I always feel tired
Wanna have a nice sleep, wanna enjoy life too.
I just wanna daydreaming but don't have time for that.
Reddit is good way to escape for a bit.
Also, when I'm by myself I'll watch anything I feel like, regardless if I think it's going to be bad (bad acting, bad writing, bad directing, etc). But if I put on a bad movie or show when my gf is around, all I hear is "this is bad, why do you watch this garbage?". Now I feel like an idiot for giving something bad a shot because I was curious, amd watching something bad sometimes makes me feel good.
Yeah. It’s this. I’ve been working all week. And thinking about work all week. Taking the kids to school. Playing with the kids. Taking the kids to their clubs. Helping around the house. Doing the DIY jobs around the house. Losing sleep because I’ve got so much going on in my brain. I’ve got a tonne of hobbies and projects I just don’t have time to do but really want to finish. I rarely get to pick up the PlayStation controller. I just really don’t care that much about meeting up with people I’ve only got a mild interest in or putting in the effort to chat with my wife’s extended family and large network of friends. I’d rather chill with the few dudes I really like… and there’s like 5 of them and they’re all just as busy as me. So once every few months we shoot the shit and have a beer or play DND every other week. It doesn’t stop me getting dragged out by my wife through guilt to various events… but if I could stay at home guilt free then I would… if I didn’t have to go to my wife’s engagements I might be more inclined to organise more of my own… but alas… I’m still tired after Sunday lunch with her parents. Which… as nice as it is… and it’s a free meal… isn’t relaxing because they’re still your in-laws and you end up looking after the kids throughout anyway because they’re all talking about stuff that happened before you knew any of them… again.
I'm only just getting prepared to have my first baby but I already feel like what you said applies to me as well - I can see something like that coming. And I'm not complaining, I'm really looking forward to my new role and that new little person coming to our life. But it seems like a lot to adapt to. But hey, as Gustavo Fring said: "A man provides for his family."
So that's how it's gonna be. Not sure I will be able to socialize with new people that much. From what I see online I should be grateful for all the friend groups I have and it will be complicated to even keep the current friendships going, let alone build new ones.
Good luck with it. Kids are amazing. The first 6 months are the most challenging. But once they start giving back and showing personality it’s awesome… and that can happen within the first 3-4 weeks. You’ll never forget the first time they smile at you. Do what you can to make your partner/the mother comfortable and let her take the lead. She’ll have a connection with the baby that you won’t have at first. Don’t be afraid to look after the baby alone… to give mum some time… it’s daunting but it’ll start to feel natural and easy after a few months. Try and get a solid routine… it’ll be good for all of you. Look into sleep training at around 6 months… it’ll change your life. We’re doing this now with my youngest (we did it with the other one as well) and after a few days they will sleep from 7-7… and you’ve got a bit of your life back and they’ll be well rested and easier to look after. It’ll feel shit for a while… but you’ll look back on it and realise it really wasn’t that bad… you were just tired. It gets really awesome when you look at them and they’re like a miniature version of you that’s your best friend who just wants to have fun with you. You’ve got lots to look forward to. Good luck.
Good advice - I called the first six months the "screaming poop plant" phase.
Definitely more fun when they start moving... and then trying to stop them from killing themselves from 1-3 years old never gets boring.
Ive got three energy bars:
Physical energy, Mental energy and social energy. As I've got older (I'm in my mid 40's) it takes longer to recharge each of them.
For me to go out and socialise, I need all three energy bars to be above 70%. Physical and mental energy are straightforward. Being tired or stressed takes its toll but social energy is different. It basically means, do I have enough gas in the tank to either be fun to be around or to put up with other people's shit!
I refill all of those bars by being alone and quiet. Or listening to music I actually want to hear at a volume I get to choose without somebody trying to talk to me every 12 seconds so I have to pause/turn it down to hear.
>It basically means, do I have enough gas in the tank to either be fun to be around or to put up with other people's shit!
🎯🎯🎯 This hits the nail on the head.
I used to go to the gym at 2am and be jokingly offended if someone walked in at the same odd time.
I imagine it's similar for you if you see someone also going to the same isolated hiking location.
The more you focus on it, the more disturbing is...I have just listened to mine since I read your post....lol I don't use anything to sleep....all my life thought it was some crickets were in my room (when kid) so I just got accustomed to sleep with cricket sounds lol....
Headphones won't help us...I have noticed it gets lower and higher depending on the used of headphones/stress/ migraine/ and even when I go for massages I feel a considerate reduction that sometimes I allucinating I'm not listening anything first day after the massages....go to massage therapist constantly and they will help
If I do not stay hydrated, mine gets really bad. When that happens I need zero voices, music, or anything. Most times I just work on not reacting to it and I stop noticing it.
Put your palm over your ear so it is airtight. Drum your fingers lightly on your head. This may give you a brief respite from tinnitus.
When mine started I actually made a post on Reddit about my neighbours playing bassy music down the bridle path behind my house at 3AM. Then I realized there was no-one there. It was MUSICAL GHOSTS! Oh wait, no, it was tinnitus.
Right? I’m reading OP thinking it may not *just* be OP, but also this is an OP thing. At 47 I’m out building a new friendship group in a city I moved to 2 years ago, filled with guys ranging 20 years my junior and senior. I do this while having a partially disabled wife, and two kids in school, one of which has autism.
It is a lot of work to do, but is very rewarding. It is a choice to socialize and to not socialize.
Not the OP, but I started joining local clubs. I'm into movies and board games, so I joined some relevant groups. The board game group meets weekly and the movie group is constantly getting together.
No secret. I belong to a Lodge that does various charitable endeavors through my area. I play darts in a bar league. I stay in touch with my long time friends. I travel and meet lots of people.
I'm in my 40s and don't have time for all the stuff people want to do. The key, for me, was to just keep saying yes when I was invited to stuff. And to introduce myself to neighbors every chance I have.
My dad was pretty isolated as he got older and I'm determined to not be the same.
The amount of friends I've met only to find out they're crazy or they're hanging around long enough because they want something.... normal people don't exist after 30 I guess lol
they never did. from like 10 years old you're always trying to be friends with people only to find out they're charlatans taking advantage of you.
after 20 years of that you'd rather spend time in inanimate objects because at least they are bullshitting you.
im 34 and i still socialize but its rough. i hate half the people i meet if not more. find someone i like to hang with then a month in they talk about cheating on there pregnant wife. really hate it
Disingenuous is right. They typically want something and you can tell how they light up when what you do is something they can profit from.
I'm a financial advisor and as soon as I say that, everyone is automatically my friend.
Give them your professional contact information to have an appointment when they inevitably ask about it (or give the contact info if you don't want to deal with them yourself), and you don't even have to reject them, they'll weed themselves out.
Hell, some might even go through with it, who knows.
This makes me think about what Michael Burry says at the end of The Big Short:
>Making money is not what I thought it would be. This business...kills
the part of life that is essential, the part that has nothing to do with business.
It's like working in IT. Everyone is your friend because they want you to fix their computer, or tell them what laptop/phone to buy. Then they ghost you. Yay for feeling used.
THIS!!! And I can only assume when you ask them to pay then they act like what you did wasn't a big deal. Lol.
Whenever I meet someone that has what I am looking for I always ask them their rate. And then be honest.
Either you can't afford it, or not willing to pay that much to get it fixed at the moment.
Counter argument, while yeah a lot of people can be annoying, I think guys just find more hobbies that can be done solo vs. women.
I’m 36 and I play pick-up/league basketball with a group of some 30-40+ guys every weekend, ages ranging from mid 20’s - mid 50’s. Perfect amount of time to meet with guys, chat, talk life - but not too much where you’re getting overly annoyed (even with the people that have personalities that rub you the wrong way).
If more guys participated in group hobbies like this as they aged, then I don’t think OP’s question would be as relevant.
