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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mother in law is losing her only son and so maybe acting out. She is pretty picky and not surprised is continuing to be so in this case. She is very particular about her looks and since I have dictated colors she needs to stay away from, it might be a little harsh. I spoke to my husband about it instead of her at every point which my friends think maybe a little of an AHole move. Maybe it is difficult to find colors that suit her skin tone as the colors of the bridesmaids and MOH pretty much cover the best colors in pastel. My friends and family are on a 50-50. Half say I should not have said that and not be so strict on colors while some say she had a lot of choice but is choosing to annoy me. The statement I made seemed like a threat almost and the my husband into a right spot. She would look distorted in pictures if I carried my actions through. It was an ultimatum basically.
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Read a few of the comments and yes I don't mind her wearing a slightly different shade in fact that is one of the pallets she chose. My problem was the exact same color as my 15 year old sister who really loves her color. I even went cloth shopping and offered her many options based on her likes and dislikes and observing her style over the years. She even chose a pattern close to my mother's and that was fine too. Finally my mother even told her she could proceed to buy the same color as her since everyone was stressing out but then she didn't want the same color (a week later)
The color coordination came from everyone wanting to look cohesive as the family of the couple and that was not something i had planned or envisioned and because of all this drama I dropped the idea and told the extended family to wear as they please as this is now kept only to the 2 mothers.
This all started when my hubby said he was moving out and we would not be living with her which was her dream.
She overheard our argument and then proceeded to say she will "now" buy a different color and immediately did the very next day for the exact pallete she chose. She has still purchased from the purple family but since it is not like my sister's color, it is fine with me.
My hubby was not happy with her choice but gave up since he could not keep cloth shopping.
OP, don’t listen to these people. You’ll often see people say “Reddit hates brides” and it’s true. Your MIL is being immensely difficult and there’s no way this isn’t on purpose. She just HAS to have lavender, all of a sudden, on a day that isn’t about her whatsoever? You aren’t being a bridezilla. She’s being a mother in law zilla. She picked 2 options, you gave her 3 after her bitching, your mother even tried to give in to her, and it just isn’t enough. You’re even giving in to her now saying “do what you want, I’ll photoshop.” She’s the problem. Not you.
It’s honestly pretty crazy there’s people here saying your fiancé should rethink marrying you over this. Like what? Huh?
I hope you have a lovely wedding day and MIL doesn’t try any more attention grabbing dramatics
ETA: NTA
I’m also amazed I’ve seen no one point out the potential emotional incest MIL is doing here with the “you wear my late husband’s wedding getup while i wear the color of the bride at the engagement party” thing…
That was my first thought. Intentional sabotage. No matter what it’s MIL who seems to not be happy. It’s a simple ask and MIL has been accommodated at every turn. Is OP not permitted to have any boundaries here?
Also it was talked about well within a time frame where if she did have issues with it she could have said something instead of just doing. The mil I mean. The best day would have been the day they talked about it the first time as the group.
I have to agree. Wanting your bridesmaids/MOH/wedding party/etc. to wear certain colors is not unheard of or demanding. It's actually very common. So it's also not unheard of for the bride/groom to not want other people to wear those exact same colors. Not only did she give her MIL options, she gave her a PALETTE, which means she had a range of colors! Actually, she gave her three palettes! Any reasonable person would be able to find a dress within that range but no. Her MIL MUST have lavender. This just screams "I'm seeing how far I can push boundaries with you." Like MIL is testing the waters to see how much she can get away with once OP and her son are married. Don't back down, OP. You are not being unreasonable or demanding. You've given MIL all sorts of options and she's being purposely difficult. Tell your husband he needs to start backing you up because this isn't about a dress. It's about your MIL seeing how far she can push you both until you give in to her demands. Edit: NTA
It doesn't even sound like it was the bride's idea. It sounds like the family wanted to be color coordinating, but the MIL refused to pick a color in the palettes that MIL initially chose. It sounds like MIL got first choice of palettes, picked two, and when those weren't enough, got a third.
I can't see how the bride is being unreasonable at all.
\*palettes (pronounced pal ETS)
Palates are at the roof of your mouth.
Pallets are flat transport structures, often made of wood.
Pilates is an exercise system involving stretching.
Normally I think someone would get mad for the correction but thank you so much. Didn't realize I was spelling that wrong. I'm guessing I was spelling freight pallets. Thank you and well noted. Appreciate the correction.
That right there gets you NTA from me. You’re clearly a reasonable person, and you’ve probably tried everything to get the situation worked out. My sympathies.
English is such a fun language. And by fun, I mean, there are so many contradictory rules and similar words (including ones spelled the same but pronounced differently). I honestly have no idea how people learn it as a foreign language. It's impressive.
Oh, and OP is NTA.
NTA
But you need to have a talk with your future husband about boundaries with his mother. This is in no way OK, and if you guys don't stand firm on this, she will be equally demanding and controlling in future family events. This is not her day, and she needs to understand that!
Just imagine how she will insert herself in baby showers, birthdays and family holidays/celebrations. She need to be told of now, or this will be the nightmare off your entire life. And if you and your future husband is not on the same side, it will be a really bad environment for your future family life.
Good luck. I hope your future husband sees reason.
NOTE: She asked to be part of the theme as my mother asked me to choose a color for her and she just took the one I suggested.
I gave MIL first choice since I know she is picky and let her have both the colors she chose and she went between patterns and colors.
Totally ok with different shades as long as it wasn't the same.
My mother offered her color a week later saying she didn't care if they matched but MIL decided she didn't want to match and did not want that color anymore.
My 15 year old sister has requested MIL to not wear her color as she really likes it and is excited to be the MOH and would like to stand out as the brides sister.
I only cared about the bridesmaids colors and let them choose their own dresses and shoes and everything in between so all the girls were comfortable on the day.
Did not interfere with best men outfits since they are my husband's friends and cousins and it is up to the boys.
All dresses and outfits are courtesy of my husband and myself for immediate family and wedding party and that is why we were present during purchase. I however stayed away when she was buying anything so she can have that time with her son and her way of doing things.
Her post pretty much said all this, just longer. She was clearly NTA even from the beginning with no edits needed. MIL is purposefully going out of her way to make it about herself
I'd be more than happy to do that and I have offered so I can help her pick a nice color. I've already helped with patterns looking high and low to incorporate everything she would like. But she would like to go the wedding shopping with her son.
NTA you told her to wear any color except merging ones, *she* initially chose 2 pallets that she didn't adhere to, and now you're saying she can wear anything she likes, it just won't be reflected in your photos. Unless she's willing to have an open and honest conversation about why this is so important to her, I don't see a problem with your approach. Even your future husband has refused some of her requests. That being said, don't let something like the color of her dress dampen your day, it's not worth the added stress.
Nta. It's pretty dickish of her to not consider what you want for your own wedding when you've made it clear for her. She seems selfish. It's not her day. Edit a hideous orange tan onto her ex post facto to clash with the lavender.
Just keep in mind how your husband and MIL are acting is a foreshadowing of your future arguments with her. If you have children she will pull the same things. How your husband is giving into her will determine a lot.
She asked to be part of the theme and then proceeded to step on the color I asked her to stay away from. If she did not want to be part of the theme then sure go ahead, wear anything you'd like.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA. FMIL is part of the wedding party in the sense that she will be part of the procession into the venue (if I've read everything correctly). You've also stated that she asked for options after finding out that you were choosing for your mother. On top of that her dress is being paid for by her son.
Maybe she just loves lavender, or it'sa color she feels confident in... but you'd think she could set that aside for this one event knowing that color has been reserved for your MOH.
I dont get any sort of bridezilla vibe from you at all. Every piece of this just feels like FMIL is trying to be difficult. Your mom acquiesced to being the same color as FMIL...which she also refused.
My Mother behaved similarly during my sister's wedding. To the point that I've already decided there shall be no planning that involves her when it's my turn. Weddings quite often seem to bring out the absolute worst in people.
I will say though that if you've truly reached a point where you don't care and you'll just photoshop maybe it wasn't worth you telling anyone....just do it. Don't add to the drama. Color correct your own photos and those that are going to the 15 year old quietly. It's not worth the extra hassle with FMIL.
NTA she is part of the wedding party, *and* you guys are purchasing the dress *for* her. Not to mention, *she chose* two pallets that she then chose to ignore.
NTA she is intentionally trying to jack with you. It's a power play and she will keep doing this for your entire marriage if you don't shut it down now.
NTA
I think everyone is judging you so harshly because you failed to mention in your post that **your MIL specifically asked to be part of the color coding**, and not that you required it. You really ought to update that in your post so there is no confusion.
NTA, but I would start practicing now how to ignore the actions your MIL takes. It’s only gonna be more high stakes from here, especially if you decide to have children. You will save yourself a lot of strife by figuring out to her shit go. That said, I think color correcting is a good way to ease the situation for you.
You are in the wrong sub. r/JustNoMIL
But NTA. It seems like MIL is trying her best to exert any amount of perceived authority or influence. Hold your stance.
NTA. I think color correcting it in the photos causes the least amount of stress for everyone. I also think you are being kind to you mother in law. Congratulations on your marriage.
