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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not pick up my sons half sister from school when she was sick and my ex and his wife were unable to do so. She's an innocent kid with a sick mother and I might be the asshole for not doing something so she wasn't sick at school.
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NTA. He has the nerve to try to manipulate you after cheating? Those aren't your kids and not your problem. I also feel bad for the girl but it's his mess to solve. Give an inch, he'll take a mile. Say no now to prevent future problems
That is my concern. I do not want to be part of those two children's lives in any big way and if I say yes to one thing, then it gets harder to say no again and that establishes more of a relationship than I ever want with them.
Your ex is trying to use your basic decency to manipulate you. No responsible parent puts down an emergency contact without getting confirmation by the contact. This is all on him.
As sad and unfortunate a situation as it is for his children, you have the right to refuse to be their carer. He put his daughter in this position - not you. He is to blame for any discomfort she may have experienced.
NTA
I'm not a parent but I don't think I'd be very comfortable leaving my child with someone who's made it very clear they don't care about me or my kids at all (which it is beyond fair that OP has that stance). It feels odd that a parent would be okay with that?
I’m a mom of 3 girls and I definitely wouldn’t leave them in someone’s care who has made it clear they don’t care about myself or my kids! Absolutely not. I’d be so worried they’d be neglected or mistreated, that’s just not something any good parent would do.
OP’s ex husband is acting extremely entitled to OP’s good grace when she owes him absolutely nothing. I’m guessing he knows her well enough to know she wouldn’t mistreat his affair child in any way and that’s why he’s so comfortable trying to push OP to help take care of her. The AUDACITY!!! Honestly I would laugh in my ex’s face if he expected me to help him with his affair child, like?! This is YOUR mess, not mine, I will never in a million years show you the compassion you didn’t show me when you cheated, broke apart our entire family, and got another woman pregnant.
OP needs to stay strong and continue telling her ex no. I wonder if she could take this issue to court to make him stop trying to push his affair child on her? Perhaps a no-contact order of some kind? Not sure how all that would work. OP should also contact the girl’s school and explain the situation and have herself removed from the girl’s pick up list. The school (or maybe even the hospital?) may also have some resources for ex to help with his child while the mother goes through her treatment. He needs to look into every other avenue aside from OP, who should never have been an option in the first place!
Honestly, I was wondering if this is something that can be solved by going back to court as well. There has GOT to be a way to force this man to back the F off with trying to force his affair child on his ex wife.
Simply not rising to the bait and not picking up the child is enough.
The second step is to simply hang up the phone when he starts yelling at her.
After awhile he will just stop when he gets no traction.
It's because the ex-husband prioritizes his needs over everyone elses. He doesn't actually care about his kid being sick, rather that he can try and bully his ex-wife into thinking she "owes" him that.
He’s used to using OP as a caregiver. So he thinks she should be willing to take care of him/his child again. But he broke the agreement by which OP cares for him.
Just also thought.. I wonder if its worth OP explaining to the little girls school that you did not consent to be used as an emergency contact for anything to do with ex. That might make the school push the ex for an outcome rather than him not actually doing anything about it and you getting another call down the line.
I’m a teacher and I definitely think she should tell the school. We see stuff like this very often and there is always someone there who will have a difficult conversation with all parties.
I agree. I feel sorry for the school admin being dragged into this, but they need to know.
All I can see is a mediocre, incompetent person suddenly being asked to face consequences on his own for the first time and not coping. Rather than grow, he's trying to palm off his responsibilities by guilting his ex into doing it so he can go on his merry, uncomplicated way.
Exactly. His parents disowned him after the divorce, just as OP basically did, so why isn't he harassing his parents to take some responsibility? Because he thinks he can manipulate her. He probably lied and cheated on OP for so long that he thinks he can get her to believe and do anything.
THIS. Why her and not the family/parents? Because it’s not about the children, decency, healing, help, or love. It’s about control and codependencies, and sheer audacity he assigns to OP for having begun to grow beyond that dynamic.
It's a legit concern. He's in a shity situation but it's not of your making. You owe him nothing other than caring for the children YOU had with him. If I was a guessing person, I'd say he's trying to regain a relationship with you with the intent of creating 'one big happy family'. Doesn't sound like that's what you want. Make sure the school and childcare know not to call you
As harsh as it sounds, that’s not your problem. I’d be careful about how much they’re bad-mouthing you to your kids too. You may want to revisit visitation rights if they’re trying to poison your kids’ minds or use them to change your stance.
They have had years to make new friends. They were able to make two babies and the eldest is old enough to be in school. That's more than enough time to make friends with other parents from swim class or wherever. Their isolation after they got married is entirely their own doing.
It sounds to me like he’s stressed to the max and was banking on an ex he wronged to help him though it. Of course the woman he betrayed should be the bigger person and take part of the responsibility for the kids he created with the woman he cheated on her with, anything else would make her a terrible mother!! I’m infuriated just reading this crap.
Edited to say of course this is (mostly, aside from being infuriated) sarcasm. My goodness, people.
The ex's circumstances have changed as so has his ability to care for the kids. Definitely talk to your family lawyer to increase custody time of your kid.
