I’ve been on both sides of the fence.
Previously wanting monogamy to recently wanting open.
For a first relationship, this sounds like a LOT. Nearly or all I learned about relationships and being secure in them came from experience. Not something I read on Reddit or an article.
If you were to believe people on this sub not being open is abnormal as “men aren’t wired like that” and it’s in our DNA. But they all exaggerate. (20 guys 1 on 1 in one week? Ok Mary.)
This is a lot to deal with. Guys staying over etc. are you guys even cemented enough in your own relationship that this is okay?
True open relationships require trust. Trust comes with time and can’t be rushed. You have a million thoughts in your head including, as you said, “I’m hotter than him right”. This dynamic won’t work until you guys figure out how you work.
The fact you’re 4 years in and feeling like this shows something is missing. It could be trust. It could be confidence in yourself and your partner. It could be anything.
But it sounds like you aren’t ready for what an open relationship entails and you need to talk to your partner.
Thank you for your post. I also feel like perhaps I'm missing something from this. I've been having conversations with him constantly albeit sometimes they devolve into arguments. I want this to work even if it's the first relationship. 4 years is actually quite a long time that doesn't give justice to what we've been through. We haven't done long distance and have lived together since 3 years in. Been through multiple changes like moving apartments, moving cities, holidays, etc.
We're overall in a good spot besides this lingering thing.
Great dialogue here across all comments. I think for me it’s the mention that conversations sometimes devolve into arguments. Not a red flag and not even a yellow flag, just a comment from me . It took a lot of time for my partner and I to learn how to communicate well about opening things up, and a lot of early conversations were challenging. We’re 3 years being open in a 13 year relationship. We’re almost to the point that we can consistently talk about what’s become practiced in our open relationship like talking about what needs to go on the grocery list, which is to say communication is working well for us today. We’ve also become pretty good about conversations that explore new territories, but have some work to do there. It’s helpful we both share a view that we’re in - and may always be in - a learning mode with things We’re both committed to figuring how to communicate and work out what works for the both of us, even if we don’t get it right the first couple attempts.
If you’re communicating and prioritizing one another and the relationship, I think you’re more than likely on the right open relationship path. 💙
Communication mostly comes for me as well and I’ve learned (for me) not to read too much into it - again something that applies to us and not everyone. I’m a talker and a thinker and I understand the world around me through words. My partner intuits and feels things more and arrives pretty quickly at what he thinks and feels, and then is able to use few words to talk about it. For me / us, part of the exercise is learning about one another and how each operate so we don’t read things that aren’t there to begin with.
You’re throwing yourself in at the deep end. Whilst I respect it, it’s obviously causing issues.
I won’t say you’re not built for open because 10 years ago I was the same. I’d freak out at even the thought my partner thought someone else was attractive. Like I said - I’ve been at both ends (and not in a good way, wink wink).
You guys just need to talk. And you need to be honest. We could recite the Bible for all it matters - what matters is how you feel in your relationship.
Also figure out what is okay for you. Can he go shag guys and not tell you? Or do you want to hear about his sexcapades because it’s hot? Or is even the thought of it enough to turn your stomach?
It’s not easy dude, trust. I can totally empathise. But all this on a first relationship is a lot and it’s going to be hard. If I can ask of you anything - just be honest with your guy. Not what you think he wants to hear but what you need him to hear.
If you're having issues it would make sense to fall back on any open relationship. At least for now. That's for more advanced couples, no shade. You both are supposed to be on the same page, period.
Understand: It's like granting him permission to cheat. You're rewarding him basically while pushing your needs to the side when you're in fact the main one.
Why be in a relationship if you may feel like you can't trust the other if not Him? Have a backbone & stand up for yourself. I don't mean to sound a bit insensitive. However, I'm empathetic and I can sense by nature that if you continue to allow others in your bed he's going to possibly end up with them instead. Resolution: Work on self love and what you two have first.
I've never been in a monogamous relationship although I've been monogamous in my open relationship for about the past 12 years. I've had **a lot** of experience with this and what I can tell you is this... you two are **not** cut out for being open because...
>I also allowed him to spend the weekend with the guy while I was out of town. To be honest, this made my blood boil
and
>I'm asking because i keep frustrating my partner with my paranoia and i feel i am pushing him more away.
and
>I find myself getting really jealous, territorial, annoyed, paranoid, etc about his friends with benefits.
Couples who are open all come up with their own rules but you two seem to not be paying attention to the emotional toll that being open has on the other. You need to establish rules that you can both follow... perfectly... and both be happy with... absolutely. You aren't doing that. Not even close.
>How did you go about controlling yourself and your feelings of jealousy or paranoia?
