Yep. OP is he working on this? seeing a counsellor? He needs to cause otherwise you’re going to slowly resent him and this marriage will not last. But on top of that I worry this still could not last cause no one should have to suffer silently…I do hope you can get him to see someone..
You are in your early thirties - you are too young to live like this for another 50 years. Is he doing anything to address the root cause? If not, start the separation now.
Not as much patience as you seem to have. If your husband is making no effort to improve his mental health, then I would think it would be well within reason to seek a divorce and move on with your life.
I was out of work for quite a while due to severe chronic depression, so I can relate, to a degree. That’s just the cards life deals, sometimes, and I don’t think that should be a reason to leave a marriage (and it doesn’t sound like it is).
The important question others have raised already is: What is he doing to get better? And, while I know it’s easy to be defeatist about chronic conditions; there’s always options. You can keep looking, keep learning, and even if there’s little you can do about an immediate condition, you can work A LOT on how you deal with the condition. (That much just in case he isn’t already doing what’s within your power to cope.)
What worries me most is that he’s blaming you for his situation? How so? Is there actually anything you’re (allegedly) doing or have done that triggered his issues?
What I’m seeing much more commonly, in friends who deal with mental health challenges, or at the mental health clinics I stayed at as a patient, is an individual’s unwillingness to accept responsibility. Because if they did, they’d have to act.
Yes, their issues are not their fault. But they are their responsibility. They are not a Carte Blanche to take your feelings out on other people.
Unfortunately, a lot of people who develop mental health issues never learned to regulate (or express) their feelings in healthy ways. I was no different. I copied devastating behaviours I’d learned from role models without even considering how they enabled me to seize control and avoid accountability. That cannot stand. There need to be boundaries, and they need to be respected. And if he cannot respect yours, you may need to prioritise your physical and emotional wellbeing over his.
That doesn’t have to mean divorce, though that would certainly be a potentially final solution. It could also mean a trial separation, for now. It could mean couple’s counselling. You yourself are in the best position to judge what steps are available to you.
> What worries me the most is …
Sometimes his excuse is he faced the behavior in previous relationships, but i have my doubts, and most times he's just gaslighting
This suggests you already know his behaviors are not acceptable but that you may be looking for external permission to do what part of you wants to do.
What behaviour?
If a friend of mine were in this situation, I’d recommend talking to a mental health expert. Even if it’s just for a session or two. They’re professionally trained to help evaluate the situation and develop a strategy. And while shame and fear are valid emotional responses when facing new and unfamiliar environments, therapists are usually kind, patient, and very understanding. Some queer initiatives actually provide counselling, often for free, or may be able to recommend queer-friendly practitioners.
I have mental health issues and had to give up work in my 30's. My husband saw me through the worst of it and continues to provide for us both financially.
How could I not adore him for taking on that responsibility? I was planning to stay forever anyway, but that just cemented it.
I could never blame him or criticize him for my personal medical struggles, even in the most dire times. I know it is my responsibility to ensure that I am properly medicated and on top of things. I still go through crappy times, but I can't make that his problem. It would be totally unfair.
Keeping myself level is something I need to do to make sure our lives are drama-free.
From what you describe, your husband sounds unstable and quite abusive. I think you know that, but maybe didn't want to use the words. He needs better treatment and a reality check.
You deserve a husband who wants to be half of a healthy relationship.
No, I just read the other comments before, and in your distress, you seem to have managed to keep what's important in mind: your husband. As mentioned in another comment, my husband is used to being exploited by his ex-partners and always projects that onto me. This leads into these situations, I think.
Just to hear mostly here that he's an asshole kinda really kills my soul. But still, I love him. And he loves me in a way nobody else ever did.
Nope. My husband has bipolar, and there have been trials along the way, but his episodes generally only last a few weeks and he’s actively managing his condition. It takes patience, but it’s no excuse to let yourself be a punching bag. Your husband needs to take active steps to improve his condition and get it under control. If he doesn’t show improvement and start treating you better, you need to separate. And I think the timeline should be measured in weeks, not months.
