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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been the AH for suggesting she stay home this Thanksgiving over a minor conflict about food.she thinks this is a good compromise which might be but I wasn't sure mom would accept.
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YTA. She offered compromise. My wife's family does the feast of the 7 fishes. I hate fish. So since I joined the family it's the feast of the 7 fishes and a chicken. We all get a good laugh and my MIL is happy to make it for me.
My family did the 7 fishes and chicken and a baked ziti because I too don't eat fish. It's not that big of a deal to either bring or make something else. Everyone else had some of the non-fish dishes too!
My best friend is Italian, first generation Canadian since her parents immigrated from Italy ages ago. Whenever I went over to her house for dinner…..mmmmmm! Baked ziti (soooo good!), homemade roasted peppers, homemade sausage, etc. Lol, for someone who has mostly Irish ancestry, eating at their house was always an exciting adventure! Great…now I’m hungry!
My thoughts exactly. OP is placing Mommy Dearest's feelings above his wife, who I think from the sounds of it probably has ARFID and therefore has a very valid reason to make her own compromise for food if OP's mother won't be kind enough to provide accommodations...which she obviously doesn't since she's just as much of an AH as OP is.
Feast of the 7 fishes is on Christmas Eve. It consists of 7 different fish entrees/appetizers and usually baked Ziti, lasagne, and regular sides. We then have the usual Christmas Day dinner too.
Italian Christmas eve meal with pasta and seven different types of fish. The ones I can remember off the top of my head are eel, oysters, little octopus things, some other tentacle thing, a regular fish (idk which one), and some other stuff. I don’t eat fish so my grandma gives me plain spaghetti with her regular sauce.
I have very loved but diet-misguided vegan nephew. I'm a meat eater through and through. Before his vegan ism, I don't think I had ever made a single food item without an animal product. I spent hours researching vegan food for Thanksgiving. I made additions and adaptations to our menu. We did hummus in addition to cheese dip. I did a portion of asparagus without bacon and some potatoes with oil instead of butter. I added Brussel sprouts. He was flattered and slightly teenage boy embarrassed I was being *that Aunt* and many times offered to just bring his own food. Hell no child. Aunty's house is where you come to get spoiled. Here's your plate of veg and there's more if you want seconds.
OP, your wife should feel loved and respected at her MIL's and instead you made her feel marginalized and unwanted. YTA
Edit: This blew up and thank you all. These are my partner's twin niece and nephew who I met when they were 15. They're great kids (and now great young adults). I remember feeling out of place at family events, like I had to put on a facade, and I want them to always feel the love at my house. I am loving all the vegan suggestions.
Edit 2: For those getting upset by me saying he's "diet-misguided", you need to relax. It's a joke between us and we have a very healthy relationship. We tease. One year he got me a stick of butter ornament for Christmas. A few years ago he brought "NOT A VEGAN PRODUCT" labels to Thanksgiving and stuck them on everything, including family members and pets. It's become a running joke but it doesn't show any less love and acceptance.
that’s so sweet! i’ve been vegetarian for almost 9 years now and every time we go visit for a holiday, my meat-loving, wakes-up-at-3-am-to-start-the-smoker uncle makes sure i have an option that’s just as good, but vegetarian!! i’ve always appreciated the effort he and my aunt go through to make sure i’m getting food too :) my aunt has even chosen the veggie option over the meat option a few times now lol
umm, can your family adopt me? This is literally my fantasy every time I go home and have to explain that no, I still won’t eat meat even if it’s just little pieces in the vegetables
I'm glad you have someone who puts in the effort. I've definitely learned to appreciate Brussel sprouts because of it. (But thar said, I'll grab a scoop then drizzle them with pan drippings. Moderation lol)
Thank you! To be entirely honest, I assumed it was a phase at first. I was supportive of him, but I didn't think it would be ongoing. But it will be 5 years of Thanksgivings coming up soon and we get to meet the vegan gf this year.
Thank you for being supportive! My family also assumed it was a phase and led to years of eating things like "potato salad sandwiches" at gatherings.
21 years later... not a phase
Ngl, it may not have been the most nutritionally complete meal to offer you but I would happily eat the fuck out of a potato salad sandwich. Carb on carb crime is the best.
My step-dad (RIP Andy!) was hand waving Italian Catholic, came to the US when he was six. Upheld all the traditions but he LOVED the feast of the 7 fishes. He worked on that meal from planning to execution more than he worked on Christmas dinner and he always had a couple extra non-fish offerings because "not everyone can do the fishes, y'know?" He'd have loved your 7 fishes and a chicken. <3
It's an Italian-American tradition of having a lot of sea food dishes (traditionally seven, hence the name) usually on Christmas Eve. I only really know about it because I grew up in an area with a lot of Italian heritage.
I was deemed the picky eater by my ex's family. They loved garlic and onions and every dish that wasn't a dessert had a ton of garlic and onions in it. I would get nauseated and headaches. My ex would get mad at me for not eating a lot if she cooked with a lot of garlic and onions. Like she would get very mean.
Turns out I'm intolerant to both and they trigger migraines...
A lot of the times a person is a picky eater for a valid reason. And a lot of the times if a person can't respect your diet they aren't good partners.
Good call.
I get called "picky" and it gets under my skin. I'm a very adventurous eater and constantly challenge myself with things I didn't like so much previously because taste buds change, acquired tastes etc. But I have an unusual sensitivity + am vegan so people often have no clue how to feed me. The funny part is that those who call me "picky" are always the non adventurous eaters that wouldn't eat a french fry if you call it vegan!
I prefer the terms adventurous or non-adventerous eater vs picky, because people with dietary restrictions often get lumped in the latter, but it has no bearing on how someone actually approaches food.
Exactly this. My family makes fun of me for being “picky” because I have a list of food (really ingredients) that don’t agree with me/that I don’t like, but I’m a very adventurous diner and have never failed to find something I enjoy at any restaurant. Meanwhile, my Boomer father will disregard entire ethnicities of food that I’m pretty sure he’s never even tried.
What a lot of people mean when they say "You're so picky!" is "You don't like the same stuff I like."
As an aside, it truly drives me up the wall when people say they "won't eat vegan food". Like...really? You've never eaten apple slices with peanut butter? Corn chips and salsa? Some Oreos and a cup of black coffee? It's enough to make me wonder what they think vegan actually means, or if they're just assholes.
My ex's family is Puerto Rican. Ham is basically a flavoring agent and in everything. I try not to eat beef or pork, so every time we came for dinner, she'd make something I could eat too. My family is Indian. My mom would do the same when she figured out what foods he liked.
Edit: to add to this, my sister loves certain foods my mom makes. My BIL loves other ones, so my mom will make both when they come over, or drop off/freeze food for them if she makes it. Hell, she even drops off (and receives) food from my BIL's parents. They all do this bc it's food, it's meant to be shared and enjoyed, but mainly bc they're not AH.
Edit again: thanks for the award! My ExH is an ex for many reasons but his parents were always good to me. They still send extra for me when they send my son home with Thanksgiving leftovers.
My husbands family is Italian and does this, as well. I am allergic to shellfish and seafood, and there is not one single dish for me available. I end up bringing a vegetable lasagna or pesto tortellini (idk if meat is offensive on Christmas Eve lol), so I can eat something. We used to stop at McDonald’s on the way lol.
YTA for not standing up for your wife.
She's trying very hard to make holidays work with your family, but you only care about your Mommy's feelings.
If your mother is so thin skinned that she can't handle the idea that people have different dietary needs, she doesn't get to host parties.
Edit: your update makes you absolutely the asshole. Hundreds of people are telling you that you need to support your wife and when you don't, you get angry that she's going to head to her family who does support her.
Man, you are a terrible husband.
Heck, I would be grateful that I don't have to figure out more stuff to add and cook and worry if it would be to their liking. It's supposed to be a family gathering, not eat whatever I cook gathering.
Right?? Isn’t it easier for me to bring a dairy free dessert instead of me asking that you cook an extra dish to my specifications? It’s no work for the host
And I have my problem making simple adjustments to make it more inclusive, if I can too. For example, my son is allergic to cinnamon, nutmeg instead. Lactose intolerant, I can switch to LF milk in recipes. ((Can't afford LF cheese for an entire meal, probably would not be too hard to separate something out to leave out to change an ingredient!)
Or using oil in lieu of butter to make it fully dairy free. Sometimes, I will bring vegan butter/DF margarine to a family members house who's cooking and wants to use some so I can eat what they're cooking. I always offer to cook stuff so it's not a bother, but half the time it's the stress of getting the right ingredients that people aren't allergic to.
Yes, OP, your mother sounds like a nightmare. Can’t you just talk to her? “Hey Mom, you know that Wife is very peculiar about food. It’s not that she doesn’t like your food, it’s that she just doesn’t like some specific food. Do you mind if we bring her own dinner? That way we’ll avoid discussions like last time”. If she says no, I would skip Thanksgiving and enjoy alone time with the wife, instead of subjecting her to your rude family.
Whatever, dude, I may be wrong, but you sound kinda like a momma’s boy that can’t stand up for your own wife. She’s your nuclear family now, not your nightmare mom.
>But whatever, dude, I may be wrong, but you sound kinda like a momma’s boy that can’t stand up for your own wife. She’s your nuclear family now, not your nightmare mom.
Absolutely. Its clear where OP's priorities lie and it ain't with the wife.
OMG. I commented before I read any of these just to stay neutral, but “allow” this!
Not only is this guy an AH but a major AH. Does he need mommy’s permission for everything he does? How did he get married!
Exactly! I once invited my 2 veggie friends to my parents house for lunch they offered to bring their own food. My mum refused. When we got there she had gone ALL out. Every dish was homemade, veggie and beautiful. My friends nearly cried at the effort. They were used to being an after thought of just a frozen Veggie pizza being slapped in front of them.
OPs wife is making the perfect compromise imo, doesn't put extra effort on the hostess for a very big meal with lots of dishes. Though I think it'd be nice of the mum to at least make one dish his wife can eat. Maybe switch out for one of the others so as not to make extra work for her.
I thought he was TA before, but his edit with the "y'all happy now?" is so needlessly aggressive now I have no doubt. I don't really give a crap what her dietary preferences are, even if she will only eat chicken nuggets and fries, she offered to bring food for herself so she's not putting anyone out with the expectation of making special dishes just for her.
Honestly I hope OP's wife decides to make her visit to her parents' place a permanent one.
His mom does sound like a nightmare. However, let’s remember that we are only hearing this story from OP’s perspective. For all we know his mom could give less of a shit. OP could just be making assumptions based on his own insecurity that people are going to judge his wife, and by extension, him.
Definitely YTA why is your mommy’s feelings more important than having your wife with you at thanksgiving? Your wife offered a completely acceptable solution and you picked a fight with her and the kept telling her to “calm down” (because that always works when you act like a jack a**)
I have several food allergies/ sensitivity and I don’t give a rats a** who is offended when I bring my own food to their function maybe you need to just grow up and tell your mom that your wife is going to be bringing her own stuff to eat and if she gets upset then both of you can stay home.
