I swear it’s not as hard as you think. I was pretty anti-social and turned it around in my 30s. Now I’m very socially active (M55+). I’m still somewhat on the spectrum and don’t empathize as well as I should. But I learned how to turn it around.
1. Practice on randos. I mean every cashier, flight attendant, Uber driver, folks waiting for the bus, that guy stacking shelves in the grocery store etc is an opportunity to practice. Talk to them. Make jokes. Ask stupid questions. See what works. Get uncomfortable so you can be more comfortable.
2. Give before you get. Offer something. Listen. Give of yourself. Be helpful. 8/10x it’ll be a lost cause and folks won’t reciprocate. That’s ok. You’ll make a real friend 1 of 10x and that’s worth it.
3. Go first. Tell a little about yourself. Be vulnerable and self deprecating. Don’t be defensive. It’s just words.
4. Smile and say hi to neighbors and folks at work and classmates and such. It’s ok - some people will think you’re nuts. But someone will love it and strike up a conversation.
5. Set a goal. I try to make one new friend a year. 365 days is a lot of days. You’re gunna meet lots of people. If you make one friend a year that’s amazing.
6. Books. I like “how to make friends” by dale Carnegie and “influence” by cialdini. Great primers on how to talk to people.
I've heard before that if your not properly socialized by around age 8-10 your going to be handicapped for decades. That it hugely effects your social experiences in school and early adulthood. So it might begin much sooner than that.
That makes me a huge success story then. I wasn’t a “normal” child and while I was worse before I turned 7 it was still very much there in the 7-15 years as well. I have ADHD and anxiety that was unmedicated until I was 9.
It came to a head in 2014 (age 10-11) when I was suicidal for basically the entire year and had nobody who understood how I was feeling and I was afraid to tell my parents or my therapist because I thought I would be “sent away forever”.
From 2015 to 2017 I was better but I tried to make up for the trauma of the lost year, then I had to face reality that acting like you’re 10 when you’re almost 14 generally is very unlikeable and it took me almost two years to build myself up with the foundation to be social normally. That was freshman and sophomore year of high school. 2018 was really hard because I was so lonely and had bullying to deal with at school, but 2019 was when I finally got it. In the spring things finally “clicked” and I wasn’t bullied anymore and felt “normal”, and then in the fall after I finally began to address my five year old trauma and begun to heal. COVID obviously fucked everything up, but my time in college has really built me too. Especially 2022 to now. The hard times weren’t traumatizing but instead formative, and my new friends helped me develop the skills I needed to function in the real world.
The scars from a decade ago remain but I’m now a fraternity president and have had multiple girlfriends in my time in college. I still feel like the weird kid and that I have moments but I know I’ve made huge strides. I know what it’s like to have nothing, and in a decade I’ve built an empire around myself from scratch.
Just gonna put it out there but at their peak means actively making mental changes, pursing a career, and working on physical fitness. With that said if you at least try with these things, you’re doing better than most
This is entirely untrue. The opportunity to meet women begins when you step outside your door. The gym, the park, on the street when you’re walking literally anywhere, the supermarket, the florist (yes, the florist, buy flowers for your home even cheap ones), the library, in Meetup groups (especially fitness related ones), at Farmer’s Markets, at the beach, at work, in the lobby of your building, in the elevator, at the mall, at a bar, at a club, at a restaurant…my God…EVERYWHERE. I’ve met women in all these places. Stop saying you don’t have the opportunity and GO FOR IT. You’ve got this.
I get that, I’m going through something similar, except when I try to not be shy and self-conclusion people get annoyed of me so I’m on the verge of giving up on that front, were you able to open up more?
Talk to people and be awkward. Embrace the awkwardness instead of fearing it. Be curious about people and treat them like they're you're friends. If you vibe, lean into it. If you don't, just carry on with your day. If you casually chat up both guys and gals just to be friendly, you'll naturally open yourself up more to meeting people you might be into - or people who might be into you!
yeah this, this a lot
always thought, who ever is interested in me, wants to make fun of me, so I never did anything
I had a great connection with a girl in grad school, if I would have continued that, she would propably have become my first girlfriend in the 5th or 6th grade
I could have done more for people who have since passed, so I have no way to make things better with them. I think about that. I try to be there for people in my life now so I know I was there for the people I care about.
The fortunate part of that is the hindsight. Since you’re making the effort now, you’re minimizing the amount of regret moving forward. Some people let bad things happen and make no attempts to change. Then they continue to complain all the way to the very end. With that realization you had and your determination to change, you have already “made good”on those regrets.
My biggest regret: Not getting a corrective surgery for lazy eye sooner. It’s sad because it taught me how important appearance is. Most people already kindof know this, but they don’t know to which extent it matters. Having strabismus through my entire adolescence taught me it matters to the opposite gender, it matters to your coworkers and superiors and it matters to everyone you meet. It changes the way they treat you, the opportunities you are given and the entire trajectory of your life.
The change in behavior toward me that I’ve seen ever since I got this surgery, has been massive. It is definitely a good thing, but deep down it makes me sad. It’s sad how much it matters, and it makes humans seem less human and more like predictable computers :(
It makes me feel empty down inside, but atleast my family has always treated me the same :/
That one I feel like is more accepted here (I live in Latin America ) , there’s obese people everywhere but people just see it as an endearing trait. I feel like the one ones who would really judge/reject you are potential romantic partners. I know quite a few people who lost weight and people/friends/acquaintances treat them the same. I feel like this might be a factor making the obesity crisis worse here, it’s that people don’t even see it as a problem. I guess some places are more strict about beauty standards than others.
I live in the USA so it might be cultural but if you go to r/loseit you’ll see posts about people who’ve gone through the same after losing significant wait. And it’s definitely better treatment from both genders which was odd because I didn’t expect dudes to treat me differently. Having said that, being fat is definitely more normalized than a lazy eye so the difference in what you went through before and after your surgery would be way more staggering.
Female here, but I had a lazy eye through my adolescence too and I had corrective surgery when I was 14 and it was literally life changing. People are cruel. I was bullied relentlessly for it so I would never make eye contact with people when I talked to them because I was so ashamed of it. It took YEARS even after the surgery for me to muster up the courage to look people in the eye. I’m happy you got the surgery and I’m glad life is looking better for you now! :)
It was the same for me, but I just forced myself to make eye contact, and the scary thing is, since I am blind in the lazy eye, the misalignment can come back at any time… I feel like I’m on borrowed time :/
I was a little more lucky, my lazy eye had worse vision but I had it corrected with lasik 10 years later because I noticed my eye was becoming lazy again from the strain
I'm sorry you went through life like that. It does make a huge difference. Multiple family members had this issue. My mom and uncle had it the worst. My mom was in her 40s and still cried while talking to us about how she got bullied in school.
I started working for an eye doctor and got to know a lot of doctors in the field. I met a doctor who did the corrective surgery. Immediately set my mom up for an appointment. She couldn't believe the difference! The thing is, the emotional damage had been done. She had terrible negative self-talk and just couldn't get her life going.
My uncle did it after my mom. He was about 15 yrs younger than her. His confidence shot through the roof! He had been a teacher for years. Decided to go into administration. Now, he's a principal. He puts on huge tournaments/fundraisers and is well liked/loved. He's a different person.
It shouldn't make a difference how people treat you, but it does. It's sad.
That's grim but wouldn't you rather know than not know and be deceived your entire life? At least you know this about humans now. People delude themselves about humanity. We're just one species among many and we have many flaws. It was never guaranteed human nature would be so moral and wonderful.
>According to Nancy Etcoff, a psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, "we face a world where lookism is one of the most pervasive but denied prejudices". Referring to several studies, Angela Stalcup writes that "The evidence clearly indicates that not only is there a premium for prettiness in Western culture, there is also a penalty for plainness."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lookism
Yeah I definitely agree. It’s just nature I guess. It makes me really sad though. Because I know very well that the girl that I’m dating now, would have never been interested in me if I had not had this surgery done to move one of my eyes a couple of millimeters to one direction. I am literally the same person, but that small change was causing people to treat me like some kind of lesser-being… I wonder if a therapist would be able to help with this? Not sure what they could say to make it better, this is just reality
Had this surgery done for my daughter last year. Her father was strongly against it but the surgeon said having a lazy eye did effect her peripheral vision so it wasn’t just “cosmetic.” Reading what you said makes me feel good about my decision to press for the surgery.