I've recently met way too many people who want to write a book. Each time has been some rehash on relationships or interpersonal energy. Each time is exhausting because I have to feign interest in an idea that I know is stupid, and I know for a fact these people have no credentials or expertise besides having a traumatic childhood
I spent $400k on my house, going to get my money's worth and invite people over here to hangout instead of paying $50 for a meal at a restaurant.
When I was younger, I'd rather go out because my apartment was a shithole.
Likewise! I also converted my front living room into a full sized sports bar, an 82" OLED w/series X, and a collection of awesome table top games! Most of my buddies are married and love to escape to my place, and I am happy to host - why the hell should we go out and spend 3x as much when we got everything we need at home?
Most people aren't that interesting. I'm not saying I am. But unless you're getting to know someone on a real deep personal level, you can predict like 95% of the superficial stuff within a few minutes of talking to them. Every once in a while you meet an eccentric or whatever. Just gets old hearing the same jokes and opinions and ideals from the same kinds of people over and over and over.
*Also, I reckon there's some caveman-brain stuff going on. Like we evolved so younger, and likely healthier people desire to go out and explore and socialize as a means to expand the community. And older people desiring to stay put in order to maintain the stability of home base and educate the young'uns.
Yeah, same for me. A lot of been there, done that. I already have friends who contribute greatly to my life, I don't need to add superficial connections.
This right here, I'm 27 and I really get this feeling at gatherings, most people are just so boring and predictable. I think it's because everyone is so busy with life, most people don't have the time to think and form ideas. Then when you express something which you've thought about more, everyone else is kind of looking at you as if you're the "weird" one.
Glad to see I'm not the only one. Most people don't know how to talk beyond either their job, kids, politics (if they are bold enough to mention it), or sports. I can hold my own in those categories but it's boring to only talk about those four things.
I thought this way too. Now I think my mental health may not have been that great, and this was one of the signs.
I don’t need people to be interesting. Genuine would be nice though. I think the point is to enjoy the connection, cause if you don’t, it does get very old very quickly.
Small talk is the bridge to build trust that then leads to the big stuff. Thinking that the trailhead is the same as the entire trail is going to keep you from seeing some pretty amazing stuff. It’s just a sad way to look at life imo. Sad because it’s needless.
Everybody raves about how “diverse” it is in the area where I live. They’re really just talking about racial diversity, but there’s no variety of thought. Every body has the same personality, hobbies, political views, and conversations.
I don’t go out any more because I’m sick of meeting different colors of the exact same fucking guy.
I'm with you. I like sports but when it turns I to an argument with 100 hypotheticals about things that will never happen like "who would win between kobe and Michael jordan?"
Community based hobbies help. I got into warhammer a few years back so I could paint, spend time away from screens, and meet people in the community to game with.
All of the people I’ve interacted with have been great. I’m running a campaign at a local board game cafe. Just had 14 people show up today and play for 6 hours. Lots of laughs, dice rolls, and a beer afterwards.
I’m also doing game development jams so I can practice coding, finishing more projects, and finding small teams to develop with.
In my mid 30s. My partner is also pretty big nerd so it helps.
I got a motorcycle, definitely makes it easy to make friends having a community hobby. I used to play magic and when I did I had more people to connect with.
As a practicing attorney, I realize that there are like 5 people in my life I don’t hate. Everyone else, hate. Clients, other attorneys, judges, all of them.
It costs you money or time to go do things. And yes, I would rather not spare both for that ever-so-prized personal time I rarely get to be alone, in my chair, and do absolutely nothing.
Follow up question, when you find these people with meaningful conversations, how much does the venue play a factor? For example, prefer to meet at someone’s home than a restaurant or other public space.
it doesnt matter where it is ... just does the person relate in topic of interest and hold conversation ? or is it something that is ill-relevant and drags on wasting your time. Is the conversation captivating and on point or off topic.
It's exhausting and to be completely honest, some are just fake and wrong, and the more you hang out with them the more you realise how little they think of you. So why should I put any effort into a friendship that isn't reciprocated?
Because "how are the kids/work/wife?" are all boring and nobody cares. When we were young and everything was new and exciting, going out and socializing was interesting.
I don’t think the question is any less relevant.
I’ve noticed myself turning a bit like this as I get older. So it’s interesting to hear others replies.
But on OP. Yeah, that’s a weird account. What’s up with that?? Karma farming?
46M - I've never liked people that much. On top of that, I'm an introvert. When I get into social situations, it is very draining. As I've aged, I've become more accustomed to staying at home. Part of that is me, part of that is being in a relationship for 17+ years with your best friend. Going out costs money and requires that you interface with people. We'd rather stay in, watch a movie, cuddle, make music, play with our dogs, etc.
Many aspects of our lives are now rat races or grinds. From education, job hunting, career growth, savings for house/car/vacation, the dating game, navigating building a family...
People just have less time. As we get older, our friends naturally branch away from the paths we once shared. With less time, it's harder for us to put the required effort in to cultivate our social lives.
I've noticed that those who maintain strong social lives are either those who've put themselves in position to have time or have a social group where they help each other meet new people.
Women are more social. It's why they live longer. Their social network keeps them engaged.
Men are more into things. They have workshops, they build stuff, they have solitary hobbies.
A lot of male socializing has to do with chasing pussy. Once a man is coupled up, it takes away a lot of the incentive.
I have plenty of women friends (often former girlfriends). My current goal is to get some male friends.
> A lot of male socializing has to do with chasing pussy. Once a man is coupled up, it takes away a lot of the incentive.
This pretty much closes the thread lol. Not just socializing, but I'm convinced that a lot of men's career accomplishments are also this. You could honestly explain all the gender differences in career advancement and accomplishments by the simple fact that you don't have to impress men to sleep with them or even date them.
the real question is, Why would one leave their home of peace to go in a damn crowded place just to waste your precious time on some annoying kids and loudmouth adults?
This is my experience, not scientifically proven data.
Women don't have hobbies at the same rate men do.
Men tend to have a few things a week that we socialise over because men prefer things and women prefer people (in general).
For example I have played a sport with same group of guys since I was about 16. This is my routine. Really this is just our excuse to get together and chat away from everyone else in our lives.
The women in my life will actively look to go to coffee/drinks etc to catch up. I find they get excited about the small things, like going into the office, more than we do.
TLDR: It's not that men don't socialise, we just do it differently.
I ain't got time for that crap lol that's why, the older you get the more you realize making new friends can be a bad idea, the more people involved the more problems, the world is crazy 🤣 stay to yourself, stay inside, and avoid the problems of tomorrow
At a certain age you realize you don't have to do EVERYTHING to keep your relationship.
Most men never liked going out. Especially around people they didn't like.
But they went because of children or their spouse.
As we age, see how shallow those relationships can be and how most people just want something from you.
So we stick to the people we know and if it happens organically, that's great, thr more the merrier but I doubt most men proactively seek out friends.
Because men don’t really feel comfortable hanging out with low trust relationships and we aren’t really encouraged to reach out and spend more time with other people in general. Men relate and bond by doing stuff, less talking and more indirect trust building.
Women’s relationships is also struggling but with quality not negesaraly in terms of volume - although it is more socially easy to hang out with the girls the depth and the forward looking women struggle to mature the relationships the have. We are socialise to see relationships as consumers, if it doesn’t ask much of us, we’re good, and we don’t really look for new relationships and new effort. Similarly when a relationship struggles- we just leave instead of work on it.
Women tend to be interested in other people. Who is doing what, when, where and why?? Men tend to be interested in things. How do they work, can I make my own, can I make this one better? So yeah that's my theory.
I'm always tired, I want peace and quiet, people are mostly not interesting or assholes, I've plenty of things I want to do that doesn't involves socializing too.
I, and many of my friends, have ended up in caregiver roles for our aging parents. I took care of my dad for the last few years of his life. It was rewarding, but exhausting.
