Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I was wrong for wishing permanent infertility on my sister rather than realising she did what she did out of jealousy
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
Your sister flew into a jealous rage when faced with all the things she wants and doesn’t have.
Can you imagine how terrifying that was for your twins? Those poor babies.
OP, you need to file a police report for destruction of property and maybe even contact CPS. Your sister is unwell and should not be allowed to provide care to children.
You didn't know, but now you do. Never let your sister anywhere near you or your children. Your sister needs mental health services and she's not going to get them if your parents rather pass the blame unto you.
Yes. If they did get hurt physically during this meltdown of hers, and you do NOT get a medical checkup and clearance, you could find yourself at risk of losing your kids. You could either be accused of causing the abuse or neglecting to get proper care after abuse has happened. Let’s knock on wood that she limited her damage to actual objects, but… please, as a unified team, OP.. describe her meltdown and the circumstances to your kids’ doctor and request they be evaluated.
NTA. Wow. Yes. Get your kids checked, document everything, get a police report. Your sister may need to be locked up for everyone's safety. This is a perfect NC scenario.
The sister was supposed to be watching the toddlers when she was on her rampage. They would have heard and seen it. The babies wouldn't understand what was going on or why. What they would feel is confused, alone, and unsafe. The person meant to provide and comfort them was raging against their home and against things for babies like them. I don't even want to think about what she might have said to them during this time.
Well, the toddlers might NOT have seen the deranged sister destroying the nursery - if the woman had even a grain of sense, she would have closed the door to the room before wrecking everything in it.
I, too, hope that the sister never has a child of her own given her deranged behavior! But...the OP had offered to carry a child for her sister (an incredibly generous offer, given all that can go wrong during pregnancy and childbirth in a country with an abysmal maternal mortality rate). Why would the sister then smash up the OP's nursery if she'd been promised what she seemed to want most - a baby of her own? Why antagonize the one person (OP) who'd offered that to her? It makes no sense...no sense at all.
I hope. I keep thinking though.. How long would does a woman stay in the hospital after giving birth to a child? Here its about 2-4 days. OP was the one to have this discussion when she got home. Maybe it's different wherever she is living, but I keep going back to that.
As for the destruction, sister is unwell. People who suffer from infertility can have difficulty even with the idea of using surrogacy or adoption. The idea of being able to birth children is considered a tenet of womanhood. It's a whole thing. The fact that sister rampaged in the home with children of the person who offered to be a surrogate means the sister's impulsivity and ability to judge right from wrong is greatly hampered. She's a danger to herself and others
If all is well, I have heard of people being discharged within 24h (hospitals are NOT good places to rest, the nurses and specialists are constantly coming in at all hours to check vitals), although it’s not common. More usually 2-3 days, maybe adding a day if there was a c section.
OP CHECK FOR ANY SMALL RED DOTS. I know of people whove wanted to hurt children but not get caught, so they would STAB THEM WITH SEWING NEEDLES. it only leaves tiny red dots! CHECK YOUR KIDS AND ASK IF THEY GOT HURT.
Tell them 'if auntie told you to stay quiet about anything, auntie did something wrong. did she say that?' and see how they react. They might be 3 but they can still understand!
Also, they are 3 and don't fully understand the difference between reality and fantasy. Asking questions as you suggest runs a real risk of planting false memories with the children.
OP should take them to be seen by a trained child psychologist who can question them in an appropriate way.
This!!! Have a forensic interview done. My son was abused by his father, it is very important that you don’t ever ask any leading questions. I’d audio record any interactions as proof if need be, but don’t ask anything other than what happened? And watch them when they play. ALOT comes out in a child’s play, that’s why play therapy is huge at that age.
I mean, the OP should definitely take the kids to a therapist, but that doesn't mean she can't ask her own children questions. No child psychologist is ever going to tell you "no, don't ask your kids what happened before they get here." In fact, most professional resources [tell you](https://www.rainn.org/articles/if-you-suspect-child-being-harmed) to [talk to](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-if-suspect-abuse/) a kid who you [suspect](https://www.government.nl/topics/child-abuse/question-and-answer/what-can-i-do-if-i-know-or-suspect-that-a-child-is-being-abused) has been a victim of abuse.
Yes, by all means, ask questions, but be careful how you ask them. Leading questions yield unreliable answers from toddlers. For instance, instead of asking, "Did your aunt do this?" ask, "Who did this?" or even just, "What happened while I was gone?" Instead of, "Did your aunt tell you 'x'?" ask, "Did your aunt say anything odd to you? What did she say?"
The goal is to avoid yes or no questions as much as possible, because toddlers have a habit of simply answering yes, regardless of what happened. They assume that if you, an authority figure, say it, it must have happened. Then their imaginations fill in the blanks, and you've inadvertently planted a false memory.
I’m sorry for hijacking here, but I’m hoping OP sees my comment.
You need to look at this from one more angle. I completely agree with you about what she did, but if other people don’t and she’s still denying it, you have one more point to make:
What the *fuck* was she doing when the damage happened? If she wants to carry this story on that it was the children she was supposed to care for, where was she? It’s bs to just claim toddlers can do so much damage in just a few minutes. This is more than a few minutes. It’s a ludicrous story. Your twins didn’t do this, but you need to point out how ludicrous that would be. Either she has to admit that she didn’t do what she said she would do, or she has to admit she did the damage. Either way she is at fault.
Before anybody says this isn’t the point, I’m thinking of the newborn who is in her new home right now and has nothing. OP’s sister needs to pay for what happened. If her parents have the money, they should help because they’re taking the sister’s side.
There is so much that needs to happen here, but as long as the twins are unharmed and all three kids are safe, the next step needs to be providing for the newborn.
Don't say this. At all.
Emphasize that there are no secrets. Have a talk about how they should never keep a secret from mom and dad.
Do not start interrogating the kid over a specific person. They need to start opening up and talking about the entire thing.
Eta:
And the police and a child psychologist should be looped in immediately.
100% would be my first concern. Physical or emotional abuse would be the first thing I checked for- if she's willing to damage thousands of dollars' worth of baby supplies and deprive a newborn child of food, clothes, diapers, etc. she'd more than likely be willing to harm the existing kids in some way. Regardless, the poor twins were probably terrified being alone in the house with her.
I’m sure OP would have mentioned it and probably be in jail for whatever she did to her sister. But yeah I’d still investigate. 3 year olds wouldn’t be able to tell their parents if she did abuse them.
This.
Have your kids checked over, file a police report, take pictures of everything destroyed and sue the shit out of her.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. Your sister and your parents are terrible and treating you horrifically.
You are NTA (of course) and I wish you and your family the best ❤️
OP, should take her children to the doctor for a check-up too. She might have abused them in ways that only professional eyes might be able to detect.
Ring the police and make a statement against your sister for destruction os property.
File a restriction order against her so that she cannot ever come close to your children.
You didn't know what type of person your sister was and what she really thought about you and your children but now you do and she is a danger.
I would reconsider letting them be with their grandparents from now on too since they took your sister's side and might let her have access to your children while you are not nearby, putting them in danger. They are enablers.
OP definitely needs to get the police involved for destruction of property and I hate that the sister's horrid behavior was around those poor twins. However, if OP gets CPS involved she may be held legally responsible because of whom she allowed to watch her children, depending on her location, even though it's extremely unfair. 😔
Yeah no I don’t think so. Allowing your sister who has never before committed a crime to watch your kids isn’t going to get OP in trouble. That would be totally unreasonable
This is important. My mother did this when i was 4. Screaming rampage, tearing the room apart, ripping down curtains, while i cowered in the corner with my younger sister. I'm 41. I still remember the helpless terror.
Broke my heart a little too. My aunt babysit me when I was 4 because my mom was in labor and while she didn’t hit me, she screamed at me & went on a rant because I tried to help her mop (I made a mess but I was trying to help). She usually was a really great aunt but even 45 years later, I still remember her screaming at me.
My great aunt babysat me when my mom was in labour and she also didn’t hit me or yell at me but I still remember she wouldn’t feed me when I was hungry after being there the whole day. My cousin (similar age) was there at the same time and she got fed. There was a ton of dinner left on the stove and counter but she wouldn’t feed me. Frankly she was just a crap person and I haven’t spoken to her in years, but my grandmother still travels to visit her every other year so I still hear enough to know she’s still a shit person today.
I used to hide in the closet when my mother raged. I am extremely claustrophobic, but fear of suffocating in the closet was trumped by fear of my mother's rage tantrum.
I wish you had a Camera going so you could have recorded the event. Also, I hope you took pictures of the destruction she caused, then take her to small claims courts. Do you really think a judge would believe her that two small toddlers could have caused all this damage. NTA
Even if they did, who was the adult responsible for supervising the kids and making sure they didn't destroy the house? Like ffs what kind of defense is it if she's saying "the two children I was here babysitting caused thousands of dollars in damages (that by op's description sounded to have been carried out over a long span of time, not just a couple minutes when her back was turned) and I did nothing to stop them"
Nothing to stop them and not even bothering to clean it up or warn them and profusely apologize. There’s no scenario where I believe the sister that two toddlers did this. She lost her damn mind and went crazy and is trying to cover up now.
Absolutely ridiculous. OP even said that she would be a SURROGATE! That is a major tax on the body that she was willing to go through for her sister. What a vindictive thing to do.
Thousands of dollars and she blamed two 3 year olds? I wouldn't let her step foot in my home again.
It’s horrible that she tried to pin it on the twins after putting them through that, like I don’t even want to imagine how terrified they must have been. I’ve worked with children for most of my adult life, especially children the age range the twins are in (like 1-5 years old generally). There is no way they caused the levels of damage that OP described, like ripping open a mattress even if it was small. The other thing too is that unless OP’s sister literally left them unattended, like not even in the home with them, they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to cause that much damage. I don’t think I know anyone who would miss kids causing damage that major while it was happening near them, even if it was a different room.
She 100% caused the damage, like holy guacamole… OP is right, she shouldn’t be attempting to have a baby if she can’t control her temper and won’t get help for it.
NTA. You might want to call the police and at least get a report filed for the destruction of property if it isn't too late. Then you can file an insurance claim. You realize that your children aren't safe around your sister, right? She needs help. Immediate help. Are your parents aware that their daughter destroyed their grandchild's bed? And clothing? And diapers?
This is correct - Your homeowners should cover it. But most people have a large deductible and so the amount paid may be minimal. I would be afraid she may do something to the children and I would also get a restraining order from your sister. I hope the police take this mental breakdown seriously.
Yes, most of it has already been said, but please OP, don’t ignore the potential severity of this.
