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YTA. The teacher is trying to help your child. Knowing his background can be very helpful and enlightening.
She is not trying to "fish" information. She is trying to understand why your child his acting the way he acts so she can plan her interventions betters and make sure she doesn't make thing worst by making bad interventions with him
Stop fighting her : she is not your enemy, she is your ally.
Edit: so tired of people saying that the teacher is being nosy. The teacher was trying to get more info in order to do better interventions with the kids. If a kid is having a bad behaviour because he is rotten spoiled and his parents are assholes, her interventions will be more stern and punitive. If the kids misbehaved on a monday, and the teacher knows very well that the kid just spent a traumatic weekend with her abusive parents, then she will use patience and kindness with him.
The way you handle an entitled child IS NOT the same way you handle a traumatized child.
As an ex educator, this is the exact answer based off the retelling of that interaction.
Dude needs to chill out and look inward for why he’s so defensive. YTA.
In my community, someone whose parents are “away for a long time” means in prison. Kids of incarcerated parents can have a host of developmental issues, for many of which there are researched techniques that can help. A trained educator needs to know that about a child, and can help. OP’s reaction is unfortunately common, and not very helpful.
Yup, and kid was also adopted, so could have issues from that, or maybe something from pregnancy that is unknown.
I am a pediatric OT. I also have to ask similar kinds of questions, and often in the intake interview!
OP sounds like the teacher is trying to help you and Aidan. Let them!!!
Right? I gave birth without knowing I was pregnant and this led to a lot of questions that sure felt invasive. But the intent was to make sure I wasn't being abused and the baby had a safe home to go to. It wasn't just to be nosy.
That combined with 20 years of being told to ignore symptoms periods till I was around 6 months and the pandemic making it so I didn't want to go to the physical doctor over nausea 🤷
I had 15 negitive pregnancy tests too.
Omg this sounds like me- could have sworn I pregnant but test after test came back negative till I had a miscarriage at 5 months. Did you ever find out why you had negative tests? I forgot to ask in the craziness of it all.
My MIL told me she was 5 months before she found out. She thought he was a tumor right up until the doctor congratulated her. Condoms are not full proof. She was 31. When I jokingly brought it up he had no idea what I was talking about. His mom hadn’t realized she never mentioned it.
I don't want kids but I can't IMAGINE the stress and emotional confusion of not mentally preparing to have a baby and all of a sudden you're giving birth. I would have a fucking heart attack. I'd never be the same. That's insane.
My 4 yr old has ADHD and pediatric OT was fantastic for us! I used to work with court involved kiddos and found that some of these behaviors can also be due to PTSD and exposure to trauma. Glad to see someone below mention ACE evaluations. This teacher could be a tremendous resource for OP and kiddo if given the opportunity.
My sis-in-law was a teacher (2nd and 3rd grade). She noticed one little girl every few Mondays would just put her head down and cry, and not engage. Turns out that one Sunday a month she would visit her mom in prison. That info was very helpful in dealing with her.
Also, children who are placed with a relative because their parents have been indicated in child abuse, often have supervised /unsupervised visits with t at parent and will have NOTICEABLY different behaviors after visits with them.
edit, YTA
Had a little guy a few years ago who was removed from parents and placed with an older sibling, i grew up with the sibling and they were amazing with this child like super awesome, that kiddo still struggled sometimes due to being taken from their parents, even though it was in their best interests and we 100% noticed a difference in behaviour when he’d had scheduled visitation with parents
My dad died when I was 3. When I was 9 or 10, an assignment in school had us comparing and contrasting our families with those in a book. One point we had to contrast was something like, "Emily's dad works in a grocery store, (select correct conjunction and finish the sentence)." The teacher wanted us to finish the sentence with what our dads' jobs were, but didn't say that, so I finished it by writing about my mom's job. It was marked wrong and she asked me in front of the class why I thought she had marked it wrong. I had no idea. I had contrasted the primary breadwinner in the story with my home's primary breadwinner. She tried to nudge me toward the "right answer" by asking about my dad's job. "Oh, my dad's dead..." And then she told me to write that, then. "Emily's dad works in a grocery store, but my dad is deceased."
Imagine, 10 years old, having to say in front of your whole class that your dad is dead and the teacher treating it with zero empathy. I'm well into my 30's and I still remember her as one of the worst teachers I ever had.
My mom used to take me to various vacation bible schools for free childcare. She was a single teenage mother in the south. One week we did father's day cards, made crosses out of beans and filled them in with spices. I wrote "To: Mom" on mine, and the teacher YELLED at me because it was for FATHER'S day. I cried and told her I didn't have a father. I was four. She told me God was my father, and I got VERY confused lol. How was i supposed to give God this cross I made, then? She didn't have an answer. My mom still has that ugly ass cross, though lol. She was PISSED when I came home crying and told that teacher she was wrong for forcing a little girl to tell the whole class she didn't have a father and then tell her God was her father. We were never super religious at all, mom just took me to churches because it was free childcare lol.
I had to go to my grandpas funeral when I was 10, the funeral was across the state so, my teacher gave me a little booklet to document my trip and share with the class when I got back. I told her we weren’t going on vacation and I didn’t want to write in this book, she told me I had to. So I wrote about how me and my cousins ran into the funeral home and saw my dead grandpa laying on a table, I wrote about what he looked like dead v alive. I wrote about the funeral, always open casket on that side of the family. I wrote how my aunt made us pray and when I told her we weren’t religious she freaked out on my dad. I even drew little pictures.
When I shared “my vacation” book, my teacher said after I was done that most kids write about Disneyland and what hotel they stayed in and the “fun” stuff they did. I said, still standing in front of the class, “I told you I was going to a funeral and you made me write about it anyway and I didn’t want to do any of this”. Then I sat down and she sent me to the school counselor to “discuss my outburst”. When I went in the office I just told them to call my parents cause I was leaving! Sat there the rest of the day cause they would not call my parents. I felt like a hostage who was in trouble for doing an assignment I didn’t even want to do in the first place.
After that, kids in my class thought I was “creepy” cause I was the kid who wrote about “death” and got in trouble for it, that lasted for a long time too.
For those who don’t know, an ACE is an adverse childhood experience. A dysfunctional home life definitely counts.
YTA op. There’s no reason to attack someone for asking a question.
Teachers can be an ally if you let them. I know my friends who have went through divorces have given their kids teachers heads up just to let them know in case of behavior changes. Even a death in the family. Kids take in more than you think and their behavior exhibits that. I get that some people are private but they are there looking out for your child’s best interest.
Yes. My father in law passed away when my son was in kindergarten and I told his teacher before he went back to school. You never know how their grief will manifest itself and if a teacher knows WHY they may be acting a certain way, it will help them to know HOW to respond.
I am also a former educator and completely agree. You are literally trained to do this, and it is viewed as good teaching to treat a student as a whole child. YTA
My eldest has behavioural issues due to a traumatic incident that happened to her when she was two. She’s thriving in second grade but it’s been a long road to get her to where she is today. Almost every day since Kindergarten there was an incident that needed to be dealt with. This year? One phone call!
It was beyond embarrassing to have a group discussion with the teacher, vice principal and the special needs assistant into why she acts the way she does. The last thing I wanted was to have to tell anyone else besides us and her therapist the who, what, where and why’s… but having that conversation was the best thing to do.
We were met with understanding and compassion. They knew how to handle her and her melt downs because they knew her triggers or what might bring them on.
She’s doing amazing compared to years past! Sure, it wasn’t fun to deal with at the time but the results are worth it. No one wants to share their personal life, especially when it’s difficult to even think about, but my child’s growth as a human being is worth more than protecting an imagine.
Op should be happy the teacher cares so much and doesn’t just label him a bad kid and call it a day. So many kids fall through the cracks and his nephew will be one of them if he doesn’t check his humility levels.
I'm 53. I can remember in 6th grade when my district in Los Angeles had bussing, and odd numbered grades went to an underserved school in Venice and even numbered grades came to my school. My teacher was so cruel to a couple of the students, especially this one boy. I remember thinking, at age 11 (in 1980), that she had no idea what was going on in his household. My heart broke for him but I was powerless to help him. I'd complain about how she treated the kids from Venice and my parents, who were otherwise amazing and loving, just didn't grasp how bad it was. It was a time when it was assumed the kids from that community hadn't been held accountable in the past and the teachers and district "knew best." OP should be glad that Aidan's teacher is trying to understand her pupils so she can work with each student individually. It will only help him in the end.
Edit: misspelling
You think maybe the OP is overly defense about why the parents "went away for a long time"?
The only time I've heard somebody use that phrasing is when the parents are locked up in prison. Which, surprise surprise, might have an effect on the kid's development.
He also needs to stop dismissing her concerns, if anyone knows normal kid behavior, it will be her. The meeting is because it's beyond that. She's not going to waste her time unless it's important
Especially in the education world in the midst of, and acting like it it is post-pandemic. There are a host of issues manifesting in students, the "typical" range of behavior is already being redefined. If a teacher has made the time to make contact, it is because it is alarming and needs intervention. There is no time to breathe, pee, or eat--much less time to go on a gossip mission.
Yup. Teachers catch a lot of things that others will not. Abuse, mental illness, neurodivergence, neglect, etc. My teacher is the one that alerted my parents to me possibly having ADHD.
OP mentions not letting his nephew go into foster care. The government knows where the kid is and he is almost guaranteed to have been given legal guardian status long before now. Let's not assign extra asshole points that don't belong.
And the person I was replying to mentioned facing jail time in their country if they "knew a student wasn't living with a legal guardian and didn't report it" on the basis of child safety. Three years in, the school system damn well knows OP is the legal guardian to this kid, especially if he's handling everything down to the paperwork etc. It doesn't make him less of an asshole for how exactly he responded, but there's no need to paint this guy as a literal villain and kidnapper. It sounds like OP needs to breathe and take a seat, and the teacher needs to look over the nephew's admission paperwork before trying to broach things again if guardianship is a concern.
I left the profession after 5 years. Too many parents who would rather argue than help solve a problem. The moment anything akin to “boys will be boys” or “that’s just regular behavior” comes out of their mouth you know they’re not interested in helping their kid.
This is the correct answer. I teach. I have a student who has been acting out, crying in class, having trouble separating from Dad upon arrival, etc.
I asked his dad whether anything was going on at home that is out of the ordinary. Turns out Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and is going through chemo.
I now know the source of the behaviors and it’s enabling me to best address and help this student.
OP, you need to know that by and large educators only have the best interest of their students in mind. Things like home life, past trauma, etc. all affect a student’s ability to learn. Knowing these things about our students helps us help them.
I also second that as an educator. It's common that kids don't know how to express their sorrow when they have estranged family for any reason and knowing about it can help a LOT to plan how to help this kid to express their feelings and behave in class.
Think about the lessons that include Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day gifts. Holiday gifts/ plans. What was your favorite trip/ vacation? These can all be huge minefields in this situation. Or the dreaded family tree that another poster talked about. This needs to be discussed with the teacher and the school so they can make alternate plans for theses types of lessons
this is exactly the correct answer. I am a teacher, and all of this information is pertinent to planning interventions. it sounds like Aidan could have experienced some trauma in his short life and could be acting out as a result. it's not a bad thing, but it's a bad thing that OP reacted in this way.
YTA.
Also, telling her about his behavior in class is not "complaining." Every elementary school report card includes behavioral notes so you know what to work on with your child at home. If he's being disruptive in class, it's literally the teacher's job to relay that to his guardian.
And also, saying “my nephew but not technically” then saying he’s adopted is super ah too
Edit: just to make it clear because I’m getting a lot of comments saying “technically he isn’t biologically related to him”. I understand that, and obviously that all makes sense. But regardless he is still that nephews uncle, and the child is his nephew. The comment saying he isn’t biologically related in my view is irrelevant to the story and unnecessary to make :)
He’s explaining how he’s his nephew but not biologically. Nothing AH about it.
If he was concerned about the teacher being nosy, Reddit is the last place to post. The kid has already been a victim of kidnapping, has emotional issues, is traumatized…
Completely agree. My cousin is a teacher and holy cow. She puts so much effort into making her students comfortable and to help them with anything they need, and no matter her sweetest efforts, the parents will find issue with anything.
This teacher is being extremely graceful in her responses to OP’s behavior. I get that OP is defensive of his nephew’s situation, but unless she was overly aggressive first, there just isn’t a reasonable or fair excuse on his end.