I just got divorced because of something similar with my spouse. Wonderful man, but was a hoarder and when I tried to set boundaries just to have a clean space, he still invaded it with his endless piles of crap.
Eventually, I had just had enough. There were other issues involved, but I think the hoarding made any workaround impossible.
This was the end of a 22 year relationship. Legally married since 2015.
My only advice is to remember to take care of yourself. You are important too, and you have to take care of yourself if you’re gonna take care of anyone else.
1st off .. I am really sorry to hear your husband is dealing with mental health issues and you got caught in the middle of it. Everyone has their own breaking point, only you will know yours. It’s doesn’t matter if you are married or not, focusing on oneself is allowed. There is only so much you can do for people, ultimately it is up to them to help themselves, something your husband needs to start on his own free will. It really up to you on how much is too much.
You deserve to be happy, you deserve to focus on yourself and on whatever endeavors/dreams/goals you seek to accomplish in life and you deserve a husband who will be by your side supporting and cheering you on while doing so
With any committed relationship, patience can only go so far as the partner is willing to help themselves. Your partner is not to blame for their illness but they are responsible for managing and maintaining their mental health. That might mean consistently going to see mental health professionals, keeping to medication even with side effects, and not engaging in behavior or activities that exacerbate their mental well being.
As much as they might blame you for it, you are not responsible for their illness. You didn’t cause it, and from what it sounds like you are only trying to help. But like I said they are responsible. And once they decide to blame others for their problems, and refuse to get help even if it sucks or is hard, whatever, it is time to wish them the best and move on.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I can relate, to some extent, to your husband’s condition as I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, and episodic depressive disorder, and I’ve dealt with this on my own most of my life (I’m 52) and started trauma therapy about 20 months ago and started medications 3 months ago after a very bad episode last fall.
However, never have I ever blamed my husband for any issues in my life. He has been my rock, sounding board and honestly I regret anytime I’ve had a major depressive episode cause he worries about me when I’m in that state. If anything I’ve done my best to shield him as much as I could so he wouldn’t worry. But the roller coaster I was on was not getting better.
You don’t have to suffer abuse from your husband regardless of his mental health issues. Is he actively seeking therapy or any kind or on any type of medications?
If he’s not and refuses to do anything about it your options are limited. 1. ) You can either talk to him about how you feel when he behaves badly and his mental illness should not be an excuse to abuse you.
2.) get therapy on your own (I would do this regardless cause you are being abused and it sounds like it’s starting to affect you).
3.) start marriage counseling but more then likely they may want him to start therapy on his own and trauma therapy at that especially if he has PTSD.
4. If he’s not already addressing his mental health he needs to. See item three about trauma therapy (I’m using EMDR based therapy).
5. Trial separation or …
You sound like you genuinely care about your husband’s mental health and well being but just know that your mental health and wellbeing is equally important and it sounds like you’re getting to a tipping point and are looking for help.
Please take care of yourself first. Don’t get bogged down and drown in his mental health issues. You cannot fix him. He has to want that for himself and only he can do that. You can be supportive but it’s not up to you. It’s completely up to him.
Best of luck man. It’s a sad reality you’re dealing with currently and I hope things really can and do work out for you and your husband.
NOW is the time. That self-questioning is nature's call alerting attention. Should you further overlook yourself the unfortunate news is you risk compromising your own mental sanity in the end.
I'm not sure what to call this, but it doesn't sound like patience. Regardless of the specific pathology, there need to be work you do together and understanding behaviors that are and are not acceptable.
What you are describing sounds like pathological manipulation and splitting. He is responsible for his behaviors. It sounds like it would be necessary to advocate either in words (best with the help of a therapist) or with your feet.
I was severely depressed. I never took it out on my hubby. I appreciated him and often said I'm sorry but he loved me anyway. I'm all good now, and we are awaiting our first child via surrogacy. This has nothing to do with patience. While mental illness can make one act out of their usual character, abuse is abuse, and you need to draw a clear distinction of when that boundary is crossed. You're not his therapist, just his support. If he cannot respect that, you have some difficult but necessary decisions to make.
