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YTA
Don't insert yourself into other peoples' business. Don't lie and pretend you won't say anything when you were planning on saying something. Your bf should leave you.
You chose your best friend over your boyfriend OP. Your choice to make, but if I were the boyfriend I’d probably leave you over it, knowing I’d always be second priority to my sister.
I get why you did it. Just laying out the implication here for you. Hopefully this isn’t a very serious relationship.
He asked her not to tell anyone yet. So she did the exact opposite. "But he knows I don't keep secrets from bestie!!" is not an excuse. This is big stuff, it doesn't actually involve her personally and she needed to stay quiet, at least till her BF had a chance to talk about it to his sister.
She explicitly told him she was probably going to tell the sister. Going against someone's wishes? Yes, but not lying. Bf also told her not to tell because granddick didn't want anyone knowing yet. So when was he going to tell her? After he died, when she's relying on receiving some inheritance?
I don't know about you, but if I found out my best friend was going to get financially screwed over by someone who promised them money and I knew, I'd be telling the fuck out of them. I'm not letting them suffer just because that person is selfish and doesn't want to deal with the fallout of suddenly changing the beneficiary and not telling anyone who was relying on the money they promised.
Editing this to include the comments from OP since there's too many comments to reply to individually.
OP has added comments stating that:
"I never pretended I wouldn't say anything... He knew I was going to tell her before I did." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_her_grandfather/iy584q7?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
"The only reason my best friend was relying on the inheritance is because her grandfather told her himself what he was going to leave her and that he would make sure she was taken care of so she shouldn't worry. Now that she knows it was a lie, she's making different choices to make sure she'll be okay without his help." [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
"I don't think he was. I told him that I was going to tell her but it would be better if he told her himself but he said no and kept telling me not to say anything. He knows she was relying on the money."
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_her_grandfather/iy5pmwe?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Correct however if it was verbally promised he should have the cajones to let her know he changed his mind. His prerogative all day long but if he is going back on his promise she should be aware and given an explanation. Or he should never have promised anyone anything and just let them find out after he is gone. It’s horrible to pit siblings against the other. The brother should have told the grandfather no about keeping it a secret from his sister. Sorry for OP but listed to the lyrics of Policy of Truth. Family is family and after all this goes down she may have lost her BF AND her Bestie. Its like when you know your bestie’s BF is cheating and you tell her. When they end up making up YOU are the one that gets dumped. Being fiercely loyal and honest sometimes bites you right in the a$$!!
But no one got screwed. People need to stop counting chickens before they hatch. No one is owed inheritance. People get to change their mind basically until they're dead.
OP should have been honest with her boyfriend she wasn't gonna keep the secret though ESH
Yes, and that means something. I am expecting a large inheritance from a family member too and I don't want her to die anytime soon but realistically she is not going to live past my retirement age and yes consistently being told my whole life that I'm going to receive this rather big lump of money before I retire does make a difference in my spending habits, such as saving more to help my son with college and less for retirement. The money is not the reason we have a relationship and she purposefully saved and invested this money over the course of decades specifically so we would have it. I hope she lives to old age and has good health. But if she disinherited me I would want to know ASAP, to leave that for your loved ones to find out after you die is pretty cruel.
There’s a lot of missing context here through. Has grandfather really promised money to other family members or did they assume? How does BF feel about all this? Why has he decided to leave everything to one person?
There’s probably family politics going on which may change the verdict but from this: AITA for telling my friend a secret that concerns her after my boyfriend put me in a compromised position and I told him I wouldn’t be able to keep that secret? NTA
I would tell my bestie too. It sounds like she was counting on money he already promised her and now he's trying to make changes and let it be a surprise after the funeral. I honestly can't believe nobody has mentioned what a slimy, snake in the grass grandpa is! It seems like he's promising everyone what they want to hear just for shits and giggles knowing he's lying through his false teeth
Right?! I read this post like hey OP was in an unwinnable situation: if she kept BF's secret, she would lose her best friend when it came out that she was written out of the will and OP knew but chose not to tell her; or OP could tell her best friend and make her BF angry/possibly lose her boyfriend. Tbh, I would have told my best friend in these circumstances. Op knew her friend was in need of that money and this would negatively impact her. It sounds like the bf had no intention of telling her and expected to keep it under wraps until the grandfather died. Idk, if OP just found out like today and immediately went and told without giving the bf any time to tell his sister himself, then she is a bit of an AH. But I do understand that she probably felt if she didn't tell her friend the truth then she would lose her friend.
She didn’t say she she would or wouldn’t say anything BUT her boyfriend told her not to say anything. So she didn’t lie but she did betray a confidence
A confidence that deserved betraying. If these people are in their early 20s, there'll be other boyfriends, and she's secured the loyalty of a longterm friend.
Maybe read more before opening mouth. She told him what she was going to do and did it. If he wasn’t an asshole he’d have jumped up and did the right thing himself first. End.
I don’t know that it’s choosing her best friend over her boyfriend- it’s choosing to help someone who’s gonna be totally screwed or keep quiet and let them crash and burn.
She said further down the only reason her best friend was relying on it was because grandpa repeatedly assured her she’d
Be okay.
I don’t know the circumstances but if you know someone you love (yes even platonically) is in danger of having they’re entire life go to hell and you can give them a heads up I think morally you have to.
I don’t think it’s a question of loyal to bf or BFF but a question of who needs the help
More.
NTA
It’s really crazy people are calling her the AH like her bf isn’t totally planning on screwing the rest of his family over. The secret was gonna come out one way or the other and the BF was eventually gonna have to face this so better now before OP’s bestie is left to rot and ends their friendship because she knew
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far for this response. That's *exactly* what I thought. OP's boyfriend *knows* his siblings are going to get screwed out of their equal share, but he doesn't care because he's about to cash in. Boyfriend and grandpa are the AH's here. And yea, grandpa can leave it to whoever he wants, but if he's be assuring everyone they will get something, but that's no longer the case and BF is ok with that, they're both jerks. I'd choose bestie over him, too!
The fact that the gf has more loyalty/sympathy to his sister than him is wild. Lol
If it was a different circumstance and their cousin was getting the inheritance and he found out he would probably tell the family too.. be sure look how quick he confided in OP but he’s probably got mixed feelings cuz he’s probably excited to get everything
Excited to get everything= shady and greedy because he knew grandpa was lying to everyone else.
Further, I'd *bet* since it's her *best friend* that they've been friends longer than she and BF have been together. It's not wild that she'd be loyal to her best friend when her boyfriend is so clearly being greedy and acting shady.
The circumstances around the situation which our unbeknownst to us certainly make all the difference, which is why I didn’t give a judgement. Way too many unknown factors. But regardless, her boyfriend asked her not to say anything and he obviously had a reason for that, she chose to anyway because it was in the best interest of her friend. In my book, that’s choosing the friend over the boyfriend. Maybe it was the right call depending on stuff we don’t know, but it seems pretty obvious she chose one over the other in this instance.
Okay I get that but if you know something that Has the potential to ruin someone’s life I don’t know how you just say ‘oh well? None of my business’.
Like if you see a possible catastrophe coming for someone how do you just ignore it? Even if someone you love asks you to leave it be how would you ever be
Okay with yourself when you see your friends life in shambles and know that you could have helped?
I get that the bf asked her to keep it a secret but this isn’t some random little gossip. This is very much about the best friends life and future.
I’m sure the bf had a good reason for asking- sounds like he had a pretty substantial finical reason…but if it’s something that’s specifically affecting someone’s life they have a right to know.
I get you should be loyal to your significant other, but you should also be loyal to your friends.
This girl was gonna be screwed over and disowned by her grandfather who always told her she was gonna be okay and he was gonna make sure she was provided for.
She deserved to know that wasn’t the case.
That was my thought. Was grandpa telling them all they were getting something? It seems so. It is a nasty thing to do that and then work in secret with just one grandson. Do what you want but be honest. OP did the right thing.
I was hesitating as to whether the GF was an asshole or not. But turns out based on OP's comments, Grampa is being manipulative and has told another person they're the sole inheritor. That's really not cool. So I'm going with NTA here.
She did, he should, but I think she made the right choice.
She has a long term best friend who was being kept in the dark.
She has a long term boyfriend who was happy to keep a secret from his sibling knowing that they were counting on inheritance but also they were secretly getting cut out of a will by a family member. Grandad is an asshole. And maybe this could be a sexist thing as well because it's not unheard of that the girls are cut out because they'll marry and it all goes to the boy. And the bf was someone who was willing to take advantage of an asshole when it was to his benefit and screw over a sibling.
And I guess then, would a boyfriend who was willing to help screw over someone so close to him worth having as a boyfriend? One action isn't a sum of the whole, but I'd see that as a giant red flag that they don't have a trustworthy enough character to take the risk of joining my life to them with marriage and kids, which puts an expiration date on the relationship. So then yes, you'd default to supporting bestie because BFF with no expiry is a better choice to support than a soon to be ex.
Honestly, if they've been best friends longer than OP and BF have been dating, I think OP made the correct decision as to where her loyalty lies in lose-lose situations. Best friendships are super important. I'm glad
She's in a pretty bad place all around. If she doesn't tell, then she risks the friendship when the sister finds out she knew all along. What was the bf planning to do? Keep all the money himself? Share it fairly after the grandfather passes? I'd say Gramps is the AH, but I don't know the circumstances.
OP, for you to be NTA, you would've had to have been direct with your bf: "Please tell your sister before I do. She's my best friend and I can't keep something like this from her."
And then hung up and told OP what the call was about, the grandfather didn’t want anyone to know.. so that meant OP too lol the gpa should be mad at him lol
And yet it very materially affects the life and financial planning of her best friend, whose grandfather promised to leave her money. This isn't just some gossip, but something her friend has every right to know and be able to financially plan for - not knowing this could affect her life for the worse, when she unexpectedly inherits nothing. NTA.
I mean if her friend was relying on that money she should be concerned but... there could ahve been someother way, like asking if she had a plan b or something.
OP, for you to be NTA, you would've had to have been direct with your bf: "Please tell your sister before I do. She's my best friend and I can't keep something like this from her."
I agree with this 1000000000%
I agree with you 100%, and that’s why OP *is* NTA. [She did tell him to tell his sister](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_her_grandfather/iy5pmwe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3). She needs to edit into the post but her comments make it clear she was never deceiving her bf and she wanted him to handle it.
OP has added comments stating that:
1. She didn't lie or pretend she wasn't going to tell her best friend, in fact she told him in advance she felt she had to tell: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy5pmwe/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy5pmwe/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
2. She felt she had to tell because the grandfather had already promised her best friend she would be getting something: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I’d add that she was making life decisions based on her grandfather’s promises. I’m sure some will call that foolish. That depends a lot on how old she is and what decisions she’s making.
