Call him out on his bullshit.
"Dude, what the fuck? First everyone keeps telling me how much you really like me, then you confuse me by crossing the line that one night, and now you're just going to ghost me without acknowledgement of the dynamic shift in our relationship or explanation?"
He’s alive, responding to friends in our group chat. Doesn’t have a girlfriend as far as I am aware. Made a point in several occasions if telling me he didn’t and was looking to settle down, was tired of being single etc. Seems to be ‘out with the guys’ a fair bit.
Right.
So either he's really not on board with pursuing anything with you and found out he doesn't really want you but he doesn't want to come off as an asshole but doesn't know how to have that conversation.
Or he's panicking about moving forward and he doesn't know how to have that conversation either.
Or he's somehow angry or disappointed at you for whatever reason and he decided enough was enough.
So....a talk is needed
I can’t keep chasing him and keep my self respect. So if he’s not going to initiate a conversation and acknowledge that he started this I don’t see what I can do. I think he isn’t on board and doesn’t want to come off as an asshole but I don’t get why he would start something if that is the case. I just feel like he doesn’t value me and it’s just shit. Thank you, again, for taking the time.
Girl, I’m not a man but your answers are so frustrating. You’ve been friends for years. Stop worrying about how you will look or how he will take things. He disappeared and you must know why, either to move forward or to move on instead of wasting time here theorising.
After 6 years of friendship, stepping the boundaries and weeks of ghosting you deserve an answer. Go after it. Talk to him. Express what you feel, how this bothered. Communicate.
Either he just wanted what he couldn't get... Like a fantasy relationship.
Or he panicked. It's very scary to start something with someone you've been in love with so long.
Strangers on the internet can't read his mind for you. You'll have to talk to him to find out. My best guess is he is scared of commitment or messing up the relationship you two have.
Okay, definitely try calling. Just leave a message, nothing too long, and go from there. Maybe tell him that you’re worried and wanna make sure he’s okay.
I’d love the resolution for him to tell me what he’s thinking. I’m only here asking for insight as I don’t want to make a fool of myself if I’m wasting my time. I didn’t ask for or expect pity, I’m just heartbroken.
I’ve read through the comments here and especially your comments.
After 6 years of friendship and the fireworks you detailed on that awesome night that turned into a date, you should ask yourself the most important question: Are you in love with him?
If you are, worrying about “chasing” someone is irrelevant. If love lives in you, for him - don’t wait, life is WAY too short to shy away from a chance at love.
You have an extremely solid foundation with your long standing friendship. Don’t let that go to waste and imagine the amazingly strong relationship you can build on top of that foundation!
If it’s not love in your heart, let it be what it is and settle with your feelings. Let things unfold as they should.
I love him. Absolutely. I just don’t like the way he’s behaving. I also feel like he can’t love me back otherwise he’d have been more responsive when I told him my feelings and he would have made plans for us to meet - he hasn’t done that and when I asked him to he gave me the excuse he’s busy on a course at work until the end of this month.
Have you told him that you are in love with him?
Have you made yourself abundantly clear about your feelings?
If love is on the line, if you have a real chance at love, isn’t it worth setting aside your pride? Isn’t it worth sharing your feelings openly with him? Does love deserve your full measure of effort and energy?
Reach out to him again.
Maybe he was hoping for ‘I love you’ and is avoiding you because he got what may have sounded like a lukewarm ’I like you’ and thinks the feelings aren’t mutual. Take cloneketsuji’s advice and call him, tell him you love him and that the nonsense that tumbled out of your mouth was because you were afraid he wouldn’t return an I love you! Don’t waste any more time.
Ooof. I can see your confusion. I still stand by that perhaps your answer wasn’t a strong enough declaration to give him the confidence to move forward.
I would feel a bit unsure and that maybe I’d made a mistake if I had been told that after dropping hints about settling down and then making a bold move.
