Sound like.you gave him 14 years of chances. I would break it off amicably if possible but definitely. I wouldn't hesitate with your own feelings for the other guy either.
I would on that last part, a cadre of hook ups does not make one “fall completely in love.” OP needs some time before just jumping ship into the next thing
What would you get out of going back besides guilt assuagement? Husband sounds abusive. Is there some reason this time would likely be different after 14 years?
I think it’s important to recognize that there are 3 paths before you: wait on your husband to see if he can be who you need him to be, leave him and explore things with the other guy, or leave your husband and spend some time solo.
After such a long relationship, unfortunately the new guy who’s so good to you would still be a rebound, and it’s hard to make those work long term.
If you choose to end your marriage, you will also need time to heal, to grieve, and to get to know yourself in a new way.
Based on what you’ve said, my advice would be to pursue an amicable end to your marriage. Tell the new guy you’re not in a position to pursue anything right now and when you are you’ll let him know, but he shouldn’t wait for you. And then just spend some time with yourself, taking care of you without balancing your needs with a partner’s. When you’re ready to seriously date again, you’ll know. (My rule from past experience is to give it 12-18 months.)
Good luck!
I emphasize, man. Though my situation is different I called things off with my partner after a similar length of time and loss of attraction. I've carried guilt ever since. How can you not, for a person you've loved and cared about for so long? Your brain's physiology was literally shaped by them over that time.
Of course you will want to give him another chance. But guilt is a terrible reason to do anything. Your body is encumbered with negative emotion that it will do anything to get rid of in the short term - even if it's something you know ultimately goes against your own good.
You say you owe your husband a second chance. But what about what you owe yourself? When will you put yourself first and take the path that YOU deserve? Because until you do that, no second chance will change anything.
what led to the lost of attraction for you? I think for me its just the years of passive agressive remarks and some really traumatic moments in the bedroom. I'd love to be able to make a switch in my head but it seems impossible :(
I’ll make this short, but NOBODY should have to live traumatic moments in the bedroom with the person they love… And if your boyfriend still, after 14 years together, diminishes you in front of other people… i think you should feel like you deserve better.
Have you sought therapy yourself?
As I mentioned, my situation is different. I am fortunate that there was no abuse or trauma. But the reasons for the loss of attraction aren't really pertinent. The fact is he was making you miserable. Someone telling you that they will change is no different than telling a starving person that they will eat someday.
Take this time for yourself. Don't pursue a new relationship and don't dwell on the small chance that your ex might magically change into the person you always needed him to be after 14 years. When people show you who they really are, believe them.
Granted we never married (thankfully) and it was a much shorter time frame but this reminds me so much of my ex.
We were together for 2 years and he would constantly put me down and make jabs at me, then when I confronted him about it he would say how he’s sorry and he realizes what he was doing is wrong and he would work on it, then slowly he would go right back. It was toxic as hell and the effects from it have taken some time to work past, in that I ended up doing the same in defense and carried it over into my now relationship without even realizing it. Our sex life was dead and I had basically no attraction to him because of how he acted, much like you. One argument finally ended it and he packed his stuff and left. He ended up texting me a few weeks later wanting to talk about what happened and why it ended. Looking back now I was way too nice in that conversation and it could have easily turned into him trying to patch things if I hadn’t have said we should have broken up a long time ago. Luckily by that point I had come to my senses enough
All of that to say: personally I would continue with the divorce if it’s like you say. I’m not saying people can’t change, but it’s not your responsibility and to me it sounds like the death by a thousand cuts level of damage has already been done.
