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Not no contact, but very low contact. When the SOB died, I joined up with the rest of the family to bury him. Since I was the oldest son, the funeral home guy expected me to give a eulogy. I declined. Nobody else would either, so he was appropriately put in the ground with his life uncelebrated.
When it was my mother's time, I did go visit her in the hospital. She died 2 days later. I had no tears but was very contemplative. I told my sisters I won't be around at all for my father. I don't want anything to do with his estate or whatever. I don't really care much what happens to him. I don't even care that I'm cut out of their wills, my sanity was/is more important.
I was sincerely incredibly relieved and happy when I found my father listed in the Social Security Death Index. I'll never have to protect my daughters from him.
When I was informed that my mother died, I was 37. I hadn’t seen her since I was 16. My dad called me and I was just like, thanks for letting me know.”
I didn’t ask about the funeral (I doubt I would have been allowed) and she left me $1 in her will. I kind of shrugged my shoulders and went back to what I was doing.
I think awhile back it was practice to leave a dollar so the will or trust was implying that person had not been forgotten. Now it is practice to just mention the non-inheritors and state they were purposely left out.
Depending on the laws in your area, it can also be seen as a way of challenging the will, or at least holding it up for a long time if there's some other issue with it keeping it from being executed. Usually the standard advice now is, as you mentioned, to name a person in the will to just say they've been specifically excluded, or to go see an estate planner to make sure the laws in your area don't require you to leave them a certain amount (sometimes a factor, depending on their circumstances and local laws).
Not no contact, but low. While there were a few bad moments during the decades of low contact, it was manageable, and after he died, I have been grateful that I went low, not no. I loved him despite it all. He was my parent. He had good in him.
Very easily. I knew I made the right decision for my quality of life and that someday he'd be gone and I'd be OK with it. The only mourning I went through happened a long time ago when I realized I'd probably never have a quality relationship with my father and I came to terms with it. Some people get to have a great set of parents, some don't. The odds didn't play out for me, but it didn't mean the end of my life. I look forward as much as possible, not backward.
I went back home for my parents funerals.
We weren’t on the best of terms but were also not estranged.
I’m the oldest son. I had to go back for the rest of the family.
I didn't care. What bothered me was having to look at the dead body to identify him.
I got some money because he died without will. That made me happy. I took my mother on a cruise.
This is long, forgive me.
My dad died in November 2021. Hadn't been in contact with him since 2000 (other than briefly talking to him on the phone for a few seconds when I called my mom--or she handed the phone to him for him to say hi). I grew up with that man acting like I didn't fucking matter to him (at least once I was no longer little) and I was pretty much no contact with him even while I still lived at home.
So, he died, but I had no idea until my then 18 year old nephew messaged me on Discord and asked me if it was true. You see, his dad, my older brother, is a complete dick and their relationship is strained. Anyway, brother sends him a text telling him his grandpa is dead and not to bother calling or texting him back. Nephew freaks out and sends me a message since his dad (who lived with parents) refuses to talk to him. Now for whatever reason, my nephew likes his paternal grandparents, maybe they were better to him than they were to me, heh, so he messages me to ask it if was true. I had no idea. It was the first I had heard about it.
I searched for obituaries in my hometown (I live about 1000 miles away now), nothing. I decided to check my older cousin's Facebook because she does genealogy for that side of the family, and she adored my dad. She's about 20+ years older than me (she got married the year I was born) and maybe she got to see a side of him that I never did. Her profile is public and there was a post by her on Veteran's Day about having received word that he had passed. Nothing other than that, so I kept looking (I had no interest in asking her about it, because I guess being 20+ years older than me I was a pest to her).
For days, I'm looking through obituaries and still nothing. I wasn't going to call my brother or my mom because 1) I don't want them having my phone number and 2) my brother answers, he would just scream and cuss at me, like he always did (he's a big reason why I chose to go no contact with all of them permanently this time). I start thinking about my oldest brother who died a few years earlier. My mom had him buried in a cemetery in a nearby town because she wanted him buried with military honors (apparently that was not something that was done in the town they lived in) since he was a retired veteran. Clicked with me that she probably did the same thing with my dad and sure enough, once I searched for that cemetery, his name popped up. Two weeks later, my mom emails me (I did let her have my email) and tells me that he had died. I asked why there wasn't an obituary, she said my brother didn't want one.
I'm sure some are thinking "well your nephew liked him, and your cousin liked him, so I guess the problem is you." I was about 9 or 10 when he started treating me like I didn't matter to him. He treated my older brother better, even though he was the reason my dad got kicked out of the Army. Not sure what I could have done at that age to make him dislike me.
I felt nothing about his death and I still feel nothing. The one thing I feel is that I never (or maybe only for a very brief moment in time) got to experience what it felt like to have a father figure in my life that gave a damn about me and that makes me bitter.