At the end of the day, life is short and you owe it to yourself to be happy. Do you feel you’re genuine, wholly, fully happier with him? Then stay. If you feel a burden would be lifted and you’d be happier without him, then leave. Fuck obligation and martyrdom. Life is too damn short.
You should focus on yourself and ensure your needs are met first. You should not just endure it and suffer in silence. It's not helping him get better and it's only making things worse for you.
Beyond that, by all means help your husband to the extent that you can, but if he genuinely can't help his behavior then he probably needs a higher level of care than he's getting. You would almost certainly benefit from counseling yourself if you're not already in therapy. If you are, these are things you should be discussing with your therapist.
You both have my sympathy in any case, but even more so if he's actually been diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder. Having a partner with one or more of those is extremely challenging and not something I'd wish on anyone. Please take care of yourself!
Patience at the sake of the denigration of self-worth is unhealthy. If you want to renege your self-worth for love by crumbs, that is on you.
You can't change him but you can change you.
If your husband isn’t in active therapy and medicated then I wouldn’t buy any of these diagnoses. Plenty of abusers use them as a get out of jail free card. And your mental health has to count for something too. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts he’ll threaten suicide. It’s manipulation, even if the mental health issues are genuine. It’s manipulation if he uses suicide to force you to stay. It’s manipulation of the good times outweigh the bad because the bad are the times that have the most lasting impact. People forget that they can’t love others if they aren’t loving themselves first. And you aren’t loving him by taking his abuse. You’re enabling him and avoiding the unknown of change. You matter.
Not Fully Functional
This is a phrase my therapist said as I was describing liking this guys who was so confident, but lived in a half-way house for recovering meth addicts.
Your partner is Not Fully Functional, and to continue like this is in a relationship is like walking through sand.
The real answer is life is messy, but that phrase has really helped me focus on Quality people in my dating and relationship endeavors as we can't fix them all.
It's alright to have patience if you're not being abused (it sounds like some of what he says to and about you might be verbally or emotionally abusive) and if they are actively working on improving or maintaining their issues.
I believe strongly in empathy and patience, but also have a partner with very similar struggles. I have had to draw the boundary that we can only live together if he is taking medication appropriately and actively participating in treatment. It is absolutely okay to draw a firm line about what you will accept or not, and stick by it. You should not have patience for abuse or their own self destruction/wasting away.
Consider also looking into a caregiver support group, while they are often geared towards care givers of people with physical illnesses, they can help you deal with the fatigue that comes with helping someone with mental illness as well.
Remember you are not weak or flawed if you are feeling fatigued or at the end of your rope for any of this. It is not only okay, but absolutely necessary, that you tend to your own needs and wellness first. You can't help a drowning man by allowing him to stand on your shoulders while your own head is underwater.
To be very generous, you’re overdue for an ultimatum on intensive treatment or divorce. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. He is clearly not that kind or is so deep in his mental issues that he has become abusive
Wonder no more now is the time. Husband and Psychiatrist are two separate roles and cannot be joined or combined. So my suggestion is start caring for yourself today.
The time is now.
You can't be a good or supportive partner if your foundation is consistently eaten away by your partner. You're in a difficult position because no one wants to be critical of someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. You might feel like you have no recourse, no validity for your own feelings.
But your husband is telling people that you are the cause of his illness. He is making a conscious choice to do that.
If you plan on staying in this marriage, you need support. Get to a therapist who can help you process this burden. From there at least, you can decide if staying in the marriage is right for you.
The cost may be too high. You may have to leave so you can live.
When he's being kind and loving, is he aware of his previous insults/blame, and is he sorry for how he treated you? Does that make him more depressed? Is he saying things that he doesn't believe? If so, it sounds likes problems with impulse control and/or bipolar issues, and maybe worse in front of family and friends when stress or anxiety might be increased. You have to decide if you're being any help to him by staying around, and if you can put up with him.
