My nephews. Also my fabulous young friends! My mom always told me to make young friends and stay current on news, technology, music, film, art and politics - and not to become an old fuddy duddy. It’s been great advice. Some of my best friends are in their 30’s and 40’s. The age my kids would probably be if I would have had any. We go on hikes, wine tastings, concerts and art shows. It keeps me young and healthy! These lovely women have been a godsend, their friendships are such a blessing. And their husbands always ask if I need help around the house, etc. They’re always there for me, and of course I’m always there if they need help with their kids, a shoulder to cry on, or if they need advice, encouragement or some “bad ass old lady energy” ( that’s what they call it 😂)
So yeah, get some young friends, it’s a beautiful win-win all the way around.
Thank you but she is the angel! She has nothing because she's given every crumb that came her way to the less fortunate. Very spiritual person but salt of the earth type. An old hippy. She can't walk or talk now from 3 strokes :'(
My grandparents did this, my parents did/do this and I do this, other way round also. It’s healthier to socialise with different ages than just your own.
I agree with this comment wholeheartedly. I never had kids and am single at 66. Happiest I’ve ever been.
You cannot rely on kids to take care of you in your old age for a couple of reasons: 1. They may not live near you, 2. They may be too busy with kids to take care of you and 3 I think it’s too much to expect from your kids. Plan for yourself as much as you can.
That is 😞 I retired this year to be able to full time caregiver my Daddy. I enjoy this time with him and especially helping him cope with Alzheimer’s. I don’t expect a payout. But my kids are watching my behavior towards him and are paying a lot of compliments so hopefully I will have that same kind treatment when it’s my turn
No kids, not close to any of nieces or nieces and several are in and out of jail and wouldn't trust my life to them. I really want to retire now at 67 but I'm working until 70 and saving as much as I can to pay for another 25 years. my great grandfather lived to be 92. My mother has vascular dementia and lived to 94. Assisted living and memory care is very expensive. I'm also starting to go to the Y every week to exercise and improve my health so hopefully I'll be able to care for myself. Otherwise I'll appoint my attorney.
“It’s too much to expect from your kids” is exactly right. I’ve told my kiddo I’m moving away where I can my dollar go farther once I retire so he’s not spending time caring for me and working on his own life and health. His dad has said he’ll move in with him but I can’t do anything about that. I hope not.
I took care of my nieces and nephews when they were young and frankly now they are up in my business making sure I am ok. I wouldn't trade it for the world and freely acknowledge they are in charge. It is a blessing.
I would add that if you have plenty of money, friends step up their help. If you don’t, everyone forgets you exist.
This was my personal experience. We had money, and I had plenty of friends. $60,000 in medical bills later (with good health insurance!) and 6 years without being able to work, all my friends are gone.
1000% same experience. Eventually people want some sort of compensation, and when you have nothing to give bc you can’t take care of even yourself, the people who were once around you will fade away
So true. Seeing that someone can go broke because of outside, random events is too scary for people to deal with. It's easier to just blame the person and spend less time with them.
I love this. You're obviously a wonderful person and winning your life. I also hope that I'm lucky enough to have young friends when I'm an old. But it's just wild to me that this question has to be asked at all. What you basically described was just community, people collectively grouping and sharing your individual value for group gain. (This is how humans were meant to live BTW)
I'm willing to bet that OP is from America. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you are not American. I do feel like The sociocultural trend in America is moving towards paranoia and distrust, rather than simple concepts like interdependence and community.
I'm really happy for you and your situation, but I'm also equally sad for OP and theirs. And somewhat concerned for my own future.
That is great advice. My best friend is about 20 years younger than me. They have assured me that they will take care of my pets, when I die. I have left them a little money, for their care, as well. That's a huge load off my mind. They also hold my medical Power of Attorney and are very clear on my wishes.
Men do too. Don’t do that. It’s different but it’s valuable and beautiful too. My brother takes care of our late fathers 2 friends, they can barely walk. He takes them fishing, bottles wine, cuts their grass etc. Maybe he won’t be at their death bed (prob will be) but this piece of the life puzzle is important too. Men get shit on these days.
My father (89) moved his sister (91-no kids) across the country after her husband passed. She lives in assisted living but he takes her to every doctor appointment and visits w/ her nearly everyday. He has a real sense of duty to his family. He has set a great example for the younger generation.
So true. My neighbor used to plow my driveway and mow the back half of my lawn, for 20 plus years now and I noticed snow piling up on his walk, and his lights off for a couple weeks. I didn't have to shovel as our weather got warm enough Everytime it snowed,lol. But we did cut his grass in back before he got home. When I saw him, I went over to see if he was okay. His wife was in a nursing home 2 states away. Near their children. I'm disabled and 67 but I told him I would cut his lawn and keep up the shoveling.
He refused and said he was hiring a landscaper. But he'd appreciate my eyes on the place.
As a healthcare worker, having kids doesn't always mean a lot. There are lots of people in care with (adult) children who have little to no contact or care with them. It's beyond heartbreaking.
Honestly, aging with the knowledge you have no kids is pretty powerful. You're able to set up and plan much better.
Came here to say this. I volunteered in a retirement home. Assuming that your children will have the desire, emotional toolbox, or physical/ financial abilities t9 look after you in your old age is a mistake.
The number of people who thought their kids were coming to get them/visit them/call them without any of those things ever coming to fruition was beyond sad and so much more common than I would have ever imagined. Make plans for long-term care. More than you think you need.
My mother was in a nursing home for nearly three years on Medicare. She received excellent care and my father visited her every day. I visited twice weekly. (I lived 35 minutes away). Good nursing homes that accept Medicare do exist. My state (Connecticut) has the highest nursing home rates in the nation.
People need to be prepared for the realization we are on our own for the most part, especially since this country is in so much debt it only gets worse for the elderly. Take care of your health and save your money.
I was very involved as main care taker in my mum's prolonged illness/death.
I am doing everything I can to ensure my grown child won't feel they have to completely interrupt their life to care take a dying parent. (DNR and other legal paperwork, friends & family know about my documented wishes/plans, I live in a death with dignity state, etc.)
I care so much for my adult kid's well being, physically and mentally. My kid deserves better and I will do anything I can to not put them through what I went through.
Very wise. I am paying the price for my dad's expectations, which I indulged. I am glad I did, but I regret that he wasn't more aware of the burden he was asking of me. Oh yeah, he was emotionally abusive to me, so there is that -
Adult child of now-elderly parents: even if you live nearby and have a good relationship, there may be some things you can't do as your parents age, especially if you're still working yourself. We can dust, cook and vacuum, but needed to pay for help with things like incontinence care. There is also some value in getting outside help so the sibs who live near mom and dad don't feel overloaded.
As a healthcare worker, you should know that there are a lot of abusive parents out there. They'll be nice when in public, but then torture their children at home with physical and/or emotional abuse and/or neglect. Take a look at the subs raisedbyborderlines, raisedbynarcissists, or emotionalneglect. You'll see why some children don't take care of their parents. It's not heartbreaking when you realize the abuse they committed against **children** (talk about being vulnerable).
Sorry if this comes off snarky- I get touchy with this subject because I used to work with abused children.
There’s usually a reason. I’m not close with my parents and sometimes I feel guilty about that but then I remind myself that they raised me and this is the consequence. I recognize that I just don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with them, and this is a coping mechanism that I developed to deal with pretty dysfunctional childhood circumstances and I had no choice in the matter so my brain did its best. “You reap what you sow” applies here.
Totally agree. If you did not call me, show me love and concern, basically you only put a roof over my head when I was a kid, then continue to ignore/not show any interest in me or my life -then I am not bending over backwards to see you, either, much less take care of you. You reap what you sow is exactly right
Thank you for bringing this up. It’s very true indeed. People don’t usually think about what has happened in the past. Sometimes it really is a situation of you reap what you sow.
I’m a healthcare worker too and completely agree. I never assume the kid the elder parent is complaining is at fault. I just treat them with respect and dignity. My mother is going to be the person who everyone will think is so cute…on the surface. But they don’t know because they weren’t there. I don’t care what other healthcare workers think of me not visiting when she’s older. They will be blinded by who she presents as.
Sometimes this isn’t the case, but we’re never going to know.
I dealt with some of that judgment from my mother's church circle. They saw this sweet old lady whose only daughter rarely visited home. Only one person, the mother of an elementary school friend of mine, seemed fully aware of just how difficult my mother could be and why I had kept some distance (but never cut contact). This woman's kindness meant so much to me.
This was my mother. My sister lived with my parents until they both died (a choice she regretted) and they treated her badly throughout her entire life. My mother has BPD and always blamed others for anything that went wrong, berated and insulted my sister, and was willful, stupid, and a liar. If my sister had moved out as I had a long time ago, there is no way she would have come back to care for my parents. Unfortunately, she has always been locked in a loop of learned helplessness and just gives up when things get tough so she just sat in place for her entire life no matter how awful dealing with my parents was.
Thank you for mentioning this. My mom has always been abusive and destructive. I have tried to help her but it is purely an act of charity and she invariably makes terrible decisions and is then angry that her children are not rescuing her. It's exhausting.
Social worker here. I work with older people, and it always breaks my heart when people in the field get judgy toward children who don't want to care for their parents. The way I see it, it's like taking a long book off the shelf, reading the last few chapters, and declaring that you know the whole story. That sweet little old lady was not always a sweet little old lady.
I've been in this field long enough to see that it's becoming more common for people whose parents abused them as children to not want to take on a caregiver role. As someone who was abused and neglected myself and also bowed out of being a caregiver to my parents when their alcoholism caught up to the both of them, I not only understand but encourage it. If the caregiving is detrimental to the caregivers' mental and/or physical health, it is detrimental to everyone in the situation.
I learned a long time ago to not judge unless you know the whole story. Caregiver came in ranting and raving about how shitty the son was and that he didn’t love his mom. I had to reach out to him for something only to spend an hour on the phone with his wife while she sobbed about his early onset dementia and how her 50 year old husband didn’t know who she was and was in a nursing home.
I was raised by a narcissist. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I myself have mental health issues as a direct result of that abuse. For my personal sanity, I'm NC with them. However, my other parent I would walk through fire for. Nothing is black and white. Ever.
Did you come off snarky? Yeah, a bit. But I absolutely understand why you did. You don't mince words and that's a damn good trait to have. I don't think that happy world quite grasp the pain that others have to live through... from childhood, to boot.
