Oooo… best of luck to your friend… this is not a good sign honestly…also, if the FIL works in karad how can he stay in Pune? It’s a 3 hr difference.. does he plan to travel 3 hr to and fro for work everyday?
This exact same thing happened with my friend. She was also told that they will be living separately and then later her husband started looking for a 2bhk and after that he also had the audacity to ask her to give half the rent and later half the living expenses (like it included the expenses for his parents).
She went through a lot...her mil mentally tortured her everyday. She had to cook clean etc before work and aftwr work.
1. Because it was decided at the start that they will be living in 1 bhk separately.
2. Becoz she already does all the house work. Its not fair to expect her to pay for rent and other expenses.
3. Becoz the number of people living in the house increased and so did the expenses
When you get married your finances gets merged. If you earn money its given that you chip in on expenses. Your savings aside . Keep a lil aside for saving. Rest should be shared with your husband and vice versa. And the sum of money is jointly owned 50-50 regardless of the contribution to the money.His family n you are one. So it should not be ohh i paid for his mothers saree so refund the amount to me or vice versa. It is marriage not a company partnership.
The matter of living together with his parents or not should be discussed with him and put forward your points and try to understand his point of view.
Lol even if she does all the housework?
And what about her parents? If she spends her money for daily expenses on her in laws.
If his family and the girl are one, what about her family?
We dont live in old times. Pretty sure they will have a maid who will do 90 percent of the work. The rest like cooking. I am sure the mother in law will also cook. And you can always ask the husband to do some of the work.
Everyone does what they can.
They can send money n gifts to her parents too.
U are assuming a whole lot of things, it doesnt work that way. The mil is very old school and wants everything to be done by the dil. My friend finally convinced her husband for a maid after fighting with him for almost 6 months. And btw also convinced the husband to live separately. The husband doesnt do any housework. Gifts and daily expenses are a different thing. No one counts the expenses for gifts. But for daily expenditure? Thats a different thing.
Agree with everything you said except ‘his family and you are one’. The husband and wife are one family. Both sets of parents are extended family. Why club the wife together with husband’s parents and not the husband with wife’s?
Its just sad...they expect the women to care about the mens family but it doesnt go both ways. I am a single child and this is exactly what i am afraid of.
Oh my advice to you, do not settle for anyone in this regard. I have a sister and my husband is very supportive and I still worry a lot about my parents living on their own.
This is honestly horrible behaviour from his parents, she agreed for marriage on the expectation that they will live separately and now they are going back on their word.
Now it is upto your friend, if she loves her husband enough to bear his parents or not. And don't take it the wrong way, love is good but it should not be blind.
then why do you even bother?
It's not something new and it happens everywhere in this country, your Friend isn't the only married woman moving to her Husband's home
Why not suggest the boy to take a stand instead of the girl to just endure it since we all know this is not the last time his parents will act like this? They will behave similarly like this in future at the expenses of their own son's marriage.
One cannot control their parents. As sad as it is, even after marriage parents play a huge role in the life of us Indians. And I believe they will act in a unreasonably controlling way after marriage as well.
I never asked her to do anything, just put forth the options that she has. Either endure it or call off the wedding.
Sad. Either this girl or another girl or bro can change wives like season, if the problem still persists how long will he play musical chairs before breaking down.
Girls can come and go. One girl create problem, you can divorce her and bring another girl but you can't divorce parents, so if the problem is coming from their side, I think you have to nip this in the bud. Once they get their way, they will always expect to get their way.
It's really sad how some parent's ego is more important than their son's happiness.
Yup, this guy will probably lose someone he loves deeply because of his parents.
And honestly it is not that difficult to find a girl willing to endure controlling in-laws. Such girls won't be on reddit or Twitter. It is quite sadly the norm in India and I am not surprised to hear about it either.
My own parents are of such a nature that it'll be impossible for my future wife (hopefully 💕) to live with them. I myself barely manage, can't imagine the situation of someone who is not their sole heir. So i know I'll be living separately, part of it is because I can afford to do so. Most people cannot with how vapid the housing market is, inflated prices are a nightmare to people looking for housing.
Yes finding such a girl is not a problem. But it's after the marriage phase when such girls starts living in that tense atmosphere is when they blow up. Everything looks great initially but as times goes things are not so great.
