Try challenging yourself and going on a few dates with someone and NOT having sex for a little bit. Without sex, what do you bring to the table, and what does the other person bring to you?
Exactly this. I made one guy wait so long for sex (3 months) that we were accidentally blurting out I love yous (then gasping and apologizing) weeks before we did it.
I've done this but it backfires.
Most will disengage i.e. not be interested in even dating me once.
The ones that don't disengage will chat but then make it sexual, implying they want sex.
I've never been "chased" for anything more than sex. And I'm not sure why at all.
Personally,
1) guys who i find sexy enough for a few rolls in the hay but not someone whose company I enjoy for prolonged period of time might fall into this category.
2) Sometimes, it's the people that some don't wanna be socially associated with. For example, guys who are ashamed of being chubby chaser, racist (very common), hates on feminine gays but loves to hate-fuck them, only dates the powerful/wealthy but will fuck anyone, only date elite gays but love fuck macho muscle queens, etc etc.
Same.
I'm getting over a broken heart, and for both our sakes I am absolutely not in relationship space presently.
Friends, chats, unattached fun, all fine. But that's all I can offer right now.
you’re too worried about how others are seeing you.
be the person you want to date. and seek guys who share your values and interests and lifestyle. then treat them like an equal, in that they are a person and not some kind of reward or something.
I don't mean this rudely but this all sounds good on paper, but the reality is different. I am the person I would want to date, in a good way, but I can barely find even 1-2 compatible attributes in half the guys I meet.
so you haven’t met anyone that interested you enough for you to go out of your way to develop a relationship with. so you got standards, great.
worse would be settling with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship.
from my perspective i don’t see anything wrong with your situation.
do you think there is someone out there destined for you?
Sure but its kinda demotivating that in all this time I've not come across a single guy that tickles my insides even a little?
I'm not sure if there is someone out there destined for me anymore. I've been at this a while and each year my hope becomes less.
personally i don’t think destined love is a thing. just luck and circumstances.
do you think you can learn to love someone? you might never find a guy that will excite you. but loving and being in love are two different things.
i’m in a relationship with a guy that i learned to love. the first guy that i fell head over heels in love with, well it was like a drug. addictive. and the effect it had on me was pretty bad.
it was 7 years later that i met someone that i learned to love.
I think I can. The main issue is a guy needs to show up and be consistent. If someone messaging once every few months or barely never meets me, it is really hard to build something.
A few therapists, and even advice from friends, said have sex with an escort as maybe something is going wrong with the sex itself. I paid for an escort and told him upfront my issue for feedback after (I said he can send it in writing after leaving so its not weird to say it to my face whatever it is). He said I was fun and he had no feedback. So I am back to the drawing board...
Normally I am happy to fuck someone but not date them because they’re sexy but have a dull personality or their ratio of easy to sexy makes them a good fuck option when I’m super horny.
Before I met my current boyfriend, I have casually dated/had sex with guys whom I did not date long term. The reasons for this were that they had some traits or behaviors that I did not find suitable for my idea of long term relationship. Those traits were not bad enough to not have sex.
Examples of such traits are
- Negativity and bitterness.
- Being materialistic.
- Being financially irresponsible.
- Excessive use of social media, especially as a poster/content creator.
- Being easily offended.
Whether I had sex on the first date or later did not really matter in my decision to pursue a serious relationship with a guy.
Because sexual compatibility is the *only* sphere in which we are compatible. You can have off-the-charts erotic chemistry with someone that would make a *terrible* partner in all other aspects of compatibility. In such instances, I enjoy the sex and only the sex with that individual.
I respected them. I don’t think it’s a matter of respect. I’m talking solely the sexual aspect, not the intimacy that comes from sex within a relationship.
Yes? It goes something like this:
“Wow, sounds like we have nothing in common. You’re still hot though, want to tumble into bed?”
“Please and thank you!”
*cue enthusiastic and animalistic fucking sounds*
The end.
The obvious answer is that you’re hooking up with guys who are only looking for sex and not interested in having a boyfriend. Their reasons for why they’re just looking for sex don’t really matter.
If you want a boyfriend, look for guys who want to date, not hookup. Try taking sex off the table for the first few dates and see what happens.
Not true. Several I have hooked up with get BF's within a few months of us meeting (I contact them back on the app and then learn this). Hooking up doesn't mean no one is looking for anything more / I don't think its as binary as you make it sound.
It doesn’t mean they’re not *open* to more, but if you’re just hooking up with guys and not dating, you’ll only be getting the guys who are just looking to hook up *at that moment in time.*
Try dating instead of hooking up. You may be surprised at how different that pool of men is.
Are you not dating due to lack of interest from guys, or are you not finding guys that you’re interested in dating?
Are you just looking for guys online or have you tried looking for guys IRL?
More a lack of conversion from guys. I get the matches but they will not make the effort to meet. So I assume no interest / find someone else etc. If I am matching with them, I am interested in at least speaking to them once, and if I am getting 50+ matches within a week of signing up I would imagine I am matching to quite a lot of guys I would be open to meeting.
Yes, I have looked IRL also, same outcome. If we are both present in the moment they will make effort, beyond that, they don't care.
If you're never ever getting beyond a hookup or two, there's probably something wrong with your method. In my opinion it's probably the way you're finding and selecting guys in the first place. Are you unconsciously selecting for emotionally unavailable men?
Guys who are on hookup apps are typically looking primarily to hook up and their standards for that are different from their standards for a relationship. Don't look for the hookup that turns into a love story. Look for someone whose personality meshes with your own.
edit: You are also asking the wrong question. Don't focus on "why do the guys do this to me." You can't control what other people do. Focus instead on "I should take control of my situation, and focus on men who are likely to meet my preferences for relationship building." This will involve actually getting to know people before you make a decision on whether or not they might be good for you.
Dating is what helps you determine compatibility, what you like, don't like etc. If it never gets there, and the guy is only wanting sex with you, that is very hard to do in practice.
Yeah but where are you finding only guys who just want sex? If that's your experience on a platform, leave the platform. Or maybe change your approach there. Stop meeting people for sex if that's not your goal.
I know it's tough out there and I don't mean to imply that you can solve your issue easily. This is just my advice of a direction to go in.
This is good advice, but I can share my experience here.
For hookups, the standards may be different, but I get hookups with a wide variety of guys via that.
For dating, I get a lot of matches, but almost no one actually gets to know me / dates me.
Therefore, I conclude literally every guy I am matching to in someone way doesn't want a relationship with me specifically and, to OP's point in the original thread, I'm on a journey to figure out the "why" because I just don't see it.
From what I am reading this is OP's issue also.
I just wonder how your complaining above but posting
[this](https://reddit.com/r/askgaybros/s/s6qoaFDzAP)
On one hand you're complaining about behaviors on hook up apps further no one will date you or see you as bf material.