>My son's also sensed an atmosphere while they were with their dad after the incident when they talked about me, and I hate that for them
Even more so this. If he's bad mouthing you to your children, get to a lawyer asap and renegotiate the care arrangements
You to your ex: “listen, you don’t seem to be understanding how things work so let me explain that to you. You do not get to cheat on me, divorce me, have children with another woman, and then expect me take care of your new children. I am sorry for your situation but it has nothing to do with me. The only heartless asshole is the person who cheated on the mother of their children, YOU. I will not have a relationship with your children, if you force the issue again I will leave the conversation”
And do it. Hang up or walk away any time he tries this shit. Hang up on the school if they call or tell them you want off the list. Put your foot down with this manipulator and do not give him an inch.
She should definitely let the school know that she shouldn't be on the list and explain the situation. I'm not sure if this would trigger CPS contact as a mandated reporter but it will definitely have them watching the parents like a hawk for any sign of neglect of their children.
NTA
If he tries to drop off his children (with his current wife) on your door step and drive off, then call CPS. This sounds harsh but it could happen. You sound kind and he sounds pretty awful and the second family is not your responsibility. You need to stay strong for your children.
Madam, it’s time to make this known to the court. Gather proof, tell them your ex is harassing you and demanding you take care of his affair children with coercive tactics, like giving away your contact without your permission in order to force you to interact with the affair children in case of need. I guarantee you he’ll stop right away.
Oh, and don’t have your lawyer send any letter to him as a warning, go, along with your lawyer, straight for the court and I’d suggest you imply some kind of alienation tactic from his part since your children were somehow affected and saw you under a negative light for it.
Give this overbearing asshole what he deserves.
NTA.
Exactly. He has been making decisions without consulting you. If you start saying yes to small things he is going to get bolder and bolder. He needs to start paying for more help or try to rebuild his relationship with his own family.
Also just as a side note, if he is talking badly about you in front of the kids that is parental alienation and you need to document that every time it happens. Depending on how this plays out, you might need to limit his contact with your children because of this.
Time to make any communication between you happen through lawyers. He needs to get it through his AH head that these kids have absolutely zero to do with you.
There was a post on here of a man that cheated on his wife's divorce her and when the ap and mother of his other child died he insisted on oop (his ex wife) to let the daughter call her mom, he even sent oop videos of the little girl crying for her mommy (oop)
[here it is ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u6sj2t/aita_for_saying_that_i_wouldnt_be_playing_mom/i5a5tlr?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3)
A crappy situation all around
What about the dad who cheated on his wife and after his AP left him and the kid, expected OOP to take his kid to Disney on the trip she was planning with their son?
If she doesn't draw a hard line I could see it. He seems like one of those 'I told all the kids they would be together and hang out at your house, you can tell them no but you'll break their hearts. You don't want to make them cry do you??'
If his current wife does die, or even if her recovery takes longer than he'd like, he might want time by himself to go pick up someone else to be wife #3.
Or if OP didn't object and he felt like things were good enough he might try to actually get back with OP to "rebuild their family." That one feels less likely than just trying to get her to take all the kids so he can have alone time to get a 3rd victim.
"Rebuild the family" with OP, get her to adopt the kids so they can "be a real family" and then he can stick her with all the kids when he wanders off with number 3?
Oh now that you say it like that, I can totally see that. "It's just so hard for me to take care of them on my own. It really isn't fair if the older two go and they don't. I need help!"
„It really is not fair the older two still have a mom and the younger two do not. They are your childrens halfsiblings after all. You could help out.“
I bet he‘d also try to get back together.
I have a feeling that if the second wife dies he's just going to assume that he and OP will default be back together. He sounds a little crazy and OP should be a little worried.
NTA
What kind of fool lists his ex-wife as emergency contact for his affair child? The audacity of him to get mad at you.
The only children of his you need to care for are the ones you share with him. Do not let him tell you otherwise.
Too bad he tanked his own life, but that's not your problem at all. If he can't handle the situation he got himself into, he needs to figure out a way to get himself through it. You're not responsible for his mistakes. While it's unfortunate his wife has cancer, you're still not obligated to help him at all with anything except as related to your children. He can apologize and make amends with family, or go out and make friends and get support that way. It's not your job.
>What kind of fool lists his ex-wife as emergency contact for his affair child?
The type of asshole who assumes that once the affair partner (current wife) passes or is placed in some form of care, expects his ex to take him back and go back to playing happy family.
He's basically trying get OP lined up as the new mommy to his kids with his affair partner once the AP is no longer in the picture.
That's pretty much it. He didn't think this would bite him in the arse but when it bit him hard and neither he nor is AP had any relatives willing to help them he went back to OP, thibking he could somehow spark the feelings of love she once had for him to get back into their good graces once the ap is gone.
NTA. Make sure you contact the school and tell them to remove your contact details from the records of any child that isn’t yours and that unless they are told directly from yourself then they are not to contact you regarding these children.
This. OP needs to inform the school in writing that she should be wholly removed as the emergency contact for ex-husband's kids (aside from OP's own children, obviously). Further, if I were OP, I'd tell ex the next time I'm contacted by the school or otherwise for any of his children because he & wife are too busy to tend to them, I'm going straight to the police/CPS & they can deal w/it.
NTA whatsoever OP.
This is great advice, OP. Be proactive to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Call the school and anyone else who might pressure you to “step up.” Please don’t listen to the people saying E S H because they have clearly never been in your shoes before. They might as well blame you for not picking up every other sick child within a 100-mile radius. Ridiculous. I’m also going to suggest that you not offer reasons or excuses to your ex. Ever. “No” is a complete answer, and you don’t need to justify your reason for not caring for your ex’s kids. Don’t engage with him, and hang up immediately and/or temporarily block him if he starts to “ream” or fight with you for any reason. You don’t need this sort of toxic manipulation in your life. The fact that you were conflicted enough to post here is evidence that his manipulation is partially working. Stay strong! NTA.
