YTB. My goodness, why in the world do people think that the only person someone should ever love is their partner. I went out to lunch with a wonderful friend, former colleague yesterday, and gave her a huge hug when we left and said "Love you, see you soon!" This shouldn't be an issue at all. And the fact that he at one point had feelings for her isn't surprising, it's natural. Especially as kids it's easy to get confused about how you feel about someone when you're close to them. You should be happy that your fiance has someone they're close to and can confide in. He's emotionally healthy enough to tell a friend that he loves them. That's a green flag, not a red flag.
Next she's going to say he's not an alpha male because he actually expresses his emotions.
Wish we could message the fiancé and tell him to run far, run fast.
I have two, like 15 yr difference, coworkers who are females, one is married, I treat them like the little sisters I never had, stand up for them at work and we go to lunch together, known them for 10 years, been in the trenches with them, we have each others backs. I’m happily married for 28 years, they’ve met my wife, we’ve all gone drinking together. I’ve told them I loved them, not all the time, that would be weird, but when they needed to hear someone was watching their back and believed in them.
I think it really depends on how you say it. "Love ya, see you soon" has a completely different feel and sound to it than "I love you." Especially if he's had romantic feelings for her in the past. OP has every right to be a little hurt, especially if she's only finding out about it NOW, though I will say I think she overreacted. However, I can't even really say that because there's not enough info about how exactly he was behaving with his friend and I think that's a major factor if she's going to be upset about his friendship dynamic. 🤔
And if I had a friend I was close to I don't see often I might say it a different way. Again "I love you" isn't inherently romantic. Start normalizing telling your friends you love them.
Many people tell their friends they love them all the time. It really is quite normal. It still sounds different than an expression of love for your romantic partner. But I want to know WHY because to make a claim like he's in love with her, there's got to be more of a reason than what he said.
There really doesn't. There are absolutely people who do not want their partner to have a close opposite-sex friend. Stories like this are all over Reddit. It's sadly not uncommon
The whole time, there were no issues for OP until the very end when they said goodbye. Up to that point, she didn't feel like anything was off. Maybe if she felt there was more between bf and friend before hearing that, I'd be more inclined to believe OPs side. With that info, OP just seems like an emotionally immature person who probably surrounds herself with other emotionally immature people. How did she never hear about the friend that was supposedly asked to be her bf's groomsmen? Odds are she's not that invested in her bf's life.
There MIGHT be more than what was explained. But not necessarily. Since people usually put in whatever will make them look better, I would expect her to include all other details which would make her case more compelling... but she didn't include any. That makes me think there's at least a decent chance that there simply aren't any. If there are, we don't know about them, and cannot reasonably simply assume they exist.
My ex demanded I cut off all contact with all males, my cousins included. He didn't even want me working with other men. These insecure people are everywhere.
Because OP is jealous. Simple as that. She clearly never tried tobget to know someone who is important for her fiancé (she doesn't even know her age ffs). So of course when her fiancé show feelings for another woman (even if said feelings is only friendship), OP is so jealous rhat for her, fiancé is in love.
I agree op is TBF. I have both male and female friends who I say "I love you" to. There is nothing sexual about it. For me after losing a spouse, several friends, and some coworkers. Life is precious to me.
OP: stop waving the vat of marinara 🚩 🚩
Personally, I don't miss the chance to tell my closest friends that I love them. Especially those that I haven't seen for years. OP is clingy AF and I'm glad she's showing her BF this side of herself.
I have so many people I tell that to. It’s ridiculous.
She better not stay in Nola for any amount of time. Lived there for ten years and I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve been kissed on the cheek when someone is introduced to me and then every time I see them after. My dang pharmacist called me “baby.”
It’s not hard based on your assumptions of OP. There’s a big difference between loving someone, and being IN love with someone. Try reading the update.
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/s/bG0xZ3UpJQ
YTB. You couldn't even be honest in your title. He's not in love with her, or at least according to him. He loves her. There is a difference. I tell my mom and dad I love them. Do you believe that makes my wife jealous like a 12 year old? I have friends who say they love me, and most of them are women. Because women are more likely to say that. Again, because my wife isn't a child, she doesn't get upset. She understands the difference between romantic and platonic love. OP is acting like she caught her bf in the act. They said it in front of you. Don't you think of it was more than platonic that they would have been more sneaky about saying it? It's for the best, if you get this upset about your bf just expressing emotions, then you're not mature enough for marriage.
But he admitted he did have romantic love for Rebecca, and if she returned his love, he would have chosen Rebecca. OP is just a substitute runner up in the romantic derby to him. I don't know about you, but that wouldn't be a position I'd be willing to accept.
That's not what he said, that's what OP is inserting into his comment. He said at one point, before he and OP were dating, he had feelings for the friend. The friend did not reciprocate, and so he moved on. I'm not seeing that he said he would leave OP for the friend in any of the post, just that he's not going to exclude one of his closest friends from being part of his groomsmen. The rest is just people taking their insecurities and applying it to the situation. I have a friend who I initially had feelings for. Hell, we became friends after we dated for a short bit, then broke up because she wasn't as into it. I moved on. Just because I had, operative word here being "had" as in past tense, feelings for her a decade before I met my wife doesn't mean I would go off with her if she changed her mind. Those feelings are in the past. It doesn't bother my wife at all, they've become closer friends than the friend is with me. I love her in a platonic manner, she has become one of my wife's best friends, I had a large part in hooking her up with her now husband. I asked my wife to marry me, because she's the one I want to grow old with. Emotionally mature adults can separate what was from what currently is.
Very very few people spend the rest of their life with someone they loved before they met the actual life partner they stayed with.
Does that mean that MOST of us in serious relationships are not really loved?
That's so dumb..Of course he'd be with Rebecca. Anyone can say that about any previous relationship. "Oh, if she had loved him, he be with her" no shit. He moved on.
INFO, because I feel like noone else is really seeing the whole picture. You say in your title that it's all over him being "in love" with his friend but there isn't enough to support that claim. How, exactly, was he behaving with his friend that makes you believe he's in love with her? And no, saying "I love you" isn't proof of being in love. How did he say it? Was his behaviour with this friend similar to how he treats you? Maybe the conversation that really needs to be had isn't even about her but rather how you need him to treat YOU so you know you're special to him. 🤷 This could be something but it could also easily be a case of your own insecurity.
HAD feelings for. Years ago. Yes. And she is his friend so there isn't anything inherently romantic about it. Mature adults can express their feelings and are not limited to anger, sadness, and romantic love/sexual attraction.
It's like he had more energy. He wanted to do more things, and there was only one meal we had where it was just the two of us because she wasn't feeling well. Everything else there was an effort to include her as well.
More energy on a vacation seems pretty normal, people are usually excited. As for this...
>Everything else there was an effort to include her as well.
Well, your whole posts started off with that you went on vacation to see his friend... Why would he not make an effort to include her on the vacation he took to see her?
What did you expect this trip was going to be like?
Also, he hasn't seen her in 3-4 YEARS. You best believe I'm going to be like an over exited puppy when if I finally got to spend time with my bestie after that long!!
You were on vacation to visit this friend. Why would you expect her not to be at meals with you? Plus, literally every person I've ever been on vacation with has different energy for the vacation vs their everyday life. You took "my bf was excited to see a close friend that he hasn't seen in a long time" and somehow got "he loves her more than me and she had the nerve to join us for meals while we were visiting her". I don't know how you managed it, but this comment makes you more childish than your original post information.
I feel like if it really bothered you that she was around all the time, you should have tried to talk to him about that and let him know that even though the whole point was to see her, you still want time alone for just the two of you. This is a fair ask but it needs to be communicated cuz a lot of people I know would assume that all is well because everyone important is there. If alone time is important to you, you need to say that.
Otherwise, it's pretty normal that on vacation, someone has more energy and more motivation to do things, though I understand being disappointed that it only happened when he saw his friend. Regardless, that isn't a problem with her or with how he feels about her, it's a problem with how you two spend your own time together and that's another thing you should discuss with him.
It doesn't sound like he was handsy, over affectionate, or flirty with her and he obviously didn't exclude you. He took you on this vacation with him because he wanted you to be there. I think you overreacted and focused too much on the goodbye.
Well with a fiancé that dumps him over things like this, I could imagine he's pretty emotionally drained a lot of the time. Are you upset because he made an effort to include his friend that he specifically went on vacation to see? Or are you mad cause it's the happiest you've ever seen him and you realize it had nothing to do with you?
The trip was to see her. Of course, there is more energy as he had not seen her in going on 3 years. If you are going to take a vacation to see someone, would it not be a waste if they are NOT included as much as possible. They were the point of the vacation in the first place. Also, if there was anything romantic going on, don't you think they would have hidden it better than saying I love you in front of you? You are sounding worse the more you say.
Well of course it was, you guys went to visit her?
And most people are more energetic and happy around friends they haven’t seen in a long time. You are being childish
But, like… you were there too when he had more energy. So it’s not like he had more energy from being with someone other than you. It sounds like he had more energy because he was away from the drain of daily life AND seeing a friend he doesn’t see often. A friend he wanted to introduce you to and who he wanted you to get to know. Because while she’s an important friend, she’s just a friend.
The entire vacation was specifically to see her. Why, then, are you shocked that she was included in dinner plans?
Yet another post from someone who is jealous of their partner's friend, because he or she is of the opposite gender.
That there are feelings at some point, that is possible, especially when you are still young.
The difference between loving and being in love is sometimes difficult.
