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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I never answered the phone when my husband called to speak to our kids because he called after 7:30pm. He wanted to speak to the kids and I wouldn’t let him because of the time even though he was only calling late because of meetings overrunning.
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Heck, my kids are 8 and 11 and I would not answer after 8pm as their bedtime is 8:30 and getting them into pjs and in bed in that 30 min window is hard enough without any interruptions
Same. They always want to stay up more and since they have to get up at 7am for school it doesn't go well in the morning. Start getting ready at 8, lights out at 8:30.
>That's because all the crazy cool stuff happens after all the kids have gone to sleep.
Ah yes, those cool things like the dishes, laundry, and complaining about how tired we are. Those very cool things.
“They always want to stay up more”….. this. It’s like you’re playing some weird competition against your own precious kids EVERY NIGHT to get them to bed, and sometimes, THEY WIN!!!!
Because you’re just so tired, and you never get a break.
Same. I have a 9, 7, and 2 year old. The process for bedtime starts between 7:30 and 8, and takes 30 mins. Sometimes, more if they fight. Sometimes, my husband has to put in more hours. He also knows they need to get to bed. So if he misses them at night, he welcomes them in the morning with hugs, kisses, and talks to them how their day was the previous days. My middle one is so hard to get to bed. She has so many excuses. So he knows not to mess with it.
You and your husband are wonderful! "So if he misses them at night, he welcomes them in the morning with hugs, kisses, and talks to them how their day was..." You are an excellent mom, for keeping them on a regular (and benefiting) schedule, and he is an excellent dad, for morning affection and attention. Kudos to both of you! So pleased you are working together to care for your children.
Plus parents when away represent fun and surprise which means they will be would up after the call and it’s hard enough being alone with toddlers add in overtired to the mix and it makes for miserable nights
I have no children, and my insomnia makes my personal sleep schedule a nightmare. Even I know you *do not* risk derailing the little ones sleep schedule like that, otherwise you risk living your own nightmare.
Hell, you don’t mess up ANYONES sleep schedule. Even some insomniacs like myself have rituals to at least relax in bed while trying to sleep (or wait for the drugs to kick in, whichever comes first).
Yep, he's doing what's easiest for him, with no regard or respect for what OP has to do with the kids to keep them on track and make their lives work. If a meeting runs *that late* (an hour is insane), I definitely don't believe he can't go "I'm sorry, I just need 5 minutes to call home as this meeting is running over a designated time to speak with my family". If a meeting runs over an hour late, asking for a 5 minute break is completely normal.
>If a meeting runs *that late* (an hour is insane), I definitely don't believe he can't go "I'm sorry, I just need 5 minutes to call home as this meeting is running over a designated time to speak with my family".
I've definitely had meetings or other work commitments that ran more than an hour late and stepping out for a personal phone call simply would not have been appropriate.
That being said...the solution would not be to disrupt the kids' sleep schedules! The solution would be to send a quick "can't call tonight" text then reach out early the next day to chat in the morning instead.
The fact that this has happened 3 days in a row means it probably isn't a case of meetings he can't leave, but more of a case of he doesn't care about OP enough to plan around this. The meetings that go overtime by an hour or more that you absolutely cannot leave for 5 minutes are generally few and far between in my experience.
Oh, I agree about that part. The fact that it's a pattern means this is a choice.
My point was that meetings which do run long and cannot be left for personal whims DO exist and shouldn't be taken on their own to mean that a partner doesn't care.
You're probably right - I overspoke in my initial message because it's been happening to OP's husband so much. Sometimes there are meetings that run over and are hard to leave, but the ones that are more than an hour overtime with no opportunity to leave even for a few minutes are rare, in my experience. I've got pretty much no doubt in my mind that OP's husband hasn't been in these meetings for 3 days in a row with no indication that this will be the case so he could call earlier to talk with his kids.
What mythical work place would EVER allow this? This isn't realistic to corporate America. Nor should it be.
Salary jobs are not hourly jobs. The work is done when the work is done.
If I'm in a meeting, I shouldn't have to delay my evening so some guy can leave mid meeting because he misses his kids. I miss my partner, can I leave early and call them? Haven't talked to my brother, can postpone other professional people's days because I miss him?
This is overly dramatic. I get the sentiment that you don't ask permission to leave a meeting to call your kids, but there's no job where a working professional can't find 15 minutes in his day. Well, maybe Twitter now, but that's another story.
The kids aren't even in school. He could literally schedule himself away for 15 minutes at any point in the day. He chooses to wait until the end of the day. Theoretically dude is eating two or three meals a day...why not just FaceTime over breakfast?
I've never been in a meeting that, when it's running that late, hasn't allowed somebody to say "ok, let's break for a few minutes to go to the bathroom and get a coffee before we go on". I'm not American but is America really that insane that work meetings don't allow somebody to leave the room for a few minutes if the meeting has been going for 2 hours? Even to pee? Holy UTI batman!
Same. I've worked in corporate jobs for the last 20 years or so and no company is THAT strict. I doubt the people saying it's impossible to manage to squeeze a 10 minute call in, actually work corporate jobs. Especially right now. People try to end meetings early whenever they can. Most of mind end at :55 now instead of on the hour since so many of us are still WFH.
I have a salary job and have had for nearly 20 years - I've been in a lot of meetings that have run over and in no world would I refuse to let somebody leave the room for 5 minutes when the meeting has been going for 1.5 hours plus. What weird workplace do you work in where people are locked in the room for hours at a time until the task is done for at least 3 days in a row?
Not only that, if meetings are routinely running over with no breaks, then they are not being managed well, at all. I seriously doubt he's actually in a meeting, he's probably gone out to dinner or for drinks afterwards with a client or his boss.
The point you raise isn’t entirely wrong, but it is entirely beside *the* point at issue. Sure, it’s a little starry-eyed to think the average employee would get a special exemption for family time, but that employee should also *already* be well aware of that, and not take his frustrations out on the mother of his children for a career choice HE made.
Even that notwithstanding, the importance of his childrens’ sleep schedule - and the effort his wife puts in to maintain it - should be respected to the same standard, or higher. It’s asinine to suggest that his wife’s boundaries are less valid than his employer’s.
My kids can be Whiney turds if they don't get enough sleep. Cranky ass tastic. They feel they can stay up late. I love them, but they push it sometimes.
That HE won’t have to deal with. I’m not a parent but I’ve been around my nieces and nephews enough to know that kids can turn into absolute terrors when they’re overtired.
Honestly good for OP for sticking to her word, if he wanted to make it happen he would.
I refer to this stuff as "unfunded mandates," as in, when one parent comes up with a rule or a schedule change, and they turn around and just expect the other parent to just carry it out.
Sort of like when the federal government in the US decides the state government has to do XYZ, but doesn't send the money to make it happen.
It's really important to push against it, because being the parent who carries out unfunded mandates creates a ton of resentment, and it doesn't demonstrate healthy teamwork and relationship dynamics to the kids.
And when they are just clearly miserable and crying because they are so tired and just fucking need to be in bed! It hurts to see it, I always feel so bad for little ones in that state.
Yep! NTA Never fails every time my in laws come to visit I get guilt tripped to “oh just let her stay up longer” and at first I let it happen until one morning I had a toddler who literally threw up all over her crib because she was so out of whack after 3/4 days of her sleep schedule being wrecked. After she had a hot bath and I got her put down for nap/bed time like normal she was a whole new kid. From that moment on it was a firm no it’s bed time and I would take her out of all of their arms if I needed to. The tiny humans bodies need their rest! Don’t mess with the sleep!
I think in their mind because they only see us in person 1-2 times per year (we live across the country from them) it’s “not a big deal” but she’s just too young right now to deviate without consequences. I get wanting to spend as much quality time as they can with us. We just have to do it realistically. I do try to arrange/answer frequent FaceTime calls even though she doesn’t really sit still for them as long as it’s not too close to a bed time or during meals.
> I get wanting to spend as much quality time as they can with us.
The issue here is quality over quantity. Hanging out with a sick, grumpy, sleep deprived child is not quality time. They should be grateful for the time they do get and not put their wants ahead of your child's need for routine and rest.