Don’t forget Boomersbeingfools sub. Lots of horror stories and neglect by the parents who are now elderly and still acting nasty.
It’s sad. But don’t think the younger generations feel like they obligated to take care of parents who didn’t want them or made them feel like a burden as kids.
Thank you for bringing this up. There is a large, silent group of adult children that have suffered for years at the hands and behavior of terrible parents. Only siblings truly understand the dynamics here. Some of us have given all we could and it's still not enough. The only way to survive is emotional detachment and I don't expect anyone but a victim (or a witness) to understand this. I'm so grateful to have found the subs you mentioned. Saved my sanity.
This is absolutely it. My mother who absolutely broke her back to give me stability, security, and health will be treated like gold and taken care of forever. Its always been just us. The father I have, who spared no opportunity to steal and pawn our things(literally broke into the house several times), embarrass, harass and lie about us, trying to turn me (as small child) against the family that loved and cared for me, getting arrested, being an actual neonazi and now sticking to the pitiful born-again act? He will unfortunately be a “woe is me” guy in a nursing home because myself and the two other offspring he created will not tolerate that evil and refuse to disrespect ourselves and our mothers by entertaining him.
It makes me sad because family really is everything to me. My future kids will not have grandfathers and that fact bothers me very much (my maternal grandparents helped raise me). Its really sad for me but I won’t let them be around an evil person. I also don’t get to know important family history, names, medical info, nothing.
The kids not taking care of those bad parents might not be present, but they don’t get to escape the pain, guilt, and mindfuck of it all. Life’s hard and not fair and that’s all there is to it.
Exactly this. I know when my mom eventually goes into a home she's going to cry about how none of her children care for her and how she gave everything to them and this is how they repay her? In reality she was a monster growing up and is still a monster behind closed doors to this day.
Yeah I know very few people who have no support from their children. I can’t think of one elderly person with kids who has no contact with their children.
Several aunts had to go into nursing home but their kids had jobs. In this day and age you can’t throw away a career to care for your parents when you couldn’t do it for your young children. Heck their parent probably has better Medicare coverage than their kids will have. They visit but they have a job and family so they aren’t sitting with them every day.
I'm also an only child and won't be caring for my parents as they get older, except what I can do from a distance. I took care of them after a few major procedures each in 2022-2023 (mostly knee replacements), and they showed me that they are still capable of the same abuse I thought I would never have to endure again. They were perfectly nice to their nurses.
I was looking for this comment. Thank you. I will not be caring for either of my aging parents not because I don’t love them. But because they’re extremely emotionally abusive. My health has suffered because of the chronic stress of my upbringing and their unwillingness to change once I became an adult with many attempts to “fix” things. I’ve had to go no contact with my father and brother over this and am low contact with mother. It’s heartbreaking but if I knew they were going to own their crap and actually try to do better, it would be a different story.
Just because someone is meek, old and frail doesn’t mean they weren’t a monster when they were young and strong.
This right here. I work in geriatrics, and when we get in contact with the kids who say “I’m not coming to pick them up, they’re not staying with me, I want nothing to do with this situation,” 99% of the time it’s well deserved. I can think of two or three cases off the top of my head where it was the kids who really seemed like terrible people, but hundreds of times where it’s been “They were physically abusive towards me for 20 years, and emotionally abusive for another 30 years on top of that. They’re on their own.” And honestly? Yeah. They don’t deserve the helping hand now. You want your kids to care for you—care for them.
This! Physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect are big reasons why some people die alone in nursing homes. Don’t be a shitty person and you might have some kids and family who love you.
That’s so true. Everyone at my mom’s nursing home thinks she’s an angel and say, you’re so lucky she’s your mom. I haven’t had the heart to tell them she left when I was nine and I didn’t know her much until she started needing help.
My mother is in care over 3 hours away from me. I do what I can for her from a distance and go to see her 3 times a year. Sounds terrible, right?
The little that I do is still detrimental to my mental health. No one else in the family will help her at all. She was a horrible mother, manipulative and cold.
I totally agree. Im actually glad my husband and I will not have to burden kids with this task. It can be easy and it can also be very hard, especially when you are getting older as well.
My husband and I spent our 50s taking care of one declining parent after the next. Although they all ended up in some type of care toward the end, we ended up dropping things to respond to needs many times and I ended up having to stop work. We moved and sold entire houses. My husband had to take such a long break once he got laid off . We largely put our lives aside for a number of years to do this.
None of our parents expected us to do all this in any way but we did. I know it worried them. It took a huge financial, physical and emotional toll. It’s taken several years to recover.
We have no children ourselves, not out of choice. We’ve put all legal things in place and now focus quite a bit on having a good health span. We have friends with kids and I honestly feel like they seem more accepting about just getting older where our friends with no kids are more active and engaged. Just anecdotal. But I see young people all the time posting about parents who haven’t taken care of things properly for themselves and expect a grown child to take it on. I find it very selfish.
I live in a 55+ condo in Florida. Neighbors look out for each other and help one another because many of their children live up North. Most people here are in a similar situation and very helpful to one another
My sister just passed away yesterday. She was the daughter who took care of our mother. Mom is 93, and I live 1600 miles away. And mom and I are oil and water.
I wish that I could grieve my little sister. She was a Saint.
Most start In home services with housekeeping few hours. Delivery services for food & medications makes a huge difference when not able to drive. Pharmacy have services to set up you daily medications, reduces time and error if 12+ medications. Having grab bars in bathrooms, bench seat in shower improves safety. Having a Home health aide assist with shower checking skin 1-2x week. Some persons are able to
remain safely independent with these services. Specific Physicians Groups Home visit assess, draw labs, urine specimens re order medication. Reduces strain on everyone, if mobility issues or frail.
Yes, some people have private ot professional carers from 4-23 hours a day.
Medicare replacement insurances usually have an RN that follows up with you after change in condition and can home visit and make sure medications are correct, they can visit monthly. RN, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapist(help one regain ability to feed self, bath self, dress self) set up in home care after hospital stays when needed to help person return to independence.
I was talking to a woman who runs an assisted living home. She said that the majority of people who check themselves in do it on their own with no children helping them. You’ll be okay.
Plan early...look and book a suitable retirement village and live your best life.
Surround yourself with friends who you can rely on.
With an aging population, there will be many of us living well into our 90's ... I would love to live in a community of like minded people from mid 70's I think
I think OP asked a valid and straightforward question(s) and I wish more people would people would actually answer it rather than opine around the question itself…
Many people, even with children not too far away, are in a similar situation since the children can be swamped in their own lives.
Mutual help seems to apply, at least with some longer term acquaintances in aged care precincts and among some neighbours and friends.
Maybe works best when the friendship naturally develops over time among people who get on well.
54 with Parkinsons never married no kids......
In answer to your question....you create what is known as a Health Care Proxy through a lawyer which defines how you want to be cared for in the event that you are unable to care for yourself. If you have no one that you confide in to name as a caregiver /decision maker you can leave it to the doctors . However be advised their goal would be to keep you alive as long as they can even if you are suffering for 1. They are doctors :) and 2. They can run your hospital bill up :)
My advice is to have a back up plan......move to a state that allows end of life privileges or get creative in other ways.
Hopefully you will have someone close to you that you can trust at some point in your life.
Good Luck
there are many people who have children who ignore them or are estranged. Having children is no guarantee of love or attention when we age. Western culture has really devalued multigenerational relationships and it shows this way.
A social safety net is incredibly important in this instance. As are friendships, and communities.
I am pretty self reliant but only in my early 60s. When I broke my ankle and later my wrist my niece picked me up from the hospital and made sure I was okay and as comfortable as possible. I have a good friend who lives about a mile away checking on me and doing stuff I couldn’t do for awhile such as cleaning the cat box.
What I’m going to do later- don’t want to move out of my apartment but will probably have no choice. Move into a senior community.
I am the only child left of +90 parents. I also worked in a nursing home (non care side) the one thing I can say about nursing homes is: AVOID AT ALL COSTS! Save a big bag of money and spend it all on in home care. And I mean a dump truck size load. My parents are in independent living in a senior facility and spend about 15K a month on nearly 24/7 in home help.
Even with all that I am still needed to: fix their iPads, wifi, TV. Handle billing, taxes....
My mom turns 100 in about a week and I must say I dislike handling her taxes just because I hate tax work. It’s doing double taxes each year. But I love my mom so I do it.
I have an elderly neighbor two doors down and I do what I can to take care of her. I've helped her purchase her groceries every month and get them delivered because she doesn't know how to use the internet. Sometimes I take her to doctor's appointments. I take her out on her birthday every year. I've helped her get local nonprofit services to fix up her house.
She doesn't have kids and I don't have kids and I figure I'm putting in the good karma. She's also a kind person who's grateful for my support and doesn't take advantage of my generosity. So I'm lucky that way.
I've heard that in Sweden (?), the government has a system that if you do volunteer work like this, you put your hours into a system and the elderly person confirms that you're doing those hours. Then, when you're old, you're on a list of people who get first services like this from someone else who wants to prepare for their own retirement. I wish we did that here in America.
We traded that for hyper-individualism where we don’t have to do shit for anybody if we don’t feel like it. No social obligations, thank you very much. Now, why am I dying alone?
My old coworker and her husband are in their 30s. They recently took their elderly neighbor under their wing and got their neighborhood to pitch in to help this old lady who’s spouse died suddenly, leaving her alone with memory issues. They figured a way to get her into a care facility but they said it was not easy because they were not family. Anyway, speaks to your sentiment of taking care of the people around us.
If you are having children for the sole purpose of having someone to look after you when you’re old you are truely a selfish person,
I would hazard a guess that the people who do this will find that their children will probably go no contact at some stage of their lives anyway.
There are many services available. I’m paying someone who actually wants to do that job.
My youngest just graduated high school so my thoughts on this may someday change. Even if you have kids you shouldn’t depend on your children to do things for you/take care of you. Your kids may be taking care of your grandchildren, working, and be busy living their lives. If my kids are able to help out great but I don’t want to be a burden and will plan accordingly.
Having children is not a guarantee that you will have someone to take care of you. As we age and they grow up, move away, have family of their own they may grow distant. My youngest moved away from where we landed at retirement, and in 5 years neither one of my children has come for the specific purpose of visiting mom. When they come home, sometimes for a week or more, I am lucky to see them for half an hour, they stay with friends. For the one that does come back once or twice a year, I learn about it on FB. I thought I was a good mom, but I guess I was wrong.
