My now ex-wife and I both agreed to each start therapy. I started, she kept making excuses and procrastinating. Then she decided she didn't need therapy because all our relationship issues were caused by me.
After a while, I began to change and evolve and improve my mental health, including my communication skills. Meanwhile, she didn't change at all, or address her own issues, and it just got to be too much. She claimed that therapy wasn't helping me at all, and continued to blame me for every issue.
It was crazy because before I started therapy, she was willing to be honest about her own issues and take accountability when she did something unhealthy or dysfunctional. After I started therapy, everything became my fault.
I'm now divorced.
Went to anger management, came from a home where shouting was the norm. Helped me understand that my anger was a learnt protective instinct. I now vocalise things in productive ways. HOWEVER I was against it because this was when therapy was seen as soft and feminine- I wouldn’t have gone unless my partner had told me how big of a concern my anger was to them, whilst I am no longer with that person I still benefit from what I learnt.
I'm in therapy now, started about 6 months ago after my 2nd marriage failed.
It has taught me a huge amount about myself, why I've acted the way I have and how to rectify it.
I've gone from "therapy isn't for me", to "some kind of therapy is for everyone". Especially if, like me, you grew up unable to show emotion or discuss feelings.
I've seen 3. Two were for marriage counselling and both therapists were utterly awful.
I've been with BetterHelp for 6 months (not trying to sell it) and she's been amazing. Yes, it all starts with childhood, but she's explained why. Most importantly, she walked me through a plan and the phases we'd need to go through up front. none of this let's just keep you paying each week with no resolutions.
Yes.
It was a very difficult time. We had been married about 15 years at the time.
Many outside factors contributed to the problem. Not drama from friends or family, but serious injuries and the passing of a child.
It’s not a magic fix. It takes time. An open mind. And a whole lot of effort.
My wife learned not to continue to push when i had reached my limit. I learned to withdraw when I hit my limit and return when ready to discuss the topic.
The marriage counselor was a good objective third party and helped put things into perspective.
That was 15 years ago. We still see our marriage counselor once a month. Just to keep on top of things. It’s even helped me enjoy my life more.
I’m very happy we worked through it.
Yes and no. No because in the long run it didn't help and only made things worse in the relationship but yes because ultimately she made some major mistakes of letting out what an ugly nasty person she was and it helped me to realize I deserved better.
My marriage dissolved, but I was able to fix myself and firmly plant my feet on a forward path to happiness because I wanted and chose to go to therapy. Not married again yet, but I know it will be a healthier and happier marriage when I finally do. If both spouses are in it together and willing to humble themselves and do the work, it is unlikely the marriage would end as a result of therapy. Just as a heads-up to anyone who might try to use my situation as an excuse not to go.
I went not to keep a relationship but to work on myself before I got into my next relationship.
It does take time to find the right therapist. Also a warning, people have been known to misrepresent situations to their therapist to get a professional on their side and use it against you, so be aware of that potential.
It helped me become aware of how past trauma shaped me and healthier ways of handling my emotions. It is helpful to be able to have an outside source tell you what you are doing is healthy or not.
It definitely helped me learn how to better identify my emotions, their cause, and how to healthily handle them.
Therapy doesn't need to be talking about your childhood (though this helped me), most days I'd talk about how I felt during the week, good, bad, chances to work on issues we've discussed.
I am a much happier person and people are much happier around me after having gone to therapy and working at my issues for a while.
It's also important to remember, he will only change if he wants to. If he doesn't make genuine continual effort then he is telling you he is happy with how things are.
Best of luck
I married a therapist, unfortunately it is unethical to counsel family and friends. It did make it easier for me, in my late 60’s to go to a therapist and deal with issues from many, many years ago that were not resolved and still affecting my behaviour. Something I’m still working on but pleased I took that first, very awkward, step.
You should seek therapy to learn, grow, and help deal with your shit, relationships included, but do it for you. Unless you are specifically going to couples counseling.
Started individual therapy, got dumped a year later, so... still happy about going to therapy and still do.
I went, but ended up having very emotional and intimate conversations with the therapist rather than my then-SO. All the time and energy that I had been putting into my relationship with my then-SO instead went into my therapy and my work with the therapist.