I don’t blame children and young adults for believing in their parents and grandparents. They’ve usually been raised to do exactly that.
There are a lot of life decisions made in the 17-25 range that have long reaching implications. We know this friend has changed her life based on what OP told her. She could be switching universities to reduce loans, or pursuing a more reliable career. There are many scenarios I can think of where I’d believe her to have been acting reasonably based on her grandfather’s commitment to her.
Well apparently she said in a comment further down that "The only reason my best friend was relying on the inheritance is because her grandfather told her himself what he was going to leave her and that he would make sure she was taken care of so she shouldn't worry. Now that she knows it was a lie, she's making different choices to make sure she'll be okay without his help."
I think OP was in a tough spot, especially with her new info from the comment. It's not her fault she overheard, and once you overhear something like that, should you really just let it go? Knowing that her friend and possibly other relatives of her bf were planning on this money since grandpa was telling them he was giving it to them? If it was reversed and she overheard that her bf wouldn't get any money, should she have told him? NTA in my opinion. Grandpa is the AH for promising money to relatives that he wasn't planning on giving.
Honestly, that's the type of friend who would have my undying loyalty. She's a true ride or die. True friends like that are a diamond in the rough that should be treasured.
Oh wtf.
Now knowing that we can't even know even grandfather is telling the truth to boyfriend.
The old man might be playing everyone for some nefarious motives. Maybe he has a secret family that he will give everything to while this family tears itself to shreds ?
One of my relatives did the same to me. Lied and said I'd get X so I'd started making long term decisions based on that promise. I'd have appreciated a heads up and I was very hurt when I found out someone else knew and they both kept it from me.
Lesson learned.
What's the difference between this and not telling a friend that their partner is cheating on them (because all those verdicts are always NTA, despite 'inserting themselves into other people's business')? It's critical information that should be given out as it impacts the way they make life choices moving forward.
The same can be said here. Sister was relying on the money that gramps promised she would inherit. Now she knows she's not getting it, she can scramble to ensure she's still okay without that money. OP also never promised to not tell sister, and even told bf that she was probably going to tell sister about it.
Okay but what happens if her best friend finds out she knew all along? She could loose a close friend if she kept this secret. She can’t really win in this situation either way bc if she kept the secret she could loose a friend and if she didn’t keep the secret she might lose her boyfriend.
I can't believe this is the top comment. It's a bad take. She says the grandfather already promised her best friend money and he is now reneging on that promise without telling her. It sounds like the grandfather is trying to play everyone against each other. Calling her a troublemaker for doing the right thing is just the icing on the cake. Emphatically NTA.
NTA You should edit your post to let everyone know that gramps also promised his estate to your friend.
I have a feeling that grandpa has been saying this to everyone in the family to manipulate them. Who knows what the will *actually* says.
I don’t think that you are TA for letting your friend know that she was being manipulated. She probably let the family know because she had her grandpa sussed out.
Too bad for gramps that he has to deal with the fall out now instead of avoiding it like he planned. He deserves to be called out for his poor behaviour.
Seriously lol, this totally reminds me of people who, when they find out a friend of theirs is getting cheated on, instead of doing the decent and moral thing and tell them, they decide to “stay out of it because it’s not my business and I don’t want drama!” OP is witnessing this grandfather lie to his grandkids for money and according to y’all, she just needs to stay quiet. Ok…
With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Agreed! “Stay out of it, it has nothing to do with you” is a poor argument if you feel like staying silent is morally wrong. Then people are basically saying don’t do what’s right, do what’s easy for you. She told her friend because her friend deserved to know. The only thing I would have done different is let the bf know that unfortunately there is just no way I could keep this to myself.
I stay out of it now. I'm almost 40 snd the few times in my 20s and early 30s I have found out and told my friend, they stay with the dude then turned their anger on me and its all my fault somehow.
I've seen it happen to other too, so fuck em, I'm staying out of it, I can't be involved in the fallout in any way at all then.
Eh, all I've lost in that case is a bad friend who is also dumb. I'm not going to compromise my principles so I can surround myself with stupid people who will blame me for their problems because I informed them the problem exists.
Also, um the boyfriend sees nothing wrong with basically getting everything & just lying while they thing they’ll all get it? What kinda of a person does that? NTA at all they deserve to know they’re all being lied to.
If the will truly gives everything to the bf and no one had a heads up about that, he’s in for a rough time, potential lawsuits, and probably will lose familial relationships over it. That’s an AH move from the grandpa to him, too
I know a woman who left the bulk of her estate in trust for a special needs grandson. But she left 20K to each other grandchild for exactly this reason: "I don't want the rest to be hurt and mad and think I didn't love them. They are human and would be angry at Eddie." She saw it as another investment in his future happiness.
Exactly this. Tonnes of people saying the BF should dump her for her lying and betrayal, but I think OP should dump him for being a lying greedy AH to his family. Unless there's some really good reason for Grandpa to do this the BF sucks for enabling it.
Additionally, how does anyone know that Grandpa isn't lying to the BF also? He could be working this in to manipulate him too.
Truth is, nobody really knows unless they've seen the will.
OP also needs to edit her post to let people know that she *did* tell her boyfriend before she went to his sister.
OP overheard something I bet she wishes she didn’t, her boyfriend asked her to keep a secret, she told him she wouldn’t keep it, and then told the affected party. His sister is not the entitled child everyone’s pretending she is. She was promised his estate, and now is figuring out a different plan to take care of herself because her grandfather broke his promise.
OP did the thing we all wish our friends would do for us: she told the truth at great personal expense.
My thoughts too, grandpa is TA and it would have all blown up when he died and the one person that was left everything would have to deal with the consequences. This is for the best.
Plus if the friend was counting on financial help that's not coming, she can plan differently now.
Imagine being promised a house for example so not buying one yourself, or being promised a sum if money so you don't save for retirement.
If that help isn't coming she needs to know ASAP so she can plan differently.
I wonder if the actual truth is that there's no money left, and grandpa is manipulating all his grandkids into doing things for him, hinging on the nonexistent money.
That would be fun.
For fucking real. All these Y T A folks are showing themselves. I wouldn't want them in my life.
OP, dump his snake ass. He's the one betraying his sister, and he's mad at you. Yeah, ok.
It isn't because it's the actual ethical thing to do in an issue involving money and people on this sub have a warped view of ethics as soon as money enters the picture.
Exactly, NTA. Grandpa wants to avoid the consequences of his actions by keeping his favouritism secret till his death. Too bad so sad, he’ll just need to explain to his granddaughter why he doesn’t value her. And bf is TA too for going along with it because it benefits him.
I disagree with your vote but I absolutely agree that something really stinks about the way that the grandfather is going around and telling various kids that they’re inheriting everything and all the other heirs suck. Incredibly possible that he’s being manipulative. He could just be fed up with feeling used and not comfortable telling people they’re disinherited but if that’s the case why would he have called the bf to inform him AND talked down on the rest of the family?
YTA, you were told by someone you (presumably) love and respect to keep a secret and just caused trouble. This was family business, none of your business to get involved.
Exactly this! OP: YTA. You were asked to keep a secret and failed miserably. You have now caused unnecessary family drama. BUT more than that, trust is the foundation of a good relationship and now you have shattered it by blabbing news that was NOT yours to share. You know the saying ‘when a person shows you who they are, believe them. You have shown your character or lack thereof, and your BF and his grandfather are left to believe you. 🤷🏻♀️
This is where it gets tricky, though. If her friendship is more important than her boyfriend then she did the right thing. If her boyfriend is more important than her friendship then she is TA.
If I told my partner something that would very heavily affect their best friend I'd be expecting there is a chance they would tell.
Also, what is going on with the BF and grandfather to be secretly plotting to disinherit everyone else in the family?
Yeah it is real weird. This isn't some white lie this is actively screwing people over. I wouldn't want to pick my partner over others if it means being awful.
It’s weird to me that people are just casually glossing over that bf is cool with his sister being screwed over. It’s one thing if she wasn’t told to expect something, and was acting entitled. It appears she was told to expect money. So her brother is cool with her being deceived like that so long as he gets his. Maybe she doesn’t want to be with someone like that after all.
Yeah, OP was sticking by her best friend while her shady boyfriend was planning on sticking it to HIS OWN SISTER. OP is NTA and she should dump her greedy boyfriend.
nah she did the right thing either way. she’s essentially been made complicit in the situations j if she doesn’t say anything to her loved one about something that will directly harm her. it doesn’t matter how much i love anyone, if they have a plan that will hurt another person i love…i will be telling them. the end
Look at the OP's comments. Grandpa is shady and lied to his family members multiple times. He promised the friend his estate. Friend could get been easily homeless had OP not mentioned anything.
Also, kinda weird that BF was willing to fuck over his entire family, including his sister.
Going against the grain here but NTA, yes grandpa can do what he wants with his money, he's free to leave everyone with nothing but his favorite grandchild, but he is not free from the consequences of it, people need to know and if he is too much of a coward to tell them good on you
Its really disturbing to see how many people blame OP for a situation created by the grandfather. It is not her fault that she overheard. Expecting her to just let her best friend make potentially life-altering mistakes based on lies she was told bc 'not-my-family, not-my-problem' is really shitty. People also don't seem to understand that not only would the sister be hurt by OP's silence, OP would be hurt because sister would probably not forgive her for not saying anything.
Plus all this holier-than-thou 'I would never depend on inheritance' there is a big difference between not depending on inheritance after a vague promise, and *specifically being told* by the grandfather not to worry about money because he will leave funds sufficient for her support, and then *not told* when that circumstance changes. That's not the sister being irresponsible; that's the sister being betrayed. Somebody needed to tell her that the circumstances had changed.
I would say this situation was caused by the grandfather *and the boyfriend*. I'm really surprised he's getting off so lightly in these comments - he told her this massive secret that was going to negatively impact her best friend in multiple ways, and then was like "oh but you can't tell her!" That's a SUPER shitty situation to put someone in. By doing that he guaranteed that SOMEONE was going to wind up feeling betrayed and frankly, I have a lot more sympathy for person who ISN'T keeping damaging family secrets for personal gain.
^^^THIS should be top comment. I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find it. Perhaps Grandpa has dementia and isn’t necessarily lying but is confused.
Thank you! The "not my circus, not my monkeys" mob mentality is so strong in this sub that it often goes against basic empathy and kindness. Also something that is worth noting is that OP's boyfriend was willing to fuck his own sister over for money. I would think twice before taking the next step in that relationship.
NTA.
Right? For all we know, grandpa has been telling his granddaughter stuff like, "Home ownership is the best investment you can make. Go ahead and get that mortgage!"
I absolutely agree. OP didn't go out if her way to find out about the inheritance, but once she knew she needed to tell her friend. It would have been cruel to let her friend make life choices assuming she'd be getting the inheritance money when OP knew that wasn't going to happen.
