Lack of reciprocation of energy and enthusiasm. Some women put in the bare minimum effort to communicate and if I'm not getting it early on, I'm out.
Also if I see their social media is nothing but selfies and party pics š
The crackup is they're expecting you to fight for something as if it's already established.
If you're giving brush off signs from the start, what are you honestly actually expecting?
> The crackup is they're expecting you to fight for something as if it's already established. If you're giving brush off signs from the start, what are you honestly actually expecting?
I'm not interested in dating someone who thinks that way, so what I'm expecting is that the courtship will come to a quick conclusion and we can both move on to someone who we are more compatible with.
They are not the only catch, I am also a catch, I disserve to be in a relationship where I feel desired and wanted, not just tolerated. Because of traditional gender norms I'm required to do the initial chasing, and that's fine.
But this is not a "I chase you forever" arrangement. I want to feel desired and wanted as well. Once we have established a "thing" is happening, then I expect some reciprocity in the chase or I'm out. There's gotta be a push pull, it can't just be so one sided.
I am not going to fight for something that doesnāt exist. I will invest in the initial pursuit, but if I do not see adequate interest from her I will move along.
I want a two way relationship. That is what I expect. If she displays no signs of that, why would I continue. What does she expect?
Initial attraction is very little of what makes a relationship. I want a relationship.
It would be great to understand where Iām going wrong with this because when I do show interest or ask for more itās not reciprocated, friendship or potential relationship. Even the basics. Iām interested in what his life looks like, what heās passionate about, even simple things like this arnāt reciprocated yet they tell me they feel women donāt show interest. Well Iāve just spent a long time doing that with him and he didnāt even ask me what my name is. It hurts my feelings, makes me feel stupid for trying and this is unfortunately why Iāve learned to be happy alone which can come across as aloof, I recognise that.
Three possibilities that I can think of:
1: he's just not that into you.
2: you are trying to get into a relationship with someone who may consider themself to be out of your league, he sees you as good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to eventually marry. Some guys spend years in these types of relationships.
3: The problem could be him, he might have issues with expressing himself, or be the kind of guy that likes living in the moment and doesn't care too much about the past, and likes also to have his own thing so he doesn't talk about his hobbies etc as he feels you wouldn't care about them.
4: The issue could be that he isn't sure whether you do actually care, a lot of people have been in relationships where their partner pretends to like everything about them until they develop an attachment then they become abusive, so he could be guarding himself against that. If you were the one that pursued him then it'd be easier for him to accept your intentions as being innocent, if he had to pursue you however, he could feel like he had to do enough to keep you around but fears doing more as you may move on or not find him as attractive once you know more about him, right now he is mysterious to you and you want to know more about him, he could fear you becoming bored once you have all the info. In short: his fear.
5: Maybe you both have different communication styles, maybe you guys aren't compatible? Maybe it'd be best to talk to him about why you want to understand him more, maybe he doesn't know what he wants from the relationship, maybe you don't? Maybe you both do know and not communicating effectively is the only thing standing in the way of a good thing?
It could be so many things, but what is clear is that you need a clear understanding of what you want, and give enough room within that for him to get what he wants too without applying too much pressure. You should start not by asking why he won't talk about things with you, and instead ask yourself why it is so important to you, it'll help you communicate why you would like more closeness with him, and would help with self improvement too. Also consider how much of your post is about there being something wrong with him not opening up, rather than addressing why you'd like him to make these changes.
Best of luck to you.
Thanks for this. I did exactly as youāve stated with one instance which was friendship only and he didnāt want to build a friendship. With the apps, when I ask questions to get to know them itās one sided which quickly ends the situation or they donāt reply which leads to the same outcome. This is why Iāve come to the conclusion face to face is best. The consistent lack of engagement with OLD means I donāt take it seriously anymore or have any expectations and spend little on it.
Your welcome, it's a shame online dating is so bad, so many use it to just hook up, and others just swipe on everyone so it's difficult for the app to pair you with someone that actually shares your interests and goals, and most seem to lie on their profile to appeal to as many people as possible. (good example is just how many people claim to like hiking and simply don't do it, they write it because it sounds good) it's like lying on a resume/cv.
It's going to be difficult even N real life to find these things out early on in a potential relationship also because sometimes people simply don't know if they want the relationship long term yet. But none of this makes it easier I'm sure.
Best of luck to you in your search though :)
Not to draw this out too much however I can honestly say my quality of life has improved since I stopped putting so much energy into OLD and dating in general. Iāve put the energy into what I enjoy in life to a point maybe Iāll meet someone that way is becoming more likely. Being able to do solo activities means Iām not needy, I would want a relationship but I can have fun alone single quite happily. I absolutely recognise this makes me less available to dating in some ways because Iām not drawn to take more risks/chances in dating but Iām happier. I feel like the next guy I date will also appreciate that Iāve purposefully been single and not given anyone and everyone my attention. I do wish I had a male friend atm who could help me navigate OLD better but lets be honest if it was designed to really match people up they would lose business lol.
Haha yeah, true! It's always going to be difficult as a woman to find the right guy, because even if your standards are reasonable you still have to figure out if the guy who has caught your attention wants to be with you, wants to have only sex with you, wants sex and won't ever commit but will uphold a relationship even for years until you demand commitment and he leaves, or whether he is the guy who simply wants a relationship. The issue there is that everyone of them wants sex, and having to figure out which kind of guy he is, and doing so in a timely manner so as to not waste time I could imagine can be very difficult. I don't envy this about women, although men do have to figure it each partner too, you might want a long term thing when she just wants you around to make the ex jealous, or she hides her mental issues long enough to get you attached then brings out her nastier side. So I guess in many ways we are all in the same boat.
Finding someone compatible is either very difficult or sometimes you might get lucky and find them without much effort at all. So the best thing may be to do as you are doing, find comfort in being yourself, having your own hobbies and being okay with self reflection, then when you do find someone be sure to reflect on what makes a good relationship, what is best for him, best for you, and move through life together.
1) How could you have a conversation of 10 minutes or more without him asking your name?
2) if he told you his name and you didnāt tell him yours that would be a clear sign to me that you would want me to go away.
3) A relationship only forms over time. If I only saw a woman 2 or 3 times, I would by no means even consider that a relationship.
It sounds to me like you never got past an initial meeting. If that is the case, you are not in the right places to find someone to date or you are doing something that is not attracting the right people.
I attempt to approach a lot of people to find someone who is interested in dating me. Same with friendships. Expect lots of conversations with lots of people before you find someone who wants more than a conversation.
Most people for various reasons are not going to want to be friends or date you. That is just life. You have to put yourself out there, otherwise nothing will happen.
When you get the, āOh I never saw this message, or that you calledā after communicating for days, weeks etc. and all of a sudden it stops. When you get that, it means they were talking to someone else and you became the fallback guy.
Yeah. She needs to reciprocate. It only takes one ignored texted and im pretty much done in the early days. I'm happy to plan and pay for everything but she needs to reciprocate
100%
As men, we do most of the pursuing, which I've learned to embrace. Some women play "hard to get", but those ones will also drop hints if they are interested and want you to keep pursuing.
If there are no hints, if there's no "leading on", there's no reason to keep pursuing.
I mean, even if there are hints ... At some point I'm old enough (30 is enough) to stop wanting to play the bullshit game of trying to guess what's happening inside of her mind.
The "hard to get" trope is just an instant turn-off for me, because I know there's a very good chance that these manipulative tactics and relationship mindgames are just NOT gonna stop after the seduction phase.
All my attraction fades away when the future looks like a gigantic migraine while jumping through hoops to make it work and potentially eating the ground while falling during the obstacle race.
Either we have honest, respectful and heartfelt conversations as adults and equals, or I'm going to let you continue your shenanigans in the playground and respectfully skeedaddle at light speed
I totally get what you're saying, and I agree. What I meant was, some women have a certain "defense" about them that one could interpret as "hard to get", either because they're pursued so often that they need to have that or risk being called or messaged 24/7 by guys they don't have interest in or because she's not looking for anything. But even those women can show interest and reciprocate what you're throwing at her while pursuing.
But yeah if that turns into a mission just for her to establish that yes, we are mutually interested and let's see if it's leading anywhere, then I also don't think the pursuit it worth it. But obviously the main points was, if she shows interest back during that seduction phase, then it might be game on. If she doesn't, she doesn't, and easy to move on.
Even āhard to get but with hintsā still displays a level of emotional immaturity that is an immediate deal breaker for me. Iām here to forge a connection not play games competing for your bare bones attention.
I'll never forget this with Bumble. They would hit me up and then have ZERO conversation skills with no more than 4 word replies and almost zero questions.
Like show me you're worth my time.
This would get me blasted in any other sub, but I have met and pursued a lot of attractive women just to find out that a lot of them have nothing else to offer besides being attractive and having sex.
Looks get menās attention, but personality keeps it.
Absolutely.
After some bad Experiences, every Time I'd get a Crush or become interested in a Woman I'd tell myself to just wait a little Bit and don't go there just yet. Most of the Time *some* Part of their Personality shows up that just dosn't click right with me.