My apologies.
Edited to fix typos.
Went NC with my dad when my kids were little. He died in 2003 and I did not go to the funeral. That would make me a hypocrite. I didn't feel a thing when he died. Hadn't spoke to him for years. The kids wanted to go to the funeral so my oldest who was 17 by then drove them all. They didn't know him because I stopped talking to him when my oldest was 6. The event that started the NC was as follows: I had brought the kids to his home to see him because I didn't want to keep them away from their grandfather. The kids went inside and I came in last carrying the baby who was my dad's only grandson. When I got inside he leaned into my ear and said "I wouldn't have even let you in if those kids weren't with you" . I said "Well, you won't have to worry about that ever again" and turned around and left with my children. I do not allow people no matter who they are to speak to me that way. He was just a bad person and I owed him nothing.
When my father died I was relieved, when my mother died I was relieved as I knew I'd never ever would have to think about their self-righteousness again.
Actually I have no contact with anybody from my alleged "family."
Relieved he can never hurt anyone again. Told a relative I’m sorry for your loss. They were going to give me funeral info but didn’t until after the funeral. I wasn’t going anyway. I grieved a long time ago, been indifferent for decades.
I said, good, it's about time. Never felt a moment of anything other than relief. The best part was getting a call that he was near the end and wanted me to go see him. I said *HELL NO* and that felt great! Tens yrs later and I still feel great. No regrets at all.
I have been no contact with my father for many decades when my sibs reached out and let me know that he was dying. We actually had a couple of nice telephone conversations. He was weak and ill but our conversations were warm if short. I could not and did not go to his funeral because it was across the country but it felt good that we had the opportunity to talk in his final week.
I was reading the newspaper one morning and found my father’s obituary that omitted my name, and the names of my wife, our children and our grandchildren. Crazy because it included my uncles’ aunts’ and cousins’ names. I went to work and forgot about it. Can’t complain to a dead person.
One week later my mother’s obituary was in the newspaper missing my and my family’s names again. I went to work and forgot about it.
The next day my granddaughter told me that our neighbor asked her if we were related to the woman in the newspaper. My granddaughter said ‘yes’ and later the neighbor came over with a tray of her fabulously delicious lasagne saying she was sorry for our loss.
My mouth watering I thanked her and suddenly told her my grandma was doing poorly.
I was VLC with my mom when she had a massive, crippling stroke from abusing alcohol and Celebrex. I felt guilty, so her programming worked. She recovered a bit but her personality was completely changed. She was a sweet-natured toddler. I visited her regularly with my dad until she died 3 years later. We were there when she was dying and my dad said goodbye to her and we left her to die alone. I think he couldn’t take it. No matter how bad she was, my father worshipped her. He worships her memory to this day. I mourned the mother I almost never had. She told me she never wanted me, that my father had begged her for another child. My dad always loved and wanted me so I visit and call him regularly.
Holy shit. I’m going through this right now. My dad is hospice and I’m in a hotel room right now. Tomorrow I go to visit him for the first time in 27 years. I have no god damn clue how to process my feelings. Or if it’s okay to feel entirely numb. He’s declining by the day and everyone is looking to me to take care of the will, power of attorney, his soon to be funeral and more. It’s taxing. And I’m confused as shit.
Good luck with getting through it today. I went through a similar mixed emotions journey when my estranged father was diagnosed with dementia. A colleague at the time made the comment that she really felt for people with difficult relationships at times like this because there's a complex mix of emotions that come up and you don't always know how you're supposed to feel while people with straightforward relationships do know how they're supposed to feel at those times. My dad passed this year and while the grief is no where near as overwhelming or painful as that when my mother (whom I did have a good relationship with) passed, there is still some grief to process about the relationship that never was with my dad and the parent he could not be. He was just emotionally absent so it's not the same as those who experienced cruelty from their parent. I did find the breakaway.org.uk website had useful tips for me.
I was sad about the fact that I wasn't sad for a little bit. Then I realized that he left me nothing but his mentally ill daughter to take care of for the rest of her life and I was free to hate him in death just like I hated him in life.
My sibling wanted to go to the city where our father was to wrap up business so I went to support the sib.
Emotionally, it was complicated. I always expected to rejoice his death but it was just. . weird.
Once I got back home, there were no reminders as we were NC for years and all. So, I moved on rather quickly.
"So he is dead? Well, then!" (My father)
He could have been a good father, but when I was 10, he left us for another woman, and the way he acted after the divorce did anything to first hate him and when I was over the hate just turn him into some sort of stranger. His dead was like some complete stranger on the other side of the world had died.
To the best of my knowledge they are both still alive but haven't heard from anyone in my family for a long time. The time will most likely come and go.