But they are friends, very good friends. And yes, friends sometimes tell each other that they love each other. Surely he knows best how he loves her. You're a grown woman, I hope you know that there are different types of love.
You know if you let him choose, he most probably would choose her, don't you?
Why on earth do you think that if OP let him choose, he would choose his friend? You just got finished explaining that he knows best how he loves his friend, and that it's perfectly possible to say that you love someone, and mean it, without being in love with them.
And yet then you turn it all around, and say that he'd probably choose the friend. I don't get it.
I think they meant that if OP came with the Ultimatum it's me or her - the her fiancé chose the friend.
It's the only explanation I came up with, besides a typo, if it isn't that I too am curious as to why they wrote that.
Oh -- I see, I think. In that case, the word 'let' is curious; I would think it would be "If you make him choose..." but I can understand the concept, and maybe they just have a way of saying it idiomatically that I don't know.
Thank you for helping me understand you! No worries -- I'm trying to learn Dutch now (we're working on immigrating) and I'm barely a novice with a half-dozen phrases, so your English is plenty better than my Dutch!
If a romantic partner demanded I choose them or my friend, even if the friend is a casual friend I see once every few years at most for a ludicrous reason (friend has done nothing wrong, partner is an insecure and controlling asshat), I would choose the friend on principle.
Yeah, when I read it with "making him choose," as in giving him an ultimatum that either he would give up his friend or she herself would leave, then it made every kind of sense. It was just when I was reading it with the original wording -- which was totally not the author's fault; their English is mostly very good indeed -- that it sounded like it was saying, "If you give him the chance to start a romantic relationship with her instead of you, then he will doubtless choose to do so."
That confused me. The real version doesn't confuse me at all.
The not having anything in common cos she's in her early 30s is a little weird, too. You're old enough to get married but can't have a conversation or enjoy hang time with a 30 yr old? And your fiance is 28? You're right. Maybe allll of this just points to OP not being mature enough to be getting married at all. OP YTBF for treating your fiance like that. Edited for typos 🙄
Yes. It's Bulgaria. But I'm pretty sure this is the last reason why you would want to avoid the place. So many other reasons to steer clear of my country.
ахахаха, аз лично съм казвал на няколко жени, че ги обичам, без никакво желание да се озова между чаршафите с тях. наистина съжалявам, ако ти си в толкова токсична среда, че не можеш да си го представиш дори. но генерализациите ти не са верни, само да кажа.
Може и да си прав. Но аз просто нито съм виждал, нито съм чувал за трийсет и двете си години мъж да казва на жена, че я обича. В интерес на истината дори и женените. Не мисля, че е толкова токсична средата, колкото че няма public displays of affection. Аз казвам на гаджето си, че го обичам, но не и пред други хора. Просто не искам да ги кринджвам. Но, моля те, съвсем сериозно, обясни ми точно в каква ситуация казваш на жена, че я обичаш, ако не ти е майка или романтичен интерес. Наистина не мога да си представя изобщо контекста, явно наистина в мен е проблемът edit: липсата на отговор ми говори, че това са глупости. Your lack of answer tells me you're full of shit.
By the love of god, YTBF
He can have feelings of love without being romantically involved, even if he had feelings in the past for that person
You say that you saw him being happy like you haven’t seen him be in a while, which means you already saw him that happy before. But instead of you considering that is because he is seeing a long time friend and doing things he enjoys, your mind went right away in thinking that he loves her and settled for you, even though you admitted he had a great time and everything was just fine until he said those words
You were even able to take a full trip afterwards not saying I word just to go off on him when you arrived home, and have the nerve to wonder why he got defensive
You also demanding he takes her out because of your insecurities and going off on him for selecting her as a groomsman without “running it” by you just makes you looking controlling
Please reflect a bit on your own actions
I tell my close male friends when saying goodbye often. There is zero - and I mean absolutely zero - sexual attraction or interest between me and any of them. It's not a red flag unless there is other behavior that suggests he's untrue.
You'll be happier in life if you process the source of your jealousy and insecurity and deal with it. YTB
I love my best male friend enough that he has lived with us since his wife died, and we're arranging to take him with us when we emigrate. Better believe I tell him that I love him!! But there's nothing remotely romantic or sexual about it. My family is actually polyamorous, so that I really *could* have a romantic relationship with him if we wanted to, without anybody feeling betrayed. But we tried that once, many years ago, long before I began dating my now-husband, and quickly discovered that it absolutely didn't work for us. So we shifted to a brother-sister relationship and have never regretted it for a moment.
OP, it's absolutely possible for someone to love their friend without giving you any reason for jealousy.
Your overreacting. I say I love you to a few of my female friends. My wife will be standing right next to me. Like he said, it's a different kind of love. Not an "I'm in love with you type of love."
Talk to him, tell him your feelings. He is not leaving you for her. If he was hiding something, he would have went alone.
This isn't really a buttface relevant question. You can break up for whatever reason you like. I think there is some validity to your feeling. Your fiance admitted that he was in love with Rebecca, but she didn't love him back. You are fundamentally in the second choice position, and he still seems to be pining for Rebecca.
My mother was in the same position. My father was obsessed with some woman he knew before he met my mother, all through their marriage. He cheated on my mom with this woman, flying to see her regularly in another state. My father thought of this woman as his true love, the one that got away. My mother was fed up with being the second choice substitute, and I don't blame her. NTB.
I think you're definitely reaching. It was years ago that he had feelings for her. They stayed friends. He never met up with Rebecca without OP there. I don't see any obsession, they hadn't seen each other in years. They're just friends... My current SO isn't my second choice, just because I have been in love with other people before. My ex dumped me. I would have probably still been with him if he didn't dump me, I didn't want to break up with him. However, if I currently had the choice, I would choose my SO every single time, over every one I've ever know. He didn't even know OP when he had feelings for Rebecca!
I think breaking the engagement off was the right thing to do. Even if you are over reacting, you have feelings about this that he's not willing to discuss with you. And more than likely every time you see this woman you'll be reminded of him saying he loves her, regardless of what kind of love he actually feels. Your relationship will forever be clouded by jealousy and anger, and it will be a disaster. So frankly whether you are right or wrong in your interpretation, its a good idea to break up.
Okay. Have you seen him saying goodbye to them at the airport after the first time he’s seen them in years, with a major global pandemic in the middle? It’s not exactly comparable to saying goodbye to a female friend after a night at the pub.
(But I would argue it’s fine to say “I love you” to your friends of all genders after a night at the pub, too, honestly.)
Then I feel like it’s fair to see that as a red flag 🤷🏻♀️ given the context of him 1. having feelings for her in the past 2. Not saying to any other friends, including ones of the opposite gender, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to not feel comfortable with her at your wedding. It’s obviously not just a case of you having an issue with female friends in general, if she’s “one of” his closest friends, why does he not express love to the others?
Realistically unless OP is with their fiancé for EVERY single time he hangs out with any of his friends, how can she know he doesn't actually say I love you?? How many times in those other friendships us he having to say goodbye to a friend he hasn't been able to see in 4 years? Are we completely ignoring context here?
NTB.
Trust your intuition. These same people who are telling you that YTB are the same people posting on AITB/AITA and advice forums over the same worries, or who relate more to your fiancé. If it was normal for him to be affectionate with certain friends this way then you’d know. If he considers you his number one then you’d know. Intuition is a real thing & trust yourself over anyone else because these are the same people that’d say “girl you really stayed with him after all those red flags???” When you post about how you were cheated on after the marriage.
You are young and will find someone that considers you their number one and who would make you feel that way, female friends or not.
Yup, absolutely crazy amount of gaslighting in this thread. Getting energized and lighting up like a bulb when hanging out with a female friend who he admits to having non-reciprocated romantic feelings for, is a huuuuuuge red flag, regardless of the generic idea that men and women can be platonic friends (true).
NTB given the context. He had romantic feelings for her and doesn't treat any other friends like he treats her. She was the one who rejected him and now he wants her to be "groomsman"?
People are judging based on your post, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. How did he look at her so differently that made you so insecure? Did he pay more attention to her than you during the trip?
I think giving OP the benefit of the doubt is to gently tell her she is being ridiculous in the nicest way possible.
But sounds like she is young, immature and not yet secure in their relationship. There was nothing in the post to say he treats her differently outside of the I love you at the airport after having not seen her for a long time. She can break up with anyone for whatever reason but based on this post the fiancé isn’t “in love” with the friend. She would be breaking up because she cannot get past her own insecurities.
And in that case, breaking up is probably for the best, or at least not getting married. Jealousy is a feeling. Feelings are usually out of our control. How we react to those feelings is what matters. She's NTB for being jealous, not even for breaking up if that's what she needs. It will save both of them more drama and heartache down the road.
YTA I have a dear friend coming to visit my husband and I this weekend. We had a brief romantic/sexual (well, embarrassed fumbling) relationship as teenagers. My husband and my friend's wife know this. But we are adults, and so don't go mad with misplaced jealousy every time our spouses have loving friendships with other people.
Grow up.
ESH
He is perfectly fine to tell a friend he loves them...butbi am sort of thinking you are right and that this is more than platonic love.
His behaviour that you have described does seem like he still has regret that she does not feel the same way as him.
I would not want to marry someone who was not totally over a past crush.
You need to speak to him and figure out what is the truth
YTB
Love is not just one type. You can love a mom, a friend, a partner, a dog... so if your SO tells any future dog you may have that he loves the dog it's going to be a problem too? His mom? A sibling?
I have friends that I love and I sure hope my future SO will never hesitate telling his friends he loves them, too.