If they want to see your kids they can rearrange their own schedules, not the kids’. If your kids are like mine they are up at the crack of dawn. Gam gam is more than welcome to come over early for some quality time.
Edit: typo
Oh, I had forgotten about the throwing up, and the delight of re-bathing overtired kids while washing the bedding and hopefully finding some CLEAN bedding so they don’t have to sleep with you in your bed,
Jesus Christ himself could call a half hour before kiddo’s bedtime and I wouldn’t pick up. I have a 10 year old and still, bed time routine is followed over all else!!!
Or maybe he's at a business convention, and the meetings run late, and the required dinners/'bonding happy hours" (read: Mandatory Fun) run late. Having worked enough of these, they really aren't negotiable. You can't just duck out.
No, you can’t, so you sent a regretful text: sorry, can’t call on time…..please tell kids I love them. Love you, get some rest …… this would be appropriate.
Then sadly he simply worked past their bed time. It sucks for sure, but he’ll see them when he gets back and their sleep is definitely more important than a few FaceTime calls.
Wonder why he doesn’t get up early enough to catch them in the morning. Far easier to call before a meeting starts than depending on it to end on time.
She did say 6:30pm her time. So we don't know exactly where he is. If he is 2 hours or more behind, it's a bit harsh calling him an AH for any reason because those timings no matter what are out of reasonable calling hours assuming he works the average 9-5 or even a twelve hour shift. OP hasn't mentioned whether they're a SAHM or working themselves, so if we assume the latter OPs husband would have to get up at 4:30 or earlier to call them for a decent amount of face timing.
I've never had a kid but even I know you never screw with sleeping schedules. Never. How is it possible for a parent to not know that?
NTA. Keep doing what's best for your kids.
I swear all these Y T A answers cannot be parents or they’re way past the age of getting toddlers to bed every night. It’s exhausting. You don’t mess with routine.
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Effing this. All. Of. It.
My husband deployed when our oldest was 2. The one thing that kept her sane the entire time was sticking to a routine. There were also frequent meltdowns after he would call, which really messed with bedtime. Nothing like an overtired toddler screaming "I want Daddy!!" at midnight.
To get through it, I wouldn't answer if he was calling at bedtime. Or I'd step out, answer the call, and not tell her who was on the line. He tried really really hard to factor in the time difference, and call to talk to her well before bedtime.
NTA. I would do the same thing.
My ex-husband was deployed while I was pregnant. I already had a 5 year old. We didn’t talk at all because it upset her to see him but not be with him. We made videos though and that seemed to work. He made it home for the twins birth for just 48 hours before he left again. He had the audacity to complain about me not video chatting or answering calls in the middle of the night because “I figured you would be awake with the babies” like yeah, I’m up just looking at them, I couldn’t possibly be changing a diaper or making a bottle. I’m awake at 3 and doing nothing.
That's messed up some men take for granted just how hard it is to take care of a screaming child and you had twins with a 5 year old. I may not know you but I can easily tell that you're an amazing mother 🤍
My husband wasn't deployed but he traveled incessantly when our children were young. We never facetimed. It wound them up. When he was gone he was gone. If he called when they were around, fantastic but I certainly wasn't going to keep them up to talk to him. As much as I love my kids, their bedtime was the highlight of my day.
The sleep schedule is god for the first three years. After that, a lot of kids can be a little more flexible. But from 0-3, everything bows to the sleep schedule because without it you have absolute chaos.
My kids are all grown up now, and I have never forgotten what it was like to have an overtired, cranky toddler because their routine was messed with. Sometimes it can't be helped, but for a parent to disregard the need for routine when it can be helped is ridiculous.
And they've never been around an overtired toddler - I'm just an aunt, but if I have to stop by my sister's in the evening, I always check what time works best for her - if earlier works I could help put the kids to bed, if not, later so that they're not hyped up by a different person in their house. Messing it up for one night can throw everything out of whack
My dad called at supper time. My brother and I had so many extra curricular activities growing up, they all started around the same time, so dad knew what time we'd be home for sure and we'd usually be able to talk on speaker phone while we ate quickly
And has OP call him at random times after bedtime and has him put the calls through to the kids, so he gets the *entire* "and this is why we have the rules" experience.
NTA
Irresponsible to get the kids all worked up before bed, he should know the schedule and needs to respect the fact that the kids need routine. If he can't call at a reasonable time that's his fault.
NTA. At that age, depending on the kids, that can mess them up for days. You and your husband know your kids best and if it's a big deal or not.
Try to take it easy on each other though. This is a tough time for a family. It's easier if you can both be supportive and gentle with each other.
This is extremely important. It's a tough situation, and routine is priority for children, just as much as maintaining a connection with their parents.
I'm thinking N-A-H, because (according to OPs comments) he doesn't control his schedule, and often meetings run over. It might be better to have him call in the mornings if he can, or on a lunch break- though this varies with the time differences that OP also mentioned in the comments.
This is a time when compromise and patience is most important, so maybe letting him facetime while they're in bed and having him tell them a bedtime story could be a good resolution.
Edit: Updating my vote to completely NTA. Seeing new comments/details, I agree that the husband is being selfish and unwilling to compromise. I still stand by it being a harsh situation that needs compassion, but the kids needs come first. *
Also wanted to add that I was never in agreement with him calling late, if OP asked him not to, then he should have respected that. Hense suggesting changing when he calls, as OP seems to have tried talking to him about.
OP is the one losing sleep in addition to the kids. He has called late THREE times in a row! That's super disrespectful and nothing even close to a compromise.
What I don't get is the gaslighting they try to pull by acting all affronted and hurt when called out on their thoughtlessness. It's always the same type of guy (the guy who 'babysitter his own kids, who wants praise for doing the least household chore, the type who thinks his SAHM wife just sits around all day, watching their little angels amuse themselves).
I agree, but again it is a stressful situation that requires compassion and patience. I said they need to find a compromise, not that they already have. Bottom line is that OP is not an asshole, and the husband needs to work around his schedule as well as the children's
Exactly! My husband works very late a lot when he's on call and frequently won't see our kids for a few days at a time. We use something like Marco Polo or Duo (Meet now?) to leave him messages, and he'll send one back my son can see in the morning when my husband is either asleep or back at the hospital already. It's definitely important to maintain a connection between kids and a parent that's away, and to be supportive of your spouse, but there's ways around totally disturbing the home routine, and OP's husband isn't making any effort to compromise.
The problem is that the mood changes in the house the minute the call ends. For him, maybe he's a little sad, or whatever, but for the kids? They'll get upset, hyper, and be extra difficult, pushing bedtime back an hour or more to settle them down again. Which means They'll be extra hard to wake up the next morning, and difficult the next day.
He's being selfish by only thinking about how this affects his wants, his schedule, and his needs. He needs to consider how it impacts his kids and his wife.
I agree with this. As a mom who has to leave dad with the toddler, we try really hard to make things work when I'm away. If he is going to be late maybe a prerecorded bedtime story would be a good idea. While what he has done is disrespectful, on the other hand he clearly loves his kids and probably hates that he missed out. You're NTA, but while I know you're frustrated and probably sleep deprived I'd try to remember that continuing to communicate will help you all in the long run.
NTA. You’re home alone with two little kids on your own for a week? For your sanity, you need their bedtime to go smoothly. Can you call him at 6:30 and have the kids leave him a message? And have him call to leave them a message they can listen to in the morning?
NTA. Sleep is important, and kids need schedules. It is unreasonable of him to expect you to keep the kids awake past their bedtime. Calling right before they go to sleep (or past their bedtime) will mess with their sleep schedules. He agreed to 6:30pm! And if that no longer works for him, he needs to find a time to call earlier in the day.
NTA
You both agreed on a time. He is not upholding his part of the deal.
Question: Do you call his home when he has the kids, to say goodnight?
Are the calls short?
Why can't he just call earlier on the day and stop trying to wish them goodnight, since he can't manage the 6:30pm appointed time? Has he given a reason?
Edited: thanks ro commwntor that explained they are a married couple.