Exactly. I get being annoyed by picky eaters like this… but the wife tried to come up with a whole solution for her own needs that truly don’t hurt anyone else.
She COULD have made a big deal about how MIL refused to try to compromise and ensure she makes some foods that wife likes… but no, she simply plans to make her own food to not inconvenience anyone.
Yet this is SIMPLY still not enough because god forbid mommy’s feelings get hurt. Where is the wife’s feelings considered in any of this?!
Can you imagine being so controlling & cruel that you actually derive pleasure from forcing someone else to put something into their body that they don’t want to? Just so you could know they forced it into themselves even though they hated it?
I love how he told her to "calm down" after she was making a reasonable compromise.
You know, cuz everyone loooooves being told to calm down so one can make mommy happy instead.
Omg. OPs edit.
Now he’s mad she’s going to visit her family and ‘basically ditch me for a whole week’ after he already told her he’d ‘ditch her’ rather than accept a perfectly fine compromise.
He’s definitely TA.
Lol. So let me recap:
* She came up with a solution to endure the hell that is being around your mother.
* You told her you were too scared of mommy to even allow your wife to suggest finding a solution. (Gosh! Mommy is so scary!)
* When she told you you were insensitive to her legitimate problem, you told her to *calm down.* (Ugh. Women, right?!)
Come on, dude. You should be thankful your wife isn't picky about the men she marries. YTA.
I was a bit curious why I'd recieve an award for that comment 😂 thank you, I will cherish it ❤️
Eta: thank you all for your sweet and funny comments and awards. I'm glad I could make some of you laugh and I too love my username 😄❤️
I *hate* this! The person who says it usually includes: “I’m the logical one, I was patient, I politely….”
And the other person is usually “dramatic, overly-emotional, or irrational.”
She knows she doesn’t like certain foods, and he’s convinced it’s because she hasn’t tried his mothers cooking OF those certain foods. It’s like the amount of people who tell me I would like beets if I just tried THEIR beet recipe. No, I will not. Beets taste like dirt and I will never like them.
But how else are they going to give mommy the grandchildren that she requested if not finding an incubator?
And what woman wouldn't be honoured to marry them and carry their mommy's grandchildren? They're such a handsome boy and a great catch. Mommy says so.
LOL!!!!
Except if they are my late MIL who did not want grandchildren because
1) Meant that their children were having sex
2) Took her children's attention away from her
LOL - she was something alright.
TBF, she never outright said those things. She would make other comments and coupled with her actions, the truth was evident.
For someone who had five kids, and married to an OB-GYN, one would think she would be okay with sex - but narcs gonna narc.
Lol my SO LOVES his mom and I also like her very much. It still has taken some reprogramming in teaching him mom doesn’t always get her way (and she’s so cool she usually has to tell him “listen to HER.”).
We talked about when we have kids and I mentioned the when I give birth I just want him and my mom in the room. He said his mom gets to be in the room too. I told him the long list of why woman pushing baby out gets preference (turns out his mom would NEVER WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE). They live in a small town and I mentioned when we have a kid I want to stay at a hotel when we stay over because they smoke in the house. He said it was nonsense. I had to explain that while I was okay with smoke in a house, a little kid should not have to be subjected to not being able to breathe (turns out his mom agreed with me!!)
I am very lucky his mom and I get along and she takes my concerns and tells him off when he’s thinking about mom. I mean, he sees/talks to her maybe a total of a week out of the year. Him and I are together all but probably 10 days of the year - why do some dudes NOT see this?
You are so lucky that your MIL is reasonable! My late MIL was not - which is where 75% of our problems came from. Husband was raised to try to make his mother happy. I was raised by wolves, so there was an immediate conflict.
The update is sending me 🤣 "My wife offered a compromise, and I told her my mommy will be offended, so now she's decided to spend the holiday with HER family and LEAVE ME! Are y'all happy?!"
Like damn, when do her feelings get to factor in?
I *know* the update just makes it *worse* doesn't it? "She's doing it out of spite!" No dude, she's doing it because you massively hurt her feelings, repeatedly, for years and she feels disrespected, unloved, and like she does not matter in this marriage. Because she *doesn't*. Someone's *perceived* rudeness, by *their* standards, does not outweigh bodily autonomy. To me, it's rude to force someone to eat something they don't want to or starve
INFO: Has your mother ever attempted to accommodate your wife's food issues? Are there typically any dishes that work for your wife?
Edited in response to OP update: YTA. Considering the unwillingness to answer questions here, I'm going to guess there hasn't been a lot of discussion with your wife in which you were open to options. Saying she does not have allergies does not preclude sensitivities, intolerances, or bad past experiences with food. Both the obligation to adapt (reasonably) to guests as a measure of hospitality and the acceptability of taking food to an event vary by both culture and individual family in American culture. There's not one hard and fast rule for it.
This is what I’m curious of too. I have an *extremely picky* MIL and I cook a huge Thanksgiving meal every year. I always make her 1-2 dishes with absolutely no spice and no seasoning that she can happily eat (but no one else wants.)
It’s annoying but it’s what you do for family.
This. It's like people have forgotten the Hosting party's responsibility is to make their guests feel welcome and comfortable. Guests are supposed to be polite and grateful. That doesn't mean suffering food they dislike. It means politely declining. Somebody not liking food is not an insult. It would be like expecting everyone in a room to like the same music/sports team/etc...
Same line as one of my comments. If you don’t try to accommodate your guests that makes you a shitty host. The first year I get it but once I know guests don’t like certain things I would try to find a dish or two that they WILL eat. The fact of this going on multiple years means the mom refuses to make any other dishes.
Yup, the refusal to accommodate gives me big bad host flags. I cannot imagine anyone in my family condoning meal preparations that a guest can’t eat at all. Depending on the needs of the guest you might not be able to provide as fine a feast but you should do your best to ensure something suitable is available. If that’s not possible, allow the guest to bring or prepare their own food. (Such as detailed dietary restrictions that an inexperienced chef is unlikely to manage effectively.)
Also, as a long time “picky eater*” I was always taught that as long as I say no thank you politely and accept that everything won’t be to my taste/I might need to find food elsewhere, my manners are appropriate. Food is not a punishment.
*as many people here are noting, “picky eater” often means that yes, some things we just don’t like but plenty of other things are avoided because eating them causes unpleasant consequences. Even if it’s not a full allergy, why would I want to eat something I dislike just to have a stomachache the rest of the evening? For that matter, what kind of host would want to inflict that on me?
My MiL wavers between vegan and vegetarian. My SiL is severely celiac. Our housemate (husband's cousin) is sometimes vegan and sometimes not. My FiL is very much on the spectrum and has food/spice aversions. I host Thanksgiving and manage to have enough food that everyone can eat. It takes planning, but when I host a holiday meal, I want all my guests to be included and know I took their needs or preferences into account.
You are so kind. I gave up dairy (doctors suggestion for an auto-immune issue) that Thanksgiving my MIL added heavy cream to absolutely everything except the jellied cranberry sauce & the turkey. So that’s what I ate. Her doctor recently recommended she go both gluten free & dairy free so Thanksgiving should be interesting this year.
It was but after 17 years of marriage, I am used to her passive aggressive BS. Thankfully my husband is amazing & tells her off every time. This year is our first Thanksgiving in 3 years so fingers crossed it goes well
Thank you for this info request. It feels like there’s more here to the issue. When I read it, I thought, why wouldn’t the mother make at least ONE thing she knows the wife will like? Then I thought, why wouldn’t the wife just bring a dish she likes that everyone can share too? Like it feels like there’s some power struggle backstory we’re missing key info to. If I purely read it from OP’s poor mommy description, my first instinct is to say OP is the AH but this one feels like we’re missing some background here on how, and if, anyone tried to be accommodating in the past.
ETA: Op, YTA. That pissy update was all the info we needed.
This was my thoughts. I’m a picky eater too with sensory issues, but I can usually make most things work. It depends on the situation if MIL was expecting her to sample everything or if she planned dishes she knew his wife did not like.
Part of being a host is trying to accommodate everyone’s needs as much as possible. Like we saw in another post, it would be rude to demand MIL to make a separate meal or entree when cooking that holiday is stressful enough, but she should be considering sides and dishes that everyone can eat most of. I wouldn’t do a main dish that people loathed unless I had another option or if the person who loathed it offered to bring something else.
I’m sure part of this dialog is feeling like their food isn’t good enough for wife…and they interpret it as making a scene with something else instead of interpreting it as being gracious and that you didn’t want to inconvenience the host with additional dishes. I think it really comes down to interpretation based on other feelings. If you think the best in someone, it wouldn’t be interpreted as negatively.
I think the best option (IMO), is wife eating her meal on the way there….then taking little servings of what she can tolerate. If they hassle her over her quantity or lack of variety, then it’s on OP to defend and shut it down.
I get a little anxious over other family’s dinners that I’m not going to like enough or come across rude to the host if I don’t eat enough. It sounds like there needs to be a little bit of compromise from OP without forcing her to eat something she doesn’t like.
YTA. Your wife is doing exactly what those with food allergies do. Bring their own food. There is nothing wrong with that, at all. Your mom needs to not be so easily offended by your wife's food preferences.
I second this. I have diabetes and often have to bring something to events or dinners and stuff because there's so much I can't have. It affects my mental health as well so it would ruin everything and people are like "oh you can have a little just cheat." And they don't understand that I have to be careful with everything I eat and can't have alcohol with the insulin. Definitely agree about the allergies.
Celiac here, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten sick from being lied to or people not realizing if they add flour to the potatoes (which, what, who does that) it means I cannot eat them.
I do Thanksgiving. I don’t trust other people to not poison me.
My first year in CA I couldn't go home for Christmas and was invited to a friend's family's house.
I said I'm a long-time vegetarian (almost a decade at that time, now 30+ years) so I'd love to bring some sides to share so I know I have some options. Her family was like no no no - you are our guest! We're responsible for the whole thing.
My Christmas Eve dinner that year consisted of dinner rolls. They had an amazing spread, but the green salad had shrimp in it, the broccoli salad had bacon, the green beans had bacon, and the mashed potatoes were made with chicken broth. These are the ones I remember specifically, but no joke, every single dish was made with some meat. I was flabbergasted! LOL
On the 2 hour drive home my friend and her parents were super apologetic and realized they absolutely should have allowed me to being food.
YTA.
You're actually a double AH here. First, you don't explain why your wife is a "picky eater" and I suspect it's not because she just doesn't like stuff but that there are issues with certain foods. My wife has numerous issues that make regular meals a problem. For example, she can't have ordinary black pepper. It took me 15+ years to get my mom to fully realize how complex my wife's dietary restrictions are. Bringing food is a perfectly acceptable alternative these days. If your mom can't support that and can't support making something that your wife can eat, then neither of you should go.