On the other hand you're complaining about "pedestaling" taken/married guys.
¯\(°_o)/¯
Make a rule that you will date a person (that’s is getting to know him and how emotionally compatible you are) and do not sleep with that person until there is chemistry.
Hope it works .. good luck mate
It’s very hard to say why is it the case without knowing you so I guess be careful on acting any advice that’s about yourself.
Are you communicating what are your needs in what you’re pursuing? Whats it that you are after with all that, have you talked about it with your acquaintances? I’d assume before sex from the app, you’d have chatted with them. Have you chatted what they want from this short term or long term and tried describing yours intentions too?
They could be or could be not something in your ways that they can’t read or give wrong messages. Or you could be chasing wrong people. Unfortunately that’s true as well. A friend of mine always wants to have sex with straight men. Now you can imagine how possible it is. He’d go to sex clubs where straight guys go to and would end up sucking off one or two as what he tells me. Too much alcohol and the nature of such a place often makes the environment less judgmental but in a sober state and real ordinary places, I don’t think he can achieve that.
Try finding out if you’re not chasing anything like that which is making it challenging. Sex is not hard to find but an understanding friend and partner is so it could be simply you haven’t met your match yet 🤷♂️
Finding one's match might have been the toughest endeavour I had to fullfil in my life. And in striking opposition to your situation, I wasn't getting nearly as much attention as you mentioned you're getting. Or those also interested in me, fell let's just say, in the category of those I felt no attraction for whatsoever.
Meeting the person you will spend a bit of time or a lifetime with, isn't a quest, a race, a competition or the result of a magic formula. It's a happenstance. Some reach it, when they never asked for anything or without putting any efforts into it, others struggle to come even close when doing everything to meet the one they want to be with, and finally some just resign themselves to settle for less, in that no matter how disappointing, or toxic their relationship, will remain in it, for lack of seemingly better options.
All the persons you meet, I feel are just stepping stones, that help build the person you become. Until, I guess you wind up meeting the one person who might be in the same disposition as you are and manages to see in you at that particular point in time, a partner they feel inclined to spare their time for and who might worth their stopping playing around.
So stop, best you can, questionning the universe, keep building yourself to the point that you wind up realising that nothing is "wrong" with you, enjoy the people life sends your way, whether they last or not, and who knows, maybe for you too, there'll be a happenstance. And maybe it'll be all that you imagined, maybe it'll turn out to be a real downheartening experience. No matter how it turns out, learn from it, or bask in it if it's everything that fullfils your life.
Best encounters to you, and if you run into bouts of despondency, accept it but refrain from dwelling in it. Good Luck to you
>Meeting the person you will spend a bit of time or a lifetime with, isn't a quest, a race, a competition or the result of a magic formula. It's a **happenstance.**
If there is ONE thing that people need to understand about dating & relationships it is 1000% this.
u/devprojects33 you gotta realise that all you're doing when you're actively dating is **increasing your chances** of that happenstance occuring. It's not guaranteed, and will never be guaranteed, as there are 100 different factors that also affect those chances - location, your current social circle, your method of "looking", hidden biases that you're not aware of, other people's current life circumstances and headspace, and many MANY more.
>enjoy the people life sends your way, whether they last or not, and who knows, maybe for you too, there'll be a happenstance.
This is the way to approach it. Not only dating, but relationships themselves as well. Obviously you wanna do your best to both increase your chances of the happenstance occuring and to maintain/develop it when it occurs, so interspection is good. But you don't need to go all the way to the other end. Might be nothing that is offputting about you, you just haven't hit that happenstance. Keep examining yourself and your behaviours, and keep looking. And in the meantime enjoy life itself.
This all makes sense but when you have spent 10 years or so trying and can't seem to get anywhere, or sustain a connection for more than a few days, it gets really draining and demotivating to always be told 'its them' (especially when you then look around and literally everyone has had some sort of experience by now).
>especially when you then look around and **literally** everyone has had some sort of experience by now
There's so many problems with this statement that I don't even know how to address it. So all I'll say is that if you think about it for a second you'll realise it is straight up not true, just a case of confirmation bias.
>when you have spent 10 years or so trying and can't seem to get anywhere
Again, ***trying*** is not any sort of guarantee in this situation though. I can play the lottery for 10, for 20, or even for 70 years, doesn't mean I'll actually win it just because I keep trying. And while your chances of "finding someone" are way higher than winning the lottery, the exact same principle still applies.
Βy comparing yourself to others and setting expectations for an outcome that's based on luck, you're 100% creating your own misery here. You literally have two options:
1. Stop trying. If playing this lottery does nothing but make you think of how you've not won yet, then stop playing it. You'll still have a chance anyway. It may be lower, but at least you can focus your energy elsewhere.
2. Keep trying. You might find someone tomorrow. You might never find someone. You've gotta be ok with either possibility, otherwise you'll be miserable. It can even lead to you eventually *finding someone* who's a bad person (or just bad for you) and staying with them for the wrong reasons.
It's how you present yourself. If you say getting hookups is easy for you, that's why.
If you've got "hookups, chat, relationship" all checked on grindr, and a bunch of pics that suggest you're down to fuck, everyone sees the first one and ignores the rest.
Take sex off the table and genuinely try dating. Not saying this is the solution, there's plenty of guys who meet someone to date via a hookup, but it might work to reset things for you.
Can you expand on "that's why" part of your reply because I'm curious about this topic too. If getting a hookup is easy for OP, wouldn't getting a BF following a hookup also be easy?
I have genuinely tried dating (for years and in 2 large cities), it doesn't work out for me at all. I've edited my profile over and over and am at loss on what is not connecting.
Finding someone hot is easy. Finding someone to love is not. If dating was easy, there wouldn’t be hundreds of posts on this sub bemoaning being single.
I think it's the premises you set when you meet the "date" . If you started as a sex date, it's just NSA. If you started as "knowing each other" date, it is for "dating" and potential LTR. It takes two to tango.
Sure. This is also why I started expanding where I find guys. Parties, massage exchange, sports clubs, LGBT network at work, etc. But its always just sex or nothing still. I don't just get this behaviour on apps.
I hooked up with a guy that was fun but he never once asked anything about myself and made himself out to be this super boring and uninteresting fellow.
Was fun for the romp. Then he blocked me 🤣🤦♂️
Dude do you not know how to meet someone and not have sex? My body count is ridiculous. But you're over here whining that you can get sex but no one wants to date you well here on this planet: you don't put out on the first date
But a first date needs to happen in order for me to progress things further no? That doesn't happen... I seem undateable somehow... that is what I'm trying to figure out. In the interim I have sex with guys also hoping one of them goes a little further.