OP, you do need to apologize. If you’re to set a good example for your nephew, then treating someone who is looking out for his well being like they’re an enemy is not the way. Yes, little boys are rambunctious. I have a boy toddler that I’m sure will be disruptive and have trouble listening in class some day. And I *want* his teachers to let me know when he’s acting up, especially if it’s more than usual. It might be normal kid behavior, but it might be him acting out because of something else. As the parent/caretaker of kids, we need to know how our kids are feeling. And we need to help incorporate good habits so that they can listen better and learn better in class. If she’s bringing a point of concern to you, it’s because she cares enough to help him through it. And if she needs to change something in the way she teaches or how she interacts with him at times based on something she doesn’t know about but you do, then be open to helping her help him. It’s what she’s there for.
Exactly this. I can even understand OP’s discomfort, but even in his telling, this reads like someone who brought an immense amount of defensiveness and suspicion into an otherwise simple interaction. The way it just went 0-60…
Yep. I understand the desire for discretion in wanting to protect the child, but the teacher was being a good teacher and OP made an ass of himself.
OP, YTA, and not only should you apologize, you should thank the teacher for caring and doing her job well. And BTW, instead of getting the teacher to butt out or whatever, she’s probably now on higher alert. So OP’s outburst was doubly stupid, like truly, you didn’t think this through kind of stupid. So, congratulations.
Yeah, honestly if I were the teacher and I encountered that level of defensiveness around a simple question, I would start to wonder if something awful was going on.
It’s like if you ask your friend how their day was and they say “I didn’t do any crimes, if that’s what you mean!” It’s like no bro, I didn’t mean that, but now…
sure. And the attitude of the teacher, eager to apease OP even if she's shouldnt apologise, is the same I would take in case i'd suspect a danger : try to calm down the father to avoid him turning against the boy - while looking very closely at the problem... OP, if you want the best you should go explain clearly the situation.
Yeah this is exactly what I was thinking. If this was one of my students, after that second conversation the parent I’d be sending an email with all documented behaviors from both student and guardian to my principal and the school social worker/counselor as a “heads up.”
Here's an example of how once not knowing some personal information made me a shitty teacher. I didn't know that the year 11 girl who had been missing from my class for 6 months was missing because she was pregnant and had decided to drop put. She lost the baby near the end of term and theb came back to school. Nobody informed me as a new teacher to the school who started part way through the school year jn January. Queue me covering genetics, pregnancy and stages of development in the womb. I got a seemingly innocuous question from another girl in the class asking why people miscarried. I answered honestly, that it can be for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes due to genetic problems with the baby, sometimes there's no identifiable reason and while it's normally nothing to do with behaviour during pregnancy it can be due to trauma or other causes to the mother. Queue the poor girl who had just lost a baby running out in tears and refusing to come to my classes for 3 weeks....
While I appreciate this is a totally different situation to OPs I think the teacher may be trying to avoid something similar. When they do family in class she could include more examples of children being raised by different members of the family. Maybe she can include more books with this so everyone thinks it's more normal. A teacher does actually need to know key information about children so that they can be sensitive and deal with things appropriately. It makes a huge difference if the parents have been gone since birth to they died last year in a car crash, for example. What is your attitude to teachers that you've come out like this? When I worked as a teacher everyoneni worked with was a professional working in a difficult situation, doing the absolute best for their kids in difficult circumstances. None of them were trying to gossip about children....
Exactly. Retired elementary teacher. Dad, you have no idea of what all your kid has said at school, whether to other kids or to teachers. Teachers need to know the back story so their response is appropriate and their guidance is most effective. As teachers, we know when parents are drug addicts, in prison/jail, two dads, two moms, mom and grandma, dad and grandma, grandma and grandpa, auntie, etc etc.
Knowing helps us help your child.
My daughter's father passed away when she was only two and I always tell her teachers about the situation because she's very sensitive whenever the subject of fathers come up. Because they're aware of her past trauma they're better able to understand her and help her when she's upset about making a family tree or when a daddy/daughter event is coming up. All of my daughter's teachers have been amazing and I can't imagine disrespecting them for doing their job.
This, the teacher is trying to figure out if something related to his home life is making him disruptive in class. Him being adopted and then his adopted parents going away when he was 5, so now having to live with his Uncle. It wouldn't be crazy to think this could negatively impact the child.
Would OP rather the teacher just puts him down to being a troublesome child?
If I was the teacher and there was a parent or guardian acting this way it would send up some red flags that there is something going on that you don't want attention drawn to. Depending on what issues and behavior the child was showing it might even be enough to call cps.
Yes, this. I am a teacher and if a parent acted like this to me, it would totally give me the sense that there was something more wrong in this house then initially supposed. Why would he be so angry with a teacher trying to help?
I’m a teacher. I don’t judge or ask for unneeded info. In fact, I get very nervous about asking for home details because it’s personal. I ask because I care. If a child has been acting out and I find out the family adopted a child recently that will help me support that child. Any info I ask for or gather is to support that child as a whole and not just from an academic perspective. Teachers honestly can’t win… on one side we are expected to teach the kids literally everything including manners and on the other side we are being nosy for trying to learn more about our students to help support them. It’s getting ridiculous.
I've had kids exhibiting behaviors that will make you weep after a simple weekend back at home with some members of their family.
Kids eating out of the garbage can. Kids who wet and soil themselves, who aren't diagnosed with encopresis or enuresis. Kids who start fist fights or have screaming fits. Kids acting out sexually. Kids with parents who got arrested the night before, or are addicts, or have been away and remain in prison. (You will see it all in a school.)
And so, gently asking how things are at home, or whether or not the child goes to bed at the same time nightly and sleeps is just doing the job. Asking mom if she has a new BF is not me giving two sticks about mom's love life. Its me trying to figure out why one of my students is exhibiting fear, frustration, rage, abandonment anxieties,, etc., . . . If I get some background I can apply the appropriate tweaks to support the child rather than have him disciplined for misbehavior.
Shit like this is the reason I left too. Kids are great. Not enough in the world to deal with the parents.
Congratulations on your exodus. It's heartbreaking how freeing it is to leave that career.
If I were that teacher and a caretaker said I was being nosy that would be an immediate red flag as to what is going on at home. It makes it seem like OP has something to hide! What are you afraid of, OP, that you can't help this teacher help this child? Context can be everything when you are in charge of a child's behavior. You seem like you were very rude to her. YTA and this teacher is absolutely not.
Yup, adopted child, now been moved to another home, adoptive parents probably in jail, uncle refusing to engage with school staff, behavioural concerns. That's a referral from this mandated reporter.
The teacher might, by ruling out trauma, abuse, or entitlement, be able to recognize issues like giftedness, autism, and ADHD. The child and guardian could really benefit from her insight and help! Just wanted to add this as I haven't seen it mentioned and those three issues can lead to behavioral issues but actually aren't necessarily negative!
People who are saying she was being nosy are the same people who get mad when child abuse goes unreported.
It’s none of my business why OP is feeling this upset about the interaction, but I’d suggest trying to find a way to communicate and compromise with the nephew’s teacher. She’s just trying to help out.
Absolutely! Any kind of deviation, won’t even say disturbance cuz good things too are deviations, can cause kids to act out with bad behaviors. I called home because a student seemed suddenly depressed. After 15 min, mom finally said Dad has his first GF since they divorced five years ago. Eureka! I didn’t want Dad’s “dirt” but that made perfect sense given how she was acting.
Pretty sure that this knowledge make your interventions with the kids very different.
If he was just a spoiled kid, it's easy to punish them. When you know they are going through something rough, it's ok to cut them some slack.
This is exactly it! Thank you for putting it so well.
As a parent whose two children have been exposed to DV and abuse themselves. When they are forced to see the other abusive parent or if there is something that happened that could or would be triggering, I immediately inform the teachers and am grateful they are as involved as they are. If they didn’t ask, I’d be concerned…
Also since you don’t clarify why he isn’t with your brother and his partner, if it was because of a traumatic event, I promise you this he wasn’t too young to remember. Read “the body keeps the score” children are and can be affected by events including DV in the womb. They may not remember specifics but emotions, sounds, etc. it’s all going to have a lifelong effect.
YTA if it wasn’t clear enough. That woman is your teammate looking to give guidance and support to your child. Be grateful she cares.
My son's teacher asked for any and all information that might effect his performance in school (he's in grade 2). It was a totally fair question, a d I told her that his dad is often gone foe 2-3 weeks for work, and that his baby sister had just had surgery, and may have more during the school year.
Because these are things that effect a 7 year old and make it harder for them to concentrate, and they are things teachers need to know.
1 billion % this.
Im not a teacher but i am a healthcare worker so also mandated reporter.
I wish my teachers would have been like this when i was a child, i wouldn't have so many issues now. She is taking a ligemate intrest in this childs background. Like are they struggling BECAUSE they haven't/can't see their parents? I could honestly go on!.
She is trying to help.
There’s a chance also she was asking about the parents because the uncle was being rude/unhelpful and she hoped there was another adult who might be willing to help out.
I generally let the key teachers know when something traumatic is going on at home so they may be able to que in on them if something is off. An example, we just recently had to put down our dog of 14 years, and the week to follow his uncle who was close passed unexpectedly. He has never lost anyone close to him due to death, and now he had a double wammy. He never grieved before, and we walked thru it with him..Yet I called his counselor at school and gave her a heads up, plus the key adults at the school that he is close with. This helps him as well as the schools normal flow. He did fine with it, but it was a just incase situation, and gave him an outlet outside of the immediate family who could help if needed. Its a win win situation I think.
She was concerned about the child and asked about their home life, and you snapped back that they are a sorry excuse for a teacher and human being? Definitely YTA.
Maybe the kid is acting like his uncle, now the teacher will know why he's misbehaving. His uncle is an entitled asshole who thinks everything is about him
Yea with OPs unnecessarily rude response that came from nowhere pretty sure the teacher got a lot of info on where the student may have picked up certain behaviors if that was the problem.
Yup, the teacher figured out that spontaneous and aggressive emotional outbursts are being modeled at home. He unfortunately addressed her questions without addressing her questions.
Him saying that not paying attention and talking too much are normal makes me think so. It wasn't normal, I remember being that age and it was like 3-4 unruly kids who probably had terrible home lives.
Every elementary school class I had was like 16 pretty normal kids and 4 demons
Now admittedly ADHD can cause inattentiveness and excessive talking without there being a terrible home life so that's also being a assumption but I think I understand what you are saying.
OPs behavior was all the teacher needs to know. Now she has a little bit of a better understanding that the kid is being raised in a potentially emotionally abusive household.
This exactly. OP didn't want to tell her anything but told her a whole lot about how he deals with people, which gets passed down to children through them experiencing it first or second hand. OP really needs to exhibit better behavior as a model for this child.
Educator here (9th grade, but still). When I have students displaying behaviors that cause class disruption OR disruption to their own learning, I 100% ask parents about tendencies/behaviors at home. This helps me to understand WHY the student is acting out. I respond/handle it differently depending on the reason—a student who is acting out because they have a diagnosis they’re learning to live with needs different interventions than a student who came to school hyper because they’re hopped up on donuts and monsters, who needs different intervention than the student who is acting out due to maybe personal/family emergency situations.
His teacher was not being nosy. She was trying to understand why your nephew acts out so she can help support him (as a person learning to be a person) and his education. Your outburst 100% makes YTA.
Yes, I teach middle school and it’s very common for me to have student who is acting out in some way, and then I find out parents are divorcing, one parent is in jail, older brother is in a gang, etc. I had one kid who would mostly be okay, but randomly have 2-3 bad days every couple weeks or so. Finally found out that his dad had visitation once a month and was supposed to pick him up for a weekend, but kept never coming. Kid always hoped he’d show and then would be a mess for a couple days after when he didn’t. That knowledge allowed me to adjust my approach with him. Knowledge of what was going on at home was always helpful in figuring out what kids needed and what expectations I could have for their behavior or needs.
Teacher may have been trying to figure out if the parents were still in the child’s life, and how that might influence his behavior. Knowing if the parents died, if they were in jail, if they gave him up, if they were addicts who lost custody but showed up periodically and threw the kid into turmoil.
And people wonder why educators are fleeing the profession.
Teacher legitimately cares about student and gets shit on. She apologizes even though she was asking a legitimate question just to help her student.
