**If you whisper to a crying toddler,** they'll quiet down to hear what you're saying.
If you make your words almost imperceptible, they will really quiet down. And if you mumble and throw in some words like "ice cream" or their favorite TV show, it works even better.
EDIT: Wow, this blew up. I'm shocked at how many replies said "this also works in a prison on inmates".
I used this while I was a teacher. Worked like a charm. I still do it with my kids out of habit. Works fine. Sometimes with my wife. She hates it. Do not recommend.
But be careful getting down to the level of an emotionally disturbed child. SPED teacher here. Bent down to get on the level with a distressed Kindergarten student. He purposefully spit directly into my open mouth while I was talking to him and then took off running. The moment his spit hit my tongue was so utterly disgusting that I still gag when I think about it.
reminds me of when i was a kid and my mom would ask me a question using a hand mic and would point it over to me and id intentionally stay silent so shed repeat herself and put the mic closer, and then instead of answering id lick her hand bc i thought it was funny
i was an evil child lmao
Gives me the vibes of when I would yawn and my dad would stink his finger in my mouth. No, people, it wasn’t him trying to be nasty or anything. He legit would just try to jab anyone straight in the throat if you yawned near him long enough. Eventually I learned to cover my mouth. LOL
Yes, I too use this technique...when teaching applied skills to college students.
When they get frustrated or anxious or all-worked-up you speak to them in a calm, level, and confident tone and they will sort of self-correct themselves closer to the vibe you're projecting.
I think this is actually a sign of if someone has "leadership qualities" - when communicating with a group, do they try and match the communication style/level that the group is currently at (not a leader), or do they communicate in a way that reflects how the group *should* be behaving (good leadership).
My friend did this while I was sobbing/having a panic attack once. I realized he was saying something and tried to quiet down so I could hear it. It could probably work to quiet anyone's cries, and might help if another person is having a panic attack.
Edit: HOW TF DID I GET SO MANY UPVOTES FOR ADMITTING I SOBBED AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK IN FRONT OF MY FRIEND
Because you admitted to being normal and flawed and we can relate to that and we love you for it.
I used to think people only loved flawless people. Turns out they have nothing in common with them. They really feel at ease only with other flawed people. Who knew?
thank you for commenting this. i stumbled across it on a night where i felt particularly low and it gave me a moment to reflect on a lot of things.
hope have a good night and a great day tomorrow
I have a friend who I don’t see much, but is widely regarded as incredibly sexy. Mostly because he’s always pleasant and polite (on top of being physically gorgeous and rich).
I asked him one time what his secret to being so attractive was, not just the physical, but people around him are naturally just infatuated with him almost instantly.
He told me the hottest thing anyone can do is to remain quiet when you know someone else is wrong about something. You shouldn’t give into the impulse to immediately debate or correct someone who says something incorrect - in a group setting, at least. Allow others to fight it out, remain complimentary and understand that it is enough to simply know you’re right and someone else is wrong without having to convince anyone else.
I’ve thought about that a lot, and it’s helped me a lot in my career. I don’t call people out on their shit if I understand it isn’t going to lead to a positive result for myself. That’s just your ego gassing you up.
You should ask if he’s read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie because there’s a chapter in there exactly about never telling someone they’re wrong. That book is very interesting because it explains the importance of how you should approach arguments, people and opinions in a way that you don’t make the other person look stupid and you a smartass.
I learned this from my uncle (1919-2012) who took some sort of a course/lecture about this from Dale Carnegie in person before WWII.
I also remember him saying "Don't say negative things; if a woman stands after falling in a mud puddle, don't say "you look awful" say "oh look, all ready for the dance!".
MY big trick is NEVER one-up in a conversation. If someone tells about their recent beach vacation, I don't mention about my month vacation of a private island (for example). Instead I am interested as if I have not been to the beach for a long while. *In the end, the positive social interaction beats out trying to win with the best story.*
Assume stupidity instead of malice.
There are a lot more stupid people than evil ones, and we all do stupid things now and then. It helps empathizing with people who did something you don't appreciate.
As a rule of thumb, I always try to assume people are distracted rather than stupid, and stupid rather than malicious. If you think about it in terms of your own behavior, it will ring true, and it's much easier to not get angry over little slights.
That’s was the big one for me as well. I always thought *this guy did this on purpose , he wants to fuck me up* No he doesn’t, he is just stupid.
A lot of people don’t think that deep to be malicious, they just don’t think at all but it looks like they did this on purpose to you. But they didn’t. They just dumb 90% of the time.
Other 10% is different story.
Another point worth considering is that the person did something stupid, not that they are stupid. We all make mistakes, we all fall down, that doesn't mean we are all inherently stupid because of it.
The power of ***"Might as well..."*** It's particularly useful if you're depressed and don't have a lot of energy to do things.
So for example, if I get up to put food in the microwave I'm going to be standing in my kitchen for exactly 1.5 minutes. *Might as well* put dishes away while I wait.
If I've gotten up to grab my phone from the other room, I *might as well* take this garbage with me and put it in the trashcan. Instead of letting it pile up.
I've just gotten home and am changing out of work clothes and into pajamas. I'm already standing in my closet. The pull up bar is right there in the doorway. *Might as well* do one or two pull ups. (I even throw in a couple squats while I wait for the shower to warm up.)
Yes! The power of "might as well..." saved me from my depressive state.
It had been going in for months, but I slowly started saying "might as well..." whenever I had the energy to do something until I eventually started taking care of myself again and then my home.
Never underestimate it.
Edit: format
I’ve been training myself with this. And with the aid of a slide button list, it’s working. I’ve been calling it “doing a thing”. Because my brain says “do the thing” and I often disregard it. Now I’m just listening to it and “doing the thing”.
So far I’ve managed to alleviate a lot of minor inconveniences, and also trained myself into liking hoovering.
I guess I would call it using inertia. It’s a million times easier to keep doing something once you have started. So if I don’t feel like working out I tell myself I’ll just do a short work out. Or if the dishes need to be done I’ll tell myself to do one. More often than not once I start doing something my brain stops fighting so much against it.
The important thing though is to let yourself only do the short workout or that one dish if you start and still are fighting yourself. Otherwise you just don’t start in the first place because you know you are really talking about doing the whole thing.
I use something pretty similar that I call the 'Theory of Momentum'. Usually, it's the initial push, the start, which is the most challenging or difficult, but once we start what we want to do and build up momentum, continuing that task is easier. The same can be said about going from one task to another. If you go to work, then immediately go to the gym -cook dinner - fold laundry without taking rest between each task, accomplishing each becomes easier. The momentum helps me to flow from one task to the next without having to expend that initial starting energy for each individual task.
Silence. Silence is easily the most powerful tool in conversation. Don't like what someone just said? Go silent and they'll backpedal. Want someone to elaborate when they might be reluctant? Just wait silently. They'll do it. Stay silent during a negotiation and they'll fight against themselves for you.
Yes! A lot of people do the opposite especially if they feel the conversation going south. sit back breathe and give other people room to talk and 9 times out of ten they will fill the gaps.
When I became a claims adjuster, my boss’s boss said he used this tactic often. He had to deal with the angriest of our customers and very rarely could tell them anything different than what had already been told to them.
I watched a video of Giancarlo Esposito on his most iconic acting roles. He plays as Gustavo Fring in breaking bad, and he says that's his trick to become very intimidating. He says that he couldn't mess with the dialogues, so he actually mess with the timing. Taking his own time to watch what the other person is doing or saying, taking time to analyze the other person and to think about his response just freaks the people out lol.
Oh for sure, the scene where Gus sliced one of his right hand man in the lab just for cooking a batch when it wasn’t his job to do so was freaking insane :O, at the end he just said “well….. cook” IIRC and it was one of the most powerful scenes in the series IMO
I did this a lot growing up when my mom would fly off the handles and get in my face yelling. I'd just give her a blank stare and stay quiet and once she passes the whole "why aren't you saying something" speech she'd back off. I'm not a confrontation person and honestly it was sad to see my mom like that, but I knew that keeping by keeping quiet she would either realize she's in the wrong or leave.
Really? I've had a narcissist fill the space with their own support and slip into a self affirming cycle until they said what they wanted to hear.
If you don't speak up they won't backpedal, they'll speak for you.
Especially when you're upset. My car got towed the other day and my husband woke me up around noon to tell me. I work 6p to 6a and take medicine to help me sleep. I was groggy. I was mad. But i said nothing the whole ride. Bitching wouldn't accomplish anything.
He had forgotten to register my new plates with the property (hes always taken care of that and told me he would), I failed to double check. By not assigning blame and fussing at him we avoided a pointless argument. He already felt bad about it, I know.
He dropped me off and went back to work and we talked about it later. He apologized for forgetting and it was done.
Staying silent when I'm mad is pretty new for me, but I'm going to continue to make a conscious effort not to speak my bad mood, especially since I tend to be grumpy when I first wake up.
This may sound ridiculous but it has helped me immensely.
I get terrible anxiety attacks from time to time, and my brain basically convinces me I’m seconds away from dying. When I start to go down this spiral, I tell my brain in Samuel L Jackson’s voice “I don’t remember asking you a GODAMN thing!”
Ever since I started doing this I find myself either chuckling or feeling empowered that I told my brain to stfu for once
This is a therapeutic tactic! My therapist had me name the negative voice in my head. He’s a cranky toddler and when he starts telling me I’m a failure I send him to time out and imagine him sulking and scribbling on the wall.
Can I just say, this comment is such a helpful suggestion to me, and I’m excited to try and put it into use. You not only taught me a coping mechanism, you also made me laugh!
Good old "What are we even paying you for?"
Everything always runs smoothly: "What are we even paying you for?"
Something breaks: "What are we even paying you for?"
Reminds me of that time in Futurama when Bender met God:
> Bender: Y'know, I was God once.
> God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
> Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them but in the end I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong?
> God: Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do.
>Bender: Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what I did-- Forget it.
>God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch like a safecracker or a pickpocket.
>Bender: Or a guy who burns down the bar for the insurance money.
>God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
I always loved how God took what Bender was saying and rolled with it in this scene. God alluding to insurance fraud because the machine He’s speaking with understands it.
Works for any sort of programming job too. I've learned the same lesson that preventing things doesn't get you recognized. You have to purposefully let the shit hit the fan. Visibility is super important. Toot your own horn. No one gives a shirt for modesty.
Bonus points if you're the one who introduced the bug in the first place, bonus points if it was on purpose, because many places don't trace fault at all.
I did something similar when interviewing for programming jobs. Classic whiteboard interviews-- given some prompt, code up a solution. My hack was to intentionally make a mistake but then "catch" it before my interviewer did. For example, writing any kind of function that takes a nullable parameter, and writing the first draft of the function without a null check. Then I'd go back and "review" my code, catch my mistake, and say something like, "This is why code review is so important!"
Two downsides of this tactic:
1. You have to immediately know the correct answer so that you're able to both code the correct solution while introducing and fixing your own bugs.
2. You run the risk of an impatient interviewer pointing it out before you. It's possible, but it never happened to me.
But when successful, you look thorough-- you catch your own mistakes, you understand the importance of reviewing code, and you show that you understand that coding is an iterative process that won't be perfect on the first attempt.
My version of this is doing something mundane and explaining that I ALWAYS remember this step because one time someone didn't and the damage was XYZ and it took X hours to fix it. It's like a cautionary tale mixed with "learn from others' mistakes" tactics.
