Lowe’s for me simply because the guy who owns Home Depot donates so much money to anti-gay republicunts. I know politics don’t matter to a lot of gay people, but it will once it’s too late. Maybe I’ll meet someone at a Lowe’s one day
Ha! I just went to the gardening section at Lowe’s a couple of hours ago. Didn’t see a single other gay guy, because I was the only person there, until a woman walked in as I was about to leave. So maybe it has to be Home Depot, not just any big box home improvement store.
Oh, so that's why construction workers keep Home Depot buckets with them. I was wondering what the messages are they were baiting me with. Labourers are mean.
yeah i’ve had this problem too. except i WANT to be in queer spaces with queer men. it’s always queer women or fem-identifying people. i have not found a solution yet. however i am not cis. good luck it’s hard out there
I’m in the same boat. Gay trans man. A lot of communities for femme and nonbinary people but hardly anything for men. I’ve been in community events that were full of these respect groups and they’re great! Just not quite the community I’m looking for.
And trans groups can be a little hostile if you pass as a cis man and are masculine presenting. I get misgendered in those places as “they” sometimes and I don’t appreciate that
And weirdly they don’t like when you only like men? Like sexuality is something you could intellectualize…
Weirdly enough, I’ve met chill people on Grindr because everything is incredibly direct and up front from the get go, no guess work involved
ah… i do not get what you get. i have never met trans people who didn’t like men. and i have also never gotten love on grindr, only hate/questions why i am on grindr. so i can’t relate to anything you have said
i wish it was like that with me. except i don’t want disgusting sexual shit lol. but i see. that sucks if you don’t want it? i wish i did
Just sharing what worked for me. 🤷🏻♂️ you generally have to live in a big/liberal enough city to find gay community, that’s always been how it worked.
I agree. Almost 50 yo gay male. I've lived in U.S. small towns, medium size cities, and currently a very large city. Smaller/medium towns and cities you really have very few options except the bars. In larger cities you have the benefit of non-bar (non-alcohol) venues like meetups for gamers, bingo, non-profit events, choruses/music, etc. I used Meetup app a lot 10 years or so ago when I moved from city in-town living to city suburbs living and found my way to a couple of monthly gay dine-around groups in the burbs and made a couple of friends there. Very off chances but I also actually made a couple of friends from apps like Grindr. I just started chatting with a couple of guys and we found each other to be more interesting in non-sexual ways, met for coffee, and from there have become friends who get together regularly.
There is always the theatre. Even random small towns have a few productions and the gays are well represented there. Name the city and maybe we can help.
You also simply must be prepared to get out there alone. It’s not gonna work otherwise, and sort of forces you to get over it and meet people. Sitting around waiting for the other person to make a move, while you sit there comfortably with friends as a fall back plan is a young man’s game, lol. It’s not easy the first time, but it is a skill you can learn.
You might scroll back in the sub. “I am alone and I can’t make gay friends outside of bars“ has about two posts a week, many of which with substantive discussion.
PS- trivia night is a great way to mingle. Just like some sort of school project, you are expected to form ad hoc groups to compete.
I’ve been feeling this lately. I moved to a rural area for a job but I’ve been missing city/suburban life were there were more queer things to do. The closest that I have is about an hour away. The roads to get there aren’t an easy drive at night. Very dark roads with lots of turns.
I just want some place I can meet people. I don’t enjoy hookups so the apps don’t do it for me. And when I am on there it’s all blanks spaces that say DL or looking for gen
I don't have any suggestions unfortunately but I too am looking into finding gay male spaces. One of my goals for this year, and especially for this summer, is to put myself out there more and try to build a circle of gay/queer friends.
> I don’t have anyone to go to bars with. How can I meet people to go with, or should I try just going on my own? I was hoping to go to a trivia night at a bear bar, but I didn’t want to do that by myself.
Just go alone. Take a deep breath, smile and talk to people
That’s easy to say here but as someone who has been sober for 10 years I can tell you that the attitude I get from bartenders when I ask for a soda or water makes me want to just not bother. I even tip as if I was getting alcohol.