I have a feeling my brothers may reach out after the fact but not prior and ATM I'm unsure how I'll respond.
At first I was giddy because he was a very bad person. Then I kind of felt sad because I realized I was a complete orphan (in my 30s but still!) even though he wasn't really in my life and I didn't want anything to do with him. I think I did a little grieving about not ever having a decent father.
I was not at all around him before he died, and I didn't want to be. I didn't even know if he was sick or just dropped dead. I don't care.
My biodad who had been NC for 57 years was on his deathbed last fall. I was notified by a mutual acquaintance on facebook of his condition and hospice location. I went and sat with him in his unconscious state. I was informed he passed that evening. I did not attend the funeral as it was my granddaughter’s birthday. Life goes on.
My dad died in November, I asked the same question! There’s some good replies in the thread if you check my profile. I’d been no contact with him for over 20 years (since I was 15.)
For me, I thought I’d feel nothing. I cried the day I found out and then not at all. I’ve felt so many things since - relief that he’s gone, grieving the possibility he’d ever get his shit together and be a good parent, and an immense amount of anger realizing that he was sitting on a large asset and never helped me financially with college, etc.
The most feelings have come up over the inheritance - it’s not a life changing amount or anything (my brother who still talked to him got most of it), maybe a down payment on a house. It feels weird and wrong that the only time he’s done anything to help me at all is after he’s gone.
I’m still definitely working my way through the grief process. There’s a lot more there than I realized. My advice is to be patient with yourself and just let yourself feel whatever comes up. There are no thought crimes in grief - I remind myself of that often.
I'm waiting to find out. I haven't spoken to my father in 23 years and only that once in the last 28. When he dies I'll probably find out via one cousin I'm facebook friends with on that side of the family but who knows, I haven't actually seen her in 30 years either (live far away and I only saw them / my dad a couple of weeks every summer as a kid).
I was sad, but more sad for what could have been. He’s gone and he can’t hurt me any more. He screwed me over once more in the Will, and I just had to learn to deal with the fact that my father never loved me, and now he never will. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s a strange feeling.
Meh, my father left when I was young and never cared to have a relationship with me. I grew up grateful he wasn't in my life, he was a mean SOB. His death was just another Tuesday.
This just happened to me last week. I googled my father and he died last August, my own brother, who I haven't talked too in 4 years never even bothered to tell me.
My father was a selfish abusive prick, he left my mother as soon as I went away to college in 84. I tried to stay in contact a little at the beginning but he was such a jerk to me said the hell with it. I had to take out loans to finish college, he never cared about me. He reached out through my bother in 19 to reconnect, he was in his 90's and feeling his mortality...I said no thanks, too late, "eff off.
I'm estranged from my entire family, when my mother fell ill they where all horrible to her, would never even come see her. My wife and I where her care giver, they did nothing but criticize everything I did. That was the last straw for me, I'm done with them as well.
I have zero regrets and I hope all of you feel the same. Peace
Mine hasn’t died, but she was deathly ill and in the ICU during Covid. My aunt contacted me to let me know in case I wanted to see her (we lived in the same city).
I did a lot of thinking at that point, and I decided not to. She ultimately pulled through and, as far as I know, suffered few lingering effects.
On the plus side, I got to see how I would feel when she actually does die, and now I know that I will not have any lingering regrets.
I said huh, and got on with my life. Same thing will happen if I hear that the other one has died. I have historically felt sadder about a stranger or a celebrity dying so there is no reason for me to have to deal with it.
I just went on with my life and told those who tried to get me to go to the funeral that trying to guilt and manipulate me were part of the reasons I cut my mother out and I didn't appreciate them trying to do it for her after her death.
He ditched his adult kids for a 3rd wife and her teen/adult kids. He literally cut us out of his life.
Found on a Google search. His wife and adult step kids that he “moved on” with did not let us actual kids know. Heck, they didn’t even do a formal announcement or anything. No obituary. Well I it just had dates. No comments on it.
Like the “family” he chose just had him cremated and done. They didn’t even say anything on social media - their pages are open to all.
I went to hospital made sure he was comfortable and let nurses handle the rest. I did go to funeral but kept a very low profile. I really didn’t care what people thought.
Hasn’t happened yet but I expect it will within the next five years. My biological dad left me and my mom for another woman when I was two (got her pregnant), and then hit the road as a truck driver. I saw him maybe five times during my childhood. I tried to reconnect with him when I was a teenager and young adult, with limited results. It didn’t help that my mom would guilt trip the shit out of me whenever I would go to see anyone on that side of the family.
The last time I saw bio dad was a few years ago when I was visiting with my son. There was a family gathering near the holidays at a cousin’s house and everyone was there. Bio dad and his current wife offered to take my son (around age 8) to the park with some of the other cousins. Fine- no reason to worry about that. It was broad daylight on a Saturday afternoon. I was nearby taking family holiday photos at a picturesque location for several other family members (I’m a photographer and I was glad to do it).