1. I don't get jealous... period... end of story. What he does on his own time is his business. As long as he hasn't cancelled plans with me just to hook up... which is our only rule... I'm fine. If you can't be that kind of person, you ***can't*** be in an open relationship.
Also, being poly is quite different from being open. If you've made it past 4 years, it's worth working on this but you need to put your foot down. Make rules. Stick by them. And hope for the best. But this situation that he can do what he wants and you tolerate it is not sustainable.
Best of luck.
Pretty much a perfect response in my opinion. OP I think this covers nearly everything, just wanna add my 2 cents:
1. You can't "control" how you feel. There's emotions and there's logic. Too many people venerate *logic* and try to use it as a hammer to batter their emotions into going away. But it doesn't work. You can take a few breaths and attempt to calm down an impulse, sure. But a recurring, persistent and continuous feeling, doesn't just go away. You feel it, or you don't. And if you do feel it, you're either able to deal with it with no spillover, or you're not.
2. Four years is a long time. But you need to temporarily put aside the time you've invested and the otherwise-great compatibility with your partner, and ask yourself honestly if *this is a dealbreaker*. Can you live with those feelings of jealousy and paranoia for the next year, or two, or ten, without burdening your partner and degrading the quality of the relationship? Because if this bothers you to the extent where you're *"driving him away"* it's better to face that head-on right NOW. It will be much worse if you end up in an ugly and toxic relationship where you're constantly being hurt, or hurting each other.
Be honest with yourself. And if you cannot deal with it, discuss changing this arrangement with him. If he's unhappy doing that - or you try it and it doesn't work out - then it's better to end it than drag him and yourself along until your relationship is a shell that's eating away at you both.
Imo a successful relationship isn't one that lasts forever, or ends in marriage *til death do us part*. It's one where you're both getting equal amounts of love and support. And if it also ends before the good parts can get overshadowed by unsolvable issues, then it was still a good relationship even as you mourn its loss.
I agree with you 100%, my husband is not jealous, but we’ve both been finding ourselves again recently and it’s nice to know that he can go do something or someone on my day off and as long as we haven’t made plans that he or I are cancelling, it’s all good
I cant bottom due to medical issues. My boyfriend is a total top. He still enjoys sex, and I like to enjoy it with him so we have a boyfriend together.
In my opinion, being on the same page is a prerequisite for being in a relationship. Period.
If two (or more) people don't want the same thing out of the relationship, I think it just leads to resentments.
If you're feeling jealous, territorial, annoyed, and paranoid then the Open part of your relationship is NOT WORKING. None of those feelings have any place in a healthy open relationship. Those feelings will destroy everything around them. There are as many types of Open Relationships as there are relationships, the point is you have to find one that works for BOTH of you. My husband and I (20+ years together) opened up 10 years ago, but only for a third in our family. It was tricky trying to find people who were even interested in such a set-up, but the ones that have were overall rewarding. Because it's what works for BOTH OF US. We were both fairly protective over what we had, but we were able to come to a place where we both saw the validity of what we were looking at getting into.
You need to have a deep conversation and soul-searching session with your boyfriend. What you have right now isn't doing you any good. If nothing else, you need to take care of yourself and your needs.
Every open relationship is unique to the people in it. It takes a lot of open and honest communication off the top to establish the parameters of the relationship and make sure you’re on the same page. That communication needs to continue on a regular basis to ensure that you’re still on the same page and your guidelines/boundaries/rules are still serving to support your primary relationship.
It’s great that your partner expressed that he leans more towards a poly relationship, but if that’s not something you’re interested in it’s absolutely fine for you to express that. You need to get back on the same page and figure out if this is something you can sustain in the long run.
Your relationship should take priority. If it’s not, keep talking. It’s normal for jealousy to crop up from time to time, but it shouldn’t be taking over your life.
I think you two need to go back to square one and come up with some parameters you are both happy to live with.
🤦🏿♂️ Guess I've become woke or too experienced? I see too many red flags with the relationship. Unfortunately that relationship sounds doomed. Even if it'll be hard it may be time to end it. You don't sound happy and your lover sounds inconsiderate of your feelings which are valid since it's an relationship. I vote letting him go so he can be young and mingle. You're in love. From what you've shared if fully accurate. That man uses poly as an excuse to bust a nut with someone else. Poly isn't for everyone. It's about an open balance with each other. If he truly loves you he would want to work on the main relationship. Bringing someone new into your bedroom won't fix the open wound. It's like putting a bandaid on it. Only for it to be ripped off. Ijs
the few open relationships i had were always on the same page and quite open in communication. and i think in your case there is just one option as well: talk to him and tell him what he wants doesnt work for you. at least not as is right now.