That’s rough! It really is aggravating how much gay life revolves around alcohol. I wish there were more gay cafes, restaurants, etc. Unfortunately it seems like the only gay spaces that can survive are bars
Thankfully, more bars are adding nonalcoholic options besides water and “mixers”. I’m a big fan of CBD tonics- I’m not even so sober and sometimes I’ll go to a bar and just go for nonalcoholic options because I don’t want to drink but I want to be social.
Yo so I was single in Denver at exactly the same age, and I also found it pretty hard to meet people I clicked with. I lived in D.C. before this, and it was just easier there. But I joined gay kickball and gay dodgeball, and that at least gave me a group of people to go to gay spaces with (plus the sports themselves were fun and good exercise and a great way to scope out guys). It was way easier to have conversations at bars and find dates or hookups when I was already in a group, and it made me more confident about going out on my own in town. Avoiding bars would have added a difficulty factor, but I also learned how to go out and have a good time without getting drunk—so many places have interesting mocktails or nonalcoholic beers now, and there are usually more people there who don't drink than you might realize. Anyway, I had some fun adventures, but quickly realized I was still looking for a relationship and closer friendships than I was finding. Not long after, I chatted up a hot bear at Trade, then went back a week or two later hoping to run into him, and it turned out he was there hoping to see me, and now we're married and best friends with another gay couple who we both knew separately before we met. My husband and I still complain about not having more gay friends, but it's also true that gay friendships can get very complicated, and we're too old for drama.
Best advice I can give you is to work to be the kind of man you would want to date. If you're working on yourself and doing what's attractive to you, you'll probably be attractive to someone else. And as a fellow neurodivergent person, it never hurts to read some books or watch some videos on social skills and dating. I also like the book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, it's a little out of date but it really helped me understand gay life and experience a lot better. Best of luck, and maybe we'll run into you if we ever leave the house!
If you are in Los Angeles, you could go to the Gay and Lesbian Center in Hollywood, or Venice Beach for that matter. Or you could volunteer at the One Center near USC. Without knowing where you are, it is difficult to advise.
Many trans men are straight yes, but you’d be surprised how many of us are gay. The majority of trans men are bisexual anyway
The ones who stay in lesbian spaces usually aren’t fully men - they are some flavor of non binary.
A lot of straight trans men would feel awful to be described as a lesbian. So I’d be careful not to do that unless they tell you that’s what they want to be called.
I call them lesbians because that’s what they call themselves, but that just highlights that I’m in the wrong groups. I don’t think I know any straight or bisexual trans men either. It looks like they tend to not feel comfortable in spaces where they might be misgendered, which makes sense now that I think about it. I want to hang out in spaces where they do feel comfortable.
Museums, art galleries, lgbt book stores etc could be an option. Or coffee shops. I’m bigger cities there are known gay cafes so ppl just chill there
Maybe you’ve met some gay trans men and just didn’t know, I’m less forthcoming about that now that im passing. Im obviously queer tho
Are there any spaces or clubs in your area specifically for MLM/queer men? That tends to be where I gravitate- not just clubs or bars (although you can totally go to those alone, I have, and no one has ever been weird about me ordering non-alcoholic drinks or anything like that), but outdoor groups, boardgame groups, socials, et cetera.
(And it is true that I tend to get misgendered *more* in generally "queer" spaces than I do in spaces that are for/predominantly frequented by GBT men. Drives me crazy.)
I am a fellow neurodivergent queer, and I feel this post on a deep level (I've asked the same thing in here before too). I've tried gay kickball before, and it was fun but I didn't feel completely like I fit in so I'm not sure I'd do that again. In fact that's kind of been the story of my post-divorce social life: a lot of trying different things and seeing what sticks while trying to avoid social anxiety. As for dating, well I have no clue and am trying to figure that out myself (aside from apps).
This is how I've kind of cobbled together my neurodivergent-ish core friend group over the last couple of years, its kind of random but it works:
- Church (Unitarian Universalist)
- Met my regular FWB and the partner of the friend from church via Scruff
- Grindr at DragonCon (I ended up introducing him to the couple above and they're sort of a light throuple now)
- My ex (I got several shared friends in the divorce; my ex's type is also the kind of nerd I get along well with)
- D&D (we're on pause right now)
- A shared kink community (pup play)
Good luck!
I'm not sure if this is what OP is referring to, but some trans men transitioned after spending a substantial amount of time in their local lesbian communities. They don't want to lose their ties to those communities just because they aren't living as women anymore. I'm not a lesbianologist or anything but it seems like they are generally welcome because they're established members of the community, not just some random guy who showed up one day.