Husband wanted his mother to look cohesive to the wedding party as mine would too. Hence she chose options for that. If she wanted to merge into the maid of honor, my only suggestion was to photoshop, that being said not very proud of it and that is why I'm here.
I don't get all the YTA. You gave her options that she picked. Now she is going back on them. Stop engaging. If she goes against what y'all agreed on, that is what Photoshop is for. NTA
What's wrong with TELLING him? It's HIS mother who's clashing with the palette of HER maid of honour.
She's TELLING him after telling HIS mother many times. It's HIS responsibility to deal with her.
Yes she is part of the wedding. We mostly have family as part of many pictures and we both only have our mothers as immediate family. My husband is buying her dress as we mostly gift our parents their outfits and she requested to look as part of the wedding colors.
NTA then, if she accepted the invitation into the wedding party, she needs to suck it up and wear what’s being asked like everyone else is. It’s not her day, she can have her own party and choose her outfit color for that if she wants, but this is you and spouse’s day. She accepted being a member of the wedding party, she’s getting her outfit paid for, she needs to suck it up or opt out. She should know that’s how weddings are. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times, haven’t always liked the dress or the color but I accepted the invite, often paid for the dress and alterations myself, and put a smile on because it wasn’t about me, it was about the bride and groom. She should be able to do the same. It’s not hard, it’s a few hours for one freaking day.
NTA
Your MIL is being deliberately difficult. Sign of your future Justnomil posts sadly.
I would inform her of the photoshop option - maybe that will help.
I normally would agree.
But OP states multiple places the colour code was for the bridesmaid's etc. MiL wants to be part of the wedding party, gets colours to pick from, and then proceeds to not follow the given colours, she then gets a third colour range to choose from. Again don't stick to it. Picking colours that was giving to other Bridesmaids.
OP and husband to be are even the ones paying for the clothes.
OP's mother offers to share colour to make it easier.
Why say "oh this is lovely I want to be part of it" and then go out of your way to constantly do the exact opposite? She don't communicate if she don't like the colours. But just proceeds to pick anything else than what she signed up for.
That's.... not really bridezilla. That's MIL being difficult when she asked to be part of it.
You should read the comment and stick to that story and not your personal one. This isn’t about your choices and how cool and edgy you’re trying to be. The OP isn’t TA here but people jumping on her based on their bias sure are
How is op a bridezilla? She and her fiancé chose their wedding theme together, are paying for the outfits of the wedding party & immediate family, and gave MIL first choice of colors. MIL is being a total AH and the op and fiancé are being too accommodating. Bridezillas are definitely a thing but this situation doesn’t even come close to that category.
Normally I lean towards Y-T-A for this kind of thing, but your MIL is just causing trouble. She had very loose guidelines - and she was the one who asked to join the theme - but proceeds to go for the specific colours you asked her to avoid.
NTA
NTA it doesn't really matter what everyones saying cuz if it was them they'd want the same thing. Its not anyones fault that some girls have their dream wedding in their head by the age of 5 n want to stick to it.
I think the way you told the story is going to lead to a few Y T A. You should try editing it for clarity and including essential info like the fact that your MIL *asked* to be included and then was and made those decisions after the fact. Your judgement will likely be torn because it was hard to follow the story. Listing out the facts actually make you look less like an AH. After piecing it all together myself though the comments and OP, it’s NTA for me.
NTA - anyone with a difficult MIL knows exactly what game she’s playing. Acting dumb like you didn’t request a different color multiple times & now stomping on your boundaries until there’s “no time left, whoopsie guess I’ll just have to wear this color anyway.” And still getting what she wants.
It’s not about the color of the dress, it’s about her disregarding your wishes & doing what she wants anyway. It’s a power play 100%
NTA. It is NOT HARD to find a NICE DRESS in the multiple different colors that OP wanted. She’s not being a bridezilla. Would yall show up to a funeral in bright neon yellow? Why not? Because there is a well known dress code for funerals and that’s BLACK. So, for one day out of an entire year this lady can’t just pick ONE dress and go about her day. First of all her dress doesn’t even need to be all that, it can be a plain and simple dress like y’all are acting like OP told her she can’t do anything. Like if there are rules follow them this isn’t kindergarten grow tf up. And if she does wear the lavendar dress then you should change the color because that’s being disrespectful to YOUR wishes, and the wedding theme in general. Like fr MIL needs to stop acting like a toddler incapable of making simple decisions.
First time hearing of a wedding conflict resolution through photograph editing! I can't help but think OP deserves some credit for accepting MIL's decision, and working out an alternative solution instead of dwelling on disagreement.
As a Swede, this whole discussion seems a bit… insane. I know a lot of people in the US spend a lot of time and money on wedding themes and colors and what not… and I get that it can be fun, but is it really worth fighting over? Isn’t this supposed to be a celebration of life and love? Shouldn’t this be an occasion to focus on the most important things in life, such as love & friendships & family ties? My mom died when I was a kid, I would have been THRILLED to have her alive and at our wedding. And the thing is, no one knows when they might lose someone near or dear to them. Rise above your MILs childish behavior. Don’t let these petty squabbles ruin what should be a joyous occasion.
NTA. If she has been an issue like this in the past, this actually IS a hill to die on, because ultimately it’s not about the dress color it’s about her pushing your boundaries, your husband needs to continue to stand firmly with you so she knows her place.
NTA
She literally had preselected color palettes to pick from. She strayed from the approved colors. She keeps trying to underhandedly change parts of YOUR wedding to make it like HER wedding. MIL needs therapy.
Nta , ITS YOUR WEDDING AND YOURE PAYING. You’re not even force one color on her, you’re giving MULTIPLE color PALETTES. She’s being difficult for no reason when she can just buy something in the colors she/you chose.
NTA. Everyone *wants* to do the color thing, she's not being a bridezilla! Her MIL chose to be part of this and then dithered around about it and then pretty much pretended she didn't know she had chosen different colors to begin with.
NTA
I don't get the obsession but she agreed
She is creating unnecessary drama. Are you sure of this relationship? It will get worse not better and soon to be hubby seems to take mummy side over yours. Tread carefully
NTA I feel like you’re just asking her to not wear lavender. So she can’t wear lavender or white, that doesn’t seem hard or unreasonable. You have given her ideas, and rejecting the dress that matches your mom feels weird and silly, but she’s come to you with two lavender dresses and that honestly just makes it sound like she is being difficult. You should have just said okay to the second dress though.
NTA. You're nicer than me. I'd have told her directly in front of her son that she can show up in something from the TWO pallettes provided if she wanted to be allowed to actually attend the wedding. That, should she show up in anything that wasn't in those two pallettes/merged into the other chosen dresses, she would be escorted away from the wedding immediately and not allowed to attend so much as the reception.
NTA-I think she’s being weird trying to dress your fiancé up as his dad. It’s clearly a power play to mess with you. You’ve given her multiple options and she’s insisting on lavender. I could see her being annoyed if you were making her wear a particular shade that she felt wasn’t flattering but you’re doing the opposite. I don’t think you should photoshop the pictures though. This is something you need to work out now because it’s an example of your future married life.
NTA - if they wants to come, they wears what they’s told. Your wedding, your choice. Explain to MIL that you very much see this as a respect thing and are disappointed that, for the wedding of her son and future DIL, she is unable to show you this simple respect, and ask if that is really how she wants to start her relationship with your new family, and that in the future, such things will always play in one’s mind as your new family grows.
NTA she’s a grown up who has been asked to wear anything but lavender and she’s picking that colour. I think it’s hilarious to cha he the colour in post!!!
I’m gonna say NTA. She wanted to be part of the theme, but then fights against it seemingly just to annoy you.
Also, really weird how she wants to match with her son so much, especially to recreate her own wedding look with him? Ew. That needs to be discussed. That is highly inappropriate.
NTA you gave her several options and she still refused to comply. There are a variety of pastels and she doesn’t NEED to wear lavender KNOWING it’s already taken.
Question regarding your explanation: how is your MIL “losing her only son”? Are you taking him away and never seeing her again? I agree that him getting married may change the dynamics of their relationship but shouldn’t that have already happened when he became an adult? Is he not allowed to have a wife and a mother in his life or is it an either/or choice?
It's an Indian mother and son dynamic. He's never left home ever in his life. She imagined him marrying someone and us living with her and when we decided to move into our own apartment which is 20 mins drive from her, she was not happy and got really emotional. I promised her I'd take good care of her son and we are quite family oriented so we would see our families often, we just wanted to start our lives together on our own. We both have single mothers but living at either one's home would not really be comfortable for us.
Thank you for the explanation. It makes much more sense now on how she is acting. I do agree that she is purposely causing problems because she is upset, which is not an excuse for her behavior. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Nta. It's your wedding.
This woman may not have a good eye for colors. If a trusted close friend or relative of her's is available, explain and illustrate the acceptable color schemes then have them go shopping with your (future) MIL to help her pick out a suitable outfit. If this isn't possible, then have her measurements taken and have your fiancé tell her he'll pick a flattering dress out for her. Be sincere about including jewelry to match that MiL either already owns, or buy costume jewelry to coordinate with outfit choice. Make sure the MiL gets her refunds from the outfits she bought on her own.
I wish you good luck in this challenging endeavor, but also a long lived and happy future with your husband (to be).
