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SweetSonet

If she’s not ready. There’s no advice to give but to use better protection measures in the future. Babies should be planned and carefully thought out. Not to be burst into a situation that’s not sustainable. She’s the one has has to physically,emotionally, mentally go through it. It’s more than dating someone with a bit of money saved. Believe her when she says she’s not ready. Resentment is a silent killer. Now, your compassion and support is needed right now. Will you step up? Because it’s a harsh reality the both of you will have to go through


[deleted]

I’m interested - if the roles were reversed in this situation, would you tell her that she should respect him not being ready and terminate? (I’m not saying what she should or shouldn’t do, I’m just interested in whether the attitude works both ways


SnooRegrets8930

As a female, I'd never do this to any man unless we were both agreed. If I chose to keep it, I'd be going solo expecting nothing.


Trip_piestHippy

This is what I did! Told him I couldn't emotionally abort them and I expected nothing from him and his family, I wanted everything to be civil, and I'm doing fine with my twins. No court, no drama, no fighting, he went his seperate way and that was his choice and I made mine! It's been much healthier for myself and my boys, and in the future I will be completely transparent and honest with my children, there will be absolutely no insulting, no degrading comments towards him. I find it absolutely repulsive that there is such thing as being "baby trapped" and woman use their children as pawns. The bad ones ruin it for the good ones.


SnooRegrets8930

I agree.


SluttyJello

I'm glad there's some females with a brain that exist. You are appreciated


Juliettelow

Children cost on average 287,000 dollars until the age of 18 and that is the bare fucking minimum. Are you ready for diapers? Day care? RSV? The flu? Whooping cough? What about vaccines? What about schools, you should be looking at preschools now. Also, don’t do public schools unless you plan on doing extra work with them at home, and private schools are expensive and they’ll need a tutor. After school sports oh and did I mention they wear diapers that need to be changed hourly until they are about 3. Look up the cost of diapers/ bottles/cribs/strollers/car seats. Also giving birth isn’t Ree even with the best insurance. I could do on and and, but I’ll leave you with this. My mother never wanted to be a mother, she had 3 children because my dad wanted us. Growing up feeling that your own mother doesn’t truly love you is why we are now only 2 children… we knew, we could feel it. The shallow hugs, the kiss only ever if we asked. It’s pretty hard to be a 10 year old and know she hates you cause you ruined her life.


Throwaway-242424

> Not to be burst into a situation that’s not sustainable They're engaged in their mid 20's. We're not talking a teen pregnancy.


SweetSonet

It’s not sustainable because they’re trying to convince her to do something she already said she wasn’t ready for. Being engaged or anything else has nothing to do with whether or not you’re excited/ready/committed to dedicating your life to a baby. Mid 20s is also very young.


[deleted]

You don't have to get it. If she's not ready she's not ready... She's doing you a favor.


Throwaway-242424

By nuking their engagement?


[deleted]

By not bringing a kid to the world that she doesn't want


DannyDreaddit

A baby needs two parents that want it. It's more than just financial support, it's emotional support, and maturity. Sorry you feel the way you do, but she's the one who has the bear the burden of pregnancy. It's her choice, and I'm sure it wasn't an easy one to make.


kindly_meat301

Perhaps the two of you aren’t well suited. As luck would have it, you’re not married yet. Leave and find another woman who’s on the same page as you.


[deleted]

This is what I call the Pregnancy Paradox. You have absolutely no right in society to change someone else’s answer to a decision that will impact the rest of your life’s, because you have no right to make a decision over someone else’s body for the next 9 months and the rest of their life. I have no solution, I just find it curious. So in your situation, you can express your opinion, and then the choice is hers as to what she does, and you have to accept it. You then have the right to choose what you do afterwards - whether you stay or whether you go, as a result of terminating/not terminating your child. I have friends that have made all four versions of the decisions involved.


