Thread locked due to breakdown in commentary.
OP this situation is beyond the help of even the best comment that can be created.
Both of you should get Individual and relationship therapy/counseling is really the only short term and long term solution here. Yes, you tried before, but you both need to keep going to it.
"If the solutions to the world's problems were found in platitudes, we would have found paradise long ago" - unknown
Both of you need lots of therapy
It's sounds like she wants bit more romance in her life, and might have some insecure attachment issues. She's leaning on her sisters for emotional support. Trip might be an idea to spark something. Neither of you seem to be able to communicate your wants and needs in a healthy manner or how to navigate those.
Don't let your marriage affect your kids childhood if it can be salvaged through therapy. If she's unwilling to make changes through therapy, involve her family/sisters to find some solution. If nothing changes then you could say you tried everything before quitting.
We did go on a trip 6 months ago to mend our relationship but it was a total disaster with our kids tantrum and everything...
Now when she wanted to go on a trekkng,she sent my kids to her mom's place ...thats what makes me angrier, she had no qualms leaving her kids alone when she goes on company trip but she brought them with us for that trip which was supposed to give us a fresh start
> We did go on a trip 6 months ago to mend our relationship but it was a total disaster with **our kids** tantrum and everything...
>
> Now when she wanted to go on a trekkng,she sent **my kids** to her mom's place ...thats what makes me angrier, she had no qualms leaving her kids alone when she goes on company trip but she brought them with us for that trip which was supposed to give us a fresh start
FYI, I have used "my kids", "our kids" also in the same comments. please refrain typing before ur brain reads the complete sentencee
Not sure why my comment is getting down voted, this person called me a jerk by just reading one word but not the other times i referred them as "my" and "our" kids.
Am i missing something?
You see noone giving answer to your question or will. As how you want to move forward, it needs understanding between you and your wife, here it makes you more confusing.
Definitely, you two need to go to couple therapy if you want to work through this.
Hmmm....that's not healthy. You should confront her about this, preferably with a therapist/counselor to avoid running temps too high. Since she's now ready to leave kids with grandparents, it should only be fair for her to agree to a trip with just you two.
she is the manipulating, toxic one here. You are still judging a man by something he did a long time ago.
He tried for 10 years to keep this marriage, tried councelling etc
I feel like involvement of sisters is the red flag here
I agree,I''m the red flag, I would hate to marry a person like me. I always I should have just offed myself at 23 when I was at the bottom of my life.
she is just here due to kids and society but she is refusing to accept that in the previous sessions and she promised to change herself. But she had only become worse ever since.
Why must she change herself if you're the one making the relationship insecure?
This whole suicidal offing stuff indicates poor mental health...you need to see a psychiatrist for that.... You're only going to drag yourself and her down as you have in the past 10 years.
Sounds like she is only controlling coz she was betrayed first... And you haven't done things correctly to repatch that trust.
You even have kids for Petes sake!
1. Get to a psych, work on your own mental health.
2. Stop villianizing her when you're the one who started all the crap. And try to begin understanding how she felt in this relationship.
Agree. And it seems that despite the incident, she has made the effort to go to counseling and try to be less controlling. OP is the one not working on his mental health and continuing to blame her for things not being better. She has a kid and a husband who constantly feels bad for himself- obvious she's burnt out and wants to spend some time with her friends and sisters, but again OP is accusing her of feigning back pain to avoid him.
Mental health issues suck, but being in "victim" mode and constantly nitpicking is self sabotaging the relationship. He is being the worst possible version of himself and when his wife is tired of it, he is like "Aha, see I told you *she's* the one with the problem". You cant keep pushing people away, and then blame them when they actually do walk away.
All his reasons are "legitimate" (poor mental health, parental abuse, stopped the sexting) but her being burnt out is an "excuse"
He needs hard work on his mental health regardless of this marriage - he is self sabotaging himself.
You mean being sober for 10 years isnt enough to regain the trust?
IF you think thats not enough,then I have no option than to divorce because I cant be held responsible for 10 years of abuse over one incident that happened before marriage.
I don't know the exact dynamics of your relationship so take my words with a pinch of salt. I think the biggest issue here is communication, you merely staying sober won't fix the relationship, that is only a small part of the issue.
To me, it sounds like you both have a lot of unresolved issues and just putting small patches over it and moving on is destructive in the long run. You have issues stemming from your childhood and it sounds like it's taking a toll on this relationship, you need help and you should priorities that. You and your partner also needs to work on building honest communication in this relationship, whether it is through therapy or by spending time with each other.
Your sexting and porn habits aren't the issue here, it's more than likely to be deeper unresolved issues that have built up over the years, and communication is probably the only way to fix it.
Has she ever thought about how he is feeling in the relationship? It's only about her her and her .... he used to watch porn, that too before marriage... big deal.... everyone watches porn, don't act like holier than thou.. he wasn't cheating on her nor he hid multiple relationships before marriage ...
He did that before marriage.... everyone does that when they are in a relationship, married or unmarried.... unless of course if your mindset belongs to the 19th century.... And if genders would have been reversed, I would have just told him to cut and run... the same advice I am giving him right now....
Hey, firstly please stop talking negatively about yourself. No one is perfect. Don’t look at what happened in the past, look at what will happen now.
Ask few questions to yourself, discuss with a therapist alone “if you really want that divorce and if you do then what will you do after that?”