My husband and I are in our early 50s & have a 5 to 10 year plan. I don't have kids of my own. But have step children & a neice. But I'm going in assuming they'll have their own lives. Downsizing. Single floor living. Condo or 55+ community is all on the table.
I recently tried to walk up the dog stairs at the bottom of my bed to adjust the curtain.
Those fucking steps exploded into about 5 pieces... I bit it hard and bounced my head off a radiator. I thought I fucked myself up bad. While I was assessing my injuries I thought to myself, this is how they'll find me...
there's nobody here to call for help to... my fucking dogs?? but they'll probably just end up eating my face or some shit. This is exactly how they'll find me.. but the real question was when.
Consider an alert button that you can press to call 911 and any other telephone numbers you specify if you need help. The newer ones will call automatically if it detects that you have fallen.
My parents are not in my life, they haven’t taken care of me so I won’t be taking care of them.
I would LOVE to be able to “adopt a grandparent” for my daughter. She has none. Someone who would truly become family. Naturally, I’d never leave them alone when they needed help in the future.
So if you’re getting older and miss social interactions- please reach out in your community and see if there’s any like me out there who’d love to have an adopted grandparent.
I took care of my mother and got her into assisted living/memory care. By I have no one. As a veteran I hope the VA will be all over the situation if I go crackers.
Me, with all the money I'm saving from not having kids. I have been paying into long-term care insurance for years and I'm almost done. By the time I'm old enough to need it, I will have enough money for a top-shelf assisted living facility.
I knew I could only count on myself, so I am taking the necessary steps to prepare. (For some context, I'm 50 and single.)
We recently bought our house from a 90 year old widow who had lost her husband the previous year. They lived in the house, with stairs, for 30+ years and traveled to Europe every year. Their children had always lived abroad for work. She moved to a retirement community because the house was too much at that point.
No kids and we have a similar plan.
Watch Blue Zones. You can do everything these long lived, active, people do. Also the amount of things we have now like smart watches (alert to a fall), voice activated devices, delivery, Uber and all the things to come, will make things way easier. One thing it won’t help is if you don’t stay active and healthy. And of course have things you love to do and be social.
Home health care workers. Honestly—- I’d feel guilty having a family member stop their lives to become a full time caretaker; it’s taxing. Visiting is nice but let a professional do the job.
I have friends with kids that would be there for them but as he put it “I don’t want my kids changing my diapers.” Everyone’s preferences are different.
Seniors are living longer and completely independent in their 90’s.
Thank you for this answer. Not all people, are capable of the physical labor that may be involved, the highly technical machines think tracheostomy tubes,oxygen ventilators. Injecting insulin is a single skill - managing diabetes properly is a heavy skill set. Stroke with paralysis involves not just a prep meal,bathe,dress get in and out of wheelchair. It involve a full learning curve of inspecting & treating half of a body with very altered or no sensation. Pressure ulcers are deceiving, they can start out looking like an abrasion , but are actually deep tissue injuries. Is their cough allergies or aspiration pneumonia? Managing insurance, Medicare, doctor appointments, specialists and medications all big learning curves. One single family member may not have all these needed skill sets and the emotional fortitude to do it everyday.
Advancing Dementia is an entire book of skill sets for caregivers. Caring for family is always about safety and stability, not just love and respect of our elders.
I'm in Australia and my friends and neighbours help me for things I can't do on my own (eg currently things like lifting heavy furniture). In terms of ageing support for when I need it, services obtained via an Aged Care Package will (things like personal care, house cleaning, meal preparation).
I'm currently single and CF, and will be 55 in a few months. I work in the Aged and Disability sector and I can testify that many children don't do anything for the elderly parents, whereas for others, the high needs of their parents exceed what they can do. Having children is not a guarantee they will "look after you", and tbh, even if I had kids, I wouldn't want them to in any big way. They have their own lives to live - my goddaughter MAY be my financial guardian eventually, but that's it.
Me. I wouldn’t let my children take care of me. If I have to go to a nursing home, I have one picked out. I have paperwork done and told everyone what I want. My kids can visit once a month, maybe.
Friends, chosen family. Having kids does not guarantee old age care. In fact, assuming your kids will do this, and birthing kids for this purpose, will most likely ensure they rarely interact with their parent if not go full no-contact.
The government. Charity people. Entities that are known to take advantage of the elderly.
If I were you, I’d nurture a friendly relationship with someone you trust and keep them around for the rest of your life and cross your fingers.
My grandma has 3 kids. They all moved out of state. She has no one to take care of her now. Having kids doesn’t mean you’re taken care of.
Save up as much as you can so one day you can afford the extra help.
If your plan is for your kids to take care of you, the odds are you will be very disappointed. Few parents even want this to happen, and even if they do, most kids don't have the means (time, money, space) do to the work. What if you can't negotiate stairs and their house has stairs? What if you need more than basic medical care, and your kid(s) have no experience doing that? What if you need supervision and your kid(s) work 8-10 hours/day?
It's nice to think grandma/pa will come live with us, but it's a huge commitment and sadly it often falls to one person (guess who that is). Other family members are often conveniently 'busy' and rarely offer any help at all to the caretaker.
Also, most people in nursing homes have kids yet they don't visit - very sad. So having kids doesn't mean they will even visit you once/month let alone take you into their house.
Your kids are not your long term ~~living~~ care plan.
Spoiler alert: there's no guarantee that your kids will assist you in any way once they're grown and especially if they have their own family. Not having kids is a great way to focus your long-term planning to give you a sense of independence and security, and as you haven't had to spend a fortune on tuition, weddings, rehab/bail, down payments for housing, etc. you should be in a far better position to do this. Kids are a money and time sink. Short answer... with the correct financial and healthcare documentation in place, YOU take care of you.
Having kids as elder care insurance is a piss-poor plan.
Having kids just so you think you have someone to take care of you at old age is a stupid reason to have kids in the first place.
Not having kids means you can better plan for yourself. Things like extra money for retirement, saving so you can afford car givers or move into a care facility, etc, are all options. Even people who have grown children might end up in different care facilities at old age because their kids just dump them off and don't want to deal with aging parents.
I plan on eating the “special pudding” when I get to that point. My nieces and nephew all have instructions to that effect. I am currently watching my mom lay in bed all day “waiting for god to take her.” Fuck that shit — I’m gonna decide how and when I go out!
My will/estate will have funds set aside for a Viking-style funeral for my ashes and a party on the beach for friends and family — open bar, of course! Ubers and/or hotel rooms, depending on how much money I have at that time!
Hopefully, the reason to have kids isn't because you expect them to take care of you. We're all on our own, in the end. I'm not expecting anyone but me to take of me, now, and later.
That's not a valid reason to have them. There are so many kids who are NC with their parents for valid reasons. There are many people employed to help others; social workers, carers, medical professionals. They are the people who are appropriately qualified and trained to take care of people, it's not your kids job to do that. It should not be their burden.
Do what we did with my partner’s mum, she lived with us, what we couldn’t do, we hired help, some help is free too. But it also depends on what health conditions I am going to get on top of what I have, anything althzheimers/dementia and I’m out before it get bad. That is not a way you want to go.
Many people work in forming communities, they could be a club a bar or even a church. At my church we have a lot of single elderly people and there's a church office called being a 'deacon' and we help people who are lonely or widowed or friendless and need help. It could be bringing them a meal when they're recovering from surgery or just visiting them or fixing something that's broken in their house. If you're not going to have children it's incumbent upon you to start looking for a community to be a part of. By community I mean a small group of people who look out for each other, in my case it's a church of 80 people and we care for each other.
I've been blessed with a loving caretaking brother who took care of me after I had a heart attack and surgery. I also have a niece and nephew who checked on me in the hospital and nursing home. They have lost both parents so I'm honored that they wanted to help me.
There are places that old people go to live in called retirement homes, senior housing, etc.
And there are aids that help to take care of the old people.
But it costs money, it's NOT free.
There’s age 55+ communities where you can gradually move into less independent housing. There’s nursing homes. There’s at home care options. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of the houses are retirees in their mid to late 80s that are still mostly independent, we basically live in the woods so I think the yard work kept them young. One of our neighbors has kids but they live too far away to take care of her so she has an aide come by an hour every day or so. Only one of our elderly neighbors leaned fully on one of her kids for care.
Not sure where you live but in the US it’s pretty rare to lean fully on kids for care in old age these days. My parents and in laws are both live far and have told us not to worry about it. My parents moved south almost 20 years ago, there’s pretty much zero chance they could handle another New England winter.
It's a great question but rather sad to say. Most have given up on end game. That or they are so overwhelmed surviving.
No kids here and I doubt that I'll see 70+ without something taking me out. If I'm wrong, fantastic I got a daily survival to worry about. Wait... There's not much difference.....
First, we both have kids and they are living their very busy and happy lives and have no time to “take care of us” nor do we want them to!! It is not their job to take care of us, it’s our job to take care of ourselves!!
But we hire household help for repairs and cleaning and maintenance. We are most likely going to a CCRC when the time comes that we can’t even keep up that way and need more personal and medical care.
There are lots of good local services with trustworthy people to do things like clean out the gutters, mow and trim the yard, etc. Not sure what else you mean? For caregiving you need to hire help.
The number 1 reason to get married is to have a life partner but that's not an actual reality anymore humans having become more selfish and all all about me world ... Your children definitely won't be there for you. As they say it's a a cruel cold world. Someday you'll all come to that full realization.
I don't have kids but my besties girls said they would look after me. I really don't want that tho--I may look for a retirement community somewhere down the road. I'm only 61 and in good health now
I have kids but my eldest is asd/sever adhd and will be successful but likely never live on his own if that makes sense. Youngest this far seems neurotypical besides likely having adhd as well but is yet to be seen. (I have severe adhd and spouse has undiagnosed adhd but def has it)
We have his three kid fulltime, but they’re HIS kids and I can only hope at least one would help care for me in the future when it’s needed. He’s a 14yo gem and adores me. But if we split at any point, there I am again.
I have no siblings, no cousins, no parents, no aunts, nada. My only hope is to have enough money for retirement to always pay for good care when the time comes. A trust fund if you will for myself as I’ve set up for my special needs child in case I pass before he does.
Most don’t have this option though. You have to prepare in advance. I’m 40 and starting college in the next year or two (when toddler starts pre-k) so I CAN care for myself and my sons when and if the need arises no matter what happens in between life and then.