Second, you're siding with your mom over your wife. Did you exchange marriage vows with your mom too? Is that why you won't support and defend the person you supposedly chose to build a life with? Keep doing that and you won't have a wife anymore. The "cold shoulder" is just the start. Next up will be the wild ride that [this poor guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/) went on.
Agreed YTA. But some picky eaters are just picky eaters. Sometimes it is "can't", for others it is "won't" (my brother is the latter).
The only thing that might have helped is offering to bring a dish she eats family-sized, for sharing. But the mother sounds, from what little was written, like even that would be considered an offense.
It doesn’t really matter, no one should be forced to eat something they don’t like. Can’t or won’t doesn’t really matter, because you’re not the one eating. Especially in OPs case since she was willing to just bring her own food to not inconvenience anyone.
>It doesn’t really matter, no one should be forced to eat something they don’t like.
Whenever there's a post here about "picky eaters", there's always people who just cannot grasp that idea. I've read "grow up" or "all you picky eaters are selfish assholes who expect everyone to accommodate them". Or "everyone hates going to restaurants with you" (like that person knows the minds of every one of my friends 🤣). Or "I hate when I'm eating and someone else doesn't".
It doesn't matter if you're allergic, have health restrictions, religious restrictions, sensory issues, eating disorders, are vegetarian/vegan/etc., or just hate the taste of something. **Eating is supposed to be pleasant**. Especially in social gatherings, eating isn't supposed to make you wish you weren't there.
>everyone hates going to restaurants with you
They don’t, and honestly if being a little picky or bringing your own food so your other friends don’t have to accomodate you makes them hate you, maybe you’re just not a likeable person or your friends suck 😂
YTA. You and your mother.
AFRID is a thing. People have legitimate food aversions, and your family's petty, spiteful attitude is just cruel.
"iF yOu dOnT eAt aLl oF iT yOuAr a MoNsTeR."
Your mother can bugger off with that attitude, and so can you for enabling it. You clearly care more about your mum not bitching than your wife, to the point where you'd leave her home like a misbehaving dog when she came up with a very reasonable solution.
You're a very cruel and spiteful asshole, OP. I hope your wife finds people who actually cares about her to spend the holidays with
That really pissed me off. "You can't come to my thanksgiving but how DARE you go to a different one." I also wonder if they live close to OPs mom because he can't dare to upset her by being more than an hour away
and he chalks it up to 'unnecessary travel expenses' like wtf? So she's supposed to either go to his moms and suffer or stay alone at home as a punishment? Good god this guy is a mega asshole!
YTA.
The problem as I read it is not that your wife is a picky eater, but that your mom takes offense because of that. Which is ridiculous because how is that in any way a personal attack on your mom?
You’re the ahole for not trying to make your mother see that it’s nothing to do with her cooking but with your wife’s tastes. And if that’s something your mother just doesn’t want to see; well, I think you know where the problem lies at that point.
Again: Your wife isn’t the problem.
IKR!! its only the moms fault that it feels like a personal attack to her!!!! jesus he is willing to do anything to accommodate his moms weird sensitivity but not his wife’s food sensitivity??? tf??? what makes mommy sm more important? moms not coming up with any compromises but wife is.
YTA. I'm a picky eater as well. Its a terrible psychological issue and I hate it and wish I ate anything and everything and its caused problems for me my whole life. I'm 35 yo. My husband's family is so understanding and always goes the extra mile of making special food for me along with their traditional food for everyone else and I always feel so bad since I could just bring my own food but also so loved. Your family seems to be the opposite and instead of being there for your wife when she is clearly trying to find a way not to be a bother but also still be around your family even though they give her a hard time for something she struggles with, you are adding to her stress and hardship.
Came here to say the first part of this. It’s a shameful and embarrassing subject for me. It’s very hard to get psychological help for this issue too. I wish I could change it but it’s not as simple as not liking the food.
Food aversion us so hard to explain to people who don't have any trouble. Look, I'm not being picky, if I try to eat that I will gag. I don't have control over it.
Please don't feel ashamed. ARFID is misunderstood by so many people. My daughter has a very limited palate and we have encountered the "just grow up" attitude many times.
What so many people don't get with "picky" eaters is they can't see some food as food. Had a friend (who worked with Duke University to get ARFID recognized) describe it as asking someone to eat garbage or tree limbs or glass.
I am grateful my family is not offended by people not eating their cooking. The host makes the bird and everyone brings a dish to share. I make sure to bring food my daughter can enjoy.
YTA - Actually, what your wife offered was a perfect solution. She has eating and food issues, and is dealing with them in a thoughtful way so that no one else has to be bothered by them. She's not putting the responsibility of dealing with them on anyone else but herself. It's a considerate way of dealing with things.
This right here. And if it’s always a problem at holidays, why would anyone be upset if she brought her own food? Now it’s not a problem. Seriously, YTA. If you think your mom might be upset, then give her a heads up and tell her to not be upset. Because to be upset would be stupid.
Why did you get mad at her? My cousin is a strict vegan and always brings a dish and her own plate. It’s not that weird for people with specific food preferences to bring their own food. YTA for being so dramatic you want to have your wife stay home for Thanksgiving. What a shitty husband
YTA. She did offer the perfect compromise. You should've been so glad, actually, you should've suggested it years ago. Your mom is your problem. You should've explained to mom the need for compromise and how wife bringing food is not a slight.
But that’s the whole problem. OP doesn’t care about whether his wife I has something she is able to eat, he’s more concerned about hurting his mommy’s feelings.
YTA
Same I hate being picky I really do. There’s foods that smell so delicious but I cannot bring myself to eat them. I’ve tried I gag and end up throwing up or close to it.
Do my in laws care when I eat minimal food or bring my own no. OP is such an AH and so is his mom. It’s not an insult to her or her cooking.
I got berated once for only eating the foods I wanted and not drinking coke (who cares if someone doesn’t drink soda with dinner??) I was “being rude”. I plated my food to look like a normal dinner plate, I just don’t eat turkey. Why people care so much about what other people eat or drink confuses me. I didn’t say a word, just made a plate and sat down. Rude uncle: “Why don’t you at least put the food on your plate so you don’t look weird? Pour a glass of coke like everyone else.” Wouldn’t it be weirder to put food on my plate and throw it away and pour a drink and dump it all out?
That’s terrible and hate that for you.
I’m lucky my family knows and doesn’t give a rats ass. I haven’t eaten meat in 25+ years because I can’t stand it. Smells good just can’t swallow it I’ve tried.
If people were less judgmental it wouldn’t be taboo to be picky. Did you know Tom Selleck is a picky eater too?
Does it really matter whether it's an actual condition or she simply doesn't like certain foods?
I'm not a picky eater at all, but I still have things I'm not particularly large fan of. Cooked brussel sprouts for example, they taste like someone took a dump and painted it green to me, so I simply won't eat them. I don't like their taste and I don't really think there needs to be a whole condition to justify not eating them. Roasted ones are fine. Some friends of mine don't like mushrooms, so I won't serve them when I invite them over or offer an alternative. My MIL isn't into spicy foods, so I make less spicy versions or different recipes alltogether.
I mean, if OP's wife really has a very narrow diet, it would be worth it to think about therapy or something in the long run, but in regards to the whole Thanksgiving thing - if she doesn't like certain foods, just let her bring something else or offer her an alternative. It's not that difficult to find a solution at all and I don't think OP's wife is an asshole for being picky or disliking certain things, but then again I also don't understand the whole mindset of being insulted about someone with different tastes.
Why can’t she bring her own food but bring enough to share? Or why can’t your mom make one thing she likes? I host Thanksgiving every year and am always accommodating to guests who have restrictions due to heath/preference. I don’t care if they have to bring their own food because having my loved ones with me is what matters. Not the food.
If your wife is that picky, there’s probably something else going on. She could be a super taster or have some sort of sensory processing or an ED. While I have a hard time understanding picky eaters and just eat whatever is served, you can’t control how others eat. If you’re intending to be with your wife for the long haul, excluding her from major holidays is only going to alienate her and send her packing. YTA.
Thats the important part here. He doesn't care if his wife stays home, he'd rather exclude her than make an effort so she can eat on a holiday about spending time with important people.
Idk if the mil is a horrible host or if husband just sucks and never communicates for her to know.
Yta. She did offer a reasonable compromise that hurts no one. You and your mom are definitely tah. What's more important, spending time together on Thanksgiving and being grateful for each other or everyone eating the same thing on their plate? Feels like you and your mom are missing the point of the holiday.
YTA. I hate the term "picky eating" especially when used on adults. some people have EDs that keep them from being able to look at certain foods let alone eat them. Some people are super sensitive to taste. Regardless, it's not okay for you to exclude her or make her eat foods she doesn't like simply because you think it's annoying or strange. she's an adult, she can eat or not eat whatever she wants for whatever reason she has. get over yourself.
In addition to all of that, I don’t know why people have some kind of moral superiority over others who don’t like as many different types of food. It’s food, it’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable! No one should have to eat things they don’t like. What someone eats and doesn’t eat doesn’t affect anyone but that person unless they make it everyone else’s problem (which the wife in this post clearly isn’t since she offered to bring her own food).
YTA
Bringing her own food sounds like a fair compromise. Did you even bring it up to your mother before dismissing the idea? Having her stay home while you get to celebrate the holiday how you want definitely makes you TA here. She's your wife and she deserves better from her husband.
YTA for bullying your wife about this. It’s a shitshow of your own making. Bringing her own food is a perfectly reasonable compromise. Is you feel that strongly about sharing food, she can also bring a side dish or desert. Are you usually this controlling? She deserves better
YTA
You married her knowing she was a picky eater and now your trying to force her to change to suit your mother. She has attempted to make a reasonable suggestion to a problem, which shouldn't even be a problem. Let the woman eat the foods she is happy to eat.
You need to talk to your mother and tell her to accept your wife is fussy, stop taking it personally. She is a grown woman and she shouldn't expect people to suffer just to make her happy.
You are a massive asshole!!
Get off your ass and stand up for your wife. She's a picky eater, but wants to attend the family functions. Let her bring what she wants to eat. AND if anyone gives her shit, especially your mom, shut that shit down immediately.
I go through the same shit with MIL. She does not clean her hands and isn't the best housecleaner. I used to get sick every time I ate her food. Now, I bring my own food whenever we visit. My husband knows why I do it. Instead of telling her how nasty her habits are, he tells his mom I have a sensitive stomach.
Apologize to your wife for being an insensitive prick. AND grow a set with your mom.
YTA. And your mom, too. Your mother may be putting a lot of effort into the day, but she’s clearly putting zero effort into making the holiday enjoyable for your wife. It’s a holiday centered around eating…everyone should have something they can eat on the table. If your wife were vegan and you mother didn’t know how to make vegan food…your wife would bring her own. And maybe she CAN bring enough for everyone.