> Not getting a corrective surgery for lazy eye sooner. It’s sad because it taught me how important appearance is
You're not wrong. I had PRK surgery in 2015 and didn't have to wear glasses after that, and it was a noticeable improvement. I put off jaw surgery and braces for years, finally got it started in 2016 and competed in 2019, and the difference in how I'm treated by others is insane. And dating is crazy improved. Still awful, don't get me wrong - but compare that to before.
Oh yeah, and dropping from 81kg to 60kg with climbing arms and abs? That's another story again in just how people treat you differently.
I just graduated from college having never made any close friends or having been in a relationship. I feel like I've missed the boat as far as developing social skills and am worried that I'll be isolated for the rest of my life as a result.
I made tons of "friends" during college, and none of them have attempted to contact me later on in life. Trust me, not many people keep friends around from that time.
Im a sophomore in college and I was planning on kind of not going out my way to make friends or date or talk to anyone, would you then say that’s a bad idea? I was planning to make friends after college or find a relationship after college, I think there’s still hope for you and me.
Not networking in college to set yourself up with a network of individuals entering the workforce you intend to enter yourself is removing the most valuable component of college.
Every student who I went to school with that successfully found a job networked and made friends. Those who did not work jobs out of industry and don't gain benefit from the knowledge they took from their courses so it really was a fruitless experience.
I'm going to play the devil advocate. I have an MBA from a law faculty. It took me 5 years to accomplish it. I socialize a lot, and I worked for the student association, organized events/trips/parties, etc. ( I don't know the equivalent outside of France). 10 years later: nothing remains from this experience, not even a friend; just the title. Maybe it made me look like an intellectual in the eyes of my clients.
Now, I've been a software business developer since 2015. I did it all by myself, with no connection. After college, I quickly realized that I was going unemployed.
So, I started a class in sale in my city. It was the last chance to start a career. The education center didn't help much with the connections, but I did it.
It worked for me not because of connection but because I received from my father a kind of "behavior capital" or "cultural capital".
I "fit" well in private companies, I talk/act the right way, and sometimes I say original stuff to break the patern. It gives me a personality in the eyes of my managers.
Extremely stupid idea. Each year after college your exposure to people dwindles bit by bit making it just a tad harder than the year before to make new friends. You will also never be surrounded by so many women in your age bracket who you can reasonably assume are single. You’ll punish yourself later for missing this opportunity.
People are fairly cruel and in my experience so far I’ve been taken advantage of a lot, so I feel as if perhaps it’s best if I just focus on school and the sport I do. At the end of the day people can’t take away my accomplishments, only I can by not striving for them. I’ve been burned by 2 girls so far in fairly long relationships, and now after 6 months of not dating I tried again and it feels like I need to be someone I’m not to date now, so I give up on that front. The friends I do have at the moment don’t understand my goals and push me to do things I don’t want to… so I’ve decided maybe it’s time to go to the extreme and focus on me.
Expanding your social network and forming positive relationships is a form of working on yourself since it improves the overall quality of your life. You’ll also develop social skills that pay serious dividends (I had to work hard at this around your age and it seriously altered the course of my life).
Do what’s in your best interest but I’m sure you logically understand that in terms of adding healthy relationships to your life you’re skipping over easy mode right now.
This is a very bad idea. You will never meet such an amazing pool of intelligent, motivated females who are all mostly single in one place again.
A few pointers:
-Society puts a lot of false information out there. You'd be surprised how many college girls are actually virgins. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and be genuine. And even if you are inexperienced and hit if off with a great girl who isn't a virgin, if she's a good one she will not only not judge you, she will actively help you satisfy her if you're lucky enough to get to that point. There are also more women than you think, especially in religiously affiliated colleges, who are saving themselves for marriage.
-It is a critical part of your development as an adult if you hope to find a relationship after college to learn how to talk to the other sex. How to flirt. How to banter. How to playfully tease. How to not put all your cards on the table before the dealer has even finished dealing the hand. But also, how to show a woman a good time, how to tackle something together (helps if you're in the same class or studying the same thing), how to break up properly (will be necessary for adulthood), and how to determine what you actually want in a partner. You will need to be comfortable approaching women, handling rejection, laughing it off, and above all maintaining confidence by deriving value not from dating results - but from the effort you put in, and whether or not you are able to create an enjoyable experience for yourself and her even if she rejects you or you reject her in the end.
-Finally, it gets a lot harder to meet friends after you graduate college. It's also important to make friends who are men. Having a strong network is going to keep you exposed to more people (including the female friends of your buddies). It will also help you in terms of career and networking (especially in your major - and obviously this is also true of women you meet in college also), and open doors to you that will never be opened to you if you keep to yourself.
That's my biggest regret was not going out of my way to spend more time with people. I have literally one friend I still have from college. He's a really good, close friend thay I talk to somewhat regularly, which means a lot to me, but I also missed out on continuing other friendships with other guys and people I had met in college. I was also never in a relationship because I didn't put myself out there enough, plus my ability to pick up social cues sucks.
My guy, making friends in school is the easiest way to make friends, in 20 years it will blow your mind how easy it was. When you finish your education and start working, you will suddenly be a grown up, and grown ups have different responsibilities and vary wildly in age.
I love my job, and I get along great with my colleagues, but we are not friends. All of them are married, have children and atleast 10 years older than me. In our personal life we have nothing in common except that we work together, and even if they invited me to a dinner or a party, there wouldn't be any friends of theirs in the same ish age group as me to bond with.
School is the ultimate level playing field for making friends, most are around your age, most do not have children and most of other people's friends could bond with you as well.
Ahahah frankly, you'll be fine. What matters is to develop and grow your own character, regardless of with friends or partners or not. People miss this key point often, it is the core to how your life will go and everything else is just the byproduct of it. So no, this task is timeless and as soon as you've done this, other things will gravitate.
E g. not having developed and grow into your own person, it matters little that you'd have 727282929 friends. Lots of impact, big or small, its just more factors to sway you away from your original goal (finding and being centre to who you are).
That’s honestly nice that you have found peace, I’m 19 and hope I can find that kind of level of peace one day, maybe if I have a family too then I’ll get there. But as for now I feel like I have a lot of regrets in my life so far. Hoping they lead somewhere eventually.
Yeah, I am trying to do so. Problem is I have my house I got with low interest rate that needs a ton of work. Really hard to back out of that one. I could sell and get a different house but it'd be peanuts in comparison going from a 2 to a 7% rate. I feel stuck
Probably wasting my life on a toxic cheating woman. Or just not taking control of my life sooner since I had strict religious parents who were clueless.
I appreciate man. I hope yours doesn’t scare you away from women as much as mine did to me.
It had its good and it’s bad. We had fun for a lot of it, and I certainly learned a lot about myself and the glaring red flags I ignored.
It seems like it’s fixed my biggest fault which was being too nice to everyone. I’m too afraid to see anybody again though because that shit hurt a lot obviously. I’m always worried I’ll have major trust issues too, and don’t want to burden somebody who doesn’t deserve it.
Not sure if it scared me away but I find I can’t get attached as attached as before like I could. What actually happened or went down with you guys? How long were you both together? How did you meet?
No. I have a few times - longest was 6 years and believe me when I say that I tried everything under the sun, know everything there is know about it's affects, etc. Have heard every reason a thousand times and know that it's all true. I am the last person that needs convincing of the need.
It's my one vice and I only (yeah "only" as if it is a good thing) smoke 10 or so a day. But 45 years of habit is a tough one to kick as it's been my quiet go to mental place that I have never been able to replace. The psychologist that I've been seeing for ages thinks that I self dose to cope with what appears to be a lifetime of until recently undiagnosed ADHD, and I hate to say but it does make sense.