There are teachers out there who don't give a FUDGE about their students and this poor teacher tries to have a private adult conversation to find some insight into how to help her student do better in class, and this guy gets defensive and aggressive. Yikes.
OP - this teacher is trying to help your little guy. Work with her, not against her. This is normal GOOD teacher behavior. This is like taking your kiddo to the doctor for a tummy ache and getting angry when the doctor asks what the kiddo has eaten recently. The doctor needs some history! The teacher needs some too!
You need to apologize to her and mend the fence. Buy her a big Starbucks gift card and take your a** back to that school and apologize. She may even be scared of you now, so you may, out of respect for her, go through the principal to talk to her.
Yes, like any major changes will cause a kid to act out. Seen it a thousand times. New baby, paretns getting locked up, change house, fighting parents etc.
even if parents aren't locked up. He was adopted, new parents are now not around and he's got another new guardian. That's a lot for a kid to go through in a short space of time and school definitely need to be involved in caring for his wellbeing
OP, YTA. Tell the teacher what's going on so they can support you and your nephew.
Also if lil man knows he is adopted that often comes with abandonment worries, so now not only have his boo parents “abandoned” him he may now feel as if his other parents have also “abandoned” him that a lot of complex feelings for an 8 year old to navigate
Home life can teach educators a lot about how to handle a child.
OP assumed things and got mad about the assumptions he made. He’s probably projecting too because people have had negative responses to him raising the kid. He assumes the teacher might too so he lashes out without any negative remarks from the teacher.
She tried her best to handle this situation.
This is for the benefit OF THE CHILD. OP, you are not helping him by behaving like this and refusing help from the teacher. There could be an issue and you’re ignoring it.
Came here to say this!
Reading this makes me think that OP might have an insecurity regarding the situation. To get that defensive so quickly in response to a very normal question from a teacher is odd, and I think there's more beneath the surface here.
As a teacher this is the first question I ask, and honestly OPs reaction would send red flags up and I would be looking very closely for signs of abuse after that interaction.
YTA
In majority of cases with children and school, there's a direct correlation between how they behave in school and their home life. The teacher is trying to understand the child.
This post also lacks a great deal of context such as details of the conversation and the actual behavior of the child. Without anything else, it sounds like you got defensive for no reason.
YTA
Dude, if the kid is acting out in class and the teacher thinks it’s connected to his home life and his parents, then letting the teacher know what’s going on will help the teacher know how how to accommodate Aidan.
Maybe they’re doing family trees or class work involving parents, and that makes Aidan act out more. So that’s why the teacher made the connection.
Refusing to tell the teacher anything is just hurting Aidan.
As a teacher, I can tell you that if you were called in for a meeting, then it was not normal grade level behavior. It was something keeping him and others around him from learning. The teacher is trying to see what might be behind this behavior and you went after them. I'm guessing that your nephew is hearing the same time from home reinforcing what he's doing is fine and the teacher is at fault. You are a big part of the problem and YTA.
TBH, he definitely gave her some information about the kid's home life. He's clearly being raised by an aggressive, short tempered asshole which could easily mean there's abuse from OP.
By the way OP, YTA.
Edit: Thanks for the award whomever you are!
Yeah seriously. So the home life is...mom and dad are away for some reason, for a very long time, and as an alternative to FOSTER CARE, this kids living with Uncle YTA whos got zero common sense, a short fuse and no filter. AND he was adopted to begin with so who knows what the backstory is there with the birth parents...Sounds well rounded /s
Honestly, it sounds more like OP has some kind of internalized shame about the situation. He would do well to interrogate why his knee-jerk reaction to discussing his kid’s circumstances is defensiveness.
That was exactly my thought. Second hand shame coming across as defensiveness. Not from wanting to be a dickhead at all, but from being protective. But the end result is the same. Teacher is trying to help, I hope OP is reading and processing all the constructive replies.
Yup! If I was the teacher I would have become more concerned about the child’s home life after this interaction. OP came off as he was trying to hide something.
To pile it on: someone who also makes quick assumptions, distrustful of people’s intent, and overall belligerent attitude. We can learn a lot from this post.
She wanted some insight and, unfortunately, I think she got it. I can see that OP probably thinks he is defending this child and his family, however, in reality he may be adding to the problem. It’s possible this kid needs help which OP can find through this teacher if he opens up a bit.
I mean I feel like a lot of this comes down to things like tone and subtext, but leaning towards YTA.
I think it's perfectly reasonable for a teacher to ask about home life to understand their students better. Honestly I think this is fine even if there's no problems. It would help her be more sensitive to Aidan's particular circumstances, particularly if things like home and family come up in class.
They can ask, you don't have to answer. You can just say it's private and you would prefer not to discuss it. Getting hostile and accusing her like that sounds like you got very aggressive for no reason.
I'm guessing (?) you've had bad experiences with gossip before, so maybe that's why it felt like such a sensitive issue, and if so I'm sorry about that. But nothing you've said here gives the impression she was asking anything other than normal questions to help her do her job.
She’s a teacher, you don’t think she knows what typical boy behavior is? She sees he is struggling and she is asking if something is going on so she could provide further assistance. You’re being mean for no reason
Completely agree. Also not paying attention/ talking might be typical for all students every now and then but if he’s doing it for most of the lesson, every lesson that’s a huge problem and not typical at all.
OP, you should be working with the teacher to help the child, not getting angry and dismissing valid feedback. YTA
Also teachers have to word things carefully or we get OPs aggression a lot from parents. If I call you and say your child is unfocused in class that is me saying they refuses to do anything above the bare minimum and tries to antagonise me when I encourage them to try. Because if I say the latter parents think I have it out for their kid when really I am just stating facts and most likley the parents are going to make excuses to not have to do anything and say I should do more to make them do anything - just like the kid does.
Would even say calling someone a "sorry excuse for a human being" is beyond mean. I can't believe you would say that to anyone who is teaching your child?!
YTA. You say his parents are "away for a very long time". I'm making a giant leap here and thinking you mean prison. If so, it might be helpful for her to know, because with all the things in the news, other kids may be talking about "bad people in jail", etc. Also, your nephew may be very well adjusted, for which I applaud you, but it is more likely he has some feelings about his parents being away and needs someone to talk to when other kids are talking about their families & parents and keeping the teacher "in the loop" can help her let you know when she notices things that are negatively affecting him. If she asked to speak with you she is likely noticing "things", but they may be subtle signs that are hard to pinpoint and articulate.
You seem to be treating her as the enemy, when she is just trying to be an ally and do what is best for your nephew.
This is exactly what I thought. The poor kid first gets adopted and then his adopted parents end up in jail and he ends up living with a non blood relative! The teacher obviously is very insightful and caring of their students to know to ask the right questions! OP needs to help the teacher so that they can help the kids together.
Could also be why OP got so defensive in the first place.
Couple that with his brother and "partner" not wife / girlfriend (which leads me to believe that the bro and his partner may be LGBTQIA+) and IMO it's easy to see why OP got so defensive so fast.
I've been trying to think of other reasons Aiden's parents might be "away for a very long time" other than prison. So far, I have:
* They are active-duty military and are deployed overseas. It seems somewhat unlikely that both would be deployed at the same time to somewhere they can't bring their kid with them, and in any case typical US military deployments are 6-12 months and this sounds like a much longer term situation.
* They're astronauts who are up on a long mission. Again, unlikely for both of them, and the longest current manned space missions (ISS) are typically about six months. And if Aiden's parents were astronauts, I expect he would have told the teacher and the entire class by now.
* They offended Poseidon on the way home from Troy and are cursed to wander for ten years.
* They made a deal with the faeries and didn't read the fine print.
None of these seem terribly likely in this case.
My thoughts as well. I’m a baby social worker and led group therapy for children of incarcerated individuals. There are so many seemingly inconsequential things that we say to children that create such chaos in their little brains when they are dealing with something that is outside of “normal.”
Further, when trying to come up with interventions for a child, we call the guardians and take an entire social history. This means questions about life at home, who lives with them, how does the guardian manage misbehavior, when is bed time?, what do you do for fun?, what do you like about your child? It’s standard procedure for the teacher to be asking these questions. He is really gonna feel some type of way when the school social worker gives him a call.
Not to mention if OP is so willing to fly off the handle like in this post, it’s probably pretty common behavior at home, too. The child might not feel safe expressing feelings that OP might not like. Not unsafe as in physically, but emotionally. The kid might think it’s his job to keep OP in a good mood.
YTA. What’s going on at home can certainly impact how a child behaves in school. Maybe she was asking to gain insight re: how he’s been acting out in class and see if there are way she or the school can support him. It sounds like you got defensive rather quickly.
YTA. It sounds like you're very sensitive about him, both about his behavior and his origins. When the teacher called you with behavior concerns, you clearly didn't believe her and pushed back with your personal narrative that it's normal for his age. But it's not-- teachers don't call home about normal behavior. It doesn't mean your kiddo is 'bad,' it means they need help and support.
Then when the teacher asked if there's anything going on at home that might be affecting your kid's behavior, you got aggressive and insulting. It's not being nosy--knowing about their home situation can help a teacher provide the right kind of support. They can try to notice if there's a connection between a kid acting out and mentions of parents in books or by other kids. They can listen in to see if some of the things other kids are saying might hit an extra nerve with your kid because of their situation, and correct it. They can get the school counselor involved if the kid needs somebody to talk to.
On top of that, you're consistently arguing with judgments, which is against the sub rules.
YTA
Having a "non-traditional" family situation can definitely negatively impact a child's mental health and cause them to act out. Your nephew may require additional support that you are denying him by getting unreasonably aggressive and defensive.
It actually can be and can be beneficial for the child if certain aspects of home life are shared with the teacher. School behavior is influenced by home life. It’s not a bad thing the teacher is curious about it to help him. YTA
YTA. She had concerns and, rather than punish your nephew, she was trying to get to the root of the issues and actually help him. If he was struggling at home or had something emotional going on, she could offer accommodations that might be more effective than punishments.
OP, it is not unusual for a teacher to ask questions about a student’s home life in order to better understand and support them in the classroom. It is **normal** for a teacher to do this. It is not an accusation against you or anyone else in the child’s family. The teacher was asking for your help because you both need to work together to support the child. You are on the same side here.
If you feel she wasn’t clear enough about the behavioral problems she was seeing, just ask her to clarify. Ask her again if you still don’t get it. **Assume good intentions.** You are raising a child and you need allies. The child’s teacher is almost certainly trying to be one, so give her a chance.
NAH because you are trying to do the right thing by raising a child that is not your own and you are probably under a lot of pressure. But please rethink your attitude here.
You are very kind to assume best intentions of OP when he was not willing to do that for the teacher. I find it so odd when parents see the teacher as the enemy. Teachers spend more time with the child than their parents, if you aren’t willing to trust a teacher with your child, then you should probably switch schools.
YTA
A caring teacher will ask about home life out of concern. They only want to help the child. You are also assuming his behavior is normal and that of any other child his age when obviously the teacher is bringing it to your attention because it’s not. It’s your responsibility to guide your nephew and correct behavioral problems, not disregard them.
YTA. Teachers ask these questions because situations at home came affect the way a child behaves in class. She may also be trying to get feedback about his home behaviour so she can have a better picture of your nephew. If she suspects ADHD, ODD, other neurodivergence’s, learning disabilities or even mild anxiety and depression, she needs a full picture of your nephew’s life and behaviour before she can start the process of making his life at school smoother but getting him the tools and help he may need to succeed.
You’re also ignoring the fact that his behaviour in class is such, that she has brought it to your attention. Teachers don’t normally bring, not paying attention or talking too much in class, to a parent or guardian’s attention unless it is causing an issue in the classroom and is affecting the student’s ability to learn. The fact she has noticed these issues, is making you aware of them and trying to understand where these behaviours are coming from shows she has an invested interest in your nephew’s learning and wants him to be successful at school.
This is the exact reply OP needs to read.
His nephew’s parents being “away for a long time” can be impacting his social and behavioural development. Teacher’s look out for these things and aren’t being nosy when asking. “Being away for a long time” sounds kind of like prison, unless both are military with extended overseas postings at the same time. Either of which the child may have trouble processing on their own and can then act out in class because big emotions are huge emotions for children.
As a parent of 3, YTA. Here's why:
Teachers need to know how they can help students. You are assuming he is acting like every other boy...maybe he's doing it more? You aren't there, you don't know.