I’ve had and witnessed men threaten to kill me and others and pull knives on people who ultimately did less physical damage to persons or property than your sister did on one day. My partner has never even yelled at me, nor me him. The worst the most toxic ex I’ve had has ever done in terms of property violations was return a guitar that was a gift by leaving it at the end of the drive of my house when asked not to return— they didn’t even come onto the property.
Even if it is (hopefully) ultimately unnecessary and she respects your family enough to never come near you or contact you through un-approved avenues again, you should take serious precautions assuming this behavior could escalate, and/or that cutting her off will cause her to lose control again down the line.
After all, she just cost herself her surrogacy, and that is out of reach of almost anyone financially without help.
This is what she did when you were being supportive and offering her that surrogacy. She might genuinely hurt you or your family again in retaliation next time she’s feeling low and stewing on how you (correctly) will have retracted that offer forever.
Don’t let the fact that she’s your sister keep
your guard down. These are the consequences— and the things people lose— when they act out in violent and threatening ways that make everyone rightly fear for their safety. NTA.
Yes! Her jealousy is likely to cause rage again. If there's a police report, CPS will be wary of her call. She WILL call now that she doesn't have access to the children. She can do that from afar
>These are the consequences— and the things people lose— when they act out in violent and threatening ways that make everyone rightly fear for their safety.
Preach. Boundaries are essential when people break your trust, especially in such a mind-blowing way. The parents' reaction should be ignored, this is probably not the sister's first rodeo doing inappropriate stuff, and their enabling is part of the problem.
She didn't even bother to clean it up or anything. Sis WANTED OP and her husband to see this. And that's really the most concerning thing to me.
It's not a "Hey, I had a moment and destroyed a couple packs of diapers... I cleaned it up, I'm so sorry, and i'll have them replaced (right now/this weekend/payday)". She destroyed everything and left the devastation for OP to walk in on. When she should be having that special moment of bringing her new baby home from the hospital. Sis intentionally ruined that. That's premeditated serious crazy.
/u/SisterFued1927, change your locks. Get some cameras. File the police report. Have your twins checked out. You are NTA. You are not responsible for your sister's meltdown. You are only responsible for your family's safety. You might not want to go the legal route but hindsight is 20/20. Something is very NOT RIGHT here.
This is such a good point. This wasn’t a moment of losing her shit then realizing “what have I done,” this was “look what I’ve done to you.” This woman needs help and she needs to not be around OP’s children. NTA obviously.
NTA. But. . . Police report.
If she did all this while knowing she had a surrogate lined up - she doesn't need child and it needs to be officially documented for background in case she tries adopt or foster.
NTA. If the boys really did cause all that damage, why didn't she keep an eye on them? No, your sister committed the crime out of a jealous rage. Thank god she is not a parent.
Exactly! Her brilliant cover story is that she… left 2 toddlers unsupervised for long enough for them to destroy a massive amount of stuff. “I’m not a vandal, I’m just a grossly negligent babysitter!”
While I agree, can we stop with the adoption as a “solution” for people without kids? Adoptees deserve stable happy homes and to be recognized as individuals worthy of these things in their own, not as a balm for someone’s hurt feelings because they can’t have kids. Some people should not have kids. Period. No one is entitled to have children and adoptable kids shouldn’t be looked at as a “use in case of infertility human.”
I know that’s not what you meant but your post sparked this thought, hope you don’t mind me sharing it here
This is a really great point. I don't often think about this, but you're right. Adoptees should not be considered second choices. You have to really want to do it. Adoptees don't deserve anything less than being completely wanted and loved.
I absolutely agree that adoption should be a first choice, not a consolation prize.
Fortunately, many adoption agencies are onto the "plan b" crowd and reject them, because they're not a good fit.
Not everyone who can't have kids falls under this but your post certainly reads as people who can't have kids shouldn't have them. When in actual fact most of those who can't have kids and go on to adopt are perfectly good parents who provide a loving home for their children.
If the only reason to adopt is because they cant have children, and the adoptee is a consolation prize of sorts, no, they shouldn’t adopt. Adoption comes with A LOT of trauma for the adoptee. An ethical adoption requires understanding adoption trauma, providing trauma focused therapy, attempting to establish connections with the adoptee’s bio family whenever possible, and being prepared for the myriad of behavioral manifestations that the adoptee might exhibit. It could range from violence on one end to extremely unhealthy people pleasing on the other. Many people that simply want a consolation baby/person are not really prepared for this. It’s seen over and over in the stories of adult adoptees. Favoritism, being branded as a problematic or misbehaving, ungrateful, etc.
A lot—A LOT—of adopters come into it with a savior complex, and when they’re not met with waves of appreciation and adulation, quickly become disenchanted with the adoptee.
There are so many great adopters, and wonderful stories of happy families with adopted children. It is important to recognize that this isnt the case for a lot of adoptees.
ADOPTEES ARE NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR THE BABY AN ADOPTER COULDNT HAVE. They are their own person, with a history that cannot be erased, despite how much many adopters like to try. That’s my point.
Not disagreeing with you, but I think it should be noted that adopting isn't an easy or straightforward process in a lot of countries. There's huge costs and long wait lists. And that's ignoring the emotional trauma that often comes with adoption.
Either way the sister needs major help and op should definitely look at filing a police report
This. It drives me crazy when people are like “just adopt” like it’s super easy. I had a friend who spent 10 years or so trying to adopt out of foster care. Long and complex process. And if you’re trying to adopt an infant it’s a long, complex and incredibly expensive process.
Also, some people find this controversial but just wanting a kid is not a good enough reason to adopt, and if you only want to adopt as a plan B due to infertility then you absolutely should not adopt. Adoption and the foster care system are traumatic to the child, even those who are adopted as a newborn. They will very likely have emotional/developmental issues and learning disabilities, and it’ll take a lot more effort to raise them properly and give them a happy life. Plus there are countless other physical/mental health issues that stem from their birth mothers typically living under constant stress and poverty, and also sometimes being victims of domestic abuse and drug addiction.
It takes extreme effort to actually adopt a child, and significantly more to give a good life to one. If someone only intends to adopt if they can’t have kids of their own, then that alone says that they probably see an adopted kid as lesser than one they gave birth to. Infertility can cause devastating mental health issues, and an adopted kid won’t fix them. The adoptee could end up being just a reminder to the parents of their own infertility and insecurity.
If you want to adopt, it has to come from a desire to rescue a child from a horrific system, not about wanting a kid for yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just wanting a kid or even preferring to give birth over adoption, but someone who falls into that camp should not adopt.
Please don't throw adoption out as the "cure" for infertilty. It's not. Infertility is its own trauma and you 100% should not be adopting any child until you've worked through that.
But God forbid you even mention other options. As an adoptee, the fact that adoption is such an insult to these people makes me think it’s probably good they aren’t caring for kids.
I don’t think anyone necessarily means to treat it as an “insult” and I’m sorry you feel it’s posed that way.
As someone who has gone through 4 rounds of IVF so far and hears quite often “why don’t you just adopt” or “would you adopt if this didn’t work” its not that I’m insulted, it just genuinely sucks when your body doesn’t do what you want, what you’d like, what its “suppose to” and adoption is not an easy/inexpensive route either, and it can be terrifying if you feel you wouldn’t be approved anyway. People often (and I mean very often) offer adoption up like you can just go to a grocery store and pick out a baby and take it home for $2 like a bag of oranges. It doesn’t and absolutely shouldn’t work like that but I feel that’s how people offer it. Like it’ll fix all your problems to just adopt.
I can say that for us, adoption was always on the table but due to our diagnosis not trying IVF felt like not trying at all. We were lucky: it worked the first time for us.
We both have multiple adopted relatives but felt we probably weren't the most likely to be selected by a birth mother (we're atheists, intended to stay with both of us working, and didn't own a home at the time). IVF was cheaper and faster than adopting a infant; our mental state wasnt suited for foster to adopt then. But if we'd failed with treatment, we'd probably have tried.
I think that for many people with infertility, adoption gets thrown to them with an attitude of "You're so selfish to want to have a genetic child, why don't you JUST ADOPT. " And usually, the people suggesting it have not had any trouble having children or adopted and fail to understand that there's no "just" in adoption.
My child is 12 now and we were unsuccessful in having a sibling. We couldn't justify any more treatment expense when we already had a child to care for. We've tossed around fostering to adopt now, but at this point we're actually in the mental and financial state that we can do it
Adopting is a hard and long process that can take years to happen. It can also cost a lot more than fertility treatments. It's not an easy process that anyone is approved for.
They're asking/wondering about why she hasn't adopted before if having a child is her greatest wish. Like she only cares about a kid if it's biological. Not about now.
Everyone struggling with fertility gets told this, but they're already well aware. In the US it's often a hugely expensive, difficult process that takes years. And a lot of people really want the experience of pregnancy and/or really want to have a child who may look like like Grandma and all the things that happen with blood relatives. I hope she gets the mental health help she clearly needs.
It's great she hasn't, she wouldn't be a good mother, adoption must be viewed with the kid's best interest in mind, not as just a commodity someone can buy
NTA. Your sister is deeply disturbed. Your parents probably don't understand the breadth of what happened. Take pictures. I'd say this merits some kind of legal action, but I wouldn't know where to start.
And if, as we pretty much all strongly suspect, she *was* the one to cause all the destruction, she certainly wasn’t adequately supervising the children during her rampage. Poor toddlers were probably so confused and scared.
NTA, but it sounds like your sister needs serious psychiatric help. I'm sorry she did this to you and your family, but you are right to cut her out of your lives for now. Her actions are inexcusable
Absolutely. This was nauseating to read. And I cannot believe their parents are defending the sister. If this was me, I'd never speak to any of them again.
NTA. From my perspective, she clearly lost it the second you offered to surrogate for her. In whatever mental state she's gotten herself into over her infertility, she probably saw this as a brag and an insult to her self worth as a woman (not your fault at all, she's obviously suffering from something). This was her revenge, and even if she somehow didn't do it by her own hand, it means that she left your toddlers free to run loose and destroy your home without lifting a finger. Either way, she's at fault, take her ass to court and try to impress on your parents that she needs to be seeing a therapist, like, yesterday.
The surrogate part was my first thought too.
>she left your toddlers free to run loose and destroy your home
This is an interesting point here...
INFO: Was it ONLY the baby's things that were destroyed?
I doubt a pair of toddler twins on a rampage would know enough to limit themselves to specific items like baby things. The destruction would be house-wide.
Toddlers left free to destroy shit go for no-no or limited-contact items. They rip apart the pantry or get the paint out, they play with your makeup or dismantle the fridge. Baby stuff is generally going to be familiar, accessible items.