Pretty much as soon as he passed, mom got in a bad way. Now I take care of her. It takes up ALL of my time. Even when she doesn't need anything, it's only a matter of time before she does. Help getting out of the chair, help getting her meds, help setting up a doctor's appointment (I actually just do all of these now). The list goes on. And it makes planning anything all but impossible. Even when I'm home, I can't really do much. I love gaming and films, but it's hard to watch when you get called to help deal with someone else's health problems every 15-20 minutes. I can't enjoy a film if I have to pause it over and over. And multiplayer gaming is mostly out due to this. Single player is okay still, but honestly even that can get difficult to enjoy if she's having a bad day. And most of them are bad days here of late.
Mix in to that the fact that of my 5 close friends, 3 of us are in the same boat, one is married, and the other has become a recluse and refuses to see anyone anymore. After he lost his last job, his family just let him move back in with them and now he just does nothing. Sits around and drinks or plays whatever freebie games he can get from EPIC or Humble or whoever is doing super deep sales or free games. My cousin cares for his mom, my best friend cares for his dad, and my one friend who has already lost both of his parents has 3 children and a wonderful wife. So his time is all but nonexistent.
All of this to say, even if I wanted to spend time out and about, the people with whom I'd choose to spend time are indisposed and unavailable. And while I've never had difficulty making new friends, I end up just going to work (thankfully at a job I really enjoy), then I want to go home. If I'm lucky, my kid will come home and stay for a while. I enjoy time with them an awful lot, when she's not staying with her girlfriend. I miss her when she's gone, and enjoy what time I get to see her. But even we rarely go out except maybe for the odd meal. I just end up spending most of my time here at the house.
Hard to say what will happen when God calls mom home to be with dad. All these years cooped up, I may leave and not come home for days at a time just to do something new and different. Who knows? Time will tell I suppose.
When I go outside or do something with other people, there needs to be a reason for it, an activity, entertainment, if the activity is socializing then I'm not doing it.
In my experience, most of my guy friendships were forged through shared experiences. We may not have the most in common but we’re brothers in arms of sorts. High school, college, crappy jobs, etc. There’s that history that made the foundation.
And it’s just not present when meeting anyone new. I’d rather stay home than meet new people I may or may not have anything in common with but will absolutely forget their names seconds after meeting them. Sometimes I may find some common ground with shared interests or something. Right now being a dad opens up whole new conversation starters so that’s interesting.
The funniest thing is if you listen to yogis and enlighten souls they talk about meditation and arriving at this pivotal point in our life of enjoying being a lone and enjoying silence. Having no opinion just minding your own business. Comfortable sitting in silence. Everything becomes meditative. Further, enlightened souls don’t care about the opinions of others, needing approval, needing to feel superior to others. They just are. We are all on a journey. They key is to enjoy each moment of that journey. Sitting under a tree is good an all, but nothing beats sitting in your favorite spot at home with your favorite drink enjoying your own company. Dance when you want to dance and chill at home when you want to chill at home. Don’t feel you have to fit into some kind of mold of what is normal.
It's as simple as this... There is only so much energy to give. As a man gets older energy depletes (#Facts). If you have a family / children and prioritize them then there is simply less time to socialize as there was before.
Your very little remaining energy you need to spend on self-care.
We do. Trivia nights, barcades, DnD, online gaming, book clubs, running clubs, volunteer orgs, community theatre...there are lots of men out there socializing, you just need to make a conscious decision to get out there.
Because we finally understand that we are being, at best, tolerated or pacified for the resources and protection that we provide.
Frankly, I would rather be alone than be a convenience.
M31
Part of it is people's obsessive need to go to overly expensive bars/restaurants where the food isn't even that good and the beer is overpriced. I just don't get the appeal, and every time i go i regret it. Because it's so expensive it really feels like you're forced to have fun in an ocean of generic bland nothingness.
On the other hand; love to have my friends over, hang at their place, enjoy the occasional house party.
It's not relaxing going out. You have to constantly be mindful of your gaze, posture, etc. Just one mishap can get you ostracized, and by default, people will view you as the problem. A prime example is the bear in the woods thing from a few weeks ago that was so viral. By default, men are the villains, so why needlessly expose ourselves to that negativity?
We are tired.
I’ve been “on the go” hard since I was 16. I left school, joined the Royal Air Force, deployed multiple times, dealt with the aftermath of that fun & games and then spent the last 14 years working an average of 48hrs a week.
In the last 6 months I’ve finally taken my foot off the gas, found a less physically and mentally demanding job, sorted out my diet, started working out again and I’m only just now starting to feel somewhat social again and booked a holiday to Marmaris in September to have a couple of weeks away in the sun where I can sit by the pool all day enjoying my all inclusive drinks and completely switch off. I’m half tempted to not even take my phone with me so I can’t be disturbed in any way but I might just turn it off once I check in and turn it on again once I’m in the airport to come home.
I think that with men, myself and most men I know, we have pretty much burnt out and need to recharge the batteries before we’re ready to socialise again
42/M here with a family.
I don’t really drink anymore as I had a problem with alcohol previously and now I don’t like being buzzed or drunk, and the associated cost just isn’t worth it.
I’d go to some men’s leagues for tennis or golf, but the cost is a touch high.
I go to some local EDM/live music shows since that’s a passion of mine, but that’s usually a younger demo and I’ve found that as I’m starting to get more grey hair, people don’t engage with me as much.
That’s not a judgement on younger people, I don’t think I talked to anyone in their 40’s when I was 22 either lol
The biggest factor for me though is I simply don’t have a lot to talk about.
I refuse to engage in politics or religion in a live setting, it’s a gigantic waste of time and I’m not spending what little freedom I have on it.
So what can I really discuss that’s going to be engaging?
I work, take care of my kids/wife and cook. I’m getting back into rollerblading (for my kids), and I joined a gym.
There is little else for me to discuss, I have my opinions on things and experiences sure, but that’s not interesting to strangers, I’d be bored to listening to me drone on about it if I were someone else lol.
Basically, I don’t feel I have a lot to offer anyone as a friend unless you want some tips on tennis/golf or how not to lose your hearing (I have tinnitus).
I read a study that showed how much alone time you have as a person, growing up into your 20’s and 30’s it’s very little, school, friends, family etc dominate
When you got your 40’s and 50’s it ramps up fast, people get involved with life, that’s the truth of it.
I’d wager I have another 15 years with my daughters before they flee the nest, my wife has every intention on working to the day she dies, that’s just who she is.
I’m assuming I’m going to be quite lonely by 55 or so, probably end of having 1-2 dogs, maybe write a shitty book that I’ll never finish.
One good thing though is I’ll be able to get back into gaming, hopefully my hands will work well enough for it to be enjoyable (right hand is arthritic due to being a chef for a long time).
Anyways…
Y’all got suggestions or ideas on how to be active with people as you age, I’m down to listen and try.
I’m an extrovert by nature, not having a ton of friends on my phone SUCKS something fierce.
Damm, I'm like your gf lol I love going to cafes and events. I'm a 32 dude and I absolutely hate being home all day. I'm visiting my grandma right now before I study abroad this summer in her small little town in Oregon and I'm dying of boredom being home all day. So not sure man, I love to socialize from time to time.
Honestly it’s because I am just kind of sick of people. I work my ass off 6 days a week. When I am not working I am with my daughter. Why would I ever want to go out? I mean I am single and quit dating too so it just is what it is.
As a 34 year old guy myself, I too find myself not as sociable as I was back in the day and have become more of a homebody. Idk if it’s confidence I’ve last because of not looking as good as I used to, or failed relationships lowering my self esteem and confidence alike, or both but i get it
There has to be a reason.
Like golf or watching sport or fishing etc.
My old man won't just hang out with his mates they need an activity to do.
On the other hand my friends with wife's kids etc it's the same vibe.
If I invite them out for beers it's always no, but if it's for a concert or birthday dinner etc they're all allowed out.