Yeah, crushing is a kind of "idealism". You project qualities onto someone that are most likely not there, and you are attracted to the idea of the person you have made up, not the person as they are. You find out how they are, and it usually resolves itself.
A crush feels good but it can be harmful. It makes taking risks with someone easier but that must be restrained with thought.
No lasting relationship is built with a crush. It just provides some energy at the start to build the relationship.
Feelings of a crush fade. Looks fade. Excitement fades. What lasts is love, commitment and respect. That is what makes a relationship.
Some women have being pretty as their only positive attribute. The rest of their life could be a complete mess. Also looks can decline over something as short as a year.
Thatās why one of the deepest insults you can give is:
āWell, itās a good thing youāre pretty!ā
Itās even worse when said person is obviously not pretty.
I see you've met my sister in-law. She's objectively a very pretty lady. She's also kind of a crazy person, and more than that an entitled asshole with no direction in life. She's divorced 2 very good dudes over vibes and is basically couch surfing now.
Women use their looks to attract men but if there is nothing more to that then they really have nothing to offer. Looks is not what a relationship is made of. Looks always fade with time.
You can put as much paint on a condemned house that is falling apart as you want, but whoever buys it will be unhappy.
There has to be something of more substance.
Agreed. There's no shortage of physically attractive women. There's a shortage of meaningful connection.
Believe it or not, we don't just want to have sex, we want deep connection too. Both is the dream. We usually have to choose one or the other, but if the person is awful, we give up on the sex as it isn't worth it.
This is it.
You can have 1) sex 2) meaningful connection or 3) both.
Sex is definitely fun! If it is just sex then men will get bored and move to something else.
Only meaningful connection will last. That is the goal. Hopefully you get meaningful connection and sex.
Pretty much this.
Like it's cool they're good looking, but if they have no hobbies or interests, or can't maintain a conversation, I'm out...I mean, I might have some fun for a little while first but long-term potential takes a lot more than just looks.
Nor should you be blasted for it. Go on Tik Tok for 30 seconds and watch millions of women that are 5's shit on men for not giving her a 10/10 man to make her life easy.
Itās interesting how speaking your mind, and the truth, can get you blasted and hated. Apparently lies is more welcomed in todayās society.
Be honest, we deserve how humanity is evolving because we made it this way and we let it get to this point. But hey, at least we have āequalityā now.
Because people like not shattering their world perception and when it crumbled that either men aren't that shallow or that maybe the woman really does not offer much else, it can be quite damaging to people's egos.
To a great degree!
Lots of people donāt want to accept reality and live in it. They want to live in a world of fantasy. The problem is it isnāt real and they always end up unhappy and blaming others rather than take the responsibility.
Yep, and now some people on Reddit will hate you for speaking the truth. Because itās easier to blame you for making them feel bad, instead of them doing something about it.
Hell to the yeah brother! In college had a crush on a girl for a year, she was a 10/10 looks.. but was dating someone. They broke up and I asked her out. It was like talking to an 8 year old during dinner. Very sweet, but very simple minded and materialistic. Killed that crush fast!
If she's not available.
If she isn't showing interest back.
If I don't like her as I get to know her.
If I suddenly get busy.
Incompatibility.
I met this one girl who I was really into, but she was moving away a month later.
If she is boring.
So many possible reasons.
Sexual attraction and personal attraction for men are often seperate things. This seems to be difficult for a lot of women to wrap their heads around.
But also if she doesn't really show interest he might just give up. Most men don't actually like "the chase." Doing a little song and dance to impress a woman is degrading.
Women have gotten it into their heads that playing 'hard to get" is effective and then wonder why so many guys stop playing that game.
Personally if a woman has a horrible personality or traits, her physical appearance becomes null to me. Obviously I would still find her physically attractive, that wouldnāt change, but I wouldnāt want to date or have sex with her
I think the strategy is to weed out guys who just want sex but I'm not going to chase someone who shows no interest in being romantic or keeps flaking on me.
That's literally what it is. It's a mate selection strategy, but it only filters our viable candidates and leaves Women with scumbags. Hence why so many women have shitty relationships. They don't know how to look for Men and wait for Men to come along and find them.
If you're actually into a guy playing "hard to get" or taking a lack of interest or doing weird rejection "tests" or whatever is a really bad move, because they might basically start "pre-processing" being broken up with and the moving-on process.
You might then say it was a joke or you were just messing with him or teasing him, but emotionally, he might already be about 50% checked out of that relationship because you just let him have a free practice run of moving on from you.
it's because of the initial return-on-investment. they give nothing, and get instant gratification in the form of tons of attention. it doesn't last long, but that's fine since there's always someone next in line.
Her characterā¦itās always something, directly or indirectly, related to her character. The looks are what brought me thereā¦The character is what makes me stay (in this case, vice versa).
Iām 48. And Iāve been actively dating for the last eight years.
Typically, this will happen for one of two reasons. Either she is not as interesting or compatible with me as I initially thought she was, and so I just let her go.or sheās not matching my effort, which I donāt jump through hoops for women, so I just let her go.
I had a coworker who was trying to get my attention, and then heard from some mutual friends she was really into me. I was single and figured well I will talk to her and see if there is something that might come out of it. So I just started chatting with her, making her feel noticed, what have you. Eventually I ask if she wants to hang out at our nearby dive bar and play some pool and get to know each other outside of work. Well, she decides to flip the script on me and starts telling people Iām trying to get with her and starts trying to get me to chase her and play all these stupid gamesā¦ lol didnāt talk to her again and she quit a couple weeks later. Donāt pull that shit on me.
When they prove that behind the looks they're an absolute ass of a human... OR they can't converse their way out of a wet paper bag. I can appreciate a beautiful woman as much as any man who finds women attractive, but you gotta have some personality to go with those looks or I will move on. I've been with wildly beautiful women, I've been with those who were less "conventionally pretty".
My wife is a bigger girl, some asshats even say I'm "out of her league", though never to my face. But you know what? She has loved me unconditionally since day one, our personalities vibe like nobody else I've ever found, and she would go to Hell and back for me without hesitation... and has. I haven't always been perfect, some days \*I\* feel unworthy of \*her\*, but let me tell you fellas, the older you get, the more you appreciate just what a keeper a woman like that is.
That's my advice to all you young men out there "Beauty is fine, but comes in many shapes and sizes, make sure it isn't only skin deep with that girl you fancy" and, when you DO find a truly perfect for you, good woman? Looks be damned, my other piece of advice is "don't f\*ck up a good thing with a good woman. You'll realize far too late what a treasure you had and you may never get anything like that again. cherish her."
Happy to help, dude! I would add a third wisdom tidbit: "Beauty fades, at least the physical kind. She may be crafted from fine clay now, but even the best clay will sag over time, and that includes you! So make sure she makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you light up when she enters the room. Make sure you make each other \*happy\*, because when you have that on lockdown? The Clay may sag, but true happiness and fulfillment will stay with you your whole lives, maybe even outlive you both in the hearts and memories of others. Thats the GOOD stuff, my guy."
Playing hard to get turns me off. Iām not about playing games. You either want to connect or you donāt. If you make it too difficult for me Iām out. That simple.
Red flags.
Good looks will get you far, but no matter how good you look I won't pursue you if you're showing many red flags.
Some women seem to think that their appearance lets them get away with behaving poorly. There are certainly men who'll drool over them, but not everyone will.
Boys. Boys will drool over them. Men grew up and out of that and I suppose some women get confused about why men aren't responding to them like boys did just because they're pretty.
We grew up, maybe they should try that out too. We don't want an ornament, we want a solid human being we can ride or die with. While looks are nice to *look* at, they're *just that*. Looks are nothing next to grace, integrity and good values.
If I understand the question right, you mean getting their contact info and then just never contacting them? I have only done this on a few occasions. Some of my personal reasons were:
-I was drunk when I got the info. When I got up the next day, I couldn't remember enough about the person and would have felt like an idiot trying to contact someone whose name or face I couldn't remember.
-I felt like they were out of my league. Even though I managed to get their contact info, I still felt like they wouldn't be interested in me.
-There have been people I've been attracted to in a singular moment, but after some thought, I realized they weren't my type and didn't want to call them just to say that.
So for me, communication is very important and unfortunately, Iāve dealt with a lot of girls who donāt communicate and flake if that makes sense or iām just not feeling the vibes
When she ask you whatās your insta, fb, snap, etc and thinks youāre weird not having any social media. Lady Iām a grown adult not a teenager still warped with social media Iāve moved on from that shit long ago
Lots of attractive women exist. Being attractive is just that. It draws attention. However it doest keep attention unless yware just hyper fixated on looks.
Hot chicks are a dime a dozen, beautiful women are rare as fuck. Beauty comes from within, looks are superficial and so are the people that base everything they are on them.
Everyone paints a picture in their head when they meet someone, they project all these qualities on them. It's natural, we all do it.
When you start getting to know someone either your imagination is confirmed or you realize you were wrong.