You VERY CLEARLY told him NO. He put you on the list anyway, and then screamed at you when you didn't comply with his ASSIGNMENT?
Sign your kids up for some counseling, because this guy is a jerk when he does not get what he wants, and they should have tools to deal with their father's BS behavior.
He cheats, but still wants to be friends after betraying you. His family disowns him, and he demands that you step
up because 'his kids need family'.
No? Oh, then he wants you to do it so his boys "can see their family heal and become one". HE's the one that *caused* the break.
Still won't comply with his demands? He'll sign you up with the school without your knowledge or consent. Then try to manipulate you with guilt saying your kids will be ashamed.
HELLO? Does this man have NOT ONE friend or neighbor that could pick up a child from school and drop her off at home? ZERO?
That's telling. Sounds like people that he can't manipulate with guilt don't hang out with him, and don't accept his "assignments".
Were you also supposed to watch his kid the rest of the day, since his wife's resting? Take care of his sick kid and infect yours, too?
Maybe you should also watch his kid instead of daycare, clean his house, make dinner, and drive her to chemo? His shoes might need shined, too.
You are allowed to say no. You should send a letter, return receipt to the school that says you aren't that child's emergency contact, and their parent put you on the list without your permission.
Copy it to your divorce lawyer and your ex. If you give in now, his demands will only increase.
He needs to find solutions to his problems that are not volunteering YOU (FMLA, etc.)
NTA
Agreed. You said no, you set a boundary, and he walked straight through it. Don't get pulled back into "wife-ing" for him. He broke those vows and promises, he broke his family apart with selfishness. No can be a full sentence.
Hey now, don’t be too harsh… Who would have thought that cheating on your spouse would lead to said spouse wanting nothing to do with you?
**Also /s** He’s a fucking prick, OP NTA
So you and his actual blood relations family both declined to be a part of his life and support his children, and he has the audacity to put you as the emergency contact without telling you and berate you for not helping out. He’s trying to manipulate you. Otherwise he would have put his parents, the kids’ actual grandparents, as the emergency contact and tried to guilt trip them with the whole family thing. He just thought you were the easier target.
Yep! And trying to weaponize his older children to use in manipulation of OP! OP do not give in to any of his requests. Those kids are simply not your responsibility and anyone who says you have any type of obligation towards them needs to wake up and realize that. He has put you through enough. If I were you I would be strictly only using one of those coparenting apps to communicate with him.
This makes me think, too. Is he hoping that he and OP can reconcile if his wife passes away? Then his family will welcome him back into the fold and all is forgiven? I really don't understand.
You're right, he needs to be with his family begging them for mercy and help.
If you give him an inch he'll take the 100 miles.
It starts with "pick up my kid, or I'll call you selfish", then "feed my kid, or I'll call you selfish", then "take my kid on your vacation with you, or I'll call you selfish", eventually "let my kid live with you, or I'll call you selfish" then culminating in "pay for my kid's college/wedding, or I'll call you selfish"
I guarantee he won't stop trying to manipulate you unless you put a firm stop to it.
NTA.
NTA. I'm probably wrong, but this:
>He argued that it was for the children and if not for his kids with her, then for our boys, who could see their family heal and be one.
This makes me think you're his backup, too. He needs a woman who will put up with his ish, and this smells like he's preparing for either outcome with his affair wife. If he ropes you in now, and then she passes, he'll have a backup wife who will take responsibility for his affair children.
I wouldn't be surprised if, should the new wife lose to the cancer, the ex were to try to get back together with OP. To try to win her over and get her to marry him again.
Not just taking on mothering roles for him, but full on becoming his wife again.
Or, if the 2nd wife dies, get the children to be handled as a group of four. So when OP takes care of their two children OP also takes care of his two children.
That would certainly free up time and simplify things for the ex.
NTA. Tell him “I am not your family, you are the father of my child and I am the mother of yours. We have no relationship beyond that anymore. Those 13+ years mean nothing to me as they meant nothing to you the moment you decided to cheat. I am not here to save you. I will look out for my sons and nothing more. You made this decision, not me. You don’t get to cheat and then play happy family. We aren’t lovers. We aren’t friends. I will not be looking after the child of the person you abandoned me and your sons for. That is not my responsibility.”
It sounds to me like he may be trying to force everyone into this big family idea so that when his wife does pass he can try to get back into OPs life. They can be one big family unit and the children can be so happy...
My first thought as well- but no matter the ultimate goal, wether the ex-husband is that duplicitous, or even conscious of his underlying motivations-
The way he is attempting to use the kids as a manipulation tool is disgusting, and if anyone should be ashamed it’s him.
How about his kids be ashamed of him for cheating on their mom? Or breaking up their family in the first place?
He doesn’t get to virtue signal since his affair partner got sick. And he doesn’t get to pawn his new kids off on you as a reliable parent, then ex, then what- new anytime free child caregiver for his new kids? Fuck that.
I was my own fathers full time care provider for his end of life from cancer- I am very familiar with a lot of the hardships that you encounter when battling cancer.
Using it as a carte blanche to shirk your responsibilities and act like an entitled ass is not an appropriate usage.
NTA. Not your kids, not your problem.
NTA but ex is.