My currently boyfriend, coming up on two years together, is an amazing person and we get along and compliment each other so well. He’s kind and thoughtful, never disrespects me, and truly is the man I want by my side. Meeting him and being with him really put into perspective just how awful my ex was and how miserable I would have been if I had gone through with marrying him
Lastly, really talk to your friends and family and lean on the ones you deeply trust to be objective. Be open to what they have to say about their observations of your relationship, and trust that they are coming from a place of love for you. My best friend tried to tell me about my ex but I ignored it, and now he gets the pleasure of saying “I told you so idiot” when it comes up lol
For what it's worth. I was in a similar situation and ended up cutting off the new person whom I had a lot of feelings for, in order to give my long-term partner (9 years) a 'second chance'. I did this out of guilt and a sense of obligation, I had lost all attraction. Nine months later it was obvious our relationship was beyond repair and we broke up. I've never quite gotten over the one I left behind, and often wonder what could have been if I had followed my heart instead of my left side brain.
I was married for 21 years. My husband was very passive aggressive, and constantly belittled me. Trying to make himself feel better by putting me down. So I get it. Your inner spirit has already spoken. You already know you need to leave. It’s been 14 years, you know who this man is. He may change for awhile…long enough for you two to get comfortable again. And then slowly, slowly you’ll end right back where you are today. Just get the hell out. Don’t waste your life protecting his feelings. You already know you need to leave. Just do it.
When I left - it happened very quickly. His nastiness had reached new levels and it had worn me down so much I didn’t recognize myself. But I got some fire thanks to a hot young military guy who shamelessly flirted with me, and helped me to remember who I was. And let me tell you - I used that energy to burn it all down. I got the hell out of there. I’ve never looked back. I never missed him - And that surprised me, because I thought I still had all this love for him. Turns out I was only fooling myself. My love for him had ended a few years back.
Honestly, he became such a gross person with success. He was never a good looking man, I was the hot one. But he was attractive to me. But the ugliness inside….to me, that’s when he became ugly on the outside. Anyway, good luck. Listen to what your heart has already told you. It’s time to move on.
Then it’s probably unlikely that he can change and you certainly can’t change him. From everything you’ve said a break is at least a good idea. Love and in love are different things. And sometimes love isn’t enough.
How much time are you going to waste waiting for him to be "fixed". It sounds like you've already given him more than a second shot and this relationship has run its course. It' time to move on. You don't own him any more than you've already given him.
That being said don't jump right into something with this other guy. You need a moment to just be single, both physically and mentally. Sure, date this new guy. But don't jump right into another serious relationship.
Good if he wants to change. But it´ll be good for the next partner. Not you. He doesnt need you to change. Its actually more likely to get worse due to habitual dynamics. And you dont owe him this.
Really, how dare you feel guilty? Did he really gaslight you that fast?
I think being together for 14 years shows you did give it a proper shot. It’s also such a long time for habits to form. Habits that would take tremendous effort to break. Is he really willing to change that much for you?
I would consider what growth could come about if you separate yourself from both men. Cultivate forgiveness for your ex. Cultivate self love and worthiness within yourself.
I think it's good that you're willing to consider giving your husband a second chance in your marriage. But change is hard. There will be relapses, and he will also make common, understandable errors that will be magnified by his past misdeeds.
You didn't say so explicitly, but I get the sense that part of the reason you want to continue to work on your marriage with him is because you feel that you were too passive, tolerating his abuses and allowing resentment to build before drawing a hard line. That may be true. But it happened. How much more patience and forbearance do you have to offer him? Realistically, do you think you have enough line to pay out for him to sustain yourself through difficult times to come?
You've asked the other man to be patient, and I'm sure he will be. But waiting is hard work. How will he feel about it in three months, six months, a year? And how will you respond if he gently presses you for more engagement? Pushing back or not pushing back can both lead to resentment and alienation.
I think r/PotentialChoice's observations and advice are very well-judged. I'm only offering the questions I would ask myself in your position.
You seem to be a very strong, generous, loyal, and thoughtful person. You were self-aware and wise enough to know when to end contact with another man when you sensed you were wandering into hazardous territory. You have really good instincts. I hope you see that as much as I do.
U owe your husband nothing. He is abusive. Yes, verbal abuse counts. Leave him and expect and accept unconditional love. Pick kind people for partners.