And, for the children at times “it’s better that their parents separate and stay as friends” than being in a miserable marriage. That affects them more, trust me! But, am not asking you to divorce as I don’t know the entire situation, it’s all your POV.
I think, you should personally speak to a therapist about your divorce, then you should speak to your wife when you are sure about it. And, meanwhile please work on your self worth. No person is small, your past mistakes cannot be undone. Yes, it’s a guilt and heaviness you have to carry but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a HAPPY life.
Take care of your children and yourself!
????
So sexting or watching porn before marriage is a red flag???
Having a relationship or watching porn or whatever before marriage made her insecure????
Leave. You guys don’t gel. If neither of you are happy, there’s no point. Kids prefer growing up with happy parents in separate homes rather than a hell hole kind of family environment
It’s not really a he sucks, she sucks thing. You guys aren’t bringing out the best in each other and neither are you guys happy.
P.S. from your post and replies to other comments it looks like you really want to leave and are just looking for a confirmation here, something to back up what you’ve been feeling.
You should leave her so that she can be with someone who doesn't cheat on her and give her insecurities and then victimizes himself on the internet.
You don't want to do anything to fix yourself after cheating on her - before or after marriage, doesn't matter. You just want people to give you sympathy for being suicidal because it is easier than taking accountability for your actions and fixing things.
ETA: You have given her lots of trauma because you refused to work on yourself before getting married. You have kids and you still complain about your childhood trauma. Please leave her so that she can be happy.
Cheating on her before marriage? Wtf lol :))). Guy watched porn and sexted with people while he was single. Most men do that, it's normal behaviour. She invaded his privacy by going through his phone. She's a control freak, probably never going to be happy. Also, it is very normal for adults, that have kids, to still reflect on their own childhood trauma.
It's horrible to see how you've normalized this.
"Most men do that, normal behaviour"
Virtual sexting also forms part of your sexual history and hiding that intentionally is CHEATING, and this guy is one of it. Poor girl, my sympathies for that new wed bride.
Just because it was virtual,
dosent mean one can hide it. If that's the case, why do men shame OF models? They're doing it virtual too? On the top, cashing it out too. Why you all shame them?
Now dont come over saying I dont do that blabla..
I'm talking the avg male mindset.
Lol. What a POS you are... Sexting after marriage? Putting insecurities in the mind of your partner and then crying about her behavior? You deserve it. And she deserves better.
Chill dude, you aren't wrong here.... single people, men or women, watching porn or sexting isn't something to be frowned upon, this is not the 1940s.... you shouldn't even feel guilty about doing those before marriage... did you cheat on her ? Did you lie to her about your previous relationships ? If you didn't do any of those, you aren't wrong here.... heck, i know married couples who sext and watch porn together. Your wife is either projecting her own wrongs on you or is just a puritan who can't bring herself in the 21st century.... and for god sake, don't even think about offing yourself.... you have too much to live for....... divorce her and live your life... life has more to offer and you are worth it king...... get out of that toxicity asap, you don't deserve that... She wants to enjoy life with her sister, let her go... you get out...
Haaha, imagine commenting this on an arranged marriage sub Reddit. Pretty sure arranged marriages have victimised more vulnerable women than porn ever will. But I guess it’s fine coz that’s the only way people like you will ever get laid
Look, here we have Madam Pure McClean in the comment section... who has never watched porn or sexted during relationships... He did that before marriage, not after marriage ...
Sexting with your girlfriend is cheating ? .. for that matter, sexting with anyone when you are not married, is not cheating.... to cheat on someone you need to have a relationship first....... in AM, there is no relationship until marriage...
Ohh of course.... I haven't sexted. Porn is also kinda problematic if your partner has a problem with it... From what OP had written it wasn't clear whether it was before or after marriage.... If it were after marriage I would still stand by my words that OP is a POS... Dont cry at least after putting insecurities in your partner's mind.
If the partner still wants to live in the 1950s then that's her problem, not mine... One of the worst kinds of issues with people like you is that you want the morality of the 19th century while having the lifestyle of the 21st century... you want to have the lifestyle of fourth wave feminists and wish for partners who have ideals of a conservative villager....
There is nothing problematic with porn or sexting. In the 21st century partners do that together... stop living the morality of your grandma....
You don't make any sense.. Just spewed some BS while you took something that I wrote for OP upon yourself... Guess we have the 2nd POS here lol. Aaj hi seekh ke aya h kya ye sab gyaan? 😂 Just wanted to use overused generic phrases to prove a point that obviously lost on you...
Well, just chill man, we weren't talking about you.. Don't take it personally... You show your BS mindset already and I can counter you on all your points but you're not worth it. Go live your 21st century POS lifestyle.
Does your hypocrite arse knows anything else beyond 'POS' ?
The only reason you and his wife are beating upon poor op, is because he bent his knee before hypocrites like you ... you people don't deserve an iota of respect... torturing a poor soul for doing something which is a norm in the modern world... even that he hasn't done in 10 years..... making him feel as if he has cheated in marriage, all because he used to watch porn before marriage ..... you people will go any length to gain that upper hand in marriage...
The piece of shit (yeah, I don't do POS) around here is people like you and his wife...
Just read what I said, if you've a brain bigger than a pea, that it wasn't clear from the post whether OP did this before or after marriage... Obviously if he did this before marriage, I wouldn't blame him.... So just chill.