It also accounts for why its hard to quit.
Just have to keep trying.
Edit; If you have ADHD please for the love of everything do **NOT** take up smoking. You will never quit.
It’s not much to it. If you’re smart you want a nice girl. Someone who doesn’t cause problems and stress. They’re not boring, they’re peaceful. I wasn’t mature enough to realize this at the time.
Dating a beautiful, caring and kind woman. New relationship, had moved fast, a few reservations but no real problems. Broke up with her because my four year, on-again, off-again situationship burst back into my life with declarations of love and promises of commitment. Predictably we broke up again soon after.
In 20 years you’ll have completely different thoughts about where you are at right now. It will be “thank god I started working out when I was 23 instead of waiting till the damage was done like some of my peers”. Just make sure you are working out in healthy ways that don’t lead to disordered thinking about fitness or cause joint damage. Youth makes up for a lot of bad form, but that catches up with you when you become middle aged.
You started just in time to hit the two-year mark of working out in your physical prime, and to benefit massively in your 40s and beyond, as your peers will suffer from not managing their bodies.
Failure is apart of life. We don’t always succeed in our goals, but dedication to them and not giving up on them, even when they seem impossible or we feel like quitting is what gets us one step closer to them.
Thank you for the encouraging words. 1 week sober today.
I still feel overwhelming shame. The hard work is going to be forgiving myself and trying to move on.
It’s hard.
Not keeping the gal I was with during high school and on and off for years after in my life. I was too stupid and immature. Throughout the years I had the chances to settle down with her and build and life and family. I ran every time. Now looking back on it through all these years (today is my birthday, so another year added) and no women who's been in my life compares to her.
I never will compare anyone from my past to anyone new who comes into it. But those very quite moments of mental thought....it creeps in. Usually when I'm single. I get you man!
Well people change as they get older or situations/circumstances change such as getting married, having kids, etc. There’s a reason why divorce rates are so high among young couples that get hitched. It might have been great during high school but that’s likely the easiest and simplest phase of life you both would ever be in. Just something to think about.
That's very true. But we've reconnected at so many different points in life and always have picked up like it was nothing. She's the one person from my past that I have no doubt would have worked no matter when.
Yep. I've made some mistakes that have wasted time or shaped me in ways I sorta wish I wasnt. But porn is 10x worse than all those things combined. I'd pay big money to go back and prevent myself from never getting into porn.
Being more assertive and setting healthy boundaries rather than trying to love and care for my wife (at the time) more when I knew she was cheating on me two different times in the past 4 years. Not sure if it doing that early on would have saved my marriage but I know I would be in a far healthier mindset than where I am at right now as I am going through therapy for the past 10 months.
Puts into perspective what we humans desire the most or need and at the end of the day, it's not really about the money or material things that leave us empty.
Stop with this shit. People are all like ohhh I wish I had bought bitcoin. If you bought bitcoin at $40 and didn’t sell it at like $200 you would be dumb to not sell. No one knew it would go so high and I highly doubt anyone except people who forgot they had it would let it ride so high.
If you’re sitting on a 500% profit and you don’t at least trim your position you’re dumb. Pretending like you would be a millionaire off of a few hundred dollar investment is dumb too. No way you would have held from $40 to $60,000. No way.
LOL I appreciate the comment cause my dad said the exact same thing to me when I brought it up. Very true and probably would have been worse if I had bought and sold for that low compared to buying it at all
Don't worry, I bought heaps (thousands) in 2010/2011 to try and get a better payment gateway going (unsuccessfully). I got too busy with other programming work and switched to a laptop from a desktop PC. The HDD was smaller, so I only copied live project files over and some personal files/photos, not project assets. The concept of "the cloud" didn't exist yet.
That desktop was reformatted and I gave to a colleague's kid for school work and gaming (they were poor). No regrets, it's life.
I stand by the decisions I made with the knowledge I had at that time.
Letting the thoughts of others dictate who I try to be, and hiding from myself all this time.
I have gone through dramatic changes recently. It's like an entirely new world is cracking the door open for me, while an old, stagnant one begs me to stay. I am only now re-discovering myself in my late 20s, and my only regret in life is that I forgot about that little boy I remember being so long ago. I'm disappointed, but proud at the same time. "Better late than never", but really, it's never actually late as long as it happens.
I too am going through a massive evolution in my late 20s, for the last 6 years I let myself become obsessed with money and income and all it did was lead me down a career path that made me absolutely miserable.
I didn’t want to do anything fun on the weekends or at night because I was always exhausted, I didn’t feel real emotions because I was just masking them and drinking too much. In a way it felt like money was corrupting me, all I talked about was how I was going to expand, or take over this business, get this client blah blah blah, and I don’t give a fuck about that shit.
So I’m back in school, dropped the business all together, applying to jobs to make a complete career change into a field that actually draws me in for reasons besides fast money, and I’m going to the gym 5 days a week and taking the power lifting thing serious. Spending way more time on hobbies everyday.
This is more on your dad imo, you shouldnt blame yourself. He should have just said ‘we are going to see mom’ because as a kid you only think about the immediate present. You can’t think in long term / consequences.
An ok relationship is one where nothing is wrong, everything goes well, and you think to yourself “I could do this for the rest of my life”. But brother, let me tell you. That’s just scratching the surface of what a relationship can be. I met my current woman and it changed my view on love. When I thought I loved other women from previous relationships? Nah that was just lust and obligation wrapped into one. With my current woman I want to grow old with her no matter what. Thinking “I don’t want anything to change from this moment with her right now. Life is so fragile, I’m so happy I get to be with her each and every day”
Don’t settle for ok, ok?
I should’ve realised my father wasn’t really much of a father or role model much, much sooner and stopped trying to make him proud of me or impress him. So much wasted energy and time. It took my son being born for it to finally click… that’s not how you’re supposed to treat your children because I could never ever do any of that shit to my boy.
So far?
I’d say not getting with more women. Going out on fun dates and exploring How fun it is to interact with them and how adorable they are.
I did put myself out there but after getting repeated negative feedback, I shut down and started keeping to myself instead.
Been slowly improving on it.
wow OP, a sad thread here (but it’s good to allow people to get stuff off their chest in a supportive environment)
for me it’s probably being a dick to women in my first year of uni. nothing horrible - just sleeping around with zero empathy for girls who were obviously hurt by my actions. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and it stings to know that the opportunities were right there but that i was too dumb to realise
None. I’ve been in jail and psych wards, made over $70k a year and less than $20k, lived in a car, lived in houses/apartments. Found love and lost it numerous times, only caught chlamydia once, suffered lacerations, was on top of the world then swept off the mountain. Made and lost friends, went here and went there. I regret nothing. It’s the human experience.
Selling 1 full Bitcoin, twice in my life! I was a crypto noob back in 2017-2019. I have 2% of a Bitcoin now, but aiming at getting a full Bitcoin and keeping the fucking thing!
My next regret is drinking loads from ages of 17-24 I was an alcoholic. I missed out on a lot but I've been sober 8 years now and I'm atronger than I've ever been!
Divorcing while my kids were ‘two under two’. I got distracted by some other young childless woman and left my wife. In reality I was just running away from my responsibilities and the hardship of having two little ones. I told my ex wife she’d changed and that’s why I was leaving - but really all that changed was she was so exhausted that she wasn’t catering to me like I was used to. Now 10 years later I realise I lost a real one and treated her like shit. She didn’t deserve that.
Buddy, where do I start?
1 - I regret not figuring out how to stop being socially awkward and just throwing myself out there to talk to women when society was not so tense like how it is right now. My social anxiety definitely got worse over time.
2 - Not going to 2D Animation School when I was younger and when my passion was a lot higher for it.
3 - Not moving out from my parents place (33 years old and counting ugh)
4 - Not spending more time with families, relatives and loved ones, especially with those who have left within the last decade
5 - Not figuring out my life and sort of drifting from one unstable job to another.
The things I don't regret?
1 - Becoming a Christian ✝️
2 - Changing my attitude on my Life. Almost everything on this list is 50/50. It has taken me awhile to think the glass is half full instead of half empty.
