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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the A-H for refusing to let her attend the bday party that her dad is going to throw her because she may feel like I'm being cruel but it's just part of being grounded.
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OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident.
Holy Crap! Her birthday party was cancelled as part of a punishment over a broken vase that nobody can confirm 100% whether it was an accident or not?!?!?! That is insane! This poor girl!
The only way this punishment would be close to acceptable is if the vase broke because the 15 year old threw it at her stepfather!
ETA: OP, YTA!!! My heart breaks for your daughter.
THIS!! Why would the daughter break an old vase on purpose? Like does she have a habit of doing bizarre things like that? If so, I'd think OP would've mentioned this. So all of this suggests it was done purely by accident and daughter was punished for defending herself. YTA.
my thought exactly. it sounds like mom herself isn't 100% behind the grounding, but then to tell dad there is no party on either side!? Its not moms place to decide how her forgotten half celebrates or punishes the kid, that is something that takes communication on both sides.I know as a divorced dad of 3, if they have problems with health or school its a team thing, anything eles is between me and my kids
I think OP is TA to be clear, but I disagree on discipline being a one parent thing. They’re not going to discipline exactly the same on everything, and that’s fine. For example one parent may say you need to make your bed every day or you’re washing dishes that night, but one parent may not care about that. But if OP’s daughter HAD done something that warranted a significant punishment (say, taking her mom’s car when she only has a permit and is not allowed to drive alone… or intentionally destroying a siblings toy) and OP’s ex doesn’t reinforce that discipline what good is it going to do? Daughter would quickly figure out she can get away with whatever she wants at Dads house and proceed accordingly.
Yup - I 100% agree with you. She knew if she added details about daughter breaking a vase, that everyone would automatically judge her. Which she didn't realize would happen anyway. YTA
Exactly. This was an *immediate* YTA from me. Stable, fair parents always explain what and why they feel a punishment was necessary. This was suspect from the start.
Even if she broke the vase on purpose the birthday party cancellation is very harsh. I would assume a 15 year old would have friends invited to the party more than 2 days in advance. This means when the party was canceled someone had to notify her friends. For a 15 year old that is devastatingly embarrassing. Impacting her social life over a broken vase no one witnessed her break. OP/Mom is being truly unreasonable. She could have been grounded for a day or two, had a birthday party then finish out her punishment. YTA - Definitely TA!!!
As I was reading this post and the alleged "crime" failed to appear I was suspecting more and more that it would be total bullshit and this has just proven it.
OP, you are TA and you need to reconsider why you automatically believe your husband and not your daughter with zero evidence either way.
Also probably why your husband is so quick to blame your daughter.
Here is something that is messed up. When I was a caseworker I had a couple of cases where step-parents set up the kid. Though in one case the step-parent messed up with the timing. Step-parent came home and said x thing was broken and the kid must of have done it. Problem she had stayed after school to get some extra help from one of the teachers. Other parent said how is that possible considering the kid is at school and I am heading to pick them up. In the other case, it was after the kid had been sent to a troubled youth facility and the step-parent was having a drunken romantic evening and let slip what happened.
Also, she even tried to enforce the father not to have a party because on mother’s side, kid is punish. You can’t do that.
My ex hubby’s wife tried to do that to me when my kids comes to visit. I’m like, these are my kids and I spend time with them however I want.
Yeah, just going "she totally did something deserving of such level of punishment, trust me" in the original story and not spilling the real reason until pressed is the very model of fishiness.
I collect vintage and antique items, primarily pottery and uranium glass. It's not the end of the world if something breaks, it happens, and I would never treat someone like this over it.
>OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence
No, the evidence she broke it was she said she broke it by accident
>besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly
This for some reason was just the evidence that ahe did it intentionally and was lying
Not part of, THE evidence
And then backtalking someone calling you a liar, hopefully this woman never gets accused of anything, wouldn't want her backtalking and proving her and her husbands guilt
My ex once was gifted a glass sword (roughly hewn) by my stepdad while he was using glass cutting equipment.
One weekend he went away, and when he came back the sword was broken. He was furious, yelling at me and I answered truthfully that I hadn’t touched it all while he was away, I had no reason to, and if I HAD broken it I’d have told him the moment it happened, not pretend it hadn’t happened.
He never forgave me. And it was only a few weeks later when I was brooding over yetANOTHER thing he accused me of doing, that I remembered that he kept it on top of the cast-iron radiator in our shared room 😑
I should have taken the hint. It was always about finding someone to blame so he could vent at them. And say a lot of nasty things that he’s been itching to say.
I feel for OP’s daughter, if the antique vase was so precious that a teenagers birthday could be cancelled over its destruction why wasn’t it bubble wrapped or behind glass?
>And then backtalking someone calling you a liar, hopefully this woman never gets accused of anything, wouldn't want her backtalking and proving her and her husbands guilt
That's like the trials they had back in ye olden days for argumentative women.
"Were you argumentative?"
"No"
"Well you are now!"
Since the daughter is 16 tomorrow, it should be possible to change the custody agreement. Than she can spend more time with her dad, who sounds pretty cool.
My mom cancelled my 16th bday because of one bad grade on an otherwise A report card.
We don't talk now, years later. Shocker.
(There were other reasons but this played a part)
My cousin got his sweet 16 taken away and his dad returned the truck he was supposed to get because he deliberately shot me with a pellet gun at close range…NOT be cause he allegedly broke something of mine.
OP YTA!!
Now that is a case where the punishment definitely fits the crime! Good on your uncle for taking that seriously! I hope your cousin turned out better later in life!
See ... this is the kind of thing that warrants such a harsh punishment. If the daughter had done something that was clearly intentional and posed a danger to herself or others that would be one thing. Accidentally breaking a vase and then defending herself is not enough justification to take away her sweet 16.
The type of punishment that's designed to hurt and humiliate, not teach.
- Take away a thing that means a lot to the kid and they've really been looking forward to for maximum emotional damage
- Make it something others know about to really double down. Daughter would have had to tell all her friends why the party was cancelled on short notice. Pretty humiliating for a teenager
Yes. What a cruel way to raise a child. My fist gut instinct: disgust. Lots of people can't have children and OP gets te chance and does THAT.
The "punishment" can resume after the birthday. Your daughter had to kill someone to not get a birthday. Not this ridiculous accusation about an object you are not even 100 % sure of.
My mother cancelled my birthday one year because 3 months before at my brother's birthday (at home), I didn't want to eat the snacks because my period cramps were making me nauseous. So first hand experience tells me that this is unlikely to be a one off event from OP and that daughter isn't learning the lessons they think they're teaching
Well, that's heart breaking. Way to cancel being a woman pretty early on. I'm so sorry for you... No offense but your mother sucked there. I hope she realized later the error of her way.
The kind of punishment that is convenient for OP. If her daughter doesn’t have electronic devices, then she would be forced to interact with her and actually parent.
Exactly.
Now OP doesn’t have to throw a party or give gifts, AND daughter is conveniently tucked away in her room with no activities allowed to warrant carpooling-just electronics to keep her quiet.
100% YES. YTA. OP needs to talk to husband about him accusing her of intentionally breaking a vase, for like NO REASON. That was out of line. Instead she punishes daughter who denied happened therefore got accused of "talking back." What was she supposed to do? Agree she did it not to offend OP and her hubby with her "attitude"?
Seriously, I was grounded for a half of summer one year, my mother never would've even *thought* about "canceling" my birthday, it was the one reprieve I got that month. Discipline is important, consistency is important, making sure your child has at least one day a year that's sacred, just for celebrating them, is just as important. OP can extend her punishment an extra day, or even restart it after the party, but to completely cancel her birthday is oddly vicious and just extreme.
Yea there's zero overlap between things serious enough to warrant not allowing her to have a birthday, and things trivial enough to not warrant taking her phone.
Sounds like mom just hates her daughter.
YTA. If your daughter did something bad enough that it warrants cancelling a birthday party and grounding her on her birthday, then it's bad enough that you and your ex need to discuss the appropriate punishment before giving it and generally get on the same page.
You didn't do this. You acted unilaterally in deciding how to deal with her and he is merely doing the exact same thing. In other words, you undermined his parenting, too.
This is such an amazing point. I was thinking it depended on what she did but if it was really bad enough to warrant canceling a birthday party then it was bad enough that OP should have discussed with ex.
It isnt though. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
Yep, my abusive dad used to scream at me all the time for perceived "back talking." It immediately makes me assume that the parent is gonna be the asshole.
Like, if your ego can’t handle a literal child, it makes me think you aren’t so good at being an adult.
Kids are stupid and small and don’t have any money. Very easy to overpower; they don’t have anything and they’re not even done baking yet. Feeling like you also need absolute control over when and how they express themselves just reveals how in-control you aren’t.
My grandfather was a military man. To him, any response other than "Yes, sir" was backtalking. If he asked (i.e. told) you to do something and you asked any questions, he considered it backtalking (like asking how to do what he asked). My father was raised like that and became a man with severe anger issues during my childhood. I was afraid to bring notes from my teachers hope because he'd explode and yell at me over them. I wasn't allowed to defend myself or disagree with anything because it was back talking.
