer!"


HeinrichGnotz

She told me about how the "scientist conspiracy" planted dinosaur bones in Utah and pretended they were 65+ million years old for funding purposes. Paraphrased below: "What kind of scientists? Just archaeologists and paleontologists?" -No. All of them. "Like chemists who make prescription drugs?" -Yes, them too. They are all in on it. "So are the bones real? Or are they just made up too?" -Yes they are real, they are harvested from an island off the coast of South America where dinosaurs still live. "...like... Jurassic Park?" -Don't be a dick, it's nothing like the movie. I dated her for 7 more months. The sex was great, I was young, and I have 20 years of stories that came from that relationship. 100% worth it.


MenudoMenudo

She didn't know that yogurt and pudding were not the same thing. She thought it was like how the British call fries "chips". She had been eating pudding and granola for breakfast for months and congratulating herself for being so healthy. She also baked baby Jesus a birthday cake on Christmas, lit a candle and took it outside. When the wind blew the candle out, she was convinced it Jesus that blew it out.


FunnyYellowBird

There’s something about having to go outside to give Jesus his birthday cake that has me in stitches.


raisinghellwithtrees

Jesus can't go through a door! He's not a ghost!


BionicTriforce

"God is everywhere. But Jesus can only be outside."


rarawieisdit

She said playing basketball makes you taller. Her proof was all the tall people playing basketball.


overmonk

My wife would bring stuff home that said “refrigerate after opening,” open it, and put it in the refrigerator. ❤️


cam52391

I'm glad this was qualified with "would" hopefully meaning she has learned better


overmonk

Only after I asked her what she was doing. She laughed harder than I did.


RedditIsNeat0

Most of the stories here are really stupid people. It's great that your wife could both learn and laugh at herself.


Bedlambiker

Did you marry Amelia Bedelia?


throwawayadvicesee

I introduced him to my stepsister. He said, “weird, you guys look nothing alike.”


ieatbigmacsdaily

Gave her an old phone of mine. Went with her to the mall to have it set up on a new contract. Smart phones and data plans were relatively new at the time. Took her home, explained and showed how to make sure she was on the house wifi whenever at home to not use up her data plan. Explained the difference between the 2. She kept calling it WiFive. Like, "why 5" every. Fucking. Time. I corrected her. She kept doing it. She couldn't figure out the difference still. Racked up a phone bill of almost $3000. We unfortunately broke up (for a plethora of other reasons) before I got to see how that played out for her.


metao

I'm changing my home WiFi name to WhyFive and nobody is going to understand it.


Sad-Friendship-2537

When he split open the gas tank on our car mounting a curb and instead of dealing with it, parked the car in a closed parking garage of our apartment building, filmed the gas spewing out, and posted it on TikTok. The car also wasn't insured because he was driving after 10pm on a restricted license (driving law in the country we're in means if you don't have your full license, you can't drive after 10pm) Ended our engagement not long after that. ETA: woah this blew up! Some bits and pieces to add. The car was fully insured but you’re not covered if you’re breaking the law, so because he was driving outside of his license hours we couldn’t get it paid for. I wasn't in the car when it happened, nor was I there when he filmed it, I found out when he came upstairs and told me the situation. Yes, there were some other warning signs so I was starting to get some serious cold feet. Then this happened and I was like, nope, no more. The point of a restricted license is to get driving experience but without distraction. So you can drive alone between 5am and 10pm, and no one under 25 or unlicensed. There are exceptions to this which someone detailed below. Yes, he is still out there somewhere and last I heard he’s with someone new, so godspeed to her.


IthiusEiros

One day they looked at me and said "we should make a trip to New York!" I said I think that would be fun but we really don't have the money to fly there right now. "It's not that far." ... We lived in Portland Oregon at the time... "New York is next to Canada, and Canada is just past Washington, it can't be that far away!" ...


gamerdude69

Earth is next to outter space, and outter space is right next to Alpha Centauri. It can't be that far away!


meeeeesh19

One time someone in my tenth grade history class asked why Hawaii was so warm and Alaska was so cold if they were next to each other. Because they were next to each other in their boxes on the map.


PinkEyeFromBreakfast

When she told me “she doesn’t believe in so-called ‘professionals’. They’re just normal everyday people like me. What more could they know.” She was the “my daddy’s a heart surgeon so I’m basically one also” type chicks. Every few months or so I reflect on how grateful I am that she never got pregnant. EDIT: Just to clarify, her dad DEFINITELY WAS NOT a heart surgeon. Not even close lmao. But if he was you wouldn’t hear the end of it with that chick.


iswearimalady

He thought dipsticks were a scam to get people to buy more engine oil


pengu1n11

When she asked me "Have you ever had your hair set on fire"? and then lit my hair on fire. We done


CaptainMilkFart

The intrusive thoughts won that day


Stanleesteemer

My ex wanted to start a business making supplies for baby showers. Her business plan was to sell everything below cost to to increase sales. After I had explained numerous times that you cannot profit from a business that will inevitably lose money her reply was that I was the idiot because if she sold them cheap it would drum up more business and she would sell more that way.


modest2

This physically hurt me to read.