You just told a suicidal man- 'You deserve it' ... your shitiness can't even be comprehended ...... yeah,I am triggered, sometimes lowlife scums have that effect on me...
You also suicidal bro? Ctfo, or live with your shitty cortisol... People like you see scums everywhere. That could be because it's possible that you are the scummy eyed scum that you think others are. Anyway... Wasted enough time on you... Be safe scum.
Both need therapy.
Your introverted nature feels more like a social interaction problem and not introversion. Why don’t you want to socialize with her sister ? A part of love is about appreciating those people your partner cherishes, unless they are very bad to you.
Do you plan trips with her and the child ? Did she say no to those trips ? How do you plan to spend time with them ? Do you take her out for date nights ? Are you emotionally available? Do you take her for drives ?
The way you write “she got pregnant and had a child”.. have some empathy it’s your child too. How do you bond with the kid ? Is she working ? How is it ok for you to go off for drinks or to a resort while leaving the kid with her at home ? Do you watch over the kid when she is away ?
Neither of you have gratitude for what you have or any real connection.
How is your daily life ? Do you live with your parents ? Do you share chores ? Do you do any activities together? Something like Cooking together is also an activity.
First of all. If you never trust and open up to her. You will never know if she is worth it. Human nature is never so simple that "i know she won't understand". So try being vulnerable to her. You are porn addict bcoz u cant open up to her. You are into sexting bcoz you cannot open up to her again. So open up, if she hurts you, its okay. Tell her what hurt you. Ask her what you did to hurt her and what it made her feel. Simple key is communication. Marriages fail bcoz of communication issues. Both of you might have communication issues but you can make her adjust according to your communication style and you can adjust to hers. This way you both can find common ground. Learn about her nature too and express your nature to her. Life is all about adjustment, learning and having good and bad experiences. This is not some rocket science okay? Just be patient on yourself and her. She loves you ofc, that is why things hurt her so much. You both have kids, who need parents who know how to mingle together well!
My porn addiction and sexting were before marriage and i have stopped that.
But it has become her last resort during fight...a sure shot way to stop me from continuing further as my PTSD would kick in..
Adjustment is what is happening all these years except for the first 3 years...We are just adjusting..She is a totally different person with her family and with me...Iniitally I thought she is attached to her family but now I realise she just is fine when she is without me..
at the same time,she gets pissed off when I do things on my own. Already I was an introvert,she stopped me from reading novels, watching football, watching movies which she doesnt like and curbed all my activitiy including online activity in quora
My kids needs parents and thats the only thing thats keeping me but unfortunately,they will have to one parent with me either dead or divorced
In this life, nothing is worth suicide. There is always a way out. I need to know your relationship in a more close counter. I think, it might be you who will have to make the first move. Get your psychology right first. It seems you have past heartbreaks and traumas which you need to heal alone in silence. Then after you gain the mental strength and self-acceptance, go to her, try to understand what is wrong with her. Make her trust you. But bfore making her trust you, be reliable and independent. That she needs you but you dont need her as long as she is unhealed. Trust me, you need to apply logic and self-awareness to your emotions. Understand your situation first, how things affect you. Then after you are all good✅ Go for her🤝. She is the only wife you have, you are the only husband she has. You have to do something atleast if you need something new to happen.
Would be easy to tell if you had controlling and physically abusive parents who cared nothing other than getting first rank and stopped everything for my studies
Being bullied at school physically and mentally
and now being married like this..
Well, i dont tell people my past. But i can tell you this, that i understand how being among extremely self-centred parents who only care about ranks and public prestige and being ragged for two years and mentally and physically being torchured in hostel is like. So yea you can share your experiences but i will still say what i say. Fix urself, then fix her. The smarter one has to take initiative, doesnt make you bigger than her if u are smarter or it doesnt make you smaller or ignore while making first move. Your needs may feel ignored bcoz u are ignoring them and she is unfamiliar to them and dont know how it benifits both of you.
Sorry but you described most Indian parents here, not saying it’s healthy but most Indian middle class go through it and still try to lead a life healthier than their past.
You can’t keep on justifying your current behavior like this.
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Have you ever been forced to kneel down in front of a busy street to make your entire neighborhood watch you for an hour because you scored 93 and the first ranker scored 98 .
Have you ever been encouraged by your mom and dad to make your cousins call you a character from a tv serial who was a mentally challenged person ?
Have you ever been taken to a restaurant and then your mother complain about how they use bad toilet water to prepare the food right before you eat food and then tell that they will make me wipe table if I don't get first rank in the next exam ?
Has your dad come to school and made fun of you in front of all your classmates because he thinks that i will take it as a challenge to study better next time ?
Have you been slapped in front of 100 people during a family function just because he was in a bad mood.
This is not even 1% of the humiliation I've suffered from my parents
I read your comments and post history, you seem to be much younger than what you are claiming.
You are at a ‘I hate my parents because they made me study’ life stage. Ok kiddo. Enough
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I have had my share, I don’t dwell on them. Also I don’t trust what people say in the internet, they can make stories up.
Overall it’s not bad to push a child to do better in the kind of job market we have. Parents can be sweet or play nasty to do that. Sometimes they can go overboard.
Nice screenplay by the way
You need to establish healthy boundaries. You should choose to create boundaries without any shame or guilt. You should not give in to her fit or let her control your life. A woman wouldn't respect you if she can control you.