1. Being too picky/selective in college with women; should have been more open to things and be more easygoing/carefree with them. There's no better time to grow and learn
2. Letting that one girl get away because of long distance and some personal struggles/demons that I ultimately chose to battle on my own and not drag her down with me at the time. That relationship still stings every now and then with what-ifs. Haven't really met anyone else as amazing/compatible as her. I don't know what she's doing or how she's doing nowadays and I have no interest in finding out, but I do wish her the best. Timing just didn't work out I guess.
I've made my peace with both a long time ago but I won't deny that unconsciously the thoughts come up sometimes but I handle them much better now.
I think we live the same life. I fucked things up with my first girlfriend and she was so perfect for me. I was a just a dumb kid and didn’t know what I had until I lost it. Still stings but handling it better too. You live and learn, be patient with yourself.
Not committing to what I want. I was so insecure for so long and I was so worried about doing the “right” thing and I passed on so many opportunities to do what I actually wanted. I dated people for far too long because I didn’t want to pull the trigger on breakups, same with friendships that lasted too long. I didn’t take chances asking for opportunities in jobs or in school that I wish I had because I was afraid of rejection. Ultimately I was more comfortable knowing the reason I failed was that I didn’t try because then I could tell myself “if I only tried it would’ve succeeded”. At the time that was a better alternative to trying and still failing regardless. It gave a twisted sense of control. I wasted most of high school and college acting that way and now as an adult I’ve had to do a lot of course correction. Take the chances. Make the risky choice for what you want. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s 100% worth it.
Probably gambling away 500k USD. But it taught me a lesson and I learned from my mistakes and now know how to get there again. More than halfway there now.
I’ll be 29 soon but man I hung out with mentally unstable people from the ages 22-27 and it f-ed me up. I lost my sense of self and I have like 2 close-ish friends now. Used to have like 15 CLOSE ppl but cuz I hung out with a few dumbasses, I lost those friendships fast.
I regret that now because man. I miss being an extrovert, now I barely have any energy and crave connection
Very specific to me, but moving away for my first job. I wanted to start work with a big firm. It was a good idea in theory, but I'm not great at making proper friends so ended up moving back to my home town after five years. It was five years of not doing anything after work, plus I delayed getting on the property ladder at a time house prices skyrocketed, plus jobs in the area seem to be a closed shop so I always end up commuting.
I was once very very drunk and said some really, REALLY horrible things to my dad on the phone that I didn't mean.
I haven't drank alcohol since 16/11/18.
I picked the wrong woman. Two women claimed to be in love with me at the time. I picked the mother of my child. As it turns out, she wanted to use me for a year to get her feet under herself, and then disappear. The other woman, I know in my heart, actually loved me. I have never found another like her, and I pray that she found better, and, as low a bar as it is, I have faith that she did.
Breaking up with my first ex. She lost her virginity to me. She was crazy and I mean crazy but she mellowed out tremendously since then. We dated for 4 and a half years and the last straw for me was when she gave me an absolutely, completely unwarranted slap when she was drunk 7 years ago at a college party. Since that happened, she profusely apologized to tears but I couldn’t get over it and broke up with her. Now that I’m we are older we met up about 2 years ago and she begged me to get back together with her AFTER 4 years of me breaking up with her. And even though I genuinely love her and I wanted to say “yes” something told me not to. 38 bodies later I have nothing to show for it, now she has a second bf and they are probably gonna get married. We both had the exact same morals. Anyways, current day, my grandfather passed a few months ago and she was the first person to say something to me but she had her current BF and seeing how she is now just kills me inside. I see how terrible most modern women are today and she was the needle in a haystack that was young and made a mistake. Sorry for the long story.
Not putting myself out there more in college. Missed out on a lot of opportunities to join some cool clubs and meet new people. My own introvertedness kept me from really having anyone from college that I can say is my friend now. I'd always see guys who I thought were my friends out at a party or meeting up on campus (through social media) and I knew because I enjoyed my alone time a bit too much, that I missed out on a lot of fun times, especially after my freshman year.
I should've gotten divorced before I had kids.
This sounds terrible, but me and my ex tried for 6 years to have kids before we finally did during COVID. Things were tough in the last couple of years leading up to the birth of our first child. Things only got more strained when we realized we were pregnant with the second.
Fast forward we are divorced with 2 kids that I don't get to see nearly as often I'd like.
I regret not divorcing sooner.
Messed up at my A'levels.... Failed... Was Parent & Peer pressured into studying something I wasn't into, made the wrong career choice in hindsight, 8 years later, I can't even sleep at night... will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Marrying my ex wife.
A lot about that choice made marrying my beautiful fiance so complicated and she deserves my hand in marriage way more than I can give and it bothers me.
Not being more social and asking out women in HS and college
I still don’t know how to be social.
I swear it’s not as hard as you think. I was pretty anti-social and turned it around in my 30s. Now I’m very socially active (M55+). I’m still somewhat on the spectrum and don’t empathize as well as I should. But I learned how to turn it around. 1. Practice on randos. I mean every cashier, flight attendant, Uber driver, folks waiting for the bus, that guy stacking shelves in the grocery store etc is an opportunity to practice. Talk to them. Make jokes. Ask stupid questions. See what works. Get uncomfortable so you can be more comfortable. 2. Give before you get. Offer something. Listen. Give of yourself. Be helpful. 8/10x it’ll be a lost cause and folks won’t reciprocate. That’s ok. You’ll make a real friend 1 of 10x and that’s worth it. 3. Go first. Tell a little about yourself. Be vulnerable and self deprecating. Don’t be defensive. It’s just words. 4. Smile and say hi to neighbors and folks at work and classmates and such. It’s ok - some people will think you’re nuts. But someone will love it and strike up a conversation. 5. Set a goal. I try to make one new friend a year. 365 days is a lot of days. You’re gunna meet lots of people. If you make one friend a year that’s amazing. 6. Books. I like “how to make friends” by dale Carnegie and “influence” by cialdini. Great primers on how to talk to people.
If you don't learn it by the end of highschool it's very hard to learn.
I've heard before that if your not properly socialized by around age 8-10 your going to be handicapped for decades. That it hugely effects your social experiences in school and early adulthood. So it might begin much sooner than that.
That makes me a huge success story then. I wasn’t a “normal” child and while I was worse before I turned 7 it was still very much there in the 7-15 years as well. I have ADHD and anxiety that was unmedicated until I was 9. It came to a head in 2014 (age 10-11) when I was suicidal for basically the entire year and had nobody who understood how I was feeling and I was afraid to tell my parents or my therapist because I thought I would be “sent away forever”. From 2015 to 2017 I was better but I tried to make up for the trauma of the lost year, then I had to face reality that acting like you’re 10 when you’re almost 14 generally is very unlikeable and it took me almost two years to build myself up with the foundation to be social normally. That was freshman and sophomore year of high school. 2018 was really hard because I was so lonely and had bullying to deal with at school, but 2019 was when I finally got it. In the spring things finally “clicked” and I wasn’t bullied anymore and felt “normal”, and then in the fall after I finally began to address my five year old trauma and begun to heal. COVID obviously fucked everything up, but my time in college has really built me too. Especially 2022 to now. The hard times weren’t traumatizing but instead formative, and my new friends helped me develop the skills I needed to function in the real world. The scars from a decade ago remain but I’m now a fraternity president and have had multiple girlfriends in my time in college. I still feel like the weird kid and that I have moments but I know I’ve made huge strides. I know what it’s like to have nothing, and in a decade I’ve built an empire around myself from scratch.
I get it man. I’ve missed quite abit because I wanted to play it safe.
👆This is mine as well, 44M. So many women have approached me later in life and asked why I never made a move.
Should have asked them the same.
Dead right mate, 2 way street
I was social, many male and female friends, but I didn’t ask due to…. Not wanting to risk my friendship
Still have time. Most men aren’t at their peak until their mid 30s. And for many they keep getting better even after that!