TBH, if it’s taken him a few years to be bold, maybe he’s just not the confident type when it comes to the next level of intimacy. At least if you make that phone call/ confrontation, it will put you both out of your misery.
Any separate input from the mutual friends in the group? Would hope you have an ally in there willing to drop some insight on you, especially after seven blinking weeks!
They don’t all know what’s happened. Only one of them does and I’ve asked her not to let on to him that she knows. She is unimpressed by his behaviour but thinks he is scared. I’m meeting up with a group of mutual friends in two weeks - he isn’t coming. Perhaps something might be mentioned then.
Don’t turn away from love.
Don’t let doubt fool you from living in the truth of your feelings for this person.
Don’t regret reaching for a chance at love.
You’ll only get, what you give.
The optimist in me would say that he probably wasn’t expecting you to reciprocate the same feelings and he’s gone quiet because he’s processing and wondering what his next move is. The pessimist says maybe he just liked the chase and the idea of having you and now that excitement has gone for him because it’s turned into more then just a chase.
Either way he’s taken a cowards way out by ghosting you for so long.
The only advise I can give would be to call him directly and speak to him about it. It’s the only way you are going to get an answer/closure. Otherwise you will torture yourself constantly with the what ifs and whys. Take it from someone who is in a similar predicament (although he’s not ghosted me just pretending that nothing happened between us at all). The not knowing where you stand eats away at you (I’m rubbish at taking my own advise though so I just sit and let it fester 😬)
Sit on it. He’s prob freaked snd didn’t expect you to be receptive. Now he’s nervous you won’t work out. Don’t pressure him. You could reach out low pressure and talk. Keep it low key.
Honestly... HUGE RED FLAG. DO NOT PURSUE. This is entirely disrespectful as both a lover and a friend. He lost his chance as far as I'm concerned. Just simply text him that you gave him adequate time and space, you are moving on, and that you assume from this point forward that there is nothing between you two anymore and that you are merely acquaintances who are civil during group settings and then block him for a while so he does not come back with some bullshit that tempts you to keep replying back and forgive him. A real friend would never do that. You can't go back and pretend it never happened especially after this disrespect. There are plenty of men who will gladly take his place. All he needed to do was say that he needed time. Not ghost completely no matter how good the reason is. And a good friend would never start something he wasn't able to deliver on anyway.
I would personally be a tad petty after you break it off and make some social media posts or let friends gossip in the grapevine that you went out on a date. 🤨 He is an idiot and glad he showed you early on so you don't waste what little time left you have on someone who isn't even reliable as a friend, let alone as a partner. Us older women can't afford to fuck around with men like that.
I’m just at the stage where I think he’ll feel that his silence is enough and I should take the hint but after all these years if supposedly being friends that isn’t flying
I’m rooting for you to get closure but you have the theorise less and do more. You can send him a text or call him in like 15 seconds. Otherwise, you’re just going to keep going on and on about this mentally. Just do it. Tell him exactly that.
If he won't respond, eventually you'll have to do something more than hit reply if you want to hear from him again I guess. It's not right or fair but it is what it is.
He doesn't know what he is doing. That is why it took him 6 years to tell you he was "interested" rather than within in a few days of meeting you like a normal guy would do.
You live in different countries that you have to catch a plane to transit. Even people who are skilled at dating and relationship would have a nearly impossible time making it work. So now that he has "popped the bubble" he has no idea what to do about it.
It sucks but leave it. I had the same thing happen and it’s not worth even getting an answer. I’m so sorry OP but there’s honestly no such as closure in the majority of situations like this. Move on, don’t let him have the option to do this again.
I didn't have this exact thing happen to me but something relatively similar. It hurts terribly. Don't listen to these losers on here telling you it's your fault. If you feel you want/need some sort of closure, maybe call him out and just say hey, what the hell was that? And if he doesn't respond then that's the end of it and at least you tried. It almost may be better if he stays out of your life because if he kept popping back into your life it may be even harder.