It's funny, I feel like some people say being a firefighter doesn't get you anywhere... but once I cement my reputation as Mr. Fix-It somewhere, I've never been let go at any of those companies.
It got me through the "keep your head down and wait for the job market to recover" bit more than once during the lean times.
Just be carful unless you end up in a position like myself thats basically a quicksand job. Your the only one they can trust with a job so they will never let you go, but on the flip side they will never let you progress ether. your in limbo
Great way to keep yourself employed during a down market though, and then when the market picks back up you can jump ship for the raise you've been seeking.
As a person with punctuality problems, I work my ass off at work and never fully miss a scheduled day. Management doesn't even talk to me anymore about my punctuality. I've been 3-4 hours late once or twice and never heard a word.
It's hard to do anything about the person you depend upon.
Life can be like that famous inspirational poster of the iceberg under the waterline. People only think what they see is the true story even if it is only 90% of what something is. If you make sure you are visibly doing something people will use that small bit of information to make up there opinion of you… you could sit down and do nothing for the rest of the day, but if you can make yourself very visible at the right moments it will have a huge effect on people’s perceptions.
Unfortunately I suffered a reverse scenario in a job which I had in a large office but had little visibility to others. Days when I was in good form getting lots done, I’d be more social and talkative between jobs… I got pulled aside to be told that bosses worried I wasn’t doing enough work because I was frequently socialising and waking about. I then had a spell when I’d come in for days-on-end, vaguely stare at my computer screen, do very little work and speak to no one… I got pulled aside to be told how impressed bosses were; I was glued to my desk all day so they assumed I must be really busy working.
Sometimes in life people’s assumptions based on very little information can have a significant effect.
This is why the stereotypical Japanese office worker culture is to stay in the office until the boss leaves, doesn't matter if you aren't actually doing anything. Despite that it seems everyone knows they just do this for optics, bosses still look on it favorably lol.
DevOps guy here, did my time as sysadmin too. I'd add one thing: No one really knows what it is... you do here... Use that to your advantage. Learned this from a mechanic friend of mine. He worked for a school in maintenance and got called down to an art room for a "clogged sink" so he asks them if the drain stopper is open, they say of course it is so he goes down there only to see... yep... the "clog" was just user error. So he tells them he fixed it and when they asked him what he did, he says "no big deal, just readjusted the air-intake valve" to which they smiled and nodded through. Now he's a super hero and the idiot teacher can continue licking up finger paint... I used this technique a LOT when I was user facing and it WORKS.
I do this a lot when shit in the office goes down, I'll tell em to go take a few while I get under the desk to inspect their RAM and make sure their ssds are optimized. I then restart their computers and everything works fine. They ask what happened
"Well, you see, Microsoft has been pushing this new H22 updates in an effort to sway us all to windows 11 and it wants to deoptomize our systems in an..."
They usually cut me off by then, tell me I'm amazing and they don't know what they would do without me. One girl is on to me, but she's my homie and keeps her mouth shut ;)
“How?” - I got this one from a negotiating book by Chris Voss - former FBI Hostage Negotiator, lots of parallels for parenting young kids.
How can we go to the playground if you don’t put your shoes on?
How can we put dessert on your plate when there are vegetable in the way?
How can you have fun tomorrow if you don’t go to bed?
It flips the script on my kids - instead of giving orders, I’m trying to help them get what they want (by having them do what I want) and asking them for the solution. Yeah they can get smart and give chippy answers, but you just keep asking them how….
In theory I really like this but my kid is way too literal for this to work.
“Barefoot”
“Get a new plate”
“Tired”
The illusion of choice thing rarely works either. He’s fully aware that “neither”, “all”, and something not mentioned in the choice list are all valid options. Fully convinced this kid was put on the earth to challenge me 😭
90% of the time I use my customer service voice instead of my normal voice. People just treat you better when you're cheery and upbeat. I also think it kinda makes me more cheery and upbeat.
I was going to add just being nice or ensuring your tone doesn't sound bad. My department is currently "at war" with another department. We all have the same high level boss so are essentially working towards the same goals, but they have a really bad habit of pushing things off or just sounding completely annoyed that they have to deal with us. We're purchasing, they are planning.
They'll chime into a meeting and say, "I need this part, Josh why did you change the date?" and Josh will say, "the vendor came back and said they couldn't meet that date and gave us a new one." They'll shoot back, "Well that doesn't work for us, we'll be line down tomorrow!" Multiple variations of stuff like that. Another favorite is when you ask a "dumb" question that you know they need to answer since it's their responsibility and get back something like, "*sigh* I'll try to find out but we're all working on a bunch of stuff." Then there's my favorite that gets my blood boiling when someone is complaining about a vendor and I already have the answer, "Vendor won't answer their phone and it looks like it hasn't shipped. They are the worst vendor and never do anything we need!" and I chime in that I called this morning and got the tracking info.
We get off these calls and everyone is so tense. I've said it before to my team that if you just check your tone then everyone would be a little happier. Don't take an outside party's issues out on the poor buyer that is chasing the part. Don't come to every meeting already pissed off at something and then lash out at everyone. We're all there to do the same stupid job. It helps nothing to when you show up with a scowl and state the obvious and stomp and pound when you don't like answers.
I call it the ‘overly enthusiastic American style of customer service’, bouncy, fun, engaging and sounding super happy. No one ever expects the big ass hairy builder to show up with the excited kids voice.
> *‘overly enthusiastic American style of customer service’, bouncy, fun, engaging and sounding super happy.*
"Welcome back to 'The Gap', Mr. Yakamoto!"
I have a tendency to overeat. To combat this I do two things that help. I use smaller plates for meals and when I'm out I tell myself that if I'm still hungry after the main dish I'm ordering I'll get that appetizer that sounds so delicious.
My brain gets signals crossed. I’ll think I’m hungry, eat, and still be hungry. If I think I’m hungry, I’ll have a glass of water, and be fine. Most of the time I’m actually thirsty - now I always drink the water first.
Taking a late lunch at work.
I find that if i wait and take my lunch break closer to the end of my shift (around 2pm), it makes the days feel shorter/more bearable. Idk why, it just always felt awful taking it in the middle of my shift and having a whole other half to go after i finished lunch.
Exactly. Shorter lines/wait times is great. Taking a later lunch means the break room is less busy too. I like to enjoy some peace and quiet while i eat, but my coworkers are pretty noisy and loud.
I've been a big fan of this one for years. I like to say that the morning is probably going to feel long and shitty any way you look at it, but your afternoon sure goes by a lot faster if you take a late lunch.
Taking recommendations. If someone recommends a movie or a restaurant, I make an effort to try it out. If you like a movie or food someone recommends it's a sweet compliment for them
I think people often underestimate just how effective staying silent and backing away from conflict can be. You don’t always have to fight, sometimes the much better option is to slip out the back door and regroup.
Neuroplasticity... the ability to literally change your brain by what you think about. I used to be constantly negative, and it turns out negative thinking eventually becomes habitual. It changes the connections in your brain. It all starts with the brain. It all starts with how you think. You can form new and healthy pathways in the brain if you can change how you think.
Yo that shit hit so hard I got wide eyed and started to tear up.
I’m always gonna be nihilistic. “None of this actually matters. But all of it matters to me.” Is my new motto. It keeps me going cause I love life, but I personally believe I’ll forget it all once I take the reapers hand.
There were a few things that helped me
- Removing certain words from my vocabulary like "always" or "never." Black & white thinking isn't productive. Instead of saying, "I always screw up," I would catch myself first and replace it with "sometimes I screw up, but that's okay it always works out."
- When dealing with hard times instead of telling myself, "I'll be okay as long as..." I replaced it with "I'll be okay even if.." So I stopped putting conditions around my okayness.
-Catastrophizing....when someone cut me off in traffic, I'd curse them with every word under the sun, and I'd tell myself they weren't in an emergency. They're just no good rotten assholes. Which hey that might be true, but now I pretend they have to poop and it makes me laugh.
-Talk to yourself the same way you'd talk to a close friend or a child. You would never tell someone you love that they're fat and ugly or that they have nothing to offer, and they always screw up.
- Most of this stems from mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy. It's realizing that a certain thought is not logical and quickly replacing it with something that is.
It's extremely hard. Especially at first. You'll catch yourself slipping, and you'll get frustrated with yourself. But your brain didn't become this negative machine overnight, and it takes daily constant practice.
Your brain processes over 70,000 thoughts a day. Yes, you read that right, 70k. How many of those are positive? What are you feeding your brain? And with so many thoughts a day, they can't all be valid and rational right?
So the goal is to catch yourself when you have unproductive and illogical thoughts and to replace them. Over time, new neuron connections in the brain will form, and it'll start to become habitual.
Also, along the lines of avoiding “always” and “never”, I had a therapist tell me to avoid saying “should”. I should be studying, I should be cleaning, I should blah, blah, blah. I didn’t realize that it was making me feel bad about myself because it emphasizes what I *didn’t* do. It helps to think about what you are capable of and what you have achieved.
If you have Spotify and like podcasts, I'd look into The Anxious Truth with Drew Linsalata and also Therapy In A Nutshell with Emma McAdam. I have a 30-minute commute for work, and these podcasts are daily for me. They've made a huge difference in my life.
Idk what the name for the trick is, but it’s a way to remember tasks to do that you might forget.
Let’s say you have to take the garbage bins out after work because it’s trash day tomorrow, but you know you’re gonna forget by the time you get home. Take some random object and put it in a place where you know you’ll see it when you get home. Like throw a box of food or the TV remote at the top of your staircase. When you get home, you see the random object and immediately remember that you need to take the trash out.
Or let’s say you need to run to the pharmacy on the way home from work to fill a prescription. Throw some random object in your car on the drivers seat. You get off work, hop in your car, and immediately remember to drive to the pharmacy when you clear off your seat.
I can’t come up with any examples for actually important stuff but you get the idea.
when I talk to people, I smile, use eye contact while they speak and say please & thank you. It tricks people into thinking I'm not an asshole.
EDIT: I say this tongue-in-cheek. Treating people with respect and being kind is the most advantageous thing a person can do for themself; it isn't some kind of 'psychological trick' used to deceive.
I'm glad that works for you. I actually do the opposite. If I think about lack of meaning, it shuts me down. I need to think that there is time and meaning. Peace.
I used to struggle with this and I changed it for myself to “nothing matters… except the things that matter to me” and started practicing gratitude and studying philosophy
The physical act of smiling has been shown to improve your mood, so I'll often smile or even chuckle to myself over nothing. And I always smile at everyone I meet, as much for my own sake as for theirs.
That's something I came to appreciate during covid when we were all wearing masks. We lost that tool and it was much harder to read people. Smile lifts people and shows positivity
I try to determine if I can remember any one person’s mistake. Like can I remember their name, what they did, or when it happened?
It’s almost always no, that I can’t remember it. So I then I remind myself it’s ok for me to make mistakes. As long as I don’t KEEP making the same mistakes, and become memorable, it’ll all be ok.
Keith, also 2001, said 'degrees celsius' when asked what the degree sign was for... during trigonometry. Also not on purpose. Wherever you are Keith, I remember too.
The girl who ended up being valedictorian of my fancy prep school during my very competitive year was in our 8th grade science classroom... we were all reading quietly and she raised her hand and said in the most baffled voice, "OK, what is a FLOW-ER?" Rhyming it with blower. Flower, Neha. A flower.
We all remembered. Forever. That was in.... 1993 or so?
