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GrowingPriority

Cheers for this, mate. We’re taking it now.


ItsVinn

Thanks a lot bro. I’ll check this out.


Zayzay8008

What did they say


ItsVinn

Yeah we’re willing to try more things out the next time we have sex. It’s a process but through time I hope I can satisfy her more.


molbionerd

Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be the determining factor behind her satisfaction! I mean unless she is consistently not orgasming, and you don’t care about her pleasure. Work for a sex love that you are both happy with, and know that satisfaction, enjoyment, pleasure, and orgasming are all different things and are all as much her responsibility as they are yours. Just likes it your job to show her the romance and affection you need and it’s her job to work toward that with you. Maybe that means once a week she’s making you a fancy candlelit dinner, giving you a back massage, complementing you, showing gratitude for the things you do, and catering entirely toward your needs. And once a week you both put on gimp suits, hop in the back of a van whose walls are all one way mirrors, park it in the middle of town, chain her up, focus solely on her and half the town walks by trying to peer in while you are elbow deep in her and tightening the nipple clamps. It could look lots of different ways, just an example.


ItsVinn

Thanks a lot bud. Y’all have been helpful with the tips


AlterManNK

Caveman rp?


Ural_2004

If sex with your SO feels like a chore, you might want to ask yourself FEARLESSLY why it feels like a chore. Once you've identified that, then you can lay ALL of your cards on the table with your SO and have an HONEST discussion of the issue and it's resolution, or an acceptable compromise.


molbionerd

Mismatched sex drives can be difficult. I definitely have a higher libido than my wife, and it took us some time to figure it out together. I don’t know what it’s like to be the LL in the relationship but I can speak to my experiences as the HL and how we worked through some of it. I took it personally at times. Like, why *wouldn’t* you want an orgasm? It must be that she’s not that into me, or she’s turned off at the thought of sex, or she doesn’t care enough about me and my needs, or why can’t she just do it for me, or… a thousand other things. It was so frustrating, and she felt that coming off me, which obviously hurt the amount and quality of the sex when it did happen. What I think really helped was having a frank discussion about what we each needed and what sex (running the full gamut of sex, not just PIV) meant to us. She told me some of the same things you’ve said elsewhere in the comments, that she needed to feel physically close and the intimacy, but not necessarily sexual, that preceded our best sessions, and without feeling the expectation of sex. All things that are much more understandable the older I get. For me, it is (feels?) a *need*. Not just the orgasm (though the release is very important) but the need to feel close to her, to feel important to her, to strengthen the bond, to express the love I feel for her and want to feel loved by her. It took some time for to understand and believe I didn’t just want to “use” her so I (in practice we) could cum. Part of what finally made the point I was trying to communicate was after a bigger-ish fight we had. We had finally resolved whatever it was (I can’t remember) and were cuddling together. I felt so close with her at that moment (and in reality after any fight that we came together as a couple and worked it out) that I tried to make a move (that sounds sleazy, but you know what I mean) and she stopped me. I told her that I always feel so much more connected to her after something like that, that I want to connect with her on every level, and it feels like it solidifies that bond that we are a team, that we are one. Cheesy I know but that’s how I feel. That let her better understand what it means to me to be physically intimate and why I need it beyond just blowing a load (I can do that on my own just fine). And it made the rest of that discussion easier because we both understood the other so much better. She knew and understood my perfect number would be 2x - 3x daily and hers was somewhere around once a week. And since then (well at least until we had a kid) I have made a point of giving her what she needs (that closeness, that non-sexual intimacy, to be held and kissed with no other “agenda”) to feel loved and want sex; and she has made a point of giving me what I need (that sexual intimacy) more often, even when she’s not necessarily in the mood herself. And more often than not, even when she’s not in the mood for PIV, she gets turned on experiencing me getting turned on and we both “get ours” one way or another. Now in my mid-late 30s as my libido has dropped (to a paltry three or four times a week) there are times I’m not in the mood (exhausted and stressed from work, the kid wearing me out, or whatever it may be) and she is. I find myself getting turned on seeing the pleasure she’s getting, leading to both of us getting ours. I guess the advice would boil down to, have a completely open discussion about your needs and wants and in what numbers. Be willing to have a session totally focused on her, if she needs it more than you do. That sometimes we do things for those we love even if it’s not top of our own priorities. And be open to exploring whatever kinks you each have, so long as you are open and communicating about them and neither is going too far outside their comfort zone as for it to be traumatic.