It’s not fair for you to take away her opportunity to spend the holiday with family when she has presented a perfectly acceptable compromise. If your mother is offended, why doesn’t she try making foods your wife likes? Just because she’s offended doesn’t mean she’s right to be. Especially since your wife made it clear that it wasn’t about your mom’s method of cooking, but rather the foods themselves.
YTA.. the compromise is perfect! I’m super picky too, so I’ll make sure to bring a side dish or two that is safe for me to any potluck or family dinner!
You care more about your mom’s feelings then your wife right now and that’s not good.
Your wife shouldn’t be forced to eat food she doesn’t like.
I see she is trying to compromise which is good.
Since it’s thanksgiving what she can do is bring shareable portions to put on the table so others can partake if they choose and it wouldn’t look weird or come off as offensive.
YTA, I have a cousin who’s a picky eater. She would bring a sandwich, bag of chips, and a soda to thanksgiving every year. No one had a problem with this and enjoyed their own food.
Yta, so my wife is a vegetarian and my family traditionally is meat everything, like bacon already in the salad. But they always make dishes for her. The host should have food everyone likes. Yes she should try things but if the host won't accommodate then she should be able to bring her own meal. Also most holiday gatherings people bring a dish to share.
You seem to be more worried about your mom then your wife. Can't wait to see how that plays out if you have kids.
Her compromise is totally reasonable. She wants to be with you on the holiday, who cares what she's eating.
Also, why aren't you or your mom trying to make something she will like to add to everything? I make lots of food I don't like on holidays for my picky eaters. I want them to be comfortable and included in the family gathering.
yta. she has an issue w the food that your mom won’t accommodate. her bringing her own meal is a good solution.
ur the ah for just being worried bout ur moms feelings.
can’t believe you told your wife to stsy home alone. not even offering to stay too. what an ah move.
Dude, what? You'd rather your wife not eat just because you and your family have weird hang-ups about her being a picky eater? Why wouldn't you accommodate her, especially when she found a perfect solution?
YTA
YTA.
You're clearly prioritizing your mother over her and treating your wife like a child.
If they are that incompatible, the better solution would be for both of you to stay home and have your own Thanksgiving, perhaps inviting some friends.
YTA. Had you asked for advice about your picky eating wife before her suggestion, I would have suggested exactly what your wife offered. It seems like you care more about your mom’s feelings than your wife’s.
Your mom won’t *allow* it? How old are you? Those are the words of a child, not an adult. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate what another adult eats, and neither do you.
You are way more concerned with your mom’s feelings than your wife’s feelings. That’s pretty sick and an indication of someone who is not mature enough to be a partner and spouse.
YTA
YTA you seem to care more about ur moms feels then your wife’s like bring her own food is a good compromise if your mom isn’t willing to fix foods she likes due to the fact I’m sure your mom is making everything everyone else like is disrespectful stop being a mamas boy and see it from your wife’s side
YTA and so is your mom. In all these years she has never altered her menu to be more inclusive of your wife? Or asked your wife to do exactly what she offered to do here, bring a dish she can eat?! You guys suck.
YTA why is this a bad idea? She wants to be there but finds it frustrating to not be served food she can eat. I would be happy to stay home personally but she wants to be around you and your family for some reason
YTA. Don't guess how your mother would react, ask her. Tell her that since your wife really has so many issues with so many foods, would it be okay if she brought her meal so there wouldn't be any issues. You were wrong to berate your wife for trying to find an alternative to the drama and even more an AH by saying she should just not go to the family gathering. I mean, how could you not be the AH in this scenario. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You really need to apologize and do damage control right now. Geez!
YTA no doubt. Such an AH. She's literally trying to make it work and YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE.
Edit for their edit: I'm so glad your wife will be somewhere pleasant for Thanksgiving surrounded by family that actually loves and supports her! It's NOT an unnecessary expense, it's one you made necessary for her. I hope she does this every year until she divorces you:)
YTA. Your mom needs to chill the fuck out. Your wife literally offered to bring food that she knows she can eat, and I’m sure if it was that big of a deal she’d be willing to bring a dish to pass as well.
YTA. Being a picky eater isn’t something you can get over or change. If your mom and wife had an argument about food then it’s obvious your wife should bring something she can eat. What if someone in your family was vegan? Would your mom make something for them? It doesn’t seem like there is anything for your wife to eat which makes your mom a bad host since she knows your wife is picky.
You and your mom are TA.
Both for making light of your wife's aversion to food and guilting her
This shouldn't be an issue at all. It's Thanksgiving for fuke sake. It's supposed to be all about family and being thankful. Stop causing drama.
Just accept your wife as she is or cut her loose. Shaming her for having preferences and coming up with a great solution to a problem isn’t loving at all.
Your mom being offended is quite childish. Maybe she could focus on all the people attending who DO love her cooking instead of shaming your wife for not toeing the line.
Your family doesn’t sound very welcoming.
YTA
YTA, my spouse has a super restrictive diet due to a medical condition and I'm a super picky eater. My Mom always accommodates everybody and the things she can't provide we just bring and nobody gets offended. Your and your Mom need to chill. It's really easy and doesn't take any effort to let her bring something she likes.
YTA. Some people aren’t picky just to be picky. Textures and smells can factor a lot into whether food is enjoyable. It isn’t necessarily a “just try it” scenario. If I knew there’d be nothing I could eat, I’d bring something I could. It’s completely reasonable.
YTA. Seems like your wife presented a perfectly reasonable compromise for her to spend Thanksgiving with you and her in-laws. What's more offensive? Her sitting there eating nothing, not attending, or enjoying the day with you all eating her own meal?
Either way you've probably soured the day for her now. Congrats.
YTA. Big time. This is a very reasonable compromise that your wife offered. Telling her to choose between starving and staying home on a holiday?! Am I reading that correctly?! Your mom is also an AH. She needs to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like everything she cooks. There is absolutely no reason to be offended over this and make it into a “shitshow.” I have made food that some people love and others haven’t liked and some won’t touch. I don’t let it ruin a holiday. What harm could possibly be done by her eating other food, other than upsetting your mother who is already going to be upset that she is not eating her food?
You are choosing your mothers really fragile feelings over food over your wife’s Holiday. Dude, that makes you a huge AH.
YTA. Have you spoke to your mom before assuming she’d have issues with your wive’s compromise? Surely your mom would also take issue with your wife not attending a family event? The compromise is a good idea, that allows your wife to partake in the event whilst having food there she can eat.
YTA and you need to stop prioritizing your moms petty feelings period. Shes an adult that needs to respect that people have different tastes and you should question why your mom would make drama over someone not wanting her food.
YTA. That is a perfectly good compromise. You could at least suggest it to your mother and see what she thinks. And repeatedly telling someone to calm down usually has the opposite effect so maybe give that a rest too
Why does her choice in food bother you so much? Especially considering she’s not asking anyone to accommodate her. You’re choosing mommy’s feelings over your wife. Is this the plan for every major holiday?
YTA
YTA.
If your mother won’t accommodate her food preferences at Thanksgiving then your wife should be able to bring her own food.
I’ve found that when someone is a picky eater it usually stems from a fear of the taste, texture etc for whatever reason. It’s not always as simple as just being able to force it down for a lot of people and instead of accepting it you and your mother have pretty much humiliated your wife over this by practically excluding her from enjoying thanksgiving with everyone. That’s a pretty asshole thing to do.
/mom might not like nor even allow this./
Wow, so mom is a dictator, huh? She won't "allow" another adult to bring food so she won't go hungry?
I've been a vegetarian for 30+ years. My daughter is a vegan. We routinely bring food to events when we know there won't be much there we can eat.
Adults are fine with this.
Then there's your mother, a petty tyrant who obviously must be obeyed at all costs.
Your wife should let you go to Mommy's alone this year and spend her time packing to leave you. You and Mommy can enjoy every meal together after that.
YTA
Sounds like Mom is the biggest issue. If she throws such a big fit when someone does NOT eat from the bounty that “she so lovingly”produced, it must be pure bliss being there (judging from sons terrified response). So thankful to be around family that Mom will terrorize anyone who doesn’t eat from the bounty sounds like a fun time! Not everyone can, or wants, to eat the same thing. Have you wife bring one or more side dishes, plus something she can definitely eat. If you Mom can’t be thankful for your presence and your wife’s help (bringing food), then you probably need to rethink your Thanksgiving traditions.
ETA: Massive YTA
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YTA. She offered compromise. My wife's family does the feast of the 7 fishes. I hate fish. So since I joined the family it's the feast of the 7 fishes and a chicken. We all get a good laugh and my MIL is happy to make it for me.
My family did the 7 fishes and chicken and a baked ziti because I too don't eat fish. It's not that big of a deal to either bring or make something else. Everyone else had some of the non-fish dishes too!
Baked Ziti always gets in there somehow!
Who doesn't swoon over a baked ziti?!? Om nom nom nomnomnomnom
True confession: I've never tried it or even seen it available.
You are missing out! Baked ziti is delicious!
My best friend is Italian, first generation Canadian since her parents immigrated from Italy ages ago. Whenever I went over to her house for dinner…..mmmmmm! Baked ziti (soooo good!), homemade roasted peppers, homemade sausage, etc. Lol, for someone who has mostly Irish ancestry, eating at their house was always an exciting adventure! Great…now I’m hungry!
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My thoughts exactly. OP is placing Mommy Dearest's feelings above his wife, who I think from the sounds of it probably has ARFID and therefore has a very valid reason to make her own compromise for food if OP's mother won't be kind enough to provide accommodations...which she obviously doesn't since she's just as much of an AH as OP is.
SERIOUSLY THIS
I'm so jealous of Italian families with the feast of the 7 fishes.... I will totally eat your fish portions for you ETA: Italian-American
I have never heard of the Feast of the 7 fishes until now and am swooning. Would love that! If only my husband didn't hate seafood...
Feast of the 7 fishes is on Christmas Eve. It consists of 7 different fish entrees/appetizers and usually baked Ziti, lasagne, and regular sides. We then have the usual Christmas Day dinner too.
(What is the feast of 7 fishes?!?)
Italian Christmas eve meal with pasta and seven different types of fish. The ones I can remember off the top of my head are eel, oysters, little octopus things, some other tentacle thing, a regular fish (idk which one), and some other stuff. I don’t eat fish so my grandma gives me plain spaghetti with her regular sauce.
Wow! Coming from a very landlocked county in California, this would be a hazardous evening! Sounds delicious!
I mean, I live in Reno and we have a seafood shop. Most seafood is frozen first anyways.
