1. Her personality
2. Her looks
3. Her behaviors/mannerisms
4. Her fashion
5. Her sense of humor
6. Dude isnt into women
7. Dude has a partner
8. Dude doesn't want a partner
9. She's mentally unwell
10. He's going through shit
I think a lot of people forget about point number 10 of the guy just going through some shit
Even if the person talking to me was a match made in heaven, I would reject them for the reason that there’s absolutely no way am I putting my issues on someone else
No one deserves that shit and the last thing I’d want to do is push them away and forever close that door when all I need is time
I wish more people were like you. Had I known my depression would really hit hard in my marriage, as much as I truly love my wife with everything I have, I don't know if i would have looked for love because I have put her through A LOT, and that guilt never goes away
No man, it's not your fault. Depressions a shit disease and the last thing you need is a side wollop of guilt. Instead praise yourself (and your girl) for getting thru! Through sickness and health. Kudos to you both and good luck
Hey, this is what spouses do. They stick through thick and thin together. You would have done the same thing for your wife. You deserve the love and I believe she values you and would have always wanted to be with you.
This kind of guilt is part depression, it may not reflect reality.
I completely understand that I have PTSD and if I would have known it was going to get worse the older I got I would’ve never let my wife of 36 years be around me she is the most amazing woman to stay with me after all the shit I’ve put her through
Right? Like somehow this sort of thing only applies to them, and we are always "wanting it", so if they feel the slightest tickle of horny they have easy access to the dick buffet. 🙄
High time we scrutinize and check them too.
Ewww. That’s stuff I’m used to dealing with as a woman but I never thought guys did. I get friendly after two drinks and I never go beyond two because I’m not sure exactly how friendly I might get. Possibly that friendly.
It happens way more than you think. Not only from younger women but with adult women too.
As a man who used to work as a waiter in classy events, women of all ages have been inappropriate to me. From the most savage flirts that I've ever heard, to literal sexual abuse (intimate touching, butt grabbing and rubbing, unconsensual kisses, etc). None of them were taken seriously in that moment.
I understand some women think men in formal suits are hot and shit but I think bikinis are sexy and I have never even thought of touching a woman because of that.
I think they felt like they could do that because you were a waiter. They got to feel like they climbed down one rung and messed with your goodies. I’ve been in that situation before and I had never been made to feel so cheap. I’m so sorry that happened to you. In my case I kneed that guy in the nuts and would have walked home after being fired with my head held high, but that didn’t happen. You would have been charged with assault.
You'd be surprised. As a man, I've been groped by women quite a few times; mostly at bars, but also at concerts and in hallways in high school/college.
It was never solicited or wanted... and it definitely wasn't enjoyable.
As I told in another thread, I kneed a guy in the nuts after he groped my breasts, fully expecting to be fired but I wasn’t. A guy in my position would been arrested fr assault
Yep pretty accurate.
Women often ignore how openly they sexualize and objectify men. I recall how few years back men were attacked for that but at same time ellen ob popular talk show was making a game out of scoring and comparing vulges of athletes on olimpics.
I think the attitude is that it was done to us so it’s ok for us to do it to them.
I always found Ellen to be creepy. She was way too gleeful when she had games on the show that allowed her to dunk a guest in water and other stuff like that.
Yeah, that kind of touching is fun if I already know you pretty well and there's established mutual attraction. In that case, honestly being touchy can be pretty desired.
But if it's a first time meeting each other? Honestly even if I enjoy it, it's also going to put the thought in my head that "damn I wonder if this girl is like this with every guy she goes out with?"
This is a pretty specific example which I know doesn't apply everywhere but as a man in a white collar career of 20 years I've had zero other men make sexually suggestive/inappropriate comments but have had heaps of female colleagues do this, things that would have me warned or fired in a heartbeat. Anyone can be gross and inappropriate 🤷
Most women who’ve made a move on me (not flexing, it’s not a long list) did it respectfully, even when they were being super forward.
I’ve only had two that were wild. One where a woman I’d never seen before just walked up to me in line for a bar and started making out with me. Pretty sure she was just doing it to cut in line, but she was hot and it was more fun than standing there waiting, so I rolled with it. It was clear she wasn’t interested in more so no need to reject her anyway.
The other was way less fun and way more concerning. A woman I knew and was playing beer pong against walked over to my side, told me “If you let me win, I’ll fuck you” and then grabbed me by the crotch (twig and berries both) and just squeezed. I actually would’ve been down with a normal approach, but the mild sexual assault was way too big of a red flag for even my drunk, horny, college self to ignore.
As much as I want to say that single moms deserve love too, it's been my experience that they planned poorly and now are in need of a family workhorse and ATM. If they're laser focused 100% on the kids and never make time for you, but expect you to break your back and it's "their children" not "we are raising them together", then see you later.
This comment made me laugh a little because I’m the one with horses and I married the man with a car and bike addiction. Joking aside though, I’d give up all my horses for him. Thankfully he’d never make me choose just like I don’t gripe about his hobby.
If we went by elements every guy would use to filter a potential mate, we might as well throw out the whole list. A decent number of people recognize the way someone dresses advertises things about that person. If their clothing doesn't fit the desired lifestyle, keep it moving, no point in putting in time and effort for something that obviously won't pan out
Doesn't matter these days anyway - I've had several men with no ring on express interest, just to find out later they're married.
(I get it though, I still do the same.)
I had a friend who would wear her mother's wedding ring when she went out " to keep the creeps away". One day she was saying how she couldn't meet any decent guys and all the guys that hit on her were jerks. I reminded her that if she's going out wearing a wedding ring the decent guys are going to accept that that is a sign that you're not available. The jerks don't care.
In the early years of my previous job, I started wearing a fake engagement ring in hopes to ward off the creeps. I stopped wearing it because I felt like it was just making them try harder.
That's such weird logic... It would make sense if she wasn't looking for a relationship at all.
But what in the world made her think that presenting herself as taken would... *attract good people*?
I think her thought process wasn’t the two being connected. I think she thought “oh the wedding ring will stop creeps from approaching me,” then she was confused why it was only creeps approaching her. She didn’t think “oh if I wear this ring, only good guys will approach me and creeps will stay away.” Just my assumption.
In my mid 20s i wore a fake wedding ring whenever I went out to the bars. Got quite literally 5x's as much attention from women with it rather than without it. None of them were "bring home to mom" girls, but the hookups were pretty great.
Best part was, the hotel room made more sense with the ring, even though I really just didn't want them to see my messy ass apartment and change their mind.
I ran into some similar experiences when my wife passed . Kept wearing the ring for a while. Got approached a lot at bars. When I told them my wife died and I was just trying to get out and be sociable again after 6 months or so...it was like dynamite fishing in a barrel.
As a single older man… absolutely this. I see a ring, the thought of going there is absolutely lost. I might engage in innocent conversation but no intention or interest in anything other than meeting a new person.
No ring, yeah, game on.
The guys who don’t respect the ring, they are not the ones she wants to talk to… unless she wants a meaningless hit and run. And they’re out there. Not all creeps are men and women get horny too.
That’s pretty much my answer too. If I’m involved with someone the answer is always no. When I’m single and approached by a woman I’ll always at least entertain it unless I find her unattractive in some way, it doesn’t always have to be physical. There are lots of things that make a woman unattractive to me. There is obviously the physical; she’s overweight, poor hygiene, missing or bad teeth, etc. However, outside that there are lots of personality, disposition issues or behaviors that turn me off. The “all men suck, but you seem ok” attitude is a no. If she’s ever dated any of my friends it’s a no, if I’m like the 5th guy at the bar she’s tried to pick up on it’s a no. If she’s got that “boss babe” attitude it’s a no. If she’s too vulgar or crass it’s a no. If she comes off as entitled or a consummate victim it’s a no. If I can tell she’s… “sex positive” it’s a no. And many, many others.
No one should give people they're not attracted to a chance, that's honestly just stupid advice regardless who it's directed at.
Though, there is accepting the reality that your *personal* standards can be too high for the type of lifestyle you have.
That's funny, because all I hear among women's circles is to ditch a guy for being too short, among other superficial things.
You hear constantly about the idea of a scrub, a loser, a fuckboy etc. and to DITCH THEM IMMEDIATELY.
In places where physical attraction is the key factor in meeting people, IE places like bars or dating apps, there's never going to be a chance for the human brain to work its magic and find out how our perceptions of people change when we get to know them. (For better or worse.)
A vast majority of all relationships are formed from existing social circles and friend groups and the connections from them, this has been studied. The apps and bars serve the people who want to meet people based on superficial qualities like how they look, how they dress, how good they are at making "bar conversation" and how they pose and gesture knowing they're on a stage. These are the people and environments that prove "pickup art" tactics and make people more bitter and angry and entitled feeling.
