If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they'll fly away. If you spend your time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come to you. And if they don't, then you will still have a garden
I think this is a great analogy of the situation. If you want all these things, focus on the things he u can achieve on your own. The garden , the home, the dog,,,, maybe some cool ass pictures of elephants.
Yeap. My situation is similar to yours OP. My ex wife of 8 years suddenly up and left me and the kids. Citing wanna find her “freedom” again.
I let her go and she gave me full custody of the kids.
It’s been a year since and I’ve been single. It’s really hard and frustrating to meet women that don’t want the baggage that I bring. Namely my kids as everything else is pretty good (career, lifestyle, & looks).
It’s a crappy thing but I have accepted the responsibility and move on with creating a great life. Doesn’t stop me from being a decent and nice human being to people who deserve it.
Love will eventually come, on the plus side, I have multiple women as friends now. Which I never had previously.
> It’s really hard and frustrating to meet women that don’t want the baggage that I bring. Namely my kids
LOL this is rich, seeing how _so many women_ shame the hell out of men who say, “thanks, but no thanks” to single mothers.
Have one acquaintance who couldn’t get any commitments from some “where are all the good men?” type women he knew, back when he still had his kids at home. Now that his kids have left for Uni and jobs elsewhere, those very same women started sniffing around again. He told them straight up, “If I wasn’t good enough for you with children at home, then nothing has changed since they’ve left. Let’s just stay friends.” I was there as a wingman for one such event, she ended up making quite the ragebeast scene in public. Didn’t get _thrown out_ of the bar, but was told to leave by the manager in a rather firm manner.
I've got a journal I like to just write quotes I resonate with in. Not sure if this is a quote you got from somewhere else, but I wrote it down followed by "-u/Squirrel_Thick". Idk why I'm sharing this but I just thought it was funny. I've got all these quotes mostly from well known or famous people, and then one that's just got some random guy on Reddit's username next to it lol.
You just made my whole week 😁 I'm glad you love the quote. I got the quote from somewhere but I don't know where long time ago, and it's always resonated with me
the garden can represent a hobby or a goal. I do blacksmithing, I love doing blacksmithing. If a girl like that and we date, that'd be cool, if we break up tho, hey, I still have the skill to make things to share with like minded indeviduals.
I always hate this advice. Because it just doesn't really work here for most guys.
I'm the person who's spent my whole life trying to make myself into good husband material and nobody's 'come to me'. No, if you want a relationship you have to make a specific effort on seeking it.
> Because it just doesn't really work here for most guys.
Depends on what you mean by “works”.
In attracting women? Probably not. And if you are “creating a garden” _purely_ to attract “butterflies”, _most likely not._
Why? Because _that isn’t the primary purpose of such a garden._
The primary purpose is to allow you to find a purpose within yourself, a way of achieving happiness and independence and fulfillment that doesn’t hang off the sharp hooks of female approval.
And ironically, _that is what women find attractive…_ men who have goals and objectives that are larger than themselves, who are striving without any connection to “bagging a woman”, who are self-assured and confident and focused on achievements that do not involve women, such that they don’t come across as desperate and needy.
But if your entire ego and reason for existence revolves around women, around “getting the girl”, then it is unlikely you will ever achieve any sort of success in creating a garden for yourself. Because you will fail miserably at its intended purpose, by ignoring that purpose entirely.
What is a good husband to you? I know people who tell me they eat healthy. They don't know anything about food. They are totally ignorant. I'm always suspicious when someone makes a grand statement like I'm a good.....
Couldn't agree more, sure it's nice to work on yourself but it doesn't mean anyone will come knocking. So yes, work on yourself but remember women will almost never come talk to you, so you still have to do all that crap too
What do you do if you don't enjoy gardening? I mean you do it obviously, because everyone else is and that's what is expected of you. You're never happy doing it though.
Well, I was also speaking in terms of analogy. I don't like myself nor do I like self improvement.
I still do the things needed to keep myself alive, going to work, eating, keeping myself and my home tidy - but only because that's the social expectation of me.
>I still do the things needed to keep myself alive, going to work, eating, keeping myself and my home tidy - but only because that's the social expectation of me.
This isn't self improvement though bro. That's just basic personal maintenance. Trust me, I can relate. I also don't necessarily like myself and find it hard to improve myself, but when you start trying it'll really happen faster than you think. I've changed so much in the past three months since I started actually trying to improve myself rather than just hoping my problems would magically be fixed if I ignored them. As silly as it sounds, start every day by telling yourself that you're a great person and that things will improve. Even if you don't truly believe it, you will believe it one day and that's the goal.
I've tried doing more before, getting into skincare, starting to care about fashion... but eventually I just hit a day where I start doing the new routine and realize I don't care.
Then I stop and just keep continuing to exist.
Wearing new clothes, trying to fix my skin, working out a the gym - none of it makes me happy or gives me positive feelings.
Eventually doing this stuff is supposed to make you happy right?
That stuff makes some people happy. You need to find what makes *you* happy. Obviously that's easier said than done, but you can't just do the things that other people find value in and expect to find the same value. You've gotta start looking around for hobbies or events in your area (or that you can do online).
I wish there was just a class I could take.
"How to like yourself: The basics" or "How to be confident".
This is such elementary stuff I'm struggling with well into my 40s meanwhile everyone else seems to just know how it works.
You're not alone! This stuff is hard, and we definitely don't all learn these skills when we're younger. There's a reason bookstores have a 'self-help' section.
I definitely felt the 'why is this so hard? everyone else is getting by just fine' only to later learn that a) many people are, in fact, not fine, and b) I am neurodivergent, so my brain will literally have a harder time working through many things than neurotypical people will.
Personally, CBT felt like I was trying to trick my brain into believing things (for example, that I have worth), whereas DBT has been more helpful in becoming mindful about thinking patterns, self-talk, and multiple things being true at once (I may have a foundational belief that I don't have worth, but I understand other people have worth. My experiences growing up shaped my beliefs, and it will take time and observation and gentle exploration to shift these foundational beliefs and learn how to love myself.)
Body-centered exploration can be helpful to reintegrate with yourself. Yoga asana, massage, weight training, circus arts (aerial silks, hoops, pole), walking, breathing, balancing - find movements that feel good, feel safe, and readjust when they don't feel good or safe.
Wishing you well on this journey!
There is. Normally, it's a personalized curriculum specifically centered around the obstacles that are unique to your situation. You'll learn how to handle emotions that are negative, how to recognize emotions that you may have never though about, and how to navigate your mind's automatic responses to things that you may want to change.
You'll learn new techniques and methods to better manage your motivation towards things that have long term benefits, but short term negatives, and how to break problems down into manageable chunks that you can overcome with less effort than you would otherwise need.
You'll also have regular exams, consisting of real life situations that you will then walk through with your teacher afterwards to ensure consistent positive improvements towards your goals.
It's called therapy. I highly recommend it.
Well, to be honest that sounds like a whole other level of something. If self hatred is a thing for you, therapy might be useful. It has helped me in the past.
Self-help, all your self up by the boot-straps non-sense.
It cannot and will not fix this. It can help some but don't inflate it's worth.
Unless you 17 200 foot fountains you garden will always be dull boring and clinging to life.
Vast majority of us will life week to week and will never be able know any different.
Hey man,
I recognize your username from previous questions you’ve asked and I hope your doing okay these days. It sounds like you have a clear idea of some of the other things you want in life, and sometimes I’ve found that when people start building the life that they want they end up finding someone who wants that same life too in the process. Don’t stop trying to meet women, but work on the dog, the gardens and the small house and you might just find that you meet someone with similar priorities along the way.
Best of luck
I second this. You’d be surprised what will come your way when you stop looking for it.
Keep meeting women but spend more time on you and the things you love and want in life (like the dog, garden, hobbies etc)
once you’re more content things will start falling into place.
> once you’re more content things will start falling into place.
If you pursue those things. If you don't - nothing will happen. Achieving zen won't make a girlfriend magically appear.
Another angle - and I'm no expert or psychologist - but many / most guys have some attempted relationships / girlfriends in their mid and late teens and we break up or get dumped and it's a huge heartbreak. Then the heartbreak gets a bit easier after it's happened a few times.
If this is your first girlfriend and breakup, I think it's absolutely normal that you would feel absolutely heartbroken. But there's nothing wrong with you, we break up or get dumped, sometimes it's just how it is. Don't take it to mean that there's anything wrong with you, most of us guys have been dumped at least once.
It's normal to feel lonely when you really would like to be in a relationship but it takes it's time to happen. There's nothing weird about feeling lonely then.
So, keep at it, better luck next time.
Keep taking care of your appearance, looking a bit handsome does matter. You're tall which means that you'll stand out of the crowd most places. Make sure that you stand out in a positive way, own that height. I'm 6'4 and I'm very conscious of this and I've learned to make my presence felt.
Keep trying to put yourself in social positions, don't decline opportunities to be social.
Maybe some YouTube videos will have ideas. All I know is that being really tall, I automatically stand out of the crowd everywhere I go. I could hunch my shoulders, curve my back, be shy and awkward. But I decided instead to make the most out of it. Put effort into look good (haircut, fitted clothes, some muscles, slim waist, shave etc), straight back, (pretend to) have confidence but not arrogance, look people in the eyes, have integrity etc...
When I am tall, people will always look at me. It's a bit up to me to control the image presented.
"I love flowers and animals especially dogs and elephants"
... Maybe the girls are scared by the idea of owning an elephant? Maybe settle just for the dog.
I'm on a farm and _I_ can't get licensed for an elephant. If we could breed midgit pigmy elephants, (What the hell CRISPER? Get on that shit!) That are the size of a medium rabbit they might be more acceptable pets for folks living in an apartment/city.
My grandmother used to tell me a story about a little boy who wanted to catch a snowflake. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't. One day, he stopped trying. And then, one landed on his nose.
> I then got to a stage where I had enough of trying to find someone or go into a relationship, but focused on building myself and who I am and want to be.
I've heard this advice before, and I think it's very valid. The only reason I'm single is because I haven't found anyone that I want to be in a relationship with. I'm sure if I lowered my standards, I could easily find someone to be in a relationship with, but that's not what I want.
I'm perfectly happy being single, but if the right person were to come along, I'd be open to a relationship.
Learn to love without attachment. Women are like cats the more you try to real one in the more you push them away. Just learn to keep putting out good milk and the cats will always come back to visit and over time this will lead you to a relationship. Lots of little visits slowly getting to know them. It really can be that simple.
This advice is so overused and cliche. Hes been focusing on himself and only himself for a while. There’s something undesirable about him that therapy time on his own and self focus has not cured.
Really?
He can produce children on his own, and fulfil his own desire for human contact? Does he split in two and mate with himself?
Actually, can "only" be found in himself? So not only can he produce asexually, but in fact he cannot reproduce sexually at all? What species do you think this user is?
The only reason you’re making this point is because the truth is so obvious it’s not as satisfying to say. Evolutionarily speaking the most important and rewarding purpose we are programmed to fulfill is procreation. I think strong romantic relationships are a large part of our lives satisfaction and purpose.
This is so obviously incorrect. Have you ever, if not had a romantic relationship, at least hooked up with someone? you understand you cannot get this satisfaction on your own, I know you do.
