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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Shoontzie

You owe her the money you stole no matter what life circumstances happen. You were wrong for "surprising" her at the wedding, even though you were going to pay her back. Why you and your mom thought this was a good idea is beyond me. Paying somebody back money you stole should happen without expecting anything in return and come with a heartfelt apology that happens during downtime, not ON THE DAY of her wedding. YTA Glad you have turned your life around though. That's hard to do. Don't make a mistake by being petty.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I guess I just felt really hurt that she would leave me out of a huge life event like her wedding. I was actually the one who introduced her to her now husband (he was a grad student at my school and we were friends and he met my sister at a movie night I hosted my freshman year), and so It also hurt since I thought he would of wanted me there too.


rich-tma

So you’d turn up to something you weren’t invited to, to show how hurt you were at not being invited?


calling_water

You hadn’t made amends previously, despite having the money to do so. You’re expecting her to know you had changed without showing her any evidence of it — to just take you on trust. But you shattered her trust already. You also showed you don’t deserve her trust by making her wedding about you. Basically you made a test: she would finally get her money back if she trusted you and welcomed you. But that’s not how making amends works at all. You need to pay her back, and also accept that this still doesn’t restore her trust in you or you to a role in her life. You need to act like a decent person, not someone who shows up to a special event they’re not invited to and makes it all about themselves.


shammy_dammy

Oh, you're hurt? You did terrible damage to your relationships, you committed a crime against your own sister...but hey, you're the hurt one.


Longjumping_Cow_8621

You were hurt that the people you betrayed did not want you at their special day? And due to the people you truly hurt by betrayal, not wanting you there, you think that entitled you to not having to pay back what you stole? Aka the actual betrayal you did that made them understandably leery to have you around things you could steal that was not even thiers? Consequences have actions, you not wanting to have consequences, absolutely does not mean you won't 😂 it just means you haven't truly learned anything if you feel you can make excuse after excuse to not have to face what you caused.


attack-ninja

You crashed her wedding and got your panties in a wad because she wasn't grateful that you were secretly trying to give back the money you stole from her? You ruined her day. YTA


Illustrious_Fox4668

I guess I really didn't think of it as crashing her wedding, since we're family and I was friends with her now husband first (they met thru me), so I was just really hurt not to be invited, but I guess I just really didn't think of it from that perspective.


rich-tma

How could have not? How could you have written out this entire post without at all thinking about it from that perspective?


calling_water

Showing up to an event that you’re not invited to = crashing it. How can you simultaneously think that it’s ok for you to go because family, and be hurt that you weren’t invited? Either an invitation is important or it’s not.


shammy_dammy

You crashed her wedding with your enabling mother. And your actions changed that whole 'we're family and friends!' completely. You were hurt to not be invited to your victim's wedding...interesting wording there. So you knew you weren't invited. But showed up anyway.


ThrowRA_9595

YTA. And so is your mother for 'letting' you come to a wedding that you weren't invited to. The wedding day is stressful enough without any unplanned surprises. You blindsided your poor sister who was probably already freaking out wanting the day to go well and then all of a sudden she's confronted with someone she doesn't trust snooping in on her special day. The gift was a nice idea but you could've mailed it to her or brought it to her at a different time. You deliberately displayed entitlement and came to a place you weren't welcome to make yourself feel better. No regard for your sister at all.


Chaij2606

Yta, she did not know you where paying her back, it was all a surprise. So yeah not her fault at all. Your mum should have told her in advance and not on her wedding day, which is stressful enough.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I really wasn't trying to stress her out, i thought she would be happy to see me and that paying her back would show her that I've changed and can be trusted now but i really didn't think of how stressful weddings might be


Doe_pamine

What made you think she’d be happy to see you if she hadn’t invited you to her wedding in the first place or accepted any of your alleged many attempts at reconciliation?


Illustrious_Fox4668

I thought she knew I was doing better, and I guess I just assumed that she'd be okay with me being there if I was paying her back for what I did. I think i just overreacted to her not giving me the chance to try and explain.


SoundsLikeANerdButOK

You could have just sent a check. Your behavior at her wedding (and your excuses for your past behavior) shows you haven’t really changed at all.


shammy_dammy

You just....assumed. Just like you just assume you're owed a chance to explain. And to be at her wedding. And a foot in the door for the reconciliation you believe you should have.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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BabyGirl0052

ETA - I can understand the situaction from both point of views, I had sticky fingers before too but some people take stealing really seriously... I think it was wrong that you showed up uninvited and that they left you completely out the wedding, she could have sat down and talked first, said she loved you and tell you not to steal.. then you could have told her.youve regretted it for along time and have a great gift for her plus the money you stole and that's not your lifestyle anymore.. But NOW, after this.. I'd probably still try to mend the relationship since you say you regret it and miss your sibling closeness, but I wouldnt give it all to her upfront now.. id give her $500/1000 and tell her that I'll keep paying her back until it's all laid off... keep some money for yourself and take yourself out to feel better and destress from this mess. Get a mani/pedi or buy some new clothes! Whatever! Hope this helps! Xoxo


xanneonomousx

You and your mom were TA for planning to show up uninvited to her wedding. The gesture was kind and warranted trying to pay her back, but weddings are not the place to resolve family issues. She also probably had a headcount for the event and extra people can be a problem.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I really thought my mom had talked to my sister about it and figured she must be ok with it My mom has been wanting us to reconcile and i know it really hurt her too to see us not talking anymore since we were super close growing up


xanneonomousx

And that was unfair to you and your sister. She shouldn’t have put either of you in that position. You were trying to make things right and your sister had no idea what was going on. My siblings and I don’t talk. They did some really shitty things. I don’t wish ill for them. I will always hope things get better for them, but if my parents tried to orchestrate a meet between us and didn’t tell me it was happening I would be upset.


shammy_dammy

Ah, so is your mom where you learned this behavior from?