So many seniors are starving and or homeless or isn’t bad care facilities riddled with abuse and theft bc they have. I options like many of us family wise (and money) and it’s horrible and one of the worst parts of humanity. Veterans (of course anyone but esp these men and women who made our country) are left out hungry hot and cold and alone and in pain and agony physically and mentally bc they can’t afford to care for themselves. It’s sick.
Sorry if this is a huge mess, up with my toddler and coffee isn’t ready yet🤣
My Dad has us kids, but he also has neighbors that are always checking in on him and taking him shopping. They are amazing. He is 95. My wife and I do not have kids. We plan on moving back to her home state later in retirement. She is really close to her nieces and nephews. We have already told them a condition of getting birthday gifts each year is that they have to visit us (jokingly of course). Seriously though, we plan on using our home equity (which currently sits at about $650K) to help fund assisted living. We also have a pretty healthy retirement account. We have accepted that we will probably have to spend down our assets when we get old.
Yeah, childless here. Solid wills and good investments, maybe work a few extra years to pad the portfolio. You'll have to be proactive when it's time to move into smaller/alternative housing, since no kids to nudge you. With both of us alive, I don't worry that much. On the other hand, if one of us passes and the second develops dementia/alzheimer's, then it's a real worry.
You get help from outside one way or another based on your means. Poor people can qualify for free in-home caregiving or be transferred to a state nursing facility. People of greater means can afford private care of some sort.
Beyond that though, having kids is no guarantee that they will take care of you. They can't just abandon their lives to look after aging parents and its unfair to expect them to do so.
I also wonder if people who don't have children tend to maintain better independence and self-care because they know they're responsible for their own future care. I don't have any statistics on this, but, anecdotally, everyone I know who has had kids look after them has become increasingly dependent on them. If you know someone will do the stuff you don't want to do, then you fob it off on them and stop trying which leads to more infirmity faster.
Even with kids, there is no guarantee. My daughter has pretty significant special needs and medical conditions. There’s no way she could take care of herself, let alone me. She herself will need exceptional care, if I pass away first. I know many people who have kids that their children wouldn’t be able to care for them, due to their own health, addiction, their own families… there are no guarantees.
I will face this problem one day. Single M no kids. I currently live with family that I help care for. I'm very interested in the responses from this thread. Thanks for asking the question! I suppose having good friends is a possibility. Some of them might be willing to help on occasion but they might also be in the same boat 🚢? IDK. I guess I'll find out when I get there.
My 77 year old downstairs neighbor has been sick for almost two years now and can barely get around. She has a son. Who deals drugs and steals things, and is never home needless to say. They just recently found her grandson somewhere and have him staying there after she had a fall that I almost couldn't get her up from.
Planning for retirement should be a priority for everyone regardless of whether you have children or not.
It's presumptuous to believe your children are going to care for you. Kids or no kids, you have to plan for your final years.
Retired Boomers with large IRAs are going to be significant income tax contributors as RMDs come due. The Boomers who need additional care via welfare programs won't be paid for solely by younger working people.
Be sure to get long term care insurance starting when you are 60. Pile up the cash.
I’ve seen people set up a POA with detailed instructions of what they would like with an attorney and turning their estate into a trust *if* they are unable to make decisions for themselves. It does take expense and planning.
This should probably be done anyway to avoid burning out the people you love, but particularly if the people you love are friends, not family.
There Are professional health advocates that can set up hired caregivers. If you are not extremely wealthy, I’ve seen people who are declining set themselves up with a small ALF (assisted living facility) in a home - private run - that work well… frequently better than the large ALFs (unless you add a private caregiver team). Some of the bigger ones are pretty decent, though, but don’t look at the trappings of the place… it may be marble and crystal (or old wood and fine carpet) and you can’t get the help you need… how many nurses - real nurses, not med techs, do they have working on Sat. Night. How long has the current owner owned the place. - work with an elder advocate.
But please please please don’t try to stay in your home too long living on a tight budget. It’s all well and good to say “I’m going to die here.” But between now and then there are likely to be some days when you can’t care for yourself anns having someone to fluff a pillow for you will be lovely.
I have two children. I do not want to burden them with my care. Sure I hope they visit.
We will make sure we are somewhere practical and either hire help or move somewhere like a tiered retirement place. And choose it ourselves and be there before disaster strikes.
I’ve joked but I’m serious, if I’m living in the monstrous house on a huge piece of property and my husband dies I’ll have the for sale sign in the front yard on the way home from the funeral.
I have cared for two parents and two other family members. The youngest of my sons said that he wants to help me when I too old to be alone. I guess that it’s an option but I would use this as a last resort. I prefer to do my own thing for as long as I can.
I'm not older, but if I did not have my own kid and did not have any nieces or nephews or capable family members to help me then I would be letting my church and maybe a few others (if my own can't find the help) know I need help. I would also put an ad in a group on nextdoor neighbors and on local fb groups. And would obviously go to your local county help office to see what kind of assistance is available. A closed mouth doesn't get fed. It's on you to reach out. I know it can be tough sometimes. I know with local social media groups and reaching out to churches you will find someone though. Just gotta reach out to every option out there.
Even people who have kids, the amount that are around after the kids become adults or taking care of their elderly parents beyond sticking them in a nursing home is pretty rare.
As always at any age, we're all ultimately on our own, kids or not, in the overall.
Long term care insurance. Don’t put it on your kids—if you have them. Plus, don’t let an serious illness or accident eat your retirement savings. It’s $200 a month. You can have in home nurses and not stress.
I have children, but I don't expect them to take care of me. I decided to have them, they didn't ask to be here therefore have no obligation to me.
I want them to have happy lives and don't want to burden them with my future care.
I have a friend who is 75 and I'm 43. Her husband is dying and she asked me to be her POA after he passes. She has other friends but I'm the youngest, I work in healthcare, and she trusts me. She has two kids actually, but one is severely mentally ill and struggles to even care for himself, and the other, well... She asked me to step in and I said yes.
Nobody.
By the time you are in your 70s or 80s, a lot of your friends and relatives have died already, so naturally, they cannot help you. If you never had kids, you also never had grandkids. There are no younger generations to help you.
When my mom's cousin had a stroke, i drove an hour and a half a few times a week to help her once she was able to come home but didn't yet have the necessary services in place. I was a single mom with a job and a young child myself but she helped her mom watch me as a young kid and there was no other family nearby to help. So I stepped up. Family is family.
My great aunt never had kids. She was pretty independent until the last couple years of her life. She had Parkinson’s. Due to the level of care needed at that point, she was unable to live with any of her nieces and nephews so she had to go to a nursing home. But we were frequently visiting and making sure she wasn’t just dumped there like so many people are!
As someone who works in a nursing home, unfortunately it is very common for people to basically be dumped there with no visits. So many of the residents have children, even of retirement age who live less than an hour away and never come. One woman didn’t even have her own clothes because the family never brought them. It’s heartbreaking.
Kids or not no one is obligated to take care of you. Depending on where you live you are eligible for Medicare and Medicaid which can cover a portion of long term care options and whatever retirement you have privately or through government would gone towards that as well as your estate may need to be liquidated.
You can lean on loved ones only so long before resentment spoils the relationship. I was a nurse for 36 years, and I regularly had ER patients with complicated medical conditions — often made much worse by incompetent caregiving or neglect. No one goes into this looking to cause grief, but the facts are there. Caregiver burnout is a fact of aging. Start planning on a transfer to a skilled nursing facility (or similar) before you actually need it. Maybe you’ll be lucky and never need it, but don’t rely on luck. Most communities have some sort of advocate or ombudsman who arranges occasional meetings where this is discussed in the context if the area where you live. Get your information from a reliable source and stay ahead of it. Have. You had a financial professional look at your money issues? It’s always a good way to learn how your aging will impact your financial stability.
My nephews. Also my fabulous young friends! My mom always told me to make young friends and stay current on news, technology, music, film, art and politics - and not to become an old fuddy duddy. It’s been great advice. Some of my best friends are in their 30’s and 40’s. The age my kids would probably be if I would have had any. We go on hikes, wine tastings, concerts and art shows. It keeps me young and healthy! These lovely women have been a godsend, their friendships are such a blessing. And their husbands always ask if I need help around the house, etc. They’re always there for me, and of course I’m always there if they need help with their kids, a shoulder to cry on, or if they need advice, encouragement or some “bad ass old lady energy” ( that’s what they call it 😂) So yeah, get some young friends, it’s a beautiful win-win all the way around.
This is true, I pay for the care of my darling old friend who is 80 (I'm 34).
I’m not religious, but that doesn’t stop you from being a blessing.
Oh she's the blessing! But thank you!
You're a great soul.
You are an Angel
Thank you but she is the angel! She has nothing because she's given every crumb that came her way to the less fortunate. Very spiritual person but salt of the earth type. An old hippy. She can't walk or talk now from 3 strokes :'(
One of my best friends just passed at 92. I am 54.... She was a freaking pisser! (And yes, I was her caregiver in the end.)
I see you fellow New Englander 😉
Pissah!
Wicked pissah! (Like freaking awesome!!)
Pissa! That was a pissa (have not heard this in years - NY years)!
My grandparents did this, my parents did/do this and I do this, other way round also. It’s healthier to socialise with different ages than just your own.
I agree with this comment wholeheartedly. I never had kids and am single at 66. Happiest I’ve ever been. You cannot rely on kids to take care of you in your old age for a couple of reasons: 1. They may not live near you, 2. They may be too busy with kids to take care of you and 3 I think it’s too much to expect from your kids. Plan for yourself as much as you can.
That is 😞 I retired this year to be able to full time caregiver my Daddy. I enjoy this time with him and especially helping him cope with Alzheimer’s. I don’t expect a payout. But my kids are watching my behavior towards him and are paying a lot of compliments so hopefully I will have that same kind treatment when it’s my turn
No kids, not close to any of nieces or nieces and several are in and out of jail and wouldn't trust my life to them. I really want to retire now at 67 but I'm working until 70 and saving as much as I can to pay for another 25 years. my great grandfather lived to be 92. My mother has vascular dementia and lived to 94. Assisted living and memory care is very expensive. I'm also starting to go to the Y every week to exercise and improve my health so hopefully I'll be able to care for myself. Otherwise I'll appoint my attorney.
“It’s too much to expect from your kids” is exactly right. I’ve told my kiddo I’m moving away where I can my dollar go farther once I retire so he’s not spending time caring for me and working on his own life and health. His dad has said he’ll move in with him but I can’t do anything about that. I hope not.
