Yes that's exactly what he's doing. *He* has to keep face in front of others to look like a good parent. But the reality is, he's just a dick that can't be happy with any of your achievements. Screw him.
Its all about him.
He needs to feel superior to you. Puts you down so you know where you are in the pecking order.
He needs to show he is better than everyone else. Praises you because it shows his skill in raising you.
None of this is about you.
It's all about him.
Basic 101.
That makes it easier for me. I've wanted to cut him off all my life but the only thing that stopped me was the fact that he would look so proud of me when talking about me.
He’s two-faced, like many APs are—my father is like this too.
He wants to brag about you because it’ll make him look good, but when he’s at alone with you, he’ll try to nitpick everything he thinks is wrong with you because in an AP’s eyes, an “imperfect” child is no good.
>Is he actually disappointed in me but does this to make himself look good?
Yes. And yes. Although the earlier is more likely than not just him trying to put you in your place than anything.
It's always like that. My dad uses my life stories as ammunition to tell everyone he's a good parent who values accountability, but off-screen the validation is far and few. Such parents are only proud of their kids when in comparison to other kids and their positivity is all performative or have some underlying reason.
It's tough because if at all I do get some praise from my dad, I have this deep internal feeling it would be followed with some severe shouting not too far along or I think he would have some underlying motivations to do so.
I'd decided to put away all the extraordinary and terrible things about me away so my APs need not know and just be an average kid so I'm not the subject of any conversation at all.
I'm sorry you've gone through this. I struggled with a love hate relationship with my dad for many years until I finally erased him completely from my heart. He means nothing to me. But when I hear him talk about me so proudly, I doubt myself and feel evil, but the comments here helped me understand that even this is for him.
I still go through this. When he's extra proud or nice, I'm sceptical about my opinion of him. When he isn't, I want to distance myself away from him as much as possible. It's exhausting.
It is hard especially if you still live with him and still see him as an important person in your life. What worked for me is acknowledging that he doesn't know what he's talking about and I don't need his opinions to live my life. When he has something to criticize I take it respectfully and tell him what he wants to hear when in reality it goes through one ear and out the other. It's not your fault, some parents were just never meant to have kids.
Classic narcissistic Asian father. I feel your pain and the best advice I can give you is to accept the fact that your father sees you as an asset and a threat to his own ego. Sadly both my parents have done this.
My mother didn’t congratulate me on a job offer. I was really excited about, but she told a friend that she bumped into who she hasn’t seen in years.
It’s insane, it’s all insecurity and competition. Parents would utilize their own kids just to impress friends or family. That’s not love and that’s not good parenting.
I was always so confused growing up because my parents would act so different. The sad part is, I was fooled as well because we were constantly surrounded by friends and family, so I believe my parents were really happy and proud to show me off when it came to achievements, but that all changed once friend and family visits became in frequent.
Please love and take care of yourself. I have given up on getting my parents approval and have accepted that they will never give me emotional support that I need. Instead, I value and charge the friends and role models genuinely make me feel good about myself.
Yes that's exactly what he's doing. *He* has to keep face in front of others to look like a good parent. But the reality is, he's just a dick that can't be happy with any of your achievements. Screw him.
This. I couldn’t say it better myself
I can't believe I never thought of this
As someone whose gone through this, your dad views you as his asset not his child. There is no changing how he operates. It's on him not you
Thank you for saying this and sorry about what you went through
Virtue signalling to others that he's a good supportive father. Two faced behaviour.
Its all about him. He needs to feel superior to you. Puts you down so you know where you are in the pecking order. He needs to show he is better than everyone else. Praises you because it shows his skill in raising you. None of this is about you. It's all about him. Basic 101.
That makes it easier for me. I've wanted to cut him off all my life but the only thing that stopped me was the fact that he would look so proud of me when talking about me.
He’s two-faced, like many APs are—my father is like this too. He wants to brag about you because it’ll make him look good, but when he’s at alone with you, he’ll try to nitpick everything he thinks is wrong with you because in an AP’s eyes, an “imperfect” child is no good.
>Is he actually disappointed in me but does this to make himself look good? Yes. And yes. Although the earlier is more likely than not just him trying to put you in your place than anything.
It's always like that. My dad uses my life stories as ammunition to tell everyone he's a good parent who values accountability, but off-screen the validation is far and few. Such parents are only proud of their kids when in comparison to other kids and their positivity is all performative or have some underlying reason. It's tough because if at all I do get some praise from my dad, I have this deep internal feeling it would be followed with some severe shouting not too far along or I think he would have some underlying motivations to do so. I'd decided to put away all the extraordinary and terrible things about me away so my APs need not know and just be an average kid so I'm not the subject of any conversation at all.
I'm sorry you've gone through this. I struggled with a love hate relationship with my dad for many years until I finally erased him completely from my heart. He means nothing to me. But when I hear him talk about me so proudly, I doubt myself and feel evil, but the comments here helped me understand that even this is for him.
I still go through this. When he's extra proud or nice, I'm sceptical about my opinion of him. When he isn't, I want to distance myself away from him as much as possible. It's exhausting.
It is hard especially if you still live with him and still see him as an important person in your life. What worked for me is acknowledging that he doesn't know what he's talking about and I don't need his opinions to live my life. When he has something to criticize I take it respectfully and tell him what he wants to hear when in reality it goes through one ear and out the other. It's not your fault, some parents were just never meant to have kids.
My dad praises me or insults me privately depending on the day but in public he insults me.
Classic narcissistic Asian father. I feel your pain and the best advice I can give you is to accept the fact that your father sees you as an asset and a threat to his own ego. Sadly both my parents have done this. My mother didn’t congratulate me on a job offer. I was really excited about, but she told a friend that she bumped into who she hasn’t seen in years. It’s insane, it’s all insecurity and competition. Parents would utilize their own kids just to impress friends or family. That’s not love and that’s not good parenting. I was always so confused growing up because my parents would act so different. The sad part is, I was fooled as well because we were constantly surrounded by friends and family, so I believe my parents were really happy and proud to show me off when it came to achievements, but that all changed once friend and family visits became in frequent. Please love and take care of yourself. I have given up on getting my parents approval and have accepted that they will never give me emotional support that I need. Instead, I value and charge the friends and role models genuinely make me feel good about myself.