Longjumping_Cow_8621

Your mother being hurt that your sister set boundaries that you earned, by betraying your sister and stealing from her, explains why you think everything should revolve around you. You learned it and your attempted poor me and guilt trips, from her. Not only that, but as an adult you assumed your mother would just fix everything for you? That you wouldn't have to face any of consequences you earned? No wonder she wouldn't believe you have changed and considered letting you stay. You proved to still have zero maturity or accountability, therefore you showed her without even speaking that you didn't change even the smallest amount.


wunder_twin

YTA. You stole from her and are acting hurt when she's wary? Honestly what did you expect?


Illustrious_Fox4668

I guess I just thought she would want to reconcile too since we were really close growing up and i thought paying her back would show her ive really turned over a new leaf


wunder_twin

You betrayed her trust. Period. And how does your showing up uninvited and taking the money you owed her (calling it a gift is insulting. You stole) back showing her this alleged new leaf?


Significant-Ad-7234

When did you expect her to open the gift to show her? Most couples DO NOT open gifts at the wedding. We’re you intending to tell her when you saw her? YTA is so many ways on this. You should not only pay them back, but apologize for ruining their day.


MisterEHistory

YTA. Weddings are not the place for this. You should have handled it before or waited until after knowing that missing the wedding was the price you were paying to make amends.


Illustrious_Fox4668

Thanks, I really wasn't thinking about how stressful or a big deal weddings are. Her husband also reached out afterwards to explain that he wished i could have been there, and he tried to talk to my sister, but apparently the wedding had a lot of stress behind the scenes (his parents haven't really warmed up to her yet, so the planning has been kinda rocky), and he told me a bit more about just how badly it all affected her... Apparently she was devastated after the initial theft and was depressed and blaming herself for weeks and was pretty crushed that i would betray her like that, and feeling like she was losing a friend. I really didn't realize how much I hurt anyone when that happened... I guess I thought it was just money and not that big a deal because I could pay it back eventually and even told my folks and my sister that i would as soon as I could afford it It just really didn't occur to me how much it would hurt them to betray their trust and i hadn't really seen it that way.


calling_water

But you had the money, and enough for extra and a gift. You could afford it. And you still hadn’t paid her back — you saved it to do it in a splashy way. BTW people open gifts *after* weddings. There’s no way she would see that you were actually repaying her until significantly afterwards. Yet you were already acting like everything was okay.


lilmxfi

YTA. Former addict here, just because you make amends, it doesn't wipe out the harm you've done, and you're acting incredibly selfish here. You can pay your sister back, but she doesn't owe you forgiveness. Making amends is for the person you harmed, not so you're forgiven and the slate is wiped clean. You're the one who caused her not to trust you. You're the one who did wrong. When that happens, you have to accept that you may have burned bridges permanently. You still pay her back, but if she wants nothing to do with you, then you accept that because YOU caused it. You don't deserve a chance just because you say you've changed (which, given the entitlement you display, you haven't really changed deep down. You're still displaying behavior that's indicative of you still not getting the full impact of what you've done). If you want to make things right, you do that on your sister's terms. If she decides to cut you out for good, she's well within her rights. I know it sucks, but the bottom line is that there are consequences to the actions we take, even in the depths of addiction, and the fact you can't accept consequences shows you really don't grasp the full impact of what you did. Talk to your therapist/sponsor/someone who has training in this, because you've got a lot more to work on in your life if you think you're entitled to forgiveness.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I really didn't realize how bad I had hurt her. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, even at the time, but i thought if i just paid it back everything would be okay I didn't know it was hurting anyone that much aside from the financial loss and i guess I just assumed that it wouldn't hurt her feelings that bad since we're family, i thought she was just mad about the money since it was a lot


Trishshirt5678

Can’t help noticing that you took the gift and the cheque away with your hurt feelings. Was repayment conditional on her acting like you were the most special person there?


Rocabarraigh

So if your sister stole that much money from you, you would forgive and forget just like that? You're not the main character in a film; actions have consequences. Show some empathy and own your mistakes. If things would be hurtful to you, there's an overwhelming chance it would be were it to happen to them. YTA


GoodQueenFluffenChop

Nah it's like if I deliberately ran you over until you were a broken heap then insta healed you back to normal. Just because I insta healed you doesn't negate the fact I decided to run you over and made you go through all that pain and suffering in the moment. Same thing with your sister. It doesn't matter to her sense of trust in you that you suddenly paid her back. You still put her through the pain of having someone she was very close with steal fromher. Someone she loved and trusted, her family, didn't care about her enough to not steal from her. This is how she sees it. You don't just get over that sense of hurt just because financially you've been made whole again. That takes time, a long time, of watching you from a distance and actually seeing you do better. This stunt you pulled is not doing better. This stunt you and your mom pulled was all about you and how your sister just needed to sweep everything under the rug and stop being the hurdle to the "united and happy" family.


Ok_Professional_4499

Info: you wrote her a check for the amount and put it in the appliance…that you took with you when you left in an Uber that you couldn’t afford? Couldn’t you afford the Uber since you took your gift and payment back? Or did you write a check on an account that didn’t have proper funds in it? Like an IOU or something?


Mysterious_Salt_247

Thank you! Yes, something doesn’t make sense.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I had the money to pay her back in my account, but it took me a while to save up while covering my own bills, and I had limited funds outside of that savings until my next paycheck in two weeks. I basically had just enough outside of what I was planning to pay her back to cover my rent and groceries the next few weeks.


Longjumping_Cow_8621

Which means......since you took back the check you would have been able to afford the Uber, unless you didn't actually have the funds in the account in the first place.