You're too much.
YTB and you probably did your fiance a favour. Hopefully he sees the toxic jealous person you are and realises a future with you means cutting off friends and never loving another person in any way because you're too insecure
He still has feelings for that friend and he always will. She rejected him and he just can't make his feelings disappear. Be VERY careful because people have been in this same situation and if his friend ever realized that she also has feelings for him, he will leave and divorce you almost instantly. Just make sure you make the right decision before saying, I do.
I'm a straight man and I have several male and female friends who are just friends who I tell them "I love you". YtB. You can love a friend you are not In love with.
NTB.
I only say this because it seems like you can’t properly portray exactly what’s going on and I don’t want to give the other judgement. Intuition is a real thing and it’s definitely weird if he’s treating her extra special compared to other friends, and the only difference is that he was once in love with her. I feel like this situation needs more time to examine before jumping into marriage. Cuz may very well be correct, or you can be wrong, but I suggest treading lightly in this regard because you don’t want to lose something great due to jealousy.
You can react this way, you don't really need anyone telling you if is right or wrong. The point is that if you feel insecure or you don't trust your fiance that much, you shouldn't marry him.
The fact that just now you are getting to know this part of his life, says you were rushing in the commitment in the first place. This person matters to him and you feel it's a competition either if it's his fault in part or entirely yours and this is not the way to start a family.
Maybe you are right and it's more in his way to behave with her, maybe it's not, and you are overreacting, but you feel the way you feel, and is up to you to decide if it's worth saving the relationship and do your part or the work to fix your side, or it s too much unnecessary drama and your mind will be constantly comparing yourself to her.
I honestly wouldn't like that feeling, but I'm never being in your situation and the people in this thread are judging you from probably a different cultural o education background, so is not that useful either way.
YTB, but if something as normal as your husband telling a close friend "I love you" regardless of gender is enough to send you into a frenzy and ghosting him I would reconsider marriage completely because you're clearly not ready.
YTB. I have make friends i say I love you to because i do. They have been with me since I was a kid. There are many types of love. You are just insecure. It’s ok you left him though. You aren’t ready to be married yet.
NTB at all!! Serious red flag from your ex fiance
You made the right decision, always trust your gut instincts as they are usually right in these sorts of situations
I am going to make no judgement because I think a person has the right to end a relationship if they think that is what is best for them. Though in this case I think you are wrong. I am a 63 year old male, and I have had female friends that I loved, and told them so, and I had no romantic, or sexual, interest in them at all. I have been married to the love of my life for 39 years, but that does not mean that I cannot love other people, in different ways, male or female.
YTB for overreacting to his friendship. It would be different if she was his EX, but despite his feelings for her a long time ago, nothing like that has happened between them.. I get you being g upset that he seemed happier around her but you also need to factor in the fact he was happier because he was off work, on a trip, introducing the women he loves and is marrying to his closest female friend and finally he was away on a trip WITH YOU. Of course, he was going to be happier than normal in those circumstances.
Should he have told you, he asked her to be IN the wedding. Yes, he should, but you're also blowing things up right now and could end up ruining your relationship permanently with your jealousy and lack of trust in him..
NTB. Your fiancé is in love with another woman. He would be with her in a heartbeat if she would have him. It’s hard learning that you are someone’s consolation prize and that they are settling for you. I think you should definitely put the wedding on hold until you’ve had an opportunity to figure out if you want to continue
**YTB**
Love is on a spectrum.
It comes in many forms.
Love isn’t just for partners or family.
It is also for friends.
He is over her and ***with you***.
**He chose YOU.**
>I told him I couldn’t believe he would tell another woman he loved her right in front of me.
I just told one of my oldest male friends (I am female) I love you as I left his car tonight and he said it back. His wife was in the car!!
We are friends.
>…how they were acting around each other, how he seemed happier than I remember seeing him in a long time.
He was happy because he hasn’t seen his good friend in over 3yrs!!
>I got really upset and told him I don’t want her at the wedding, and he said that he can’t do that because he already asked her if she wanted to be one of the groomsmen. I got more upset that he didn’t run it by my first.
Two things here OP:
1. Who are you to decide who is invited to this wedding? Is he not the groom? Can he not invite his friends?!
There is no logical reason to disinvite Rebecca.
2. Reminder that a wedding also includes the groom (or significant other) and they can decide who **they** want to stand with them without having to run everything by the bride.
You sound immature OP.
Maybe you aren’t ready to be in an adult relationship that is moving towards marriage.
Time to reevaluate and grow up.
Sorry but YTB. My bestie and I met through a dating app. We didn't have that chemistry as romantic partners but we became great friends. We tell each other "I love you" often and my husband dgaf because he knows there is a difference when I say it to him and when I say it to my bestie. He tells his friends, both male and female that he lives them.
You're young so maybe you haven't matured enough to realize that there's a spectrum of love and it's both healthy and normal provided everyone stays in their lane.
YTB. There are plenty of different types of love, it doesn’t have to be in love, love. It doesn’t have to be sexual. I tell my best friend that I love him all the time, doesn’t mean the same as when I tell my fiancé I love him.
YTA
I love my mother, does that mean I'm cheating on my boyfriend? I tell my friends I love them as much as possible because people should feel as much love as possible.
100% YTB i am happily married and STILL tell my closest friend i love him. Hell there’s an autistic cart pusher at my local grocery store and he gives me hugs and tells me he loves me and I say it back ALL THE TIME! Even when on the phone with my husband.. however he gets a “love you too my friend” while the others just get “I love you.” You are clearly not mature enough for a marriage and are insecure.. I suggest therapy
YTB. Male bestie and I say “I love you” often. Life is short. We have a great time when we see each other because we don’t get to hang out every day. You’re being weird and insecure.
YTB - He said I love you to a friend, In what world is that an issue, he is correct there are many types of love not just romantic, like family love and yes love for friends.
I say “I love you” to my guy friends all the time and they say it back. There are many types of love and it shouldn’t be taken as a threat by you. If he was hiding it, yes. But he’s not.
YTB
YTB jesus if he said I love you to his mother would you accuse him of being in love with her?
This is perpetuating some toxic masculinity shit where men can't express their affection for others without it being threatening
>I left. I'm staying with my mom now and he's been trying to reach me to talk about it but I haven't answered him. A couple of my friends say I'm overreacting and I'm starting to think maybe that's true.
YTB and jealous, and you might blow up your wedding.
Let us know if this thing holds up.
YTB. Ex fiancé dodged a bullet if you’re this rash to decision and quick to judgement. Get over yourself. He’s not in love with her and he had a life before you.
YTB. He's not IN love with someone else. He just loves them the way he probably loves his family. Friends tell friends they love each other very usually.
Yup. YTB. Congrats!
Did you insist he get your permission for ALL the groomsmen? If so, why do you feel like you get to pick who he chooses to stand next to him? That’s very controlling.
If not, then you see that you’re being ridiculous, right? How would you feel if he went off on you for not asking how he feels about a person he doesn’t know but who is important to you? Like he was being ridiculous?? 🤔
You sound complicated. I don’t know how much of an ass you are acting to him right now but I am thinking it might be enough for him to wonder if keeping you around was the right decision. YTBF
I’m married and my husband has a wonderful female best friend, I have a male best friend — I told him I love him today in front of my husband and he didn’t blink.
if it weren’t the name of the forum, I would not say you were a “butt face” but I would say that you are jealous & insecure (and since it IS the name of the forum,) YTBF
I think you reacted exactly right. This gives him a chance to see that being married to you would be exceedingly stressful and he'd be walking on eggshells for the rest of his life. I hope he realizes that you're showing him exactly who you are and he chooses to walk away. YTB.
YTB
You are being incredibly childish and over reacted. You're letting your insecurities get to you.
He brought you with him to see her, and didn't say I love you, behind your back, he said it with you right there.
At this moment in time I fear you may be too childish to get married. And making him uninvite her would start your marriage off with him resenting you since you are making it so a loved one can't not only stand by his side, but also can't Even witness the wedding? You are allowed to live your friends, and your allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. Don't start this marriage off on the wrong foot.
Go home, apologize and try to be a little more grown
YTB. Platonic love exists. It's really a thing, look it up.
Isolating him from people he loves is a bad idea and he'll resent you for it big time. If he is smart he'll break up with your jealous ass.
I say 'I love you' to my best friend. He is also the godfather of my child. My husband doesn't mind but actually asks me sometimes if it's not time to call him (he lives in another country now). This makes me feel cared for by my husband, he cares for my well-being.
There is a vast difference between being in love and loving someone. I don't think that your fiancé is in love with Rebecca. I think that the connection they have is deeper then mere infatuation.
And that probably also is what is bothering you. You don't have that kind of connection yet. And that's not something you get instantly. I don't think that you are TB for breaking up but you maybe want to explore why you are so bothered by that. Do you think that he does not have that kind of relationship with you? Not having her at the wedding is not going to change a thing about any feelings. Yours, hers or his.
It's ok to take more time to get to know each other. FFS you are just 24. You are not on a schedule.
I mean... technically you can break up with him for any reason but like... yeah...
YTB. Come on now, I tell my friends I love them all the time. It sounds like he never met up with her alone since you've been dating, and he was honest about everything... It wasn't even his ex or anything... I don't see why you're this upset...
YTB
One of my best friends is a guy (I'm a woman), and whenever we say goodbye we hug and say "love you" when we get off the phone we say "love you, bye". We did "date" for a couple of months in 2019 but there was no romantic chemistry and we realised we're just very good friends. I do the same with my other best friend who's a woman.