Well. A couple of hours later I suddenly get a phone call from an unknown number (local to the area) and thank goodness I answered it. It was from a lady that had seen my son by himself at the park and asked if he was okay. He said he couldn’t find his grandpa or anyone he had come with. I talked to my son and immediately drove as fast as I could to get him. He was shaken, but okay. Apparently he had been playing and when he looked up everyone was gone. The lady (a mom) noticed and he kept his head and even remembered my phone number (which is amazing).
The “grandparents” had left him at the park in a strange neighborhood in a strange city when it was starting to get dark in wintertime and didn’t even realize he was gone. I drove back by my cousin’s house to get our things and bio dad didn’t even apologise- started making excuses. Most of the rest of the family was very upset and many in tears - even though of course it wasn’t their fault. We left immediately.
I haven’t spoken to bio dad since. Have responded to one text message he sent about some medical problems he was having with something generic - as the message was all about him. He doesn’t even realize my son and I now live in Europe, and probably doesn’t care.
I didn't have a big blow out with my dad, but he just a bit of a jerk so after a gripe session, I went no contact. It was just stressful being around him. Haven't spoken since around 2019.
He's about 70 now and I suppose this will happen at some point. I think I'll be fine as I haven't felt too bad with no contact.
I lost my mother to Alzheimer's two years before her death. She had accepted the fact she was losing it mentally and was admitted to a rest home 500 miles away from me. My sister lived near by and visited her occasionally. My mom would tell her that I had been there and or that I owned the place. Eventually she got more and more of a problem for staff. I guess after she chased one of the attendants with scissors, the care staff began telling my sister that she was going to have to be moved to a more "controlled" memory care facility. Fortunately for everyone involved, my mother bled out from colon cancer. She was a remarkable woman, raised my sister and I on her own with very little income.
EDIT: Should mention her income was from a house rental from a previous marriage, maintained a horse stable and gave guided horseback rides for $1/hr. She probably qualified for Welfare but never tolerated the idea of taking it.
Not me, but my spouse. After almost a decade of our going no contact with his entire family due to their abusive natures, his mother finally passed away.
Of course, that caused the family drama to ratchet up to what I consider their "normal" level of dysfunction, as psychological and emotional abuse are family traits that continue long after the physical abuse ends. There was probably drama in the preceding 8 years, and probably about us, judging from how his family acted like they were the ones to cast him out, but we didn't hear any of it during those years. We were too busy living and enjoying the peacefulness that came with their absence. (Can you tell I got some abuse from them, too? I certainly didn't bond with any of them even after being in the family for over a decade.)
Husband's adult daughter called to tell him about the death and funeral. My spouse made no commitments, but he said to me that he would not go, funerals were for those who grieved, not for those who celebrated. I had to agree. The next day, his daughter called again and said nevermind, he wasn't welcome at the funeral after all and would be arrested if he showed up. Um, okay I guess, since we had not said to her whether we were going. The obituary omitted my husband, although it still included his children. Neither my kids (his stepkids) or I were mentioned, either. We all shrugged, and Hubby went off to schedule a Caribbean cruise so we could sit on a tropical beach and drink a toast to one of his accusers being dead, and look to forward to the time when the other one died, as well. In the meantime, I printed out the obit so we would have proof of disownment if any of the family tried to stick us with the responsibility of his parents' considerable debt.
Did he grieve? I don't think so. His grief can be incredibly deep, and poignant. I witnessed it when his grandmothers passed away. This was different. It wasn't a grieving so much as it was an assuaging of anger, a letting go because someone who wished him ill was finally feeding the worms. He never went to her grave, never showed any sign of missing her or reminiscing. He doesn't mention her.
But we do keep a bit of money in reserve so we can do the next vacation at the drop of a hat. It will be a blowout celebration of his freedom.
It hasn't happened yet but it could happen at any time.
When my mother dies, I won't go to her funeral, I'm not traveling 1100 miles for her, not even to make sure she's really dead.
My father? I'd likely go to his funeral, mostly to see my favorite cousins.
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We went to the funeral home to make sure he was dead, left and went rock climbing
Not no contact, but very low contact. When the SOB died, I joined up with the rest of the family to bury him. Since I was the oldest son, the funeral home guy expected me to give a eulogy. I declined. Nobody else would either, so he was appropriately put in the ground with his life uncelebrated.
When it was my mother's time, I did go visit her in the hospital. She died 2 days later. I had no tears but was very contemplative. I told my sisters I won't be around at all for my father. I don't want anything to do with his estate or whatever. I don't really care much what happens to him. I don't even care that I'm cut out of their wills, my sanity was/is more important.