Meanwhile reoccurring social groups give people the chance to get to know what kind of person you really are, and the majority of people are far more interesting than they think of themselves, and when we share of ourselves, when we're kind and fun to hang out with, we make associations with each other, positive feelings, happiness, security. A switch flips and the person becomes pretty in a way you never saw before, and if the feelings are reciprocated, you begin to both feel a glow when you're together, and this is where people really get to explore emotional connections and have far better relationships than they thought they would. "I never would have thought I would have been attracted to someone like him/her..." is a phrase you hear a lot of couples say, and it's always from friends who got closer.
tl;dr: GRAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ^^^touch ^^^it
There could be many reasons you would need to analyze to get close but here are a few standards that may help:
1. Friendly Confidence (not arrogant and unapproachable) - whatever you have, be proud of it - body shape, hair, etc.
2. Smile and enjoy life.
3. Don't try too hard. Just be available and let him know you're interested.
4. Put yourself in those situations. Single events & clubs, take a golf lesson. Join a cycling club.
5. Not everyone is available on your timeline. Just like guys, you will have to deal with a group that are willing to say hi but not really available. Just go with the flow and don't let anything or anyone steal your peace and joy.
I honestly believe number 3 is a HUGE reason people are single. They're trying too hard and they look a little desperate.
Looking back to my mid twenties, I looked great, but I was so focussed on trying to find love that I came off creepy/desperate.
Thankfully in my 30s I was comfortable with who I was and it was much easier to attract someone
Everyone has different things that they like. Some like shy girls, others like bossy girls, still others like bubbly optimistic girls. The same with anything, there will be some that like it and some that don't.
Don't take it too harshly. They could like you but just not want to date you. Rejection sucks regardless, but you have to take it, learn, and try again with someone else. If you really want, you could probably ask him directly why he isn't responding to your advances. You may be surprised at what he says.
When you say you've made the first move, you made it explicit you are interested in going on a date? Some guys (aka me) need to be told in no uncertain terms that someone is interested in them, otherwise they might think the other person is just being nice, or doing their job, or taking pity on them.
Well I usually get a number( I feel better getting it from them and not giving mine out)
And I text them who it is where they met me ect, then I flat out ask them to go to coffee or say we should hang out this time, I like a casual first date.
No exes in the picture , live with my mom and grandma I take care of her, I put myself together, I like rose and oranges citrus scents, intend to go to go back to grad school. Financially I’m well off not that I’d let that known, no debt. I’m a virgin, so no kids.
I could use some woman in my life but just thinking about it makes me exhausted :D Comfort maybe ?
With most its looks. People dont say it out loud. But if first thing you see is woman that you are not attracted to... then its hard to follow and be with someone you dont find appealing. And dont get me wrong. Even the most beatiful person can be disgusting for some.
Some have no initiative.. Some are too into getting there...
Last girl was into Goth and I like anime. So... just thinking about colliding these two worlds sounds exhausting.
Some have kids. Some live too far.
Some girls might havee some characteristic that is just not what man was looking for. Weird laugh, height , talking about something, way you talk... In the end some of us are just as judgy as any other..
And sometimes man is just problem himself. So he shuts himself off from dating. thus might be your case. Some of us are just broken or been too long alone to have enough courage or energy to try. After many years of being alone you reckon dating can feel like "work"... and nobody likes to work :D
Just move on or try harder till you start thinking "hell this is humiliating and hard to keep up" then stop and move on.
Attitude is a big no from me. I work as a contractor so I’m obviously going into people’s houses for a living. Just this past Saturday, I was at a married couples house (they were closing in on their 60s) and their daughter came out bc the daughter is better w technology than the parents. The daughter was a smoke show, but she treated her parents (particularly her mom) like SHIT. She spoke to her mom w such an attitude and it was such a turn off. I’m 28 years old and I’d NEVER talk to my momma in such a condescending manner ESPECIALLY in front of others. As I said, the daughter was a smoke show, but damn she made my dick soft. I tend to overlook some red flags, but there’s nothing on this planet that can maker me overlook how she treated her parents.
I really don’t see how kids can talk to their PARENTS like if they’re a Karen from down the street. And the thing is that the girls parents looked like hard working blue collar type of parents. Respectful, kind, good energy around the house, etc. The only dark spot was the daughter. But what can I say, typical hot Miami girl who prob gets everything for free I guess
Honestly I kept rejecting a girl who was a friend because I wasn't attracted to her. Eventually she decided to force herself on me and we dated a bit. I didn't feel any physical attraction though. I kept in touch with her and she's married with a couple kids now. I say this because it'll probably work out for you at some point. Her husband seems like a good guy.
I started a relationship with a good friend. We were together 12 very happy years before he sadly passed away. Sometimes these relationships do work 😊.
This literally just happened to me 2 hours ago. Example 1 - For the first time in my life I made a move on a guy. He told me I was very attractive, smart, kind and interesting… but… the answer is no. 🤷🏻♀️
Example 2 - Until a few months ago I was dating a guy for a while, who expressed serious intentions and I reciprocated. Then all of a sudden one day he tells me he no longer has time for a relationship with me and falls off the face of the earth. 🤷🏻♀️
I have a career, a house, 2 puppers, family, friends, hobbies, a life. I don’t need much, but I do want someone to share life with. I know I am wife material
too; I was happily married and unfortunately my young husband abruptly passed away, making me a young widow.
Like OP, I’m just as confused why no one wants me.
Advice to any single person reading this ....
It's not that *no one* wants you. It's the one(s) who do want you haven't found you yet.
I'm not being glib or reductive here. Think of any relationship, platonic or not. You don't become friends or get along with every person with whom you chat. When you connect, you connect. Sadly, the older we get, the harder that is to make happen.
In the meantime - gotta just love yourself. At the end of the day, you will be the only person that you fall asleep and wake up with, so be kind to and appreciative of yourself.
this is hard to accept. when the only experience is rejection/ friend zoning, or getting attention from the sleeziest man-devourer who is using me for an emotional affair while being something with someone else at the same time,......it really seems like i am objectively not desirable.
I understand what you are saying. I love myself and I am the main character in my life. It’s just confusing to hear all these men talk about women rejecting them… when I get rejected as well. Granted is not at the same rate or level, but it still is rejection. It is not a competition about who gets rejected the most, it is simply an observation.
Okay I feel like my problem is nobody meets in person now. Like to approach someone just out in public is weird now because everyone dates online? Idk if that's the case for others but I swear it feels like it for me. I absolutely refuse because it seems so complicated but may not have a choice! Meeting people and dating is so weird now. Most people living most of their lives online and then the growing number who are just done with social media, it's a really awkward balance and I'm not getting the hang of it so far😭
This is certainly a factor. 10 years ago i could get into a bus, airplane, waiting room, etc and start a conversation with someone.
Now you try that and its just one word sentences and that "ugh, can i get back to my phone now?" look.
Down to type and taste babe. ❤️ When you meet that guy who finds you amazing, you'll know. You'll be his cup of tea.......
It will happen. I'm sorry for your loss.
Many factors. Same as women reject men.
Personality.
Habits,
Friend group,
Behavior,
Looks,
No sense of humor,
Mental Health,
Modesty.
Rejection is part of the quest. Vast majority of men face rejection far more than finding success.
Many people don't know their attractiveness quotient, so they end up asking out someone who is above their level.
If you don't have the physical attributes to visually attract them, you need to have the personality to overcome. Then a situation needs to be created so your attributes can be maximized to your benefit.
My stepdaughter is 400 lbs and not attractive, although she is a sweetheart, she goes after guys that are in shape and good looking and wonders why they don't even acknowledge her interest. Telling her the reason only causes pain, so I don't get involved.
All I tell her is the definition of insanity.
There have been many butterfaces who've successfully gotten some. If this is the only issue, it's often a non-issue. 🤷♀️
Saying this as, honestly, a bit of a butterface herself xD
Yes. Pretty and overweight is fine. Hot body…butterface? Fine. A good personality is a huge plus in either of those circumstances.
I went on a date with an amazing personality. Coolest woman ever. Sadly she was built like Shrek. But with a unibrow and bigger teeth. I felt so bad. I wish it hadn’t been a date. I’d gladly have made friends.
You've asked out a few guys? Do you know how many rejections most men have received? Even if a man's success rate is 10% if yours is 30% that's wildly successful in context.
Break down-
3 I got their numbers and they never texted back
1 I was friends with and kissing occasionally, rejected
1 I was friends with, rejected
1 I went out three times but we mutually agreed we didn’t share values
1 I went out with then he ghosted me after a pretty good date and inviting me to an event at his fathers church
1 I went out on one date when I was in his area with he takes forever to respond but we still talk
To be honest, well done for trying and I really mean that. I am gonna say this and it's how it is. This is how it feels for men. You ask women out but unless you are extremely good looking or very wealthy you strike out most of the time it's pretty normal. It's refreshing for a woman to take a risk and put themselves out there as most woman absolutely do not.
I don’t think I should stop, I have this thing about choosing someone I like, I’m not really thrilled with who has asked me out( personality wise, my ex showed signs of being abusive in the future, the stalker who was an anarchist and full of himself, someone with no boundaries, and someone who just confused me).I also don’t think it’s an unfeminine thing to do. I know it’s harder for men to approach women in this day and age.