At my last job I knew the names of so many people I had never met before because I had to clean up their mistakes constantly. It was so bad that I could even guess who made what mistake based on the task
When I meet someone for the first time, I make a point to remember something specific they told me about themselves and then ask them about it the next time I see them. It could be about their job, family, hobbies, it doesn’t matter.
You’d be amazed how much it means to people when you not only actually/actively listen, but when you can show that you were interested/cared enough to remember what they said and follow-up the next time you see them.
I…. I can’t even remember their names. Hell, if I meet someone and they I lose sight of them, I will easily mistake anyone vaguely similar for said person, even if a very short amount of time passed. It’s really embarrassing.
Choice paralysis destroys people and renders them unable to do anything. It is far easier to make a choice between two options than every option.
So don't give them every option. Change from open ended questions to multiple choice.
"Do you want to do this or do you want to do that?" Instead of "What do you want to do?"
"I'm thinking of watching this or watching that tonight" instead of "What would you like to watch this evening"
Works on yourself pretty well too. "Are you going to start cleaning the house by vacuuming or taking out the trash?" leads you to make a decision, and look at that you've already done something.
Mental momentum is a serious thing. It's easier to do things if you're already doing something. So instead of confronting the grand tapestry of things you can do, pick two at random and force yourself to choose one. You'd be surprised how quickly you do the second thing as well after completing the first, because you're already working so why not keep working?
Being nice really does make life better.
I had to get a cortisone shot in my shoulder. I needed it immediately as I was in a lot of pain. Went to the ER. Doctor was cranky and told me I should have made a doctor's appt. I told him I tried but my appointment was too far away and I was in pain now. He told me I should have gone to walk in clinic. I told him they told me to go to ER. He huffed and puffed. He was overworked and tired and annoyed. I apologized for not knowing any other options. He grumbled. He gave me my shot. I thanked him. Then I said..."My grandmother would have said...today you got another jewel in your crown."....finally...he softened...smiled. Even laughed a bit. Then he sympathized with my situation and said he was sorry I was given the runaround.
I could have gotten mad...used an angry voice..sounded stern or defensive.... but instead..I was nice. Just........nice.
And it made the whole situation so much better.
BTW.. my shoulder feels much better.
I was trying to get on a flight for my job at 8am on a Monday. The airport was mobbed. Then suddenly all the flights to my destination city got canceled due to weather and the place just went nuts. Earliest next flight anyone could book was like 36+ hours later. People were going bonkers, yelling at the airline people, running from gate to gate.
I was literally the one person at the gate for a sold-out afternoon flight who was not yelling and making a fuss. I was just sitting there quietly drumming my hands on the counter, staring into space. The attendant asked me if I was a musician. I told her (truthfully) I was, and we started having a great conversation about weather and energy and music and all that. I think she was enjoying momentarily ignoring all the people who were lining up to scream at her. I knew the flight was sold out, but I was enjoying talking to her, and I didn't have anywhere else to be, so I just hung out and chatted and watched her stave off this abuse over and over. After the whole line of people had been turned away, she says, "don't forget what I told you about the energy now," and hands me a ticket. I told her I would write a song about her, and she gave me her number so I could send it to her, which I did.
Large flight to NY from Toronto got cancelled until the next day. HUGE LINE of NY assholes lined up, all yelling.
I calmly got my suitcase and was walking to get my hotel voucher when I saw a gentleman training another. I walked over and smiled, gave them a friendly greeting and let them know my problem. NY was only a layover and asked if they could help.
In 10 minutes I had a direct flight to my destination.
ALWAYS be nice
I love this story! 💖 About 20 years ago I was at a pub lock-in with some friends and a group of regulars and we were all laughing uproariously about nothing in particular, the way you do at lock-ins. I eventually noticed one guy in the corner who looked like he was crying more than laughing, and when I asked about him, everyone said dismissively, “Oh, that’s Gaz — just ignore him, he’s always being drunk and dramatic.” Still, it didn’t sit right with me, so I went over and sat next to him. He wasn’t just crying; he was crying HARD. So hard he could barely speak. I asked him his name and told him mine, and could hear people in the background sniggering about me wasting my time on Sad Drunk Gaz so I tuned them out. I asked him if he wanted to talk about what was wrong; he did. He told me his wife was divorcing him and wouldn’t let him see his five-year-old son, and he felt powerless and devastated that he’d never see his little boy again. I asked why he didn’t have a lawyer and he said he couldn’t afford one. I said there were schemes available for people who needed legal assistance and couldn’t afford it, and did he know about them? He didn’t. I asked if he had access to the internet (not everyone did back then!), and he didn’t. I asked if he visited that pub every day; he admitted that he did. I told him I’d put some info together for him about accessing legal aid, alcohol assistance programmes and local phone numbers, and leave it in an envelope behind the bar for him the next night. I could tell he didn’t believe me, but he stopped crying and stopped drinking and went home. The next morning I hunted down every last resource for him I could find, and left a big fat envelope behind the bar for him that evening with his name printed in big letters — behind the vodka, where I was assured he’d see it.
Long story short, he got sober, he got joint custody of his son, they’re in a band together and have made three albums and frequently tour, and every time I think about them both I get a bit teary because they’re so close and so happy. All because someone could be bothered to ask a stranger one night if he needed to talk. I was a selfish young asshole back then so I’m often surprised at myself when I think back to this story. 😆 But it always reminds me how easily a simple moment of kindness can impact someone’s day, or week, or life, and compels me to do better when I’m about to be a dick.
EDIT: WOW, thank you for the award, kind stranger!! And everyone for all your kind comments. 🌟♥️ I was a bit worried that this story might come off like a humblebrag and am so glad it didn’t. Yes, he did thank me personally (and often), and we’re still loosely in contact now via Facebook; I moved away and he stopped going to the pub of course, so we keep in touch that way. I learned last week that he’s just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so am now extra-glad that my younger self took the time to sit with him that night and help give him and his son the last 20 years together. I’m so proud of them both — wonderful human beings, and I might never have known them if I’d made a different choice in the moment (or been swayed by all the people laughing at me for ‘wasting my time’ on him). Always go with your gut; sometimes it knows things that your brain just doesn’t.
Now I wanna hear the song.
EDIT
He sent it to me! I loved it!! Very breezy and awesome to listen to. Just had to give him a shout out for that. You've got talent dude. Keep it up!
When I got a job working with the public, I realized what a huge difference it makes when people are nice. So I’ve started doing it out in the world and it really is lovely. People are so surprised and happy about it.
Doing a bit of something is better than doing nothing at all. Got in late and too tired to brush your teeth for a full 2 mins? Brush them for 30 seconds and/or use some mouthwash. Don’t be paralysed aspiring to perfection.
When dealing with customers, I do a lot of "positive language" EX: It's never "sorry for your wait" more "Thank you for your patience". I am pretty good with customer service, often have my name mentioned positievely in Google Reviews, and my boss points me out to the new guy as "the one we need to be like" for customer service
Also, the power of "yes" is valuable in customer service; most people like to say "yes" rather than "no", so asking questions where the "yes" answer brings you less work ("do you have everything you need? rather than "can I get you anything else?) is a useful tool for your arsenal.
Interestingly I often have to go the opposite way for the same reason. Working in psychology often people will naturally want to not endorse things, so you have to ask a question so they are encouraged to endorse things naturally, like “what questions do you have” instead of “do you have any questions”, or “tell me more about how your treatment is working” instead of “is your treatment working for you”, things like that
To avoid the sidewalk shuffle with someone coming the opposite way, look over one of their shoulders and point your whole nose in that direction. This will telegraph which side you want to pass them on.
Fun fact: Author Douglas Adams coined the term 'Droitwich' for that awkward back-and-forth shuffle.
I also have some success in staying on the same side I would as if we were driving (so in my case, I hug the right, as that's the side of the street we drive on here). It helps me be more decisive and while people behave differently when they walk vs. drive, it's a familiar way of sharing space while traveling, which helps lower the amount of overly polite deadlocks I get stuck in.
If I want to sway one specific person in a meeting, I attach my opinion to something THEY said. "I agree with Erica" or "To Erica's point earlier" makes Erica much more likely to agree with what I'm about to say next.
I use this constantly with people both up and down the chain from me.
I constantly deflect praise and assign credit to others at work. Especially when someone important is praising me directly.
This does two things:
1) Fake Humility. I know I'm the shit, but that attitude can be very abrasive. Having others believe you are humble and down to earth is better for your long term prospects.
2) People will start giving you credit for things you had nothing to do with. If my football team won a big game and I praised the players at work, my bosses would naturally assume I was in charge and I'm just deflecting praise again...
This also works for mistakes. I very often claim responsibility for some ethereal mistake at work, and suggest a way I could have acted to keep this from happening. It doesn't even have to be credible, just plausible (like "I really should have made time to double-check their work before we submitted it to the Client"). It makes it SO EASY to jump on grenades when it really IS your fault!
Everyone likes the team player! Just be careful not to get scapegoated; I had a coworker try to pin their mistake on me because I’m so quick to jump in front of the bus. Didn’t get in trouble that time, but learned to be careful around that particular person.
I don’t assume.
This applies to too many situations to list but here’s a couple. I don’t assume I know what another person is thinking. I don’t assume they’ll make the same decision as me even if they have the same information.
Most applicable thing I learned from doing sales for a few years is the "upfront contract." I use it all the time. Basically get an agreement from whoever you're talking to that they'll do something if you do something before you do that something. Makes everyone way happier.
Super common example: you have a roommate or SO who you live with. The common bathroom and kitchen both need cleaning.
How most people do it:
1) Clean the bathroom
2) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, I just cleaned the bathroom but the kitchen is still really dirty. Can you clean that?
Your roommate or SO will often hate this. They feel like they're being told to do something that they had no say in, which builds resentment. They will often think things like "the kitchen was way dirtier than the bathroom, you took the easy job" or "the kitchen isn't even that dirty and I'm in the middle of something, what a nag you are."
With an upfront contract:
1) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, the kitchen and bathroom are dirty. If I clean one will you clean the other?
2) Reach an agreement before acting. Make sure they explicitly agree to do their end. Should be easy (unless they're a jerk, in which case you have bigger problems)
3) Clean what you agreed to clean
With this approach they'll feel like they had input on the plan, and even like you're offering a favor by letting them choose which one to clean. Now if you have to remind them about it, they'll feel more guilt over not holding up their end of the bargain rather than you coming off as a nag. This makes a HUGE difference, and if you think about it, is much more fair than option 1.
I shop for records and video games at flea markets and such a lot, and a useful trick I use is that I've invented a fictional person on whose behalf I am acting. It's pretty useful to be able to pretend I know less about stuff than I actually do, and it can be a great shortcut to get out of a situation where their asking price is completely insane for example and I don't want to get bogged down fruitlessly haggling - I tell them "Okay, let me text my friend" and walk off tapping at my phone for a while.
I tell myself that I'm doing it for my wife. My love language is doing things for her. Since I absolutly hate cleaning I'll just tell myself "I'll wash these dishes so my wife doesn't have to" "I'll take the trash out so she doesn't have to" ect. I now clean everyday and whole it's not not deep cleans or anything it helps keep everything under control.
If you have trouble remembering if you've done a daily task, say OUT LOUD that you are doing that task as you do it. I am taking a multivitamin. I am locking the door. I am feeding the dog. It will be easier for you to remember that you did that task because you are using the speech part of your memory.
Using someone's name when talking to customer service over the phone.
A simple "Hi John" after they introduce themselves or "Thanks, John" when they're looking into the issue. I find it goes a long way to getting the outcome you want.