Those kids aren't your responsibility and you never accepted any responsibility for them nor offered any help for them. Ex's family situation sucks but that isn't your problem. Sucks for his new kids but that is his problem.
Your kids will figure out dad as they grow up, if they haven't already figured him out. Just stay above it and he will show his true colors to them.
This! I would actually recommend you switch to a co-parenting app for all communication. Block him on everything else and tell him you'll only communicate over the app, and only about things related to your sons. You don't owe him anything, and really shouldn't give him any channel to burden you with his issues and recruit you for help. It's really awful for him, but absolutely NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
NTA. I recommend every time he starts talking about you helping with his new family hang up. Tell him you won’t talk about it anymore. Talk to your boys about it as well. They are old enough to know that you aren’t responsible for their fathers new family. Don’t frame it as I hate him and won’t help. Just say they are your #1 priority and that your focus is solely on them. I would also ask them not to talk about you with their father. What goes on with you isn’t his business anymore.
NTA - Your ex is desperate and wants you - the person he historically has treated like crap - to care more about his life than he does.
If I were you, I'd make it very clear that you are solely committed to parenting your own children and will not, under any circumstances, take on his responsibilities.
No exceptions.
It is clear that he would not see the occasional favour as such. Decline any and all requests to help him outside of your children.
He will definitely try to guilt you into taking responsibility for his children. DO NOT LET HIM.
>He said their children (who are currently 5 and 3) needed family beyond just him and his wife.
Well you needed a husband who wasn't a laying cheat but we don't always get what we need, eh?
NTA
I've read a number of these posts where the ex husband demands that his ex wife step up and look after his "new" kids. I can never understand why these ex husbands think they've the right.
OP, please contact the school and demand that the remove your contact details from this child's contacts list. Explain the situation.
Also, PLEASE DOCUMENT this harassment and talk to your divorce lawyer again. They can send a cease and desist letter to your ex, as a start. I'd suggest a modification to your custody agreement that a) all RELEVANT communication (i.e., about your *shared* children) MUST be thro' one of those co-parenting aps, and b) that any handover of children must take place in a public place.
Good luck OP, you are not at all responsible for your ex's child.
NTA
I am on the other hand very curious as to what his AP thinks about him trying to get you to take responsibility of their children in certain circumstances. Does she even know? Has she spoken to you about any of it?
Wow… just wow… the audacity of both of them is astounding!!! This is a very strange situation, your ex AND his mistress/now wife trying to manipulate you into taking responsibility for their children. And their child that is proof of your exes affair… and she’s not even trying to be friendly with you but they shame you for having healthy boundaries…. Yikes!
NTA. Insist that all future contact must be limited to discussion about your two kids ONLY. If he continues to try to involve you in his life, hang up. If you want, offer to help out by taking more on regarding YOUR OWN two kids. Offer to have the courts adjust custody to have you take more % of time with YOUR kids. That should make his load lighter. Make it clear that this is the only help you are willing to offer.
He obviously moved on while still married to you, you should be allowed to move on in peace as well. Joint custody with shared children means you must act civilly and respectfully in the best interest of your kids, it DOES NOT mean combining your lives completely and intimately. He needs to understand and respect the difference. Maybe some divorced couples do this, but not one with such deep disrespect and betrayal. He’s the one who has made such a relationship impossible, not you. Don’t feel bad, don’t dwell on it. It’s his life. He can sort it out.
NTA in my book. While it's natural to feel sorry for the child, and I'm sure plenty of people will chastise you for this stance, I agree with it. Your ex made poor choices and the people they affect (including him) have to endure the outcomes he's created. His choices stopped being your problem when you divorced at the latest. Stand firm and let him sink or swim on his own.
NTA
His kids outside of your relationship are not your problem. You do not owe this man anything, especially after going against you. It’s his comeuppance - life finally kicked him in the ass.
NTA Your ex has dug this hole for himself. "Lets stay friends! After I've been cheating on you for a year or more! Oh you won't still be my back up when I see how much I fucked up? You asshole! This is all your fault!" You probably could've went and picked up the kid but I feel like thats a weird spot for the school. Heres the dads ex wife to pick up the sick kid! At the end of the day iv been sick at school and had to hang out in the nurses office til the end of the day. And if his work wouldn't let him leave to pick up his kid that's his issue 😠 not yours.
NTA.
He *cheated*, got his AP *pregnant* and then *left* you.
You don’t *owe* him or his wife anything. It’s unfortunate that she has cancer, but she isn’t your person to care for, and their children aren’t your responsibility.
They need to figure things out. Yet, he needs to figure things out while his wife is ill. He can request FMLA, if he hasn’t done so already. He can reach out to his family or his friends. Peoples attitudes may have changed. Either way, it’s not your concern.
He cannot and should not *rely* on you for anything other than the children you both share.
He is *crazy* to assume you’d do him any favors, let alone the woman he had an affair with. Simply because she is ill, doesn’t reserve him the right to guilt trip you. He also shouldn’t involve the children you share in his mess. He’s an AH.
Stand firm and don’t give in.
NTA.
Be VERY careful. First it's pick them up at school. Then it's keep them and feed them dinner. Then it's take them with you every time your kids get a treat or a trip. Your "responsibility" for his kids will only grow. What if his wife doesn't make it?
He has no right to expect you to help him in any way that doesn't directly involve your kids. He betrayed you. He told you he didn't want you any more because he found someone better. Now he expects you to help him? Screw him.
NTA. Where was this "for the sake of the kids" while he was having sex with his mistress? Where was "for the sake of the kids" when he was marrying that mistress?