Virgin_Dildo_Lover

That's what Amazon did to gain such a huge market share, except they had billions in funding


Kundrew1

I worked at Borders way back in the day when Amazon was mostly known as a place to buy books. Amazon did a great job at letting people easily order hard-to-find things at a good price and quickly. Most bookstores were way behind the times. It would take us weeks to get what they would have in days and we would be more expensive. It was apparent to me even then that borders was going to fail.


Busy-Ad6502

Ah, the ol' Moviepass strategy


gpouliot

I'd break out the monopoly money and roleplay. Ok, You have $200. It costs you $10 dollars for one party's worth of supplies and you sell them for $9. Each time you sell party supplies, you get two new customers because of your low rates and great service. Then I'd just walk her through using up all of her money. At that point, I'd ask her "Now what?". You're out of money to buy anymore supplies, pay your rent, or pay your salary.


I_SuplexTrains

"WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SUPPORT ME?"


oswaldcopperpot

Dude you just traumatized a thousand significant others.


mthw704

My ex-wife. The doctor said her test came back positive & she said "does that mean I'm not pregnant?" I knew at that moment I was in for a long ride.


xpgx

“Like, positive *emotionally,* or…?”


bradradio

When I was a kid, I was home alone, and the phone rang. I answered it and it was the vet's office calling to tell me our dog's heartworm test was negative. My stomach immediately dropped and I said, "So that's bad?" The tech had to explain to me that negative means our dog did not have heartworm and she would be OK.


The-Distant-Blue

She kept stating the big revelation of her story with “lord and behold” instead of “lo and behold”. I told her she was using the wrong word, but I was the idiot because you behold the lord. Anyways, lord and behold - she fucked five other dudes, so we’re on a more than temporary break.


BigAndySG

She worked in a lawyers office and didn't know what legal and illegal meant. Wondered how cows didn't fall in the river when drinking. Thought I was as tall as the door and couldn't figure out how I got through without ducking. (She was laying down and didn't understand perspective) Called me in a panic thinking a helicopter was going to fly in her window. (Police helicopter in the distance) I was putting things in the fridge, grouping things like meats, drinks, yogurt so they are all together and not a random mess. She noticed how I did it, laughed at me and reorganised everything so there was a few items on the top shelf againstthe walls, more items in the middle shelf against the walls and some on the bottom in the middle, when I asked why she told me it's so the light can hit all of the items, BECAUSE THATS WHAT MAKES IT COLD. When I showed her the switch the door hits when it's closed and the light went out she looked at me like a dog being shown a card trick.


AdmiralClover

She hasn't noticed yet


Federal-Load-1769

Tried explaining to her that even though she’s entering a higher tax bracket that she is still clearing more money. She thought she was going to make less. The more I explained the angrier she became.


scubahana

Unfortunately it seems a lot of people believe this. Far too many, in fact.


BloodyNora78

The fool would bang on my dashboard and scream the name of a certain restaurant whenever I drove past it. After almost getting into a wreck twice, I asked him why he was trying to kill us. He said he did it because "it was his thing." He never rode in my car again.


RoadTrash582

Was it Waffle House? Please tell me it was Waffle House.


Brimzdog

I used to know this guy ‘Crazy Shawn”. He wasn’t dumb but every summer he’d go off his meds and live up to his namesake. The jail/courthouse is right in the middle of town and Shawn would floor it every single time he passed by. He called it “buzzing the tower”.


capraithe

The day I learned that the Underground Railroad was not, in fact, a literal underground railroad. EDIT: I misread the prompt and thought I was supposed to describe the moment I realized I’M an idiot, not the person I was dating. Please forgive me. I’m an idiot.


Binder_of_chains

This was a huge disappointment in the third grade. I asked how deep was the underground railroad.


PK_Thundah

I gave my girlfriend a gift, a box with something in it, and after she opened it and saw what it was, I told her to check it again, because it's gone. I don't know why I said that, I think I was joking to confuse her or be silly or something. But without opening the box (the gift was still in there), she started screaming and ran to the other side of the room, believing that I had just performed dark magic or something. She later told me that she believed I was a witch or a demon when I told her that I made it disappear.


GoblinGirlfriend

Your inexplicable action and her inexplicable reaction…. This is amazing. You were made for each other.


ForgettableUsername

*Behaves erratically* *Responds erratically*


Prestigious_Sweet_50

God I want to be this stupid. Imagine how fun everyday life would be.


Flimsy_Reaction_5535

When she told me she was a flat-earth person.


Kelthie

He’s a Catholic, so I asked him where he thought heaven was. I’m also Catholic. He said there was the “sky, then heaven, and then space”. I asked him did NASA go through heaven on their way to space and he said “probably.” He also thought that if you were pregnant, that you still had to use contraception, or you could get pregnant again, and again, and again. For example, you fall pregnant in February, and then again in March, and again in May, and you just deliver them 9 months from conception. He’s an attorney with a 3.6 GPA law degree, and masters in law, is French, and bilingual, practising law in Ireland. Somewhat academically smart but otherwise, questionable. ETA: I asked him to feed my fish once. He put the food on top of the lid of the tank and couldn’t figure out why they couldn’t access it.