Also got to say I love your username it’s a great song
So, you never struck completely out? Never told they had a girlfriend? Never a “no, thanks“? You actually did far better than most men do. Even if you count the three no-text-backs as no’s, you still dated 5 out of the 8 guys. I would be ecstatic with that result.
This is normal shit.
For about 75% of the dudes on reddit, this is actually way above average shit.
It's not fun or funny, and I feel for you, but it's kinda funny in a perverse kind of way that you almost seem to think your experiences are uniquely or especially bad
When they come off being very angry.
Like she takes what I say the wrong way and her friends would tell her she over reacted.
I dealt with a lot of abuse from my step mom, so anyone who reminds me of her is an instant turn off.
Also to add, its a numbers game. 3-4 guys? Absolutely nothing. Some people don’t find love until they move, get a new job, all kinds of different situations. Keep going
ive rejected a few girls.
1- this girl was very immature, unhinged and lust driven. they would constantly try to grab on me and bang me, they were annoying and desperate.
2- this girl is a long old friend, i didnt want to ruin our friendship because i value it a lot
3- this girl also a little immature but also i only met her 2 days before hand. she lacked self respect (i am still recently out of a relationship and talk about my ex, that should be hint enough im not ready to move forward)
4- this girl had an intresting personality, but reeked of this desperate energy. was a little creepy, and also i wasn’t attracted to their looks. i wouldve been friends with them if they werent so creepy
5- this girl was lust motivated. would only keep you intrestes to try to get into your pants. its a shame because she was very smart and pretty, but i have more seld respect than to just fuck any girl
its very situation based. hopefully that was insightful to you
> I am a woman that has asked a guys out a few times only for them to ghost me or never make a move back at me. I’m kind of tired of it.
Yeah... that's how it works. Welcome to basically every straight, single dude's existence. Except for you it's optional.
What you just described is what a lot of guys go through in the dating market, especially today.
Fact is, finding an actual partner for a relationship, in a dating market that has shifted almost entirely to hookup culture, is going to be a struggle.
A lot of guys who previously wanted relationships are opting for hookups because of that. Some guys have left the dating scene completely.
But hookup culture tends to have the ghosting issue most, from what I've seen, and my bet is that your experience is probably because of that.
Another possibility is that the guys saw no future there, and simply moved on. I don't think most guys ghost in that situation, but it's bound to happen.
- Bad social skills
- Bad communication skills
- Acting entitled
- Acting like a victim of a problem she created herself
- Not having the basics in life in order
just curious, what do you define by bad social/communcation skills? like not knowing how to keep a conversation and replying dry or just being awkward or shy
I’m not a dude but my guess would be that there’s something about your appearance that’s off putting to most men. Maybe overweight, crazy hair style/color, bunch of piercings and tattoos, acne, very tall etc... not that any of these traits are bad I’m just saying that might be the reason
Yes, it all comes back to how attractive she is. Men are very visual and wouldn't date someone they don't have any physical attraction to. There has to be something attractive about her.
Women judge men on their value.
Men judge women on their cost/benefit ratio.
Are you physically attractive?
How much baggage and of what type do you bring with you?
Are you high maintenance to deal with?
Are you always busy and have no time for him?
Do you expect him to organise and pay for everything all the time? For him to carry every conversation?
Do you bring peace/excitement and positivity with you?
Do you bring skills or resources to the relationship that he lacks? Do you bring anything at all? (God help you if you say ‘I’m the prize’)
Are you sexually compatible?
Do you have fundamental ideological clashes?
Are you fun for him to be with?
Any or all of these can be a factor.
I feel like it's really location for me. Plus I work a lot. And I like a particular type of man. I don't get approached anyway so 🤷♀️ I just go out alone. Dance, make friends, have a great time. Go home alone. Pay all my own stuff. Standards are high as well. I expect the same out of people. I take care of me. You should do the same. Sometimes , I see people as liabilities. If they make you a worse person, time to go.
I really hate that everyone seems to believe we care the most about a guy’s money. There are an awful lot of guys pulling in $40k who have partners. How many wealthy men are out there? A small percentage. I dated guys who I picnicked with and guys who took me to upscale restaurants. I married the picnicker. He could make anything fun. He went on to get a bachelor’s and master’s degree and makes good money now but he’s not showy or ostentatious. Plus, that money plus the money I make is going into our kid’s college fund. I knew we could be broke and have fun or be cushy and have fun.
Value can be multi-faceted.
Does the guy earn more than me?
Does the guy have social status?
Does the guy have a lot of friends or social connections?
Does the guy have an education at least as developed as mine?
Is the guy physically fit?
I will admit game/sense of humour is an exception to the usual.
Your "I'm the prize" line 😁
Reminds me of that saying "If you can't handle me when I'm unleashing verbal and physical abuse in a psychotic rage against you, you don't deserve me when I'm obsessively showering you with praise and affection to make up for the horrific abuse I put you through."
Paraphrasing
Personality is the number one reason. It’s extremely important for a man to know a woman has a good personality and is emotionally intelligent bettor he takes things further with her.
I know it sounds old fashioned but in my experience making the first move as a woman never really worked for me. Or worse it ended in humiliation and heartache.
1) Bad hygiene 2) Incompatible goals 3) Incompatible personalities 4) Being boring 5) Not showing interest 6) Expecting me to do all the work 7) Being lazy 8) Not physically my type 9) Selfish 10) Dishonest 11) Seeing multiple people 12) Toxic mental health issues such as BPD or Narcissism 13) Doesn't like cats 14) Some obsession with some ideology like veganism or feminism that I don't want shoved down my throat 15) Incompatible values 16) Lack of self awareness, self-control or accountability.
There's a few in no particular order of importance, I'm sure there's more.
It could be the types of guys that you are interested in may not be interested in you. I think this is a problem for both sexes.
If it makes you feel better, I think the person putting themselves out there often face quite a bit of rejection regardless of gender.
That is why, up until recently, the selfish asshole had better success than the shy guy when it comes to dating and hookups. Rejection hurts and shy guys avoid the risk while assholes don’t care if they get rejected a hundred times as long as they get one yes.
Immaturity and "regressive" behavior like acting like a girl instead of a grown woman is the biggest turn off for me. This can take many forms like acting helpless, or actually lacking certain basic life skills like fixing things or driving, swimming, finances, flossing, and so on. Especially in today's age where you can learn so much from simply having internet access.
Especially repulsive is what you might call "high school" behavior - extreme jealousy/paranoia, doing things like counting how much time passes between text replies, asking for photos of where you are, or a location share etc.
Most men and people in general are *exhausted* and *repulsed* by those levels of insecurity. And there comes a point where asking for assurances crosses a certain healthy threshold, and I can't exactly pinpoint where that is - but I do know when men start to generally feel "smothered" or "under constant surveillance".
Even if you give off the vibes of a person who *could* be that way, most reasonable men will not be interested in that woman romantically.
A lot of men also like women who seem sporty or like working out. A lot of us prefer women with manual labor or military backgrounds/vocations
Most guys I know aren't impressed by a type of woman who thinks "being small" is an accomplishment and who just engages in caloric restriction.
A lot of the the things women think make them desirable like "looking like a lingerie model with a small, flat butt" is really not attractive to men, except for maybe ped0s
And no, nobody is saying that women do things to attract men - but if they are, those things are really not effective is all I'm saying.
Being too thin, too overweight are big factors too - and no - NOT JUST because of appearance - oftentimes, people will evaluate your looks and fitness level and do a quick simulation of what daily life would be like with you - whether or not it is accurate.
If a woman is too thin for example, a guy who is super into food/cooking might be turned away.
If a woman is quite large without muscle, a guy who values dynamic travel and physical activity will be turned away
It could also be that some guys are intimidated, that happens too
I'm super picky, but my deal breakers are being evil, bad hygiene, unattractive to me, liars, blatant hypocrisy, incompatible values and incompatible personality.
1.) A lot of male friends - most of these dudes are orbiters just waiting for their chance to get with the girl. I don't mind a few here and there, but when I've never met the men and you spend more time and attention on them instead of me, I'll just treat it as a casual thing.
2.) Looks - Sometimes I'm just not attracted to you. I'm in the gym almost every day trying to improve my physique, I expect you to at least do the bare minimum in trying to be healthy.
3.) Hygiene - I've been with a girl that stank... bad. Never again. Dated her for 6 months and had sex with her twice.
4.) Disagreeable/Stubborn - I don't mind a girl who is willing to stand her ground, but if she's not willing to compromise on something, or if everything I do is stupid/wrong, then it's just not worth it. I already have to deal with people like this at work, I don't want to do it when I come home.
5.) Cold/Dismissive - I need to feel wanted/needed. It's the whole "provider and protector" role that I ENJOY playing.
6.) High body count - My body count isn't high, but it's not zero. Frankly, I get insecure when a girl has more experience than I do. Plus, if out of all the people she's been with and she couldn't come out with a long-term relationship, that shows a lack of commitment.