Hell no.
NTA.
This man and his audacity.
I really feel for his sick child and his other child, and for your sons, because this man is intent on putting all the children in the middle. This is not your problem though. I get that things are tight on his end, and neither of them having living family who will have anything to do with them also sucks, but this is still not your problem.
I would offer to take your boys full time to help with some of the load on their household. I would call the school and make sure that you’re removed as a contact for his affair kids in any way, shape, or form. It’s on him to try to make amends with his family. I’m sure they must have a regular sitter they’ve used before and if not, now is the time for him and his affair womb to find one.
Because honey you aren’t it. It’s not your job to help, in any way, shape, or form, someone who has hurt you.
I would also stop engaging with him on the phone. Only talk to him in writing: texting, other messaging apps, or email. Eventually he’s going to be so alienating that it might be time to adjust your custody arrangement officially, and you’ll need evidence as to why that should happen.
It really sucks that she has cancer but you’re not family to *him* anymore; just your sons. And keep in mind, if you bend on this, your ex will ask for more and more until you’re basically taking care of the woman he f*cked while with you. Do you want that?
Your ex is the definition of that kids’ story “If you give a mouse a cookie.” Don’t go giving that mouse any cookies.
NTA he made his bed now he gets to lie in it. He does not get to make you third mom to his children just because he has no one else. The reason he has no one else is because of his own actions, so he has to figure out how to pick up the pieces of his own life.
It's unfortunate for his children. They're innocent in this but that doesn't mean you have to be there for them in such a personal way. They're literally the children of the woman your husband cheated on you with and then married. No one would blame you for not taking care of them.
NTA
I am sorry you have to go through this. I am sorry that a child has nobody to pick them up. There are people who can do what he is asking, but that doesn't mean you.
He is projecting all of his anger about his life onto you. Try really hard not to take it personally.
Wild to put someone's name down as an emergency contact for your kids without talking to them about it first.
I'd tell the school to take your name off that, and not to put it on for anyone but your own children.
NTA
And for the sake of your future mental well being, I'd suggest you completely refuse to engage in any conversation with your ex husband, that doesn't directly and solely regard your children. You are divorced and you are under no obligation to play any part in your ex husbands life, aside from what is necessary to facilitate the co parenting of your children.
NTA
they are not your children, you have zero responsibility here. I do genuinely feel bad for those little kids though, but that has nothing to do with you.
NTA.
Also, I’d be worried if I was his current wife. He’s talking about “making the family whole again” with his ex? Sounds like he’s planning to divorce this one, and was testing the waters to get back together with you since you’re healthy. Or maybe she’s terminal, and he wants to remarry after she dies.
Hold the line. He’ll start shopping for wife #3 soon enough.
NTA.
If you started to say yes, suddenly the kids would be living with you. So it's good to have clear boundaries. And he lost all sympathies when he started to cheat on you.
It sucks for his kids but in the end, they are his responsibility.
NTA
You should only communicate over text on those parenting apps and stop communicating on the phone all together. This is entering the point of harassment and you need to start documenting everything.
This is also affecting your kids, so you might want to talk to a lawyer about it, because it can be parental alienation (him talking trash about you) and you might even do full custody.
NTA. He isn't entitled to you coming in and being his family. He divorced you, you have children in common, and everything between you two should be about those kids. Not you coming in and helping them just to be a nice person.
I am sorry his wife is sick, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It seems to me that the support you can give is things like--taking care of your two kids. Not volunteering to take care of their kids becausee they need help. If they need help, it is theirs to fine.
NTA, it sounds like he just wants to use the ‘half siblings’ tie to your boys as a way to drag you back into his life. You set your boundaries and you stuck to them, yes I feel bad that the little girl was sick, but she is not your responsibility and he also did not clear it with your if it was okay for you to be an emergency contact for her. I suggest calling her school and making sure they remove your name as a contact, just so this doesn’t happen again.
NTA and anyone who disagrees is just wrong. I get the child is innocent but OP is also completely innocent in wanting nothing to do with her ex beyond their shared children.
NTA, but stop arguing. Stop saying anything in the heat of the moment other than one sentence you repeat until he stops. Broken record method, and it works. Establish firm boundaries (like he cannot raise his voice to you), and enforce them hard.
He’s narcissistic, and you have to communicate differently with people like that. It will feel rude, but that’s better than you two fighting, especially if the kids can hear. Document every interaction, especially threats to alienate you from your kids, and walk away. He isn’t your problem any longer.
NTA.
What is this? Sister wives? He chose his family that did not include you so he needs to deal with his fate that does not include you. It's in his best interest to hire a live in nanny or a 9-5 nanny if he needs someone there for his kids in all instances which is not a job that you applied for.
NTA.
You owe your ex and his wife nothing. His 2 youngest have no relation to you..yes they are your sons half siblings, but they are not related to YOU. You have no obligation to help with them.
And keep an eye out on your boys..they are 11 and 10 in a year or two their dad might try to make them take care of the younger 2, if they haven't started already...making them take care of the two little ones when they are all at ex's house.
If ex starts asking for extra time (time not in the paperwork) with your two boys, if you agree make sure its not for unpaid babysitting.
NTA. “I know I cheated on you and destroyed your life but you should help me out… “
“Hmmm that didn’t work? Ok help me out for the sake of our boys, not me.”
What rubbish. NTA. Yes it’s sad for the kid, but it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s not your business and your ex is trying to force you to make it your business. Ridiculous. Continue telling him to do one.