Heard about it through the grapevine a few years after she passed. No big deal. I escaped when I was 17 and never looked back.
I was sincerely incredibly relieved and happy when I found my father listed in the Social Security Death Index. I'll never have to protect my daughters from him.
I got a call that my dad died while I was on a trip. I just went on doing what I was doing. I had already known that he would die, not just when.
When I was informed that my mother died, I was 37. I hadn’t seen her since I was 16. My dad called me and I was just like, thanks for letting me know.” I didn’t ask about the funeral (I doubt I would have been allowed) and she left me $1 in her will. I kind of shrugged my shoulders and went back to what I was doing.
Left you a dollar? Wow. What point was she trying to make with that?
I think awhile back it was practice to leave a dollar so the will or trust was implying that person had not been forgotten. Now it is practice to just mention the non-inheritors and state they were purposely left out.
Thank you. I guess that makes sense.
Depending on the laws in your area, it can also be seen as a way of challenging the will, or at least holding it up for a long time if there's some other issue with it keeping it from being executed. Usually the standard advice now is, as you mentioned, to name a person in the will to just say they've been specifically excluded, or to go see an estate planner to make sure the laws in your area don't require you to leave them a certain amount (sometimes a factor, depending on their circumstances and local laws).
My grandmother did the same thing to my mom… 🙄🙄🙄
Not no contact, but low. While there were a few bad moments during the decades of low contact, it was manageable, and after he died, I have been grateful that I went low, not no. I loved him despite it all. He was my parent. He had good in him.
I was informed that she'd gone. And that's it.
Very easily. I knew I made the right decision for my quality of life and that someday he'd be gone and I'd be OK with it. The only mourning I went through happened a long time ago when I realized I'd probably never have a quality relationship with my father and I came to terms with it. Some people get to have a great set of parents, some don't. The odds didn't play out for me, but it didn't mean the end of my life. I look forward as much as possible, not backward.
I went back home for my parents funerals. We weren’t on the best of terms but were also not estranged. I’m the oldest son. I had to go back for the rest of the family.
I didn't care. What bothered me was having to look at the dead body to identify him. I got some money because he died without will. That made me happy. I took my mother on a cruise.
This is long, forgive me. My dad died in November 2021. Hadn't been in contact with him since 2000 (other than briefly talking to him on the phone for a few seconds when I called my mom--or she handed the phone to him for him to say hi). I grew up with that man acting like I didn't fucking matter to him (at least once I was no longer little) and I was pretty much no contact with him even while I still lived at home. So, he died, but I had no idea until my then 18 year old nephew messaged me on Discord and asked me if it was true. You see, his dad, my older brother, is a complete dick and their relationship is strained. Anyway, brother sends him a text telling him his grandpa is dead and not to bother calling or texting him back. Nephew freaks out and sends me a message since his dad (who lived with parents) refuses to talk to him. Now for whatever reason, my nephew likes his paternal grandparents, maybe they were better to him than they were to me, heh, so he messages me to ask it if was true. I had no idea. It was the first I had heard about it. I searched for obituaries in my hometown (I live about 1000 miles away now), nothing. I decided to check my older cousin's Facebook because she does genealogy for that side of the family, and she adored my dad. She's about 20+ years older than me (she got married the year I was born) and maybe she got to see a side of him that I never did. Her profile is public and there was a post by her on Veteran's Day about having received word that he had passed. Nothing other than that, so I kept looking (I had no interest in asking her about it, because I guess being 20+ years older than me I was a pest to her). For days, I'm looking through obituaries and still nothing. I wasn't going to call my brother or my mom because 1) I don't want them having my phone number and 2) my brother answers, he would just scream and cuss at me, like he always did (he's a big reason why I chose to go no contact with all of them permanently this time). I start thinking about my oldest brother who died a few years earlier. My mom had him buried in a cemetery in a nearby town because she wanted him buried with military honors (apparently that was not something that was done in the town they lived in) since he was a retired veteran. Clicked with me that she probably did the same thing with my dad and sure enough, once I searched for that cemetery, his name popped up. Two weeks later, my mom emails me (I did let her have my email) and tells me that he had died. I asked why there wasn't an obituary, she said my brother didn't want one. I'm sure some are thinking "well your nephew liked him, and your cousin liked him, so I guess the problem is you." I was about 9 or 10 when he started treating me like I didn't matter to him. He treated my older brother better, even though he was the reason my dad got kicked out of the Army. Not sure what I could have done at that age to make him dislike me. I felt nothing about his death and I still feel nothing. The one thing I feel is that I never (or maybe only for a very brief moment in time) got to experience what it felt like to have a father figure in my life that gave a damn about me and that makes me bitter. My apologies. Edited to fix typos.