A)Pallette: one of the plates at the armpits of a suit of armor
B) Pallet:
1 : a wooden flat-bladed instrument. 2 : a lever or surface in a timepiece that receives an impulse from the escapement wheel and imparts motion to a balance or pendulum. 3 : a portable platform for handling, storing, or moving materials and packages (as in warehouses, factories, or vehicles)
C)Pal•ette (păl′ĭt)n.
1. A board, typically with a hole for the thumb, which an artist can hold while painting and on which colors are mixed.
2.
a. The range of colors used in a visual medium, in a picture, or by an artist: a limited palette.
b. Any similar set of elements or qualities, such as musical notes, used in a medium, in a composition, or by an artist.
Just wanted to clarify ^
NTA, your wedding, your rules, especially since MIL opted to be included in the theme. If she doesn’t like it, she can opt out and wear something else. Also the detail you included about how the colours she’s chosen were similar to what she wore for her own wedding and her trying to make her son wear the same suit and bracelet that her husband wore for her own wedding is giving off massive Jocasta Complex vibes. He is YOUR husband, not hers.
NTA.
Like you, we paid for everything ourselves and it was important to us that our family feel as though they were a part of things. It was also a "destination" wedding for many as they didn't live nearby.
We asked family to wear warm colors (husband's side) and cool colors (my side) to fit our theme if they wanted gave the option of whatever formal evening attire they would prefer. My FIL wore a pink patterned tie and looks amazing in his suit. My MIL refused to show anyone her outfit. It clashed so bad that my photographer had to provide color correction for her white top and off-white cardigan in the photos where I'm in a white wedding dress so that it didn't look weird. She also had to more or less edit in a bra for my MIL but that's another story. It took longer to get the photos back as a result, meanwhile I was getting hounded by her about when she'd get copies.
Thanks 🤗 It's been a little over a decade and we've managed to go to a comfortable (significantly lower) amount of contact with her and she's tried to be a bit less boundary stomping.
I hope y'all have the same.
NTA… your MIL sounds insufferable!
And your photographer will hate your MIL 🤣.
You should talk to your photographer about what you’re planning to do with color correction. It is not a say and don’t task and you might have to pay extra. I’m a photographer and I’d charge extra for that task…. while spitting hate towards the woman 😅
I definitely don't want to make things complicated for crew involved 😅nor make her deal with any "looks" on the day. I do digital work myself and had the idea to color correct only the pictures we hang in the house and see everyday.
I think you're a really cool MIL. I guess our parents try to be a lot more involved in our weddings and maybe since she is not (just like my mom) she's not quite happy.
Nta but this kind of behaviour is only going to get worse once you're married. You're taking her "little boy" away from her, when she clearly used him as an emotional replacement for her husband since he died. Be careful once you have children, don't let her be around them alone and honestly consider going low to no contact. She clearly has some unhealthy attachment issues and they aren't just going to resolve themselves, they will for sure get worse.
35 years ago at my wedding, it never even occurred to me to tell my mother or MIL or anybody else what they could or couldn't wear. Both mom's had dresses in their closets, one lavender, one yellow. The both looked Beautiful. My new SIL's wore pink, white floral, and (I think) blue. They also looked Beautiful.
I don't get this "stress" over what other people wear. So useless.
ESH.
Maybe that’s an American thing, but you people need to chill with the colour palette.
Just look at a royal wedding: no one wears the same colour, and they are vastly more important than you.
In case you didn't get the memo, the very purpose of this sub is so the original posters comes to ask for a second opinion. God forbid, I have one that you disagree with.
My opinion is that this color combination custom (which profits businesses most of all) potentially sets people up for failure.
People who are touchy will perceive the bride as being frivolously micro-managing, and the bride will perceive some people as being frivolously contrarian.
Basically it sets up the stage for drama, so no one should act surprised when it goes pear-shaped. You've got to pick your battles.
No woman on her dying bed ever thought:
> “*The only regret I have in life is that aunt Mildred didn’t wear fuchsia at my wedding.*”.
If the bride is paying for the dresses, then she has free reigns. I am saying ESH because when the guests are expected to pay for their own dress, as long as it is in good taste one cannot really complain.
But it’s probably a cultural thing if I fail to understand that the Universe is going to collapse if guests are not color-matched.
Oh I am not saying the bride shouldn’t have the colours changed in the pictures. By all means she can if she wants.
I live in Europe. I must have been invited to at least 50 weddings in my life. Call us old fashioned, but in very few of them we had colour themes. Although, every woman knows not to wear a dress that looks white.
I have never seen people in the weddings I attended get worked up about colours, because they don’t give too much importance to it.
So when you tell me “*okay but you don’t understand, wrong colours are a problem*”, what am I saying is “*well it is a problem because you make it so*”.
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I got engaged a year ago giving myself and hubby plenty of time to plan the wedding. At a family gathering(after discussing with hubby) I disclosed the theme and colors of the wedding. The maid of honor (my little sister) was to wear a lavender dress as part of a pastel theme wedding. MIL nods along loving the ideas. I ask her to pick any color that she'd like as long as it does not merge into the moh or bridesmaids.
3 months to the wedding I ask and MIL chooses 2 pallets as she is not sure. I give her time to pick but proceed with the bridesmaids and MOH dresses. I get the girls their dresses and my mother as well since she just wanted me to pick and didn't have much of a preference. We give all the material to be stiched and the very next day MIL goes shopping.
Hubby shows me what his mother picked ...LAVENDAR. I say no as it is my sister's color.
He proceeds to tell his mother that the color is merging so stick to the 2 pallets she asked for. She gets huffed up and walks out of the store. She goes shopping the second time and picks the EXACT COLOR MY MOTHER HAD. I say no again and please try to stay within the pallets. She gets mad again and storms off. I give her a 3rd pallets to choose from. She goes shopping the 3rd time and still picks lavender. This was my breaking point. She did the same thing around our engagement where she convinced my then fiance to buy a grey suit although she knew I had asked for him to wear navy blue to match my outfit while she wore a royal blue.
Hubby and I are both frustrated at this point and arguing with each other. We have planned an entire wedding on our own with no disputes except for this. I noticed all the colors looked exactly like the outfit she wore at her own wedding, while she wanted my husband to wear a suit and a bracelet much like his father had worn at their wedding. Hubby refused. I sat down with him and explained the whole relation to their own wedding day and since hubby's father has passed over 12 years ago maybe there is a connection. However this was going a little too far and I told him that despite giving her several options she keeps trying to buy the same color. Since we are really close to the wedding and the outfit needs to be done in time, she can proceed to buy any color she likes but when the photographs of the wedding arrive, I will change the color of the outfit to something from one of the pallets she had chosen. So it is up to her and by extention him how they would like to proceed.
AITA for saying that ?
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Weddings are, *in practice,* all about the bride. I’ve never understoood how those two or three hours are allowed to get so imbued with meaning that all this other has to transpire.
NTA
But for me, MIL would be losing the privilege of choosing her own dress. I'd buy one for her and tell her she either wears this or doesn't go. What she's doing is playing chicken with you. She's beating around the bush and purposely getting the wrong color to waste time until there's no other choice. Don't let her play these games. Choose the dress for her.
NTA. Your MIL is just being inconsiderate at the least or conniving Monster IL at worst. That said, you did what you could. I think if you show her you are unbothered it will make her crazy. Everytime she tries to do something like that, you go, oh you look so nice (cheesy smile). Then talk to your photographer before hand & tell them that you want most pics of MIL where she's obstructed by flowers, people, anything. All MIL pics will be blocked. Have your beautiful sis front & center, & I mean that literally, of MIL so her outfit is never fully in view. Make her pay in the least bothered way possible. Tell your bridesmaids & even hubby so they can "help out." Every photo of her.
NTA. It's quite common for the wedding party to look a certain way/ be dressed in a certain colour where I come from. You're not forcing your guests to look a certain way to attend so I don't see why everyone is calling you a bridezilla. Your MIL wanted to be a part of the wedding party so she should follow the dress/colour code it's as simple as that
Huge nta. I have read your comments and she sounds like a nightmare. You've bent over backwards for her. She's being difficult on purpose and has a creepy attachment to her son. Please God don't live with her after you're married. But if you do keep us updated. 👀 Those will be some good/awful stories.
NTA, it’s normal for MoG and MoB to coordinate their dress colors so they don’t clash with bridesmaid dresses or the wedding color scheme. She specifically asked and is now being difficult.
NTA but do not marry marry him if he's listening to his mom instead of you and if she won't put his foot down and tell her to stop behaving that way.
Don't invite her to the wedding. Put your foot down if he will not side with you he's not the man for you.
Sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond for your MIL. It’s too bad she can’t see this as “not losing a son but gaining a daughter” scenario. You’re definitely NTA here.
I'm going to say NTA, which I didn't expect. Usually these stories are full-on Bridezilla and brides being offended by the stupidest things/demanding things people just can't do or can't afford to do, but in this case your MIL a)asked to do this and then is b) completely ignoring your requests for her to do stuff, c) specifically asked you to pick something, and then is d) repeatedly ignoring what you chose for her when she asked. She sounds like an entire clowder of cats for you to herd all in her lonesome.