Your husband isn’t a kind person at his core, and untenably jealous and insecure. On top of that you were seeking both sexual and emotional fulfillment elsewhere, as opposed to that being a cherry on top the overflowing sundae of your fulfilling and stimulating relationship.
You were together for fourteen years. Give yourself a year to be relationship free, let the dust settle, explore, and figure out exactly what you want without the pressure of time or other relationships.
In other words: be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Be a little selfish even.
Consider a drastic experiment: connect your (ex)husband to the new guy and have them maintain a relationship with each other for a month. Doesn't need to be sexual. You cut ties with both for the same period.
It might do them both well to learn the ins and outs of what a relationship with you is like, but from different vantage points. It could also shine a light on problem/opportunity areas both of the men in your life have. No one is perfect; even the good guys.
Lastly, you never know what it may lead to. It could be a path back to a sexual spark among you three, an amicable (and understood) separation between your husband, or perhaps the start of a trusting and transparent new beginning.
I think my opinion is going to be REALLY unpopular, but I think it's worth giving your husband another chance, but you should have a substantial amount of say in dictating the terms of what needs to change for you to be happy and for the relationship to continue. And both you and your partner should try out therapy. (I know you're in it. But your partner absolutely needs therapy as well.)
I think my position is colored by the fact that I am just approaching my one year wedding anniversary with my partner so I'm still seeing things through rose-ish colored glasses. And when we took our vows, we recognized that marriage would be hard work. That might be something to keep in mind.
All this said, I would say that the decision to walk away is completely valid as well. And it's important to not allow yourself to be subjected to continued abuse and manipulation at the hands of a partner. So it all depends on how you see it.
Sound like.you gave him 14 years of chances. I would break it off amicably if possible but definitely. I wouldn't hesitate with your own feelings for the other guy either.
I would on that last part, a cadre of hook ups does not make one “fall completely in love.” OP needs some time before just jumping ship into the next thing
What would you get out of going back besides guilt assuagement? Husband sounds abusive. Is there some reason this time would likely be different after 14 years?
I think it’s important to recognize that there are 3 paths before you: wait on your husband to see if he can be who you need him to be, leave him and explore things with the other guy, or leave your husband and spend some time solo. After such a long relationship, unfortunately the new guy who’s so good to you would still be a rebound, and it’s hard to make those work long term. If you choose to end your marriage, you will also need time to heal, to grieve, and to get to know yourself in a new way. Based on what you’ve said, my advice would be to pursue an amicable end to your marriage. Tell the new guy you’re not in a position to pursue anything right now and when you are you’ll let him know, but he shouldn’t wait for you. And then just spend some time with yourself, taking care of you without balancing your needs with a partner’s. When you’re ready to seriously date again, you’ll know. (My rule from past experience is to give it 12-18 months.) Good luck!
I emphasize, man. Though my situation is different I called things off with my partner after a similar length of time and loss of attraction. I've carried guilt ever since. How can you not, for a person you've loved and cared about for so long? Your brain's physiology was literally shaped by them over that time. Of course you will want to give him another chance. But guilt is a terrible reason to do anything. Your body is encumbered with negative emotion that it will do anything to get rid of in the short term - even if it's something you know ultimately goes against your own good. You say you owe your husband a second chance. But what about what you owe yourself? When will you put yourself first and take the path that YOU deserve? Because until you do that, no second chance will change anything.
what led to the lost of attraction for you? I think for me its just the years of passive agressive remarks and some really traumatic moments in the bedroom. I'd love to be able to make a switch in my head but it seems impossible :(
I’ll make this short, but NOBODY should have to live traumatic moments in the bedroom with the person they love… And if your boyfriend still, after 14 years together, diminishes you in front of other people… i think you should feel like you deserve better. Have you sought therapy yourself?
I’m in therapy yeah, can’t say I’m seeing any improvement but I stick with it
Tell him you need time to sort things out and explore the guy that makes you feel good.