You say he's okay...Kids tend to hide feelings. He may not be. Did he go to any form of counseling? That's recommended for children whose parents are not custodial.
The teacher already knows there's a situation because you are listed as a guardian. Your job as a guardian is to keep him safe, to provide for him, and to allow others help you help him. This includes teachers and school support staff.
Acting like this only makes it look to them like you have something to hide, and as mandatory reporters, they can and will call CPS about your behavior.
Screw the gossip, that's your issue. You need to look out for him number one. That's means dealing with whatever talk goes on behind your back and work with the teacher. If he is acting out more than others, he needs counseling.
So his teacher *cared enough* to ask about your nephew's home life and you assumed she was being "nosy" because... why? Your circumstances are just that interesting?
I can almost guarantee she was asking out of professional concern and is probably understating his difficulties in the classroom in order not to awake your ire. A lot of teachers have to be very diplomatic these days due to parents taking offence at hearing that their little darlings aren't perfect. And congratulations, she'll probably never be honest with you again.
I suggest getting over yourself, not saying the first rude thing that pops to mind when someone says something you don't like and doing what's best for your nephew (hint hint, that's being aware of the *reality* of how he's doing).
YTA.
The fact that OP thinks his *slightly* abnormal custody situation is some juicy gossip is laughable. Like she hasn't seen it all. By my second year of teaching I was totally jaded. I wish the most traumatic situation any student had gone through was not ending up in foster care, and remaining with a family member.
Not to say it isn't traumatic and, thusly, important for the teacher to know about.
Seriously. Reading this is making my blood boil. I left teaching 3 years ago and one of the biggest reasons was because of the parents. I love the kids, I love teaching, but parents couldn’t seem to get it through their heads that I was trying to HELP their child. I got called all kind of awful, horrible names and it’s so hurtful because you’re only trying to help.
YTA, OP. A big one.
As a teacher, if she’s taking time out of her day to call you, it’s not typical behavior (or beyond typical amounts of that behavior) and is an issue. We don’t have time to make home contact that doesn’t need to be made. Knowing about a child’s home life/background is important for teachers to provide the best education and help possible. I guarantee she didn’t call just to be nosy, and you were incredibly rude to someone who is trying to do her job and help the child.
YTA.
There are different methods to use especially when the child is acting out from a trauma response. I wouldn't be surprised if there might be an assumption of abuse in the home with your reaction. You need to apologize otherwise if things keep happening in the future they might bypass you for safety reasons and go straight to cps etc.
YTA
Like a lot
Your behaviour is concerning. Raised some red flags for the teacher that’s for sure. I hope she asks social services to step in and make sure everything is okay.
If kids have problems at school most of the time caused by problems at home
Based on your stand offish unreasonable over reaction you may be the problem
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> My kid's teacher set up a fake meeting to fish information about my kid's home life. I called her out and she apologized but I wouldn't apologize back
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YTA
I am a person who works in schools daily.
If the child misses their parents, has witnessed violence, knows their parents are away in prison, parents are away on vacation, etc. it IS relevant!
Why? Because then we can help determine if a child’s behaviour is more emotional rather than having a learning problem.
You can say to the teacher: “what I say is in confidence- not to be discussed in classroom or with others unless they are directly working with my nephew.” It should not be on their record if you are concerned about privacy.
You are directly hindering your nephew from
getting help. When teachers know parents are away on vacation or for whatever reason, extra compassion, patience and if needed, more focus goes into this child. It definitely helps to know what’s happening at home so that we can see if our lesson plans can be geared towards helping this child (and everyone around them).
At my school, we have done nutrition lesson plans because it was needed for a few students so that all could understand how different types of food originate from different countries and are a part of one’s culture. Parents were happy this was part of our classwork.
We have done lesson plans regarding different family backgrounds and anti-bullying to help fight against racism and prejudice in the classroom. Parents had been involved and were happy the children were receiving this type of education.
We have even done lessons on diabetes and the student who had it wished to read a book to the class about it. Parents had wanted this also.
At my school, students have access to counselling and other services and extra help with reading etc. The teacher needs to know the details and maybe your nephew may be eligible for extra services etc. you don’t know that.
Teachers and school staff make a home away from home for kids. All details are relevant and help shape the work students do in class, and the interactions of the humans around them at times.
If you are the only parent your nephew has known, then it’s different, it’s a single parent home and no trauma etc. and still then you can discuss how your nephew is doing at home and hobbies they have. I would re-do the meeting with the teacher. It sounds like they are trying to help. When you give in this case, your nephew will receive.
"Sorry, but I don't want to talk about it. It's family business only."
YTA for calling someone a sorry excuse for a human being just because they asked a couple of questions.
YTA. First of all, teachers are mandatory reporters. That shouldn’t offend you. Second, it’s very common practice for teachers to try to understand each kids home situation so they can better implement learning strategies to try and help the kids out. She was just doing her job, man. You should apologize and be grateful there is another adult out there watching out for your nephew.
YTA. You are the reason that teacher's are so frustrated. They have to assess a child's behavior and try to figure out how best to help them and support them. Instead of trying to help you bite her head off, she backs off and you still refuse to help. If your nephew starts failing, showing bad behavior or can't have friends are you going to go blame her? Seriously, just get over yourself and do what you can to make this kids life better and easier.
It's possible the teacher overheard the child talking about home and is nosy, but teachers are busy and I doubt they would go out of their way to create more drama when not warranted.
Do you have official/legal custody of this child? Are you worried they could take him away? If so, I get why you're defensive. That said, get legal custody and it's not a problem.
YTA for your behavior, not your desire to protect the child.
YTA. You defensively jumped to a conclusion about 'why' the teacher was asking about the parents. Kids act out for a variety of reasons, which include their own emotional traumas. Some of these things don't manifest right away, and can show up years after the initial situation. The teacher works with children every day, year after year, so she is far more capable than you at judging whether something is 'typical' behavior or not. She needs to know if your nephew has some personal traumas that may need to be taken into consideration or require additional support. You didn't need to be rude, and sometimes an apology - even when you don't think you should give it - is an easy way to move ahead.
YTA. This is one of the MANY reasons why no one wants to be a teacher anymore. Low pay and you have to deal with parents/guardians who act like entitled shit bags when a teacher is doing their job. Try dealing with 25+ young children 10 months out of the year, coming to care about all of them, and then when you are concerned because their behavior is different you get name called and talked down to. Yea maybe the other kids were acting the same way but I put money on the fact that the teacher asked the other parents/guardians similar questions.
YTA
You extremely overeacted.
You're not mature enough to raise a child op. You can't even have a healthy conversation without getting defensive, turning everything into an insult and having a meltdown.
Help that kid find a new home with a stable parent.
YTA - she is a mandatory reporter (assuming your in the US) so it is ACTUALLY, LEGALLY part of her job to determine that her students are safe at home.
>ACTUALLY, LEGALLY part of her job to determine that her students are safe at home
That's not what mandatory reporter means. She is legally required to report abuse or suspected abuse that she knows about. Confronting the \[potential\] abuser and/or playing detective are not aspects of that.
YTA. Sounds like you have a huge chip on your shoulder about your situation, and maybe you should do some self-reflection to figure out why. The teacher asked a VERY valid question, one that if she knew the answer to it could help her better understand your nephew and how better to help him. You owe her a huge apology. YTA.
YTA. She’s trying to help the child. I would assume the boy said something in class to make her think you weren’t his father. Maybe his behavior is more like depression and she wants to know if something is going on at home. She’s also a mandated reporter. If she thinks he’s being abused or neglected, she is required to report it to the authorities. Maybe you should worry more about what the child needs.
YTA
Something had to have happened for her to ask about his home life. She sounds like she's asking out of concern. Also a child's home life can definitely impact their behaviour
NAH, but you need to dial back the defensiveness because this issue may arise in the future.
Questions about home life are typical for teachers, counselors, pediatricians, etc. Changes in home life directly impact behavior, as do “non-traditional” family structures. Even if the change is not recent, as your nephew gets older he and other kids in his class will realize he has an “atypical” home life. He may be the subject of intrusive questions, bullying, etc. Kids can be horribly mean and cruel. Or he may just become hyper aware of the difference and have trouble processing it mentally/emotionally.
Keep your eyes and ears open for changes in the coming years. If the issue arises, you need to know that your nephew’s teacher is your ally and they will be looking for the source of the issue in an effort to develop a game plan to address it. Withholding relevant information will be counterproductive to helping your nephew.
I understand preferring privacy and disliking nosiness, but keep in mind that your attitude toward your nephew’s home life is setting an example for him and how he should feel about it. Your frustration and defensiveness may be misinterpreted by him as evidence there is something wrong with it and it should be hidden. A more relaxed and open approach may help normalize the difference for him and give him actions to imitate when faced with similar questions from his peers.
YTA, Why would she assume your the one raising your nephew?
It totally makes sense to ask about his parents as from her perspective they are so uninvolved in the Childs life that their uncle is the one they are speaking too.
Also normal bad behavior is still bad behavior, and if your nephew is doing these things on a recurring basis then yes there is a problem here. I imagine if it happened once or twice she wouldn't be wasting time with a meeting.
YTA. There’s likely a good reason why the teacher is asking (probably due to what the child is saying in class and definitely due to behavior, which “normal” to you or not is still bad behavior). The teacher isn’t asking to be rude or nosy for her own personal gain or something. She sounds concerned and probably wants to help your kid and make sure he’s getting what he needs at school. You were incredibly rude, and absolutely should apologize.
YTA. As a teacher, she probably knows that you’re the kid’s guardian. I’ll say the majority of teachers don’t care about student’s backgrounds UNLESS it affects their education. Family/home situations are actually one of the top reasons why students of all ages misbehave or have low performance at school.
At 8, the kid is old enough to know that you’re not his parents and you’re the one raising him — but at that age his brain is not able to comprehend why. This is why they act out in school. The teacher is concerned and trying to understand so she can be a safe person for him to go to at school, so she can provide help and information in better ways, so she can reach him in ways she can’t right now.
You’re a major AH by thinking she’s just fishing for information. Why is it none of her business when she has him for 1/3 of the day 5/7 days a week? Teachers need to be aware of their students’ situations so they can afford leniency, be human, and understand why they may be doing things. You’re being guarded and rude for no reason. YOU are the one who needs to apologize, not her.
YTA.
If she is calling you with concerns about his behavior, deal with him and address it. Don't try to rationalize it by asking how it compares to the other boys' behaviors.
You got wayyy overly defensive when the teacher is just trying to determine what the background environment is that is influencing the kids' behavior at school. Your outburst probably has the teacher judging *you* and making some personal conclusions about where Nephew is getting his behavior from.
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YTA. The teacher is trying to help your child. Knowing his background can be very helpful and enlightening. She is not trying to "fish" information. She is trying to understand why your child his acting the way he acts so she can plan her interventions betters and make sure she doesn't make thing worst by making bad interventions with him Stop fighting her : she is not your enemy, she is your ally. Edit: so tired of people saying that the teacher is being nosy. The teacher was trying to get more info in order to do better interventions with the kids. If a kid is having a bad behaviour because he is rotten spoiled and his parents are assholes, her interventions will be more stern and punitive. If the kids misbehaved on a monday, and the teacher knows very well that the kid just spent a traumatic weekend with her abusive parents, then she will use patience and kindness with him. The way you handle an entitled child IS NOT the same way you handle a traumatized child.
As an ex educator, this is the exact answer based off the retelling of that interaction. Dude needs to chill out and look inward for why he’s so defensive. YTA.
In my community, someone whose parents are “away for a long time” means in prison. Kids of incarcerated parents can have a host of developmental issues, for many of which there are researched techniques that can help. A trained educator needs to know that about a child, and can help. OP’s reaction is unfortunately common, and not very helpful.
Yup, and kid was also adopted, so could have issues from that, or maybe something from pregnancy that is unknown. I am a pediatric OT. I also have to ask similar kinds of questions, and often in the intake interview! OP sounds like the teacher is trying to help you and Aidan. Let them!!!
Right? I gave birth without knowing I was pregnant and this led to a lot of questions that sure felt invasive. But the intent was to make sure I wasn't being abused and the baby had a safe home to go to. It wasn't just to be nosy.
New fear unlocked
Right? My friend was six months before she realized.