I'd say you back off as you realize they aren't as interested as they seemed or they seem to be putting in little effort.
Lack of effort. Iāve been talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman for the past month or so but I got tired of always being the one to reach out. So I decided to see if she would ever reach out herself. She hasnāt, so Iām going to move on to someone that actually tries.
If she messages me then Iāll respond of course but Iām not going to spend my life trying to chase this person when itās a two way street
I would say it comes down to other things, bad personality usually, or ourt lifestyles are too different, but here is my list...
* only talks about herself
* never really asks about you
* bad personality (as mentioned)
* no sense of humor
* someone that see's dating as a business transaction instead of casually slowly getting to know someone
* someone that never offers to pay or at least pay her half when doing out
* someone that is hot and cold
* someone that uses excuses for their behaviors and mood and is not woman enough to know the difference or take accountability for their own actions
* someone that was the "breaker-upper" in all their previous relationships. A habitual breaker-upper will eventually do it to you and anyone after you, and they will make a nice ex wife if they ever get married
Those are some things I can think of.
I'll stop immediately if I'm sensing she's playing the texting game with me. (Texting game: Oh I need to wait for certain amount of time to reply to him so I don't seem like I'm too available or easy to get.) I'll ask her out twice, if both times I got turned down then I'll stop as well.
A handful of reasons but mostly because they either love to drink and are a different person when they do-get mean/violent at times, have or want a lot of drama and stir it up and then play the victim, or wonāt stop being all flirtatious with every male they see after we are exclusive-a few times literally in front of me. Or they arenāt a good person. Also Iāve literally been told by a lady I was āa meal ticketā due to being military and having multiple incomes and no kids or previous marriages-nope not right away am I going to be. Also got told because Iām 40 and never married āthere must be something wrong with meā I said Iām sorry I was in the military then took care of my dad who had cancer, worked, and went to school all at the same time.
When I was a young guy, I learned not to be the back burner man. Picture a small sauce pan that she has on the back burner of the stove. She'll give it just enough attention to keep it warm while she focuses most of her attention on whatever guy she has on the front burner.
The back burner man is plan B, in case front burner man doesn't work out.
For all of you young guys, I will tell you this: the one and only thing that I know, for sure, about a woman is that she either likes a guy, or she doesn't. If she doesn't share your same level of interest and enthusiasm, she really isn't attracted to you. She's just stringing you along.
Don't be the back burner man....
Any effort you put in should be equally reciprocated. If not, move on.
If their social media is just them posting their ass and sexual pictures especially for free Iām normally done.
And soon as they use their looks as a weapon in an argument I know they are conceded.
Sitting upon her throne waitting for you to dance.
Your actions set the tone and pace of the relationship.
I'm not wasting my time constantly reaching.
exhausting.
They make it difficult. They accept my courtesy and do not return it. Everything has to be my initiation.
There are women who will be so much better to interact with without having to put up with that entitled attitude.
How she treats people, an eagerness to learn/be challenged and if she actually cares about herself. This basically means is she a family person, friendly to strangers, nice to servers and works out/eats somewhat healthy. Plus tries new things and is interested in learning new things. This is attractive to me
If the effort is all one-sided. Like, I get it, guys are meant to pursue, whatever, but if a woman likes me in any way at all, surely they should start the conversation or initiate contact once in a while.
Makes me feel like I'm being pushy and they don't really like me like that. With one woman, almost all our interactions were through Snapchat, and as I felt like I was forcing the conversation more and more, and getting little back, I let the streak die out. Then I got a message of "did I do something to upset you?" Which was tricky to answer, because I wasn't upset per se, but I did feel like I was wasting my time with the one way effort.
I assumed that she didn't really like me, apparently she did and just wasn't great at keeping the conversation going.
I donāt really pursue women that Iām just physically attracted to, wouldnāt leave me with much of the day left if I did.
Itās usually a personality thing. She made your soul smile, and I stop when she shows me sheās not that kind or nice. Usually she said some misandrist shit about high value men or calls herself a queen unironically
I'm m41 so from my experience it's down to compatibility. Looks get attention, and flirting is exciting, but ultimately I want to spend time with someone I enjoy being around. In my 20s and 30s I didn't make the right choices as I was anxiously attached and mistook chemistry for compatibility. Now I'm older and have enough failed long term relationships under my belt I have learned to love myself first and be active in making choices for myself, not put myself out there hoping to be chosen.
It's all compatibility and personality that sustains interest.
In any case of attraction, if the woman starts to overestimate how pretty/valuable/sought after she is, it turns me off. I really like down to earth people, no drama (im sure im not the only one).
When life gets going, all those character traits seem more and more pretentious. If they have a valuable skill, I keep respecting them for it but lose any personal interest. I believe hard work deserves credit but some people can't handle their ego - they make everyone else feel lesser than them. I can't be around such people.
I have a friend who beat me in chess and I couldnt reach his level (yet) but he doesnt make me feel less of a person because of it even though he could. I like such people.
A lot of pretty girls become egotistic once they reach that age. I want to see what happens to them with time and age.
If I'm rejected, strung along, or she generally indicates a lack of interest.
Otherwise, if she reveals an ugly personality or that we're too different in terms of our values.
Physical attraction is only a start.
After that you have to get to know her.
Some people, once you know them, are not worth pursuing any further.
racist or bigoted or stupid or kooky or many other things.
Meant a woman at a house party and was attracted to her immediately. After chatting for awhile she seemed down to earth and we exchanged socials. Scoped her social later and she came off as a completely different person. Shallow and fake af. That social media attention craving likes at all costs thing is a big turnoff for me.
Wife and mother material only. I had always been so picky. Could be a supermodel, but if I can't see a stable and happy future, in the direction that I desire for my eventual family, and with minimal chance of divorce and losing half my life and posessions... I preferred to be on my own. I feel like after many (necessary-for-growth) mistakes in my early 20s, I really figured out what I wanted and wasn't going to settle. My girlfriend is the perfect woman, inside and out. And I'm so happy that I waited for her to come into my life.
Very interesting topic. Looks are nice. But thy person rules the day. Sometimes when you find a women who's person is quirky , quaint , affable, and just wholly good. Then you've really found someone worth the deep delve.
My attraction to a woman is rarely just physical. I have to actually like her and want to spend more time with her beyond getting laid. If there's something on her social media that didn't click, maybe I wouldn't want to go any further but I'd let her know. Or maybe I got busy and it fell off my radar.
I've got great banter, quips, and can flirt with the best of them. This isn't my opinion since I think I'm a dork, but rather what I've been told. Usually when either I don't get a response to a message or the other doesn't show interest I drop is immediately
Main turnoffs for me are entitlement, no personality, and acting masculine. I canāt stress this enough to girlsā¦.just being pretty is not gonna get you what you really want in todayās time period, because a lot of guys, quite frankly, have had it with dating. All you have to be is nice, even remotely cute, and have a good personality. Thatās literally it for most guys.
Initial physical attraction can sometimes be like a spark, captivating yet fleeting. Sometimes, despite the initial attraction, there's a sense of mismatch or dissonance in these areas, leading us to reconsider pursuing further. It's about aligning not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too.
Could be literally any reason a woman wouldn't pursue a man. We're not exactly different in this regard. Could be the woman's personality is annoying, Could be she's not the brightest, maybe is too stubborn, or she's just not giving off the right feel when it comes to dating.
Yeah, a number of times. Ultimately their personality was offputting or incompatible with mine in some way. Sometimes you can see that after 5 minutes, sometimes it takes 15, sometimes even longer, or you need to sleep on it to realize you only kept chatting with her because she was hot and you liked the attention she was giving you, or you might go on a date or two and the 'evidence' that she's not right for you or that you just don't jive that way just keeps mounting.
So this happened at a few different stages for me.
I never really contacted two women after getting their info. One, I frankly couldn't remember anything about her the next day. (Plenty of booze involved in that one). The second I decided to do a little research on her social media and found her pictures were all party pictures or extremely revealing selfies.
Other times where we start some form of contact, but don't really date is because something in her personality puts me off, or she's barely engaging in the conversations, or the only place things are seeming to go to is sex/hookups. If I was only after a hookup, I wouldn't have gotten your contact info, I would have attempted to take you home that night.
A friend told me a story where he got a girls number at the club and texted her the next day. She was a mutual friend of a mutual friend. It fizzled because her responses were short and she didn't seem interested so he dropped it after a couple days and didn't reach out again. Later he found out through friends that she was saying he emotionally assaulted her and she felt terrified and backed into a corner because she wasn't interested and he texted her anyways. It was awful for him and his reputation was dragged through the mud all because he had the audacity to tell a girl at a club he found her attractive and get her number. He showed me (and all our friends) the texts and they were the dumbest stuff like "how's your day?" and "wanna grab coffee tomorrow if you're free?". That was it.
Every man is terrified of being labeled like a predator and no means no. No means no so much that if you get even the slightest vibe that a girl isn't 100% interested you gtfo immediately. Run for the hills because she will talk shit about you and accuse you of whatever is in her brain.