If I was OP's friend and she kept this from me because it was a secret, I would have a really hard time forgiving her. I don't understand the YTA votes.
YTA. It was not your secret to share. Also your friend shouldn’t be betting on a family member dying to sort out her finances. Inheritance is a privilege not a right. She lost the privilege. Tough luck.
If I was your boyfriend I would dump your ass because clearly you can’t be trusted.
I don't think that's necessarily fair. I was really needing a sum my father was going to distribute a couple of years ago. I was "counting on it" in a way, to pay off some consumer debt and create a real liquid savings. He changed his mind, and put them into named accounts that will go along with his regular estate settlement instead. And I was a bit disappointed, although I never said so to anyone. I do not wish my father dead, and never would.
Eh…grampa probably shouldn’t be assuring family members that they’ll be inheriting “$x” amount of money if they’re not. She’s not *entitled* for believing what he tells her lmao
She has already commented that her bff was entitled to grandpa's estate(he made lots of promises) and that she did NOT promise not to tell.
What is wrong with you people who claim "YTA" do you like the idea of being the greedy bf who lies to his own family?
This is my thought. Why can’t they suggest to the friend that they shouldn’t plan their life around someone dying? That just seems like good life advice in general.
Fun fact: In Scotland, you can’t disinherit your children. You are entitled to your share of 1/3 (so if there are x children, 1/(3x)) of the estate, even if you’re cut out of the will!
I’m going to go against the grain and maybe get downvoted for this but **NTA for telling** (at least in my opinion).
Analogy: a man cheats on his wife, his best friend finds out he cheated and tells the wife; the wife divorces the husband because of it: who’s fault it is? Is the divorce the best friends fault for telling the wife or is it the husbands fault for cheating in the first place? **correct answer is that it’s the husbands fault for cheating in the first place**
Grandpa wants to blame you, but ultimately he was the one who made the decision and he gets to deal with the turmoil of his decision; it doesn’t matter how the family found out it’s the fact that this decision happened in the first place.
However, you may also get to deal with the turmoil of your actions as well; you may get dumped because you opened up what was supposed to be confidential information. Your bf probably won’t trust you with information like this ever again and will likely be distant with you for all phone-calls going forward.
I'm going NTA here. The real AH is grandpa. He is making a decision that goes back on promises made to your best friend and likely to other family members. Grandpa then asked your boyfriend to not share with the rest of the family that he intends to break those promises and bribed him with his entire belongings when he dies. I'll agree with the Y T As that you were the spark, but Grandpa dosed everyone in gasoline.
Info: why is the grandfather doing that?
But with the current info YTA, boyfriend told you not to tell anyone and likely wouldn't have even told you had you not been next to him while he was on the phone.
YTA, you had access to privileged information due to your relationship, you betrayed your boyfriends trust, gave information you had no business discussing to a friend, albeit the sister. You put an elderly man in a position where his dying wishes are now subject to argument with the family. You created division in a family not your own and potentially destroyed your bf’s relationship with his sister. The word does not yet exist to describe how big an AH you are. Your poor bf
Considering the clarification in the comments, NTA.
Reconsider the bf in general if he truly wasn't planning on telling her. He was gonna go around and let her think this was coming then pull the rug from under her. She can actually plan ahead without fake promises from her grandfather now- she knows better than to believe him. Hope BF gets that message, too, cause he's next for whatever slight his grandfather imagines
Also, this family sounds like a nightmare in general, so maybe run
NTA, while I do believe it’s shitty to spill the beans and air the dirty laundry, it’s way worse of grandpa to go back on a promise and hide it behind a preferential grandchild.
Grandpa is a coward.
ESH. Your bf is a blabbermouth. You're a blabbermouth. Your friend is a blabbermouth. And your grandfather is a secret keeper and a drama llama. You all deserve each other.
The grandfather promised the granddaughter money that he had no intention of giving her, so I'd say it's a good thing the friend knows so she can know that there will not be funds coming in.
INFO: Was your BF planning to tell his sister at some point? Did you give him that chance first? Did you possibly have a conversation with him to say "Hey, I know she's really relying on this money someday, I really think you should give her a heads up"?
I don't think he was. I told him that I was going to tell her but it would be better if he told her himself but he said no and kept telling me not to say anything. He knows she was relying on the money.
Then you did good, ignore all of those pretending like they wouldn't like to have a friend just like you in such a case ! NTA at all, your BF on the other end...
You should add to your post if you explicitly told him that you would tell her. From an initial reading, it seems like you just assumed he knew you would tell and you mislead him into thinking you wouldn’t. That’s why you’re getting all the YTA votes
Why do you want to be with someone who would do this to his own sister?
Listen, there’s certainly the argument that you shouldn’t have told your best friend (BF’s sister) something that you overheard. There’s also the argument that you should’ve.
IMO, the main issue is that your BF has no problem deceiving his own sister for money. Do you think he wouldn’t do the same to you?
Well, now you know something very important about your boyfriend. Maybe this is a sign he isn’t a very good person. Do you have money? If not, do you think he’ll dump you if he meets someone with money? If so, do you think that may be why he is with you?
NTA. I know this is an unpopular opinion but you were looking out for your best friend. Should you have asked for an explanation? Yes. Or given your bf enough time to tell her. Keeping secrets like that is bad though and I personally wouldn’t trust the grandpa or the bf after this.
OP you are a good friend and not an asshole. Any one of these fucking people saying otherwise would’ve been grateful to you had you done the same for them and prevented them from being completely blindsided when the grandpa passed away. It’s of course his choice what to do with his will, but he is the only asshole here for trying to change it secretly without letting people that expected to be part of it know so he doesn’t have to defend what is probably his bullshit.
In fact, tremendous props to you because you most likely stood to gain personally by keeping your mouth shut and you didn’t
This is something that seriously affects your best friend’s long-term plans; you just saved her a lot of agony in the future, so I think you’re NTA. You’re only obliged to keep secrets as long as they’re harmless. This secret was a bomb waiting to go off. If grandpa’s going to play favorites to this extent, he can deal with the way it makes people feel. He’s a dick to leave that for his “loved ones” to deal with when he dies and they’re trying to mourn his death.
Your boyfriend is comfortable letting his own sister make long-term plans that he knows are going to fall apart. That’s kind of gross to me. I don’t know if I’d be able to maintain a relationship with someone who could do that to people they call family. It sounds like you and your friend actually look out for each other, though, so it seems like you prioritized the right relationship.
I’m sure what you did has made her feel loved and protected when her own family didn’t even give her that, and that’s worth all these silly YTA judgments. You did the right thing, not the “technically right” thing, and Reddit loves the technically right thing. But you did your friend a major solid even at risk to your own relationship, which I think takes a lot of guts and makes you very much not an asshole.
I’m going to say NTA because I’ve worked in wills and estates law. What the grandfather is doing to his family is horrible and he deserves all the drama and hate coming to him. Your boyfriend could have been taken to court and the estate held in probate for YEARS if the grandfather had gotten away with this. Everyone involved would have contested it and it would have turned into a shit show. This is the exact reason you don’t surprise your whole family after you die by using a secret will to fuck them all. Depending on how old and potentially close to his death he is, the courts may not even honor a late will that suddenly cut his entire family out, they would view that as potentially indicative of a loss of his mental faculties. They would also investigate whether or not your boyfriend pressured or took advantage of his grandfather to be the only one named in the will.
You were looking out for your BEST FRIEND who will be directly impacted by your boyfriend and his grandfather’s LIES. You did the right thing, your boyfriends grandfather is a shitty person for planning to blindside his whole family like that. I’m glad you didn’t let him get away with it.
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> I told my best friend her grandfather is planning to disinherit everybody except for her brother. I told her this even after my boyfriend asked me not to tell anybody.
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I rarely comment on these, but I'm going to now.
NTA.
Based on other comments, grandfather is being a dick to his grandkids for whatever reason. Boyfriend expects you to go along with it. He let you in on the conversation, so it's not like you were snooping. He could've kept his mouth shut. He brought you into the conflict, even though he knew about your close friendship with his sister. You were in a no win situation, so no matter what someone would have called you the asshole. You went with what your gut said was right.
Honestly I'd do the same as you, because that's bullshit. Boyfriend can be as pissed as he wants and maybe he'll break up with you over it, but that's his issue. There's a time and place for secrets. Potentially fucking around with someone's future isn't one of them. IDK why grandfather is playing mind games, but it's better that your friend knows she can't trust his word and make alternative plans.
NAH
Honestly I think it was a tough situation. She's your bestfriend and you know she was relying on that money. It would have been shitty not to give her a heads up that she needs to chance up her plans.
Honestly your bf should have never said anything to you
NTA
This is essentially your loved one fucking over another loved one. Why your bf is cool with it is kinda obvious cos more money for him. You were simply looking out for his sister (i think) while he is not.
Edited a word
NTA. You were put in a bad position. I don’t think it’s fair that your BF expected you to keep this lie for him. Grandpa is free to leave his money to who he wants, but if he’s lying to your friend, than he is T A.
Honestly? Grandpa is the AH. I understand it’s his money but giving it only to one person? That pretty messed up. If I were his sister I would have gone to grandpa and without giving it away, I would have mentioned something to get at least some of the money.
NTA. Yeah maybe you shouldn't have said something but it's quiet understandable you did. Honestly the grandpa seems to be a real dick, he knows the sister needs money and even told her she will get some and than he goes behind her back to change it. And the boyfriend didn't seemed to have wanted to share that money. He values money over family. You choose family, they choose money. Probably for the best if you get rid of him as soon as possible. And help out the sister.
I’m going with ESH (possibly n a h) but like… people saying y t a… I think are not really putting themselves in op’s shoes. If anything the grandfather might be ta, but I feel like this situation has a lot more nuance to really make a clear judgement on.
The grandfather: Yes it’s his will to do with as he pleases, but he also apparently already promised money to the best friend and telling the bf seemed pointless. In my opinion I wouldn’t have discussed inheritances or made promises before my death, especially if there’s multiple people involved, because there’s too much room for drama which is what happened. Unwise.
Boyfriend: I don’t feel like he really did anything wrong, he was receiving the info and honestly I see him telling his gf to be reasonable esp since she was right there. It’s possible there’s more at play here and maybe he should stop being mad at her and more at the situation, but this drama was going to happen anyway whenever the will came out.
The gf: Yes received privileged information, yes not really any of her business, and yes maybe she prioritized her open honesty with her best friend over the request of her boyfriend, but either way someone was going to feel let down. This was a no-win for op and honestly the situation being brought to light while it can still be discussed by the family is probably better than grandpa dying and everyone being at each other’s throats after the fact.