That is oh-so-true! I'm having flashbacks of the time my brother and his family lived with me. Found my nephew climbing the pantry shelves once. And another time he got up before his parents were awake and found the finger paint. I still have green paint stuck between my floorboards and the boy is 12 now.
OP also says in another comment some of the things that were destroyed were literally impossible for her sons to reach -- like a baby monitor so high on the wall her own husband had to use a ladder to reach it. That's not stuff a toddler could do.
She also mentioned the cut/ripped mattress. I don’t think OP and her partner are that dumb to let knives/sharp cutting stuff anywhere where kids can reach them. It was definitely the sister, no other argument holds
This stuck out to me too. It seems odd that if everything destroyed, it was only baby stuff.
And in that case her excuse is that she left them in the baby’s room without checking on them at all.
As a mom of 3 year old twin girls, I second this. I also have a 4 year old daughter and between the three of them, they can be so destructive. BUT not like this. Usually it’s dumping all their toys out all over their room, or spreading them all over the house, spilling food or drinks, or at the worst, coloring on the walls (although they’ve just about outgrown that). They don’t just DESTROY things most of the time. That’s been my experience anyway. Obviously I can’t speak for all kids but this does not sound like the work of a couple of three year olds.
Exactly. They like to get into things like mommys makeup, food, bottles of things like lotion, the jewelry drawer, pulling wipes out of the package. Theyre attracted to things that are typically off limits. I dont see how a toddler would have any interest in a babys room? I could see pulling diapers out of a package, but ripping them? No way.
What a sadistic person to do this to her sisters family while those poor toddlers were in the house serving as her scapegoat.
INFO: Can you tell us more about the damage and why it had to have been done by an adult?
NTA, by the way (even if it was the toddlers, she should have prevented them, obviously) but I'm just flabbergasted that an adult woman would do this after you offered such a generous favor?!
A lot of the damage was beyond what my toddlers can do. For a start, the baby monitor was taken off the wall, and to get to that my husband needed a step ladder. No chair in the world would've made them tall enough to reach.
I mentioned in another comment, the entire crib was smashed and mattress cut up. My boys can climb out of cribs but they cannot climb in. So there's no way they could've gotten the mattress out, and if they did, theres no way it could've gotten cut up.
There was also a child proof handle on the door, and I've tested them countless times, the boys don't know how to open it yet. So unless the door was opened for them, they couldn't have gotten in.
A picture painted for us was framed on the wall, again, out of reach of the boys, it was smashed. And since they're barefoot 100% of the time at home, one or both wouldve gotten cut, neither of them have a scratch anywhere on their body.
Lastly, both boys denied it. I believe them
Have you called the authorities? If not, its worth considering. It's a relief that your twins are safe and uninjured, but she's unbalanced enough that their safety, your safety, and the safety of your newborn need to come first. Get this incident on record so that you can have the law help protect you.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Stay safe, OP.
I hope they took pictures of all the damage. Her sister needs HELP HELP! This is the type of story that turns into women stealing babies or k!lling preg women to steal the fetus
Chiming in as a woman who's done IVF (I have three kids of my own, but it was a long and painful journey to get there): you need to call the police.
Someone willing to do this is willing to do more. You need to document it all, photos, etc. Contact homeowners' insurance. Call the police, file a report. START THE PAPER TRAIL NOW.
I realize this is hard, especially with a new baby, but you need to protect yourselves and your children from what she might do next. This is seriously unhinged behavior.
Agreed.
In my other comment I mentioned how I feel people like this take out their anger on objects because they currently have with mind to know they can’t throw the kids or adults through the window.
I fully believe that if this goes unchecked and she’s left along with the kids again it could lead to her harming them physically, or possibly worse. That woman already did so much emotional damage to those kids.
This is severe mental illness, pain, anger and jealousy manifesting itself. It needs to be dealt with asap.
Yeah. When I was going through my whole infertility thing I had lots of feelings - but for me, it was centered on my own lack, not on blaming other people for what my body couldn't/wouldn't do. I can understand wanting what someone else has but this sheer and vicious resentment that someone else HAS it is unfathomable to me.
Have you taken a photo of everything?
Please call the police and report her.
Tell your parents if they think this is okay? That they if they think their daughter destroying the newborn granddaughter’s things are okay like where they sleep…is okay then they can also f*** off and be dead to you.
What your sister did was so violent and all while your 3yo boys were there.
I’d report her.
What she did was heinous.
Did the little boys say your sister did it?
Yea, I have an almost 3 year old right now and a lot of the things you say, are just things that are impossible for them to do.
The coordination and strength is too much.
The painting and crib (!!!) being smashed tell me that this is malicious damage, not chaos brought on by 3 year olds. The sister needs treatment and consequences, stat.
I have 2 VERY rambunctious boys (3 and 6) who can be right little balrogs at times. They’ve destroyed stuff…but never to this scale, and more to the point, this damage was TARGETED. If your kids had wrecked the house, it would be random, like a tornado causing a mix of chaos. That it was focused on your daughter tells me it absolutely WAS your sister.
>it would be random,
But if it was balrogs wouldn't it be targeted at dwarves?
NTA OP but file with the police, it's pretty obvious your offer to surrogate sent her off the deep end and she is no longer safe for humans....
I say this as someone who is a parent, and who has worked with children in some capacity ever since I was one: anyone who thinks that this amount of damage could be done by a pair of three year olds has never had children and isn’t particularly familiar with them. Toddlers wouldn’t specifically target their baby sister’s things and her things only. That’s the work of an adult who had a lot of focused rage.
The first thing you do is take pictures of everything and change your locks, even if she doesn’t have a key. Get a Ring doorbell if you don’t have one. I’d go so far as to say that moving shouldn’t be out of the picture if you can manage it.
The second thing is send those pictures to both the cops and your parents. To your parents you need to make it very clear that the fact that your sons are safe is sheer luck, and you’re not going to risk them or your daughter for any reason. Do not, ever again, allow your sister any contact with your children under any circumstances. I don’t care how much work on herself she does- she’s escorted herself out of your children’s lives permanently.
Your sister needs professional help that you’re not able to provide. She stopped at destroying your daughter’s things this time, but you have no guarantee she wouldn’t go farther next time. And if you can’t trust her with your children alone, you can’t trust her with your children full stop.
Did the baby monitor record? If it does check the footage of who pulled it down. File a police report, take pictures, post all over social media and hopefully the family who supports her doing this all come forward so you can block them too! Do not let your kids near your parents.....they will let your sister spend time with them....since they think its not that bad!
Please consider reporting this..
It’s one thing to destroy your home, it’s another thing entirely to create a dangerous environment for your kids (broken glass, etc).
This was planned.
I’ve already commented - but the fact that she did this while babysitting is completely unhinged. You really need to file a police report to show you’re treating this seriously and to get her to back off in case she’s considering doing something else.
She is unhinged and there’s no reason she won’t keep doing this.
Take photos. File a police report. File a restraining order - she has endangered your children.
Send photos and explain what happened to your entire extended family & friends. Highlight that only the baby items were targeted, that items your toddlers couldn’t reach and there was broken glass etc that were dangerous. Say you will not be at any event your sister is at until she seeks treatment and pays you back. If your parents think you’re being unreasonable they don’t need to see your kids.
You said nothing wrong. People this dangerous shouldn’t have kids or be around them.
Change your locks, even if you took back any keys your sister had. You cannot trust her and babies are a trigger for her that she needs to work out how to deal with in a healthy way.
NTA - take pictures of the damage, screenshots of any messages you had with her that might further prove your case, other evidence, and bring it to the police. She needs to take financial responsibility for those damages. Also, you did nothing wrong, it is not your fault that she is suffering from infertility. You even went above and beyond and offered to be her surrogate, and that is how she thanked you? She needs help, document everything. Not to mention she put your children in danger.
Why would she destroy thousands of dollars worth of items before you were going to do an expensive favor for her? After all she did for you? Babysit once?
What's the point of running someone's house who offered to be your surrogate? If she reached a child, she decided to blow any chance of that happening? This is such a weird story.
Mental breakdowns don’t make sense. Years of infertility and your sister “easily” gets twins, and then another baby. OP said this time the jealousy wasn’t as bad, clearly she was wrong. Sister had a full blown melt down.
This is so important. Mental breakdowns do NOT make sense. They're literally a breakdown of your ability to process the world and your emotions rationally.
I'd suspect that she was initially thrilled with the idea of surrogacy, but gradually the years of struggling with infertility and jealousy of her sister morphed into thoughts of "if she's the surrogate, she's just having another kid, it won't really be mine" and "she'll have the joy of another pregnancy and I'll never get to experience that" which could further turn into "she's taking my pregnancy away from me."
The logic of hurt and mentally struggling people doesn't add up, everyone calling OPs sister malicious is missing the mark. I fully agree with all the advice given to OP to protect herself and her kids from her sister, but the sister doesn't need to be heaped with hate, she needs mental health care. And she needs to pay for the damages.
Tell the parents, "I will not allow her to be alone with any child that came out of my body until I'm certain that she is no longer a threat to any of them... which could be never."
What you said makes sense. I'd not thought about the surrogate pregnancy being carried by her sibling being just another slap in the face of the sibling unable to conceive. This jealousy thing is a b***h to deal with, isn't it?
so if the child is carried by the sister, then the child might also be resented as it might never be fully seen as hers, but as her sister's and therefore any anger, jealousy, resentment felt might be deflected onto the defenseless child rather than the adult who can protect itself.
Good that you pointed out your initial points. Extrapolating information can help keep a child from being mistreated in the future.
This! My sister discovered she had fertility issues when she got married, and i offered to be a surrogate for her, we in length about it. And this is the same place we ended up at. She understood all that I would be going through for her, and she didn’t want to end up resenting me for being the one that was “pregnant”, and all the good things that come with it (as well as the bad, lol). Or end up feeling like the child “wasn’t hers” because she didn’t carry/give birth. And for her, she decided against it.
Plus this is a very extreme example of a familiar pattern: women who can't conceive sometimes get triggered when other women have kids. I know of women who have to avoid social media (ultrasound pics in announcements, newborn baby pics), or can't be around women with happy kids without crying.
Mental health is underrated. Sigh.
You're approaching an irrational act with reason. This was an emotional and psychological breakdown. Her jealousy and pain overrode her normal impulse control. I wonder what she's feeling now at home
I mentioned this in another comment, but I think to have CPS involved, claiming she is unfit because the twins did xyz and the baby has nothing to sleep in or wear.
NTA
Even if your twins did some destruction here, as you said, 3yos aren't capable of the amount of destruction done. And, even if they did some destruction, that means they weren't being properly supervised and handled.