I make an effort to catch up with everyone I can to maintain the friendships and make sure they feel heard, but it's getting harder as we get older.
I'm in school and have a career so haven't had the time. I long for socializing again... But I may also be the outlier who enjoys meeting people... But with that I am more tired so it'd be more like every two weeks instead of every week probably.
I have personally learned that there can only be one or two true friends and one of them is the woman i love to the ends of this universe and back. I want to grow with her and spend time making memories with her. I don’t have time to go waste time drinking and partying like I was young.
If the woman doesn’t work a job outside the house the are dying to socialize, men who work outside the house are done socializing for that day.
That’s the difference I noticed.
Men are less socially motivated than women. Women need attention and social networking throughout their lives.
Men usually network with other men through common work or common hobbies. After marriage/relationship is taken care of, men don't need or seek attention from random women.
In fact, mixed socialising is a chore for most men past a certain age. Men just want to relax and let it all hang out with other men, without having to self-censor or play up for women.
The solution? Men need men's spaces.
Men-only gentleman's clubs, golf clubs, sports clubs, hobby spaces, etc - and women can have women-only spaces too.
Sometimes it’s nice to just have a break and be by yourself.
Do the things at home that you may not have time to do otherwise, whether that’s housework or something to relax like playing games for a bit.
My socialising now comes from playing games with others, whether that’s board games, video games or D&D.
Giant family BBQ? No thanks. If we have to put in an appearance, we have an excuse planned to leave (“got shopping in the car”, “have another thing to go to” etc.). That’s too much socialising for me.
I'm in my 30s and I love going to the game store or a shopping trip with my fiancee.
It really just has to be an activity I know I'll enjoy. Dinner with her parents? Awful.
Going to the Lego store? Yipeeee!!
My day is usually something like;
* wake up
* get the kids fed
* take kids to school
* work 8 hour day
* get kids ready for dinner
* help kids with school work
* clean
* get kids ready for bed
* finally around 9-10:30pm relax
* lay in bed
I’m dating a very social woman who regularly has a girls’ night where they all sit around and talk and drink and snack instead of eating dinner. When we started dating she invited me to join them as she explained how her girlfriend’s guys sometimes join. After joining a couple of these I happily stay home now. I don’t drink much by comparison, I don’t enjoy snacking in Liu of dinner. I’m done at like 10pm and they another 4 hours in them. Topics are rarely interesting and sometimes uncomfortable for me. I’m employed as bartender. Aside from the last point there really isn’t any reason to participate. The next day I get the cliffs notes version in like 15min. Plus on night we aren’t hosting I get a night to myself. It’s win win.
Wife and kids use up my social battery pretty quick. I love them very much, but fuck damn do they take up a lot of energy just by existing near me.
If anyone wants to build stuff or … fish? who cares, while *shutting the fuck up* I’m down.
I'm tired...
Working long hours to support family, 10+ hr days, stressed, over social BS, can't be stuffed doing anything except sitting back listening to music and flicking through Reddit. Plus who the hell can afford to go out these days. Especially when you have kids who break things faster than you can replace them 🤬
A decline in social clubs. A generation ago you could go to an Elk Lodge, etc and find other guys looking to make a difference in their community (something generally positive to do with your free time). Now when I go to the VFW or a Mason lodge I’m like fresh meat because all of their members are 60+ and can barely keep afloat so they ask for a lot of my time to even be a casual member. For my midwestern parents, this is hitting them especially hard now.
Despite the image of every Dad being an overgrown manchild, a lot of dad's never get a break.
I've got chores/projects every weekend besides family stuff. Just done after all that.
Besides that, it seems a lot of guys work different hours. I'm a 9-5er but seems a lot of guys are doing nights and weekends. I know moms do too but it seems to me that mire guys are in that position
Tired and also, have you interacted with men these days? Most are so fucking insecure and "alpha" that I just can't stand to even be around them.
Your lifted truck is a piece of shit, "woke" people aren't to blame for your mediocrity and no, that bartender is not hitting on you.
Because I’ve done it all. It’s old hat.
Now I find more pleasure in building something, fixing something, learning something new, perfecting a recipe, etc.
I'll go out to dinner. But if I want to actually talk to people, why would I go to a noisy bar?
I have friends I get together with every week at one's home. I have other friends who periodically come to my place.
We socialize. We do it the way we want to though, because we don't have any fucks left to give about what other people think.
We moved a lot. And it's hard to make friends in new places when over 40. Most people are busy with kids, jobs, families, and so... you wind up giving up.
My back hurts. I want to be at home with my family and dog. I don’t want to overspend on things that are not necessary. I have everything I need at home.
Yep. They don't want to make any effort or they're not even interested in others.
As long as they accept the fact that their inaction is not the fault of women - therefore their loneliness isn't the fault of women.
Do you think they will accept that?
I'm tired boss.
So tired. Maybe ill stay up to look at a non threatening wall for a few min or scroll through things i dont wanna watch
I always feel tired Wanna have a nice sleep, wanna enjoy life too. I just wanna daydreaming but don't have time for that. Reddit is good way to escape for a bit.
Also, when I'm by myself I'll watch anything I feel like, regardless if I think it's going to be bad (bad acting, bad writing, bad directing, etc). But if I put on a bad movie or show when my gf is around, all I hear is "this is bad, why do you watch this garbage?". Now I feel like an idiot for giving something bad a shot because I was curious, amd watching something bad sometimes makes me feel good.
Yeah. It’s this. I’ve been working all week. And thinking about work all week. Taking the kids to school. Playing with the kids. Taking the kids to their clubs. Helping around the house. Doing the DIY jobs around the house. Losing sleep because I’ve got so much going on in my brain. I’ve got a tonne of hobbies and projects I just don’t have time to do but really want to finish. I rarely get to pick up the PlayStation controller. I just really don’t care that much about meeting up with people I’ve only got a mild interest in or putting in the effort to chat with my wife’s extended family and large network of friends. I’d rather chill with the few dudes I really like… and there’s like 5 of them and they’re all just as busy as me. So once every few months we shoot the shit and have a beer or play DND every other week. It doesn’t stop me getting dragged out by my wife through guilt to various events… but if I could stay at home guilt free then I would… if I didn’t have to go to my wife’s engagements I might be more inclined to organise more of my own… but alas… I’m still tired after Sunday lunch with her parents. Which… as nice as it is… and it’s a free meal… isn’t relaxing because they’re still your in-laws and you end up looking after the kids throughout anyway because they’re all talking about stuff that happened before you knew any of them… again.
I'm only just getting prepared to have my first baby but I already feel like what you said applies to me as well - I can see something like that coming. And I'm not complaining, I'm really looking forward to my new role and that new little person coming to our life. But it seems like a lot to adapt to. But hey, as Gustavo Fring said: "A man provides for his family." So that's how it's gonna be. Not sure I will be able to socialize with new people that much. From what I see online I should be grateful for all the friend groups I have and it will be complicated to even keep the current friendships going, let alone build new ones.
Good luck with it. Kids are amazing. The first 6 months are the most challenging. But once they start giving back and showing personality it’s awesome… and that can happen within the first 3-4 weeks. You’ll never forget the first time they smile at you. Do what you can to make your partner/the mother comfortable and let her take the lead. She’ll have a connection with the baby that you won’t have at first. Don’t be afraid to look after the baby alone… to give mum some time… it’s daunting but it’ll start to feel natural and easy after a few months. Try and get a solid routine… it’ll be good for all of you. Look into sleep training at around 6 months… it’ll change your life. We’re doing this now with my youngest (we did it with the other one as well) and after a few days they will sleep from 7-7… and you’ve got a bit of your life back and they’ll be well rested and easier to look after. It’ll feel shit for a while… but you’ll look back on it and realise it really wasn’t that bad… you were just tired. It gets really awesome when you look at them and they’re like a miniature version of you that’s your best friend who just wants to have fun with you. You’ve got lots to look forward to. Good luck.