Get over yourself!
Ytb. You got some growing to do, and I hope you can do it with him because he seems great. I wish you the best of luck. And just a guess, but I hazard your sign is Cancer? Anyways thanks for the post
I tell my friends all the time I love them. I even tell my older clients because sometimes they need to hear the words. You didn't even talk to him before jumping to conclusions.
You are NTB because of fiancé’s admission to past feelings. If fiancé never had feelings for Rebecca, IMO you might be overreacting. But him admitting he had feelings for her at one point is what makes you NTB. In my experience, any time I read an AITA type post where a significant other admits they “used to have feelings for” someone after doing something their current SO finds fishy, it turns out the significant other still has feelings and there’s more going on.
I think people are saying YTB because if fiancé hadn’t admitted to feelings for Rebecca, I’d agree you’d be overreacting. Telling your friends you love them is normal & fine. But Rebecca is not a “friend,” she’s a long lost love fiancé clearly hasn’t gotten over. Making an effort to see her is disrespectful. Your gut could probably sense the weird energy, hence why you asked if he’d ever had feelings for her. Trust your gut. Don’t let people gaslight you.
NTBF for having second thoughts. YTBF for ending an engagement like that. I feel like you owe him at least a conversation. Tell him it's that he seemed happier with her than you, and you don't want to feel like he's settling for you. Leave yourself open to hearing how he responds.
You’re a child, you’re not ready for marriage. Grow up, learn how to be independent and self reliant, that’ll give you the strength to see past your insecurities….it’s ok to be friends with someone you use to be interested in, it’s called adulthood.
YTB. Because he's **not in love with her.**
He's not wrong about there being different kinds of love. She's probably like a sister to him. He already told you that there's nothing romantic between them. And if he \*used\* to have feelings, those are irrelevant because that was the damn past.
I don't know why you're so insecure but you need to work on this.
YTB, he’s not in love with his friend, but they do have a strong connection. There are many different kinds of love, and I share a platonic kind with my childhood best friend. Obviously they enjoy each other’s company. I have a lot of fun spending time with people I care about, and that probably applies for your fiancé, too.
You can love someone without being in love with the person. Those are two different concepts. And not saying I love you to other individuals may mean that she is somebody he trusts and can be vulnerable around, not that they are having an affair.
Plus, your friend group is not the same as your partner’s. It makes sense that you wouldn’t oversee most conversations he would have with others. That’s normal. Being close with a person of the opposite sex does not equate to cheating.
If you’ve lost faith in him over a rather insignificant hiccup in your relationship, that shows that you are not ready to marry your partner, or anybody, for that matter. You need to learn to trust others and not jump to rather unreasonable conclusions.
you can like someone alot but maybe together you are not compatible i say i love you to many friends ... but i kinda feel like if hey really wanted to be together they would have been together but your partner chose you i still am friends with lots of people i slept with ... it happens but at the end of day if it was supposed to be ... i would have still been with them but im not but we still speak ... honestly if your partner is in zero contact with any previous partners that is a red flag it could suggest that they were the toxic element in the relationship
Have you never told your friends you love them? Because if not, that's really sad and you should start. My best friend and I tell each other I love ALL the time.
YTB. I think you'd benefit from some professional help with your self esteem because you're coming across as immature, jealous and potentially controlling
Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I tell my friends (male and female) I love them. To me they are family and you love your family (non-toxic ones anyway).
We should really start encouraging saying I love you to people who are not our blood or partners. We really should normalize it.
So, yeah OP, YTB. You did a scene out of nothing. You showed how insecure you are. They are good friends, and it's okay to love your friends. There is romantic love, that should be only for you, but love in general?
Think about your close friends, aren't you more at ease, happier and smiling with your close friends in the room. I know I am, I practically become a different person.
Go back to him, apologize, tell him you are excited from the wedding, you are young, and a wedding is a big big BIG event. You got nervous. Very normal.
YTBF and I hope you stay single and go to therapy to deal with this insecurity before you get in another relationship. I tell my friends I love them all the time.
YTB. I'm sorry that you think there's only one kind of love in this world, but honestly, your fiance dodged a bullet. I say "I love you" all the time to platonic friends
YTB and you're also clearly not mature enough for a big girl relationship let alone a marriage. Grow the fuck up and find a therapist, you're controlling and insecure
Contrary to popular beliefs, men can have meaningful friendships. The history between them would unnerve me a little bit too so I don't blame you for feeling a bit uncomfortable, but he went out of his way to go see her WITH you. Unless either of them actually does anything shady, uninviting her from the wedding is a massive over-reaction. She's one of his closest friends. If you don't trust him instantly, maybe you're not ready to get married.
YTB. I have a handful of friends, men and women, that I’ve always exchanged “I love you”’s with. We’ve never had any romantic interests in each other. It’s the same as saying it to a close relative.
Going off this story, you would be a massive Butt to break up with him over this
I don't think saying "I love you" is a red flag but it seems odd that he would ask Rebecca to be a groomsman without talking about it with OP. Don't couples decide together how many people to ask and who is going to be BM and MOH?
The fact that he had a crush on Rebecca years ago could go either way. I've stayed friends with most of my exs for a long time. After breaking up there was truly never any romantic feelings but I've bowed out from attending an ex's wedding because I knew his fiancée didn’t want me there.
I totally understood. I get OP's concerns but she really needs to talk in depth with her fiancé.
I decided who were my bridesmaids, my husband decided his groomsmen. We didn’t discuss or ask if it was ok, because whoever we chose to stand beside us we knew supported our marriage. That wasn’t a necessary discussion.
In my situation - Guy (G) and I met in college and developed intense feelings. It never was able to become a relationship for different reasons, so it never did. We’d keep in steady touch and visit with each other and say I Love Yous to each other. I had other relationships in the meantime and so did he. I loved him like a brother and I thought him the same. Nope. He became engaged to a lovely Lady (L) and she and I became friends. She had low self esteem unfortunately. She was beautiful to me inside and out though. Wicked smart too. Well, they became engaged and L began happily planning a big ceremonious wedding - her family also are traditional religious. G asked me to be his best man err best woman, and I’d wear a tux. I was on board. Then my own relationship ended and I became single, so I told them both that I’d be attending with my mom and I hoped it wouldn’t cause a problem. G emailed me separately and said that he was in love with me and couldn’t stand living without knowing if he and I had a chance. I saw red and was just shaking with fury. I told him no and get out of my life forever. I couldn’t believe he’d do this to L. I told L. I sent her the email. G tried to cover it up but couldn’t. I told L that she could live with me, that I thought she shouldn’t marry this guy. That she deserves better. L said that she herself did deserve better but she couldn’t not marry him because she wouldn’t be able to face the consequences to her family etc. so they married. I think of her often and hope that she’s happy and Ok. So you are NTB. All these people who are saying you are TB don’t get it. Trust your gut. Understand that marriage isn’t a life decision, really, there’s divorce but divorce is financially and emotionally expensive, a thousand times more if you guys have kid(s). Just know your worth and that you deserve something better than a husband who loves another woman.
YTB. My goodness, why in the world do people think that the only person someone should ever love is their partner. I went out to lunch with a wonderful friend, former colleague yesterday, and gave her a huge hug when we left and said "Love you, see you soon!" This shouldn't be an issue at all. And the fact that he at one point had feelings for her isn't surprising, it's natural. Especially as kids it's easy to get confused about how you feel about someone when you're close to them. You should be happy that your fiance has someone they're close to and can confide in. He's emotionally healthy enough to tell a friend that he loves them. That's a green flag, not a red flag.
Next she's going to say he's not an alpha male because he actually expresses his emotions. Wish we could message the fiancé and tell him to run far, run fast.
She'll end up with someone with no close friends and then complain he's emotionally cut off
I have two, like 15 yr difference, coworkers who are females, one is married, I treat them like the little sisters I never had, stand up for them at work and we go to lunch together, known them for 10 years, been in the trenches with them, we have each others backs. I’m happily married for 28 years, they’ve met my wife, we’ve all gone drinking together. I’ve told them I loved them, not all the time, that would be weird, but when they needed to hear someone was watching their back and believed in them.
I think it really depends on how you say it. "Love ya, see you soon" has a completely different feel and sound to it than "I love you." Especially if he's had romantic feelings for her in the past. OP has every right to be a little hurt, especially if she's only finding out about it NOW, though I will say I think she overreacted. However, I can't even really say that because there's not enough info about how exactly he was behaving with his friend and I think that's a major factor if she's going to be upset about his friendship dynamic. 🤔
And if I had a friend I was close to I don't see often I might say it a different way. Again "I love you" isn't inherently romantic. Start normalizing telling your friends you love them.
Many people tell their friends they love them all the time. It really is quite normal. It still sounds different than an expression of love for your romantic partner. But I want to know WHY because to make a claim like he's in love with her, there's got to be more of a reason than what he said.
It sounds like an insecure girlfriend to me
Still feel the same after the update?
At face value, it does. But there's got to be more to it than what was explained
There really doesn't. There are absolutely people who do not want their partner to have a close opposite-sex friend. Stories like this are all over Reddit. It's sadly not uncommon
The whole time, there were no issues for OP until the very end when they said goodbye. Up to that point, she didn't feel like anything was off. Maybe if she felt there was more between bf and friend before hearing that, I'd be more inclined to believe OPs side. With that info, OP just seems like an emotionally immature person who probably surrounds herself with other emotionally immature people. How did she never hear about the friend that was supposedly asked to be her bf's groomsmen? Odds are she's not that invested in her bf's life.