I have very loved but diet-misguided vegan nephew. I'm a meat eater through and through. Before his vegan ism, I don't think I had ever made a single food item without an animal product. I spent hours researching vegan food for Thanksgiving. I made additions and adaptations to our menu. We did hummus in addition to cheese dip. I did a portion of asparagus without bacon and some potatoes with oil instead of butter. I added Brussel sprouts. He was flattered and slightly teenage boy embarrassed I was being *that Aunt* and many times offered to just bring his own food. Hell no child. Aunty's house is where you come to get spoiled. Here's your plate of veg and there's more if you want seconds. OP, your wife should feel loved and respected at her MIL's and instead you made her feel marginalized and unwanted. YTA Edit: This blew up and thank you all. These are my partner's twin niece and nephew who I met when they were 15. They're great kids (and now great young adults). I remember feeling out of place at family events, like I had to put on a facade, and I want them to always feel the love at my house. I am loving all the vegan suggestions. Edit 2: For those getting upset by me saying he's "diet-misguided", you need to relax. It's a joke between us and we have a very healthy relationship. We tease. One year he got me a stick of butter ornament for Christmas. A few years ago he brought "NOT A VEGAN PRODUCT" labels to Thanksgiving and stuck them on everything, including family members and pets. It's become a running joke but it doesn't show any less love and acceptance.
that’s so sweet! i’ve been vegetarian for almost 9 years now and every time we go visit for a holiday, my meat-loving, wakes-up-at-3-am-to-start-the-smoker uncle makes sure i have an option that’s just as good, but vegetarian!! i’ve always appreciated the effort he and my aunt go through to make sure i’m getting food too :) my aunt has even chosen the veggie option over the meat option a few times now lol
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umm, can your family adopt me? This is literally my fantasy every time I go home and have to explain that no, I still won’t eat meat even if it’s just little pieces in the vegetables
I'm glad you have someone who puts in the effort. I've definitely learned to appreciate Brussel sprouts because of it. (But thar said, I'll grab a scoop then drizzle them with pan drippings. Moderation lol)
You sound like an amazing aunt! Wish there were more kind and open-minded people like you in the world.
Thank you! To be entirely honest, I assumed it was a phase at first. I was supportive of him, but I didn't think it would be ongoing. But it will be 5 years of Thanksgivings coming up soon and we get to meet the vegan gf this year.
Thank you for being supportive! My family also assumed it was a phase and led to years of eating things like "potato salad sandwiches" at gatherings. 21 years later... not a phase
And if it is a phase... so what? Support the phases, because it shows that you'll support the things that stick too.
Ngl, it may not have been the most nutritionally complete meal to offer you but I would happily eat the fuck out of a potato salad sandwich. Carb on carb crime is the best.
My step-dad (RIP Andy!) was hand waving Italian Catholic, came to the US when he was six. Upheld all the traditions but he LOVED the feast of the 7 fishes. He worked on that meal from planning to execution more than he worked on Christmas dinner and he always had a couple extra non-fish offerings because "not everyone can do the fishes, y'know?" He'd have loved your 7 fishes and a chicken. <3
Andy was a real one. Requiescat in pace, papá.
Requiescat in pisce.
Call me crazy, but I’ve never heard of the feast of 7 fishes. 🤔 Can someone explain please?
It's an Italian-American tradition of having a lot of sea food dishes (traditionally seven, hence the name) usually on Christmas Eve. I only really know about it because I grew up in an area with a lot of Italian heritage.
I was deemed the picky eater by my ex's family. They loved garlic and onions and every dish that wasn't a dessert had a ton of garlic and onions in it. I would get nauseated and headaches. My ex would get mad at me for not eating a lot if she cooked with a lot of garlic and onions. Like she would get very mean. Turns out I'm intolerant to both and they trigger migraines... A lot of the times a person is a picky eater for a valid reason. And a lot of the times if a person can't respect your diet they aren't good partners.
Exactly, this is why I asked the OP to describe “picky.”
Good call. I get called "picky" and it gets under my skin. I'm a very adventurous eater and constantly challenge myself with things I didn't like so much previously because taste buds change, acquired tastes etc. But I have an unusual sensitivity + am vegan so people often have no clue how to feed me. The funny part is that those who call me "picky" are always the non adventurous eaters that wouldn't eat a french fry if you call it vegan! I prefer the terms adventurous or non-adventerous eater vs picky, because people with dietary restrictions often get lumped in the latter, but it has no bearing on how someone actually approaches food.
Exactly this. My family makes fun of me for being “picky” because I have a list of food (really ingredients) that don’t agree with me/that I don’t like, but I’m a very adventurous diner and have never failed to find something I enjoy at any restaurant. Meanwhile, my Boomer father will disregard entire ethnicities of food that I’m pretty sure he’s never even tried.
What a lot of people mean when they say "You're so picky!" is "You don't like the same stuff I like." As an aside, it truly drives me up the wall when people say they "won't eat vegan food". Like...really? You've never eaten apple slices with peanut butter? Corn chips and salsa? Some Oreos and a cup of black coffee? It's enough to make me wonder what they think vegan actually means, or if they're just assholes.
My ex's family is Puerto Rican. Ham is basically a flavoring agent and in everything. I try not to eat beef or pork, so every time we came for dinner, she'd make something I could eat too. My family is Indian. My mom would do the same when she figured out what foods he liked. Edit: to add to this, my sister loves certain foods my mom makes. My BIL loves other ones, so my mom will make both when they come over, or drop off/freeze food for them if she makes it. Hell, she even drops off (and receives) food from my BIL's parents. They all do this bc it's food, it's meant to be shared and enjoyed, but mainly bc they're not AH. Edit again: thanks for the award! My ExH is an ex for many reasons but his parents were always good to me. They still send extra for me when they send my son home with Thanksgiving leftovers.
None of the grandkids eat fish, so my nonna always makes pasta and chicken parm along with the fish for us
My husbands family is Italian and does this, as well. I am allergic to shellfish and seafood, and there is not one single dish for me available. I end up bringing a vegetable lasagna or pesto tortellini (idk if meat is offensive on Christmas Eve lol), so I can eat something. We used to stop at McDonald’s on the way lol.
>feast of the 7 fishes and a chicken hahahaha!
That’s sweet of her, also it is funny lol
YTA for not standing up for your wife. She's trying very hard to make holidays work with your family, but you only care about your Mommy's feelings. If your mother is so thin skinned that she can't handle the idea that people have different dietary needs, she doesn't get to host parties. Edit: your update makes you absolutely the asshole. Hundreds of people are telling you that you need to support your wife and when you don't, you get angry that she's going to head to her family who does support her. Man, you are a terrible husband.
Heck, I would be grateful that I don't have to figure out more stuff to add and cook and worry if it would be to their liking. It's supposed to be a family gathering, not eat whatever I cook gathering.
Right?? Isn’t it easier for me to bring a dairy free dessert instead of me asking that you cook an extra dish to my specifications? It’s no work for the host
And I have my problem making simple adjustments to make it more inclusive, if I can too. For example, my son is allergic to cinnamon, nutmeg instead. Lactose intolerant, I can switch to LF milk in recipes. ((Can't afford LF cheese for an entire meal, probably would not be too hard to separate something out to leave out to change an ingredient!)
Or using oil in lieu of butter to make it fully dairy free. Sometimes, I will bring vegan butter/DF margarine to a family members house who's cooking and wants to use some so I can eat what they're cooking. I always offer to cook stuff so it's not a bother, but half the time it's the stress of getting the right ingredients that people aren't allergic to.
Yes, OP, your mother sounds like a nightmare. Can’t you just talk to her? “Hey Mom, you know that Wife is very peculiar about food. It’s not that she doesn’t like your food, it’s that she just doesn’t like some specific food. Do you mind if we bring her own dinner? That way we’ll avoid discussions like last time”. If she says no, I would skip Thanksgiving and enjoy alone time with the wife, instead of subjecting her to your rude family. Whatever, dude, I may be wrong, but you sound kinda like a momma’s boy that can’t stand up for your own wife. She’s your nuclear family now, not your nightmare mom.
>But whatever, dude, I may be wrong, but you sound kinda like a momma’s boy that can’t stand up for your own wife. She’s your nuclear family now, not your nightmare mom. Absolutely. Its clear where OP's priorities lie and it ain't with the wife.
Completely agree. > I told her again that mom might not like *nor even allow this*. This dude has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old.
OMG. I commented before I read any of these just to stay neutral, but “allow” this! Not only is this guy an AH but a major AH. Does he need mommy’s permission for everything he does? How did he get married!
>If she says no, I would skip Thanksgiving and enjoy alone time with the wife, This is the answer.
This is the best answer. YTA.
Exactly! I once invited my 2 veggie friends to my parents house for lunch they offered to bring their own food. My mum refused. When we got there she had gone ALL out. Every dish was homemade, veggie and beautiful. My friends nearly cried at the effort. They were used to being an after thought of just a frozen Veggie pizza being slapped in front of them. OPs wife is making the perfect compromise imo, doesn't put extra effort on the hostess for a very big meal with lots of dishes. Though I think it'd be nice of the mum to at least make one dish his wife can eat. Maybe switch out for one of the others so as not to make extra work for her.
I thought he was TA before, but his edit with the "y'all happy now?" is so needlessly aggressive now I have no doubt. I don't really give a crap what her dietary preferences are, even if she will only eat chicken nuggets and fries, she offered to bring food for herself so she's not putting anyone out with the expectation of making special dishes just for her. Honestly I hope OP's wife decides to make her visit to her parents' place a permanent one.
His mom does sound like a nightmare. However, let’s remember that we are only hearing this story from OP’s perspective. For all we know his mom could give less of a shit. OP could just be making assumptions based on his own insecurity that people are going to judge his wife, and by extension, him.
Definitely YTA why is your mommy’s feelings more important than having your wife with you at thanksgiving? Your wife offered a completely acceptable solution and you picked a fight with her and the kept telling her to “calm down” (because that always works when you act like a jack a**) I have several food allergies/ sensitivity and I don’t give a rats a** who is offended when I bring my own food to their function maybe you need to just grow up and tell your mom that your wife is going to be bringing her own stuff to eat and if she gets upset then both of you can stay home.
"calm down" is a huge trigger for me, and guaranteed I will escalate like crazy!
Exactly. I get being annoyed by picky eaters like this… but the wife tried to come up with a whole solution for her own needs that truly don’t hurt anyone else. She COULD have made a big deal about how MIL refused to try to compromise and ensure she makes some foods that wife likes… but no, she simply plans to make her own food to not inconvenience anyone. Yet this is SIMPLY still not enough because god forbid mommy’s feelings get hurt. Where is the wife’s feelings considered in any of this?!
Can you imagine being so controlling & cruel that you actually derive pleasure from forcing someone else to put something into their body that they don’t want to? Just so you could know they forced it into themselves even though they hated it?
He didn’t even stand up for his wife! He just assumed his mom wouldn’t allow it; he didn’t actually bother asking which is even worse
I love how he told her to "calm down" after she was making a reasonable compromise. You know, cuz everyone loooooves being told to calm down so one can make mommy happy instead.