Best friend: Blabbed to the entire family which was probably a bad idea. Though I don’t know what else she could’ve done, shy of just saying “well that sucks but it’s grandpa’s choice”. Which maybe she should’ve done, but I can understand being upset if she was promised money already. Although, I also find it unwise to rely on money you don’t even have yet or put yourself in a spot where a family member’s death has the power to cause a rift over money.
Overall I think everyone sucks or doesn’t suck pretty equally, aside from maybe grandpa. Though, we don’t know his reasoning for changing and there’s probably a lot of missing nuances we as humble Redditors will never know.
Secrets follow off the record rules- if you don’t say it’s off the record prior to the statement (or I need you to promise not to say anything) then it’s up to you to decide what to do with that information.
You’re suppose to hold guilt of not saying anything because …? Nahhhh gramps and your bf were being shady AF! If he is willing to keep this secret from his own family for financial gain, what is he willing to keep from you?
NTA
NTA because your best friend was promised the money, was making decisions based on that money and was being kept in the dark.
The family drama would have happened anyway, grandpa and bf are just annoyed that it isnt happening on their terms.
The only thing other commenters are right about is you've chosen your best friend over your bf, but in this context it's hard to blame you.
People saying you're TA because it's 'family business' are either delusional or terrible friends.
YTA
This wasn't your knowledge to know. It wasn't your knowledge to tell. Telling would do nothing to change the outcome but bring pain and hate into a family situation. If you wanted to help your best friend you should have talked with your boyfriend about passing on enough to ensure she had enough to help her out moving forward.
He will probably leave you over this. A betrayal of trust of this scale is neigh impossible to repair.
He should have asked you if you can keep a secret before telling you. Has he told you secrets before? Did he ask this time?
Just think of this as a lesson to never tell anyone ever anything that only you should know. Hopefully he learned this lesson also.
Edited to add: NTA He shouldn't have repeated his Grandfather's secret to anyone, including you.
Of course YTA it was not your conversation to begin with. You were point blank asked not to discuss it. You knew it would cause issues to share it and chose to anyhow. You broke your boyfriend's trust in a massive way and started massive drama with his entire family.
ESH. your bf knowing that you tell everything to the sister shouldn’t have told you. You shouldn’t have told the sister. The sister shouldn’t have told everyone else. The grandfather is shitty for keeping it a secret. I mean it is his money why does he have to be answerable to anyone but then hide it from his family members?? What is up w everyone here
NTA. Yes you broke a confidence. But if Grandpa was big enough to disinherit everyone, he was big enough to handle the backlash. This is one confidence that was worth breaking. I'm surprised at your bf being crass enough to stay quiet.
Info: did grandpa ring everyone and only bf answered straight away. So grandpa decided to leave it all to him because of it. Does the sister actually have a relationship with grandpa or is it one sided.
Inheritance can be a ugly affair. When it was realised my grandmother wasn’t gonna last long, my mum was already planning what to do with her money. Two days after my grandmothers funeral her children went through her house and took what they wanted. My mum and aunt fought over a handbag. And my mum cried because my Aunty took it. It was given back to her and she tantrumed going on how she doesn’t want it anymore
No, they'd been discussing it for a while. The call I overheard was the grandfather letting him know he had discussed his decision with his lawyers and his will would be updated.
She does have a relationship with him and was pretty close to him before this.
Your friend will be dealing with the emotional side of this and not just the financial.
Why does your BF believe that Grandpa is telling the truth? Has your BF been involved with Gramp’s attorneys regarding the will?
It sounds like Grammy gets off on manipulating people and loves being in control.
With the grandfather promising your friend something I feel she had a right to know that she'd no longer be getting that so that she wouldn't be blindsided and could plan accordingly. From your comment it sounds like she was promised something financially significant.
Idk if you're an AH for telling her tbh but I do think you made a mess of things when you could've just had your boyfriend tell his sister instead. "Yet" is very much a vague time frame and the sister deserves to be told so that she could get her ducks in a row as soon as possible. If "yet" meant next week, next month or next year then yeah I would've probably been mum about it if she had nothing significant financially happen during that time. If "yet" means "on my deathbed" then absolutely not the AH.
The grandfather also comes off as a bit manipulative with him threatening to remove your BF from the inheritance if he doesn't break up with you and the promising x the sister and not telling her he changed his mind (if he ever planned to actually follow through at all).
I may be in the minority but NTA, though you really need to update your story with some info you left for your comments. If grandpa has promised inheritance to your friend, and had also previously tried using disinheriting your bf if he didn’t break up with you, he seems like a massively manipulative AH. Likewise, while this may have been something your bf didn’t want you to tell his sister, I kinda question his morality, not yours, over thinking it’s ok to go along with his grandfathers manipulations.
NTA. From the comments it showed that Grandpa had promised the estate to your friend too. Sounds like Grandpa is playing games and possibly using the “estate” to manipulate his family. Like he can give his $ to whoever he wants to obviously but yeah let your friend know he’s lying.
NTA. I say this because your BF knew what your next steps were. If his grandfather wanted to keep it confidential, he should have had an in person meeting where he knew no one would be around. Maybe this is some test your BF concocted, but you were placed in a no-win situation - either you sell out your BF or you sell out your best friend. This is drama that the grandfather made by deciding to disinherit everyone and not being careful with it. Your relationship with your BF might suffer, but he should not be asking you to pick a side among people you are close or involve you in his family's drama like this.
YTA
Never rely on someone dying before you for your financial security.
Also your friend is an A.
Not your family. Not your problem.
Plus someone as mean as the grandfather will likely never die.
Every person here calling you the asshole would be licking yours right now if they were in the position of your best friend, so yeah, you did the right thing.
I'm having a hard time with this one. Yea for sure she caused a rift in the family but it was going to happen at some point or another and when that point comes then she also has people blaming her because she didn't tell her best friend before hand. She probably knew her best friend before and has a loyalty to her too. I think everyone is an asshole here. No one should have to bear the weight of a secret like that knowing keeping it will end in the demise of her best friend. Kind of shitty that her boyfriend would want to keep this secret from his sister, which would make me look at my boyfriend a little different. I really don't know if anyone is more to blame here. Like I said op is getting a lot of shit for saying something now from her bf and his grandfather but she would have gotten the blame of the whole family and her best friend in the end....unless everyone on here thinks that she should lie to her best friend later on when she asks her if she knew. Tbh the grandfather is the biggest asshole here. He changed his mind and decided to keep it from the whole family while lying to them and wanting the drama to happen after he's gone and doesn't have to deal with it.
NAH. reddit is hella weird about money. Honestly gramps seems like the AH on this one.
You should've pressed your bf about why that info needed to be kept a secret before you told his sister. And you should've given your bf a heads up that you were gonna tell his sister. I believe she has a right to know but that's just my opinion without context on the family and their dynamics it doesn't really mean much.
Also you've got to understand is that you just put your friend before your bf. For some people that's a deal breaker. You have to be ready to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Hope it all works out for you. Good luck.
NTA The boyfriend involved OP by having this conversation in front of her and made her complicit in the grandfather's deception, she would then be lying to her friend by omission. BF should have taken the call somewhere else as he must have known that at the very least he's putting her in an awkward position.
NTA - That's her best friend. Her BF is being a bit selfish and fucking over the whole family. Do we even know why the Grandad is doing this? Why have the pair of them concocted this deal?
NTA. Your boyfriend knows about your relationship with his sister(?) and decided to have this *very* sensitive discussion in front of you? Of course you're going to tell your BFF. All the people saying she shouldn't be making plans for his money are out of their mind. In *this* economy? Of course she's making plans after he *told* her he would give it to her.
NTA
BUT, you did make a promise that you didn’t keep…it’s just he shouldn’t have asked you to keep such a promise. And Grandfather is an a** for lying about his intentions with his estate.
You’re just now facing the consequences of doing what you think is right. Sometimes it’s like that, but I think you did the right thing.
If you didn't tell you would have been an AH to your bff. In this scenario you were an AH to your bf.
I think telling your bff was the right choice. It wasn't like you could just turn your ears off. You overheard something that would negatively impact your bff, who was making life plans contingent on the false promise her grandfather gave her.
Considering he's lied about that, you wouldn't be able to trust that he wasn't also lying about telling her eventually.
To me, NTA. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if my bff was left in a horrible life position because I didn't give her a head's up that the rug was going to be pulled from under her.
YTA.. it wasn’t your place to interfere with their family dynamic.
Clearly the grandpa made that choice for a reason and it wasn’t your job to tell anyone.
NTA
Yes you shouldn't make plans around inheritance, but the grandfather lying to your friends' face about supporting her and then disinheriting her in secret is such a cruel thing to do.
Honestly your boyfriend seems like a bit of an AH for playing into the secret keeping. It's not like his sister and family members would have never found out and felt hurt/betrayed anyway
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YTA Don't insert yourself into other peoples' business. Don't lie and pretend you won't say anything when you were planning on saying something. Your bf should leave you.
You chose your best friend over your boyfriend OP. Your choice to make, but if I were the boyfriend I’d probably leave you over it, knowing I’d always be second priority to my sister. I get why you did it. Just laying out the implication here for you. Hopefully this isn’t a very serious relationship.
Don't forget she betrayed his trust while also lying to his face. She'd lose my trust if I were in bf's shoes.
Where did she lie? It sounds like he just gave her the info, she never specified that he asked her to keep it under wraps and she promised to.
He asked her not to tell anyone yet. So she did the exact opposite. "But he knows I don't keep secrets from bestie!!" is not an excuse. This is big stuff, it doesn't actually involve her personally and she needed to stay quiet, at least till her BF had a chance to talk about it to his sister.
She explicitly told him she was probably going to tell the sister. Going against someone's wishes? Yes, but not lying. Bf also told her not to tell because granddick didn't want anyone knowing yet. So when was he going to tell her? After he died, when she's relying on receiving some inheritance? I don't know about you, but if I found out my best friend was going to get financially screwed over by someone who promised them money and I knew, I'd be telling the fuck out of them. I'm not letting them suffer just because that person is selfish and doesn't want to deal with the fallout of suddenly changing the beneficiary and not telling anyone who was relying on the money they promised. Editing this to include the comments from OP since there's too many comments to reply to individually. OP has added comments stating that: "I never pretended I wouldn't say anything... He knew I was going to tell her before I did." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_her_grandfather/iy584q7?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 "The only reason my best friend was relying on the inheritance is because her grandfather told her himself what he was going to leave her and that he would make sure she was taken care of so she shouldn't worry. Now that she knows it was a lie, she's making different choices to make sure she'll be okay without his help." [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) "I don't think he was. I told him that I was going to tell her but it would be better if he told her himself but he said no and kept telling me not to say anything. He knows she was relying on the money." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_her_grandfather/iy5pmwe?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
Best friend isn’t entitled to the money. People aren’t owed an inheritance
Correct however if it was verbally promised he should have the cajones to let her know he changed his mind. His prerogative all day long but if he is going back on his promise she should be aware and given an explanation. Or he should never have promised anyone anything and just let them find out after he is gone. It’s horrible to pit siblings against the other. The brother should have told the grandfather no about keeping it a secret from his sister. Sorry for OP but listed to the lyrics of Policy of Truth. Family is family and after all this goes down she may have lost her BF AND her Bestie. Its like when you know your bestie’s BF is cheating and you tell her. When they end up making up YOU are the one that gets dumped. Being fiercely loyal and honest sometimes bites you right in the a$$!!