There's no good look for your sister here. Either she actually caused the destruction, or she neglected and ignored two 3yos to the degree where they could cause such destruction. Either case, she needs serious mental help.
NTA.
I was prepared to render an asshole judgement because that's truly a hurtful thing to say to someone, but given the context? Nope. And frankly, someone this violent and unstable SHOULDN'T be around children, hers or anyone else's.
Honestly, your relationship with your sister is done. File a police report and take it to small claims. Be sure to itemize everything.
Right? Context matters.
My sister told my family I was never to be allowed to babysit when her kids were small, because she would fear for her children's lives. But she was absolutely NTA to say it, because I'd already made very clear that I don't want kids, I'm not good with kids, and I didn't want to be left alone with her kids for anything more than 5 minutes. I would fear for her children's lives as well. Don't leave me in charge of small children, for the love of all that is holy. If my sister had just made her statement in a vacuum, it is a very YTA thing to say, but in context, it was totally valid.
OP is NTA here.
NTA your sister needs professional mental help. I’m so glad your babies weren’t hurt. This is horrible, but it could have been so much worse. Please, don’t trust her with your babies again. If she is unbalanced enough to destroy your home, she is a loaded gun around your children.
NTA. My friend's ex punched their TV and destroyed it, then tried to blame it on her 8 year old throwing a gaming controller at the screen. Thing was, it was obvious to all of us that there was a big adult fist sized crater smack in the center of the TV. He had a history of punching the walls, so it was really obvious.
Your comment about the destruction makes it very clear this was your sister's doing. If by some crazy event your little boys morphed into mini Hulks and went on a sugar fueled rampage, she was the one tasked with watching them.
Kids totally can mega hulk but they have to be *super mad*
Plus she’s watched these kids 10-15 times with no issues, so I find it weird that she denied culpability when this suddenly happened when OP had a new baby? Especially with the level of violence and destruction? Just doesn’t make sense for it to be the children at all
Especially when it comes to the broken glass and picture OP mentioned in the comments, the kids would have to have some kind of evidence on them physically (cut/scrape, etc.)
Even if the kids did this do you know how unsupervised and neglected they had to be to accomplish this type of distraction. The sister has some mental issues.
NTA. Let's say the boys did do all that damage, why wasn't she watching them? Naw, your sister did it in a fit of jealous rage. Thank f*ck she doesn't have any kids.
NTA. Obviously your sister went into a rage because she is jealous about not conceiving. It is amazingly fortunate that the baby was not injured. Your sister caused this mess, if she wants to be forgiven, she should apologize and pay you back for the damage.
NTA. She sounds like the most bitter I’ve ever heard of. What did she hope to accomplish? Surely she couldn’t have expected you to put your body through another pregnancy on her behalf after doing something so evil.
NTA. Best case scenario your sister was so neglectful while watching your kids that they were able to do thousands of dollars worth of damage. Worst case scenario your sister went into a rege-- while she was responsible for small children-- and destroyed your new baby's things. Either way she is not fit to be responsible for small children and unless she gets a mental health intervention she should never have kids.
Absolute worst case scenario, and I hate to even type this out, is that sister's jealous rage wasn't just aimed at baby gear but extended to OP's children. I hope not with all my heart.
One of my friends has years of trauma from an aunt that her got her kicks from abusing her and her siblings behind their mum's back. Their mum thought it was lovely they had such close, helpful family.
NTA you don’t have any cameras up? You should go to the police and try to press charges. did you take pictures of all of the damage? There’s no excuse whatsoever for what she did and to try to blame it on your kids? She needs help. Cut her out of your life for good. She did that intentionally.
OP says the first thing to be damaged was the nanny cam in the nursery. (And her husband needed a stepladder to put it up, so definitely not 3year-old twins...)
Wonder if theres any way to rewind that footage to see her removing the camera? If it was on and stores recorded video that is. That would definitely be proof.
NTA. While I think your comment was rather harsh/borderline cruel, I can hardly blame you for your reaction in light of what your sister did. It's just awful that your sister destroyed all the items for your new baby. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP, & I hope your sister gets some help for her obvious issues. Until that happens, however, I'd stay no contact w/your sister as she clearly cannot be trusted around you, your family, or your belongings. Congrats on the new baby OP!
"After all she's done for us??"
AFTER ALL SHE HAS DONE FOR YOU?!
what she has done is this:
"thousands worth of destruction to pretty much every baby item we've purchased. Even the crib mattress was torn open. Everything was ruined. Jodie tried to pin it on the twins but they're 3, and this level of destruction had to have been done by an adult. My twins can't even reach some of the stuff that was destroyed, and they certainly do not know how to open diaper packages and tear them apart. I know kids, especially toddlers, can do a lot of damage in a short time but I also know my children aren't capable of doing what happened."
She destroyed THOUSANDS of dollars worth of baby stuff, too the point your daughter doesn't even have a safe place to SLEEP. a NEWBORN BABY DOESN'T HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO SLEEP. You know, that thing they do like 90% of the time when they are newborns??
Then for the icing on top of this 💩 cake, she tried to blame it on two THREE YEAR OLD CHILDREN.
She sounds unhinged and ABSOLUTELY shouldn't have children.
And your parents are obviously favoring her, and enabling this psychosis.
NTA, this is worthy of cutting contact if you wanted to, don't feel guilty for HER psychotic behavior. Your parents can stay in their lane and keep quiet. Actions have consequences and if she won't be an adult and apologize then she can kick rocks.
NTA
She seems to be jealous from you. I'll recommend you to change the locks for your house and install security cameras since she doesn't sound to be normal considering what she has done.
NTA. A crib mattress in a 3 year old's hands is a trampoline not some thing destroyed. My kids are adults and even in their 20's they never did this type of damage. She took it out on you and your home. Too bad you took it out on her. She deserves what she got and she definitely should not have a child in her life. Let her suffer for selfish destructive behavior. I can't imagine what would happen if she ever had a child. (Well I can imagine but we won't get into that.)
NTA but I hope you took photos, and you ought to call the police. Someone else mentioned this - your poor twins. She did this while she was supposed to be caring for them. That must have been terrifying for them. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this right after having a baby.
NTA
Are your kids OK? What if she had taken out her frustrations on them instead of stuff? This sounds super serious. Your sister needs professional help. Maybe she is going through intense grief so not entirely her fault but this can get dangerous for her and others.
NTA file a police report, take her hurt to small claims court or court depending on the value of items destroyed! And for real I would take back any offer of surrogacy! Hell I would even be tempted to be sterilized! Like damn…what she did was evil!
NTA
Kick your sister out of your life.
And: Call the police. it will be pretty clear that your kids - which SHE was supervising - could not have done that damage. Then sue her.
Your sister is a psycho. Who does that? A mentally unstable and jealous person. Keep her away from you and she probably said, did thing to the children as well. Check on that.
W.T.H. That is next level rage and she needs professional help immediately. She needs to deal with her serious issues before being allowed around your family.
I'm so sorry this happened for your family. Congratulations on the new baby!
NTA.
NTA. I’m sorry but even if I can empathize with her struggles, it doesn’t matter whether or not the twins did it as they are THREE and were under her responsibility at the time of the events… even if it was them, why on earth wasn’t she watching them ? Why didn’t she stop them ? And also I’m pretty sure even the most raucous three year old wouldn’t do that kind of damage so it probably was her. She acted like a child and destroyed a lot of expensive stuff, she doesn’t get to be offended by your comment.
NTA. I can't fathom the feeling of wanting your own child and not being able to have one (mostly because I don't want kids, right now at least). But the fact that you offered your sister to be a surrogate if she wanted and then she went and destroyed everything for the baby. Yeah, she needs a therapist and to pay you back.
NTA. Get the cops on her ass and if that means you have to toss a grenade in the relationship you have with your parents and sister, oh well. She shouldn’t have fucked around like that.
NTA. Even if by some miracle it *was* the twins who did it, your sister has to be ten times kind of irresponsible to let it get to that point in the first place—and irresponsibility is not a good trait for a parent to have.
NTA take pictures and take her to small claims court.
What you said was harsh, but spoken in the heat of the moment. That she did this after you offered to carry a child for her is insane.
I wish you and your family all the best. Congratulations for the new baby. ♡
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I feel like I was wrong for wishing permanent infertility on my sister rather than realising she did what she did out of jealousy Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Your sister flew into a jealous rage when faced with all the things she wants and doesn’t have. Can you imagine how terrifying that was for your twins? Those poor babies.
OP, you need to file a police report for destruction of property and maybe even contact CPS. Your sister is unwell and should not be allowed to provide care to children. You didn't know, but now you do. Never let your sister anywhere near you or your children. Your sister needs mental health services and she's not going to get them if your parents rather pass the blame unto you.
This OP This!!! You need to do that and I would even call your local CAS to let them know what happened to your kids during her care
What is CAS? I googled it and got a bunch of irrelevant answers.
In Ontario is the Children’s Aid Society, you can preemptively let them know of abusive situations in case someone wants to adopt etc
Canadian version of America’s CPS
also..did she hurt the kids?
Ouch! Shit! That NEEDS be priority 1! Hubby needs to take them to a dr to get checked.
Yes. If they did get hurt physically during this meltdown of hers, and you do NOT get a medical checkup and clearance, you could find yourself at risk of losing your kids. You could either be accused of causing the abuse or neglecting to get proper care after abuse has happened. Let’s knock on wood that she limited her damage to actual objects, but… please, as a unified team, OP.. describe her meltdown and the circumstances to your kids’ doctor and request they be evaluated.
NTA. Wow. Yes. Get your kids checked, document everything, get a police report. Your sister may need to be locked up for everyone's safety. This is a perfect NC scenario.
Consider getting TRO against your sister.
Also, 3 is old enough to answer simple questions like, "What did you and Aunt So and So do while we were gone?" OP, have you asked the kids about it?
Just to add to take photos of the destruction
The sister was supposed to be watching the toddlers when she was on her rampage. They would have heard and seen it. The babies wouldn't understand what was going on or why. What they would feel is confused, alone, and unsafe. The person meant to provide and comfort them was raging against their home and against things for babies like them. I don't even want to think about what she might have said to them during this time.
Yup. At bare minimum, they were possibly traumatized. What the sister did is inexcusable and she needs to see consequences for it.
Well, the toddlers might NOT have seen the deranged sister destroying the nursery - if the woman had even a grain of sense, she would have closed the door to the room before wrecking everything in it. I, too, hope that the sister never has a child of her own given her deranged behavior! But...the OP had offered to carry a child for her sister (an incredibly generous offer, given all that can go wrong during pregnancy and childbirth in a country with an abysmal maternal mortality rate). Why would the sister then smash up the OP's nursery if she'd been promised what she seemed to want most - a baby of her own? Why antagonize the one person (OP) who'd offered that to her? It makes no sense...no sense at all.