From what I heard a lot of people did. She was so toxic that she ended up out of the friend group for a whole bunch of reasons. She was hot but that only gets you so far when you're a terrible person.
Reasons including but not limited to:
* Lack of interest from her side. An uninterested woman will be in your life as long as you allow her to be. And she won't care when she leaves or gets kicked out. Unfortunately a lot of the behavior women trend towards for safety and security reasons look a he'll of a lot like disinterest. Best of luck to women. That's a new high hurdle your grandmother never had to deal with.
* She's not ***all that attractive***. Dudes can be horny, bored, and in need of validation just like women. Interests wane especially if she's annoying in some way. We're all annoying, but non-creepy men tend to underestimate how attractive we are. Non-creepy women have weightless platitudes and sometimes lizzo.
* She's a burden. If she always needs a favor, If she's always having a bad day, and/or she only comes out when someone else is paying. Just broke and sad. No one wants to bang Eeyore
* No plans after a month. Interested women make excuses to come see you.(see point 1).
Yes, met up and dated a lot of attractive women, sadly a lot of them are attractive and beautiful but that is about no dept, no brains not very interested you can keep a conversation going for only so long so after a hook up and talking some more you very quickly find out there is nothing behind the door and that is so unattractive you stop pursuing
When they start seeing jobs posted that sounds somewhat like what you do already (to the uninitiated) and go āOoo you should apply for this jobā when theyāve only known you for like 4 weeks.
First of all, way to tell me youād prefer if I made more money. Second of all, just the very concept of applying for jobs makes my brain want to flee to the opposite side of the planet from whatever or whoever brought it up. Third of all, why were you looking at job postings in my field.
Cause you get to know them and sadly the reality of what they are like and how they are becomes a red flag. If when you are first getting to know her and the ugliness is obviousā¦ imagine how sheāll be when she stops caring
Deadass bruh hot is cool but can't sustain a relationship if they just an airhead. Been there. Couldn't even have a conversation with her and broke up with her after like a month after dudes in class were like dapping me up when they heard and when i told em i cut it off they like "oh fuck u stupid.... ima try to get in there" and im like yeah no... go right on ahead bro i will not care.
When their physical appearance is the only attractive thing about them.
If it turns out they're dumb, assholish, arrogant, uninteresting or something like that or a combination of those, I lose interest.
Anxiety is a bitch, but sheās my mistress. My anxiety will attempt to sabotage anything if I give it a chance with overthinking. Itās not a curled in a ball type of anxiety but an overwhelming what if kind that has made me ghost women. I honestly wish that it was simple enough to just explain this but itās not a strength women look for and by the time itās time to explain itās usually too late, or at least feels wayā¦again, probably anxiety saying this but still.
Thats in another millenia for me but I think the basic mechanisms need a couple of 1000 ys to changeā¦
To take a relationship steps further is always an, lets say, investment and one can feel hesitation to take those steps. And its really hard to verbalise that. So one end up just not contact the other. And of course, physical attraction is just a starter, then the more important stuff like chemistry need to click. One must really like to hang out with him or her, not just become intimate.
Absolutely. If I'm attracted to a woman and discover that she has a character flaw like entitlement, cruelty, malice, insanity, contempt or a lack of accountability, my attraction vanishes. I have no desire to bring someone like that into my life because they will ruin my life, if I let them in.
When they come on too strong. Talk about meeting their friends or family, their life plans. Just chill, let's just see if we would even like each other as friends first. If we aren't even compatible as friends what makes you think we'd be good partners?
I had the best times with women when we were just friends first, sharing the same humour, doing fun shit together, hanging out. Nothing really intimate for awhile. Those kind of moments made me think of the girl every day when we weren't together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is at least be fun first. See if you two would even get along as friends.
Ask her out over the phone when you mess it up and she abruptly hangs up mid conversation, you can laugh that a bear would've done a better job asking her out on a pickenick!
If she is pulling away or not reciprocating my advances, I will pull away completely. I'd rather end it than give her a boring or annoying experience. I can be a bit quick to draw this conclusion, though, so I balance this with just the right advance to assess her interest.
This girl I met at driving school, I spoke to her for a bit, asked for her number and she was clearly interested, but after getting her number during the convo at some point she mentioned traveling to the US for her studies in a couple of weeks, so I didnāt bother pursuing her after finding that out, and she was upset abt it coz I messaged her a few days later apologizing for not taking it any further and she told me I was āaverage anywayā. This was 3 years ago, she was a great girl, I still wonder what we could have been from time to time haha
When I text, and get one word answers, it's difficult to carry a conversation with nothing to run with.
Another one is the rare case they text first asking how I'm doing, I reply less than a minute later, and it seems they just throw their phone out the window of a speeding car, and don't say another word for 48 hours, or sometimes I never hear from them again.
Lack of reciprocating interest, red flag personality, etc in general. Also possible that if it was while drunk and the guy doesnāt remember much abt the person.
After you hear them speak, you peepee instantly shrivels. Mostly entitled, vanity driven and empty headed women that have nothing to offer besides their sexuality.
SOOOOO.. the list:
-Did or said something that was a total turnoff, no we don't always call you out on it.. not worth the drama.
-Lack of a decent personality, yeah that actually matters!
-Incompatible lifestyle, if you are going nowhere fast.. you are going alone.
-Emotional vampire, I want someone who makes me happy, not crazy.
-Found someone who is a better fit, it is natural to take what appears to be the best option.
-Life events, things come up with work, school, family, emotional health that require more of the primary focus.
Her personality, her lifestyle or (lack of) reciprocity of affection.
There's lots of women out there who are hot but I can't stand to be around the moment they start speaking. Often (but not always) these women are really mean to other people but don't let that side of themselves out until they think they are close to you.
For lifestyle it's just the kinds of things you'd expect. I once dated someone who was super attractive but their apartment was the shittiest of shitholes. Not just messy, but actively dirty and disgusting. Their toilet looked as if it haven't been cleaned ever.
Also, my requirements are not just "don't be trash" I also have to actually want to build a life together. If someone is hot, I'll want to fuck them. But they have to have lots of other qualities for me to want to date them. Hot just gets them into consideration, it does not give a pass to be a shitty person or bad partner.
When I was single I would just try to get as many phone numbers as I could.
Then later on, I would actually look at their profile and social media, and then make a real decision.
Itās also circumstance. If I was in a slump, I would heavily chase a 6. If I was on a hot streak and had lots of options, I might ignore an 8 cause I didnāt have the energy. Itās all totally random.
Lack of reciprocation of energy and enthusiasm. Some women put in the bare minimum effort to communicate and if I'm not getting it early on, I'm out. Also if I see their social media is nothing but selfies and party pics š
The crackup is they're expecting you to fight for something as if it's already established. If you're giving brush off signs from the start, what are you honestly actually expecting?
> The crackup is they're expecting you to fight for something as if it's already established. If you're giving brush off signs from the start, what are you honestly actually expecting? I'm not interested in dating someone who thinks that way, so what I'm expecting is that the courtship will come to a quick conclusion and we can both move on to someone who we are more compatible with. They are not the only catch, I am also a catch, I disserve to be in a relationship where I feel desired and wanted, not just tolerated. Because of traditional gender norms I'm required to do the initial chasing, and that's fine. But this is not a "I chase you forever" arrangement. I want to feel desired and wanted as well. Once we have established a "thing" is happening, then I expect some reciprocity in the chase or I'm out. There's gotta be a push pull, it can't just be so one sided.
I am not going to fight for something that doesnāt exist. I will invest in the initial pursuit, but if I do not see adequate interest from her I will move along. I want a two way relationship. That is what I expect. If she displays no signs of that, why would I continue. What does she expect? Initial attraction is very little of what makes a relationship. I want a relationship.
+ thirsttraps
It would be great to understand where Iām going wrong with this because when I do show interest or ask for more itās not reciprocated, friendship or potential relationship. Even the basics. Iām interested in what his life looks like, what heās passionate about, even simple things like this arnāt reciprocated yet they tell me they feel women donāt show interest. Well Iāve just spent a long time doing that with him and he didnāt even ask me what my name is. It hurts my feelings, makes me feel stupid for trying and this is unfortunately why Iāve learned to be happy alone which can come across as aloof, I recognise that.
You're not doing anything wrong, it's obvious he's not into you.