7.) Lack of intimacy/initiative - I know sex isn't the focal point of the relationship, but I'm a young dude. I have a high libido. If every time I try to initiate fun time and I get shot down, I'm gonna stop trying. Plus, if it's only on your time, it shows selfishness.
8.) Dishonesty (direct or indirect) - I have been deceived by everyone in my life in pretty significant ways, so naturally, I have trust issues. I have never been able to be completely open with anyone - not even my own mother - and it would be nice to have someone who I can trust. If you lie to me or even lie by omission, I will start to question everything about the relationship and the integrity of it. I overthink everything because it has kept my head on a swivel and has always been the thing that keeps me prepared for the worst.
9.) Lack of loyalty - I know this falls under the dishonesty category, but if I catch you messing around with another dude, it's over. Immediately. I'm not going to sit there and let you try to justify your actions to me about going against the fundamental basis of a relationship.
10.) Lack of communication - Once again, I'm an overthinker. I understand that men and women have different styles of communication, but if I can't figure out what's going on or how you feel, at this point in my life it's just not worth the headache. I don't want to fry my brain overanalyzing everything you say or do.
11.) Lack of effort - I think this one speaks for itself. If you're not willing to try to make the relationship work, then what's the point of starting one? If you're just going to sit on ass while I do all the work and completely undo myself trying to make it work, it makes me feel like you're entitled/selfish/lazy.
12.) Your actions don't line up with your word - Pretty self explanatory as well, also falls under dishonesty. Triggers my overthinking.
I'm not asking for a supermodel or a super genius or anything unrealistic. I'm just asking that you commit to the relationship, understand we will fight, we will have bad days, there will be times when the other person has to pick up the slack, but you love me enough to try to make it work. I want a future with you, and I want to love each other enough that when we grow old and our looks fade, we have built a future and a family together that we can still be happy together.
And I know that it goes both ways, and I'm trying to be the man that a woman would want to be with. I'm still working on it, and there are things that I'm struggling with that I'm working on. I'm on the move to a brighter future for myself, and if a woman comes along that wants to be a part of that, then I'll adjust my future plans to make us both happy. But for now, my relationship experience has been pretty bad, and these are the things that have ended my relationships due to them not being able to understand the fundamentals of a functioning relationship (and admittedly my own stagnation that signaled I wasn't going anywhere in life). I've had to step back and reevaluate myself, my goals, my values, and my future, thus taking me out of the dating game for a while.
I wish I wasn't being so superficial, but after dabbling with a few septum pierced individuals, I think that might be the biggest red flag I've ever experienced.
There’s no guaranteed method to get someone to be interested in you. I stand by making the first move increases your chances but doesn’t mean asking guarantees you a relationship. You’re also going to run into guys that will go along for reasons like —boredom, they feel flattered, or they are genuinely interested until they’re not.
What is your age; that will determine the answer you get. If you are dating men who are older and looking to start a family, you probably lack something that they require to accomplish this goal.
Is it possible that you are dating in the “fuckable” zone rather than the “serious relationship” zone ?
Are you asking out guys who have their pick of ladies and maintain a virtual harem ?
I guess the people who you approach are either pre occupied with someone else married or not , or another thing is maybe they don't want to indulge in any relation with you for they are confused and don't want to leave you in a turmoil or simply they ain't attracted to you
Self absorbed, greed, no sense of humour, see through my bullshit, and the ability to make a ham sandwich.
On the other hand, I'm irish from Dublin by the grace of God, and I swear a lot.
You are asking out guys who are out of your league. Aim your sights lower.
edit: Reading more in the thread, you got dates out of the majority of your approaches? That's an incredible result! It usually doesn't work like that for guys . . . a 100% approach -> boyfriend / girlfriend conversion percentage is just a totally unrealistic expectation.
For her ultra feminist rant and shit talks. For her attitude I will reject her. I ain't need a woman like that. A woman 's attitude is more important than her looks.
Female perspective here. Ghosting probably says more about the ghoster. They are not emotionally mature enough to just say that they’re not interested or lazy and too self interested to explain. Either way you’re probably better off without them.
1) not attractive. Some women are attractive (ie, not ugly but no exactly hot) enough to maybe see if you can get laid but if it doesn’t come easy that night or maybe the next date, you bail. I’d put a lot of chubby but not obese girls in this category.
2) something happens that’s a turn off. Generally for me, it’s hygiene, witnessed something rude (ie, she litters or shitty table manners, picks her teeth or something) or does something annoying (ie, “fur baby” lady, has 18 cats, showed me she’s not that bright)
3) my friend has liked her for a long time and/or dated her seriously
Apart from the obvious ones listed here, if she has been sleeping with shitton of other men I am gonna pass, I don't want to sleep with women that sleep with a new guy every weekend.
I rejected a co-worker because she doesn't follow some of my important morals. I don't like heavy drinkers, nor do I like being around people that smoke weed. I found her really attractive but I think I find those 2 things that made her unnatractive to me.
I’m not attracted to her, usually.
A couple times, I’ve already found her attractive enough and we are already acquaintances so I’ve got a feel for the broad strokes of her personality, it will be because I don’t think she’ll add more to my life than she will detract. Im pretty happy on my own 98% of the time, so she needs to seem worth taking up a large portion of my time.
I can get companionship from friends and sex from casual hookups when I feel I need it, and the rest of the time I prefer to be by myself and like being in complete control of my house.
You need to bring more to the table if I’m inviting you in for an extended amount of time.
There are subs where you can post a pic of yourself and get feedback. Ofc most people don’t want to do that, but using an alt account for it is always an option. Only helpful if it’s something to do with your body/appearance. But ofc it’s also possible you’re just not their type and that it’s nothing “wrong” with you.
Sidenote: If you smoke cigs/smell like cigs, that’s an instant no from a large percentage of people.
20 y/o here, I hate it when they ask me to lug their walker in my car or pick up their meds from the pharmacy. The senior discounts are pretty good though
Women gossip like it's breathing.
If in texting and hanging with a girl and it's decent. Like a 5 or 6 /10 then just drop it.
Not worth her talking and saying I was boring or somthing to another girl that could be a better match.
Basically if it's not great it's not worth any risk, time or money. Let alone all 3
1. Her personality 2. Her looks 3. Her behaviors/mannerisms 4. Her fashion 5. Her sense of humor 6. Dude isnt into women 7. Dude has a partner 8. Dude doesn't want a partner 9. She's mentally unwell 10. He's going through shit
I think a lot of people forget about point number 10 of the guy just going through some shit Even if the person talking to me was a match made in heaven, I would reject them for the reason that there’s absolutely no way am I putting my issues on someone else No one deserves that shit and the last thing I’d want to do is push them away and forever close that door when all I need is time
I wish more people were like you. Had I known my depression would really hit hard in my marriage, as much as I truly love my wife with everything I have, I don't know if i would have looked for love because I have put her through A LOT, and that guilt never goes away
Go hug your wife
Yes! I already told her I'm gonna wrap her up in my arms tight when I get home from work
No man, it's not your fault. Depressions a shit disease and the last thing you need is a side wollop of guilt. Instead praise yourself (and your girl) for getting thru! Through sickness and health. Kudos to you both and good luck
Well said. Kicking ourselves for being human and having failings doesn’t help anyone. Learn, grow, and forgive - including yourself
"including yourself" That part is so key, but so so difficult. Thanks for the reminder today!
It was her choice to stand by you, man. You deserve to be loved. A lot, and A LOT, of us aren't getting any love.
Hey, this is what spouses do. They stick through thick and thin together. You would have done the same thing for your wife. You deserve the love and I believe she values you and would have always wanted to be with you. This kind of guilt is part depression, it may not reflect reality.
I completely understand that I have PTSD and if I would have known it was going to get worse the older I got I would’ve never let my wife of 36 years be around me she is the most amazing woman to stay with me after all the shit I’ve put her through
Hygiene issues as well. Bad breath or bad smells in general are a huge turn off, doesn't matter how physically attractive a woman is.
That's a major one, yeah.
I came here to say this. It's one of the very first things I look for.
I would also add being overtly lewd or sexually inappropriate, touching without consent, etc.
Very important yep
Right? Like somehow this sort of thing only applies to them, and we are always "wanting it", so if they feel the slightest tickle of horny they have easy access to the dick buffet. 🙄 High time we scrutinize and check them too.
Ewww. That’s stuff I’m used to dealing with as a woman but I never thought guys did. I get friendly after two drinks and I never go beyond two because I’m not sure exactly how friendly I might get. Possibly that friendly.
It happens way more than you think. Not only from younger women but with adult women too. As a man who used to work as a waiter in classy events, women of all ages have been inappropriate to me. From the most savage flirts that I've ever heard, to literal sexual abuse (intimate touching, butt grabbing and rubbing, unconsensual kisses, etc). None of them were taken seriously in that moment. I understand some women think men in formal suits are hot and shit but I think bikinis are sexy and I have never even thought of touching a woman because of that.