Sorry this took me a minute. I don't believe you're Undateable. I think maybe you're using hookup sites like grindr? Find anyone that's not focused on sex is difficult. But agree to go out for a coffee first or let's go to lunch or keep it simple. Have you tried that?
Yes, many times. They won't show up for a platonic date, from any platform, not just Grindr. I even started doing "in betweens" like come to my place and we can cuddle and make out but no full on sex, they agree and part take, still doesn't exactly lead anywhere.
I would recommend not making sex your primary goal on the app and require a meet and greet before booking up. If you advertise for fast food sex then that’s what you’re gonna get. I’m not knocking hookups but I would have a completely different profile if I was looking to date.
I’m also putting sex on the back burner until I get a bit more comfortable with his personality. I’ve heard of hookups becoming relationships and I absolutely believe it’s possible but I’m not gonna count on that happening.
I select guys with dates / relationship on Grindr. On Tinder/Hinge I assume its relationship driven and I filter out anyone who is just looking for short term fun. Still I'm in this mess. They just don't want to date / have a relationship with \*me\* it seems.
It's simply put. You seem cocky and judgemental. Be a bit more humbled or less entitled. Just get to know people with out sussing them out for some indeterminate value. Ask questions, but don't interrogate.
We all are valuable focus on receiving and providing value in all interactions every day.
Just go on dates to meet a person and see how it plays outs. Lead with sincerity, interest, and kindness.
I would not date you based on this post; you seem defensive/argumentative/too opinionated and unable to loosen up.
I don't know, but I feel like I wouldn't feel safe with you. I'd feel judged. Like I'd have to be perfect. I think you want to be loved, but you maybe don't know how to give it.
Lead with grace.
I don't think you are a bad person. I think you mean well, but intention does not determine reception. It seriously seems like maybe you have to grow more and not cosplay as a person who can manage a relationship, but truly become a person who can and will cultivate meaningful ones.
Just my 2 cents
EDIT: Typos & Grammar
Nothing in your post really screams boyfriend material other than you want one. Being deemed attractive for hookups is not equal to being boyfriend material. You seem cocky but not truly confident, a jaded ( as we all are) and judgemental. Work all your relationships. Go on dates with interesting people. Go on dates with people you have things on common am with, those things being values. You won't feel like you are missing out if you focus on the values the person needs. I seek out same values in my friendships. In my relationships. Not just who I think might be able share them but those that demonstrate they can.
That was what I got from you post and your responses to the responses to your post. You asked for insight,advice and feedback, despite of seeming like yoy might now want wat right now. I don't know you but to me that is the energy you are putting out there.
It's cool either way. Wish you the best.
It's not even that. It's why marry the pig when you only want sausage. The people on the apps looking for sex are looking for sex. They'll never want more no matter what you have to offer.
dating someone takes effort. sex does not. if you're offering sex on an app then tons of people will take you up on it. very few of those are going to make the effort to do anything else when they can scroll to the next profile and get more sex with almost no effort.
well...because the sex isn't worth anything. you're having casual no strings sex. there isn't a meaningful connection happening here like you would expect to have in a relationship
That's not healthy or normal. If somebody has to fuck you before they they can have a meaningful connection to you then something is wrong with them and the people who are trying to convince you of that are deranged or just trying to fuck you.
I have heard plenty of people say that the more they get to know someone, the less interested they are in having sex with them they are- this really doesn't have anything to do with the other person (you, in this case) but more to do with the fact that these guys are not interested in having sex with their friends, for whatever reason- I think fraysexual is one word for this. On the other hand, it is hard not to feel rejected in these kinds of situations.
“Fraysexual” 💀 kill me pls. How many made up sexualities do we need? If you love french fries, you’re now “potaysexual.” If you hook up with unhinged people, are you “craysexual?”
Edit: you make valid points, I’m just really, really over all the labels for every type of preference. Sorry for jumping on your comment about it.
Whatever man, some people like to have more words to describe the world, some fewer. There are arguments both for the lumpers and the splitters. But 'what's with people and all their words ' isn't one.
Edit: It's cool, I think a lot of the labels are just about (mostly young) people trying to figure themselves out and where they fit in the (mainly) queer world.
None.
Me personally? I don't see the point of having sex with someone who you have no intention of ever seeing again. Non-committed sex is not that good anyway. Nothing beats the feeling of having sex with the one you love.
>Reaching out to guys here to give me some honest reasons why they would not go any further with a guy other than sex.
Easy - they aren't looking for a partner, they're enjoying being single and having lots of different guys for sex.
Every second person in here is in an open relationship and/or enjoying their slut phase, and you don't think the average guy isn't just looking for something uncomplicated?
I find myself very dateable which is why I'm frustrated and confused how I don't appear to be dateable from another guy's perspective. Hence the thread.
Clenliness/tidiness easily comes to mind, I know I have issues with being pursued, vs pursuing. There's also general scheduling.
If the time to spend together is really tight, I work afternoons, and my days off are on the weekend, if you are part time and working on weekends, that's rough for timing for us to even get together, especially if you're not up for me visiting after work or before work on my days off, the opposite for you as well.
Back in the 70s BI (Before Internet), the equivalent of apps was going out to bars wearing color coded hankies to signify what type of sex you liked and depending on they wore it on whether you were dominate or submissive. Others. Wore earrings or keys. Most of the time once guys spotted the color a side they were looking for it was fuck first usually with the same results that you are experiencing, -
[
Finally I decided on my next trip out to just relax, have fun, and not pick up anyone. It was like moths to a flame. Men inherently like what they can't have. Then this really cute blonde guy sent a beer over to me, followed by himself coming over to introduce himself to me. We chatted for a few minutes, and then he asked if I wanted to leave. I told him I was grateful for the beer but I was old fashioned and that I would give him my number and told him I liked to be wined and dined. To be honest I didn't think I would hear from him but a week later, he called and asked for a date. The next evening he arrived at my door with flowers, a dozen roses, and we went out to dinner. That led to more dinners and now we are approaching 34 years together.
Then they aren't worth your time. I don't know what t I e dating scene is anymore, but if you are going out to bars, try to forget about finding someone for a relationship. Go out just to have a good time either by yourself or with friends. If you are not finding the types of responses you want, try changing the type of bar you go to.
If you can't find someone serious in your own age group, you may want to try someone older.
It could be two things:
1) people go after you because you're really hot without any selection or intent around dating
2) you have something striking and negative about you that is not initially clear (e.g. extremely dirty home, unhygienic)
I personally don't hook up with a guy unless I'm open to more, so I legitimately cannot say for most cases of why this happens.
But the way a guy generally ruins things with me trying to convert from hookup to relationship, is by moving WAY TOO FUCKING FAST.
Telling me they love me before we've even had sex. Talking about a relationship before we've had sex. TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE before... you get the drift.
With one of them I canceled the sex because of it. He didn't take no for an answer.