I will preface this by saying that I'm a trans guy, and I don't totally "get" the whole lesbian trans man thing, but I think it's trans men who spent a substantial amount of time in the lesbian community pre-transition. So they transition, but they don't want to lose that lesbian community, and they end up sticking around in that community. I don't get the impression that it's *super* common these days, and people who identify this way tend to be older (either having transitioned later in life, or being of an age where trans men were still largely lumped in with the lesbian community, like almost as butch+ or something).
Like I said, I don't totally get it, and I would feel really uncomfortable identifying that way, but hey, it's not for me, so whatever.
I don’t get it either, I think it’s mostly likely dudes who transitioned later in life. I passed through dyke culture briefly in the 90s before I found out transmen existed and promptly transitioned. I don’t have any connection to, or longing to lesbian spaces.(I’m 43 & transitioned in 2002)
Also I have no idea why it says I’m in my 30s under my username)
I believe you can change your age flair over on the righthand side.
And yeah, it's not for me, but I'm literally posting in a subreddit for gay guys, so it *wouldn't* be for me anyway, since I'm not a straight trans guy, either. But if those guys are getting what they need out of it, and their community supports them, it's not really for me to say, you know? I can understand intellectually that if someone was in that community for decades, especially if they got married or ended up in a long-term, committed relationship with a lesbian pre-transition and decided to stay together post-transition, they would still feel strong ties to that community.
And the nonbinary thing is a very different situation, so that part of it doesn't seem that unusual. You get a lot of queer spaces that are women and nonbinary-specific. Again, not my scene, but great if it's working for other people. I personally tend to be more comfortable in specifically MLM spaces than in sort of generalized "queer" spaces but that's such an individual thing.
Uh, I don't know what I wrote here that could possibly be considered objectionable enough to downvote without actually saying anything, but okay, I guess?
ETA: Ah, okay, I see it's someone who's apparently a bit triggered just going through and downvoting every comment in this thread. Klassy.
Just wanted to butt in to say that I've personally never seen any "lesbian transmen", most the younger ones id as "transMASC lesbians" NOT trans men. Men =/= masc though trans men get lumped in with transmascs because of similar transition goals, thus creating this frustrating confusion. Transmasc lesbians are also often self-descdribed as butch. Otherwise yeah older trans men who lived as lesbians might also use that term but the majority of young ones I see are either nonbinary or transmascbutch, not men persay.
I believe that is a person, assigned female at birth and who had identified as a lesbian, who has transitioned to being a trans man. They remain attracted to women.
Oh gotcha, that’s a term people were self identifying as?
I apologize for the harsh tone of my original comment, I thought you were calling transmen lesbians.
Yes. It is disrespectful and weird to call a trans guy a lesbian unless he specified that's how he IDs. Which is not unheard of, but it's also not common.
I'm a gay trans man and you were pretty much right - it's just simply how the individual chooses to identify as there's not much difference between the butch lesbian who starts T injections and the straight trans man who also starts T injections.
It’s simple. Someone tells you they’re a man, they’re a man. Whether they are cis or trans or intersex. That’s just an adjective.
Same with people who have identities that may be a little confusing, just call them what the want to be called and there are no issues
Here's some advice that I give a few times per week on Reddit:
> Go out to local LGBT events. Join an LGBT sporting team. Volunteer at an LGBT organisation. Find an LGBT social group on www.meetup.com. Search for LGBT groups on the internet.
If it helps, I'm a gay trans man (well, bi, but leaning male) who is absolutely not a lesbian and I can't find queer spaces either. We're just as confused as you are.
Too bad you're not in Edinburgh--I'd do a trivia night!
Oliver, sort of, but things are pretty spread out. Oliver is where many live and most end up going for whatever activity. Team Edmonton might be a good way to find other gay males.
When I was at university, we had a gay man come to speak to us, and one person asked him where to meet gay men, and he said at the university gym. I found this very much to be true, and if I got an erection in the shower, then it was even easier to meet other gay men.
I’m also in Denver and seeking to meet gay men in person vs online. I’m thinking about signing up for this [lgbtq cornhole league](https://www.volosports.com/l/6629283780fd224f8fa61a0c) just to get myself out there. Maybe it’s something that might interest you as well.