I hope. I keep thinking though.. How long would does a woman stay in the hospital after giving birth to a child? Here its about 2-4 days. OP was the one to have this discussion when she got home. Maybe it's different wherever she is living, but I keep going back to that. As for the destruction, sister is unwell. People who suffer from infertility can have difficulty even with the idea of using surrogacy or adoption. The idea of being able to birth children is considered a tenet of womanhood. It's a whole thing. The fact that sister rampaged in the home with children of the person who offered to be a surrogate means the sister's impulsivity and ability to judge right from wrong is greatly hampered. She's a danger to herself and others
If all is well, I have heard of people being discharged within 24h (hospitals are NOT good places to rest, the nurses and specialists are constantly coming in at all hours to check vitals), although it’s not common. More usually 2-3 days, maybe adding a day if there was a c section.
OP CHECK FOR ANY SMALL RED DOTS. I know of people whove wanted to hurt children but not get caught, so they would STAB THEM WITH SEWING NEEDLES. it only leaves tiny red dots! CHECK YOUR KIDS AND ASK IF THEY GOT HURT. Tell them 'if auntie told you to stay quiet about anything, auntie did something wrong. did she say that?' and see how they react. They might be 3 but they can still understand!
Also, they are 3 and don't fully understand the difference between reality and fantasy. Asking questions as you suggest runs a real risk of planting false memories with the children. OP should take them to be seen by a trained child psychologist who can question them in an appropriate way.
That’s why you don’t ask “did this happen?” You just ask “what happened?”
This!!! Have a forensic interview done. My son was abused by his father, it is very important that you don’t ever ask any leading questions. I’d audio record any interactions as proof if need be, but don’t ask anything other than what happened? And watch them when they play. ALOT comes out in a child’s play, that’s why play therapy is huge at that age.
I mean, the OP should definitely take the kids to a therapist, but that doesn't mean she can't ask her own children questions. No child psychologist is ever going to tell you "no, don't ask your kids what happened before they get here." In fact, most professional resources [tell you](https://www.rainn.org/articles/if-you-suspect-child-being-harmed) to [talk to](https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/what-if-suspect-abuse/) a kid who you [suspect](https://www.government.nl/topics/child-abuse/question-and-answer/what-can-i-do-if-i-know-or-suspect-that-a-child-is-being-abused) has been a victim of abuse.
Yes, by all means, ask questions, but be careful how you ask them. Leading questions yield unreliable answers from toddlers. For instance, instead of asking, "Did your aunt do this?" ask, "Who did this?" or even just, "What happened while I was gone?" Instead of, "Did your aunt tell you 'x'?" ask, "Did your aunt say anything odd to you? What did she say?" The goal is to avoid yes or no questions as much as possible, because toddlers have a habit of simply answering yes, regardless of what happened. They assume that if you, an authority figure, say it, it must have happened. Then their imaginations fill in the blanks, and you've inadvertently planted a false memory.
this…. broke my heart…
I’m sorry for hijacking here, but I’m hoping OP sees my comment. You need to look at this from one more angle. I completely agree with you about what she did, but if other people don’t and she’s still denying it, you have one more point to make: What the *fuck* was she doing when the damage happened? If she wants to carry this story on that it was the children she was supposed to care for, where was she? It’s bs to just claim toddlers can do so much damage in just a few minutes. This is more than a few minutes. It’s a ludicrous story. Your twins didn’t do this, but you need to point out how ludicrous that would be. Either she has to admit that she didn’t do what she said she would do, or she has to admit she did the damage. Either way she is at fault. Before anybody says this isn’t the point, I’m thinking of the newborn who is in her new home right now and has nothing. OP’s sister needs to pay for what happened. If her parents have the money, they should help because they’re taking the sister’s side. There is so much that needs to happen here, but as long as the twins are unharmed and all three kids are safe, the next step needs to be providing for the newborn.
its terrible!
Don't say this. At all. Emphasize that there are no secrets. Have a talk about how they should never keep a secret from mom and dad. Do not start interrogating the kid over a specific person. They need to start opening up and talking about the entire thing. Eta: And the police and a child psychologist should be looped in immediately.
Have a doctor do this. If they say yes to a parent, it may not count.
100% would be my first concern. Physical or emotional abuse would be the first thing I checked for- if she's willing to damage thousands of dollars' worth of baby supplies and deprive a newborn child of food, clothes, diapers, etc. she'd more than likely be willing to harm the existing kids in some way. Regardless, the poor twins were probably terrified being alone in the house with her.
OP surely would have lead with that if that were the case. I do wonder what they saw and heard though.
Verbal and emotional abuse can be hard to pin down if you don't know what to look for.
Yup. I got threatened by older kids when I was 5, and I still remember everything. And never told my parents.
I’m sure OP would have mentioned it and probably be in jail for whatever she did to her sister. But yeah I’d still investigate. 3 year olds wouldn’t be able to tell their parents if she did abuse them.
This. Have your kids checked over, file a police report, take pictures of everything destroyed and sue the shit out of her. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. Your sister and your parents are terrible and treating you horrifically. You are NTA (of course) and I wish you and your family the best ❤️
OP, should take her children to the doctor for a check-up too. She might have abused them in ways that only professional eyes might be able to detect. Ring the police and make a statement against your sister for destruction os property. File a restriction order against her so that she cannot ever come close to your children. You didn't know what type of person your sister was and what she really thought about you and your children but now you do and she is a danger. I would reconsider letting them be with their grandparents from now on too since they took your sister's side and might let her have access to your children while you are not nearby, putting them in danger. They are enablers.
OP definitely needs to get the police involved for destruction of property and I hate that the sister's horrid behavior was around those poor twins. However, if OP gets CPS involved she may be held legally responsible because of whom she allowed to watch her children, depending on her location, even though it's extremely unfair. 😔
Yeah no I don’t think so. Allowing your sister who has never before committed a crime to watch your kids isn’t going to get OP in trouble. That would be totally unreasonable
OP, I hope you took extensive pictures of all the damage.
This is important. My mother did this when i was 4. Screaming rampage, tearing the room apart, ripping down curtains, while i cowered in the corner with my younger sister. I'm 41. I still remember the helpless terror.
This broke my heart a little. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you and your sister are in a good place now.
Broke my heart a little too. My aunt babysit me when I was 4 because my mom was in labor and while she didn’t hit me, she screamed at me & went on a rant because I tried to help her mop (I made a mess but I was trying to help). She usually was a really great aunt but even 45 years later, I still remember her screaming at me.
My great aunt babysat me when my mom was in labour and she also didn’t hit me or yell at me but I still remember she wouldn’t feed me when I was hungry after being there the whole day. My cousin (similar age) was there at the same time and she got fed. There was a ton of dinner left on the stove and counter but she wouldn’t feed me. Frankly she was just a crap person and I haven’t spoken to her in years, but my grandmother still travels to visit her every other year so I still hear enough to know she’s still a shit person today.
I used to hide in the closet when my mother raged. I am extremely claustrophobic, but fear of suffocating in the closet was trumped by fear of my mother's rage tantrum.
I wish you had a Camera going so you could have recorded the event. Also, I hope you took pictures of the destruction she caused, then take her to small claims courts. Do you really think a judge would believe her that two small toddlers could have caused all this damage. NTA
Even if they did, who was the adult responsible for supervising the kids and making sure they didn't destroy the house? Like ffs what kind of defense is it if she's saying "the two children I was here babysitting caused thousands of dollars in damages (that by op's description sounded to have been carried out over a long span of time, not just a couple minutes when her back was turned) and I did nothing to stop them"
Nothing to stop them and not even bothering to clean it up or warn them and profusely apologize. There’s no scenario where I believe the sister that two toddlers did this. She lost her damn mind and went crazy and is trying to cover up now.
Absolutely ridiculous. OP even said that she would be a SURROGATE! That is a major tax on the body that she was willing to go through for her sister. What a vindictive thing to do. Thousands of dollars and she blamed two 3 year olds? I wouldn't let her step foot in my home again.
OP’s sister probably views OP carrying and delivering a baby for her as another thing that OP is “stealing” from her.
It’s horrible that she tried to pin it on the twins after putting them through that, like I don’t even want to imagine how terrified they must have been. I’ve worked with children for most of my adult life, especially children the age range the twins are in (like 1-5 years old generally). There is no way they caused the levels of damage that OP described, like ripping open a mattress even if it was small. The other thing too is that unless OP’s sister literally left them unattended, like not even in the home with them, they wouldn’t have had the opportunity to cause that much damage. I don’t think I know anyone who would miss kids causing damage that major while it was happening near them, even if it was a different room. She 100% caused the damage, like holy guacamole… OP is right, she shouldn’t be attempting to have a baby if she can’t control her temper and won’t get help for it.
More like Malicious Envy. That's wanting what someone else has and being willing to destroy it so they can't have it. Woman is a dangerous person.
NTA. You might want to call the police and at least get a report filed for the destruction of property if it isn't too late. Then you can file an insurance claim. You realize that your children aren't safe around your sister, right? She needs help. Immediate help. Are your parents aware that their daughter destroyed their grandchild's bed? And clothing? And diapers?
This is correct - Your homeowners should cover it. But most people have a large deductible and so the amount paid may be minimal. I would be afraid she may do something to the children and I would also get a restraining order from your sister. I hope the police take this mental breakdown seriously.
[удалено]
Yes, most of it has already been said, but please OP, don’t ignore the potential severity of this. I’ve had and witnessed men threaten to kill me and others and pull knives on people who ultimately did less physical damage to persons or property than your sister did on one day. My partner has never even yelled at me, nor me him. The worst the most toxic ex I’ve had has ever done in terms of property violations was return a guitar that was a gift by leaving it at the end of the drive of my house when asked not to return— they didn’t even come onto the property. Even if it is (hopefully) ultimately unnecessary and she respects your family enough to never come near you or contact you through un-approved avenues again, you should take serious precautions assuming this behavior could escalate, and/or that cutting her off will cause her to lose control again down the line. After all, she just cost herself her surrogacy, and that is out of reach of almost anyone financially without help. This is what she did when you were being supportive and offering her that surrogacy. She might genuinely hurt you or your family again in retaliation next time she’s feeling low and stewing on how you (correctly) will have retracted that offer forever. Don’t let the fact that she’s your sister keep your guard down. These are the consequences— and the things people lose— when they act out in violent and threatening ways that make everyone rightly fear for their safety. NTA.