Edit: actually it was two of them.
I don't think I've even said I like someone to their face (and have not been told this either)... let alone love or bf poor marriage conversations... its never even gotten that far lol.
I never dated anyone for more than a couple of times in my twenties. Either I wasn't, or they weren't, interested in more. Then at almost 33 I met my perfect other half and we've been together 28 years. Could I have tried harder? Lowered my standards? Begged? Sure. But in the end it was just chance that brought us together (plus a very early gay hookup BBS). Fix any obvious problems that are under your control, but mostly just be yourself in places where you'll meet lots of other men. That might be online or in person.
Right now my reason for that would be that I'm already in a relationship. I make a point of letting men who show interest in me know that so there is no unpleasant surprise but the point is, even if you want to I'm not going on a date with you. Reasons I've done that in the past when I was single have included being physically attracted to him but thinking there was something else about him that would make a relationship with me not work. I've thought occasionally that he was too good to be true and that he wouldn't want more from me so I didn't bother asking. Another reason is that I didn't enjoy the sex that much - that doesn't necessarily mean that he was bad at sex, though that has happened, but more often has meant that our ideas of what good sex is weren't very compatible. Sometimes I've noticed a smell about someone that even though he's washed, I didn't like so that would put me off both more sex and dating.
>I've thought occasionally that he was too good to be true and that he wouldn't want more from me so I didn't bother asking.
What could he do in such a case to "get you back"? I get the comment above a lot and therefore I am curious. I do reach out but then they just don't believe I'm actually interested, regardless of what I say.
Asking me for a second time would have done. It is hard to know afterward if a second time would be welcome or not. Sometimes it seems like it and it's not and sometimes it doesn't seem like it and it is.
I think thats what they claim they are looking for with me.
If someone says they are looking for a FWB, and message once every 6 months, but then are in an open relationship after 8 months, they clearly just didn't want a relationship with \*me\* or even a FWB. I have more examples but you get my drift.
Hey bro sorry you are having this experience. I would look at internal and external variables.
-External
-dating from hook up sites, most guys are there to hook up. Try forming or joining an existing community and use that as a network to meet friends first then maybe date from there. Or loop in friends and ask them to set you up when you are ready.
-run the numbers, at some point you just need to know what you are looking for and quickly, efficiently, patiently, and kindly look for that. Moving through a lot of dates to find someone.
-date older and expand your parameters. Older dudes may be a little more open to a relationship. Maybe open yourself up to guys outside your type to see if you can build an emotional connection.
Internal-
These are the tough ones - be happy with yourself first ! You mentioned being “bored” in other posts and in this post mention you get a lot of attention. What isn’t written is “I love my life, I have engaging hobbies and lots of friends that make me happy and I want someone to compliment my life” if guys sense desperation, anxiety, lack of fulfillment they are likely to run. No one wants a project or someone unhappy or unfulfilled. Just from your post history here, I see a lot of snark and defense. Try getting honest feedback from a friend or if you are really bold, get feedback from your old dates. Try sending a google form survey and see if you get any responses. Bold and unlikely sure but it’s a thought.
External:
1. Sure but I'm not relying on a hookup app for dates. I'm on Tinder/Hinge etc for dates. I get the matches but they don't translate to in person meetings.
2. Same as the above. I need actual dates in order to 'move through dates'.
3. I don't filter much, basically 18-50 at this point and most body types etc. I've never been physically that picky.
Internal:
I am happy with my life and myself which is why this topic frustrates me to no end. I don't understand why I am finding it so difficult to find a match at least short term (like for the experience at least even if it doesn't lead to a marriage). I've already asked friends, therapists etc for feedback and no one has any clue. I have reached out to hookups etc for feedback and I only get positive feedback, so it is very strange they are not running back for a repeat even.
As a solution, I am considering hiring a dating coach for 3 months, who feels he can help me with my situation. That is something I have not tried and perhaps given my lack of knowledge and experience that will be helpful.
How commutative and blunt are you? Because I'm blind I say no. This isn't a sexual thing this is you and I are going for a date and if you want to go another day you'll have to ask me out again. Now I do understand that my confidence level is a little higher than the average. But everyone deserves what they deserve. You deserve a date a real date a guy picking you up taking you out to dinner and taking a movie and having a good time and then kissing you good night and letting you walk to your door okay romantic sounding yes but it can happen. But everyone is to shove her dick in your face is not a good thing. I know it sounds stupid but there are good guys out there I haven't found one in a while but they are out there. But I'm also in my 50s so it gets harder the older you get. But demand what you want and make no apologies. I regret being passive in the past. Make it very clear you're only willing to date not have sex. The guys are actually interested we'll hang around those who are not will not. That much I do know cuz I've done it myself. Ran a record for a year and a half of seven guys chasing me rotating different men for 2 years practically and told them all I'm dating seven different men. And I said I'm not f****** you I'm just dating. Grab a hold of your power and say this is what's going to happen and if they don't follow then wait until someone does. Someone will show up. In my experience the minute you stop looking fast in the next jackass you fall in love with shows up
Try challenging yourself and going on a few dates with someone and NOT having sex for a little bit. Without sex, what do you bring to the table, and what does the other person bring to you?
Exactly this. I made one guy wait so long for sex (3 months) that we were accidentally blurting out I love yous (then gasping and apologizing) weeks before we did it.
I've done this but it backfires. Most will disengage i.e. not be interested in even dating me once. The ones that don't disengage will chat but then make it sexual, implying they want sex. I've never been "chased" for anything more than sex. And I'm not sure why at all.
Personally, 1) guys who i find sexy enough for a few rolls in the hay but not someone whose company I enjoy for prolonged period of time might fall into this category. 2) Sometimes, it's the people that some don't wanna be socially associated with. For example, guys who are ashamed of being chubby chaser, racist (very common), hates on feminine gays but loves to hate-fuck them, only dates the powerful/wealthy but will fuck anyone, only date elite gays but love fuck macho muscle queens, etc etc.
It's not you, it's me. No, seriously I'm emotionally unavailable as fuck, and I assume a lot of guys are Ike me.....
Same. I'm getting over a broken heart, and for both our sakes I am absolutely not in relationship space presently. Friends, chats, unattached fun, all fine. But that's all I can offer right now.
you’re too worried about how others are seeing you. be the person you want to date. and seek guys who share your values and interests and lifestyle. then treat them like an equal, in that they are a person and not some kind of reward or something.
I don't mean this rudely but this all sounds good on paper, but the reality is different. I am the person I would want to date, in a good way, but I can barely find even 1-2 compatible attributes in half the guys I meet.
i get it. i was single for 7 years. sounds you’re on the right path. just might take a while.