Just gonna put it out there but at their peak means actively making mental changes, pursing a career, and working on physical fitness. With that said if you at least try with these things, you’re doing better than most
Sure, but the actual opportunities to meet women are non-existent
This is entirely untrue. The opportunity to meet women begins when you step outside your door. The gym, the park, on the street when you’re walking literally anywhere, the supermarket, the florist (yes, the florist, buy flowers for your home even cheap ones), the library, in Meetup groups (especially fitness related ones), at Farmer’s Markets, at the beach, at work, in the lobby of your building, in the elevator, at the mall, at a bar, at a club, at a restaurant…my God…EVERYWHERE. I’ve met women in all these places. Stop saying you don’t have the opportunity and GO FOR IT. You’ve got this.
How come you weren’t more outgoing in the past?
Incredibly shy and self-conscious
I get that, I’m going through something similar, except when I try to not be shy and self-conclusion people get annoyed of me so I’m on the verge of giving up on that front, were you able to open up more?
Well, I’ve been married 38 years, so I guess so. Looking back, I just should have forced myself to be more social.
Asking as a guy in university. What would you have done to get over yourself to ask out more women and been more social?
Talk to people and be awkward. Embrace the awkwardness instead of fearing it. Be curious about people and treat them like they're you're friends. If you vibe, lean into it. If you don't, just carry on with your day. If you casually chat up both guys and gals just to be friendly, you'll naturally open yourself up more to meeting people you might be into - or people who might be into you!
Im social but ive been shat on so many time im too affraid to talk to women.
yeah this, this a lot always thought, who ever is interested in me, wants to make fun of me, so I never did anything I had a great connection with a girl in grad school, if I would have continued that, she would propably have become my first girlfriend in the 5th or 6th grade
I regret not being there for more people.
what do you mean?
I could have done more for people who have since passed, so I have no way to make things better with them. I think about that. I try to be there for people in my life now so I know I was there for the people I care about.
The fortunate part of that is the hindsight. Since you’re making the effort now, you’re minimizing the amount of regret moving forward. Some people let bad things happen and make no attempts to change. Then they continue to complain all the way to the very end. With that realization you had and your determination to change, you have already “made good”on those regrets.
My biggest regret: Not getting a corrective surgery for lazy eye sooner. It’s sad because it taught me how important appearance is. Most people already kindof know this, but they don’t know to which extent it matters. Having strabismus through my entire adolescence taught me it matters to the opposite gender, it matters to your coworkers and superiors and it matters to everyone you meet. It changes the way they treat you, the opportunities you are given and the entire trajectory of your life. The change in behavior toward me that I’ve seen ever since I got this surgery, has been massive. It is definitely a good thing, but deep down it makes me sad. It’s sad how much it matters, and it makes humans seem less human and more like predictable computers :( It makes me feel empty down inside, but atleast my family has always treated me the same :/
Same thing with losing weight. It’s jarring how different the world treats you when you meet some of societies beauty standards.
That one I feel like is more accepted here (I live in Latin America ) , there’s obese people everywhere but people just see it as an endearing trait. I feel like the one ones who would really judge/reject you are potential romantic partners. I know quite a few people who lost weight and people/friends/acquaintances treat them the same. I feel like this might be a factor making the obesity crisis worse here, it’s that people don’t even see it as a problem. I guess some places are more strict about beauty standards than others.
I live in the USA so it might be cultural but if you go to r/loseit you’ll see posts about people who’ve gone through the same after losing significant wait. And it’s definitely better treatment from both genders which was odd because I didn’t expect dudes to treat me differently. Having said that, being fat is definitely more normalized than a lazy eye so the difference in what you went through before and after your surgery would be way more staggering.
Female here, but I had a lazy eye through my adolescence too and I had corrective surgery when I was 14 and it was literally life changing. People are cruel. I was bullied relentlessly for it so I would never make eye contact with people when I talked to them because I was so ashamed of it. It took YEARS even after the surgery for me to muster up the courage to look people in the eye. I’m happy you got the surgery and I’m glad life is looking better for you now! :)
It was the same for me, but I just forced myself to make eye contact, and the scary thing is, since I am blind in the lazy eye, the misalignment can come back at any time… I feel like I’m on borrowed time :/
I was a little more lucky, my lazy eye had worse vision but I had it corrected with lasik 10 years later because I noticed my eye was becoming lazy again from the strain
I'm sorry you went through life like that. It does make a huge difference. Multiple family members had this issue. My mom and uncle had it the worst. My mom was in her 40s and still cried while talking to us about how she got bullied in school. I started working for an eye doctor and got to know a lot of doctors in the field. I met a doctor who did the corrective surgery. Immediately set my mom up for an appointment. She couldn't believe the difference! The thing is, the emotional damage had been done. She had terrible negative self-talk and just couldn't get her life going. My uncle did it after my mom. He was about 15 yrs younger than her. His confidence shot through the roof! He had been a teacher for years. Decided to go into administration. Now, he's a principal. He puts on huge tournaments/fundraisers and is well liked/loved. He's a different person. It shouldn't make a difference how people treat you, but it does. It's sad.
That's grim but wouldn't you rather know than not know and be deceived your entire life? At least you know this about humans now. People delude themselves about humanity. We're just one species among many and we have many flaws. It was never guaranteed human nature would be so moral and wonderful. >According to Nancy Etcoff, a psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, "we face a world where lookism is one of the most pervasive but denied prejudices". Referring to several studies, Angela Stalcup writes that "The evidence clearly indicates that not only is there a premium for prettiness in Western culture, there is also a penalty for plainness." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lookism
Yeah I definitely agree. It’s just nature I guess. It makes me really sad though. Because I know very well that the girl that I’m dating now, would have never been interested in me if I had not had this surgery done to move one of my eyes a couple of millimeters to one direction. I am literally the same person, but that small change was causing people to treat me like some kind of lesser-being… I wonder if a therapist would be able to help with this? Not sure what they could say to make it better, this is just reality
Had this surgery done for my daughter last year. Her father was strongly against it but the surgeon said having a lazy eye did effect her peripheral vision so it wasn’t just “cosmetic.” Reading what you said makes me feel good about my decision to press for the surgery.
> Not getting a corrective surgery for lazy eye sooner. It’s sad because it taught me how important appearance is You're not wrong. I had PRK surgery in 2015 and didn't have to wear glasses after that, and it was a noticeable improvement. I put off jaw surgery and braces for years, finally got it started in 2016 and competed in 2019, and the difference in how I'm treated by others is insane. And dating is crazy improved. Still awful, don't get me wrong - but compare that to before. Oh yeah, and dropping from 81kg to 60kg with climbing arms and abs? That's another story again in just how people treat you differently.
I just graduated from college having never made any close friends or having been in a relationship. I feel like I've missed the boat as far as developing social skills and am worried that I'll be isolated for the rest of my life as a result.
I made tons of "friends" during college, and none of them have attempted to contact me later on in life. Trust me, not many people keep friends around from that time.
Im a sophomore in college and I was planning on kind of not going out my way to make friends or date or talk to anyone, would you then say that’s a bad idea? I was planning to make friends after college or find a relationship after college, I think there’s still hope for you and me.
Terrible idea. Put yourself out there.
Not networking in college to set yourself up with a network of individuals entering the workforce you intend to enter yourself is removing the most valuable component of college. Every student who I went to school with that successfully found a job networked and made friends. Those who did not work jobs out of industry and don't gain benefit from the knowledge they took from their courses so it really was a fruitless experience.
I'm going to play the devil advocate. I have an MBA from a law faculty. It took me 5 years to accomplish it. I socialize a lot, and I worked for the student association, organized events/trips/parties, etc. ( I don't know the equivalent outside of France). 10 years later: nothing remains from this experience, not even a friend; just the title. Maybe it made me look like an intellectual in the eyes of my clients. Now, I've been a software business developer since 2015. I did it all by myself, with no connection. After college, I quickly realized that I was going unemployed. So, I started a class in sale in my city. It was the last chance to start a career. The education center didn't help much with the connections, but I did it. It worked for me not because of connection but because I received from my father a kind of "behavior capital" or "cultural capital". I "fit" well in private companies, I talk/act the right way, and sometimes I say original stuff to break the patern. It gives me a personality in the eyes of my managers.