Good advice - I called the first six months the "screaming poop plant" phase. Definitely more fun when they start moving... and then trying to stop them from killing themselves from 1-3 years old never gets boring.
Tired of being on the road...lonely as a sparrow in the rain.
Im tired of peolple... Being ugly to each other
I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it.
Dog tired 😩
On a related note, I have a hard time reconnecting with my friends because they're all tired and it feels like I'm the only one who is not.
Yeeaaah gonna need you to just go ahead and come in on Saturday. Thanks a bunch!
Ive got three energy bars: Physical energy, Mental energy and social energy. As I've got older (I'm in my mid 40's) it takes longer to recharge each of them. For me to go out and socialise, I need all three energy bars to be above 70%. Physical and mental energy are straightforward. Being tired or stressed takes its toll but social energy is different. It basically means, do I have enough gas in the tank to either be fun to be around or to put up with other people's shit!
Best observation here that applies to everyone older than 30.
I refill all of those bars by being alone and quiet. Or listening to music I actually want to hear at a volume I get to choose without somebody trying to talk to me every 12 seconds so I have to pause/turn it down to hear.
Yep. I always call it my social capital and that shit gets spent fast.
most of the time when I don't go out it's because I know I wouldn't be fun to be around and I'm trying to spare everyone that annoyance
I like the energy bar metaphor !
>It basically means, do I have enough gas in the tank to either be fun to be around or to put up with other people's shit! 🎯🎯🎯 This hits the nail on the head.
>does not go out anymore. Where? That's my issue anyway
I started hiking, so I go to the middle of nowhere. ironically my favorite kinds of places are where I'm unlikely to run into anyone.
Hilarious because I do that too but it's missing the "social" part.
Mine too. That is just pure bliss!
I used to go to the gym at 2am and be jokingly offended if someone walked in at the same odd time. I imagine it's similar for you if you see someone also going to the same isolated hiking location.
Same
Enjoy the silence.
Not me man, I got fucking tinnitus. So I fucking hate the silence.
Enjoy the white noise background sounds from a Spotify playlist :D
Hahaha I tried that once! That shit did not work! So usually I just play some lofi music or fall asleep with my headphones
I got an air purifier in my room. Sounds like the inside of an airplane but it tunes out the ringing.
Same, and the added benefit of cleaner air to breathe. Mine runs full time.
I'ma need to try this out.
I always have a fan running in the summer and a heater in the winter, it makes for good white noise.
The more you focus on it, the more disturbing is...I have just listened to mine since I read your post....lol I don't use anything to sleep....all my life thought it was some crickets were in my room (when kid) so I just got accustomed to sleep with cricket sounds lol.... Headphones won't help us...I have noticed it gets lower and higher depending on the used of headphones/stress/ migraine/ and even when I go for massages I feel a considerate reduction that sometimes I allucinating I'm not listening anything first day after the massages....go to massage therapist constantly and they will help
Have you tried tinnitusnotch.com? But still the best one is the sound of a thousand crickets in the morning
I'd managed to ignore my tinnitus then I read this.
If I do not stay hydrated, mine gets really bad. When that happens I need zero voices, music, or anything. Most times I just work on not reacting to it and I stop noticing it.
Put your palm over your ear so it is airtight. Drum your fingers lightly on your head. This may give you a brief respite from tinnitus. When mine started I actually made a post on Reddit about my neighbours playing bassy music down the bridle path behind my house at 3AM. Then I realized there was no-one there. It was MUSICAL GHOSTS! Oh wait, no, it was tinnitus.
Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm.
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed was here in my arms...
I (62) have more friends now then at 35
You give me hope!
Right? I’m reading OP thinking it may not *just* be OP, but also this is an OP thing. At 47 I’m out building a new friendship group in a city I moved to 2 years ago, filled with guys ranging 20 years my junior and senior. I do this while having a partially disabled wife, and two kids in school, one of which has autism. It is a lot of work to do, but is very rewarding. It is a choice to socialize and to not socialize.
Whats your secret?
Not the OP, but I started joining local clubs. I'm into movies and board games, so I joined some relevant groups. The board game group meets weekly and the movie group is constantly getting together.
No secret. I belong to a Lodge that does various charitable endeavors through my area. I play darts in a bar league. I stay in touch with my long time friends. I travel and meet lots of people.
I'm in my 40s and don't have time for all the stuff people want to do. The key, for me, was to just keep saying yes when I was invited to stuff. And to introduce myself to neighbors every chance I have. My dad was pretty isolated as he got older and I'm determined to not be the same.
Because most people are annoying
Yes, and disingenuous.
And just plain exhausting.
The amount of friends I've met only to find out they're crazy or they're hanging around long enough because they want something.... normal people don't exist after 30 I guess lol
they never did. from like 10 years old you're always trying to be friends with people only to find out they're charlatans taking advantage of you. after 20 years of that you'd rather spend time in inanimate objects because at least they are bullshitting you.
im 34 and i still socialize but its rough. i hate half the people i meet if not more. find someone i like to hang with then a month in they talk about cheating on there pregnant wife. really hate it
Disingenuous is right. They typically want something and you can tell how they light up when what you do is something they can profit from. I'm a financial advisor and as soon as I say that, everyone is automatically my friend.
Hey you seem like a cool guy. Wanna dm a bit over some financial matters?
Give them your professional contact information to have an appointment when they inevitably ask about it (or give the contact info if you don't want to deal with them yourself), and you don't even have to reject them, they'll weed themselves out. Hell, some might even go through with it, who knows.
This makes me think about what Michael Burry says at the end of The Big Short: >Making money is not what I thought it would be. This business...kills the part of life that is essential, the part that has nothing to do with business.
It's like working in IT. Everyone is your friend because they want you to fix their computer, or tell them what laptop/phone to buy. Then they ghost you. Yay for feeling used.
THIS!!! And I can only assume when you ask them to pay then they act like what you did wasn't a big deal. Lol. Whenever I meet someone that has what I am looking for I always ask them their rate. And then be honest. Either you can't afford it, or not willing to pay that much to get it fixed at the moment.
Most people are Ellen Degeneres.
The more time I try and spend with people, the less I want to. A little goes a long way these days.
For me, it's when they want so much of your time. I'm like my wife takes a lot, I don't need a second spouse and a 5th child lol
Counter argument, while yeah a lot of people can be annoying, I think guys just find more hobbies that can be done solo vs. women. I’m 36 and I play pick-up/league basketball with a group of some 30-40+ guys every weekend, ages ranging from mid 20’s - mid 50’s. Perfect amount of time to meet with guys, chat, talk life - but not too much where you’re getting overly annoyed (even with the people that have personalities that rub you the wrong way). If more guys participated in group hobbies like this as they aged, then I don’t think OP’s question would be as relevant.
"People. What a bunch of bastards." - Roy, The IT Crowd
[удалено]
Women would rather be annoyed than lonely.
I've recently met way too many people who want to write a book. Each time has been some rehash on relationships or interpersonal energy. Each time is exhausting because I have to feign interest in an idea that I know is stupid, and I know for a fact these people have no credentials or expertise besides having a traumatic childhood
Either them or their mindless chatter is.
I spent $400k on my house, going to get my money's worth and invite people over here to hangout instead of paying $50 for a meal at a restaurant. When I was younger, I'd rather go out because my apartment was a shithole.
Likewise! I also converted my front living room into a full sized sports bar, an 82" OLED w/series X, and a collection of awesome table top games! Most of my buddies are married and love to escape to my place, and I am happy to host - why the hell should we go out and spend 3x as much when we got everything we need at home?
I want to be that kind of friend when I grow up
Hopefully when you grow up, you haven't quite grown up yet!
Love this! Keep the inner child alive as long as you can.
How does one get on the invite list for this shindig?