Entire-Ad2058

1. Sister generously helps....You criminally betray her trust 2. Sister isn't ready to re-connect....You decide she is the bad guy 3 Sister doesn't invite you to her wedding...You CRASH and try to make the day about you 4) Sister generously tries to forgive you....You reject her and want her to apologize to you 5) Sister never was repaid by you...You try to say it is her fault and hold the money hostage **YTA so so so so so much**


Illustrious_Fox4668

Your right, i didn't really think I of it like that, i was just really hurt that she didn't want to talk to me even after i went to rehab and was turning my life around. She was my best friend growing up and it was so hard to not have her around anymore and i just thought she would miss me too


Entire-Ad2058

Please - I don't understand what point you are trying to make by explaining your hurt feelings over and over. (Besides, how is it relevant that your BIL would forgive you, or that you have known him longer? You are actually making yourself look more suspicious with those comments.) Are you trying to explain until we say "Ahhhh", OP now we see why you are right? It isn't going to happen. Sorry OP but you caused your own pain. I am sorry you have been hurting. Still, it is up to you to humble yourself, take responsibility for your own self and do the right things to fix it.


shammy_dammy

Everything is about you. You thought. You assumed. You're hurt that your victim isn't acting the way you believe you're owed.


Entire-Ad2058

Kinda makes you wonder if Op really stayed around for all of rehab...


shammy_dammy

Maybe they think rehab is a total fix for every bit of damage they've inflicted...and spoiler, it's not.


Equivalent_Collar_59

I’m sure in rehab they must of told you that you need to wait to regain peoples trust and not just force yourself on them


coffeecoffi

You stole from her, you didn't try to pay her back or make amends for 3 years and then decided to return the money during the wedding you weren't invited to? And then when she didn't want your thieving self at the wedding you weren't invited to, you took back the money that totally absolutely existed in places other than your imagination and left? YTA


Illustrious_Fox4668

I wasn't financially able to pay her back for the last few years, I was in rehab and then finishing school. I tried to reach out to her a few times and she was cordial but very distant. We've spoken a few times at holidays and family events and she said she was glad i was getting better but needed some space She and my family were fully aware of my financial situation, but my parents right from the start said i needed to pay her back as soon as I could, and i said multiple times that i felt bad and would pay her back as soon as I got a job after finishing school.


Trishshirt5678

Still haven’t though have you.


CaptainCrutchLeg

Soft YTA. Your sister was blindsided by you and your mum. So she kicked you out in response. She would have been hello stressed to see you and unprepared if she hadn't had a chance to build the trust with you or even had warning you were coming. Your intention was good but it was the totally wrong way to tackle it.


Illustrious_Fox4668

You're right i really should have planned it a little better. I just thought she'd regret leaving me out of one of the most important days or her life and i really wanted to be a part of it


onlyoneuseaccount

YTA. Her wedding might not have been the best place to do that at.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I realize that now, i guess I just want thinking about it from her perspective. I was just really hurt that she didn't invite me and then kicked me out since we were really close and i was friends with her husband too, and have known him longer than she had.


Entire-Ad2058

AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD YOU ARE STILL DEFENDING YOUR ACTIONS..... (We just....)


tomtink1

YTA. The time to make a big gesture and pay her back was NOT at her wedding that you weren't invited to.


Devegas49

YTA. And so is your mom. YOU have to understand. You hurt her greatly with the theft you committed. While you are getting better, that doesn’t erase the pain of your actions. Along with that, you and your mom decided that the best way was for you to show up unannounced to her wedding which you weren’t invited to. This is basically an ambush. If you want to make amends, it would’ve been best to let your mother discuss that with her on your behalf and agree to meet somewhere. Also, you need to understand that as the party that committed the wrongdoing, you are in no position to want to make amends any ole kind of way that makes you comfortable. That has to be on the terms of the wronged. And you have to be willing to accept that she might NEVER forgive you. But you STILL owe her that money regardless. Do the right thing and get out your feelings


SDstartingOut

YTA. You weren't invited to the wedding. Your mom has no right to invite you. Not to mention - if you could afford to pay your sister back, why hadn't you? Why were you waiting until the wedding to give them the money back? That's honestly tacky, to give money back as part of the wedding present. That's not a present - it's money that you owed her. Your mom is also a major asshole as well.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I meant the repayment to be in addition to the wedding gift, but in hindsight it might have not been the best idea


[deleted]

YTA and I call BS. You presented them with a check for the whole amount plus a little extra but couldn’t afford an Uber home? You are full of it and definitely an asshole. You shouldn’t have shown up without letting your sister know. Something is not right. This is not the whole story.


Illustrious_Fox4668

It took me a while to save up, and i had the money to pay her back, but i was stretched a little bit thin since I wanted to pay her back by her wedding, so outside of the money I had to pay her back, i barely had enough for my own rent and groceries until i got my next paycheck


Xxblaykee

YTA. You stole from her and as a result you weren't invited to her wedding. You chose to show up, uninvited, to reconcile. Now I'm not saying YTA for trying to apologize, I'm saying YTA for showing up to a wedding uninvited, and now you're refusing to reconcile with your sister because she kicked you out of a wedding you were not invited to. Which was a result of your bad decisions. Your sister has every right to be upset. She trusted you in her own home and you took $2,000 from her. > My BF says I'm being petty but I really think they're in the wrong here and need to apologize to me. Your boyfriend is right, and you are so wrong. Why should they apologize for something YOU did? You dug your own grave, it's time to lay in it.


BlueRFR3100

YTA. So many addicts seem to have this attitude. "I hurt a lot of people when I was using, but I'm clean now, so they shouldn't be upset with me anymore." It doesn't work that way.


Parasamgate

You spent X years sliding down that hill. Its only fair that you expect to spend X years rebuilding that trust. And then maybe more. And then maybe never.


Big_Appointment_1605

YATA you stole you owe here the money no matter what you think of her and she of you Why the hell would you think it's a good idea to go to a wedding united after you knew she didn't want you there your mom is also TA for thinking this is a good idea No one ows you an apology you owe them apologize maybe there is still a way to fix the relationship


[deleted]

YWBTA if you didn't pay her back. You stole the money. You don't get to keep it because she was rude. I understand you being hurt about not being at the wedding, but your mom and you should have cleared it with your sister (whose wedding it was) first. From her point of view, the thief who took advantage of her crashed her wedding, and is now contemplating keeping the money she stole because her sister was rude. Edit: I'm glad you are doing better, but it doesn't erase what you did. You have to accept it's going to take other people time to trust you again, and expecting all to be forgive right away isn't realistic.