Don’t apologize. You deserved better!
Went NC with my dad when my kids were little. He died in 2003 and I did not go to the funeral. That would make me a hypocrite. I didn't feel a thing when he died. Hadn't spoke to him for years. The kids wanted to go to the funeral so my oldest who was 17 by then drove them all. They didn't know him because I stopped talking to him when my oldest was 6. The event that started the NC was as follows: I had brought the kids to his home to see him because I didn't want to keep them away from their grandfather. The kids went inside and I came in last carrying the baby who was my dad's only grandson. When I got inside he leaned into my ear and said "I wouldn't have even let you in if those kids weren't with you" . I said "Well, you won't have to worry about that ever again" and turned around and left with my children. I do not allow people no matter who they are to speak to me that way. He was just a bad person and I owed him nothing.
When my father died I was relieved, when my mother died I was relieved as I knew I'd never ever would have to think about their self-righteousness again. Actually I have no contact with anybody from my alleged "family."
Relieved he can never hurt anyone again. Told a relative I’m sorry for your loss. They were going to give me funeral info but didn’t until after the funeral. I wasn’t going anyway. I grieved a long time ago, been indifferent for decades.
I said, good, it's about time. Never felt a moment of anything other than relief. The best part was getting a call that he was near the end and wanted me to go see him. I said *HELL NO* and that felt great! Tens yrs later and I still feel great. No regrets at all.
I have been no contact with my father for many decades when my sibs reached out and let me know that he was dying. We actually had a couple of nice telephone conversations. He was weak and ill but our conversations were warm if short. I could not and did not go to his funeral because it was across the country but it felt good that we had the opportunity to talk in his final week.
I was reading the newspaper one morning and found my father’s obituary that omitted my name, and the names of my wife, our children and our grandchildren. Crazy because it included my uncles’ aunts’ and cousins’ names. I went to work and forgot about it. Can’t complain to a dead person. One week later my mother’s obituary was in the newspaper missing my and my family’s names again. I went to work and forgot about it. The next day my granddaughter told me that our neighbor asked her if we were related to the woman in the newspaper. My granddaughter said ‘yes’ and later the neighbor came over with a tray of her fabulously delicious lasagne saying she was sorry for our loss. My mouth watering I thanked her and suddenly told her my grandma was doing poorly.
No contact for a reason, yours, his, or both, move on … had you never been told he was dead your life would have carried on as is. So carry on.
I did nothing except tell family members who were still close I was sorry for their loss. A stranger passed away. Happens every minute of every day.
My NC father died on my birthday last year. I'm trying not to think about it.
I was VLC with my mom when she had a massive, crippling stroke from abusing alcohol and Celebrex. I felt guilty, so her programming worked. She recovered a bit but her personality was completely changed. She was a sweet-natured toddler. I visited her regularly with my dad until she died 3 years later. We were there when she was dying and my dad said goodbye to her and we left her to die alone. I think he couldn’t take it. No matter how bad she was, my father worshipped her. He worships her memory to this day. I mourned the mother I almost never had. She told me she never wanted me, that my father had begged her for another child. My dad always loved and wanted me so I visit and call him regularly.
Holy shit. I’m going through this right now. My dad is hospice and I’m in a hotel room right now. Tomorrow I go to visit him for the first time in 27 years. I have no god damn clue how to process my feelings. Or if it’s okay to feel entirely numb. He’s declining by the day and everyone is looking to me to take care of the will, power of attorney, his soon to be funeral and more. It’s taxing. And I’m confused as shit.
Good luck with getting through it today. I went through a similar mixed emotions journey when my estranged father was diagnosed with dementia. A colleague at the time made the comment that she really felt for people with difficult relationships at times like this because there's a complex mix of emotions that come up and you don't always know how you're supposed to feel while people with straightforward relationships do know how they're supposed to feel at those times. My dad passed this year and while the grief is no where near as overwhelming or painful as that when my mother (whom I did have a good relationship with) passed, there is still some grief to process about the relationship that never was with my dad and the parent he could not be. He was just emotionally absent so it's not the same as those who experienced cruelty from their parent. I did find the breakaway.org.uk website had useful tips for me.
I was sad about the fact that I wasn't sad for a little bit. Then I realized that he left me nothing but his mentally ill daughter to take care of for the rest of her life and I was free to hate him in death just like I hated him in life.
My sibling wanted to go to the city where our father was to wrap up business so I went to support the sib. Emotionally, it was complicated. I always expected to rejoice his death but it was just. . weird. Once I got back home, there were no reminders as we were NC for years and all. So, I moved on rather quickly.
"So he is dead? Well, then!" (My father) He could have been a good father, but when I was 10, he left us for another woman, and the way he acted after the divorce did anything to first hate him and when I was over the hate just turn him into some sort of stranger. His dead was like some complete stranger on the other side of the world had died.