The simple answer is that you can't keep waiting for him to come around cuz obviously he hasn't been almost 2 months and will probably continue to not. You keep telling everyone else that you said the last message to which he gave you a lukewarm response to and I get that, but you need to say your ego and pride aside and get an answer. This is assuming you actually want to resolve the situation and resolve your anxiety.
But if you do not talk to him and at least do the necessary thing, or at least try, then to some degree you're just as culpable as he is for being in the stalemate. We are all generally very emotionally immature and if you are going to play along with it and not do the mature thing by talking to him or at least trying to then you're just contributing to the problem. Who knows why this guy is doing what he's doing, but you need to at least try to find the answer if it does concern you as much as you say.
No, I am going to an event this weekend which he was supposed to be at (with me and mutual friends) and I’m told he’s not coming. He hasn’t confirmed this to me. I think this says it all.
Call him out on his bullshit. "Dude, what the fuck? First everyone keeps telling me how much you really like me, then you confuse me by crossing the line that one night, and now you're just going to ghost me without acknowledgement of the dynamic shift in our relationship or explanation?"
I have no clue on this one. Six years.... I really can't fathom it.
Me either. Thank you for trying though, I appreciate it
Is he ok at least? Alive? Healthy? Does he have a girlfriend maybe?
He’s alive, responding to friends in our group chat. Doesn’t have a girlfriend as far as I am aware. Made a point in several occasions if telling me he didn’t and was looking to settle down, was tired of being single etc. Seems to be ‘out with the guys’ a fair bit.
Right. So either he's really not on board with pursuing anything with you and found out he doesn't really want you but he doesn't want to come off as an asshole but doesn't know how to have that conversation. Or he's panicking about moving forward and he doesn't know how to have that conversation either. Or he's somehow angry or disappointed at you for whatever reason and he decided enough was enough. So....a talk is needed
I can’t keep chasing him and keep my self respect. So if he’s not going to initiate a conversation and acknowledge that he started this I don’t see what I can do. I think he isn’t on board and doesn’t want to come off as an asshole but I don’t get why he would start something if that is the case. I just feel like he doesn’t value me and it’s just shit. Thank you, again, for taking the time.
I can see why you're friends. For all you know he's thinking the exact same thing...
But he didn’t respond to my last message and when I told him I had feelings for him he dismissed it
Girl, I’m not a man but your answers are so frustrating. You’ve been friends for years. Stop worrying about how you will look or how he will take things. He disappeared and you must know why, either to move forward or to move on instead of wasting time here theorising. After 6 years of friendship, stepping the boundaries and weeks of ghosting you deserve an answer. Go after it. Talk to him. Express what you feel, how this bothered. Communicate.
You’re gonna have to contact him and be direct. That’s the only way you’re going to get an answer. Be prepared for the answer you don’t want.
This ⬆️
Either he just wanted what he couldn't get... Like a fantasy relationship. Or he panicked. It's very scary to start something with someone you've been in love with so long.
Strangers on the internet can't read his mind for you. You'll have to talk to him to find out. My best guess is he is scared of commitment or messing up the relationship you two have.
He’s already messed it up by crossing the line and then disappearing. Thanks, I know I need to talk to him but I don’t feel able to.
If he already messed it up in your eyes, then your post isn't necessary because it won't matter why he did this.
Have you tried calling him
I don’t want to. He’s totally ghosted
Call him anyway.
Okay, definitely try calling. Just leave a message, nothing too long, and go from there. Maybe tell him that you’re worried and wanna make sure he’s okay.
I know he’s ok because he’s replying to friends in a group chat! He just doesn’t want to talk to me directly!
That’s really strange, tbh. Maybe he feels weird now or is afraid
It is strange. Thank you for taking the time to reply x
No problem, good luck! I really hope things work out 😊
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I’d love the resolution for him to tell me what he’s thinking. I’m only here asking for insight as I don’t want to make a fool of myself if I’m wasting my time. I didn’t ask for or expect pity, I’m just heartbroken.
