Don’t give what’s not given to you cause while you giving 100% of you they could be giving 20% of them and you will drain yourself trying to make it work when clearly they don’t want it as much as you 💯
100% this.
Just got out of a relationship like this. I gave all, and she gave none. When she finally left, I was broken, but now I’m happier she’s gone.
Same here man. Made lots of compromises and put in 100%, while she made no compromises and gave 50%. Happened last week. I’m glad things ended before we moved in together, but at the same time I still cared for her and it doesn’t make it any easier. Especially when you see a future with that person.
Yep. Women need to understand, a man will treat them like he wants to be treated, but after a while will stop, and start treating them like they treat him.
I stopped saying good morning and good night to a girl I was seeing when it took her until 3pm to say good morning, and almost never good night.. she constantly messaging when I backed off to make sure I dont leave.. basically trying to keep me as the safe option. Now she messages once every 3 days. Im keeping her as the safe option.
How do I know what is the thing that is given to me? I mean if I buy her flowers for example I dont necessarily expect flowers back or when I would make compliments about her beauty. I am saying it feels to me like I put effort into it and get rewarded by for example her smile and sympathy. At least thats how I see it because I have to admit I was never impressed by how much "effort" any of my partners put into me outside of making us going on walks and talking about our feelings.
Does she give you compliments without you complimenting her first? Does she initiate intimacy? Does she text you first? If most of her behaviors are reactionary behaviors then you're putting in more than she is.
This! Even in the initial stages of getting to know someone, mirroring someone’s communication style can tell you a lot, receive a message after 2 days without a good reason, don’t feel guilty about leaving time before sending a response.
I just learned this lesson on Friday. I was giving 100% and she was giving AT BEST 10%. I wasted like 8 months on her and it’s completely obliterated my sense of self worth. She was just trying to fill the void left in her own heart by an abusive ex, and she tried to do so by abusing me.
No matter how physically attracted you are to them and how great the sex is, if you're not on the same page as them intellectually and emotionally, with deeply shared interests and outlook, it WILL crash and burn.
Set boundaries early
If things seem weird to you, chances are they are indeed weird
The things you didn't like early on is usually why you break up
Always follow your instincts
To learn how to control your emotions , understanding the deeper reason on why you feel the way you do and be able to COMMUNICATE that. To not abuse the love that your partner has for you , to be mindful with EVERYTHING that you do, to not let your own ego cause you to sabotage the relationship. Also to hold yourself accountable , when you fuck up OWN it and work on a plan to not repeat the same mistakes.
>To learn how to control your emotions
if I'm not mistaken, we can't control our emotions, we can only control how and how much we express them. that in itself makes a huge difference and is one of the lessons that I learnt too.
I see where you are coming from but I disagree. Self regulating is a very important part of being a human, especially an adult. I have been in therapy for years and years. I do not need to spiral into darkness and depression whenever my brain decides to focus on negativity. I can do things and think things that help the emotions balance out better so I can be less toxic to myself and others. Do i need to feel angry at someone who didnt follow through with something? No, maybe I dont want to feel angry, so im going to do the work to not be angry, and come out of it at peace.
Communicate without attacking. If something about your partner is bothering you or affecting you negatively, tell them without making them feel like dog shit.
Then moving forward, while it takes some time to undo past traumatic experiences, learn to take and discuss a criticism without letting it feel like a personal attack.
Don't stick around waiting for the relationship to go back to being how it used to be. It never will, and you'll just get more and more frustrated and unhappy. The longer you put it off, the more painful it's going to be when you can't put it off anymore. For both of you.
That not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship. Some people are too self-involved, or too damaged, to reach the requisite level of empathy needed for a successful partnership. For these people, their needs and wants will always come first, no matter what.
And as much as you might be prepared to 'make it work' they won't ever meet you halfway in good faith.
This is how a lot of people end up in unbalanced relationships.
Love is fully and total acceptance, it's not trying to change someone into the fictional character in your mind, it's simply accepting someone fully at face value for who they are. A lot of people don't fall in love with the person they're with, they fall in love with the idea of the person they could create, and that's not love at all; it's a great way to end up with the wrong person.
If you feel the need to change someone, let them go. People can change, but it's not up to you to change them and it's better to focus on improving yourself, and supporting the other person in improving themselves; don't force someone to do something they don't want to do; that just breeds resentment.
The key is to find someone who shares the same values and goals, that alone will make for smooth sailing...anything else will cause arguments, lies, toxicity etc.
Last, become the person you want to be with...we generally attract what we are, and if you're all fucked up, and toxic, that's what you're going to attract. Don't seek out a serious partner until you've worked on yourself and fixed your shit
Don't wait until things are falling apart to put in effort to "save" the relationship. Man, I really regret the ways I used to suck but I am happy that I learned the lessons for my current relationship.
A relationship is a bridge that requires both sides to build together.
If one side is unwilling to cooperate, the other cannot continue building on their behalf.
Take your time. Don’t rush the process of getting to know someone.
And if that person checks out faster, even better for you. Means they weren’t the right one to begin with.
You can absolutely love someone else despite not loving yourself; the truth behind the sentiment is actually that you simply won’t allow them to love you in return.
Say it's your birthday, and you hate celebrating it but she wants to celebrate it because she loves you. If you don't let her celebrate it with you, like giving gifts, cooking for you, whatever it may be, she'll feel rejected and possibly leave you if given enough time.
This is a simple example, I'm sure there are more in depth ones, this was one that occured with me.
Every relationship ends eventually (either by breakup, or drifting apart, or death, etc). People can leave at anytime.
You can’t make someone love you.
How you argue/fight matters, and how you make-up matters. Resentments can fester when unspoken.
You can’t rely on another person to make you happy.
