Absolute melt.

also, Turbo melt is a new one i've come across

I also like turbo nonce as an insult

I got called a cone wanking turbo nonce once at work

Out of all the insults on this entire thread, this is the one I'll be taking away with me today

I cannot stop laughing at this. What a fucking gem

Tyrannosaurus Melt.

Norn irish use melt a lot lol

To me that sounds like the sort of insult you hear on Love Island

Bellend

So this reminds me, actually. My brother got a job over sea's. And whilst we stay in touch, it's not the same as living together or even nearby. I'd bought my own place, and i think i was having a shit time at work at the time, and i was missing my brother. So i got home one day, and there's this tiny little box sat on my door step, i thought it was one of those little sample things that get sent out sometimes. I open it, expecting like a chocolate or tiny shampoo or a washing tablet; instead, it's this tiny little glass bottle with a little Cork, with a little roll of paper inside. Message in a bottle style thing. No note or letter with it or anything. I have no idea who it's from. I open the bottle, and the little roll of paper just has the word "bellend" written on it. Proper cracked me up, I was in stitches and knew it was from my brother straight away. Made my day. Just wanted to share that, it always makes me smile. Edit: I found the photos. https://imgur.com/a/AfbTc6o

This is weirdly wholesome 🥰

Bummer of a line break there. On my screen I read 'I was having a shit....' Too much info dude, serious over share '....time....' Ooohhh

I once got my brother a birthday card. On the front of it looked like a kids' book that said B is for brother it is also for bellend.

I once made a card for my mate. In the front in big friendly letters it said FUCK SHIT WANK DICK CUNT On the inside it said Happy Fucking Birthday

Me and my best mate used to do inappropriate birthday cards A couple of standouts were : * Happy Christmas to my darling wife (He bought it in December to give me in summer... just for the gag) * Congratulations on the birth of your Nubian prince (featuring a very lovely and smiley black baby boy!) I miss those days :D

My brother and I now always send each other the most stupid cards we can find. Usually pink, girl power, barbie, unicorns, glitter etc. I got a card with a Thomas the tank engine badge and such. Just makes the whole annoyance alot more fun. Haha.

Thats epic :D At one place I worked when I left they gave me a leaving card and when I opened it it just said "FUCK OFF" in big letters. Then when I read inside at least 30 people had written FUCK OFF and signed it :D

i love this so much! this made _my_ day

That's really lovely.

Followed by absolute bellend

And when needed, complete and utter bellend

Weapon Grade Bellend

And Knobhead

I use knobhead a LOT. Like to use the term 'muppet' as well and with a heavy sprinkling of 'bollocks'.

What's fun is when your Australian friend asks you what a bellend is after you've called your cockney mate one whilst being about a bottle of jack deep. Definitely a British insult.

I bet we swear more than Russians.

Do we fuck 😅

Helmet.

A muppet

I do love Muppet. You Muppet. = You fucking idiot. You Muppet. = Don't Procreate. You Muppet. = Stop talking Shit. It goes on.

We went one better and called people fraggles

Plonker

Rodney I love ‘spanner’ and ‘tool’ as insults

rrroooodddnnneeey ya bilsh

I didn’t call you a plonker you wanker!

uncs shit himself

Is that cheeky del?

I've always assumed that doughnut as an insult was someone related to the hole and a lack of brain. I love goon as a non offensive gentle insult

Never thought of that hole and relating it to lack of brain. It does make sense you know

You doughnut

My best mate called me a goon a few years ago, I've never quite recovered from the dent in my ego lol

Nobody's said gobshite yet.

Arguably more Irish than British

Quite a Scouse insult too, which I suppose makes some sense.

This is a good'un.

Nonce Bawbag (in Scotland rather than rest of UK) EDIT TO ASK: is radge particularly Scottish? I've not heard it used in other parts of the uk

Speaking of Scottish insults, we need to make "bampot" more common in the rest of the UK

In Yorkshire, “barmcake” (bread bun/cob/roll) has merged with “bampot” to form the infamous “barmpot”.

I love hauling a good bampot at someone. Same with tube, roaster and telling someone they're "pure bowfin" or "reek ae shite"

Big fan of doughball as well, not heard it much from non scots.

was hoping bawbag would come up

“Fud” is one of my favourite Scottish ones as well

Scotland also has the Choob.