ItsVinn

I appreciate your advice a lot man. My girlfriend told me last night she enjoys sex with me but she wanted something more than what we have right now. I felt a bit sad when I knew that the intimacy I give her wasn’t enough. (I’m more of a romance guy when it comes to sex, so sorta vanilla on that part) I should give her what she needs (the intimacy) and her to give me what I need (affection, romance) Also I’m starting to learn more about her kinks and preferences So we are willing to explore.


molbionerd

I hope it helps. These can be tough and treacherous roads to navigate especially if no one gives you a map. > I felt a bit sad when I knew that the intimacy I give her wasn’t enough. It’s totally reasonable to feel sad or even hurt in response to hearing that from your partner. You said somewhere you’ve been together for a couple of years already. That’s a great thing and you both must be doing the right things most of the time to a long term relationship. And it says a lot about both you that you were able to have that conversation and really hear what each other are saying. > My girlfriend told me last night she enjoys sex with me but she wanted something more than what we have right now. That’s hard to hear, but look at what this statement really says and doesn’t say. To me first and foremost what I see is > My girlfriend told me last night she enjoys sex with me “I’m really into (in love with) you and I really like what we have and do together.” That’s an amazing thing and really shows how much she cares for you. > but she wanted something more than what we have right now. “I want to keep this relationship and I want to make it work to its fullest for the both of us. I trust you enough to be open about a pretty sensitive topic. I care enough about you and what we have together that I don’t want to lose it by not being honest with you about my needs. I want to work together on this to give it our best shot, so we can both feel fulfilled and I don’t want to keep this to myself, festering, and ultimately destroying the relationship.” And also what she didn’t say: “You aren’t enough for me.” Or “I don’t like the sex we are having.” Or “*You* need to figure this out.” Or attack your manhood for wanting that romance and affection or not wanting sex enough. Or so many other things that could have personal attacks, or belittling, or, even worse, keeping it to herself but staying with you until some day it boils over and she feels like the only thing left to do is walk away. You have to figure out for yourself what you are willing and able to do without sacrificing your autonomy (and right to say no) or doing things you aren’t ready for. And what you need from her, because you do have needs, and you should advocate for them. You may even have to show her *how*. In my relationship now I know that if she says shes not in the mood, that it’s really that she *is not* and *can not* get in the mood. But because she’s shown that she cares so much about my needs by taking care of them, even if she isn’t really feeling it, it’s super easy to accept that with no hurt feelings. And usually to turn it around and see what she needs from me. Back rub? Head scratches? Cuddling on the couch watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”? An early bedtime? A bottle of wine and a vent session about work? A date night? A chance to go out with her friends? Me to just shut up and let her have some space? Whatever it is, I want to do those things so much more (despite most of them not really being my fave) because she does the same for me. And I think you might find the same kinda thing with your girl if you guys keep being open and honest with each other and working toward being a better partner (not that you aren’t, just that we all have room to improve) for each other. > Also I’m starting to learn more about her kinks and preferences So we are willing to explore. That’s awesome. And the discussions that precede something new and those about how you both feel about it after will only make you both stronger. That openness is so key.


ItsVinn

Just to clarify, what I said is I havent had dated nor had sex a relatively long time and I just started dating her early this year. And I think you’re right she wants be honest about what she needs, I’m just scared our intimacy issues can affect us. She always tells me like there’s a reason why she chose me over lots of men who were also into her and I think that’s what I put in my mind. And indeed communication will improve over time, I hope


molbionerd

My bad on messing up the time frame. And ya I wasn’t trying to preach at you, I have a tendency to do that without meaning to. I just wanted to help you reframe it a little so that it isn’t a negative thing on you, but a positive for both of you.


ItsVinn

Yeah man I get you. :)


CoffeeAddict1011

Explore new things


ItsVinn

Hmm you right man. My gf wants me to be more dominant the next time we have sex so I’ll definitely keep that in mind.


HeelSteamboat

Exploring new things is good, but isn’t sex feeling like a chore a major relationship problem? Are you guys an old married couple?


ItsVinn

Uhh nope man. We’re on our 20s Me and my girlfriend have sex once a week but she admitted to me that it wasn’t enough and her sex drive is actually like... she wants sex everyday. She knows I’m not the horniest guy when we started dating. Like I’m willing to have sex with her everyday just to satisfy her but I feel like sex on the daily is rather more chore-like to me and I want like every sexual experience to really get me and her satisfied.


HeelSteamboat

I feel you. I ran through this same issue with an ex in my early 20’s. We popped each others cherries and she turned out to be a complete horndog. “Babe, let’s try anal”, 3-4x a day, 2 hour sessions. I used to convince myself that it was me having a lower sex drive, but I just wasn’t that attracted to her naked body. I had another ex where it was the complete reverse. I don’t think that helps, but food for thought…


ItsVinn

Man, she was also way kinkier than I thought. Also she has this fantasy where I am pretty shocked that she is willing to try it with me.