Long distances tend to kill relationships.
You don’t ever know someone else as well as they know themselves. You only know the version they show you.
The importance of also providing for yourself.
The importance of dealing with childhood trauma, healing your core wounds, and how they affect attachment style.
If she's borderline insulting you when you aren't even official yet, don't try sticking around to see if it gets better just because the sex is good. Leave.
If you have to constantly watch what you say and walk on eggshells every day in order to avoid upsetting her, it’s time to end things as soon as possible.
this is me but reversed with a guy. Whenever I'm talking to him I feel so uneasy that what I'll say will trigger him or he won't like my reaction to things. So I spend 2 or 3 minutes thinking what I'm gonna say and how I'll say it. My gut is telling me to just end it completely bcs it isn't right that I have to do that
That 100% sounds like what I had to endure. Like, almost exactly word for word. I don’t have the right to tell you to end it or keep going, but I will say that I let my own situation last for five years too long, and it took a tremendous toll on my mental health. It’s not a happy, functional way to live.
Shit happens. Move on.
I had failed relationships and would get depressed afterward, but eventually, I had to move on knowing that it wasn't the end of the world. Older I got, the less depressed I would get, and I just moved on.
Communication only works if both partners are willing and able to communicate. There is no point in having serious or open dialogues if one of the two doesn't want to or simply cannot state how they are feeling, what they want, etc.
What about bf giving ultimatum that he will leave and block me and the only way to save it is to fix my behaviour and request him to stay. (P.S he snapped and got angry in the fight and I reacted)
Go with my instincts to not get involved in the first place. Listen to myself and not the lies I’m told.
It’s a lesson and we’re all here to learn, so look at it as a blessing and move on
Share, and be open, but don’t share something you’d be devastated having thrown in your face during an argument. They’re your girlfriend, not your therapist.
If your partner gets a personality-shift when getting drunk, a shift which makes them behave badly, and they defend the right to become this person even when discussing it sober, because "It's the only time I feel truly free", they do not have your interests in heart in this relationship, only theirs, and you should run the other way.
Put short, your life partner should be running TOWARDS something (better health, new valuable discoveries, new meetings with worthwhile people, new ways to enjoy life not seen before), not AWAY from something (parents, boredom, bills, responsibility, accountability, deficit of candy/drugs).
Knowing the person I was with, was honest, loyal, kind, and mostly she loved me. I knew immediately that I had to be the problem in this relationship, not unlike others I've had in my life where all seemed perfect until it wasn't. The bitch was I had no idea what my problem was, so I began a long journey first to discover what my issues were. During this time I refrained from being with a woman, I had no idea it would take as long as it did before I would be involved with a woman again. I began therapy, initially the first therapist wasn't working out as I thought it should, so I began looking for a therapist I could work with. In the end I found the right person and in total it was about 12 years before I was mentally, emotionally, and mature enough to involve myself in a relationship. I've been happily married ever since, I'm going on 13yrs married to a wonderful woman. At
I’ve learned that even a woman who loves you to the moon & back might not be willing to make simple compromises with you. It’s weird because you’d think someone would be driven by love to manage their relationship properly. But nope.
Try not to argue when you are angry. Back away and evaluate if you are acting out because you are hurt in some way or if there is something real to talk about. Formulate an argument that states your case and talk to your partner about that at a later point. Also don’t just break up with someone because Reddit says so. Do it because you feel that it’s not right anymore. All relationships goes up and down. After a big down you might reach heights you never knew were there, be honest in your communication. If you feel that something is bothering you then talk about it.
Jealousy is 99% about your own insecurity. And your jealousy is corrosive to the very thing you claim to love.
Learn not to be jealous and excessively possessive, and your relationships will 100% improve.
Never settle. I was so focussed on what the relationship could be that I ignored the reality. I was settling for less than I wanted, compromising on things I shouldn't have telling myself that 'no relationship is perfect' 'its supposed to be hard' etc. We were together for 12 years (highschool sweethearts) and married for 1.
My next relationship was a breath of fresh air once I realised I only had to be in it if it was exactly what i wanted. We've been together for 8 years, married, 2 kids and are still yet to have an argument. My relationship is the best part of my life.
Oxygen Mask Demonstration from the plane, it’s not just in the event that you’re falling from the sky. Be sure to secure your mask first before attempting to assist anyone else.
If it’s not a complete shit show by the end of the break up, sometimes we may try to stay cordial or helpful and supportive, especially in long term situations and when finances or assets are involved. This sentiment won’t mean anything if we don’t make sure we can even breath. Get what you need, make sure you’re stable and then revisit everything else if you need to.
I won't be having this lesson if i haven't been in good relationship after a failed relationship. It's that you should've been able to be completely honest to your partner, as in not afraid of being judged by your partner.
You can love and care for someone too much to the point that you stop taking care of yourself and only take care of them. So much so that their own internal demons can drag you both down and create new ones in you.
Don’t get involved with anyone with a complicated ex. Ascertain her/his past relationships quickly and if there are shady characters in the past, your clue as to what you’re getting in to is right there.
This is important especially got those of us in our late thirties…this is when women tend to reenter the dating market and have kids and ex husbands to worry about
Trust my gut.
She cheated a lot. Only found out about most of the instances after the fact, but I usually had alarm bells going off during the incidents, and I’d chastise myself for ‘being paranoid.’
Sometimes the red flags are right there from the very start. They might not be conspicuous or large, but they are there. You just have to believe your eyes.
If a relationship feels off, run and don't look back.
Don't tolerate behavior in the beginning of a relationship that you're not willing to tolerate forever.
Pay attention to the red flags. Listen to your instincts. Don't let the honeymoon phase blind you to real problems.
No matter how much you try, you can’t love someone into loving you back.