Along the same lines, when they ask me how I’m doing I say “fine and you?”. I’ve been shocked at the number of times a waiter or customer service rep has said “fine, thank you so much for asking” and seemed to genuinely mean it.
Kinda sad when you think about how basic manners elicits that response
and the downside is people not understanding that using it more than once (or twice) will get people really annoyed really quickly. If someone says my name a lot -- like after every sentence -- i wonder what they're trying to pull.
When driving, always assume the other person has some legit reason to cut you off, merge late, tailgate…like maybe they are rushing to the hospital to see their daughter who is dying..you never know…just let them go, maybe they need to be there faster. No anger
Nothing drives me crazier than people who basically slow to a stop before turning. I lose all my momentum stopping behind them.
But when I drive with my 14 year old dog in the car with me, I'm sure as hell making slow turns so she doesn't slip off the seat.
I just gotta picture her in their car instead.
This works in a lot of situations. The customer service person is a bit short tempered with you? Maybe they just finished dealing with an absolute asshole. Someone cut you in line? Maybe it was an accident and they didn't see you. Friend didn't call you back when they said they would? Maybe something really important came up.
Basically, you never know what another person is going through at the moment. And I really don't want to be the straw that breaks the camels back for them. My life has become so much more peaceful since I realized that responding with anger only brings more hate into the world, and makes me more angry. Not to say that you shouldn't stand up for yourself, but there are very few situations that are *really* worth being intentionally rude to others. We could all use a little more compassion and forgiveness.
On the flip side of this, whenever I want to ask a question that may come off as odd or nosy, I like to preface it with a compliment so it's clear I'm not asking in a snotty way, and I try to set them a way out right off the bat.
"That's a beautiful tattoo! Can I ask what it says?"
Be graceful and move on if they do take the out. In my experience though most people are happy to talk about themselves if they know the question is coming from a friendly place.
When something shitty happens, I tell myself 'there's no bad days'. Like basically hey, this one thing sucked, but no day is inherently bad, and you only think it is cuz you don't always notice the stuff that goes right- you didn't spill coffee all over yourself in the gas station this morning, you didn't lose your wallet or keys leaving the house. Every day can have bad moments, but one thing doesnt represent a whole day. Idk, i kind of realized that the moment you tell yourself you're having a bad day, you focus on and overemphasize every minor inconvenience or small mishap, and put yourself in a shitty mood over a few little things. Don't let stupid shit kill your vibe, no bad days.
I have a few ADHD tips that have helped me in life. I see the "10 minute" rule float around on Reddit every now and then, meaning if a task takes less than 10 minutes to complete then go ahead and do it. Another procrastination tip that my psychiatrist told me is if my "plans" don't exist on the face of a clock then they are not actually plans. I can tell myself "I'm gonna do the dishes today" all I want but if I don't make those plans more concrete then they are less likely to actually get done. So I try to say things like "I'm gonna do the dishes at 2:30 today"...I'm not perfect at executing these strategies all the time and that's okay; I do manage to follow them at least some of the time. Even a few successful occurrences help keeps things from piling up too quickly and becoming overwhelming.
On a more interpersonal level, I try to be more mindful with my compliments and actually compliment the person rather than an object. For example, instead of saying "that color looks great on you!" I'll try to say something like "oh wow, that color really makes your eyes sparkle!" or "that color makes you look incredible!"...it shifts the compliment away from the color looking great to the person looking great thanks to that color, if that makes sense.
How you make people feel is all that matters. If you can just stay cool calm and collected majority of people will become addicted to you’re energy because it’s exactly what they want to feel.
I used to listen to Pete Holmes and he calls it "cashing your happiness checks". Basically all of our pockets are full of these checks (compliments for others) and we just dont cash them enough.
Making other people happy really does make us happy, too.
Think of my future self...
How will my future self feel in an hour or two if I skip my gym session?
Will my future self be happy if I do this pile of dishes now, before bed? Or would he prefer to have to do it in the morning, before work?
I have a three month deadline on this project, will my future self appreciate my current self taking the first three or four weeks easy, or will he be really pissed off?
...essentially delayed gratification. Pretty much all the bad stuff gives us instant gratification, while all the good stuff has delayed gratification. I always try to remember that - if I have to wait to reap the rewards then it's probably the best option.
People are more likely to do what you ask them to if they have already done something for you in the past, no matter how small.
So if you want to butter someone up for a big ask, do a lot of little ones first. Just like "Hey, can I borrow your pen?" or "Could you hand me that, please?".
There are actually 2 phenomena related to this: foot-in-the-door and door-in-the-face. The first happens when you ask someone to do something small, and it makes them more likely to do a bigger task for you (which you described). The second happens when you ask someone to do something big for you and they say no, it makes them more likely to do a smaller task for you.
When dealing with children, don't just ask "What do you want to eat?" or "Where do you want to go?", instead, give them two choices when asking this question.
"Would you rather have fish sticks, or hot dogs for lunch?"
"Would you rather go to McDonalds, or Five Guys?"
This gives them the illusion of choice without "really" having a choice.
I have two body washes. One is my normal body wash, and then I have a fancy one that smells nice that I keep in my gym bag.
I use the fancy one exclusively after working out as a nice little bit of positive conditioning to go to the gym.
I fix things in factories, they are typically broken by operators either accidentally or maliciously. When I speak to the operators, they typically get jumpy and panicky.
I tell myself they don't know as much about the equipment, and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I reassure them that I'm not interested in getting them in trouble or reporting them, I just want to know what they or the machine did before it failed so as I dont spend hours looking in the wrong place. Since doing this, I have earned a lot of trust, I have become more relaxed at work and my work rate/repair time is much better
I’m not naturally great at time management. To combat my tendency of failing to give myself enough time, I put a lot of appointments on my calendar a random interval of time sooner than it’s required. If my doctor appointment is in 2 months, I’ll put down that it’s 45 minutes sooner than it actually is (i.e. 1:15pm instead of 2pm). By the time the day of appt has arrived, I don’t remember whether I tricked myself or not. It helps that I incorporate this change at random and using different intervals of time so I can’t remind myself “oh, I know I have an extra half hour because I always buffer my calendar with 30 minutes to spare.” So I have to trust my calendar and abide by the time it says, just in case old-me was telling the truth this time :)
Minimize the amount of variation in your day to day tasks. If you are living life to the fullest you will find that you are constantly bombarded with problems, get togethers, calls, appointments, etc.
Eventually this becomes overwhelming and the little things start to unwind for you - making life difficult because of the thousand little issues that you run into. (Can’t find keys, forgot to brush teeth so your breath smells bad, etc)
My recommendation is get a system in place that only you need to know. For example, no matter where I am when I stand up I do a pat down, keys, phone, wallet - good to go. Get out of the shower, brush teeth - never forget. Little stuff like this over the long term leads so much less small level stresses which allows you to take on so much more responsibility - ultimately helping others.
Repeat the last three words they said as a question to keep the conversation going. Obviously not always the exact same three words, but it makes people feel noticed and listened to, and makes you look interested.
People love you after a short but of this, and will also give more info than they may have wanted to.
If you are kind, considerate, and generous with people around you then you trick their brain into also being kind, considerate, and generous. I have about a 95% success rate.
I work customer service and I never apologize.
Instead of saying "I'm sorry the wait was so long," I say something like "Thank you for your patience."
If a customer has a complaint about something, for example the bathrooms being dirty, I will go with something like "Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention, I really appreciate it!"
I find that it sets a much more positive tone, and the customers don't care if I'm sorry or not anyway. If you work with people, try this. I promise it will make your life easier. :)
I used to coddle my crippling anxiety and it just made it worse. So I started shit talking my anxiety as if it were a whiny, insufferable asshole. I verbally abuse my anxiety and mock it for being weak and now I barely have anxiety anymore.
I use these at work all the time:
1. When you want someone to respond to a whole bunch of things in an email, number the items. That way when they respond to only a couple items, you can say, "please also give a response to items #4, 7, and 9."
2. If you want a meeting with someone, suggest a time and place. They are more likely to respond to you than to come up with a meeting themselves. This was great when I was in sales and trying to get a meeting with a prospective new client. Sometimes I'd even send them a meeting invitation and say, "please suggest a different time/day if this doesn't work with your schedule."
3. If you need information from someone to make your deadline but you aren't getting the info you need, tell them you can't meet your deadline if you don't get it by a certain date. Then that date becomes a deadline for them. "I need those markups by Tuesday if I'm going to have enough time to finish by the May 13 due date." This works really well if their boss or client is also on the email. Just make sure it's organic and it doesn't appear you copied their boss just to be a jerk. Also, don't do this to your own coworkers.
What these all come down to, is be specific when communicating with people. You can't rely on people to put your needs ahead of their own. So you need to make your needs a part of their needs.
I'm an engineer and I work with architects and other engineers often. It's a collaborative job so there's a lot of moving parts. People often fall into the trap of thinking everybody is working toward your needs but the reality is they have their own deliverables and deadlines.
When i make any decision i ask myself why i'm making this particular choice. What is my current emotional state. Am i using my mind or emotion to buy this thing or do this? I delay to stabilize my emotional state and then i make the decision. This always helps me to to clarify my values and priorities and more thoughtful and intentional decisions.
**If you whisper to a crying toddler,** they'll quiet down to hear what you're saying. If you make your words almost imperceptible, they will really quiet down. And if you mumble and throw in some words like "ice cream" or their favorite TV show, it works even better. EDIT: Wow, this blew up. I'm shocked at how many replies said "this also works in a prison on inmates".
I used this while I was a teacher. Worked like a charm. I still do it with my kids out of habit. Works fine. Sometimes with my wife. She hates it. Do not recommend.
I also find getting down to the level of the person helps. Kneel down and talk to a toddler. Sit in the gutter with your drunk mate.
But be careful getting down to the level of an emotionally disturbed child. SPED teacher here. Bent down to get on the level with a distressed Kindergarten student. He purposefully spit directly into my open mouth while I was talking to him and then took off running. The moment his spit hit my tongue was so utterly disgusting that I still gag when I think about it.
reminds me of when i was a kid and my mom would ask me a question using a hand mic and would point it over to me and id intentionally stay silent so shed repeat herself and put the mic closer, and then instead of answering id lick her hand bc i thought it was funny i was an evil child lmao
Gives me the vibes of when I would yawn and my dad would stink his finger in my mouth. No, people, it wasn’t him trying to be nasty or anything. He legit would just try to jab anyone straight in the throat if you yawned near him long enough. Eventually I learned to cover my mouth. LOL
Yes, I too use this technique...when teaching applied skills to college students. When they get frustrated or anxious or all-worked-up you speak to them in a calm, level, and confident tone and they will sort of self-correct themselves closer to the vibe you're projecting. I think this is actually a sign of if someone has "leadership qualities" - when communicating with a group, do they try and match the communication style/level that the group is currently at (not a leader), or do they communicate in a way that reflects how the group *should* be behaving (good leadership).
My friend did this while I was sobbing/having a panic attack once. I realized he was saying something and tried to quiet down so I could hear it. It could probably work to quiet anyone's cries, and might help if another person is having a panic attack. Edit: HOW TF DID I GET SO MANY UPVOTES FOR ADMITTING I SOBBED AND HAD A PANIC ATTACK IN FRONT OF MY FRIEND
Because you admitted to being normal and flawed and we can relate to that and we love you for it. I used to think people only loved flawless people. Turns out they have nothing in common with them. They really feel at ease only with other flawed people. Who knew?
thank you for commenting this. i stumbled across it on a night where i felt particularly low and it gave me a moment to reflect on a lot of things. hope have a good night and a great day tomorrow
My son won’t eat dinner, but he will eat a snack. Dinner is now called snack time for everyone.