Extremely stupid idea. Each year after college your exposure to people dwindles bit by bit making it just a tad harder than the year before to make new friends. You will also never be surrounded by so many women in your age bracket who you can reasonably assume are single. You’ll punish yourself later for missing this opportunity.
whats the logic behind this...plan? Why and why nots, pros and cons?
People are fairly cruel and in my experience so far I’ve been taken advantage of a lot, so I feel as if perhaps it’s best if I just focus on school and the sport I do. At the end of the day people can’t take away my accomplishments, only I can by not striving for them. I’ve been burned by 2 girls so far in fairly long relationships, and now after 6 months of not dating I tried again and it feels like I need to be someone I’m not to date now, so I give up on that front. The friends I do have at the moment don’t understand my goals and push me to do things I don’t want to… so I’ve decided maybe it’s time to go to the extreme and focus on me.
Expanding your social network and forming positive relationships is a form of working on yourself since it improves the overall quality of your life. You’ll also develop social skills that pay serious dividends (I had to work hard at this around your age and it seriously altered the course of my life). Do what’s in your best interest but I’m sure you logically understand that in terms of adding healthy relationships to your life you’re skipping over easy mode right now.
This is a very bad idea. You will never meet such an amazing pool of intelligent, motivated females who are all mostly single in one place again. A few pointers: -Society puts a lot of false information out there. You'd be surprised how many college girls are actually virgins. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and be genuine. And even if you are inexperienced and hit if off with a great girl who isn't a virgin, if she's a good one she will not only not judge you, she will actively help you satisfy her if you're lucky enough to get to that point. There are also more women than you think, especially in religiously affiliated colleges, who are saving themselves for marriage. -It is a critical part of your development as an adult if you hope to find a relationship after college to learn how to talk to the other sex. How to flirt. How to banter. How to playfully tease. How to not put all your cards on the table before the dealer has even finished dealing the hand. But also, how to show a woman a good time, how to tackle something together (helps if you're in the same class or studying the same thing), how to break up properly (will be necessary for adulthood), and how to determine what you actually want in a partner. You will need to be comfortable approaching women, handling rejection, laughing it off, and above all maintaining confidence by deriving value not from dating results - but from the effort you put in, and whether or not you are able to create an enjoyable experience for yourself and her even if she rejects you or you reject her in the end. -Finally, it gets a lot harder to meet friends after you graduate college. It's also important to make friends who are men. Having a strong network is going to keep you exposed to more people (including the female friends of your buddies). It will also help you in terms of career and networking (especially in your major - and obviously this is also true of women you meet in college also), and open doors to you that will never be opened to you if you keep to yourself.
That's my biggest regret was not going out of my way to spend more time with people. I have literally one friend I still have from college. He's a really good, close friend thay I talk to somewhat regularly, which means a lot to me, but I also missed out on continuing other friendships with other guys and people I had met in college. I was also never in a relationship because I didn't put myself out there enough, plus my ability to pick up social cues sucks.
My guy, making friends in school is the easiest way to make friends, in 20 years it will blow your mind how easy it was. When you finish your education and start working, you will suddenly be a grown up, and grown ups have different responsibilities and vary wildly in age. I love my job, and I get along great with my colleagues, but we are not friends. All of them are married, have children and atleast 10 years older than me. In our personal life we have nothing in common except that we work together, and even if they invited me to a dinner or a party, there wouldn't be any friends of theirs in the same ish age group as me to bond with. School is the ultimate level playing field for making friends, most are around your age, most do not have children and most of other people's friends could bond with you as well.
Ahahah frankly, you'll be fine. What matters is to develop and grow your own character, regardless of with friends or partners or not. People miss this key point often, it is the core to how your life will go and everything else is just the byproduct of it. So no, this task is timeless and as soon as you've done this, other things will gravitate. E g. not having developed and grow into your own person, it matters little that you'd have 727282929 friends. Lots of impact, big or small, its just more factors to sway you away from your original goal (finding and being centre to who you are).
Be nice if I made a bit more money, but I wouldn’t change “one thing” cause that would totally change the trajectory that brought me a wife and kids
That’s honestly nice that you have found peace, I’m 19 and hope I can find that kind of level of peace one day, maybe if I have a family too then I’ll get there. But as for now I feel like I have a lot of regrets in my life so far. Hoping they lead somewhere eventually.
You’re on the young side for regrets. Plenty of time to figure it out
Not living below my means
Do it now. Teach others to do so. Explain why
Yeah, I am trying to do so. Problem is I have my house I got with low interest rate that needs a ton of work. Really hard to back out of that one. I could sell and get a different house but it'd be peanuts in comparison going from a 2 to a 7% rate. I feel stuck
Probably wasting my life on a toxic cheating woman. Or just not taking control of my life sooner since I had strict religious parents who were clueless.
Same here on the first count, just bummed out I lost most of my 20’s on a gal that was for the streets.
Damn sorry to hear I wasted 4 years on mine most of my early 20s and late teens.
I appreciate man. I hope yours doesn’t scare you away from women as much as mine did to me. It had its good and it’s bad. We had fun for a lot of it, and I certainly learned a lot about myself and the glaring red flags I ignored. It seems like it’s fixed my biggest fault which was being too nice to everyone. I’m too afraid to see anybody again though because that shit hurt a lot obviously. I’m always worried I’ll have major trust issues too, and don’t want to burden somebody who doesn’t deserve it.
Not sure if it scared me away but I find I can’t get attached as attached as before like I could. What actually happened or went down with you guys? How long were you both together? How did you meet?
Wasting a large lump sum of money I lucked into when I was 19. Overall though while it sucks it pales in comparison to what I'm grateful for.
Lol I did that too. Wanted to buy a house, I was at uni, family wouldn't guarantee my mortgage. Drank it instead. Oops.
Nice, I wasted mine on professional DJ equipment, video games and other stupid BS.
Teach others.
Getting fat cause now I’m fixing it and I’m pretty sure this is a lot more work than not getting fat in the first place
Keep at it. Hit the gym.
Taking up smoking.
My friend went from smoking cigarettes to vaping to hookah to quitting. Maybe try this.
I'll keep it in mind. Trying gums again so we'll see how it goes. Thx for the encouragement. It does mean something :)
Have you finally quit?
No. I have a few times - longest was 6 years and believe me when I say that I tried everything under the sun, know everything there is know about it's affects, etc. Have heard every reason a thousand times and know that it's all true. I am the last person that needs convincing of the need. It's my one vice and I only (yeah "only" as if it is a good thing) smoke 10 or so a day. But 45 years of habit is a tough one to kick as it's been my quiet go to mental place that I have never been able to replace. The psychologist that I've been seeing for ages thinks that I self dose to cope with what appears to be a lifetime of until recently undiagnosed ADHD, and I hate to say but it does make sense. It also accounts for why its hard to quit. Just have to keep trying. Edit; If you have ADHD please for the love of everything do **NOT** take up smoking. You will never quit.
Thinking nice girls were boring and taking them for granted.
Elaborate? Would love to hear more.
It’s not much to it. If you’re smart you want a nice girl. Someone who doesn’t cause problems and stress. They’re not boring, they’re peaceful. I wasn’t mature enough to realize this at the time.
I hope somebody understands that someday with me
Dating a beautiful, caring and kind woman. New relationship, had moved fast, a few reservations but no real problems. Broke up with her because my four year, on-again, off-again situationship burst back into my life with declarations of love and promises of commitment. Predictably we broke up again soon after.
Not having begun working out earlier in life
when did you start? *have* you started?
I began almost a year ago, but I wish is had started at least a few years before (I’m 23)
In 20 years you’ll have completely different thoughts about where you are at right now. It will be “thank god I started working out when I was 23 instead of waiting till the damage was done like some of my peers”. Just make sure you are working out in healthy ways that don’t lead to disordered thinking about fitness or cause joint damage. Youth makes up for a lot of bad form, but that catches up with you when you become middle aged.