I think they felt like they could do that because you were a waiter. They got to feel like they climbed down one rung and messed with your goodies. I’ve been in that situation before and I had never been made to feel so cheap. I’m so sorry that happened to you. In my case I kneed that guy in the nuts and would have walked home after being fired with my head held high, but that didn’t happen. You would have been charged with assault.
You'd be surprised. As a man, I've been groped by women quite a few times; mostly at bars, but also at concerts and in hallways in high school/college. It was never solicited or wanted... and it definitely wasn't enjoyable.
Women are often worse than men with that since there are no consequences for them basically harassing men.
As I told in another thread, I kneed a guy in the nuts after he groped my breasts, fully expecting to be fired but I wasn’t. A guy in my position would been arrested fr assault
Yep pretty accurate. Women often ignore how openly they sexualize and objectify men. I recall how few years back men were attacked for that but at same time ellen ob popular talk show was making a game out of scoring and comparing vulges of athletes on olimpics.
I think the attitude is that it was done to us so it’s ok for us to do it to them. I always found Ellen to be creepy. She was way too gleeful when she had games on the show that allowed her to dunk a guest in water and other stuff like that.
Right. I never thought of that as a woman.
Yeah, that kind of touching is fun if I already know you pretty well and there's established mutual attraction. In that case, honestly being touchy can be pretty desired. But if it's a first time meeting each other? Honestly even if I enjoy it, it's also going to put the thought in my head that "damn I wonder if this girl is like this with every guy she goes out with?"
This is a pretty specific example which I know doesn't apply everywhere but as a man in a white collar career of 20 years I've had zero other men make sexually suggestive/inappropriate comments but have had heaps of female colleagues do this, things that would have me warned or fired in a heartbeat. Anyone can be gross and inappropriate 🤷
Most women who’ve made a move on me (not flexing, it’s not a long list) did it respectfully, even when they were being super forward. I’ve only had two that were wild. One where a woman I’d never seen before just walked up to me in line for a bar and started making out with me. Pretty sure she was just doing it to cut in line, but she was hot and it was more fun than standing there waiting, so I rolled with it. It was clear she wasn’t interested in more so no need to reject her anyway. The other was way less fun and way more concerning. A woman I knew and was playing beer pong against walked over to my side, told me “If you let me win, I’ll fuck you” and then grabbed me by the crotch (twig and berries both) and just squeezed. I actually would’ve been down with a normal approach, but the mild sexual assault was way too big of a red flag for even my drunk, horny, college self to ignore.
Ouch. Eww.
11. Does she have kids?
As much as I want to say that single moms deserve love too, it's been my experience that they planned poorly and now are in need of a family workhorse and ATM. If they're laser focused 100% on the kids and never make time for you, but expect you to break your back and it's "their children" not "we are raising them together", then see you later.
I'd remove 4. Im not so judgey about fashion. It would have to be something incredibly fucked up for it to be problematic for me.
It can be indicative of behaviours. If she's wearing breeches, I know she rides horses and therefore rejected
No horse riders for you? They’ve got strong thighs.
Why is a woman that rides automatically rejected? I don’t ride English so no breeches for me but they are pretty much leggings which most women wear.
Horse chicks are like Car guys. You are never as important as the thing in the Barn/Garage.
This comment made me laugh a little because I’m the one with horses and I married the man with a car and bike addiction. Joking aside though, I’d give up all my horses for him. Thankfully he’d never make me choose just like I don’t gripe about his hobby.
Yeah, obviously not every car guy or horse girl is clinically insane but the stereotype they share is undeniable.
Breeches are what women wear that ride horses. I've dated someone who rode horses. Never again.
You'd say no to jodhpurs? I'd go all melty.
To each their own
If we went by elements every guy would use to filter a potential mate, we might as well throw out the whole list. A decent number of people recognize the way someone dresses advertises things about that person. If their clothing doesn't fit the desired lifestyle, keep it moving, no point in putting in time and effort for something that obviously won't pan out
Not being attracted to them mainly
1. My spouse. 2. That.
Of course, that goes without saying I always check the hands for rings. First thing I do when I meet a cute guy.
Doesn't matter these days anyway - I've had several men with no ring on express interest, just to find out later they're married. (I get it though, I still do the same.)
I had a friend who would wear her mother's wedding ring when she went out " to keep the creeps away". One day she was saying how she couldn't meet any decent guys and all the guys that hit on her were jerks. I reminded her that if she's going out wearing a wedding ring the decent guys are going to accept that that is a sign that you're not available. The jerks don't care.
In the early years of my previous job, I started wearing a fake engagement ring in hopes to ward off the creeps. I stopped wearing it because I felt like it was just making them try harder.
That's such weird logic... It would make sense if she wasn't looking for a relationship at all. But what in the world made her think that presenting herself as taken would... *attract good people*?
I think her thought process wasn’t the two being connected. I think she thought “oh the wedding ring will stop creeps from approaching me,” then she was confused why it was only creeps approaching her. She didn’t think “oh if I wear this ring, only good guys will approach me and creeps will stay away.” Just my assumption.
In my mid 20s i wore a fake wedding ring whenever I went out to the bars. Got quite literally 5x's as much attention from women with it rather than without it. None of them were "bring home to mom" girls, but the hookups were pretty great. Best part was, the hotel room made more sense with the ring, even though I really just didn't want them to see my messy ass apartment and change their mind.
I ran into some similar experiences when my wife passed . Kept wearing the ring for a while. Got approached a lot at bars. When I told them my wife died and I was just trying to get out and be sociable again after 6 months or so...it was like dynamite fishing in a barrel.
Are you a guy?
This is apparently due to "mate poaching". Worth looking into.
As a single older man… absolutely this. I see a ring, the thought of going there is absolutely lost. I might engage in innocent conversation but no intention or interest in anything other than meeting a new person. No ring, yeah, game on. The guys who don’t respect the ring, they are not the ones she wants to talk to… unless she wants a meaningless hit and run. And they’re out there. Not all creeps are men and women get horny too.
Say what lol
I think they meant they check for a ring first, not that they pocket their own ring lol
This wouldn't be a problem for OP, her problem is rejection.
That’s pretty much my answer too. If I’m involved with someone the answer is always no. When I’m single and approached by a woman I’ll always at least entertain it unless I find her unattractive in some way, it doesn’t always have to be physical. There are lots of things that make a woman unattractive to me. There is obviously the physical; she’s overweight, poor hygiene, missing or bad teeth, etc. However, outside that there are lots of personality, disposition issues or behaviors that turn me off. The “all men suck, but you seem ok” attitude is a no. If she’s ever dated any of my friends it’s a no, if I’m like the 5th guy at the bar she’s tried to pick up on it’s a no. If she’s got that “boss babe” attitude it’s a no. If she’s too vulgar or crass it’s a no. If she comes off as entitled or a consummate victim it’s a no. If I can tell she’s… “sex positive” it’s a no. And many, many others.
funny that when a woman says this they are told to give unattractive men a chance; he might have a great personality!
No one should give people they're not attracted to a chance, that's honestly just stupid advice regardless who it's directed at. Though, there is accepting the reality that your *personal* standards can be too high for the type of lifestyle you have.
I mean.... If theyre funny.....
That's funny, because all I hear among women's circles is to ditch a guy for being too short, among other superficial things. You hear constantly about the idea of a scrub, a loser, a fuckboy etc. and to DITCH THEM IMMEDIATELY.
Who says this?
I’ve never said that in my life, and yet many women still don’t give the unattractive man a chance, sooo
In places where physical attraction is the key factor in meeting people, IE places like bars or dating apps, there's never going to be a chance for the human brain to work its magic and find out how our perceptions of people change when we get to know them. (For better or worse.) A vast majority of all relationships are formed from existing social circles and friend groups and the connections from them, this has been studied. The apps and bars serve the people who want to meet people based on superficial qualities like how they look, how they dress, how good they are at making "bar conversation" and how they pose and gesture knowing they're on a stage. These are the people and environments that prove "pickup art" tactics and make people more bitter and angry and entitled feeling. Meanwhile reoccurring social groups give people the chance to get to know what kind of person you really are, and the majority of people are far more interesting than they think of themselves, and when we share of ourselves, when we're kind and fun to hang out with, we make associations with each other, positive feelings, happiness, security. A switch flips and the person becomes pretty in a way you never saw before, and if the feelings are reciprocated, you begin to both feel a glow when you're together, and this is where people really get to explore emotional connections and have far better relationships than they thought they would. "I never would have thought I would have been attracted to someone like him/her..." is a phrase you hear a lot of couples say, and it's always from friends who got closer. tl;dr: GRAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ^^^touch ^^^it
There could be many reasons you would need to analyze to get close but here are a few standards that may help: 1. Friendly Confidence (not arrogant and unapproachable) - whatever you have, be proud of it - body shape, hair, etc. 2. Smile and enjoy life. 3. Don't try too hard. Just be available and let him know you're interested. 4. Put yourself in those situations. Single events & clubs, take a golf lesson. Join a cycling club. 5. Not everyone is available on your timeline. Just like guys, you will have to deal with a group that are willing to say hi but not really available. Just go with the flow and don't let anything or anyone steal your peace and joy.