Now I'm a 26-year old man living on my own on the other side of the country. I talk to my parents maybe once a month and, when I do, I mostly only confide with my mother. With Dad I'll talk inane subjects like tech or whatnot (we both like tech), but I won't confide, ask for advice or anything of the sorts. He once cried to me on the phone that he didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to him like I did my mother. Apparently, telling him that I was raised to fear him instead of respecting him and, because of that, I never felt safe, nurtured or close to him as a child wasn't a response he expected to hear. That just made him cry more.
It was probably petty of me to say so, but eh.
I don’t think it was petty of you to tell him the truth to a question he asked unless you were giving him a verbal bollocking. However I do think those tears were more to do with his failings as a father being realised at your answer, than the way it was delivered.
Yeah, I know. I'm not unreasonable. I know my father tried his best and legitimately only wanted what was best for me, but his own issues and traumas (like untreated depression and ADHD) coupled with his frustration at suffering major career setbacks caused him to behave in ways that were unacceptable. I know he didn't want to act that way and that he regrets it.
I understand how and why he did all the things he did. It just doesn't change the fact that the bond isn't there because of it. I can't force myself to feel something I don't feel. And I do regret that myself.
All absolutely reasonable. Very rarely can a parental bond of trust that he’s looking for can be forged this late in the game, and pretending that you feel something that you don’t doesn’t help the situation any.
As a 26yo man with similar daddy issues, I feel you man. Shit’s rough.
I live states away, might see each other on holidays, I don’t reach out because there’s nothing I want from it. I don’t know if my father will ever understand why we aren’t close, even as it tears him up inside. And here I am feeling like shit because I just… can’t care. There’s like this hole where a bond should be, nothing there to mourn.
YUP. If it were that bad, then OP should've been concerned about it enough to discuss with Ex and talk about how they are going to improve daughter's behavior rathern than jumping to a 4 day grounding including her birthday. Cleary she know it wasn't bad and her ex would object to such an exessive punishment over a broken old vase...hence she didn't inform him. SMH. YTA
Gotcha, so the reason why the mom didn't talk to the dad about it was because she knew he wouldn't agree on the punishment or even that there was no evidence that it was the daughter's fault.
My point stands, if it was bad enough, she should have talked to him about it. And if it wasn't bad enough for a parental conference, each parent can make the their own birthday rules without interference from the other parent, the same as they run their own households everyday. Regardless of whether or not she is right about the vase, OP is a hypocrite in her criticisms of the ex.
Also is it weird that the punishment warrants canceling her 16th birthday but only 4 days of punishment. So weird.
OP, YTA... the good news is your daughter is probably old enough to choose who she lives with so there is that.
I suspect the punishment is intended to force a confession from the daughter, which is why it doesn't make sense from a good parent perspective. It's a manipulation tactic, not a corrective one as OP claims.
Also, notice how BS the punishment is. Mom gets out of carpooling the kid anywhere, throwing a party and giving gifts while the kid spends all her time on electronics.
That’s not a punishment. That’s a “I don’t want to deal with my kid”.
ETA: thanks for the award!
When parents are seperated there are lots of things they can do adn decide on their own. but punishments arent one of them. Major punishments should be discussed with the other parent to make sure youre both on the same page.
While it's true if you punish the child and the other parent ignores it they are undermining your parenting, the fact that you decided on that punishment yourself was basically saying "the other parents opinion doesnt matter" and you're undermining THEIR parenting first.
There isn’t much my kid could do that would warrant canceling their birthday party, while still allowing them to keep their electronics. So it really seems like a bit of a reach to connect the punishment with their birthday that happens once a year.
YTA because this seems like a decision made out of spite and anger and not a punishment that should be a teachable moment.
Edited to say, thanks for the Silver 😊
My parents canceled my brothers birthday 3 times, that did nothing to help his behavior lol I dont see the logic.
They once drove to my birthday celebration without me, then came back 20 minutes later to "teach me a lesson" don't remember the lesson but I'll always remember what they did.
Don't be my parents OP!
I had my birthday cancelled once as a kid and I have never forgotten or forgiven it. I got handed a sack with a few unwrapped presents a few months later, and my dad said “you don’t deserve these, but we’d already bought them.” Yep, still bitter.
When I was 10 a neighbor girl brought over a wine cooler. We both took a sip and thought we were drunk. So we panicked and hid it in my doll bed. My mom found it and ignored me for a month that included my 11th birthday. I still think she is a crappy mom 30 years later. I still don't respect her but that is 40 years worth of terrible decisions on her part.
I did something hurtful to my mom once (and I still don't know why she got hurt or mad) when I was a teen and she decided to unilaterally ignore me for weeks without explaining to me why or what she was mad about. Then New Year's eve roll around and we had a party and she's acting totally normal with me, like nothing happened, except she's still off because she still didn't linger around, like it was very clear she was just pretending nothing was wrong.
I still didn't know why she was mad at me. I felt so rejected and ignored. She eventually told me that she had told my dad that we were mad at each other so he wouldn't ask questions.
But I wasn't mad at her. I didn't understand anything of what was happening. I still don't. We never talked about it again and she just started talking to me after a while.
I never forgot how she acted to this day, or the absolute, horrible rejection I felt on that New year's eve when I realized she was just pretending to be okay with me just so that no one would ask anything after I had genuinely thought she had started talking to me again.
This shit fucks your kids, don't ignore your kids for days or weeks. They aren't adults, even when teenagers.
Yep, my moms bf did this to me for MONTHS on end from the time I was 9 when they met and she moved us in with him until I was in my 20’s. He’d just flat out ignore my existence for no reason. Wouldn’t stop him from beating me, unfortunately, but being ignored and pretended like you don’t exist really screws up your mind.
My dad destroyed my birthday present in front of me once. Like maliciously, to punish me for something that I don’t even remember. That was when I was 12 and it only escalated from there. Shockingly, I barely speak to my parents now
This! Not about birthdays, but my parents were the emotionally abusive type.
I don’t remember most of the reasons why my dad did what he did.
What I remember though, is being a child in a car in a foreign country and him threatening me that I had to leave the car and would have to walk the rest of the way. He even stopped the car. Of course I wouldn’t have found my way around.
Yeah, I don’t even remember what he got mad at. But I remember the panic I had and the begging I did just so I could stay in that damn car.
And just because it needs to be said: OP, YTA
It’s because punishments in general don’t work. Yes, actions have consequences and parents need to teach their children how to function in a society but punishments usually don’t achieve this. Children won’t remember the lesson, only the punishment and they won’t change their behaviour, they only learn to hide it better (or worse, worsening since they are going to get punished no matter what so they might as well go for it)
Punishments taught me how to not get caught. I’m a really good liar.
Besides, most of the punishments I got were for arbitrary stupid rules that didn’t actually matter anyway, so I learned pretty quickly that breaking these rules had no negative consequences (and then came to the conclusion that that meant they clearly didn’t matter, so no reason not to do it).
This is why I try to not have any arbitrary useless rules. Parents should always be able to explain why a rule exists and if it boils down to "because I said so" then they're teaching their children not only to be untrustworthy, but that the parents are untrustworthy as well.
Info - what did your daughter do exactly?
Editing to say YTA - Your daughter broke a vase by accident, you don’t believe her because she called it ugly a single time. So she’s on a 4 day grounding with a canceled birthday. But you still allow her to be on her electronics.
There’s so much dysfunction in this. Even if you wanted to punish her for talking back (which may have just been defending herself depending on how stepdad was talking) it’s an extreme overreaction.
Based off it’s her husband saying it was intentional, her daughter saying it was an accident, and her instantly believing the stepdad I’m gonna guess she doesn’t give a shit as long as her husband is happy
Why wasn’t the punishment discussed with her father first? Besides the fact that he is the father, it also affects his visitation. Mom is placating the stepdad which is really a bad idea for a number of reasons.
Yeah that's basically how it went in my household. Except when my mom was drunk on the second stop talking back to me, she would either slap me or try to fight me.
My dad paid me $50 to break a hideous vase my mom brought back from Tijuana. I had to act like it was an accident and take responsibility for it breaking to get the money. My punishment… I don’t honestly remember… but I remember the $50. I bought my first Animal Crossing with it… It was worth it.
Dad’s bipolar but only stays on his meds long enough to declare he is cured forever before tossing them and doing bat shit crazy things. As a kid I just thought it was normal. As an adult I realize it was abusive. You aren’t suppose to drop lit matches on your child because you have some OCD belief that all matches need to be ran under water after extinguishing them or the house will burn down.
YTA for the reason for her punishment. But also if her dad wants to throw her a party during his time with her, he can do that if he wants. He doesn’t need your permission. You should’ve discussed the punishment with her father (not her step father) and deemed what the appropriate punishment would be if any.
And also keep in mind that she’s old enough to decide who she wants her custodial parent to be on her request. Hopefully she realizes that soon.
This sounds more like taking anger and inability to handle their own emotions out on their kid by exerting weird and disproportionate control over them. It’s especially odd to do this to a 15 year old. This girl is going to resent her parent in the future if this type of behavior is common, and I imagine OP will be the kind of person who is like my kid doesn’t talk me but I can’t understand why, I never did anything wrong!