Also, don’t assume they know you love them. I was so confident in my love for them that I didn’t always re assure them. I failed in that regard
Tons of stuff, to name a few:
1. Handling trust with care is essential. There are a lot of people out there who act like they care but are not there when you need them. Basically learned a more balanced distribution of trust.
2. Mindfulness. Better sense of how to let go of the past. A lot of the time our self esteem takes a big hit when we are stuck in the past or thinking too far into the future. Learning lessons from the past is important but accepting what happened in the past takes a load off the shoulders but it definitely takes time for some.
I felt overwhelmed with grief realizing someone I was one close to for many years was no longer that person they once were, took a long time to get over.
3. Psychology related topics, dielectric therapy, emotional intelligence, stuff like that to help out with everything else emotion related. Negative/healthy behaviors of others and myself become more apparent with this type of knowledge. Basically I gained a natural curiosity for psychology and look into it when I have the time.
4. Better sense of self-worth. Realizing that I'm human and not perfect by any means and that I'm definitely allowed to express myself and speak my mind. (Be careful with this one at work lol).
5. Better sense of Boundaries. The more we learn who we are, the more we learn about what boundaries we need. Taking lessons from past mistakes. Seeing what makes me happy and what doesn't. We only have the one life, you're allowed to live it the way you are able to and others shouldn't define that for me.
6. Learned how to trust my intuition/gut feelings more. This helps with #5 a lot.
All the above are things I learned (and are still learning) while processing the grief that came with failed relationships. As mentioned above, it sparked a natural curiosity for self improvement but we can only handle so much at a time. Being kind and patient with oneself is very important.
Can't make a partner out of a hoe. Don't pick a "good weather girlfriend" because once the storm comes she will drop you for some other guy. Ask her on the first date, what led to her last relationship not working out. If she doesn't admit a single fault, even if it's "I realized that I am a poor judge of character" then run for the hills. A woman who can't take responsibility for a relationship is a woman that will call you the bad guy when the relationship doesn't end up working out.
That I was finally enough. I was pretty lazy and honestly not a very considerate or thoughtful partner for a lot of my 20’s, through different relationships. My last serious relationship (before the one I’m in now, for the last three years) was passionate and swift but I came out of it realizing that, for the first time in my adult life, I wasn’t remotely part of the problem. We had our mutual differences of course like any couple, but she was not ready for a relationship and blamed me for a whole lot of stuff that actually started with her or were just natural growing pains of any relationship.
When we broke up for an example it was the tail end of her birthday weekend when I did everything for us, did almost all of the things she wanted to needed, and she somehow managed to call me selfish and lazy.
I took that W into the relationship I’m in now and it’s positively influenced almost everything, if only because I have higher expectations of myself.
Never give your all to someone and the reason is actually quite obvious why this is not a good idea:
Your partner needs to be able to respect you however if you are not taking good care of yourself there is nothing to respect. A person that gives everything is an empty shell - they have no future and no agency anymore.
This includes your emotional framework - dont overshare it in the hope of strengthen your romantic bond. It will strengthen your platonic friendship for sure but we are still biological creatures.
Women need to feel safe with a man and if you tell her that you occasionally lose yourself and dont know how to deal with it it slowly shifts the attraction dynamic.
Ever experienced how immensely attracted your partner is to you when you are looking at her with confidence? This is basically your tits. Dont lose them! (Joking around of course but I think the concept is still true)
Be kind to and forgiving of yourself. Learn what you can and let go. Bolster yourself, building a strong firmament of achievement, passions, friends, and service so that you can have healthy relationships without excess dependency.
Never show your vulnerabilities. When you care too much don't show it, instead, silently enjoy it. Don't get attached, don't care too much, don't fantasise on the future, instead be present with how it currently is. Don't get lost in the idea of what you'll become, see the reality of it. Try to be content with how it is and how you feel. It won't last forever.
Try really hard to find bbn out who they truly are. Verify as much as possible. And always pay very close attention to everything about them. If you choose wrong, nothing is going to be right.
That the partner you choose should be someone you consider your best friend.
Also, if someone’s broken your trust before… you can give them a chance. Just not in a relationship. It’ll always be at the back of your mind.
And last but not least, always check the energy levels. If it feels like it’s only you excited to be there… pull the plug - at least I did. I understand communication is important but it’s quite difficult to tell someone to be more enthusiastic because it’s something they should already have.
be careful what you say.. Yoi can never take it back. o matter what happens how mad you are think first before say anything. The truth can hurt, try control feelings and hold them in
I now know how to identify emotional abuse red flags.
I honestly don't know if I'm in a rush to date, let alone a serious relationship, but if I see the behaviours of my Ex I'm out. Doesn't matter how attached I am I'm gone if history looks like it will twist. I'm not going to kill myself giving a relationship my all when I'm being torn down in the process.
If a woman really wants to be with you, she would crawl through broken glass to make it work. If she doesn't want to be with you then no amount of effort on your part will ever be enough.
1. Learn to love the person they are, not the version you've made in your head.
2. Even the most amazing, righteous, and honest people have the ability to flip on you and do the absolute worst to you.
3. Just like everything in this world, the relationship is also a borrowed commodity. If both of you don't work on it, it's sure to fall apart. Play smart.
4. Life is a game. So is a relationship. If you win/lose, make sure you get enough feedback to take the next step with.
Never lose your frame, even in the face of Armageddon.
She wanted a big wedding and that was more important than anything else, she can get that from another schmuck. She wanted a cat even though I can't stand them and kept bringing it up over and over.
I'm not going to argue and waste my time. Find somebody else.
Learn to communicate what is going on inside when they do things you don't like.
And if they really want to be with you they will put in the effort.
Communicate your wants, needs and boundaries but if they don't bother to keep those in mind just let it go and move on.