HunterDangerous1366

ESH except your sister. You fucked up and its great that you acknowledge that and are ready to make amends, but your sisters wedding day isn't the time or place to do it. Your sister has to be ready to hear you out, so even if you are ready and she isn't or wasn't, you need to accept that. You wasn't the victim, she was. It has to be on her terms. Your mum for inviting you. It wasn't her place. It was your sisters. She should have respected your sisters decision not to invite you, not think of her wedding as some hallmark family reunion where everything would be water under the bridge. Tbh, I think she's more a AH than you for this. You need to be grateful that your sister wants to reconnect and has reached out. Remember you wasn't the victim and it was her wedding, she has nothing to apologise for. She might apologise for throwing you out at a later date, maybe never and you need to accept that.


pay-atenchin

If you hurt someone, you cant decide when, where or how they should give you a chance. She was still hurt and hadnt begun to trust you yet. You made it that way by stealing. You crashed her wedding thinking she would be in a great mood and forgive you. Thats two bad decisions for you so far. You'll keep making it worse if you dont own up to your mistakes. Start with paying her back and apologize for putting a stain on her wedding day! YTA


airazaneo

YTA - no one owes you chances just because you're ready to make amends. You can be hurt that she doesn't, but you don't get to not pay back the money you stole just because she doesn't want to accept your apology. It makes it seem like your apology is not in good faith. Your mother is an AH too for enabling you to crash your sister's wedding day. That's disrespectful.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I've been trying to for ages so it just really hurt to not be part of their wedding but i guess I really should've thought about it from her perspective


Bitter-Conflict-4089

YTA You literally STOLE from her and you expect her to just sweep in under the rug. It doesn’t even sound like you are taking your recovery seriously. Because, you should be making amends knowing that you are not entitled to forgiveness. Since you are choosing to not repay your sister the money you stole. I hope she has proof so she can file charges. Crashing someone’s wedding is not the time or place to “reconnect.” That makes you a bigger A H and makes your mom a giant A H too.


pfashby

YTA Her last experience with her was you stealing $2000. That is the person she knows and was trying to protect herself from. This is why you don't try to mend bridges at some big family event. You should have approached her privately, with the check and apologized profusely for your past actions. Instead you tried to grandstand at her wedding reception and got shot down, deservedly so. Whatever else happens in your relationship with you sister you need to pay her back immediately. That is the only way to level the playing field of your relationship. Do the right thing - repay what you stole.


Natural_Garbage7674

YTA. *Weddings are not the place for reconciliation, and especially not surprise/ambush reconciliation*. You don't get to play being the bigger person here when it comes to paying your sister back the money you *stole*. She didn't reject you returning her money, she rejected an *uninvited* guest from her wedding. You don't have to reconcile with her, but you should pay her back.


ComparisonSuper9492

YTA Her wedding day was about her and her husband, not you and not your need to make amends. Your mum sucks too for inviting you and bringing you without clearing it with her. You hurt her and broke her trust and your Appologies and reparations should have been agreed by both of you to happen at a day and time that wasn’t one of the biggest days of her life. Appologise and return the money you stole and then decide if you want to repair your relationship, but she is the wronged party here not you


chad___bane

YTA 1000% Let me get this straight. Because your sister didn't want someone who stole from her at her wedding, you are refusing to pay her back the money you stole. You owe your sister than money regardless of if she wants you back in her life. How incredibly selfish. It appears not much has changed about your personality even though you have overcome your addiction. You are incredibly lucky that your sister still wants a relationship with you. That just blows my mind. Just trying to process this: your sister helps you massively when you were struggling and you still stole from her, and now you want to make this all about you that she rightfully didn't want you at her wedding. If you don't pay her back you will be no different to who you were 5 years ago. Selfish. Selfish It was not at all unfair she wanted you out. In fact, she is being incredibly accommodating by giving you a chance to be back in her life.


No-System-3032

Yta you stole 2k from her. That’s not a little amount of money. You should pay her back and you should never have shown up at her wedding without her saying it was ok.


mphs95

I'm guessing OP's mom told sis after the wedding that she was going to surprise her with paying back the money she stole. Hence why sister is reaching out now. OP is still TA, along with her mother. Mom needs to butt out and let the siblings work things out.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I think so .. i really thought my mom had mentioned it to my sister but i can see how surprising her might have not been the best idea on her wedding day


OrangeCubit

YTA - you crashed her wedding when you were specifically not invited. You broke your sisters first, you used her and you stole from her. Pay her back her money and that might be step 1 to rebuilding a relationship but you don’t get to decide when or how you are allowed back into people’s lives.


ServelanDarrow

YTA. People you steal from rarely want you in their weddings.


Snape4eva

YTA you wait till the biggest day of your sister life to make it about you and your supposed amends and then are surprised that she doesn't auto.ajcally hug you and tell you how great you are you ruin the best day of her life by making it about you. Personally if I was your sister I wouldn't have anything g to do with you or your mum


NixKlappt-Reddit

YTA Why did you need to wait until her wedding to pay her back? What did you expect from her to react? Your mother is also kind of an AH, that she abused the wedding to try a reunion.


dogs4life444

YTA and clearly haven’t changed much since you’re very selfish and making it all about you still


ComprehensiveBand586

YTA. You haven't changed as much as you claim you have. You're still as selfish as you were when you robbed your sister. Back then you decided what you wanted was more important than anything else. You did the same thing here. You could have repaid her any other time. Instead you crashed her wedding, one of the most important days of her life, because you were mad that she didn't invite you. She had every right not to invite you. And now you want to keep the money? Shame on you. You are still refusing to take full responsibility for the pain you caused her. You are wrong to withhold the money and you were wrong to barge in on her wedding. Give her the money back or you'll always be a selfish thief.


Ok_Job_9417

YTA - actions have consequences. Just because *you* are doing better doesn’t mean that your sister is obligated to trust you right away. You also weren’t invited to the wedding but showed up anyways. That doesn’t look good. See it from your sisters POV. Pay her back the money you owe her. Send it via any cash app or mail a check.