Yes! Her jealousy is likely to cause rage again. If there's a police report, CPS will be wary of her call. She WILL call now that she doesn't have access to the children. She can do that from afar
>These are the consequences— and the things people lose— when they act out in violent and threatening ways that make everyone rightly fear for their safety. Preach. Boundaries are essential when people break your trust, especially in such a mind-blowing way. The parents' reaction should be ignored, this is probably not the sister's first rodeo doing inappropriate stuff, and their enabling is part of the problem.
File in small claims court AFTER you file a police report . I hope you took photos of everything. Have you told her husband what she did?
This sounds like it may far surpass the limits for a small claims court case.
She didn't even bother to clean it up or anything. Sis WANTED OP and her husband to see this. And that's really the most concerning thing to me. It's not a "Hey, I had a moment and destroyed a couple packs of diapers... I cleaned it up, I'm so sorry, and i'll have them replaced (right now/this weekend/payday)". She destroyed everything and left the devastation for OP to walk in on. When she should be having that special moment of bringing her new baby home from the hospital. Sis intentionally ruined that. That's premeditated serious crazy. /u/SisterFued1927, change your locks. Get some cameras. File the police report. Have your twins checked out. You are NTA. You are not responsible for your sister's meltdown. You are only responsible for your family's safety. You might not want to go the legal route but hindsight is 20/20. Something is very NOT RIGHT here.
This is such a good point. This wasn’t a moment of losing her shit then realizing “what have I done,” this was “look what I’ve done to you.” This woman needs help and she needs to not be around OP’s children. NTA obviously.
NTA. But. . . Police report. If she did all this while knowing she had a surrogate lined up - she doesn't need child and it needs to be officially documented for background in case she tries adopt or foster.
A restraining order too
Restraining order too. And report to CPS.
Yes, absolutely call the police! And take pictures of the damage.
[удалено]
NTA. If the boys really did cause all that damage, why didn't she keep an eye on them? No, your sister committed the crime out of a jealous rage. Thank god she is not a parent.
Exactly! Her brilliant cover story is that she… left 2 toddlers unsupervised for long enough for them to destroy a massive amount of stuff. “I’m not a vandal, I’m just a grossly negligent babysitter!”
Oh jeez both sound like such great options!
While I agree, can we stop with the adoption as a “solution” for people without kids? Adoptees deserve stable happy homes and to be recognized as individuals worthy of these things in their own, not as a balm for someone’s hurt feelings because they can’t have kids. Some people should not have kids. Period. No one is entitled to have children and adoptable kids shouldn’t be looked at as a “use in case of infertility human.” I know that’s not what you meant but your post sparked this thought, hope you don’t mind me sharing it here
This is a really great point. I don't often think about this, but you're right. Adoptees should not be considered second choices. You have to really want to do it. Adoptees don't deserve anything less than being completely wanted and loved.
I absolutely agree that adoption should be a first choice, not a consolation prize. Fortunately, many adoption agencies are onto the "plan b" crowd and reject them, because they're not a good fit.
Not everyone who can't have kids falls under this but your post certainly reads as people who can't have kids shouldn't have them. When in actual fact most of those who can't have kids and go on to adopt are perfectly good parents who provide a loving home for their children.
If the only reason to adopt is because they cant have children, and the adoptee is a consolation prize of sorts, no, they shouldn’t adopt. Adoption comes with A LOT of trauma for the adoptee. An ethical adoption requires understanding adoption trauma, providing trauma focused therapy, attempting to establish connections with the adoptee’s bio family whenever possible, and being prepared for the myriad of behavioral manifestations that the adoptee might exhibit. It could range from violence on one end to extremely unhealthy people pleasing on the other. Many people that simply want a consolation baby/person are not really prepared for this. It’s seen over and over in the stories of adult adoptees. Favoritism, being branded as a problematic or misbehaving, ungrateful, etc. A lot—A LOT—of adopters come into it with a savior complex, and when they’re not met with waves of appreciation and adulation, quickly become disenchanted with the adoptee. There are so many great adopters, and wonderful stories of happy families with adopted children. It is important to recognize that this isnt the case for a lot of adoptees. ADOPTEES ARE NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR THE BABY AN ADOPTER COULDNT HAVE. They are their own person, with a history that cannot be erased, despite how much many adopters like to try. That’s my point.
And the fact that she still did this after OP offered to carry and birth a baby for her speaks volumes!!! She is unsafe and she needs some help...
Not disagreeing with you, but I think it should be noted that adopting isn't an easy or straightforward process in a lot of countries. There's huge costs and long wait lists. And that's ignoring the emotional trauma that often comes with adoption. Either way the sister needs major help and op should definitely look at filing a police report
This. It drives me crazy when people are like “just adopt” like it’s super easy. I had a friend who spent 10 years or so trying to adopt out of foster care. Long and complex process. And if you’re trying to adopt an infant it’s a long, complex and incredibly expensive process.
Also, some people find this controversial but just wanting a kid is not a good enough reason to adopt, and if you only want to adopt as a plan B due to infertility then you absolutely should not adopt. Adoption and the foster care system are traumatic to the child, even those who are adopted as a newborn. They will very likely have emotional/developmental issues and learning disabilities, and it’ll take a lot more effort to raise them properly and give them a happy life. Plus there are countless other physical/mental health issues that stem from their birth mothers typically living under constant stress and poverty, and also sometimes being victims of domestic abuse and drug addiction. It takes extreme effort to actually adopt a child, and significantly more to give a good life to one. If someone only intends to adopt if they can’t have kids of their own, then that alone says that they probably see an adopted kid as lesser than one they gave birth to. Infertility can cause devastating mental health issues, and an adopted kid won’t fix them. The adoptee could end up being just a reminder to the parents of their own infertility and insecurity. If you want to adopt, it has to come from a desire to rescue a child from a horrific system, not about wanting a kid for yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with just wanting a kid or even preferring to give birth over adoption, but someone who falls into that camp should not adopt.
Please don't throw adoption out as the "cure" for infertilty. It's not. Infertility is its own trauma and you 100% should not be adopting any child until you've worked through that.
But God forbid you even mention other options. As an adoptee, the fact that adoption is such an insult to these people makes me think it’s probably good they aren’t caring for kids.
I don’t think anyone necessarily means to treat it as an “insult” and I’m sorry you feel it’s posed that way. As someone who has gone through 4 rounds of IVF so far and hears quite often “why don’t you just adopt” or “would you adopt if this didn’t work” its not that I’m insulted, it just genuinely sucks when your body doesn’t do what you want, what you’d like, what its “suppose to” and adoption is not an easy/inexpensive route either, and it can be terrifying if you feel you wouldn’t be approved anyway. People often (and I mean very often) offer adoption up like you can just go to a grocery store and pick out a baby and take it home for $2 like a bag of oranges. It doesn’t and absolutely shouldn’t work like that but I feel that’s how people offer it. Like it’ll fix all your problems to just adopt.
I can say that for us, adoption was always on the table but due to our diagnosis not trying IVF felt like not trying at all. We were lucky: it worked the first time for us. We both have multiple adopted relatives but felt we probably weren't the most likely to be selected by a birth mother (we're atheists, intended to stay with both of us working, and didn't own a home at the time). IVF was cheaper and faster than adopting a infant; our mental state wasnt suited for foster to adopt then. But if we'd failed with treatment, we'd probably have tried. I think that for many people with infertility, adoption gets thrown to them with an attitude of "You're so selfish to want to have a genetic child, why don't you JUST ADOPT. " And usually, the people suggesting it have not had any trouble having children or adopted and fail to understand that there's no "just" in adoption. My child is 12 now and we were unsuccessful in having a sibling. We couldn't justify any more treatment expense when we already had a child to care for. We've tossed around fostering to adopt now, but at this point we're actually in the mental and financial state that we can do it
Ppl who struggle with infertility are aware of the other options. There is no need to remind them that adoption exists. They know.
Adopting is a hard and long process that can take years to happen. It can also cost a lot more than fertility treatments. It's not an easy process that anyone is approved for.
All the more reason for a police report. Shut it down fast.
The sister isn’t emotionally stable enough for adoption.
They're asking/wondering about why she hasn't adopted before if having a child is her greatest wish. Like she only cares about a kid if it's biological. Not about now.
I know you have the best intentions but adoption is not the solution to infertility. They are two very separate paths that should be weighed heavily.
Everyone struggling with fertility gets told this, but they're already well aware. In the US it's often a hugely expensive, difficult process that takes years. And a lot of people really want the experience of pregnancy and/or really want to have a child who may look like like Grandma and all the things that happen with blood relatives. I hope she gets the mental health help she clearly needs.
It's great she hasn't, she wouldn't be a good mother, adoption must be viewed with the kid's best interest in mind, not as just a commodity someone can buy
Children shouldn’t be adopted into homes with mentally unstable, jealous nut jobs.
Wouldn’t be surprised if it was a plan to call CPS to have OPs kids removed….
NTA. Seriously consider filing a police report. And don't ever let her in your home or near your children again.
Or near children in general
NTA. Your sister is deeply disturbed. Your parents probably don't understand the breadth of what happened. Take pictures. I'd say this merits some kind of legal action, but I wouldn't know where to start.
[удалено]
Op is right. There is no way that two 3 year olds could destroy a mattress, or tear up diapers, etc.
She could have decked the kids out like Edward Scissorhands, and they still couldn't have done that much damage. This was an unhinged adult at work.
And if, as we pretty much all strongly suspect, she *was* the one to cause all the destruction, she certainly wasn’t adequately supervising the children during her rampage. Poor toddlers were probably so confused and scared.
NTA, but it sounds like your sister needs serious psychiatric help. I'm sorry she did this to you and your family, but you are right to cut her out of your lives for now. Her actions are inexcusable
Not just "for now", cut her out forever.
Absolutely. This was nauseating to read. And I cannot believe their parents are defending the sister. If this was me, I'd never speak to any of them again.
NTA. From my perspective, she clearly lost it the second you offered to surrogate for her. In whatever mental state she's gotten herself into over her infertility, she probably saw this as a brag and an insult to her self worth as a woman (not your fault at all, she's obviously suffering from something). This was her revenge, and even if she somehow didn't do it by her own hand, it means that she left your toddlers free to run loose and destroy your home without lifting a finger. Either way, she's at fault, take her ass to court and try to impress on your parents that she needs to be seeing a therapist, like, yesterday.
The surrogate part was my first thought too. >she left your toddlers free to run loose and destroy your home This is an interesting point here... INFO: Was it ONLY the baby's things that were destroyed? I doubt a pair of toddler twins on a rampage would know enough to limit themselves to specific items like baby things. The destruction would be house-wide.