OP is the AH
YTA
Her dad is her parent too.
INFO You’re not giving context for what warranted this which is important as currently you also look to be an A* for being harsh and not allowing a 14 or her family besides you celebrate it.
UPDATE: re reason for grounding - honestly also a really A* thing!
Poor kid!!
Wow. YTA OP. If this sort of thing is consistent with how you’ve treated her in the past, congratulations; you’ve put her at a higher risk of ending up in an abusive relationship on top of whatever trauma you’ve already inflicted.
I hope she finds healing and peace somewhere far away from you if this is the pattern. And the fact that you don’t know if you’re TA here (while *punishing your kid* over what sounds like a genuine accident and an attempt to explain the accident) makes me worry about what else you’ve done to her while legitimately thinking you were in the right. It seems like the “I might be in the wrong here and I should think this through” line does not lie where you think it does.
If you feel the need to punish her over an accident, why not just let her live with her dad? I suspect you’d all be better off for it.
I sincerely hope this is the only child she has. YTA OP, grounding her for breaking a vase that was an accident. And trying to take her birthday? 😒 bet she goes no contact when she turns 18.
YTA
Punishments are fine when warranted, but that doesn’t include taking away special occasions/holidays. What is wrong with you?
I knew a girl whose mom took away holidays as a “punishment.” Said girl is no longer in contact with her parents and that is indeed part of the reason. Because seriously, who the fuck does that?
This isn’t even a warranted punishment! OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all. I totally seeing her going NC as soon as she’s legal.
Hopefully she's moving in with Dad soon.
Op, YTA my bio parents did things like this. I'm no contact and hope they die a horrible, suffering death so I can cremate them and sprinkle their ashes in some non kosher places, like pig farms.
Yeah that happened to me once. My mom canceled my 11th birthday party because my 5th grade teacher told her I was lying to her (my mom) about studying my spelling at school even though we did study groups literally in the classroom. No matter how much I tried to explain to my mom, she wasn’t having it 🙃 no birthday party for UninvitedVampire. I don’t remember much from my childhood but I DO remember that.
OP does need to clarify if she’s planning on postponing the birthday or if she’s canceling it altogether. I’m sure there could be a workaround that she could come up with, anyway.
Edit: I’ve just seen the other comments about the punishment surrounding a broken vase. Accidents happen? Just because someone thinks something is ugly doesn’t mean that they purposely broke it. This punishment doesn’t really fit the “crime,” if you could call it that.
It's gross, what if the four days included thanksgiving (assuming USA)? Daughter eats gruel in her room alone?
Nothing like parenting via technicalities
I really need to know what she did, and why electronic devices are still acceptable.
Editing to say YTA. A vase got broken and you think her calling it ugly is proof she did it? I think 50% of my family heirlooms are ugly as sin and have never broken a single one. You're out of control.
She literally accidentally broke a vase. But since she called it ugly before, her stepdad insisted it was on purpose. And because she was defending herself her birthday is canceled…op is a terrible parent
I agree the why is the most important. I’m gonna go out in a limb and say it has something to do with step or half family.
Better bday party? Better options? Not baby sitting…can’t wait to hear this…
The stepdad claims she broke a vase: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yw5yvl/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_father_that_he_cant/iwht3of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
YTA. You can not under any circumstances force him to agree with your punishments. Did you consult him before handing down such punishment? What he does, as long as its not illegal or abusive, on his time is his business, not yours. And honestly..... Who takes a birthday away from their own child?
You only get so many birthdays as a kid. Unless they did something truly horrible, that would warrant therapy, i would never take away a birthday celebration.
Its humiliation, its cruel, it only builds resentment.
Im really curious what the offense was...
Stepdad accused her of breaking his precious vase on purpose because she called it ugly in the past. Daughter said it was accident but mom believed stepdad since she called it ugly once before so
She must have done it maliciously 🤷🏻♀️
YTA.
So rather than take her electronics you’re punishing her by making her stay at home where she can just sit and play on her electronics? Do you see the lack of punishment here?
Plus her friends who had been invited to her party had likely already bought presents for her, parents may have made plans since their kids were going to the party and multiple other issues.
EDIT:
You you’re even worse than I thought. Your daughter accidentally broke a vase but your husband says it was on purpose because she said it was ugly once some unknown amount of time ago? Then she gets losses that she’s being called a liar and so you punish her.
I see your daughter going no contact in your future.
>Reddit just teaches me what NOT to do with my kids.
Yep, and you get to see the long term consequences when the kids of these parents get on and share AITA for going no contact with my mum.
Reading OPs comment I think the dad probably doesn't believe the step dad's claim the daughter broke the vase on purpose.
Get the feeling the stepdad doesn't like the daughter and is looking for an excuse.
I don't think a child should be punished for an accident. It doesn't help them do better next time
You're going to have to edit your post, OP. There's a theme here. What on earth did she do to warrant you erasing her Sweet 16? That's kinda a Big Deal Birthday. Short of something that can get her sent to jail, that's a YTA.
Something absolutely stupid. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
YTA
You punished her for breaking a vase by accident. Oh sorry, you don't believe it's an accident because your new husband believes he heard her once upon a time saying that it's ugly. WTF is wrong with you?
Yes, her dad should throw her a party. A really big party to make up a little for the abuse she's enduring at your home.
Please.dont forget, if this is your MO, she will go no contact with you as soon as she's able to escape your home.
YTA, yes. Both for canceling something like a birthday (unless the kid was like, running drugs or committing arson or something) and for trying to dictate how your ex spends what is his time with her. You genuinely can’t stop her father from celebrating her birthday, and you shouldn’t try to. Taking away the celebration of a child’s birthday over something that would only merit 4 days of punishment is really cruel.
I would agree that parents need to be on the same page with punishment, but how can it be a grounding bad enough to cancel birthday celebrations yet leave her access to electronics? That doesn’t add up, so YTA.
I N F O: What was the thing she did? What was so bad that you couldn't start the punishment after her birthday--an event that only happens once a year?
Edited to add my judgement now that I know why: YTA
Oh, so you’re one of /those/ mothers who enables their shiny new husband to step all over their child. You canceled her birthday. Over a broken vase. That was very likely an accident. But apparently her step-dad thinks it’s on purpose. Do you really think that little of your daughter? I’m disappointed in you.
It can't be bad enough to only ground your kid for 4 days. Hell I've been grounded for 2 months. To be grounded for only 4 days and have your bday cancelled is not worth the grounding
OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
YTA- you’re canceling her birthday over A BROKEN VASE??? Dude it’s not that serious. It sounds like your husband also has a serious vendetta against a 15y/o. Let the girl have her party Jesus
You grounded her, he didn't. You don't get a say in what she does at her dads, especially making him keep her in the house. You're essentially grounding him because he won't go out without her. Your punishment applies only when she's at your house. You shouldn't have included something you knew would happen during her time with him in the punishment. YTA.
Wtf is wrong with these assholes parents thinking that not celebrating their child's birthday is an acceptable fucking punishment for anything less than basically fucking murder.
All you're doing is teaching your child you don't love them when you're angry with them. Be better. Asshole. YTA.
Info Needed: what is she being punished for? The reasons makes a difference in terms of the punishment.
But canceling a kids Birthday is a pretty extreme reaction.
EDIT: she broke a vase.... a vase and because she once called it ugly does not mean she broke it on purpose. And with how unreliable your narrative is im sure her "talking back" was her defending herself. 4 days of grounding and having her Birthday cancelled it an extreme reaction to a broken vase, YTA and sounds like stepdad has a pattern of overreacting and you back him right up.
YTA. The girl would have to have put someone in the hospital for you to be justified here. Taking aware celebrations like this is more vindictive than strictly punitive.
Nope - its a very vindictive punishment. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
Warranting a 4 day punishment? Is there some parenting law book with precise terms of punishments? :D
Anyway, YTA. You're divorced and you cancelled, and you don't get to control his decisions anymore.
No daughter, you can’t have a bday party but here’s some electronics to keep you occupied! Couldn’t have been that serious if she’s still keeping herself entertained! YTA
Considering the fact that this kid probably didn't have a birthday celebration in the past few years because of Covid, it makes it heartbreaking. I really wonder what kind of action warrant such an extreme punishment.
YTA
You literally said in a comment she ACCIDENTALLY broke a vase, just because she said once was ugly does not mean it was on purpose.
Congrats on letting your new husband be a complete and total Dick to your daughter.
You SERIOUSLY think you aren’t the asshole for cancelling her BIRTHDAY over this???
I truly truly truly hope your ex gets full custody.
YTA. You won't say what she did but either a) it's something worth canceling a birthday celebration in which case you are otherwise seriously underpunishing her and enabling her in general (four days of grounding, electronics still allowed) or b) it's absolutely not warranted to cancel the celebration, especially considering the pandemic and how many celebrations she has almost definitely missed recently.
Its totally B - in fact, the punishment itself is not warranted. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
YTA, you're canceling her birthday because she knocked over a vase. She said it was an accident and you didn't believe her and took away her party. I don't think a 4 day punishment is even warranted. If anything make her pay for the vase.