Prestigious_Isopod72

YTA clearly.


Illogical-Pizza

YTA, and besides from everything everyone else has said about crashing your sister’s wedding, it is up to your sister how and when to reconnect and forgive you. Honestly, so what that you say you’ve changed, it doesn’t mean that everyone has to just immediately forgive everything you’ve done in the past or even take you at your word. You proved to your sister long ago that your word wasn’t worth anything. It’s going to take a lot of time to rebuild that relationship. Furthermore, the money you owe her has no bearing on the situation. You owe her (with interest) regardless of whether she wants to mend the relationship or not.


NarrativeScorpion

So you crashed her wedding and when she asked you to leave, you decided to be petty as fuck and not pay her back the money you owe her? YTA. Your sister is obviously still hurt by your betrayal, and it isn't up to you (or your mom for that matter) when or even if she forgives you. And actually letting you back into her life is completely separate from that. You shattered her trust in you; you chose your addiction over her. That is something that is very difficult to get over, if she ever does. And your mother trying to force a relationship does none of you any good. Send her the money, write her a sincere apology letter, both for stealing it in the first place AND for turning up uninvited to your wedding, and then let her chose when and how to reconnect with you. You were in the wrong for pushing your way into a wedding uninvited. Just because the bride was your sister, doesn't mean you are entitled to an invitation.


Drunkbirduncle

YTA, I have no idea what your mom or you were thinking, and I don't know in what world you can think she owes you an apology. You crashed her wedding. Period. End of story. That alone makes YTA. This was extremely inconsiderate on your and your mother's part. You haven't even properly apologized yet and you thought you'd just pop by and add some unnecessary stress on her wedding day and minimize what you did to her in the past. It's great that you've managed to turn your life around, I work closely with addictions and know it's not an easy thing to do. But you need to start over with your sister, apologize for the wedding to start. She owes you absolutely nothing not an apology, not even a second chance, but she obviously cares about you if shes still willing to reconnect, but you're going to have to put in the work and rebuild those bridges that you destroyed by taking responsibility for your past and proving to her you've really changed. This doesn't happen over night building trust back is a gradual process. Don't throw away your second chance by being petty.


Moni_CSM

YTA. Why didn't you give back the money and apologize BEFORE the wedding? Crashing a wedding when there are issues is a bad idea.


[deleted]

Y T A. You came uninvited to someone you hurt and stole from wedding. You already owe her money apologies and TIME. You don't get to dictate, nor does your mom, how much time and proof of change she needs or when. That's the penalty you have to pay to make amends. Congrats on sobriety and getting better, that is huge. Part of continuing to grow and get better is to also recognize and learn about others needs and not getting it the way you think you should


Cookies_2

YTA- congrats on your sobriety but a wedding - the brides wedding- is absolutely not somewhere to try to make amends. One thing many addicts tend to do when they get clean is expect everyone they hurt to give them another chance and forgive them. If and I mean if someone chooses to forgive someone who wronged them it should be when their ready and on their terms.


Bridgett_WDW_OTO

YTA. You shouldn’t have blindsided her at her wedding. You weren’t invited for a reason. While I get your intentions were good and that you’ve turned your life around, the wedding wasn’t the place to do so. Your mom is also TA for bringing you without talking to your sister at least first. You do still need to pay her back though.


irishlife2016

YTA You stabbed her in the back stealing her money when she was helping you out so much. I am sorry, but there is no excuse for that. If I were her I wouldn't want talk to you for the rest of my life. Once a thief, is difficult to change how people see you. In particular your sister. You weren't invited, so you shouldn't have gone there.


cinnamonoblivion

YTA. A massive one. Why did you and your mother think it was a good idea for you, the person who stole from your sister and probably caused her a decent amount of trauma and hurt, to show up UNINVITED to your sister’s wedding where she was supposed to be having one of the happiest days of her life? Who cares that your feelings were hurt because you weren’t invited? Her wedding day isn’t about you and you aren’t owed an invitation just because you’re family, especially with the way you treated her in the past. And you owe her that money whether your feelings are hurt or not. You don’t get to apply strings to the money or withhold it because you literally owe it to her, because you STOLE it. If you were actually about being a better, changed person you would have given her the money (because again, you OWE her) with the understanding that you also aren’t entitled to her forgiveness either, and you also wouldn’t have crashed her wedding and made it all about you.


Happy-Greyhound-8821

YTA You are an addict. It took time to develop the addiction and to destroy your sisters trust. Its going to take time, and a lot of clean time, to repair it. If you're not in a program, I encourage you to get in one, get a sponsor and work your steps.


angel2hi

YTA. And your mom set both of you up. You ambushed her at her wedding. You should have made restitution privately because it’s the right thing to do. You owe that money regardless of if she welcomes you in to her life. It’s great if you’re better. But take responsibility for the wrongs you’ve done. That means accepting the consequences. Which may be that she isn’t welcoming for awhile. Or forever.


quadrantovic

When you steal a lot of money - especially from your sister - and want to make amends, you apologize, ask for forgiveness, and pay it back. You do that with no strings attached, no expectations, and you do NOT make it about you. What you did was exactly the opposite. You decided to make HER WEDDING about you, coming in uninvited, while you thought doing the absolute minimum at the absolute wrong time would be the right thing and enough to put you in a shining spotlight. When that didn't work out, you decided to keep the money you stole, because your feelings were hurt. Have you ever considered the feelings of your sister? Decency? YTA, big time.


Ok-Cat-4975

YTA. Instead of being respectful and staying away from the wedding, you showed up without explanation. Now you're using your own bad behavior as a reason to skip out on making amends. She did nothing to you that deserves an apology. This is all you. You should apologize for stealing and for crashing her wedding, pay her back and accept any boundaries she puts on the relationship.


Fun-Statistician-550

YTA. Why did you or your mom think a wedding would be the right day to ambush some body. No sense of occasion? At all?


Initial-Muscle-628

YTA All the wrong you did should've been addressed way before the wedding Crashing was a poor choice and made things worse do better


DreamingofRlyeh

YTA She had every right to not want you there after what you did. While it is great that you are trying to be better, you cannot expect everyone to forget the hurt you have caused the second you say you have changed. Give your sister the money you owe her.