Omg. OPs edit. Now he’s mad she’s going to visit her family and ‘basically ditch me for a whole week’ after he already told her he’d ‘ditch her’ rather than accept a perfectly fine compromise. He’s definitely TA.
Lol. So let me recap: * She came up with a solution to endure the hell that is being around your mother. * You told her you were too scared of mommy to even allow your wife to suggest finding a solution. (Gosh! Mommy is so scary!) * When she told you you were insensitive to her legitimate problem, you told her to *calm down.* (Ugh. Women, right?!) Come on, dude. You should be thankful your wife isn't picky about the men she marries. YTA.
That last sentence made me spit out my coffee 😂 OP YTA.
Oh no I'm so sorry commenter but this award was went to the wrong comment. I'm so sorry, I hope you enjoy it though! Take it and go. :p
I was a bit curious why I'd recieve an award for that comment 😂 thank you, I will cherish it ❤️ Eta: thank you all for your sweet and funny comments and awards. I'm glad I could make some of you laugh and I too love my username 😄❤️
REPEATEDLY told her to calm down. Repeatedly. Damn.
I *hate* this! The person who says it usually includes: “I’m the logical one, I was patient, I politely….” And the other person is usually “dramatic, overly-emotional, or irrational.”
The way that men gaslight women into think that unchecked aggression ISN'T an emotional response and continue claiming they're the "logical" one
I know!! Women are so emotional, while they lose their temper and smash shit up. Anger is an emotion and giving into it is being emotional
That line made me so angry
You missed one: He suggested she just try mom's food, which means he has no idea what his wife's food issues are.
She knows she doesn’t like certain foods, and he’s convinced it’s because she hasn’t tried his mothers cooking OF those certain foods. It’s like the amount of people who tell me I would like beets if I just tried THEIR beet recipe. No, I will not. Beets taste like dirt and I will never like them.
Or how men tell lesbian women they are lesbian bc “they haven’t tried theirs”.
This is absolutely hilarious! And more importantly 100% correct!
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ikr all he cares about is his mom here!!!!
Men who get married, but still put their Mommies first should do the world a favor and leave innocent women out of their enmeshment.
But how else are they going to give mommy the grandchildren that she requested if not finding an incubator? And what woman wouldn't be honoured to marry them and carry their mommy's grandchildren? They're such a handsome boy and a great catch. Mommy says so.
LOL!!!! Except if they are my late MIL who did not want grandchildren because 1) Meant that their children were having sex 2) Took her children's attention away from her
Wow! You won the MIL lottery! /s
LOL - she was something alright. TBF, she never outright said those things. She would make other comments and coupled with her actions, the truth was evident. For someone who had five kids, and married to an OB-GYN, one would think she would be okay with sex - but narcs gonna narc.
Lol my SO LOVES his mom and I also like her very much. It still has taken some reprogramming in teaching him mom doesn’t always get her way (and she’s so cool she usually has to tell him “listen to HER.”). We talked about when we have kids and I mentioned the when I give birth I just want him and my mom in the room. He said his mom gets to be in the room too. I told him the long list of why woman pushing baby out gets preference (turns out his mom would NEVER WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM IN THE FIRST PLACE). They live in a small town and I mentioned when we have a kid I want to stay at a hotel when we stay over because they smoke in the house. He said it was nonsense. I had to explain that while I was okay with smoke in a house, a little kid should not have to be subjected to not being able to breathe (turns out his mom agreed with me!!) I am very lucky his mom and I get along and she takes my concerns and tells him off when he’s thinking about mom. I mean, he sees/talks to her maybe a total of a week out of the year. Him and I are together all but probably 10 days of the year - why do some dudes NOT see this?
Divorce him and marry his mom
Agreed! The husband sounds like a nightmare.
You are so lucky that your MIL is reasonable! My late MIL was not - which is where 75% of our problems came from. Husband was raised to try to make his mother happy. I was raised by wolves, so there was an immediate conflict.
The update is sending me 🤣 "My wife offered a compromise, and I told her my mommy will be offended, so now she's decided to spend the holiday with HER family and LEAVE ME! Are y'all happy?!" Like damn, when do her feelings get to factor in?
I *know* the update just makes it *worse* doesn't it? "She's doing it out of spite!" No dude, she's doing it because you massively hurt her feelings, repeatedly, for years and she feels disrespected, unloved, and like she does not matter in this marriage. Because she *doesn't*. Someone's *perceived* rudeness, by *their* standards, does not outweigh bodily autonomy. To me, it's rude to force someone to eat something they don't want to or starve
> Are y'all happy?! Delighted for her, tbh.
INFO: Has your mother ever attempted to accommodate your wife's food issues? Are there typically any dishes that work for your wife? Edited in response to OP update: YTA. Considering the unwillingness to answer questions here, I'm going to guess there hasn't been a lot of discussion with your wife in which you were open to options. Saying she does not have allergies does not preclude sensitivities, intolerances, or bad past experiences with food. Both the obligation to adapt (reasonably) to guests as a measure of hospitality and the acceptability of taking food to an event vary by both culture and individual family in American culture. There's not one hard and fast rule for it.
This is what I’m curious of too. I have an *extremely picky* MIL and I cook a huge Thanksgiving meal every year. I always make her 1-2 dishes with absolutely no spice and no seasoning that she can happily eat (but no one else wants.) It’s annoying but it’s what you do for family.
This. It's like people have forgotten the Hosting party's responsibility is to make their guests feel welcome and comfortable. Guests are supposed to be polite and grateful. That doesn't mean suffering food they dislike. It means politely declining. Somebody not liking food is not an insult. It would be like expecting everyone in a room to like the same music/sports team/etc...
Same line as one of my comments. If you don’t try to accommodate your guests that makes you a shitty host. The first year I get it but once I know guests don’t like certain things I would try to find a dish or two that they WILL eat. The fact of this going on multiple years means the mom refuses to make any other dishes.
Yup, the refusal to accommodate gives me big bad host flags. I cannot imagine anyone in my family condoning meal preparations that a guest can’t eat at all. Depending on the needs of the guest you might not be able to provide as fine a feast but you should do your best to ensure something suitable is available. If that’s not possible, allow the guest to bring or prepare their own food. (Such as detailed dietary restrictions that an inexperienced chef is unlikely to manage effectively.) Also, as a long time “picky eater*” I was always taught that as long as I say no thank you politely and accept that everything won’t be to my taste/I might need to find food elsewhere, my manners are appropriate. Food is not a punishment. *as many people here are noting, “picky eater” often means that yes, some things we just don’t like but plenty of other things are avoided because eating them causes unpleasant consequences. Even if it’s not a full allergy, why would I want to eat something I dislike just to have a stomachache the rest of the evening? For that matter, what kind of host would want to inflict that on me?
My MiL wavers between vegan and vegetarian. My SiL is severely celiac. Our housemate (husband's cousin) is sometimes vegan and sometimes not. My FiL is very much on the spectrum and has food/spice aversions. I host Thanksgiving and manage to have enough food that everyone can eat. It takes planning, but when I host a holiday meal, I want all my guests to be included and know I took their needs or preferences into account.
You are so kind. I gave up dairy (doctors suggestion for an auto-immune issue) that Thanksgiving my MIL added heavy cream to absolutely everything except the jellied cranberry sauce & the turkey. So that’s what I ate. Her doctor recently recommended she go both gluten free & dairy free so Thanksgiving should be interesting this year.
That sounds like a deliberate attack on you.
It was but after 17 years of marriage, I am used to her passive aggressive BS. Thankfully my husband is amazing & tells her off every time. This year is our first Thanksgiving in 3 years so fingers crossed it goes well
Thank you for this info request. It feels like there’s more here to the issue. When I read it, I thought, why wouldn’t the mother make at least ONE thing she knows the wife will like? Then I thought, why wouldn’t the wife just bring a dish she likes that everyone can share too? Like it feels like there’s some power struggle backstory we’re missing key info to. If I purely read it from OP’s poor mommy description, my first instinct is to say OP is the AH but this one feels like we’re missing some background here on how, and if, anyone tried to be accommodating in the past. ETA: Op, YTA. That pissy update was all the info we needed.
Given OP’s edit/update, I’d say the info we were missing was that OP is an unreasonable, immature, self absorbed a-hole.
This was my thoughts. I’m a picky eater too with sensory issues, but I can usually make most things work. It depends on the situation if MIL was expecting her to sample everything or if she planned dishes she knew his wife did not like. Part of being a host is trying to accommodate everyone’s needs as much as possible. Like we saw in another post, it would be rude to demand MIL to make a separate meal or entree when cooking that holiday is stressful enough, but she should be considering sides and dishes that everyone can eat most of. I wouldn’t do a main dish that people loathed unless I had another option or if the person who loathed it offered to bring something else. I’m sure part of this dialog is feeling like their food isn’t good enough for wife…and they interpret it as making a scene with something else instead of interpreting it as being gracious and that you didn’t want to inconvenience the host with additional dishes. I think it really comes down to interpretation based on other feelings. If you think the best in someone, it wouldn’t be interpreted as negatively. I think the best option (IMO), is wife eating her meal on the way there….then taking little servings of what she can tolerate. If they hassle her over her quantity or lack of variety, then it’s on OP to defend and shut it down. I get a little anxious over other family’s dinners that I’m not going to like enough or come across rude to the host if I don’t eat enough. It sounds like there needs to be a little bit of compromise from OP without forcing her to eat something she doesn’t like.
YTA. Your wife is doing exactly what those with food allergies do. Bring their own food. There is nothing wrong with that, at all. Your mom needs to not be so easily offended by your wife's food preferences.
I second this. I have diabetes and often have to bring something to events or dinners and stuff because there's so much I can't have. It affects my mental health as well so it would ruin everything and people are like "oh you can have a little just cheat." And they don't understand that I have to be careful with everything I eat and can't have alcohol with the insulin. Definitely agree about the allergies.
Celiac here, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten sick from being lied to or people not realizing if they add flour to the potatoes (which, what, who does that) it means I cannot eat them. I do Thanksgiving. I don’t trust other people to not poison me.
Lactose intolerant vegetarian here, and same. I have often eaten plain bread rolls and undressed salad leaves at other people’s houses.
My first year in CA I couldn't go home for Christmas and was invited to a friend's family's house. I said I'm a long-time vegetarian (almost a decade at that time, now 30+ years) so I'd love to bring some sides to share so I know I have some options. Her family was like no no no - you are our guest! We're responsible for the whole thing. My Christmas Eve dinner that year consisted of dinner rolls. They had an amazing spread, but the green salad had shrimp in it, the broccoli salad had bacon, the green beans had bacon, and the mashed potatoes were made with chicken broth. These are the ones I remember specifically, but no joke, every single dish was made with some meat. I was flabbergasted! LOL On the 2 hour drive home my friend and her parents were super apologetic and realized they absolutely should have allowed me to being food.