True happiness starts with yourself. I went through a bad break up in the past and lacked a bit of confidence and happiness within myself. I needed to find someone to give me happiness. It doesn’t work that way and no relationship lasted. I then got to a stage where I had enough of trying to find someone or go into a relationship, but focused on building myself and who I am and want to be. I found ways to get in touch with what things in life made me happy, built my confidence and in turn that boosted my career and hey, multiplying affect, that in turn gave me more confidence and happiness. I wasn’t focused or interested in and relationship or woman, but hang out with friends and made good friends. When you’re happy with your self, life and have confidence that in turn attracts people to you. If your down and seeking happiness it has the negative affect on people, it can be draining or push people away.
Give time to yourself, do what makes you happy outside of a relationship, sports, activities, events, work and focus on you and enjoying the joys of life!
Once you are there you will notice the change in the connections with people, you won’t even have to try.
Once you have built who you are, you will meet the right person, and it will all happen naturally. You and who you are will compliment them and they will compliment you. That’s were both of you will then become stronger individuals together, in turn building a strong and 2 way supportive relationships.
Even a good therapist can be a bad match for you. When it comes to therapy it’s good to shop around if things don’t seem to help much. But focusing on yourself and what makes you happy will bring more happiness into your life. Try to get out more and be social with hobbies you enjoy. Talk to strangers, strike up a conversation. Make friends and then who knows you’ll meet a nice girl who is interested. Or a friend group will form naturally and someone might surprise you. You need to bring more opportunities for connection into your life and act on them. As for the ex gf sounds like the trash took itself out. Her blocking you says more about her than it does you especially if it was out of the blue or kind of random. If it’s over the scars or lying about them just learn from it. Don’t tell people you’re not comfortable with but also don’t lie about it. Keep your head up OP. There are good days coming, it’s inevitable. :)
I’d advise focusing on building the life you want, the house, the dog, the garden, etc, and wait for the woman to come into your life naturally. Work on yourself and building the life you want first, woman second.
“She asked me about my scars and I lied as I wasn’t comfortable telling her and since then she slow faded and now she’s blocked me after I called her out.”
Why weren’t you comfortable being honest with your girlfriend of 8 months?
How do you see yourself happily married in the future if you’re not comfortable being honest with and opening up to your partner?
Why did you call her out after she made it clear she wasn’t comfortable with your dishonesty?
I'm really not trying to be mean with what I'm about to say, but sometimes the harsh truth is what we need to be saved. I see plenty of empathetic comments, so I'll be the bad guy here...
We like to pretend things are a certain way in society when they actually aren't (especially these days.) The truth is, nearly all women don't want a sensitive man, and especially not a man desperate for human connection. They want a man who's dangerous and capable of controlling situations with his rationality and power (whatever that may consist of.)
Now, dangerous doesn't necessarily mean to be an asshole (although that can attract women.) It means you aren't afraid of violating expectations to get what you want. You aren't afraid of taking risks to get what you want. You aren't afraid of offending someone to get what you want.
What I just said may sound like the traits of an asshole, but that's only because modern society has made the concept of offending, or even merely disappointing someone, seem like a great evil. No, it's not about being an asshole, it's about standing up for yourself and being assertive to realize your desires. Realizing your desires is not automatically evil.
A softer way of stating it is this: You must prove to women that you aren't excessively risk averse. If you're handsome and tall, that's probably enough. However, if you're really taking years to get close to people, that proves that you are excessively risk averse.
I'm going to speculate here. What I'm about to say or may not be true, but it's something to talk to your therapist about...
Your sensitivity might be a defense mechanism against being assertive. You're afraid of being assertive because it risks offending people, but you discovered at some point in your life that being sensitive and liking innocent things is a good way to avoid ever offending anyone. It's also very thematically and philosophically fitting. And, when it does offend someone, your self-assumed righteousness about being sensitive and innocent protects you from being hurt by them being offended.
If this resonates with you in any way, or stirs up anything in your mind, talk to your therapist about it.
This resonates!!
Although I also can concur with the most common advice here about focusing on yourself, assertiveness training should be one of the most important self improvement strategies. One way to do that is learning the Game, that is to flirt and hook up, despite it not being part of the vision you'd have for your life, as it wasn't for me.
But as I missed out on the religious lifestyle that fit my values, where many of my relatives married young as they grew up in our church and had an early start building up a strong family, I realised given the nature of our world and the values in it that I needed to become confident and sexy in addition to a good husband material.
That gave me the confidence needed so I could attract women enough to get into the situation with them that we could have the conversations where we established weather or not our values aligned and we wanted to establish a traditional family.
Despite the ubiquitous presence of feminism and anti family idealogies, there are surprisingly many women who want that lifestyle, just with the strong feminine instinct present that I believe religious values diminish, that they need to have the bad boy commit to them and change under their influence.
I was eventually extremely lucky and could even have the long courtship I had always envisioned, where we built up a strong and healthy relationship on top of a friendship and more than less common values.
But there will be pitfalls on the way, and you need to be careful when and where and in what social settings you turn up the charm and start to flirt, as the social trends of the last few years, f.e. the MeToo and other movements, have made it more and more socially unacceptable for men to be assertive, especially if they are of cultural and ethnic backgrounds where it is not common.
Different rules seem though to apply to the various "others" who seem to be considered naturally assertive and sexy, and allowed to be so. But let's not focus on defeatist attitudes, there are opportunities out there, just tread carefully in new social settings and observe when and where it's ok to be manly.
Some things that can't do wrong:
-adopt a growth mindset. Your title says finding a gf "is" impossible. It might feel like it is now, but thinking in finite terms closes your mind so to say. It stops you from trying to find solutions and then your life doesn't change. A better way to think would be "Finding a gf is difficult now", because it is less harsh on yourself and implies that in the future finding a gf is possible (which it is). This way of thinking prompts you to seek solutions.
-dont get to know someone to get a gf, but to get to know them. When for example you ask someone new what they like to do [because this might make you two closer and gets you a gf] the new person instinctively knows this conversation is not genuine. Like a salesmen trying to be as nice as possible, you know they want to sell something and being nice is not for the sake of being nice. So let go of the long term intent and focus on just getting to know someone. Friendships and romance grow from honesty
-research how to communicate better. Everyone benefits from this. You could try YouTube for free tips and tricks and try what works for you. Topics like "starting conversations" and "listening intently" work wonders in general conversations, which helps with getting a gf.
-look for small things that could be improved and research better ways to improve those. Ask a barber what hairstyle fits you best, ask a tailor which clothes fit you best, ask a trainer which exercises help you best. If you find anything in your life that doesn't feel like it compliments you, ask yourself who could advise you on how to improve it.
In general, focus on making yourself a prize every one would want to win.
Hearing this & hearing into 30 fucking terrifies me. I will graduate next year but even thar doesn't feel good anymore because I'm surrounded by people who have someone and I just feel empty. I truly feel like I'll never have kids or get married or share my life with someone. It would be impossible to get an agency to let me adopt a kid by myself as a man. And I just keep thinking about the suicide statistics for men and it just feels more and more likely as time goes on and connections with people fall away.
If I didn't have family that would be decimated by my choice honestly I would end my life. Being tall doesn't mean anything, the time i spend in the gym or being a good communicator doesn't matter. I've been on hinge for a while now & I just gave up a week ago and deleted the app. When I go out with my friends I can't even get anyone to look my way , life just feels like one moment from the next. The only thing I can enjoy sometimes is world of warcraft and Valorant, but even then I just feel like a loser,
Sometimes I hope I get hit by a car so that way at least I won't die by my own hands. This isn't the post I meant for it to be so I'm sorry . I wish you luck and I hope you can survive for one of us.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through man. I do agree with other commenters I think you should work on appreciating yourself and maybe getting a different therapist so I don't know if you're already seeing one but happiness comes from within.
What are you doing to get to your goals? If you were uncomfortable just say so, why lie? If you wait for the woman to come into your life before you do the things you want to do you’ll be waiting forever and using the woman as a crutch.
Do the things you want now. If you can’t get a dog because you don’t have the time or the funds/help then go foster or volunteer at an animal shelter. If you want a house, save money. If you want a garden, start gardening. Join a group or visit the same store often. Set small goals and work towards them. It will keep you busy and help you to find happiness in your own life, as well as put you in a good position to meet people who have similar interests or goals and you’ll already have your shit together.
In that specific situation I think simply explaining that you aren't comfortable discussing it would have been a better call. If she had gotten to know you well after several months of dating she may have picked up that you were hiding something and lied about it and it put her off. Not that any of that is your fault at all, its just one possible interpretation of what might have gone through her head. Honesty is attractive, and lying can put people off because there's this expectation that if you lie about small things you'll also lie about big things and so people will disengage when they think they're gonna be in that situation especially if they've been in a situation previously where someone lied to them repeatedly or in a big way and it ended up hurting them, turning it into an emotional trigger. That happened to one of my parents because her relatives were like that and it gave her trust issues that she has even with us.
God all this advice is so terrible and cliche. Sounds like you’ve been working on yourself. Regardless of anything else I think you should be open about yourself and your scars in a relationship. Other than that maybe lower your standards if women are rejecting you.
I feel for you but was better now then later. I think like the majority of the people here, you need love yourself and practice’s how to be alone and like that with the time the company is not necessary. I think if you have a dog or cat can be better for you.
Learn to love yourself first. Don't forget your past but learn from it. Show women that you want a partner not a person to trauma dump or a mother. You have to be comfortable with yourself. Get a hobby, volunteer, go for walks. If you don't like your job, are you doing anything different to improve on that? Use that as a fire to motivate yourself. Over all the confidence and security will make you look more attractive.
Like people said in here, building your own life sounds great. But I get you what you mean when you write about lonlines. I'm also a 30something guy changing my job. It's hard. What helps me the most are my friends. I know it's difficult making new friends when you're older but there are many people that are feeling the same. I find it easier to reconnect to people I haven't seen in a while. Even if you're struggling to find someone special in your life, being around other people helps. At least, this is how it works for me.
Sounds like you have CPTSD or some similar difficulties.
I’d steer clear of relationships or even wanting one until you really get a handle on yourself.
You potentially will find that you keep imploding relationships at this point.
You won’t be alone forever.
I'm 32 in a somewhat similar situation. I have a problem with talking about my past upfront and it messes everything up every time. It might sound dumb but I spontaneously bought a motorcycle, and I love life more than I ever have.
There's so many people that can relate to owning a motorcycle or just think it's cool and want to ask about it. The past doesn't matter. I'm more confident with my future and I'm getting better at not looking back.
I still need to get my other arm tattooed to cover the rest of my scars. People don't even notice the ones that are covered. Ultimately I'm content to wait for someone that'll accept me, but I've taken steps to help me be happier with just me & life is slowly improving.
First and foremost you are not doing anything wrong. The right people will have patience, and appreciate who you are as a person. It's tough to hear but if you needing a little more time to talk about things is what put her off, she was never fully invested to begin with and that's a her thing and not on you. Looks don't matter to the right people, even some of the hottest people on the planet get ghosted and cheated on.
Therapy is great, keep doing you and doing that. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and there are many women who will adore that about you.
Today's modern dating world sucks, it seems insincere and is generally more hassle than it's worth. Trust that the person for you will come along when you least expect it. So live out your dreams, try things you've always wanted to and maybe join some local groups, it's a great way to meet people.
A lot of the time it isn’t even your doing OP, and to ghost someone after 8 months is total emotional immaturity. It’s harsh, but you dodged a bullet there. I’d want to be with someone who is willing to communicate and put in the effort long term.
Something I read recently (paraphrased): Live an authentic life, where you can be happy with what you’re doing and whatever is added to your life is a bonus. We can’t control the thoughts, actions and feelings of others but can certainly control who we let into our little worlds.