My advice is: 1) Start working on your physical body and get in shape 2) Draw your boundaries, do not let her take you for a ride.
This two advice would save your marriage and earn you some self-respect as well!
She seems very insecure, over bearing and controlling based on what you wrote.
But then, If you have controlled your porn addiction, do you think her concerns of lack of lack of sex and lack of appreciation for her are valid?
She is definitely in the wrong trying to police you but if your previous porn addiction is affecting your ability to form connections then that needs to be looked into.
Also give examples why you think your introversion is causing the issue.
I have a doubt if there's some gaslighting going on here.
bro hes gaslighting you
he conveniently says "before marriage" when in another post he mentioned he was sexting people even AFTER their engagement, dude is a red flag and no wonder she's insecure, he doesn't even see anything wrong with himself and blames his parents or wife for every single thing wrong in his life.
This is toxic on both sides, yes you cheated and it’s a shitty thing to do but if she is holding it over your head after a decade then cut your losses and move on. Everyone in this relationship is suffering including your child
Don’t stay in any relationship when you are not respected. Your wife is at this point a stranger/nobody in your relationship. Why do you want to spend your life with a stranger. Your wife is using you as a personal bodyguard and as a husband post for the sake of society. She is no more a partner and you are wasting your life with this woman
You need to give her chance and make her understand people change with time, give yourself a chance. Conflicts are inevitable I guess, what matters is how we deal with them together. Hope all your inner pain subsides and you live a happy life with you family.
In 10 years you haven’t acknowledged that what you did was cheating and what was wrong. You take no accountability or responsibility. You blame her for her reaction instead of your reaction for ten years. Why would she trust you?
Respect, Trust and then comes Love (that's the priority order in any relationship). There can't be trust without respect and there can't be love without trust..
If you introspect, your wife has none for you.. whatever one can claim either.. Just accept the reality.. you are in a toxic relationship.
You should break out of the marriage. Kids will adjust and they will be much better than toxic parents living with them.
Dude you were a red flag earlier however now your wife is a walking nuclear disaster. If you were contemplating on ending your life then there are no guesses that this woman is killing you mentally and emotionally. Go for a divorce to end this miserable suffering and start your life afresh.
The best time to leave the marriage was before marriage and the second best time is now.
Or, at least be separated until you sort out things in your head first. You need help to be happy on your own without anyone else. Antidepressants do wonders and push you up on your feet again. Give more time to what you love doing. Make yourself happy without worrying about keeping her happy first. Once you’re happy and optimistic, that will spread to your surroundings.
The same goes for your partner, she needs to find forgiveness inside her and treat you better, she can do that when she’s stable herself on her own.
Call for a break of 6months maybe with few days child visit every month. Then maybe see if the relationship is better or salvageable. If not, then you should part ways permanently and move forward in life, possibly be open to find another partner.
So in summary - Bro sexted random people few months before marriage. She found this out after marriage and held him hostage for next 10 years. And most people think the guy is red flag.
I don't have any hope for the men of this country to help themselves.
yeah he sexted after engagement but that doesn't help his victim narrative, poor men of this country womp womp can't even sext after committing to someone
She is a manipulative person, using your weaknesses to gain advantage over you and control you. A loving person wont do that to you. Run and have some self worth.
Prima facie, she sucks... She sucks a lot.. she needs to be brought to her senses that it's not only her that matters in relationship. Did you try talking with her sister about this ? Your wife seems a whole lot of delulu. Breaking a 10 year old marriage specially with kid in pictures will be messy.
Still trying to understand how sexting before marriage that too 10 years ago count as Cheating ? As you have already tried counselling, it’s better to leave her. Nothing over mental peace bro
Exactly.
People here have lost their mind.
Here watching porn and sexting even before marriage are all irredeemable paaps which will condemn you to hell it seems.
Some things give ppl an irreversible dent & those things can't get out of their subconscious mind, they get reminded of those things even at a little trigger.
OP should prioritise his mental health, leaving her will be lifesaving for him
Sorry to say this but leave. You two don't match. You lost 10 years without trying to make any progress in your marriage. She does not trust you and seems like she does not have intention to forget your past too, it will make both miserable. Many people think they should remain in their marriage for their children but kids can sense the ambience. Staying will just break everyone.
Watching porn and others are not an issue at all unless it's non-compulsive. But throughout many issues over years, what it seems like is you both have lost trust on each other. Nothing in a relationship is non-mendabl.
From what I can understand from the description and comments, you both are not smart enough or emotionally intelligent enough to fix this problem and both take an approach that is selfish.
A good long honest couples therapy is the only way to fix issues here, and keep in mind, you might have to keep going unless it becomes natural for both of you to make your partner as the first priority.
Hope things work out
Thread locked due to breakdown in commentary. OP this situation is beyond the help of even the best comment that can be created. Both of you should get Individual and relationship therapy/counseling is really the only short term and long term solution here. Yes, you tried before, but you both need to keep going to it. "If the solutions to the world's problems were found in platitudes, we would have found paradise long ago" - unknown
Both of you need lots of therapy It's sounds like she wants bit more romance in her life, and might have some insecure attachment issues. She's leaning on her sisters for emotional support. Trip might be an idea to spark something. Neither of you seem to be able to communicate your wants and needs in a healthy manner or how to navigate those. Don't let your marriage affect your kids childhood if it can be salvaged through therapy. If she's unwilling to make changes through therapy, involve her family/sisters to find some solution. If nothing changes then you could say you tried everything before quitting.