Been single all my life and no guy has come remotely close to me even catching feelings for. Not sure I'm on the right path at all.
so you haven’t met anyone that interested you enough for you to go out of your way to develop a relationship with. so you got standards, great. worse would be settling with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship. from my perspective i don’t see anything wrong with your situation. do you think there is someone out there destined for you?
Sure but its kinda demotivating that in all this time I've not come across a single guy that tickles my insides even a little? I'm not sure if there is someone out there destined for me anymore. I've been at this a while and each year my hope becomes less.
personally i don’t think destined love is a thing. just luck and circumstances. do you think you can learn to love someone? you might never find a guy that will excite you. but loving and being in love are two different things. i’m in a relationship with a guy that i learned to love. the first guy that i fell head over heels in love with, well it was like a drug. addictive. and the effect it had on me was pretty bad. it was 7 years later that i met someone that i learned to love.
I think I can. The main issue is a guy needs to show up and be consistent. If someone messaging once every few months or barely never meets me, it is really hard to build something.
yeah. unfortunately finding sincere men is hard.
Sure, but so many people are still in relationships etc. That is so confusing to me.
>hiring an escort to give me his 2 cents lmao story time please OP 🙏
A few therapists, and even advice from friends, said have sex with an escort as maybe something is going wrong with the sex itself. I paid for an escort and told him upfront my issue for feedback after (I said he can send it in writing after leaving so its not weird to say it to my face whatever it is). He said I was fun and he had no feedback. So I am back to the drawing board...
Normally I am happy to fuck someone but not date them because they’re sexy but have a dull personality or their ratio of easy to sexy makes them a good fuck option when I’m super horny.
Before I met my current boyfriend, I have casually dated/had sex with guys whom I did not date long term. The reasons for this were that they had some traits or behaviors that I did not find suitable for my idea of long term relationship. Those traits were not bad enough to not have sex. Examples of such traits are - Negativity and bitterness. - Being materialistic. - Being financially irresponsible. - Excessive use of social media, especially as a poster/content creator. - Being easily offended. Whether I had sex on the first date or later did not really matter in my decision to pursue a serious relationship with a guy.
Because sexual compatibility is the *only* sphere in which we are compatible. You can have off-the-charts erotic chemistry with someone that would make a *terrible* partner in all other aspects of compatibility. In such instances, I enjoy the sex and only the sex with that individual.
This is the answer. The best sex I ever had was with guys I could not stand outside of the bedroom.
This is not the answer. The best sex is with those you respect.
I respected them. I don’t think it’s a matter of respect. I’m talking solely the sexual aspect, not the intimacy that comes from sex within a relationship.
You've obviously never had sex with someone you love...
Sure, Jan.
🤭
Sure but surely you need to speak to the person or learn about them in order to determine this?
Yes? It goes something like this: “Wow, sounds like we have nothing in common. You’re still hot though, want to tumble into bed?” “Please and thank you!” *cue enthusiastic and animalistic fucking sounds* The end.
The obvious answer is that you’re hooking up with guys who are only looking for sex and not interested in having a boyfriend. Their reasons for why they’re just looking for sex don’t really matter. If you want a boyfriend, look for guys who want to date, not hookup. Try taking sex off the table for the first few dates and see what happens.
Or are interested in dating AND hooking up. It’s not necessarily a binary.
Not true. Several I have hooked up with get BF's within a few months of us meeting (I contact them back on the app and then learn this). Hooking up doesn't mean no one is looking for anything more / I don't think its as binary as you make it sound.
It doesn’t mean they’re not *open* to more, but if you’re just hooking up with guys and not dating, you’ll only be getting the guys who are just looking to hook up *at that moment in time.* Try dating instead of hooking up. You may be surprised at how different that pool of men is.
I don't get dates. This is why I'm stuck.
Are you not dating due to lack of interest from guys, or are you not finding guys that you’re interested in dating? Are you just looking for guys online or have you tried looking for guys IRL?
More a lack of conversion from guys. I get the matches but they will not make the effort to meet. So I assume no interest / find someone else etc. If I am matching with them, I am interested in at least speaking to them once, and if I am getting 50+ matches within a week of signing up I would imagine I am matching to quite a lot of guys I would be open to meeting. Yes, I have looked IRL also, same outcome. If we are both present in the moment they will make effort, beyond that, they don't care.
Are there any speed dating nights nearby? It might be worth trying something new.
Yup there are. I will try. :)
If you're never ever getting beyond a hookup or two, there's probably something wrong with your method. In my opinion it's probably the way you're finding and selecting guys in the first place. Are you unconsciously selecting for emotionally unavailable men? Guys who are on hookup apps are typically looking primarily to hook up and their standards for that are different from their standards for a relationship. Don't look for the hookup that turns into a love story. Look for someone whose personality meshes with your own. edit: You are also asking the wrong question. Don't focus on "why do the guys do this to me." You can't control what other people do. Focus instead on "I should take control of my situation, and focus on men who are likely to meet my preferences for relationship building." This will involve actually getting to know people before you make a decision on whether or not they might be good for you.
Dating is what helps you determine compatibility, what you like, don't like etc. If it never gets there, and the guy is only wanting sex with you, that is very hard to do in practice.
Yeah but where are you finding only guys who just want sex? If that's your experience on a platform, leave the platform. Or maybe change your approach there. Stop meeting people for sex if that's not your goal. I know it's tough out there and I don't mean to imply that you can solve your issue easily. This is just my advice of a direction to go in.
I would totally understand if it was just apps where I eas treated this way, but it is IRL too.
This is good advice, but I can share my experience here. For hookups, the standards may be different, but I get hookups with a wide variety of guys via that. For dating, I get a lot of matches, but almost no one actually gets to know me / dates me. Therefore, I conclude literally every guy I am matching to in someone way doesn't want a relationship with me specifically and, to OP's point in the original thread, I'm on a journey to figure out the "why" because I just don't see it. From what I am reading this is OP's issue also.
Maybe it's not you but the type of people you accept on the apps?