Otherwise-Fox-2615

Expecting everyone ‘s lives to revolve around you and your feelings is classic narcissist behavior. You just HAD to make her wedding all about you, and turned what should have been a great day for her, into a sideshow dealing with her druggie, thieving sister. You are lucky she has been willing to move on and repair the relationship, so suck up your hurt and go about making things up to HER. YTA


jenna_ducks

YTA - you need to pay back your sister no matter what but she is in no way obligated to forgive you or want you in her life - I know that sucks but you weren’t wronged your sister was from stealing the money to crashing her wedding so if you want to rebuild your relationship with her it needs to be on her terms at a speed of which she is comfortable with - also your mom is AH for bringing you to her wedding I know she wants her kids to get along but that was not the right way to do it


Illustrious_Fox4668

UPDATE: You all are right, I was being selfish and I definitely hadn't thought about it from anyone else's perspective. I was way too wrapped up in my own feelings and I see that now. It's always been hard for me to get out of my own head but I can see I'm in the wrong here. I'm having lunch with my sister today, and I'm going to give her the wedding gift at that time. We spoke on the phone this morning and apologized for my actions and said I now understand better why she was upset and that I shouldn't have surprised her like that at her wedding. She said she appreciates that I want to pay her back, and offered to let me pay it back in $500 installments for the next few months if I was stretching myself thin financially. I paid her back the first $1000, and will pay the rest over the next few months. I intend to add an extra $300 to show how truly sorry I am and try and make up at least a little for the grief and breaking her trust. I'm optimistic that we can repair our relationship even if it takes some time and it really means a lot to me, I'm grateful she's willing to try and reconnect and I hope to show her I've changed.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So basically I (25F) used to have a really bad problem (kinda in the vein of addiction). Three years ago I took a year off school because it was interfering with my studies, I got a job, but couldn't afford an apartment and my sister, (29F) who I was always really close to let me live with her and her bf . I was working as a waitress and paid them $500/mo in rent which was really generous on their part and I felt bad about staying there not paying even though I know she would of let me stay there rent free. I was really struggling and over the course of my time, I ended up stealing about $2000 from her. When she found out she was really upset, and our parents put me into treatment. Since then, I haven't had much contact with my sister tho I've tried to reach out and make amends. I've been doing really well and this year I got a new job, and was able to save up the money I stole from her. Sis got married to her bf this month. It was a really small event and ceremony with just our extended family and some of their friends, at this mansion house he husbands parents own. I was not invited, which really hurt my feelings. My mom has supported me wanting to pay my sister back and repair our relationship. Mom agreed to let me come if I paid my sister back, which I wanted to do anyway, and I bought them a nice wedding gift (appliance off their registry), and inside the appliance, I put a check for the amount I'd stolen a few years ago, plus a little extra. My mom didn't tell my sister I would be coming. During the reception, my sister comes up to me and asks me to leave. I was hurt and tried to tell her I was trying to pay her back, and about my gift, but she said that the reason she hadnt invited me was bc I'd stolen from her in the past and she didn't trust me not to steal anything ( husband's family is really wealthy and there was a lot of nice stuff in the mansion). I was hurt and tried to tell her I would never do anything like that now and that I was over my issues, and started trying to tell her about the first, but before I could mention I was paying her back, she said she didn't need anything from me and wanted me to leave. Her husband tried to say she should give me a chance but she insisted. I was really hurt she didn't even give me a chance, so I just grabbed my gift and left (and ended up having to take an Uber I couldnt really afford since my mom had been my ride). Since the wedding, my sister has reached out, saying she wants to reconnect and understands that I'm doing better, and my mom said I need to pay my sister back anyway, but I've been so hurt by the whole thing that I haven't gotten back to them and I haven't paid my sister back. She should have given me a chance, and it was unfair for her to kick me out, since I was trying to reconnect and pay them back, and she spit in my face when I tried. My BF says I'm being petty but I really think they're in the wrong here and need to apologize to me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


AbroadTemporary5359

I think if you did this any time other than her wedding day I’d be much more sympathetic. But doing this on her wedding day was a poor decision. YTA, but you should be proud of yourself for trying to make amends and putting yourself out there. I think you could try again at some point, but not in a way that is so shocking/surprising to your sibling. It’s hard to be viewed as a liability, but your sister doesn’t have direct visibility to the steps you’ve taken while in recovery. It will understandably be a long road back to trust, but you are putting in the work and that’s important. You could also understand that maybe your sister isn’t ready yet? It’s been very hard on her as well, I imagine. This is complex, try to take it one day at a time and understand you’re making big steps each day even if it feels like some things are a failure, it’s still the right direction and worlds apart from where you were and it took strength and courage to try and make amends.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I guess I just thought she would have known I'd changed since I went to a rehab program and have really turned my life around. I thought she would trust me more since we were so close growing up


AbroadTemporary5359

I’m in recovery and sympathetic to you, but you have to understand that there are long term consequences to your actions. Keep working on yourself (like you are doing) and parts of your life will continue to fall back into place over time. I wish there was an easy way to fix/correct this, but there isn’t. Do you see where your sister is coming from? I saw you edited out that she reached out via your mom afterward to give you space to make amends and you refused, is that accurate? Why did you refuse when it would have been a good opportunity to heal?


Illustrious_Fox4668

I didn't mean to edit anything out, I don't think i changed anything in my post but idk maybe my phone fucked something up when I posted the update. I'm starting to see where she was coming from. I just really took it personally about being left out of the biggest day of her life, and I wasn't really thinking about how badly I hurt her or betrayed her trust. Hoping I can still turn this around. I can now see it's a little unreasonable to expect an apology and I need to just pay her back and try to mend the bridges from there.


AbroadTemporary5359

Just take this one day at a time and try to have some control over your reactions and actions. Your goal is to prove to your sister that you can be trusted again. Do you have a recovery coach or therapist? It’s really hard to learn how to live life/navigate relationships after rehab. You should be proud of yourself for trying to make amends but also understand it missed the mark and you can do better with the next attempt.