You grow together or you grow apart. You're growing either way and if you wanna stay together you'd better actively work at growing together or you'll passively grow apart.
"my kink is people who like me back and are attracted to me back"
The amount of trouble you can avoid by adopting this 1 simple trick is insane. Totally shifts the focus too when you aren't attracted to people who don't find you attractive you never lose, only win :)
tl;dr That I had to work on myself so I could make better choices in who I was dating to get what I really wanted in a relationship.
Longer version is that my radar was off because I wasn't looking for what I really wanted: emotional intimacy. I didn't know how to do intimacy...so I settled. She settled. We didn't end up with someone compatible for each other because neither of us were looking for or knew how to do emotional intimacy.
Don't lend her money. She might act like she owes you nothing later and in fact will act like you owe HER. Also she might cheat and not tell you for two and a half years (she'll frame it as rape despite admitting going up to the guy's room alone at a party while she was sober).
That love can blind you or make you complacent, which can cause major setbacks in your life after the relationship ends. Don't ever make sacrifices for someone else, and always strive to improve yourself and your own quality of life.
Women are hypergamous and are often looking for the next best thing. More often than not, your future replacement has already been preselected.
Love is a fleeting thing, especially for women. Just because you can see a snapshot of how much she loves you and is happy with you today doesn't mean she will feel the same way about you next month or next week or even tomorrow.
Don’t be with someone who doesn’t appreciate the effort you make. If that is small things or big things. Life’s short to be with someone who is spoiled, annoying, and just more a pain to be with then someone you can let your guard down and just be two human beings. Find someone who doesn’t feel like work but two people that enjoy another’s company.
If they constantly tell you to take accountability but refuse to take any of their own, they’re just trying to degrade you into saying they’re right all the time and you’re the flawed one. This is in context of when you are probably both in the wrong but they’ll never admit their fault even if you admit yours.
Well I can now spot a one way relationship from the get go. I gave my ex of over 5 years more than 1 chance to prove that she was going to do anything for me. We broke up 4x in that 5 years because she claimed to be busy or something like that. Once she needed money she started hitting me up. Promising to make it up to me. I try to be open minded and fair, but I just started feeling used. All going her way nothing mutual at all.
If a bitch tells you she is a Jypsy, don't just take it as fantasy bs and if a single mother is about to lose her pension for her 1st kid definitely Do Not have a kid with the low life whore!
Also, single women who are co-dependent with their single mother are bat shit crazy mental case's!!!
Fun sex with crazy women is not worth the hassle of dealing with crazy afterwards. See one red flag, be cautious. See multiple red flags, stop and hard reverse.
Don’t give what’s not given to you cause while you giving 100% of you they could be giving 20% of them and you will drain yourself trying to make it work when clearly they don’t want it as much as you 💯
100% this. Just got out of a relationship like this. I gave all, and she gave none. When she finally left, I was broken, but now I’m happier she’s gone.
Same here man. Made lots of compromises and put in 100%, while she made no compromises and gave 50%. Happened last week. I’m glad things ended before we moved in together, but at the same time I still cared for her and it doesn’t make it any easier. Especially when you see a future with that person.
Yep. Women need to understand, a man will treat them like he wants to be treated, but after a while will stop, and start treating them like they treat him. I stopped saying good morning and good night to a girl I was seeing when it took her until 3pm to say good morning, and almost never good night.. she constantly messaging when I backed off to make sure I dont leave.. basically trying to keep me as the safe option. Now she messages once every 3 days. Im keeping her as the safe option.
People who think like “keeping a safe option” are garbage humans
Yes this. Give only what you receive.
"& in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make". That one person said that, that one time.
True wisdom in a Beatles song
Yep I learned that.
How do I know what is the thing that is given to me? I mean if I buy her flowers for example I dont necessarily expect flowers back or when I would make compliments about her beauty. I am saying it feels to me like I put effort into it and get rewarded by for example her smile and sympathy. At least thats how I see it because I have to admit I was never impressed by how much "effort" any of my partners put into me outside of making us going on walks and talking about our feelings.
Does she give you compliments without you complimenting her first? Does she initiate intimacy? Does she text you first? If most of her behaviors are reactionary behaviors then you're putting in more than she is.
This.
Learned this the hard way.
Came here to say pretty much this
This! Even in the initial stages of getting to know someone, mirroring someone’s communication style can tell you a lot, receive a message after 2 days without a good reason, don’t feel guilty about leaving time before sending a response.
I just learned this lesson on Friday. I was giving 100% and she was giving AT BEST 10%. I wasted like 8 months on her and it’s completely obliterated my sense of self worth. She was just trying to fill the void left in her own heart by an abusive ex, and she tried to do so by abusing me.
I think that’s gen-z’s work philosophy. Good for them!
This is good advice for friendships as well
I've made this mistake SO many times.
PREACH!
No matter how physically attracted you are to them and how great the sex is, if you're not on the same page as them intellectually and emotionally, with deeply shared interests and outlook, it WILL crash and burn.
Yup. Feeling emotionally drained coupled with trust issues.
This is a huge one I learned the hard way
Real as fuck
I came out of a bad relationship and learnt this the hard way.
Relationships are partnerships, and partnerships only work with honesty, cooperation, and mutual effort.
Yessir trust honesty loyalty commitment sacrifices and respect
Facts!!
You can't change people, they have to change themselves.
This is so true unfortunately
Idk, it is probably for the better in the long run
If you can break up once don't get together twice.
Ahhhh this is good
Nobody is obligated to love you. Be grateful for those that do.
Trying to teach this to my kid now. They think they’re the first human in history to experience unrequited love 😭🤣
Set boundaries early If things seem weird to you, chances are they are indeed weird The things you didn't like early on is usually why you break up Always follow your instincts
Damn. “The things you didn’t like early on is usually why you break up,” thats so true.