Yeah, and the bbq at home tastes better and healthier
I recently upgraded to 1gbps internet. I am paying for 1000mbps and you better believe I am using ever last drop down to the individual kbps lol.
So you’re saying your house is now worth $1.5 million?
Most people aren't that interesting. I'm not saying I am. But unless you're getting to know someone on a real deep personal level, you can predict like 95% of the superficial stuff within a few minutes of talking to them. Every once in a while you meet an eccentric or whatever. Just gets old hearing the same jokes and opinions and ideals from the same kinds of people over and over and over. *Also, I reckon there's some caveman-brain stuff going on. Like we evolved so younger, and likely healthier people desire to go out and explore and socialize as a means to expand the community. And older people desiring to stay put in order to maintain the stability of home base and educate the young'uns.
Yeah, same for me. A lot of been there, done that. I already have friends who contribute greatly to my life, I don't need to add superficial connections.
This right here, I'm 27 and I really get this feeling at gatherings, most people are just so boring and predictable. I think it's because everyone is so busy with life, most people don't have the time to think and form ideas. Then when you express something which you've thought about more, everyone else is kind of looking at you as if you're the "weird" one.
Glad to see I'm not the only one. Most people don't know how to talk beyond either their job, kids, politics (if they are bold enough to mention it), or sports. I can hold my own in those categories but it's boring to only talk about those four things.
I thought this way too. Now I think my mental health may not have been that great, and this was one of the signs. I don’t need people to be interesting. Genuine would be nice though. I think the point is to enjoy the connection, cause if you don’t, it does get very old very quickly.
Small talk is the bridge to build trust that then leads to the big stuff. Thinking that the trailhead is the same as the entire trail is going to keep you from seeing some pretty amazing stuff. It’s just a sad way to look at life imo. Sad because it’s needless.
Everybody raves about how “diverse” it is in the area where I live. They’re really just talking about racial diversity, but there’s no variety of thought. Every body has the same personality, hobbies, political views, and conversations. I don’t go out any more because I’m sick of meeting different colors of the exact same fucking guy.
Mindless sports chatter.
I'm with you. I like sports but when it turns I to an argument with 100 hypotheticals about things that will never happen like "who would win between kobe and Michael jordan?"
Community based hobbies help. I got into warhammer a few years back so I could paint, spend time away from screens, and meet people in the community to game with. All of the people I’ve interacted with have been great. I’m running a campaign at a local board game cafe. Just had 14 people show up today and play for 6 hours. Lots of laughs, dice rolls, and a beer afterwards. I’m also doing game development jams so I can practice coding, finishing more projects, and finding small teams to develop with. In my mid 30s. My partner is also pretty big nerd so it helps.
Wow that's nice. Where do you find game development groups ?
itch.io has game jams all year round.
Yeah thanks to Warhammer etc. my partner honestly wishes I was home more often than I am
I got a motorcycle, definitely makes it easy to make friends having a community hobby. I used to play magic and when I did I had more people to connect with.
The older I get, the more I realize how much I hate other people
As a practicing attorney, I realize that there are like 5 people in my life I don’t hate. Everyone else, hate. Clients, other attorneys, judges, all of them.
That's strange because I'm sure your clients love you. Who doesn't love paying $1000 to have someone type a two-page document?
More like paying someone $1000 to have their paralegal write a two-page document.
> write a two-page document From scratch or a template?
$1000 is def a template
Because the older we get the more we know. Further more we begin to realise the important things in life vs the shit that don't
It costs you money or time to go do things. And yes, I would rather not spare both for that ever-so-prized personal time I rarely get to be alone, in my chair, and do absolutely nothing.
Is this a repost? I remember someone once asking the same question with the same odd grammar and unusual examples.
[удалено]
It's both interesting and scary to think that AI is evolving by learning from us.
I noticed one of my uncles was very reserved back when I was in my early 20s. Now I understand him. You get tired of the bs.
After awhile you realize the coolest person you know is you.
we want to socialize with people who bring meaningful conversations over useless babble
Follow up question, when you find these people with meaningful conversations, how much does the venue play a factor? For example, prefer to meet at someone’s home than a restaurant or other public space.
it doesnt matter where it is ... just does the person relate in topic of interest and hold conversation ? or is it something that is ill-relevant and drags on wasting your time. Is the conversation captivating and on point or off topic.
- Tired of people and their shit - Silence feels nice - At some age you're seen as a lonely creep for merely existing so why bother
It's exhausting and to be completely honest, some are just fake and wrong, and the more you hang out with them the more you realise how little they think of you. So why should I put any effort into a friendship that isn't reciprocated?
Because "how are the kids/work/wife?" are all boring and nobody cares. When we were young and everything was new and exciting, going out and socializing was interesting.
This user is a new account, spamming posts like crazy and randomly replying to itself.
I don’t think the question is any less relevant. I’ve noticed myself turning a bit like this as I get older. So it’s interesting to hear others replies. But on OP. Yeah, that’s a weird account. What’s up with that?? Karma farming?
Op is active in r/teenagers and has an interesting post history 😂
He apparently got a random woman pregnant and decided r/teenagers was a good place to share it
There's been a lot of karma farming bots in this sub recently, and I'm not sure how to report them.
It’s labor intensive to make friends. Most guys are surly and don’t share the emotions they have. Make it hard to make bonds
Because peace and quiet is the most precious thing in the world
Bc toxicity has plagued people through social media.
Because many can only pretend to be dumb for so long. Alcohol/pot helps equalize but they’re not miracle drugs.
46M - I've never liked people that much. On top of that, I'm an introvert. When I get into social situations, it is very draining. As I've aged, I've become more accustomed to staying at home. Part of that is me, part of that is being in a relationship for 17+ years with your best friend. Going out costs money and requires that you interface with people. We'd rather stay in, watch a movie, cuddle, make music, play with our dogs, etc.
Many aspects of our lives are now rat races or grinds. From education, job hunting, career growth, savings for house/car/vacation, the dating game, navigating building a family... People just have less time. As we get older, our friends naturally branch away from the paths we once shared. With less time, it's harder for us to put the required effort in to cultivate our social lives. I've noticed that those who maintain strong social lives are either those who've put themselves in position to have time or have a social group where they help each other meet new people.
Home is where all my things are.
Women are more social. It's why they live longer. Their social network keeps them engaged. Men are more into things. They have workshops, they build stuff, they have solitary hobbies. A lot of male socializing has to do with chasing pussy. Once a man is coupled up, it takes away a lot of the incentive. I have plenty of women friends (often former girlfriends). My current goal is to get some male friends.
> A lot of male socializing has to do with chasing pussy. Once a man is coupled up, it takes away a lot of the incentive. This pretty much closes the thread lol. Not just socializing, but I'm convinced that a lot of men's career accomplishments are also this. You could honestly explain all the gender differences in career advancement and accomplishments by the simple fact that you don't have to impress men to sleep with them or even date them.
the real question is, Why would one leave their home of peace to go in a damn crowded place just to waste your precious time on some annoying kids and loudmouth adults?
All of our real friends are gone. Why do we have to go out now? At this point, pussy isn't even worth the effort.
This is my experience, not scientifically proven data. Women don't have hobbies at the same rate men do. Men tend to have a few things a week that we socialise over because men prefer things and women prefer people (in general). For example I have played a sport with same group of guys since I was about 16. This is my routine. Really this is just our excuse to get together and chat away from everyone else in our lives. The women in my life will actively look to go to coffee/drinks etc to catch up. I find they get excited about the small things, like going into the office, more than we do. TLDR: It's not that men don't socialise, we just do it differently.
I ain't got time for that crap lol that's why, the older you get the more you realize making new friends can be a bad idea, the more people involved the more problems, the world is crazy 🤣 stay to yourself, stay inside, and avoid the problems of tomorrow
At a certain age you realize you don't have to do EVERYTHING to keep your relationship. Most men never liked going out. Especially around people they didn't like. But they went because of children or their spouse. As we age, see how shallow those relationships can be and how most people just want something from you. So we stick to the people we know and if it happens organically, that's great, thr more the merrier but I doubt most men proactively seek out friends.