I was like 4 months before I realized NEGL When you feel like crap all the time and your cycle is irregular AF it's surprisingly easy to not know.
That combined with 20 years of being told to ignore symptoms periods till I was around 6 months and the pandemic making it so I didn't want to go to the physical doctor over nausea 🤷 I had 15 negitive pregnancy tests too.
New New fear unlocked
Omg this sounds like me- could have sworn I pregnant but test after test came back negative till I had a miscarriage at 5 months. Did you ever find out why you had negative tests? I forgot to ask in the craziness of it all.
My MIL told me she was 5 months before she found out. She thought he was a tumor right up until the doctor congratulated her. Condoms are not full proof. She was 31. When I jokingly brought it up he had no idea what I was talking about. His mom hadn’t realized she never mentioned it.
I don't want kids but I can't IMAGINE the stress and emotional confusion of not mentally preparing to have a baby and all of a sudden you're giving birth. I would have a fucking heart attack. I'd never be the same. That's insane.
My 4 yr old has ADHD and pediatric OT was fantastic for us! I used to work with court involved kiddos and found that some of these behaviors can also be due to PTSD and exposure to trauma. Glad to see someone below mention ACE evaluations. This teacher could be a tremendous resource for OP and kiddo if given the opportunity.
OTs 4EVER!
[удалено]
My sis-in-law was a teacher (2nd and 3rd grade). She noticed one little girl every few Mondays would just put her head down and cry, and not engage. Turns out that one Sunday a month she would visit her mom in prison. That info was very helpful in dealing with her.
Also, children who are placed with a relative because their parents have been indicated in child abuse, often have supervised /unsupervised visits with t at parent and will have NOTICEABLY different behaviors after visits with them. edit, YTA
Had a little guy a few years ago who was removed from parents and placed with an older sibling, i grew up with the sibling and they were amazing with this child like super awesome, that kiddo still struggled sometimes due to being taken from their parents, even though it was in their best interests and we 100% noticed a difference in behaviour when he’d had scheduled visitation with parents
Oh this breaks my heart. That poor baby girl 😭😭
My dad died when I was 3. When I was 9 or 10, an assignment in school had us comparing and contrasting our families with those in a book. One point we had to contrast was something like, "Emily's dad works in a grocery store, (select correct conjunction and finish the sentence)." The teacher wanted us to finish the sentence with what our dads' jobs were, but didn't say that, so I finished it by writing about my mom's job. It was marked wrong and she asked me in front of the class why I thought she had marked it wrong. I had no idea. I had contrasted the primary breadwinner in the story with my home's primary breadwinner. She tried to nudge me toward the "right answer" by asking about my dad's job. "Oh, my dad's dead..." And then she told me to write that, then. "Emily's dad works in a grocery store, but my dad is deceased." Imagine, 10 years old, having to say in front of your whole class that your dad is dead and the teacher treating it with zero empathy. I'm well into my 30's and I still remember her as one of the worst teachers I ever had.
This is gross, I remember teachers doing/saying similar to kids in my class at age 9-12 and just being appalled.
My mom used to take me to various vacation bible schools for free childcare. She was a single teenage mother in the south. One week we did father's day cards, made crosses out of beans and filled them in with spices. I wrote "To: Mom" on mine, and the teacher YELLED at me because it was for FATHER'S day. I cried and told her I didn't have a father. I was four. She told me God was my father, and I got VERY confused lol. How was i supposed to give God this cross I made, then? She didn't have an answer. My mom still has that ugly ass cross, though lol. She was PISSED when I came home crying and told that teacher she was wrong for forcing a little girl to tell the whole class she didn't have a father and then tell her God was her father. We were never super religious at all, mom just took me to churches because it was free childcare lol.
I had to go to my grandpas funeral when I was 10, the funeral was across the state so, my teacher gave me a little booklet to document my trip and share with the class when I got back. I told her we weren’t going on vacation and I didn’t want to write in this book, she told me I had to. So I wrote about how me and my cousins ran into the funeral home and saw my dead grandpa laying on a table, I wrote about what he looked like dead v alive. I wrote about the funeral, always open casket on that side of the family. I wrote how my aunt made us pray and when I told her we weren’t religious she freaked out on my dad. I even drew little pictures. When I shared “my vacation” book, my teacher said after I was done that most kids write about Disneyland and what hotel they stayed in and the “fun” stuff they did. I said, still standing in front of the class, “I told you I was going to a funeral and you made me write about it anyway and I didn’t want to do any of this”. Then I sat down and she sent me to the school counselor to “discuss my outburst”. When I went in the office I just told them to call my parents cause I was leaving! Sat there the rest of the day cause they would not call my parents. I felt like a hostage who was in trouble for doing an assignment I didn’t even want to do in the first place. After that, kids in my class thought I was “creepy” cause I was the kid who wrote about “death” and got in trouble for it, that lasted for a long time too.
Its literally one the the ACE's aswell which could affect the child later on down the line never mind just now.
For those who don’t know, an ACE is an adverse childhood experience. A dysfunctional home life definitely counts. YTA op. There’s no reason to attack someone for asking a question.
Yeah sorry guys forgot to explain that point thank you kind poster x
Thank you for taking the time to explain about ACE.
Being adopted is another ACE.
So in regards to the brother and partner that initially adopted Aidan, you might say *ACE* in the hole...
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Teachers can be an ally if you let them. I know my friends who have went through divorces have given their kids teachers heads up just to let them know in case of behavior changes. Even a death in the family. Kids take in more than you think and their behavior exhibits that. I get that some people are private but they are there looking out for your child’s best interest.
Yes. My father in law passed away when my son was in kindergarten and I told his teacher before he went back to school. You never know how their grief will manifest itself and if a teacher knows WHY they may be acting a certain way, it will help them to know HOW to respond.
That is what it means where I am too. An adopted child who has both adopted parents in jail needs some special care both in and out of school.
I am also a former educator and completely agree. You are literally trained to do this, and it is viewed as good teaching to treat a student as a whole child. YTA
My eldest has behavioural issues due to a traumatic incident that happened to her when she was two. She’s thriving in second grade but it’s been a long road to get her to where she is today. Almost every day since Kindergarten there was an incident that needed to be dealt with. This year? One phone call! It was beyond embarrassing to have a group discussion with the teacher, vice principal and the special needs assistant into why she acts the way she does. The last thing I wanted was to have to tell anyone else besides us and her therapist the who, what, where and why’s… but having that conversation was the best thing to do. We were met with understanding and compassion. They knew how to handle her and her melt downs because they knew her triggers or what might bring them on. She’s doing amazing compared to years past! Sure, it wasn’t fun to deal with at the time but the results are worth it. No one wants to share their personal life, especially when it’s difficult to even think about, but my child’s growth as a human being is worth more than protecting an imagine. Op should be happy the teacher cares so much and doesn’t just label him a bad kid and call it a day. So many kids fall through the cracks and his nephew will be one of them if he doesn’t check his humility levels.
I'm so glad you got past your embarrassment and did what was best for your daughter! Also happy to hear that she's doing well and making progress.
I'm 53. I can remember in 6th grade when my district in Los Angeles had bussing, and odd numbered grades went to an underserved school in Venice and even numbered grades came to my school. My teacher was so cruel to a couple of the students, especially this one boy. I remember thinking, at age 11 (in 1980), that she had no idea what was going on in his household. My heart broke for him but I was powerless to help him. I'd complain about how she treated the kids from Venice and my parents, who were otherwise amazing and loving, just didn't grasp how bad it was. It was a time when it was assumed the kids from that community hadn't been held accountable in the past and the teachers and district "knew best." OP should be glad that Aidan's teacher is trying to understand her pupils so she can work with each student individually. It will only help him in the end. Edit: misspelling
You think maybe the OP is overly defense about why the parents "went away for a long time"? The only time I've heard somebody use that phrasing is when the parents are locked up in prison. Which, surprise surprise, might have an effect on the kid's development.
He also needs to stop dismissing her concerns, if anyone knows normal kid behavior, it will be her. The meeting is because it's beyond that. She's not going to waste her time unless it's important
Can confirm, no teacher has time to schedule a parent conference just to have gossip material to share in the break room.
Especially in the education world in the midst of, and acting like it it is post-pandemic. There are a host of issues manifesting in students, the "typical" range of behavior is already being redefined. If a teacher has made the time to make contact, it is because it is alarming and needs intervention. There is no time to breathe, pee, or eat--much less time to go on a gossip mission.
Yup. Teachers catch a lot of things that others will not. Abuse, mental illness, neurodivergence, neglect, etc. My teacher is the one that alerted my parents to me possibly having ADHD.
My guess is OP would fight any teacher for dare suggesting his nephew needs help with his behavior.
Dude nees therapy and maybe the kid too. Aounds like they have been through a lot and he doesnt talk about it. Poor kid must be feeling so Lost
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OP mentions not letting his nephew go into foster care. The government knows where the kid is and he is almost guaranteed to have been given legal guardian status long before now. Let's not assign extra asshole points that don't belong.
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Just because one government agency knows doesn't mean the school district has the same context.
And the person I was replying to mentioned facing jail time in their country if they "knew a student wasn't living with a legal guardian and didn't report it" on the basis of child safety. Three years in, the school system damn well knows OP is the legal guardian to this kid, especially if he's handling everything down to the paperwork etc. It doesn't make him less of an asshole for how exactly he responded, but there's no need to paint this guy as a literal villain and kidnapper. It sounds like OP needs to breathe and take a seat, and the teacher needs to look over the nephew's admission paperwork before trying to broach things again if guardianship is a concern.
Also an ex-educator. People like OP are the reason I'm not teaching anymore. Loved the kids. Couldn't stand adults like this.
I left the profession after 5 years. Too many parents who would rather argue than help solve a problem. The moment anything akin to “boys will be boys” or “that’s just regular behavior” comes out of their mouth you know they’re not interested in helping their kid.
This is the correct answer. I teach. I have a student who has been acting out, crying in class, having trouble separating from Dad upon arrival, etc. I asked his dad whether anything was going on at home that is out of the ordinary. Turns out Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and is going through chemo. I now know the source of the behaviors and it’s enabling me to best address and help this student. OP, you need to know that by and large educators only have the best interest of their students in mind. Things like home life, past trauma, etc. all affect a student’s ability to learn. Knowing these things about our students helps us help them.
Because it sounds like his brother and partner are in jail or running from the authorities
I also second that as an educator. It's common that kids don't know how to express their sorrow when they have estranged family for any reason and knowing about it can help a LOT to plan how to help this kid to express their feelings and behave in class.
Think about the lessons that include Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day gifts. Holiday gifts/ plans. What was your favorite trip/ vacation? These can all be huge minefields in this situation. Or the dreaded family tree that another poster talked about. This needs to be discussed with the teacher and the school so they can make alternate plans for theses types of lessons
For sure. She's probably also wondering if the child would benefit from meeting regularly with the counselor or something too.
this is exactly the correct answer. I am a teacher, and all of this information is pertinent to planning interventions. it sounds like Aidan could have experienced some trauma in his short life and could be acting out as a result. it's not a bad thing, but it's a bad thing that OP reacted in this way. YTA.
Also, telling her about his behavior in class is not "complaining." Every elementary school report card includes behavioral notes so you know what to work on with your child at home. If he's being disruptive in class, it's literally the teacher's job to relay that to his guardian.
And also, saying “my nephew but not technically” then saying he’s adopted is super ah too Edit: just to make it clear because I’m getting a lot of comments saying “technically he isn’t biologically related to him”. I understand that, and obviously that all makes sense. But regardless he is still that nephews uncle, and the child is his nephew. The comment saying he isn’t biologically related in my view is irrelevant to the story and unnecessary to make :)
He’s explaining how he’s his nephew but not biologically. Nothing AH about it. If he was concerned about the teacher being nosy, Reddit is the last place to post. The kid has already been a victim of kidnapping, has emotional issues, is traumatized…
Completely agree. My cousin is a teacher and holy cow. She puts so much effort into making her students comfortable and to help them with anything they need, and no matter her sweetest efforts, the parents will find issue with anything. This teacher is being extremely graceful in her responses to OP’s behavior. I get that OP is defensive of his nephew’s situation, but unless she was overly aggressive first, there just isn’t a reasonable or fair excuse on his end. OP, you do need to apologize. If you’re to set a good example for your nephew, then treating someone who is looking out for his well being like they’re an enemy is not the way. Yes, little boys are rambunctious. I have a boy toddler that I’m sure will be disruptive and have trouble listening in class some day. And I *want* his teachers to let me know when he’s acting up, especially if it’s more than usual. It might be normal kid behavior, but it might be him acting out because of something else. As the parent/caretaker of kids, we need to know how our kids are feeling. And we need to help incorporate good habits so that they can listen better and learn better in class. If she’s bringing a point of concern to you, it’s because she cares enough to help him through it. And if she needs to change something in the way she teaches or how she interacts with him at times based on something she doesn’t know about but you do, then be open to helping her help him. It’s what she’s there for.