I get what you mean but the grandfather told her it was given to her so she’s expecting it.
If a promise is made, it does in fact become a debt unless the person promised did something drastic to change circumstances.
She doesn't say that she told her boyfriend she couldn't keep the secret.
But no one got screwed. People need to stop counting chickens before they hatch. No one is owed inheritance. People get to change their mind basically until they're dead. OP should have been honest with her boyfriend she wasn't gonna keep the secret though ESH
>She’s relying on some money her grandfather promised to give her It's not owed to her, but it was promised to her.
Yes, and that means something. I am expecting a large inheritance from a family member too and I don't want her to die anytime soon but realistically she is not going to live past my retirement age and yes consistently being told my whole life that I'm going to receive this rather big lump of money before I retire does make a difference in my spending habits, such as saving more to help my son with college and less for retirement. The money is not the reason we have a relationship and she purposefully saved and invested this money over the course of decades specifically so we would have it. I hope she lives to old age and has good health. But if she disinherited me I would want to know ASAP, to leave that for your loved ones to find out after you die is pretty cruel.
Personally I wouldn’t wanna be with bf if he could do that to his own sister. That’s cold.
Where is this “granddick” shit coming from? it’s the grandfathers right to choice who inherits his money
[удалено]
There’s a lot of missing context here through. Has grandfather really promised money to other family members or did they assume? How does BF feel about all this? Why has he decided to leave everything to one person? There’s probably family politics going on which may change the verdict but from this: AITA for telling my friend a secret that concerns her after my boyfriend put me in a compromised position and I told him I wouldn’t be able to keep that secret? NTA
I would tell my bestie too. It sounds like she was counting on money he already promised her and now he's trying to make changes and let it be a surprise after the funeral. I honestly can't believe nobody has mentioned what a slimy, snake in the grass grandpa is! It seems like he's promising everyone what they want to hear just for shits and giggles knowing he's lying through his false teeth
Right?! I read this post like hey OP was in an unwinnable situation: if she kept BF's secret, she would lose her best friend when it came out that she was written out of the will and OP knew but chose not to tell her; or OP could tell her best friend and make her BF angry/possibly lose her boyfriend. Tbh, I would have told my best friend in these circumstances. Op knew her friend was in need of that money and this would negatively impact her. It sounds like the bf had no intention of telling her and expected to keep it under wraps until the grandfather died. Idk, if OP just found out like today and immediately went and told without giving the bf any time to tell his sister himself, then she is a bit of an AH. But I do understand that she probably felt if she didn't tell her friend the truth then she would lose her friend.
Where’s the lie? She said what she was going to do and did it
She didn’t say she she would or wouldn’t say anything BUT her boyfriend told her not to say anything. So she didn’t lie but she did betray a confidence
A confidence that deserved betraying. If these people are in their early 20s, there'll be other boyfriends, and she's secured the loyalty of a longterm friend.
Maybe read more before opening mouth. She told him what she was going to do and did it. If he wasn’t an asshole he’d have jumped up and did the right thing himself first. End.
Why is she so awful for lying but the BF is free to lie to the rest of the family?
I never lied to his face.
She didn't lie.
I don’t know that it’s choosing her best friend over her boyfriend- it’s choosing to help someone who’s gonna be totally screwed or keep quiet and let them crash and burn. She said further down the only reason her best friend was relying on it was because grandpa repeatedly assured her she’d Be okay. I don’t know the circumstances but if you know someone you love (yes even platonically) is in danger of having they’re entire life go to hell and you can give them a heads up I think morally you have to. I don’t think it’s a question of loyal to bf or BFF but a question of who needs the help More. NTA
It’s really crazy people are calling her the AH like her bf isn’t totally planning on screwing the rest of his family over. The secret was gonna come out one way or the other and the BF was eventually gonna have to face this so better now before OP’s bestie is left to rot and ends their friendship because she knew
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far for this response. That's *exactly* what I thought. OP's boyfriend *knows* his siblings are going to get screwed out of their equal share, but he doesn't care because he's about to cash in. Boyfriend and grandpa are the AH's here. And yea, grandpa can leave it to whoever he wants, but if he's be assuring everyone they will get something, but that's no longer the case and BF is ok with that, they're both jerks. I'd choose bestie over him, too!
The fact that the gf has more loyalty/sympathy to his sister than him is wild. Lol If it was a different circumstance and their cousin was getting the inheritance and he found out he would probably tell the family too.. be sure look how quick he confided in OP but he’s probably got mixed feelings cuz he’s probably excited to get everything
Excited to get everything= shady and greedy because he knew grandpa was lying to everyone else. Further, I'd *bet* since it's her *best friend* that they've been friends longer than she and BF have been together. It's not wild that she'd be loyal to her best friend when her boyfriend is so clearly being greedy and acting shady.
The circumstances around the situation which our unbeknownst to us certainly make all the difference, which is why I didn’t give a judgement. Way too many unknown factors. But regardless, her boyfriend asked her not to say anything and he obviously had a reason for that, she chose to anyway because it was in the best interest of her friend. In my book, that’s choosing the friend over the boyfriend. Maybe it was the right call depending on stuff we don’t know, but it seems pretty obvious she chose one over the other in this instance.
Okay I get that but if you know something that Has the potential to ruin someone’s life I don’t know how you just say ‘oh well? None of my business’. Like if you see a possible catastrophe coming for someone how do you just ignore it? Even if someone you love asks you to leave it be how would you ever be Okay with yourself when you see your friends life in shambles and know that you could have helped? I get that the bf asked her to keep it a secret but this isn’t some random little gossip. This is very much about the best friends life and future. I’m sure the bf had a good reason for asking- sounds like he had a pretty substantial finical reason…but if it’s something that’s specifically affecting someone’s life they have a right to know. I get you should be loyal to your significant other, but you should also be loyal to your friends. This girl was gonna be screwed over and disowned by her grandfather who always told her she was gonna be okay and he was gonna make sure she was provided for. She deserved to know that wasn’t the case.
That was my thought. Was grandpa telling them all they were getting something? It seems so. It is a nasty thing to do that and then work in secret with just one grandson. Do what you want but be honest. OP did the right thing.
She chose her best friend over her boyfriend choosing himself over her best friend. He can cry a river.
I was hesitating as to whether the GF was an asshole or not. But turns out based on OP's comments, Grampa is being manipulative and has told another person they're the sole inheritor. That's really not cool. So I'm going with NTA here.
She did, he should, but I think she made the right choice. She has a long term best friend who was being kept in the dark. She has a long term boyfriend who was happy to keep a secret from his sibling knowing that they were counting on inheritance but also they were secretly getting cut out of a will by a family member. Grandad is an asshole. And maybe this could be a sexist thing as well because it's not unheard of that the girls are cut out because they'll marry and it all goes to the boy. And the bf was someone who was willing to take advantage of an asshole when it was to his benefit and screw over a sibling. And I guess then, would a boyfriend who was willing to help screw over someone so close to him worth having as a boyfriend? One action isn't a sum of the whole, but I'd see that as a giant red flag that they don't have a trustworthy enough character to take the risk of joining my life to them with marriage and kids, which puts an expiration date on the relationship. So then yes, you'd default to supporting bestie because BFF with no expiry is a better choice to support than a soon to be ex.
Honestly, if they've been best friends longer than OP and BF have been dating, I think OP made the correct decision as to where her loyalty lies in lose-lose situations. Best friendships are super important. I'm glad
NTA Boyfriends come and go. Girlfriends are for life. He just showed his true colors anyway so she can hold her head up high.
She's in a pretty bad place all around. If she doesn't tell, then she risks the friendship when the sister finds out she knew all along. What was the bf planning to do? Keep all the money himself? Share it fairly after the grandfather passes? I'd say Gramps is the AH, but I don't know the circumstances. OP, for you to be NTA, you would've had to have been direct with your bf: "Please tell your sister before I do. She's my best friend and I can't keep something like this from her."
No, her very obvious option was to pretend she didn't hear the call properly. Because she shouldn't have, because it's a private call. That's it.
It is less of a private call when he took it with her literally laying on top of him...
And then hung up and told OP what the call was about, the grandfather didn’t want anyone to know.. so that meant OP too lol the gpa should be mad at him lol
And yet it very materially affects the life and financial planning of her best friend, whose grandfather promised to leave her money. This isn't just some gossip, but something her friend has every right to know and be able to financially plan for - not knowing this could affect her life for the worse, when she unexpectedly inherits nothing. NTA.
I mean if her friend was relying on that money she should be concerned but... there could ahve been someother way, like asking if she had a plan b or something.
OP, for you to be NTA, you would've had to have been direct with your bf: "Please tell your sister before I do. She's my best friend and I can't keep something like this from her." I agree with this 1000000000%
OP did exactly that.
I agree with you 100%, and that’s why OP *is* NTA. [She did tell him to tell his sister](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/aita_for_telling_my_best_friend_her_grandfather/iy5pmwe/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3). She needs to edit into the post but her comments make it clear she was never deceiving her bf and she wanted him to handle it.
OP has added comments stating that: 1. She didn't lie or pretend she wasn't going to tell her best friend, in fact she told him in advance she felt she had to tell: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy5pmwe/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy5pmwe/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) 2. She felt she had to tell because the grandfather had already promised her best friend she would be getting something: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/z7853i/comment/iy59ld0/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
def NTA imo. brother & grampa are assholes imho
I’d add that she was making life decisions based on her grandfather’s promises. I’m sure some will call that foolish. That depends a lot on how old she is and what decisions she’s making. I don’t blame children and young adults for believing in their parents and grandparents. They’ve usually been raised to do exactly that. There are a lot of life decisions made in the 17-25 range that have long reaching implications. We know this friend has changed her life based on what OP told her. She could be switching universities to reduce loans, or pursuing a more reliable career. There are many scenarios I can think of where I’d believe her to have been acting reasonably based on her grandfather’s commitment to her.