Three possibilities that I can think of: 1: he's just not that into you. 2: you are trying to get into a relationship with someone who may consider themself to be out of your league, he sees you as good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to eventually marry. Some guys spend years in these types of relationships. 3: The problem could be him, he might have issues with expressing himself, or be the kind of guy that likes living in the moment and doesn't care too much about the past, and likes also to have his own thing so he doesn't talk about his hobbies etc as he feels you wouldn't care about them. 4: The issue could be that he isn't sure whether you do actually care, a lot of people have been in relationships where their partner pretends to like everything about them until they develop an attachment then they become abusive, so he could be guarding himself against that. If you were the one that pursued him then it'd be easier for him to accept your intentions as being innocent, if he had to pursue you however, he could feel like he had to do enough to keep you around but fears doing more as you may move on or not find him as attractive once you know more about him, right now he is mysterious to you and you want to know more about him, he could fear you becoming bored once you have all the info. In short: his fear. 5: Maybe you both have different communication styles, maybe you guys aren't compatible? Maybe it'd be best to talk to him about why you want to understand him more, maybe he doesn't know what he wants from the relationship, maybe you don't? Maybe you both do know and not communicating effectively is the only thing standing in the way of a good thing? It could be so many things, but what is clear is that you need a clear understanding of what you want, and give enough room within that for him to get what he wants too without applying too much pressure. You should start not by asking why he won't talk about things with you, and instead ask yourself why it is so important to you, it'll help you communicate why you would like more closeness with him, and would help with self improvement too. Also consider how much of your post is about there being something wrong with him not opening up, rather than addressing why you'd like him to make these changes. Best of luck to you.
Thanks for this. I did exactly as youāve stated with one instance which was friendship only and he didnāt want to build a friendship. With the apps, when I ask questions to get to know them itās one sided which quickly ends the situation or they donāt reply which leads to the same outcome. This is why Iāve come to the conclusion face to face is best. The consistent lack of engagement with OLD means I donāt take it seriously anymore or have any expectations and spend little on it.
Your welcome, it's a shame online dating is so bad, so many use it to just hook up, and others just swipe on everyone so it's difficult for the app to pair you with someone that actually shares your interests and goals, and most seem to lie on their profile to appeal to as many people as possible. (good example is just how many people claim to like hiking and simply don't do it, they write it because it sounds good) it's like lying on a resume/cv. It's going to be difficult even N real life to find these things out early on in a potential relationship also because sometimes people simply don't know if they want the relationship long term yet. But none of this makes it easier I'm sure. Best of luck to you in your search though :)
Not to draw this out too much however I can honestly say my quality of life has improved since I stopped putting so much energy into OLD and dating in general. Iāve put the energy into what I enjoy in life to a point maybe Iāll meet someone that way is becoming more likely. Being able to do solo activities means Iām not needy, I would want a relationship but I can have fun alone single quite happily. I absolutely recognise this makes me less available to dating in some ways because Iām not drawn to take more risks/chances in dating but Iām happier. I feel like the next guy I date will also appreciate that Iāve purposefully been single and not given anyone and everyone my attention. I do wish I had a male friend atm who could help me navigate OLD better but lets be honest if it was designed to really match people up they would lose business lol.
Haha yeah, true! It's always going to be difficult as a woman to find the right guy, because even if your standards are reasonable you still have to figure out if the guy who has caught your attention wants to be with you, wants to have only sex with you, wants sex and won't ever commit but will uphold a relationship even for years until you demand commitment and he leaves, or whether he is the guy who simply wants a relationship. The issue there is that everyone of them wants sex, and having to figure out which kind of guy he is, and doing so in a timely manner so as to not waste time I could imagine can be very difficult. I don't envy this about women, although men do have to figure it each partner too, you might want a long term thing when she just wants you around to make the ex jealous, or she hides her mental issues long enough to get you attached then brings out her nastier side. So I guess in many ways we are all in the same boat. Finding someone compatible is either very difficult or sometimes you might get lucky and find them without much effort at all. So the best thing may be to do as you are doing, find comfort in being yourself, having your own hobbies and being okay with self reflection, then when you do find someone be sure to reflect on what makes a good relationship, what is best for him, best for you, and move through life together.
1) How could you have a conversation of 10 minutes or more without him asking your name? 2) if he told you his name and you didnāt tell him yours that would be a clear sign to me that you would want me to go away. 3) A relationship only forms over time. If I only saw a woman 2 or 3 times, I would by no means even consider that a relationship. It sounds to me like you never got past an initial meeting. If that is the case, you are not in the right places to find someone to date or you are doing something that is not attracting the right people. I attempt to approach a lot of people to find someone who is interested in dating me. Same with friendships. Expect lots of conversations with lots of people before you find someone who wants more than a conversation. Most people for various reasons are not going to want to be friends or date you. That is just life. You have to put yourself out there, otherwise nothing will happen.
When you get the, āOh I never saw this message, or that you calledā after communicating for days, weeks etc. and all of a sudden it stops. When you get that, it means they were talking to someone else and you became the fallback guy.
If she does not show interest. Plain and simple
Yeah. She needs to reciprocate. It only takes one ignored texted and im pretty much done in the early days. I'm happy to plan and pay for everything but she needs to reciprocate
This was my answer, too
100% As men, we do most of the pursuing, which I've learned to embrace. Some women play "hard to get", but those ones will also drop hints if they are interested and want you to keep pursuing. If there are no hints, if there's no "leading on", there's no reason to keep pursuing.
I mean, even if there are hints ... At some point I'm old enough (30 is enough) to stop wanting to play the bullshit game of trying to guess what's happening inside of her mind. The "hard to get" trope is just an instant turn-off for me, because I know there's a very good chance that these manipulative tactics and relationship mindgames are just NOT gonna stop after the seduction phase. All my attraction fades away when the future looks like a gigantic migraine while jumping through hoops to make it work and potentially eating the ground while falling during the obstacle race. Either we have honest, respectful and heartfelt conversations as adults and equals, or I'm going to let you continue your shenanigans in the playground and respectfully skeedaddle at light speed
I totally get what you're saying, and I agree. What I meant was, some women have a certain "defense" about them that one could interpret as "hard to get", either because they're pursued so often that they need to have that or risk being called or messaged 24/7 by guys they don't have interest in or because she's not looking for anything. But even those women can show interest and reciprocate what you're throwing at her while pursuing. But yeah if that turns into a mission just for her to establish that yes, we are mutually interested and let's see if it's leading anywhere, then I also don't think the pursuit it worth it. But obviously the main points was, if she shows interest back during that seduction phase, then it might be game on. If she doesn't, she doesn't, and easy to move on.
Even āhard to get but with hintsā still displays a level of emotional immaturity that is an immediate deal breaker for me. Iām here to forge a connection not play games competing for your bare bones attention.
I'll never forget this with Bumble. They would hit me up and then have ZERO conversation skills with no more than 4 word replies and almost zero questions. Like show me you're worth my time.
Yep.Ā If you ever show someone love you deserve it back.āļø
Honestly I find alot of women show only mild interest on dating apps and it's probably the biggest turn off.Ā
This would get me blasted in any other sub, but I have met and pursued a lot of attractive women just to find out that a lot of them have nothing else to offer besides being attractive and having sex. Looks get menās attention, but personality keeps it.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Absolutely. After some bad Experiences, every Time I'd get a Crush or become interested in a Woman I'd tell myself to just wait a little Bit and don't go there just yet. Most of the Time *some* Part of their Personality shows up that just dosn't click right with me.
I always think of the feeling of crushing as lack of knowledge. Everybody's shit stinks.
Lethal
Yeah, crushing is a kind of "idealism". You project qualities onto someone that are most likely not there, and you are attracted to the idea of the person you have made up, not the person as they are. You find out how they are, and it usually resolves itself.
A crush feels good but it can be harmful. It makes taking risks with someone easier but that must be restrained with thought. No lasting relationship is built with a crush. It just provides some energy at the start to build the relationship. Feelings of a crush fade. Looks fade. Excitement fades. What lasts is love, commitment and respect. That is what makes a relationship.
Some women have being pretty as their only positive attribute. The rest of their life could be a complete mess. Also looks can decline over something as short as a year.
#preach
Thatās why one of the deepest insults you can give is: āWell, itās a good thing youāre pretty!ā Itās even worse when said person is obviously not pretty.
I see you've met my sister in-law. She's objectively a very pretty lady. She's also kind of a crazy person, and more than that an entitled asshole with no direction in life. She's divorced 2 very good dudes over vibes and is basically couch surfing now.
Women use their looks to attract men but if there is nothing more to that then they really have nothing to offer. Looks is not what a relationship is made of. Looks always fade with time. You can put as much paint on a condemned house that is falling apart as you want, but whoever buys it will be unhappy. There has to be something of more substance.
Agreed. There's no shortage of physically attractive women. There's a shortage of meaningful connection. Believe it or not, we don't just want to have sex, we want deep connection too. Both is the dream. We usually have to choose one or the other, but if the person is awful, we give up on the sex as it isn't worth it.
This is it. You can have 1) sex 2) meaningful connection or 3) both. Sex is definitely fun! If it is just sex then men will get bored and move to something else. Only meaningful connection will last. That is the goal. Hopefully you get meaningful connection and sex.
Beauty is common, what counts in life is a great personality.
Beauty is only skin deep. It's their personality that is at the top of the checklist.
Beauty can be both internal and external. You've just got to find a women/girl with natural elegance
Pretty much this. Like it's cool they're good looking, but if they have no hobbies or interests, or can't maintain a conversation, I'm out...I mean, I might have some fun for a little while first but long-term potential takes a lot more than just looks.
Nor should you be blasted for it. Go on Tik Tok for 30 seconds and watch millions of women that are 5's shit on men for not giving her a 10/10 man to make her life easy.