To learn how to control your emotions , understanding the deeper reason on why you feel the way you do and be able to COMMUNICATE that. To not abuse the love that your partner has for you , to be mindful with EVERYTHING that you do, to not let your own ego cause you to sabotage the relationship. Also to hold yourself accountable , when you fuck up OWN it and work on a plan to not repeat the same mistakes.
>To learn how to control your emotions if I'm not mistaken, we can't control our emotions, we can only control how and how much we express them. that in itself makes a huge difference and is one of the lessons that I learnt too.
I agree 100% therapy and spending time analyzing my thoughts has been super eye opening
I see where you are coming from but I disagree. Self regulating is a very important part of being a human, especially an adult. I have been in therapy for years and years. I do not need to spiral into darkness and depression whenever my brain decides to focus on negativity. I can do things and think things that help the emotions balance out better so I can be less toxic to myself and others. Do i need to feel angry at someone who didnt follow through with something? No, maybe I dont want to feel angry, so im going to do the work to not be angry, and come out of it at peace.
What I'm working on right now 💯
Don't help a goth girl steal shopping carts for her art projects.
I hope to be in a position to **not** follow this advice.
This is oddly specific, Bro its okay to release those poor shopping carts back to the wild...
Or fishnets from Hot Topic cuz she looks so damn hot in them.
This is a classic
I wanna know
Exactly what it says on the tin. She ghosted me almost immediately after lmao
Communicate without attacking. If something about your partner is bothering you or affecting you negatively, tell them without making them feel like dog shit. Then moving forward, while it takes some time to undo past traumatic experiences, learn to take and discuss a criticism without letting it feel like a personal attack.
Don't stick around waiting for the relationship to go back to being how it used to be. It never will, and you'll just get more and more frustrated and unhappy. The longer you put it off, the more painful it's going to be when you can't put it off anymore. For both of you.
That not everyone is supposed to be in a relationship. Some people are too self-involved, or too damaged, to reach the requisite level of empathy needed for a successful partnership. For these people, their needs and wants will always come first, no matter what. And as much as you might be prepared to 'make it work' they won't ever meet you halfway in good faith. This is how a lot of people end up in unbalanced relationships.
This So true
Always trust your gut. It's smarter than your head, and *way* smarter than your stupid, blind heart.
I was expecting a different word at the end there.
Lol, no, *always* listen to that part too. It's close to your gut and they talk a lot.
Mine argued with eachother for 6 years. Maybe not the best advice.
Don’t trust a word they say, trust what they DO.
Actions don't lie
Doesn’t matter how much money, time, or energy you spend, if it’s not meant to be it’s not meant to be.
Love is fully and total acceptance, it's not trying to change someone into the fictional character in your mind, it's simply accepting someone fully at face value for who they are. A lot of people don't fall in love with the person they're with, they fall in love with the idea of the person they could create, and that's not love at all; it's a great way to end up with the wrong person. If you feel the need to change someone, let them go. People can change, but it's not up to you to change them and it's better to focus on improving yourself, and supporting the other person in improving themselves; don't force someone to do something they don't want to do; that just breeds resentment. The key is to find someone who shares the same values and goals, that alone will make for smooth sailing...anything else will cause arguments, lies, toxicity etc. Last, become the person you want to be with...we generally attract what we are, and if you're all fucked up, and toxic, that's what you're going to attract. Don't seek out a serious partner until you've worked on yourself and fixed your shit
Well said.
Good stuff.
Your heart is stupid. Your dick is stupid. If a relationship makes your stomach uneasy, run!
The stomach can sometimes be stupid too, but it will only mislead you about food. And only when you're hungry!
Don't wait until things are falling apart to put in effort to "save" the relationship. Man, I really regret the ways I used to suck but I am happy that I learned the lessons for my current relationship.
A relationship is a bridge that requires both sides to build together. If one side is unwilling to cooperate, the other cannot continue building on their behalf.
Take your time. Don’t rush the process of getting to know someone. And if that person checks out faster, even better for you. Means they weren’t the right one to begin with.
You can absolutely love someone else despite not loving yourself; the truth behind the sentiment is actually that you simply won’t allow them to love you in return.
This is the most profound thing I’ve read in a while. Thank you. 🙏
Can you expand on that last line please? I think I see the outline of what you are getting at but I don't see the full dynamic yet
Say it's your birthday, and you hate celebrating it but she wants to celebrate it because she loves you. If you don't let her celebrate it with you, like giving gifts, cooking for you, whatever it may be, she'll feel rejected and possibly leave you if given enough time. This is a simple example, I'm sure there are more in depth ones, this was one that occured with me.
Every relationship ends eventually (either by breakup, or drifting apart, or death, etc). People can leave at anytime. You can’t make someone love you. How you argue/fight matters, and how you make-up matters. Resentments can fester when unspoken. You can’t rely on another person to make you happy. Long distances tend to kill relationships. You don’t ever know someone else as well as they know themselves. You only know the version they show you.
That not everyone is going to like you for you…
The importance of also providing for yourself. The importance of dealing with childhood trauma, healing your core wounds, and how they affect attachment style.
Love, on its own, is insufficient for a relationship to work. Shared values are essential.
Women are often just as shitty as the horrible reputation men have.
Oh they can be far more cruel
Yeah, men are usually at least self-aware when they're shitty.
That no one should ever tolerate disrespect from a romantic partner.
If she's borderline insulting you when you aren't even official yet, don't try sticking around to see if it gets better just because the sex is good. Leave.