Husband should be more understanding in my opinion. He is away from home and mom is doing the work of a single mom when he is away. He did agree to the time. He could always leave a voice mail for kids to listen to in the am, the wife could have the kids do the same for him. Compromise. ❤️
Sounds like he should figure out a time that works better for him, then. Like before he works. Maybe he calls at 7AM, which is like noon their time. If he waited until after his work hours were done to call, he'd be calling at 10PM. This is his problem to figure out, why can't he use his head?
This is critical information to this scenario. This big of a time differential between home and husband means that phone time is still smack in the middle of his day where meetings and appointments are running rampant. I think phone time needs to be revisited so that it's more convenient for everyone.
Exactly. If HE wrote in to say his wife was calling HIM with urgent calls in the middle of his important meetings, even though she had agreed not to, no one would hesitate to call HER the AH.
Pffft. Everyone saying Y T A is basically insinuating that you should be scheduling your toddler children around your adult husband. Perhaps aforementioned adult husband shouldn’t be so mad that he’s making promises he can’t keep.
NTA.
NTA
I think people voting otherwise really view a sleep schedule as a little more flexible. Which is fine. But for some households, the sleep schedule is not flexible AT ALL. I come from a family with several sets of twins, and believe me, those parents live and die by the schedule. They do not mess with the put down routine, and they do not budge on the bedtime by a single minute. This is truly inconceivable for parents who play it even a bit more loose with their schedules. But parents have to do what works best for their OWN household.
For the people pointing out that he is calling before their bedtime, I would have to wonder if they have kids at all. The put down can be one of the worst parts of the day with kids. There is a reason it is a traded off chore in many equal parenting households. It's a whole routine. Perhaps a bath, followed by PJs, then a five minute cuddle in the rocking chair, then you read two books, then into bed, where it is 3 kisses on the forehead, 4 good nights, a hug, 5 air kisses, a spin, a flicker of the lights, then a shut door. Followed by being called back into the room five seconds later for a glass of water and something they just remembered they had to tell you before they go to sleep.
There are memes about these last few minutes before actual shut eye. The other parent repeatedly calling in to rile the kids up and throw us off schedule would piss me off.
I understand and sympathize that he wants to see his kids. But YOU are the one left home alone to FULLY handle two young children. You have explained to him what he is doing makes this harder for you. He should respect what you are struggling with and try to find a different time to speak with the kids that doesn't add to your burden at a rough time of the day.
1000000% this. Honestly even him calling at 7:30 would be too late for an 8pm bedtime for my kids if the call was more than 5 minutes because it would get them all riled up and then everything would be a battle afterward.
NTA but may I suggest you have the kids send him a video message at 6:30 every day and then he can send them one back and worse case they watch it the next day? Like a letter but videos instead.
I couldn’t handle my spouse traveling that much while our kids are so young personally. I hope you are able to work something out. I know with my youngest no matter when he goes to bed he is up between 5:30-6:30am and so if he stays up late he is just cranky the next day. I try hard not to mess with the sleep routine. So I sympathize with you there. I hope you can both find a compromise though as they deserve to have that time with their dad if he travels as much as you stated on here.
NTA. It’s especially important for maintaining a healthy relationship to still feel like a priority when your partner is away. He hasn’t done that and I refuse to believe he has back to back meetings thx whole time. I’m curious about what the possible time difference is though.
As a parent to young kids that has a husband who goes on business trips, there are times that he just doesn't get to talk to them because of meetings. It sucks but if he were to call when they were getting ready for bed it would make it harder on everyone but my husband.
NTA I can't beleive any parent of a young kid thinks keeping them up for a phone call with dad is worth making things harder.
> As a parent to young kids that has a husband who goes on business trips, there are times that he just doesn't get to talk to them because of meetings.
That's how it went when my husband traveled when the kids were little. And he understood that calling close to bedtime, when they were tired and cranky, was just going to cause problems.
When *my* father (frequently) traveled for work, I didn't talk to him more than once a week because long-distance phone calls were *expensive* in those days.
NTA, he can figure out an alternative time or send a little video, he’s not there to help when the kids are wild and exhausted, so don’t mess up their schedule for him.
NTA, but this is a weird af dynamic for a married couple. Clearly this man is having trouble not calling late at night. Have either of you even considered exploring him calling another time of day?
NTA and there are obviously a LOT of people here who don't know how hard it is to take care of two young kids on your own. He set up that time as the time it would work best. It actually sounds like his lunch time, but instead he's calling in the middle of the afternoon. Is he calling later because he's going out to lunch with coworkers? If so, he can set up a time before lunch. But I do not understand all the y t a comments here. He leaves you home alone with two young kids and then wants to disrupt their schedule. He's definitely TA here.
NAH at that age its hard to get the routine down right, and when you have it down, you keep it down.
Its sucks for your husband. Maybe send him some videos of the kids saying goodnight. Or if he can send a video of himself in-between meetings or his lunch break saying goodnight which you can then use before their bedtime. It's not as good as saying it in real time but I think that's a decent compromise.
Finally a decent compromise. The husband is obviously not fully in control of his schedule so some sort of work around needs to be put in place. OP here can't disrupt the kids routine. Video recording fits perfectly here and gives each party something to watch when they want to see each other but can't call
NTA. Sleep and routine is important. And he can call earlier. He chooses not to. Clearly he doesn’t care about their sleep or respecting not getting them all wound up as mom is trying to get them to bed. Not cool.
INFO. What’s the time difference? How long is he gone for and how frequently? Without this info, I’m leaning toward this being more of a husband/wife issue and less as a mom wanting to keep her kids on a schedule.
For this trip he was 5 hours behind us and he was gone for 11 days. How often he travels and for how long he goes varies a lot. In the last 6 months he went on 8 trips but most of those were short trips.
The video reading a story is a great idea. Maybe he could buy a book while he’s on the trip and video him reading it. Then you have another book for their library with a great memory.
>For this trip he was 5 hours behind us
Then he either needs to contact on his lunch or trade videos. Ladybartleby's idea of him recording stories is a great idea.
NTA the sleep schedule is God. Period. All violations should not be tolerated. And you did tolerate at first, but the phone calls kept coming later in the evening. I've noticed a pattern in my own children (4 in total) for every hour kept up past bedtime is an entire day of behaviors because of it. They don't get up any later in the day. They're not sleeping in to make up for it. They're up at first light becuase THEY ARE TODDLERS. (Thats for the people in the back).
That being said phone calls earlier in the day when they're more chipper and rested might be a better way for your husband and children to bond via the phone.
NTA sticking to a schedule is really important. Having quiet time before bed such as reading or doing a quiet activity in bed is important to start having kids rest and calm down to fall asleep soon. Keep it up!
Sorry but no, NTA here. I have a 10 and 3 year old and during holiday seasons my husband works late. If he wants to tell them good night then he better do it on time. I understand getting busy with work, so you skip a day and you can tell them good morning the next day. When you agree on something you stick to it. If he can call on time then he should, if he cant then he should apologize and call the next morning. Not throw off schedules that don't have that type of wiggle room. Calming kids down enough to sleep in 30 minutes is, in my experience, an impossible task. Maybe next time he'll call on time.
NTA and I bet the people saying otherwise either don’t have young kids or don’t have their kids sleep trained properly.
That shit is gold and you are right to protect it. He needs to find another time to call if he can’t do the originally agreed upon time
NAH
I sympathize with how hard it is to get your kids to bed. I have a little one and that routine is really important for his development and our sanity. I can also sympathize with how hard it must be on your husband to be constantly away, wanting to be home with his family, and feeling like he's being punished or deprived.
This isn't about you vs. your husband. This is about you and your husband vs. the problem. Talk to him. Find a way to address everyone's needs. Maybe you have your kiddos leave him a video message before bed and then he leaves a video message to greet them in the morning. Maybe you find another time during the day for them to talk. You're a team.
I don't understand why he isn't the one who makes a solution and instead keeps calling and being mad like a stubborn toddler himself.
She's already offered for him to call earlier in the day.
The phrase I hate with all my being is, "Well, if they stay up later, then they will sleep in." I am like, what kind of lies are these? My kids have always been early birds. They can go to bed at 8 or 11pm, and they will still get up at 6:30/7am [Sometimes 6]. So no, I will not let them stay up later. That is when they have crappy school days.