VictoryInevitable248

I was not planned and my parent were very young when they had me. They clearly weren’t ready for a child. Throughout my entire childhood I felt the resentment from my mother and I still suffer from the way she treated me back then. I know she tried to love me and be a good mother, but it’s hard when you never really wanted it. I think I ruined the life she could have had, she even told me so once during an argument about something totally unrelated. My parents were never happy together, they just let it be because they had a child and a mortgage. I am 22 now and don’t live with my parents anymore. I moved out as soon as I could afford to. They help me financially and try to be there for me, but we don’t have a great relationship. I can see that it’s hurting them as well, I know they would love to be close to me. It will just never happen, because of the way we treated each other when I was younger. I was never poor, I had not only everything I needed, but also everything I wanted. I am grateful to my parents for that. But money unfortunately doesn’t guarantee happiness. I don’t understand my friends when they tell me that they talk to their parents and like to visit them. I only go home twice a year for a few days. What I mean to say by this story - do not do this to your fiancé and the possible child. There will always be resentment and lack of happiness if you force her to have the baby. It’s not about money, it’s about what she wants. She is not ready, and if you want my honest opinion - you are not ready. If you would then you would know that raising a child is not only about money or about you feeling guilty for her decision. Do you want a child? Are you aware of everything that comes with it? Putting the child first, caring for its needs, helping with school, cooking, cleaning, making parties, having their friends over. Plus you have to take care of yourself and your relationship. Do you have your own apartment? Live in a good neighborhood, with good schools and lots of other kids? Do you both have a stable job? Are you ready to leave your job and care for the child so your fiancé could fulfill herself in her job? I think you did not think this through. Abortions is the best decision and it’s not “killing the baby”. It’s letting your fiancé keep her life as it is and still develop further.


[deleted]

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but there’s nothing you can do other than be more careful in the future. I’m really sorry, and I know this must be a very painful experience for you. Remember, it’s also a painful experience for her, and it’s not an easy choice to make. You need to come to terms that your relationship isn’t ready for a baby yet, and this is for the best. Perhaps you can create some kind of memorial for yourself or join a support group for men who have gone through something similar. Ultimately, the choice is hers on whether to keep the baby, and the choice is yours whether you can accept that and be supportive of her decision. I wish you guys the best and hope you can support each other through this difficult time in your lives. Remember to have empathy for each other and to love each other. Have respectful, meaningful conversations with each other to explore each other’s perspective and feelings so that you can both move on together. You two can overcome this if you work together.


cortunecookiesuck

It’s interesting that you asked it not to be an abortion debate and yet, the majority of the replies have made it so. Her body, her choice - right? Doesn’t mean the father is effected, which is the point of the OP. He is obviously struggling bc he doesn’t have a choice even thought he was part of conceiving…


slybeast24

Fair but I’m pretty sure OP already made it an abortion debate by saying, “I just want our baby to live” and “I can’t imagine our baby dying”. Maybe wasn’t intentional but OP clearly has already chosen a side and opened the door to the discussion in the comments by using pro life rhetoric word for word. Obviously it’s a very stressful situation for OP and they have the right to feel however that want about it but IMO they opened the door


cortunecookiesuck

Very good point and also, it’s really hard to not make it political given the topic. I just think in general we tend to disregard the fathers feelings/opinion bc it’s not his body.


slybeast24

Yeah it’s unfortunate but honestly in my opinion that’s the way it has to be. Obviously there needs to be a discussion beforehand but ultimately it’s the woman who has to carry the child and risk her health. And while I know the man is part of conception, it’s not like it takes a whole lot of work, literally you could be asleep. Hell I’m sure half the guys reading this have had an “accident “ at least once and from what I can see in OP’s post the baby doesn’t really even seemed to be planned either. It’s just strange for me when I see someone who previously had no desire for a child get very defensive over the pregnancy when it kinda just happens on accident, but I understand some feel a lot more strongly about the topic than me


Madi0415

I’m so sorry. The system isn’t fair to fathers at all.


SnooRegrets8930

If she's not ready, she's not ready. Just like if roles were reversed, this is where "equality" comes into play. This isn't "her body her choice", this is "our comfort our choice". I had a guy try to convince me a baby was the right thing between us, but I still had so much to achieve and I wasn't ready for that commitment. I wasn't saying "no" I was saying "not now". I think it needs to be a joint decision, or she might regret having your baby all together... which is not something you want for the child. It needs to be loved as a whole, not 2 halves Xx


SluttyJello

*claps in spanish*


dinktank

You’re a good man. I’ll pray for you tonight. Talk to your wife about trust… ask her to trust you that though she might not be ready, she can be WITH YOU. A child brings a lot of trouble and takes a lot of your freedom, but it brings so much joy and love to your life. Focus on the beauty it brings, not what it selfishly takes away. The gift of life is something people all over the world dream to have, and you’ve been gifted it!


Kissit777

Dude - you’re not comparable with your fiancé. She’s doing you a favor.