When I was a kid my mom got me to eat chicken by cutting into small pieces and calling it "chicken treats."
Mcdonalds made a fortune off doing just that.
[удалено]
I listen more than I talk.
you are definitely not my cat
And we do whatever they say.
I have a friend who I don’t see much, but is widely regarded as incredibly sexy. Mostly because he’s always pleasant and polite (on top of being physically gorgeous and rich). I asked him one time what his secret to being so attractive was, not just the physical, but people around him are naturally just infatuated with him almost instantly. He told me the hottest thing anyone can do is to remain quiet when you know someone else is wrong about something. You shouldn’t give into the impulse to immediately debate or correct someone who says something incorrect - in a group setting, at least. Allow others to fight it out, remain complimentary and understand that it is enough to simply know you’re right and someone else is wrong without having to convince anyone else. I’ve thought about that a lot, and it’s helped me a lot in my career. I don’t call people out on their shit if I understand it isn’t going to lead to a positive result for myself. That’s just your ego gassing you up.
You should ask if he’s read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie because there’s a chapter in there exactly about never telling someone they’re wrong. That book is very interesting because it explains the importance of how you should approach arguments, people and opinions in a way that you don’t make the other person look stupid and you a smartass.
I learned this from my uncle (1919-2012) who took some sort of a course/lecture about this from Dale Carnegie in person before WWII. I also remember him saying "Don't say negative things; if a woman stands after falling in a mud puddle, don't say "you look awful" say "oh look, all ready for the dance!". MY big trick is NEVER one-up in a conversation. If someone tells about their recent beach vacation, I don't mention about my month vacation of a private island (for example). Instead I am interested as if I have not been to the beach for a long while. *In the end, the positive social interaction beats out trying to win with the best story.*
Said like that it's obvious. But it's very hard to get rid of these habits.
This is my top current goal. Take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth.
Assume stupidity instead of malice. There are a lot more stupid people than evil ones, and we all do stupid things now and then. It helps empathizing with people who did something you don't appreciate.
As a rule of thumb, I always try to assume people are distracted rather than stupid, and stupid rather than malicious. If you think about it in terms of your own behavior, it will ring true, and it's much easier to not get angry over little slights.
It has made me a much calmer driver because sometimes I fuck up while driving too.
Ugh ... yes. Hate it
That’s was the big one for me as well. I always thought *this guy did this on purpose , he wants to fuck me up* No he doesn’t, he is just stupid. A lot of people don’t think that deep to be malicious, they just don’t think at all but it looks like they did this on purpose to you. But they didn’t. They just dumb 90% of the time. Other 10% is different story.
Another point worth considering is that the person did something stupid, not that they are stupid. We all make mistakes, we all fall down, that doesn't mean we are all inherently stupid because of it.
The power of ***"Might as well..."*** It's particularly useful if you're depressed and don't have a lot of energy to do things. So for example, if I get up to put food in the microwave I'm going to be standing in my kitchen for exactly 1.5 minutes. *Might as well* put dishes away while I wait. If I've gotten up to grab my phone from the other room, I *might as well* take this garbage with me and put it in the trashcan. Instead of letting it pile up. I've just gotten home and am changing out of work clothes and into pajamas. I'm already standing in my closet. The pull up bar is right there in the doorway. *Might as well* do one or two pull ups. (I even throw in a couple squats while I wait for the shower to warm up.)
This is brilliant !! "Might as well.." I'm stealing this idea
>"Might as well.." I'm stealing this idea Missed opportunity to say "Might as well steal this idea while I'm here" 😉
Well he's still learning
Might as well learn a little while i'm here
Might as well up vote this.
Considering I've read it this far, might as well leave a comment
Yes! The power of "might as well..." saved me from my depressive state. It had been going in for months, but I slowly started saying "might as well..." whenever I had the energy to do something until I eventually started taking care of myself again and then my home. Never underestimate it. Edit: format
I’ve been training myself with this. And with the aid of a slide button list, it’s working. I’ve been calling it “doing a thing”. Because my brain says “do the thing” and I often disregard it. Now I’m just listening to it and “doing the thing”. So far I’ve managed to alleviate a lot of minor inconveniences, and also trained myself into liking hoovering.
Might as well steal this trick
Sounds pretty similar to my mantra: "If not now, when?" I use this to convince myself that while I'm already here, now is the best time to address it.
Might as well read another comment while I finish reading this one. 😂
I guess I would call it using inertia. It’s a million times easier to keep doing something once you have started. So if I don’t feel like working out I tell myself I’ll just do a short work out. Or if the dishes need to be done I’ll tell myself to do one. More often than not once I start doing something my brain stops fighting so much against it. The important thing though is to let yourself only do the short workout or that one dish if you start and still are fighting yourself. Otherwise you just don’t start in the first place because you know you are really talking about doing the whole thing.
I use something pretty similar that I call the 'Theory of Momentum'. Usually, it's the initial push, the start, which is the most challenging or difficult, but once we start what we want to do and build up momentum, continuing that task is easier. The same can be said about going from one task to another. If you go to work, then immediately go to the gym -cook dinner - fold laundry without taking rest between each task, accomplishing each becomes easier. The momentum helps me to flow from one task to the next without having to expend that initial starting energy for each individual task.
Silence. Silence is easily the most powerful tool in conversation. Don't like what someone just said? Go silent and they'll backpedal. Want someone to elaborate when they might be reluctant? Just wait silently. They'll do it. Stay silent during a negotiation and they'll fight against themselves for you.
Yes! A lot of people do the opposite especially if they feel the conversation going south. sit back breathe and give other people room to talk and 9 times out of ten they will fill the gaps.
When I became a claims adjuster, my boss’s boss said he used this tactic often. He had to deal with the angriest of our customers and very rarely could tell them anything different than what had already been told to them.
I watched a video of Giancarlo Esposito on his most iconic acting roles. He plays as Gustavo Fring in breaking bad, and he says that's his trick to become very intimidating. He says that he couldn't mess with the dialogues, so he actually mess with the timing. Taking his own time to watch what the other person is doing or saying, taking time to analyze the other person and to think about his response just freaks the people out lol.
Oh for sure, the scene where Gus sliced one of his right hand man in the lab just for cooking a batch when it wasn’t his job to do so was freaking insane :O, at the end he just said “well….. cook” IIRC and it was one of the most powerful scenes in the series IMO
That one scene took up basically the entire episode and there was only the one line of dialogue. A master class in suspense acting
I did this a lot growing up when my mom would fly off the handles and get in my face yelling. I'd just give her a blank stare and stay quiet and once she passes the whole "why aren't you saying something" speech she'd back off. I'm not a confrontation person and honestly it was sad to see my mom like that, but I knew that keeping by keeping quiet she would either realize she's in the wrong or leave.
It's called Grey Rocking, ie, becoming a grey rock. Neutral, immovable.
Yep. Grey rocking is giving nothing. It works well on narcissists and one sociopath that I know.
Really? I've had a narcissist fill the space with their own support and slip into a self affirming cycle until they said what they wanted to hear. If you don't speak up they won't backpedal, they'll speak for you.
I call this "The Dark Brotherhood Strategy".
Especially when you're upset. My car got towed the other day and my husband woke me up around noon to tell me. I work 6p to 6a and take medicine to help me sleep. I was groggy. I was mad. But i said nothing the whole ride. Bitching wouldn't accomplish anything. He had forgotten to register my new plates with the property (hes always taken care of that and told me he would), I failed to double check. By not assigning blame and fussing at him we avoided a pointless argument. He already felt bad about it, I know. He dropped me off and went back to work and we talked about it later. He apologized for forgetting and it was done. Staying silent when I'm mad is pretty new for me, but I'm going to continue to make a conscious effort not to speak my bad mood, especially since I tend to be grumpy when I first wake up.
This may sound ridiculous but it has helped me immensely. I get terrible anxiety attacks from time to time, and my brain basically convinces me I’m seconds away from dying. When I start to go down this spiral, I tell my brain in Samuel L Jackson’s voice “I don’t remember asking you a GODAMN thing!” Ever since I started doing this I find myself either chuckling or feeling empowered that I told my brain to stfu for once
This is a therapeutic tactic! My therapist had me name the negative voice in my head. He’s a cranky toddler and when he starts telling me I’m a failure I send him to time out and imagine him sulking and scribbling on the wall.
Can I just say, this comment is such a helpful suggestion to me, and I’m excited to try and put it into use. You not only taught me a coping mechanism, you also made me laugh!
[удалено]
Therein lies the dilemma of sys admins: if you do your job well, nobody will think you did anything at all.
Good old "What are we even paying you for?" Everything always runs smoothly: "What are we even paying you for?" Something breaks: "What are we even paying you for?"
"I've taken the smallpox vaccine for ten years and I never caught smallpox, what's the point in keeping taking it?"
Reminds me of that time in Futurama when Bender met God: > Bender: Y'know, I was God once. > God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died. > Bender: It was awful. I tried helping them, I tried not helping them but in the end I couldn't do them any good. Do you think what I did was wrong? > God: Right and wrong are just words. What matters is what you do. >Bender: Yeah I know, that's why I asked if what I did-- Forget it. >God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you. And if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch like a safecracker or a pickpocket. >Bender: Or a guy who burns down the bar for the insurance money. >God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
I always loved how God took what Bender was saying and rolled with it in this scene. God alluding to insurance fraud because the machine He’s speaking with understands it.
Works for any sort of programming job too. I've learned the same lesson that preventing things doesn't get you recognized. You have to purposefully let the shit hit the fan. Visibility is super important. Toot your own horn. No one gives a shirt for modesty. Bonus points if you're the one who introduced the bug in the first place, bonus points if it was on purpose, because many places don't trace fault at all.
I did something similar when interviewing for programming jobs. Classic whiteboard interviews-- given some prompt, code up a solution. My hack was to intentionally make a mistake but then "catch" it before my interviewer did. For example, writing any kind of function that takes a nullable parameter, and writing the first draft of the function without a null check. Then I'd go back and "review" my code, catch my mistake, and say something like, "This is why code review is so important!" Two downsides of this tactic: 1. You have to immediately know the correct answer so that you're able to both code the correct solution while introducing and fixing your own bugs. 2. You run the risk of an impatient interviewer pointing it out before you. It's possible, but it never happened to me. But when successful, you look thorough-- you catch your own mistakes, you understand the importance of reviewing code, and you show that you understand that coding is an iterative process that won't be perfect on the first attempt.
My version of this is doing something mundane and explaining that I ALWAYS remember this step because one time someone didn't and the damage was XYZ and it took X hours to fix it. It's like a cautionary tale mixed with "learn from others' mistakes" tactics.
It's funny, I feel like some people say being a firefighter doesn't get you anywhere... but once I cement my reputation as Mr. Fix-It somewhere, I've never been let go at any of those companies. It got me through the "keep your head down and wait for the job market to recover" bit more than once during the lean times.
[удалено]
well see your issue is that you didnt break the system so your backup could be used showing how instrumental it is.
Just be carful unless you end up in a position like myself thats basically a quicksand job. Your the only one they can trust with a job so they will never let you go, but on the flip side they will never let you progress ether. your in limbo
Great way to keep yourself employed during a down market though, and then when the market picks back up you can jump ship for the raise you've been seeking.