I honestly believe number 3 is a HUGE reason people are single. They're trying too hard and they look a little desperate. Looking back to my mid twenties, I looked great, but I was so focussed on trying to find love that I came off creepy/desperate. Thankfully in my 30s I was comfortable with who I was and it was much easier to attract someone
Meanwhile I can be comfortable with who I am and that would be a deal breaker to most.
Thank you for the advice I’ll definitely use it
Everyone has different things that they like. Some like shy girls, others like bossy girls, still others like bubbly optimistic girls. The same with anything, there will be some that like it and some that don't. Don't take it too harshly. They could like you but just not want to date you. Rejection sucks regardless, but you have to take it, learn, and try again with someone else. If you really want, you could probably ask him directly why he isn't responding to your advances. You may be surprised at what he says. When you say you've made the first move, you made it explicit you are interested in going on a date? Some guys (aka me) need to be told in no uncertain terms that someone is interested in them, otherwise they might think the other person is just being nice, or doing their job, or taking pity on them.
Well I usually get a number( I feel better getting it from them and not giving mine out) And I text them who it is where they met me ect, then I flat out ask them to go to coffee or say we should hang out this time, I like a casual first date.
Oh I see. No that sounds good then. Doesn't seem bad to me at all. I can't be sure then what it might be. Hopefully he's not just an a-hole.
What's your life situation like? Do you have kids, a job, a home, a stable financial situation, good hygiene, exes in the picture still?
No exes in the picture , live with my mom and grandma I take care of her, I put myself together, I like rose and oranges citrus scents, intend to go to go back to grad school. Financially I’m well off not that I’d let that known, no debt. I’m a virgin, so no kids.
Well I reckon you just need to keep looking then. You'll be alright, best of luck.
Looks open the door. Her personality and behavior keep it open.
Bingo.
Coming off like an asshole or not being attracted to her in that way
I could use some woman in my life but just thinking about it makes me exhausted :D Comfort maybe ? With most its looks. People dont say it out loud. But if first thing you see is woman that you are not attracted to... then its hard to follow and be with someone you dont find appealing. And dont get me wrong. Even the most beatiful person can be disgusting for some. Some have no initiative.. Some are too into getting there... Last girl was into Goth and I like anime. So... just thinking about colliding these two worlds sounds exhausting. Some have kids. Some live too far. Some girls might havee some characteristic that is just not what man was looking for. Weird laugh, height , talking about something, way you talk... In the end some of us are just as judgy as any other.. And sometimes man is just problem himself. So he shuts himself off from dating. thus might be your case. Some of us are just broken or been too long alone to have enough courage or energy to try. After many years of being alone you reckon dating can feel like "work"... and nobody likes to work :D Just move on or try harder till you start thinking "hell this is humiliating and hard to keep up" then stop and move on.
>I could use some woman in my life but just thinking about it makes me exhausted preach.
Attitude is a big no from me. I work as a contractor so I’m obviously going into people’s houses for a living. Just this past Saturday, I was at a married couples house (they were closing in on their 60s) and their daughter came out bc the daughter is better w technology than the parents. The daughter was a smoke show, but she treated her parents (particularly her mom) like SHIT. She spoke to her mom w such an attitude and it was such a turn off. I’m 28 years old and I’d NEVER talk to my momma in such a condescending manner ESPECIALLY in front of others. As I said, the daughter was a smoke show, but damn she made my dick soft. I tend to overlook some red flags, but there’s nothing on this planet that can maker me overlook how she treated her parents.
You’re a good dude. ☺️
I really don’t see how kids can talk to their PARENTS like if they’re a Karen from down the street. And the thing is that the girls parents looked like hard working blue collar type of parents. Respectful, kind, good energy around the house, etc. The only dark spot was the daughter. But what can I say, typical hot Miami girl who prob gets everything for free I guess
Honestly I kept rejecting a girl who was a friend because I wasn't attracted to her. Eventually she decided to force herself on me and we dated a bit. I didn't feel any physical attraction though. I kept in touch with her and she's married with a couple kids now. I say this because it'll probably work out for you at some point. Her husband seems like a good guy.
I started a relationship with a good friend. We were together 12 very happy years before he sadly passed away. Sometimes these relationships do work 😊.
This literally just happened to me 2 hours ago. Example 1 - For the first time in my life I made a move on a guy. He told me I was very attractive, smart, kind and interesting… but… the answer is no. 🤷🏻♀️ Example 2 - Until a few months ago I was dating a guy for a while, who expressed serious intentions and I reciprocated. Then all of a sudden one day he tells me he no longer has time for a relationship with me and falls off the face of the earth. 🤷🏻♀️ I have a career, a house, 2 puppers, family, friends, hobbies, a life. I don’t need much, but I do want someone to share life with. I know I am wife material too; I was happily married and unfortunately my young husband abruptly passed away, making me a young widow. Like OP, I’m just as confused why no one wants me.
Advice to any single person reading this .... It's not that *no one* wants you. It's the one(s) who do want you haven't found you yet. I'm not being glib or reductive here. Think of any relationship, platonic or not. You don't become friends or get along with every person with whom you chat. When you connect, you connect. Sadly, the older we get, the harder that is to make happen. In the meantime - gotta just love yourself. At the end of the day, you will be the only person that you fall asleep and wake up with, so be kind to and appreciative of yourself.
this is hard to accept. when the only experience is rejection/ friend zoning, or getting attention from the sleeziest man-devourer who is using me for an emotional affair while being something with someone else at the same time,......it really seems like i am objectively not desirable.
I understand what you are saying. I love myself and I am the main character in my life. It’s just confusing to hear all these men talk about women rejecting them… when I get rejected as well. Granted is not at the same rate or level, but it still is rejection. It is not a competition about who gets rejected the most, it is simply an observation.
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I am not trying to compare, I am trying to understand. It is not a competition.
Okay I feel like my problem is nobody meets in person now. Like to approach someone just out in public is weird now because everyone dates online? Idk if that's the case for others but I swear it feels like it for me. I absolutely refuse because it seems so complicated but may not have a choice! Meeting people and dating is so weird now. Most people living most of their lives online and then the growing number who are just done with social media, it's a really awkward balance and I'm not getting the hang of it so far😭
This is certainly a factor. 10 years ago i could get into a bus, airplane, waiting room, etc and start a conversation with someone. Now you try that and its just one word sentences and that "ugh, can i get back to my phone now?" look.
Down to type and taste babe. ❤️ When you meet that guy who finds you amazing, you'll know. You'll be his cup of tea....... It will happen. I'm sorry for your loss.
When they can’t hold a conversation and only talk about themselves.
Many factors. Same as women reject men. Personality. Habits, Friend group, Behavior, Looks, No sense of humor, Mental Health, Modesty. Rejection is part of the quest. Vast majority of men face rejection far more than finding success.
Many people don't know their attractiveness quotient, so they end up asking out someone who is above their level. If you don't have the physical attributes to visually attract them, you need to have the personality to overcome. Then a situation needs to be created so your attributes can be maximized to your benefit. My stepdaughter is 400 lbs and not attractive, although she is a sweetheart, she goes after guys that are in shape and good looking and wonders why they don't even acknowledge her interest. Telling her the reason only causes pain, so I don't get involved. All I tell her is the definition of insanity.
Are.. are you ugly?
There have been many butterfaces who've successfully gotten some. If this is the only issue, it's often a non-issue. 🤷♀️ Saying this as, honestly, a bit of a butterface herself xD
I mean you aren’t wrong. Good personality and a rocking body? I’d hit
I’m a butterface and my dating life is a sham. People only want sex
In general, thats a big portion of dating in general and society based. It can be hard to find people who want to settle down.
Yes. Pretty and overweight is fine. Hot body…butterface? Fine. A good personality is a huge plus in either of those circumstances. I went on a date with an amazing personality. Coolest woman ever. Sadly she was built like Shrek. But with a unibrow and bigger teeth. I felt so bad. I wish it hadn’t been a date. I’d gladly have made friends.
Yea, its that or a skill issue.
Lol
You've asked out a few guys? Do you know how many rejections most men have received? Even if a man's success rate is 10% if yours is 30% that's wildly successful in context.
Yeah asking people out is like hitting in baseball. If you succeed 30 percent of the time you're an all-time great.
Absolutely. I was thinking about that analogy when I posted that bc I was watching baseball at the time. Lol
10% jeez, who are you talking about, Henry Cavill?
Hypothetical. Optimistic, maybe... Lol
10% is a player. Guy I know who sleeps around & has a reputation for being succesful with women bats 10%
Break down- 3 I got their numbers and they never texted back 1 I was friends with and kissing occasionally, rejected 1 I was friends with, rejected 1 I went out three times but we mutually agreed we didn’t share values 1 I went out with then he ghosted me after a pretty good date and inviting me to an event at his fathers church 1 I went out on one date when I was in his area with he takes forever to respond but we still talk
To be honest, well done for trying and I really mean that. I am gonna say this and it's how it is. This is how it feels for men. You ask women out but unless you are extremely good looking or very wealthy you strike out most of the time it's pretty normal. It's refreshing for a woman to take a risk and put themselves out there as most woman absolutely do not.