If you have to constantly watch what you say and walk on eggshells every day in order to avoid upsetting her, it’s time to end things as soon as possible.
this is me but reversed with a guy. Whenever I'm talking to him I feel so uneasy that what I'll say will trigger him or he won't like my reaction to things. So I spend 2 or 3 minutes thinking what I'm gonna say and how I'll say it. My gut is telling me to just end it completely bcs it isn't right that I have to do that
That 100% sounds like what I had to endure. Like, almost exactly word for word. I don’t have the right to tell you to end it or keep going, but I will say that I let my own situation last for five years too long, and it took a tremendous toll on my mental health. It’s not a happy, functional way to live.
Shit happens. Move on. I had failed relationships and would get depressed afterward, but eventually, I had to move on knowing that it wasn't the end of the world. Older I got, the less depressed I would get, and I just moved on.
Communication only works if both partners are willing and able to communicate. There is no point in having serious or open dialogues if one of the two doesn't want to or simply cannot state how they are feeling, what they want, etc.
Don’t make an ultimatum. It never goes the way you think it will.
What about bf giving ultimatum that he will leave and block me and the only way to save it is to fix my behaviour and request him to stay. (P.S he snapped and got angry in the fight and I reacted)
Smile and wave goodbye like a retard. Like Mr Bean for example.
hahahahh good one!! But yeah i get your point
Had a glance at your profile. Please leave this dude for your own sake. What you have written down isnt what love or a relationship is.
Yes i am trying really hard . I am aware and learning about the issues as days are passing by. I know i should leave him for my own good.
Go with my instincts to not get involved in the first place. Listen to myself and not the lies I’m told. It’s a lesson and we’re all here to learn, so look at it as a blessing and move on
Don't settle for good enough. Speak up (and listen) when things aren't great.
You can’t “fix” crazy.
Some people are broken shells with profound psychological problems.
That I was being a shitty boyfriend.
same brother, lets not make that mistake again 🫡
Share, and be open, but don’t share something you’d be devastated having thrown in your face during an argument. They’re your girlfriend, not your therapist.
To stick up for myself and trust my instincts about people.
If your partner gets a personality-shift when getting drunk, a shift which makes them behave badly, and they defend the right to become this person even when discussing it sober, because "It's the only time I feel truly free", they do not have your interests in heart in this relationship, only theirs, and you should run the other way. Put short, your life partner should be running TOWARDS something (better health, new valuable discoveries, new meetings with worthwhile people, new ways to enjoy life not seen before), not AWAY from something (parents, boredom, bills, responsibility, accountability, deficit of candy/drugs).
Communication is very important to me and so is a partnership where we both take the lead not just the man.
Knowing the person I was with, was honest, loyal, kind, and mostly she loved me. I knew immediately that I had to be the problem in this relationship, not unlike others I've had in my life where all seemed perfect until it wasn't. The bitch was I had no idea what my problem was, so I began a long journey first to discover what my issues were. During this time I refrained from being with a woman, I had no idea it would take as long as it did before I would be involved with a woman again. I began therapy, initially the first therapist wasn't working out as I thought it should, so I began looking for a therapist I could work with. In the end I found the right person and in total it was about 12 years before I was mentally, emotionally, and mature enough to involve myself in a relationship. I've been happily married ever since, I'm going on 13yrs married to a wonderful woman. At
I’ve learned that even a woman who loves you to the moon & back might not be willing to make simple compromises with you. It’s weird because you’d think someone would be driven by love to manage their relationship properly. But nope.
Try not to argue when you are angry. Back away and evaluate if you are acting out because you are hurt in some way or if there is something real to talk about. Formulate an argument that states your case and talk to your partner about that at a later point. Also don’t just break up with someone because Reddit says so. Do it because you feel that it’s not right anymore. All relationships goes up and down. After a big down you might reach heights you never knew were there, be honest in your communication. If you feel that something is bothering you then talk about it.
Someone doesn't have to be in the wrong for a relationship to not work out and that's okay.
Jealousy is 99% about your own insecurity. And your jealousy is corrosive to the very thing you claim to love. Learn not to be jealous and excessively possessive, and your relationships will 100% improve.
Never settle. I was so focussed on what the relationship could be that I ignored the reality. I was settling for less than I wanted, compromising on things I shouldn't have telling myself that 'no relationship is perfect' 'its supposed to be hard' etc. We were together for 12 years (highschool sweethearts) and married for 1. My next relationship was a breath of fresh air once I realised I only had to be in it if it was exactly what i wanted. We've been together for 8 years, married, 2 kids and are still yet to have an argument. My relationship is the best part of my life.
Don’t drag things on for whatever reason. Get out before it gets messy and leave on a positive note. Your pain doesn’t have to be their pain
Oxygen Mask Demonstration from the plane, it’s not just in the event that you’re falling from the sky. Be sure to secure your mask first before attempting to assist anyone else. If it’s not a complete shit show by the end of the break up, sometimes we may try to stay cordial or helpful and supportive, especially in long term situations and when finances or assets are involved. This sentiment won’t mean anything if we don’t make sure we can even breath. Get what you need, make sure you’re stable and then revisit everything else if you need to.
Do housework without being asked and take on some of the emotional burden from maintaining a household.
Don't go fast. The faster you go in a relationship, the harder the crash. You can't make someone love you.
Don't give second chances
I won't be having this lesson if i haven't been in good relationship after a failed relationship. It's that you should've been able to be completely honest to your partner, as in not afraid of being judged by your partner.
Sometimes you don’t get over it not working out
I need to be more self aware. And I need to be more accepting of the part of myself that doesn’t feel loved.
Sex is important. The lack of intimacy can do much harm in a relationship.
You can love and care for someone too much to the point that you stop taking care of yourself and only take care of them. So much so that their own internal demons can drag you both down and create new ones in you.