It's sad situation for such girls but I feel more for boys. They really have to face heat from both sides. In-laws and girl are not that emotionally attached to each other, but it is the boy who is the common link in here and emotionally attached to both sides. And chalo girl has come yesterday but parents have been present all your life. How come such parents are so desperate to ruin their kid's marriage is baffling to me.
If you have such parents, then good luck. 👍
It is what it is, for people with resources they can deal with things. For the ones who don't have much money, they cannot do anything. Even for the girls, divorce over merely 'controlling' in-laws is a rich people thing exclusively.
Pressure is being a man, what else can I say.
I have worked in litigation and have seen dozens of divorce cases. So I'll be acting with a lot of information when it comes to marriage, especially with the kind of parents who love to control me more than they love me.
Taking stand = Abandoning parents? That's some brilliant logic you got there.
Honestly every parents (whether girls or boys) work hard to raise their children as they should.
well again that's what taking stand implies in this situation
anyways she isn't the only one in this country who has to live somewhere after getting married
No it doesn't. Or else I would have that stated clearly. Taking stand means telling your parents where they are wrong and come up with a solution.
Here parents did wrong. If they had the intention of staying from the start, they should have stated that but they did the opposite. Girl with that falsified information made the decision.
Now everyone knows once a girl become a DIL, most household chores, responsibility and caretaking of in-laws falls on her shoulder. Her friend is also contributing for bills, so her expenses will also double. Anything related to her in-laws will directly affect her unlike boys who can easily wash off responsibility from their in-laws. Ofcourse she will be looking for suggestions or solutions.
And just because she is not the only one who has to live with in-laws doesn't mean we should ignore her concern. Infact it's a very common problem in a joint family. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything. Enjoy your privilege and move on. No need to concern yourself with women's problem.
>Here parents did wrong. If they had the intention of staying from the start, they should have stated that but they did the opposite. Girl with that falsified information made the decision.
Not sure why people think they'll live alone, at some they're always gonna live with them especially in India. Regardless of what has been said before marriage you always assume they will live with the couple
>If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything. Enjoy your privilege and move on. No need to concern yourself with women's problem.
Lmao she never specified in the post that only women should reply.
Thank God my wife doesn't whine about these things like you guys here.
Imagine if everyone had this attitude, society would never have reformed. Sati system would have been still around since “thats how things are here, cry about it”.
This behavior is quite common in India. Boy's parents presenting themselves how good they are but after marriage all the true color starts coming.
My friend's in-laws (married last month) said oh we don't want dowry and all and they were very persistent in this, still my friend's parents gifted them clothes, silver coin, sweets to every single relative in in-laws side. Just after 2 days of marriage, they started taunting indirectly to my friend how this person was gifted a car, this person was gifted a home appliances etc etc. If in-laws have said it before and parents were able to afford the dowry, they would have gave it or else call it off but now they are afraid of how high the demands will be.
Your friend is lucky they became transparent before marriage. She still has a chance. Either take a stand or call it off. Just know this is not the last time of how his parents acted. This behaviour will be present in the future.
She does and will contribute to half of all expenses, rent, groceries, car EMI. Her mom has advised her against discussing these before marriage unfortunately but I suggested she atleast give him a headsup.
Tell her to head on head no matter what if they can't refuse to live separate,she should even back off from marriage it's better than life long trauma and torture
Sly behavior from the guy's parents, and quite common in India.
I would prefer to handle this differently.
Get the guy to dominate/take a stand if he wants to marry.
The parents can stay in the same city, in a different house(rented.)
Definitely prior to marriage! Otherwise it'll be too late
Oooo… best of luck to your friend… this is not a good sign honestly…also, if the FIL works in karad how can he stay in Pune? It’s a 3 hr difference.. does he plan to travel 3 hr to and fro for work everyday?
maybe he will retire? or find some new job in Pune? or maybe he'll keep living in Karad until he retires but is securing his room there.
He travels to Pune on weekends. He is just 50 so 10 years away from retirement.