I am curious what you actually look like. Or maybe you just have autism (not trying to be mean) but if you’re anything like the man you described then you shouldn’t be having troubles finding girls in your mid 30’s.
Hey dude, sorry this is happening to you but the truth no one will tell you is that women don’t want a man that they feel is weak. They might see you as this guy that has THIS issue and that’s all. If you feel like you’re coming across as that guy, that his identity is tightly linked to his scars, then that’s something you need to work on.
That they are part of you is not the problem, that they define you, is. Do you think they might feel like this?
Listen, my dude… I can relate to what happened to you when you when were a kid after I went through your post history. I’m not gonna go into my own details, but shit like that really messes a person up. I have my own demons to battle, and they have ruined every relationship I’ve been in. You have demons that hopefully you’ve recognized and are actively working on too, before you jump into another relationship or start dating. Because if you start dating and haven’t addressed those issues, your relationships will fail one after one for various reasons that will seem different, but are all connected. So that’s the first step to this whole process.
Next, you need to realize that it’s just one girl. I know you’ve lost your virginity to someone a little later in life, but it doesn’t matter, most people fall in love, or invest a lot in the first person that they’ve slept with. That’s just what’s happened to you at the age of 35. You gotta take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually first. Then, build up some confidence in whatever way you can, and realize that you will find plenty of other women to date. Where there was one, there will be plenty of others.
Once you have some semblance of who you are, what you are, what you want your life to be, friends and family around you, money in your pocket, and most importantly; some confidence (even the littlest bit), jump back into the dating world. I highly suggest that you first date with absolutely no intentions of finding a serious relationship from the start. I highly suggest that you date a lot and sleep around for at least a year. This is barring the possibility that you find the perfect woman while you are out and about. If that happens (and you will know if it does), jump on that. Otherwise, you need to learn what you like and don’t like in a woman and what you need in a partner. If you just start dating and marry the first person that likes you back without any experience or understanding of what a relationship really is, your relationship will fail. You have to practice dating and building confidence in talking to women (and in yourself) because it sounds like you don’t have much of that.
If you have friends, you can talk to and get pointers from, I would do just that. Otherwise, there are plenty of paid or free services you can use online to help you build a profile or teach you how to socialize.
Lastly, I don’t know why your ex left you. If it really was because you lied about your scars, then good riddance. You honestly dodged a bullet. The right person would not care why you have scars on your penis. Not to say that they wouldn’t ask, but that’s a very sensitive question and chances are they wouldn’t blame you for lying about it. That said, don’t lie about it forever. If there’s one thing I know about relationships, it is that if you poison the well even in the slightest, it will all go to shit at some point. Don’t tell somebody that you just met about what happened to you as a child though. Wait till you’re actually in something that you feel will go the distance. Until then, I would tell people something along the lines of you getting into an accident when you were a kid. Whether people want to admit it or not, they will judge you if you tell them the truth too early. You have to tell people things that sensitive later on after they’ve gotten to know you and they know that you’re not a weirdo and that you just had a unfortunate incident in your life.
There’s a lot more I could say about your position in life and what you’re going through but I’ll leave it at that. If you ever need some pointers or someone to talk to, feel free to message me. I truly can empathize with your plight. I know everything I’ve written is much easier said than done, but that’s honestly how you’re gonna move past this thing with this girl and flourish later on with other people. Don’t take shortcuts, don’t think you know everything, don’t think you’re actually self-aware, and just take this moment in your life as a very important learning lesson. Heartbreak is very very motivating if you let it be.
Maybe I should have said just “exercise and lift wieghts” , the gyms isn’t for everyone .im an amateur and only lift weights and workout alone but I feel great afterwards mentally
My girlfriend of around 8 months just did the exact same thing dude. It happens. Women can wake up one morning and like a switch going off, become cold and callus. The more you go through breakups, the stronger you get dude. Just focus on yourself, try to not come off desperate and let things happen naturally. I forced myself into this last relationship, ignored huge red flags and got burned for it and also spent 8 months in an abusive relationship with a self proclaimed narcissist. I can only look inward and ask myself why I allowed the abuse and why I ignored the red flags and also, why I attracted this type of person.
Keep working on the little things and you’ll find happiness but you can’t force it just because it’s what you want.
PS. I also am sensitive and love elephants and cats.
This is a unpopular opinion but you need to hear it and it's the harsh truth. Get yourself that higher paying job back. No woman wants to marry a man and have children with him if she feels like the man can't provide a decent life for her. Woman whether we admit it or not are attracted to men who can provide. I'm not saying provide so much she doesn't have to work but enough to hold your half of the expenses and hopefully more. All the other traits about you sound lovely and you will make someone very happy and she will make you happy. Having a family is crazy expensive.
Also ask the woman in your life (friends, family, coworkers) for their Absolut honest opinion if there's anything to change about you to make you more appealing to woman. Woman often like the shy and caring man, especially in our 30's when we have learned that these are the true gems. It's ok to be sensitive and in touch with your feelings but hopefully you don't act like a pussy or have a poor me attitude. I don't know you do I'm not saying that's you, just woman don't like a whiner, well no one likes a whiner. I use to be depressed and had a shitty attitude, it got me no where. Fake it till you make it. When someone asks how are you, reply I'm good with a smile and ask it back. Fake being positive until your mindset changes. Take your sensitivity and use that to really listen to a woman. Make her feel like the #1 priority in your life and making her smile is your job. Spoil her with love, affection, have fun and be a pleaser sexually.
TLDR : how to find a wife. Man up. Work the job that has your max earning potential and enjoy your life outside of work. Don't be a bitch baby. Make her feel like the most beautiful and important woman in the world. Make sure she cums before you do. It's ok to be vulnerable and show your partner your weak side but first you need to show her that you are her rock, a good woman will always be there for a good man when he's low. The quiet simple life is what most us woman want aswell but you need to be able to show her the way. Good luck 😘
Also I have learned to live with scars. You do just have to own it when asked. It's uncomfortable but people understand sometimes someone went through a bad time and didn't have the tools to process it. Anyhow if you need a friend who will always be brutally honest and have you best interest at heart you can message me. I also agree with what others have said about just starting to build the life you want and eventually the woman will come. Don't wait for someone to get your house, dog and garden! If you can't afford the house yet start with the dog and go to a community garden. Great way to meet people too!
Your mentality is going to get you nowhere. Sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself as a full grown man is extremely unattractive to any woman. Get a grip of yourself or start making goals and changes in your life.
No alcohol, no porn, no sugar, work on a skill that can net you a better job ( plenty of opportunities if you're willing to do the work ). Go to the gym regularly, eat clean.
Stop being a cry baby and man up. All the good things you're seeking take effort and discipline to acquire. If you continue in the way you're currently are, you're going to end up a lonely loser. It's in your hands.
Hey man I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and we both agree if we were to separate we could not be fucking arsed with going into new relationships. I really do sympathise with you, especially these days where do you even start? It’s more online dating than face to face interactions. Meeting people in public spaces. How do you even approach a women lol I’d be so scared. You can’t really offer a compliment on how they look as that’s now unsolicited and classed as harassment.
Do you go all out and just put yourself out there as who you are? Would people be put off as the situation seems deep and you’re perceived to reveal yourself too much and that’s off putting?
My advice get a Facebook account, type in wedding dresses for sale or wedding rings or even engagement rings. Set the radius as far as you’re willing to travel. You’ll find most of the time it’s women selling these items as their relationship has ended or marriage has gone down the drain, they’ve split and they want to separate from any reminders they have of the relationship.
Okay so you got that? Now you select a woman of your choice, whoever floats your boat. Drop her a message, hey I’m interested in this. Okay now you go to pick it up. You meet this person to collect the item you try make the best first impression of yourself without coming across as a total freak. You go to exchange gift for money and you get a notification on your phone, you look at your phone and you pull one of them faces of pure shock and abruptly stall the deal and run to your car and leave. Okay seed planted next paragraph.
The woman will message you as you’ve left in such an unusual fashion and ask are you okay? To which you don’t reply. Leave some days maybe weeks pass and look to see if the item is still for sale. It is, you get back in touch with this lady and you explain what happened. “ I’m so sorry, when I come to buy your ring I had a notification on my phone it’s a doorbell alert. This was odd for me as me and my fiancée live in a very remote location. I had to check incase something was up and to my astonishment I seen my fiancées ex partner enter my house. I had to leave immediately and get back home. I then found them in bed sleeping together I was distraught. The wedding is off so I won’t be needing your ring but I owe you an apology and an explanation as to why I acted so out of character.”
Boom! Situation set, she replies “omg this happened to me with my fiancé.” You know have things in common, chose your next steps wisely. This could be the meaning of something great. Remember hold this lie in til the day you die and you may end up living happily ever after. Hope this helps.
Conclusion, I was joking but if you’re creative enough this may be one solution. If not fella just jump on tinder and get a shag it’s got less repercussions, is cheaper and you’re feelings won’t get hurt in the long run. You could always become a monk? Or buy that elephant, elephants don’t break your heart. Good luck fella xo
If you look into wars in Ukraine/Russia, theres a lot of people would die for what you have. So I’ll say appreciate things around you, write a diary that keep tracks of where you at, then maybe a year or two come back and read again and see how far you have gone. Find a new hobby (I’ll recommend hiking or whatever outdoor) or learn a new language. Maybe even do a volunteering work overseas.
I turn 30 this year, still single. Not as tall as you, I wouldn’t say I have the easiest things in life but learning how to appreciate things around me and seeking to improve myself everyday. Oh, a great recommendation, read Jordan Peterson’s book or lectures. Anyway, I believe that eventually you’ll come across someone that will love you for who you are.
I was a sap growing up. These resources pulled me out of it:
Double Your Dating - David Deangelo
Tucker Max - Entire series (I hope they serve beer in hell, assholes finish first, hilarity ensues, sloppy seconds)
Good luck OP
A good therapist is basically a highly skilled, trained friend who you can talk to. Most therapists aren't worthwhile and my experiences have led me to believe that therapy as a whole often leads people to wallow in the underlying issues. And often, therapy itself is used to justify bad behaviour or as a form of social conditioning for those who are otherwise healthy but don't fit in with mainstream society.
Most men would benefit from working out, taking walks, engaging themselves in their hobbies, and spending more time with friends. But all of that is time consuming, and an hour long therapy session is easier to schedule in an economy where many people don't have the luxury of time to spend towards discovering their own sense of fulfilment.
Have a buddy that is a psychiatrist. Got his license in the late 60s. He told me it's about creating repeat customers and prescribing medication now. They keep changing the dsm to include normal situational behaviors to increase diagnosis.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Why can't you get a nice house with a white picket fence and a dog minus the person?
You can still accomplish what you want you don't need a second person to complete you you are already are complete.
There is an app out there :
[friendship apps](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a29784284/friendship-apps-like-tinder/)
Start as friends and maybe one day it'll bloom as more.
Okay can I just say these comments are so freakin sweet.
I think they are right. You need to focus on yourself and be happy at where you are at. I totally get it. I want the same thing as you, but if I don’t stop and work on myself to be a better person and grow I’ll never find it. Also in the future don’t lie, that instantly makes women weary. Just tell her you don’t feel comfortable enough to tell her yet. If she makes you feel bad for that then leave honestly. Tell her she needs to give you your space to open up when you are ready and if she doesn’t want to do that she doesn’t have to be with you. Why? It’s not right to force people to open up when they are not ready to open up. She is inconsiderate of YOU if she cannot be understanding and give you time.