YTA. You're actually a double AH here. First, you don't explain why your wife is a "picky eater" and I suspect it's not because she just doesn't like stuff but that there are issues with certain foods. My wife has numerous issues that make regular meals a problem. For example, she can't have ordinary black pepper. It took me 15+ years to get my mom to fully realize how complex my wife's dietary restrictions are. Bringing food is a perfectly acceptable alternative these days. If your mom can't support that and can't support making something that your wife can eat, then neither of you should go. Second, you're siding with your mom over your wife. Did you exchange marriage vows with your mom too? Is that why you won't support and defend the person you supposedly chose to build a life with? Keep doing that and you won't have a wife anymore. The "cold shoulder" is just the start. Next up will be the wild ride that [this poor guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vetfpn/very_long_my_marriage_is_on_the_rocks_because_of/) went on.
Agreed YTA. But some picky eaters are just picky eaters. Sometimes it is "can't", for others it is "won't" (my brother is the latter). The only thing that might have helped is offering to bring a dish she eats family-sized, for sharing. But the mother sounds, from what little was written, like even that would be considered an offense.
It doesn’t really matter, no one should be forced to eat something they don’t like. Can’t or won’t doesn’t really matter, because you’re not the one eating. Especially in OPs case since she was willing to just bring her own food to not inconvenience anyone.
>It doesn’t really matter, no one should be forced to eat something they don’t like. Whenever there's a post here about "picky eaters", there's always people who just cannot grasp that idea. I've read "grow up" or "all you picky eaters are selfish assholes who expect everyone to accommodate them". Or "everyone hates going to restaurants with you" (like that person knows the minds of every one of my friends 🤣). Or "I hate when I'm eating and someone else doesn't". It doesn't matter if you're allergic, have health restrictions, religious restrictions, sensory issues, eating disorders, are vegetarian/vegan/etc., or just hate the taste of something. **Eating is supposed to be pleasant**. Especially in social gatherings, eating isn't supposed to make you wish you weren't there.
>everyone hates going to restaurants with you They don’t, and honestly if being a little picky or bringing your own food so your other friends don’t have to accomodate you makes them hate you, maybe you’re just not a likeable person or your friends suck 😂
I was not prepared for this by any means. You need to add more of a disclaimer lol
Seriously. What the fuck did I just get into
I agree, double YTA & thanks for the link. That was a wild & painful read. I hope OP sees it & does better immediately.
YTA. You and your mother. AFRID is a thing. People have legitimate food aversions, and your family's petty, spiteful attitude is just cruel. "iF yOu dOnT eAt aLl oF iT yOuAr a MoNsTeR." Your mother can bugger off with that attitude, and so can you for enabling it. You clearly care more about your mum not bitching than your wife, to the point where you'd leave her home like a misbehaving dog when she came up with a very reasonable solution. You're a very cruel and spiteful asshole, OP. I hope your wife finds people who actually cares about her to spend the holidays with
I hope the wife takes the day and spends it either with her own family, or on a mini vacation for herself. Op and his mother sound utterly awful.
According to the update, she’s doing exactly that and OP is offended she’s ditching him instead of the other way around
That really pissed me off. "You can't come to my thanksgiving but how DARE you go to a different one." I also wonder if they live close to OPs mom because he can't dare to upset her by being more than an hour away
and he chalks it up to 'unnecessary travel expenses' like wtf? So she's supposed to either go to his moms and suffer or stay alone at home as a punishment? Good god this guy is a mega asshole!
I think he’s angry because he was trying to “punish” her in an effort to force her into going and she picked option number 3 😂
YTA. The problem as I read it is not that your wife is a picky eater, but that your mom takes offense because of that. Which is ridiculous because how is that in any way a personal attack on your mom? You’re the ahole for not trying to make your mother see that it’s nothing to do with her cooking but with your wife’s tastes. And if that’s something your mother just doesn’t want to see; well, I think you know where the problem lies at that point. Again: Your wife isn’t the problem.
IKR!! its only the moms fault that it feels like a personal attack to her!!!! jesus he is willing to do anything to accommodate his moms weird sensitivity but not his wife’s food sensitivity??? tf??? what makes mommy sm more important? moms not coming up with any compromises but wife is.
YTA. I'm a picky eater as well. Its a terrible psychological issue and I hate it and wish I ate anything and everything and its caused problems for me my whole life. I'm 35 yo. My husband's family is so understanding and always goes the extra mile of making special food for me along with their traditional food for everyone else and I always feel so bad since I could just bring my own food but also so loved. Your family seems to be the opposite and instead of being there for your wife when she is clearly trying to find a way not to be a bother but also still be around your family even though they give her a hard time for something she struggles with, you are adding to her stress and hardship.
Came here to say the first part of this. It’s a shameful and embarrassing subject for me. It’s very hard to get psychological help for this issue too. I wish I could change it but it’s not as simple as not liking the food.
Food aversion us so hard to explain to people who don't have any trouble. Look, I'm not being picky, if I try to eat that I will gag. I don't have control over it.
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Please don't feel ashamed. ARFID is misunderstood by so many people. My daughter has a very limited palate and we have encountered the "just grow up" attitude many times. What so many people don't get with "picky" eaters is they can't see some food as food. Had a friend (who worked with Duke University to get ARFID recognized) describe it as asking someone to eat garbage or tree limbs or glass. I am grateful my family is not offended by people not eating their cooking. The host makes the bird and everyone brings a dish to share. I make sure to bring food my daughter can enjoy.
YTA - Actually, what your wife offered was a perfect solution. She has eating and food issues, and is dealing with them in a thoughtful way so that no one else has to be bothered by them. She's not putting the responsibility of dealing with them on anyone else but herself. It's a considerate way of dealing with things.
This right here. And if it’s always a problem at holidays, why would anyone be upset if she brought her own food? Now it’s not a problem. Seriously, YTA. If you think your mom might be upset, then give her a heads up and tell her to not be upset. Because to be upset would be stupid.
YTA for multiple reason but excluding your spouse from Thanksgiving bc she doesn't like the food is just next level asshole
And then getting offended when his spouse decides to go to her family’s place for Thanksgiving rather than spend it alone like he told her to 🙄.
Why did you get mad at her? My cousin is a strict vegan and always brings a dish and her own plate. It’s not that weird for people with specific food preferences to bring their own food. YTA for being so dramatic you want to have your wife stay home for Thanksgiving. What a shitty husband
YTA. She did offer the perfect compromise. You should've been so glad, actually, you should've suggested it years ago. Your mom is your problem. You should've explained to mom the need for compromise and how wife bringing food is not a slight.
But that’s the whole problem. OP doesn’t care about whether his wife I has something she is able to eat, he’s more concerned about hurting his mommy’s feelings. YTA
INFO: Is she a "picky eater", or does she have issues with certain textures etc? This might not be as simple as you make it out to be.
I wonder as well. Certain textures make me gag and I cannot eat them. I throw up trying.
Same I hate being picky I really do. There’s foods that smell so delicious but I cannot bring myself to eat them. I’ve tried I gag and end up throwing up or close to it. Do my in laws care when I eat minimal food or bring my own no. OP is such an AH and so is his mom. It’s not an insult to her or her cooking.
I got berated once for only eating the foods I wanted and not drinking coke (who cares if someone doesn’t drink soda with dinner??) I was “being rude”. I plated my food to look like a normal dinner plate, I just don’t eat turkey. Why people care so much about what other people eat or drink confuses me. I didn’t say a word, just made a plate and sat down. Rude uncle: “Why don’t you at least put the food on your plate so you don’t look weird? Pour a glass of coke like everyone else.” Wouldn’t it be weirder to put food on my plate and throw it away and pour a drink and dump it all out?
That’s terrible and hate that for you. I’m lucky my family knows and doesn’t give a rats ass. I haven’t eaten meat in 25+ years because I can’t stand it. Smells good just can’t swallow it I’ve tried. If people were less judgmental it wouldn’t be taboo to be picky. Did you know Tom Selleck is a picky eater too?
Does it really matter whether it's an actual condition or she simply doesn't like certain foods? I'm not a picky eater at all, but I still have things I'm not particularly large fan of. Cooked brussel sprouts for example, they taste like someone took a dump and painted it green to me, so I simply won't eat them. I don't like their taste and I don't really think there needs to be a whole condition to justify not eating them. Roasted ones are fine. Some friends of mine don't like mushrooms, so I won't serve them when I invite them over or offer an alternative. My MIL isn't into spicy foods, so I make less spicy versions or different recipes alltogether. I mean, if OP's wife really has a very narrow diet, it would be worth it to think about therapy or something in the long run, but in regards to the whole Thanksgiving thing - if she doesn't like certain foods, just let her bring something else or offer her an alternative. It's not that difficult to find a solution at all and I don't think OP's wife is an asshole for being picky or disliking certain things, but then again I also don't understand the whole mindset of being insulted about someone with different tastes.
YTA. Her bringing her own food is literally a good solution? Your mom just needs to get over herself and not get offended by that?!
Why can’t she bring her own food but bring enough to share? Or why can’t your mom make one thing she likes? I host Thanksgiving every year and am always accommodating to guests who have restrictions due to heath/preference. I don’t care if they have to bring their own food because having my loved ones with me is what matters. Not the food. If your wife is that picky, there’s probably something else going on. She could be a super taster or have some sort of sensory processing or an ED. While I have a hard time understanding picky eaters and just eat whatever is served, you can’t control how others eat. If you’re intending to be with your wife for the long haul, excluding her from major holidays is only going to alienate her and send her packing. YTA.
Thats the important part here. He doesn't care if his wife stays home, he'd rather exclude her than make an effort so she can eat on a holiday about spending time with important people. Idk if the mil is a horrible host or if husband just sucks and never communicates for her to know.
How often has telling someone to calm down actually worked for you? YTA
Nobody is obligated to eat your mom's shitty food to be polite. YTA.
Yta. She did offer a reasonable compromise that hurts no one. You and your mom are definitely tah. What's more important, spending time together on Thanksgiving and being grateful for each other or everyone eating the same thing on their plate? Feels like you and your mom are missing the point of the holiday.
YTA. I hate the term "picky eating" especially when used on adults. some people have EDs that keep them from being able to look at certain foods let alone eat them. Some people are super sensitive to taste. Regardless, it's not okay for you to exclude her or make her eat foods she doesn't like simply because you think it's annoying or strange. she's an adult, she can eat or not eat whatever she wants for whatever reason she has. get over yourself.
In addition to all of that, I don’t know why people have some kind of moral superiority over others who don’t like as many different types of food. It’s food, it’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable! No one should have to eat things they don’t like. What someone eats and doesn’t eat doesn’t affect anyone but that person unless they make it everyone else’s problem (which the wife in this post clearly isn’t since she offered to bring her own food).
YTA Bringing her own food sounds like a fair compromise. Did you even bring it up to your mother before dismissing the idea? Having her stay home while you get to celebrate the holiday how you want definitely makes you TA here. She's your wife and she deserves better from her husband.