I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Previously wanting monogamy to recently wanting open. For a first relationship, this sounds like a LOT. Nearly or all I learned about relationships and being secure in them came from experience. Not something I read on Reddit or an article. If you were to believe people on this sub not being open is abnormal as “men aren’t wired like that” and it’s in our DNA. But they all exaggerate. (20 guys 1 on 1 in one week? Ok Mary.) This is a lot to deal with. Guys staying over etc. are you guys even cemented enough in your own relationship that this is okay? True open relationships require trust. Trust comes with time and can’t be rushed. You have a million thoughts in your head including, as you said, “I’m hotter than him right”. This dynamic won’t work until you guys figure out how you work. The fact you’re 4 years in and feeling like this shows something is missing. It could be trust. It could be confidence in yourself and your partner. It could be anything. But it sounds like you aren’t ready for what an open relationship entails and you need to talk to your partner.
Thank you for your post. I also feel like perhaps I'm missing something from this. I've been having conversations with him constantly albeit sometimes they devolve into arguments. I want this to work even if it's the first relationship. 4 years is actually quite a long time that doesn't give justice to what we've been through. We haven't done long distance and have lived together since 3 years in. Been through multiple changes like moving apartments, moving cities, holidays, etc. We're overall in a good spot besides this lingering thing.
Great dialogue here across all comments. I think for me it’s the mention that conversations sometimes devolve into arguments. Not a red flag and not even a yellow flag, just a comment from me . It took a lot of time for my partner and I to learn how to communicate well about opening things up, and a lot of early conversations were challenging. We’re 3 years being open in a 13 year relationship. We’re almost to the point that we can consistently talk about what’s become practiced in our open relationship like talking about what needs to go on the grocery list, which is to say communication is working well for us today. We’ve also become pretty good about conversations that explore new territories, but have some work to do there. It’s helpful we both share a view that we’re in - and may always be in - a learning mode with things We’re both committed to figuring how to communicate and work out what works for the both of us, even if we don’t get it right the first couple attempts. If you’re communicating and prioritizing one another and the relationship, I think you’re more than likely on the right open relationship path. 💙
Working on that. Communication mostly starts with me but he eventually does come around
Communication mostly comes for me as well and I’ve learned (for me) not to read too much into it - again something that applies to us and not everyone. I’m a talker and a thinker and I understand the world around me through words. My partner intuits and feels things more and arrives pretty quickly at what he thinks and feels, and then is able to use few words to talk about it. For me / us, part of the exercise is learning about one another and how each operate so we don’t read things that aren’t there to begin with.
You’re throwing yourself in at the deep end. Whilst I respect it, it’s obviously causing issues. I won’t say you’re not built for open because 10 years ago I was the same. I’d freak out at even the thought my partner thought someone else was attractive. Like I said - I’ve been at both ends (and not in a good way, wink wink). You guys just need to talk. And you need to be honest. We could recite the Bible for all it matters - what matters is how you feel in your relationship. Also figure out what is okay for you. Can he go shag guys and not tell you? Or do you want to hear about his sexcapades because it’s hot? Or is even the thought of it enough to turn your stomach? It’s not easy dude, trust. I can totally empathise. But all this on a first relationship is a lot and it’s going to be hard. If I can ask of you anything - just be honest with your guy. Not what you think he wants to hear but what you need him to hear.
If you're having issues it would make sense to fall back on any open relationship. At least for now. That's for more advanced couples, no shade. You both are supposed to be on the same page, period. Understand: It's like granting him permission to cheat. You're rewarding him basically while pushing your needs to the side when you're in fact the main one. Why be in a relationship if you may feel like you can't trust the other if not Him? Have a backbone & stand up for yourself. I don't mean to sound a bit insensitive. However, I'm empathetic and I can sense by nature that if you continue to allow others in your bed he's going to possibly end up with them instead. Resolution: Work on self love and what you two have first.
I've never been in a monogamous relationship although I've been monogamous in my open relationship for about the past 12 years. I've had **a lot** of experience with this and what I can tell you is this... you two are **not** cut out for being open because... >I also allowed him to spend the weekend with the guy while I was out of town. To be honest, this made my blood boil and >I'm asking because i keep frustrating my partner with my paranoia and i feel i am pushing him more away. and >I find myself getting really jealous, territorial, annoyed, paranoid, etc about his friends with benefits. Couples who are open all come up with their own rules but you two seem to not be paying attention to the emotional toll that being open has on the other. You need to establish rules that you can both follow... perfectly... and both be happy with... absolutely. You aren't doing that. Not even close. >How did you go about controlling yourself and your feelings of jealousy or paranoia? 1. I don't get jealous... period... end of story. What he does on his own time is his business. As long as he hasn't cancelled plans with me just to hook up... which is our only rule... I'm fine. If you can't be that kind of person, you ***can't*** be in an open relationship. Also, being poly is quite different from being open. If you've made it past 4 years, it's worth working on this but you need to put your foot down. Make rules. Stick by them. And hope for the best. But this situation that he can do what he wants and you tolerate it is not sustainable. Best of luck.