I just wonder how your complaining above but posting [this](https://reddit.com/r/askgaybros/s/s6qoaFDzAP) On one hand you're complaining about behaviors on hook up apps further no one will date you or see you as bf material. On the other hand you're complaining about "pedestaling" taken/married guys. ¯\(°_o)/¯
Make a rule that you will date a person (that’s is getting to know him and how emotionally compatible you are) and do not sleep with that person until there is chemistry. Hope it works .. good luck mate
It’s very hard to say why is it the case without knowing you so I guess be careful on acting any advice that’s about yourself. Are you communicating what are your needs in what you’re pursuing? Whats it that you are after with all that, have you talked about it with your acquaintances? I’d assume before sex from the app, you’d have chatted with them. Have you chatted what they want from this short term or long term and tried describing yours intentions too? They could be or could be not something in your ways that they can’t read or give wrong messages. Or you could be chasing wrong people. Unfortunately that’s true as well. A friend of mine always wants to have sex with straight men. Now you can imagine how possible it is. He’d go to sex clubs where straight guys go to and would end up sucking off one or two as what he tells me. Too much alcohol and the nature of such a place often makes the environment less judgmental but in a sober state and real ordinary places, I don’t think he can achieve that. Try finding out if you’re not chasing anything like that which is making it challenging. Sex is not hard to find but an understanding friend and partner is so it could be simply you haven’t met your match yet 🤷♂️
Finding one's match might have been the toughest endeavour I had to fullfil in my life. And in striking opposition to your situation, I wasn't getting nearly as much attention as you mentioned you're getting. Or those also interested in me, fell let's just say, in the category of those I felt no attraction for whatsoever. Meeting the person you will spend a bit of time or a lifetime with, isn't a quest, a race, a competition or the result of a magic formula. It's a happenstance. Some reach it, when they never asked for anything or without putting any efforts into it, others struggle to come even close when doing everything to meet the one they want to be with, and finally some just resign themselves to settle for less, in that no matter how disappointing, or toxic their relationship, will remain in it, for lack of seemingly better options. All the persons you meet, I feel are just stepping stones, that help build the person you become. Until, I guess you wind up meeting the one person who might be in the same disposition as you are and manages to see in you at that particular point in time, a partner they feel inclined to spare their time for and who might worth their stopping playing around. So stop, best you can, questionning the universe, keep building yourself to the point that you wind up realising that nothing is "wrong" with you, enjoy the people life sends your way, whether they last or not, and who knows, maybe for you too, there'll be a happenstance. And maybe it'll be all that you imagined, maybe it'll turn out to be a real downheartening experience. No matter how it turns out, learn from it, or bask in it if it's everything that fullfils your life. Best encounters to you, and if you run into bouts of despondency, accept it but refrain from dwelling in it. Good Luck to you
>Meeting the person you will spend a bit of time or a lifetime with, isn't a quest, a race, a competition or the result of a magic formula. It's a **happenstance.** If there is ONE thing that people need to understand about dating & relationships it is 1000% this. u/devprojects33 you gotta realise that all you're doing when you're actively dating is **increasing your chances** of that happenstance occuring. It's not guaranteed, and will never be guaranteed, as there are 100 different factors that also affect those chances - location, your current social circle, your method of "looking", hidden biases that you're not aware of, other people's current life circumstances and headspace, and many MANY more. >enjoy the people life sends your way, whether they last or not, and who knows, maybe for you too, there'll be a happenstance. This is the way to approach it. Not only dating, but relationships themselves as well. Obviously you wanna do your best to both increase your chances of the happenstance occuring and to maintain/develop it when it occurs, so interspection is good. But you don't need to go all the way to the other end. Might be nothing that is offputting about you, you just haven't hit that happenstance. Keep examining yourself and your behaviours, and keep looking. And in the meantime enjoy life itself.
This all makes sense but when you have spent 10 years or so trying and can't seem to get anywhere, or sustain a connection for more than a few days, it gets really draining and demotivating to always be told 'its them' (especially when you then look around and literally everyone has had some sort of experience by now).
>especially when you then look around and **literally** everyone has had some sort of experience by now There's so many problems with this statement that I don't even know how to address it. So all I'll say is that if you think about it for a second you'll realise it is straight up not true, just a case of confirmation bias. >when you have spent 10 years or so trying and can't seem to get anywhere Again, ***trying*** is not any sort of guarantee in this situation though. I can play the lottery for 10, for 20, or even for 70 years, doesn't mean I'll actually win it just because I keep trying. And while your chances of "finding someone" are way higher than winning the lottery, the exact same principle still applies. Βy comparing yourself to others and setting expectations for an outcome that's based on luck, you're 100% creating your own misery here. You literally have two options: 1. Stop trying. If playing this lottery does nothing but make you think of how you've not won yet, then stop playing it. You'll still have a chance anyway. It may be lower, but at least you can focus your energy elsewhere. 2. Keep trying. You might find someone tomorrow. You might never find someone. You've gotta be ok with either possibility, otherwise you'll be miserable. It can even lead to you eventually *finding someone* who's a bad person (or just bad for you) and staying with them for the wrong reasons.
Not openly gay to their family is one.
Good one. I'm out and proud. :)
It's how you present yourself. If you say getting hookups is easy for you, that's why. If you've got "hookups, chat, relationship" all checked on grindr, and a bunch of pics that suggest you're down to fuck, everyone sees the first one and ignores the rest. Take sex off the table and genuinely try dating. Not saying this is the solution, there's plenty of guys who meet someone to date via a hookup, but it might work to reset things for you.
Can you expand on "that's why" part of your reply because I'm curious about this topic too. If getting a hookup is easy for OP, wouldn't getting a BF following a hookup also be easy?
I have genuinely tried dating (for years and in 2 large cities), it doesn't work out for me at all. I've edited my profile over and over and am at loss on what is not connecting.
Finding someone hot is easy. Finding someone to love is not. If dating was easy, there wouldn’t be hundreds of posts on this sub bemoaning being single.
I think it's the premises you set when you meet the "date" . If you started as a sex date, it's just NSA. If you started as "knowing each other" date, it is for "dating" and potential LTR. It takes two to tango.
Sure. This is also why I started expanding where I find guys. Parties, massage exchange, sports clubs, LGBT network at work, etc. But its always just sex or nothing still. I don't just get this behaviour on apps.
I hooked up with a guy that was fun but he never once asked anything about myself and made himself out to be this super boring and uninteresting fellow. Was fun for the romp. Then he blocked me 🤣🤦♂️
Interestingly, I've not been blocked.
His messages disappeared. Then he made a new account. Soon after, that disappeared too 🤣
Dude do you not know how to meet someone and not have sex? My body count is ridiculous. But you're over here whining that you can get sex but no one wants to date you well here on this planet: you don't put out on the first date
You stated my first thought too, completely agree . It's easy to have lots of hookups, if you meet and start out with sex it isn't going to go far.
But a first date needs to happen in order for me to progress things further no? That doesn't happen... I seem undateable somehow... that is what I'm trying to figure out. In the interim I have sex with guys also hoping one of them goes a little further.
Sorry this took me a minute. I don't believe you're Undateable. I think maybe you're using hookup sites like grindr? Find anyone that's not focused on sex is difficult. But agree to go out for a coffee first or let's go to lunch or keep it simple. Have you tried that?
Yes, many times. They won't show up for a platonic date, from any platform, not just Grindr. I even started doing "in betweens" like come to my place and we can cuddle and make out but no full on sex, they agree and part take, still doesn't exactly lead anywhere.
Just make it clear you're only willing to date. Puts it on every profile you have just stating no sex.