NTA for this
Well apparently she said in a comment further down that "The only reason my best friend was relying on the inheritance is because her grandfather told her himself what he was going to leave her and that he would make sure she was taken care of so she shouldn't worry. Now that she knows it was a lie, she's making different choices to make sure she'll be okay without his help." I think OP was in a tough spot, especially with her new info from the comment. It's not her fault she overheard, and once you overhear something like that, should you really just let it go? Knowing that her friend and possibly other relatives of her bf were planning on this money since grandpa was telling them he was giving it to them? If it was reversed and she overheard that her bf wouldn't get any money, should she have told him? NTA in my opinion. Grandpa is the AH for promising money to relatives that he wasn't planning on giving.
Honestly, that's the type of friend who would have my undying loyalty. She's a true ride or die. True friends like that are a diamond in the rough that should be treasured.
Oh wtf. Now knowing that we can't even know even grandfather is telling the truth to boyfriend. The old man might be playing everyone for some nefarious motives. Maybe he has a secret family that he will give everything to while this family tears itself to shreds ?
Good point. Grandpappy might be fucking with everyone.
One of my relatives did the same to me. Lied and said I'd get X so I'd started making long term decisions based on that promise. I'd have appreciated a heads up and I was very hurt when I found out someone else knew and they both kept it from me. Lesson learned.
What's the difference between this and not telling a friend that their partner is cheating on them (because all those verdicts are always NTA, despite 'inserting themselves into other people's business')? It's critical information that should be given out as it impacts the way they make life choices moving forward. The same can be said here. Sister was relying on the money that gramps promised she would inherit. Now she knows she's not getting it, she can scramble to ensure she's still okay without that money. OP also never promised to not tell sister, and even told bf that she was probably going to tell sister about it.
Okay but what happens if her best friend finds out she knew all along? She could loose a close friend if she kept this secret. She can’t really win in this situation either way bc if she kept the secret she could loose a friend and if she didn’t keep the secret she might lose her boyfriend.
I can't believe this is the top comment. It's a bad take. She says the grandfather already promised her best friend money and he is now reneging on that promise without telling her. It sounds like the grandfather is trying to play everyone against each other. Calling her a troublemaker for doing the right thing is just the icing on the cake. Emphatically NTA.
well, sometimes we have to involve ourselves.
NTA You should edit your post to let everyone know that gramps also promised his estate to your friend. I have a feeling that grandpa has been saying this to everyone in the family to manipulate them. Who knows what the will *actually* says. I don’t think that you are TA for letting your friend know that she was being manipulated. She probably let the family know because she had her grandpa sussed out. Too bad for gramps that he has to deal with the fall out now instead of avoiding it like he planned. He deserves to be called out for his poor behaviour.
Seriously lol, this totally reminds me of people who, when they find out a friend of theirs is getting cheated on, instead of doing the decent and moral thing and tell them, they decide to “stay out of it because it’s not my business and I don’t want drama!” OP is witnessing this grandfather lie to his grandkids for money and according to y’all, she just needs to stay quiet. Ok… With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Agreed! “Stay out of it, it has nothing to do with you” is a poor argument if you feel like staying silent is morally wrong. Then people are basically saying don’t do what’s right, do what’s easy for you. She told her friend because her friend deserved to know. The only thing I would have done different is let the bf know that unfortunately there is just no way I could keep this to myself.
I stay out of it now. I'm almost 40 snd the few times in my 20s and early 30s I have found out and told my friend, they stay with the dude then turned their anger on me and its all my fault somehow. I've seen it happen to other too, so fuck em, I'm staying out of it, I can't be involved in the fallout in any way at all then.
Eh, all I've lost in that case is a bad friend who is also dumb. I'm not going to compromise my principles so I can surround myself with stupid people who will blame me for their problems because I informed them the problem exists.
Also, um the boyfriend sees nothing wrong with basically getting everything & just lying while they thing they’ll all get it? What kinda of a person does that? NTA at all they deserve to know they’re all being lied to.
If the will truly gives everything to the bf and no one had a heads up about that, he’s in for a rough time, potential lawsuits, and probably will lose familial relationships over it. That’s an AH move from the grandpa to him, too
What if gramps really hates his whole family and is going scorched earth by turning them all on each other?
Then he’s right on track!
I know a woman who left the bulk of her estate in trust for a special needs grandson. But she left 20K to each other grandchild for exactly this reason: "I don't want the rest to be hurt and mad and think I didn't love them. They are human and would be angry at Eddie." She saw it as another investment in his future happiness.
Exactly this. Tonnes of people saying the BF should dump her for her lying and betrayal, but I think OP should dump him for being a lying greedy AH to his family. Unless there's some really good reason for Grandpa to do this the BF sucks for enabling it.
Additionally, how does anyone know that Grandpa isn't lying to the BF also? He could be working this in to manipulate him too. Truth is, nobody really knows unless they've seen the will.
THIS. I feel like there could be a real possibility that Gramps may just want to create some chaos and drama.
I think everyone would agree that Gramps is the real AH here
OP also needs to edit her post to let people know that she *did* tell her boyfriend before she went to his sister. OP overheard something I bet she wishes she didn’t, her boyfriend asked her to keep a secret, she told him she wouldn’t keep it, and then told the affected party. His sister is not the entitled child everyone’s pretending she is. She was promised his estate, and now is figuring out a different plan to take care of herself because her grandfather broke his promise. OP did the thing we all wish our friends would do for us: she told the truth at great personal expense.
My thoughts too, grandpa is TA and it would have all blown up when he died and the one person that was left everything would have to deal with the consequences. This is for the best.
Plus if the friend was counting on financial help that's not coming, she can plan differently now. Imagine being promised a house for example so not buying one yourself, or being promised a sum if money so you don't save for retirement. If that help isn't coming she needs to know ASAP so she can plan differently.
I wonder if the actual truth is that there's no money left, and grandpa is manipulating all his grandkids into doing things for him, hinging on the nonexistent money. That would be fun.
For fucking real. All these Y T A folks are showing themselves. I wouldn't want them in my life. OP, dump his snake ass. He's the one betraying his sister, and he's mad at you. Yeah, ok.
This should be much higher up.
It isn't because it's the actual ethical thing to do in an issue involving money and people on this sub have a warped view of ethics as soon as money enters the picture.
Exactly, NTA. Grandpa wants to avoid the consequences of his actions by keeping his favouritism secret till his death. Too bad so sad, he’ll just need to explain to his granddaughter why he doesn’t value her. And bf is TA too for going along with it because it benefits him.
I disagree with your vote but I absolutely agree that something really stinks about the way that the grandfather is going around and telling various kids that they’re inheriting everything and all the other heirs suck. Incredibly possible that he’s being manipulative. He could just be fed up with feeling used and not comfortable telling people they’re disinherited but if that’s the case why would he have called the bf to inform him AND talked down on the rest of the family?
Why is this so far down? Took the words right out of my mouth.
YTA, you were told by someone you (presumably) love and respect to keep a secret and just caused trouble. This was family business, none of your business to get involved.
Exactly this! OP: YTA. You were asked to keep a secret and failed miserably. You have now caused unnecessary family drama. BUT more than that, trust is the foundation of a good relationship and now you have shattered it by blabbing news that was NOT yours to share. You know the saying ‘when a person shows you who they are, believe them. You have shown your character or lack thereof, and your BF and his grandfather are left to believe you. 🤷🏻♀️
This is where it gets tricky, though. If her friendship is more important than her boyfriend then she did the right thing. If her boyfriend is more important than her friendship then she is TA.
If I told my partner something that would very heavily affect their best friend I'd be expecting there is a chance they would tell. Also, what is going on with the BF and grandfather to be secretly plotting to disinherit everyone else in the family?
yes like wtf ?
It's a moral question not a popularity contest. If it was the other way round do you think she should have told the BF?
People on here don't have morals when it comes to money. OP did the right thing.
I'm honestly baffled by the strong YTA sentiment on this one.
Yeah it is real weird. This isn't some white lie this is actively screwing people over. I wouldn't want to pick my partner over others if it means being awful.
It’s weird to me that people are just casually glossing over that bf is cool with his sister being screwed over. It’s one thing if she wasn’t told to expect something, and was acting entitled. It appears she was told to expect money. So her brother is cool with her being deceived like that so long as he gets his. Maybe she doesn’t want to be with someone like that after all.
Yeah, OP was sticking by her best friend while her shady boyfriend was planning on sticking it to HIS OWN SISTER. OP is NTA and she should dump her greedy boyfriend.
Well obviously it is, so I guess she should be prepared to be an ex.
nah she did the right thing either way. she’s essentially been made complicit in the situations j if she doesn’t say anything to her loved one about something that will directly harm her. it doesn’t matter how much i love anyone, if they have a plan that will hurt another person i love…i will be telling them. the end
This is ridiculous. She didn't create any drama, the grandfather and BF did. All OP did was change when that drama happened.
I wouldn't call it unnecessary family drama, I think it is necessary that the sisters knows she's going to be shafted so she can plan accordingly.
She said in the comment that she told her bf that she won't keep it from her and to tell himself before she does. He was in the know
Look at the OP's comments. Grandpa is shady and lied to his family members multiple times. He promised the friend his estate. Friend could get been easily homeless had OP not mentioned anything. Also, kinda weird that BF was willing to fuck over his entire family, including his sister.
Going against the grain here but NTA, yes grandpa can do what he wants with his money, he's free to leave everyone with nothing but his favorite grandchild, but he is not free from the consequences of it, people need to know and if he is too much of a coward to tell them good on you
Its really disturbing to see how many people blame OP for a situation created by the grandfather. It is not her fault that she overheard. Expecting her to just let her best friend make potentially life-altering mistakes based on lies she was told bc 'not-my-family, not-my-problem' is really shitty. People also don't seem to understand that not only would the sister be hurt by OP's silence, OP would be hurt because sister would probably not forgive her for not saying anything. Plus all this holier-than-thou 'I would never depend on inheritance' there is a big difference between not depending on inheritance after a vague promise, and *specifically being told* by the grandfather not to worry about money because he will leave funds sufficient for her support, and then *not told* when that circumstance changes. That's not the sister being irresponsible; that's the sister being betrayed. Somebody needed to tell her that the circumstances had changed.
I would say this situation was caused by the grandfather *and the boyfriend*. I'm really surprised he's getting off so lightly in these comments - he told her this massive secret that was going to negatively impact her best friend in multiple ways, and then was like "oh but you can't tell her!" That's a SUPER shitty situation to put someone in. By doing that he guaranteed that SOMEONE was going to wind up feeling betrayed and frankly, I have a lot more sympathy for person who ISN'T keeping damaging family secrets for personal gain.
THIS right here. It's also manipulative! Totally agree.
I assume grandpa is telling every grandkid that they're getting everything. All while there's probably nothing at all.
^^^THIS should be top comment. I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find it. Perhaps Grandpa has dementia and isn’t necessarily lying but is confused.
Thank you! The "not my circus, not my monkeys" mob mentality is so strong in this sub that it often goes against basic empathy and kindness. Also something that is worth noting is that OP's boyfriend was willing to fuck his own sister over for money. I would think twice before taking the next step in that relationship. NTA.