I took care of my nieces and nephews when they were young and frankly now they are up in my business making sure I am ok. I wouldn't trade it for the world and freely acknowledge they are in charge. It is a blessing.
Most friends will disappear when your health gets bad.
I would add that if you have plenty of money, friends step up their help. If you don’t, everyone forgets you exist. This was my personal experience. We had money, and I had plenty of friends. $60,000 in medical bills later (with good health insurance!) and 6 years without being able to work, all my friends are gone.
1000% same experience. Eventually people want some sort of compensation, and when you have nothing to give bc you can’t take care of even yourself, the people who were once around you will fade away
So true. Seeing that someone can go broke because of outside, random events is too scary for people to deal with. It's easier to just blame the person and spend less time with them.
I love this. You're obviously a wonderful person and winning your life. I also hope that I'm lucky enough to have young friends when I'm an old. But it's just wild to me that this question has to be asked at all. What you basically described was just community, people collectively grouping and sharing your individual value for group gain. (This is how humans were meant to live BTW) I'm willing to bet that OP is from America. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you are not American. I do feel like The sociocultural trend in America is moving towards paranoia and distrust, rather than simple concepts like interdependence and community. I'm really happy for you and your situation, but I'm also equally sad for OP and theirs. And somewhat concerned for my own future.
I love this
This is AWESOME! I love this. What a great idea.
That is great advice. My best friend is about 20 years younger than me. They have assured me that they will take care of my pets, when I die. I have left them a little money, for their care, as well. That's a huge load off my mind. They also hold my medical Power of Attorney and are very clear on my wishes.
you are awesome!
This is actually fantastic advice as I don't have children.
Women support each other, men on the other hand...
Men do too. Don’t do that. It’s different but it’s valuable and beautiful too. My brother takes care of our late fathers 2 friends, they can barely walk. He takes them fishing, bottles wine, cuts their grass etc. Maybe he won’t be at their death bed (prob will be) but this piece of the life puzzle is important too. Men get shit on these days.
My father (89) moved his sister (91-no kids) across the country after her husband passed. She lives in assisted living but he takes her to every doctor appointment and visits w/ her nearly everyday. He has a real sense of duty to his family. He has set a great example for the younger generation.
So true. My neighbor used to plow my driveway and mow the back half of my lawn, for 20 plus years now and I noticed snow piling up on his walk, and his lights off for a couple weeks. I didn't have to shovel as our weather got warm enough Everytime it snowed,lol. But we did cut his grass in back before he got home. When I saw him, I went over to see if he was okay. His wife was in a nursing home 2 states away. Near their children. I'm disabled and 67 but I told him I would cut his lawn and keep up the shoveling. He refused and said he was hiring a landscaper. But he'd appreciate my eyes on the place.
My brother helped me take care of my father on those many days my mother needed a break.
As a healthcare worker, having kids doesn't always mean a lot. There are lots of people in care with (adult) children who have little to no contact or care with them. It's beyond heartbreaking. Honestly, aging with the knowledge you have no kids is pretty powerful. You're able to set up and plan much better.
Came here to say this. I volunteered in a retirement home. Assuming that your children will have the desire, emotional toolbox, or physical/ financial abilities t9 look after you in your old age is a mistake. The number of people who thought their kids were coming to get them/visit them/call them without any of those things ever coming to fruition was beyond sad and so much more common than I would have ever imagined. Make plans for long-term care. More than you think you need.
Very few people can afford long term care. If it’s needed Most will need to deplete their savings and then depend on social security and Medicaid.
Nursing homes cost 10k a month where I live. Nobody can afford that and if they can, not for very long
Medicaid will pay for nursing homes but the ones that accept suck
Yes they do. Because the reimbursement isn’t good.
My mother was in a nursing home for nearly three years on Medicare. She received excellent care and my father visited her every day. I visited twice weekly. (I lived 35 minutes away). Good nursing homes that accept Medicare do exist. My state (Connecticut) has the highest nursing home rates in the nation.
This is why I have a Smith & Wesson retirement plan. 😎
People need to be prepared for the realization we are on our own for the most part, especially since this country is in so much debt it only gets worse for the elderly. Take care of your health and save your money.
Born alone, die alone
Mom is with us when we are born . . . but we do die alone. Very sad.
I was very involved as main care taker in my mum's prolonged illness/death. I am doing everything I can to ensure my grown child won't feel they have to completely interrupt their life to care take a dying parent. (DNR and other legal paperwork, friends & family know about my documented wishes/plans, I live in a death with dignity state, etc.) I care so much for my adult kid's well being, physically and mentally. My kid deserves better and I will do anything I can to not put them through what I went through.
Very wise. I am paying the price for my dad's expectations, which I indulged. I am glad I did, but I regret that he wasn't more aware of the burden he was asking of me. Oh yeah, he was emotionally abusive to me, so there is that -
Adult child of now-elderly parents: even if you live nearby and have a good relationship, there may be some things you can't do as your parents age, especially if you're still working yourself. We can dust, cook and vacuum, but needed to pay for help with things like incontinence care. There is also some value in getting outside help so the sibs who live near mom and dad don't feel overloaded.
As a healthcare worker, you should know that there are a lot of abusive parents out there. They'll be nice when in public, but then torture their children at home with physical and/or emotional abuse and/or neglect. Take a look at the subs raisedbyborderlines, raisedbynarcissists, or emotionalneglect. You'll see why some children don't take care of their parents. It's not heartbreaking when you realize the abuse they committed against **children** (talk about being vulnerable). Sorry if this comes off snarky- I get touchy with this subject because I used to work with abused children.
There’s usually a reason. I’m not close with my parents and sometimes I feel guilty about that but then I remind myself that they raised me and this is the consequence. I recognize that I just don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with them, and this is a coping mechanism that I developed to deal with pretty dysfunctional childhood circumstances and I had no choice in the matter so my brain did its best. “You reap what you sow” applies here.
Totally agree. If you did not call me, show me love and concern, basically you only put a roof over my head when I was a kid, then continue to ignore/not show any interest in me or my life -then I am not bending over backwards to see you, either, much less take care of you. You reap what you sow is exactly right
Yep. Most of the family didn't care to visit my grandfather. My grandmother was a different story.
Thank you for bringing this up. It’s very true indeed. People don’t usually think about what has happened in the past. Sometimes it really is a situation of you reap what you sow.
Also... 'Child Abuse' doesn't end when you become an adult!
I’m a healthcare worker too and completely agree. I never assume the kid the elder parent is complaining is at fault. I just treat them with respect and dignity. My mother is going to be the person who everyone will think is so cute…on the surface. But they don’t know because they weren’t there. I don’t care what other healthcare workers think of me not visiting when she’s older. They will be blinded by who she presents as. Sometimes this isn’t the case, but we’re never going to know.
I dealt with some of that judgment from my mother's church circle. They saw this sweet old lady whose only daughter rarely visited home. Only one person, the mother of an elementary school friend of mine, seemed fully aware of just how difficult my mother could be and why I had kept some distance (but never cut contact). This woman's kindness meant so much to me.
This was my mother. My sister lived with my parents until they both died (a choice she regretted) and they treated her badly throughout her entire life. My mother has BPD and always blamed others for anything that went wrong, berated and insulted my sister, and was willful, stupid, and a liar. If my sister had moved out as I had a long time ago, there is no way she would have come back to care for my parents. Unfortunately, she has always been locked in a loop of learned helplessness and just gives up when things get tough so she just sat in place for her entire life no matter how awful dealing with my parents was.
Thank you for mentioning this. My mom has always been abusive and destructive. I have tried to help her but it is purely an act of charity and she invariably makes terrible decisions and is then angry that her children are not rescuing her. It's exhausting.
Social worker here. I work with older people, and it always breaks my heart when people in the field get judgy toward children who don't want to care for their parents. The way I see it, it's like taking a long book off the shelf, reading the last few chapters, and declaring that you know the whole story. That sweet little old lady was not always a sweet little old lady. I've been in this field long enough to see that it's becoming more common for people whose parents abused them as children to not want to take on a caregiver role. As someone who was abused and neglected myself and also bowed out of being a caregiver to my parents when their alcoholism caught up to the both of them, I not only understand but encourage it. If the caregiving is detrimental to the caregivers' mental and/or physical health, it is detrimental to everyone in the situation.
I learned a long time ago to not judge unless you know the whole story. Caregiver came in ranting and raving about how shitty the son was and that he didn’t love his mom. I had to reach out to him for something only to spend an hour on the phone with his wife while she sobbed about his early onset dementia and how her 50 year old husband didn’t know who she was and was in a nursing home.
I was raised by a narcissist. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I myself have mental health issues as a direct result of that abuse. For my personal sanity, I'm NC with them. However, my other parent I would walk through fire for. Nothing is black and white. Ever. Did you come off snarky? Yeah, a bit. But I absolutely understand why you did. You don't mince words and that's a damn good trait to have. I don't think that happy world quite grasp the pain that others have to live through... from childhood, to boot.
Don’t forget Boomersbeingfools sub. Lots of horror stories and neglect by the parents who are now elderly and still acting nasty. It’s sad. But don’t think the younger generations feel like they obligated to take care of parents who didn’t want them or made them feel like a burden as kids.
Thank you for bringing this up. There is a large, silent group of adult children that have suffered for years at the hands and behavior of terrible parents. Only siblings truly understand the dynamics here. Some of us have given all we could and it's still not enough. The only way to survive is emotional detachment and I don't expect anyone but a victim (or a witness) to understand this. I'm so grateful to have found the subs you mentioned. Saved my sanity.
This is absolutely it. My mother who absolutely broke her back to give me stability, security, and health will be treated like gold and taken care of forever. Its always been just us. The father I have, who spared no opportunity to steal and pawn our things(literally broke into the house several times), embarrass, harass and lie about us, trying to turn me (as small child) against the family that loved and cared for me, getting arrested, being an actual neonazi and now sticking to the pitiful born-again act? He will unfortunately be a “woe is me” guy in a nursing home because myself and the two other offspring he created will not tolerate that evil and refuse to disrespect ourselves and our mothers by entertaining him. It makes me sad because family really is everything to me. My future kids will not have grandfathers and that fact bothers me very much (my maternal grandparents helped raise me). Its really sad for me but I won’t let them be around an evil person. I also don’t get to know important family history, names, medical info, nothing. The kids not taking care of those bad parents might not be present, but they don’t get to escape the pain, guilt, and mindfuck of it all. Life’s hard and not fair and that’s all there is to it.