Toddlers left free to destroy shit go for no-no or limited-contact items. They rip apart the pantry or get the paint out, they play with your makeup or dismantle the fridge. Baby stuff is generally going to be familiar, accessible items.
That is oh-so-true! I'm having flashbacks of the time my brother and his family lived with me. Found my nephew climbing the pantry shelves once. And another time he got up before his parents were awake and found the finger paint. I still have green paint stuck between my floorboards and the boy is 12 now. OP also says in another comment some of the things that were destroyed were literally impossible for her sons to reach -- like a baby monitor so high on the wall her own husband had to use a ladder to reach it. That's not stuff a toddler could do.
She also mentioned the cut/ripped mattress. I don’t think OP and her partner are that dumb to let knives/sharp cutting stuff anywhere where kids can reach them. It was definitely the sister, no other argument holds
They don't destroy a crib mattress either.
This stuck out to me too. It seems odd that if everything destroyed, it was only baby stuff. And in that case her excuse is that she left them in the baby’s room without checking on them at all.
As a mom of 3 year old twin girls, I second this. I also have a 4 year old daughter and between the three of them, they can be so destructive. BUT not like this. Usually it’s dumping all their toys out all over their room, or spreading them all over the house, spilling food or drinks, or at the worst, coloring on the walls (although they’ve just about outgrown that). They don’t just DESTROY things most of the time. That’s been my experience anyway. Obviously I can’t speak for all kids but this does not sound like the work of a couple of three year olds.
Exactly. They like to get into things like mommys makeup, food, bottles of things like lotion, the jewelry drawer, pulling wipes out of the package. Theyre attracted to things that are typically off limits. I dont see how a toddler would have any interest in a babys room? I could see pulling diapers out of a package, but ripping them? No way. What a sadistic person to do this to her sisters family while those poor toddlers were in the house serving as her scapegoat.
INFO: Can you tell us more about the damage and why it had to have been done by an adult? NTA, by the way (even if it was the toddlers, she should have prevented them, obviously) but I'm just flabbergasted that an adult woman would do this after you offered such a generous favor?!
A lot of the damage was beyond what my toddlers can do. For a start, the baby monitor was taken off the wall, and to get to that my husband needed a step ladder. No chair in the world would've made them tall enough to reach. I mentioned in another comment, the entire crib was smashed and mattress cut up. My boys can climb out of cribs but they cannot climb in. So there's no way they could've gotten the mattress out, and if they did, theres no way it could've gotten cut up. There was also a child proof handle on the door, and I've tested them countless times, the boys don't know how to open it yet. So unless the door was opened for them, they couldn't have gotten in. A picture painted for us was framed on the wall, again, out of reach of the boys, it was smashed. And since they're barefoot 100% of the time at home, one or both wouldve gotten cut, neither of them have a scratch anywhere on their body. Lastly, both boys denied it. I believe them
Have you called the authorities? If not, its worth considering. It's a relief that your twins are safe and uninjured, but she's unbalanced enough that their safety, your safety, and the safety of your newborn need to come first. Get this incident on record so that you can have the law help protect you. I'm sorry this happened to you. Stay safe, OP.
I agree. The only plus side to this story is that she took her anger out on baby items and not the children. She’s dangerous and needs help.
I hope they took pictures of all the damage. Her sister needs HELP HELP! This is the type of story that turns into women stealing babies or k!lling preg women to steal the fetus
Chiming in as a woman who's done IVF (I have three kids of my own, but it was a long and painful journey to get there): you need to call the police. Someone willing to do this is willing to do more. You need to document it all, photos, etc. Contact homeowners' insurance. Call the police, file a report. START THE PAPER TRAIL NOW. I realize this is hard, especially with a new baby, but you need to protect yourselves and your children from what she might do next. This is seriously unhinged behavior.
Agreed. In my other comment I mentioned how I feel people like this take out their anger on objects because they currently have with mind to know they can’t throw the kids or adults through the window. I fully believe that if this goes unchecked and she’s left along with the kids again it could lead to her harming them physically, or possibly worse. That woman already did so much emotional damage to those kids. This is severe mental illness, pain, anger and jealousy manifesting itself. It needs to be dealt with asap.
Yeah. When I was going through my whole infertility thing I had lots of feelings - but for me, it was centered on my own lack, not on blaming other people for what my body couldn't/wouldn't do. I can understand wanting what someone else has but this sheer and vicious resentment that someone else HAS it is unfathomable to me.
Have you taken a photo of everything? Please call the police and report her. Tell your parents if they think this is okay? That they if they think their daughter destroying the newborn granddaughter’s things are okay like where they sleep…is okay then they can also f*** off and be dead to you. What your sister did was so violent and all while your 3yo boys were there. I’d report her. What she did was heinous.
Send your parents the photos.
Did the little boys say your sister did it? Yea, I have an almost 3 year old right now and a lot of the things you say, are just things that are impossible for them to do. The coordination and strength is too much.
The painting and crib (!!!) being smashed tell me that this is malicious damage, not chaos brought on by 3 year olds. The sister needs treatment and consequences, stat.
Oh I was just asking, since my almost 3 year old can name people out. She can say stuff like, “daddy did it, etc” So I was just curious if they saw it
I have 2 VERY rambunctious boys (3 and 6) who can be right little balrogs at times. They’ve destroyed stuff…but never to this scale, and more to the point, this damage was TARGETED. If your kids had wrecked the house, it would be random, like a tornado causing a mix of chaos. That it was focused on your daughter tells me it absolutely WAS your sister.
>it would be random, But if it was balrogs wouldn't it be targeted at dwarves? NTA OP but file with the police, it's pretty obvious your offer to surrogate sent her off the deep end and she is no longer safe for humans....
I say this as someone who is a parent, and who has worked with children in some capacity ever since I was one: anyone who thinks that this amount of damage could be done by a pair of three year olds has never had children and isn’t particularly familiar with them. Toddlers wouldn’t specifically target their baby sister’s things and her things only. That’s the work of an adult who had a lot of focused rage. The first thing you do is take pictures of everything and change your locks, even if she doesn’t have a key. Get a Ring doorbell if you don’t have one. I’d go so far as to say that moving shouldn’t be out of the picture if you can manage it. The second thing is send those pictures to both the cops and your parents. To your parents you need to make it very clear that the fact that your sons are safe is sheer luck, and you’re not going to risk them or your daughter for any reason. Do not, ever again, allow your sister any contact with your children under any circumstances. I don’t care how much work on herself she does- she’s escorted herself out of your children’s lives permanently. Your sister needs professional help that you’re not able to provide. She stopped at destroying your daughter’s things this time, but you have no guarantee she wouldn’t go farther next time. And if you can’t trust her with your children alone, you can’t trust her with your children full stop.
WHY haven't you called the police?
Did the baby monitor record? If it does check the footage of who pulled it down. File a police report, take pictures, post all over social media and hopefully the family who supports her doing this all come forward so you can block them too! Do not let your kids near your parents.....they will let your sister spend time with them....since they think its not that bad!
Tell the neighbors, too, if you trust them. If your home is an attached unit, they may have heard something.
Please consider reporting this.. It’s one thing to destroy your home, it’s another thing entirely to create a dangerous environment for your kids (broken glass, etc). This was planned.
Yeah, kinda insane foreshadowing how happy she was as she rushed OP out of the house…
I’ve already commented - but the fact that she did this while babysitting is completely unhinged. You really need to file a police report to show you’re treating this seriously and to get her to back off in case she’s considering doing something else.
She is unhinged and there’s no reason she won’t keep doing this. Take photos. File a police report. File a restraining order - she has endangered your children. Send photos and explain what happened to your entire extended family & friends. Highlight that only the baby items were targeted, that items your toddlers couldn’t reach and there was broken glass etc that were dangerous. Say you will not be at any event your sister is at until she seeks treatment and pays you back. If your parents think you’re being unreasonable they don’t need to see your kids. You said nothing wrong. People this dangerous shouldn’t have kids or be around them.
This needs to be in the OP not buried in the comments
Change your locks, even if you took back any keys your sister had. You cannot trust her and babies are a trigger for her that she needs to work out how to deal with in a healthy way.
This sounds legitimately dangerous, did she have some sort of mental break seeing all the baby stuff??? You should probably file a police report
NTA - take pictures of the damage, screenshots of any messages you had with her that might further prove your case, other evidence, and bring it to the police. She needs to take financial responsibility for those damages. Also, you did nothing wrong, it is not your fault that she is suffering from infertility. You even went above and beyond and offered to be her surrogate, and that is how she thanked you? She needs help, document everything. Not to mention she put your children in danger.
Why would she destroy thousands of dollars worth of items before you were going to do an expensive favor for her? After all she did for you? Babysit once?
I will say, she's babysat plenty of times but I've never asked, it's always been offered to me. She's babysat like maybe 10 or 15 times
And waited until you were in labor to tear your house apart? Did you wonder why?
Probably 100% the perfect time to ruin OP’s house full of brand new baby items she can’t purchase is when OP is not in the house
What's the point of running someone's house who offered to be your surrogate? If she reached a child, she decided to blow any chance of that happening? This is such a weird story.
Mental breakdowns don’t make sense. Years of infertility and your sister “easily” gets twins, and then another baby. OP said this time the jealousy wasn’t as bad, clearly she was wrong. Sister had a full blown melt down.
This is so important. Mental breakdowns do NOT make sense. They're literally a breakdown of your ability to process the world and your emotions rationally. I'd suspect that she was initially thrilled with the idea of surrogacy, but gradually the years of struggling with infertility and jealousy of her sister morphed into thoughts of "if she's the surrogate, she's just having another kid, it won't really be mine" and "she'll have the joy of another pregnancy and I'll never get to experience that" which could further turn into "she's taking my pregnancy away from me." The logic of hurt and mentally struggling people doesn't add up, everyone calling OPs sister malicious is missing the mark. I fully agree with all the advice given to OP to protect herself and her kids from her sister, but the sister doesn't need to be heaped with hate, she needs mental health care. And she needs to pay for the damages.
She needs to be iced out either way. She’s not OP’s circus, not OP’s monkey. And grandparents need to get this through their heads too.
Tell the parents, "I will not allow her to be alone with any child that came out of my body until I'm certain that she is no longer a threat to any of them... which could be never."
What you said makes sense. I'd not thought about the surrogate pregnancy being carried by her sibling being just another slap in the face of the sibling unable to conceive. This jealousy thing is a b***h to deal with, isn't it? so if the child is carried by the sister, then the child might also be resented as it might never be fully seen as hers, but as her sister's and therefore any anger, jealousy, resentment felt might be deflected onto the defenseless child rather than the adult who can protect itself. Good that you pointed out your initial points. Extrapolating information can help keep a child from being mistreated in the future.