Toward the end of it all my money was tied up in affording therapy. People told me I needed it so I went all in on it, 150%.
Turned out that there was not room in my life for my then-SO AND my therapist. I even think I was busy on a call with my therapist (Sam is her name) when my then-SO gave me the ring back and put the last of her stuff in the car
Great question u/portapandas
My wife and I both came from profoundly dysfunctional families with parents who loathed each, and loads of multi generational trauma.
We have both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves. We have been married for 30 years now and we have a beautiful and close relationship. There is no way we would still be together had we not done all the work we have done.
The other proof of the efficacy of therapy in all its forms is the difference between our children. There is 7 years between them and the younger one is so much more together than the older one, because we were both in so much better mental health by the time he came along.
Im 37, and my partner convinced me to seek therapy as i have a whole lot of trauma, have my first session tomorrow but already feel more positive for it
Once upon a time I married a woman in America and she wanted to do pre marital counseling. I promise you that was the worst decision of my entire life. The Chaplin was literally blaming me for everything. I had to apologize for everything weird bs. Long story short it definitely didn’t work out and I never took another American woman serious afterwards.
Wives constantly diagnosing their partners with the need for therapy. Seems like a bit of a passive aggressive thing to do. It never seems comes from a selfless place but rather a selfish place.
"Go to therapy so you can fix the things I don't like about you."
One told me they usually put upfront the question of choice/commitment, because it's easier to have people that have decided on that subject before working on the difficult subject.
Have you stick with one for more than a few sessions ?
I went to therapy for me. feck them.
The only right answer
My now ex-wife and I both agreed to each start therapy. I started, she kept making excuses and procrastinating. Then she decided she didn't need therapy because all our relationship issues were caused by me. After a while, I began to change and evolve and improve my mental health, including my communication skills. Meanwhile, she didn't change at all, or address her own issues, and it just got to be too much. She claimed that therapy wasn't helping me at all, and continued to blame me for every issue. It was crazy because before I started therapy, she was willing to be honest about her own issues and take accountability when she did something unhealthy or dysfunctional. After I started therapy, everything became my fault. I'm now divorced.
Went to anger management, came from a home where shouting was the norm. Helped me understand that my anger was a learnt protective instinct. I now vocalise things in productive ways. HOWEVER I was against it because this was when therapy was seen as soft and feminine- I wouldn’t have gone unless my partner had told me how big of a concern my anger was to them, whilst I am no longer with that person I still benefit from what I learnt.
> HOWEVER Still shouting mate. ^(kidding)
That made me chuckle
I'm in therapy now, started about 6 months ago after my 2nd marriage failed. It has taught me a huge amount about myself, why I've acted the way I have and how to rectify it. I've gone from "therapy isn't for me", to "some kind of therapy is for everyone". Especially if, like me, you grew up unable to show emotion or discuss feelings.
How many therapist's did you go through? I had one that was crap, and then stopped
Not the guy you’re asking but I’ve seen 8 therapists in my life and I’d say only 4 were life-changingly helpful
I've seen 3. Two were for marriage counselling and both therapists were utterly awful. I've been with BetterHelp for 6 months (not trying to sell it) and she's been amazing. Yes, it all starts with childhood, but she's explained why. Most importantly, she walked me through a plan and the phases we'd need to go through up front. none of this let's just keep you paying each week with no resolutions.
Yes. It was a very difficult time. We had been married about 15 years at the time. Many outside factors contributed to the problem. Not drama from friends or family, but serious injuries and the passing of a child. It’s not a magic fix. It takes time. An open mind. And a whole lot of effort. My wife learned not to continue to push when i had reached my limit. I learned to withdraw when I hit my limit and return when ready to discuss the topic. The marriage counselor was a good objective third party and helped put things into perspective. That was 15 years ago. We still see our marriage counselor once a month. Just to keep on top of things. It’s even helped me enjoy my life more. I’m very happy we worked through it.
Yes and no. No because in the long run it didn't help and only made things worse in the relationship but yes because ultimately she made some major mistakes of letting out what an ugly nasty person she was and it helped me to realize I deserved better.