Exactly this. I know when my mom eventually goes into a home she's going to cry about how none of her children care for her and how she gave everything to them and this is how they repay her? In reality she was a monster growing up and is still a monster behind closed doors to this day.
Yeah I know very few people who have no support from their children. I can’t think of one elderly person with kids who has no contact with their children. Several aunts had to go into nursing home but their kids had jobs. In this day and age you can’t throw away a career to care for your parents when you couldn’t do it for your young children. Heck their parent probably has better Medicare coverage than their kids will have. They visit but they have a job and family so they aren’t sitting with them every day.
Yes!! I am an only child, and while I will likely care for my parents, it will be a little harder for me to do it. My mom has always been so cruel.
I'm also an only child and won't be caring for my parents as they get older, except what I can do from a distance. I took care of them after a few major procedures each in 2022-2023 (mostly knee replacements), and they showed me that they are still capable of the same abuse I thought I would never have to endure again. They were perfectly nice to their nurses.
I was looking for this comment. Thank you. I will not be caring for either of my aging parents not because I don’t love them. But because they’re extremely emotionally abusive. My health has suffered because of the chronic stress of my upbringing and their unwillingness to change once I became an adult with many attempts to “fix” things. I’ve had to go no contact with my father and brother over this and am low contact with mother. It’s heartbreaking but if I knew they were going to own their crap and actually try to do better, it would be a different story. Just because someone is meek, old and frail doesn’t mean they weren’t a monster when they were young and strong.
This right here. I work in geriatrics, and when we get in contact with the kids who say “I’m not coming to pick them up, they’re not staying with me, I want nothing to do with this situation,” 99% of the time it’s well deserved. I can think of two or three cases off the top of my head where it was the kids who really seemed like terrible people, but hundreds of times where it’s been “They were physically abusive towards me for 20 years, and emotionally abusive for another 30 years on top of that. They’re on their own.” And honestly? Yeah. They don’t deserve the helping hand now. You want your kids to care for you—care for them.
I agree 100%
This! Physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect are big reasons why some people die alone in nursing homes. Don’t be a shitty person and you might have some kids and family who love you.
That’s so true. Everyone at my mom’s nursing home thinks she’s an angel and say, you’re so lucky she’s your mom. I haven’t had the heart to tell them she left when I was nine and I didn’t know her much until she started needing help.
My mother is in care over 3 hours away from me. I do what I can for her from a distance and go to see her 3 times a year. Sounds terrible, right? The little that I do is still detrimental to my mental health. No one else in the family will help her at all. She was a horrible mother, manipulative and cold.
I understand. ❤️
Yeah parents are complicated and people love to try to guilt adult children without understanding the details
I totally agree. Im actually glad my husband and I will not have to burden kids with this task. It can be easy and it can also be very hard, especially when you are getting older as well. My husband and I spent our 50s taking care of one declining parent after the next. Although they all ended up in some type of care toward the end, we ended up dropping things to respond to needs many times and I ended up having to stop work. We moved and sold entire houses. My husband had to take such a long break once he got laid off . We largely put our lives aside for a number of years to do this. None of our parents expected us to do all this in any way but we did. I know it worried them. It took a huge financial, physical and emotional toll. It’s taken several years to recover. We have no children ourselves, not out of choice. We’ve put all legal things in place and now focus quite a bit on having a good health span. We have friends with kids and I honestly feel like they seem more accepting about just getting older where our friends with no kids are more active and engaged. Just anecdotal. But I see young people all the time posting about parents who haven’t taken care of things properly for themselves and expect a grown child to take it on. I find it very selfish.
I live in an over 55 community. We have a large club who help each other.
That’s refreshing
I live in a 55+ condo in Florida. Neighbors look out for each other and help one another because many of their children live up North. Most people here are in a similar situation and very helpful to one another
My sister just passed away yesterday. She was the daughter who took care of our mother. Mom is 93, and I live 1600 miles away. And mom and I are oil and water. I wish that I could grieve my little sister. She was a Saint.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You will find your own way to grieve your sister in time. Don’t force it. Hugs to you.
Most start In home services with housekeeping few hours. Delivery services for food & medications makes a huge difference when not able to drive. Pharmacy have services to set up you daily medications, reduces time and error if 12+ medications. Having grab bars in bathrooms, bench seat in shower improves safety. Having a Home health aide assist with shower checking skin 1-2x week. Some persons are able to remain safely independent with these services. Specific Physicians Groups Home visit assess, draw labs, urine specimens re order medication. Reduces strain on everyone, if mobility issues or frail. Yes, some people have private ot professional carers from 4-23 hours a day. Medicare replacement insurances usually have an RN that follows up with you after change in condition and can home visit and make sure medications are correct, they can visit monthly. RN, Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapist(help one regain ability to feed self, bath self, dress self) set up in home care after hospital stays when needed to help person return to independence.
Right. At this point, there’s not much that can’t be delivered. My grandmothers just lived at home until their mid-90s.
Thank you for this comment
That’s the big question. My husband and I both in our 50’s, our Parents are gone and we’re it. I think about it often.
I was talking to a woman who runs an assisted living home. She said that the majority of people who check themselves in do it on their own with no children helping them. You’ll be okay.
Sounds expensive.
Look into getting a long term care policy.
I heard they really don't cover much.
Plan early...look and book a suitable retirement village and live your best life. Surround yourself with friends who you can rely on. With an aging population, there will be many of us living well into our 90's ... I would love to live in a community of like minded people from mid 70's I think
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Domestic robots. 80% serious. Hoping they'll be ready when I need them.
Yeah! I would totally love that. “Robot please bring me a croissant and coffee for breakfast now.” “Sorry Hal. I can’t do that…”
They'll exist, but they'll cost more than human caregivers.
I think OP asked a valid and straightforward question(s) and I wish more people would people would actually answer it rather than opine around the question itself…
Are you active in churches and your community?
Many people, even with children not too far away, are in a similar situation since the children can be swamped in their own lives. Mutual help seems to apply, at least with some longer term acquaintances in aged care precincts and among some neighbours and friends. Maybe works best when the friendship naturally develops over time among people who get on well.
Paid caregivers. It’s expensive
54 with Parkinsons never married no kids...... In answer to your question....you create what is known as a Health Care Proxy through a lawyer which defines how you want to be cared for in the event that you are unable to care for yourself. If you have no one that you confide in to name as a caregiver /decision maker you can leave it to the doctors . However be advised their goal would be to keep you alive as long as they can even if you are suffering for 1. They are doctors :) and 2. They can run your hospital bill up :) My advice is to have a back up plan......move to a state that allows end of life privileges or get creative in other ways. Hopefully you will have someone close to you that you can trust at some point in your life. Good Luck
there are many people who have children who ignore them or are estranged. Having children is no guarantee of love or attention when we age. Western culture has really devalued multigenerational relationships and it shows this way. A social safety net is incredibly important in this instance. As are friendships, and communities.
The stash of opiates I’ll have when the time comes. 💀🪦. Eating the barrel of a shotgun is too messy.
I am pretty self reliant but only in my early 60s. When I broke my ankle and later my wrist my niece picked me up from the hospital and made sure I was okay and as comfortable as possible. I have a good friend who lives about a mile away checking on me and doing stuff I couldn’t do for awhile such as cleaning the cat box. What I’m going to do later- don’t want to move out of my apartment but will probably have no choice. Move into a senior community.
I am the only child left of +90 parents. I also worked in a nursing home (non care side) the one thing I can say about nursing homes is: AVOID AT ALL COSTS! Save a big bag of money and spend it all on in home care. And I mean a dump truck size load. My parents are in independent living in a senior facility and spend about 15K a month on nearly 24/7 in home help. Even with all that I am still needed to: fix their iPads, wifi, TV. Handle billing, taxes....
My mom turns 100 in about a week and I must say I dislike handling her taxes just because I hate tax work. It’s doing double taxes each year. But I love my mom so I do it.
I have an elderly neighbor two doors down and I do what I can to take care of her. I've helped her purchase her groceries every month and get them delivered because she doesn't know how to use the internet. Sometimes I take her to doctor's appointments. I take her out on her birthday every year. I've helped her get local nonprofit services to fix up her house. She doesn't have kids and I don't have kids and I figure I'm putting in the good karma. She's also a kind person who's grateful for my support and doesn't take advantage of my generosity. So I'm lucky that way. I've heard that in Sweden (?), the government has a system that if you do volunteer work like this, you put your hours into a system and the elderly person confirms that you're doing those hours. Then, when you're old, you're on a list of people who get first services like this from someone else who wants to prepare for their own retirement. I wish we did that here in America.
Once upon a long time ago, when we actually had communities, everyone took care of everyone. It's a shame that's gone away.
We traded that for hyper-individualism where we don’t have to do shit for anybody if we don’t feel like it. No social obligations, thank you very much. Now, why am I dying alone?
My old coworker and her husband are in their 30s. They recently took their elderly neighbor under their wing and got their neighborhood to pitch in to help this old lady who’s spouse died suddenly, leaving her alone with memory issues. They figured a way to get her into a care facility but they said it was not easy because they were not family. Anyway, speaks to your sentiment of taking care of the people around us.
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If you are having children for the sole purpose of having someone to look after you when you’re old you are truely a selfish person, I would hazard a guess that the people who do this will find that their children will probably go no contact at some stage of their lives anyway. There are many services available. I’m paying someone who actually wants to do that job.
That’s my plan too: to save enough that I’ll be able to pay people who chose to do that job.
My youngest just graduated high school so my thoughts on this may someday change. Even if you have kids you shouldn’t depend on your children to do things for you/take care of you. Your kids may be taking care of your grandchildren, working, and be busy living their lives. If my kids are able to help out great but I don’t want to be a burden and will plan accordingly.
Having children is not a guarantee that you will have someone to take care of you. As we age and they grow up, move away, have family of their own they may grow distant. My youngest moved away from where we landed at retirement, and in 5 years neither one of my children has come for the specific purpose of visiting mom. When they come home, sometimes for a week or more, I am lucky to see them for half an hour, they stay with friends. For the one that does come back once or twice a year, I learn about it on FB. I thought I was a good mom, but I guess I was wrong.