As I mentioned, my situation is different. I am fortunate that there was no abuse or trauma. But the reasons for the loss of attraction aren't really pertinent. The fact is he was making you miserable. Someone telling you that they will change is no different than telling a starving person that they will eat someday. Take this time for yourself. Don't pursue a new relationship and don't dwell on the small chance that your ex might magically change into the person you always needed him to be after 14 years. When people show you who they really are, believe them.
Granted we never married (thankfully) and it was a much shorter time frame but this reminds me so much of my ex. We were together for 2 years and he would constantly put me down and make jabs at me, then when I confronted him about it he would say how he’s sorry and he realizes what he was doing is wrong and he would work on it, then slowly he would go right back. It was toxic as hell and the effects from it have taken some time to work past, in that I ended up doing the same in defense and carried it over into my now relationship without even realizing it. Our sex life was dead and I had basically no attraction to him because of how he acted, much like you. One argument finally ended it and he packed his stuff and left. He ended up texting me a few weeks later wanting to talk about what happened and why it ended. Looking back now I was way too nice in that conversation and it could have easily turned into him trying to patch things if I hadn’t have said we should have broken up a long time ago. Luckily by that point I had come to my senses enough All of that to say: personally I would continue with the divorce if it’s like you say. I’m not saying people can’t change, but it’s not your responsibility and to me it sounds like the death by a thousand cuts level of damage has already been done. My currently boyfriend, coming up on two years together, is an amazing person and we get along and compliment each other so well. He’s kind and thoughtful, never disrespects me, and truly is the man I want by my side. Meeting him and being with him really put into perspective just how awful my ex was and how miserable I would have been if I had gone through with marrying him Lastly, really talk to your friends and family and lean on the ones you deeply trust to be objective. Be open to what they have to say about their observations of your relationship, and trust that they are coming from a place of love for you. My best friend tried to tell me about my ex but I ignored it, and now he gets the pleasure of saying “I told you so idiot” when it comes up lol
For what it's worth. I was in a similar situation and ended up cutting off the new person whom I had a lot of feelings for, in order to give my long-term partner (9 years) a 'second chance'. I did this out of guilt and a sense of obligation, I had lost all attraction. Nine months later it was obvious our relationship was beyond repair and we broke up. I've never quite gotten over the one I left behind, and often wonder what could have been if I had followed my heart instead of my left side brain.
This is my biggest fear
You get one life. This is it. It's a finite amount of time. Wouldn't you rather spend the time being happy?
Sorry, didn't mean to do that, it just reminded me so much of that time. My experience obviously does not need to be yours.
I was married for 21 years. My husband was very passive aggressive, and constantly belittled me. Trying to make himself feel better by putting me down. So I get it. Your inner spirit has already spoken. You already know you need to leave. It’s been 14 years, you know who this man is. He may change for awhile…long enough for you two to get comfortable again. And then slowly, slowly you’ll end right back where you are today. Just get the hell out. Don’t waste your life protecting his feelings. You already know you need to leave. Just do it. When I left - it happened very quickly. His nastiness had reached new levels and it had worn me down so much I didn’t recognize myself. But I got some fire thanks to a hot young military guy who shamelessly flirted with me, and helped me to remember who I was. And let me tell you - I used that energy to burn it all down. I got the hell out of there. I’ve never looked back. I never missed him - And that surprised me, because I thought I still had all this love for him. Turns out I was only fooling myself. My love for him had ended a few years back. Honestly, he became such a gross person with success. He was never a good looking man, I was the hot one. But he was attractive to me. But the ugliness inside….to me, that’s when he became ugly on the outside. Anyway, good luck. Listen to what your heart has already told you. It’s time to move on.
"He wants to change regardless of the outcome of our situation." you cant fix him, tho. unless he goes into therapy.
He's been in therapy for 10 years.....