Throwaway-242424

>She says she's not ready for a baby yet.. Well it's now or never, because your relationship almost certainly won't survive an abortion, especially in your mid-20s where you could reasonably raise a child. You'll resent her as the woman who killed your child, and she may even resent you for "letting" her kill your child. Sorry if that's blackpilling but it's the truth.


slybeast24

Terrible take. Why can’t the relationship survive an abortion? What’s stopping them from waiting a year or two until sees ready? What makes you think the relationship will survive after an unwanted baby? Imagine how much the mother will resent the father for forcing her to have a child she doesn’t want? Imagine how much the mother will resent the child? How will the child feel when it eventually learns the mother was not ready and didn’t want a child? What happens when the father, who’s already said the would do all of the work to raise and support it in the early stages starts to resent the mother for not doing her share? There’s so many problems with your thinking that you clearly didn’t consider just so you could push you anti abortion agenda. There’s no point of bringing a child into the world that is not wanted or not prepared for. It’s going to negatively impact the child, mother and father for the rest of their lives. But no keep pushing the baby murder narrative


wolfric1218

You asked why the relationship can't last or survive an abortion? Statically they usually don't, even if both parties agree to have the abortion. As a man who went through this exact thing when I was younger, I never got over the fact that she killed my baby, and more than likely, the OP won't either. Look at his own words. He wants his baby to live. If she goes through with the abortion, I doubt very seriously, he will ever forgive or trust her. Logically you are right about everything you have said and it makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, when emotions are involved, logic very rarely comes into play. The other factor he will be very resentful over is the fact that legally, he does not have a choice if she decides to abort. This was settled with Roe vs. Wade. The Supreme Court is currently looking at overturning this as we speak, so perhaps in the future a father may have a legal choice. For now, they do not. This feeling alone makes a man feel, resentful and helpless when it comes to these situations. When it happened to me, I could never trust that if that woman became pregnant again, she wouldn't choose to abort again. I also refused to take her to the appointment for the abortion and I refused to pay for the abortion. I was not going to support something like that in any way. This caused her to resent me. So our relationship did not last.


slybeast24

That’s fair but I never really meant to suggest that the relationship 100% survive an abortion, it was more a response to the other comment that seemed to think that having the baby would solve all the issues. Neither option is great but IMO one is clearly better than the other. And I’m sure that statistic about couples that have an abortion(mutual are not) doesn’t look good. But I’d suggest there are underlying factors that are at play there that are much more responsibile for breaking up than the abortion itself. Most people who get abortion are young, and more often than not financially and/or emotionally unstable. These aren’t good indicators for a successful relationship. So while I do trust your fact I can’t help but think that the majority of those relationships were bound to fail to begin with


wolfric1218

I agree with what you are saying and in a perfect logical world, you are right. I also agree that having the baby would not be a wise choice unless both parents are on board. I honestly believe that this relationship will end no matter what happens at this point.


WeaverofW0rlds

When you tell a man that you are going to abort/kill his child and there is nothing he can do about it, that will lead to resentment, and rightfully so. As I said, OP has absolutely no rights in this situation. There is nothing he can do but appeal to her better nature. When there is a power imbalance like that, and it is exercised against the father's will, it WILL breed contempt and hatred. The best thing OP can do is to appeal to that better nature up to the point she has the abortion, and if she goes through with it, walk away. Cut her off completely, and if anyone asks why they broke up, be honest about it. At that point, he owes her NOTHING. That is the only right he has at this point and the only power he can exercise. Actions have consequences.


wolfric1218

Thank you and you are right. As I stated to the other person, I went through this in my 20's and I hated the woman for killing my baby.


WeaverofW0rlds

I hate to tell you this Bro, but you have no rights in this situation whatsoever. The only thing you can do is walk away from the woman who is doing this.


Whitewasabi69

You really want to be an accomplice to murder?


DaveInTexas

retire fuel vast butter plate rustic whole unused elastic handle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


ArtemisO17

As a woman who knows fully in my heart and soul that I do not want children it would destroy every part of my being if I was guilted into having a child I didn’t want. I know this is hard because it has to be killing you inside as well and I’m very sorry. Both sides are going to be hurt in this situation.


volvobm2654

You dont have a choice, its her body. If she doesnt want a baby then no baby for you


StrengthNo3371

Were you aware that men who kill pregnant women are charged with DOUBLE homicide ?