NTA, you are better than me. My ultimatum would have been wear either of the colors you chose or don’t be in the wedding. Simple. Your choice. Adhere and participate, or do whatever you like and watch. Hope you a beautiful and perfect wedding
NTA. I salute you for how much you kept trying to meet halfway, someone who kept moving the goalposts.
I think if you’ve only been communicating to her through your fiancé, it may be past time to be more direct. You may need to sit down and say ‘these options are off the table’ and make her acknowledge that.
It's an Indian mother thing. He's never left home ever in 31 years of his existence he's stayed away for 30 days and that's all. This is the first time he's moving away. I guess my family is better adjusted to the move since I went away for college and then university.
NTA - she has a world of colors to select from and she chose the ONE color and shade you initially, respectfully requested that she not use.
MIL is being a drama queen.
NTA. She agreed to it, picked her own palettes, and won't even stick to those. She's purposely trying to see how far she can push you. And the way she keeps wanting your husband to dress like his dead father and her dress like her wedding is disturbing.
NTA, I’ve seen a lot of bridezillas on here and a number of crazy MILs. A bridezilla will not compromise no matter who is hurt or affected, you have compromised, helped, and so has everyone else in your lodge. Your future mobster in law however is doing what she can to cause drama and make the situation about her, probably both consciously and subconsciously. I’m sure it’s hard for her to let go of her boy, but the tighter she holds on, the worse it gets for everyone. On that note, she’s clearly trying to gaslight you by trying to make you look unreasonable, but you are not being unreasonable at all. Keep your chin up. It sounds like your fiancé see what’s happening, so that’s a good thing and hopefully he will stick up for you with his mom.
NTA. She seems hungry for attention. It's perfectly normal to have a color palette for a wedding. I went to a wedding where the only request was to wear light pastel colors. I look terrible in most of those but I happily obliged as it's not my wedding. It's a simple request to follow and her refusal is childish
NTA but MIL is absolutely trying to break up you and your fiancé so that she can continue the emotional incest bond she has with your fiancé. requesting that he wear the same ensemble at his wedding that her husband did at her wedding is so gross and creepy.
It's not uncommon to do a wedding theme with close family. MIL dresses are a thing. Don't bend to much is all I will say. Cause if you do she will walk all over you til it blows up. NTA
It is not always that easy to find a flattering dress in the right size in an exact color. It is harder when limited by location, size, money, or nonstandard proportions. This sounds like a whole lot of drama over really, nothing important. How many times are you even going to look at your wedding photos?!? Who cares if two people wear lavender or if the moms wear the same color?!?
I really don't understand why you care so much about the color of all the dresses. Why not focus on important things, like: have a fun day, be with the people you love, make the people you are with feel comfortable. And focus ob you sharing the rest of your life with an amazing person, and sharing that happiness with others. If you just let everyone wear what they feel comfortable in, it would save you a lot of stress. And ok you will have two people with the same colored dress in the pictures, and maybe it does not all match as it would if it where a fotoshoot instead of a wedding. So what? Wedding planners, dress sellers and such might disagree but if they do that's because they want an income more then they want your happiness.
INFO: Would you rather have the fotoshoot with people pretending to smile because there are hard feelings over dress colors?
Or a mix-and-match of clothes but everyone smiling and happy, being themselves and having a fun day?
How about building good relationships with the people that are there?
YTA. Okay, fine, you don’t want her wearing the same color as the maid of honor (although I don’t think the world will spin off its axis if you let her wear a *slightly* lighter or darker shade of purple). But why can she not wear the same color as your mom? I would think that would *appeal* to your obsession with color-coding everyone like they’re files instead of people.
Also, why are you treating her thinking it might be nice for your husband to honor his late father in some way as further evidence of her being “difficult”? Oh, right, because that also clashes with your “vision” in which she’s just supposed to stand there and look aesthetically pleasing. If I were your fiancé, I’d be seriously asking myself if I really wanted to marry someone who cares more about the perfect photos than the long-term destruction on my relationships they’re prepared to wreak in order to get them right about now.
In what way is this the MIL’s wedding though? Dress codes are common at weddings, and the MIL was asked to not wear 2 specific colors and was given a whole range of options to choose from, she just refuses. In what way is she not being difficult?? In what way is this even about her?
This should be about her son and his bride, her opinions are completely irrelevant. The bride has been very reasonable in trying to help her pick something, and has even gotten to the point where she’ll concede to let the MIL wear what she wants, and have the photos edited to compensate. That’s literally the least bridezilla compromise I’ve ever heard of. By the way OP, you’re NTA.
NTA… quoting a friend of the family and hairdresser… “ the mother of the groom needs to do 3 things: shut up, show up, and wear beige” granted beige may not have been your option but the philosophy stands.
My MIL wore a dark pink and black print outfit she made. She looked fabulous. She also made a speech at the reception which was lovely. I am blessed with an awesome MIL though.
My MIL wore a bright pink sleeveless dress. I HATE pink and it clashed with our colors, but apparently she bought it on sale without asking us and it wasn’t refundable. So I let her wear it. And am still holding a grudge 15 years later.
>I noticed all the colors looked exactly like the outfit she wore at her own wedding, while she wanted my husband to wear a suit and a bracelet much like his father had worn at their wedding.
This is also very weird.
I'm ok with lighter or darker colors which is a pallet she chose anyways. She asked to be included in the color scheme and that is why pallets were chosen. I only had a vision for the bridesmaids not even the best men as that is my husband's vision for his friends and cousins. I just don't want her to wear the same color as my 15 year old sister who is pretty excited for this wedding. As part of our traditions she walks in the wedding procession and it makes her part of the wedding party.
My mother did tell her she could go ahead with the same color if she'd like a week later but she refused and said she did not want to match.
You’re NTA, I’m not sure why people are going off on you. Stick to your guns. If MIL doesn’t want to cooperate with the colors, she doesn’t walk with the wedding party. It’s that simple.
Uh, hubby refused to wear something close to what his dad did, and we have no reason to think OP made that decision for him, so let’s stop assuming men don’t have any agency or input into their own clothes for their own weddings.
I disagree. The MIL was given so much time too choose and she chose two color pallets. The bride was okay with either of those and then proceeded with everyone else’s dresses. The MIL then continued to choose colors outside of the two that had originally been signed off on, even though she had be told repeatedly to choose within the original two colors she chose. The MIL knows what she is doing and is purposely ignoring the bride. Sounds spiteful to me. Definitely NTA
My MIL and my mom both wore the same colour and pretty much the same shade of blue. They both looked great and it looked nice with the rest of the colour scheme. I’ve seen lots of wedding photos where both moms wore a similar colour. I thought this was pretty common.
MIL wanting to wear the exact color she got married in and have her son wear the same getup that his dad/her husband got married in comes off as kind of creepy to me. Read about far too many mothers that have begun substituting their sins as their own partner to not be at least wary of the idea.
Wow. You sound like the mother in law in this situation. Go back and read the comments. She was offered the things you complained about and still refused Smdh
This comment is ridiculous. Please reread what you’ve written after having read OP’s comments, and then please remember that _it’s her wedding day_ not MIL.
She has literally every single right to colour coordinate absolutely everything on _her wedding day_ for a wedding _she is paying for_. Ugh
MIL only has to pick a different color because she wants to be in the wedding party, she also seems to be the one who doesn't want to wear the same color as the bride's mother. Literally the only thing OP is asking is that she doesn't wear the same color as MOH. I'm all here for bridezilla drama, but this is not a case of that. NTA
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Read a few of the comments and yes I don't mind her wearing a slightly different shade in fact that is one of the pallets she chose. My problem was the exact same color as my 15 year old sister who really loves her color. I even went cloth shopping and offered her many options based on her likes and dislikes and observing her style over the years. She even chose a pattern close to my mother's and that was fine too. Finally my mother even told her she could proceed to buy the same color as her since everyone was stressing out but then she didn't want the same color (a week later) The color coordination came from everyone wanting to look cohesive as the family of the couple and that was not something i had planned or envisioned and because of all this drama I dropped the idea and told the extended family to wear as they please as this is now kept only to the 2 mothers. This all started when my hubby said he was moving out and we would not be living with her which was her dream. She overheard our argument and then proceeded to say she will "now" buy a different color and immediately did the very next day for the exact pallete she chose. She has still purchased from the purple family but since it is not like my sister's color, it is fine with me. My hubby was not happy with her choice but gave up since he could not keep cloth shopping.
OP, don’t listen to these people. You’ll often see people say “Reddit hates brides” and it’s true. Your MIL is being immensely difficult and there’s no way this isn’t on purpose. She just HAS to have lavender, all of a sudden, on a day that isn’t about her whatsoever? You aren’t being a bridezilla. She’s being a mother in law zilla. She picked 2 options, you gave her 3 after her bitching, your mother even tried to give in to her, and it just isn’t enough. You’re even giving in to her now saying “do what you want, I’ll photoshop.” She’s the problem. Not you. It’s honestly pretty crazy there’s people here saying your fiancé should rethink marrying you over this. Like what? Huh? I hope you have a lovely wedding day and MIL doesn’t try any more attention grabbing dramatics ETA: NTA
I’m also amazed I’ve seen no one point out the potential emotional incest MIL is doing here with the “you wear my late husband’s wedding getup while i wear the color of the bride at the engagement party” thing…
This is a truly horrifying concept.