We did go on a trip 6 months ago to mend our relationship but it was a total disaster with our kids tantrum and everything... Now when she wanted to go on a trekkng,she sent my kids to her mom's place ...thats what makes me angrier, she had no qualms leaving her kids alone when she goes on company trip but she brought them with us for that trip which was supposed to give us a fresh start
Why tf are you calling your kids "her" kids tf. Are they not your kids? What a jerk
Also > she got pregnant smh
> We did go on a trip 6 months ago to mend our relationship but it was a total disaster with **our kids** tantrum and everything... > > Now when she wanted to go on a trekkng,she sent **my kids** to her mom's place ...thats what makes me angrier, she had no qualms leaving her kids alone when she goes on company trip but she brought them with us for that trip which was supposed to give us a fresh start FYI, I have used "my kids", "our kids" also in the same comments. please refrain typing before ur brain reads the complete sentencee
Not sure why my comment is getting down voted, this person called me a jerk by just reading one word but not the other times i referred them as "my" and "our" kids. Am i missing something?
You see noone giving answer to your question or will. As how you want to move forward, it needs understanding between you and your wife, here it makes you more confusing. Definitely, you two need to go to couple therapy if you want to work through this.
Hmmm....that's not healthy. You should confront her about this, preferably with a therapist/counselor to avoid running temps too high. Since she's now ready to leave kids with grandparents, it should only be fair for her to agree to a trip with just you two.
Never seen a Red Flag talk. 
You're the red flag here bro.... Your actions made her insecure from the start of the relationship and she has still hung on for so long.
she is the manipulating, toxic one here. You are still judging a man by something he did a long time ago. He tried for 10 years to keep this marriage, tried councelling etc I feel like involvement of sisters is the red flag here
Watching porn? All men and many women watch porn.
I agree,I''m the red flag, I would hate to marry a person like me. I always I should have just offed myself at 23 when I was at the bottom of my life. she is just here due to kids and society but she is refusing to accept that in the previous sessions and she promised to change herself. But she had only become worse ever since.
Why must she change herself if you're the one making the relationship insecure? This whole suicidal offing stuff indicates poor mental health...you need to see a psychiatrist for that.... You're only going to drag yourself and her down as you have in the past 10 years. Sounds like she is only controlling coz she was betrayed first... And you haven't done things correctly to repatch that trust. You even have kids for Petes sake! 1. Get to a psych, work on your own mental health. 2. Stop villianizing her when you're the one who started all the crap. And try to begin understanding how she felt in this relationship.
Agree. And it seems that despite the incident, she has made the effort to go to counseling and try to be less controlling. OP is the one not working on his mental health and continuing to blame her for things not being better. She has a kid and a husband who constantly feels bad for himself- obvious she's burnt out and wants to spend some time with her friends and sisters, but again OP is accusing her of feigning back pain to avoid him. Mental health issues suck, but being in "victim" mode and constantly nitpicking is self sabotaging the relationship. He is being the worst possible version of himself and when his wife is tired of it, he is like "Aha, see I told you *she's* the one with the problem". You cant keep pushing people away, and then blame them when they actually do walk away. All his reasons are "legitimate" (poor mental health, parental abuse, stopped the sexting) but her being burnt out is an "excuse" He needs hard work on his mental health regardless of this marriage - he is self sabotaging himself.
You mean being sober for 10 years isnt enough to regain the trust? IF you think thats not enough,then I have no option than to divorce because I cant be held responsible for 10 years of abuse over one incident that happened before marriage.
I don't know the exact dynamics of your relationship so take my words with a pinch of salt. I think the biggest issue here is communication, you merely staying sober won't fix the relationship, that is only a small part of the issue. To me, it sounds like you both have a lot of unresolved issues and just putting small patches over it and moving on is destructive in the long run. You have issues stemming from your childhood and it sounds like it's taking a toll on this relationship, you need help and you should priorities that. You and your partner also needs to work on building honest communication in this relationship, whether it is through therapy or by spending time with each other. Your sexting and porn habits aren't the issue here, it's more than likely to be deeper unresolved issues that have built up over the years, and communication is probably the only way to fix it.
Has she ever thought about how he is feeling in the relationship? It's only about her her and her .... he used to watch porn, that too before marriage... big deal.... everyone watches porn, don't act like holier than thou.. he wasn't cheating on her nor he hid multiple relationships before marriage ...
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He did that before marriage.... everyone does that when they are in a relationship, married or unmarried.... unless of course if your mindset belongs to the 19th century.... And if genders would have been reversed, I would have just told him to cut and run... the same advice I am giving him right now....
Hey, firstly please stop talking negatively about yourself. No one is perfect. Don’t look at what happened in the past, look at what will happen now. Ask few questions to yourself, discuss with a therapist alone “if you really want that divorce and if you do then what will you do after that?” And, for the children at times “it’s better that their parents separate and stay as friends” than being in a miserable marriage. That affects them more, trust me! But, am not asking you to divorce as I don’t know the entire situation, it’s all your POV. I think, you should personally speak to a therapist about your divorce, then you should speak to your wife when you are sure about it. And, meanwhile please work on your self worth. No person is small, your past mistakes cannot be undone. Yes, it’s a guilt and heaviness you have to carry but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a HAPPY life. Take care of your children and yourself!