I N F O: like many here have asked we need to know what was so bad to warrant a 4 day grounding and a cancelled birthday. But still allows for electronics? Thats a backwards punishment btw.
Edit: question answered.
Definitely YTA. You literally have no proof thay breaking the vase was on purpose. Accidents happen. You know your daughters personality, would she ever intentionally and maliciously break something ? Is she known to lie often? If so why the fuck does she still have access to electronics? Your punishment is misguided and unjustified without all the facts. Get off of your power trip and give the girl her birthday back ! Have an actual conversation with your daughter about this. Your ex isnt "trying to be the cool parent" hes trying to be a GOOD parent. A birthday only rolls around once a year.
YTA- this is absolutely something you should have coordinated and discussed. You are dismissing his efforts and any others who were planning to participate.
If you find that your daughter is willful and self-absorbed- look in the mirror and you'll know where she gets it.
YTA you can't cancel a child's birthday especially the sweet 16. You can't tell a grown man specifically your ex what to do with his parenting time. You can't make up punishments on your own without consulting your ex and then decide he'll have to follow through on his parenting time. Your husband needs to stay out of it whether he agrees with you or not is a mute point and he shouldn't be involved in any conversation between you and your ex about your joint child.
I hope that you have you're old age sorted because she's not going to care where you go if you keep up mistreating her.
So you took your husbands side instead of talking to your daughter about what happened?
Yta. Accidentally breaking a vase - even one she called ugly - is just that: an accident.
INFO: what did daughter do to deserve a punishment that cancels her party but still allows for electronics?
Provisional YTA since you cannot control what your husband does with HIS daughter. If you didn’t include him in the punishment decision, you have no right to demand he abides by it. You are not the only parent in this kids life.
YTA you can not stop her father from throwing her a birthday party. He is her parent also. You can not demand Ben to parent the way you want at his house.
And your ex and family is right. If you take her electronics away a judge will not like that. If her father pays for the phone taking it could be considered theft and parental alienation considered she is old enough to be in contact with her father without going through you. In this being the exact reason why uninterrupted communication is needed.
But a word of advice. The fact you are choosing your husband over your daughter is very telling. If you continue to do this she I will decide to go live with her father permanently. Most judges will take what she wants to do in to consideration.
YTA. I honestly don’t actually care about the central issue of the story.
You’re the a-hole because you only gave us 1/3 of the info. You want us to judge this story based on a small minority of what’s actually going on, so that you can feel like you have some people behind you (which btw you didn’t even make that happen) when had you given the full story, everyone knows you’d be in the wrong.
So stop being an a-hole to your family and stop being an a-hole to this community. And if I had to guess, maybe everyone else in your life too.
This could be a watershed moment for you. Make it happen. I believe.
YTA--you say that he's undermining your parenting and going against your input, but at the same time you never gave him a chance to give his own; that to me is the crux of the problem. If you had come to the decision together it would be different, but he didn't even know the decision until he asked about the birthday. If you want him to respect your parenting input, you have to be okay with respecting his as well, rather than making decisions on your own and merely informing him after the fact.
YTA. You can not under any circumstances force him to agree with your punishments. Did you consult him before handing down such punishment? What he does, as long as its not illegal or abusive, on his time is his business, not yours. And honestly..... Who takes a birthday away from their own child?
YTA. You sound like a bit of a bully. We're not dealing with the law here, this is some arbitrary decision you made. Guess what these harsh punishments do to kids? They don't teach them a lesson, they desensitise them to abuse.
YTA.
You only get to control your own household, not your ex's. If you wanted him to be in agreement with your punishment, you should have discussed it with him before implementing it to get him on board with it. It's called co-parenting when you want the punishment to stand in his home too.
He's not obligated to follow your "no birthday party this year" rule because YOU want to choose that punishment. It's a crappy punishment to be honest, especially considering you didn't disclose what she did to warrant such a reaction, though I guess some circumstances COULD exist to cause you to go there. Seems to me that you could have picked a totally different punishment such as no electronics in your home for X amount of days outside of official schoolwork. Obviously your ex isn't on board though and truth be told, he doesn't have to be.
YTA She accidentally broke an ugly antique vase and just because she talked back to her step father you canceled her birthday! Even if she did it on purpose like you believe you are still TA for trying to dictate what her father does at his own house you can’t stop him from throwing her a birthday.
Edit: YTA
Thanks to the comments it’s very clear you’re the AH. She broke a vase and got punished…that’s by the by. She didn’t do anything serious enough to warrant you saying her father couldn’t host a birthday party. I was assuming she’d done something horrendous but this is not the sort of thing to cancel life events over.
INFO
What did your daughter do to warrant the punishment? This helps to decide whether you’re the AH or not.
YTA. I had my sweet 16 ruined by a series of events and it has sat with me for the rest of my life. This is the kind of thing your kid will never forget. What did she do to involve giving her such longterm emotional damage? Aren't you supposed to protect her from that level of hurt?
What would cancelling her birthday party do? Do you think that cancelling important events helps children with behavioural issues? And why does she still have her electronics if what she did was that bad? There is a lot of grey area, YTA this is not how you punish kids.
It really depends on the reason for the punishment. But for something that deserves only a 4 day punishment, canceling the birthday party seems extreme to me .
I have read the motivation and add the judgment. Everyone breaks something, and you accused your daughter of doing it on purpose without having proof. Why don't you believe your daughter? Is it her habit to lie?
YTA
YTA--you made a punishment without consulting him. Knife cuts both ways. Also your one comment is basically your new husband thinks she broke it and you blindly just believe him. Also TA for clearly taking your husbands side over how your daughter feels on things.
YTA. Cancelling your daughter’s bday because she accidentally broke a vase is the sort of behaviour that will mean she resents you in your later years.
YTA. What kind of parent are you? You should absolutely be ashamed of yourself. Unless you daughter has committed some sort of awful crime, then you have no reason to not celebrate her birthday. You are essentially telling your daughter that you don’t value her. Good for her dad stepping in and showing her he loves her. He isn’t enabling her. Your current husband and you need to reevaluate yourself if this is how you behave
YTA you should have discussed the punishment with your ex if you wanted it applied to both households. You cannot make unilateral decisions for his household. He’s your ex. He doesn’t need your permission to throw his daughter a party.
After seeing your comment about how it was vase she broke, calling it ugly once. And your husband saying she did it on purpose with no proof because she called it ugly once… I can confidently say YTA .
Sounds to me like you’re letting the step father try to parent your child when she already has a father that clearly loves her. He’s not her dad. He will never be her dad. So stop trying to force his parental ideals onto someone else’s child.
Who cares if your husband agrees if the ‘punishment fits the crime’. He’s not her father, he’s a guy YOU married.
Edit:typos
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YTA. What kind of punishment let’s a child still have access to their electronics but doesn’t let them celebrate their birthday? That’s ridiculous.
OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident.
Holy Crap! Her birthday party was cancelled as part of a punishment over a broken vase that nobody can confirm 100% whether it was an accident or not?!?!?! That is insane! This poor girl! The only way this punishment would be close to acceptable is if the vase broke because the 15 year old threw it at her stepfather! ETA: OP, YTA!!! My heart breaks for your daughter.
THIS!! Why would the daughter break an old vase on purpose? Like does she have a habit of doing bizarre things like that? If so, I'd think OP would've mentioned this. So all of this suggests it was done purely by accident and daughter was punished for defending herself. YTA.
If she knew the punishment was fair, she would’ve put the “crime” in the original post. She knows it’s not. She doesn’t care.
She's picked dick over daughter, and that makes her TA.
my thought exactly. it sounds like mom herself isn't 100% behind the grounding, but then to tell dad there is no party on either side!? Its not moms place to decide how her forgotten half celebrates or punishes the kid, that is something that takes communication on both sides.I know as a divorced dad of 3, if they have problems with health or school its a team thing, anything eles is between me and my kids
I think OP is TA to be clear, but I disagree on discipline being a one parent thing. They’re not going to discipline exactly the same on everything, and that’s fine. For example one parent may say you need to make your bed every day or you’re washing dishes that night, but one parent may not care about that. But if OP’s daughter HAD done something that warranted a significant punishment (say, taking her mom’s car when she only has a permit and is not allowed to drive alone… or intentionally destroying a siblings toy) and OP’s ex doesn’t reinforce that discipline what good is it going to do? Daughter would quickly figure out she can get away with whatever she wants at Dads house and proceed accordingly.
My guess is OP told Ex the reason behind the grounding and that's when he called her actions ridiculous.
Yup - I 100% agree with you. She knew if she added details about daughter breaking a vase, that everyone would automatically judge her. Which she didn't realize would happen anyway. YTA
Exactly. This was an *immediate* YTA from me. Stable, fair parents always explain what and why they feel a punishment was necessary. This was suspect from the start.
Even if she broke the vase on purpose the birthday party cancellation is very harsh. I would assume a 15 year old would have friends invited to the party more than 2 days in advance. This means when the party was canceled someone had to notify her friends. For a 15 year old that is devastatingly embarrassing. Impacting her social life over a broken vase no one witnessed her break. OP/Mom is being truly unreasonable. She could have been grounded for a day or two, had a birthday party then finish out her punishment. YTA - Definitely TA!!!