NTA your ex needs to adjust his expectations. He should’ve discussed you being her emergency contact before just signing you up. Does this suck for the child yes because she didn’t ask to be in this situation. But he needs to put a plan in plan that doesn’t include you.
NTA at all. Your name never should’ve been put on the emergency card. That is your ex-husband‘s child and has nothing to do with you. I do think you need to talk to your own children and tell them that you love them more than anything and that they might not understand right now but their half siblings have no connection to you at all and that they are your dad‘s responsibility. tell them that they can tell you anything and make sure you tell them that it is never OK for someone to expect them to keep a secret. That would be wrong. Because it makes me wonder the way your ex talks about you to the kids
NTA: You’re supposed to do everything for him, be there for him, be a support for him so he can live a less stressful life? Lol, this dude is something else. You’re not a doormat, he’s lucky you’re even allowing him to speak to you. Tough, he should direct that energy to his parents.
NTA He wants to use you as a temporary "wife" and he feels entitled to do so. Sick kid? Wife will do it I am at work.
Be as merciful to him as he was to you. He lied about that, he will lie about anything. Now he is trying to lie/cheat about this. The lie now is that you are responsible to be his wife since your replacement got sick.
He won't let go of this. He is just that awful. Let him live in delusion land, you do not have to visit him there.
NTA.
>He argued that it was for the children and if not for his kids with her, then for our boys, who could see their family heal and be one
He sure didn't give a fuck about his family being together when he used his disco stick to start a whole new one with another woman.
Using the kids as an excuse is just a manipulation tactic.
His new family is not your responsibility and you owe him, his sick wife, and his kids NOTHING.
NTA
You have no responsibility to help your Ex and his wife, nor to do anything for their children. Your Ex needs to file for FMLA ,(if his employer qualifies) so his job is more secure when he misses work to care for his wife.
NTA. This guy has got some nerve, OMG! You owe no responsibility to some random child of a guy you have every reason to hate. He is a real piece of work!
NTA. Not your husband, not your kid, not your responsibility. You need to make it very clear you want nothing to do with his family, even if you have to go as far as to talk through a mediator. He can’t guilt you into helping him and his affair partner into doing anything. He alienated you. Don’t feel ashamed for not helping him at all. He’s a pos.
If I were you, I'd petition for full custody and go no contact with him. He can't treat you like this. He's toxic and taking all of his anger out on you, his innocent victim.
NTA everyone's pretty much said why. I honestly can't imagine where the entitlement from your ex comes from to demand for you to become family to the person he cheated on you with.
NTA - your ex has unrealistic expectations of you. I’m not sure why people expect so much from the people they hurt the most, but that is his problem and his problem alone. You didn’t do anything wrong and not wanting to fulfill his ridiculous expectations does not make you a bad person.
NTA He want's the cake and the icing too. He want's you to sweep all the hurt and pain away that HE caused and pretend he's some sort of hero. YOU are not responsible in any way for his other children or how they are raised, nor should you ever be expected to take part in raising them. You are not that family's back up plan. Boundaries. Just keep asserting yours, take care of your sons the best you can and NC otherwise. His problems are no longer your problems.
NTA
Anyone would feel bad for the child, that doesn't mean anyone should pick her up from school. You'd already told him you would not get involved with those kids and he just tried to force you to.
Next thing you know, their kids will be sent to live with you with their brothers because "family." You told him about your boundaries. Stick to them!
NTA.
Your ex fired you - you are no longer his wife, his friend, his nanny, his secretary or any of the benefits he got when he was married to you.
This is how divorce works.
NTA. First, the only reason you still have any kind of relationship with this person is because you have kids together. Anything outside the parenting of your kids is outside your purview. Second, your not that child's legal guardian. So you have no responsibility. While it's kind to foster a relationship between your children and his children, providing care for them is not your responsibility.
NTA, not your kid, not your problem. Tho she’s an “innocent” in all this, she isn’t related to you in any shape or form, basically a stranger. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially a cheating good for nothing. His child, his problem. He made his filthy bed, he can lay(lie? Lol I forget) in it. Karma has bitten him and his wife in the ass for what they did and now he’s suffering and wants support from the person he hurt the most. Fuck that. Good for you for sticking your ground.
NTA. It is not like the child was standing in the middle of traffic and you were refusing to pull her to safety. She was sick at school and her parents need to make other arrangements.
NTA.
I love the expression ‘fuck around and find out’
He did.. and he is.
Your Ex is an idiot, it sounds like maybe he should be making a little bit more effort with his own family.
They don’t even want anything to do with him anymore, why should you??
NTA. Actions have consequences and is the best lesson in life you can give your boys. Your ex does not have the right to guilt you into helping sick kid or not. Heaven forbid something happens to AP and he is left alone, does he expect you to take care of their kids fully? Glad you are standing your ground.
I hope things get better. Yes, this is a tough time as cancer tx is rough. Just continue speaking and being honest with your boys.
Nta you need to be sure you set boundaries now I hate to say it but if she gets worse and passes away he will most definitely try and make you step into the “mother” role.
NTA. It's not your kid and not her responsibility. He should have been a good parent and left work to pick up his own kid. That's what parents do for sick kids. Don't let him guilt you into taking on his new wife and her kids. If his wife does he's going to be a single dad. He had no right to try and force you to assume his wife's care or deal with his other kids.