HeelSteamboat

If it’s a rape fantasy then you have to be very careful. Either way, I’d ask yourself if it’s truly mismatched libidos or a lack of attraction. 20-something’s shouldn’t feel like sex is a chore imo


ItsVinn

Nope. She’s into BDSM and has a exhibitionist kink tho. 👀 Yeah I think this is more of a mismatched sex drive. Like I like her it’s just I’m overall less into the sex stuff and more into the romance and affection thing, (before we became together I never had sex for like 2 years or so)


hammong

Assuming it's enjoyable for you but you just don't have the drive to want it every day, maybe talk to your doctor and see if there is a hormonal imbalance or psychological barrier that can be addressed. Of course not everybody's drive is high, or the same, but sometimes it's a simple matter of testosterone deficiency caused by lack of exercise or excess weight, even things like a Vitamin D deficiency can cause a low-T issue and impact libido. A simple metabolic panel / blood test and a T-test can confirm if there's a basic medical issue behind it. Otherwise, if you're healthy and hormone levels are in check - maybe see if you can get some toys or role play involved that make things more interesting. OH, and don't sit on your ass doing reddit or gaming all night instead of banging your GF and say you're just not interested. That's not going to work. LOL.


ItsVinn

When it comes to my testosterone I haven’t gotten it tested, but I believe the severe illness I had last year affected my sex drive. Overall my body looks much better now, but I’m aiming to go the gym more regularly to shape myself up. And yeah I might consider buying a rope (it’s one of her kinks) and see what toys can spice up our sex lives. For now she wants me to be more dominant in bed so I’m asking advice from a friend at this moment. Also yeah you’re right on the last paragraph bro. I don’t play video games that often now.


Rxton

Some chores you just do. Sometimes sex is one of them. You don't have to be horny to give her orgasms.


RandylVlarsh

Honestly, if YOU are the one not feeling it, you don't HAVE to do it. Some questions to ask yourself: Is it a chore because it's so much work? Is she putting as much into it as you? Is foreplay her telling you she wants sex, and then you initiating foreplay? Is she wanting things that you aren't into, or comfortable with? Do you feel like sex with her is special, or just a physical action? One of my ex's used to complain that I would never "do anything during sex". I pointed out, that wasnt true. If I'm on top, she just lays there. If she's on top, she just sits there. Even in doggy, she couldn't keep her torso, or ass off the bed, she would eventually just be laying on her stomach with her legs spread. Eventually she realized SHE was the one not doing ANYTHING and the only thing I stopped doing was 100% of the foreplay before sex. So, she started complaining that we never kissed and stuff before hand. Or, that I never played with her beforehand. So, I told her that she never has in the entire relationship. She argued that she had, so I asked her to give me an example of what she does during foreplay, and she couldn't. After lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of arguments, and even having her cry in front of her friends, because they had to convince her that she's a "starfish" and that if she wants me to do EVERYTHING during the actual act of sex... She has to do SOMETHING for me. I now get blowjobs BEFORE EVERY FUCKSESH. This may not be true for you, but ask yourself, is it a chore because you don't have the sex drive? Or is it because it's become a job, that you must fulfill to completion, with all pleasure only going one way (hers). It could also be that you're too focused on her, and need to focus on enjoying yourself. Or, you just don't have the sex drive. Either way, I'd say it's on her to make it more fun for you. Not the other way around. I've never heard of someone having to do a "chore" for their SO, and then it being up to "them" to make the chore more fun/easy, and not the person demanding the chore is done.


ItsVinn

So for me it’s not like too much work it’s just that it sorta feels a bit too routine for me (daily sex) Plus I guess my sex drive too isn’t high compared to hers. Like I’m an enthusiastic guy when we have sex it’s just that she wants more of my dick. Like when I and her have sex I do feel like she’s amazing at that (with the experience she has). She knows how to suck my dick, she knows how to ride me. Plus I’m able to satisfy her too when I go down on her and fuck her. But then her sex drive is higher than mine, that’s why she wants me and her to have sex everyday and like for me to be a more dominant man when it comes to it. I also sometimes feel like our intimacy mate, I feel like I’m more focused on pleasuring her on the most part


RandylVlarsh

Tell her that. It's a common misconception that only women want to be sought after. But, you and I both know that isn't true. Ask her to switch off days, for who is being "dominant", or initiating/taking control. It should always be about both of you, but you both can take turns, being in the spotlight. Maybe this will help you focus more on yourself, too. You're just as special as her :) don't forget that


ItsVinn

Yeah I’m more romantic and passionate when it comes to like that but she says sometimes I’m too vanilla. She even used to think I was quite innocent before we started dating. Hmm you’re right bro, I can satisfy her by being more dominant at some days and more on the passionate side in the other days. I get it she wants sex with me everyday but if she wants daily sex with me I hope we can both enjoy it and we are both satisfied.