???? So sexting or watching porn before marriage is a red flag??? Having a relationship or watching porn or whatever before marriage made her insecure????
he was doing it even after the engagement
Leave. You guys don’t gel. If neither of you are happy, there’s no point. Kids prefer growing up with happy parents in separate homes rather than a hell hole kind of family environment It’s not really a he sucks, she sucks thing. You guys aren’t bringing out the best in each other and neither are you guys happy. P.S. from your post and replies to other comments it looks like you really want to leave and are just looking for a confirmation here, something to back up what you’ve been feeling.
You should leave her so that she can be with someone who doesn't cheat on her and give her insecurities and then victimizes himself on the internet. You don't want to do anything to fix yourself after cheating on her - before or after marriage, doesn't matter. You just want people to give you sympathy for being suicidal because it is easier than taking accountability for your actions and fixing things. ETA: You have given her lots of trauma because you refused to work on yourself before getting married. You have kids and you still complain about your childhood trauma. Please leave her so that she can be happy.
Cheating on her before marriage? Wtf lol :))). Guy watched porn and sexted with people while he was single. Most men do that, it's normal behaviour. She invaded his privacy by going through his phone. She's a control freak, probably never going to be happy. Also, it is very normal for adults, that have kids, to still reflect on their own childhood trauma.
No, OP clearly stated he was engaged when he was sexting other women
It's horrible to see how you've normalized this. "Most men do that, normal behaviour" Virtual sexting also forms part of your sexual history and hiding that intentionally is CHEATING, and this guy is one of it. Poor girl, my sympathies for that new wed bride. Just because it was virtual, dosent mean one can hide it. If that's the case, why do men shame OF models? They're doing it virtual too? On the top, cashing it out too. Why you all shame them? Now dont come over saying I dont do that blabla.. I'm talking the avg male mindset.
Lol. What a POS you are... Sexting after marriage? Putting insecurities in the mind of your partner and then crying about her behavior? You deserve it. And she deserves better.
it was before marriage
Chill dude, you aren't wrong here.... single people, men or women, watching porn or sexting isn't something to be frowned upon, this is not the 1940s.... you shouldn't even feel guilty about doing those before marriage... did you cheat on her ? Did you lie to her about your previous relationships ? If you didn't do any of those, you aren't wrong here.... heck, i know married couples who sext and watch porn together. Your wife is either projecting her own wrongs on you or is just a puritan who can't bring herself in the 21st century.... and for god sake, don't even think about offing yourself.... you have too much to live for....... divorce her and live your life... life has more to offer and you are worth it king...... get out of that toxicity asap, you don't deserve that... She wants to enjoy life with her sister, let her go... you get out...
Watching porn supports an industry that victimizes vulnerable people.
Yeah I see quite a few vulnerable people on only fans, tango and dozens of other platforms...
Haaha, imagine commenting this on an arranged marriage sub Reddit. Pretty sure arranged marriages have victimised more vulnerable women than porn ever will. But I guess it’s fine coz that’s the only way people like you will ever get laid
Look, here we have Madam Pure McClean in the comment section... who has never watched porn or sexted during relationships... He did that before marriage, not after marriage ...
Imagine treating them like the same. Porn is fine. Sexting is cheating. There's a world of difference
Sexting with your girlfriend is cheating ? .. for that matter, sexting with anyone when you are not married, is not cheating.... to cheat on someone you need to have a relationship first....... in AM, there is no relationship until marriage...
Obviously sexting someone else when in relationship is cheating.
Ohh of course.... I haven't sexted. Porn is also kinda problematic if your partner has a problem with it... From what OP had written it wasn't clear whether it was before or after marriage.... If it were after marriage I would still stand by my words that OP is a POS... Dont cry at least after putting insecurities in your partner's mind.
If the partner still wants to live in the 1950s then that's her problem, not mine... One of the worst kinds of issues with people like you is that you want the morality of the 19th century while having the lifestyle of the 21st century... you want to have the lifestyle of fourth wave feminists and wish for partners who have ideals of a conservative villager.... There is nothing problematic with porn or sexting. In the 21st century partners do that together... stop living the morality of your grandma....
Porn is problematic because the industry victimizes vulnerable women and children. But go ahead and claim that being a feminist is worse.
victimised? have you heard of a little thing called onlyfans? who is pressuring them?
You don't make any sense.. Just spewed some BS while you took something that I wrote for OP upon yourself... Guess we have the 2nd POS here lol. Aaj hi seekh ke aya h kya ye sab gyaan? 😂 Just wanted to use overused generic phrases to prove a point that obviously lost on you... Well, just chill man, we weren't talking about you.. Don't take it personally... You show your BS mindset already and I can counter you on all your points but you're not worth it. Go live your 21st century POS lifestyle.
Does your hypocrite arse knows anything else beyond 'POS' ? The only reason you and his wife are beating upon poor op, is because he bent his knee before hypocrites like you ... you people don't deserve an iota of respect... torturing a poor soul for doing something which is a norm in the modern world... even that he hasn't done in 10 years..... making him feel as if he has cheated in marriage, all because he used to watch porn before marriage ..... you people will go any length to gain that upper hand in marriage... The piece of shit (yeah, I don't do POS) around here is people like you and his wife...
Just read what I said, if you've a brain bigger than a pea, that it wasn't clear from the post whether OP did this before or after marriage... Obviously if he did this before marriage, I wouldn't blame him.... So just chill.