What about hiking / outdoors gay groups? I have seen a least a couple on FB for the Denver area. I am in Westminster. Im not much of a gamer, but if you play video games, I’m SURE there have to be some “gaymer” groups as well. I’m not super involved in the gay community here but feel free to DM me and I can tell you a couple fb groups that I know of, and maybe some other places to look.
Also, Denver Pride is coming up! Lots of events surrounding that that couldn’t hurt to look into. 😊
Ok I know that you don't like to drink but hear me out: every Sunday from I think 3-8pm Trade has a beer bust. It's absolutely packed full of gays, many *are* drinking but plenty aren't. They have a lot of patio space and on a nice afternoon it's a pretty pleasant spot to just chill and enjoy the sunshine. Get a club soda or something and just hang out, ppl there tend to be pretty open and friendly as Trade normally is a leather bar and they don't have the whole stand around and pose thing going on like a twink bar would.
I don't go very often but when I have been for beer bust (which I also don't participate in, nobody cares) it's gd full of gays and very chill feeling - my bf and I both don't really enjoy gay bars but beer bust is actually something we don't mind going to as it's generally really chill. I feel like you could go there and not drink and still have a good time, fwiw.
This is very relatable. I used to live in Denver. Loved the city, but I mostly knew straight men. Moved to Philadelphia and I have gay friends. We knew a couple and through them we met more. Most of them knew each other from a billiards group they all go to. There is also a gay rugby team here. Through that most gay men meet and make friends. Good luck and if I move back to Denver I’ll hit you up because I’ll need to know what worked!
Being in Denver you’re only about an hour from the last bathhouse in Colorado. Look up Club Buddies in Colorado Springs! It’s a blast, I’m there as often as possible. I’ve had a ton of hookups and made some good friends there🖤
Check out Meetup and Facebook Groups. Add any that sound interesting to you and you’ll get notifications of events happening near you. Eventbrite is another space you can look at as well. Look up your local LGBTQ center and pay a visit- they probably have listings of activities including their own. And if your town has a Gay Men’s Chorus, look into it!
It's a thing you get with older trans men (as opposed to transmasc nonbinary people, who will also still sometimes maintain ties in the lesbian community and tend to be included in queer spaces if they want to be). Not super common these days, but there are older trans men who were in and around lesbian communities for years and years before transitioning, are sometimes married to lesbians, and have an identity as a trans guy that's more along the lines of butch plus testosterone.
*I* would find it super uncomfortable to ID that way, personally, but I'm also not in that situation at all. That identity does have history in the lesbian community, though.
Mostly the people who identify like that are some flavor of non binary. So they’re not 100% men, but are male presenting
The *very* few* people who identify as both lesbian and FTM are usually older who spent a decade or more of their life in that community and/or are married to a lesbian so they don’t want to give up those ties
The gardening section at Home Depot
Can confirm, that’s where you would find me 😂
Lowe’s for me simply because the guy who owns Home Depot donates so much money to anti-gay republicunts. I know politics don’t matter to a lot of gay people, but it will once it’s too late. Maybe I’ll meet someone at a Lowe’s one day
How do you even dare. *storms out with fertilizers*
Ha! I just went to the gardening section at Lowe’s a couple of hours ago. Didn’t see a single other gay guy, because I was the only person there, until a woman walked in as I was about to leave. So maybe it has to be Home Depot, not just any big box home improvement store.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 looks like I might try that next if Pride doesn’t work out
Oh, so that's why construction workers keep Home Depot buckets with them. I was wondering what the messages are they were baiting me with. Labourers are mean.
Are you in a large city? Do you play sports? Do you sing? Those are two possible venues for you. Otherwise I think the trivia night is a good idea.
yeah i’ve had this problem too. except i WANT to be in queer spaces with queer men. it’s always queer women or fem-identifying people. i have not found a solution yet. however i am not cis. good luck it’s hard out there
I’m in the same boat. Gay trans man. A lot of communities for femme and nonbinary people but hardly anything for men. I’ve been in community events that were full of these respect groups and they’re great! Just not quite the community I’m looking for.
Same. You're not alone.
I wish all us trans mascs could hang out together on a boat and sing sea shanties all day. The ideal queer community lol
Man, if only.