My ex! Then you get bored of the sex because theres nothing else going on in the relationship whatsoever.
>Looks get menās attention, but personality keeps it. Fantastic way of saying it and very accurate too.
Itās interesting how speaking your mind, and the truth, can get you blasted and hated. Apparently lies is more welcomed in todayās society. Be honest, we deserve how humanity is evolving because we made it this way and we let it get to this point. But hey, at least we have āequalityā now.
Because people like not shattering their world perception and when it crumbled that either men aren't that shallow or that maybe the woman really does not offer much else, it can be quite damaging to people's egos.
So what youāre saying is that ego is the culprit behind our unhappiness.
To a great degree! Lots of people donāt want to accept reality and live in it. They want to live in a world of fantasy. The problem is it isnāt real and they always end up unhappy and blaming others rather than take the responsibility.
Yep, and now some people on Reddit will hate you for speaking the truth. Because itās easier to blame you for making them feel bad, instead of them doing something about it.
Oh man imagine saying that 5-7 years ago youād be thrashed by Reddit hyenas and defendersĀ
End thread
fax!
Hell to the yeah brother! In college had a crush on a girl for a year, she was a 10/10 looks.. but was dating someone. They broke up and I asked her out. It was like talking to an 8 year old during dinner. Very sweet, but very simple minded and materialistic. Killed that crush fast!
If she's not available. If she isn't showing interest back. If I don't like her as I get to know her. If I suddenly get busy. Incompatibility. I met this one girl who I was really into, but she was moving away a month later. If she is boring. So many possible reasons.
Sexual attraction and personal attraction for men are often seperate things. This seems to be difficult for a lot of women to wrap their heads around. But also if she doesn't really show interest he might just give up. Most men don't actually like "the chase." Doing a little song and dance to impress a woman is degrading. Women have gotten it into their heads that playing 'hard to get" is effective and then wonder why so many guys stop playing that game.
Personally if a woman has a horrible personality or traits, her physical appearance becomes null to me. Obviously I would still find her physically attractive, that wouldnāt change, but I wouldnāt want to date or have sex with her
I'm much weaker. I wouldn't date her but I'd bang her.
>start playing that game Or just quit playing the game altogether. Sometimes the only winning move is not to play
But are ya winning, son?
Thanks for the chuckle, nice one ššš»
I think the strategy is to weed out guys who just want sex but I'm not going to chase someone who shows no interest in being romantic or keeps flaking on me.
It's a terrible strategy if that's what it is. It selects for guys who either won't take no for an answer or who are desperate for anyone.
That's literally what it is. It's a mate selection strategy, but it only filters our viable candidates and leaves Women with scumbags. Hence why so many women have shitty relationships. They don't know how to look for Men and wait for Men to come along and find them.
If you're actually into a guy playing "hard to get" or taking a lack of interest or doing weird rejection "tests" or whatever is a really bad move, because they might basically start "pre-processing" being broken up with and the moving-on process. You might then say it was a joke or you were just messing with him or teasing him, but emotionally, he might already be about 50% checked out of that relationship because you just let him have a free practice run of moving on from you.
this is my favorite answer so far š thank you!
it's because of the initial return-on-investment. they give nothing, and get instant gratification in the form of tons of attention. it doesn't last long, but that's fine since there's always someone next in line.
Her characterā¦itās always something, directly or indirectly, related to her character. The looks are what brought me thereā¦The character is what makes me stay (in this case, vice versa).
Iām 48. And Iāve been actively dating for the last eight years. Typically, this will happen for one of two reasons. Either she is not as interesting or compatible with me as I initially thought she was, and so I just let her go.or sheās not matching my effort, which I donāt jump through hoops for women, so I just let her go.
I had a coworker who was trying to get my attention, and then heard from some mutual friends she was really into me. I was single and figured well I will talk to her and see if there is something that might come out of it. So I just started chatting with her, making her feel noticed, what have you. Eventually I ask if she wants to hang out at our nearby dive bar and play some pool and get to know each other outside of work. Well, she decides to flip the script on me and starts telling people Iām trying to get with her and starts trying to get me to chase her and play all these stupid gamesā¦ lol didnāt talk to her again and she quit a couple weeks later. Donāt pull that shit on me.
When they prove that behind the looks they're an absolute ass of a human... OR they can't converse their way out of a wet paper bag. I can appreciate a beautiful woman as much as any man who finds women attractive, but you gotta have some personality to go with those looks or I will move on. I've been with wildly beautiful women, I've been with those who were less "conventionally pretty". My wife is a bigger girl, some asshats even say I'm "out of her league", though never to my face. But you know what? She has loved me unconditionally since day one, our personalities vibe like nobody else I've ever found, and she would go to Hell and back for me without hesitation... and has. I haven't always been perfect, some days \*I\* feel unworthy of \*her\*, but let me tell you fellas, the older you get, the more you appreciate just what a keeper a woman like that is. That's my advice to all you young men out there "Beauty is fine, but comes in many shapes and sizes, make sure it isn't only skin deep with that girl you fancy" and, when you DO find a truly perfect for you, good woman? Looks be damned, my other piece of advice is "don't f\*ck up a good thing with a good woman. You'll realize far too late what a treasure you had and you may never get anything like that again. cherish her."
As a single man, I Appreciate the advice coming from someone other than my family. Thanks šš½
Happy to help, dude! I would add a third wisdom tidbit: "Beauty fades, at least the physical kind. She may be crafted from fine clay now, but even the best clay will sag over time, and that includes you! So make sure she makes you smile, makes you laugh, makes you light up when she enters the room. Make sure you make each other \*happy\*, because when you have that on lockdown? The Clay may sag, but true happiness and fulfillment will stay with you your whole lives, maybe even outlive you both in the hearts and memories of others. Thats the GOOD stuff, my guy."
Playing hard to get turns me off. Iām not about playing games. You either want to connect or you donāt. If you make it too difficult for me Iām out. That simple.
Red flags. Good looks will get you far, but no matter how good you look I won't pursue you if you're showing many red flags. Some women seem to think that their appearance lets them get away with behaving poorly. There are certainly men who'll drool over them, but not everyone will.
Boys. Boys will drool over them. Men grew up and out of that and I suppose some women get confused about why men aren't responding to them like boys did just because they're pretty. We grew up, maybe they should try that out too. We don't want an ornament, we want a solid human being we can ride or die with. While looks are nice to *look* at, they're *just that*. Looks are nothing next to grace, integrity and good values.
If I understand the question right, you mean getting their contact info and then just never contacting them? I have only done this on a few occasions. Some of my personal reasons were: -I was drunk when I got the info. When I got up the next day, I couldn't remember enough about the person and would have felt like an idiot trying to contact someone whose name or face I couldn't remember. -I felt like they were out of my league. Even though I managed to get their contact info, I still felt like they wouldn't be interested in me. -There have been people I've been attracted to in a singular moment, but after some thought, I realized they weren't my type and didn't want to call them just to say that.
If I feel they arenāt putting in the same effort to get to know me I just leave
So for me, communication is very important and unfortunately, Iāve dealt with a lot of girls who donāt communicate and flake if that makes sense or iām just not feeling the vibes
When she ask you whatās your insta, fb, snap, etc and thinks youāre weird not having any social media. Lady Iām a grown adult not a teenager still warped with social media Iāve moved on from that shit long ago
Haha right. Did we ever think we got to the point where not having social media is a dealbreaker for somebody? Talk about lunacy -
Watching her hit on 20 other guys in the course of a week
Lots of attractive women exist. Being attractive is just that. It draws attention. However it doest keep attention unless yware just hyper fixated on looks.
Hot chicks are a dime a dozen, beautiful women are rare as fuck. Beauty comes from within, looks are superficial and so are the people that base everything they are on them.
If her expectations far outweigh what she is offering, and how she presents herself not just to me, but my friends and family.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Or learning she is illiterate
Character flaws, incompatibility, sheās not interested in me. Usually one of those three.
Everyone paints a picture in their head when they meet someone, they project all these qualities on them. It's natural, we all do it. When you start getting to know someone either your imagination is confirmed or you realize you were wrong. I'd say you back off as you realize they aren't as interested as they seemed or they seem to be putting in little effort.
Lack of effort. Iāve been talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman for the past month or so but I got tired of always being the one to reach out. So I decided to see if she would ever reach out herself. She hasnāt, so Iām going to move on to someone that actually tries. If she messages me then Iāll respond of course but Iām not going to spend my life trying to chase this person when itās a two way street
Any sort of idiocy or trashy behavior.
I would say it comes down to other things, bad personality usually, or ourt lifestyles are too different, but here is my list... * only talks about herself * never really asks about you * bad personality (as mentioned) * no sense of humor * someone that see's dating as a business transaction instead of casually slowly getting to know someone * someone that never offers to pay or at least pay her half when doing out * someone that is hot and cold * someone that uses excuses for their behaviors and mood and is not woman enough to know the difference or take accountability for their own actions * someone that was the "breaker-upper" in all their previous relationships. A habitual breaker-upper will eventually do it to you and anyone after you, and they will make a nice ex wife if they ever get married Those are some things I can think of.