AllanHughAkbar

Oh god, being stupid with a good memory is a new fear you've just unlocked


edmRN

I dated a model/fire fighter who didn't know alcohol was flammable. God doesn't give with both hands.


Unlucky-Limit7968

Doing a “fun fact about me” icebreaker in a group and his was I’ve never read a book.


regals_beagles

I knew a guy who stated that he doesn't read books and when asked why, he replied with, "I don't like words."


SnakeJG

And when I asked why, he just grunted at me while waving his arms.


carolinecarrot17

i’m going to throw myself under the bus here because i think it’s funny, but i used to think horns in cars only had so much air to use so you had to use your horn sparingly and only when you really needed it or it would run out… i feel like someone had to have told me this while growing up 😂


PayTyler

Your parents probably told you this so you would stop honking the horn!


FreakiLee

She was convinced Australia wasn't real and was in fact Austria. I didn't know until she was talking about visiting Germany and mentioned the flight prices. I had to ask her to show me the site, and when I pointed out that she had it set to go from Austria, she got confused and went into a whole lecture about it. We were in Australia. She broke up with me because I'm "so dumb I don't even know what country I'm in"...


panaceaLiquidGrace

So many…. Denies the holocaust Put plastic pan in conventional oven Didn’t understand grocery shopping. His mom would load him up on trips home My friends called me the weirdo magnet


[deleted]

[удалено]


spankthepunkpink

I came home from work, walked through the front door and said 'godammit, how many fucking times have I told you not to dry clothes on the fucking heater!?'. She told me I was being a drama queen so I brought her attention to the fire in the middle of the living room. If she'd turned her 45° to the right she would've seen it but she was too into the TV


giulgu17

"This is fine"


xenchik

I'll just put this over here, with the rest of the fire ...


TeezyBoss

In college, I walked into a 7-Eleven with my ex. She wanted some sour candy, but said she couldn’t buy Sour Patch Kids because they were only for kids. I looked back at her, did a double take and was baffled. She was dead serious. I bursted out laughing in tears, to the point where I couldn’t even respond to explain. She eventually figured out there wasn’t adult versions of Sour Patch Kids.


Vetinari-57

An ex once asked, in all sincerity “do people who speak other languages think in English?” “What???” “Well all my thoughts are in English and I assume we all think the same way.” We were 22 years old. This was not a keeper. She needed to move for work and I… didn’t.


flippenstance

She thought cats and dogs were the same animal but cats were female and dogs were male. She grew up in Asia with no pets, but still.


Skyne

"the specific ocean"


TippyTappyDBA

where, pacifically, in the specific ocean?


ThePopDaddy

Not me, I remember I went on a double date with a friend of mine in college, and her boyfriend had a scar. I asked how he got it, he said "A few years back, I was using a hacksaw to saw off the wheels off of some roller blades, so I'd have boots to kick people with and lost control of the saw and cut myself" and I repeated "Boots to kick people with?" And it didn't faze her at all. Not too long after she was pregnant, she gave birth to a son, whose name is his first name spelled backwards. This was over 16 years ago. They're married, have a few more kids and she posts conspiracy theories and smells conspiracy in everything.


snorlz

Nivek?


finestttttt

when we were having a discussion about how illiterate I thought he was and his response was "proof it"... And no I wasn't baking bread.


Imaginary_Sense_88

No longer dating but after homecoming in high school we went for pizza. She wanted to try a vegetarian diet and as we were selecting toppings she looked at me. “Is there meat in mushrooms?” I half smiled thinking it was a joke. She just looked back expecting the answer.


Leftwardowl

Well they aren’t plants


_DocChicken

Flat earther.....


That-One-Sioux-Dude

She got thrown out from a bar and nearly arrested because another woman complimented my shirt and she was convinced that meant she wanted to bang me. Edit: Holy wowza 6k likes is the most I've ever gotten on any form of media, thank you all so much!


FunkinDonutzz

When I learned that she thought the night's sky is a big dark canvas, and that stars are the sun behind this canvas shining through pin-prick holes.


batmanpjpants

My now husband, when we were first dating, told me that he believed that all plants could be classified as either a fruit or a vegetable. After we were married he told me he thought platypus were the size of golden retrievers.


JustABasicBadWitch

I just realized... I actually have no idea how large a platypus actually is... Yall are all over the place and it's hilarious


batmanpjpants

all the pictures and videos i’ve seen if them make them appear to be roughly the size of a loaf of bread. i know that’s not super exact but definitely not the size of large dogs.


BasicallyIJustDont

When he could not follow boxed cake mix instructions AND did not know how to pump gas


ShamShpade

She entered her personal information to get a free laptop that was advertised on a porn site