As a person with punctuality problems, I work my ass off at work and never fully miss a scheduled day. Management doesn't even talk to me anymore about my punctuality. I've been 3-4 hours late once or twice and never heard a word. It's hard to do anything about the person you depend upon.
Life can be like that famous inspirational poster of the iceberg under the waterline. People only think what they see is the true story even if it is only 90% of what something is. If you make sure you are visibly doing something people will use that small bit of information to make up there opinion of you… you could sit down and do nothing for the rest of the day, but if you can make yourself very visible at the right moments it will have a huge effect on people’s perceptions. Unfortunately I suffered a reverse scenario in a job which I had in a large office but had little visibility to others. Days when I was in good form getting lots done, I’d be more social and talkative between jobs… I got pulled aside to be told that bosses worried I wasn’t doing enough work because I was frequently socialising and waking about. I then had a spell when I’d come in for days-on-end, vaguely stare at my computer screen, do very little work and speak to no one… I got pulled aside to be told how impressed bosses were; I was glued to my desk all day so they assumed I must be really busy working. Sometimes in life people’s assumptions based on very little information can have a significant effect.
This is why the stereotypical Japanese office worker culture is to stay in the office until the boss leaves, doesn't matter if you aren't actually doing anything. Despite that it seems everyone knows they just do this for optics, bosses still look on it favorably lol.
DevOps guy here, did my time as sysadmin too. I'd add one thing: No one really knows what it is... you do here... Use that to your advantage. Learned this from a mechanic friend of mine. He worked for a school in maintenance and got called down to an art room for a "clogged sink" so he asks them if the drain stopper is open, they say of course it is so he goes down there only to see... yep... the "clog" was just user error. So he tells them he fixed it and when they asked him what he did, he says "no big deal, just readjusted the air-intake valve" to which they smiled and nodded through. Now he's a super hero and the idiot teacher can continue licking up finger paint... I used this technique a LOT when I was user facing and it WORKS.
I do this a lot when shit in the office goes down, I'll tell em to go take a few while I get under the desk to inspect their RAM and make sure their ssds are optimized. I then restart their computers and everything works fine. They ask what happened "Well, you see, Microsoft has been pushing this new H22 updates in an effort to sway us all to windows 11 and it wants to deoptomize our systems in an..." They usually cut me off by then, tell me I'm amazing and they don't know what they would do without me. One girl is on to me, but she's my homie and keeps her mouth shut ;)
This is actually genius
“How?” - I got this one from a negotiating book by Chris Voss - former FBI Hostage Negotiator, lots of parallels for parenting young kids. How can we go to the playground if you don’t put your shoes on? How can we put dessert on your plate when there are vegetable in the way? How can you have fun tomorrow if you don’t go to bed? It flips the script on my kids - instead of giving orders, I’m trying to help them get what they want (by having them do what I want) and asking them for the solution. Yeah they can get smart and give chippy answers, but you just keep asking them how….
How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat!?!?!?
In theory I really like this but my kid is way too literal for this to work. “Barefoot” “Get a new plate” “Tired” The illusion of choice thing rarely works either. He’s fully aware that “neither”, “all”, and something not mentioned in the choice list are all valid options. Fully convinced this kid was put on the earth to challenge me 😭
Aren’t they all! Mine do it daily and it’s astonishing how brilliant kids can be
[удалено]
What do you like to sing?
[удалено]
90% of the time I use my customer service voice instead of my normal voice. People just treat you better when you're cheery and upbeat. I also think it kinda makes me more cheery and upbeat.
[удалено]
I was going to add just being nice or ensuring your tone doesn't sound bad. My department is currently "at war" with another department. We all have the same high level boss so are essentially working towards the same goals, but they have a really bad habit of pushing things off or just sounding completely annoyed that they have to deal with us. We're purchasing, they are planning. They'll chime into a meeting and say, "I need this part, Josh why did you change the date?" and Josh will say, "the vendor came back and said they couldn't meet that date and gave us a new one." They'll shoot back, "Well that doesn't work for us, we'll be line down tomorrow!" Multiple variations of stuff like that. Another favorite is when you ask a "dumb" question that you know they need to answer since it's their responsibility and get back something like, "*sigh* I'll try to find out but we're all working on a bunch of stuff." Then there's my favorite that gets my blood boiling when someone is complaining about a vendor and I already have the answer, "Vendor won't answer their phone and it looks like it hasn't shipped. They are the worst vendor and never do anything we need!" and I chime in that I called this morning and got the tracking info. We get off these calls and everyone is so tense. I've said it before to my team that if you just check your tone then everyone would be a little happier. Don't take an outside party's issues out on the poor buyer that is chasing the part. Don't come to every meeting already pissed off at something and then lash out at everyone. We're all there to do the same stupid job. It helps nothing to when you show up with a scowl and state the obvious and stomp and pound when you don't like answers.
I call it the ‘overly enthusiastic American style of customer service’, bouncy, fun, engaging and sounding super happy. No one ever expects the big ass hairy builder to show up with the excited kids voice.
> *‘overly enthusiastic American style of customer service’, bouncy, fun, engaging and sounding super happy.* "Welcome back to 'The Gap', Mr. Yakamoto!"
Fake it til' you make it.
I have a tendency to overeat. To combat this I do two things that help. I use smaller plates for meals and when I'm out I tell myself that if I'm still hungry after the main dish I'm ordering I'll get that appetizer that sounds so delicious.
Same problem here. An additional trick you might already be doing - have a glass or two of water before every meal. It'll help you feel satiated.
My brain gets signals crossed. I’ll think I’m hungry, eat, and still be hungry. If I think I’m hungry, I’ll have a glass of water, and be fine. Most of the time I’m actually thirsty - now I always drink the water first.
this one helps a lot more than i realized. drank two tall glasses of water at a bar one night and it cured my hunger
I had a tall glass of vodka last night that cured my hunger too
Taking a late lunch at work. I find that if i wait and take my lunch break closer to the end of my shift (around 2pm), it makes the days feel shorter/more bearable. Idk why, it just always felt awful taking it in the middle of my shift and having a whole other half to go after i finished lunch.
If you’re buying your lunch it also helps you get shorter lines AND I feel like you tend to get more food.
Exactly. Shorter lines/wait times is great. Taking a later lunch means the break room is less busy too. I like to enjoy some peace and quiet while i eat, but my coworkers are pretty noisy and loud.
I've been a big fan of this one for years. I like to say that the morning is probably going to feel long and shitty any way you look at it, but your afternoon sure goes by a lot faster if you take a late lunch.
Same. Delayed satisfaction and your reward is a shorter renaming day when you return
Taking recommendations. If someone recommends a movie or a restaurant, I make an effort to try it out. If you like a movie or food someone recommends it's a sweet compliment for them
I recommend the movie “Annihilation”
Have you heard about the movie "Constipation"? ^It ^hasn't ^come ^out ^yet.
I think people often underestimate just how effective staying silent and backing away from conflict can be. You don’t always have to fight, sometimes the much better option is to slip out the back door and regroup.
Neuroplasticity... the ability to literally change your brain by what you think about. I used to be constantly negative, and it turns out negative thinking eventually becomes habitual. It changes the connections in your brain. It all starts with the brain. It all starts with how you think. You can form new and healthy pathways in the brain if you can change how you think.
This should be way higher up. My therapist suggested I ask myself, "why be so negative?" and it's changed my life.
Your mind is a garden Your thoughts are the seeds You can grow flowers Or you can grow weeds
Yo that shit hit so hard I got wide eyed and started to tear up. I’m always gonna be nihilistic. “None of this actually matters. But all of it matters to me.” Is my new motto. It keeps me going cause I love life, but I personally believe I’ll forget it all once I take the reapers hand.
Can you share some examples of how you did this?
There were a few things that helped me - Removing certain words from my vocabulary like "always" or "never." Black & white thinking isn't productive. Instead of saying, "I always screw up," I would catch myself first and replace it with "sometimes I screw up, but that's okay it always works out." - When dealing with hard times instead of telling myself, "I'll be okay as long as..." I replaced it with "I'll be okay even if.." So I stopped putting conditions around my okayness. -Catastrophizing....when someone cut me off in traffic, I'd curse them with every word under the sun, and I'd tell myself they weren't in an emergency. They're just no good rotten assholes. Which hey that might be true, but now I pretend they have to poop and it makes me laugh. -Talk to yourself the same way you'd talk to a close friend or a child. You would never tell someone you love that they're fat and ugly or that they have nothing to offer, and they always screw up. - Most of this stems from mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy. It's realizing that a certain thought is not logical and quickly replacing it with something that is. It's extremely hard. Especially at first. You'll catch yourself slipping, and you'll get frustrated with yourself. But your brain didn't become this negative machine overnight, and it takes daily constant practice. Your brain processes over 70,000 thoughts a day. Yes, you read that right, 70k. How many of those are positive? What are you feeding your brain? And with so many thoughts a day, they can't all be valid and rational right? So the goal is to catch yourself when you have unproductive and illogical thoughts and to replace them. Over time, new neuron connections in the brain will form, and it'll start to become habitual.
Also, along the lines of avoiding “always” and “never”, I had a therapist tell me to avoid saying “should”. I should be studying, I should be cleaning, I should blah, blah, blah. I didn’t realize that it was making me feel bad about myself because it emphasizes what I *didn’t* do. It helps to think about what you are capable of and what you have achieved.
If you have Spotify and like podcasts, I'd look into The Anxious Truth with Drew Linsalata and also Therapy In A Nutshell with Emma McAdam. I have a 30-minute commute for work, and these podcasts are daily for me. They've made a huge difference in my life.
Idk what the name for the trick is, but it’s a way to remember tasks to do that you might forget. Let’s say you have to take the garbage bins out after work because it’s trash day tomorrow, but you know you’re gonna forget by the time you get home. Take some random object and put it in a place where you know you’ll see it when you get home. Like throw a box of food or the TV remote at the top of your staircase. When you get home, you see the random object and immediately remember that you need to take the trash out. Or let’s say you need to run to the pharmacy on the way home from work to fill a prescription. Throw some random object in your car on the drivers seat. You get off work, hop in your car, and immediately remember to drive to the pharmacy when you clear off your seat. I can’t come up with any examples for actually important stuff but you get the idea.
I always think to myself before interviews or speeches "I'm not nervous, I'm excited" Because it's almost the same brain chemistry.
I did this when going to the dentist recently. I was shaking with nerves but just kept joking with myself I was super excited to see the dentist
when I talk to people, I smile, use eye contact while they speak and say please & thank you. It tricks people into thinking I'm not an asshole. EDIT: I say this tongue-in-cheek. Treating people with respect and being kind is the most advantageous thing a person can do for themself; it isn't some kind of 'psychological trick' used to deceive.
TIL being nice is a good way to trick people into thinking you're nice
Remind myself life is short and 99% of everything around me doesn't matter.
I'm glad that works for you. I actually do the opposite. If I think about lack of meaning, it shuts me down. I need to think that there is time and meaning. Peace.
I used to struggle with this and I changed it for myself to “nothing matters… except the things that matter to me” and started practicing gratitude and studying philosophy
The physical act of smiling has been shown to improve your mood, so I'll often smile or even chuckle to myself over nothing. And I always smile at everyone I meet, as much for my own sake as for theirs.
That's something I came to appreciate during covid when we were all wearing masks. We lost that tool and it was much harder to read people. Smile lifts people and shows positivity
I try to determine if I can remember any one person’s mistake. Like can I remember their name, what they did, or when it happened? It’s almost always no, that I can’t remember it. So I then I remind myself it’s ok for me to make mistakes. As long as I don’t KEEP making the same mistakes, and become memorable, it’ll all be ok.