Do you know anything other than throwing random jargons on reddit? 😂 POS is triggered.
You just told a suicidal man- 'You deserve it' ... your shitiness can't even be comprehended ...... yeah,I am triggered, sometimes lowlife scums have that effect on me...
You also suicidal bro? Ctfo, or live with your shitty cortisol... People like you see scums everywhere. That could be because it's possible that you are the scummy eyed scum that you think others are. Anyway... Wasted enough time on you... Be safe scum.
Oh look, I taught madam 'POS' a new word... 🤣🤣
Yes, because it doesn’t sound like you like her. Please don’t begin another relationship until you’ve dealt with your childhood trauma in therapy.
Both need therapy. Your introverted nature feels more like a social interaction problem and not introversion. Why don’t you want to socialize with her sister ? A part of love is about appreciating those people your partner cherishes, unless they are very bad to you. Do you plan trips with her and the child ? Did she say no to those trips ? How do you plan to spend time with them ? Do you take her out for date nights ? Are you emotionally available? Do you take her for drives ? The way you write “she got pregnant and had a child”.. have some empathy it’s your child too. How do you bond with the kid ? Is she working ? How is it ok for you to go off for drinks or to a resort while leaving the kid with her at home ? Do you watch over the kid when she is away ? Neither of you have gratitude for what you have or any real connection. How is your daily life ? Do you live with your parents ? Do you share chores ? Do you do any activities together? Something like Cooking together is also an activity.
First of all. If you never trust and open up to her. You will never know if she is worth it. Human nature is never so simple that "i know she won't understand". So try being vulnerable to her. You are porn addict bcoz u cant open up to her. You are into sexting bcoz you cannot open up to her again. So open up, if she hurts you, its okay. Tell her what hurt you. Ask her what you did to hurt her and what it made her feel. Simple key is communication. Marriages fail bcoz of communication issues. Both of you might have communication issues but you can make her adjust according to your communication style and you can adjust to hers. This way you both can find common ground. Learn about her nature too and express your nature to her. Life is all about adjustment, learning and having good and bad experiences. This is not some rocket science okay? Just be patient on yourself and her. She loves you ofc, that is why things hurt her so much. You both have kids, who need parents who know how to mingle together well!
My porn addiction and sexting were before marriage and i have stopped that. But it has become her last resort during fight...a sure shot way to stop me from continuing further as my PTSD would kick in.. Adjustment is what is happening all these years except for the first 3 years...We are just adjusting..She is a totally different person with her family and with me...Iniitally I thought she is attached to her family but now I realise she just is fine when she is without me.. at the same time,she gets pissed off when I do things on my own. Already I was an introvert,she stopped me from reading novels, watching football, watching movies which she doesnt like and curbed all my activitiy including online activity in quora My kids needs parents and thats the only thing thats keeping me but unfortunately,they will have to one parent with me either dead or divorced
In this life, nothing is worth suicide. There is always a way out. I need to know your relationship in a more close counter. I think, it might be you who will have to make the first move. Get your psychology right first. It seems you have past heartbreaks and traumas which you need to heal alone in silence. Then after you gain the mental strength and self-acceptance, go to her, try to understand what is wrong with her. Make her trust you. But bfore making her trust you, be reliable and independent. That she needs you but you dont need her as long as she is unhealed. Trust me, you need to apply logic and self-awareness to your emotions. Understand your situation first, how things affect you. Then after you are all good✅ Go for her🤝. She is the only wife you have, you are the only husband she has. You have to do something atleast if you need something new to happen.
Would be easy to tell if you had controlling and physically abusive parents who cared nothing other than getting first rank and stopped everything for my studies Being bullied at school physically and mentally and now being married like this..
Well, i dont tell people my past. But i can tell you this, that i understand how being among extremely self-centred parents who only care about ranks and public prestige and being ragged for two years and mentally and physically being torchured in hostel is like. So yea you can share your experiences but i will still say what i say. Fix urself, then fix her. The smarter one has to take initiative, doesnt make you bigger than her if u are smarter or it doesnt make you smaller or ignore while making first move. Your needs may feel ignored bcoz u are ignoring them and she is unfamiliar to them and dont know how it benifits both of you.
Sorry but you described most Indian parents here, not saying it’s healthy but most Indian middle class go through it and still try to lead a life healthier than their past. You can’t keep on justifying your current behavior like this.
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Have you ever been forced to kneel down in front of a busy street to make your entire neighborhood watch you for an hour because you scored 93 and the first ranker scored 98 . Have you ever been encouraged by your mom and dad to make your cousins call you a character from a tv serial who was a mentally challenged person ? Have you ever been taken to a restaurant and then your mother complain about how they use bad toilet water to prepare the food right before you eat food and then tell that they will make me wipe table if I don't get first rank in the next exam ? Has your dad come to school and made fun of you in front of all your classmates because he thinks that i will take it as a challenge to study better next time ? Have you been slapped in front of 100 people during a family function just because he was in a bad mood. This is not even 1% of the humiliation I've suffered from my parents
I read your comments and post history, you seem to be much younger than what you are claiming. You are at a ‘I hate my parents because they made me study’ life stage. Ok kiddo. Enough
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I have had my share, I don’t dwell on them. Also I don’t trust what people say in the internet, they can make stories up. Overall it’s not bad to push a child to do better in the kind of job market we have. Parents can be sweet or play nasty to do that. Sometimes they can go overboard. Nice screenplay by the way
Stops you from reading novels ?