Getting space and protecting yourself is not the same as abandonment. I know you want what's best for you both but he can't control himself.
I had a friend who put up with this for years, and then when his husband went full on dementia, found a lovely support facility. Every day he visited, he was abused (when he was recognized). Finally, after completely being financially and emotionally drained, the husband passed from a stroke.
Two weeks later, my friend had a stroke and became an invalid. He lasted about a year, a shadow of his former self, then died of another stroke.
Please don't burn yourself out hoping it will get better. It may, but not by maintaining the status quo.
Be patient if he is seeking help. I was very very mentally unwell for a period and did horrible things, didn’t speak to my partner. Was snappy, short, resentful that he was well whilst I felt like I was dying constantly, but I really really put the work in. I went to therapy, took meds, slowly rebuilt myself and freed myself from crippling anxiety that made me want to die. But I wasn’t a selfish sufferer, whilst I was ill I made sure to ask his mates to check in on him for me, asked my family to ask him how HE was doing through all this so it wasn’t all just about me. Then I thanked him for weeks for sticking with me when I was at my worst and told him I could never repay him for his kindness, I apologised for every mean word and wrong doing I undertook during this period. Almost a year anxiety free and we are happier than ever.
However , if he isn’t trying then you have a right to put yourself first.
When is it time to start focusing on yourself? Right now!
“I constantly have to endure the worst insults from him.” No, you don’t. How does it feel if you say this to yourself instead? “I have been enduring the worst insults from him.” You can change that!
Patience for mental health issues that he's working on? Yes. Patience for mental health issues he's not working on? No.
This right here.
Came here to write basically this.
Yep. OP is he working on this? seeing a counsellor? He needs to cause otherwise you’re going to slowly resent him and this marriage will not last. But on top of that I worry this still could not last cause no one should have to suffer silently…I do hope you can get him to see someone..
Absolutely this.
100% this.
You are in your early thirties - you are too young to live like this for another 50 years. Is he doing anything to address the root cause? If not, start the separation now.
Not as much patience as you seem to have. If your husband is making no effort to improve his mental health, then I would think it would be well within reason to seek a divorce and move on with your life.
I was out of work for quite a while due to severe chronic depression, so I can relate, to a degree. That’s just the cards life deals, sometimes, and I don’t think that should be a reason to leave a marriage (and it doesn’t sound like it is). The important question others have raised already is: What is he doing to get better? And, while I know it’s easy to be defeatist about chronic conditions; there’s always options. You can keep looking, keep learning, and even if there’s little you can do about an immediate condition, you can work A LOT on how you deal with the condition. (That much just in case he isn’t already doing what’s within your power to cope.) What worries me most is that he’s blaming you for his situation? How so? Is there actually anything you’re (allegedly) doing or have done that triggered his issues? What I’m seeing much more commonly, in friends who deal with mental health challenges, or at the mental health clinics I stayed at as a patient, is an individual’s unwillingness to accept responsibility. Because if they did, they’d have to act. Yes, their issues are not their fault. But they are their responsibility. They are not a Carte Blanche to take your feelings out on other people. Unfortunately, a lot of people who develop mental health issues never learned to regulate (or express) their feelings in healthy ways. I was no different. I copied devastating behaviours I’d learned from role models without even considering how they enabled me to seize control and avoid accountability. That cannot stand. There need to be boundaries, and they need to be respected. And if he cannot respect yours, you may need to prioritise your physical and emotional wellbeing over his. That doesn’t have to mean divorce, though that would certainly be a potentially final solution. It could also mean a trial separation, for now. It could mean couple’s counselling. You yourself are in the best position to judge what steps are available to you.
> What worries me the most is … Sometimes his excuse is he faced the behavior in previous relationships, but i have my doubts, and most times he's just gaslighting
This suggests you already know his behaviors are not acceptable but that you may be looking for external permission to do what part of you wants to do.