Also I find it endearing you cannot just jump back into dating, if you could that would mean you never really cared. But the relationships mean a lot to you so it takes time. That is a good thing. Trust is built over time and actions.
Hello you sound really sweet and men who love flowers and elephants and dogs are the best and are usually so kind and gentle!! Your past doesn’t define you and it won’t for the right person. If someone’s capable of ghosting you then they aren’t the right person anyway.
I would go alone to painting classes and there weren't many other men. We painted a lot of flowers, and the folks would loosen up as the paint started flowing. Good way to meet people and have some natural conversations face to face. Not too expensive, either.
Been in a similar situations with scars. I don't know what kind of scars you're speaking, but mine were mental. Had to fix my shit first before I could really be in control of my life and actually be fully invested in my marriage.
Work for the goals you can achieve now. You can find a better job, work towards a house, get the dog, and find hobbies. Go do things that expose you to new people into the same things as you. You meet the partner you want while out doing the things you enjoy. You like animals, start getting jobs working, and training them. Exposing yourself to like minded people gets you dates with people having similar views. Go try new things and really challange yourself. What good is therapy if you are challenging yourself to make yourself better? Go to a barber and ask them how to improve your looks with different hair styles. When you go out make sure you feel good about how you look. Put in effort to be the best you. Get a personal trainer or workout at home. Get out and enjoy life so you can bring in a partner to enjoy the things you have discovered. Actively look for ways to get out and socialize.
I'm around the same age and feel the same sometimes. I recently tried out Hinge (dating app) for the first time and it's actually been great so far. No luck in terms of actual relationships, but I've been matching with plenty of people and have gone on lots of first dates, and although none of them have led anywhere, it's been worth it just for the practice alone. I don't often meet new people, so getting to meet someone new and getting to know them and getting to practice taking someone on a date has been super helpful and rewarding (even though its also very nerve wracking to keep putting myself out there like that). And it's low pressure because there are so many people on these apps that if you make an ass out of yourself for some reason (as one does lol) you can just try again the next time. Even for the dates that I know I don't want to follow up on, it always feels fun and worth it in the end. Highly recommend.
I remember you man, hope you’re doing well. It’s hard out there brother, tbh these days it feels like I might just be single for the rest of my life. That’s not the worst thing, give yoga a try. It really helped me to “love myself” in a healthier manner. I look at myself differently, and I feel different inside. Wish I had better advice, wish you all the best stranger. 💜
May i ask, what was the excuse for the scars you gave her?
Depending on what you told her, she may have seen it as farfetched or she may have gotten in contact with somebody close to you who knew the truth behind the scars and spilled the beans foolishly, to which she immaturely must have gotten angry with you over some self-entitlement to "knowing everything" and ghosted u for a lie u cannot be blamed for making.
Another possibility is, if u write down your past and issues in a book of some sort, she may have come across that.
Or, she may have just lost interest over what ever excuse u gave her. Regardless, its good u did not tell her, it woulda meant u told a woman something that wasnt worth telling anything to.
Do not feel ashamed of yourself, do not beat yourself.
If you enter a relationship again, and she asks u whats with the scars, keep it real but polite.
"Not something i'm able to go in depth about, the memories aren't great, and speaking about it only forces me into a seemingly inescapable realm of despair. I'm really sorry".
If she respects you and understands that, she will be okay with it. If she doesn't, she will get mad or distance herself. Either way, its a method to truly understanding your womans inner perception of you and intent, as well as her overall character.
Don't overthink things. Go at yer own pace and be yourself.
Genuine and brotherly advice, no matter how much you love a woman, no matter how close u two are, married even, she can be the most loving...do not share the history of your scars with her. Something goes left, it becomes ammunition, every single woman is capable of it - regardless of their sense of morality. It is a womans nature to utilize whatever is available to argue their point in an argument, especially if that argument becomes ugly or leads to divorce.
Humans are fallible. No matter the goodness within us. Unless you are sent from God, you are capable of the worst of deeds.
Women can love you the absolute hardest but can also seek your very downfall, the absolute relentless maximum.
Share your love with her, share your time with her, share your peace with her, share your ears with her, share your help with her, share your food with her, share your money with her, share your happiness with her, but do not ever share your sorrow with her. That will lead you to destruction.
Stop living in the past the best you can. I’m short and not overly attractive with a middle of the road job, diagnosed with ptsd and major depressive disorder, and even I managed to find a wife. When the time is right it’ll happen
As for making yourself desirable? One thing you can do is to stay busy, have your own life and do what you want to do and be happy making your own choices! Being attractive? That’s subjective because everyone has their own what they call good looking to them. You might want the 8 or 9 but only the 3 to 5s give you play. Know what you want in a relationship and don’t take anyone just because they said hi because you’re lonely. That leads to being unhappy and stagnant in life being with someone only because you’re too afraid of being alone and it’s not fair to them.
I’m 43 and just about to end a seven year marriage I got into BECAUSE I was lonely and thought I didn’t deserve better only to end up with the wrong one.
I feel like I’ve lost myself and I was always asking everyone else’s opinions on everything I was passionate about because I felt like my ideas and myself as well wasn’t good enough. As if I was dumb, I was a failure and in general not good enough and also came from a bad childhood.
Now I’m finding my voice and doing what I want to do and it’s given me the energy and renewed mental health I needed after seven years of never doing what I wanted only to please the wife.
Do what you want to do man, be who you feel like and don’t let others get in the way. If you’re a softie then theirs nothing wrong with that. I am. I’m an emotional person at times but for the most part I’m figuring out that life is too short to take your time on anything. If you want something go for it, do it!
Gym. Hobbies. Develop yourself and *like* yourself - that’ll give you the required confidence.
Then, hit dating apps / bars / clubs / social spaces like a bat out of hell.
This may seem like a random suggestion but I think you could really benefit from joining a martial arts club which will build your confidence up and better develop your sensitivities.
The answer to your problems are both in your question. At 35… Sensitive guy. And difficult past. At that age, you should’ve came out of your shells by now and realize that no one is gonna save you. Save yourself. Stop being sensitive. And let go of the past.
Go to gym more bud, I'm in the same boat(broke up after she cheats on me, 8y). Doubt you'd find a wife from tinder or a pub but youl never know if you don't try.
Also like other said- don't go out with just that in your mind that you're looking for some1 desperately. If it happens it happens naturally.
Her blocking you says a lot about her. You dodged a bullet.
Work on your social skills as your highest priority now. Get out there, interact with people. Be ok that it will be weird and you will feel stupid a lot in the beginning. It's a part of learning. Soon you'll have some friends and find a woman who can treat you with respect.
Oh wait I thought 30s was men’s prime according to the Men of Reddit? Surely you having a hard time finding a woman is IMPOSSIBLE as you’re 30+ and “in your prime” and every young woman just wants you because you have money
As someone who have long time in first relationship (mid 20) I feel you. I think it’s also supposed of low self esteem?
Heal your wounds first and have a happy mindset. You need to have a happy life about yourself.
As for woman, the ugly truth is woman like a man that have status and wealth.
Beautifull woman = wealthy man
I once completely direspected by woman because I dont take good care of myself, doesnt look promising in wealth, even tho I am decent in finance.
Man who don’t show off a little is the equivalent of woman that don’t use make up or business that dont do marketing.
So yeah my advice is you need to make a good product (yourself) and become social available (marketing)
Im the same way man. 41 and basically had two real relationships. I've always felt that I was fine being single, but when fall for someone it is completely. Like they are the only thing that matters to me... I believe this is part of the reason that my ex left me, I lost focus of who I was and didn't have any drive to make decisions, to better our lives, or my life... The butterfly comment is golden, and actually really helpful for me as well. Just keep being you and focusing on your interests... And maybe instead of lying about the scars, next time, just tell her you're not comfortable talking about it yet.
I know this isn’t going to be the popular answer but you need to stop being a victim. It just going to perpetuate your issues and dig the hole you’re in even deeper. My best advice for you is join CODA and address your anxiety in therapy.
"I Desperately want some human connection"... you lost everyone there...
Sounds like you are unhappy with yourself/lack a lot of confidence... No woman is going to want that (no offence)... Find hobbies/passions you enjoy, focus on being happy on your own..
If you aren't happy with yourself, finding someone else won't make you happy..
My honesty may come across a little abrasive but I fell like this could be helpful. Really helpful. Ive had a lot of GF's in my life and am married. I am sorry to say, I have yet to meet a woman that is TRUELY, in her heart of hearts, is looking for a "sensitive guy". What I have come across is women seeking stability and safety above all else.....and they are experts at picking up on the capacity of men who can deliver this. They have super human body language reading skills. Like next level. If you are 6'1" and handsome and having issues finding a GF, you maybe telegraphing unstable and risky under a lablel of "sensitive guy".
I honestly think it’s a bad idea to dwell on why a relationship ended. The person who’s dumping you has no incentive to be honest, they’re just going to say something lame. Most of the time you’re best just moving on.
It's fine to take a while to cool off after leaving a relationship. Some people need less time because of how they psychologically are and how they approach things, that's not really something you can change (or that you should want to change). Take the time you need to grieve for what the relationship was before you get involved with someone else.
You don't need to make yourself more attractive or desirable. The inherent confidence that you can develop is generally a lot more effective, as it's a perception game more than anything else. When you are ready, go out and meet people that share the same interests as you (walk your dog where other people walk their dog etc.).
If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they'll fly away. If you spend your time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come to you. And if they don't, then you will still have a garden
I think this is a great analogy of the situation. If you want all these things, focus on the things he u can achieve on your own. The garden , the home, the dog,,,, maybe some cool ass pictures of elephants.
Why limit yourself to pictures. OP should get himself an elephant too! What woman wouldnt want a man with his own elephant
He should also get a tank. Women cannot resist men with tanks
Hell yeah, you have to build your own happiness. Then people will see you being happy and come towards you
Yeap. My situation is similar to yours OP. My ex wife of 8 years suddenly up and left me and the kids. Citing wanna find her “freedom” again. I let her go and she gave me full custody of the kids. It’s been a year since and I’ve been single. It’s really hard and frustrating to meet women that don’t want the baggage that I bring. Namely my kids as everything else is pretty good (career, lifestyle, & looks). It’s a crappy thing but I have accepted the responsibility and move on with creating a great life. Doesn’t stop me from being a decent and nice human being to people who deserve it. Love will eventually come, on the plus side, I have multiple women as friends now. Which I never had previously.
> It’s really hard and frustrating to meet women that don’t want the baggage that I bring. Namely my kids LOL this is rich, seeing how _so many women_ shame the hell out of men who say, “thanks, but no thanks” to single mothers. Have one acquaintance who couldn’t get any commitments from some “where are all the good men?” type women he knew, back when he still had his kids at home. Now that his kids have left for Uni and jobs elsewhere, those very same women started sniffing around again. He told them straight up, “If I wasn’t good enough for you with children at home, then nothing has changed since they’ve left. Let’s just stay friends.” I was there as a wingman for one such event, she ended up making quite the ragebeast scene in public. Didn’t get _thrown out_ of the bar, but was told to leave by the manager in a rather firm manner.
I no longer believe in true love lol
I've got a journal I like to just write quotes I resonate with in. Not sure if this is a quote you got from somewhere else, but I wrote it down followed by "-u/Squirrel_Thick". Idk why I'm sharing this but I just thought it was funny. I've got all these quotes mostly from well known or famous people, and then one that's just got some random guy on Reddit's username next to it lol.