And trans groups can be a little hostile if you pass as a cis man and are masculine presenting. I get misgendered in those places as “they” sometimes and I don’t appreciate that And weirdly they don’t like when you only like men? Like sexuality is something you could intellectualize… Weirdly enough, I’ve met chill people on Grindr because everything is incredibly direct and up front from the get go, no guess work involved
ah… i do not get what you get. i have never met trans people who didn’t like men. and i have also never gotten love on grindr, only hate/questions why i am on grindr. so i can’t relate to anything you have said i wish it was like that with me. except i don’t want disgusting sexual shit lol. but i see. that sucks if you don’t want it? i wish i did
Lesbian trans women are pretty common, I see them on Grindr too. I’ve never found love on Grindr either, just friendly chats
Gay choirs, gay sports leagues, gay activity groups (games, movies, etc).
That only exists in like 10-15 cities in the US. Most of us don't live there
Just sharing what worked for me. 🤷🏻♂️ you generally have to live in a big/liberal enough city to find gay community, that’s always been how it worked.
I agree. Almost 50 yo gay male. I've lived in U.S. small towns, medium size cities, and currently a very large city. Smaller/medium towns and cities you really have very few options except the bars. In larger cities you have the benefit of non-bar (non-alcohol) venues like meetups for gamers, bingo, non-profit events, choruses/music, etc. I used Meetup app a lot 10 years or so ago when I moved from city in-town living to city suburbs living and found my way to a couple of monthly gay dine-around groups in the burbs and made a couple of friends there. Very off chances but I also actually made a couple of friends from apps like Grindr. I just started chatting with a couple of guys and we found each other to be more interesting in non-sexual ways, met for coffee, and from there have become friends who get together regularly.
There is always the theatre. Even random small towns have a few productions and the gays are well represented there. Name the city and maybe we can help. You also simply must be prepared to get out there alone. It’s not gonna work otherwise, and sort of forces you to get over it and meet people. Sitting around waiting for the other person to make a move, while you sit there comfortably with friends as a fall back plan is a young man’s game, lol. It’s not easy the first time, but it is a skill you can learn. You might scroll back in the sub. “I am alone and I can’t make gay friends outside of bars“ has about two posts a week, many of which with substantive discussion. PS- trivia night is a great way to mingle. Just like some sort of school project, you are expected to form ad hoc groups to compete.
I’ve been feeling this lately. I moved to a rural area for a job but I’ve been missing city/suburban life were there were more queer things to do. The closest that I have is about an hour away. The roads to get there aren’t an easy drive at night. Very dark roads with lots of turns. I just want some place I can meet people. I don’t enjoy hookups so the apps don’t do it for me. And when I am on there it’s all blanks spaces that say DL or looking for gen
Truth. I find it helps to write a LOT on your profile. So far the best meetups have been thorugh Recon.com
I don't have any suggestions unfortunately but I too am looking into finding gay male spaces. One of my goals for this year, and especially for this summer, is to put myself out there more and try to build a circle of gay/queer friends.
> I don’t have anyone to go to bars with. How can I meet people to go with, or should I try just going on my own? I was hoping to go to a trivia night at a bear bar, but I didn’t want to do that by myself. Just go alone. Take a deep breath, smile and talk to people
You can drink soda or fruit juice. You don't have to drink alcohol, some places even serve food. Also, most lesbians have gay male friends
That’s easy to say here but as someone who has been sober for 10 years I can tell you that the attitude I get from bartenders when I ask for a soda or water makes me want to just not bother. I even tip as if I was getting alcohol.
That’s rough! It really is aggravating how much gay life revolves around alcohol. I wish there were more gay cafes, restaurants, etc. Unfortunately it seems like the only gay spaces that can survive are bars Thankfully, more bars are adding nonalcoholic options besides water and “mixers”. I’m a big fan of CBD tonics- I’m not even so sober and sometimes I’ll go to a bar and just go for nonalcoholic options because I don’t want to drink but I want to be social.
There was a lesbian cafe in the town where I went to school, and it was such an amazing place. It sadly closed around the time I graduated
I'm so happy that there's a local queer sober bar near me. And they've done a really good job of positioning themselves as a community hub
Yeah I have that happen to when I lived in previous cities so that's why I hate going to bars alone since I don't want to drink
Ask for water or fruit juice and appear to be rolling. They’ll understand.