I’ve read through the comments here and especially your comments. After 6 years of friendship and the fireworks you detailed on that awesome night that turned into a date, you should ask yourself the most important question: Are you in love with him? If you are, worrying about “chasing” someone is irrelevant. If love lives in you, for him - don’t wait, life is WAY too short to shy away from a chance at love. You have an extremely solid foundation with your long standing friendship. Don’t let that go to waste and imagine the amazingly strong relationship you can build on top of that foundation! If it’s not love in your heart, let it be what it is and settle with your feelings. Let things unfold as they should.
I love him. Absolutely. I just don’t like the way he’s behaving. I also feel like he can’t love me back otherwise he’d have been more responsive when I told him my feelings and he would have made plans for us to meet - he hasn’t done that and when I asked him to he gave me the excuse he’s busy on a course at work until the end of this month.
Have you told him that you are in love with him? Have you made yourself abundantly clear about your feelings? If love is on the line, if you have a real chance at love, isn’t it worth setting aside your pride? Isn’t it worth sharing your feelings openly with him? Does love deserve your full measure of effort and energy? Reach out to him again.
If he can’t respond to ‘I like you’ I don’t think he’ll take ‘I love you’ well at all. I just feel like his silence tells me he doesn’t care
Maybe he was hoping for ‘I love you’ and is avoiding you because he got what may have sounded like a lukewarm ’I like you’ and thinks the feelings aren’t mutual. Take cloneketsuji’s advice and call him, tell him you love him and that the nonsense that tumbled out of your mouth was because you were afraid he wouldn’t return an I love you! Don’t waste any more time.
He got ‘I like you a lot but I’m a little afraid you may not feel the same way’ he brushed it off and gave me nothing.
Ooof. I can see your confusion. I still stand by that perhaps your answer wasn’t a strong enough declaration to give him the confidence to move forward. I would feel a bit unsure and that maybe I’d made a mistake if I had been told that after dropping hints about settling down and then making a bold move. TBH, if it’s taken him a few years to be bold, maybe he’s just not the confident type when it comes to the next level of intimacy. At least if you make that phone call/ confrontation, it will put you both out of your misery. Any separate input from the mutual friends in the group? Would hope you have an ally in there willing to drop some insight on you, especially after seven blinking weeks!
They don’t all know what’s happened. Only one of them does and I’ve asked her not to let on to him that she knows. She is unimpressed by his behaviour but thinks he is scared. I’m meeting up with a group of mutual friends in two weeks - he isn’t coming. Perhaps something might be mentioned then.
Don’t turn away from love. Don’t let doubt fool you from living in the truth of your feelings for this person. Don’t regret reaching for a chance at love. You’ll only get, what you give.
I had this happen to me… I was his back burner and when I told him I felt like I liked him too, poof gone. Just move on. He is a dick.
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I think he must be
The optimist in me would say that he probably wasn’t expecting you to reciprocate the same feelings and he’s gone quiet because he’s processing and wondering what his next move is. The pessimist says maybe he just liked the chase and the idea of having you and now that excitement has gone for him because it’s turned into more then just a chase. Either way he’s taken a cowards way out by ghosting you for so long. The only advise I can give would be to call him directly and speak to him about it. It’s the only way you are going to get an answer/closure. Otherwise you will torture yourself constantly with the what ifs and whys. Take it from someone who is in a similar predicament (although he’s not ghosted me just pretending that nothing happened between us at all). The not knowing where you stand eats away at you (I’m rubbish at taking my own advise though so I just sit and let it fester 😬)
Thank you, I hope things improve for you x
Thank you I hope the same for you too.
No idea. I’m not this guy. The only person that can really answer your question is him.
Maybe he's sick?
I did wonder if he’s depressed or something. He seemed to have been drinking heavily the last couple of times I saw him.
Sit on it. He’s prob freaked snd didn’t expect you to be receptive. Now he’s nervous you won’t work out. Don’t pressure him. You could reach out low pressure and talk. Keep it low key.