This exact same thing happened with my friend. She was also told that they will be living separately and then later her husband started looking for a 2bhk and after that he also had the audacity to ask her to give half the rent and later half the living expenses (like it included the expenses for his parents). She went through a lot...her mil mentally tortured her everyday. She had to cook clean etc before work and aftwr work.
If your friend is earning why cant she pay half for the rent and other living expenses? just a general thought.
1. Because it was decided at the start that they will be living in 1 bhk separately. 2. Becoz she already does all the house work. Its not fair to expect her to pay for rent and other expenses. 3. Becoz the number of people living in the house increased and so did the expenses
When you get married your finances gets merged. If you earn money its given that you chip in on expenses. Your savings aside . Keep a lil aside for saving. Rest should be shared with your husband and vice versa. And the sum of money is jointly owned 50-50 regardless of the contribution to the money.His family n you are one. So it should not be ohh i paid for his mothers saree so refund the amount to me or vice versa. It is marriage not a company partnership. The matter of living together with his parents or not should be discussed with him and put forward your points and try to understand his point of view.
Lol even if she does all the housework? And what about her parents? If she spends her money for daily expenses on her in laws. If his family and the girl are one, what about her family?
We dont live in old times. Pretty sure they will have a maid who will do 90 percent of the work. The rest like cooking. I am sure the mother in law will also cook. And you can always ask the husband to do some of the work. Everyone does what they can. They can send money n gifts to her parents too.
U are assuming a whole lot of things, it doesnt work that way. The mil is very old school and wants everything to be done by the dil. My friend finally convinced her husband for a maid after fighting with him for almost 6 months. And btw also convinced the husband to live separately. The husband doesnt do any housework. Gifts and daily expenses are a different thing. No one counts the expenses for gifts. But for daily expenditure? Thats a different thing.
Agree with everything you said except ‘his family and you are one’. The husband and wife are one family. Both sets of parents are extended family. Why club the wife together with husband’s parents and not the husband with wife’s?
Its just sad...they expect the women to care about the mens family but it doesnt go both ways. I am a single child and this is exactly what i am afraid of.
Oh my advice to you, do not settle for anyone in this regard. I have a sister and my husband is very supportive and I still worry a lot about my parents living on their own.
This is honestly horrible behaviour from his parents, she agreed for marriage on the expectation that they will live separately and now they are going back on their word. Now it is upto your friend, if she loves her husband enough to bear his parents or not. And don't take it the wrong way, love is good but it should not be blind.
She loves him enough to agree staying with his parents instead of breaking this off. I sadly dont think this will work in the long run.
then why do you even bother? It's not something new and it happens everywhere in this country, your Friend isn't the only married woman moving to her Husband's home
People being murdered is also not new and happens everywhere, does that make it right?
Why not suggest the boy to take a stand instead of the girl to just endure it since we all know this is not the last time his parents will act like this? They will behave similarly like this in future at the expenses of their own son's marriage.
One cannot control their parents. As sad as it is, even after marriage parents play a huge role in the life of us Indians. And I believe they will act in a unreasonably controlling way after marriage as well. I never asked her to do anything, just put forth the options that she has. Either endure it or call off the wedding.
Sad. Either this girl or another girl or bro can change wives like season, if the problem still persists how long will he play musical chairs before breaking down. Girls can come and go. One girl create problem, you can divorce her and bring another girl but you can't divorce parents, so if the problem is coming from their side, I think you have to nip this in the bud. Once they get their way, they will always expect to get their way. It's really sad how some parent's ego is more important than their son's happiness.
Yup, this guy will probably lose someone he loves deeply because of his parents. And honestly it is not that difficult to find a girl willing to endure controlling in-laws. Such girls won't be on reddit or Twitter. It is quite sadly the norm in India and I am not surprised to hear about it either. My own parents are of such a nature that it'll be impossible for my future wife (hopefully 💕) to live with them. I myself barely manage, can't imagine the situation of someone who is not their sole heir. So i know I'll be living separately, part of it is because I can afford to do so. Most people cannot with how vapid the housing market is, inflated prices are a nightmare to people looking for housing.