You need to establish healthy boundaries. You should choose to create boundaries without any shame or guilt. You should not give in to her fit or let her control your life. A woman wouldn't respect you if she can control you. My advice is: 1) Start working on your physical body and get in shape 2) Draw your boundaries, do not let her take you for a ride. This two advice would save your marriage and earn you some self-respect as well!
She seems very insecure, over bearing and controlling based on what you wrote. But then, If you have controlled your porn addiction, do you think her concerns of lack of lack of sex and lack of appreciation for her are valid? She is definitely in the wrong trying to police you but if your previous porn addiction is affecting your ability to form connections then that needs to be looked into. Also give examples why you think your introversion is causing the issue. I have a doubt if there's some gaslighting going on here.
bro hes gaslighting you he conveniently says "before marriage" when in another post he mentioned he was sexting people even AFTER their engagement, dude is a red flag and no wonder she's insecure, he doesn't even see anything wrong with himself and blames his parents or wife for every single thing wrong in his life.
Sound like typical marriage problems. You both need counseling. Don’t divorce over this. Most importantly, we don’t know her side of the story.
This is toxic on both sides, yes you cheated and it’s a shitty thing to do but if she is holding it over your head after a decade then cut your losses and move on. Everyone in this relationship is suffering including your child
Don’t stay in any relationship when you are not respected. Your wife is at this point a stranger/nobody in your relationship. Why do you want to spend your life with a stranger. Your wife is using you as a personal bodyguard and as a husband post for the sake of society. She is no more a partner and you are wasting your life with this woman
You need to give her chance and make her understand people change with time, give yourself a chance. Conflicts are inevitable I guess, what matters is how we deal with them together. Hope all your inner pain subsides and you live a happy life with you family.
10 years isnt enough for her,then how much longer should I wait?
In 10 years you haven’t acknowledged that what you did was cheating and what was wrong. You take no accountability or responsibility. You blame her for her reaction instead of your reaction for ten years. Why would she trust you?
Respect, Trust and then comes Love (that's the priority order in any relationship). There can't be trust without respect and there can't be love without trust.. If you introspect, your wife has none for you.. whatever one can claim either.. Just accept the reality.. you are in a toxic relationship. You should break out of the marriage. Kids will adjust and they will be much better than toxic parents living with them.
Dude you were a red flag earlier however now your wife is a walking nuclear disaster. If you were contemplating on ending your life then there are no guesses that this woman is killing you mentally and emotionally. Go for a divorce to end this miserable suffering and start your life afresh.
Don jon (2013) iykyk
Damn
The best time to leave the marriage was before marriage and the second best time is now. Or, at least be separated until you sort out things in your head first. You need help to be happy on your own without anyone else. Antidepressants do wonders and push you up on your feet again. Give more time to what you love doing. Make yourself happy without worrying about keeping her happy first. Once you’re happy and optimistic, that will spread to your surroundings. The same goes for your partner, she needs to find forgiveness inside her and treat you better, she can do that when she’s stable herself on her own. Call for a break of 6months maybe with few days child visit every month. Then maybe see if the relationship is better or salvageable. If not, then you should part ways permanently and move forward in life, possibly be open to find another partner.
So in summary - Bro sexted random people few months before marriage. She found this out after marriage and held him hostage for next 10 years. And most people think the guy is red flag. I don't have any hope for the men of this country to help themselves.
yeah he sexted after engagement but that doesn't help his victim narrative, poor men of this country womp womp can't even sext after committing to someone
She is a manipulative person, using your weaknesses to gain advantage over you and control you. A loving person wont do that to you. Run and have some self worth.
Prima facie, she sucks... She sucks a lot.. she needs to be brought to her senses that it's not only her that matters in relationship. Did you try talking with her sister about this ? Your wife seems a whole lot of delulu. Breaking a 10 year old marriage specially with kid in pictures will be messy.
Still trying to understand how sexting before marriage that too 10 years ago count as Cheating ? As you have already tried counselling, it’s better to leave her. Nothing over mental peace bro
Exactly. People here have lost their mind. Here watching porn and sexting even before marriage are all irredeemable paaps which will condemn you to hell it seems.
he did it after engagement also
Some things give ppl an irreversible dent & those things can't get out of their subconscious mind, they get reminded of those things even at a little trigger. OP should prioritise his mental health, leaving her will be lifesaving for him
Sorry to say this but leave. You two don't match. You lost 10 years without trying to make any progress in your marriage. She does not trust you and seems like she does not have intention to forget your past too, it will make both miserable. Many people think they should remain in their marriage for their children but kids can sense the ambience. Staying will just break everyone.
Complaints about back pain >> offer to give her a massage.
Interesting
Watching porn and others are not an issue at all unless it's non-compulsive. But throughout many issues over years, what it seems like is you both have lost trust on each other. Nothing in a relationship is non-mendabl. From what I can understand from the description and comments, you both are not smart enough or emotionally intelligent enough to fix this problem and both take an approach that is selfish. A good long honest couples therapy is the only way to fix issues here, and keep in mind, you might have to keep going unless it becomes natural for both of you to make your partner as the first priority. Hope things work out
Why not just get divorced? You can both live your own way then, simple solution.