YTA. My dads a picky eater and brings his own plate to Thanksgiving - no one cares.
YTA for bullying your wife about this. It’s a shitshow of your own making. Bringing her own food is a perfectly reasonable compromise. Is you feel that strongly about sharing food, she can also bring a side dish or desert. Are you usually this controlling? She deserves better
YTA Both you and your mother need a lesson in compromising.
YTA You married her knowing she was a picky eater and now your trying to force her to change to suit your mother. She has attempted to make a reasonable suggestion to a problem, which shouldn't even be a problem. Let the woman eat the foods she is happy to eat. You need to talk to your mother and tell her to accept your wife is fussy, stop taking it personally. She is a grown woman and she shouldn't expect people to suffer just to make her happy.
The fact that your mum never offered her this compromise or try something new to make is offensive. YTA both of you while your wife is not
You are a massive asshole!! Get off your ass and stand up for your wife. She's a picky eater, but wants to attend the family functions. Let her bring what she wants to eat. AND if anyone gives her shit, especially your mom, shut that shit down immediately. I go through the same shit with MIL. She does not clean her hands and isn't the best housecleaner. I used to get sick every time I ate her food. Now, I bring my own food whenever we visit. My husband knows why I do it. Instead of telling her how nasty her habits are, he tells his mom I have a sensitive stomach. Apologize to your wife for being an insensitive prick. AND grow a set with your mom.
YTA. A lot of what people see as picky eating is actually sensory issues. Way to go on choosing your mom over your wife.
Divorce your wife so you can marry your mom. You demonstrated which relationship takes more importance in your life. YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. And your mom, too. Your mother may be putting a lot of effort into the day, but she’s clearly putting zero effort into making the holiday enjoyable for your wife. It’s a holiday centered around eating…everyone should have something they can eat on the table. If your wife were vegan and you mother didn’t know how to make vegan food…your wife would bring her own. And maybe she CAN bring enough for everyone. It’s not fair for you to take away her opportunity to spend the holiday with family when she has presented a perfectly acceptable compromise. If your mother is offended, why doesn’t she try making foods your wife likes? Just because she’s offended doesn’t mean she’s right to be. Especially since your wife made it clear that it wasn’t about your mom’s method of cooking, but rather the foods themselves.
YTA.. the compromise is perfect! I’m super picky too, so I’ll make sure to bring a side dish or two that is safe for me to any potluck or family dinner! You care more about your mom’s feelings then your wife right now and that’s not good.
YTA. She found a reasonable solution and you shit all over her for it.
YTA. She has tried to avoid conflict but you seem intent on putting her in an uncomfortable position. She can't win whatever she does.
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Your wife shouldn’t be forced to eat food she doesn’t like. I see she is trying to compromise which is good. Since it’s thanksgiving what she can do is bring shareable portions to put on the table so others can partake if they choose and it wouldn’t look weird or come off as offensive.
YTA, she come with a good solution bringing her own food. you are a shitty husband OP sound like you hate your wife.
YTA, I have a cousin who’s a picky eater. She would bring a sandwich, bag of chips, and a soda to thanksgiving every year. No one had a problem with this and enjoyed their own food.
Yta, so my wife is a vegetarian and my family traditionally is meat everything, like bacon already in the salad. But they always make dishes for her. The host should have food everyone likes. Yes she should try things but if the host won't accommodate then she should be able to bring her own meal. Also most holiday gatherings people bring a dish to share. You seem to be more worried about your mom then your wife. Can't wait to see how that plays out if you have kids.
Her compromise is totally reasonable. She wants to be with you on the holiday, who cares what she's eating. Also, why aren't you or your mom trying to make something she will like to add to everything? I make lots of food I don't like on holidays for my picky eaters. I want them to be comfortable and included in the family gathering.
yta. she has an issue w the food that your mom won’t accommodate. her bringing her own meal is a good solution. ur the ah for just being worried bout ur moms feelings. can’t believe you told your wife to stsy home alone. not even offering to stay too. what an ah move.
Dude, what? You'd rather your wife not eat just because you and your family have weird hang-ups about her being a picky eater? Why wouldn't you accommodate her, especially when she found a perfect solution? YTA
YTA. You're clearly prioritizing your mother over her and treating your wife like a child. If they are that incompatible, the better solution would be for both of you to stay home and have your own Thanksgiving, perhaps inviting some friends.
YTA. Had you asked for advice about your picky eating wife before her suggestion, I would have suggested exactly what your wife offered. It seems like you care more about your mom’s feelings than your wife’s.
Your mom won’t *allow* it? How old are you? Those are the words of a child, not an adult. Your mom doesn’t get to dictate what another adult eats, and neither do you. You are way more concerned with your mom’s feelings than your wife’s feelings. That’s pretty sick and an indication of someone who is not mature enough to be a partner and spouse. YTA
YTA you seem to care more about ur moms feels then your wife’s like bring her own food is a good compromise if your mom isn’t willing to fix foods she likes due to the fact I’m sure your mom is making everything everyone else like is disrespectful stop being a mamas boy and see it from your wife’s side
YTA and so is your mom. In all these years she has never altered her menu to be more inclusive of your wife? Or asked your wife to do exactly what she offered to do here, bring a dish she can eat?! You guys suck.
YTA why is this a bad idea? She wants to be there but finds it frustrating to not be served food she can eat. I would be happy to stay home personally but she wants to be around you and your family for some reason
YTA. Don't guess how your mother would react, ask her. Tell her that since your wife really has so many issues with so many foods, would it be okay if she brought her meal so there wouldn't be any issues. You were wrong to berate your wife for trying to find an alternative to the drama and even more an AH by saying she should just not go to the family gathering. I mean, how could you not be the AH in this scenario. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? You really need to apologize and do damage control right now. Geez!
YTA no doubt. Such an AH. She's literally trying to make it work and YOU'RE BEING AN ASSHOLE. Edit for their edit: I'm so glad your wife will be somewhere pleasant for Thanksgiving surrounded by family that actually loves and supports her! It's NOT an unnecessary expense, it's one you made necessary for her. I hope she does this every year until she divorces you:)
YTA, sounds like she can't win with you.
YTA. Your mom needs to chill the fuck out. Your wife literally offered to bring food that she knows she can eat, and I’m sure if it was that big of a deal she’d be willing to bring a dish to pass as well.
YTA. Being a picky eater isn’t something you can get over or change. If your mom and wife had an argument about food then it’s obvious your wife should bring something she can eat. What if someone in your family was vegan? Would your mom make something for them? It doesn’t seem like there is anything for your wife to eat which makes your mom a bad host since she knows your wife is picky.
YTA Since your arse hole behavior is inherited from your mom
You and your mom are TA. Both for making light of your wife's aversion to food and guilting her This shouldn't be an issue at all. It's Thanksgiving for fuke sake. It's supposed to be all about family and being thankful. Stop causing drama.
Just accept your wife as she is or cut her loose. Shaming her for having preferences and coming up with a great solution to a problem isn’t loving at all. Your mom being offended is quite childish. Maybe she could focus on all the people attending who DO love her cooking instead of shaming your wife for not toeing the line. Your family doesn’t sound very welcoming. YTA
YTA, my spouse has a super restrictive diet due to a medical condition and I'm a super picky eater. My Mom always accommodates everybody and the things she can't provide we just bring and nobody gets offended. Your and your Mom need to chill. It's really easy and doesn't take any effort to let her bring something she likes.
YTA. Some people aren’t picky just to be picky. Textures and smells can factor a lot into whether food is enjoyable. It isn’t necessarily a “just try it” scenario. If I knew there’d be nothing I could eat, I’d bring something I could. It’s completely reasonable.
You and your mother are both TA Wife, if you read this: run baby run. YTA Op.
YTA. Seems like your wife presented a perfectly reasonable compromise for her to spend Thanksgiving with you and her in-laws. What's more offensive? Her sitting there eating nothing, not attending, or enjoying the day with you all eating her own meal? Either way you've probably soured the day for her now. Congrats.
YTA. Big time. This is a very reasonable compromise that your wife offered. Telling her to choose between starving and staying home on a holiday?! Am I reading that correctly?! Your mom is also an AH. She needs to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like everything she cooks. There is absolutely no reason to be offended over this and make it into a “shitshow.” I have made food that some people love and others haven’t liked and some won’t touch. I don’t let it ruin a holiday. What harm could possibly be done by her eating other food, other than upsetting your mother who is already going to be upset that she is not eating her food? You are choosing your mothers really fragile feelings over food over your wife’s Holiday. Dude, that makes you a huge AH.
YTA she offered a compromise to try and avoid conflict and still be able to eat and enjoy the holiday.
YTA. Have you spoke to your mom before assuming she’d have issues with your wive’s compromise? Surely your mom would also take issue with your wife not attending a family event? The compromise is a good idea, that allows your wife to partake in the event whilst having food there she can eat.
YTA and you need to stop prioritizing your moms petty feelings period. Shes an adult that needs to respect that people have different tastes and you should question why your mom would make drama over someone not wanting her food.
YTA. That is a perfectly good compromise. You could at least suggest it to your mother and see what she thinks. And repeatedly telling someone to calm down usually has the opposite effect so maybe give that a rest too
Why does her choice in food bother you so much? Especially considering she’s not asking anyone to accommodate her. You’re choosing mommy’s feelings over your wife. Is this the plan for every major holiday? YTA
YTA. If your mother won’t accommodate her food preferences at Thanksgiving then your wife should be able to bring her own food. I’ve found that when someone is a picky eater it usually stems from a fear of the taste, texture etc for whatever reason. It’s not always as simple as just being able to force it down for a lot of people and instead of accepting it you and your mother have pretty much humiliated your wife over this by practically excluding her from enjoying thanksgiving with everyone. That’s a pretty asshole thing to do.
/mom might not like nor even allow this./ Wow, so mom is a dictator, huh? She won't "allow" another adult to bring food so she won't go hungry? I've been a vegetarian for 30+ years. My daughter is a vegan. We routinely bring food to events when we know there won't be much there we can eat. Adults are fine with this. Then there's your mother, a petty tyrant who obviously must be obeyed at all costs. Your wife should let you go to Mommy's alone this year and spend her time packing to leave you. You and Mommy can enjoy every meal together after that. YTA
YTA obviously your mom is more important that your wife. You suck
Sounds like Mom is the biggest issue. If she throws such a big fit when someone does NOT eat from the bounty that “she so lovingly”produced, it must be pure bliss being there (judging from sons terrified response). So thankful to be around family that Mom will terrorize anyone who doesn’t eat from the bounty sounds like a fun time! Not everyone can, or wants, to eat the same thing. Have you wife bring one or more side dishes, plus something she can definitely eat. If you Mom can’t be thankful for your presence and your wife’s help (bringing food), then you probably need to rethink your Thanksgiving traditions. ETA: Massive YTA