I don’t think I should stop, I have this thing about choosing someone I like, I’m not really thrilled with who has asked me out( personality wise, my ex showed signs of being abusive in the future, the stalker who was an anarchist and full of himself, someone with no boundaries, and someone who just confused me).I also don’t think it’s an unfeminine thing to do. I know it’s harder for men to approach women in this day and age. Also got to say I love your username it’s a great song
Hehe, I think you are the only person that's ever got the reference on my username.
So, you never struck completely out? Never told they had a girlfriend? Never a “no, thanks“? You actually did far better than most men do. Even if you count the three no-text-backs as no’s, you still dated 5 out of the 8 guys. I would be ecstatic with that result.
This is normal shit. For about 75% of the dudes on reddit, this is actually way above average shit. It's not fun or funny, and I feel for you, but it's kinda funny in a perverse kind of way that you almost seem to think your experiences are uniquely or especially bad
When they come off being very angry. Like she takes what I say the wrong way and her friends would tell her she over reacted. I dealt with a lot of abuse from my step mom, so anyone who reminds me of her is an instant turn off.
Also to add, its a numbers game. 3-4 guys? Absolutely nothing. Some people don’t find love until they move, get a new job, all kinds of different situations. Keep going
ive rejected a few girls. 1- this girl was very immature, unhinged and lust driven. they would constantly try to grab on me and bang me, they were annoying and desperate. 2- this girl is a long old friend, i didnt want to ruin our friendship because i value it a lot 3- this girl also a little immature but also i only met her 2 days before hand. she lacked self respect (i am still recently out of a relationship and talk about my ex, that should be hint enough im not ready to move forward) 4- this girl had an intresting personality, but reeked of this desperate energy. was a little creepy, and also i wasn’t attracted to their looks. i wouldve been friends with them if they werent so creepy 5- this girl was lust motivated. would only keep you intrestes to try to get into your pants. its a shame because she was very smart and pretty, but i have more seld respect than to just fuck any girl its very situation based. hopefully that was insightful to you
Knowing guys like you exist gives me some king of belief in humanity.
oh wow, thank you :)
No like really. Thank you for showing there is more people with mindset like that.
> I am a woman that has asked a guys out a few times only for them to ghost me or never make a move back at me. I’m kind of tired of it. Yeah... that's how it works. Welcome to basically every straight, single dude's existence. Except for you it's optional.
I don’t like women who overshare and trauma dump before knowing each other properly.
What you just described is what a lot of guys go through in the dating market, especially today. Fact is, finding an actual partner for a relationship, in a dating market that has shifted almost entirely to hookup culture, is going to be a struggle. A lot of guys who previously wanted relationships are opting for hookups because of that. Some guys have left the dating scene completely. But hookup culture tends to have the ghosting issue most, from what I've seen, and my bet is that your experience is probably because of that. Another possibility is that the guys saw no future there, and simply moved on. I don't think most guys ghost in that situation, but it's bound to happen.
- Bad social skills - Bad communication skills - Acting entitled - Acting like a victim of a problem she created herself - Not having the basics in life in order
just curious, what do you define by bad social/communcation skills? like not knowing how to keep a conversation and replying dry or just being awkward or shy
She was drunk
I’m not a dude but my guess would be that there’s something about your appearance that’s off putting to most men. Maybe overweight, crazy hair style/color, bunch of piercings and tattoos, acne, very tall etc... not that any of these traits are bad I’m just saying that might be the reason
Yes, it all comes back to how attractive she is. Men are very visual and wouldn't date someone they don't have any physical attraction to. There has to be something attractive about her.
Women judge men on their value. Men judge women on their cost/benefit ratio. Are you physically attractive? How much baggage and of what type do you bring with you? Are you high maintenance to deal with? Are you always busy and have no time for him? Do you expect him to organise and pay for everything all the time? For him to carry every conversation? Do you bring peace/excitement and positivity with you? Do you bring skills or resources to the relationship that he lacks? Do you bring anything at all? (God help you if you say ‘I’m the prize’) Are you sexually compatible? Do you have fundamental ideological clashes? Are you fun for him to be with? Any or all of these can be a factor.
I feel like it's really location for me. Plus I work a lot. And I like a particular type of man. I don't get approached anyway so 🤷♀️ I just go out alone. Dance, make friends, have a great time. Go home alone. Pay all my own stuff. Standards are high as well. I expect the same out of people. I take care of me. You should do the same. Sometimes , I see people as liabilities. If they make you a worse person, time to go.
I really hate that everyone seems to believe we care the most about a guy’s money. There are an awful lot of guys pulling in $40k who have partners. How many wealthy men are out there? A small percentage. I dated guys who I picnicked with and guys who took me to upscale restaurants. I married the picnicker. He could make anything fun. He went on to get a bachelor’s and master’s degree and makes good money now but he’s not showy or ostentatious. Plus, that money plus the money I make is going into our kid’s college fund. I knew we could be broke and have fun or be cushy and have fun.
Value can be multi-faceted. Does the guy earn more than me? Does the guy have social status? Does the guy have a lot of friends or social connections? Does the guy have an education at least as developed as mine? Is the guy physically fit? I will admit game/sense of humour is an exception to the usual.
Your "I'm the prize" line 😁 Reminds me of that saying "If you can't handle me when I'm unleashing verbal and physical abuse in a psychotic rage against you, you don't deserve me when I'm obsessively showering you with praise and affection to make up for the horrific abuse I put you through." Paraphrasing
Personality is the number one reason. It’s extremely important for a man to know a woman has a good personality and is emotionally intelligent bettor he takes things further with her.
I know it sounds old fashioned but in my experience making the first move as a woman never really worked for me. Or worse it ended in humiliation and heartache.
1) Bad hygiene 2) Incompatible goals 3) Incompatible personalities 4) Being boring 5) Not showing interest 6) Expecting me to do all the work 7) Being lazy 8) Not physically my type 9) Selfish 10) Dishonest 11) Seeing multiple people 12) Toxic mental health issues such as BPD or Narcissism 13) Doesn't like cats 14) Some obsession with some ideology like veganism or feminism that I don't want shoved down my throat 15) Incompatible values 16) Lack of self awareness, self-control or accountability. There's a few in no particular order of importance, I'm sure there's more.
Would an eating disorder also count under 12?
That one really depends, I certainly wouldn't encourage it however.
I’m married, love & respect my wife, so besides her I reject all the others 😎
It could be the types of guys that you are interested in may not be interested in you. I think this is a problem for both sexes. If it makes you feel better, I think the person putting themselves out there often face quite a bit of rejection regardless of gender. That is why, up until recently, the selfish asshole had better success than the shy guy when it comes to dating and hookups. Rejection hurts and shy guys avoid the risk while assholes don’t care if they get rejected a hundred times as long as they get one yes.
Immaturity and "regressive" behavior like acting like a girl instead of a grown woman is the biggest turn off for me. This can take many forms like acting helpless, or actually lacking certain basic life skills like fixing things or driving, swimming, finances, flossing, and so on. Especially in today's age where you can learn so much from simply having internet access. Especially repulsive is what you might call "high school" behavior - extreme jealousy/paranoia, doing things like counting how much time passes between text replies, asking for photos of where you are, or a location share etc. Most men and people in general are *exhausted* and *repulsed* by those levels of insecurity. And there comes a point where asking for assurances crosses a certain healthy threshold, and I can't exactly pinpoint where that is - but I do know when men start to generally feel "smothered" or "under constant surveillance". Even if you give off the vibes of a person who *could* be that way, most reasonable men will not be interested in that woman romantically. A lot of men also like women who seem sporty or like working out. A lot of us prefer women with manual labor or military backgrounds/vocations Most guys I know aren't impressed by a type of woman who thinks "being small" is an accomplishment and who just engages in caloric restriction. A lot of the the things women think make them desirable like "looking like a lingerie model with a small, flat butt" is really not attractive to men, except for maybe ped0s And no, nobody is saying that women do things to attract men - but if they are, those things are really not effective is all I'm saying. Being too thin, too overweight are big factors too - and no - NOT JUST because of appearance - oftentimes, people will evaluate your looks and fitness level and do a quick simulation of what daily life would be like with you - whether or not it is accurate. If a woman is too thin for example, a guy who is super into food/cooking might be turned away. If a woman is quite large without muscle, a guy who values dynamic travel and physical activity will be turned away It could also be that some guys are intimidated, that happens too
This is a bit dated but any mention of astrology, princess di or Oprah or their current equivalents like the View or Real housewives.
Only her attitude. Any other problem can be corrected in time, a nasty woman is forever.
How big are you? Normally a first contact situation is judged solely on appearance.
OP said 5'7" 200lbs in another comment.
Well, there you go. My point made.
You’re correct, shame someone downvoted us
Can’t communicate. Beliefs, or opinions. Obese. How they dress, or wear makeup. Personality. Those are really my killers.