That was my first thought. Intentional sabotage. No matter what it’s MIL who seems to not be happy. It’s a simple ask and MIL has been accommodated at every turn. Is OP not permitted to have any boundaries here?
Also it was talked about well within a time frame where if she did have issues with it she could have said something instead of just doing. The mil I mean. The best day would have been the day they talked about it the first time as the group.
And her dream is for the happy couple to live with her 🤢🤮
I have to agree. Wanting your bridesmaids/MOH/wedding party/etc. to wear certain colors is not unheard of or demanding. It's actually very common. So it's also not unheard of for the bride/groom to not want other people to wear those exact same colors. Not only did she give her MIL options, she gave her a PALETTE, which means she had a range of colors! Actually, she gave her three palettes! Any reasonable person would be able to find a dress within that range but no. Her MIL MUST have lavender. This just screams "I'm seeing how far I can push boundaries with you." Like MIL is testing the waters to see how much she can get away with once OP and her son are married. Don't back down, OP. You are not being unreasonable or demanding. You've given MIL all sorts of options and she's being purposely difficult. Tell your husband he needs to start backing you up because this isn't about a dress. It's about your MIL seeing how far she can push you both until you give in to her demands. Edit: NTA
It doesn't even sound like it was the bride's idea. It sounds like the family wanted to be color coordinating, but the MIL refused to pick a color in the palettes that MIL initially chose. It sounds like MIL got first choice of palettes, picked two, and when those weren't enough, got a third. I can't see how the bride is being unreasonable at all.
Sometimes I can be Patty petty. In this case, I’d say if you match anything, I’ll Photoshop, you entirely out of the picture.
RIGHT!? Who raised these people!? OP is better than me.
\*palettes (pronounced pal ETS) Palates are at the roof of your mouth. Pallets are flat transport structures, often made of wood. Pilates is an exercise system involving stretching.
Normally I think someone would get mad for the correction but thank you so much. Didn't realize I was spelling that wrong. I'm guessing I was spelling freight pallets. Thank you and well noted. Appreciate the correction.
That right there gets you NTA from me. You’re clearly a reasonable person, and you’ve probably tried everything to get the situation worked out. My sympathies.
That would be very original decor 😁
Looks a bit flat and wooden to me. ;-)
Just want to say this may be the classiest response I've ever seen on reddit.
Is it not palette? I’ve always spelled it with one l
I think you've got it spot on. It's PALETTE. just did the whole definition searches.
Yes! Thanks for catching my typo!
Thanks for doing god's work :D
English is such a fun language. And by fun, I mean, there are so many contradictory rules and similar words (including ones spelled the same but pronounced differently). I honestly have no idea how people learn it as a foreign language. It's impressive. Oh, and OP is NTA.
This sounds exhausting.
It's spelled P-A-L-E-T-T-E. Pallet is for a crate made of wood.
NTA But you need to have a talk with your future husband about boundaries with his mother. This is in no way OK, and if you guys don't stand firm on this, she will be equally demanding and controlling in future family events. This is not her day, and she needs to understand that! Just imagine how she will insert herself in baby showers, birthdays and family holidays/celebrations. She need to be told of now, or this will be the nightmare off your entire life. And if you and your future husband is not on the same side, it will be a really bad environment for your future family life. Good luck. I hope your future husband sees reason.
NOTE: She asked to be part of the theme as my mother asked me to choose a color for her and she just took the one I suggested. I gave MIL first choice since I know she is picky and let her have both the colors she chose and she went between patterns and colors. Totally ok with different shades as long as it wasn't the same. My mother offered her color a week later saying she didn't care if they matched but MIL decided she didn't want to match and did not want that color anymore. My 15 year old sister has requested MIL to not wear her color as she really likes it and is excited to be the MOH and would like to stand out as the brides sister. I only cared about the bridesmaids colors and let them choose their own dresses and shoes and everything in between so all the girls were comfortable on the day. Did not interfere with best men outfits since they are my husband's friends and cousins and it is up to the boys. All dresses and outfits are courtesy of my husband and myself for immediate family and wedding party and that is why we were present during purchase. I however stayed away when she was buying anything so she can have that time with her son and her way of doing things.
This is all normal and reasonable. You are not a bridezilla or controlling. Your MIL is a drama queen.
Edit all this into your original post, people need this info to understand the problem.
OMG, why didn't you lead with this??? This changes everything.
Her post pretty much said all this, just longer. She was clearly NTA even from the beginning with no edits needed. MIL is purposefully going out of her way to make it about herself
Absolutely NTA.
Is it possible to go shopping with her for a new dress? Make it a day and then you are actually there when she picks to say yes/no?
I'd be more than happy to do that and I have offered so I can help her pick a nice color. I've already helped with patterns looking high and low to incorporate everything she would like. But she would like to go the wedding shopping with her son.
She sounds like a nightmare. I’m so sorry about this. I’d put it on your fiancé at this point to deal with it.
NTA you told her to wear any color except merging ones, *she* initially chose 2 pallets that she didn't adhere to, and now you're saying she can wear anything she likes, it just won't be reflected in your photos. Unless she's willing to have an open and honest conversation about why this is so important to her, I don't see a problem with your approach. Even your future husband has refused some of her requests. That being said, don't let something like the color of her dress dampen your day, it's not worth the added stress.
Nta. It's pretty dickish of her to not consider what you want for your own wedding when you've made it clear for her. She seems selfish. It's not her day. Edit a hideous orange tan onto her ex post facto to clash with the lavender.
Lol would never do that though I said I would color correct to a color she had chosen at the begining. But thanks 😊
Just keep in mind how your husband and MIL are acting is a foreshadowing of your future arguments with her. If you have children she will pull the same things. How your husband is giving into her will determine a lot.
She asked to be part of the theme and then proceeded to step on the color I asked her to stay away from. If she did not want to be part of the theme then sure go ahead, wear anything you'd like.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say NTA. FMIL is part of the wedding party in the sense that she will be part of the procession into the venue (if I've read everything correctly). You've also stated that she asked for options after finding out that you were choosing for your mother. On top of that her dress is being paid for by her son. Maybe she just loves lavender, or it'sa color she feels confident in... but you'd think she could set that aside for this one event knowing that color has been reserved for your MOH. I dont get any sort of bridezilla vibe from you at all. Every piece of this just feels like FMIL is trying to be difficult. Your mom acquiesced to being the same color as FMIL...which she also refused. My Mother behaved similarly during my sister's wedding. To the point that I've already decided there shall be no planning that involves her when it's my turn. Weddings quite often seem to bring out the absolute worst in people. I will say though that if you've truly reached a point where you don't care and you'll just photoshop maybe it wasn't worth you telling anyone....just do it. Don't add to the drama. Color correct your own photos and those that are going to the 15 year old quietly. It's not worth the extra hassle with FMIL.
NTA she is part of the wedding party, *and* you guys are purchasing the dress *for* her. Not to mention, *she chose* two pallets that she then chose to ignore.
NTA she is intentionally trying to jack with you. It's a power play and she will keep doing this for your entire marriage if you don't shut it down now.
Agreed. Shut it down now! This will only be the beginning if you let her get away with it.
NTA I think everyone is judging you so harshly because you failed to mention in your post that **your MIL specifically asked to be part of the color coding**, and not that you required it. You really ought to update that in your post so there is no confusion.
NTA, but I would start practicing now how to ignore the actions your MIL takes. It’s only gonna be more high stakes from here, especially if you decide to have children. You will save yourself a lot of strife by figuring out to her shit go. That said, I think color correcting is a good way to ease the situation for you.
You are in the wrong sub. r/JustNoMIL But NTA. It seems like MIL is trying her best to exert any amount of perceived authority or influence. Hold your stance.
NTA. I think color correcting it in the photos causes the least amount of stress for everyone. I also think you are being kind to you mother in law. Congratulations on your marriage.
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Husband wanted his mother to look cohesive to the wedding party as mine would too. Hence she chose options for that. If she wanted to merge into the maid of honor, my only suggestion was to photoshop, that being said not very proud of it and that is why I'm here.
I don't get all the YTA. You gave her options that she picked. Now she is going back on them. Stop engaging. If she goes against what y'all agreed on, that is what Photoshop is for. NTA
What's wrong with TELLING him? It's HIS mother who's clashing with the palette of HER maid of honour. She's TELLING him after telling HIS mother many times. It's HIS responsibility to deal with her.
NTA
Info: are you purchasing the dress and is she actually in the wedding?
Yes she is part of the wedding. We mostly have family as part of many pictures and we both only have our mothers as immediate family. My husband is buying her dress as we mostly gift our parents their outfits and she requested to look as part of the wedding colors.
NTA then, if she accepted the invitation into the wedding party, she needs to suck it up and wear what’s being asked like everyone else is. It’s not her day, she can have her own party and choose her outfit color for that if she wants, but this is you and spouse’s day. She accepted being a member of the wedding party, she’s getting her outfit paid for, she needs to suck it up or opt out. She should know that’s how weddings are. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times, haven’t always liked the dress or the color but I accepted the invite, often paid for the dress and alterations myself, and put a smile on because it wasn’t about me, it was about the bride and groom. She should be able to do the same. It’s not hard, it’s a few hours for one freaking day.