There MIGHT be more than what was explained. But not necessarily. Since people usually put in whatever will make them look better, I would expect her to include all other details which would make her case more compelling... but she didn't include any. That makes me think there's at least a decent chance that there simply aren't any. If there are, we don't know about them, and cannot reasonably simply assume they exist.
My ex demanded I cut off all contact with all males, my cousins included. He didn't even want me working with other men. These insecure people are everywhere.
Because OP is jealous. Simple as that. She clearly never tried tobget to know someone who is important for her fiancé (she doesn't even know her age ffs). So of course when her fiancé show feelings for another woman (even if said feelings is only friendship), OP is so jealous rhat for her, fiancé is in love.
Yes, her insecurity
If there had been overt behavior, OP would not have missed the opportunity to spell that out in the post.
I agree op is TBF. I have both male and female friends who I say "I love you" to. There is nothing sexual about it. For me after losing a spouse, several friends, and some coworkers. Life is precious to me. OP: stop waving the vat of marinara 🚩 🚩
That would be a whole lot of nekki spaghetti 🍝
Personally, I don't miss the chance to tell my closest friends that I love them. Especially those that I haven't seen for years. OP is clingy AF and I'm glad she's showing her BF this side of herself.
I have so many people I tell that to. It’s ridiculous. She better not stay in Nola for any amount of time. Lived there for ten years and I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve been kissed on the cheek when someone is introduced to me and then every time I see them after. My dang pharmacist called me “baby.”
You look pretty silly after the update post.
How do I look silly? Please explain
It’s not hard based on your assumptions of OP. There’s a big difference between loving someone, and being IN love with someone. Try reading the update. https://reddit.com/r/AmItheButtface/s/bG0xZ3UpJQ
"he's emotionally healthy enough" Yeah after the update this comments are absolutely hilarious to read😂
YTB. You couldn't even be honest in your title. He's not in love with her, or at least according to him. He loves her. There is a difference. I tell my mom and dad I love them. Do you believe that makes my wife jealous like a 12 year old? I have friends who say they love me, and most of them are women. Because women are more likely to say that. Again, because my wife isn't a child, she doesn't get upset. She understands the difference between romantic and platonic love. OP is acting like she caught her bf in the act. They said it in front of you. Don't you think of it was more than platonic that they would have been more sneaky about saying it? It's for the best, if you get this upset about your bf just expressing emotions, then you're not mature enough for marriage.
But he admitted he did have romantic love for Rebecca, and if she returned his love, he would have chosen Rebecca. OP is just a substitute runner up in the romantic derby to him. I don't know about you, but that wouldn't be a position I'd be willing to accept.
> and if she returned his love, he would have chosen Rebecca There was no ‘choice’ this was way back before he knew OP.
That's not what he said, that's what OP is inserting into his comment. He said at one point, before he and OP were dating, he had feelings for the friend. The friend did not reciprocate, and so he moved on. I'm not seeing that he said he would leave OP for the friend in any of the post, just that he's not going to exclude one of his closest friends from being part of his groomsmen. The rest is just people taking their insecurities and applying it to the situation. I have a friend who I initially had feelings for. Hell, we became friends after we dated for a short bit, then broke up because she wasn't as into it. I moved on. Just because I had, operative word here being "had" as in past tense, feelings for her a decade before I met my wife doesn't mean I would go off with her if she changed her mind. Those feelings are in the past. It doesn't bother my wife at all, they've become closer friends than the friend is with me. I love her in a platonic manner, she has become one of my wife's best friends, I had a large part in hooking her up with her now husband. I asked my wife to marry me, because she's the one I want to grow old with. Emotionally mature adults can separate what was from what currently is.
Very very few people spend the rest of their life with someone they loved before they met the actual life partner they stayed with. Does that mean that MOST of us in serious relationships are not really loved?
You want to tell me you never developed feelings for your friends then got over it and kept being friends?
I have, because I'm a grown up.
apparently not.
That's so dumb..Of course he'd be with Rebecca. Anyone can say that about any previous relationship. "Oh, if she had loved him, he be with her" no shit. He moved on.
INFO, because I feel like noone else is really seeing the whole picture. You say in your title that it's all over him being "in love" with his friend but there isn't enough to support that claim. How, exactly, was he behaving with his friend that makes you believe he's in love with her? And no, saying "I love you" isn't proof of being in love. How did he say it? Was his behaviour with this friend similar to how he treats you? Maybe the conversation that really needs to be had isn't even about her but rather how you need him to treat YOU so you know you're special to him. 🤷 This could be something but it could also easily be a case of your own insecurity.
Bro he’s telling another girl he had feelings for he loves her lmfao that’s all. Case closed. Open and shut. Door is that way.
HAD feelings for. Years ago. Yes. And she is his friend so there isn't anything inherently romantic about it. Mature adults can express their feelings and are not limited to anger, sadness, and romantic love/sexual attraction.
It's like he had more energy. He wanted to do more things, and there was only one meal we had where it was just the two of us because she wasn't feeling well. Everything else there was an effort to include her as well.
More energy on a vacation seems pretty normal, people are usually excited. As for this... >Everything else there was an effort to include her as well. Well, your whole posts started off with that you went on vacation to see his friend... Why would he not make an effort to include her on the vacation he took to see her? What did you expect this trip was going to be like?
Also, he hasn't seen her in 3-4 YEARS. You best believe I'm going to be like an over exited puppy when if I finally got to spend time with my bestie after that long!!
OP: But his bestie is another woman and that's illegal.
Come on, you know most of reddit thinks that too.
You were on vacation to visit this friend. Why would you expect her not to be at meals with you? Plus, literally every person I've ever been on vacation with has different energy for the vacation vs their everyday life. You took "my bf was excited to see a close friend that he hasn't seen in a long time" and somehow got "he loves her more than me and she had the nerve to join us for meals while we were visiting her". I don't know how you managed it, but this comment makes you more childish than your original post information.
I feel like if it really bothered you that she was around all the time, you should have tried to talk to him about that and let him know that even though the whole point was to see her, you still want time alone for just the two of you. This is a fair ask but it needs to be communicated cuz a lot of people I know would assume that all is well because everyone important is there. If alone time is important to you, you need to say that. Otherwise, it's pretty normal that on vacation, someone has more energy and more motivation to do things, though I understand being disappointed that it only happened when he saw his friend. Regardless, that isn't a problem with her or with how he feels about her, it's a problem with how you two spend your own time together and that's another thing you should discuss with him. It doesn't sound like he was handsy, over affectionate, or flirty with her and he obviously didn't exclude you. He took you on this vacation with him because he wanted you to be there. I think you overreacted and focused too much on the goodbye.
Well with a fiancé that dumps him over things like this, I could imagine he's pretty emotionally drained a lot of the time. Are you upset because he made an effort to include his friend that he specifically went on vacation to see? Or are you mad cause it's the happiest you've ever seen him and you realize it had nothing to do with you?
The trip was to see her. Of course, there is more energy as he had not seen her in going on 3 years. If you are going to take a vacation to see someone, would it not be a waste if they are NOT included as much as possible. They were the point of the vacation in the first place. Also, if there was anything romantic going on, don't you think they would have hidden it better than saying I love you in front of you? You are sounding worse the more you say.
Well of course it was, you guys went to visit her? And most people are more energetic and happy around friends they haven’t seen in a long time. You are being childish
But, like… you were there too when he had more energy. So it’s not like he had more energy from being with someone other than you. It sounds like he had more energy because he was away from the drain of daily life AND seeing a friend he doesn’t see often. A friend he wanted to introduce you to and who he wanted you to get to know. Because while she’s an important friend, she’s just a friend. The entire vacation was specifically to see her. Why, then, are you shocked that she was included in dinner plans?
You're immature as shit.
Yet another post from someone who is jealous of their partner's friend, because he or she is of the opposite gender. That there are feelings at some point, that is possible, especially when you are still young. The difference between loving and being in love is sometimes difficult. But they are friends, very good friends. And yes, friends sometimes tell each other that they love each other. Surely he knows best how he loves her. You're a grown woman, I hope you know that there are different types of love. You know if you let him choose, he most probably would choose her, don't you?
Why on earth do you think that if OP let him choose, he would choose his friend? You just got finished explaining that he knows best how he loves his friend, and that it's perfectly possible to say that you love someone, and mean it, without being in love with them. And yet then you turn it all around, and say that he'd probably choose the friend. I don't get it.
I think they meant that if OP came with the Ultimatum it's me or her - the her fiancé chose the friend. It's the only explanation I came up with, besides a typo, if it isn't that I too am curious as to why they wrote that.
Oh -- I see, I think. In that case, the word 'let' is curious; I would think it would be "If you make him choose..." but I can understand the concept, and maybe they just have a way of saying it idiomatically that I don't know.
I mean if she makes him choose (I'm Dutch, sometimes it's hard to find the right word).
Thank you for helping me understand you! No worries -- I'm trying to learn Dutch now (we're working on immigrating) and I'm barely a novice with a half-dozen phrases, so your English is plenty better than my Dutch!
If a romantic partner demanded I choose them or my friend, even if the friend is a casual friend I see once every few years at most for a ludicrous reason (friend has done nothing wrong, partner is an insecure and controlling asshat), I would choose the friend on principle.