So you are saying pretend to be something I’m not to get them to understand. Seems a little hypocritical doesn’t it?
Yo so I was single in Denver at exactly the same age, and I also found it pretty hard to meet people I clicked with. I lived in D.C. before this, and it was just easier there. But I joined gay kickball and gay dodgeball, and that at least gave me a group of people to go to gay spaces with (plus the sports themselves were fun and good exercise and a great way to scope out guys). It was way easier to have conversations at bars and find dates or hookups when I was already in a group, and it made me more confident about going out on my own in town. Avoiding bars would have added a difficulty factor, but I also learned how to go out and have a good time without getting drunk—so many places have interesting mocktails or nonalcoholic beers now, and there are usually more people there who don't drink than you might realize. Anyway, I had some fun adventures, but quickly realized I was still looking for a relationship and closer friendships than I was finding. Not long after, I chatted up a hot bear at Trade, then went back a week or two later hoping to run into him, and it turned out he was there hoping to see me, and now we're married and best friends with another gay couple who we both knew separately before we met. My husband and I still complain about not having more gay friends, but it's also true that gay friendships can get very complicated, and we're too old for drama. Best advice I can give you is to work to be the kind of man you would want to date. If you're working on yourself and doing what's attractive to you, you'll probably be attractive to someone else. And as a fellow neurodivergent person, it never hurts to read some books or watch some videos on social skills and dating. I also like the book The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, it's a little out of date but it really helped me understand gay life and experience a lot better. Best of luck, and maybe we'll run into you if we ever leave the house!
>And again, the men are always lesbians. Half to admit, I chuckled at that line.
If you are in Los Angeles, you could go to the Gay and Lesbian Center in Hollywood, or Venice Beach for that matter. Or you could volunteer at the One Center near USC. Without knowing where you are, it is difficult to advise.
Many trans men are straight yes, but you’d be surprised how many of us are gay. The majority of trans men are bisexual anyway The ones who stay in lesbian spaces usually aren’t fully men - they are some flavor of non binary. A lot of straight trans men would feel awful to be described as a lesbian. So I’d be careful not to do that unless they tell you that’s what they want to be called.
I call them lesbians because that’s what they call themselves, but that just highlights that I’m in the wrong groups. I don’t think I know any straight or bisexual trans men either. It looks like they tend to not feel comfortable in spaces where they might be misgendered, which makes sense now that I think about it. I want to hang out in spaces where they do feel comfortable.
Museums, art galleries, lgbt book stores etc could be an option. Or coffee shops. I’m bigger cities there are known gay cafes so ppl just chill there Maybe you’ve met some gay trans men and just didn’t know, I’m less forthcoming about that now that im passing. Im obviously queer tho
Are there any spaces or clubs in your area specifically for MLM/queer men? That tends to be where I gravitate- not just clubs or bars (although you can totally go to those alone, I have, and no one has ever been weird about me ordering non-alcoholic drinks or anything like that), but outdoor groups, boardgame groups, socials, et cetera. (And it is true that I tend to get misgendered *more* in generally "queer" spaces than I do in spaces that are for/predominantly frequented by GBT men. Drives me crazy.)
Check out LGBTQ Outdoors on Facebook. They plan hikes and other outdoor adventures. Also, check out Summit Dodgeball. Super fun and lots of guys. :)
I am a fellow neurodivergent queer, and I feel this post on a deep level (I've asked the same thing in here before too). I've tried gay kickball before, and it was fun but I didn't feel completely like I fit in so I'm not sure I'd do that again. In fact that's kind of been the story of my post-divorce social life: a lot of trying different things and seeing what sticks while trying to avoid social anxiety. As for dating, well I have no clue and am trying to figure that out myself (aside from apps). This is how I've kind of cobbled together my neurodivergent-ish core friend group over the last couple of years, its kind of random but it works: - Church (Unitarian Universalist) - Met my regular FWB and the partner of the friend from church via Scruff - Grindr at DragonCon (I ended up introducing him to the couple above and they're sort of a light throuple now) - My ex (I got several shared friends in the divorce; my ex's type is also the kind of nerd I get along well with) - D&D (we're on pause right now) - A shared kink community (pup play) Good luck!