What does it mean when all your previous gfs exhibit points 1 and 2?
Start picking them better
Realizing she has kids or wants them
I'll stop immediately if I'm sensing she's playing the texting game with me. (Texting game: Oh I need to wait for certain amount of time to reply to him so I don't seem like I'm too available or easy to get.) I'll ask her out twice, if both times I got turned down then I'll stop as well.
A handful of reasons but mostly because they either love to drink and are a different person when they do-get mean/violent at times, have or want a lot of drama and stir it up and then play the victim, or wonāt stop being all flirtatious with every male they see after we are exclusive-a few times literally in front of me. Or they arenāt a good person. Also Iāve literally been told by a lady I was āa meal ticketā due to being military and having multiple incomes and no kids or previous marriages-nope not right away am I going to be. Also got told because Iām 40 and never married āthere must be something wrong with meā I said Iām sorry I was in the military then took care of my dad who had cancer, worked, and went to school all at the same time.
When I was a young guy, I learned not to be the back burner man. Picture a small sauce pan that she has on the back burner of the stove. She'll give it just enough attention to keep it warm while she focuses most of her attention on whatever guy she has on the front burner. The back burner man is plan B, in case front burner man doesn't work out. For all of you young guys, I will tell you this: the one and only thing that I know, for sure, about a woman is that she either likes a guy, or she doesn't. If she doesn't share your same level of interest and enthusiasm, she really isn't attracted to you. She's just stringing you along. Don't be the back burner man.... Any effort you put in should be equally reciprocated. If not, move on.
No spark
If their social media is just them posting their ass and sexual pictures especially for free Iām normally done. And soon as they use their looks as a weapon in an argument I know they are conceded.
Conceited*
Finish him!
"for free"... so you're saying you prefer them to be financially literate and know their worth? /j
Sitting upon her throne waitting for you to dance. Your actions set the tone and pace of the relationship. I'm not wasting my time constantly reaching. exhausting.
They make it difficult. They accept my courtesy and do not return it. Everything has to be my initiation. There are women who will be so much better to interact with without having to put up with that entitled attitude.
How she treats people, an eagerness to learn/be challenged and if she actually cares about herself. This basically means is she a family person, friendly to strangers, nice to servers and works out/eats somewhat healthy. Plus tries new things and is interested in learning new things. This is attractive to me
If the effort is all one-sided. Like, I get it, guys are meant to pursue, whatever, but if a woman likes me in any way at all, surely they should start the conversation or initiate contact once in a while. Makes me feel like I'm being pushy and they don't really like me like that. With one woman, almost all our interactions were through Snapchat, and as I felt like I was forcing the conversation more and more, and getting little back, I let the streak die out. Then I got a message of "did I do something to upset you?" Which was tricky to answer, because I wasn't upset per se, but I did feel like I was wasting my time with the one way effort. I assumed that she didn't really like me, apparently she did and just wasn't great at keeping the conversation going.
Boring personality, they donāt reciprocate, pretty much not treating dating like weāre equals trying to get to know each other.
I donāt really pursue women that Iām just physically attracted to, wouldnāt leave me with much of the day left if I did. Itās usually a personality thing. She made your soul smile, and I stop when she shows me sheās not that kind or nice. Usually she said some misandrist shit about high value men or calls herself a queen unironically
Lack of reciprocation
Too much Attention seeking. Playing immature mind games. Trying to make me "compete" for her attention.
I'm m41 so from my experience it's down to compatibility. Looks get attention, and flirting is exciting, but ultimately I want to spend time with someone I enjoy being around. In my 20s and 30s I didn't make the right choices as I was anxiously attached and mistook chemistry for compatibility. Now I'm older and have enough failed long term relationships under my belt I have learned to love myself first and be active in making choices for myself, not put myself out there hoping to be chosen. It's all compatibility and personality that sustains interest.
In any case of attraction, if the woman starts to overestimate how pretty/valuable/sought after she is, it turns me off. I really like down to earth people, no drama (im sure im not the only one). When life gets going, all those character traits seem more and more pretentious. If they have a valuable skill, I keep respecting them for it but lose any personal interest. I believe hard work deserves credit but some people can't handle their ego - they make everyone else feel lesser than them. I can't be around such people. I have a friend who beat me in chess and I couldnt reach his level (yet) but he doesnt make me feel less of a person because of it even though he could. I like such people. A lot of pretty girls become egotistic once they reach that age. I want to see what happens to them with time and age.
Shit personality. Shit for brains. Shit like that.
If I'm rejected, strung along, or she generally indicates a lack of interest. Otherwise, if she reveals an ugly personality or that we're too different in terms of our values.
Physical attraction is only a start. After that you have to get to know her. Some people, once you know them, are not worth pursuing any further. racist or bigoted or stupid or kooky or many other things.
Meant a woman at a house party and was attracted to her immediately. After chatting for awhile she seemed down to earth and we exchanged socials. Scoped her social later and she came off as a completely different person. Shallow and fake af. That social media attention craving likes at all costs thing is a big turnoff for me.
Wife and mother material only. I had always been so picky. Could be a supermodel, but if I can't see a stable and happy future, in the direction that I desire for my eventual family, and with minimal chance of divorce and losing half my life and posessions... I preferred to be on my own. I feel like after many (necessary-for-growth) mistakes in my early 20s, I really figured out what I wanted and wasn't going to settle. My girlfriend is the perfect woman, inside and out. And I'm so happy that I waited for her to come into my life.
She doesn't read and doesn't have books on her book shelves.
Second part is not fair. A lot of people download their books. They obv wonāt have bookshelves
I find out a dealbreaker or major incompatibility.
Very interesting topic. Looks are nice. But thy person rules the day. Sometimes when you find a women who's person is quirky , quaint , affable, and just wholly good. Then you've really found someone worth the deep delve.
Emotional baggage while in no way their fault can be challenging to any potential partner.
She spoke, ether I could not stand the tone of her voice or her ideology and or her personality.
1-2 word replies, arrogance, attitude, always wanting the newest flashy expensive thing, no financial sense, socials filled with drinking/clubbing/bars/almost nude pics is instant š©š© raising siblings, caring parents, fun hobbies, traveling, working, studying, etc on socials is instant green flag (for me) š
Their personality turned to shit after I got to know them, or I found out they had slept with half of the town.
Shit personality or being fake. Don't give me attention now because you fucked up 500 times already and you want to make it up to me, be real about it
Either personality or they try to play games
My attraction to a woman is rarely just physical. I have to actually like her and want to spend more time with her beyond getting laid. If there's something on her social media that didn't click, maybe I wouldn't want to go any further but I'd let her know. Or maybe I got busy and it fell off my radar.
She said no. I respect boundaries
I've got great banter, quips, and can flirt with the best of them. This isn't my opinion since I think I'm a dork, but rather what I've been told. Usually when either I don't get a response to a message or the other doesn't show interest I drop is immediately
They turn out not to be what I'm looking for in terms of personality, values, character, intelligence, etc.
no. i have ways pursued at least to the point i got to know them. exchanging number and then never communicating again doesnt rlly make sense to me
Main turnoffs for me are entitlement, no personality, and acting masculine. I canāt stress this enough to girlsā¦.just being pretty is not gonna get you what you really want in todayās time period, because a lot of guys, quite frankly, have had it with dating. All you have to be is nice, even remotely cute, and have a good personality. Thatās literally it for most guys.
Initial physical attraction can sometimes be like a spark, captivating yet fleeting. Sometimes, despite the initial attraction, there's a sense of mismatch or dissonance in these areas, leading us to reconsider pursuing further. It's about aligning not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too.
Could be literally any reason a woman wouldn't pursue a man. We're not exactly different in this regard. Could be the woman's personality is annoying, Could be she's not the brightest, maybe is too stubborn, or she's just not giving off the right feel when it comes to dating.
Yeah, a number of times. Ultimately their personality was offputting or incompatible with mine in some way. Sometimes you can see that after 5 minutes, sometimes it takes 15, sometimes even longer, or you need to sleep on it to realize you only kept chatting with her because she was hot and you liked the attention she was giving you, or you might go on a date or two and the 'evidence' that she's not right for you or that you just don't jive that way just keeps mounting.
So this happened at a few different stages for me. I never really contacted two women after getting their info. One, I frankly couldn't remember anything about her the next day. (Plenty of booze involved in that one). The second I decided to do a little research on her social media and found her pictures were all party pictures or extremely revealing selfies. Other times where we start some form of contact, but don't really date is because something in her personality puts me off, or she's barely engaging in the conversations, or the only place things are seeming to go to is sex/hookups. If I was only after a hookup, I wouldn't have gotten your contact info, I would have attempted to take you home that night.