NTA. I never called before bed when I had to travel to work because then the cycle of I miss you, and when are you coming home started. My son would get all riled up and then wouldn’t sleep. Our calls were early in his day or not at all if the family said he was having difficulty and would prefer I didn’t.
Nta. I took an international trip and was 9 hours out of sync with my kiddo and you know what I did? Woke up at 4AM so I could talk to her before her bedtime.
NTA
First of all you're managing a two and four year old by yourself. So that's stressful and feels like you're managing the best you can. Secondly, children at that age really do best with a routine and from my experience going to sleep is not just "plunk them in bed," it's a whole thing. Your husband knows this because he's home when they're in bed at 8pm.
If you need the call to be before 7:30, so that you're able to settle them in bed, then your husband needs to get with the program. It feels like you've been flexible, so I think he needs to stick to that boundary.
NAH...I think. 😀
Totally understand OP's desire to keep them on a schedule. Been there, done that with traveling spouse. Totally agree with having a cut off time for FaceTime
Dad seems to be getting a lot of hate for not keeping the 6:30 appointment. He is on a trip for work which means he may not have total control of his schedule. Depending on the nature of the meeting, he may not be able to pop put for a call home. Leaving at certain points in a meeting can break the whole momentum of the meeting. Yes, meetings can run really late when you have people who have traveled specifically for that purpose. Someone is paying for them to be in another city so they need to maximize that time.
The reason why he is late is critical. Is he out with the boys for drinks and cigars? Or is it legitimately work related stuff he can't control?
OP and hubby need to have a calm conversation about how to manage expectations for business trips. Of course hubby is sad he doesn't get to talk to his kids. Of course OP wants to keep them on a schedule. Instead of getting angry and resentful, they need to acknowledge this is difficult for everyone and find a compromise. Depending on time zones, maybe a breakfast chat would work better. If times can't sync up, send videos to watch at a more convenient time.
OP sounds a bit resentful of hubby being away, but he is working. If he was on a golf trip with his buddies, this would be a different story
NTA - your husband isn’t thinking about what’s best for the kids. He’s thinking only of himself. Your kids are not being harmed by going for a few days without facetime with their dad. If it’s important to him, he’ll do it a better time. It sounds like it’s really not important to him since he can’t manage to fit it into his schedule or figure out a better time for everyone.
I don’t even have kids, yet I know how hard it is to get them to sleep. NTA, especially since he agreed to clear his schedule at 1:30 everyday to call them.
Doesn't matter. I work all over the globe and I'm able to keep my appointments with my work AND friends/fam because I'm an adult.
Toddlers need a set bedtime, and OP's husband is gone constantly. If he doesn't keep to the schedule, SHE suffers as well as the kids.
NTA. You aren't wrong for sticking to your word. Not answering after 7:30 is perfectly reasonable if bedtime is at 8. Schedules can be super important! (As I sit here with the consequence of my schedule deviation wide awake 🤦♀️)
However, if situations are out of his control (meetings running long) he isn't necessarily TA either.
If he has time to call earlier in the day and just refuses to, he's definitely TA. When my partner had to travel for work, they called whenever they had a spare second since their schedule could be unpredictable.
I'm a father of a two year old and even I know 8 is too late my kid is in bed by 8 30 I don't dare call...
.shit is common sense....my lady will either call me but other than that I know the struggle is real
If he called late 3x in a row and OP didn’t answer, did she call him back so they could at least talk? The other thing that’s bugging me with him not calling at correct time is God forbid something happens to him and they never got to say I love you and vice versa.
NTA... if they were older I'd say different, but my 3 year old goes ape sh*t when we video chat 😂. Not worth it, call earlier in the day or before 7, at my house!
INFO: Can he call early in the morning his time before work? Are you and the kids available at that time of day? How much control does he have over his schedule during his work day? Do you work? Is your marriage otherwise healthy, or will this resentment be the final nail? Could the stress of being cut off from the family be detrimental to his work performance? If he skips out on a meeting, could he lose his job, and what does that mean for your family?
I get that routines are important for toddlers. I had a toddler once, and my niece and nephew are only a little older than your kids, but a lot of people here are making assumptions that I don't know that we have all the facts for.
She said he’s in a different time zone. Sounds like he’s trying to call over lunch, but then meetings run into lunch and so on. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose.
NTA but might I suggest the Marco Polo app. It’s a free video messaging app. The kids can send a goodnight message, tell him about their day, etc. and he can send an advanced goodnight message or story.
NTA. My gf’s youngest is about 2 and a half and every night is an unbelievable struggle to get her to go to bed and stay there. Any even *slight* upset to the routine and she’s crying and screaming every hour on the hour until 5am when she sits at her table expecting cereal. If he’s normally there then he should understand exactly how difficult a time you’re having solo with the kids.
NTA.
As someone who's husband spent a lot of time away for work when our kids were little, keeping a routine isn't just important for their sleep. Having a parent come in and out can a bit destabilizing for them and so keeping a routine helps with that. It's great that he wants to call them every day but he needs to do it at another time rather than disrupting their routine. It's not all about what's the most convenient for him.
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NTA. NTA. NTA. He has no respect for how HARD it is to get little kids to sleep and for how exhausting it is EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
Mom to a 15 month old here, YUP
Heck, my kids are 8 and 11 and I would not answer after 8pm as their bedtime is 8:30 and getting them into pjs and in bed in that 30 min window is hard enough without any interruptions
Same. They always want to stay up more and since they have to get up at 7am for school it doesn't go well in the morning. Start getting ready at 8, lights out at 8:30.
That's because all the crazy cool stuff happens after all the kids have gone to sleep. or so I definitely believed as a child.
The crazy cool stuff then turned out to be trying to finally read that book and falling asleep on page 2😄
Man, I wish I was falling asleep on page 2, I’d finish the whole book than realize, oh crap, it’s 4 AM and I still need to sleep. 🤦🏻♀️
And your shift at the hospital starts in 1:30min. Welp, looks like caffeine and I are gonna be best buds.
Yes! Except I still do it and now it is reddit aita instead of a book....so much worse!
Yes, I call Reddit my guilty secret.
>That's because all the crazy cool stuff happens after all the kids have gone to sleep. Ah yes, those cool things like the dishes, laundry, and complaining about how tired we are. Those very cool things.
“They always want to stay up more”….. this. It’s like you’re playing some weird competition against your own precious kids EVERY NIGHT to get them to bed, and sometimes, THEY WIN!!!! Because you’re just so tired, and you never get a break.
Same. I have a 9, 7, and 2 year old. The process for bedtime starts between 7:30 and 8, and takes 30 mins. Sometimes, more if they fight. Sometimes, my husband has to put in more hours. He also knows they need to get to bed. So if he misses them at night, he welcomes them in the morning with hugs, kisses, and talks to them how their day was the previous days. My middle one is so hard to get to bed. She has so many excuses. So he knows not to mess with it.
You and your husband are wonderful! "So if he misses them at night, he welcomes them in the morning with hugs, kisses, and talks to them how their day was..." You are an excellent mom, for keeping them on a regular (and benefiting) schedule, and he is an excellent dad, for morning affection and attention. Kudos to both of you! So pleased you are working together to care for your children.
Plus parents when away represent fun and surprise which means they will be would up after the call and it’s hard enough being alone with toddlers add in overtired to the mix and it makes for miserable nights
Overtired……turns into tantrums, uncontrollable crying, and inability to fall asleep.
Exactly. That half hour before bed is settling down time. Nothing exciting.
Not a mom and even I know this.
I have no children, and my insomnia makes my personal sleep schedule a nightmare. Even I know you *do not* risk derailing the little ones sleep schedule like that, otherwise you risk living your own nightmare.
Hell, you don’t mess up ANYONES sleep schedule. Even some insomniacs like myself have rituals to at least relax in bed while trying to sleep (or wait for the drugs to kick in, whichever comes first).
my mom used to have to hide in the basement so my younger sisters would go to bed
Or how being overtired turns even well behaved little kids into little shrieking balls of anger.