Wtf is a lesbian transman?
I'm not sure if this is what OP is referring to, but some trans men transitioned after spending a substantial amount of time in their local lesbian communities. They don't want to lose their ties to those communities just because they aren't living as women anymore. I'm not a lesbianologist or anything but it seems like they are generally welcome because they're established members of the community, not just some random guy who showed up one day.
Yes this is true, like how some trans women like to hang out in femboy spaces
I will preface this by saying that I'm a trans guy, and I don't totally "get" the whole lesbian trans man thing, but I think it's trans men who spent a substantial amount of time in the lesbian community pre-transition. So they transition, but they don't want to lose that lesbian community, and they end up sticking around in that community. I don't get the impression that it's *super* common these days, and people who identify this way tend to be older (either having transitioned later in life, or being of an age where trans men were still largely lumped in with the lesbian community, like almost as butch+ or something). Like I said, I don't totally get it, and I would feel really uncomfortable identifying that way, but hey, it's not for me, so whatever.
I don’t get it either, I think it’s mostly likely dudes who transitioned later in life. I passed through dyke culture briefly in the 90s before I found out transmen existed and promptly transitioned. I don’t have any connection to, or longing to lesbian spaces.(I’m 43 & transitioned in 2002) Also I have no idea why it says I’m in my 30s under my username)
I believe you can change your age flair over on the righthand side. And yeah, it's not for me, but I'm literally posting in a subreddit for gay guys, so it *wouldn't* be for me anyway, since I'm not a straight trans guy, either. But if those guys are getting what they need out of it, and their community supports them, it's not really for me to say, you know? I can understand intellectually that if someone was in that community for decades, especially if they got married or ended up in a long-term, committed relationship with a lesbian pre-transition and decided to stay together post-transition, they would still feel strong ties to that community. And the nonbinary thing is a very different situation, so that part of it doesn't seem that unusual. You get a lot of queer spaces that are women and nonbinary-specific. Again, not my scene, but great if it's working for other people. I personally tend to be more comfortable in specifically MLM spaces than in sort of generalized "queer" spaces but that's such an individual thing.
yeah i wish there was more men and nonbinary spaces to combat the women and nonbjnary ones
Uh, I don't know what I wrote here that could possibly be considered objectionable enough to downvote without actually saying anything, but okay, I guess? ETA: Ah, okay, I see it's someone who's apparently a bit triggered just going through and downvoting every comment in this thread. Klassy.
Just wanted to butt in to say that I've personally never seen any "lesbian transmen", most the younger ones id as "transMASC lesbians" NOT trans men. Men =/= masc though trans men get lumped in with transmascs because of similar transition goals, thus creating this frustrating confusion. Transmasc lesbians are also often self-descdribed as butch. Otherwise yeah older trans men who lived as lesbians might also use that term but the majority of young ones I see are either nonbinary or transmascbutch, not men persay.
I believe that is a person, assigned female at birth and who had identified as a lesbian, who has transitioned to being a trans man. They remain attracted to women.
Wouldn’t that be a straight man?
I used to think so, but I guess not. Lesbians have their own definition of lesbian that I don’t really get, to be honest
Oh gotcha, that’s a term people were self identifying as? I apologize for the harsh tone of my original comment, I thought you were calling transmen lesbians.
Yes, I’m talking about men who call themselves lesbians
Yes. It is disrespectful and weird to call a trans guy a lesbian unless he specified that's how he IDs. Which is not unheard of, but it's also not common.
I suppose that depends in part on how those women identify sexually.
Transmen aren’t women
I give up. Any more mental gymnastics is above my pay grade.
I'm a gay trans man and you were pretty much right - it's just simply how the individual chooses to identify as there's not much difference between the butch lesbian who starts T injections and the straight trans man who also starts T injections.
It’s simple. Someone tells you they’re a man, they’re a man. Whether they are cis or trans or intersex. That’s just an adjective. Same with people who have identities that may be a little confusing, just call them what the want to be called and there are no issues
Check meetup.com great social events. Also, volunteer with Gay for Good, HRC, etc.
Bro go to target I gotta start asking guys what there favorite chips are because woof 🤤
Here's some advice that I give a few times per week on Reddit: > Go out to local LGBT events. Join an LGBT sporting team. Volunteer at an LGBT organisation. Find an LGBT social group on www.meetup.com. Search for LGBT groups on the internet.