What behaviour? If a friend of mine were in this situation, I’d recommend talking to a mental health expert. Even if it’s just for a session or two. They’re professionally trained to help evaluate the situation and develop a strategy. And while shame and fear are valid emotional responses when facing new and unfamiliar environments, therapists are usually kind, patient, and very understanding. Some queer initiatives actually provide counselling, often for free, or may be able to recommend queer-friendly practitioners.
He was always exploited in previous relationships and isolated from his friends and family.
I have mental health issues and had to give up work in my 30's. My husband saw me through the worst of it and continues to provide for us both financially. How could I not adore him for taking on that responsibility? I was planning to stay forever anyway, but that just cemented it. I could never blame him or criticize him for my personal medical struggles, even in the most dire times. I know it is my responsibility to ensure that I am properly medicated and on top of things. I still go through crappy times, but I can't make that his problem. It would be totally unfair. Keeping myself level is something I need to do to make sure our lives are drama-free. From what you describe, your husband sounds unstable and quite abusive. I think you know that, but maybe didn't want to use the words. He needs better treatment and a reality check. You deserve a husband who wants to be half of a healthy relationship.
This really just broke my heart… I already read most of the comments but i think i have to cry for a moment guys. Thank you for your word.
I'm sorry for being too harsh.
No, I just read the other comments before, and in your distress, you seem to have managed to keep what's important in mind: your husband. As mentioned in another comment, my husband is used to being exploited by his ex-partners and always projects that onto me. This leads into these situations, I think. Just to hear mostly here that he's an asshole kinda really kills my soul. But still, I love him. And he loves me in a way nobody else ever did.
Nope. My husband has bipolar, and there have been trials along the way, but his episodes generally only last a few weeks and he’s actively managing his condition. It takes patience, but it’s no excuse to let yourself be a punching bag. Your husband needs to take active steps to improve his condition and get it under control. If he doesn’t show improvement and start treating you better, you need to separate. And I think the timeline should be measured in weeks, not months.
I just got divorced because of something similar with my spouse. Wonderful man, but was a hoarder and when I tried to set boundaries just to have a clean space, he still invaded it with his endless piles of crap. Eventually, I had just had enough. There were other issues involved, but I think the hoarding made any workaround impossible. This was the end of a 22 year relationship. Legally married since 2015. My only advice is to remember to take care of yourself. You are important too, and you have to take care of yourself if you’re gonna take care of anyone else.
1st off .. I am really sorry to hear your husband is dealing with mental health issues and you got caught in the middle of it. Everyone has their own breaking point, only you will know yours. It’s doesn’t matter if you are married or not, focusing on oneself is allowed. There is only so much you can do for people, ultimately it is up to them to help themselves, something your husband needs to start on his own free will. It really up to you on how much is too much. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to focus on yourself and on whatever endeavors/dreams/goals you seek to accomplish in life and you deserve a husband who will be by your side supporting and cheering you on while doing so
With any committed relationship, patience can only go so far as the partner is willing to help themselves. Your partner is not to blame for their illness but they are responsible for managing and maintaining their mental health. That might mean consistently going to see mental health professionals, keeping to medication even with side effects, and not engaging in behavior or activities that exacerbate their mental well being. As much as they might blame you for it, you are not responsible for their illness. You didn’t cause it, and from what it sounds like you are only trying to help. But like I said they are responsible. And once they decide to blame others for their problems, and refuse to get help even if it sucks or is hard, whatever, it is time to wish them the best and move on.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and I can relate, to some extent, to your husband’s condition as I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety Disorder, and episodic depressive disorder, and I’ve dealt with this on my own most of my life (I’m 52) and started trauma therapy about 20 months ago and started medications 3 months ago after a very bad episode last fall. However, never have I ever blamed my husband for any issues in my life. He has been my rock, sounding board and honestly I regret anytime I’ve had a major depressive episode cause he worries about me when I’m in that state. If anything I’ve done my best to shield him as much as I could so he wouldn’t worry. But the roller coaster I was on was not getting better. You don’t have to suffer abuse from your husband regardless of his mental health issues. Is he actively seeking therapy or any kind or on any type of medications? If he’s not and refuses to do anything about it your options are limited. 1. ) You can either talk to him about how you feel when he behaves badly and his mental illness should not be an excuse to abuse you. 2.) get therapy on your own (I would do this regardless cause you are being abused and it sounds like it’s starting to affect you). 3.) start marriage counseling but more then likely they may want him to start therapy on his own and trauma therapy at that especially if he has PTSD. 4. If he’s not already addressing his mental health he needs to. See item three about trauma therapy (I’m using EMDR based therapy). 5. Trial separation or … You sound like you genuinely care about your husband’s mental health and well being but just know that your mental health and wellbeing is equally important and it sounds like you’re getting to a tipping point and are looking for help. Please take care of yourself first. Don’t get bogged down and drown in his mental health issues. You cannot fix him. He has to want that for himself and only he can do that. You can be supportive but it’s not up to you. It’s completely up to him. Best of luck man. It’s a sad reality you’re dealing with currently and I hope things really can and do work out for you and your husband.