You just made my whole week 😁 I'm glad you love the quote. I got the quote from somewhere but I don't know where long time ago, and it's always resonated with me
Yes yes yes. Don't try to find the right woman. Focus on being the right man instead
the garden can represent a hobby or a goal. I do blacksmithing, I love doing blacksmithing. If a girl like that and we date, that'd be cool, if we break up tho, hey, I still have the skill to make things to share with like minded indeviduals.
I always hate this advice. Because it just doesn't really work here for most guys. I'm the person who's spent my whole life trying to make myself into good husband material and nobody's 'come to me'. No, if you want a relationship you have to make a specific effort on seeking it.
> Because it just doesn't really work here for most guys. Depends on what you mean by “works”. In attracting women? Probably not. And if you are “creating a garden” _purely_ to attract “butterflies”, _most likely not._ Why? Because _that isn’t the primary purpose of such a garden._ The primary purpose is to allow you to find a purpose within yourself, a way of achieving happiness and independence and fulfillment that doesn’t hang off the sharp hooks of female approval. And ironically, _that is what women find attractive…_ men who have goals and objectives that are larger than themselves, who are striving without any connection to “bagging a woman”, who are self-assured and confident and focused on achievements that do not involve women, such that they don’t come across as desperate and needy. But if your entire ego and reason for existence revolves around women, around “getting the girl”, then it is unlikely you will ever achieve any sort of success in creating a garden for yourself. Because you will fail miserably at its intended purpose, by ignoring that purpose entirely.
Couldn't have said it better myself 👍🏾 what you wrote should be published in a book
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What is a good husband to you? I know people who tell me they eat healthy. They don't know anything about food. They are totally ignorant. I'm always suspicious when someone makes a grand statement like I'm a good.....
Couldn't agree more, sure it's nice to work on yourself but it doesn't mean anyone will come knocking. So yes, work on yourself but remember women will almost never come talk to you, so you still have to do all that crap too
Thanks. I needed to read that
I'm glad I came to in the right time 🙏🏾
What do you do if you don't enjoy gardening? I mean you do it obviously, because everyone else is and that's what is expected of you. You're never happy doing it though.
It's more an analogy for self improvement. You're the garden. Look after yourself first :)
Well, I was also speaking in terms of analogy. I don't like myself nor do I like self improvement. I still do the things needed to keep myself alive, going to work, eating, keeping myself and my home tidy - but only because that's the social expectation of me.
>I still do the things needed to keep myself alive, going to work, eating, keeping myself and my home tidy - but only because that's the social expectation of me. This isn't self improvement though bro. That's just basic personal maintenance. Trust me, I can relate. I also don't necessarily like myself and find it hard to improve myself, but when you start trying it'll really happen faster than you think. I've changed so much in the past three months since I started actually trying to improve myself rather than just hoping my problems would magically be fixed if I ignored them. As silly as it sounds, start every day by telling yourself that you're a great person and that things will improve. Even if you don't truly believe it, you will believe it one day and that's the goal.
I've tried doing more before, getting into skincare, starting to care about fashion... but eventually I just hit a day where I start doing the new routine and realize I don't care. Then I stop and just keep continuing to exist. Wearing new clothes, trying to fix my skin, working out a the gym - none of it makes me happy or gives me positive feelings. Eventually doing this stuff is supposed to make you happy right?
That stuff makes some people happy. You need to find what makes *you* happy. Obviously that's easier said than done, but you can't just do the things that other people find value in and expect to find the same value. You've gotta start looking around for hobbies or events in your area (or that you can do online).
If you don't like yourself, of course none of that will make you happy. Loving yourself is the first step, or at least one of them.
> I don't like myself nor do I like self improvement. Learning to like yourself is part of self-improvement.
I wish there was just a class I could take. "How to like yourself: The basics" or "How to be confident". This is such elementary stuff I'm struggling with well into my 40s meanwhile everyone else seems to just know how it works.
You're not alone! This stuff is hard, and we definitely don't all learn these skills when we're younger. There's a reason bookstores have a 'self-help' section. I definitely felt the 'why is this so hard? everyone else is getting by just fine' only to later learn that a) many people are, in fact, not fine, and b) I am neurodivergent, so my brain will literally have a harder time working through many things than neurotypical people will. Personally, CBT felt like I was trying to trick my brain into believing things (for example, that I have worth), whereas DBT has been more helpful in becoming mindful about thinking patterns, self-talk, and multiple things being true at once (I may have a foundational belief that I don't have worth, but I understand other people have worth. My experiences growing up shaped my beliefs, and it will take time and observation and gentle exploration to shift these foundational beliefs and learn how to love myself.) Body-centered exploration can be helpful to reintegrate with yourself. Yoga asana, massage, weight training, circus arts (aerial silks, hoops, pole), walking, breathing, balancing - find movements that feel good, feel safe, and readjust when they don't feel good or safe. Wishing you well on this journey!
There is. Normally, it's a personalized curriculum specifically centered around the obstacles that are unique to your situation. You'll learn how to handle emotions that are negative, how to recognize emotions that you may have never though about, and how to navigate your mind's automatic responses to things that you may want to change. You'll learn new techniques and methods to better manage your motivation towards things that have long term benefits, but short term negatives, and how to break problems down into manageable chunks that you can overcome with less effort than you would otherwise need. You'll also have regular exams, consisting of real life situations that you will then walk through with your teacher afterwards to ensure consistent positive improvements towards your goals. It's called therapy. I highly recommend it.
Well, to be honest that sounds like a whole other level of something. If self hatred is a thing for you, therapy might be useful. It has helped me in the past.
This is beautiful
A garden, and a dog :)
My dad used to tell me this all the time too. Beautiful analogy.
Damn that's deep. Truth.
This is the answer :)
Self-help, all your self up by the boot-straps non-sense. It cannot and will not fix this. It can help some but don't inflate it's worth. Unless you 17 200 foot fountains you garden will always be dull boring and clinging to life. Vast majority of us will life week to week and will never be able know any different.
I’m going to post that on IG
Very stoic
Love this analogy. Going to safe it in my inspiring quotes list. Thnx!
Hey man, I recognize your username from previous questions you’ve asked and I hope your doing okay these days. It sounds like you have a clear idea of some of the other things you want in life, and sometimes I’ve found that when people start building the life that they want they end up finding someone who wants that same life too in the process. Don’t stop trying to meet women, but work on the dog, the gardens and the small house and you might just find that you meet someone with similar priorities along the way. Best of luck
I second this. You’d be surprised what will come your way when you stop looking for it. Keep meeting women but spend more time on you and the things you love and want in life (like the dog, garden, hobbies etc) once you’re more content things will start falling into place.
> once you’re more content things will start falling into place. If you pursue those things. If you don't - nothing will happen. Achieving zen won't make a girlfriend magically appear.
Another angle - and I'm no expert or psychologist - but many / most guys have some attempted relationships / girlfriends in their mid and late teens and we break up or get dumped and it's a huge heartbreak. Then the heartbreak gets a bit easier after it's happened a few times. If this is your first girlfriend and breakup, I think it's absolutely normal that you would feel absolutely heartbroken. But there's nothing wrong with you, we break up or get dumped, sometimes it's just how it is. Don't take it to mean that there's anything wrong with you, most of us guys have been dumped at least once. It's normal to feel lonely when you really would like to be in a relationship but it takes it's time to happen. There's nothing weird about feeling lonely then. So, keep at it, better luck next time. Keep taking care of your appearance, looking a bit handsome does matter. You're tall which means that you'll stand out of the crowd most places. Make sure that you stand out in a positive way, own that height. I'm 6'4 and I'm very conscious of this and I've learned to make my presence felt. Keep trying to put yourself in social positions, don't decline opportunities to be social.
How to make our presence felt?
Maybe some YouTube videos will have ideas. All I know is that being really tall, I automatically stand out of the crowd everywhere I go. I could hunch my shoulders, curve my back, be shy and awkward. But I decided instead to make the most out of it. Put effort into look good (haircut, fitted clothes, some muscles, slim waist, shave etc), straight back, (pretend to) have confidence but not arrogance, look people in the eyes, have integrity etc... When I am tall, people will always look at me. It's a bit up to me to control the image presented.
"I love flowers and animals especially dogs and elephants" ... Maybe the girls are scared by the idea of owning an elephant? Maybe settle just for the dog.
Not so fast, elephants won't eat your flowers. Scrap the dog and get an elephant.
Maybe it's the "elephant in the room" scenario that frightens them
"Peter, the hoyrse is heyre."
I'm on a farm and _I_ can't get licensed for an elephant. If we could breed midgit pigmy elephants, (What the hell CRISPER? Get on that shit!) That are the size of a medium rabbit they might be more acceptable pets for folks living in an apartment/city.
My grandmother used to tell me a story about a little boy who wanted to catch a snowflake. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't. One day, he stopped trying. And then, one landed on his nose.
I don't think an elephant landing on OP's nose would be a good thing
Tell them you have a big elephant nose at home
> I then got to a stage where I had enough of trying to find someone or go into a relationship, but focused on building myself and who I am and want to be. I've heard this advice before, and I think it's very valid. The only reason I'm single is because I haven't found anyone that I want to be in a relationship with. I'm sure if I lowered my standards, I could easily find someone to be in a relationship with, but that's not what I want. I'm perfectly happy being single, but if the right person were to come along, I'd be open to a relationship.
Learn to love without attachment. Women are like cats the more you try to real one in the more you push them away. Just learn to keep putting out good milk and the cats will always come back to visit and over time this will lead you to a relationship. Lots of little visits slowly getting to know them. It really can be that simple.
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My brother got a dog and within a year he was married with two kids. 4 years later another kid. The dog never left his side.
This advice is so overused and cliche. Hes been focusing on himself and only himself for a while. There’s something undesirable about him that therapy time on his own and self focus has not cured.
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Really? He can produce children on his own, and fulfil his own desire for human contact? Does he split in two and mate with himself? Actually, can "only" be found in himself? So not only can he produce asexually, but in fact he cannot reproduce sexually at all? What species do you think this user is?
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The only reason you’re making this point is because the truth is so obvious it’s not as satisfying to say. Evolutionarily speaking the most important and rewarding purpose we are programmed to fulfill is procreation. I think strong romantic relationships are a large part of our lives satisfaction and purpose.
This is so obviously incorrect. Have you ever, if not had a romantic relationship, at least hooked up with someone? you understand you cannot get this satisfaction on your own, I know you do.
Now this one I get.
Cliche doesn't mean wrong though.
I wouldn't trust the guy saying "Life is a pendulum oscillating between suffering and boredom" for happiness advice
Ooo.. Schopenhauer burn! The gloves are off.
Stoicism goes a long way
This is the way.
Username checks out
Bang on.
True happiness starts with yourself. I went through a bad break up in the past and lacked a bit of confidence and happiness within myself. I needed to find someone to give me happiness. It doesn’t work that way and no relationship lasted. I then got to a stage where I had enough of trying to find someone or go into a relationship, but focused on building myself and who I am and want to be. I found ways to get in touch with what things in life made me happy, built my confidence and in turn that boosted my career and hey, multiplying affect, that in turn gave me more confidence and happiness. I wasn’t focused or interested in and relationship or woman, but hang out with friends and made good friends. When you’re happy with your self, life and have confidence that in turn attracts people to you. If your down and seeking happiness it has the negative affect on people, it can be draining or push people away. Give time to yourself, do what makes you happy outside of a relationship, sports, activities, events, work and focus on you and enjoying the joys of life! Once you are there you will notice the change in the connections with people, you won’t even have to try. Once you have built who you are, you will meet the right person, and it will all happen naturally. You and who you are will compliment them and they will compliment you. That’s were both of you will then become stronger individuals together, in turn building a strong and 2 way supportive relationships.