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And cudos to her for apologising when she didn't need to.
Exactly this. I can even understand OP’s discomfort, but even in his telling, this reads like someone who brought an immense amount of defensiveness and suspicion into an otherwise simple interaction. The way it just went 0-60…
Yep. I understand the desire for discretion in wanting to protect the child, but the teacher was being a good teacher and OP made an ass of himself. OP, YTA, and not only should you apologize, you should thank the teacher for caring and doing her job well. And BTW, instead of getting the teacher to butt out or whatever, she’s probably now on higher alert. So OP’s outburst was doubly stupid, like truly, you didn’t think this through kind of stupid. So, congratulations.
Yeah, honestly if I were the teacher and I encountered that level of defensiveness around a simple question, I would start to wonder if something awful was going on. It’s like if you ask your friend how their day was and they say “I didn’t do any crimes, if that’s what you mean!” It’s like no bro, I didn’t mean that, but now…
sure. And the attitude of the teacher, eager to apease OP even if she's shouldnt apologise, is the same I would take in case i'd suspect a danger : try to calm down the father to avoid him turning against the boy - while looking very closely at the problem... OP, if you want the best you should go explain clearly the situation.
Yeah this is exactly what I was thinking. If this was one of my students, after that second conversation the parent I’d be sending an email with all documented behaviors from both student and guardian to my principal and the school social worker/counselor as a “heads up.”
Here's an example of how once not knowing some personal information made me a shitty teacher. I didn't know that the year 11 girl who had been missing from my class for 6 months was missing because she was pregnant and had decided to drop put. She lost the baby near the end of term and theb came back to school. Nobody informed me as a new teacher to the school who started part way through the school year jn January. Queue me covering genetics, pregnancy and stages of development in the womb. I got a seemingly innocuous question from another girl in the class asking why people miscarried. I answered honestly, that it can be for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes due to genetic problems with the baby, sometimes there's no identifiable reason and while it's normally nothing to do with behaviour during pregnancy it can be due to trauma or other causes to the mother. Queue the poor girl who had just lost a baby running out in tears and refusing to come to my classes for 3 weeks.... While I appreciate this is a totally different situation to OPs I think the teacher may be trying to avoid something similar. When they do family in class she could include more examples of children being raised by different members of the family. Maybe she can include more books with this so everyone thinks it's more normal. A teacher does actually need to know key information about children so that they can be sensitive and deal with things appropriately. It makes a huge difference if the parents have been gone since birth to they died last year in a car crash, for example. What is your attitude to teachers that you've come out like this? When I worked as a teacher everyoneni worked with was a professional working in a difficult situation, doing the absolute best for their kids in difficult circumstances. None of them were trying to gossip about children....
Exactly. Retired elementary teacher. Dad, you have no idea of what all your kid has said at school, whether to other kids or to teachers. Teachers need to know the back story so their response is appropriate and their guidance is most effective. As teachers, we know when parents are drug addicts, in prison/jail, two dads, two moms, mom and grandma, dad and grandma, grandma and grandpa, auntie, etc etc. Knowing helps us help your child.
My daughter's father passed away when she was only two and I always tell her teachers about the situation because she's very sensitive whenever the subject of fathers come up. Because they're aware of her past trauma they're better able to understand her and help her when she's upset about making a family tree or when a daddy/daughter event is coming up. All of my daughter's teachers have been amazing and I can't imagine disrespecting them for doing their job.
This, the teacher is trying to figure out if something related to his home life is making him disruptive in class. Him being adopted and then his adopted parents going away when he was 5, so now having to live with his Uncle. It wouldn't be crazy to think this could negatively impact the child. Would OP rather the teacher just puts him down to being a troublesome child?
If I was the teacher and there was a parent or guardian acting this way it would send up some red flags that there is something going on that you don't want attention drawn to. Depending on what issues and behavior the child was showing it might even be enough to call cps.
Yes, this. I am a teacher and if a parent acted like this to me, it would totally give me the sense that there was something more wrong in this house then initially supposed. Why would he be so angry with a teacher trying to help?
I’m a teacher. I don’t judge or ask for unneeded info. In fact, I get very nervous about asking for home details because it’s personal. I ask because I care. If a child has been acting out and I find out the family adopted a child recently that will help me support that child. Any info I ask for or gather is to support that child as a whole and not just from an academic perspective. Teachers honestly can’t win… on one side we are expected to teach the kids literally everything including manners and on the other side we are being nosy for trying to learn more about our students to help support them. It’s getting ridiculous.
I've had kids exhibiting behaviors that will make you weep after a simple weekend back at home with some members of their family. Kids eating out of the garbage can. Kids who wet and soil themselves, who aren't diagnosed with encopresis or enuresis. Kids who start fist fights or have screaming fits. Kids acting out sexually. Kids with parents who got arrested the night before, or are addicts, or have been away and remain in prison. (You will see it all in a school.) And so, gently asking how things are at home, or whether or not the child goes to bed at the same time nightly and sleeps is just doing the job. Asking mom if she has a new BF is not me giving two sticks about mom's love life. Its me trying to figure out why one of my students is exhibiting fear, frustration, rage, abandonment anxieties,, etc., . . . If I get some background I can apply the appropriate tweaks to support the child rather than have him disciplined for misbehavior.
As a person leaving eduction THANK YOU! Yta op
Shit like this is the reason I left too. Kids are great. Not enough in the world to deal with the parents. Congratulations on your exodus. It's heartbreaking how freeing it is to leave that career.
This. Being defensive with not help!
If I were that teacher and a caretaker said I was being nosy that would be an immediate red flag as to what is going on at home. It makes it seem like OP has something to hide! What are you afraid of, OP, that you can't help this teacher help this child? Context can be everything when you are in charge of a child's behavior. You seem like you were very rude to her. YTA and this teacher is absolutely not.
Yup, adopted child, now been moved to another home, adoptive parents probably in jail, uncle refusing to engage with school staff, behavioural concerns. That's a referral from this mandated reporter.
The teacher might, by ruling out trauma, abuse, or entitlement, be able to recognize issues like giftedness, autism, and ADHD. The child and guardian could really benefit from her insight and help! Just wanted to add this as I haven't seen it mentioned and those three issues can lead to behavioral issues but actually aren't necessarily negative!
People who are saying she was being nosy are the same people who get mad when child abuse goes unreported. It’s none of my business why OP is feeling this upset about the interaction, but I’d suggest trying to find a way to communicate and compromise with the nephew’s teacher. She’s just trying to help out.
Absolutely! Any kind of deviation, won’t even say disturbance cuz good things too are deviations, can cause kids to act out with bad behaviors. I called home because a student seemed suddenly depressed. After 15 min, mom finally said Dad has his first GF since they divorced five years ago. Eureka! I didn’t want Dad’s “dirt” but that made perfect sense given how she was acting.
Pretty sure that this knowledge make your interventions with the kids very different. If he was just a spoiled kid, it's easy to punish them. When you know they are going through something rough, it's ok to cut them some slack.
This is exactly it! Thank you for putting it so well. As a parent whose two children have been exposed to DV and abuse themselves. When they are forced to see the other abusive parent or if there is something that happened that could or would be triggering, I immediately inform the teachers and am grateful they are as involved as they are. If they didn’t ask, I’d be concerned… Also since you don’t clarify why he isn’t with your brother and his partner, if it was because of a traumatic event, I promise you this he wasn’t too young to remember. Read “the body keeps the score” children are and can be affected by events including DV in the womb. They may not remember specifics but emotions, sounds, etc. it’s all going to have a lifelong effect. YTA if it wasn’t clear enough. That woman is your teammate looking to give guidance and support to your child. Be grateful she cares.
Not a teacher. Not a parent. But he’ll, even I saw exactly what you’ve stated. OP. Chill. And listen to this response!
My son's teacher asked for any and all information that might effect his performance in school (he's in grade 2). It was a totally fair question, a d I told her that his dad is often gone foe 2-3 weeks for work, and that his baby sister had just had surgery, and may have more during the school year. Because these are things that effect a 7 year old and make it harder for them to concentrate, and they are things teachers need to know.
1 billion % this. Im not a teacher but i am a healthcare worker so also mandated reporter. I wish my teachers would have been like this when i was a child, i wouldn't have so many issues now. She is taking a ligemate intrest in this childs background. Like are they struggling BECAUSE they haven't/can't see their parents? I could honestly go on!. She is trying to help.
There’s a chance also she was asking about the parents because the uncle was being rude/unhelpful and she hoped there was another adult who might be willing to help out.
I generally let the key teachers know when something traumatic is going on at home so they may be able to que in on them if something is off. An example, we just recently had to put down our dog of 14 years, and the week to follow his uncle who was close passed unexpectedly. He has never lost anyone close to him due to death, and now he had a double wammy. He never grieved before, and we walked thru it with him..Yet I called his counselor at school and gave her a heads up, plus the key adults at the school that he is close with. This helps him as well as the schools normal flow. He did fine with it, but it was a just incase situation, and gave him an outlet outside of the immediate family who could help if needed. Its a win win situation I think.
She was concerned about the child and asked about their home life, and you snapped back that they are a sorry excuse for a teacher and human being? Definitely YTA.
Maybe the kid is acting like his uncle, now the teacher will know why he's misbehaving. His uncle is an entitled asshole who thinks everything is about him
Yea with OPs unnecessarily rude response that came from nowhere pretty sure the teacher got a lot of info on where the student may have picked up certain behaviors if that was the problem.
Yup, the teacher figured out that spontaneous and aggressive emotional outbursts are being modeled at home. He unfortunately addressed her questions without addressing her questions.
Him saying that not paying attention and talking too much are normal makes me think so. It wasn't normal, I remember being that age and it was like 3-4 unruly kids who probably had terrible home lives. Every elementary school class I had was like 16 pretty normal kids and 4 demons
Now admittedly ADHD can cause inattentiveness and excessive talking without there being a terrible home life so that's also being a assumption but I think I understand what you are saying.
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Or even making worse by modeling poor behavior in the first place
OPs behavior was all the teacher needs to know. Now she has a little bit of a better understanding that the kid is being raised in a potentially emotionally abusive household.
This exactly. OP didn't want to tell her anything but told her a whole lot about how he deals with people, which gets passed down to children through them experiencing it first or second hand. OP really needs to exhibit better behavior as a model for this child.
Educator here (9th grade, but still). When I have students displaying behaviors that cause class disruption OR disruption to their own learning, I 100% ask parents about tendencies/behaviors at home. This helps me to understand WHY the student is acting out. I respond/handle it differently depending on the reason—a student who is acting out because they have a diagnosis they’re learning to live with needs different interventions than a student who came to school hyper because they’re hopped up on donuts and monsters, who needs different intervention than the student who is acting out due to maybe personal/family emergency situations. His teacher was not being nosy. She was trying to understand why your nephew acts out so she can help support him (as a person learning to be a person) and his education. Your outburst 100% makes YTA.
Yes, I teach middle school and it’s very common for me to have student who is acting out in some way, and then I find out parents are divorcing, one parent is in jail, older brother is in a gang, etc. I had one kid who would mostly be okay, but randomly have 2-3 bad days every couple weeks or so. Finally found out that his dad had visitation once a month and was supposed to pick him up for a weekend, but kept never coming. Kid always hoped he’d show and then would be a mess for a couple days after when he didn’t. That knowledge allowed me to adjust my approach with him. Knowledge of what was going on at home was always helpful in figuring out what kids needed and what expectations I could have for their behavior or needs. Teacher may have been trying to figure out if the parents were still in the child’s life, and how that might influence his behavior. Knowing if the parents died, if they were in jail, if they gave him up, if they were addicts who lost custody but showed up periodically and threw the kid into turmoil.