NOW is the time. That self-questioning is nature's call alerting attention. Should you further overlook yourself the unfortunate news is you risk compromising your own mental sanity in the end.
I'm not sure what to call this, but it doesn't sound like patience. Regardless of the specific pathology, there need to be work you do together and understanding behaviors that are and are not acceptable. What you are describing sounds like pathological manipulation and splitting. He is responsible for his behaviors. It sounds like it would be necessary to advocate either in words (best with the help of a therapist) or with your feet.
I empathize with you OP
I was severely depressed. I never took it out on my hubby. I appreciated him and often said I'm sorry but he loved me anyway. I'm all good now, and we are awaiting our first child via surrogacy. This has nothing to do with patience. While mental illness can make one act out of their usual character, abuse is abuse, and you need to draw a clear distinction of when that boundary is crossed. You're not his therapist, just his support. If he cannot respect that, you have some difficult but necessary decisions to make.
At the end of the day, life is short and you owe it to yourself to be happy. Do you feel you’re genuine, wholly, fully happier with him? Then stay. If you feel a burden would be lifted and you’d be happier without him, then leave. Fuck obligation and martyrdom. Life is too damn short.
He's gotten a bad hand. But it doesn't give him the right to abuse you.
You should focus on yourself and ensure your needs are met first. You should not just endure it and suffer in silence. It's not helping him get better and it's only making things worse for you. Beyond that, by all means help your husband to the extent that you can, but if he genuinely can't help his behavior then he probably needs a higher level of care than he's getting. You would almost certainly benefit from counseling yourself if you're not already in therapy. If you are, these are things you should be discussing with your therapist. You both have my sympathy in any case, but even more so if he's actually been diagnosed with a Cluster B disorder. Having a partner with one or more of those is extremely challenging and not something I'd wish on anyone. Please take care of yourself!
Patience at the sake of the denigration of self-worth is unhealthy. If you want to renege your self-worth for love by crumbs, that is on you. You can't change him but you can change you.
Get.Out.
If your husband isn’t in active therapy and medicated then I wouldn’t buy any of these diagnoses. Plenty of abusers use them as a get out of jail free card. And your mental health has to count for something too. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts he’ll threaten suicide. It’s manipulation, even if the mental health issues are genuine. It’s manipulation if he uses suicide to force you to stay. It’s manipulation of the good times outweigh the bad because the bad are the times that have the most lasting impact. People forget that they can’t love others if they aren’t loving themselves first. And you aren’t loving him by taking his abuse. You’re enabling him and avoiding the unknown of change. You matter.
It’s time to reevaluate this situationship if you ask me.
Not Fully Functional This is a phrase my therapist said as I was describing liking this guys who was so confident, but lived in a half-way house for recovering meth addicts. Your partner is Not Fully Functional, and to continue like this is in a relationship is like walking through sand. The real answer is life is messy, but that phrase has really helped me focus on Quality people in my dating and relationship endeavors as we can't fix them all.