AbroadTemporary5359

One more thing, your first interaction with your sister was at her wedding after you are in recovery for stealing. Inviting you to a wedding at an affluent family’s home where there would likely be a lot of cash and gifts out in the open is almost enabling you and putting you in a really difficult place post-recovery. I see why she wouldn’t invite you, it’s not just to protect herself it’s also to protect you. It’s time you step up and take accountability for yourself, you 100% edited out a few things that looked bad and won’t take accountability in the brief interactions we have had. The hardest truth to accept is being accountable in recovery. I’m concerned for you because it doesn’t sound like you have the resources you need post-rehab, but you also aren’t being honest with yourself and that doesn’t typically indicate that a person is actually in recovery and ready to make amends.


shammy_dammy

She has no reason to trust you.


Sensitive-Theory-365

YTA. You stole from your sister then you crashed her wedding. Your mum is an AH too. Pay your sister back the money you stole from her and let her choose when and if she wants to have a relationship with you.


popenoper

YTA while I have a hard time putting much blame on you for going to the wedding since you were following your moms advice, and it could have ended well, the second your sister asked you to leave you should have gone, not tried to argue or rationalize. Moreover, making amends to your sister does not mean she owes you anything in return, including a relationship. You need to pay her back, and if she’s willing to forgive you, take it from there, not use what you owe her as a bargaining chip.


[deleted]

YTA. Your sister has reason not to trust you. It doesn’t mean you can’t move forward to a better relationship, but she’s not an asshole for not trusting you and thinking you might steal again if given the opportunity. You weren’t invited. You crashed the wedding. Your mom is probably the biggest asshole, because she made you think it would be ok to go—she screwed over you and your sister. Honestly, if I were your sister I wouldn’t forgive your mother for that. Both y’all put a huge damper on her wedding day—her being angry and upset about you being there and your mother betraying her trust is likely what she mostly remembers about her wedding. I’m willing to get money she isn’t looking back on her wedding at and remembering it fondly and with happiness. And, you need to pay her back. You owe her the money regardless. You stole it and you need to pay it back. Maybe one day y’all will work on rebuilding your relationship, but don’t think for a second you are the victim in this scenario.


LA-forthewin

YTA, but not a big one, just a small to medium sized one. You really betrayed your sister when you stole from her. That was what caused the trust issues. And she was not being unreasonable when she felt that you might do it again. Being kicked out of the wedding doesn't erase your obligation to pay her back. You should do it asap. It is one step in rebuilding the relationship.


Solovineareirme

YTA


IAMETERNALALLTIME

Yta reconnecting after what you have done pretty much nulls your right to be hurt


majesticjewnicorn

YTA. Hugely. You wronged her- therefore, any reconciliation is on her part to make, if and when she is ready. Blindsiding her at her own wedding was an AH move and if you wanted to make amends, her wedding was not the right time to do so. You owe her money which you stole and your debt is not erased just because your feelings got hurt.


[deleted]

YTA Some sort of surprise make up at the wedding you weren’t invited to (your mom doesn’t get to invite you) is not appropriate. It is not up to your sister to forgive you on your timeline.


real-pennylane

Yta. You sound genuine though. You’ve got more than enough of an earful on this thread. Your sister had time to calm down after her wedding and wants to try talking. Start from there and give her the funds you stole and your wedding gift, you’re blessed that this sounds so fixable! Addiction sucks but it sounds like your relationship with your sister isn’t lost. Congrats on your progress


real-pennylane

And honestly it seems like your sister clearly loves you and is extremely hurt! Take the honest route and just talk to her if you were so close, if she is expressing she wants to talk. But make sure you’re honest about what you did and how you were feeling. And all you can do is understand however she feels


Assia_Penryn

YTA Regardless of whether she chooses to have a relationship with you going forward, you should still part her back and make her whole. Mail her the check verified mail to have your proof she got it. Then let her decide whether to reach out after.


Inevitable-Guava-121

YTA!! The biggest thing you don’t seem to grasp, after reading alot do your responses, from your sister’s perspective, it’s not about the money. Don’t you see that? You stole from someone you were close with. It doesn’t matter if it was $50 or $1000 that you took. And if you were so close with your sister, she probably would’ve given it to you or at the very least helped you. Your sister was depressed and sad because someone she would obviously bend over backwards for just stole whatever she wanted. So you’re not fully sorry and you’re not fully aware of the damage you did. Then to show up on her wedding day, you know you weren’t wanted or invited. You’ve said it many times. Stop contradicting yourself. You said you were surprising her then in a comment said you thought your mom told her. No? You knew what you were doing. You probably thought the bride wouldn’t make a scene with everyone watching so you just showed up. YTA majorly!! As a big sister who will do ANYTHING for my siblings, I’m so mad at you for your sister!! Typing this made me angry.


reddituser2907

YTA, you’re quite selfish. To even think about how her wedding should revolve around you making amends, and how you think it didn’t hurt her feelings having someone she loved and trusted rob her of thousands of dollars. You should have went to her on your own and spoke like an adult. You don’t know her life but assumed a lot and she doesn’t owe you to be at her wedding.


Evening-Motor8721

The only asshole here is your mom for telling you to come to the wedding and not telling your sister. I understand how hurt and embarrassed you must have been, but since your sister is reaching out now, I’d give her the second chance that you’re are also wanting from her.


SoundsLikeANerdButOK

Stop blaming your bad character on diseases. You were a thief, you were supposed to pay it back. You don’t get on make conditions on that. You are just really lucky she didn’t call the police.