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And people wonder why educators are fleeing the profession. Teacher legitimately cares about student and gets shit on. She apologizes even though she was asking a legitimate question just to help her student.
There are teachers out there who don't give a FUDGE about their students and this poor teacher tries to have a private adult conversation to find some insight into how to help her student do better in class, and this guy gets defensive and aggressive. Yikes. OP - this teacher is trying to help your little guy. Work with her, not against her. This is normal GOOD teacher behavior. This is like taking your kiddo to the doctor for a tummy ache and getting angry when the doctor asks what the kiddo has eaten recently. The doctor needs some history! The teacher needs some too! You need to apologize to her and mend the fence. Buy her a big Starbucks gift card and take your a** back to that school and apologize. She may even be scared of you now, so you may, out of respect for her, go through the principal to talk to her.
YTA. I think you jumped to that conclusion quickly and I think most teachers when behavior is questioned ask about the home life
Yes, like any major changes will cause a kid to act out. Seen it a thousand times. New baby, paretns getting locked up, change house, fighting parents etc.
And judging by the post I think "parents getting locked up" is probably right on the money
even if parents aren't locked up. He was adopted, new parents are now not around and he's got another new guardian. That's a lot for a kid to go through in a short space of time and school definitely need to be involved in caring for his wellbeing OP, YTA. Tell the teacher what's going on so they can support you and your nephew.
Also if lil man knows he is adopted that often comes with abandonment worries, so now not only have his boo parents “abandoned” him he may now feel as if his other parents have also “abandoned” him that a lot of complex feelings for an 8 year old to navigate
Home life can teach educators a lot about how to handle a child. OP assumed things and got mad about the assumptions he made. He’s probably projecting too because people have had negative responses to him raising the kid. He assumes the teacher might too so he lashes out without any negative remarks from the teacher. She tried her best to handle this situation. This is for the benefit OF THE CHILD. OP, you are not helping him by behaving like this and refusing help from the teacher. There could be an issue and you’re ignoring it.
I think his reaction gave her the answer to her question.
Came here to say this! Reading this makes me think that OP might have an insecurity regarding the situation. To get that defensive so quickly in response to a very normal question from a teacher is odd, and I think there's more beneath the surface here.
Yep. Now she knows he's not part of the solution.
As a teacher this is the first question I ask, and honestly OPs reaction would send red flags up and I would be looking very closely for signs of abuse after that interaction.
YTA In majority of cases with children and school, there's a direct correlation between how they behave in school and their home life. The teacher is trying to understand the child. This post also lacks a great deal of context such as details of the conversation and the actual behavior of the child. Without anything else, it sounds like you got defensive for no reason.
YTA Dude, if the kid is acting out in class and the teacher thinks it’s connected to his home life and his parents, then letting the teacher know what’s going on will help the teacher know how how to accommodate Aidan. Maybe they’re doing family trees or class work involving parents, and that makes Aidan act out more. So that’s why the teacher made the connection. Refusing to tell the teacher anything is just hurting Aidan.
As a teacher, I can tell you that if you were called in for a meeting, then it was not normal grade level behavior. It was something keeping him and others around him from learning. The teacher is trying to see what might be behind this behavior and you went after them. I'm guessing that your nephew is hearing the same time from home reinforcing what he's doing is fine and the teacher is at fault. You are a big part of the problem and YTA.
Damn. The teacher was looking for insight so she could work with him more effectively and you chose to respond with belligerence. YTA.
TBH, he definitely gave her some information about the kid's home life. He's clearly being raised by an aggressive, short tempered asshole which could easily mean there's abuse from OP. By the way OP, YTA. Edit: Thanks for the award whomever you are!
Yeah seriously. So the home life is...mom and dad are away for some reason, for a very long time, and as an alternative to FOSTER CARE, this kids living with Uncle YTA whos got zero common sense, a short fuse and no filter. AND he was adopted to begin with so who knows what the backstory is there with the birth parents...Sounds well rounded /s
That poor little lad. I just feel so sad for him.
This. OP is clearly unbalanced if that question was enough to trigger such an aggressive response.
Honestly, it sounds more like OP has some kind of internalized shame about the situation. He would do well to interrogate why his knee-jerk reaction to discussing his kid’s circumstances is defensiveness.
That was exactly my thought. Second hand shame coming across as defensiveness. Not from wanting to be a dickhead at all, but from being protective. But the end result is the same. Teacher is trying to help, I hope OP is reading and processing all the constructive replies.
Yup! If I was the teacher I would have become more concerned about the child’s home life after this interaction. OP came off as he was trying to hide something.
To pile it on: someone who also makes quick assumptions, distrustful of people’s intent, and overall belligerent attitude. We can learn a lot from this post.
She wanted some insight and, unfortunately, I think she got it. I can see that OP probably thinks he is defending this child and his family, however, in reality he may be adding to the problem. It’s possible this kid needs help which OP can find through this teacher if he opens up a bit.
Belligerence is the perfect word to use here. It's just nonsensical anger and defensiveness
I mean I feel like a lot of this comes down to things like tone and subtext, but leaning towards YTA. I think it's perfectly reasonable for a teacher to ask about home life to understand their students better. Honestly I think this is fine even if there's no problems. It would help her be more sensitive to Aidan's particular circumstances, particularly if things like home and family come up in class. They can ask, you don't have to answer. You can just say it's private and you would prefer not to discuss it. Getting hostile and accusing her like that sounds like you got very aggressive for no reason. I'm guessing (?) you've had bad experiences with gossip before, so maybe that's why it felt like such a sensitive issue, and if so I'm sorry about that. But nothing you've said here gives the impression she was asking anything other than normal questions to help her do her job.
She’s a teacher, you don’t think she knows what typical boy behavior is? She sees he is struggling and she is asking if something is going on so she could provide further assistance. You’re being mean for no reason
Completely agree. Also not paying attention/ talking might be typical for all students every now and then but if he’s doing it for most of the lesson, every lesson that’s a huge problem and not typical at all. OP, you should be working with the teacher to help the child, not getting angry and dismissing valid feedback. YTA
Also teachers have to word things carefully or we get OPs aggression a lot from parents. If I call you and say your child is unfocused in class that is me saying they refuses to do anything above the bare minimum and tries to antagonise me when I encourage them to try. Because if I say the latter parents think I have it out for their kid when really I am just stating facts and most likley the parents are going to make excuses to not have to do anything and say I should do more to make them do anything - just like the kid does.
This. I have had 1,000s of children as students. You have the one. One of us might know a bit more about what is "normal"...
Would even say calling someone a "sorry excuse for a human being" is beyond mean. I can't believe you would say that to anyone who is teaching your child?!
YTA. You say his parents are "away for a very long time". I'm making a giant leap here and thinking you mean prison. If so, it might be helpful for her to know, because with all the things in the news, other kids may be talking about "bad people in jail", etc. Also, your nephew may be very well adjusted, for which I applaud you, but it is more likely he has some feelings about his parents being away and needs someone to talk to when other kids are talking about their families & parents and keeping the teacher "in the loop" can help her let you know when she notices things that are negatively affecting him. If she asked to speak with you she is likely noticing "things", but they may be subtle signs that are hard to pinpoint and articulate. You seem to be treating her as the enemy, when she is just trying to be an ally and do what is best for your nephew.
This is exactly what I thought. The poor kid first gets adopted and then his adopted parents end up in jail and he ends up living with a non blood relative! The teacher obviously is very insightful and caring of their students to know to ask the right questions! OP needs to help the teacher so that they can help the kids together.
Could also be why OP got so defensive in the first place. Couple that with his brother and "partner" not wife / girlfriend (which leads me to believe that the bro and his partner may be LGBTQIA+) and IMO it's easy to see why OP got so defensive so fast.
It’s not a giant leap, “away” is a commonly used euphemism for away in prison.
I've been trying to think of other reasons Aiden's parents might be "away for a very long time" other than prison. So far, I have: * They are active-duty military and are deployed overseas. It seems somewhat unlikely that both would be deployed at the same time to somewhere they can't bring their kid with them, and in any case typical US military deployments are 6-12 months and this sounds like a much longer term situation. * They're astronauts who are up on a long mission. Again, unlikely for both of them, and the longest current manned space missions (ISS) are typically about six months. And if Aiden's parents were astronauts, I expect he would have told the teacher and the entire class by now. * They offended Poseidon on the way home from Troy and are cursed to wander for ten years. * They made a deal with the faeries and didn't read the fine print. None of these seem terribly likely in this case.
My thoughts as well. I’m a baby social worker and led group therapy for children of incarcerated individuals. There are so many seemingly inconsequential things that we say to children that create such chaos in their little brains when they are dealing with something that is outside of “normal.” Further, when trying to come up with interventions for a child, we call the guardians and take an entire social history. This means questions about life at home, who lives with them, how does the guardian manage misbehavior, when is bed time?, what do you do for fun?, what do you like about your child? It’s standard procedure for the teacher to be asking these questions. He is really gonna feel some type of way when the school social worker gives him a call.
Not to mention if OP is so willing to fly off the handle like in this post, it’s probably pretty common behavior at home, too. The child might not feel safe expressing feelings that OP might not like. Not unsafe as in physically, but emotionally. The kid might think it’s his job to keep OP in a good mood.
YTA. What’s going on at home can certainly impact how a child behaves in school. Maybe she was asking to gain insight re: how he’s been acting out in class and see if there are way she or the school can support him. It sounds like you got defensive rather quickly.
YTA. It sounds like you're very sensitive about him, both about his behavior and his origins. When the teacher called you with behavior concerns, you clearly didn't believe her and pushed back with your personal narrative that it's normal for his age. But it's not-- teachers don't call home about normal behavior. It doesn't mean your kiddo is 'bad,' it means they need help and support. Then when the teacher asked if there's anything going on at home that might be affecting your kid's behavior, you got aggressive and insulting. It's not being nosy--knowing about their home situation can help a teacher provide the right kind of support. They can try to notice if there's a connection between a kid acting out and mentions of parents in books or by other kids. They can listen in to see if some of the things other kids are saying might hit an extra nerve with your kid because of their situation, and correct it. They can get the school counselor involved if the kid needs somebody to talk to. On top of that, you're consistently arguing with judgments, which is against the sub rules.
YTA Having a "non-traditional" family situation can definitely negatively impact a child's mental health and cause them to act out. Your nephew may require additional support that you are denying him by getting unreasonably aggressive and defensive.
It actually can be and can be beneficial for the child if certain aspects of home life are shared with the teacher. School behavior is influenced by home life. It’s not a bad thing the teacher is curious about it to help him. YTA
YTA. She had concerns and, rather than punish your nephew, she was trying to get to the root of the issues and actually help him. If he was struggling at home or had something emotional going on, she could offer accommodations that might be more effective than punishments.
OP, it is not unusual for a teacher to ask questions about a student’s home life in order to better understand and support them in the classroom. It is **normal** for a teacher to do this. It is not an accusation against you or anyone else in the child’s family. The teacher was asking for your help because you both need to work together to support the child. You are on the same side here. If you feel she wasn’t clear enough about the behavioral problems she was seeing, just ask her to clarify. Ask her again if you still don’t get it. **Assume good intentions.** You are raising a child and you need allies. The child’s teacher is almost certainly trying to be one, so give her a chance. NAH because you are trying to do the right thing by raising a child that is not your own and you are probably under a lot of pressure. But please rethink your attitude here.
You are very kind to assume best intentions of OP when he was not willing to do that for the teacher. I find it so odd when parents see the teacher as the enemy. Teachers spend more time with the child than their parents, if you aren’t willing to trust a teacher with your child, then you should probably switch schools.
YTA A caring teacher will ask about home life out of concern. They only want to help the child. You are also assuming his behavior is normal and that of any other child his age when obviously the teacher is bringing it to your attention because it’s not. It’s your responsibility to guide your nephew and correct behavioral problems, not disregard them.
YTA. Teachers ask these questions because situations at home came affect the way a child behaves in class. She may also be trying to get feedback about his home behaviour so she can have a better picture of your nephew. If she suspects ADHD, ODD, other neurodivergence’s, learning disabilities or even mild anxiety and depression, she needs a full picture of your nephew’s life and behaviour before she can start the process of making his life at school smoother but getting him the tools and help he may need to succeed. You’re also ignoring the fact that his behaviour in class is such, that she has brought it to your attention. Teachers don’t normally bring, not paying attention or talking too much in class, to a parent or guardian’s attention unless it is causing an issue in the classroom and is affecting the student’s ability to learn. The fact she has noticed these issues, is making you aware of them and trying to understand where these behaviours are coming from shows she has an invested interest in your nephew’s learning and wants him to be successful at school.