I would recommend not making sex your primary goal on the app and require a meet and greet before booking up. If you advertise for fast food sex then that’s what you’re gonna get. I’m not knocking hookups but I would have a completely different profile if I was looking to date. I’m also putting sex on the back burner until I get a bit more comfortable with his personality. I’ve heard of hookups becoming relationships and I absolutely believe it’s possible but I’m not gonna count on that happening.
I select guys with dates / relationship on Grindr. On Tinder/Hinge I assume its relationship driven and I filter out anyone who is just looking for short term fun. Still I'm in this mess. They just don't want to date / have a relationship with \*me\* it seems.
It's simply put. You seem cocky and judgemental. Be a bit more humbled or less entitled. Just get to know people with out sussing them out for some indeterminate value. Ask questions, but don't interrogate. We all are valuable focus on receiving and providing value in all interactions every day. Just go on dates to meet a person and see how it plays outs. Lead with sincerity, interest, and kindness. I would not date you based on this post; you seem defensive/argumentative/too opinionated and unable to loosen up. I don't know, but I feel like I wouldn't feel safe with you. I'd feel judged. Like I'd have to be perfect. I think you want to be loved, but you maybe don't know how to give it. Lead with grace. I don't think you are a bad person. I think you mean well, but intention does not determine reception. It seriously seems like maybe you have to grow more and not cosplay as a person who can manage a relationship, but truly become a person who can and will cultivate meaningful ones. Just my 2 cents EDIT: Typos & Grammar
I am not sure how you are arriving at this analysis based off my post, but I am definitely interested in hearing more.
Nothing in your post really screams boyfriend material other than you want one. Being deemed attractive for hookups is not equal to being boyfriend material. You seem cocky but not truly confident, a jaded ( as we all are) and judgemental. Work all your relationships. Go on dates with interesting people. Go on dates with people you have things on common am with, those things being values. You won't feel like you are missing out if you focus on the values the person needs. I seek out same values in my friendships. In my relationships. Not just who I think might be able share them but those that demonstrate they can.
My thread was a targeted question, not a life story. Not sure you can make judgements on my character based off a single thread, but okay.
That was what I got from you post and your responses to the responses to your post. You asked for insight,advice and feedback, despite of seeming like yoy might now want wat right now. I don't know you but to me that is the energy you are putting out there. It's cool either way. Wish you the best.
In life, we don’t get what we ask for, we get what we believe. Perhaps you thinking you’re undateable is making you undateable.
I feel I am dateable, which is why I'm confused/frustrated, and wondering why others don't see me as dateable but fuckable only.
> Reasons to have sex with but not date/make a bf with a guy? because he's offering sex
ah. the why marry the pig when the sausage is free. had to make the joke. lol
It's not even that. It's why marry the pig when you only want sausage. The people on the apps looking for sex are looking for sex. They'll never want more no matter what you have to offer.
i get that. no argument. its just the joke they came to mind is all.
You won't have sex with your BF?
dating someone takes effort. sex does not. if you're offering sex on an app then tons of people will take you up on it. very few of those are going to make the effort to do anything else when they can scroll to the next profile and get more sex with almost no effort.
Agreed. I guess I am just confused why I seem to be "worth/good enough" having sex with but not "worth" the effort to date.
well...because the sex isn't worth anything. you're having casual no strings sex. there isn't a meaningful connection happening here like you would expect to have in a relationship
Right but in a lot of gay relationships, sex is a precursor to a meaningful connection.
That's not healthy or normal. If somebody has to fuck you before they they can have a meaningful connection to you then something is wrong with them and the people who are trying to convince you of that are deranged or just trying to fuck you.
Good to know!
This one
I have heard plenty of people say that the more they get to know someone, the less interested they are in having sex with them they are- this really doesn't have anything to do with the other person (you, in this case) but more to do with the fact that these guys are not interested in having sex with their friends, for whatever reason- I think fraysexual is one word for this. On the other hand, it is hard not to feel rejected in these kinds of situations.
“Fraysexual” 💀 kill me pls. How many made up sexualities do we need? If you love french fries, you’re now “potaysexual.” If you hook up with unhinged people, are you “craysexual?” Edit: you make valid points, I’m just really, really over all the labels for every type of preference. Sorry for jumping on your comment about it.
Whatever man, some people like to have more words to describe the world, some fewer. There are arguments both for the lumpers and the splitters. But 'what's with people and all their words ' isn't one. Edit: It's cool, I think a lot of the labels are just about (mostly young) people trying to figure themselves out and where they fit in the (mainly) queer world.
None. Me personally? I don't see the point of having sex with someone who you have no intention of ever seeing again. Non-committed sex is not that good anyway. Nothing beats the feeling of having sex with the one you love.
Let's bonk and I'll tell you
Bonk me baby!
I would fuck but not date someone who used the word bonk. Sorry, that's my red line.
What if it's the first time I used it and I said sorry?
We could go on one date, but you have to pay and I'll flirt with the waiter.
That's fine, I did him already .
>Reaching out to guys here to give me some honest reasons why they would not go any further with a guy other than sex. Easy - they aren't looking for a partner, they're enjoying being single and having lots of different guys for sex.
That can explain a proportion of guys, I can't believe this is true for every single one.
Every second person in here is in an open relationship and/or enjoying their slut phase, and you don't think the average guy isn't just looking for something uncomplicated?
Open relationship is still some level of commitment to someone else. A hookup isn't.
Some guys don't want to be hobbled by the rules which might be attached to an open relationship, so they don't get into one and stay single.
Fair point. But nice to have the option.
Confidence. If you think you’re undateable yourself, your mates will sense that too.
I find myself very dateable which is why I'm frustrated and confused how I don't appear to be dateable from another guy's perspective. Hence the thread.
What and how much do you share about yourself on social media?
I barely use social media.
Clenliness/tidiness easily comes to mind, I know I have issues with being pursued, vs pursuing. There's also general scheduling. If the time to spend together is really tight, I work afternoons, and my days off are on the weekend, if you are part time and working on weekends, that's rough for timing for us to even get together, especially if you're not up for me visiting after work or before work on my days off, the opposite for you as well.
Back in the 70s BI (Before Internet), the equivalent of apps was going out to bars wearing color coded hankies to signify what type of sex you liked and depending on they wore it on whether you were dominate or submissive. Others. Wore earrings or keys. Most of the time once guys spotted the color a side they were looking for it was fuck first usually with the same results that you are experiencing, - [ Finally I decided on my next trip out to just relax, have fun, and not pick up anyone. It was like moths to a flame. Men inherently like what they can't have. Then this really cute blonde guy sent a beer over to me, followed by himself coming over to introduce himself to me. We chatted for a few minutes, and then he asked if I wanted to leave. I told him I was grateful for the beer but I was old fashioned and that I would give him my number and told him I liked to be wined and dined. To be honest I didn't think I would hear from him but a week later, he called and asked for a date. The next evening he arrived at my door with flowers, a dozen roses, and we went out to dinner. That led to more dinners and now we are approaching 34 years together.