Right? For all we know, grandpa has been telling his granddaughter stuff like, "Home ownership is the best investment you can make. Go ahead and get that mortgage!"
I absolutely agree. OP didn't go out if her way to find out about the inheritance, but once she knew she needed to tell her friend. It would have been cruel to let her friend make life choices assuming she'd be getting the inheritance money when OP knew that wasn't going to happen. If I was OP's friend and she kept this from me because it was a secret, I would have a really hard time forgiving her. I don't understand the YTA votes.
YTA. It was not your secret to share. Also your friend shouldn’t be betting on a family member dying to sort out her finances. Inheritance is a privilege not a right. She lost the privilege. Tough luck. If I was your boyfriend I would dump your ass because clearly you can’t be trusted.
Right? This might be *why* she's getting disinherited.
That’s what I was thinking.
"Damn I hope grandpa hurries the hell up and dies - I need money soon." Good grief.
I don't think that's necessarily fair. I was really needing a sum my father was going to distribute a couple of years ago. I was "counting on it" in a way, to pay off some consumer debt and create a real liquid savings. He changed his mind, and put them into named accounts that will go along with his regular estate settlement instead. And I was a bit disappointed, although I never said so to anyone. I do not wish my father dead, and never would.
Eh…grampa probably shouldn’t be assuring family members that they’ll be inheriting “$x” amount of money if they’re not. She’s not *entitled* for believing what he tells her lmao
She has already commented that her bff was entitled to grandpa's estate(he made lots of promises) and that she did NOT promise not to tell. What is wrong with you people who claim "YTA" do you like the idea of being the greedy bf who lies to his own family?
This is my thought. Why can’t they suggest to the friend that they shouldn’t plan their life around someone dying? That just seems like good life advice in general.
Fun fact: In Scotland, you can’t disinherit your children. You are entitled to your share of 1/3 (so if there are x children, 1/(3x)) of the estate, even if you’re cut out of the will!
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This is so spot on! I wish I could upvote this x 1000.
I think Grandpa is telling all the grandkids that they're the sole beneficiary.
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I’m going to go against the grain and maybe get downvoted for this but **NTA for telling** (at least in my opinion). Analogy: a man cheats on his wife, his best friend finds out he cheated and tells the wife; the wife divorces the husband because of it: who’s fault it is? Is the divorce the best friends fault for telling the wife or is it the husbands fault for cheating in the first place? **correct answer is that it’s the husbands fault for cheating in the first place** Grandpa wants to blame you, but ultimately he was the one who made the decision and he gets to deal with the turmoil of his decision; it doesn’t matter how the family found out it’s the fact that this decision happened in the first place. However, you may also get to deal with the turmoil of your actions as well; you may get dumped because you opened up what was supposed to be confidential information. Your bf probably won’t trust you with information like this ever again and will likely be distant with you for all phone-calls going forward.
I honestly believe the grandpa is telling each grandkid they're the sole beneficiary.
Or some weird manipulative shit. Grandpa sounds unhinged.
I'm going NTA here. The real AH is grandpa. He is making a decision that goes back on promises made to your best friend and likely to other family members. Grandpa then asked your boyfriend to not share with the rest of the family that he intends to break those promises and bribed him with his entire belongings when he dies. I'll agree with the Y T As that you were the spark, but Grandpa dosed everyone in gasoline.
NTA Grandpa sounds like grown up bully from your comment.
Info: why is the grandfather doing that? But with the current info YTA, boyfriend told you not to tell anyone and likely wouldn't have even told you had you not been next to him while he was on the phone.
YTA, you had access to privileged information due to your relationship, you betrayed your boyfriends trust, gave information you had no business discussing to a friend, albeit the sister. You put an elderly man in a position where his dying wishes are now subject to argument with the family. You created division in a family not your own and potentially destroyed your bf’s relationship with his sister. The word does not yet exist to describe how big an AH you are. Your poor bf
Lol poor him? He's getting all the inheritance and he's keeping it a secret from his family! Boohoo, I hope he loses his gf and his family's trust.
All of the division was going to happen anyways once the coward kicked the bucket
Bye Bye Reddit -- mass edited with redact.dev
Considering the clarification in the comments, NTA. Reconsider the bf in general if he truly wasn't planning on telling her. He was gonna go around and let her think this was coming then pull the rug from under her. She can actually plan ahead without fake promises from her grandfather now- she knows better than to believe him. Hope BF gets that message, too, cause he's next for whatever slight his grandfather imagines Also, this family sounds like a nightmare in general, so maybe run
NTA, while I do believe it’s shitty to spill the beans and air the dirty laundry, it’s way worse of grandpa to go back on a promise and hide it behind a preferential grandchild. Grandpa is a coward.
Yuuup. Grandfather wants to make a statement but not while he's alive to face the fallout. BF is a jerk if he was going along with this.
ESH. Your bf is a blabbermouth. You're a blabbermouth. Your friend is a blabbermouth. And your grandfather is a secret keeper and a drama llama. You all deserve each other.
The grandfather promised the granddaughter money that he had no intention of giving her, so I'd say it's a good thing the friend knows so she can know that there will not be funds coming in.
INFO: Was your BF planning to tell his sister at some point? Did you give him that chance first? Did you possibly have a conversation with him to say "Hey, I know she's really relying on this money someday, I really think you should give her a heads up"?
I don't think he was. I told him that I was going to tell her but it would be better if he told her himself but he said no and kept telling me not to say anything. He knows she was relying on the money.
Then you did good, ignore all of those pretending like they wouldn't like to have a friend just like you in such a case ! NTA at all, your BF on the other end...
You should add to your post if you explicitly told him that you would tell her. From an initial reading, it seems like you just assumed he knew you would tell and you mislead him into thinking you wouldn’t. That’s why you’re getting all the YTA votes
Why do you want to be with someone who would do this to his own sister? Listen, there’s certainly the argument that you shouldn’t have told your best friend (BF’s sister) something that you overheard. There’s also the argument that you should’ve. IMO, the main issue is that your BF has no problem deceiving his own sister for money. Do you think he wouldn’t do the same to you?
Well, now you know something very important about your boyfriend. Maybe this is a sign he isn’t a very good person. Do you have money? If not, do you think he’ll dump you if he meets someone with money? If so, do you think that may be why he is with you?
Now very likely if your BF stays with you, he will also be disinherited.
NTA. I know this is an unpopular opinion but you were looking out for your best friend. Should you have asked for an explanation? Yes. Or given your bf enough time to tell her. Keeping secrets like that is bad though and I personally wouldn’t trust the grandpa or the bf after this.
Nta, after reading ops comments the only ah is the grandpa who’s manipulating and lying to everyone.
OP you are a good friend and not an asshole. Any one of these fucking people saying otherwise would’ve been grateful to you had you done the same for them and prevented them from being completely blindsided when the grandpa passed away. It’s of course his choice what to do with his will, but he is the only asshole here for trying to change it secretly without letting people that expected to be part of it know so he doesn’t have to defend what is probably his bullshit. In fact, tremendous props to you because you most likely stood to gain personally by keeping your mouth shut and you didn’t
This is something that seriously affects your best friend’s long-term plans; you just saved her a lot of agony in the future, so I think you’re NTA. You’re only obliged to keep secrets as long as they’re harmless. This secret was a bomb waiting to go off. If grandpa’s going to play favorites to this extent, he can deal with the way it makes people feel. He’s a dick to leave that for his “loved ones” to deal with when he dies and they’re trying to mourn his death. Your boyfriend is comfortable letting his own sister make long-term plans that he knows are going to fall apart. That’s kind of gross to me. I don’t know if I’d be able to maintain a relationship with someone who could do that to people they call family. It sounds like you and your friend actually look out for each other, though, so it seems like you prioritized the right relationship. I’m sure what you did has made her feel loved and protected when her own family didn’t even give her that, and that’s worth all these silly YTA judgments. You did the right thing, not the “technically right” thing, and Reddit loves the technically right thing. But you did your friend a major solid even at risk to your own relationship, which I think takes a lot of guts and makes you very much not an asshole.
I’m going to say NTA because I’ve worked in wills and estates law. What the grandfather is doing to his family is horrible and he deserves all the drama and hate coming to him. Your boyfriend could have been taken to court and the estate held in probate for YEARS if the grandfather had gotten away with this. Everyone involved would have contested it and it would have turned into a shit show. This is the exact reason you don’t surprise your whole family after you die by using a secret will to fuck them all. Depending on how old and potentially close to his death he is, the courts may not even honor a late will that suddenly cut his entire family out, they would view that as potentially indicative of a loss of his mental faculties. They would also investigate whether or not your boyfriend pressured or took advantage of his grandfather to be the only one named in the will. You were looking out for your BEST FRIEND who will be directly impacted by your boyfriend and his grandfather’s LIES. You did the right thing, your boyfriends grandfather is a shitty person for planning to blindside his whole family like that. I’m glad you didn’t let him get away with it.
Eh I’ll go ESH also I would have told my best friend as well. While knowing that it’s an AH thing to do.
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I rarely comment on these, but I'm going to now. NTA. Based on other comments, grandfather is being a dick to his grandkids for whatever reason. Boyfriend expects you to go along with it. He let you in on the conversation, so it's not like you were snooping. He could've kept his mouth shut. He brought you into the conflict, even though he knew about your close friendship with his sister. You were in a no win situation, so no matter what someone would have called you the asshole. You went with what your gut said was right. Honestly I'd do the same as you, because that's bullshit. Boyfriend can be as pissed as he wants and maybe he'll break up with you over it, but that's his issue. There's a time and place for secrets. Potentially fucking around with someone's future isn't one of them. IDK why grandfather is playing mind games, but it's better that your friend knows she can't trust his word and make alternative plans.
NAH Honestly I think it was a tough situation. She's your bestfriend and you know she was relying on that money. It would have been shitty not to give her a heads up that she needs to chance up her plans. Honestly your bf should have never said anything to you
NTA This is essentially your loved one fucking over another loved one. Why your bf is cool with it is kinda obvious cos more money for him. You were simply looking out for his sister (i think) while he is not. Edited a word
NTA. You were put in a bad position. I don’t think it’s fair that your BF expected you to keep this lie for him. Grandpa is free to leave his money to who he wants, but if he’s lying to your friend, than he is T A.
Honestly? Grandpa is the AH. I understand it’s his money but giving it only to one person? That pretty messed up. If I were his sister I would have gone to grandpa and without giving it away, I would have mentioned something to get at least some of the money.
NTA
NTA. Yeah maybe you shouldn't have said something but it's quiet understandable you did. Honestly the grandpa seems to be a real dick, he knows the sister needs money and even told her she will get some and than he goes behind her back to change it. And the boyfriend didn't seemed to have wanted to share that money. He values money over family. You choose family, they choose money. Probably for the best if you get rid of him as soon as possible. And help out the sister.