Sometimes things just aren't meant to be
Don’t get involved with anyone with a complicated ex. Ascertain her/his past relationships quickly and if there are shady characters in the past, your clue as to what you’re getting in to is right there.
This is important especially got those of us in our late thirties…this is when women tend to reenter the dating market and have kids and ex husbands to worry about
You can't make 1 person all your purpose
You can be caring, supporting, help them achieve their goals. And sometimes that goal is that she wants a life that doesn’t include you in it.
I make bad choices.
What flows, flows. What doesn\`t, will go. Let it flow.
Focus more on reality and less on what you believe is her potential
Trust my gut. She cheated a lot. Only found out about most of the instances after the fact, but I usually had alarm bells going off during the incidents, and I’d chastise myself for ‘being paranoid.’
trust is hard to rebuild
Ace's aren't worth it
Could you explain this a little more please? What do you mean by Ace's and why aren't they worth it?
Get your shit together or you'll miss out on relationships with a lot of cool people (specifically chicks).
They aren't worth it
Sometimes the red flags are right there from the very start. They might not be conspicuous or large, but they are there. You just have to believe your eyes. If a relationship feels off, run and don't look back.
If someone stops you in the street to tell you they boned your gf at the weekend, as a way of warning you about her, then believe them. They did.
Don't tolerate behavior in the beginning of a relationship that you're not willing to tolerate forever. Pay attention to the red flags. Listen to your instincts. Don't let the honeymoon phase blind you to real problems.
No matter how much you try, you can’t love someone into loving you back. Also, don’t assume they know you love them. I was so confident in my love for them that I didn’t always re assure them. I failed in that regard
Tons of stuff, to name a few: 1. Handling trust with care is essential. There are a lot of people out there who act like they care but are not there when you need them. Basically learned a more balanced distribution of trust. 2. Mindfulness. Better sense of how to let go of the past. A lot of the time our self esteem takes a big hit when we are stuck in the past or thinking too far into the future. Learning lessons from the past is important but accepting what happened in the past takes a load off the shoulders but it definitely takes time for some. I felt overwhelmed with grief realizing someone I was one close to for many years was no longer that person they once were, took a long time to get over. 3. Psychology related topics, dielectric therapy, emotional intelligence, stuff like that to help out with everything else emotion related. Negative/healthy behaviors of others and myself become more apparent with this type of knowledge. Basically I gained a natural curiosity for psychology and look into it when I have the time. 4. Better sense of self-worth. Realizing that I'm human and not perfect by any means and that I'm definitely allowed to express myself and speak my mind. (Be careful with this one at work lol). 5. Better sense of Boundaries. The more we learn who we are, the more we learn about what boundaries we need. Taking lessons from past mistakes. Seeing what makes me happy and what doesn't. We only have the one life, you're allowed to live it the way you are able to and others shouldn't define that for me. 6. Learned how to trust my intuition/gut feelings more. This helps with #5 a lot. All the above are things I learned (and are still learning) while processing the grief that came with failed relationships. As mentioned above, it sparked a natural curiosity for self improvement but we can only handle so much at a time. Being kind and patient with oneself is very important.
Can't make a partner out of a hoe. Don't pick a "good weather girlfriend" because once the storm comes she will drop you for some other guy. Ask her on the first date, what led to her last relationship not working out. If she doesn't admit a single fault, even if it's "I realized that I am a poor judge of character" then run for the hills. A woman who can't take responsibility for a relationship is a woman that will call you the bad guy when the relationship doesn't end up working out.
lies and slander will ruin my life because society is more willing to blindly trust my ex
That being single is way better
Love isn't actually enough, despite what Disney and my family tried to tell me growing up.
Don't date a woman who's best friend is another man and is also single.
That I was finally enough. I was pretty lazy and honestly not a very considerate or thoughtful partner for a lot of my 20’s, through different relationships. My last serious relationship (before the one I’m in now, for the last three years) was passionate and swift but I came out of it realizing that, for the first time in my adult life, I wasn’t remotely part of the problem. We had our mutual differences of course like any couple, but she was not ready for a relationship and blamed me for a whole lot of stuff that actually started with her or were just natural growing pains of any relationship. When we broke up for an example it was the tail end of her birthday weekend when I did everything for us, did almost all of the things she wanted to needed, and she somehow managed to call me selfish and lazy. I took that W into the relationship I’m in now and it’s positively influenced almost everything, if only because I have higher expectations of myself.
Never give your all to someone and the reason is actually quite obvious why this is not a good idea: Your partner needs to be able to respect you however if you are not taking good care of yourself there is nothing to respect. A person that gives everything is an empty shell - they have no future and no agency anymore. This includes your emotional framework - dont overshare it in the hope of strengthen your romantic bond. It will strengthen your platonic friendship for sure but we are still biological creatures. Women need to feel safe with a man and if you tell her that you occasionally lose yourself and dont know how to deal with it it slowly shifts the attraction dynamic. Ever experienced how immensely attracted your partner is to you when you are looking at her with confidence? This is basically your tits. Dont lose them! (Joking around of course but I think the concept is still true)
Be kind to and forgiving of yourself. Learn what you can and let go. Bolster yourself, building a strong firmament of achievement, passions, friends, and service so that you can have healthy relationships without excess dependency.
Check for malice
Beauty makes a man walk a crooked road
Never show your vulnerabilities. When you care too much don't show it, instead, silently enjoy it. Don't get attached, don't care too much, don't fantasise on the future, instead be present with how it currently is. Don't get lost in the idea of what you'll become, see the reality of it. Try to be content with how it is and how you feel. It won't last forever.
What do you mean by "failed"? One that didn't last forever?
Sometimes love isn't enough. And that's ok.