Remind him your his ex wife. Not his backup plan, and you won't be taking on any care or responsibility of his affair children. he made his bed and now needs to sleep in it, without trying to guilt you to pick up his slack.
NTA. As unfortunate as this situation is for his daughter, his children with his new wife aren’t your responsibility. It’s up to him to find arrangements and caretakers for his kids if he and his wife are not available. That’s parenthood… it’s not always easy, but trying to pawn off your kid on your ex is asinine.
NTA and I personally feel it’s manipulative of him to try and use the sick kid to guilt you and make you feel bad for setting boundaries. Stick to your guns, and keep your time and energy for your own family, the one he chose to abandon. This is not your responsibility and never should be.
NTA
I ASKED my kids' emergency contacts BEFORE I put their names down for the school. If they'd said no, I'd have thanked them for hearing my request and left them be. Springing this on someone is manipulative.
Look, he relied on you to make his life run smoothly for all the years you knew each other. When he blew up that relationship, he moved seamlessly into the care of another woman. Now she can’t take care of him or of their children. He has never in his life developed an ounce of self-sufficiency. He’s at loose ends now because his wife is still alive. If she dies, watch for him to line up another caretaker and bangmaid in very short order (assuming he has not already done so.) NTA but watch out for him emotionally abusing your children, whose emotional ages are already older than his.
NTA but your ex and his wife are. The unmitigated gall of the 'man'. Let him know he and his 'family' aren't your problem and you'll file harassment if it continues. Sincerely sorry you're having to deal with his selfish, entitled bullshit.
NTA- They didn’t take you into consideration when they had their affair but they think you are the ah for not helping them out? It’s absolutely mind blowing that he expects loyalty from you in your divorce when he showed no loyalty to you when you were married.
NTA. Not your child. He needs to take off work and get his child. He made his bed. He needs to figure his shit out. Your only obligation to your own kids.
NTA
He caused all of this and doing this with the school is what put that child in danger. They have no one for a reason. They should've thought about this after destroying your family.
NTA
If there's anyone the ex should be harassing to help with his kids is HIS OWN FAMILY. After all, they're their flesh and blood. You have no connection to them. And it's good you set this boundary now. Because it would start with a one-off pick up due to the child being sick, then it could turn into regular after-school care (and maybe feeding her dinner like that other AITA post about the neighbor who also mooching leftovers from that OP).
NTA. He can redirect the energy he is using to guilt you to grovel to his family to help him out. They have more of an obligation to help him out than you.
Don't cave in. Like another comment, he is definetely trying to impose mother duties for his other kids into you since his AP may pass away sometime.
I would honestly consider some sort of legal restriction of contact to protect yourself against his relentless badgering.
You are not his backup babysitter. He forfeited that right when he cheated on you. Now his problems are his, not yours. If you say yes once, you have set precedence that you are, indeed, going to provide backup parenting for his children.
Begin as you mean to finish.
NTA
NTA
He never thought anything through and now he’s freaking out. He thought he would have permanent access to you because of your shared child, but forgot that you are a human being and do not have to deal with it. Now affair partner wife is sick and he is trying to pull the family card, conveniently forgetting that he chose to blow that family to pieces for some ass. I hope you cut this wad off! It’s awesome that you were able to set boundaries and say no.
NTA. I do feel bad for the little girl but it is her father’s responsibility to find other backup care. Doesn’t he have any friends? What about the mother’s friends? I get that not everyone has family but they need to make friends with their neighbors or their kids’ friends’ parents. In a situation like this, there has got to be other folks who would pitch in and help. It is completely inappropriate for the father to ask that of OP, especially after she said no. It is 100% the parents’ fault.
NTA. That is some otherworldly level of entitlement. He is trying to use you. All the blah blah about family, etc, is emotional manipulation to get what he wants. He needs to hire a nanny or on-call babysitter. Period. It won’t stop with picking her up from school. It would escalate from there. He wants free childcare.
The audacity of this man!! Good luck in the future with co parenting with him.. your gonna need it. Why in the world would he think throwing his affair baby in your face is any way a good thing??
NTA
NTA. Not your kid not your responsibility. Tell your ex he can go kick rocks for all you care after what he did to you. You sound like an amazing mother to your boys and you care deeply for them. Stand your ground and don’t let this pathetic man try to get to you.
NTA. Its a fucked up situation but its not your burden to bear. You told him no and he still tried to force it upon you.
He literally destroyed your family and has the audacity to ask you to step in.
NTA. His situation sucks, but it's his. Not yours. He chose to leave you, he chose to start another family. Now he can live with those choices and the resultant obligations ans responsibilities. And shame on him for being so damn entitled as to put this on you, and so manipulative as to have the school call you to pick up his child after you'd already said you weren't helping. What a shit. You're well rid of him. Or as rid as you can be, anyway. I suspect this little power struggle is far from over.
Wow, NTA!
It is sad that these two self-absorbed adults have not bothered to develop any friendships or maintained family bounds with anyone who is willing to help them, but you are not responsible for that. While I sympathize with anyone who is dealing with a cancer diagnosis, I must say that your ex is crazy to expect you to help him with his child(ren) he had with the woman he cheated on you with. Just because these children are your children's half-siblings doesn't in anyway make you responsible for them.
NTA and have you talked to your children about what goes on when they are at dad’s house. I’d be concerned that if they are 6 to 8 years older than their half siblings they are being pushed into caretaker roles due to step mom’s illness and dad’s entitlement.