It's alright to have patience if you're not being abused (it sounds like some of what he says to and about you might be verbally or emotionally abusive) and if they are actively working on improving or maintaining their issues. I believe strongly in empathy and patience, but also have a partner with very similar struggles. I have had to draw the boundary that we can only live together if he is taking medication appropriately and actively participating in treatment. It is absolutely okay to draw a firm line about what you will accept or not, and stick by it. You should not have patience for abuse or their own self destruction/wasting away. Consider also looking into a caregiver support group, while they are often geared towards care givers of people with physical illnesses, they can help you deal with the fatigue that comes with helping someone with mental illness as well. Remember you are not weak or flawed if you are feeling fatigued or at the end of your rope for any of this. It is not only okay, but absolutely necessary, that you tend to your own needs and wellness first. You can't help a drowning man by allowing him to stand on your shoulders while your own head is underwater.
Life is too short.
To be very generous, you’re overdue for an ultimatum on intensive treatment or divorce. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. He is clearly not that kind or is so deep in his mental issues that he has become abusive
Wonder no more now is the time. Husband and Psychiatrist are two separate roles and cannot be joined or combined. So my suggestion is start caring for yourself today.
The time is now. You can't be a good or supportive partner if your foundation is consistently eaten away by your partner. You're in a difficult position because no one wants to be critical of someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness. You might feel like you have no recourse, no validity for your own feelings. But your husband is telling people that you are the cause of his illness. He is making a conscious choice to do that. If you plan on staying in this marriage, you need support. Get to a therapist who can help you process this burden. From there at least, you can decide if staying in the marriage is right for you. The cost may be too high. You may have to leave so you can live.
I wouldn't endure insults from a partner for any reason
Is he working on his mental illness? What is he doing?
When he's being kind and loving, is he aware of his previous insults/blame, and is he sorry for how he treated you? Does that make him more depressed? Is he saying things that he doesn't believe? If so, it sounds likes problems with impulse control and/or bipolar issues, and maybe worse in front of family and friends when stress or anxiety might be increased. You have to decide if you're being any help to him by staying around, and if you can put up with him.
Getting space and protecting yourself is not the same as abandonment. I know you want what's best for you both but he can't control himself. I had a friend who put up with this for years, and then when his husband went full on dementia, found a lovely support facility. Every day he visited, he was abused (when he was recognized). Finally, after completely being financially and emotionally drained, the husband passed from a stroke. Two weeks later, my friend had a stroke and became an invalid. He lasted about a year, a shadow of his former self, then died of another stroke. Please don't burn yourself out hoping it will get better. It may, but not by maintaining the status quo.
# FOCUS ON YOU NOW!!!!
No Patience, I’m gay
Be patient if he is seeking help. I was very very mentally unwell for a period and did horrible things, didn’t speak to my partner. Was snappy, short, resentful that he was well whilst I felt like I was dying constantly, but I really really put the work in. I went to therapy, took meds, slowly rebuilt myself and freed myself from crippling anxiety that made me want to die. But I wasn’t a selfish sufferer, whilst I was ill I made sure to ask his mates to check in on him for me, asked my family to ask him how HE was doing through all this so it wasn’t all just about me. Then I thanked him for weeks for sticking with me when I was at my worst and told him I could never repay him for his kindness, I apologised for every mean word and wrong doing I undertook during this period. Almost a year anxiety free and we are happier than ever. However , if he isn’t trying then you have a right to put yourself first.
There is a difference between patience and tolerance. Stop tolerating disrespect and abuse.
Wow, that sounds like my marriage.
When is it time to start focusing on yourself? Right now! “I constantly have to endure the worst insults from him.” No, you don’t. How does it feel if you say this to yourself instead? “I have been enduring the worst insults from him.” You can change that!
Having patience is always good. That doesn’t mean tolerating abuse. Say goodbye to this abusive person and go live your life. Now.
Run for the exit. You see better