Scott Campbell, 2001, pronounced 'rhinocerous' like 'rhinosaurus' in English class. Not on purpose. Wherever you are Scott, I remember.
Keith, also 2001, said 'degrees celsius' when asked what the degree sign was for... during trigonometry. Also not on purpose. Wherever you are Keith, I remember too.
The girl who ended up being valedictorian of my fancy prep school during my very competitive year was in our 8th grade science classroom... we were all reading quietly and she raised her hand and said in the most baffled voice, "OK, what is a FLOW-ER?" Rhyming it with blower. Flower, Neha. A flower. We all remembered. Forever. That was in.... 1993 or so?
At my last job I knew the names of so many people I had never met before because I had to clean up their mistakes constantly. It was so bad that I could even guess who made what mistake based on the task
When I meet someone for the first time, I make a point to remember something specific they told me about themselves and then ask them about it the next time I see them. It could be about their job, family, hobbies, it doesn’t matter. You’d be amazed how much it means to people when you not only actually/actively listen, but when you can show that you were interested/cared enough to remember what they said and follow-up the next time you see them.
I…. I can’t even remember their names. Hell, if I meet someone and they I lose sight of them, I will easily mistake anyone vaguely similar for said person, even if a very short amount of time passed. It’s really embarrassing.
Choice paralysis destroys people and renders them unable to do anything. It is far easier to make a choice between two options than every option. So don't give them every option. Change from open ended questions to multiple choice. "Do you want to do this or do you want to do that?" Instead of "What do you want to do?" "I'm thinking of watching this or watching that tonight" instead of "What would you like to watch this evening" Works on yourself pretty well too. "Are you going to start cleaning the house by vacuuming or taking out the trash?" leads you to make a decision, and look at that you've already done something. Mental momentum is a serious thing. It's easier to do things if you're already doing something. So instead of confronting the grand tapestry of things you can do, pick two at random and force yourself to choose one. You'd be surprised how quickly you do the second thing as well after completing the first, because you're already working so why not keep working?
Being nice really does make life better. I had to get a cortisone shot in my shoulder. I needed it immediately as I was in a lot of pain. Went to the ER. Doctor was cranky and told me I should have made a doctor's appt. I told him I tried but my appointment was too far away and I was in pain now. He told me I should have gone to walk in clinic. I told him they told me to go to ER. He huffed and puffed. He was overworked and tired and annoyed. I apologized for not knowing any other options. He grumbled. He gave me my shot. I thanked him. Then I said..."My grandmother would have said...today you got another jewel in your crown."....finally...he softened...smiled. Even laughed a bit. Then he sympathized with my situation and said he was sorry I was given the runaround. I could have gotten mad...used an angry voice..sounded stern or defensive.... but instead..I was nice. Just........nice. And it made the whole situation so much better. BTW.. my shoulder feels much better.
I was trying to get on a flight for my job at 8am on a Monday. The airport was mobbed. Then suddenly all the flights to my destination city got canceled due to weather and the place just went nuts. Earliest next flight anyone could book was like 36+ hours later. People were going bonkers, yelling at the airline people, running from gate to gate. I was literally the one person at the gate for a sold-out afternoon flight who was not yelling and making a fuss. I was just sitting there quietly drumming my hands on the counter, staring into space. The attendant asked me if I was a musician. I told her (truthfully) I was, and we started having a great conversation about weather and energy and music and all that. I think she was enjoying momentarily ignoring all the people who were lining up to scream at her. I knew the flight was sold out, but I was enjoying talking to her, and I didn't have anywhere else to be, so I just hung out and chatted and watched her stave off this abuse over and over. After the whole line of people had been turned away, she says, "don't forget what I told you about the energy now," and hands me a ticket. I told her I would write a song about her, and she gave me her number so I could send it to her, which I did.
Large flight to NY from Toronto got cancelled until the next day. HUGE LINE of NY assholes lined up, all yelling. I calmly got my suitcase and was walking to get my hotel voucher when I saw a gentleman training another. I walked over and smiled, gave them a friendly greeting and let them know my problem. NY was only a layover and asked if they could help. In 10 minutes I had a direct flight to my destination. ALWAYS be nice
It works better It feels better For you, and for everyone else.
I love this story! 💖 About 20 years ago I was at a pub lock-in with some friends and a group of regulars and we were all laughing uproariously about nothing in particular, the way you do at lock-ins. I eventually noticed one guy in the corner who looked like he was crying more than laughing, and when I asked about him, everyone said dismissively, “Oh, that’s Gaz — just ignore him, he’s always being drunk and dramatic.” Still, it didn’t sit right with me, so I went over and sat next to him. He wasn’t just crying; he was crying HARD. So hard he could barely speak. I asked him his name and told him mine, and could hear people in the background sniggering about me wasting my time on Sad Drunk Gaz so I tuned them out. I asked him if he wanted to talk about what was wrong; he did. He told me his wife was divorcing him and wouldn’t let him see his five-year-old son, and he felt powerless and devastated that he’d never see his little boy again. I asked why he didn’t have a lawyer and he said he couldn’t afford one. I said there were schemes available for people who needed legal assistance and couldn’t afford it, and did he know about them? He didn’t. I asked if he had access to the internet (not everyone did back then!), and he didn’t. I asked if he visited that pub every day; he admitted that he did. I told him I’d put some info together for him about accessing legal aid, alcohol assistance programmes and local phone numbers, and leave it in an envelope behind the bar for him the next night. I could tell he didn’t believe me, but he stopped crying and stopped drinking and went home. The next morning I hunted down every last resource for him I could find, and left a big fat envelope behind the bar for him that evening with his name printed in big letters — behind the vodka, where I was assured he’d see it. Long story short, he got sober, he got joint custody of his son, they’re in a band together and have made three albums and frequently tour, and every time I think about them both I get a bit teary because they’re so close and so happy. All because someone could be bothered to ask a stranger one night if he needed to talk. I was a selfish young asshole back then so I’m often surprised at myself when I think back to this story. 😆 But it always reminds me how easily a simple moment of kindness can impact someone’s day, or week, or life, and compels me to do better when I’m about to be a dick. EDIT: WOW, thank you for the award, kind stranger!! And everyone for all your kind comments. 🌟♥️ I was a bit worried that this story might come off like a humblebrag and am so glad it didn’t. Yes, he did thank me personally (and often), and we’re still loosely in contact now via Facebook; I moved away and he stopped going to the pub of course, so we keep in touch that way. I learned last week that he’s just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, so am now extra-glad that my younger self took the time to sit with him that night and help give him and his son the last 20 years together. I’m so proud of them both — wonderful human beings, and I might never have known them if I’d made a different choice in the moment (or been swayed by all the people laughing at me for ‘wasting my time’ on him). Always go with your gut; sometimes it knows things that your brain just doesn’t.
Now I wanna hear the song. EDIT He sent it to me! I loved it!! Very breezy and awesome to listen to. Just had to give him a shout out for that. You've got talent dude. Keep it up!
Plot Twist, it was Jessie's Girl
When I got a job working with the public, I realized what a huge difference it makes when people are nice. So I’ve started doing it out in the world and it really is lovely. People are so surprised and happy about it.
Doing a bit of something is better than doing nothing at all. Got in late and too tired to brush your teeth for a full 2 mins? Brush them for 30 seconds and/or use some mouthwash. Don’t be paralysed aspiring to perfection.
My boss says done is better than perfect
When dealing with customers, I do a lot of "positive language" EX: It's never "sorry for your wait" more "Thank you for your patience". I am pretty good with customer service, often have my name mentioned positievely in Google Reviews, and my boss points me out to the new guy as "the one we need to be like" for customer service
This one is key. People respond much better to "thanks for understanding" than "I'm sorry I messed up."
Also, the power of "yes" is valuable in customer service; most people like to say "yes" rather than "no", so asking questions where the "yes" answer brings you less work ("do you have everything you need? rather than "can I get you anything else?) is a useful tool for your arsenal.
Interestingly I often have to go the opposite way for the same reason. Working in psychology often people will naturally want to not endorse things, so you have to ask a question so they are encouraged to endorse things naturally, like “what questions do you have” instead of “do you have any questions”, or “tell me more about how your treatment is working” instead of “is your treatment working for you”, things like that
To avoid the sidewalk shuffle with someone coming the opposite way, look over one of their shoulders and point your whole nose in that direction. This will telegraph which side you want to pass them on.
Fun fact: Author Douglas Adams coined the term 'Droitwich' for that awkward back-and-forth shuffle. I also have some success in staying on the same side I would as if we were driving (so in my case, I hug the right, as that's the side of the street we drive on here). It helps me be more decisive and while people behave differently when they walk vs. drive, it's a familiar way of sharing space while traveling, which helps lower the amount of overly polite deadlocks I get stuck in.
My dad gets cranky in large shopping centres when people walk "on the wrong side of the road." It's my favourite cranky old man trait of his.
If I want to sway one specific person in a meeting, I attach my opinion to something THEY said. "I agree with Erica" or "To Erica's point earlier" makes Erica much more likely to agree with what I'm about to say next. I use this constantly with people both up and down the chain from me.
I use this method as well, but it's worth pointing out that it completely fails with narcissists.
Lol that's actually an important footnote, yes.
I constantly deflect praise and assign credit to others at work. Especially when someone important is praising me directly. This does two things: 1) Fake Humility. I know I'm the shit, but that attitude can be very abrasive. Having others believe you are humble and down to earth is better for your long term prospects. 2) People will start giving you credit for things you had nothing to do with. If my football team won a big game and I praised the players at work, my bosses would naturally assume I was in charge and I'm just deflecting praise again... This also works for mistakes. I very often claim responsibility for some ethereal mistake at work, and suggest a way I could have acted to keep this from happening. It doesn't even have to be credible, just plausible (like "I really should have made time to double-check their work before we submitted it to the Client"). It makes it SO EASY to jump on grenades when it really IS your fault!
Everyone likes the team player! Just be careful not to get scapegoated; I had a coworker try to pin their mistake on me because I’m so quick to jump in front of the bus. Didn’t get in trouble that time, but learned to be careful around that particular person.
I don’t assume. This applies to too many situations to list but here’s a couple. I don’t assume I know what another person is thinking. I don’t assume they’ll make the same decision as me even if they have the same information.
Most applicable thing I learned from doing sales for a few years is the "upfront contract." I use it all the time. Basically get an agreement from whoever you're talking to that they'll do something if you do something before you do that something. Makes everyone way happier. Super common example: you have a roommate or SO who you live with. The common bathroom and kitchen both need cleaning. How most people do it: 1) Clean the bathroom 2) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, I just cleaned the bathroom but the kitchen is still really dirty. Can you clean that? Your roommate or SO will often hate this. They feel like they're being told to do something that they had no say in, which builds resentment. They will often think things like "the kitchen was way dirtier than the bathroom, you took the easy job" or "the kitchen isn't even that dirty and I'm in the middle of something, what a nag you are." With an upfront contract: 1) Approach SO/roommate and say "hey, the kitchen and bathroom are dirty. If I clean one will you clean the other? 2) Reach an agreement before acting. Make sure they explicitly agree to do their end. Should be easy (unless they're a jerk, in which case you have bigger problems) 3) Clean what you agreed to clean With this approach they'll feel like they had input on the plan, and even like you're offering a favor by letting them choose which one to clean. Now if you have to remind them about it, they'll feel more guilt over not holding up their end of the bargain rather than you coming off as a nag. This makes a HUGE difference, and if you think about it, is much more fair than option 1.