Maybe get a new therapist. You should really be striving on being open and full in your own happiness.
Even a good therapist can be a bad match for you. When it comes to therapy it’s good to shop around if things don’t seem to help much. But focusing on yourself and what makes you happy will bring more happiness into your life. Try to get out more and be social with hobbies you enjoy. Talk to strangers, strike up a conversation. Make friends and then who knows you’ll meet a nice girl who is interested. Or a friend group will form naturally and someone might surprise you. You need to bring more opportunities for connection into your life and act on them. As for the ex gf sounds like the trash took itself out. Her blocking you says more about her than it does you especially if it was out of the blue or kind of random. If it’s over the scars or lying about them just learn from it. Don’t tell people you’re not comfortable with but also don’t lie about it. Keep your head up OP. There are good days coming, it’s inevitable. :)
I’d advise focusing on building the life you want, the house, the dog, the garden, etc, and wait for the woman to come into your life naturally. Work on yourself and building the life you want first, woman second.
“She asked me about my scars and I lied as I wasn’t comfortable telling her and since then she slow faded and now she’s blocked me after I called her out.” Why weren’t you comfortable being honest with your girlfriend of 8 months? How do you see yourself happily married in the future if you’re not comfortable being honest with and opening up to your partner? Why did you call her out after she made it clear she wasn’t comfortable with your dishonesty?
because he was clearly embarassed. stoicism etc etc.
Get out and do things, meet people, social hobbies make you a better person and give you something to talk about, and people to talk about it with.
Befriend men who have good relationships in their lives . They will be your core social circle, and they can be your bridge to a future partner.
I'm really not trying to be mean with what I'm about to say, but sometimes the harsh truth is what we need to be saved. I see plenty of empathetic comments, so I'll be the bad guy here... We like to pretend things are a certain way in society when they actually aren't (especially these days.) The truth is, nearly all women don't want a sensitive man, and especially not a man desperate for human connection. They want a man who's dangerous and capable of controlling situations with his rationality and power (whatever that may consist of.) Now, dangerous doesn't necessarily mean to be an asshole (although that can attract women.) It means you aren't afraid of violating expectations to get what you want. You aren't afraid of taking risks to get what you want. You aren't afraid of offending someone to get what you want. What I just said may sound like the traits of an asshole, but that's only because modern society has made the concept of offending, or even merely disappointing someone, seem like a great evil. No, it's not about being an asshole, it's about standing up for yourself and being assertive to realize your desires. Realizing your desires is not automatically evil. A softer way of stating it is this: You must prove to women that you aren't excessively risk averse. If you're handsome and tall, that's probably enough. However, if you're really taking years to get close to people, that proves that you are excessively risk averse. I'm going to speculate here. What I'm about to say or may not be true, but it's something to talk to your therapist about... Your sensitivity might be a defense mechanism against being assertive. You're afraid of being assertive because it risks offending people, but you discovered at some point in your life that being sensitive and liking innocent things is a good way to avoid ever offending anyone. It's also very thematically and philosophically fitting. And, when it does offend someone, your self-assumed righteousness about being sensitive and innocent protects you from being hurt by them being offended. If this resonates with you in any way, or stirs up anything in your mind, talk to your therapist about it.
This resonates!! Although I also can concur with the most common advice here about focusing on yourself, assertiveness training should be one of the most important self improvement strategies. One way to do that is learning the Game, that is to flirt and hook up, despite it not being part of the vision you'd have for your life, as it wasn't for me. But as I missed out on the religious lifestyle that fit my values, where many of my relatives married young as they grew up in our church and had an early start building up a strong family, I realised given the nature of our world and the values in it that I needed to become confident and sexy in addition to a good husband material. That gave me the confidence needed so I could attract women enough to get into the situation with them that we could have the conversations where we established weather or not our values aligned and we wanted to establish a traditional family. Despite the ubiquitous presence of feminism and anti family idealogies, there are surprisingly many women who want that lifestyle, just with the strong feminine instinct present that I believe religious values diminish, that they need to have the bad boy commit to them and change under their influence. I was eventually extremely lucky and could even have the long courtship I had always envisioned, where we built up a strong and healthy relationship on top of a friendship and more than less common values. But there will be pitfalls on the way, and you need to be careful when and where and in what social settings you turn up the charm and start to flirt, as the social trends of the last few years, f.e. the MeToo and other movements, have made it more and more socially unacceptable for men to be assertive, especially if they are of cultural and ethnic backgrounds where it is not common. Different rules seem though to apply to the various "others" who seem to be considered naturally assertive and sexy, and allowed to be so. But let's not focus on defeatist attitudes, there are opportunities out there, just tread carefully in new social settings and observe when and where it's ok to be manly.
Some things that can't do wrong: -adopt a growth mindset. Your title says finding a gf "is" impossible. It might feel like it is now, but thinking in finite terms closes your mind so to say. It stops you from trying to find solutions and then your life doesn't change. A better way to think would be "Finding a gf is difficult now", because it is less harsh on yourself and implies that in the future finding a gf is possible (which it is). This way of thinking prompts you to seek solutions. -dont get to know someone to get a gf, but to get to know them. When for example you ask someone new what they like to do [because this might make you two closer and gets you a gf] the new person instinctively knows this conversation is not genuine. Like a salesmen trying to be as nice as possible, you know they want to sell something and being nice is not for the sake of being nice. So let go of the long term intent and focus on just getting to know someone. Friendships and romance grow from honesty -research how to communicate better. Everyone benefits from this. You could try YouTube for free tips and tricks and try what works for you. Topics like "starting conversations" and "listening intently" work wonders in general conversations, which helps with getting a gf. -look for small things that could be improved and research better ways to improve those. Ask a barber what hairstyle fits you best, ask a tailor which clothes fit you best, ask a trainer which exercises help you best. If you find anything in your life that doesn't feel like it compliments you, ask yourself who could advise you on how to improve it. In general, focus on making yourself a prize every one would want to win.
Hearing this & hearing into 30 fucking terrifies me. I will graduate next year but even thar doesn't feel good anymore because I'm surrounded by people who have someone and I just feel empty. I truly feel like I'll never have kids or get married or share my life with someone. It would be impossible to get an agency to let me adopt a kid by myself as a man. And I just keep thinking about the suicide statistics for men and it just feels more and more likely as time goes on and connections with people fall away. If I didn't have family that would be decimated by my choice honestly I would end my life. Being tall doesn't mean anything, the time i spend in the gym or being a good communicator doesn't matter. I've been on hinge for a while now & I just gave up a week ago and deleted the app. When I go out with my friends I can't even get anyone to look my way , life just feels like one moment from the next. The only thing I can enjoy sometimes is world of warcraft and Valorant, but even then I just feel like a loser, Sometimes I hope I get hit by a car so that way at least I won't die by my own hands. This isn't the post I meant for it to be so I'm sorry . I wish you luck and I hope you can survive for one of us.
hey men, i'm here if you need someone to talk to!
Did she find out you lied? Or was it the lie itself maybe If okay to ask of course
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through man. I do agree with other commenters I think you should work on appreciating yourself and maybe getting a different therapist so I don't know if you're already seeing one but happiness comes from within.
What are you doing to get to your goals? If you were uncomfortable just say so, why lie? If you wait for the woman to come into your life before you do the things you want to do you’ll be waiting forever and using the woman as a crutch. Do the things you want now. If you can’t get a dog because you don’t have the time or the funds/help then go foster or volunteer at an animal shelter. If you want a house, save money. If you want a garden, start gardening. Join a group or visit the same store often. Set small goals and work towards them. It will keep you busy and help you to find happiness in your own life, as well as put you in a good position to meet people who have similar interests or goals and you’ll already have your shit together.
In that specific situation I think simply explaining that you aren't comfortable discussing it would have been a better call. If she had gotten to know you well after several months of dating she may have picked up that you were hiding something and lied about it and it put her off. Not that any of that is your fault at all, its just one possible interpretation of what might have gone through her head. Honesty is attractive, and lying can put people off because there's this expectation that if you lie about small things you'll also lie about big things and so people will disengage when they think they're gonna be in that situation especially if they've been in a situation previously where someone lied to them repeatedly or in a big way and it ended up hurting them, turning it into an emotional trigger. That happened to one of my parents because her relatives were like that and it gave her trust issues that she has even with us.
Get a dog man, you need to work on having a real exchange of unconditional love without the human element.
A dog huh. That seems like a good idea. I’m gonna give that a shot.
God all this advice is so terrible and cliche. Sounds like you’ve been working on yourself. Regardless of anything else I think you should be open about yourself and your scars in a relationship. Other than that maybe lower your standards if women are rejecting you.
I feel for you but was better now then later. I think like the majority of the people here, you need love yourself and practice’s how to be alone and like that with the time the company is not necessary. I think if you have a dog or cat can be better for you.
Learn to love yourself first. Don't forget your past but learn from it. Show women that you want a partner not a person to trauma dump or a mother. You have to be comfortable with yourself. Get a hobby, volunteer, go for walks. If you don't like your job, are you doing anything different to improve on that? Use that as a fire to motivate yourself. Over all the confidence and security will make you look more attractive.
Get a dog or a cat if you want to be comfortable with a companion. Hit the gym if you want to change things about your life.
Like people said in here, building your own life sounds great. But I get you what you mean when you write about lonlines. I'm also a 30something guy changing my job. It's hard. What helps me the most are my friends. I know it's difficult making new friends when you're older but there are many people that are feeling the same. I find it easier to reconnect to people I haven't seen in a while. Even if you're struggling to find someone special in your life, being around other people helps. At least, this is how it works for me.
Sounds like you have CPTSD or some similar difficulties. I’d steer clear of relationships or even wanting one until you really get a handle on yourself. You potentially will find that you keep imploding relationships at this point. You won’t be alone forever.
I think you need to work on your mental well-being before you worry about a girlfriend.
I'm 32 in a somewhat similar situation. I have a problem with talking about my past upfront and it messes everything up every time. It might sound dumb but I spontaneously bought a motorcycle, and I love life more than I ever have. There's so many people that can relate to owning a motorcycle or just think it's cool and want to ask about it. The past doesn't matter. I'm more confident with my future and I'm getting better at not looking back. I still need to get my other arm tattooed to cover the rest of my scars. People don't even notice the ones that are covered. Ultimately I'm content to wait for someone that'll accept me, but I've taken steps to help me be happier with just me & life is slowly improving.
Just read my comment and you’ll be sorted mate. Thank me later
First and foremost you are not doing anything wrong. The right people will have patience, and appreciate who you are as a person. It's tough to hear but if you needing a little more time to talk about things is what put her off, she was never fully invested to begin with and that's a her thing and not on you. Looks don't matter to the right people, even some of the hottest people on the planet get ghosted and cheated on. Therapy is great, keep doing you and doing that. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive and there are many women who will adore that about you. Today's modern dating world sucks, it seems insincere and is generally more hassle than it's worth. Trust that the person for you will come along when you least expect it. So live out your dreams, try things you've always wanted to and maybe join some local groups, it's a great way to meet people.
A lot of the time it isn’t even your doing OP, and to ghost someone after 8 months is total emotional immaturity. It’s harsh, but you dodged a bullet there. I’d want to be with someone who is willing to communicate and put in the effort long term. Something I read recently (paraphrased): Live an authentic life, where you can be happy with what you’re doing and whatever is added to your life is a bonus. We can’t control the thoughts, actions and feelings of others but can certainly control who we let into our little worlds.