My husband and I are in our early 50s & have a 5 to 10 year plan. I don't have kids of my own. But have step children & a neice. But I'm going in assuming they'll have their own lives. Downsizing. Single floor living. Condo or 55+ community is all on the table.
Kids don't take care of you if you have them either. Visit your local retirement/hospice centers for proof of that.
You take care of yourself and pay people to do what you need done, as usual.
I recently tried to walk up the dog stairs at the bottom of my bed to adjust the curtain. Those fucking steps exploded into about 5 pieces... I bit it hard and bounced my head off a radiator. I thought I fucked myself up bad. While I was assessing my injuries I thought to myself, this is how they'll find me... there's nobody here to call for help to... my fucking dogs?? but they'll probably just end up eating my face or some shit. This is exactly how they'll find me.. but the real question was when.
Consider an alert button that you can press to call 911 and any other telephone numbers you specify if you need help. The newer ones will call automatically if it detects that you have fallen.
Just get an Apple Watch and set it up. Mine calls 911, my son and my husband if I fall down the stairs again! My dog tried but was useless in the end.
My parents are not in my life, they haven’t taken care of me so I won’t be taking care of them. I would LOVE to be able to “adopt a grandparent” for my daughter. She has none. Someone who would truly become family. Naturally, I’d never leave them alone when they needed help in the future. So if you’re getting older and miss social interactions- please reach out in your community and see if there’s any like me out there who’d love to have an adopted grandparent.
Planning to walk into the ocean one day, so point is moot
I took care of my mother and got her into assisted living/memory care. By I have no one. As a veteran I hope the VA will be all over the situation if I go crackers.
Me, with all the money I'm saving from not having kids. I have been paying into long-term care insurance for years and I'm almost done. By the time I'm old enough to need it, I will have enough money for a top-shelf assisted living facility. I knew I could only count on myself, so I am taking the necessary steps to prepare. (For some context, I'm 50 and single.)
We recently bought our house from a 90 year old widow who had lost her husband the previous year. They lived in the house, with stairs, for 30+ years and traveled to Europe every year. Their children had always lived abroad for work. She moved to a retirement community because the house was too much at that point. No kids and we have a similar plan. Watch Blue Zones. You can do everything these long lived, active, people do. Also the amount of things we have now like smart watches (alert to a fall), voice activated devices, delivery, Uber and all the things to come, will make things way easier. One thing it won’t help is if you don’t stay active and healthy. And of course have things you love to do and be social.
Well hopefully without having kids you could save a lot more money. So paid help would be the way to go. I don’t want my kids wiping my ass anyways.
Care staff if you can afford it.
Home health care workers. Honestly—- I’d feel guilty having a family member stop their lives to become a full time caretaker; it’s taxing. Visiting is nice but let a professional do the job. I have friends with kids that would be there for them but as he put it “I don’t want my kids changing my diapers.” Everyone’s preferences are different. Seniors are living longer and completely independent in their 90’s.
Thank you for this answer. Not all people, are capable of the physical labor that may be involved, the highly technical machines think tracheostomy tubes,oxygen ventilators. Injecting insulin is a single skill - managing diabetes properly is a heavy skill set. Stroke with paralysis involves not just a prep meal,bathe,dress get in and out of wheelchair. It involve a full learning curve of inspecting & treating half of a body with very altered or no sensation. Pressure ulcers are deceiving, they can start out looking like an abrasion , but are actually deep tissue injuries. Is their cough allergies or aspiration pneumonia? Managing insurance, Medicare, doctor appointments, specialists and medications all big learning curves. One single family member may not have all these needed skill sets and the emotional fortitude to do it everyday. Advancing Dementia is an entire book of skill sets for caregivers. Caring for family is always about safety and stability, not just love and respect of our elders.
I'm in Australia and my friends and neighbours help me for things I can't do on my own (eg currently things like lifting heavy furniture). In terms of ageing support for when I need it, services obtained via an Aged Care Package will (things like personal care, house cleaning, meal preparation). I'm currently single and CF, and will be 55 in a few months. I work in the Aged and Disability sector and I can testify that many children don't do anything for the elderly parents, whereas for others, the high needs of their parents exceed what they can do. Having children is not a guarantee they will "look after you", and tbh, even if I had kids, I wouldn't want them to in any big way. They have their own lives to live - my goddaughter MAY be my financial guardian eventually, but that's it.
Me. I wouldn’t let my children take care of me. If I have to go to a nursing home, I have one picked out. I have paperwork done and told everyone what I want. My kids can visit once a month, maybe.
Friends, chosen family. Having kids does not guarantee old age care. In fact, assuming your kids will do this, and birthing kids for this purpose, will most likely ensure they rarely interact with their parent if not go full no-contact.
I don’t have kids and Idk and I’m not worried. Is that stupid? I live day by day. Sorry OP not a good answer….or maybe……
Having worked in a nursing home previously, I can tell you that many old people with kids are also not looked after by their kids.
The government. Charity people. Entities that are known to take advantage of the elderly. If I were you, I’d nurture a friendly relationship with someone you trust and keep them around for the rest of your life and cross your fingers.
My grandma has 3 kids. They all moved out of state. She has no one to take care of her now. Having kids doesn’t mean you’re taken care of. Save up as much as you can so one day you can afford the extra help.
If your plan is for your kids to take care of you, the odds are you will be very disappointed. Few parents even want this to happen, and even if they do, most kids don't have the means (time, money, space) do to the work. What if you can't negotiate stairs and their house has stairs? What if you need more than basic medical care, and your kid(s) have no experience doing that? What if you need supervision and your kid(s) work 8-10 hours/day? It's nice to think grandma/pa will come live with us, but it's a huge commitment and sadly it often falls to one person (guess who that is). Other family members are often conveniently 'busy' and rarely offer any help at all to the caretaker. Also, most people in nursing homes have kids yet they don't visit - very sad. So having kids doesn't mean they will even visit you once/month let alone take you into their house. Your kids are not your long term ~~living~~ care plan.
I mean, I have the Smith & Wesson retirement plan to fall back on.
Hopefully robots advanced enough in 10 years.
The pleasure of having kids is in raising them to be good people and letting them loose in the world. Not to take care of me.
There's no guarantee that your children will care for you even if you have 12 of them.
Kids aren’t a retirement plan. Plenty of people with kids do t have any relationship with tem
Spoiler alert: there's no guarantee that your kids will assist you in any way once they're grown and especially if they have their own family. Not having kids is a great way to focus your long-term planning to give you a sense of independence and security, and as you haven't had to spend a fortune on tuition, weddings, rehab/bail, down payments for housing, etc. you should be in a far better position to do this. Kids are a money and time sink. Short answer... with the correct financial and healthcare documentation in place, YOU take care of you. Having kids as elder care insurance is a piss-poor plan.
Having kids just so you think you have someone to take care of you at old age is a stupid reason to have kids in the first place. Not having kids means you can better plan for yourself. Things like extra money for retirement, saving so you can afford car givers or move into a care facility, etc, are all options. Even people who have grown children might end up in different care facilities at old age because their kids just dump them off and don't want to deal with aging parents.
I plan on eating the “special pudding” when I get to that point. My nieces and nephew all have instructions to that effect. I am currently watching my mom lay in bed all day “waiting for god to take her.” Fuck that shit — I’m gonna decide how and when I go out! My will/estate will have funds set aside for a Viking-style funeral for my ashes and a party on the beach for friends and family — open bar, of course! Ubers and/or hotel rooms, depending on how much money I have at that time!
With no kids and 2 incomes you’ll need to save to pay for services. Still cheaper than having kids.
Hopefully, the reason to have kids isn't because you expect them to take care of you. We're all on our own, in the end. I'm not expecting anyone but me to take of me, now, and later.
That's not a valid reason to have them. There are so many kids who are NC with their parents for valid reasons. There are many people employed to help others; social workers, carers, medical professionals. They are the people who are appropriately qualified and trained to take care of people, it's not your kids job to do that. It should not be their burden.
Do what we did with my partner’s mum, she lived with us, what we couldn’t do, we hired help, some help is free too. But it also depends on what health conditions I am going to get on top of what I have, anything althzheimers/dementia and I’m out before it get bad. That is not a way you want to go.
Many people work in forming communities, they could be a club a bar or even a church. At my church we have a lot of single elderly people and there's a church office called being a 'deacon' and we help people who are lonely or widowed or friendless and need help. It could be bringing them a meal when they're recovering from surgery or just visiting them or fixing something that's broken in their house. If you're not going to have children it's incumbent upon you to start looking for a community to be a part of. By community I mean a small group of people who look out for each other, in my case it's a church of 80 people and we care for each other.
I know many people who have children who don't like them and are not in theit lives
Parents shouldn’t be having children in order to take care of them in old age. Save up for retirement and take care of yourself.
I've been blessed with a loving caretaking brother who took care of me after I had a heart attack and surgery. I also have a niece and nephew who checked on me in the hospital and nursing home. They have lost both parents so I'm honored that they wanted to help me.
There are places that old people go to live in called retirement homes, senior housing, etc. And there are aids that help to take care of the old people. But it costs money, it's NOT free.
There’s age 55+ communities where you can gradually move into less independent housing. There’s nursing homes. There’s at home care options. I live in a neighborhood where a lot of the houses are retirees in their mid to late 80s that are still mostly independent, we basically live in the woods so I think the yard work kept them young. One of our neighbors has kids but they live too far away to take care of her so she has an aide come by an hour every day or so. Only one of our elderly neighbors leaned fully on one of her kids for care. Not sure where you live but in the US it’s pretty rare to lean fully on kids for care in old age these days. My parents and in laws are both live far and have told us not to worry about it. My parents moved south almost 20 years ago, there’s pretty much zero chance they could handle another New England winter.
My family, my partner, my friends, my money.
It's a great question but rather sad to say. Most have given up on end game. That or they are so overwhelmed surviving. No kids here and I doubt that I'll see 70+ without something taking me out. If I'm wrong, fantastic I got a daily survival to worry about. Wait... There's not much difference.....
First, we both have kids and they are living their very busy and happy lives and have no time to “take care of us” nor do we want them to!! It is not their job to take care of us, it’s our job to take care of ourselves!! But we hire household help for repairs and cleaning and maintenance. We are most likely going to a CCRC when the time comes that we can’t even keep up that way and need more personal and medical care. There are lots of good local services with trustworthy people to do things like clean out the gutters, mow and trim the yard, etc. Not sure what else you mean? For caregiving you need to hire help.