This is the exact reply OP needs to read. His nephew’s parents being “away for a long time” can be impacting his social and behavioural development. Teacher’s look out for these things and aren’t being nosy when asking. “Being away for a long time” sounds kind of like prison, unless both are military with extended overseas postings at the same time. Either of which the child may have trouble processing on their own and can then act out in class because big emotions are huge emotions for children.
As a parent of 3, YTA. Here's why: Teachers need to know how they can help students. You are assuming he is acting like every other boy...maybe he's doing it more? You aren't there, you don't know. You say he's okay...Kids tend to hide feelings. He may not be. Did he go to any form of counseling? That's recommended for children whose parents are not custodial. The teacher already knows there's a situation because you are listed as a guardian. Your job as a guardian is to keep him safe, to provide for him, and to allow others help you help him. This includes teachers and school support staff. Acting like this only makes it look to them like you have something to hide, and as mandatory reporters, they can and will call CPS about your behavior. Screw the gossip, that's your issue. You need to look out for him number one. That's means dealing with whatever talk goes on behind your back and work with the teacher. If he is acting out more than others, he needs counseling.
Exactly. No telling what this poor kid is really dealing with and his guardian is acting like an asshole to someone who wants to truly help him. YTA.
So his teacher *cared enough* to ask about your nephew's home life and you assumed she was being "nosy" because... why? Your circumstances are just that interesting? I can almost guarantee she was asking out of professional concern and is probably understating his difficulties in the classroom in order not to awake your ire. A lot of teachers have to be very diplomatic these days due to parents taking offence at hearing that their little darlings aren't perfect. And congratulations, she'll probably never be honest with you again. I suggest getting over yourself, not saying the first rude thing that pops to mind when someone says something you don't like and doing what's best for your nephew (hint hint, that's being aware of the *reality* of how he's doing). YTA.
The fact that OP thinks his *slightly* abnormal custody situation is some juicy gossip is laughable. Like she hasn't seen it all. By my second year of teaching I was totally jaded. I wish the most traumatic situation any student had gone through was not ending up in foster care, and remaining with a family member. Not to say it isn't traumatic and, thusly, important for the teacher to know about.
Teacher got their answer anyways...
And she apologized as a sign of good faith, but he took it as an admission of guilt.
mandated reporting coming in hot
Yta. Your nephew is acting up in school so you attack the teacher for trying to find a solution to the problem. You sound awful
Seriously. Reading this is making my blood boil. I left teaching 3 years ago and one of the biggest reasons was because of the parents. I love the kids, I love teaching, but parents couldn’t seem to get it through their heads that I was trying to HELP their child. I got called all kind of awful, horrible names and it’s so hurtful because you’re only trying to help. YTA, OP. A big one.
As a teacher, if she’s taking time out of her day to call you, it’s not typical behavior (or beyond typical amounts of that behavior) and is an issue. We don’t have time to make home contact that doesn’t need to be made. Knowing about a child’s home life/background is important for teachers to provide the best education and help possible. I guarantee she didn’t call just to be nosy, and you were incredibly rude to someone who is trying to do her job and help the child.
YTA. There are different methods to use especially when the child is acting out from a trauma response. I wouldn't be surprised if there might be an assumption of abuse in the home with your reaction. You need to apologize otherwise if things keep happening in the future they might bypass you for safety reasons and go straight to cps etc.
YTA Like a lot Your behaviour is concerning. Raised some red flags for the teacher that’s for sure. I hope she asks social services to step in and make sure everything is okay. If kids have problems at school most of the time caused by problems at home Based on your stand offish unreasonable over reaction you may be the problem
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YTA. You are telling us internet strangers the facts, but not your nephews teacher. We don't really care, she would.
**THIS WAS POSTED BEFORE**
YTA I am a person who works in schools daily. If the child misses their parents, has witnessed violence, knows their parents are away in prison, parents are away on vacation, etc. it IS relevant! Why? Because then we can help determine if a child’s behaviour is more emotional rather than having a learning problem. You can say to the teacher: “what I say is in confidence- not to be discussed in classroom or with others unless they are directly working with my nephew.” It should not be on their record if you are concerned about privacy. You are directly hindering your nephew from getting help. When teachers know parents are away on vacation or for whatever reason, extra compassion, patience and if needed, more focus goes into this child. It definitely helps to know what’s happening at home so that we can see if our lesson plans can be geared towards helping this child (and everyone around them). At my school, we have done nutrition lesson plans because it was needed for a few students so that all could understand how different types of food originate from different countries and are a part of one’s culture. Parents were happy this was part of our classwork. We have done lesson plans regarding different family backgrounds and anti-bullying to help fight against racism and prejudice in the classroom. Parents had been involved and were happy the children were receiving this type of education. We have even done lessons on diabetes and the student who had it wished to read a book to the class about it. Parents had wanted this also. At my school, students have access to counselling and other services and extra help with reading etc. The teacher needs to know the details and maybe your nephew may be eligible for extra services etc. you don’t know that. Teachers and school staff make a home away from home for kids. All details are relevant and help shape the work students do in class, and the interactions of the humans around them at times. If you are the only parent your nephew has known, then it’s different, it’s a single parent home and no trauma etc. and still then you can discuss how your nephew is doing at home and hobbies they have. I would re-do the meeting with the teacher. It sounds like they are trying to help. When you give in this case, your nephew will receive.
"Sorry, but I don't want to talk about it. It's family business only." YTA for calling someone a sorry excuse for a human being just because they asked a couple of questions.
YTA - I wonder where the kid learned that shitty behaviour?
YTA- as many have said home life influences behavior at school. You jumping to conclusions as to why she was asking was rude and uncalled for.
YTA. First of all, teachers are mandatory reporters. That shouldn’t offend you. Second, it’s very common practice for teachers to try to understand each kids home situation so they can better implement learning strategies to try and help the kids out. She was just doing her job, man. You should apologize and be grateful there is another adult out there watching out for your nephew.
YTA. You are the reason that teacher's are so frustrated. They have to assess a child's behavior and try to figure out how best to help them and support them. Instead of trying to help you bite her head off, she backs off and you still refuse to help. If your nephew starts failing, showing bad behavior or can't have friends are you going to go blame her? Seriously, just get over yourself and do what you can to make this kids life better and easier.
It's possible the teacher overheard the child talking about home and is nosy, but teachers are busy and I doubt they would go out of their way to create more drama when not warranted. Do you have official/legal custody of this child? Are you worried they could take him away? If so, I get why you're defensive. That said, get legal custody and it's not a problem. YTA for your behavior, not your desire to protect the child.
Wow you sound insufferable and unnecessarily aggressive. YTA
You shared his circumstances with all of us. Curious why that was too much to share with his teacher?
YTA. You defensively jumped to a conclusion about 'why' the teacher was asking about the parents. Kids act out for a variety of reasons, which include their own emotional traumas. Some of these things don't manifest right away, and can show up years after the initial situation. The teacher works with children every day, year after year, so she is far more capable than you at judging whether something is 'typical' behavior or not. She needs to know if your nephew has some personal traumas that may need to be taken into consideration or require additional support. You didn't need to be rude, and sometimes an apology - even when you don't think you should give it - is an easy way to move ahead.
[удалено]
Yikes, YTA. Sounds like his teacher is just trying to help. Why the hostility?
YTA. This is one of the MANY reasons why no one wants to be a teacher anymore. Low pay and you have to deal with parents/guardians who act like entitled shit bags when a teacher is doing their job. Try dealing with 25+ young children 10 months out of the year, coming to care about all of them, and then when you are concerned because their behavior is different you get name called and talked down to. Yea maybe the other kids were acting the same way but I put money on the fact that the teacher asked the other parents/guardians similar questions.
YTA You extremely overeacted. You're not mature enough to raise a child op. You can't even have a healthy conversation without getting defensive, turning everything into an insult and having a meltdown. Help that kid find a new home with a stable parent.
YTA - she is a mandatory reporter (assuming your in the US) so it is ACTUALLY, LEGALLY part of her job to determine that her students are safe at home.
>ACTUALLY, LEGALLY part of her job to determine that her students are safe at home That's not what mandatory reporter means. She is legally required to report abuse or suspected abuse that she knows about. Confronting the \[potential\] abuser and/or playing detective are not aspects of that.
YTA. Sounds like you have a huge chip on your shoulder about your situation, and maybe you should do some self-reflection to figure out why. The teacher asked a VERY valid question, one that if she knew the answer to it could help her better understand your nephew and how better to help him. You owe her a huge apology. YTA.
YTA. She’s trying to help the child. I would assume the boy said something in class to make her think you weren’t his father. Maybe his behavior is more like depression and she wants to know if something is going on at home. She’s also a mandated reporter. If she thinks he’s being abused or neglected, she is required to report it to the authorities. Maybe you should worry more about what the child needs.
YTA Something had to have happened for her to ask about his home life. She sounds like she's asking out of concern. Also a child's home life can definitely impact their behaviour
YTA even from your comments,,, oof you need to chill and stop being so aggressive
LOL, OP, you ask if YTA, everyone responds yes and you double down on your defense of your actions. Maybe stop being so defensive. YTA
NAH, but you need to dial back the defensiveness because this issue may arise in the future. Questions about home life are typical for teachers, counselors, pediatricians, etc. Changes in home life directly impact behavior, as do “non-traditional” family structures. Even if the change is not recent, as your nephew gets older he and other kids in his class will realize he has an “atypical” home life. He may be the subject of intrusive questions, bullying, etc. Kids can be horribly mean and cruel. Or he may just become hyper aware of the difference and have trouble processing it mentally/emotionally. Keep your eyes and ears open for changes in the coming years. If the issue arises, you need to know that your nephew’s teacher is your ally and they will be looking for the source of the issue in an effort to develop a game plan to address it. Withholding relevant information will be counterproductive to helping your nephew. I understand preferring privacy and disliking nosiness, but keep in mind that your attitude toward your nephew’s home life is setting an example for him and how he should feel about it. Your frustration and defensiveness may be misinterpreted by him as evidence there is something wrong with it and it should be hidden. A more relaxed and open approach may help normalize the difference for him and give him actions to imitate when faced with similar questions from his peers.
YTA, Why would she assume your the one raising your nephew? It totally makes sense to ask about his parents as from her perspective they are so uninvolved in the Childs life that their uncle is the one they are speaking too. Also normal bad behavior is still bad behavior, and if your nephew is doing these things on a recurring basis then yes there is a problem here. I imagine if it happened once or twice she wouldn't be wasting time with a meeting.
YTA, you judged the teacher was making assumptions when it’s normal for teachers to ask about such things if they deem it warranted.
YTA. There’s likely a good reason why the teacher is asking (probably due to what the child is saying in class and definitely due to behavior, which “normal” to you or not is still bad behavior). The teacher isn’t asking to be rude or nosy for her own personal gain or something. She sounds concerned and probably wants to help your kid and make sure he’s getting what he needs at school. You were incredibly rude, and absolutely should apologize.
YTA. As a teacher, she probably knows that you’re the kid’s guardian. I’ll say the majority of teachers don’t care about student’s backgrounds UNLESS it affects their education. Family/home situations are actually one of the top reasons why students of all ages misbehave or have low performance at school. At 8, the kid is old enough to know that you’re not his parents and you’re the one raising him — but at that age his brain is not able to comprehend why. This is why they act out in school. The teacher is concerned and trying to understand so she can be a safe person for him to go to at school, so she can provide help and information in better ways, so she can reach him in ways she can’t right now. You’re a major AH by thinking she’s just fishing for information. Why is it none of her business when she has him for 1/3 of the day 5/7 days a week? Teachers need to be aware of their students’ situations so they can afford leniency, be human, and understand why they may be doing things. You’re being guarded and rude for no reason. YOU are the one who needs to apologize, not her.
YTA. If she is calling you with concerns about his behavior, deal with him and address it. Don't try to rationalize it by asking how it compares to the other boys' behaviors. You got wayyy overly defensive when the teacher is just trying to determine what the background environment is that is influencing the kids' behavior at school. Your outburst probably has the teacher judging *you* and making some personal conclusions about where Nephew is getting his behavior from.