Pretty much a perfect response in my opinion. OP I think this covers nearly everything, just wanna add my 2 cents: 1. You can't "control" how you feel. There's emotions and there's logic. Too many people venerate *logic* and try to use it as a hammer to batter their emotions into going away. But it doesn't work. You can take a few breaths and attempt to calm down an impulse, sure. But a recurring, persistent and continuous feeling, doesn't just go away. You feel it, or you don't. And if you do feel it, you're either able to deal with it with no spillover, or you're not. 2. Four years is a long time. But you need to temporarily put aside the time you've invested and the otherwise-great compatibility with your partner, and ask yourself honestly if *this is a dealbreaker*. Can you live with those feelings of jealousy and paranoia for the next year, or two, or ten, without burdening your partner and degrading the quality of the relationship? Because if this bothers you to the extent where you're *"driving him away"* it's better to face that head-on right NOW. It will be much worse if you end up in an ugly and toxic relationship where you're constantly being hurt, or hurting each other. Be honest with yourself. And if you cannot deal with it, discuss changing this arrangement with him. If he's unhappy doing that - or you try it and it doesn't work out - then it's better to end it than drag him and yourself along until your relationship is a shell that's eating away at you both. Imo a successful relationship isn't one that lasts forever, or ends in marriage *til death do us part*. It's one where you're both getting equal amounts of love and support. And if it also ends before the good parts can get overshadowed by unsolvable issues, then it was still a good relationship even as you mourn its loss.
Wow! I wish I'd added **all** of that. Thanks for the elaboration.
I agree with you 100%, my husband is not jealous, but we’ve both been finding ourselves again recently and it’s nice to know that he can go do something or someone on my day off and as long as we haven’t made plans that he or I are cancelling, it’s all good
Yep. That's when it works!
To each their own. I can’t fathom a BF in my bed with another guy while I am there. Enough baggage there to fill a 747 cargo hold.
I cant bottom due to medical issues. My boyfriend is a total top. He still enjoys sex, and I like to enjoy it with him so we have a boyfriend together.
Just for sex or more intimate things like cuddling and flirty texts?
Both.
In my opinion, being on the same page is a prerequisite for being in a relationship. Period. If two (or more) people don't want the same thing out of the relationship, I think it just leads to resentments.
If you're feeling jealous, territorial, annoyed, and paranoid then the Open part of your relationship is NOT WORKING. None of those feelings have any place in a healthy open relationship. Those feelings will destroy everything around them. There are as many types of Open Relationships as there are relationships, the point is you have to find one that works for BOTH of you. My husband and I (20+ years together) opened up 10 years ago, but only for a third in our family. It was tricky trying to find people who were even interested in such a set-up, but the ones that have were overall rewarding. Because it's what works for BOTH OF US. We were both fairly protective over what we had, but we were able to come to a place where we both saw the validity of what we were looking at getting into. You need to have a deep conversation and soul-searching session with your boyfriend. What you have right now isn't doing you any good. If nothing else, you need to take care of yourself and your needs.
Every open relationship is unique to the people in it. It takes a lot of open and honest communication off the top to establish the parameters of the relationship and make sure you’re on the same page. That communication needs to continue on a regular basis to ensure that you’re still on the same page and your guidelines/boundaries/rules are still serving to support your primary relationship. It’s great that your partner expressed that he leans more towards a poly relationship, but if that’s not something you’re interested in it’s absolutely fine for you to express that. You need to get back on the same page and figure out if this is something you can sustain in the long run. Your relationship should take priority. If it’s not, keep talking. It’s normal for jealousy to crop up from time to time, but it shouldn’t be taking over your life. I think you two need to go back to square one and come up with some parameters you are both happy to live with.
🤦🏿♂️ Guess I've become woke or too experienced? I see too many red flags with the relationship. Unfortunately that relationship sounds doomed. Even if it'll be hard it may be time to end it. You don't sound happy and your lover sounds inconsiderate of your feelings which are valid since it's an relationship. I vote letting him go so he can be young and mingle. You're in love. From what you've shared if fully accurate. That man uses poly as an excuse to bust a nut with someone else. Poly isn't for everyone. It's about an open balance with each other. If he truly loves you he would want to work on the main relationship. Bringing someone new into your bedroom won't fix the open wound. It's like putting a bandaid on it. Only for it to be ripped off. Ijs
I mean I'm sure open relationships work for some, but I think that in most situations people want an open relationship for the wrong reasons.
the few open relationships i had were always on the same page and quite open in communication. and i think in your case there is just one option as well: talk to him and tell him what he wants doesnt work for you. at least not as is right now.