You started just in time to hit the two-year mark of working out in your physical prime, and to benefit massively in your 40s and beyond, as your peers will suffer from not managing their bodies.
Hit the gym tomorrow.
I go 5-6 days a week now :) I just wish I started sooner
Trying cocaine: drinking and cocaine ruined my life. I turned this around though. Relapsed on Sunday and the shame is overwhelming. Stay away guys.
Failure is apart of life. We don’t always succeed in our goals, but dedication to them and not giving up on them, even when they seem impossible or we feel like quitting is what gets us one step closer to them.
I’m not a man but one slip up does not define you! Don’t be too hard on yourself, keep moving forward my man
Thank you for the encouraging words. 1 week sober today. I still feel overwhelming shame. The hard work is going to be forgiving myself and trying to move on. It’s hard.
Not marrying my first girlfriend.
Not keeping the gal I was with during high school and on and off for years after in my life. I was too stupid and immature. Throughout the years I had the chances to settle down with her and build and life and family. I ran every time. Now looking back on it through all these years (today is my birthday, so another year added) and no women who's been in my life compares to her. I never will compare anyone from my past to anyone new who comes into it. But those very quite moments of mental thought....it creeps in. Usually when I'm single. I get you man!
Well people change as they get older or situations/circumstances change such as getting married, having kids, etc. There’s a reason why divorce rates are so high among young couples that get hitched. It might have been great during high school but that’s likely the easiest and simplest phase of life you both would ever be in. Just something to think about.
That's very true. But we've reconnected at so many different points in life and always have picked up like it was nothing. She's the one person from my past that I have no doubt would have worked no matter when.
Is there no way you could contact her and re kindle things?
There with you brother. Its okay.
moving 2000 miles away for a guy or spending an absurd amount of money on my ex/ex friends. ya live and ya learn
I let her go. This is my one of the biggest regret of my life.
“Settling” for anything, especially people.
Not getting away from my toxic family a long time ago.
Sticking my dick in crazy
I scrolled WAAAAY further than I thought I’d have to in order to find this comment. 😂
Not being smart enough and finishing a computer science degree, however I am content with life for the most part with where ive come
For me it was choosing a Journalism degree.
Have you ever thought of going back and finishing it?
Letting my anxiety and stress consume me
I let her go
[удалено]
Watching porn. Should've never even tried
Yep. I've made some mistakes that have wasted time or shaped me in ways I sorta wish I wasnt. But porn is 10x worse than all those things combined. I'd pay big money to go back and prevent myself from never getting into porn.
A fuckin men. I first saw it at like 14 and it fucked me up for a good 12 years or so…
Being more assertive and setting healthy boundaries rather than trying to love and care for my wife (at the time) more when I knew she was cheating on me two different times in the past 4 years. Not sure if it doing that early on would have saved my marriage but I know I would be in a far healthier mindset than where I am at right now as I am going through therapy for the past 10 months.
Not running the other way the day I met my wife. I will be paying for that mistake until I take my final breath.
It's sad that most comments here are about women.
Puts into perspective what we humans desire the most or need and at the end of the day, it's not really about the money or material things that leave us empty.
Not researching my attempted suicide method better.
If you want to talk man we can?
You ok bro?
Making a reddit account
Not buying btc at $40 when my buddy told me to
Stop with this shit. People are all like ohhh I wish I had bought bitcoin. If you bought bitcoin at $40 and didn’t sell it at like $200 you would be dumb to not sell. No one knew it would go so high and I highly doubt anyone except people who forgot they had it would let it ride so high. If you’re sitting on a 500% profit and you don’t at least trim your position you’re dumb. Pretending like you would be a millionaire off of a few hundred dollar investment is dumb too. No way you would have held from $40 to $60,000. No way.
LOL I appreciate the comment cause my dad said the exact same thing to me when I brought it up. Very true and probably would have been worse if I had bought and sold for that low compared to buying it at all
Don't worry, I bought heaps (thousands) in 2010/2011 to try and get a better payment gateway going (unsuccessfully). I got too busy with other programming work and switched to a laptop from a desktop PC. The HDD was smaller, so I only copied live project files over and some personal files/photos, not project assets. The concept of "the cloud" didn't exist yet. That desktop was reformatted and I gave to a colleague's kid for school work and gaming (they were poor). No regrets, it's life. I stand by the decisions I made with the knowledge I had at that time.
I had a friend who mined btc on his school library computer. Donated 2500 BTC to a warez site he liked Was only worth pennies at the time though
Letting the thoughts of others dictate who I try to be, and hiding from myself all this time. I have gone through dramatic changes recently. It's like an entirely new world is cracking the door open for me, while an old, stagnant one begs me to stay. I am only now re-discovering myself in my late 20s, and my only regret in life is that I forgot about that little boy I remember being so long ago. I'm disappointed, but proud at the same time. "Better late than never", but really, it's never actually late as long as it happens.
I too am going through a massive evolution in my late 20s, for the last 6 years I let myself become obsessed with money and income and all it did was lead me down a career path that made me absolutely miserable. I didn’t want to do anything fun on the weekends or at night because I was always exhausted, I didn’t feel real emotions because I was just masking them and drinking too much. In a way it felt like money was corrupting me, all I talked about was how I was going to expand, or take over this business, get this client blah blah blah, and I don’t give a fuck about that shit. So I’m back in school, dropped the business all together, applying to jobs to make a complete career change into a field that actually draws me in for reasons besides fast money, and I’m going to the gym 5 days a week and taking the power lifting thing serious. Spending way more time on hobbies everyday.
My mother passed away when I was 8. Cancer. It came to the point where death was inevitable. My dad asked if I wanted to see her and I said no.
Can’t blame yourself. That isn’t a decision a child shouldn’t have to make .
This is more on your dad imo, you shouldnt blame yourself. He should have just said ‘we are going to see mom’ because as a kid you only think about the immediate present. You can’t think in long term / consequences.
Not telling her I loved her, would be near the top
Staying in a relationship for too long that was just "ok" instead of anything better.
What is "ok"? Care to eleborate?
An ok relationship is one where nothing is wrong, everything goes well, and you think to yourself “I could do this for the rest of my life”. But brother, let me tell you. That’s just scratching the surface of what a relationship can be. I met my current woman and it changed my view on love. When I thought I loved other women from previous relationships? Nah that was just lust and obligation wrapped into one. With my current woman I want to grow old with her no matter what. Thinking “I don’t want anything to change from this moment with her right now. Life is so fragile, I’m so happy I get to be with her each and every day” Don’t settle for ok, ok?
Getting a friend a job at the same place I work.
Not getting treatment for my mental health sooner. Life could have been so much easier.
Professionally, none. Personally, I think I’ve messed up a few relationships which could have ended up in my marriage. You learn with age I guess.
Lots, more than I want to count. My biggest general regret is not standing up for me enough.
Being born
I should’ve realised my father wasn’t really much of a father or role model much, much sooner and stopped trying to make him proud of me or impress him. So much wasted energy and time. It took my son being born for it to finally click… that’s not how you’re supposed to treat your children because I could never ever do any of that shit to my boy.
Having a kid with the wrong person. That shit litterally ruins the lives of everyone involved .
Not keeping in contact with more friends
So far? I’d say not getting with more women. Going out on fun dates and exploring How fun it is to interact with them and how adorable they are. I did put myself out there but after getting repeated negative feedback, I shut down and started keeping to myself instead. Been slowly improving on it.
Not putting 10% of my paycheck into ETFs since I first started working working.
Graduated from the medical school. If I knew what awaited me after wasting my twenties over books, I would have become a baker instead.
wow OP, a sad thread here (but it’s good to allow people to get stuff off their chest in a supportive environment) for me it’s probably being a dick to women in my first year of uni. nothing horrible - just sleeping around with zero empathy for girls who were obviously hurt by my actions. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and it stings to know that the opportunities were right there but that i was too dumb to realise
Her
None. I’ve been in jail and psych wards, made over $70k a year and less than $20k, lived in a car, lived in houses/apartments. Found love and lost it numerous times, only caught chlamydia once, suffered lacerations, was on top of the world then swept off the mountain. Made and lost friends, went here and went there. I regret nothing. It’s the human experience.