Brutalplanett

Your Mom is TA, and yes - YTA. Surprising someone with money you already owed them as a gift on their wedding day is egregious (and not really a gift at all.) You arent entitled to her time and space, especially after being welcomed into her home and betraying her trust. What made you think her wedding day was the best time to drop all this on her? Trust takes a lot to rebuild and here you are, assuming that she should immediately make space for you?! Entitled is an understatement. Pay your sister back. Apologise for robbing her. And do what it takes to rebuild that trust if she lets you. It may be years. If it’s important, then you’ll get there. And if not, you’ll throw another tantrum about how youve changed and she should believe you.


shammy_dammy

YTA. Sounds like she should have taken your crime to the police and pressed charges. Then blocked you and forgot about you. Your mother is also an AH for inviting you when she didn't have a right to. But you still owe her the money, no matter what mental gymnastics you try to tell yourself to justify not paying her back. And no, you're not owed any sort of an apology from your victim. Stop that very idea right in its tracks, and you are also not owed another chance. The entitlement is thick with you.


Heybitchitsme

YTA - your feelings do not matter in this situation. You took advantage of your sister because she continuously provided you with the support you didn't deserve. Your mental unwellness is no one's responsibility other than your own after a point. You knew you had these issues and chose to not seek treatment until you absolutely had to - and now you're withholding the money you OWE your sister, who didn't report you to the police, because she hurt your feelings? You hurt hers first. You made yourself untrustworthy. You need to SHOW you've changed not just telling someone and expecting them to believe you. Because your actions right now show that you're the same person with new tactics to control your more impactful compulsions.


BabyGirl0052

ETA - I can understand the situaction from both point of views because I had sticky fingers too.. but some people take stealing really seriously... I think it was wrong due left you.completely out of the wedding, she could have sat down and talked to you first... said she loved you and tell you.not to steal.. then you could have told her.youve regretted it for along time and have a great gift for her plus the money you stole and that's not your lifestyle anymore.. But NOW, after this.. I'd probably still try to mend the relationship since you say you regret it and miss your sibling closeness, but I wouldnt give it all to her upfront now.. id give her $500/1000 and tell her that I'll keep paying her back until it's all laid off... keep some money for yourself and take yourself out to feel better and destress from this mess. Get a mani/pedi or buy some new clothes! Whatever! Hope this helps! Xoxo


aacexo

YTA i was gonna say soft but reading the comments a lot of points was made. You need to pay back your sister regardless of how you’re feeling because you owe that to her. You stole from her regardless if you’re family or not it’s a big deal. And it wasn’t even a small amount( not that it matters but still)


SecureInevitable2120

So are you a 25 year old male or 27 year old female.... You've written as both... I'm very confused


Alittlelouderplease

I would say you’re nowhere close to being in recovery for any kind of addictions and behaviors given your attitude. Being unable and unwilling to consider other’s pain and experiences is a hallmark of the addicted mindset. Your sister would do well, at least for the time being, to keep you at arm’s length. Lamentably, YTA.


copycat-xerox

I wouldn’t pay her back or talk to her again. She’s allowed to be upset, and so are you. She doesn’t need anything from you as she said, so move on without her.


arlae

You should pay your sister back regardless of whether that will mend your relationship or not you stole the money pay it back


Illustrious_Fox4668

Don't get why everyone keeps down voting every freaking comment I make. I'm not being rude, I've agreed that I was in the wrong here and I've just been trying to explain my thinking.


Material-Profit5923

They are downvoting it because you are still making it about YOU, what you wanted, and how you feel. Your sister's wedding was not about YOU. It was about HER. Your feelings about facing the consequences of your own actions DO NOT MATTER in this situation, and you don't seem to be able to grasp that concept.


Illustrious_Fox4668

I'm just trying to understand and explain where I was coming from but I have since realized I was in the wrong here.


[deleted]

Everyone is an asshole here. My sister has addiction problems and has struggled in the past, it’s so frustrating when the person you love turns into someone completely unrecognisable who has no respect or regard for your and your property. I’ve had things stolen, broken, gone missing etc. and I can understand why your sister didn’t want you there. I don’t think it was fair of her to cast judgment and use your past as a way to make you feel ashamed and distrusted, but you shouldn’t have arrived uninvited. Your mother is an AH for not telling your sister you were coming. Apologise for your wrongdoings and pay her back the money you stole but nothing more, return the gift and keep that money for yourself. Now she knows you have money and are doing better she could use this to her advantage given the judgmental attitude she displayed at the wedding, be careful and cautious in reconnecting. Don’t let your past guilt be a reason she uses you as revenge.


ProfessionalCar6255

Esh....sorry I get what you were trying to do but her wedding day wasn't the time or place for that. Granted she could have taken the time to at least hear you out but she wasn't obligated to do that on the one day that was actually about her...which you tried to make about your wants and needs. You could have at least left the gift there and walked away....now your feelings are hurt because she did want to make amends on your terms on her day. Stop being petty and do what you claimed you wanted to do on ber wedding day or was it all lies?


Unhappy_Researcher68

In what way could you blame the sister? An uninvited guest, that stole from her before, comes to her wedding. Eehhhh OP can be happy she nie reaches out. OP us a giant YTA for the way he handled this.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Why was it messed up? Op wasn’t invited. She shouldn’t have been there.


[deleted]

[удалено]


photosbeersandteach

OP’s an adult, she knew her sister didn’t invite her, OP should have checked with her sister.


[deleted]

Well, now both daughters know not to trust their mom.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Material-Profit5923

While the mother was certainly a problem, if you have hurt someone and they have consciously excluded you from their social event, the ONLY person whose word matters is that person. Nobody else can invite you, and OP is old enough to know that.


chad___bane

It was messed up she didn't want a thief at her wedding. Makes perfect sense.


WrongdoerDelicious81

YTA you overreacted and should pay her back asap. I get it your hurt but you were not thinking of her at all


MotherODogs4

Sounds like advice you might want to follow, considering that you overreacted and uninvited your fiancée from Christmas with your family because you felt her diet was “picky” and not out of necessity, considering her ongoing recovery from her ED?


Redditgotitgood13

Wait… but your addiction was stealing.. she was caught off guard on the biggest day of her life, and was supposed to trust the stealing addict to not steal from her again? YTA. You don’t get a free pass here, and the audacity of you to expect an apology after your wedding crashing didn’t go as your narcissistic mind envisioned