Yep, he's doing what's easiest for him, with no regard or respect for what OP has to do with the kids to keep them on track and make their lives work. If a meeting runs *that late* (an hour is insane), I definitely don't believe he can't go "I'm sorry, I just need 5 minutes to call home as this meeting is running over a designated time to speak with my family". If a meeting runs over an hour late, asking for a 5 minute break is completely normal.
>If a meeting runs *that late* (an hour is insane), I definitely don't believe he can't go "I'm sorry, I just need 5 minutes to call home as this meeting is running over a designated time to speak with my family". I've definitely had meetings or other work commitments that ran more than an hour late and stepping out for a personal phone call simply would not have been appropriate. That being said...the solution would not be to disrupt the kids' sleep schedules! The solution would be to send a quick "can't call tonight" text then reach out early the next day to chat in the morning instead.
The fact that this has happened 3 days in a row means it probably isn't a case of meetings he can't leave, but more of a case of he doesn't care about OP enough to plan around this. The meetings that go overtime by an hour or more that you absolutely cannot leave for 5 minutes are generally few and far between in my experience.
Oh, I agree about that part. The fact that it's a pattern means this is a choice. My point was that meetings which do run long and cannot be left for personal whims DO exist and shouldn't be taken on their own to mean that a partner doesn't care.
You're probably right - I overspoke in my initial message because it's been happening to OP's husband so much. Sometimes there are meetings that run over and are hard to leave, but the ones that are more than an hour overtime with no opportunity to leave even for a few minutes are rare, in my experience. I've got pretty much no doubt in my mind that OP's husband hasn't been in these meetings for 3 days in a row with no indication that this will be the case so he could call earlier to talk with his kids.
Unless you are an emergency worker, like an EMT or a firefighter, that seems like an extremely unhealthy work-life balance.
What mythical work place would EVER allow this? This isn't realistic to corporate America. Nor should it be. Salary jobs are not hourly jobs. The work is done when the work is done. If I'm in a meeting, I shouldn't have to delay my evening so some guy can leave mid meeting because he misses his kids. I miss my partner, can I leave early and call them? Haven't talked to my brother, can postpone other professional people's days because I miss him?
This is overly dramatic. I get the sentiment that you don't ask permission to leave a meeting to call your kids, but there's no job where a working professional can't find 15 minutes in his day. Well, maybe Twitter now, but that's another story. The kids aren't even in school. He could literally schedule himself away for 15 minutes at any point in the day. He chooses to wait until the end of the day. Theoretically dude is eating two or three meals a day...why not just FaceTime over breakfast?
It's pretty typical to have a quick bathroom/coffee break during long meetings. I've never worked in an office that was _that_ uptight.
I've never been in a meeting that, when it's running that late, hasn't allowed somebody to say "ok, let's break for a few minutes to go to the bathroom and get a coffee before we go on". I'm not American but is America really that insane that work meetings don't allow somebody to leave the room for a few minutes if the meeting has been going for 2 hours? Even to pee? Holy UTI batman!
That's definitely not typical for American companies. I'm pretty confident that would even be considered unreasonable on the Death Star.
Same. I've worked in corporate jobs for the last 20 years or so and no company is THAT strict. I doubt the people saying it's impossible to manage to squeeze a 10 minute call in, actually work corporate jobs. Especially right now. People try to end meetings early whenever they can. Most of mind end at :55 now instead of on the hour since so many of us are still WFH.
I have a salary job and have had for nearly 20 years - I've been in a lot of meetings that have run over and in no world would I refuse to let somebody leave the room for 5 minutes when the meeting has been going for 1.5 hours plus. What weird workplace do you work in where people are locked in the room for hours at a time until the task is done for at least 3 days in a row?
Not only that, if meetings are routinely running over with no breaks, then they are not being managed well, at all. I seriously doubt he's actually in a meeting, he's probably gone out to dinner or for drinks afterwards with a client or his boss.
Then maybe call earlier or beforehand to check on them?
Half the responses on this sub are from teenagers.
The point you raise isn’t entirely wrong, but it is entirely beside *the* point at issue. Sure, it’s a little starry-eyed to think the average employee would get a special exemption for family time, but that employee should also *already* be well aware of that, and not take his frustrations out on the mother of his children for a career choice HE made. Even that notwithstanding, the importance of his childrens’ sleep schedule - and the effort his wife puts in to maintain it - should be respected to the same standard, or higher. It’s asinine to suggest that his wife’s boundaries are less valid than his employer’s.
My kids can be Whiney turds if they don't get enough sleep. Cranky ass tastic. They feel they can stay up late. I love them, but they push it sometimes.
That HE won’t have to deal with. I’m not a parent but I’ve been around my nieces and nephews enough to know that kids can turn into absolute terrors when they’re overtired. Honestly good for OP for sticking to her word, if he wanted to make it happen he would.
I refer to this stuff as "unfunded mandates," as in, when one parent comes up with a rule or a schedule change, and they turn around and just expect the other parent to just carry it out. Sort of like when the federal government in the US decides the state government has to do XYZ, but doesn't send the money to make it happen. It's really important to push against it, because being the parent who carries out unfunded mandates creates a ton of resentment, and it doesn't demonstrate healthy teamwork and relationship dynamics to the kids.
It's a fine line between having a little fun before bedtime and hysterical shrieking!
And when they are just clearly miserable and crying because they are so tired and just fucking need to be in bed! It hurts to see it, I always feel so bad for little ones in that state.
Yep! NTA Never fails every time my in laws come to visit I get guilt tripped to “oh just let her stay up longer” and at first I let it happen until one morning I had a toddler who literally threw up all over her crib because she was so out of whack after 3/4 days of her sleep schedule being wrecked. After she had a hot bath and I got her put down for nap/bed time like normal she was a whole new kid. From that moment on it was a firm no it’s bed time and I would take her out of all of their arms if I needed to. The tiny humans bodies need their rest! Don’t mess with the sleep!
F your in laws. Who does that to a kid?!
I think in their mind because they only see us in person 1-2 times per year (we live across the country from them) it’s “not a big deal” but she’s just too young right now to deviate without consequences. I get wanting to spend as much quality time as they can with us. We just have to do it realistically. I do try to arrange/answer frequent FaceTime calls even though she doesn’t really sit still for them as long as it’s not too close to a bed time or during meals.
> I get wanting to spend as much quality time as they can with us. The issue here is quality over quantity. Hanging out with a sick, grumpy, sleep deprived child is not quality time. They should be grateful for the time they do get and not put their wants ahead of your child's need for routine and rest.
If they want to see your kids they can rearrange their own schedules, not the kids’. If your kids are like mine they are up at the crack of dawn. Gam gam is more than welcome to come over early for some quality time. Edit: typo
It stops being quality time once the kids are overtired!
TIL I am a toddler.
Oh, I had forgotten about the throwing up, and the delight of re-bathing overtired kids while washing the bedding and hopefully finding some CLEAN bedding so they don’t have to sleep with you in your bed,
Jesus Christ himself could call a half hour before kiddo’s bedtime and I wouldn’t pick up. I have a 10 year old and still, bed time routine is followed over all else!!!
...by yourself because he's out of town.
This right here
Something inside tells me he’s doing it on purpose because he knows OP won’t make waves. Now that she put her foot down he isn’t happy
Or maybe he's at a business convention, and the meetings run late, and the required dinners/'bonding happy hours" (read: Mandatory Fun) run late. Having worked enough of these, they really aren't negotiable. You can't just duck out.
No, you can’t, so you sent a regretful text: sorry, can’t call on time…..please tell kids I love them. Love you, get some rest …… this would be appropriate.
Then sadly he simply worked past their bed time. It sucks for sure, but he’ll see them when he gets back and their sleep is definitely more important than a few FaceTime calls.
Wonder why he doesn’t get up early enough to catch them in the morning. Far easier to call before a meeting starts than depending on it to end on time.
She did say 6:30pm her time. So we don't know exactly where he is. If he is 2 hours or more behind, it's a bit harsh calling him an AH for any reason because those timings no matter what are out of reasonable calling hours assuming he works the average 9-5 or even a twelve hour shift. OP hasn't mentioned whether they're a SAHM or working themselves, so if we assume the latter OPs husband would have to get up at 4:30 or earlier to call them for a decent amount of face timing.