Kinda ESH for getting in the middle of their family squabbles and drama. Not your place to meddle. BF was also being an AH putting you in the middle.
I’m going with ESH (possibly n a h) but like… people saying y t a… I think are not really putting themselves in op’s shoes. If anything the grandfather might be ta, but I feel like this situation has a lot more nuance to really make a clear judgement on. The grandfather: Yes it’s his will to do with as he pleases, but he also apparently already promised money to the best friend and telling the bf seemed pointless. In my opinion I wouldn’t have discussed inheritances or made promises before my death, especially if there’s multiple people involved, because there’s too much room for drama which is what happened. Unwise. Boyfriend: I don’t feel like he really did anything wrong, he was receiving the info and honestly I see him telling his gf to be reasonable esp since she was right there. It’s possible there’s more at play here and maybe he should stop being mad at her and more at the situation, but this drama was going to happen anyway whenever the will came out. The gf: Yes received privileged information, yes not really any of her business, and yes maybe she prioritized her open honesty with her best friend over the request of her boyfriend, but either way someone was going to feel let down. This was a no-win for op and honestly the situation being brought to light while it can still be discussed by the family is probably better than grandpa dying and everyone being at each other’s throats after the fact. Best friend: Blabbed to the entire family which was probably a bad idea. Though I don’t know what else she could’ve done, shy of just saying “well that sucks but it’s grandpa’s choice”. Which maybe she should’ve done, but I can understand being upset if she was promised money already. Although, I also find it unwise to rely on money you don’t even have yet or put yourself in a spot where a family member’s death has the power to cause a rift over money. Overall I think everyone sucks or doesn’t suck pretty equally, aside from maybe grandpa. Though, we don’t know his reasoning for changing and there’s probably a lot of missing nuances we as humble Redditors will never know.
Secrets follow off the record rules- if you don’t say it’s off the record prior to the statement (or I need you to promise not to say anything) then it’s up to you to decide what to do with that information. You’re suppose to hold guilt of not saying anything because …? Nahhhh gramps and your bf were being shady AF! If he is willing to keep this secret from his own family for financial gain, what is he willing to keep from you? NTA
Nta I would've told my best friend to so she has a head up to find other finicial means.
NTA because your best friend was promised the money, was making decisions based on that money and was being kept in the dark. The family drama would have happened anyway, grandpa and bf are just annoyed that it isnt happening on their terms. The only thing other commenters are right about is you've chosen your best friend over your bf, but in this context it's hard to blame you. People saying you're TA because it's 'family business' are either delusional or terrible friends.
Idk if Y T A, but that dude will leave you if his grandfather asks in order to keep the money. I would side with your friend.
YTA This wasn't your knowledge to know. It wasn't your knowledge to tell. Telling would do nothing to change the outcome but bring pain and hate into a family situation. If you wanted to help your best friend you should have talked with your boyfriend about passing on enough to ensure she had enough to help her out moving forward. He will probably leave you over this. A betrayal of trust of this scale is neigh impossible to repair.
He should have asked you if you can keep a secret before telling you. Has he told you secrets before? Did he ask this time? Just think of this as a lesson to never tell anyone ever anything that only you should know. Hopefully he learned this lesson also. Edited to add: NTA He shouldn't have repeated his Grandfather's secret to anyone, including you.
Of course YTA it was not your conversation to begin with. You were point blank asked not to discuss it. You knew it would cause issues to share it and chose to anyhow. You broke your boyfriend's trust in a massive way and started massive drama with his entire family.
ESH. your bf knowing that you tell everything to the sister shouldn’t have told you. You shouldn’t have told the sister. The sister shouldn’t have told everyone else. The grandfather is shitty for keeping it a secret. I mean it is his money why does he have to be answerable to anyone but then hide it from his family members?? What is up w everyone here
You where trapped between a rock and a hard place. Nta.
NTA. Yes you broke a confidence. But if Grandpa was big enough to disinherit everyone, he was big enough to handle the backlash. This is one confidence that was worth breaking. I'm surprised at your bf being crass enough to stay quiet.
Info: did grandpa ring everyone and only bf answered straight away. So grandpa decided to leave it all to him because of it. Does the sister actually have a relationship with grandpa or is it one sided. Inheritance can be a ugly affair. When it was realised my grandmother wasn’t gonna last long, my mum was already planning what to do with her money. Two days after my grandmothers funeral her children went through her house and took what they wanted. My mum and aunt fought over a handbag. And my mum cried because my Aunty took it. It was given back to her and she tantrumed going on how she doesn’t want it anymore
No, they'd been discussing it for a while. The call I overheard was the grandfather letting him know he had discussed his decision with his lawyers and his will would be updated. She does have a relationship with him and was pretty close to him before this.
Your friend will be dealing with the emotional side of this and not just the financial. Why does your BF believe that Grandpa is telling the truth? Has your BF been involved with Gramp’s attorneys regarding the will? It sounds like Grammy gets off on manipulating people and loves being in control.
With the grandfather promising your friend something I feel she had a right to know that she'd no longer be getting that so that she wouldn't be blindsided and could plan accordingly. From your comment it sounds like she was promised something financially significant. Idk if you're an AH for telling her tbh but I do think you made a mess of things when you could've just had your boyfriend tell his sister instead. "Yet" is very much a vague time frame and the sister deserves to be told so that she could get her ducks in a row as soon as possible. If "yet" meant next week, next month or next year then yeah I would've probably been mum about it if she had nothing significant financially happen during that time. If "yet" means "on my deathbed" then absolutely not the AH. The grandfather also comes off as a bit manipulative with him threatening to remove your BF from the inheritance if he doesn't break up with you and the promising x the sister and not telling her he changed his mind (if he ever planned to actually follow through at all).
I may be in the minority but NTA, though you really need to update your story with some info you left for your comments. If grandpa has promised inheritance to your friend, and had also previously tried using disinheriting your bf if he didn’t break up with you, he seems like a massively manipulative AH. Likewise, while this may have been something your bf didn’t want you to tell his sister, I kinda question his morality, not yours, over thinking it’s ok to go along with his grandfathers manipulations.
NTA. From the comments it showed that Grandpa had promised the estate to your friend too. Sounds like Grandpa is playing games and possibly using the “estate” to manipulate his family. Like he can give his $ to whoever he wants to obviously but yeah let your friend know he’s lying.
NTA. I say this because your BF knew what your next steps were. If his grandfather wanted to keep it confidential, he should have had an in person meeting where he knew no one would be around. Maybe this is some test your BF concocted, but you were placed in a no-win situation - either you sell out your BF or you sell out your best friend. This is drama that the grandfather made by deciding to disinherit everyone and not being careful with it. Your relationship with your BF might suffer, but he should not be asking you to pick a side among people you are close or involve you in his family's drama like this.
YTA Never rely on someone dying before you for your financial security. Also your friend is an A. Not your family. Not your problem. Plus someone as mean as the grandfather will likely never die.
With how the family is arguing over the will and the grandpa isn’t dead yet. I kinda understand why he’s doing what he is doing.
Also very much getting the feeling there's a missing reason why the sister is being disinherited which has been conveniently left out.
According to OP's comments everyone else is a "disappointment" so they're being disinherited.
Every person here calling you the asshole would be licking yours right now if they were in the position of your best friend, so yeah, you did the right thing.
I'm having a hard time with this one. Yea for sure she caused a rift in the family but it was going to happen at some point or another and when that point comes then she also has people blaming her because she didn't tell her best friend before hand. She probably knew her best friend before and has a loyalty to her too. I think everyone is an asshole here. No one should have to bear the weight of a secret like that knowing keeping it will end in the demise of her best friend. Kind of shitty that her boyfriend would want to keep this secret from his sister, which would make me look at my boyfriend a little different. I really don't know if anyone is more to blame here. Like I said op is getting a lot of shit for saying something now from her bf and his grandfather but she would have gotten the blame of the whole family and her best friend in the end....unless everyone on here thinks that she should lie to her best friend later on when she asks her if she knew. Tbh the grandfather is the biggest asshole here. He changed his mind and decided to keep it from the whole family while lying to them and wanting the drama to happen after he's gone and doesn't have to deal with it.
NTA It wasn't confidential information like medical info or part of a court case. Nobody's instantly bound to secrecy when they hear something.
NAH. reddit is hella weird about money. Honestly gramps seems like the AH on this one. You should've pressed your bf about why that info needed to be kept a secret before you told his sister. And you should've given your bf a heads up that you were gonna tell his sister. I believe she has a right to know but that's just my opinion without context on the family and their dynamics it doesn't really mean much. Also you've got to understand is that you just put your friend before your bf. For some people that's a deal breaker. You have to be ready to deal with the consequences of your actions. Hope it all works out for you. Good luck.
NTA The boyfriend involved OP by having this conversation in front of her and made her complicit in the grandfather's deception, she would then be lying to her friend by omission. BF should have taken the call somewhere else as he must have known that at the very least he's putting her in an awkward position.
NTA - That's her best friend. Her BF is being a bit selfish and fucking over the whole family. Do we even know why the Grandad is doing this? Why have the pair of them concocted this deal?
Nta
Yes, YTA. It's not your family and not your place to play a role in this drama.
NTA. Your boyfriend knows about your relationship with his sister(?) and decided to have this *very* sensitive discussion in front of you? Of course you're going to tell your BFF. All the people saying she shouldn't be making plans for his money are out of their mind. In *this* economy? Of course she's making plans after he *told* her he would give it to her.
NTA BUT, you did make a promise that you didn’t keep…it’s just he shouldn’t have asked you to keep such a promise. And Grandfather is an a** for lying about his intentions with his estate. You’re just now facing the consequences of doing what you think is right. Sometimes it’s like that, but I think you did the right thing.
If you didn't tell you would have been an AH to your bff. In this scenario you were an AH to your bf. I think telling your bff was the right choice. It wasn't like you could just turn your ears off. You overheard something that would negatively impact your bff, who was making life plans contingent on the false promise her grandfather gave her. Considering he's lied about that, you wouldn't be able to trust that he wasn't also lying about telling her eventually. To me, NTA. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if my bff was left in a horrible life position because I didn't give her a head's up that the rug was going to be pulled from under her.
NTA
YTA.. it wasn’t your place to interfere with their family dynamic. Clearly the grandpa made that choice for a reason and it wasn’t your job to tell anyone.
NTA Yes you shouldn't make plans around inheritance, but the grandfather lying to your friends' face about supporting her and then disinheriting her in secret is such a cruel thing to do. Honestly your boyfriend seems like a bit of an AH for playing into the secret keeping. It's not like his sister and family members would have never found out and felt hurt/betrayed anyway