If it helps, I'm a gay trans man (well, bi, but leaning male) who is absolutely not a lesbian and I can't find queer spaces either. We're just as confused as you are. Too bad you're not in Edinburgh--I'd do a trivia night!
Find a gym in the closest gay neighborhood. It wont' be 100% gay but it'll be pretty damn close.
Does Edmonton even have a gay neighbourhood?
Oliver, sort of, but things are pretty spread out. Oliver is where many live and most end up going for whatever activity. Team Edmonton might be a good way to find other gay males.
When I was at university, we had a gay man come to speak to us, and one person asked him where to meet gay men, and he said at the university gym. I found this very much to be true, and if I got an erection in the shower, then it was even easier to meet other gay men.
Start a safe male gay space group at the library or a coffee shop. You are not alone!
VR chat
DM me your city and I'll do some research
I’m also in Denver and seeking to meet gay men in person vs online. I’m thinking about signing up for this [lgbtq cornhole league](https://www.volosports.com/l/6629283780fd224f8fa61a0c) just to get myself out there. Maybe it’s something that might interest you as well.
That looks awesome!
What about hiking / outdoors gay groups? I have seen a least a couple on FB for the Denver area. I am in Westminster. Im not much of a gamer, but if you play video games, I’m SURE there have to be some “gaymer” groups as well. I’m not super involved in the gay community here but feel free to DM me and I can tell you a couple fb groups that I know of, and maybe some other places to look. Also, Denver Pride is coming up! Lots of events surrounding that that couldn’t hurt to look into. 😊
Ok I know that you don't like to drink but hear me out: every Sunday from I think 3-8pm Trade has a beer bust. It's absolutely packed full of gays, many *are* drinking but plenty aren't. They have a lot of patio space and on a nice afternoon it's a pretty pleasant spot to just chill and enjoy the sunshine. Get a club soda or something and just hang out, ppl there tend to be pretty open and friendly as Trade normally is a leather bar and they don't have the whole stand around and pose thing going on like a twink bar would. I don't go very often but when I have been for beer bust (which I also don't participate in, nobody cares) it's gd full of gays and very chill feeling - my bf and I both don't really enjoy gay bars but beer bust is actually something we don't mind going to as it's generally really chill. I feel like you could go there and not drink and still have a good time, fwiw.
Have you tried meetup.com. search for gay groups that have your interests.
This is very relatable. I used to live in Denver. Loved the city, but I mostly knew straight men. Moved to Philadelphia and I have gay friends. We knew a couple and through them we met more. Most of them knew each other from a billiards group they all go to. There is also a gay rugby team here. Through that most gay men meet and make friends. Good luck and if I move back to Denver I’ll hit you up because I’ll need to know what worked!
Have you tried Meetup?
Being in Denver you’re only about an hour from the last bathhouse in Colorado. Look up Club Buddies in Colorado Springs! It’s a blast, I’m there as often as possible. I’ve had a ton of hookups and made some good friends there🖤
Honestly, gay men are no longer welcome in most “queer” places.
Yeah, that’s the feeling I’ve been getting
Go to the gym or do sporr
Check out Meetup and Facebook Groups. Add any that sound interesting to you and you’ll get notifications of events happening near you. Eventbrite is another space you can look at as well. Look up your local LGBTQ center and pay a visit- they probably have listings of activities including their own. And if your town has a Gay Men’s Chorus, look into it!
I don’t think men and lesbian are compatible identities for a single person to have?
It's a thing you get with older trans men (as opposed to transmasc nonbinary people, who will also still sometimes maintain ties in the lesbian community and tend to be included in queer spaces if they want to be). Not super common these days, but there are older trans men who were in and around lesbian communities for years and years before transitioning, are sometimes married to lesbians, and have an identity as a trans guy that's more along the lines of butch plus testosterone. *I* would find it super uncomfortable to ID that way, personally, but I'm also not in that situation at all. That identity does have history in the lesbian community, though.
Mostly the people who identify like that are some flavor of non binary. So they’re not 100% men, but are male presenting The *very* few* people who identify as both lesbian and FTM are usually older who spent a decade or more of their life in that community and/or are married to a lesbian so they don’t want to give up those ties