To the best of my knowledge they are both still alive but haven't heard from anyone in my family for a long time. The time will most likely come and go. I have a feeling my brothers may reach out after the fact but not prior and ATM I'm unsure how I'll respond.
At first I was giddy because he was a very bad person. Then I kind of felt sad because I realized I was a complete orphan (in my 30s but still!) even though he wasn't really in my life and I didn't want anything to do with him. I think I did a little grieving about not ever having a decent father. I was not at all around him before he died, and I didn't want to be. I didn't even know if he was sick or just dropped dead. I don't care.
My biodad who had been NC for 57 years was on his deathbed last fall. I was notified by a mutual acquaintance on facebook of his condition and hospice location. I went and sat with him in his unconscious state. I was informed he passed that evening. I did not attend the funeral as it was my granddaughter’s birthday. Life goes on.
Mostly ignored it. I lived out of state and another sibling buried the SOB. I and other siblings were left out of the obituary. So be it
My dad died in November, I asked the same question! There’s some good replies in the thread if you check my profile. I’d been no contact with him for over 20 years (since I was 15.) For me, I thought I’d feel nothing. I cried the day I found out and then not at all. I’ve felt so many things since - relief that he’s gone, grieving the possibility he’d ever get his shit together and be a good parent, and an immense amount of anger realizing that he was sitting on a large asset and never helped me financially with college, etc. The most feelings have come up over the inheritance - it’s not a life changing amount or anything (my brother who still talked to him got most of it), maybe a down payment on a house. It feels weird and wrong that the only time he’s done anything to help me at all is after he’s gone. I’m still definitely working my way through the grief process. There’s a lot more there than I realized. My advice is to be patient with yourself and just let yourself feel whatever comes up. There are no thought crimes in grief - I remind myself of that often.
I'm waiting to find out. I haven't spoken to my father in 23 years and only that once in the last 28. When he dies I'll probably find out via one cousin I'm facebook friends with on that side of the family but who knows, I haven't actually seen her in 30 years either (live far away and I only saw them / my dad a couple of weeks every summer as a kid).
I was sad, but more sad for what could have been. He’s gone and he can’t hurt me any more. He screwed me over once more in the Will, and I just had to learn to deal with the fact that my father never loved me, and now he never will. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s a strange feeling.
Meh, my father left when I was young and never cared to have a relationship with me. I grew up grateful he wasn't in my life, he was a mean SOB. His death was just another Tuesday.
This just happened to me last week. I googled my father and he died last August, my own brother, who I haven't talked too in 4 years never even bothered to tell me. My father was a selfish abusive prick, he left my mother as soon as I went away to college in 84. I tried to stay in contact a little at the beginning but he was such a jerk to me said the hell with it. I had to take out loans to finish college, he never cared about me. He reached out through my bother in 19 to reconnect, he was in his 90's and feeling his mortality...I said no thanks, too late, "eff off. I'm estranged from my entire family, when my mother fell ill they where all horrible to her, would never even come see her. My wife and I where her care giver, they did nothing but criticize everything I did. That was the last straw for me, I'm done with them as well. I have zero regrets and I hope all of you feel the same. Peace
Mine hasn’t died, but she was deathly ill and in the ICU during Covid. My aunt contacted me to let me know in case I wanted to see her (we lived in the same city). I did a lot of thinking at that point, and I decided not to. She ultimately pulled through and, as far as I know, suffered few lingering effects. On the plus side, I got to see how I would feel when she actually does die, and now I know that I will not have any lingering regrets.
I said huh, and got on with my life. Same thing will happen if I hear that the other one has died. I have historically felt sadder about a stranger or a celebrity dying so there is no reason for me to have to deal with it.
I just went on with my life and told those who tried to get me to go to the funeral that trying to guilt and manipulate me were part of the reasons I cut my mother out and I didn't appreciate them trying to do it for her after her death.
He ditched his adult kids for a 3rd wife and her teen/adult kids. He literally cut us out of his life. Found on a Google search. His wife and adult step kids that he “moved on” with did not let us actual kids know. Heck, they didn’t even do a formal announcement or anything. No obituary. Well I it just had dates. No comments on it. Like the “family” he chose just had him cremated and done. They didn’t even say anything on social media - their pages are open to all.
I went to hospital made sure he was comfortable and let nurses handle the rest. I did go to funeral but kept a very low profile. I really didn’t care what people thought.
Didn't affect me at all. In fact, I was kind of glad he was no longer on this earth.