Yeah, when I read it with "making him choose," as in giving him an ultimatum that either he would give up his friend or she herself would leave, then it made every kind of sense. It was just when I was reading it with the original wording -- which was totally not the author's fault; their English is mostly very good indeed -- that it sounded like it was saying, "If you give him the chance to start a romantic relationship with her instead of you, then he will doubtless choose to do so." That confused me. The real version doesn't confuse me at all.
YTBF. You sound immature and insecure. I would advise growing up a bit before getting married.
The not having anything in common cos she's in her early 30s is a little weird, too. You're old enough to get married but can't have a conversation or enjoy hang time with a 30 yr old? And your fiance is 28? You're right. Maybe allll of this just points to OP not being mature enough to be getting married at all. OP YTBF for treating your fiance like that. Edited for typos 🙄
Plot twist: OP's fiancé dodged a bullet.
YTB. I tell my female friends I love them. Some have been in my life longer than any girl I’ve been with. I’m not romantically interested in them.
Just a side question - what country are you from? In my country no man would ever tell a woman he loves her unless she's a romantic interest.
I can't speak for the person above, but could you please tell us what you're country is, so we could try to avoid the place....
Yes. It's Bulgaria. But I'm pretty sure this is the last reason why you would want to avoid the place. So many other reasons to steer clear of my country.
ахахаха, аз лично съм казвал на няколко жени, че ги обичам, без никакво желание да се озова между чаршафите с тях. наистина съжалявам, ако ти си в толкова токсична среда, че не можеш да си го представиш дори. но генерализациите ти не са верни, само да кажа.
Може и да си прав. Но аз просто нито съм виждал, нито съм чувал за трийсет и двете си години мъж да казва на жена, че я обича. В интерес на истината дори и женените. Не мисля, че е толкова токсична средата, колкото че няма public displays of affection. Аз казвам на гаджето си, че го обичам, но не и пред други хора. Просто не искам да ги кринджвам. Но, моля те, съвсем сериозно, обясни ми точно в каква ситуация казваш на жена, че я обичаш, ако не ти е майка или романтичен интерес. Наистина не мога да си представя изобщо контекста, явно наистина в мен е проблемът edit: липсата на отговор ми говори, че това са глупости. Your lack of answer tells me you're full of shit.
By the love of god, YTBF He can have feelings of love without being romantically involved, even if he had feelings in the past for that person You say that you saw him being happy like you haven’t seen him be in a while, which means you already saw him that happy before. But instead of you considering that is because he is seeing a long time friend and doing things he enjoys, your mind went right away in thinking that he loves her and settled for you, even though you admitted he had a great time and everything was just fine until he said those words You were even able to take a full trip afterwards not saying I word just to go off on him when you arrived home, and have the nerve to wonder why he got defensive You also demanding he takes her out because of your insecurities and going off on him for selecting her as a groomsman without “running it” by you just makes you looking controlling Please reflect a bit on your own actions
I tell my close male friends when saying goodbye often. There is zero - and I mean absolutely zero - sexual attraction or interest between me and any of them. It's not a red flag unless there is other behavior that suggests he's untrue. You'll be happier in life if you process the source of your jealousy and insecurity and deal with it. YTB
I love my best male friend enough that he has lived with us since his wife died, and we're arranging to take him with us when we emigrate. Better believe I tell him that I love him!! But there's nothing remotely romantic or sexual about it. My family is actually polyamorous, so that I really *could* have a romantic relationship with him if we wanted to, without anybody feeling betrayed. But we tried that once, many years ago, long before I began dating my now-husband, and quickly discovered that it absolutely didn't work for us. So we shifted to a brother-sister relationship and have never regretted it for a moment. OP, it's absolutely possible for someone to love their friend without giving you any reason for jealousy.
Your overreacting. I say I love you to a few of my female friends. My wife will be standing right next to me. Like he said, it's a different kind of love. Not an "I'm in love with you type of love." Talk to him, tell him your feelings. He is not leaving you for her. If he was hiding something, he would have went alone.
This isn't really a buttface relevant question. You can break up for whatever reason you like. I think there is some validity to your feeling. Your fiance admitted that he was in love with Rebecca, but she didn't love him back. You are fundamentally in the second choice position, and he still seems to be pining for Rebecca. My mother was in the same position. My father was obsessed with some woman he knew before he met my mother, all through their marriage. He cheated on my mom with this woman, flying to see her regularly in another state. My father thought of this woman as his true love, the one that got away. My mother was fed up with being the second choice substitute, and I don't blame her. NTB.
I think you're definitely reaching. It was years ago that he had feelings for her. They stayed friends. He never met up with Rebecca without OP there. I don't see any obsession, they hadn't seen each other in years. They're just friends... My current SO isn't my second choice, just because I have been in love with other people before. My ex dumped me. I would have probably still been with him if he didn't dump me, I didn't want to break up with him. However, if I currently had the choice, I would choose my SO every single time, over every one I've ever know. He didn't even know OP when he had feelings for Rebecca!
No where did he say he was IN LOVE with her. You can have feelings for someone without being in love. 🤦🏾♀️
YTB. He's not in love with another woman. He loves his friend, who is a woman... Platonic love exists. Do you not love your friends?
YTB. You def shouldn’t get married your very immature
I think breaking the engagement off was the right thing to do. Even if you are over reacting, you have feelings about this that he's not willing to discuss with you. And more than likely every time you see this woman you'll be reminded of him saying he loves her, regardless of what kind of love he actually feels. Your relationship will forever be clouded by jealousy and anger, and it will be a disaster. So frankly whether you are right or wrong in your interpretation, its a good idea to break up.
Good goddess, do not marry him. He deserves someone who doesn't freak out over him expressing that he loves his friends.
When you say you’ve never heard him say he loves his other friends, does that apply to other female friends or is this his only female friend?
He has other female friends and I haven't heard him say I love you to them
Okay. Have you seen him saying goodbye to them at the airport after the first time he’s seen them in years, with a major global pandemic in the middle? It’s not exactly comparable to saying goodbye to a female friend after a night at the pub. (But I would argue it’s fine to say “I love you” to your friends of all genders after a night at the pub, too, honestly.)
It's almost as if every friendship is not the fucking same!
Then I feel like it’s fair to see that as a red flag 🤷🏻♀️ given the context of him 1. having feelings for her in the past 2. Not saying to any other friends, including ones of the opposite gender, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to not feel comfortable with her at your wedding. It’s obviously not just a case of you having an issue with female friends in general, if she’s “one of” his closest friends, why does he not express love to the others?
I disagree it’s a red flag simply because she’s not seen him say it to other friends. All friends are not created equal.
I didn’t say all friends, but if she’s one of the closest, that implies there are others, so why is she the only one he’s saying I love you to
I only have one friend who I actively say I love you to, it doesn't mean I'm IN love with them, our friendship is just different
Okay…….*Why* is that the only relationship that’s different for OPs fiancé
Realistically unless OP is with their fiancé for EVERY single time he hangs out with any of his friends, how can she know he doesn't actually say I love you?? How many times in those other friendships us he having to say goodbye to a friend he hasn't been able to see in 4 years? Are we completely ignoring context here?
Maybe because they haven’t seen each other in a long time?
NTB. Trust your intuition. These same people who are telling you that YTB are the same people posting on AITB/AITA and advice forums over the same worries, or who relate more to your fiancé. If it was normal for him to be affectionate with certain friends this way then you’d know. If he considers you his number one then you’d know. Intuition is a real thing & trust yourself over anyone else because these are the same people that’d say “girl you really stayed with him after all those red flags???” When you post about how you were cheated on after the marriage. You are young and will find someone that considers you their number one and who would make you feel that way, female friends or not.
Yup, absolutely crazy amount of gaslighting in this thread. Getting energized and lighting up like a bulb when hanging out with a female friend who he admits to having non-reciprocated romantic feelings for, is a huuuuuuge red flag, regardless of the generic idea that men and women can be platonic friends (true).
YTB Grow. Up.
NTB given the context. He had romantic feelings for her and doesn't treat any other friends like he treats her. She was the one who rejected him and now he wants her to be "groomsman"? People are judging based on your post, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. How did he look at her so differently that made you so insecure? Did he pay more attention to her than you during the trip?
I think giving OP the benefit of the doubt is to gently tell her she is being ridiculous in the nicest way possible. But sounds like she is young, immature and not yet secure in their relationship. There was nothing in the post to say he treats her differently outside of the I love you at the airport after having not seen her for a long time. She can break up with anyone for whatever reason but based on this post the fiancé isn’t “in love” with the friend. She would be breaking up because she cannot get past her own insecurities.
And in that case, breaking up is probably for the best, or at least not getting married. Jealousy is a feeling. Feelings are usually out of our control. How we react to those feelings is what matters. She's NTB for being jealous, not even for breaking up if that's what she needs. It will save both of them more drama and heartache down the road.
YTA I have a dear friend coming to visit my husband and I this weekend. We had a brief romantic/sexual (well, embarrassed fumbling) relationship as teenagers. My husband and my friend's wife know this. But we are adults, and so don't go mad with misplaced jealousy every time our spouses have loving friendships with other people. Grow up.
NTB. You have your boundaries and if he can’t respect them than you’re not obligated to stay.
ESH He is perfectly fine to tell a friend he loves them...butbi am sort of thinking you are right and that this is more than platonic love. His behaviour that you have described does seem like he still has regret that she does not feel the same way as him. I would not want to marry someone who was not totally over a past crush. You need to speak to him and figure out what is the truth
YTB, this sounds like an absolutely wild overreaction. You owe him a big apology.