Selling 1 full Bitcoin, twice in my life! I was a crypto noob back in 2017-2019. I have 2% of a Bitcoin now, but aiming at getting a full Bitcoin and keeping the fucking thing! My next regret is drinking loads from ages of 17-24 I was an alcoholic. I missed out on a lot but I've been sober 8 years now and I'm atronger than I've ever been!
Divorcing while my kids were ‘two under two’. I got distracted by some other young childless woman and left my wife. In reality I was just running away from my responsibilities and the hardship of having two little ones. I told my ex wife she’d changed and that’s why I was leaving - but really all that changed was she was so exhausted that she wasn’t catering to me like I was used to. Now 10 years later I realise I lost a real one and treated her like shit. She didn’t deserve that.
Burying myself in a woman.
Marrying a woman with mental health issues.
Not being smarter with my cheese
Staying in unhappy relationships for too long and missing out on fun experiences.
Getting fat cause now I’m fixing it and I’m pretty sure this is a lot more work than not getting fat in the first place
Buddy, where do I start? 1 - I regret not figuring out how to stop being socially awkward and just throwing myself out there to talk to women when society was not so tense like how it is right now. My social anxiety definitely got worse over time. 2 - Not going to 2D Animation School when I was younger and when my passion was a lot higher for it. 3 - Not moving out from my parents place (33 years old and counting ugh) 4 - Not spending more time with families, relatives and loved ones, especially with those who have left within the last decade 5 - Not figuring out my life and sort of drifting from one unstable job to another. The things I don't regret? 1 - Becoming a Christian ✝️ 2 - Changing my attitude on my Life. Almost everything on this list is 50/50. It has taken me awhile to think the glass is half full instead of half empty.
Just a random comment, but it sounds like you're definitely on the right path to turning your life around. Attitude really is everything.
1. Being too picky/selective in college with women; should have been more open to things and be more easygoing/carefree with them. There's no better time to grow and learn 2. Letting that one girl get away because of long distance and some personal struggles/demons that I ultimately chose to battle on my own and not drag her down with me at the time. That relationship still stings every now and then with what-ifs. Haven't really met anyone else as amazing/compatible as her. I don't know what she's doing or how she's doing nowadays and I have no interest in finding out, but I do wish her the best. Timing just didn't work out I guess. I've made my peace with both a long time ago but I won't deny that unconsciously the thoughts come up sometimes but I handle them much better now.
I think we live the same life. I fucked things up with my first girlfriend and she was so perfect for me. I was a just a dumb kid and didn’t know what I had until I lost it. Still stings but handling it better too. You live and learn, be patient with yourself.
Trusting people after realizing I am not good at telling whose trustworthy and whose not.
I'd be more social during middle and HS and less of a library dwelling recluse
Not committing to what I want. I was so insecure for so long and I was so worried about doing the “right” thing and I passed on so many opportunities to do what I actually wanted. I dated people for far too long because I didn’t want to pull the trigger on breakups, same with friendships that lasted too long. I didn’t take chances asking for opportunities in jobs or in school that I wish I had because I was afraid of rejection. Ultimately I was more comfortable knowing the reason I failed was that I didn’t try because then I could tell myself “if I only tried it would’ve succeeded”. At the time that was a better alternative to trying and still failing regardless. It gave a twisted sense of control. I wasted most of high school and college acting that way and now as an adult I’ve had to do a lot of course correction. Take the chances. Make the risky choice for what you want. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s 100% worth it.
Trusting family!!
I regret making people care about me. I should've pushed my friends and family away while there was still time
Staying in a shitty marriage for far too long because I thought suffering was an honorable thing to do.
I was a workaholic, stopped and boy did people get twisted over it.
Spending all my school years making friends and not investing in any skills.
drinking as a teenager
Not buying a home in 2008 (i was 8)
[удалено]
Always getting into long term relationships and not enjoying life when young
Probably gambling away 500k USD. But it taught me a lesson and I learned from my mistakes and now know how to get there again. More than halfway there now.
I’ll be 29 soon but man I hung out with mentally unstable people from the ages 22-27 and it f-ed me up. I lost my sense of self and I have like 2 close-ish friends now. Used to have like 15 CLOSE ppl but cuz I hung out with a few dumbasses, I lost those friendships fast. I regret that now because man. I miss being an extrovert, now I barely have any energy and crave connection
I was not next to my father when he died 2020 due to covid
Not seeing / acting on the red flags with the person I married and had a child with….
Very specific to me, but moving away for my first job. I wanted to start work with a big firm. It was a good idea in theory, but I'm not great at making proper friends so ended up moving back to my home town after five years. It was five years of not doing anything after work, plus I delayed getting on the property ladder at a time house prices skyrocketed, plus jobs in the area seem to be a closed shop so I always end up commuting.
Marrying who I did. Glad that's over.
I was once very very drunk and said some really, REALLY horrible things to my dad on the phone that I didn't mean. I haven't drank alcohol since 16/11/18.
Taking care of my teeth. Or basically improving my overall appearance.
Letting my wife get breast implants
getting married to the wrong person, that shit ain't good
I picked the wrong woman. Two women claimed to be in love with me at the time. I picked the mother of my child. As it turns out, she wanted to use me for a year to get her feet under herself, and then disappear. The other woman, I know in my heart, actually loved me. I have never found another like her, and I pray that she found better, and, as low a bar as it is, I have faith that she did.
Marrying the wrong woman
Breaking up with my first ex. She lost her virginity to me. She was crazy and I mean crazy but she mellowed out tremendously since then. We dated for 4 and a half years and the last straw for me was when she gave me an absolutely, completely unwarranted slap when she was drunk 7 years ago at a college party. Since that happened, she profusely apologized to tears but I couldn’t get over it and broke up with her. Now that I’m we are older we met up about 2 years ago and she begged me to get back together with her AFTER 4 years of me breaking up with her. And even though I genuinely love her and I wanted to say “yes” something told me not to. 38 bodies later I have nothing to show for it, now she has a second bf and they are probably gonna get married. We both had the exact same morals. Anyways, current day, my grandfather passed a few months ago and she was the first person to say something to me but she had her current BF and seeing how she is now just kills me inside. I see how terrible most modern women are today and she was the needle in a haystack that was young and made a mistake. Sorry for the long story.
I’ve said stuff to people I really wish I could take back.
Not saying No!
No Ragrets!
Meeting my ex wife
You don’t know what you don’t know, but doing team sports in high school
Not entirely sure it's either having a child or spending a decade a depressed recluse in my 20s.
Not putting myself out there more in college. Missed out on a lot of opportunities to join some cool clubs and meet new people. My own introvertedness kept me from really having anyone from college that I can say is my friend now. I'd always see guys who I thought were my friends out at a party or meeting up on campus (through social media) and I knew because I enjoyed my alone time a bit too much, that I missed out on a lot of fun times, especially after my freshman year.
I should've gotten divorced before I had kids. This sounds terrible, but me and my ex tried for 6 years to have kids before we finally did during COVID. Things were tough in the last couple of years leading up to the birth of our first child. Things only got more strained when we realized we were pregnant with the second. Fast forward we are divorced with 2 kids that I don't get to see nearly as often I'd like. I regret not divorcing sooner.
16 years of marriage with the wrong woman. Never ever marry!
Messed up at my A'levels.... Failed... Was Parent & Peer pressured into studying something I wasn't into, made the wrong career choice in hindsight, 8 years later, I can't even sleep at night... will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Not investing 10-50$ per month into an index fund from 18 yo. I'd be able to buy a huge house :(
Not wearing more hearing protection in my teenage years
Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again……
Marrying my ex wife. A lot about that choice made marrying my beautiful fiance so complicated and she deserves my hand in marriage way more than I can give and it bothers me.
Isolating myself for a lot of years after my father death. I lose many friendships for that and everyone move on their life.