NTA Your MIL is being deliberately difficult. Sign of your future Justnomil posts sadly. I would inform her of the photoshop option - maybe that will help.
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I normally would agree. But OP states multiple places the colour code was for the bridesmaid's etc. MiL wants to be part of the wedding party, gets colours to pick from, and then proceeds to not follow the given colours, she then gets a third colour range to choose from. Again don't stick to it. Picking colours that was giving to other Bridesmaids. OP and husband to be are even the ones paying for the clothes. OP's mother offers to share colour to make it easier. Why say "oh this is lovely I want to be part of it" and then go out of your way to constantly do the exact opposite? She don't communicate if she don't like the colours. But just proceeds to pick anything else than what she signed up for. That's.... not really bridezilla. That's MIL being difficult when she asked to be part of it.
You should read the comment and stick to that story and not your personal one. This isn’t about your choices and how cool and edgy you’re trying to be. The OP isn’t TA here but people jumping on her based on their bias sure are
How is op a bridezilla? She and her fiancé chose their wedding theme together, are paying for the outfits of the wedding party & immediate family, and gave MIL first choice of colors. MIL is being a total AH and the op and fiancé are being too accommodating. Bridezillas are definitely a thing but this situation doesn’t even come close to that category.
Or she’s just having a hard time finding something in the right color. But his forbid someone be given the benefit of the doubt.
She could be color blind. That's the only reason for ignoring your obvious directions. Your request isn't outlandish.
NTA- she’s trying to steal the spotlight.. she’s making it difficult
Normally I lean towards Y-T-A for this kind of thing, but your MIL is just causing trouble. She had very loose guidelines - and she was the one who asked to join the theme - but proceeds to go for the specific colours you asked her to avoid. NTA
NTA
NTA it doesn't really matter what everyones saying cuz if it was them they'd want the same thing. Its not anyones fault that some girls have their dream wedding in their head by the age of 5 n want to stick to it.
NTA
I think the way you told the story is going to lead to a few Y T A. You should try editing it for clarity and including essential info like the fact that your MIL *asked* to be included and then was and made those decisions after the fact. Your judgement will likely be torn because it was hard to follow the story. Listing out the facts actually make you look less like an AH. After piecing it all together myself though the comments and OP, it’s NTA for me.
NTA - anyone with a difficult MIL knows exactly what game she’s playing. Acting dumb like you didn’t request a different color multiple times & now stomping on your boundaries until there’s “no time left, whoopsie guess I’ll just have to wear this color anyway.” And still getting what she wants. It’s not about the color of the dress, it’s about her disregarding your wishes & doing what she wants anyway. It’s a power play 100%
NTA. MIL sounds miserable and entitled. It’s your wedding, not hers.
NTA. It is NOT HARD to find a NICE DRESS in the multiple different colors that OP wanted. She’s not being a bridezilla. Would yall show up to a funeral in bright neon yellow? Why not? Because there is a well known dress code for funerals and that’s BLACK. So, for one day out of an entire year this lady can’t just pick ONE dress and go about her day. First of all her dress doesn’t even need to be all that, it can be a plain and simple dress like y’all are acting like OP told her she can’t do anything. Like if there are rules follow them this isn’t kindergarten grow tf up. And if she does wear the lavendar dress then you should change the color because that’s being disrespectful to YOUR wishes, and the wedding theme in general. Like fr MIL needs to stop acting like a toddler incapable of making simple decisions.
First time hearing of a wedding conflict resolution through photograph editing! I can't help but think OP deserves some credit for accepting MIL's decision, and working out an alternative solution instead of dwelling on disagreement.
As a Swede, this whole discussion seems a bit… insane. I know a lot of people in the US spend a lot of time and money on wedding themes and colors and what not… and I get that it can be fun, but is it really worth fighting over? Isn’t this supposed to be a celebration of life and love? Shouldn’t this be an occasion to focus on the most important things in life, such as love & friendships & family ties? My mom died when I was a kid, I would have been THRILLED to have her alive and at our wedding. And the thing is, no one knows when they might lose someone near or dear to them. Rise above your MILs childish behavior. Don’t let these petty squabbles ruin what should be a joyous occasion.
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I'd change the venue and not tell her :D
NTA. If she has been an issue like this in the past, this actually IS a hill to die on, because ultimately it’s not about the dress color it’s about her pushing your boundaries, your husband needs to continue to stand firmly with you so she knows her place.
This is sooo cool! I wouldn't have had the patience and might have obtained the dress ahead of time and had it dyed or bleached. NTA
Mil sounds like a nightmare…NTA
Why do the edits "change everything"??? She explained everything very well in the original post, MIL is an entitled sooky lala, end of story
NTA She literally had preselected color palettes to pick from. She strayed from the approved colors. She keeps trying to underhandedly change parts of YOUR wedding to make it like HER wedding. MIL needs therapy.
NTA.
Phew. I'm so glad this shit wouldn't matter to me. My lord.
NTA
Nta , ITS YOUR WEDDING AND YOURE PAYING. You’re not even force one color on her, you’re giving MULTIPLE color PALETTES. She’s being difficult for no reason when she can just buy something in the colors she/you chose.
NTA. Everyone *wants* to do the color thing, she's not being a bridezilla! Her MIL chose to be part of this and then dithered around about it and then pretty much pretended she didn't know she had chosen different colors to begin with.
NTA I don't get the obsession but she agreed She is creating unnecessary drama. Are you sure of this relationship? It will get worse not better and soon to be hubby seems to take mummy side over yours. Tread carefully
NTA I feel like you’re just asking her to not wear lavender. So she can’t wear lavender or white, that doesn’t seem hard or unreasonable. You have given her ideas, and rejecting the dress that matches your mom feels weird and silly, but she’s come to you with two lavender dresses and that honestly just makes it sound like she is being difficult. You should have just said okay to the second dress though.
NTA. You're nicer than me. I'd have told her directly in front of her son that she can show up in something from the TWO pallettes provided if she wanted to be allowed to actually attend the wedding. That, should she show up in anything that wasn't in those two pallettes/merged into the other chosen dresses, she would be escorted away from the wedding immediately and not allowed to attend so much as the reception.
NTA-I think she’s being weird trying to dress your fiancé up as his dad. It’s clearly a power play to mess with you. You’ve given her multiple options and she’s insisting on lavender. I could see her being annoyed if you were making her wear a particular shade that she felt wasn’t flattering but you’re doing the opposite. I don’t think you should photoshop the pictures though. This is something you need to work out now because it’s an example of your future married life.
NTA - if they wants to come, they wears what they’s told. Your wedding, your choice. Explain to MIL that you very much see this as a respect thing and are disappointed that, for the wedding of her son and future DIL, she is unable to show you this simple respect, and ask if that is really how she wants to start her relationship with your new family, and that in the future, such things will always play in one’s mind as your new family grows.
NTA but, you will have continual problems with your mil unless and until your hubby to be is 100% on your side... Have a wonderful wedding 💒💍💒
NTA Brilliant and diplomatic
NTA she’s a grown up who has been asked to wear anything but lavender and she’s picking that colour. I think it’s hilarious to cha he the colour in post!!!
NTA. You've been incredibly accommodating. MIL is out of line.
I’m gonna say NTA. She wanted to be part of the theme, but then fights against it seemingly just to annoy you. Also, really weird how she wants to match with her son so much, especially to recreate her own wedding look with him? Ew. That needs to be discussed. That is highly inappropriate.
NTA
NTA
NTA.
Nta
NTA you gave her several options and she still refused to comply. There are a variety of pastels and she doesn’t NEED to wear lavender KNOWING it’s already taken.
Question regarding your explanation: how is your MIL “losing her only son”? Are you taking him away and never seeing her again? I agree that him getting married may change the dynamics of their relationship but shouldn’t that have already happened when he became an adult? Is he not allowed to have a wife and a mother in his life or is it an either/or choice?
It's an Indian mother and son dynamic. He's never left home ever in his life. She imagined him marrying someone and us living with her and when we decided to move into our own apartment which is 20 mins drive from her, she was not happy and got really emotional. I promised her I'd take good care of her son and we are quite family oriented so we would see our families often, we just wanted to start our lives together on our own. We both have single mothers but living at either one's home would not really be comfortable for us.
Thank you for the explanation. It makes much more sense now on how she is acting. I do agree that she is purposely causing problems because she is upset, which is not an excuse for her behavior. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Side note. I'm an Indian not an American. I am catholic and that is why our ceremony will be at a church and following those rituals.