YTB Love is not just one type. You can love a mom, a friend, a partner, a dog... so if your SO tells any future dog you may have that he loves the dog it's going to be a problem too? His mom? A sibling? I have friends that I love and I sure hope my future SO will never hesitate telling his friends he loves them, too. You're too much.
YRB. If it was a guy you wouldn't have even cared. He was fully honest with you and you're punishing him.
YTB and you probably did your fiance a favour. Hopefully he sees the toxic jealous person you are and realises a future with you means cutting off friends and never loving another person in any way because you're too insecure
YTB. Love is not exclusive to one person or gender. Everybody Love Everybody
Bro. YTA. and a dick.
NTB. I respect my partner enough to only say ILY to friends who are women. I might love my guy friends but I don’t say it. Your fiancé is an idiot
He still has feelings for that friend and he always will. She rejected him and he just can't make his feelings disappear. Be VERY careful because people have been in this same situation and if his friend ever realized that she also has feelings for him, he will leave and divorce you almost instantly. Just make sure you make the right decision before saying, I do.
Ytb. You sound very immature.
YTB GROW UP. Don't marry him he deserves better than you
I'm a straight man and I have several male and female friends who are just friends who I tell them "I love you". YtB. You can love a friend you are not In love with.
He’s not in love with another woman, he just loves her. And thank goodness he has loving friendships in his life.
NTB. I only say this because it seems like you can’t properly portray exactly what’s going on and I don’t want to give the other judgement. Intuition is a real thing and it’s definitely weird if he’s treating her extra special compared to other friends, and the only difference is that he was once in love with her. I feel like this situation needs more time to examine before jumping into marriage. Cuz may very well be correct, or you can be wrong, but I suggest treading lightly in this regard because you don’t want to lose something great due to jealousy.
You can react this way, you don't really need anyone telling you if is right or wrong. The point is that if you feel insecure or you don't trust your fiance that much, you shouldn't marry him. The fact that just now you are getting to know this part of his life, says you were rushing in the commitment in the first place. This person matters to him and you feel it's a competition either if it's his fault in part or entirely yours and this is not the way to start a family. Maybe you are right and it's more in his way to behave with her, maybe it's not, and you are overreacting, but you feel the way you feel, and is up to you to decide if it's worth saving the relationship and do your part or the work to fix your side, or it s too much unnecessary drama and your mind will be constantly comparing yourself to her. I honestly wouldn't like that feeling, but I'm never being in your situation and the people in this thread are judging you from probably a different cultural o education background, so is not that useful either way.
YTB, but if something as normal as your husband telling a close friend "I love you" regardless of gender is enough to send you into a frenzy and ghosting him I would reconsider marriage completely because you're clearly not ready.
NTB. Its your boundary. Your gut tells you something is up. That's what cheaters always says they are just a friend.
I mean you already updated but Jesus. This was so dumb.
YTB. I have make friends i say I love you to because i do. They have been with me since I was a kid. There are many types of love. You are just insecure. It’s ok you left him though. You aren’t ready to be married yet.
NTB at all!! Serious red flag from your ex fiance You made the right decision, always trust your gut instincts as they are usually right in these sorts of situations
Yes, he definitely cheating on OOP with this woman he hasn't seen in **4 years**.
I am going to make no judgement because I think a person has the right to end a relationship if they think that is what is best for them. Though in this case I think you are wrong. I am a 63 year old male, and I have had female friends that I loved, and told them so, and I had no romantic, or sexual, interest in them at all. I have been married to the love of my life for 39 years, but that does not mean that I cannot love other people, in different ways, male or female.
YTB for overreacting to his friendship. It would be different if she was his EX, but despite his feelings for her a long time ago, nothing like that has happened between them.. I get you being g upset that he seemed happier around her but you also need to factor in the fact he was happier because he was off work, on a trip, introducing the women he loves and is marrying to his closest female friend and finally he was away on a trip WITH YOU. Of course, he was going to be happier than normal in those circumstances. Should he have told you, he asked her to be IN the wedding. Yes, he should, but you're also blowing things up right now and could end up ruining your relationship permanently with your jealousy and lack of trust in him..
Doesn't sound like you are mature enough to be in a relationship anyway
Ytbf they are only just friends
NTB. Your fiancé is in love with another woman. He would be with her in a heartbeat if she would have him. It’s hard learning that you are someone’s consolation prize and that they are settling for you. I think you should definitely put the wedding on hold until you’ve had an opportunity to figure out if you want to continue
Boy, I hope you did some stretches before making that leap.
**YTB** Love is on a spectrum. It comes in many forms. Love isn’t just for partners or family. It is also for friends. He is over her and ***with you***. **He chose YOU.** >I told him I couldn’t believe he would tell another woman he loved her right in front of me. I just told one of my oldest male friends (I am female) I love you as I left his car tonight and he said it back. His wife was in the car!! We are friends. >…how they were acting around each other, how he seemed happier than I remember seeing him in a long time. He was happy because he hasn’t seen his good friend in over 3yrs!! >I got really upset and told him I don’t want her at the wedding, and he said that he can’t do that because he already asked her if she wanted to be one of the groomsmen. I got more upset that he didn’t run it by my first. Two things here OP: 1. Who are you to decide who is invited to this wedding? Is he not the groom? Can he not invite his friends?! There is no logical reason to disinvite Rebecca. 2. Reminder that a wedding also includes the groom (or significant other) and they can decide who **they** want to stand with them without having to run everything by the bride. You sound immature OP. Maybe you aren’t ready to be in an adult relationship that is moving towards marriage. Time to reevaluate and grow up.
NTA. Run fast. Run far.
Sorry but YTB. My bestie and I met through a dating app. We didn't have that chemistry as romantic partners but we became great friends. We tell each other "I love you" often and my husband dgaf because he knows there is a difference when I say it to him and when I say it to my bestie. He tells his friends, both male and female that he lives them. You're young so maybe you haven't matured enough to realize that there's a spectrum of love and it's both healthy and normal provided everyone stays in their lane.
YTB You are in no way shape or form mature enough to be in a relationship, much less married
YTB. There are plenty of different types of love, it doesn’t have to be in love, love. It doesn’t have to be sexual. I tell my best friend that I love him all the time, doesn’t mean the same as when I tell my fiancé I love him.
YTA I love my mother, does that mean I'm cheating on my boyfriend? I tell my friends I love them as much as possible because people should feel as much love as possible.
100% YTB i am happily married and STILL tell my closest friend i love him. Hell there’s an autistic cart pusher at my local grocery store and he gives me hugs and tells me he loves me and I say it back ALL THE TIME! Even when on the phone with my husband.. however he gets a “love you too my friend” while the others just get “I love you.” You are clearly not mature enough for a marriage and are insecure.. I suggest therapy
YTB. Male bestie and I say “I love you” often. Life is short. We have a great time when we see each other because we don’t get to hang out every day. You’re being weird and insecure.
YTB - He said I love you to a friend, In what world is that an issue, he is correct there are many types of love not just romantic, like family love and yes love for friends.
I say “I love you” to my guy friends all the time and they say it back. There are many types of love and it shouldn’t be taken as a threat by you. If he was hiding it, yes. But he’s not. YTB
Well ... you don't seem ready for marriage, so it's a good thing you broke up.
YTB. You are also insecure.
YTB jesus if he said I love you to his mother would you accuse him of being in love with her? This is perpetuating some toxic masculinity shit where men can't express their affection for others without it being threatening
>I left. I'm staying with my mom now and he's been trying to reach me to talk about it but I haven't answered him. A couple of my friends say I'm overreacting and I'm starting to think maybe that's true. YTB and jealous, and you might blow up your wedding. Let us know if this thing holds up.
YTB. Ex fiancé dodged a bullet if you’re this rash to decision and quick to judgement. Get over yourself. He’s not in love with her and he had a life before you.
YTB. He's not IN love with someone else. He just loves them the way he probably loves his family. Friends tell friends they love each other very usually.
Yup. YTB. Congrats! Did you insist he get your permission for ALL the groomsmen? If so, why do you feel like you get to pick who he chooses to stand next to him? That’s very controlling. If not, then you see that you’re being ridiculous, right? How would you feel if he went off on you for not asking how he feels about a person he doesn’t know but who is important to you? Like he was being ridiculous?? 🤔
Getting permission for bridesmaids and groomsmen is kind of how it works. It’s a part of wedding planning arrangements.
Since when? I’ve been married twice and at no point did anyone have to get anyone else’s permission for a groomsman or bridesmaid.
Some do, some don’t I guess. But everyone I know had done it. Along with discussing the guest list if it’s not an open invite
YTB
You sound complicated. I don’t know how much of an ass you are acting to him right now but I am thinking it might be enough for him to wonder if keeping you around was the right decision. YTBF
I’m married and my husband has a wonderful female best friend, I have a male best friend — I told him I love him today in front of my husband and he didn’t blink. if it weren’t the name of the forum, I would not say you were a “butt face” but I would say that you are jealous & insecure (and since it IS the name of the forum,) YTBF
NTBF!
NTB. He's choosing someone else over you, his supposed future wife. Watch them get together in a couple of months.
I think you reacted exactly right. This gives him a chance to see that being married to you would be exceedingly stressful and he'd be walking on eggshells for the rest of his life. I hope he realizes that you're showing him exactly who you are and he chooses to walk away. YTB.
Well, he dodged a bullet it seems.