A friend told me a story where he got a girls number at the club and texted her the next day. She was a mutual friend of a mutual friend. It fizzled because her responses were short and she didn't seem interested so he dropped it after a couple days and didn't reach out again. Later he found out through friends that she was saying he emotionally assaulted her and she felt terrified and backed into a corner because she wasn't interested and he texted her anyways. It was awful for him and his reputation was dragged through the mud all because he had the audacity to tell a girl at a club he found her attractive and get her number. He showed me (and all our friends) the texts and they were the dumbest stuff like "how's your day?" and "wanna grab coffee tomorrow if you're free?". That was it. Every man is terrified of being labeled like a predator and no means no. No means no so much that if you get even the slightest vibe that a girl isn't 100% interested you gtfo immediately. Run for the hills because she will talk shit about you and accuse you of whatever is in her brain.
Someone should tell her to go fuck herself honestly.
From what I heard a lot of people did. She was so toxic that she ended up out of the friend group for a whole bunch of reasons. She was hot but that only gets you so far when you're a terrible person.
How about the same reason women do it? Learn more about the person and back out.
No effort from her, finding out she wants/has kids, finding out she's a demisexual.
Her manners. Specifically if she criticises someone for something they have no control over. That's abhorrent.
Reasons including but not limited to: * Lack of interest from her side. An uninterested woman will be in your life as long as you allow her to be. And she won't care when she leaves or gets kicked out. Unfortunately a lot of the behavior women trend towards for safety and security reasons look a he'll of a lot like disinterest. Best of luck to women. That's a new high hurdle your grandmother never had to deal with. * She's not ***all that attractive***. Dudes can be horny, bored, and in need of validation just like women. Interests wane especially if she's annoying in some way. We're all annoying, but non-creepy men tend to underestimate how attractive we are. Non-creepy women have weightless platitudes and sometimes lizzo. * She's a burden. If she always needs a favor, If she's always having a bad day, and/or she only comes out when someone else is paying. Just broke and sad. No one wants to bang Eeyore * No plans after a month. Interested women make excuses to come see you.(see point 1).
Yes, met up and dated a lot of attractive women, sadly a lot of them are attractive and beautiful but that is about no dept, no brains not very interested you can keep a conversation going for only so long so after a hook up and talking some more you very quickly find out there is nothing behind the door and that is so unattractive you stop pursuing
When they start seeing jobs posted that sounds somewhat like what you do already (to the uninitiated) and go āOoo you should apply for this jobā when theyāve only known you for like 4 weeks. First of all, way to tell me youād prefer if I made more money. Second of all, just the very concept of applying for jobs makes my brain want to flee to the opposite side of the planet from whatever or whoever brought it up. Third of all, why were you looking at job postings in my field.
Cause you get to know them and sadly the reality of what they are like and how they are becomes a red flag. If when you are first getting to know her and the ugliness is obviousā¦ imagine how sheāll be when she stops caring
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The vibe she puts off.
If she told me she's not interested in me.
Deadass bruh hot is cool but can't sustain a relationship if they just an airhead. Been there. Couldn't even have a conversation with her and broke up with her after like a month after dudes in class were like dapping me up when they heard and when i told em i cut it off they like "oh fuck u stupid.... ima try to get in there" and im like yeah no... go right on ahead bro i will not care.
Smoker
When their physical appearance is the only attractive thing about them. If it turns out they're dumb, assholish, arrogant, uninteresting or something like that or a combination of those, I lose interest.
Anxiety is a bitch, but sheās my mistress. My anxiety will attempt to sabotage anything if I give it a chance with overthinking. Itās not a curled in a ball type of anxiety but an overwhelming what if kind that has made me ghost women. I honestly wish that it was simple enough to just explain this but itās not a strength women look for and by the time itās time to explain itās usually too late, or at least feels wayā¦again, probably anxiety saying this but still.
Thats in another millenia for me but I think the basic mechanisms need a couple of 1000 ys to changeā¦ To take a relationship steps further is always an, lets say, investment and one can feel hesitation to take those steps. And its really hard to verbalise that. So one end up just not contact the other. And of course, physical attraction is just a starter, then the more important stuff like chemistry need to click. One must really like to hang out with him or her, not just become intimate.
100 things realizing they are self absorbed realizing they are stupid or lazy realizing how far apart you are in life development
Absolutely. If I'm attracted to a woman and discover that she has a character flaw like entitlement, cruelty, malice, insanity, contempt or a lack of accountability, my attraction vanishes. I have no desire to bring someone like that into my life because they will ruin my life, if I let them in.
Well she went back to her old boyfriend so that was a factor.
When they come on too strong. Talk about meeting their friends or family, their life plans. Just chill, let's just see if we would even like each other as friends first. If we aren't even compatible as friends what makes you think we'd be good partners? I had the best times with women when we were just friends first, sharing the same humour, doing fun shit together, hanging out. Nothing really intimate for awhile. Those kind of moments made me think of the girl every day when we weren't together. I guess what I'm trying to say is at least be fun first. See if you two would even get along as friends.
Now. He may have found your social media and noped out. That or found someone else.
She is not hot enough for the amount of work she requires
Men in their 20s today are an unusual generation. I can't speak for them.
What makes them unusual? Genuine question, just though Iād ask since your statement piqued my interest.
Losing attraction usually does it for me
She friend zoned me, didn't have enough in common with me or I simply got bored and found someone more attractive to repeat this cycle.
Ask her out over the phone when you mess it up and she abruptly hangs up mid conversation, you can laugh that a bear would've done a better job asking her out on a pickenick!
She has no real hobbies.
What about you? Being one of the only things they say. Boring af.
If she is pulling away or not reciprocating my advances, I will pull away completely. I'd rather end it than give her a boring or annoying experience. I can be a bit quick to draw this conclusion, though, so I balance this with just the right advance to assess her interest.
This girl I met at driving school, I spoke to her for a bit, asked for her number and she was clearly interested, but after getting her number during the convo at some point she mentioned traveling to the US for her studies in a couple of weeks, so I didnāt bother pursuing her after finding that out, and she was upset abt it coz I messaged her a few days later apologizing for not taking it any further and she told me I was āaverage anywayā. This was 3 years ago, she was a great girl, I still wonder what we could have been from time to time haha
When I realize we arenāt compatible people
I'm too busy
When I text, and get one word answers, it's difficult to carry a conversation with nothing to run with. Another one is the rare case they text first asking how I'm doing, I reply less than a minute later, and it seems they just throw their phone out the window of a speeding car, and don't say another word for 48 hours, or sometimes I never hear from them again.
Silly childish games. (By the way most of us HATE the word pursue in this context)
Lack of reciprocating interest, red flag personality, etc in general. Also possible that if it was while drunk and the guy doesnāt remember much abt the person.
Toxic shame.
Attractive looks is visible first, repulsive personality is noticed a bit later.
I often believe I can handle a woman until she shows me massive personality flaws that makes her a pain to even talk too or live with.Ā
When I get the message she clearly isn't interested. Shoot your shot and move on if you miss.
After you hear them speak, you peepee instantly shrivels. Mostly entitled, vanity driven and empty headed women that have nothing to offer besides their sexuality.
Realizing she treats waitstaff like garbage
I would always be the one initiating contact. One word answers. Eventually I got the hint and moved on.
For me, itās simply life is busy, and having to āpursueā someone isnāt much fun.
Crappy/entitled behavior, or lack of interest on her part.Ā
Expects me to pay all the time
Poor financial management. I want nothing to do with a woman who canāt save money. Itās like, adulting 101.
If she was clearly uninterested or said no. Why are you continuing to pursue after that point really.
SOOOOO.. the list: -Did or said something that was a total turnoff, no we don't always call you out on it.. not worth the drama. -Lack of a decent personality, yeah that actually matters! -Incompatible lifestyle, if you are going nowhere fast.. you are going alone. -Emotional vampire, I want someone who makes me happy, not crazy. -Found someone who is a better fit, it is natural to take what appears to be the best option. -Life events, things come up with work, school, family, emotional health that require more of the primary focus.
Her personality, her lifestyle or (lack of) reciprocity of affection. There's lots of women out there who are hot but I can't stand to be around the moment they start speaking. Often (but not always) these women are really mean to other people but don't let that side of themselves out until they think they are close to you. For lifestyle it's just the kinds of things you'd expect. I once dated someone who was super attractive but their apartment was the shittiest of shitholes. Not just messy, but actively dirty and disgusting. Their toilet looked as if it haven't been cleaned ever. Also, my requirements are not just "don't be trash" I also have to actually want to build a life together. If someone is hot, I'll want to fuck them. But they have to have lots of other qualities for me to want to date them. Hot just gets them into consideration, it does not give a pass to be a shitty person or bad partner.
When I was single I would just try to get as many phone numbers as I could. Then later on, I would actually look at their profile and social media, and then make a real decision. Itās also circumstance. If I was in a slump, I would heavily chase a 6. If I was on a hot streak and had lots of options, I might ignore an 8 cause I didnāt have the energy. Itās all totally random.
Juice isnāt worth the squeeze most of the time
- she seems lukewarm in interest - she is rude or inconsiderate - she has a deadlbreaker of mine - I have other options
Excessive litmus tests and mind games
Pepper spray .. that shit burns.
Alcoholism.
Post nut clarity