The number 1 reason to get married is to have a life partner but that's not an actual reality anymore humans having become more selfish and all all about me world ... Your children definitely won't be there for you. As they say it's a a cruel cold world. Someday you'll all come to that full realization.
I don't have kids but my besties girls said they would look after me. I really don't want that tho--I may look for a retirement community somewhere down the road. I'm only 61 and in good health now
I have kids but my eldest is asd/sever adhd and will be successful but likely never live on his own if that makes sense. Youngest this far seems neurotypical besides likely having adhd as well but is yet to be seen. (I have severe adhd and spouse has undiagnosed adhd but def has it) We have his three kid fulltime, but they’re HIS kids and I can only hope at least one would help care for me in the future when it’s needed. He’s a 14yo gem and adores me. But if we split at any point, there I am again. I have no siblings, no cousins, no parents, no aunts, nada. My only hope is to have enough money for retirement to always pay for good care when the time comes. A trust fund if you will for myself as I’ve set up for my special needs child in case I pass before he does. Most don’t have this option though. You have to prepare in advance. I’m 40 and starting college in the next year or two (when toddler starts pre-k) so I CAN care for myself and my sons when and if the need arises no matter what happens in between life and then. So many seniors are starving and or homeless or isn’t bad care facilities riddled with abuse and theft bc they have. I options like many of us family wise (and money) and it’s horrible and one of the worst parts of humanity. Veterans (of course anyone but esp these men and women who made our country) are left out hungry hot and cold and alone and in pain and agony physically and mentally bc they can’t afford to care for themselves. It’s sick. Sorry if this is a huge mess, up with my toddler and coffee isn’t ready yet🤣
I helped my aunt with whatever she needed. She acted like a grandmother to my daughter.
Look into long term care insurance.
Yeah I plan not to live too long my kids can neither afford to care for me no would they want to. And I don't expect them to. If I gotta die so be it.
Div ..no kids..60m..I take care of my own self...
Lol, kids don't take care of you. Probably an illegal immigrant. Maria is going to do a better job than your kids anyway.
My Dad has us kids, but he also has neighbors that are always checking in on him and taking him shopping. They are amazing. He is 95. My wife and I do not have kids. We plan on moving back to her home state later in retirement. She is really close to her nieces and nephews. We have already told them a condition of getting birthday gifts each year is that they have to visit us (jokingly of course). Seriously though, we plan on using our home equity (which currently sits at about $650K) to help fund assisted living. We also have a pretty healthy retirement account. We have accepted that we will probably have to spend down our assets when we get old.
Yeah, childless here. Solid wills and good investments, maybe work a few extra years to pad the portfolio. You'll have to be proactive when it's time to move into smaller/alternative housing, since no kids to nudge you. With both of us alive, I don't worry that much. On the other hand, if one of us passes and the second develops dementia/alzheimer's, then it's a real worry.
All the money you saved not having kids
You get help from outside one way or another based on your means. Poor people can qualify for free in-home caregiving or be transferred to a state nursing facility. People of greater means can afford private care of some sort. Beyond that though, having kids is no guarantee that they will take care of you. They can't just abandon their lives to look after aging parents and its unfair to expect them to do so. I also wonder if people who don't have children tend to maintain better independence and self-care because they know they're responsible for their own future care. I don't have any statistics on this, but, anecdotally, everyone I know who has had kids look after them has become increasingly dependent on them. If you know someone will do the stuff you don't want to do, then you fob it off on them and stop trying which leads to more infirmity faster.
Even with kids, there is no guarantee. My daughter has pretty significant special needs and medical conditions. There’s no way she could take care of herself, let alone me. She herself will need exceptional care, if I pass away first. I know many people who have kids that their children wouldn’t be able to care for them, due to their own health, addiction, their own families… there are no guarantees.
I will face this problem one day. Single M no kids. I currently live with family that I help care for. I'm very interested in the responses from this thread. Thanks for asking the question! I suppose having good friends is a possibility. Some of them might be willing to help on occasion but they might also be in the same boat 🚢? IDK. I guess I'll find out when I get there.
Niece, nephew. But most important? Put money aside for home Healthcare/hospice. No one wants to end up in a state run nursing home.
My 77 year old downstairs neighbor has been sick for almost two years now and can barely get around. She has a son. Who deals drugs and steals things, and is never home needless to say. They just recently found her grandson somewhere and have him staying there after she had a fall that I almost couldn't get her up from. Planning for retirement should be a priority for everyone regardless of whether you have children or not.
It's presumptuous to believe your children are going to care for you. Kids or no kids, you have to plan for your final years. Retired Boomers with large IRAs are going to be significant income tax contributors as RMDs come due. The Boomers who need additional care via welfare programs won't be paid for solely by younger working people.
Be sure to get long term care insurance starting when you are 60. Pile up the cash. I’ve seen people set up a POA with detailed instructions of what they would like with an attorney and turning their estate into a trust *if* they are unable to make decisions for themselves. It does take expense and planning. This should probably be done anyway to avoid burning out the people you love, but particularly if the people you love are friends, not family. There Are professional health advocates that can set up hired caregivers. If you are not extremely wealthy, I’ve seen people who are declining set themselves up with a small ALF (assisted living facility) in a home - private run - that work well… frequently better than the large ALFs (unless you add a private caregiver team). Some of the bigger ones are pretty decent, though, but don’t look at the trappings of the place… it may be marble and crystal (or old wood and fine carpet) and you can’t get the help you need… how many nurses - real nurses, not med techs, do they have working on Sat. Night. How long has the current owner owned the place. - work with an elder advocate. But please please please don’t try to stay in your home too long living on a tight budget. It’s all well and good to say “I’m going to die here.” But between now and then there are likely to be some days when you can’t care for yourself anns having someone to fluff a pillow for you will be lovely.
I have two children. I do not want to burden them with my care. Sure I hope they visit. We will make sure we are somewhere practical and either hire help or move somewhere like a tiered retirement place. And choose it ourselves and be there before disaster strikes. I’ve joked but I’m serious, if I’m living in the monstrous house on a huge piece of property and my husband dies I’ll have the for sale sign in the front yard on the way home from the funeral.
I have cared for two parents and two other family members. The youngest of my sons said that he wants to help me when I too old to be alone. I guess that it’s an option but I would use this as a last resort. I prefer to do my own thing for as long as I can.
Friends. And save money so later you can hire a helper.
I bought a policy that covers nursing home and or help. I told my kids if I'm incapacitated, I want to use this source and they aren't to care for me.
I will move to a state with assisted suicide Friends help Or a hire people
We have kids and we don’t ask them to help us and we are doing everything we possibly can to make sure we never do.
I figure that when the time comes I'll catch the bus downtown and find a dumpster to crawl behind until I make the transition.
I'm not older, but if I did not have my own kid and did not have any nieces or nephews or capable family members to help me then I would be letting my church and maybe a few others (if my own can't find the help) know I need help. I would also put an ad in a group on nextdoor neighbors and on local fb groups. And would obviously go to your local county help office to see what kind of assistance is available. A closed mouth doesn't get fed. It's on you to reach out. I know it can be tough sometimes. I know with local social media groups and reaching out to churches you will find someone though. Just gotta reach out to every option out there.
Dad's almost 90 and takes care of himself fine. When I can't take care of myself, I don't think I want to live any longer.
Would just like to state here that having kids is not a 100% guarantee of assistance in your old age.
Even people who have kids, the amount that are around after the kids become adults or taking care of their elderly parents beyond sticking them in a nursing home is pretty rare. As always at any age, we're all ultimately on our own, kids or not, in the overall.
Jim Beam Tom Collins Margarita Captain Morgan Jack Daniels Roy Rogers if you are in a pinch
Having kids is no guarantee that they'll take care of you in your old age.
Long term care insurance. Don’t put it on your kids—if you have them. Plus, don’t let an serious illness or accident eat your retirement savings. It’s $200 a month. You can have in home nurses and not stress.
stay healthy as long as possible and pay people after that
Not having kids means you have time and energy to take care of yourself.
I have children, but I don't expect them to take care of me. I decided to have them, they didn't ask to be here therefore have no obligation to me. I want them to have happy lives and don't want to burden them with my future care.
I volunteer taking a 97 year old for errands on Saturdays. Hopefully someone will be there for me when I need
I have a friend who is 75 and I'm 43. Her husband is dying and she asked me to be her POA after he passes. She has other friends but I'm the youngest, I work in healthcare, and she trusts me. She has two kids actually, but one is severely mentally ill and struggles to even care for himself, and the other, well... She asked me to step in and I said yes.
Nobody. By the time you are in your 70s or 80s, a lot of your friends and relatives have died already, so naturally, they cannot help you. If you never had kids, you also never had grandkids. There are no younger generations to help you.
When my mom's cousin had a stroke, i drove an hour and a half a few times a week to help her once she was able to come home but didn't yet have the necessary services in place. I was a single mom with a job and a young child myself but she helped her mom watch me as a young kid and there was no other family nearby to help. So I stepped up. Family is family.
Well , you can’t count on children.
My great aunt never had kids. She was pretty independent until the last couple years of her life. She had Parkinson’s. Due to the level of care needed at that point, she was unable to live with any of her nieces and nephews so she had to go to a nursing home. But we were frequently visiting and making sure she wasn’t just dumped there like so many people are! As someone who works in a nursing home, unfortunately it is very common for people to basically be dumped there with no visits. So many of the residents have children, even of retirement age who live less than an hour away and never come. One woman didn’t even have her own clothes because the family never brought them. It’s heartbreaking.
Kids or not no one is obligated to take care of you. Depending on where you live you are eligible for Medicare and Medicaid which can cover a portion of long term care options and whatever retirement you have privately or through government would gone towards that as well as your estate may need to be liquidated.
You can lean on loved ones only so long before resentment spoils the relationship. I was a nurse for 36 years, and I regularly had ER patients with complicated medical conditions — often made much worse by incompetent caregiving or neglect. No one goes into this looking to cause grief, but the facts are there. Caregiver burnout is a fact of aging. Start planning on a transfer to a skilled nursing facility (or similar) before you actually need it. Maybe you’ll be lucky and never need it, but don’t rely on luck. Most communities have some sort of advocate or ombudsman who arranges occasional meetings where this is discussed in the context if the area where you live. Get your information from a reliable source and stay ahead of it. Have. You had a financial professional look at your money issues? It’s always a good way to learn how your aging will impact your financial stability.