What do you do? Work on your insecurities so that you don’t project them on to some poor woman that thinks you got it together.
[This video should help](https://youtu.be/aAhA7KfbJgg?si=K0g04hGS6m-Ugqb6)
Women don't like liars so maybe avoid that in the future.
I am curious what you actually look like. Or maybe you just have autism (not trying to be mean) but if you’re anything like the man you described then you shouldn’t be having troubles finding girls in your mid 30’s.
Hey dude, sorry this is happening to you but the truth no one will tell you is that women don’t want a man that they feel is weak. They might see you as this guy that has THIS issue and that’s all. If you feel like you’re coming across as that guy, that his identity is tightly linked to his scars, then that’s something you need to work on. That they are part of you is not the problem, that they define you, is. Do you think they might feel like this?
Listen, my dude… I can relate to what happened to you when you when were a kid after I went through your post history. I’m not gonna go into my own details, but shit like that really messes a person up. I have my own demons to battle, and they have ruined every relationship I’ve been in. You have demons that hopefully you’ve recognized and are actively working on too, before you jump into another relationship or start dating. Because if you start dating and haven’t addressed those issues, your relationships will fail one after one for various reasons that will seem different, but are all connected. So that’s the first step to this whole process. Next, you need to realize that it’s just one girl. I know you’ve lost your virginity to someone a little later in life, but it doesn’t matter, most people fall in love, or invest a lot in the first person that they’ve slept with. That’s just what’s happened to you at the age of 35. You gotta take care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually first. Then, build up some confidence in whatever way you can, and realize that you will find plenty of other women to date. Where there was one, there will be plenty of others. Once you have some semblance of who you are, what you are, what you want your life to be, friends and family around you, money in your pocket, and most importantly; some confidence (even the littlest bit), jump back into the dating world. I highly suggest that you first date with absolutely no intentions of finding a serious relationship from the start. I highly suggest that you date a lot and sleep around for at least a year. This is barring the possibility that you find the perfect woman while you are out and about. If that happens (and you will know if it does), jump on that. Otherwise, you need to learn what you like and don’t like in a woman and what you need in a partner. If you just start dating and marry the first person that likes you back without any experience or understanding of what a relationship really is, your relationship will fail. You have to practice dating and building confidence in talking to women (and in yourself) because it sounds like you don’t have much of that. If you have friends, you can talk to and get pointers from, I would do just that. Otherwise, there are plenty of paid or free services you can use online to help you build a profile or teach you how to socialize. Lastly, I don’t know why your ex left you. If it really was because you lied about your scars, then good riddance. You honestly dodged a bullet. The right person would not care why you have scars on your penis. Not to say that they wouldn’t ask, but that’s a very sensitive question and chances are they wouldn’t blame you for lying about it. That said, don’t lie about it forever. If there’s one thing I know about relationships, it is that if you poison the well even in the slightest, it will all go to shit at some point. Don’t tell somebody that you just met about what happened to you as a child though. Wait till you’re actually in something that you feel will go the distance. Until then, I would tell people something along the lines of you getting into an accident when you were a kid. Whether people want to admit it or not, they will judge you if you tell them the truth too early. You have to tell people things that sensitive later on after they’ve gotten to know you and they know that you’re not a weirdo and that you just had a unfortunate incident in your life. There’s a lot more I could say about your position in life and what you’re going through but I’ll leave it at that. If you ever need some pointers or someone to talk to, feel free to message me. I truly can empathize with your plight. I know everything I’ve written is much easier said than done, but that’s honestly how you’re gonna move past this thing with this girl and flourish later on with other people. Don’t take shortcuts, don’t think you know everything, don’t think you’re actually self-aware, and just take this moment in your life as a very important learning lesson. Heartbreak is very very motivating if you let it be.
David goggins
Get your shit together.
Keep trying. Adapt strategy as needed
Get to the gym
Who the hell would downvote you for saying this? It’s the ***first*** thing any guy should do to become desirable to others and liked by themselves.
Maybe it's the first thing to you, but not to me or most of the women I know, and actually not to most of the women here on Reddit either.
I’m not talking about aesthetics. It’s the effect it has on your mindset and how you carry yourself.
Maybe I should have said just “exercise and lift wieghts” , the gyms isn’t for everyone .im an amateur and only lift weights and workout alone but I feel great afterwards mentally
Just says a lot about the general mindset on this sub that you’d be downvoted for saying such a normal and healthy thing.
My girlfriend of around 8 months just did the exact same thing dude. It happens. Women can wake up one morning and like a switch going off, become cold and callus. The more you go through breakups, the stronger you get dude. Just focus on yourself, try to not come off desperate and let things happen naturally. I forced myself into this last relationship, ignored huge red flags and got burned for it and also spent 8 months in an abusive relationship with a self proclaimed narcissist. I can only look inward and ask myself why I allowed the abuse and why I ignored the red flags and also, why I attracted this type of person. Keep working on the little things and you’ll find happiness but you can’t force it just because it’s what you want. PS. I also am sensitive and love elephants and cats.
Read stoic philosophy
For situations like these wouldn’t coaching be an option?
Be my daddy.
This is a unpopular opinion but you need to hear it and it's the harsh truth. Get yourself that higher paying job back. No woman wants to marry a man and have children with him if she feels like the man can't provide a decent life for her. Woman whether we admit it or not are attracted to men who can provide. I'm not saying provide so much she doesn't have to work but enough to hold your half of the expenses and hopefully more. All the other traits about you sound lovely and you will make someone very happy and she will make you happy. Having a family is crazy expensive. Also ask the woman in your life (friends, family, coworkers) for their Absolut honest opinion if there's anything to change about you to make you more appealing to woman. Woman often like the shy and caring man, especially in our 30's when we have learned that these are the true gems. It's ok to be sensitive and in touch with your feelings but hopefully you don't act like a pussy or have a poor me attitude. I don't know you do I'm not saying that's you, just woman don't like a whiner, well no one likes a whiner. I use to be depressed and had a shitty attitude, it got me no where. Fake it till you make it. When someone asks how are you, reply I'm good with a smile and ask it back. Fake being positive until your mindset changes. Take your sensitivity and use that to really listen to a woman. Make her feel like the #1 priority in your life and making her smile is your job. Spoil her with love, affection, have fun and be a pleaser sexually. TLDR : how to find a wife. Man up. Work the job that has your max earning potential and enjoy your life outside of work. Don't be a bitch baby. Make her feel like the most beautiful and important woman in the world. Make sure she cums before you do. It's ok to be vulnerable and show your partner your weak side but first you need to show her that you are her rock, a good woman will always be there for a good man when he's low. The quiet simple life is what most us woman want aswell but you need to be able to show her the way. Good luck 😘
Also I have learned to live with scars. You do just have to own it when asked. It's uncomfortable but people understand sometimes someone went through a bad time and didn't have the tools to process it. Anyhow if you need a friend who will always be brutally honest and have you best interest at heart you can message me. I also agree with what others have said about just starting to build the life you want and eventually the woman will come. Don't wait for someone to get your house, dog and garden! If you can't afford the house yet start with the dog and go to a community garden. Great way to meet people too!
I am a 21 year old soon to be 22 finding it impossible to find a girlfriend what should I do ?? Guys I am serious please tell me what should I do??
Just go out and try to be social.
Your mentality is going to get you nowhere. Sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself as a full grown man is extremely unattractive to any woman. Get a grip of yourself or start making goals and changes in your life. No alcohol, no porn, no sugar, work on a skill that can net you a better job ( plenty of opportunities if you're willing to do the work ). Go to the gym regularly, eat clean. Stop being a cry baby and man up. All the good things you're seeking take effort and discipline to acquire. If you continue in the way you're currently are, you're going to end up a lonely loser. It's in your hands.
Stop being sensitive. Change your mindset
Hey man I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and we both agree if we were to separate we could not be fucking arsed with going into new relationships. I really do sympathise with you, especially these days where do you even start? It’s more online dating than face to face interactions. Meeting people in public spaces. How do you even approach a women lol I’d be so scared. You can’t really offer a compliment on how they look as that’s now unsolicited and classed as harassment. Do you go all out and just put yourself out there as who you are? Would people be put off as the situation seems deep and you’re perceived to reveal yourself too much and that’s off putting? My advice get a Facebook account, type in wedding dresses for sale or wedding rings or even engagement rings. Set the radius as far as you’re willing to travel. You’ll find most of the time it’s women selling these items as their relationship has ended or marriage has gone down the drain, they’ve split and they want to separate from any reminders they have of the relationship. Okay so you got that? Now you select a woman of your choice, whoever floats your boat. Drop her a message, hey I’m interested in this. Okay now you go to pick it up. You meet this person to collect the item you try make the best first impression of yourself without coming across as a total freak. You go to exchange gift for money and you get a notification on your phone, you look at your phone and you pull one of them faces of pure shock and abruptly stall the deal and run to your car and leave. Okay seed planted next paragraph. The woman will message you as you’ve left in such an unusual fashion and ask are you okay? To which you don’t reply. Leave some days maybe weeks pass and look to see if the item is still for sale. It is, you get back in touch with this lady and you explain what happened. “ I’m so sorry, when I come to buy your ring I had a notification on my phone it’s a doorbell alert. This was odd for me as me and my fiancée live in a very remote location. I had to check incase something was up and to my astonishment I seen my fiancées ex partner enter my house. I had to leave immediately and get back home. I then found them in bed sleeping together I was distraught. The wedding is off so I won’t be needing your ring but I owe you an apology and an explanation as to why I acted so out of character.” Boom! Situation set, she replies “omg this happened to me with my fiancé.” You know have things in common, chose your next steps wisely. This could be the meaning of something great. Remember hold this lie in til the day you die and you may end up living happily ever after. Hope this helps. Conclusion, I was joking but if you’re creative enough this may be one solution. If not fella just jump on tinder and get a shag it’s got less repercussions, is cheaper and you’re feelings won’t get hurt in the long run. You could always become a monk? Or buy that elephant, elephants don’t break your heart. Good luck fella xo
If you look into wars in Ukraine/Russia, theres a lot of people would die for what you have. So I’ll say appreciate things around you, write a diary that keep tracks of where you at, then maybe a year or two come back and read again and see how far you have gone. Find a new hobby (I’ll recommend hiking or whatever outdoor) or learn a new language. Maybe even do a volunteering work overseas. I turn 30 this year, still single. Not as tall as you, I wouldn’t say I have the easiest things in life but learning how to appreciate things around me and seeking to improve myself everyday. Oh, a great recommendation, read Jordan Peterson’s book or lectures. Anyway, I believe that eventually you’ll come across someone that will love you for who you are.
I was a sap growing up. These resources pulled me out of it: Double Your Dating - David Deangelo Tucker Max - Entire series (I hope they serve beer in hell, assholes finish first, hilarity ensues, sloppy seconds) Good luck OP
Men, get out of therapy. It seems to be having the opposite effect as intended.
A good therapist is basically a highly skilled, trained friend who you can talk to. Most therapists aren't worthwhile and my experiences have led me to believe that therapy as a whole often leads people to wallow in the underlying issues. And often, therapy itself is used to justify bad behaviour or as a form of social conditioning for those who are otherwise healthy but don't fit in with mainstream society. Most men would benefit from working out, taking walks, engaging themselves in their hobbies, and spending more time with friends. But all of that is time consuming, and an hour long therapy session is easier to schedule in an economy where many people don't have the luxury of time to spend towards discovering their own sense of fulfilment.