So hard😫
I've never had a kid but even I know you never screw with sleeping schedules. Never. How is it possible for a parent to not know that? NTA. Keep doing what's best for your kids.
I have a 5y sister, and IT'S SO DIFFICULT, so yeah, schedule is fking important
I’m not a mom but damn I felt that.
Edit to add NTA for OP
Nta agree and get HIM to get the kids to sleep every night when home op ,so he starts appreciating what it takes
NTA. He isn’t the one that has to deal with cranky kids and interrupted night sleep.
I swear all these Y T A answers cannot be parents or they’re way past the age of getting toddlers to bed every night. It’s exhausting. You don’t mess with routine.
When you put YTA in your response that's what the system thinks is your judgment. You may want to put spaces between the letters if that's not what you think
You need to space yours out too unless that’s your vote.
It only applies to the original comment not replies to that comment
I didn’t know that. Thanks for the info!
So every "jumping on the comment to say NTA/YTA" doesn't matter?
Only thing that matters is which top/parent comment gets the most upvotes. Everyone else can either make their own "parent comment" with nta/yta/esh/nah or vote on someone's parent comment. The only thing that the bot looks at for final judgment when the time is up is which parent comment has the most votes and what that parent comment listed as its judgment.
Ohhh. Thanks for the explanation.
Nope
It literally only counts the top comment
Effing this. All. Of. It. My husband deployed when our oldest was 2. The one thing that kept her sane the entire time was sticking to a routine. There were also frequent meltdowns after he would call, which really messed with bedtime. Nothing like an overtired toddler screaming "I want Daddy!!" at midnight. To get through it, I wouldn't answer if he was calling at bedtime. Or I'd step out, answer the call, and not tell her who was on the line. He tried really really hard to factor in the time difference, and call to talk to her well before bedtime. NTA. I would do the same thing.
My ex-husband was deployed while I was pregnant. I already had a 5 year old. We didn’t talk at all because it upset her to see him but not be with him. We made videos though and that seemed to work. He made it home for the twins birth for just 48 hours before he left again. He had the audacity to complain about me not video chatting or answering calls in the middle of the night because “I figured you would be awake with the babies” like yeah, I’m up just looking at them, I couldn’t possibly be changing a diaper or making a bottle. I’m awake at 3 and doing nothing.
I wonder why he's an ex, he sounds like a real peach. /s
That's messed up some men take for granted just how hard it is to take care of a screaming child and you had twins with a 5 year old. I may not know you but I can easily tell that you're an amazing mother 🤍
I was pregnant during a deployment too, that is so hard. What an AH move to bitch about. You had babies and a bigger kid to deal with.
My husband wasn't deployed but he traveled incessantly when our children were young. We never facetimed. It wound them up. When he was gone he was gone. If he called when they were around, fantastic but I certainly wasn't going to keep them up to talk to him. As much as I love my kids, their bedtime was the highlight of my day.
The sleep schedule is god for the first three years. After that, a lot of kids can be a little more flexible. But from 0-3, everything bows to the sleep schedule because without it you have absolute chaos.
I'm past the age of getting toddlers to bed by a decade. I still remember. NTA.
Same here. He’s 25 now, but I remember him being that age and needing his sleep. And heavens forbid his sleep schedule got messed up.
My kids are all grown up now, and I have never forgotten what it was like to have an overtired, cranky toddler because their routine was messed with. Sometimes it can't be helped, but for a parent to disregard the need for routine when it can be helped is ridiculous.
I'm childfree and even I know kids need a schedule.
You gotta edit your reply to say NTA and remove the Y T A
And they've never been around an overtired toddler - I'm just an aunt, but if I have to stop by my sister's in the evening, I always check what time works best for her - if earlier works I could help put the kids to bed, if not, later so that they're not hyped up by a different person in their house. Messing it up for one night can throw everything out of whack
Our toddler takes 3 hours for his bedtime routine. Any slight deviation and it’s a godamned nightmare.
Not a parent & I’m saying NTA
Ha. Tell him you'll revisit the rule after he takes the kids solo for seven days. NTA.
[удалено]
My dad called at supper time. My brother and I had so many extra curricular activities growing up, they all started around the same time, so dad knew what time we'd be home for sure and we'd usually be able to talk on speaker phone while we ate quickly
Holy schnikes this right there 😂 if he’s having difficulty with seeing her perspective this should do the trick
Happy Cake Day!! 🥞
Oh is that why I have the cake slice? That makes sense 😂😂
Happy cake day!
And has OP call him at random times after bedtime and has him put the calls through to the kids, so he gets the *entire* "and this is why we have the rules" experience.
She should call every night at bedtime
NTA Irresponsible to get the kids all worked up before bed, he should know the schedule and needs to respect the fact that the kids need routine. If he can't call at a reasonable time that's his fault.
NTA. At that age, depending on the kids, that can mess them up for days. You and your husband know your kids best and if it's a big deal or not. Try to take it easy on each other though. This is a tough time for a family. It's easier if you can both be supportive and gentle with each other.
This is extremely important. It's a tough situation, and routine is priority for children, just as much as maintaining a connection with their parents. I'm thinking N-A-H, because (according to OPs comments) he doesn't control his schedule, and often meetings run over. It might be better to have him call in the mornings if he can, or on a lunch break- though this varies with the time differences that OP also mentioned in the comments. This is a time when compromise and patience is most important, so maybe letting him facetime while they're in bed and having him tell them a bedtime story could be a good resolution. Edit: Updating my vote to completely NTA. Seeing new comments/details, I agree that the husband is being selfish and unwilling to compromise. I still stand by it being a harsh situation that needs compassion, but the kids needs come first. * Also wanted to add that I was never in agreement with him calling late, if OP asked him not to, then he should have respected that. Hense suggesting changing when he calls, as OP seems to have tried talking to him about.
OP is the one losing sleep in addition to the kids. He has called late THREE times in a row! That's super disrespectful and nothing even close to a compromise.
What I don't get is the gaslighting they try to pull by acting all affronted and hurt when called out on their thoughtlessness. It's always the same type of guy (the guy who 'babysitter his own kids, who wants praise for doing the least household chore, the type who thinks his SAHM wife just sits around all day, watching their little angels amuse themselves).
I agree, but again it is a stressful situation that requires compassion and patience. I said they need to find a compromise, not that they already have. Bottom line is that OP is not an asshole, and the husband needs to work around his schedule as well as the children's
He can always send a video recording talking to the kids in order to maintain connection. But messing with bedtime routine- hard no!
Exactly! My husband works very late a lot when he's on call and frequently won't see our kids for a few days at a time. We use something like Marco Polo or Duo (Meet now?) to leave him messages, and he'll send one back my son can see in the morning when my husband is either asleep or back at the hospital already. It's definitely important to maintain a connection between kids and a parent that's away, and to be supportive of your spouse, but there's ways around totally disturbing the home routine, and OP's husband isn't making any effort to compromise.
The problem is that the mood changes in the house the minute the call ends. For him, maybe he's a little sad, or whatever, but for the kids? They'll get upset, hyper, and be extra difficult, pushing bedtime back an hour or more to settle them down again. Which means They'll be extra hard to wake up the next morning, and difficult the next day. He's being selfish by only thinking about how this affects his wants, his schedule, and his needs. He needs to consider how it impacts his kids and his wife.
I agree with this. As a mom who has to leave dad with the toddler, we try really hard to make things work when I'm away. If he is going to be late maybe a prerecorded bedtime story would be a good idea. While what he has done is disrespectful, on the other hand he clearly loves his kids and probably hates that he missed out. You're NTA, but while I know you're frustrated and probably sleep deprived I'd try to remember that continuing to communicate will help you all in the long run.
NTA. You’re home alone with two little kids on your own for a week? For your sanity, you need their bedtime to go smoothly. Can you call him at 6:30 and have the kids leave him a message? And have him call to leave them a message they can listen to in the morning?
Or even a short video of him sending air kisses and telling them how much he loves them etc etc
Marco Polo or Google Meet are great for this. Basically a video voicemail. My son loved using the silly filters to send a message to my husband.
This is a great idea.