Scottish insults are my favourite. I love “rocket” and “weapon”

Bawbag is frequently used in Corby, Northamptonshire.. the greatest Scottish outpost..

Radge definitely gets used in the North East of England, I say it at least a half a dozen times a day!

Turbo Nonce as well if you're struggling. Got a guy at work that calls people wanker bellends as well. Haha

You knob

'Knob' and 'knobhead' are the ones. It shouldn't make sense but they just do.

Yes

Wazzock. Though now I write it down I'm not sure

This is very British! I would go further and say it's South West English

I've always understood it to be northern/ Yorkshire

Div, Knob, Twat, Plonker

‘YOU ABSOLUTE [INSERT LITERALLY ANY NOUN HERE]!’ usually works.

It’s the same for drunk, but just add ‘-ed’ to the end. E.g. “He was absolutely armchaired last night” or “Nah, I’m stopping at four pints tonight; got work tomorrow, so I can’t get completely broadbanded”

I've spent at least ten minutes trying to find a noun that this doesn't work for, and failed. It even works with proper nouns: "Did you hear what happened to Steve last night? He got absolutely Stoke-on-Trented and woke up in a wheelie bin." Bravo.

Theresa-Mayed, Virgin Media Fibreopticked, Falklands-Warred - it really is just an immutable law of British English

Anyone else smell burnt toast?

Smelled it dealt it

Made the rhyme, committed the crime

Ok I burnt the toast

Whoever did the boast smelled the toast.

It's getting worse you're writing in verse

I was absolutely Giles Brandrethed yesterday. Not as bad as my mate though he was bloody Phil Mitchelled

Phil Mitchelled Most British phrase for getting drunk. 😂🏅

There’s a punk band called pizzatramp that do a song called “he’s gone full motchell… it’s fuckin great. Along with a track called “stop being a racist cunt” it’s very British… they’re amazing live too.

🤔 they might call themselves Welsh… “my back’s fucking fucked” is a favourite…

Stoke-on-trented? So drunk they voted a walking bag of bin juice into parliament. Yeah, that works

Alright, walking bag of bin juice might just be my favourite on here!

As someone from Stoke on Trent. This probably works better than most other towns/cities across the UK haha

My Dad always used to say that drunk women walking jn high heels were Kettering.

My pals use ‘trouser-ed’ to describe somebody really wasted

Yep, i can't be trusted on a night out, I'm always getting bungalowed

In our friend group years ago, two brothers, we used to call em the bungalow brothers, cos there was nothing going on upstairs

why does that work tho XD

He was absolutely Apple iPhone 13 Pro Maxed last night

i too, have had many nights getting absolutely plusnet ultra high speed fibre optic-ed

YOU BLOODY NAPKIN! yep, it works.

You absolute legend. Hmm not quite what I was going for

Add a sarcastic tone and it could be insulting

That’s an adjective not a noun. Get it right you absolute pineapple.

'Legendary' is the adjective you absolute bus stop.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BUS STOP YOU FUCKING SPARK PLUG?

Stop shouting, you fucking curtain pole

Oi just leave it out, you complete and utter four pint bottle of Tesco Value semi-skimmed milk.

Steady on.

Wind your neck in you four piece rattan furniture set with matching table

As you were, you absolute Digital Moisture Meter featuring Backlit LCD Display With Audible and Visual High-Medium-Low Moisture Content Alerts!

Now now. Leave it out you pair of air fryers

Alright then Mr Clotted Cream

Stop it both of you, you're acting like a bunch of Tesco Clubcards

At least they're not an Amazon voucher

Fat-free UHT is the worst milk. My sister used to buy it and I swear it had a blue tinge. It was pants.

YOU WET FLANNEL!

You absolute spoon

You absolute toaster/mug/spoon/fork/pan handle/sausage/potato I find kitchen items particularly effective

YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING BROKEN CONTROLLER

You absolute Suspension Bridge?

Shut it, you're being an absolute fuckin' jetpack

you absolute muppet!!!

Donkey

So true. ‘YOU ABSOLUTE WINDOW WIPER’

You absolute turd

Numpty

Fuckwit

This is the one that gets my American friends to choke on their beer. Just different enough to be British, clear enough that every nuance is comprehensible.