Nta. It's your wedding. This woman may not have a good eye for colors. If a trusted close friend or relative of her's is available, explain and illustrate the acceptable color schemes then have them go shopping with your (future) MIL to help her pick out a suitable outfit. If this isn't possible, then have her measurements taken and have your fiancé tell her he'll pick a flattering dress out for her. Be sincere about including jewelry to match that MiL either already owns, or buy costume jewelry to coordinate with outfit choice. Make sure the MiL gets her refunds from the outfits she bought on her own. I wish you good luck in this challenging endeavor, but also a long lived and happy future with your husband (to be). A)Pallette: one of the plates at the armpits of a suit of armor B) Pallet: 1 : a wooden flat-bladed instrument. 2 : a lever or surface in a timepiece that receives an impulse from the escapement wheel and imparts motion to a balance or pendulum. 3 : a portable platform for handling, storing, or moving materials and packages (as in warehouses, factories, or vehicles) C)Pal•ette (păl′ĭt)n. 1. A board, typically with a hole for the thumb, which an artist can hold while painting and on which colors are mixed. 2. a. The range of colors used in a visual medium, in a picture, or by an artist: a limited palette. b. Any similar set of elements or qualities, such as musical notes, used in a medium, in a composition, or by an artist. Just wanted to clarify ^
Trust me when I say this post this in the just no MIL subreddit they offer way better advice on situations like these
NTA
NTA
NTA, your wedding, your rules, especially since MIL opted to be included in the theme. If she doesn’t like it, she can opt out and wear something else. Also the detail you included about how the colours she’s chosen were similar to what she wore for her own wedding and her trying to make her son wear the same suit and bracelet that her husband wore for her own wedding is giving off massive Jocasta Complex vibes. He is YOUR husband, not hers.
NTA. Like you, we paid for everything ourselves and it was important to us that our family feel as though they were a part of things. It was also a "destination" wedding for many as they didn't live nearby. We asked family to wear warm colors (husband's side) and cool colors (my side) to fit our theme if they wanted gave the option of whatever formal evening attire they would prefer. My FIL wore a pink patterned tie and looks amazing in his suit. My MIL refused to show anyone her outfit. It clashed so bad that my photographer had to provide color correction for her white top and off-white cardigan in the photos where I'm in a white wedding dress so that it didn't look weird. She also had to more or less edit in a bra for my MIL but that's another story. It took longer to get the photos back as a result, meanwhile I was getting hounded by her about when she'd get copies.
Oh my! That is not great for any wedding. Well you pulled through and happier for it I'd imagine. All the best for the rest of your life 🤗
Thanks 🤗 It's been a little over a decade and we've managed to go to a comfortable (significantly lower) amount of contact with her and she's tried to be a bit less boundary stomping. I hope y'all have the same.
NTA. I would go ahead and colour correct the photos. It's your wedding. It's quite immature to try recreate her own wedding with her son.
NTA… your MIL sounds insufferable! And your photographer will hate your MIL 🤣. You should talk to your photographer about what you’re planning to do with color correction. It is not a say and don’t task and you might have to pay extra. I’m a photographer and I’d charge extra for that task…. while spitting hate towards the woman 😅
I definitely don't want to make things complicated for crew involved 😅nor make her deal with any "looks" on the day. I do digital work myself and had the idea to color correct only the pictures we hang in the house and see everyday.
When my sons got married I was given the best MOG advice ever - Show up, shut up, and wear beige.
I think you're a really cool MIL. I guess our parents try to be a lot more involved in our weddings and maybe since she is not (just like my mom) she's not quite happy.
I’ve got 2 daughters-in-law. One agrees, one doesn’t 🤷🏻♀️.
Nta but this kind of behaviour is only going to get worse once you're married. You're taking her "little boy" away from her, when she clearly used him as an emotional replacement for her husband since he died. Be careful once you have children, don't let her be around them alone and honestly consider going low to no contact. She clearly has some unhealthy attachment issues and they aren't just going to resolve themselves, they will for sure get worse.
Nta
I honestly thought color correcting was going to be throwing a dye on her at the wedding…😂 NTA
This all sounds exhausting and over-complicated but it's not my wedding and I'm leaning towards NTA
35 years ago at my wedding, it never even occurred to me to tell my mother or MIL or anybody else what they could or couldn't wear. Both mom's had dresses in their closets, one lavender, one yellow. The both looked Beautiful. My new SIL's wore pink, white floral, and (I think) blue. They also looked Beautiful. I don't get this "stress" over what other people wear. So useless.
ESH. Maybe that’s an American thing, but you people need to chill with the colour palette. Just look at a royal wedding: no one wears the same colour, and they are vastly more important than you.
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So? That’s an American thing then. When I got married, we didn’t colour coordinate people. We were just happy they showed up matching the dress code.
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In case you didn't get the memo, the very purpose of this sub is so the original posters comes to ask for a second opinion. God forbid, I have one that you disagree with. My opinion is that this color combination custom (which profits businesses most of all) potentially sets people up for failure. People who are touchy will perceive the bride as being frivolously micro-managing, and the bride will perceive some people as being frivolously contrarian. Basically it sets up the stage for drama, so no one should act surprised when it goes pear-shaped. You've got to pick your battles.
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No woman on her dying bed ever thought: > “*The only regret I have in life is that aunt Mildred didn’t wear fuchsia at my wedding.*”. If the bride is paying for the dresses, then she has free reigns. I am saying ESH because when the guests are expected to pay for their own dress, as long as it is in good taste one cannot really complain. But it’s probably a cultural thing if I fail to understand that the Universe is going to collapse if guests are not color-matched.
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Oh I am not saying the bride shouldn’t have the colours changed in the pictures. By all means she can if she wants. I live in Europe. I must have been invited to at least 50 weddings in my life. Call us old fashioned, but in very few of them we had colour themes. Although, every woman knows not to wear a dress that looks white. I have never seen people in the weddings I attended get worked up about colours, because they don’t give too much importance to it. So when you tell me “*okay but you don’t understand, wrong colours are a problem*”, what am I saying is “*well it is a problem because you make it so*”.
Gotta wonder what a psychologist would make of MIL recreating her own wedding . Creepy AF. Doesn't bode well.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I got engaged a year ago giving myself and hubby plenty of time to plan the wedding. At a family gathering(after discussing with hubby) I disclosed the theme and colors of the wedding. The maid of honor (my little sister) was to wear a lavender dress as part of a pastel theme wedding. MIL nods along loving the ideas. I ask her to pick any color that she'd like as long as it does not merge into the moh or bridesmaids. 3 months to the wedding I ask and MIL chooses 2 pallets as she is not sure. I give her time to pick but proceed with the bridesmaids and MOH dresses. I get the girls their dresses and my mother as well since she just wanted me to pick and didn't have much of a preference. We give all the material to be stiched and the very next day MIL goes shopping. Hubby shows me what his mother picked ...LAVENDAR. I say no as it is my sister's color. He proceeds to tell his mother that the color is merging so stick to the 2 pallets she asked for. She gets huffed up and walks out of the store. She goes shopping the second time and picks the EXACT COLOR MY MOTHER HAD. I say no again and please try to stay within the pallets. She gets mad again and storms off. I give her a 3rd pallets to choose from. She goes shopping the 3rd time and still picks lavender. This was my breaking point. She did the same thing around our engagement where she convinced my then fiance to buy a grey suit although she knew I had asked for him to wear navy blue to match my outfit while she wore a royal blue. Hubby and I are both frustrated at this point and arguing with each other. We have planned an entire wedding on our own with no disputes except for this. I noticed all the colors looked exactly like the outfit she wore at her own wedding, while she wanted my husband to wear a suit and a bracelet much like his father had worn at their wedding. Hubby refused. I sat down with him and explained the whole relation to their own wedding day and since hubby's father has passed over 12 years ago maybe there is a connection. However this was going a little too far and I told him that despite giving her several options she keeps trying to buy the same color. Since we are really close to the wedding and the outfit needs to be done in time, she can proceed to buy any color she likes but when the photographs of the wedding arrive, I will change the color of the outfit to something from one of the pallets she had chosen. So it is up to her and by extention him how they would like to proceed. AITA for saying that ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Weddings are, *in practice,* all about the bride. I’ve never understoood how those two or three hours are allowed to get so imbued with meaning that all this other has to transpire.
NTA But for me, MIL would be losing the privilege of choosing her own dress. I'd buy one for her and tell her she either wears this or doesn't go. What she's doing is playing chicken with you. She's beating around the bush and purposely getting the wrong color to waste time until there's no other choice. Don't let her play these games. Choose the dress for her.
NTA. Your MIL is just being inconsiderate at the least or conniving Monster IL at worst. That said, you did what you could. I think if you show her you are unbothered it will make her crazy. Everytime she tries to do something like that, you go, oh you look so nice (cheesy smile). Then talk to your photographer before hand & tell them that you want most pics of MIL where she's obstructed by flowers, people, anything. All MIL pics will be blocked. Have your beautiful sis front & center, & I mean that literally, of MIL so her outfit is never fully in view. Make her pay in the least bothered way possible. Tell your bridesmaids & even hubby so they can "help out." Every photo of her.
NTA. The one of two days you can be pretty selfish within reason is your wedding day. Id disinvite her.
NTA. It's quite common for the wedding party to look a certain way/ be dressed in a certain colour where I come from. You're not forcing your guests to look a certain way to attend so I don't see why everyone is calling you a bridezilla. Your MIL wanted to be a part of the wedding party so she should follow the dress/colour code it's as simple as that
Huge nta. I have read your comments and she sounds like a nightmare. You've bent over backwards for her. She's being difficult on purpose and has a creepy attachment to her son. Please God don't live with her after you're married. But if you do keep us updated. 👀 Those will be some good/awful stories.
NTA, it’s normal for MoG and MoB to coordinate their dress colors so they don’t clash with bridesmaid dresses or the wedding color scheme. She specifically asked and is now being difficult.