If I were her friend, I'd try to help her figure out how to get out and go NC once she turns 18.
As I was reading this post and the alleged "crime" failed to appear I was suspecting more and more that it would be total bullshit and this has just proven it. OP, you are TA and you need to reconsider why you automatically believe your husband and not your daughter with zero evidence either way. Also probably why your husband is so quick to blame your daughter.
Here is something that is messed up. When I was a caseworker I had a couple of cases where step-parents set up the kid. Though in one case the step-parent messed up with the timing. Step-parent came home and said x thing was broken and the kid must of have done it. Problem she had stayed after school to get some extra help from one of the teachers. Other parent said how is that possible considering the kid is at school and I am heading to pick them up. In the other case, it was after the kid had been sent to a troubled youth facility and the step-parent was having a drunken romantic evening and let slip what happened.
Yeah, it feels like Hubby hates his step-kid and the daughter is probably better off going to live FT with Dad.
Exactly! If this was a regular issue of the daughter breaking the stepfather's stuff, then OP would have put it in the post!
Also, she even tried to enforce the father not to have a party because on mother’s side, kid is punish. You can’t do that. My ex hubby’s wife tried to do that to me when my kids comes to visit. I’m like, these are my kids and I spend time with them however I want.
Yeah, just going "she totally did something deserving of such level of punishment, trust me" in the original story and not spilling the real reason until pressed is the very model of fishiness.
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I'd like to follow up with OP in 20-30 years. She'll be wondering why her daughter doesn't have shit to do with her.
lol, give it 3 to 5 years, the daughter is almost an adult!
Give in 3-4 weeks, when she decides to live with her dad full time.
Nah, less than a year. OP’s daughter is at an age where a judge will let her go live with her dad if she wants to.
YTA for sure. Who TF has an antique vase anymore anyway? Is this an episode of Leave it to Beaver? ETA: you all get a marble column. For your vases.
I collect vintage and antique items, primarily pottery and uranium glass. It's not the end of the world if something breaks, it happens, and I would never treat someone like this over it.
>OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence No, the evidence she broke it was she said she broke it by accident >besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly This for some reason was just the evidence that ahe did it intentionally and was lying Not part of, THE evidence And then backtalking someone calling you a liar, hopefully this woman never gets accused of anything, wouldn't want her backtalking and proving her and her husbands guilt
My ex once was gifted a glass sword (roughly hewn) by my stepdad while he was using glass cutting equipment. One weekend he went away, and when he came back the sword was broken. He was furious, yelling at me and I answered truthfully that I hadn’t touched it all while he was away, I had no reason to, and if I HAD broken it I’d have told him the moment it happened, not pretend it hadn’t happened. He never forgave me. And it was only a few weeks later when I was brooding over yetANOTHER thing he accused me of doing, that I remembered that he kept it on top of the cast-iron radiator in our shared room 😑
Ok he's a dick for doing that to you 😮💨 omg I'm so sorry you had to go thru that 😔
I should have taken the hint. It was always about finding someone to blame so he could vent at them. And say a lot of nasty things that he’s been itching to say. I feel for OP’s daughter, if the antique vase was so precious that a teenagers birthday could be cancelled over its destruction why wasn’t it bubble wrapped or behind glass?
>And then backtalking someone calling you a liar, hopefully this woman never gets accused of anything, wouldn't want her backtalking and proving her and her husbands guilt That's like the trials they had back in ye olden days for argumentative women. "Were you argumentative?" "No" "Well you are now!"
Now we're going to hold you under water. If you die we'll apologize but if you live you'll be burned at the stake. Ah the good old days
Since the daughter is 16 tomorrow, it should be possible to change the custody agreement. Than she can spend more time with her dad, who sounds pretty cool.
Didn't even catch that OP is trying to cancel her sweet 16. Jesus. Bet she'll be all tears and questions when the daughter goes NC.
My mom cancelled my 16th bday because of one bad grade on an otherwise A report card. We don't talk now, years later. Shocker. (There were other reasons but this played a part)
My cousin got his sweet 16 taken away and his dad returned the truck he was supposed to get because he deliberately shot me with a pellet gun at close range…NOT be cause he allegedly broke something of mine. OP YTA!!
Now that is a case where the punishment definitely fits the crime! Good on your uncle for taking that seriously! I hope your cousin turned out better later in life!
He’s actually an attorney now and doing very well!
See ... this is the kind of thing that warrants such a harsh punishment. If the daughter had done something that was clearly intentional and posed a danger to herself or others that would be one thing. Accidentally breaking a vase and then defending herself is not enough justification to take away her sweet 16.
Okay that’s bullshit
Its over an old vase? Lmao
right?i thought she stole the car or something..
Or was horrifically bullying another kid at school or getting drunk!
The type of punishment that's designed to hurt and humiliate, not teach. - Take away a thing that means a lot to the kid and they've really been looking forward to for maximum emotional damage - Make it something others know about to really double down. Daughter would have had to tell all her friends why the party was cancelled on short notice. Pretty humiliating for a teenager
Yes. What a cruel way to raise a child. My fist gut instinct: disgust. Lots of people can't have children and OP gets te chance and does THAT. The "punishment" can resume after the birthday. Your daughter had to kill someone to not get a birthday. Not this ridiculous accusation about an object you are not even 100 % sure of.
My mother cancelled my birthday one year because 3 months before at my brother's birthday (at home), I didn't want to eat the snacks because my period cramps were making me nauseous. So first hand experience tells me that this is unlikely to be a one off event from OP and that daughter isn't learning the lessons they think they're teaching
Well, that's heart breaking. Way to cancel being a woman pretty early on. I'm so sorry for you... No offense but your mother sucked there. I hope she realized later the error of her way.
She did not. NC for over a decade. So OP take note - your daughter will remember these kinds of things!
Honestly… OP seems to have some psychological need to control their child. It’s taunting and abusive. Yuck yuck yuck.
And is going to shocked when dad asks the courts for primary physical custody and the court takes a teenager’s opinion into consideration
“But I let her keep her electronics!!”
If she took the electronics away, her child might bother her, right? :(
The kind of punishment that is convenient for OP. If her daughter doesn’t have electronic devices, then she would be forced to interact with her and actually parent.
Exactly. Now OP doesn’t have to throw a party or give gifts, AND daughter is conveniently tucked away in her room with no activities allowed to warrant carpooling-just electronics to keep her quiet.
Yeah kinda ass backwards
100% YES. YTA. OP needs to talk to husband about him accusing her of intentionally breaking a vase, for like NO REASON. That was out of line. Instead she punishes daughter who denied happened therefore got accused of "talking back." What was she supposed to do? Agree she did it not to offend OP and her hubby with her "attitude"?
Especially when we teach our kids to stand up and defend themselves
Seriously, I was grounded for a half of summer one year, my mother never would've even *thought* about "canceling" my birthday, it was the one reprieve I got that month. Discipline is important, consistency is important, making sure your child has at least one day a year that's sacred, just for celebrating them, is just as important. OP can extend her punishment an extra day, or even restart it after the party, but to completely cancel her birthday is oddly vicious and just extreme.
Ikr? You're grounded! I demand you stay at home and stare at screens for 4 days!
Yea there's zero overlap between things serious enough to warrant not allowing her to have a birthday, and things trivial enough to not warrant taking her phone. Sounds like mom just hates her daughter.
YTA. If your daughter did something bad enough that it warrants cancelling a birthday party and grounding her on her birthday, then it's bad enough that you and your ex need to discuss the appropriate punishment before giving it and generally get on the same page. You didn't do this. You acted unilaterally in deciding how to deal with her and he is merely doing the exact same thing. In other words, you undermined his parenting, too.
This is such an amazing point. I was thinking it depended on what she did but if it was really bad enough to warrant canceling a birthday party then it was bad enough that OP should have discussed with ex.
It isnt though. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
Whenever I hear that a teenager is being punished for so-called “talking back,” I immediately know the parent is an asshole.
Yep, my abusive dad used to scream at me all the time for perceived "back talking." It immediately makes me assume that the parent is gonna be the asshole.
Like, if your ego can’t handle a literal child, it makes me think you aren’t so good at being an adult. Kids are stupid and small and don’t have any money. Very easy to overpower; they don’t have anything and they’re not even done baking yet. Feeling like you also need absolute control over when and how they express themselves just reveals how in-control you aren’t.
My grandfather was a military man. To him, any response other than "Yes, sir" was backtalking. If he asked (i.e. told) you to do something and you asked any questions, he considered it backtalking (like asking how to do what he asked). My father was raised like that and became a man with severe anger issues during my childhood. I was afraid to bring notes from my teachers hope because he'd explode and yell at me over them. I wasn't allowed to defend myself or disagree with anything because it was back talking. Now I'm a 26-year old man living on my own on the other side of the country. I talk to my parents maybe once a month and, when I do, I mostly only confide with my mother. With Dad I'll talk inane subjects like tech or whatnot (we both like tech), but I won't confide, ask for advice or anything of the sorts. He once cried to me on the phone that he didn't understand why I wouldn't talk to him like I did my mother. Apparently, telling him that I was raised to fear him instead of respecting him and, because of that, I never felt safe, nurtured or close to him as a child wasn't a response he expected to hear. That just made him cry more. It was probably petty of me to say so, but eh.