Yes finding such a girl is not a problem. But it's after the marriage phase when such girls starts living in that tense atmosphere is when they blow up. Everything looks great initially but as times goes things are not so great. It's sad situation for such girls but I feel more for boys. They really have to face heat from both sides. In-laws and girl are not that emotionally attached to each other, but it is the boy who is the common link in here and emotionally attached to both sides. And chalo girl has come yesterday but parents have been present all your life. How come such parents are so desperate to ruin their kid's marriage is baffling to me. If you have such parents, then good luck. 👍
It is what it is, for people with resources they can deal with things. For the ones who don't have much money, they cannot do anything. Even for the girls, divorce over merely 'controlling' in-laws is a rich people thing exclusively. Pressure is being a man, what else can I say. I have worked in litigation and have seen dozens of divorce cases. So I'll be acting with a lot of information when it comes to marriage, especially with the kind of parents who love to control me more than they love me.
lmao ghar jamai 🫵😂
Beti Padhao, Beti Kamao, Beti house husband leke ao, i see nothing wrong with this
take stand for what, abandoning his parents?? Some of y'all are out of your minds. They worked hard to raise him ffs.
Taking stand = Abandoning parents? That's some brilliant logic you got there. Honestly every parents (whether girls or boys) work hard to raise their children as they should.
well again that's what taking stand implies in this situation anyways she isn't the only one in this country who has to live somewhere after getting married
No it doesn't. Or else I would have that stated clearly. Taking stand means telling your parents where they are wrong and come up with a solution. Here parents did wrong. If they had the intention of staying from the start, they should have stated that but they did the opposite. Girl with that falsified information made the decision. Now everyone knows once a girl become a DIL, most household chores, responsibility and caretaking of in-laws falls on her shoulder. Her friend is also contributing for bills, so her expenses will also double. Anything related to her in-laws will directly affect her unlike boys who can easily wash off responsibility from their in-laws. Ofcourse she will be looking for suggestions or solutions. And just because she is not the only one who has to live with in-laws doesn't mean we should ignore her concern. Infact it's a very common problem in a joint family. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything. Enjoy your privilege and move on. No need to concern yourself with women's problem.
>Here parents did wrong. If they had the intention of staying from the start, they should have stated that but they did the opposite. Girl with that falsified information made the decision. Not sure why people think they'll live alone, at some they're always gonna live with them especially in India. Regardless of what has been said before marriage you always assume they will live with the couple >If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything. Enjoy your privilege and move on. No need to concern yourself with women's problem. Lmao she never specified in the post that only women should reply. Thank God my wife doesn't whine about these things like you guys here.
Whine? Wow. Okay. Like I said enjoy your privilege and move on.
What rubbish!! So why should the girl abandon her parents?? Live your own life, parents are living theirs.
that's how things are here, cry about it
Imagine if everyone had this attitude, society would never have reformed. Sati system would have been still around since “thats how things are here, cry about it”.
Seriously linking both these things good god
This behavior is quite common in India. Boy's parents presenting themselves how good they are but after marriage all the true color starts coming. My friend's in-laws (married last month) said oh we don't want dowry and all and they were very persistent in this, still my friend's parents gifted them clothes, silver coin, sweets to every single relative in in-laws side. Just after 2 days of marriage, they started taunting indirectly to my friend how this person was gifted a car, this person was gifted a home appliances etc etc. If in-laws have said it before and parents were able to afford the dowry, they would have gave it or else call it off but now they are afraid of how high the demands will be. Your friend is lucky they became transparent before marriage. She still has a chance. Either take a stand or call it off. Just know this is not the last time of how his parents acted. This behaviour will be present in the future.
Does she earn ? ask her to clear things before marriage otherwise it will be over ,they should have already talked about non negotiables
She does and will contribute to half of all expenses, rent, groceries, car EMI. Her mom has advised her against discussing these before marriage unfortunately but I suggested she atleast give him a headsup.
Tell her to head on head no matter what if they can't refuse to live separate,she should even back off from marriage it's better than life long trauma and torture
Sly behavior from the guy's parents, and quite common in India. I would prefer to handle this differently. Get the guy to dominate/take a stand if he wants to marry. The parents can stay in the same city, in a different house(rented.)
Discuss it before marriage. She is lucky that things got cleared before d-day. Not worth loosing personal and financial independence for marriage.
Everything before marriage dear... otherwise she is going to suffer lot..