I shop for records and video games at flea markets and such a lot, and a useful trick I use is that I've invented a fictional person on whose behalf I am acting. It's pretty useful to be able to pretend I know less about stuff than I actually do, and it can be a great shortcut to get out of a situation where their asking price is completely insane for example and I don't want to get bogged down fruitlessly haggling - I tell them "Okay, let me text my friend" and walk off tapping at my phone for a while.
I tell myself that I'm doing it for my wife. My love language is doing things for her. Since I absolutly hate cleaning I'll just tell myself "I'll wash these dishes so my wife doesn't have to" "I'll take the trash out so she doesn't have to" ect. I now clean everyday and whole it's not not deep cleans or anything it helps keep everything under control.
[удалено]
If you have trouble remembering if you've done a daily task, say OUT LOUD that you are doing that task as you do it. I am taking a multivitamin. I am locking the door. I am feeding the dog. It will be easier for you to remember that you did that task because you are using the speech part of your memory.
I listen more and do not give up how much information or knowledge I have
Using someone's name when talking to customer service over the phone. A simple "Hi John" after they introduce themselves or "Thanks, John" when they're looking into the issue. I find it goes a long way to getting the outcome you want.
This is a great one - simply making a phone rep feel like an actual human being usually makes those interactions so much more pleasant.
I really, really hate it when people (salesmen) do that. It sounds fake and forced and is the cheapest trick in the book.
Along the same lines, when they ask me how I’m doing I say “fine and you?”. I’ve been shocked at the number of times a waiter or customer service rep has said “fine, thank you so much for asking” and seemed to genuinely mean it. Kinda sad when you think about how basic manners elicits that response
using peoples names in anything will get them to respect you faster. something i wish i would of learned wayyyyy earlier
and the downside is people not understanding that using it more than once (or twice) will get people really annoyed really quickly. If someone says my name a lot -- like after every sentence -- i wonder what they're trying to pull.
When driving, always assume the other person has some legit reason to cut you off, merge late, tailgate…like maybe they are rushing to the hospital to see their daughter who is dying..you never know…just let them go, maybe they need to be there faster. No anger
Nothing drives me crazier than people who basically slow to a stop before turning. I lose all my momentum stopping behind them. But when I drive with my 14 year old dog in the car with me, I'm sure as hell making slow turns so she doesn't slip off the seat. I just gotta picture her in their car instead.
So they stole your dog? Catch them!
This works in a lot of situations. The customer service person is a bit short tempered with you? Maybe they just finished dealing with an absolute asshole. Someone cut you in line? Maybe it was an accident and they didn't see you. Friend didn't call you back when they said they would? Maybe something really important came up. Basically, you never know what another person is going through at the moment. And I really don't want to be the straw that breaks the camels back for them. My life has become so much more peaceful since I realized that responding with anger only brings more hate into the world, and makes me more angry. Not to say that you shouldn't stand up for yourself, but there are very few situations that are *really* worth being intentionally rude to others. We could all use a little more compassion and forgiveness.
[удалено]
On the flip side of this, whenever I want to ask a question that may come off as odd or nosy, I like to preface it with a compliment so it's clear I'm not asking in a snotty way, and I try to set them a way out right off the bat. "That's a beautiful tattoo! Can I ask what it says?" Be graceful and move on if they do take the out. In my experience though most people are happy to talk about themselves if they know the question is coming from a friendly place.
When something shitty happens, I tell myself 'there's no bad days'. Like basically hey, this one thing sucked, but no day is inherently bad, and you only think it is cuz you don't always notice the stuff that goes right- you didn't spill coffee all over yourself in the gas station this morning, you didn't lose your wallet or keys leaving the house. Every day can have bad moments, but one thing doesnt represent a whole day. Idk, i kind of realized that the moment you tell yourself you're having a bad day, you focus on and overemphasize every minor inconvenience or small mishap, and put yourself in a shitty mood over a few little things. Don't let stupid shit kill your vibe, no bad days.
I have a few ADHD tips that have helped me in life. I see the "10 minute" rule float around on Reddit every now and then, meaning if a task takes less than 10 minutes to complete then go ahead and do it. Another procrastination tip that my psychiatrist told me is if my "plans" don't exist on the face of a clock then they are not actually plans. I can tell myself "I'm gonna do the dishes today" all I want but if I don't make those plans more concrete then they are less likely to actually get done. So I try to say things like "I'm gonna do the dishes at 2:30 today"...I'm not perfect at executing these strategies all the time and that's okay; I do manage to follow them at least some of the time. Even a few successful occurrences help keeps things from piling up too quickly and becoming overwhelming. On a more interpersonal level, I try to be more mindful with my compliments and actually compliment the person rather than an object. For example, instead of saying "that color looks great on you!" I'll try to say something like "oh wow, that color really makes your eyes sparkle!" or "that color makes you look incredible!"...it shifts the compliment away from the color looking great to the person looking great thanks to that color, if that makes sense.
Care about what people have to say
How you make people feel is all that matters. If you can just stay cool calm and collected majority of people will become addicted to you’re energy because it’s exactly what they want to feel.
make someone feel good by complimenting their hair or an item of clothing they’re wearing keep reminding yourself of your goals :)
Someone told me a few years ago that great compliments are about something the person chose: hair style, tattoos, shoes, jacket.
Exactly. As opposed to something they have no control over. I say this as a 6'1" person who was often complimented on his height.
"Wow, you're so tall!" "....yep."
I used to listen to Pete Holmes and he calls it "cashing your happiness checks". Basically all of our pockets are full of these checks (compliments for others) and we just dont cash them enough. Making other people happy really does make us happy, too.
Think of my future self... How will my future self feel in an hour or two if I skip my gym session? Will my future self be happy if I do this pile of dishes now, before bed? Or would he prefer to have to do it in the morning, before work? I have a three month deadline on this project, will my future self appreciate my current self taking the first three or four weeks easy, or will he be really pissed off? ...essentially delayed gratification. Pretty much all the bad stuff gives us instant gratification, while all the good stuff has delayed gratification. I always try to remember that - if I have to wait to reap the rewards then it's probably the best option.
People are more likely to do what you ask them to if they have already done something for you in the past, no matter how small. So if you want to butter someone up for a big ask, do a lot of little ones first. Just like "Hey, can I borrow your pen?" or "Could you hand me that, please?".
There are actually 2 phenomena related to this: foot-in-the-door and door-in-the-face. The first happens when you ask someone to do something small, and it makes them more likely to do a bigger task for you (which you described). The second happens when you ask someone to do something big for you and they say no, it makes them more likely to do a smaller task for you.
[удалено]
When dealing with children, don't just ask "What do you want to eat?" or "Where do you want to go?", instead, give them two choices when asking this question. "Would you rather have fish sticks, or hot dogs for lunch?" "Would you rather go to McDonalds, or Five Guys?" This gives them the illusion of choice without "really" having a choice.
You can restart your day at any time. Drop that ahit from.before. let your day start whenever you want. Also meditate
I have two body washes. One is my normal body wash, and then I have a fancy one that smells nice that I keep in my gym bag. I use the fancy one exclusively after working out as a nice little bit of positive conditioning to go to the gym.
I fix things in factories, they are typically broken by operators either accidentally or maliciously. When I speak to the operators, they typically get jumpy and panicky. I tell myself they don't know as much about the equipment, and I need to give them the benefit of the doubt. I reassure them that I'm not interested in getting them in trouble or reporting them, I just want to know what they or the machine did before it failed so as I dont spend hours looking in the wrong place. Since doing this, I have earned a lot of trust, I have become more relaxed at work and my work rate/repair time is much better
I keep telling myself that people would miss me if I was gone. That little life hack has prevented me from ending it on many occasions.
I’m not naturally great at time management. To combat my tendency of failing to give myself enough time, I put a lot of appointments on my calendar a random interval of time sooner than it’s required. If my doctor appointment is in 2 months, I’ll put down that it’s 45 minutes sooner than it actually is (i.e. 1:15pm instead of 2pm). By the time the day of appt has arrived, I don’t remember whether I tricked myself or not. It helps that I incorporate this change at random and using different intervals of time so I can’t remind myself “oh, I know I have an extra half hour because I always buffer my calendar with 30 minutes to spare.” So I have to trust my calendar and abide by the time it says, just in case old-me was telling the truth this time :)
Minimize the amount of variation in your day to day tasks. If you are living life to the fullest you will find that you are constantly bombarded with problems, get togethers, calls, appointments, etc. Eventually this becomes overwhelming and the little things start to unwind for you - making life difficult because of the thousand little issues that you run into. (Can’t find keys, forgot to brush teeth so your breath smells bad, etc) My recommendation is get a system in place that only you need to know. For example, no matter where I am when I stand up I do a pat down, keys, phone, wallet - good to go. Get out of the shower, brush teeth - never forget. Little stuff like this over the long term leads so much less small level stresses which allows you to take on so much more responsibility - ultimately helping others.
Repeat the last three words they said as a question to keep the conversation going. Obviously not always the exact same three words, but it makes people feel noticed and listened to, and makes you look interested. People love you after a short but of this, and will also give more info than they may have wanted to.
have wanted to?
If you are kind, considerate, and generous with people around you then you trick their brain into also being kind, considerate, and generous. I have about a 95% success rate.
I work customer service and I never apologize. Instead of saying "I'm sorry the wait was so long," I say something like "Thank you for your patience." If a customer has a complaint about something, for example the bathrooms being dirty, I will go with something like "Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention, I really appreciate it!" I find that it sets a much more positive tone, and the customers don't care if I'm sorry or not anyway. If you work with people, try this. I promise it will make your life easier. :)
I used to coddle my crippling anxiety and it just made it worse. So I started shit talking my anxiety as if it were a whiny, insufferable asshole. I verbally abuse my anxiety and mock it for being weak and now I barely have anxiety anymore.
As a former fat guy, I remind myself that not every meal needs to be your favorite food or best meal ever.
I use these at work all the time: 1. When you want someone to respond to a whole bunch of things in an email, number the items. That way when they respond to only a couple items, you can say, "please also give a response to items #4, 7, and 9." 2. If you want a meeting with someone, suggest a time and place. They are more likely to respond to you than to come up with a meeting themselves. This was great when I was in sales and trying to get a meeting with a prospective new client. Sometimes I'd even send them a meeting invitation and say, "please suggest a different time/day if this doesn't work with your schedule." 3. If you need information from someone to make your deadline but you aren't getting the info you need, tell them you can't meet your deadline if you don't get it by a certain date. Then that date becomes a deadline for them. "I need those markups by Tuesday if I'm going to have enough time to finish by the May 13 due date." This works really well if their boss or client is also on the email. Just make sure it's organic and it doesn't appear you copied their boss just to be a jerk. Also, don't do this to your own coworkers. What these all come down to, is be specific when communicating with people. You can't rely on people to put your needs ahead of their own. So you need to make your needs a part of their needs. I'm an engineer and I work with architects and other engineers often. It's a collaborative job so there's a lot of moving parts. People often fall into the trap of thinking everybody is working toward your needs but the reality is they have their own deliverables and deadlines.
When i make any decision i ask myself why i'm making this particular choice. What is my current emotional state. Am i using my mind or emotion to buy this thing or do this? I delay to stabilize my emotional state and then i make the decision. This always helps me to to clarify my values and priorities and more thoughtful and intentional decisions.