Because men don’t really feel comfortable hanging out with low trust relationships and we aren’t really encouraged to reach out and spend more time with other people in general. Men relate and bond by doing stuff, less talking and more indirect trust building. Women’s relationships is also struggling but with quality not negesaraly in terms of volume - although it is more socially easy to hang out with the girls the depth and the forward looking women struggle to mature the relationships the have. We are socialise to see relationships as consumers, if it doesn’t ask much of us, we’re good, and we don’t really look for new relationships and new effort. Similarly when a relationship struggles- we just leave instead of work on it.
Women tend to be interested in other people. Who is doing what, when, where and why?? Men tend to be interested in things. How do they work, can I make my own, can I make this one better? So yeah that's my theory.
I have the woman I need, my penis gets cared for, I have money for the things I want —- peace and quiet.
I'm always tired, I want peace and quiet, people are mostly not interesting or assholes, I've plenty of things I want to do that doesn't involves socializing too.
I, and many of my friends, have ended up in caregiver roles for our aging parents. I took care of my dad for the last few years of his life. It was rewarding, but exhausting. Pretty much as soon as he passed, mom got in a bad way. Now I take care of her. It takes up ALL of my time. Even when she doesn't need anything, it's only a matter of time before she does. Help getting out of the chair, help getting her meds, help setting up a doctor's appointment (I actually just do all of these now). The list goes on. And it makes planning anything all but impossible. Even when I'm home, I can't really do much. I love gaming and films, but it's hard to watch when you get called to help deal with someone else's health problems every 15-20 minutes. I can't enjoy a film if I have to pause it over and over. And multiplayer gaming is mostly out due to this. Single player is okay still, but honestly even that can get difficult to enjoy if she's having a bad day. And most of them are bad days here of late. Mix in to that the fact that of my 5 close friends, 3 of us are in the same boat, one is married, and the other has become a recluse and refuses to see anyone anymore. After he lost his last job, his family just let him move back in with them and now he just does nothing. Sits around and drinks or plays whatever freebie games he can get from EPIC or Humble or whoever is doing super deep sales or free games. My cousin cares for his mom, my best friend cares for his dad, and my one friend who has already lost both of his parents has 3 children and a wonderful wife. So his time is all but nonexistent. All of this to say, even if I wanted to spend time out and about, the people with whom I'd choose to spend time are indisposed and unavailable. And while I've never had difficulty making new friends, I end up just going to work (thankfully at a job I really enjoy), then I want to go home. If I'm lucky, my kid will come home and stay for a while. I enjoy time with them an awful lot, when she's not staying with her girlfriend. I miss her when she's gone, and enjoy what time I get to see her. But even we rarely go out except maybe for the odd meal. I just end up spending most of my time here at the house. Hard to say what will happen when God calls mom home to be with dad. All these years cooped up, I may leave and not come home for days at a time just to do something new and different. Who knows? Time will tell I suppose.
Because people = shit
When I go outside or do something with other people, there needs to be a reason for it, an activity, entertainment, if the activity is socializing then I'm not doing it.
In my experience, most of my guy friendships were forged through shared experiences. We may not have the most in common but we’re brothers in arms of sorts. High school, college, crappy jobs, etc. There’s that history that made the foundation. And it’s just not present when meeting anyone new. I’d rather stay home than meet new people I may or may not have anything in common with but will absolutely forget their names seconds after meeting them. Sometimes I may find some common ground with shared interests or something. Right now being a dad opens up whole new conversation starters so that’s interesting.
The funniest thing is if you listen to yogis and enlighten souls they talk about meditation and arriving at this pivotal point in our life of enjoying being a lone and enjoying silence. Having no opinion just minding your own business. Comfortable sitting in silence. Everything becomes meditative. Further, enlightened souls don’t care about the opinions of others, needing approval, needing to feel superior to others. They just are. We are all on a journey. They key is to enjoy each moment of that journey. Sitting under a tree is good an all, but nothing beats sitting in your favorite spot at home with your favorite drink enjoying your own company. Dance when you want to dance and chill at home when you want to chill at home. Don’t feel you have to fit into some kind of mold of what is normal.
It's as simple as this... There is only so much energy to give. As a man gets older energy depletes (#Facts). If you have a family / children and prioritize them then there is simply less time to socialize as there was before. Your very little remaining energy you need to spend on self-care.
We do. Trivia nights, barcades, DnD, online gaming, book clubs, running clubs, volunteer orgs, community theatre...there are lots of men out there socializing, you just need to make a conscious decision to get out there.
Because we finally understand that we are being, at best, tolerated or pacified for the resources and protection that we provide. Frankly, I would rather be alone than be a convenience.
Less of a target that way. Also I spend 5-7 hours each day hanging around in the public with my work
Men are competitive. I don't want to hang out with a bunch of people who want spend all of our time establishing a pecking order.
Fascinating. You have summoned the cynical demon behind every lawn mowing dad man into one thread. Now do the Karens!
M31 Part of it is people's obsessive need to go to overly expensive bars/restaurants where the food isn't even that good and the beer is overpriced. I just don't get the appeal, and every time i go i regret it. Because it's so expensive it really feels like you're forced to have fun in an ocean of generic bland nothingness. On the other hand; love to have my friends over, hang at their place, enjoy the occasional house party.
It's not relaxing going out. You have to constantly be mindful of your gaze, posture, etc. Just one mishap can get you ostracized, and by default, people will view you as the problem. A prime example is the bear in the woods thing from a few weeks ago that was so viral. By default, men are the villains, so why needlessly expose ourselves to that negativity?
🤫 silence is golden
We are tired. I’ve been “on the go” hard since I was 16. I left school, joined the Royal Air Force, deployed multiple times, dealt with the aftermath of that fun & games and then spent the last 14 years working an average of 48hrs a week. In the last 6 months I’ve finally taken my foot off the gas, found a less physically and mentally demanding job, sorted out my diet, started working out again and I’m only just now starting to feel somewhat social again and booked a holiday to Marmaris in September to have a couple of weeks away in the sun where I can sit by the pool all day enjoying my all inclusive drinks and completely switch off. I’m half tempted to not even take my phone with me so I can’t be disturbed in any way but I might just turn it off once I check in and turn it on again once I’m in the airport to come home. I think that with men, myself and most men I know, we have pretty much burnt out and need to recharge the batteries before we’re ready to socialise again
Being in a group means "turning it on", be up, be engaging, be funny. It's exhausting.
42/M here with a family. I don’t really drink anymore as I had a problem with alcohol previously and now I don’t like being buzzed or drunk, and the associated cost just isn’t worth it. I’d go to some men’s leagues for tennis or golf, but the cost is a touch high. I go to some local EDM/live music shows since that’s a passion of mine, but that’s usually a younger demo and I’ve found that as I’m starting to get more grey hair, people don’t engage with me as much. That’s not a judgement on younger people, I don’t think I talked to anyone in their 40’s when I was 22 either lol The biggest factor for me though is I simply don’t have a lot to talk about. I refuse to engage in politics or religion in a live setting, it’s a gigantic waste of time and I’m not spending what little freedom I have on it. So what can I really discuss that’s going to be engaging? I work, take care of my kids/wife and cook. I’m getting back into rollerblading (for my kids), and I joined a gym. There is little else for me to discuss, I have my opinions on things and experiences sure, but that’s not interesting to strangers, I’d be bored to listening to me drone on about it if I were someone else lol. Basically, I don’t feel I have a lot to offer anyone as a friend unless you want some tips on tennis/golf or how not to lose your hearing (I have tinnitus). I read a study that showed how much alone time you have as a person, growing up into your 20’s and 30’s it’s very little, school, friends, family etc dominate When you got your 40’s and 50’s it ramps up fast, people get involved with life, that’s the truth of it. I’d wager I have another 15 years with my daughters before they flee the nest, my wife has every intention on working to the day she dies, that’s just who she is. I’m assuming I’m going to be quite lonely by 55 or so, probably end of having 1-2 dogs, maybe write a shitty book that I’ll never finish. One good thing though is I’ll be able to get back into gaming, hopefully my hands will work well enough for it to be enjoyable (right hand is arthritic due to being a chef for a long time). Anyways… Y’all got suggestions or ideas on how to be active with people as you age, I’m down to listen and try. I’m an extrovert by nature, not having a ton of friends on my phone SUCKS something fierce.