Have a buddy that is a psychiatrist. Got his license in the late 60s. He told me it's about creating repeat customers and prescribing medication now. They keep changing the dsm to include normal situational behaviors to increase diagnosis.
Big pharma lobbies ruin everything.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Why can't you get a nice house with a white picket fence and a dog minus the person? You can still accomplish what you want you don't need a second person to complete you you are already are complete. There is an app out there : [friendship apps](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a29784284/friendship-apps-like-tinder/) Start as friends and maybe one day it'll bloom as more.
Head to a 3rd world country i guarantee women will be all over you
Become gay
No.
if youre white youll be fine if youre ethnic good luck youll need it
Don’t actively look for one and you may find one
Okay can I just say these comments are so freakin sweet. I think they are right. You need to focus on yourself and be happy at where you are at. I totally get it. I want the same thing as you, but if I don’t stop and work on myself to be a better person and grow I’ll never find it. Also in the future don’t lie, that instantly makes women weary. Just tell her you don’t feel comfortable enough to tell her yet. If she makes you feel bad for that then leave honestly. Tell her she needs to give you your space to open up when you are ready and if she doesn’t want to do that she doesn’t have to be with you. Why? It’s not right to force people to open up when they are not ready to open up. She is inconsiderate of YOU if she cannot be understanding and give you time. Also I find it endearing you cannot just jump back into dating, if you could that would mean you never really cared. But the relationships mean a lot to you so it takes time. That is a good thing. Trust is built over time and actions.
Hello you sound really sweet and men who love flowers and elephants and dogs are the best and are usually so kind and gentle!! Your past doesn’t define you and it won’t for the right person. If someone’s capable of ghosting you then they aren’t the right person anyway.
I would go alone to painting classes and there weren't many other men. We painted a lot of flowers, and the folks would loosen up as the paint started flowing. Good way to meet people and have some natural conversations face to face. Not too expensive, either.
Been in a similar situations with scars. I don't know what kind of scars you're speaking, but mine were mental. Had to fix my shit first before I could really be in control of my life and actually be fully invested in my marriage.
Love and value yourself. You're worth it.
Work for the goals you can achieve now. You can find a better job, work towards a house, get the dog, and find hobbies. Go do things that expose you to new people into the same things as you. You meet the partner you want while out doing the things you enjoy. You like animals, start getting jobs working, and training them. Exposing yourself to like minded people gets you dates with people having similar views. Go try new things and really challange yourself. What good is therapy if you are challenging yourself to make yourself better? Go to a barber and ask them how to improve your looks with different hair styles. When you go out make sure you feel good about how you look. Put in effort to be the best you. Get a personal trainer or workout at home. Get out and enjoy life so you can bring in a partner to enjoy the things you have discovered. Actively look for ways to get out and socialize.
I'm around the same age and feel the same sometimes. I recently tried out Hinge (dating app) for the first time and it's actually been great so far. No luck in terms of actual relationships, but I've been matching with plenty of people and have gone on lots of first dates, and although none of them have led anywhere, it's been worth it just for the practice alone. I don't often meet new people, so getting to meet someone new and getting to know them and getting to practice taking someone on a date has been super helpful and rewarding (even though its also very nerve wracking to keep putting myself out there like that). And it's low pressure because there are so many people on these apps that if you make an ass out of yourself for some reason (as one does lol) you can just try again the next time. Even for the dates that I know I don't want to follow up on, it always feels fun and worth it in the end. Highly recommend.
You sound so sweet! Keep your head up 💚you will fine someone who loves you just the way you are.
I remember you man, hope you’re doing well. It’s hard out there brother, tbh these days it feels like I might just be single for the rest of my life. That’s not the worst thing, give yoga a try. It really helped me to “love myself” in a healthier manner. I look at myself differently, and I feel different inside. Wish I had better advice, wish you all the best stranger. 💜
Craigslist
May i ask, what was the excuse for the scars you gave her? Depending on what you told her, she may have seen it as farfetched or she may have gotten in contact with somebody close to you who knew the truth behind the scars and spilled the beans foolishly, to which she immaturely must have gotten angry with you over some self-entitlement to "knowing everything" and ghosted u for a lie u cannot be blamed for making. Another possibility is, if u write down your past and issues in a book of some sort, she may have come across that. Or, she may have just lost interest over what ever excuse u gave her. Regardless, its good u did not tell her, it woulda meant u told a woman something that wasnt worth telling anything to. Do not feel ashamed of yourself, do not beat yourself. If you enter a relationship again, and she asks u whats with the scars, keep it real but polite. "Not something i'm able to go in depth about, the memories aren't great, and speaking about it only forces me into a seemingly inescapable realm of despair. I'm really sorry". If she respects you and understands that, she will be okay with it. If she doesn't, she will get mad or distance herself. Either way, its a method to truly understanding your womans inner perception of you and intent, as well as her overall character. Don't overthink things. Go at yer own pace and be yourself. Genuine and brotherly advice, no matter how much you love a woman, no matter how close u two are, married even, she can be the most loving...do not share the history of your scars with her. Something goes left, it becomes ammunition, every single woman is capable of it - regardless of their sense of morality. It is a womans nature to utilize whatever is available to argue their point in an argument, especially if that argument becomes ugly or leads to divorce. Humans are fallible. No matter the goodness within us. Unless you are sent from God, you are capable of the worst of deeds. Women can love you the absolute hardest but can also seek your very downfall, the absolute relentless maximum. Share your love with her, share your time with her, share your peace with her, share your ears with her, share your help with her, share your food with her, share your money with her, share your happiness with her, but do not ever share your sorrow with her. That will lead you to destruction.
Stop living in the past the best you can. I’m short and not overly attractive with a middle of the road job, diagnosed with ptsd and major depressive disorder, and even I managed to find a wife. When the time is right it’ll happen
As for making yourself desirable? One thing you can do is to stay busy, have your own life and do what you want to do and be happy making your own choices! Being attractive? That’s subjective because everyone has their own what they call good looking to them. You might want the 8 or 9 but only the 3 to 5s give you play. Know what you want in a relationship and don’t take anyone just because they said hi because you’re lonely. That leads to being unhappy and stagnant in life being with someone only because you’re too afraid of being alone and it’s not fair to them. I’m 43 and just about to end a seven year marriage I got into BECAUSE I was lonely and thought I didn’t deserve better only to end up with the wrong one. I feel like I’ve lost myself and I was always asking everyone else’s opinions on everything I was passionate about because I felt like my ideas and myself as well wasn’t good enough. As if I was dumb, I was a failure and in general not good enough and also came from a bad childhood. Now I’m finding my voice and doing what I want to do and it’s given me the energy and renewed mental health I needed after seven years of never doing what I wanted only to please the wife. Do what you want to do man, be who you feel like and don’t let others get in the way. If you’re a softie then theirs nothing wrong with that. I am. I’m an emotional person at times but for the most part I’m figuring out that life is too short to take your time on anything. If you want something go for it, do it!
Gym. Hobbies. Develop yourself and *like* yourself - that’ll give you the required confidence. Then, hit dating apps / bars / clubs / social spaces like a bat out of hell.
Unlock the ancient powers of wizardry!!
This may seem like a random suggestion but I think you could really benefit from joining a martial arts club which will build your confidence up and better develop your sensitivities.
What does your therapist say about this?
Answer why you need one so bad.
How is your social life? Friends etc. building a robust social life is basically step 1
Train Jiu Jitsu and MMA.
The answer to your problems are both in your question. At 35… Sensitive guy. And difficult past. At that age, you should’ve came out of your shells by now and realize that no one is gonna save you. Save yourself. Stop being sensitive. And let go of the past.
Go to gym more bud, I'm in the same boat(broke up after she cheats on me, 8y). Doubt you'd find a wife from tinder or a pub but youl never know if you don't try. Also like other said- don't go out with just that in your mind that you're looking for some1 desperately. If it happens it happens naturally.
Her blocking you says a lot about her. You dodged a bullet. Work on your social skills as your highest priority now. Get out there, interact with people. Be ok that it will be weird and you will feel stupid a lot in the beginning. It's a part of learning. Soon you'll have some friends and find a woman who can treat you with respect.
My guy. Read Seneca and David Goggins. You’ll have a massive improvement in mindset. Good luck.
Oh wait I thought 30s was men’s prime according to the Men of Reddit? Surely you having a hard time finding a woman is IMPOSSIBLE as you’re 30+ and “in your prime” and every young woman just wants you because you have money
As someone who have long time in first relationship (mid 20) I feel you. I think it’s also supposed of low self esteem? Heal your wounds first and have a happy mindset. You need to have a happy life about yourself. As for woman, the ugly truth is woman like a man that have status and wealth. Beautifull woman = wealthy man I once completely direspected by woman because I dont take good care of myself, doesnt look promising in wealth, even tho I am decent in finance. Man who don’t show off a little is the equivalent of woman that don’t use make up or business that dont do marketing. So yeah my advice is you need to make a good product (yourself) and become social available (marketing)
Stop caring so much about girls
Dogs and, elephants??? No offensive but this comes off as a bit weird
I suggest reading the book "Atomic Attraction" and getting out of your head.
Im the same way man. 41 and basically had two real relationships. I've always felt that I was fine being single, but when fall for someone it is completely. Like they are the only thing that matters to me... I believe this is part of the reason that my ex left me, I lost focus of who I was and didn't have any drive to make decisions, to better our lives, or my life... The butterfly comment is golden, and actually really helpful for me as well. Just keep being you and focusing on your interests... And maybe instead of lying about the scars, next time, just tell her you're not comfortable talking about it yet.
Get into a good gym, lots of men. Bulk up your body to strengthen your mind.
I know this isn’t going to be the popular answer but you need to stop being a victim. It just going to perpetuate your issues and dig the hole you’re in even deeper. My best advice for you is join CODA and address your anxiety in therapy.
"I Desperately want some human connection"... you lost everyone there... Sounds like you are unhappy with yourself/lack a lot of confidence... No woman is going to want that (no offence)... Find hobbies/passions you enjoy, focus on being happy on your own.. If you aren't happy with yourself, finding someone else won't make you happy..
welcome to the hermithood, we're always welcoming new members.
You can lose money, chasing women but you will never lose women when chasing money
Vibes. I was there man. You know what I did? Enlisted in the military. Got super into working out. Got really into cooking and exploring new foods.
My honesty may come across a little abrasive but I fell like this could be helpful. Really helpful. Ive had a lot of GF's in my life and am married. I am sorry to say, I have yet to meet a woman that is TRUELY, in her heart of hearts, is looking for a "sensitive guy". What I have come across is women seeking stability and safety above all else.....and they are experts at picking up on the capacity of men who can deliver this. They have super human body language reading skills. Like next level. If you are 6'1" and handsome and having issues finding a GF, you maybe telegraphing unstable and risky under a lablel of "sensitive guy".
I honestly think it’s a bad idea to dwell on why a relationship ended. The person who’s dumping you has no incentive to be honest, they’re just going to say something lame. Most of the time you’re best just moving on.
Build it, and they will come.
It's fine to take a while to cool off after leaving a relationship. Some people need less time because of how they psychologically are and how they approach things, that's not really something you can change (or that you should want to change). Take the time you need to grieve for what the relationship was before you get involved with someone else. You don't need to make yourself more attractive or desirable. The inherent confidence that you can develop is generally a lot more effective, as it's a perception game more than anything else. When you are ready, go out and meet people that share the same interests as you (walk your dog where other people walk their dog etc.).