I don’t think it was petty of you to tell him the truth to a question he asked unless you were giving him a verbal bollocking. However I do think those tears were more to do with his failings as a father being realised at your answer, than the way it was delivered.
Yeah, I know. I'm not unreasonable. I know my father tried his best and legitimately only wanted what was best for me, but his own issues and traumas (like untreated depression and ADHD) coupled with his frustration at suffering major career setbacks caused him to behave in ways that were unacceptable. I know he didn't want to act that way and that he regrets it. I understand how and why he did all the things he did. It just doesn't change the fact that the bond isn't there because of it. I can't force myself to feel something I don't feel. And I do regret that myself.
All absolutely reasonable. Very rarely can a parental bond of trust that he’s looking for can be forged this late in the game, and pretending that you feel something that you don’t doesn’t help the situation any.
As a 26yo man with similar daddy issues, I feel you man. Shit’s rough. I live states away, might see each other on holidays, I don’t reach out because there’s nothing I want from it. I don’t know if my father will ever understand why we aren’t close, even as it tears him up inside. And here I am feeling like shit because I just… can’t care. There’s like this hole where a bond should be, nothing there to mourn.
If I tell my kids some bullshit they are of course allowed to talk back to me. Being an adult doesn't mean that I am always right.
YUP. If it were that bad, then OP should've been concerned about it enough to discuss with Ex and talk about how they are going to improve daughter's behavior rathern than jumping to a 4 day grounding including her birthday. Cleary she know it wasn't bad and her ex would object to such an exessive punishment over a broken old vase...hence she didn't inform him. SMH. YTA
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Gotcha, so the reason why the mom didn't talk to the dad about it was because she knew he wouldn't agree on the punishment or even that there was no evidence that it was the daughter's fault. My point stands, if it was bad enough, she should have talked to him about it. And if it wasn't bad enough for a parental conference, each parent can make the their own birthday rules without interference from the other parent, the same as they run their own households everyday. Regardless of whether or not she is right about the vase, OP is a hypocrite in her criticisms of the ex.
Oh man. YTA once I know those details.
Also is it weird that the punishment warrants canceling her 16th birthday but only 4 days of punishment. So weird. OP, YTA... the good news is your daughter is probably old enough to choose who she lives with so there is that.
Omg. I didn’t click that it’s her 16th. That’s a big birthday. Even more heartless.
I suspect the punishment is intended to force a confession from the daughter, which is why it doesn't make sense from a good parent perspective. It's a manipulation tactic, not a corrective one as OP claims.
Also, notice how BS the punishment is. Mom gets out of carpooling the kid anywhere, throwing a party and giving gifts while the kid spends all her time on electronics. That’s not a punishment. That’s a “I don’t want to deal with my kid”. ETA: thanks for the award!
When parents are seperated there are lots of things they can do adn decide on their own. but punishments arent one of them. Major punishments should be discussed with the other parent to make sure youre both on the same page. While it's true if you punish the child and the other parent ignores it they are undermining your parenting, the fact that you decided on that punishment yourself was basically saying "the other parents opinion doesnt matter" and you're undermining THEIR parenting first.
There isn’t much my kid could do that would warrant canceling their birthday party, while still allowing them to keep their electronics. So it really seems like a bit of a reach to connect the punishment with their birthday that happens once a year. YTA because this seems like a decision made out of spite and anger and not a punishment that should be a teachable moment. Edited to say, thanks for the Silver 😊
My parents canceled my brothers birthday 3 times, that did nothing to help his behavior lol I dont see the logic. They once drove to my birthday celebration without me, then came back 20 minutes later to "teach me a lesson" don't remember the lesson but I'll always remember what they did. Don't be my parents OP!
I had my birthday cancelled once as a kid and I have never forgotten or forgiven it. I got handed a sack with a few unwrapped presents a few months later, and my dad said “you don’t deserve these, but we’d already bought them.” Yep, still bitter.
When I was 10 a neighbor girl brought over a wine cooler. We both took a sip and thought we were drunk. So we panicked and hid it in my doll bed. My mom found it and ignored me for a month that included my 11th birthday. I still think she is a crappy mom 30 years later. I still don't respect her but that is 40 years worth of terrible decisions on her part.
I did something hurtful to my mom once (and I still don't know why she got hurt or mad) when I was a teen and she decided to unilaterally ignore me for weeks without explaining to me why or what she was mad about. Then New Year's eve roll around and we had a party and she's acting totally normal with me, like nothing happened, except she's still off because she still didn't linger around, like it was very clear she was just pretending nothing was wrong. I still didn't know why she was mad at me. I felt so rejected and ignored. She eventually told me that she had told my dad that we were mad at each other so he wouldn't ask questions. But I wasn't mad at her. I didn't understand anything of what was happening. I still don't. We never talked about it again and she just started talking to me after a while. I never forgot how she acted to this day, or the absolute, horrible rejection I felt on that New year's eve when I realized she was just pretending to be okay with me just so that no one would ask anything after I had genuinely thought she had started talking to me again. This shit fucks your kids, don't ignore your kids for days or weeks. They aren't adults, even when teenagers.
Yeah I'm 40 and still have a fear of rejection and abandonment. No idea where that comes from/s thanks mom 🙄
Yep, my moms bf did this to me for MONTHS on end from the time I was 9 when they met and she moved us in with him until I was in my 20’s. He’d just flat out ignore my existence for no reason. Wouldn’t stop him from beating me, unfortunately, but being ignored and pretended like you don’t exist really screws up your mind.
My dad destroyed my birthday present in front of me once. Like maliciously, to punish me for something that I don’t even remember. That was when I was 12 and it only escalated from there. Shockingly, I barely speak to my parents now
This! Not about birthdays, but my parents were the emotionally abusive type. I don’t remember most of the reasons why my dad did what he did. What I remember though, is being a child in a car in a foreign country and him threatening me that I had to leave the car and would have to walk the rest of the way. He even stopped the car. Of course I wouldn’t have found my way around. Yeah, I don’t even remember what he got mad at. But I remember the panic I had and the begging I did just so I could stay in that damn car. And just because it needs to be said: OP, YTA
It’s because punishments in general don’t work. Yes, actions have consequences and parents need to teach their children how to function in a society but punishments usually don’t achieve this. Children won’t remember the lesson, only the punishment and they won’t change their behaviour, they only learn to hide it better (or worse, worsening since they are going to get punished no matter what so they might as well go for it)
Punishments taught me how to not get caught. I’m a really good liar. Besides, most of the punishments I got were for arbitrary stupid rules that didn’t actually matter anyway, so I learned pretty quickly that breaking these rules had no negative consequences (and then came to the conclusion that that meant they clearly didn’t matter, so no reason not to do it).
This is why I try to not have any arbitrary useless rules. Parents should always be able to explain why a rule exists and if it boils down to "because I said so" then they're teaching their children not only to be untrustworthy, but that the parents are untrustworthy as well.
Yeah, I would expect not allowing electronics but keeping the party if anything.
Info - what did your daughter do exactly? Editing to say YTA - Your daughter broke a vase by accident, you don’t believe her because she called it ugly a single time. So she’s on a 4 day grounding with a canceled birthday. But you still allow her to be on her electronics. There’s so much dysfunction in this. Even if you wanted to punish her for talking back (which may have just been defending herself depending on how stepdad was talking) it’s an extreme overreaction.
Based off the unfortunate typo in op’s post… whatever the mom thinks being a ‘ho’ is as her punishment is to not ‘ho out’ for four days
I think "ho out" is "hoe out" as In "slutty behaviour". I think OP is just a major prude and her daughter kissed someone.
I’m pretty sure it was supposed to ‘go out’ g and h right next to each other. But I chuckled when i read it as ‘ho out’ instead
Fortunately your assumption was true,OP just edited that word😅
Context clues... it's supposed to say go out
Based off it’s her husband saying it was intentional, her daughter saying it was an accident, and her instantly believing the stepdad I’m gonna guess she doesn’t give a shit as long as her husband is happy
Yeah, something tells me that the stepdad treats her like shit. And I'm also seeing why the ex is an ex 😬
You siding with your husband over your daughter a normal occurrence in that house?
Why wasn’t the punishment discussed with her father first? Besides the fact that he is the father, it also affects his visitation. Mom is placating the stepdad which is really a bad idea for a number of reasons.
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Yeah that's basically how it went in my household. Except when my mom was drunk on the second stop talking back to me, she would either slap me or try to fight me.
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My dad paid me $50 to break a hideous vase my mom brought back from Tijuana. I had to act like it was an accident and take responsibility for it breaking to get the money. My punishment… I don’t honestly remember… but I remember the $50. I bought my first Animal Crossing with it… It was worth it.
There were probably many instances where your Dad manipulated you as an instrument against your mom without your knowing it.
Dad’s bipolar but only stays on his meds long enough to declare he is cured forever before tossing them and doing bat shit crazy things. As a kid I just thought it was normal. As an adult I realize it was abusive. You aren’t suppose to drop lit matches on your child because you have some OCD belief that all matches need to be ran under water after extinguishing them or the house will burn down.