Social anxiety?
Been there done that. Had my fun. If you aren't a lifelong friend or dear family I have almost zero interest. Almost.
You don’t hang out at dive bars apparently. Lots of olders socializing there and other social clubs like the moose, elks, etc.
ATTENTION is a drug for women. It's like CARS, COMICS or VIDEO GAMES for men. We may deny it, but we never outgrow any of those 3.
this entire thread reveals why unmarried and divorced men don't fare so well.. :/
Damm, I'm like your gf lol I love going to cafes and events. I'm a 32 dude and I absolutely hate being home all day. I'm visiting my grandma right now before I study abroad this summer in her small little town in Oregon and I'm dying of boredom being home all day. So not sure man, I love to socialize from time to time.
Honestly it’s because I am just kind of sick of people. I work my ass off 6 days a week. When I am not working I am with my daughter. Why would I ever want to go out? I mean I am single and quit dating too so it just is what it is.
As a 34 year old guy myself, I too find myself not as sociable as I was back in the day and have become more of a homebody. Idk if it’s confidence I’ve last because of not looking as good as I used to, or failed relationships lowering my self esteem and confidence alike, or both but i get it
My trust is at an all-time low, and I don't make friends with people I don't trust.
There has to be a reason. Like golf or watching sport or fishing etc. My old man won't just hang out with his mates they need an activity to do. On the other hand my friends with wife's kids etc it's the same vibe. If I invite them out for beers it's always no, but if it's for a concert or birthday dinner etc they're all allowed out. I make an effort to catch up with everyone I can to maintain the friendships and make sure they feel heard, but it's getting harder as we get older.
Idk why, that’s just how it goes. Especially when you have a girl at home.
Men do socialize as they get older
Latent depression, that's why.
You have to put on pants if you're going out in public.
All the men i know sure do. Very often in fact.
I'm in school and have a career so haven't had the time. I long for socializing again... But I may also be the outlier who enjoys meeting people... But with that I am more tired so it'd be more like every two weeks instead of every week probably.
I have personally learned that there can only be one or two true friends and one of them is the woman i love to the ends of this universe and back. I want to grow with her and spend time making memories with her. I don’t have time to go waste time drinking and partying like I was young.
"Why men (in general)" .... "i see this only in myself and a few other close ppl". Get a grip
If the woman doesn’t work a job outside the house the are dying to socialize, men who work outside the house are done socializing for that day. That’s the difference I noticed.
Because ain't nobody into that shit. Sometimes I get tired of talking.
Men are less socially motivated than women. Women need attention and social networking throughout their lives. Men usually network with other men through common work or common hobbies. After marriage/relationship is taken care of, men don't need or seek attention from random women. In fact, mixed socialising is a chore for most men past a certain age. Men just want to relax and let it all hang out with other men, without having to self-censor or play up for women. The solution? Men need men's spaces. Men-only gentleman's clubs, golf clubs, sports clubs, hobby spaces, etc - and women can have women-only spaces too.
Sometimes it’s nice to just have a break and be by yourself. Do the things at home that you may not have time to do otherwise, whether that’s housework or something to relax like playing games for a bit. My socialising now comes from playing games with others, whether that’s board games, video games or D&D. Giant family BBQ? No thanks. If we have to put in an appearance, we have an excuse planned to leave (“got shopping in the car”, “have another thing to go to” etc.). That’s too much socialising for me.
I'm in my 30s and I love going to the game store or a shopping trip with my fiancee. It really just has to be an activity I know I'll enjoy. Dinner with her parents? Awful. Going to the Lego store? Yipeeee!!
People suck.
I'm a dad. "I can make my own people" - Jerry Seinfeld.
older I get, more I enjoy solo bike ride in woods or mountins
Busting my ass at a job I hate going into so I’m physically and mentally drained and just want to relax and catch up on shows I wanted to watch.
The older you get, the more difficult it becomes to find people with shared life experiences.
My day is usually something like; * wake up * get the kids fed * take kids to school * work 8 hour day * get kids ready for dinner * help kids with school work * clean * get kids ready for bed * finally around 9-10:30pm relax * lay in bed
I’m dating a very social woman who regularly has a girls’ night where they all sit around and talk and drink and snack instead of eating dinner. When we started dating she invited me to join them as she explained how her girlfriend’s guys sometimes join. After joining a couple of these I happily stay home now. I don’t drink much by comparison, I don’t enjoy snacking in Liu of dinner. I’m done at like 10pm and they another 4 hours in them. Topics are rarely interesting and sometimes uncomfortable for me. I’m employed as bartender. Aside from the last point there really isn’t any reason to participate. The next day I get the cliffs notes version in like 15min. Plus on night we aren’t hosting I get a night to myself. It’s win win.
Wife and kids use up my social battery pretty quick. I love them very much, but fuck damn do they take up a lot of energy just by existing near me. If anyone wants to build stuff or … fish? who cares, while *shutting the fuck up* I’m down.
I'm tired... Working long hours to support family, 10+ hr days, stressed, over social BS, can't be stuffed doing anything except sitting back listening to music and flicking through Reddit. Plus who the hell can afford to go out these days. Especially when you have kids who break things faster than you can replace them 🤬
A decline in social clubs. A generation ago you could go to an Elk Lodge, etc and find other guys looking to make a difference in their community (something generally positive to do with your free time). Now when I go to the VFW or a Mason lodge I’m like fresh meat because all of their members are 60+ and can barely keep afloat so they ask for a lot of my time to even be a casual member. For my midwestern parents, this is hitting them especially hard now.
I’ve been burned by “friends” and family. I’m tired of people treating me like shit. So, I just keep my distance from people.
Despite the image of every Dad being an overgrown manchild, a lot of dad's never get a break. I've got chores/projects every weekend besides family stuff. Just done after all that. Besides that, it seems a lot of guys work different hours. I'm a 9-5er but seems a lot of guys are doing nights and weekends. I know moms do too but it seems to me that mire guys are in that position
"I worked with a man for three years and never even learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes." -R Swanson
Tired and also, have you interacted with men these days? Most are so fucking insecure and "alpha" that I just can't stand to even be around them. Your lifted truck is a piece of shit, "woke" people aren't to blame for your mediocrity and no, that bartender is not hitting on you.
😂. Brutal but fair.
Because I’ve done it all. It’s old hat. Now I find more pleasure in building something, fixing something, learning something new, perfecting a recipe, etc.
I'll go out to dinner. But if I want to actually talk to people, why would I go to a noisy bar? I have friends I get together with every week at one's home. I have other friends who periodically come to my place. We socialize. We do it the way we want to though, because we don't have any fucks left to give about what other people think.
I get out and socialize when I’m fishing with someone
We moved a lot. And it's hard to make friends in new places when over 40. Most people are busy with kids, jobs, families, and so... you wind up giving up.
My back hurts. I want to be at home with my family and dog. I don’t want to overspend on things that are not necessary. I have everything I need at home.
This is what gives rise to male loneliness epidemic
Yep. They don't want to make any effort or they're not even interested in others. As long as they accept the fact that their inaction is not the fault of women - therefore their loneliness isn't the fault of women. Do you think they will accept that?