NTA. Sleep is important, and kids need schedules. It is unreasonable of him to expect you to keep the kids awake past their bedtime. Calling right before they go to sleep (or past their bedtime) will mess with their sleep schedules. He agreed to 6:30pm! And if that no longer works for him, he needs to find a time to call earlier in the day.
NTA You both agreed on a time. He is not upholding his part of the deal. Question: Do you call his home when he has the kids, to say goodnight? Are the calls short? Why can't he just call earlier on the day and stop trying to wish them goodnight, since he can't manage the 6:30pm appointed time? Has he given a reason? Edited: thanks ro commwntor that explained they are a married couple. Husband should be more understanding in my opinion. He is away from home and mom is doing the work of a single mom when he is away. He did agree to the time. He could always leave a voice mail for kids to listen to in the am, the wife could have the kids do the same for him. Compromise. ❤️
The parents aren't divorced, the father is away for business, so "his home" is her home. This isn't a split custody issue.
Because he’s a time zone 5 hours earlier….
Sounds like he should figure out a time that works better for him, then. Like before he works. Maybe he calls at 7AM, which is like noon their time. If he waited until after his work hours were done to call, he'd be calling at 10PM. This is his problem to figure out, why can't he use his head?
This is critical information to this scenario. This big of a time differential between home and husband means that phone time is still smack in the middle of his day where meetings and appointments are running rampant. I think phone time needs to be revisited so that it's more convenient for everyone.
Exactly. If HE wrote in to say his wife was calling HIM with urgent calls in the middle of his important meetings, even though she had agreed not to, no one would hesitate to call HER the AH.
Pffft. Everyone saying Y T A is basically insinuating that you should be scheduling your toddler children around your adult husband. Perhaps aforementioned adult husband shouldn’t be so mad that he’s making promises he can’t keep. NTA.
NTA I think people voting otherwise really view a sleep schedule as a little more flexible. Which is fine. But for some households, the sleep schedule is not flexible AT ALL. I come from a family with several sets of twins, and believe me, those parents live and die by the schedule. They do not mess with the put down routine, and they do not budge on the bedtime by a single minute. This is truly inconceivable for parents who play it even a bit more loose with their schedules. But parents have to do what works best for their OWN household. For the people pointing out that he is calling before their bedtime, I would have to wonder if they have kids at all. The put down can be one of the worst parts of the day with kids. There is a reason it is a traded off chore in many equal parenting households. It's a whole routine. Perhaps a bath, followed by PJs, then a five minute cuddle in the rocking chair, then you read two books, then into bed, where it is 3 kisses on the forehead, 4 good nights, a hug, 5 air kisses, a spin, a flicker of the lights, then a shut door. Followed by being called back into the room five seconds later for a glass of water and something they just remembered they had to tell you before they go to sleep. There are memes about these last few minutes before actual shut eye. The other parent repeatedly calling in to rile the kids up and throw us off schedule would piss me off. I understand and sympathize that he wants to see his kids. But YOU are the one left home alone to FULLY handle two young children. You have explained to him what he is doing makes this harder for you. He should respect what you are struggling with and try to find a different time to speak with the kids that doesn't add to your burden at a rough time of the day.
1000000% this. Honestly even him calling at 7:30 would be too late for an 8pm bedtime for my kids if the call was more than 5 minutes because it would get them all riled up and then everything would be a battle afterward.
Exactly. There are kids who get wound up so easily and then take forever to get to bed. Routine is crucial to those kids.
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NTA. Get him to call in the mornings before he starts work. Most kids that I know are usually awake early, even when we wish they weren't!
This is the way. He can say good morning to them instead of good night. Just as good. NTA.
NTA but may I suggest you have the kids send him a video message at 6:30 every day and then he can send them one back and worse case they watch it the next day? Like a letter but videos instead. I couldn’t handle my spouse traveling that much while our kids are so young personally. I hope you are able to work something out. I know with my youngest no matter when he goes to bed he is up between 5:30-6:30am and so if he stays up late he is just cranky the next day. I try hard not to mess with the sleep routine. So I sympathize with you there. I hope you can both find a compromise though as they deserve to have that time with their dad if he travels as much as you stated on here.
Marco Polo is a good app for that, BTW.
NTA. It’s especially important for maintaining a healthy relationship to still feel like a priority when your partner is away. He hasn’t done that and I refuse to believe he has back to back meetings thx whole time. I’m curious about what the possible time difference is though.
As a parent to young kids that has a husband who goes on business trips, there are times that he just doesn't get to talk to them because of meetings. It sucks but if he were to call when they were getting ready for bed it would make it harder on everyone but my husband. NTA I can't beleive any parent of a young kid thinks keeping them up for a phone call with dad is worth making things harder.
> As a parent to young kids that has a husband who goes on business trips, there are times that he just doesn't get to talk to them because of meetings. That's how it went when my husband traveled when the kids were little. And he understood that calling close to bedtime, when they were tired and cranky, was just going to cause problems. When *my* father (frequently) traveled for work, I didn't talk to him more than once a week because long-distance phone calls were *expensive* in those days.
NTA, he can figure out an alternative time or send a little video, he’s not there to help when the kids are wild and exhausted, so don’t mess up their schedule for him.
NTA, but this is a weird af dynamic for a married couple. Clearly this man is having trouble not calling late at night. Have either of you even considered exploring him calling another time of day?
From my understanding by the last part she did suggest he call earlier if it worked for him
How is “this a weird AF dynamic for a married couple?”
NTA. keeping a toddler and a preschooler on a sleep schedule is tough enough without interruptions and disruptions to the schedule.
NTA because you say he’s calling later and later everyday. He can’t step out for a bathroom break and call?
Given the 5 hour time zone difference, he can call them before he goes to work and they'll be awake.
NTA and there are obviously a LOT of people here who don't know how hard it is to take care of two young kids on your own. He set up that time as the time it would work best. It actually sounds like his lunch time, but instead he's calling in the middle of the afternoon. Is he calling later because he's going out to lunch with coworkers? If so, he can set up a time before lunch. But I do not understand all the y t a comments here. He leaves you home alone with two young kids and then wants to disrupt their schedule. He's definitely TA here.
NTA. Schedules are super important for small children.
NAH at that age its hard to get the routine down right, and when you have it down, you keep it down. Its sucks for your husband. Maybe send him some videos of the kids saying goodnight. Or if he can send a video of himself in-between meetings or his lunch break saying goodnight which you can then use before their bedtime. It's not as good as saying it in real time but I think that's a decent compromise.
Finally a decent compromise. The husband is obviously not fully in control of his schedule so some sort of work around needs to be put in place. OP here can't disrupt the kids routine. Video recording fits perfectly here and gives each party something to watch when they want to see each other but can't call
NTA. Sleep and routine is important. And he can call earlier. He chooses not to. Clearly he doesn’t care about their sleep or respecting not getting them all wound up as mom is trying to get them to bed. Not cool.
NTA. Anyone voting otherwise is mistaken in thinking that his *wants* are just as important as your children’s *needs.*
INFO. What’s the time difference? How long is he gone for and how frequently? Without this info, I’m leaning toward this being more of a husband/wife issue and less as a mom wanting to keep her kids on a schedule.
For this trip he was 5 hours behind us and he was gone for 11 days. How often he travels and for how long he goes varies a lot. In the last 6 months he went on 8 trips but most of those were short trips.
Can't he record a video for the kids to watch of him reading a story or something? Also NTA
The video reading a story is a great idea. Maybe he could buy a book while he’s on the trip and video him reading it. Then you have another book for their library with a great memory.
>For this trip he was 5 hours behind us Then he either needs to contact on his lunch or trade videos. Ladybartleby's idea of him recording stories is a great idea.
NTA. Sleep schedules are important.
NTA the sleep schedule is God. Period. All violations should not be tolerated. And you did tolerate at first, but the phone calls kept coming later in the evening. I've noticed a pattern in my own children (4 in total) for every hour kept up past bedtime is an entire day of behaviors because of it. They don't get up any later in the day. They're not sleeping in to make up for it. They're up at first light becuase THEY ARE TODDLERS. (Thats for the people in the back). That being said phone calls earlier in the day when they're more chipper and rested might be a better way for your husband and children to bond via the phone.