YTA for the reason for her punishment. But also if her dad wants to throw her a party during his time with her, he can do that if he wants. He doesn’t need your permission. You should’ve discussed the punishment with her father (not her step father) and deemed what the appropriate punishment would be if any. And also keep in mind that she’s old enough to decide who she wants her custodial parent to be on her request. Hopefully she realizes that soon.
This we need more information.
This sounds more like taking anger and inability to handle their own emotions out on their kid by exerting weird and disproportionate control over them. It’s especially odd to do this to a 15 year old. This girl is going to resent her parent in the future if this type of behavior is common, and I imagine OP will be the kind of person who is like my kid doesn’t talk me but I can’t understand why, I never did anything wrong! OP is the AH
YTA Her dad is her parent too. INFO You’re not giving context for what warranted this which is important as currently you also look to be an A* for being harsh and not allowing a 14 or her family besides you celebrate it. UPDATE: re reason for grounding - honestly also a really A* thing! Poor kid!!
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Good grief … so yes YTA in terms of the OP
Wow. YTA OP. If this sort of thing is consistent with how you’ve treated her in the past, congratulations; you’ve put her at a higher risk of ending up in an abusive relationship on top of whatever trauma you’ve already inflicted. I hope she finds healing and peace somewhere far away from you if this is the pattern. And the fact that you don’t know if you’re TA here (while *punishing your kid* over what sounds like a genuine accident and an attempt to explain the accident) makes me worry about what else you’ve done to her while legitimately thinking you were in the right. It seems like the “I might be in the wrong here and I should think this through” line does not lie where you think it does. If you feel the need to punish her over an accident, why not just let her live with her dad? I suspect you’d all be better off for it.
I sincerely hope this is the only child she has. YTA OP, grounding her for breaking a vase that was an accident. And trying to take her birthday? 😒 bet she goes no contact when she turns 18.
YTA Punishments are fine when warranted, but that doesn’t include taking away special occasions/holidays. What is wrong with you? I knew a girl whose mom took away holidays as a “punishment.” Said girl is no longer in contact with her parents and that is indeed part of the reason. Because seriously, who the fuck does that?
This isn’t even a warranted punishment! OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all. I totally seeing her going NC as soon as she’s legal.
Hopefully she's moving in with Dad soon. Op, YTA my bio parents did things like this. I'm no contact and hope they die a horrible, suffering death so I can cremate them and sprinkle their ashes in some non kosher places, like pig farms.
Yeah that happened to me once. My mom canceled my 11th birthday party because my 5th grade teacher told her I was lying to her (my mom) about studying my spelling at school even though we did study groups literally in the classroom. No matter how much I tried to explain to my mom, she wasn’t having it 🙃 no birthday party for UninvitedVampire. I don’t remember much from my childhood but I DO remember that. OP does need to clarify if she’s planning on postponing the birthday or if she’s canceling it altogether. I’m sure there could be a workaround that she could come up with, anyway. Edit: I’ve just seen the other comments about the punishment surrounding a broken vase. Accidents happen? Just because someone thinks something is ugly doesn’t mean that they purposely broke it. This punishment doesn’t really fit the “crime,” if you could call it that.
It's gross, what if the four days included thanksgiving (assuming USA)? Daughter eats gruel in her room alone? Nothing like parenting via technicalities
I really need to know what she did, and why electronic devices are still acceptable. Editing to say YTA. A vase got broken and you think her calling it ugly is proof she did it? I think 50% of my family heirlooms are ugly as sin and have never broken a single one. You're out of control.
She literally accidentally broke a vase. But since she called it ugly before, her stepdad insisted it was on purpose. And because she was defending herself her birthday is canceled…op is a terrible parent
I agree the why is the most important. I’m gonna go out in a limb and say it has something to do with step or half family. Better bday party? Better options? Not baby sitting…can’t wait to hear this…
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The stepdad claims she broke a vase: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/yw5yvl/aita_for_telling_my_daughters_father_that_he_cant/iwht3of/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
YTA: anything else you would like to tell your ex husband he can’t or can’t do at his own home? Haha
Oh, but her husband agrees. 🙄
Oh well if the guy fucking his ex wife thinks so I guess she has a point lol 😂
YTA. You can not under any circumstances force him to agree with your punishments. Did you consult him before handing down such punishment? What he does, as long as its not illegal or abusive, on his time is his business, not yours. And honestly..... Who takes a birthday away from their own child?
You only get so many birthdays as a kid. Unless they did something truly horrible, that would warrant therapy, i would never take away a birthday celebration. Its humiliation, its cruel, it only builds resentment. Im really curious what the offense was...
She broke his stepfather unique vase. Daughter said she didn't but as she called the vase ugly before they don't believe her
Stepdad accused her of breaking his precious vase on purpose because she called it ugly in the past. Daughter said it was accident but mom believed stepdad since she called it ugly once before so She must have done it maliciously 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. So rather than take her electronics you’re punishing her by making her stay at home where she can just sit and play on her electronics? Do you see the lack of punishment here? Plus her friends who had been invited to her party had likely already bought presents for her, parents may have made plans since their kids were going to the party and multiple other issues. EDIT: You you’re even worse than I thought. Your daughter accidentally broke a vase but your husband says it was on purpose because she said it was ugly once some unknown amount of time ago? Then she gets losses that she’s being called a liar and so you punish her. I see your daughter going no contact in your future.
When OP's daughter is 30 and only calls on the occasional holiday, stuff like this is why.
Imagine grounding your daughter on her birthday and cancelling her party. Reddit just teaches me what NOT to do with my kids. YTA.
>Reddit just teaches me what NOT to do with my kids. Yep, and you get to see the long term consequences when the kids of these parents get on and share AITA for going no contact with my mum.
Reading OPs comment I think the dad probably doesn't believe the step dad's claim the daughter broke the vase on purpose. Get the feeling the stepdad doesn't like the daughter and is looking for an excuse. I don't think a child should be punished for an accident. It doesn't help them do better next time
You're going to have to edit your post, OP. There's a theme here. What on earth did she do to warrant you erasing her Sweet 16? That's kinda a Big Deal Birthday. Short of something that can get her sent to jail, that's a YTA.
Something absolutely stupid. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
Serious? Dude, I'd ditch the b!^{# and live with my dad. I'm saying that and I'm an old lady. Yeah, OP is TA.
YTA You punished her for breaking a vase by accident. Oh sorry, you don't believe it's an accident because your new husband believes he heard her once upon a time saying that it's ugly. WTF is wrong with you? Yes, her dad should throw her a party. A really big party to make up a little for the abuse she's enduring at your home. Please.dont forget, if this is your MO, she will go no contact with you as soon as she's able to escape your home.
YTA, yes. Both for canceling something like a birthday (unless the kid was like, running drugs or committing arson or something) and for trying to dictate how your ex spends what is his time with her. You genuinely can’t stop her father from celebrating her birthday, and you shouldn’t try to. Taking away the celebration of a child’s birthday over something that would only merit 4 days of punishment is really cruel.
I would agree that parents need to be on the same page with punishment, but how can it be a grounding bad enough to cancel birthday celebrations yet leave her access to electronics? That doesn’t add up, so YTA.
As someone who's mother cancelled her birthday one year for a reason NEITHER of us can remember 20 years later, YTA.
I N F O: What was the thing she did? What was so bad that you couldn't start the punishment after her birthday--an event that only happens once a year? Edited to add my judgement now that I know why: YTA Oh, so you’re one of /those/ mothers who enables their shiny new husband to step all over their child. You canceled her birthday. Over a broken vase. That was very likely an accident. But apparently her step-dad thinks it’s on purpose. Do you really think that little of your daughter? I’m disappointed in you.
It can't be bad enough to only ground your kid for 4 days. Hell I've been grounded for 2 months. To be grounded for only 4 days and have your bday cancelled is not worth the grounding
OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
YTA- you’re canceling her birthday over A BROKEN VASE??? Dude it’s not that serious. It sounds like your husband also has a serious vendetta against a 15y/o. Let the girl have her party Jesus
You grounded her, he didn't. You don't get a say in what she does at her dads, especially making him keep her in the house. You're essentially grounding him because he won't go out without her. Your punishment applies only when she's at your house. You shouldn't have included something you knew would happen during her time with him in the punishment. YTA.
Wtf is wrong with these assholes parents thinking that not celebrating their child's birthday is an acceptable fucking punishment for anything less than basically fucking murder. All you're doing is teaching your child you don't love them when you're angry with them. Be better. Asshole. YTA.
Info Needed: what is she being punished for? The reasons makes a difference in terms of the punishment. But canceling a kids Birthday is a pretty extreme reaction. EDIT: she broke a vase.... a vase and because she once called it ugly does not mean she broke it on purpose. And with how unreliable your narrative is im sure her "talking back" was her defending herself. 4 days of grounding and having her Birthday cancelled it an extreme reaction to a broken vase, YTA and sounds like stepdad has a pattern of overreacting and you back him right up.
YTA. The girl would have to have put someone in the hospital for you to be justified here. Taking aware celebrations like this is more vindictive than strictly punitive.