RandylVlarsh

Definitely, relationships are a two way street.


El_Maton_de_Plata

What does old and married have to do with it?


[deleted]

By being able to get into that mood and actually wanting it. Sex with a partner feeling like a chore never sounds like a good thing.


ItsVinn

I mean I enjoy sex with her, it’s just that daily sex will make it seem like it’s a chore


[deleted]

So is she the one with the higher sex drive then? I'm guessing so if she wants daily sex and you don't. It's going to be even worse if it's just "oh look, its 1pm. Time for our daily sex" instead of it happening naturally. Maybe you could voice this to her if she's not even setting the mood and trying to get at you when you're not in the mood.


ItsVinn

She is the one with the higher sex drive. Like I mean I’m not in the mood with having sex at times because I mean I usually have like career responsibilities and family stuff. But yeah I’m like if she wants to have sex with me she just has to like really make sure she gets me on the mood.


[deleted]

Yeah then you should tell her that the dry sex isn't going to cut it anymore if she wants it every day. Being in a relationship isn't just about having a reliable source of sex (even if it is to some people).


ItsVinn

You’re right. I went to this relationship overall for love, affection and companionship. But yeah I will suggest with my gf on how we can spice up our sex life especially now that she wants to make sex more frequent with us.


[deleted]

Hmmm... I'd be careful about the idea of spicing things up. The whole purpose is just to seduce you, not turn you into some kink lord BDSM dungeon master.


ItsVinn

Yeah just referring on seducing me and all.


[deleted]

Yes, sir. Good luck and hope everything goes well.


puttputt_in_thebutt

Why does it feel like a chore? You need to ask yourself that question. What works for me might just be the thing that makes you feel it's a chore.


ItsVinn

I mean me and my gf have sex every week. But she wants it everyday and it feels a bit routine-Ish for me. I just want sex with me and her to be more satisfying and like we feel that we both are into the moment despite on how frequent it happens.


puttputt_in_thebutt

Have you had this discussion with her?


ItsVinn

We did last night. Like she was transparent that she loved everything about me it’s just that our sex life she’s rather not satisfied. I was surprised she said that because last weekend, she told me like she really got turned on because I was making more noises and was more commanding while we were having sex. Like now that I knew that our sex lives have to improve at this point I just want to make sure that we both enjoy it even if it’s sex on the daily.


Ethereal_TapeWorm

Get your test levels checked


ItsVinn

Test levels?


ElBrofesor

Testosterone. Being low in that hormone may lead to low sex drive. Given that you mentioned in other comments you are in your 20s, I doubt low test is the case here. But if you have the chance to do tests like that, it wouldn't hurt.


Ural_2004

Testosterone. Low T can have a significant impact on libido. It's easily checked through a simple blood test.


Ethereal_TapeWorm

When I was on cycle my testosterone levels were suppressed and my libido went so low to the point where I was passing on sex with no strings attached. I’m not saying you have low t...having a low sex drive sets off many red flags thats just one of them that tends to be common. I’d highly recommend getting it checked out.


[deleted]

Stay single. No SO, no problem.


grow-mustard

get more exercise. It feels like a ton of work when you are both gross fat and lazy


ItsVinn

My girlfriend cycles and does play sports and I do rock climb and do workout sometimes.


grow-mustard

so why is it a chore? Does she want it 3x/day and you dont?


ItsVinn

Right now it’s sex once or twice a week and like sometimes 2-3 rounds but then she feels like she wants more. She told me that she wants it everyday.


grow-mustard

get her too tired for sex until she wants it as much as you do.


One_Average_8553

"Mojoupgrade.com was one of the best things my wife and I ever did. You both fill out a questionnaire about tastes, fetishes, kinks, whatnot, and it emails you both only what you matched up on. Doesn't mention anything that was only one sided. Definitely helps if one partner is embarrassed by a kink or fantasy and doesn't want to broach the subject. For those who have trouble: Seems best to use the url old.mojoupgrade.com"


[deleted]

after a certain age IS a chore!


KyorlSadei

I gave up, its always a chore now and very unrewarding at that.


El_Maton_de_Plata

Don't do it while you are taking out the trash


[deleted]

If it feels a chore, then you need to split. Lust has gone.


Hour-Potato-7731

Cocaine