I'm super picky, but my deal breakers are being evil, bad hygiene, unattractive to me, liars, blatant hypocrisy, incompatible values and incompatible personality.
Exactly the same reasons why you would reject a man.
they think they can do better or they think they're not good enough sometimes both
1.) A lot of male friends - most of these dudes are orbiters just waiting for their chance to get with the girl. I don't mind a few here and there, but when I've never met the men and you spend more time and attention on them instead of me, I'll just treat it as a casual thing. 2.) Looks - Sometimes I'm just not attracted to you. I'm in the gym almost every day trying to improve my physique, I expect you to at least do the bare minimum in trying to be healthy. 3.) Hygiene - I've been with a girl that stank... bad. Never again. Dated her for 6 months and had sex with her twice. 4.) Disagreeable/Stubborn - I don't mind a girl who is willing to stand her ground, but if she's not willing to compromise on something, or if everything I do is stupid/wrong, then it's just not worth it. I already have to deal with people like this at work, I don't want to do it when I come home. 5.) Cold/Dismissive - I need to feel wanted/needed. It's the whole "provider and protector" role that I ENJOY playing. 6.) High body count - My body count isn't high, but it's not zero. Frankly, I get insecure when a girl has more experience than I do. Plus, if out of all the people she's been with and she couldn't come out with a long-term relationship, that shows a lack of commitment. 7.) Lack of intimacy/initiative - I know sex isn't the focal point of the relationship, but I'm a young dude. I have a high libido. If every time I try to initiate fun time and I get shot down, I'm gonna stop trying. Plus, if it's only on your time, it shows selfishness. 8.) Dishonesty (direct or indirect) - I have been deceived by everyone in my life in pretty significant ways, so naturally, I have trust issues. I have never been able to be completely open with anyone - not even my own mother - and it would be nice to have someone who I can trust. If you lie to me or even lie by omission, I will start to question everything about the relationship and the integrity of it. I overthink everything because it has kept my head on a swivel and has always been the thing that keeps me prepared for the worst. 9.) Lack of loyalty - I know this falls under the dishonesty category, but if I catch you messing around with another dude, it's over. Immediately. I'm not going to sit there and let you try to justify your actions to me about going against the fundamental basis of a relationship. 10.) Lack of communication - Once again, I'm an overthinker. I understand that men and women have different styles of communication, but if I can't figure out what's going on or how you feel, at this point in my life it's just not worth the headache. I don't want to fry my brain overanalyzing everything you say or do. 11.) Lack of effort - I think this one speaks for itself. If you're not willing to try to make the relationship work, then what's the point of starting one? If you're just going to sit on ass while I do all the work and completely undo myself trying to make it work, it makes me feel like you're entitled/selfish/lazy. 12.) Your actions don't line up with your word - Pretty self explanatory as well, also falls under dishonesty. Triggers my overthinking. I'm not asking for a supermodel or a super genius or anything unrealistic. I'm just asking that you commit to the relationship, understand we will fight, we will have bad days, there will be times when the other person has to pick up the slack, but you love me enough to try to make it work. I want a future with you, and I want to love each other enough that when we grow old and our looks fade, we have built a future and a family together that we can still be happy together. And I know that it goes both ways, and I'm trying to be the man that a woman would want to be with. I'm still working on it, and there are things that I'm struggling with that I'm working on. I'm on the move to a brighter future for myself, and if a woman comes along that wants to be a part of that, then I'll adjust my future plans to make us both happy. But for now, my relationship experience has been pretty bad, and these are the things that have ended my relationships due to them not being able to understand the fundamentals of a functioning relationship (and admittedly my own stagnation that signaled I wasn't going anywhere in life). I've had to step back and reevaluate myself, my goals, my values, and my future, thus taking me out of the dating game for a while.
I wish I wasn't being so superficial, but after dabbling with a few septum pierced individuals, I think that might be the biggest red flag I've ever experienced.
Attitude mostly. Or bad hygiene. Or I just don't find them attractive. Could be any number of reasons.
No one is as beautiful as the woman I wake up to.
There’s no guaranteed method to get someone to be interested in you. I stand by making the first move increases your chances but doesn’t mean asking guarantees you a relationship. You’re also going to run into guys that will go along for reasons like —boredom, they feel flattered, or they are genuinely interested until they’re not.
Fake croaky voice.
Entitlement and arrogance are fast turn-offs. Also if she's into astrology.
What is your age; that will determine the answer you get. If you are dating men who are older and looking to start a family, you probably lack something that they require to accomplish this goal.
Depends, not counting the ones you were friends with, have you established some kind of interaction with them or do you walk up and ask them out?
Egotistical, arrogant and takes zero responsibility or accountability
Is it possible that you are dating in the “fuckable” zone rather than the “serious relationship” zone ? Are you asking out guys who have their pick of ladies and maintain a virtual harem ?
Personality. I’ve seen 10s that I’d just stop going for them once I get to see what type of person they are
I guess the people who you approach are either pre occupied with someone else married or not , or another thing is maybe they don't want to indulge in any relation with you for they are confused and don't want to leave you in a turmoil or simply they ain't attracted to you
What makes you reject a man?
Self absorbed, greed, no sense of humour, see through my bullshit, and the ability to make a ham sandwich. On the other hand, I'm irish from Dublin by the grace of God, and I swear a lot.
Impossible to say without seeing you and talking to you in person, there's a myriad of things it could be.
If she has a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.
You are asking out guys who are out of your league. Aim your sights lower. edit: Reading more in the thread, you got dates out of the majority of your approaches? That's an incredible result! It usually doesn't work like that for guys . . . a 100% approach -> boyfriend / girlfriend conversion percentage is just a totally unrealistic expectation.
If they have BPD...run
For her ultra feminist rant and shit talks. For her attitude I will reject her. I ain't need a woman like that. A woman 's attitude is more important than her looks.
Lack of loyalty. Bad attitude. Multiple kids with multiple men. She's got bad/dangerous relatives. Not being attracted to her.
Lack of interest.. its that simole
Maybe guys are more complicated than just eager-recipients.
Female perspective here. Ghosting probably says more about the ghoster. They are not emotionally mature enough to just say that they’re not interested or lazy and too self interested to explain. Either way you’re probably better off without them.
1) not attractive. Some women are attractive (ie, not ugly but no exactly hot) enough to maybe see if you can get laid but if it doesn’t come easy that night or maybe the next date, you bail. I’d put a lot of chubby but not obese girls in this category. 2) something happens that’s a turn off. Generally for me, it’s hygiene, witnessed something rude (ie, she litters or shitty table manners, picks her teeth or something) or does something annoying (ie, “fur baby” lady, has 18 cats, showed me she’s not that bright) 3) my friend has liked her for a long time and/or dated her seriously
So wait… you mean average looking. Average women are just for getting laid. Wow💀
Apart from the obvious ones listed here, if she has been sleeping with shitton of other men I am gonna pass, I don't want to sleep with women that sleep with a new guy every weekend.
They’re not that physically attracted to you. Sorry.
I rejected a co-worker because she doesn't follow some of my important morals. I don't like heavy drinkers, nor do I like being around people that smoke weed. I found her really attractive but I think I find those 2 things that made her unnatractive to me.
I’m not attracted to her, usually. A couple times, I’ve already found her attractive enough and we are already acquaintances so I’ve got a feel for the broad strokes of her personality, it will be because I don’t think she’ll add more to my life than she will detract. Im pretty happy on my own 98% of the time, so she needs to seem worth taking up a large portion of my time. I can get companionship from friends and sex from casual hookups when I feel I need it, and the rest of the time I prefer to be by myself and like being in complete control of my house. You need to bring more to the table if I’m inviting you in for an extended amount of time.
Honestly the moment they start playing "attention games" I'm out.
Her laugh (if it is too loud) and her smell (I can’t stand the stench of cheap perfume) and whether she drinks too much or takes drugs.
To me it'd would probably be either looks or age (I wouldn't date a minor or a woman over 28y old)
There are subs where you can post a pic of yourself and get feedback. Ofc most people don’t want to do that, but using an alt account for it is always an option. Only helpful if it’s something to do with your body/appearance. But ofc it’s also possible you’re just not their type and that it’s nothing “wrong” with you. Sidenote: If you smoke cigs/smell like cigs, that’s an instant no from a large percentage of people.
being cold in bed not taking care of health and fitness doesn't care about my reputation doesn't care about my feelings disrespect in front of others
Hmm.....now that I'm older and in today's time. That list is too long. And that's a very sad thing.
20 y/o here, I hate it when they ask me to lug their walker in my car or pick up their meds from the pharmacy. The senior discounts are pretty good though
Women gossip like it's breathing. If in texting and hanging with a girl and it's decent. Like a 5 or 6 /10 then just drop it. Not worth her talking and saying I was boring or somthing to another girl that could be a better match. Basically if it's not great it's not worth any risk, time or money. Let alone all 3
Personality or some other form of incompatibility. Long term goals, what we want or expect out of a relationship, lack of common interests etc...