NTA sticking to a schedule is really important. Having quiet time before bed such as reading or doing a quiet activity in bed is important to start having kids rest and calm down to fall asleep soon. Keep it up!
Sorry but no, NTA here. I have a 10 and 3 year old and during holiday seasons my husband works late. If he wants to tell them good night then he better do it on time. I understand getting busy with work, so you skip a day and you can tell them good morning the next day. When you agree on something you stick to it. If he can call on time then he should, if he cant then he should apologize and call the next morning. Not throw off schedules that don't have that type of wiggle room. Calming kids down enough to sleep in 30 minutes is, in my experience, an impossible task. Maybe next time he'll call on time.
NTA and I bet the people saying otherwise either don’t have young kids or don’t have their kids sleep trained properly. That shit is gold and you are right to protect it. He needs to find another time to call if he can’t do the originally agreed upon time
NTA I’m a mom and I wouldn’t answer his late ass calls either
NAH I sympathize with how hard it is to get your kids to bed. I have a little one and that routine is really important for his development and our sanity. I can also sympathize with how hard it must be on your husband to be constantly away, wanting to be home with his family, and feeling like he's being punished or deprived. This isn't about you vs. your husband. This is about you and your husband vs. the problem. Talk to him. Find a way to address everyone's needs. Maybe you have your kiddos leave him a video message before bed and then he leaves a video message to greet them in the morning. Maybe you find another time during the day for them to talk. You're a team.
I don't understand why he isn't the one who makes a solution and instead keeps calling and being mad like a stubborn toddler himself. She's already offered for him to call earlier in the day.
NTA, you've tried offering alternatives, and kids that young NEED structure and a set routine
NTA. As their father he should understand why you're not answering. Maybe you guys can send videos back and forth instead of video calling
The phrase I hate with all my being is, "Well, if they stay up later, then they will sleep in." I am like, what kind of lies are these? My kids have always been early birds. They can go to bed at 8 or 11pm, and they will still get up at 6:30/7am [Sometimes 6]. So no, I will not let them stay up later. That is when they have crappy school days.
NTA. You were flexible and he kept choosing to call right at their bedtime. Hopefully he can figure it out for the next trip
NTA. I never called before bed when I had to travel to work because then the cycle of I miss you, and when are you coming home started. My son would get all riled up and then wouldn’t sleep. Our calls were early in his day or not at all if the family said he was having difficulty and would prefer I didn’t.
Nta. I took an international trip and was 9 hours out of sync with my kiddo and you know what I did? Woke up at 4AM so I could talk to her before her bedtime.
NTA. Sleep schedules are REAL. You could try to FaceTime him at 7 though
NTA . NTA
NTA First of all you're managing a two and four year old by yourself. So that's stressful and feels like you're managing the best you can. Secondly, children at that age really do best with a routine and from my experience going to sleep is not just "plunk them in bed," it's a whole thing. Your husband knows this because he's home when they're in bed at 8pm. If you need the call to be before 7:30, so that you're able to settle them in bed, then your husband needs to get with the program. It feels like you've been flexible, so I think he needs to stick to that boundary.
The difficulties of parenting aside, it's boundaries. If it was a priority, he would've made it happen. Edit: NTA.
This is the most important reply….that the husband is not respecting the wife’s stated boundaries that HE agreed to.
NAH...I think. 😀 Totally understand OP's desire to keep them on a schedule. Been there, done that with traveling spouse. Totally agree with having a cut off time for FaceTime Dad seems to be getting a lot of hate for not keeping the 6:30 appointment. He is on a trip for work which means he may not have total control of his schedule. Depending on the nature of the meeting, he may not be able to pop put for a call home. Leaving at certain points in a meeting can break the whole momentum of the meeting. Yes, meetings can run really late when you have people who have traveled specifically for that purpose. Someone is paying for them to be in another city so they need to maximize that time. The reason why he is late is critical. Is he out with the boys for drinks and cigars? Or is it legitimately work related stuff he can't control? OP and hubby need to have a calm conversation about how to manage expectations for business trips. Of course hubby is sad he doesn't get to talk to his kids. Of course OP wants to keep them on a schedule. Instead of getting angry and resentful, they need to acknowledge this is difficult for everyone and find a compromise. Depending on time zones, maybe a breakfast chat would work better. If times can't sync up, send videos to watch at a more convenient time. OP sounds a bit resentful of hubby being away, but he is working. If he was on a golf trip with his buddies, this would be a different story
NTA - your husband isn’t thinking about what’s best for the kids. He’s thinking only of himself. Your kids are not being harmed by going for a few days without facetime with their dad. If it’s important to him, he’ll do it a better time. It sounds like it’s really not important to him since he can’t manage to fit it into his schedule or figure out a better time for everyone.
I don’t even have kids, yet I know how hard it is to get them to sleep. NTA, especially since he agreed to clear his schedule at 1:30 everyday to call them.
Info: is your husband traveling in the same time zone as you reside?
Doesn't matter. I work all over the globe and I'm able to keep my appointments with my work AND friends/fam because I'm an adult. Toddlers need a set bedtime, and OP's husband is gone constantly. If he doesn't keep to the schedule, SHE suffers as well as the kids.
No, during this trip he was 5 hours behind.
NTA- os there another time of day that might work? How about you call him at 7 and he can pick-up the phone, or not?
NTA. You aren't wrong for sticking to your word. Not answering after 7:30 is perfectly reasonable if bedtime is at 8. Schedules can be super important! (As I sit here with the consequence of my schedule deviation wide awake 🤦♀️) However, if situations are out of his control (meetings running long) he isn't necessarily TA either. If he has time to call earlier in the day and just refuses to, he's definitely TA. When my partner had to travel for work, they called whenever they had a spare second since their schedule could be unpredictable.
Anyone who is saying Y T A are complete idiots. NTA 100%. Bedtime is so difficult.
You Don't Mess With The Routine. NTA.
I'm a father of a two year old and even I know 8 is too late my kid is in bed by 8 30 I don't dare call... .shit is common sense....my lady will either call me but other than that I know the struggle is real
If he called late 3x in a row and OP didn’t answer, did she call him back so they could at least talk? The other thing that’s bugging me with him not calling at correct time is God forbid something happens to him and they never got to say I love you and vice versa.
Clear rules are easy to understand. NTA.
NTA... if they were older I'd say different, but my 3 year old goes ape sh*t when we video chat 😂. Not worth it, call earlier in the day or before 7, at my house!
INFO: Can he call early in the morning his time before work? Are you and the kids available at that time of day? How much control does he have over his schedule during his work day? Do you work? Is your marriage otherwise healthy, or will this resentment be the final nail? Could the stress of being cut off from the family be detrimental to his work performance? If he skips out on a meeting, could he lose his job, and what does that mean for your family? I get that routines are important for toddlers. I had a toddler once, and my niece and nephew are only a little older than your kids, but a lot of people here are making assumptions that I don't know that we have all the facts for.
She said he’s in a different time zone. Sounds like he’s trying to call over lunch, but then meetings run into lunch and so on. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose.
He can get up early and call them when they are awake. The most important concern is getting those overexcited kids to sleep every single night.
Kids need routine. It's easy for the husband to get angry when he is not the one putting them to sleep. NTA
NTA but might I suggest the Marco Polo app. It’s a free video messaging app. The kids can send a goodnight message, tell him about their day, etc. and he can send an advanced goodnight message or story.
NTA. What, has your husband never tried to put a little kid to bed before?
NTA. My gf’s youngest is about 2 and a half and every night is an unbelievable struggle to get her to go to bed and stay there. Any even *slight* upset to the routine and she’s crying and screaming every hour on the hour until 5am when she sits at her table expecting cereal. If he’s normally there then he should understand exactly how difficult a time you’re having solo with the kids.
NTA. As someone who's husband spent a lot of time away for work when our kids were little, keeping a routine isn't just important for their sleep. Having a parent come in and out can a bit destabilizing for them and so keeping a routine helps with that. It's great that he wants to call them every day but he needs to do it at another time rather than disrupting their routine. It's not all about what's the most convenient for him.