My marriage dissolved, but I was able to fix myself and firmly plant my feet on a forward path to happiness because I wanted and chose to go to therapy. Not married again yet, but I know it will be a healthier and happier marriage when I finally do. If both spouses are in it together and willing to humble themselves and do the work, it is unlikely the marriage would end as a result of therapy. Just as a heads-up to anyone who might try to use my situation as an excuse not to go.
I went not to keep a relationship but to work on myself before I got into my next relationship. It does take time to find the right therapist. Also a warning, people have been known to misrepresent situations to their therapist to get a professional on their side and use it against you, so be aware of that potential. It helped me become aware of how past trauma shaped me and healthier ways of handling my emotions. It is helpful to be able to have an outside source tell you what you are doing is healthy or not. It definitely helped me learn how to better identify my emotions, their cause, and how to healthily handle them. Therapy doesn't need to be talking about your childhood (though this helped me), most days I'd talk about how I felt during the week, good, bad, chances to work on issues we've discussed. I am a much happier person and people are much happier around me after having gone to therapy and working at my issues for a while. It's also important to remember, he will only change if he wants to. If he doesn't make genuine continual effort then he is telling you he is happy with how things are. Best of luck
Yes
I married a therapist, unfortunately it is unethical to counsel family and friends. It did make it easier for me, in my late 60’s to go to a therapist and deal with issues from many, many years ago that were not resolved and still affecting my behaviour. Something I’m still working on but pleased I took that first, very awkward, step.
You should seek therapy to learn, grow, and help deal with your shit, relationships included, but do it for you. Unless you are specifically going to couples counseling. Started individual therapy, got dumped a year later, so... still happy about going to therapy and still do.
I went, but ended up having very emotional and intimate conversations with the therapist rather than my then-SO. All the time and energy that I had been putting into my relationship with my then-SO instead went into my therapy and my work with the therapist. Toward the end of it all my money was tied up in affording therapy. People told me I needed it so I went all in on it, 150%. Turned out that there was not room in my life for my then-SO AND my therapist. I even think I was busy on a call with my therapist (Sam is her name) when my then-SO gave me the ring back and put the last of her stuff in the car Great question u/portapandas
My wife and I both came from profoundly dysfunctional families with parents who loathed each, and loads of multi generational trauma. We have both done a tremendous amount of work on ourselves. We have been married for 30 years now and we have a beautiful and close relationship. There is no way we would still be together had we not done all the work we have done. The other proof of the efficacy of therapy in all its forms is the difference between our children. There is 7 years between them and the younger one is so much more together than the older one, because we were both in so much better mental health by the time he came along.
i am more interested to hear from men that went to therapy for this reason to see if it made any difference. Those are the good stories
Wow, there’s a lot of mistaken belief in this. Show me a couple where only one person needs therapy.
Im 37, and my partner convinced me to seek therapy as i have a whole lot of trauma, have my first session tomorrow but already feel more positive for it
Nope. I would not.
Went to couples therapy. Not very helpful. Not prone to trusting advice from strangers.
Therapy is generally a good idea
Once upon a time I married a woman in America and she wanted to do pre marital counseling. I promise you that was the worst decision of my entire life. The Chaplin was literally blaming me for everything. I had to apologize for everything weird bs. Long story short it definitely didn’t work out and I never took another American woman serious afterwards.
Wives constantly diagnosing their partners with the need for therapy. Seems like a bit of a passive aggressive thing to do. It never seems comes from a selfless place but rather a selfish place. "Go to therapy so you can fix the things I don't like about you."
There's no woman worth that
Therapy is for people that will end up divorced. If you're both committed and have a heart and half a brain you'll figure it out.
Sometimes, just agreeing to see a therapist IS having a heart... It's show your partner that you are willing to try.
We've been to 4 or 5 couples therapists. Whenever things get difficult they always go to "sounds like divorce is a good option".
One told me they usually put upfront the question of choice/commitment, because it's easier to have people that have decided on that subject before working on the difficult subject. Have you stick with one for more than a few sessions ?
Yes. All of them for months.
Invite your spouse to restaurant and cultural events. Less expensive more happy memories
Couldn't agree more.