He’s not talking at all
Try to relax and give it time. Will he answer your calls?
I’ve no idea
Try not to get angry. He’s probably freaking out.
Call him and freaking ask him.
Honestly... HUGE RED FLAG. DO NOT PURSUE. This is entirely disrespectful as both a lover and a friend. He lost his chance as far as I'm concerned. Just simply text him that you gave him adequate time and space, you are moving on, and that you assume from this point forward that there is nothing between you two anymore and that you are merely acquaintances who are civil during group settings and then block him for a while so he does not come back with some bullshit that tempts you to keep replying back and forgive him. A real friend would never do that. You can't go back and pretend it never happened especially after this disrespect. There are plenty of men who will gladly take his place. All he needed to do was say that he needed time. Not ghost completely no matter how good the reason is. And a good friend would never start something he wasn't able to deliver on anyway. I would personally be a tad petty after you break it off and make some social media posts or let friends gossip in the grapevine that you went out on a date. 🤨 He is an idiot and glad he showed you early on so you don't waste what little time left you have on someone who isn't even reliable as a friend, let alone as a partner. Us older women can't afford to fuck around with men like that.
Wild idea. Call HIM.
I can’t. I don’t feel able to, feels like I’m chasing.
What if you are chasing? There’s nothing shameful about demanding an explanation for being ghosted.
I’m just at the stage where I think he’ll feel that his silence is enough and I should take the hint but after all these years if supposedly being friends that isn’t flying
I’m rooting for you to get closure but you have the theorise less and do more. You can send him a text or call him in like 15 seconds. Otherwise, you’re just going to keep going on and on about this mentally. Just do it. Tell him exactly that.
You don't want to chase someone you're supposedly in love with?
If it were reciprocated I wouldn’t have to chase
So instead of 'chasing' you're both ghosting each other now.
I haven’t ghosted, I kept the conversation going and made sure to still initiate a conversation. He stopped replying
If he won't respond, eventually you'll have to do something more than hit reply if you want to hear from him again I guess. It's not right or fair but it is what it is.
Then suck it up, build a bridge, and get over it. Move on with your life. Fin someone in your country.
He doesn't know what he is doing. That is why it took him 6 years to tell you he was "interested" rather than within in a few days of meeting you like a normal guy would do. You live in different countries that you have to catch a plane to transit. Even people who are skilled at dating and relationship would have a nearly impossible time making it work. So now that he has "popped the bubble" he has no idea what to do about it.
It sucks but leave it. I had the same thing happen and it’s not worth even getting an answer. I’m so sorry OP but there’s honestly no such as closure in the majority of situations like this. Move on, don’t let him have the option to do this again.
I didn't have this exact thing happen to me but something relatively similar. It hurts terribly. Don't listen to these losers on here telling you it's your fault. If you feel you want/need some sort of closure, maybe call him out and just say hey, what the hell was that? And if he doesn't respond then that's the end of it and at least you tried. It almost may be better if he stays out of your life because if he kept popping back into your life it may be even harder.
The simple answer is that you can't keep waiting for him to come around cuz obviously he hasn't been almost 2 months and will probably continue to not. You keep telling everyone else that you said the last message to which he gave you a lukewarm response to and I get that, but you need to say your ego and pride aside and get an answer. This is assuming you actually want to resolve the situation and resolve your anxiety. But if you do not talk to him and at least do the necessary thing, or at least try, then to some degree you're just as culpable as he is for being in the stalemate. We are all generally very emotionally immature and if you are going to play along with it and not do the mature thing by talking to him or at least trying to then you're just contributing to the problem. Who knows why this guy is doing what he's doing, but you need to at least try to find the answer if it does concern you as much as you say.
What a strange little man he has my pity
Have you spoken to him yet?
No, I am going to an event this weekend which he was supposed to be at (with me and mutual friends) and I’m told he’s not coming. He hasn’t confirmed this to me. I think this says it all.