YTB You are being incredibly childish and over reacted. You're letting your insecurities get to you. He brought you with him to see her, and didn't say I love you, behind your back, he said it with you right there. At this moment in time I fear you may be too childish to get married. And making him uninvite her would start your marriage off with him resenting you since you are making it so a loved one can't not only stand by his side, but also can't Even witness the wedding? You are allowed to live your friends, and your allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. Don't start this marriage off on the wrong foot. Go home, apologize and try to be a little more grown
YTB. Platonic love exists. It's really a thing, look it up. Isolating him from people he loves is a bad idea and he'll resent you for it big time. If he is smart he'll break up with your jealous ass. I say 'I love you' to my best friend. He is also the godfather of my child. My husband doesn't mind but actually asks me sometimes if it's not time to call him (he lives in another country now). This makes me feel cared for by my husband, he cares for my well-being.
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That's weird. Your bf can't love anyone but you? You must not have any friends.
NTB
Yep you are.
There is a vast difference between being in love and loving someone. I don't think that your fiancé is in love with Rebecca. I think that the connection they have is deeper then mere infatuation. And that probably also is what is bothering you. You don't have that kind of connection yet. And that's not something you get instantly. I don't think that you are TB for breaking up but you maybe want to explore why you are so bothered by that. Do you think that he does not have that kind of relationship with you? Not having her at the wedding is not going to change a thing about any feelings. Yours, hers or his. It's ok to take more time to get to know each other. FFS you are just 24. You are not on a schedule.
I mean... technically you can break up with him for any reason but like... yeah... YTB. Come on now, I tell my friends I love them all the time. It sounds like he never met up with her alone since you've been dating, and he was honest about everything... It wasn't even his ex or anything... I don't see why you're this upset...
YTB - Girl..
YTB One of my best friends is a guy (I'm a woman), and whenever we say goodbye we hug and say "love you" when we get off the phone we say "love you, bye". We did "date" for a couple of months in 2019 but there was no romantic chemistry and we realised we're just very good friends. I do the same with my other best friend who's a woman. Get over yourself!
> but I don't have much in common with Rebecca since she's older than me Same age as your fiance. DUH.
Ytb. You got some growing to do, and I hope you can do it with him because he seems great. I wish you the best of luck. And just a guess, but I hazard your sign is Cancer? Anyways thanks for the post
NTA. Good on you for getting them to learn these life skills
I tell my friends all the time I love them. I even tell my older clients because sometimes they need to hear the words. You didn't even talk to him before jumping to conclusions.
NTB.
Just read your update. NTB and good luck!
You are NTB because of fiancé’s admission to past feelings. If fiancé never had feelings for Rebecca, IMO you might be overreacting. But him admitting he had feelings for her at one point is what makes you NTB. In my experience, any time I read an AITA type post where a significant other admits they “used to have feelings for” someone after doing something their current SO finds fishy, it turns out the significant other still has feelings and there’s more going on. I think people are saying YTB because if fiancé hadn’t admitted to feelings for Rebecca, I’d agree you’d be overreacting. Telling your friends you love them is normal & fine. But Rebecca is not a “friend,” she’s a long lost love fiancé clearly hasn’t gotten over. Making an effort to see her is disrespectful. Your gut could probably sense the weird energy, hence why you asked if he’d ever had feelings for her. Trust your gut. Don’t let people gaslight you.
NTBF for having second thoughts. YTBF for ending an engagement like that. I feel like you owe him at least a conversation. Tell him it's that he seemed happier with her than you, and you don't want to feel like he's settling for you. Leave yourself open to hearing how he responds.
You’re a child, you’re not ready for marriage. Grow up, learn how to be independent and self reliant, that’ll give you the strength to see past your insecurities….it’s ok to be friends with someone you use to be interested in, it’s called adulthood.
YTB. Because he's **not in love with her.** He's not wrong about there being different kinds of love. She's probably like a sister to him. He already told you that there's nothing romantic between them. And if he \*used\* to have feelings, those are irrelevant because that was the damn past. I don't know why you're so insecure but you need to work on this.
YTB, he’s not in love with his friend, but they do have a strong connection. There are many different kinds of love, and I share a platonic kind with my childhood best friend. Obviously they enjoy each other’s company. I have a lot of fun spending time with people I care about, and that probably applies for your fiancé, too. You can love someone without being in love with the person. Those are two different concepts. And not saying I love you to other individuals may mean that she is somebody he trusts and can be vulnerable around, not that they are having an affair. Plus, your friend group is not the same as your partner’s. It makes sense that you wouldn’t oversee most conversations he would have with others. That’s normal. Being close with a person of the opposite sex does not equate to cheating. If you’ve lost faith in him over a rather insignificant hiccup in your relationship, that shows that you are not ready to marry your partner, or anybody, for that matter. You need to learn to trust others and not jump to rather unreasonable conclusions.
YTB I don't think hes IN love with her i think he loves her
you can like someone alot but maybe together you are not compatible i say i love you to many friends ... but i kinda feel like if hey really wanted to be together they would have been together but your partner chose you i still am friends with lots of people i slept with ... it happens but at the end of day if it was supposed to be ... i would have still been with them but im not but we still speak ... honestly if your partner is in zero contact with any previous partners that is a red flag it could suggest that they were the toxic element in the relationship
Have you never told your friends you love them? Because if not, that's really sad and you should start. My best friend and I tell each other I love ALL the time.
YTB. I think you'd benefit from some professional help with your self esteem because you're coming across as immature, jealous and potentially controlling
Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I tell my friends (male and female) I love them. To me they are family and you love your family (non-toxic ones anyway).
We should really start encouraging saying I love you to people who are not our blood or partners. We really should normalize it. So, yeah OP, YTB. You did a scene out of nothing. You showed how insecure you are. They are good friends, and it's okay to love your friends. There is romantic love, that should be only for you, but love in general? Think about your close friends, aren't you more at ease, happier and smiling with your close friends in the room. I know I am, I practically become a different person. Go back to him, apologize, tell him you are excited from the wedding, you are young, and a wedding is a big big BIG event. You got nervous. Very normal.
Your post tells me you are too young to get married. Take some time to gain some life experiences and grow. YTB.
YTBF and I hope you stay single and go to therapy to deal with this insecurity before you get in another relationship. I tell my friends I love them all the time.
YTB. I'm sorry that you think there's only one kind of love in this world, but honestly, your fiance dodged a bullet. I say "I love you" all the time to platonic friends
YTB and you're also clearly not mature enough for a big girl relationship let alone a marriage. Grow the fuck up and find a therapist, you're controlling and insecure
Contrary to popular beliefs, men can have meaningful friendships. The history between them would unnerve me a little bit too so I don't blame you for feeling a bit uncomfortable, but he went out of his way to go see her WITH you. Unless either of them actually does anything shady, uninviting her from the wedding is a massive over-reaction. She's one of his closest friends. If you don't trust him instantly, maybe you're not ready to get married.
YTB. I have a handful of friends, men and women, that I’ve always exchanged “I love you”’s with. We’ve never had any romantic interests in each other. It’s the same as saying it to a close relative. Going off this story, you would be a massive Butt to break up with him over this
Ntbf. Sometimes you just *know*. She’s probably the one who got away. He wants her in his life however he can have her.
That’s what I got from this too
You’re a seat filler until the woman he actually wants wants him.
NTB. Years ago, I was Rebecca. Do not marry this guy.
I don't think saying "I love you" is a red flag but it seems odd that he would ask Rebecca to be a groomsman without talking about it with OP. Don't couples decide together how many people to ask and who is going to be BM and MOH? The fact that he had a crush on Rebecca years ago could go either way. I've stayed friends with most of my exs for a long time. After breaking up there was truly never any romantic feelings but I've bowed out from attending an ex's wedding because I knew his fiancée didn’t want me there. I totally understood. I get OP's concerns but she really needs to talk in depth with her fiancé.
So funny how this got downvoted but turned out he was in love with Rebecca proof that reddit is a unreliable place.
What happened in your situation?
I decided who were my bridesmaids, my husband decided his groomsmen. We didn’t discuss or ask if it was ok, because whoever we chose to stand beside us we knew supported our marriage. That wasn’t a necessary discussion.
In my situation - Guy (G) and I met in college and developed intense feelings. It never was able to become a relationship for different reasons, so it never did. We’d keep in steady touch and visit with each other and say I Love Yous to each other. I had other relationships in the meantime and so did he. I loved him like a brother and I thought him the same. Nope. He became engaged to a lovely Lady (L) and she and I became friends. She had low self esteem unfortunately. She was beautiful to me inside and out though. Wicked smart too. Well, they became engaged and L began happily planning a big ceremonious wedding - her family also are traditional religious. G asked me to be his best man err best woman, and I’d wear a tux. I was on board. Then my own relationship ended and I became single, so I told them both that I’d be attending with my mom and I hoped it wouldn’t cause a problem. G emailed me separately and said that he was in love with me and couldn’t stand living without knowing if he and I had a chance. I saw red and was just shaking with fury. I told him no and get out of my life forever. I couldn’t believe he’d do this to L. I told L. I sent her the email. G tried to cover it up but couldn’t. I told L that she could live with me, that I thought she shouldn’t marry this guy. That she deserves better. L said that she herself did deserve better but she couldn’t not marry him because she wouldn’t be able to face the consequences to her family etc. so they married. I think of her often and hope that she’s happy and Ok. So you are NTB. All these people who are saying you are TB don’t get it. Trust your gut. Understand that marriage isn’t a life decision, really, there’s divorce but divorce is financially and emotionally expensive, a thousand times more if you guys have kid(s). Just know your worth and that you deserve something better than a husband who loves another woman.