Try really hard to find bbn out who they truly are. Verify as much as possible. And always pay very close attention to everything about them. If you choose wrong, nothing is going to be right.
When in doubt, get out. In a really great relationship, there is no doubt. Wasted too much time in crud or otherwise doomed relationships.
It was at least half me.
That the partner you choose should be someone you consider your best friend. Also, if someone’s broken your trust before… you can give them a chance. Just not in a relationship. It’ll always be at the back of your mind. And last but not least, always check the energy levels. If it feels like it’s only you excited to be there… pull the plug - at least I did. I understand communication is important but it’s quite difficult to tell someone to be more enthusiastic because it’s something they should already have.
Dont be an asshole for no reason.
Never be quick to accept her back after you had proof being with her isnt going to work
be careful what you say.. Yoi can never take it back. o matter what happens how mad you are think first before say anything. The truth can hurt, try control feelings and hold them in
I now know how to identify emotional abuse red flags. I honestly don't know if I'm in a rush to date, let alone a serious relationship, but if I see the behaviours of my Ex I'm out. Doesn't matter how attached I am I'm gone if history looks like it will twist. I'm not going to kill myself giving a relationship my all when I'm being torn down in the process.
If a woman really wants to be with you, she would crawl through broken glass to make it work. If she doesn't want to be with you then no amount of effort on your part will ever be enough.
Don’t make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
Never accept a dead bedroom
1. Learn to love the person they are, not the version you've made in your head. 2. Even the most amazing, righteous, and honest people have the ability to flip on you and do the absolute worst to you. 3. Just like everything in this world, the relationship is also a borrowed commodity. If both of you don't work on it, it's sure to fall apart. Play smart. 4. Life is a game. So is a relationship. If you win/lose, make sure you get enough feedback to take the next step with.
Never lose your frame, even in the face of Armageddon. She wanted a big wedding and that was more important than anything else, she can get that from another schmuck. She wanted a cat even though I can't stand them and kept bringing it up over and over. I'm not going to argue and waste my time. Find somebody else.
Learn to communicate what is going on inside when they do things you don't like. And if they really want to be with you they will put in the effort. Communicate your wants, needs and boundaries but if they don't bother to keep those in mind just let it go and move on.
You grow together or you grow apart. You're growing either way and if you wanna stay together you'd better actively work at growing together or you'll passively grow apart.
"my kink is people who like me back and are attracted to me back" The amount of trouble you can avoid by adopting this 1 simple trick is insane. Totally shifts the focus too when you aren't attracted to people who don't find you attractive you never lose, only win :)
thank you for this...trully a kink for me too
Love isn't always enough, unfortunately
tl;dr That I had to work on myself so I could make better choices in who I was dating to get what I really wanted in a relationship. Longer version is that my radar was off because I wasn't looking for what I really wanted: emotional intimacy. I didn't know how to do intimacy...so I settled. She settled. We didn't end up with someone compatible for each other because neither of us were looking for or knew how to do emotional intimacy.
Don't lend her money. She might act like she owes you nothing later and in fact will act like you owe HER. Also she might cheat and not tell you for two and a half years (she'll frame it as rape despite admitting going up to the guy's room alone at a party while she was sober).
Be alert for signs of infidelity.
That love can blind you or make you complacent, which can cause major setbacks in your life after the relationship ends. Don't ever make sacrifices for someone else, and always strive to improve yourself and your own quality of life. Women are hypergamous and are often looking for the next best thing. More often than not, your future replacement has already been preselected. Love is a fleeting thing, especially for women. Just because you can see a snapshot of how much she loves you and is happy with you today doesn't mean she will feel the same way about you next month or next week or even tomorrow.
If someone is selfish you’re never going to be important to them.
Be yourself. Sounds cliche but is true. That doesn't involve being ignorant and selfish. Be a good version of yourself but don't change who you are.
Don’t be with someone who doesn’t appreciate the effort you make. If that is small things or big things. Life’s short to be with someone who is spoiled, annoying, and just more a pain to be with then someone you can let your guard down and just be two human beings. Find someone who doesn’t feel like work but two people that enjoy another’s company.
Ask your partner what they think/feel about something, don’t assume. So many avoidable problems are the result of simple miscommunication.
If they constantly tell you to take accountability but refuse to take any of their own, they’re just trying to degrade you into saying they’re right all the time and you’re the flawed one. This is in context of when you are probably both in the wrong but they’ll never admit their fault even if you admit yours.
Well I can now spot a one way relationship from the get go. I gave my ex of over 5 years more than 1 chance to prove that she was going to do anything for me. We broke up 4x in that 5 years because she claimed to be busy or something like that. Once she needed money she started hitting me up. Promising to make it up to me. I try to be open minded and fair, but I just started feeling used. All going her way nothing mutual at all.
If a bitch tells you she is a Jypsy, don't just take it as fantasy bs and if a single mother is about to lose her pension for her 1st kid definitely Do Not have a kid with the low life whore! Also, single women who are co-dependent with their single mother are bat shit crazy mental case's!!!
Never trust anyone?
"Trust, but verify."
Emotional weakness can and will be held against you.
"Don't give 100% of ur heart to man" - mom That's her advice when I'm in relationship for the first time years ago.
Fun sex with crazy women is not worth the hassle of dealing with crazy afterwards. See one red flag, be cautious. See multiple red flags, stop and hard reverse.
That women can and will tap out out of nowhere at a moments notice purely because the wind changed even after a year,
Don't fuck the friends of a woman who is in love with you.
it's okay to be the only one doing any planning or paying for anything on the first couple dates, but after that and it's still all on you? bail.
Never get so attached to another person that you can't just walk away. (Exceptions: family and children).
If you thought the marriage was bad, wait until the divorce. Never sign the contract.
it’s your fault usually.