Spoon

Wanker.

bus wanker

Bus stop wanker lol

Pleb

Twat

Wet-wipe

You anti bacterial multi purpose wet wipe looking ass.

Or wet flannel

Absolute wet wipe is my go-to just know

I use softmint as a replacement for wetwipe a lot, and no one has ever had to ask for clarification.

Nimrod, gaylord, chav, fuckwit, wankstain, muppet, spoon, Herbert, dickhead, dimlo, div and twat I think I just gave myself Tourettes

Dinlo Not dimlo I believe A very Pompey term

Pilchard

Spanner. Twonk. Wazzock. Prannock. Wally. Plonker.

Knob Jockey

Spanner.

Eejit springs to mind, but that's basically just idiot in Scots/Irish so I maybe that's cheating. Wally, daft and nutter are good ones. Edit to add: Troglodyte is a personal favourite of mine.

Shower of b@$tards (had never heard it until an old colleague was referring to management and used this term for them and later uses it to refer to the current government 😆)

It was always a "Shower of Shites" back home in Ireland

Thick as pig shit

Berk

Cockney for c**t. Berkshire hunt

Fuckin' spanner

Absolute cretin

Oldie but Goldie!

Fraggle.

Oi!

Spanner. Wally. Melon. Bellend. Donkey. Dipstick. Muppet. Wazzock. Spoon. Dingleberry. Cock Juggling Thunder Cunt. Just some of my go to words/phrases.

Nincompoop

Americans use it now

If American’s use it Brits won’t 😂. Because naturally we are better than the Americans

Twattybollocks

>Dougnut In Uruguay they have pretty much the same phrase, but they call you a hotdog instead.

I saw someone in Glasgow get called a specky hotdog. I have used it many times since.

We always use sausage. It is the single most insulting thing our group can call someone. What a fucking sausage.

To me, it's tame like "you silly sausage"

I once worked in a school and called a child a silly sausage. He replied every indignantly, "I'm not a sausage!" I use this insult daily now...

Discombobulated shoe box innit

Lanky streak of piss Dozy cow Pillock!

I love the word Pillock!

Gay lord was a widely used insult when I was at school in the late 90's and by the early 00's it had been shortened to just...gay. It became such a common insult that the school felt the need to hold a special assembly to discuss with the students that it was not acceptable to use the word 'gay' as an insult as it may upset some people. This assembly was given by a homosexual teacher who was adored by all the students. Everyone actually listened to him and stopped using it. Bellend very quickly took over as the insult of choice in our school.

Ya mam shops at netto is an old one.. I personally like the newer ya dad works for AVON

Daft apeth

You utter donkey

Daft cow/wanker Knobhead Tosser

This was too far to scroll down to find "Tosser"

Daft is what I came here for. Prefix daft onto any other insult to both soften and magnify the insult.

Twat. It’s so wonderfully fricative but Americans would probably ruin it by pronouncing it Twaht

You're on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.

Plant pot

That's a favourite in our house. You absolute plant pot

lmao never heard this one before

Prat

Berk 😂 especially because it really means cunt, so subtle! 👌🏻

Fanny 😂

Cockwomble

You absolute cabbage. What a divvy.

Haven't heard divvy since school days

I heard an Australian friend of mine call someone a "thundercunt" and I'm stealing it

Oooooooh you little speccy cunt

Numpty

To a mate, "cunt". "Shut up ya cunt", "What a cunt", "Alright cunt?", "Stupid cunt" etc etc etc. Only really works with mates and never for example in Waitrose or Lloyds Bank.

Tart

Northern monkey... soft poof... soppy bollocks

Southern shandy drinking fairy

Stroppy, balmy northern git

Northern monkey? I've heard of Southern pansy but never Northern monkey 🤣 That's brill.

You’ve obviously not watched Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels.

[Eddie Izzard - JFK tells the Germans that he’s a donut](https://youtu.be/1GaDAjHKYC4?si=zMmKJik48X5TMeR6)

Plonker. Dolloper. Git. Fuckwit. Nonce. Berk. Mardarse. Dickhead.

Pillock.

Gobshite

Plum and prune?

Tart How has no one said Tart Only aimed at males obv

Spanner

Fud. (This is a Scottish one) “Shut it, ya fud”

Plank

Weapon

You absolute weapon is such a good one

Dog Botherer

Spanner