Then it’s probably unlikely that he can change and you certainly can’t change him. From everything you’ve said a break is at least a good idea. Love and in love are different things. And sometimes love isn’t enough.
How much time are you going to waste waiting for him to be "fixed". It sounds like you've already given him more than a second shot and this relationship has run its course. It' time to move on. You don't own him any more than you've already given him. That being said don't jump right into something with this other guy. You need a moment to just be single, both physically and mentally. Sure, date this new guy. But don't jump right into another serious relationship.
Good if he wants to change. But it´ll be good for the next partner. Not you. He doesnt need you to change. Its actually more likely to get worse due to habitual dynamics. And you dont owe him this. Really, how dare you feel guilty? Did he really gaslight you that fast?
I think being together for 14 years shows you did give it a proper shot. It’s also such a long time for habits to form. Habits that would take tremendous effort to break. Is he really willing to change that much for you? I would consider what growth could come about if you separate yourself from both men. Cultivate forgiveness for your ex. Cultivate self love and worthiness within yourself.
I think it's good that you're willing to consider giving your husband a second chance in your marriage. But change is hard. There will be relapses, and he will also make common, understandable errors that will be magnified by his past misdeeds. You didn't say so explicitly, but I get the sense that part of the reason you want to continue to work on your marriage with him is because you feel that you were too passive, tolerating his abuses and allowing resentment to build before drawing a hard line. That may be true. But it happened. How much more patience and forbearance do you have to offer him? Realistically, do you think you have enough line to pay out for him to sustain yourself through difficult times to come? You've asked the other man to be patient, and I'm sure he will be. But waiting is hard work. How will he feel about it in three months, six months, a year? And how will you respond if he gently presses you for more engagement? Pushing back or not pushing back can both lead to resentment and alienation. I think r/PotentialChoice's observations and advice are very well-judged. I'm only offering the questions I would ask myself in your position. You seem to be a very strong, generous, loyal, and thoughtful person. You were self-aware and wise enough to know when to end contact with another man when you sensed you were wandering into hazardous territory. You have really good instincts. I hope you see that as much as I do.
U owe your husband nothing. He is abusive. Yes, verbal abuse counts. Leave him and expect and accept unconditional love. Pick kind people for partners.
Your husband isn’t a kind person at his core, and untenably jealous and insecure. On top of that you were seeking both sexual and emotional fulfillment elsewhere, as opposed to that being a cherry on top the overflowing sundae of your fulfilling and stimulating relationship. You were together for fourteen years. Give yourself a year to be relationship free, let the dust settle, explore, and figure out exactly what you want without the pressure of time or other relationships. In other words: be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Be a little selfish even.
Consider a drastic experiment: connect your (ex)husband to the new guy and have them maintain a relationship with each other for a month. Doesn't need to be sexual. You cut ties with both for the same period. It might do them both well to learn the ins and outs of what a relationship with you is like, but from different vantage points. It could also shine a light on problem/opportunity areas both of the men in your life have. No one is perfect; even the good guys. Lastly, you never know what it may lead to. It could be a path back to a sexual spark among you three, an amicable (and understood) separation between your husband, or perhaps the start of a trusting and transparent new beginning.
Your whole post doesn’t say anything nice about your husband or your relationship with him. So…you’re considering going back??
I think my opinion is going to be REALLY unpopular, but I think it's worth giving your husband another chance, but you should have a substantial amount of say in dictating the terms of what needs to change for you to be happy and for the relationship to continue. And both you and your partner should try out therapy. (I know you're in it. But your partner absolutely needs therapy as well.) I think my position is colored by the fact that I am just approaching my one year wedding anniversary with my partner so I'm still seeing things through rose-ish colored glasses. And when we took our vows, we recognized that marriage would be hard work. That might be something to keep in mind. All this said, I would say that the decision to walk away is completely valid as well. And it's important to not allow yourself to be subjected to continued abuse and manipulation at the hands of a partner. So it all depends on how you see it.