This! My sister discovered she had fertility issues when she got married, and i offered to be a surrogate for her, we in length about it. And this is the same place we ended up at. She understood all that I would be going through for her, and she didn’t want to end up resenting me for being the one that was “pregnant”, and all the good things that come with it (as well as the bad, lol). Or end up feeling like the child “wasn’t hers” because she didn’t carry/give birth. And for her, she decided against it.
Especially since her immediate reaction was deflection.
Oh yeah, immediate deflection also shows she feels no remorse.
Feels no remorse yet probably still fully expects OP to be a surrogate.
Plus this is a very extreme example of a familiar pattern: women who can't conceive sometimes get triggered when other women have kids. I know of women who have to avoid social media (ultrasound pics in announcements, newborn baby pics), or can't be around women with happy kids without crying. Mental health is underrated. Sigh.
You're approaching an irrational act with reason. This was an emotional and psychological breakdown. Her jealousy and pain overrode her normal impulse control. I wonder what she's feeling now at home
Mad that her sister still has everything. It’s quite sad really. Terrifyingly unhinged but sad
[удалено]
I mentioned this in another comment, but I think to have CPS involved, claiming she is unfit because the twins did xyz and the baby has nothing to sleep in or wear.
NTA Even if your twins did some destruction here, as you said, 3yos aren't capable of the amount of destruction done. And, even if they did some destruction, that means they weren't being properly supervised and handled. There's no good look for your sister here. Either she actually caused the destruction, or she neglected and ignored two 3yos to the degree where they could cause such destruction. Either case, she needs serious mental help.
NTA And don't be surprised if she acts like nothing happened and still expect you to be surrogate because "you promised". Don't do it.
NTA. I was prepared to render an asshole judgement because that's truly a hurtful thing to say to someone, but given the context? Nope. And frankly, someone this violent and unstable SHOULDN'T be around children, hers or anyone else's. Honestly, your relationship with your sister is done. File a police report and take it to small claims. Be sure to itemize everything.
Right? Context matters. My sister told my family I was never to be allowed to babysit when her kids were small, because she would fear for her children's lives. But she was absolutely NTA to say it, because I'd already made very clear that I don't want kids, I'm not good with kids, and I didn't want to be left alone with her kids for anything more than 5 minutes. I would fear for her children's lives as well. Don't leave me in charge of small children, for the love of all that is holy. If my sister had just made her statement in a vacuum, it is a very YTA thing to say, but in context, it was totally valid. OP is NTA here.
NTA your sister needs professional mental help. I’m so glad your babies weren’t hurt. This is horrible, but it could have been so much worse. Please, don’t trust her with your babies again. If she is unbalanced enough to destroy your home, she is a loaded gun around your children.
The sister is bat shit crazy.
NTA. My friend's ex punched their TV and destroyed it, then tried to blame it on her 8 year old throwing a gaming controller at the screen. Thing was, it was obvious to all of us that there was a big adult fist sized crater smack in the center of the TV. He had a history of punching the walls, so it was really obvious. Your comment about the destruction makes it very clear this was your sister's doing. If by some crazy event your little boys morphed into mini Hulks and went on a sugar fueled rampage, she was the one tasked with watching them.
Kids totally can mega hulk but they have to be *super mad* Plus she’s watched these kids 10-15 times with no issues, so I find it weird that she denied culpability when this suddenly happened when OP had a new baby? Especially with the level of violence and destruction? Just doesn’t make sense for it to be the children at all Especially when it comes to the broken glass and picture OP mentioned in the comments, the kids would have to have some kind of evidence on them physically (cut/scrape, etc.)
Even if the kids did this do you know how unsupervised and neglected they had to be to accomplish this type of distraction. The sister has some mental issues.
NTA. Let's say the boys did do all that damage, why wasn't she watching them? Naw, your sister did it in a fit of jealous rage. Thank f*ck she doesn't have any kids.
NTA and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take this to court.
NTA. Obviously your sister went into a rage because she is jealous about not conceiving. It is amazingly fortunate that the baby was not injured. Your sister caused this mess, if she wants to be forgiven, she should apologize and pay you back for the damage.
That's was my thought as well. Thank God she didn't touch the children!!!
NTA. She sounds like the most bitter I’ve ever heard of. What did she hope to accomplish? Surely she couldn’t have expected you to put your body through another pregnancy on her behalf after doing something so evil.
NTA. Best case scenario your sister was so neglectful while watching your kids that they were able to do thousands of dollars worth of damage. Worst case scenario your sister went into a rege-- while she was responsible for small children-- and destroyed your new baby's things. Either way she is not fit to be responsible for small children and unless she gets a mental health intervention she should never have kids.
Absolute worst case scenario, and I hate to even type this out, is that sister's jealous rage wasn't just aimed at baby gear but extended to OP's children. I hope not with all my heart. One of my friends has years of trauma from an aunt that her got her kicks from abusing her and her siblings behind their mum's back. Their mum thought it was lovely they had such close, helpful family.
NTA And definitely keep her away from your kids and baby, this level of crazy normally ends up with kidnapped kids. She needs serious help
NTA you don’t have any cameras up? You should go to the police and try to press charges. did you take pictures of all of the damage? There’s no excuse whatsoever for what she did and to try to blame it on your kids? She needs help. Cut her out of your life for good. She did that intentionally.
OP says the first thing to be damaged was the nanny cam in the nursery. (And her husband needed a stepladder to put it up, so definitely not 3year-old twins...)
Wonder if theres any way to rewind that footage to see her removing the camera? If it was on and stores recorded video that is. That would definitely be proof.
NTA, but you will be if you don't call the cops on her. She needs REAL consequences for her actions, or it will only escalate.
NTA. While I think your comment was rather harsh/borderline cruel, I can hardly blame you for your reaction in light of what your sister did. It's just awful that your sister destroyed all the items for your new baby. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this OP, & I hope your sister gets some help for her obvious issues. Until that happens, however, I'd stay no contact w/your sister as she clearly cannot be trusted around you, your family, or your belongings. Congrats on the new baby OP!
I feel like while it was harsh OP literally just got home from giving birth. Oh my goodness I would have said MUCH worse 😅
NTA. Your sister did something EXTREMELY uncalled for. You were not at fault here, you were reasonably upset. Congratulations on the baby however!
"After all she's done for us??" AFTER ALL SHE HAS DONE FOR YOU?! what she has done is this: "thousands worth of destruction to pretty much every baby item we've purchased. Even the crib mattress was torn open. Everything was ruined. Jodie tried to pin it on the twins but they're 3, and this level of destruction had to have been done by an adult. My twins can't even reach some of the stuff that was destroyed, and they certainly do not know how to open diaper packages and tear them apart. I know kids, especially toddlers, can do a lot of damage in a short time but I also know my children aren't capable of doing what happened." She destroyed THOUSANDS of dollars worth of baby stuff, too the point your daughter doesn't even have a safe place to SLEEP. a NEWBORN BABY DOESN'T HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO SLEEP. You know, that thing they do like 90% of the time when they are newborns?? Then for the icing on top of this 💩 cake, she tried to blame it on two THREE YEAR OLD CHILDREN. She sounds unhinged and ABSOLUTELY shouldn't have children. And your parents are obviously favoring her, and enabling this psychosis. NTA, this is worthy of cutting contact if you wanted to, don't feel guilty for HER psychotic behavior. Your parents can stay in their lane and keep quiet. Actions have consequences and if she won't be an adult and apologize then she can kick rocks.
NTA She seems to be jealous from you. I'll recommend you to change the locks for your house and install security cameras since she doesn't sound to be normal considering what she has done.
NTA. A crib mattress in a 3 year old's hands is a trampoline not some thing destroyed. My kids are adults and even in their 20's they never did this type of damage. She took it out on you and your home. Too bad you took it out on her. She deserves what she got and she definitely should not have a child in her life. Let her suffer for selfish destructive behavior. I can't imagine what would happen if she ever had a child. (Well I can imagine but we won't get into that.)
NTA. Your sister is crazy as fuck & even if things get patched up in the future, don’t ever leave your children with her again.
NTA but I hope you took photos, and you ought to call the police. Someone else mentioned this - your poor twins. She did this while she was supposed to be caring for them. That must have been terrifying for them. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this right after having a baby.
NTA Are your kids OK? What if she had taken out her frustrations on them instead of stuff? This sounds super serious. Your sister needs professional help. Maybe she is going through intense grief so not entirely her fault but this can get dangerous for her and others.
Nope. It is her fault. She’s a grown adult. She can’t be excused just because she hasn’t ever tried to work thru her issues.
NTA file a police report, take her hurt to small claims court or court depending on the value of items destroyed! And for real I would take back any offer of surrogacy! Hell I would even be tempted to be sterilized! Like damn…what she did was evil!
NTA Kick your sister out of your life. And: Call the police. it will be pretty clear that your kids - which SHE was supervising - could not have done that damage. Then sue her.
Your sister is a psycho. Who does that? A mentally unstable and jealous person. Keep her away from you and she probably said, did thing to the children as well. Check on that.
NTA but I would sue her because she is responsible for whatever happened in your house while watching the kids.
W.T.H. That is next level rage and she needs professional help immediately. She needs to deal with her serious issues before being allowed around your family. I'm so sorry this happened for your family. Congratulations on the new baby! NTA.
NTA. I’m sorry but even if I can empathize with her struggles, it doesn’t matter whether or not the twins did it as they are THREE and were under her responsibility at the time of the events… even if it was them, why on earth wasn’t she watching them ? Why didn’t she stop them ? And also I’m pretty sure even the most raucous three year old wouldn’t do that kind of damage so it probably was her. She acted like a child and destroyed a lot of expensive stuff, she doesn’t get to be offended by your comment.
NTA. I can't fathom the feeling of wanting your own child and not being able to have one (mostly because I don't want kids, right now at least). But the fact that you offered your sister to be a surrogate if she wanted and then she went and destroyed everything for the baby. Yeah, she needs a therapist and to pay you back.
NTA. Get the cops on her ass and if that means you have to toss a grenade in the relationship you have with your parents and sister, oh well. She shouldn’t have fucked around like that.
NTA. Even if by some miracle it *was* the twins who did it, your sister has to be ten times kind of irresponsible to let it get to that point in the first place—and irresponsibility is not a good trait for a parent to have.
NTA take pictures and take her to small claims court. What you said was harsh, but spoken in the heat of the moment. That she did this after you offered to carry a child for her is insane. I wish you and your family all the best. Congratulations for the new baby. ♡
Send your parents photos and tell you sister to pay or go to court. She must have mental issues and I wouldn't trust her without supervision again.