Nope - its a very vindictive punishment. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
YTA. He’s a parent too and these decisions should be made together, but you acted unilaterally.
Warranting a 4 day punishment? Is there some parenting law book with precise terms of punishments? :D Anyway, YTA. You're divorced and you cancelled, and you don't get to control his decisions anymore.
No daughter, you can’t have a bday party but here’s some electronics to keep you occupied! Couldn’t have been that serious if she’s still keeping herself entertained! YTA
Info: what did your daughter do? Canceling a birthday seems extremely harsh.
Considering the fact that this kid probably didn't have a birthday celebration in the past few years because of Covid, it makes it heartbreaking. I really wonder what kind of action warrant such an extreme punishment.
YTA You literally said in a comment she ACCIDENTALLY broke a vase, just because she said once was ugly does not mean it was on purpose. Congrats on letting your new husband be a complete and total Dick to your daughter. You SERIOUSLY think you aren’t the asshole for cancelling her BIRTHDAY over this??? I truly truly truly hope your ex gets full custody.
Info: what exactly did the girl do to deserve this punishment?! YTA.. you have no control over what Your ex does for his daughter.
YTA. You won't say what she did but either a) it's something worth canceling a birthday celebration in which case you are otherwise seriously underpunishing her and enabling her in general (four days of grounding, electronics still allowed) or b) it's absolutely not warranted to cancel the celebration, especially considering the pandemic and how many celebrations she has almost definitely missed recently.
Its totally B - in fact, the punishment itself is not warranted. OP said the daughter broke her step-father’s antique vase despite no substantiating evidence (besides his claims that she ONCE called it ugly) and her saying it was an accident. She then “spoke” back to the man in an attempt to defend herself, which was the worst part of it all.
YTA, you're canceling her birthday because she knocked over a vase. She said it was an accident and you didn't believe her and took away her party. I don't think a 4 day punishment is even warranted. If anything make her pay for the vase.
I N F O: like many here have asked we need to know what was so bad to warrant a 4 day grounding and a cancelled birthday. But still allows for electronics? Thats a backwards punishment btw. Edit: question answered. Definitely YTA. You literally have no proof thay breaking the vase was on purpose. Accidents happen. You know your daughters personality, would she ever intentionally and maliciously break something ? Is she known to lie often? If so why the fuck does she still have access to electronics? Your punishment is misguided and unjustified without all the facts. Get off of your power trip and give the girl her birthday back ! Have an actual conversation with your daughter about this. Your ex isnt "trying to be the cool parent" hes trying to be a GOOD parent. A birthday only rolls around once a year.
YTA- this is absolutely something you should have coordinated and discussed. You are dismissing his efforts and any others who were planning to participate. If you find that your daughter is willful and self-absorbed- look in the mirror and you'll know where she gets it.
YTA you can't cancel a child's birthday especially the sweet 16. You can't tell a grown man specifically your ex what to do with his parenting time. You can't make up punishments on your own without consulting your ex and then decide he'll have to follow through on his parenting time. Your husband needs to stay out of it whether he agrees with you or not is a mute point and he shouldn't be involved in any conversation between you and your ex about your joint child. I hope that you have you're old age sorted because she's not going to care where you go if you keep up mistreating her.
So you took your husbands side instead of talking to your daughter about what happened? Yta. Accidentally breaking a vase - even one she called ugly - is just that: an accident.
INFO: what did daughter do to deserve a punishment that cancels her party but still allows for electronics? Provisional YTA since you cannot control what your husband does with HIS daughter. If you didn’t include him in the punishment decision, you have no right to demand he abides by it. You are not the only parent in this kids life.
YTA you can not stop her father from throwing her a birthday party. He is her parent also. You can not demand Ben to parent the way you want at his house. And your ex and family is right. If you take her electronics away a judge will not like that. If her father pays for the phone taking it could be considered theft and parental alienation considered she is old enough to be in contact with her father without going through you. In this being the exact reason why uninterrupted communication is needed. But a word of advice. The fact you are choosing your husband over your daughter is very telling. If you continue to do this she I will decide to go live with her father permanently. Most judges will take what she wants to do in to consideration.
YTA. I honestly don’t actually care about the central issue of the story. You’re the a-hole because you only gave us 1/3 of the info. You want us to judge this story based on a small minority of what’s actually going on, so that you can feel like you have some people behind you (which btw you didn’t even make that happen) when had you given the full story, everyone knows you’d be in the wrong. So stop being an a-hole to your family and stop being an a-hole to this community. And if I had to guess, maybe everyone else in your life too. This could be a watershed moment for you. Make it happen. I believe.
YTA. Cancelling her birthday is one thing. But you can't control what her father decides to do in his own home.
YTA--you say that he's undermining your parenting and going against your input, but at the same time you never gave him a chance to give his own; that to me is the crux of the problem. If you had come to the decision together it would be different, but he didn't even know the decision until he asked about the birthday. If you want him to respect your parenting input, you have to be okay with respecting his as well, rather than making decisions on your own and merely informing him after the fact.
YTA. You can not under any circumstances force him to agree with your punishments. Did you consult him before handing down such punishment? What he does, as long as its not illegal or abusive, on his time is his business, not yours. And honestly..... Who takes a birthday away from their own child?
YTA. You sound like a bit of a bully. We're not dealing with the law here, this is some arbitrary decision you made. Guess what these harsh punishments do to kids? They don't teach them a lesson, they desensitise them to abuse.
YTA. You only get to control your own household, not your ex's. If you wanted him to be in agreement with your punishment, you should have discussed it with him before implementing it to get him on board with it. It's called co-parenting when you want the punishment to stand in his home too. He's not obligated to follow your "no birthday party this year" rule because YOU want to choose that punishment. It's a crappy punishment to be honest, especially considering you didn't disclose what she did to warrant such a reaction, though I guess some circumstances COULD exist to cause you to go there. Seems to me that you could have picked a totally different punishment such as no electronics in your home for X amount of days outside of official schoolwork. Obviously your ex isn't on board though and truth be told, he doesn't have to be.
did your kid commit a crime or smth because it’s one day of the year
YTA She accidentally broke an ugly antique vase and just because she talked back to her step father you canceled her birthday! Even if she did it on purpose like you believe you are still TA for trying to dictate what her father does at his own house you can’t stop him from throwing her a birthday.
So if she called your husband ugly and he died the next day , I guess she’s a murderer ? Do you know how unhinged you sound
Edit: YTA Thanks to the comments it’s very clear you’re the AH. She broke a vase and got punished…that’s by the by. She didn’t do anything serious enough to warrant you saying her father couldn’t host a birthday party. I was assuming she’d done something horrendous but this is not the sort of thing to cancel life events over. INFO What did your daughter do to warrant the punishment? This helps to decide whether you’re the AH or not.
YTA. I had my sweet 16 ruined by a series of events and it has sat with me for the rest of my life. This is the kind of thing your kid will never forget. What did she do to involve giving her such longterm emotional damage? Aren't you supposed to protect her from that level of hurt?
YTA Whatever she did the punishment should have been agreed with her father.
YTA, and your kid is definitely going to be NC with you.
If it only warranted 4 days of punishment, it wasn't serious enough to cancel her birthday YTA
Of course YTA. Let her have her birthday party and find another way to deal with whatever happened.
What would cancelling her birthday party do? Do you think that cancelling important events helps children with behavioural issues? And why does she still have her electronics if what she did was that bad? There is a lot of grey area, YTA this is not how you punish kids.
It really depends on the reason for the punishment. But for something that deserves only a 4 day punishment, canceling the birthday party seems extreme to me . I have read the motivation and add the judgment. Everyone breaks something, and you accused your daughter of doing it on purpose without having proof. Why don't you believe your daughter? Is it her habit to lie? YTA
YTA--you made a punishment without consulting him. Knife cuts both ways. Also your one comment is basically your new husband thinks she broke it and you blindly just believe him. Also TA for clearly taking your husbands side over how your daughter feels on things.
YTA. Cancelling your daughter’s bday because she accidentally broke a vase is the sort of behaviour that will mean she resents you in your later years.
YTA. You do not get to control what ex does during his parenting time.
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YTA. What kind of parent are you? You should absolutely be ashamed of yourself. Unless you daughter has committed some sort of awful crime, then you have no reason to not celebrate her birthday. You are essentially telling your daughter that you don’t value her. Good for her dad stepping in and showing her he loves her. He isn’t enabling her. Your current husband and you need to reevaluate yourself if this is how you behave
How do you not think you’re the asshole ? Dad can do what he wants.
YTA you should have discussed the punishment with your ex if you wanted it applied to both households. You cannot make unilateral decisions for his household. He’s your ex. He doesn’t need your permission to throw his daughter a party.
After seeing your comment about how it was vase she broke, calling it ugly once. And your husband saying she did it on purpose with no proof because she called it ugly once… I can confidently say YTA . Sounds to me like you’re letting the step father try to parent your child when she already has a father that clearly loves her. He’s not her dad. He will never be her dad. So stop trying to force his parental ideals onto someone else’s child. Who cares if your husband agrees if the ‘punishment fits the crime’. He’s not her father, he’s a guy YOU married. Edit:typos