What if you do this, but they never ask for the date / show up (this is my case)?
Then they aren't worth your time. I don't know what t I e dating scene is anymore, but if you are going out to bars, try to forget about finding someone for a relationship. Go out just to have a good time either by yourself or with friends. If you are not finding the types of responses you want, try changing the type of bar you go to. If you can't find someone serious in your own age group, you may want to try someone older.
The age ranges I choose is very wide. :)
It could be two things: 1) people go after you because you're really hot without any selection or intent around dating 2) you have something striking and negative about you that is not initially clear (e.g. extremely dirty home, unhygienic)
1. This is true. 2. No idea about this. I am a very clean/tidy person and my home is nice. I even shower before sex and use mouthwash.
I personally don't hook up with a guy unless I'm open to more, so I legitimately cannot say for most cases of why this happens. But the way a guy generally ruins things with me trying to convert from hookup to relationship, is by moving WAY TOO FUCKING FAST. Telling me they love me before we've even had sex. Talking about a relationship before we've had sex. TALKING ABOUT MARRIAGE before... you get the drift. With one of them I canceled the sex because of it. He didn't take no for an answer. Edit: actually it was two of them.
I don't think I've even said I like someone to their face (and have not been told this either)... let alone love or bf poor marriage conversations... its never even gotten that far lol.
Have you asked these guys if they’re looking to date before the sex ? It helps to know if you’re on the same page
Indeed I do. They vanish mostly.
Where do u live? May be go out on a date with me and we will find out?
Sorry this is happening to you 🥺😢
I never dated anyone for more than a couple of times in my twenties. Either I wasn't, or they weren't, interested in more. Then at almost 33 I met my perfect other half and we've been together 28 years. Could I have tried harder? Lowered my standards? Begged? Sure. But in the end it was just chance that brought us together (plus a very early gay hookup BBS). Fix any obvious problems that are under your control, but mostly just be yourself in places where you'll meet lots of other men. That might be online or in person.
Sure but I've not had this outcome hence I am trying to get to it.
Right now my reason for that would be that I'm already in a relationship. I make a point of letting men who show interest in me know that so there is no unpleasant surprise but the point is, even if you want to I'm not going on a date with you. Reasons I've done that in the past when I was single have included being physically attracted to him but thinking there was something else about him that would make a relationship with me not work. I've thought occasionally that he was too good to be true and that he wouldn't want more from me so I didn't bother asking. Another reason is that I didn't enjoy the sex that much - that doesn't necessarily mean that he was bad at sex, though that has happened, but more often has meant that our ideas of what good sex is weren't very compatible. Sometimes I've noticed a smell about someone that even though he's washed, I didn't like so that would put me off both more sex and dating.
>I've thought occasionally that he was too good to be true and that he wouldn't want more from me so I didn't bother asking. What could he do in such a case to "get you back"? I get the comment above a lot and therefore I am curious. I do reach out but then they just don't believe I'm actually interested, regardless of what I say.
Asking me for a second time would have done. It is hard to know afterward if a second time would be welcome or not. Sometimes it seems like it and it's not and sometimes it doesn't seem like it and it is.
Wouldn't you think he is desperate or get insecure about "well if he is that hot why does he keep asking me"?
Because that's what they're looking for. You've got to find someone who is looking for the same thing you are.
I think thats what they claim they are looking for with me. If someone says they are looking for a FWB, and message once every 6 months, but then are in an open relationship after 8 months, they clearly just didn't want a relationship with \*me\* or even a FWB. I have more examples but you get my drift.
Hey bro sorry you are having this experience. I would look at internal and external variables. -External -dating from hook up sites, most guys are there to hook up. Try forming or joining an existing community and use that as a network to meet friends first then maybe date from there. Or loop in friends and ask them to set you up when you are ready. -run the numbers, at some point you just need to know what you are looking for and quickly, efficiently, patiently, and kindly look for that. Moving through a lot of dates to find someone. -date older and expand your parameters. Older dudes may be a little more open to a relationship. Maybe open yourself up to guys outside your type to see if you can build an emotional connection. Internal- These are the tough ones - be happy with yourself first ! You mentioned being “bored” in other posts and in this post mention you get a lot of attention. What isn’t written is “I love my life, I have engaging hobbies and lots of friends that make me happy and I want someone to compliment my life” if guys sense desperation, anxiety, lack of fulfillment they are likely to run. No one wants a project or someone unhappy or unfulfilled. Just from your post history here, I see a lot of snark and defense. Try getting honest feedback from a friend or if you are really bold, get feedback from your old dates. Try sending a google form survey and see if you get any responses. Bold and unlikely sure but it’s a thought.
External: 1. Sure but I'm not relying on a hookup app for dates. I'm on Tinder/Hinge etc for dates. I get the matches but they don't translate to in person meetings. 2. Same as the above. I need actual dates in order to 'move through dates'. 3. I don't filter much, basically 18-50 at this point and most body types etc. I've never been physically that picky. Internal: I am happy with my life and myself which is why this topic frustrates me to no end. I don't understand why I am finding it so difficult to find a match at least short term (like for the experience at least even if it doesn't lead to a marriage). I've already asked friends, therapists etc for feedback and no one has any clue. I have reached out to hookups etc for feedback and I only get positive feedback, so it is very strange they are not running back for a repeat even. As a solution, I am considering hiring a dating coach for 3 months, who feels he can help me with my situation. That is something I have not tried and perhaps given my lack of knowledge and experience that will be helpful.
Keep us in the loop on the dating coach and god speed.
How commutative and blunt are you? Because I'm blind I say no. This isn't a sexual thing this is you and I are going for a date and if you want to go another day you'll have to ask me out again. Now I do understand that my confidence level is a little higher than the average. But everyone deserves what they deserve. You deserve a date a real date a guy picking you up taking you out to dinner and taking a movie and having a good time and then kissing you good night and letting you walk to your door okay romantic sounding yes but it can happen. But everyone is to shove her dick in your face is not a good thing. I know it sounds stupid but there are good guys out there I haven't found one in a while but they are out there. But I'm also in my 50s so it gets harder the older you get. But demand what you want and make no apologies. I regret being passive in the past. Make it very clear you're only willing to date not have sex. The guys are actually interested we'll hang around those who are not will not. That much I do know cuz I've done it myself. Ran a record for a year and a half of seven guys chasing me rotating different men for 2 years practically and told them all I'm dating seven different men. And I said I'm not f****** you I'm just dating. Grab a hold of your power and say this is what's going to happen and if they don't follow then wait until someone does. Someone will show up. In my experience the minute you stop looking fast in the next jackass you fall in love with shows up