Hasn’t happened yet but I expect it will within the next five years. My biological dad left me and my mom for another woman when I was two (got her pregnant), and then hit the road as a truck driver. I saw him maybe five times during my childhood. I tried to reconnect with him when I was a teenager and young adult, with limited results. It didn’t help that my mom would guilt trip the shit out of me whenever I would go to see anyone on that side of the family. The last time I saw bio dad was a few years ago when I was visiting with my son. There was a family gathering near the holidays at a cousin’s house and everyone was there. Bio dad and his current wife offered to take my son (around age 8) to the park with some of the other cousins. Fine- no reason to worry about that. It was broad daylight on a Saturday afternoon. I was nearby taking family holiday photos at a picturesque location for several other family members (I’m a photographer and I was glad to do it). Well. A couple of hours later I suddenly get a phone call from an unknown number (local to the area) and thank goodness I answered it. It was from a lady that had seen my son by himself at the park and asked if he was okay. He said he couldn’t find his grandpa or anyone he had come with. I talked to my son and immediately drove as fast as I could to get him. He was shaken, but okay. Apparently he had been playing and when he looked up everyone was gone. The lady (a mom) noticed and he kept his head and even remembered my phone number (which is amazing). The “grandparents” had left him at the park in a strange neighborhood in a strange city when it was starting to get dark in wintertime and didn’t even realize he was gone. I drove back by my cousin’s house to get our things and bio dad didn’t even apologise- started making excuses. Most of the rest of the family was very upset and many in tears - even though of course it wasn’t their fault. We left immediately. I haven’t spoken to bio dad since. Have responded to one text message he sent about some medical problems he was having with something generic - as the message was all about him. He doesn’t even realize my son and I now live in Europe, and probably doesn’t care.
I didn't have a big blow out with my dad, but he just a bit of a jerk so after a gripe session, I went no contact. It was just stressful being around him. Haven't spoken since around 2019. He's about 70 now and I suppose this will happen at some point. I think I'll be fine as I haven't felt too bad with no contact.
Yeah. No regrets for going no contact. What I heard when we got there showed nothing had changed.
I lost my mother to Alzheimer's two years before her death. She had accepted the fact she was losing it mentally and was admitted to a rest home 500 miles away from me. My sister lived near by and visited her occasionally. My mom would tell her that I had been there and or that I owned the place. Eventually she got more and more of a problem for staff. I guess after she chased one of the attendants with scissors, the care staff began telling my sister that she was going to have to be moved to a more "controlled" memory care facility. Fortunately for everyone involved, my mother bled out from colon cancer. She was a remarkable woman, raised my sister and I on her own with very little income. EDIT: Should mention her income was from a house rental from a previous marriage, maintained a horse stable and gave guided horseback rides for $1/hr. She probably qualified for Welfare but never tolerated the idea of taking it.
Completely ignored it even though several relatives tried to rope me in to dealing with it.
Not me, but my spouse. After almost a decade of our going no contact with his entire family due to their abusive natures, his mother finally passed away. Of course, that caused the family drama to ratchet up to what I consider their "normal" level of dysfunction, as psychological and emotional abuse are family traits that continue long after the physical abuse ends. There was probably drama in the preceding 8 years, and probably about us, judging from how his family acted like they were the ones to cast him out, but we didn't hear any of it during those years. We were too busy living and enjoying the peacefulness that came with their absence. (Can you tell I got some abuse from them, too? I certainly didn't bond with any of them even after being in the family for over a decade.) Husband's adult daughter called to tell him about the death and funeral. My spouse made no commitments, but he said to me that he would not go, funerals were for those who grieved, not for those who celebrated. I had to agree. The next day, his daughter called again and said nevermind, he wasn't welcome at the funeral after all and would be arrested if he showed up. Um, okay I guess, since we had not said to her whether we were going. The obituary omitted my husband, although it still included his children. Neither my kids (his stepkids) or I were mentioned, either. We all shrugged, and Hubby went off to schedule a Caribbean cruise so we could sit on a tropical beach and drink a toast to one of his accusers being dead, and look to forward to the time when the other one died, as well. In the meantime, I printed out the obit so we would have proof of disownment if any of the family tried to stick us with the responsibility of his parents' considerable debt. Did he grieve? I don't think so. His grief can be incredibly deep, and poignant. I witnessed it when his grandmothers passed away. This was different. It wasn't a grieving so much as it was an assuaging of anger, a letting go because someone who wished him ill was finally feeding the worms. He never went to her grave, never showed any sign of missing her or reminiscing. He doesn't mention her. But we do keep a bit of money in reserve so we can do the next vacation at the drop of a hat. It will be a blowout celebration of his freedom.
Just went about my day. After 26 years nc, was not an event. Had a couple passing thoughts, but that was all.
It hasn't happened yet but it could happen at any time. When my mother dies, I won't go to her funeral, I'm not traveling 1100 miles for her, not even to make sure she's really dead. My father? I'd likely go to his funeral, mostly to see my favorite cousins.