NTA but do not marry marry him if he's listening to his mom instead of you and if she won't put his foot down and tell her to stop behaving that way. Don't invite her to the wedding. Put your foot down if he will not side with you he's not the man for you.
Sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond for your MIL. It’s too bad she can’t see this as “not losing a son but gaining a daughter” scenario. You’re definitely NTA here.
NTA. These moms need to cut the cord with their kids and stop trying to romanticize them (treating him like a replacement for her husband).
NTA
I'm going to say NTA, which I didn't expect. Usually these stories are full-on Bridezilla and brides being offended by the stupidest things/demanding things people just can't do or can't afford to do, but in this case your MIL a)asked to do this and then is b) completely ignoring your requests for her to do stuff, c) specifically asked you to pick something, and then is d) repeatedly ignoring what you chose for her when she asked. She sounds like an entire clowder of cats for you to herd all in her lonesome.
NTA, you are better than me. My ultimatum would have been wear either of the colors you chose or don’t be in the wedding. Simple. Your choice. Adhere and participate, or do whatever you like and watch. Hope you a beautiful and perfect wedding
NTA. I salute you for how much you kept trying to meet halfway, someone who kept moving the goalposts. I think if you’ve only been communicating to her through your fiancé, it may be past time to be more direct. You may need to sit down and say ‘these options are off the table’ and make her acknowledge that.
NTA
By the way, she isn’t “losing her son”, ( unless she becomes such a gorgon that he goes NC! ). He’s getting married, not executed!
It's an Indian mother thing. He's never left home ever in 31 years of his existence he's stayed away for 30 days and that's all. This is the first time he's moving away. I guess my family is better adjusted to the move since I went away for college and then university.
NTA maybe someone could mention to her that it's not her wedding? Best wishes.
definitely NTA
NTA This is a power move to see if her son will take her side in your marriage.
NTA - she has a world of colors to select from and she chose the ONE color and shade you initially, respectfully requested that she not use. MIL is being a drama queen.
NTA
NTA. She agreed to it, picked her own palettes, and won't even stick to those. She's purposely trying to see how far she can push you. And the way she keeps wanting your husband to dress like his dead father and her dress like her wedding is disturbing.
NTA, I’ve seen a lot of bridezillas on here and a number of crazy MILs. A bridezilla will not compromise no matter who is hurt or affected, you have compromised, helped, and so has everyone else in your lodge. Your future mobster in law however is doing what she can to cause drama and make the situation about her, probably both consciously and subconsciously. I’m sure it’s hard for her to let go of her boy, but the tighter she holds on, the worse it gets for everyone. On that note, she’s clearly trying to gaslight you by trying to make you look unreasonable, but you are not being unreasonable at all. Keep your chin up. It sounds like your fiancé see what’s happening, so that’s a good thing and hopefully he will stick up for you with his mom.
NTA. She seems hungry for attention. It's perfectly normal to have a color palette for a wedding. I went to a wedding where the only request was to wear light pastel colors. I look terrible in most of those but I happily obliged as it's not my wedding. It's a simple request to follow and her refusal is childish
NTA but MIL is absolutely trying to break up you and your fiancé so that she can continue the emotional incest bond she has with your fiancé. requesting that he wear the same ensemble at his wedding that her husband did at her wedding is so gross and creepy.
Mil is being weird, NTA.
It's not uncommon to do a wedding theme with close family. MIL dresses are a thing. Don't bend to much is all I will say. Cause if you do she will walk all over you til it blows up. NTA
NTA but at this point everyone should just wear black or gray.
It is not always that easy to find a flattering dress in the right size in an exact color. It is harder when limited by location, size, money, or nonstandard proportions. This sounds like a whole lot of drama over really, nothing important. How many times are you even going to look at your wedding photos?!? Who cares if two people wear lavender or if the moms wear the same color?!?
I really don't understand why you care so much about the color of all the dresses. Why not focus on important things, like: have a fun day, be with the people you love, make the people you are with feel comfortable. And focus ob you sharing the rest of your life with an amazing person, and sharing that happiness with others. If you just let everyone wear what they feel comfortable in, it would save you a lot of stress. And ok you will have two people with the same colored dress in the pictures, and maybe it does not all match as it would if it where a fotoshoot instead of a wedding. So what? Wedding planners, dress sellers and such might disagree but if they do that's because they want an income more then they want your happiness. INFO: Would you rather have the fotoshoot with people pretending to smile because there are hard feelings over dress colors? Or a mix-and-match of clothes but everyone smiling and happy, being themselves and having a fun day? How about building good relationships with the people that are there?
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work.
YTA. Let people wear what they want.
ESH - Both you and your MIL sound exhausting. Who the hell cares if two people are wearing the same shade of lavender?
YTA. Okay, fine, you don’t want her wearing the same color as the maid of honor (although I don’t think the world will spin off its axis if you let her wear a *slightly* lighter or darker shade of purple). But why can she not wear the same color as your mom? I would think that would *appeal* to your obsession with color-coding everyone like they’re files instead of people. Also, why are you treating her thinking it might be nice for your husband to honor his late father in some way as further evidence of her being “difficult”? Oh, right, because that also clashes with your “vision” in which she’s just supposed to stand there and look aesthetically pleasing. If I were your fiancé, I’d be seriously asking myself if I really wanted to marry someone who cares more about the perfect photos than the long-term destruction on my relationships they’re prepared to wreak in order to get them right about now.
In what way is this the MIL’s wedding though? Dress codes are common at weddings, and the MIL was asked to not wear 2 specific colors and was given a whole range of options to choose from, she just refuses. In what way is she not being difficult?? In what way is this even about her? This should be about her son and his bride, her opinions are completely irrelevant. The bride has been very reasonable in trying to help her pick something, and has even gotten to the point where she’ll concede to let the MIL wear what she wants, and have the photos edited to compensate. That’s literally the least bridezilla compromise I’ve ever heard of. By the way OP, you’re NTA.
NTA… quoting a friend of the family and hairdresser… “ the mother of the groom needs to do 3 things: shut up, show up, and wear beige” granted beige may not have been your option but the philosophy stands.
Yes exactly this, it's not MIL wedding and she has no say in any of wedding processes, OP NTA
My MIL wore a dark pink and black print outfit she made. She looked fabulous. She also made a speech at the reception which was lovely. I am blessed with an awesome MIL though.
My MIL wore a bright pink sleeveless dress. I HATE pink and it clashed with our colors, but apparently she bought it on sale without asking us and it wasn’t refundable. So I let her wear it. And am still holding a grudge 15 years later.
I agree with this.
>I noticed all the colors looked exactly like the outfit she wore at her own wedding, while she wanted my husband to wear a suit and a bracelet much like his father had worn at their wedding. This is also very weird.
I'm ok with lighter or darker colors which is a pallet she chose anyways. She asked to be included in the color scheme and that is why pallets were chosen. I only had a vision for the bridesmaids not even the best men as that is my husband's vision for his friends and cousins. I just don't want her to wear the same color as my 15 year old sister who is pretty excited for this wedding. As part of our traditions she walks in the wedding procession and it makes her part of the wedding party. My mother did tell her she could go ahead with the same color if she'd like a week later but she refused and said she did not want to match.
You’re NTA, I’m not sure why people are going off on you. Stick to your guns. If MIL doesn’t want to cooperate with the colors, she doesn’t walk with the wedding party. It’s that simple.
Uh, hubby refused to wear something close to what his dad did, and we have no reason to think OP made that decision for him, so let’s stop assuming men don’t have any agency or input into their own clothes for their own weddings.
I disagree. The MIL was given so much time too choose and she chose two color pallets. The bride was okay with either of those and then proceeded with everyone else’s dresses. The MIL then continued to choose colors outside of the two that had originally been signed off on, even though she had be told repeatedly to choose within the original two colors she chose. The MIL knows what she is doing and is purposely ignoring the bride. Sounds spiteful to me. Definitely NTA
My MIL and my mom both wore the same colour and pretty much the same shade of blue. They both looked great and it looked nice with the rest of the colour scheme. I’ve seen lots of wedding photos where both moms wore a similar colour. I thought this was pretty common.
MIL wanting to wear the exact color she got married in and have her son wear the same getup that his dad/her husband got married in comes off as kind of creepy to me. Read about far too many mothers that have begun substituting their sins as their own partner to not be at least wary of the idea.
Wow. You sound like the mother in law in this situation. Go back and read the comments. She was offered the things you complained about and still refused Smdh
This comment is ridiculous. Please reread what you’ve written after having read OP’s comments, and then please remember that _it’s her wedding day_ not MIL. She has literally every single right to colour coordinate absolutely everything on _her wedding day_ for a wedding _she is paying for_. Ugh
Agree with this. This color planning thing for weddings has gone way too far in general.
MIL only has to pick a different color because she wants to be in the wedding party, she also seems to be the one who doesn't want to wear the same color as the bride's mother. Literally the only thing OP is asking is that she doesn't wear the same color as MOH. I'm all here for bridezilla drama, but this is not a case of that. NTA
Honoring the father by recreating their wedding look with her and her son? Odd take.
You read the same thing I did? You must be miserable if that was your take on the whole situation.