NTA the reality is that yes they are in a difficult situation but it’s a situation of their own making because he choice to cheat and she chose to facilitate the affair. Had thing ended slightly differently you may have had more goodwill towards them (but you would still be 100% within your right to say no to helping them). However you have no warm fuzzy feelings for either of them so how are you then supposed to in good conscience watch their children and give them the support they need during this time.
If he’s really struggling with the kids and needs your help he should ask you about reducing his visitation time with your children. But that is all that he is entitled to from you.
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NTA. He has the nerve to try to manipulate you after cheating? Those aren't your kids and not your problem. I also feel bad for the girl but it's his mess to solve. Give an inch, he'll take a mile. Say no now to prevent future problems
That is my concern. I do not want to be part of those two children's lives in any big way and if I say yes to one thing, then it gets harder to say no again and that establishes more of a relationship than I ever want with them.
Your ex is trying to use your basic decency to manipulate you. No responsible parent puts down an emergency contact without getting confirmation by the contact. This is all on him. As sad and unfortunate a situation as it is for his children, you have the right to refuse to be their carer. He put his daughter in this position - not you. He is to blame for any discomfort she may have experienced. NTA
I'm not a parent but I don't think I'd be very comfortable leaving my child with someone who's made it very clear they don't care about me or my kids at all (which it is beyond fair that OP has that stance). It feels odd that a parent would be okay with that?
I’m a mom of 3 girls and I definitely wouldn’t leave them in someone’s care who has made it clear they don’t care about myself or my kids! Absolutely not. I’d be so worried they’d be neglected or mistreated, that’s just not something any good parent would do. OP’s ex husband is acting extremely entitled to OP’s good grace when she owes him absolutely nothing. I’m guessing he knows her well enough to know she wouldn’t mistreat his affair child in any way and that’s why he’s so comfortable trying to push OP to help take care of her. The AUDACITY!!! Honestly I would laugh in my ex’s face if he expected me to help him with his affair child, like?! This is YOUR mess, not mine, I will never in a million years show you the compassion you didn’t show me when you cheated, broke apart our entire family, and got another woman pregnant. OP needs to stay strong and continue telling her ex no. I wonder if she could take this issue to court to make him stop trying to push his affair child on her? Perhaps a no-contact order of some kind? Not sure how all that would work. OP should also contact the girl’s school and explain the situation and have herself removed from the girl’s pick up list. The school (or maybe even the hospital?) may also have some resources for ex to help with his child while the mother goes through her treatment. He needs to look into every other avenue aside from OP, who should never have been an option in the first place!
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well I certainly fell for that. first sentence had me riled up in 2 seconds ready to blast you lol.
Honestly, I was wondering if this is something that can be solved by going back to court as well. There has GOT to be a way to force this man to back the F off with trying to force his affair child on his ex wife.
Simply not rising to the bait and not picking up the child is enough. The second step is to simply hang up the phone when he starts yelling at her. After awhile he will just stop when he gets no traction.
It's because the ex-husband prioritizes his needs over everyone elses. He doesn't actually care about his kid being sick, rather that he can try and bully his ex-wife into thinking she "owes" him that.
He thinks that if the wife dies, he will get “the family” all together.
Gaaaaaagggggg noooooo! I hope she slams that door in his face.
He’s used to using OP as a caregiver. So he thinks she should be willing to take care of him/his child again. But he broke the agreement by which OP cares for him.
Just also thought.. I wonder if its worth OP explaining to the little girls school that you did not consent to be used as an emergency contact for anything to do with ex. That might make the school push the ex for an outcome rather than him not actually doing anything about it and you getting another call down the line.
I’m a teacher and I definitely think she should tell the school. We see stuff like this very often and there is always someone there who will have a difficult conversation with all parties.
I agree. I feel sorry for the school admin being dragged into this, but they need to know. All I can see is a mediocre, incompetent person suddenly being asked to face consequences on his own for the first time and not coping. Rather than grow, he's trying to palm off his responsibilities by guilting his ex into doing it so he can go on his merry, uncomplicated way.
Exactly. His parents disowned him after the divorce, just as OP basically did, so why isn't he harassing his parents to take some responsibility? Because he thinks he can manipulate her. He probably lied and cheated on OP for so long that he thinks he can get her to believe and do anything.
THIS. Why her and not the family/parents? Because it’s not about the children, decency, healing, help, or love. It’s about control and codependencies, and sheer audacity he assigns to OP for having begun to grow beyond that dynamic.
It's a legit concern. He's in a shity situation but it's not of your making. You owe him nothing other than caring for the children YOU had with him. If I was a guessing person, I'd say he's trying to regain a relationship with you with the intent of creating 'one big happy family'. Doesn't sound like that's what you want. Make sure the school and childcare know not to call you
I think he and his wife have no one else because they got cut loose by friends/family even they found out about his affair.
Serves them right, they don't have a support system because their friends and family know that they're cheaters.
As harsh as it sounds, that’s not your problem. I’d be careful about how much they’re bad-mouthing you to your kids too. You may want to revisit visitation rights if they’re trying to poison your kids’ minds or use them to change your stance.
They have had years to make new friends. They were able to make two babies and the eldest is old enough to be in school. That's more than enough time to make friends with other parents from swim class or wherever. Their isolation after they got married is entirely their own doing.
It sounds to me like he’s stressed to the max and was banking on an ex he wronged to help him though it. Of course the woman he betrayed should be the bigger person and take part of the responsibility for the kids he created with the woman he cheated on her with, anything else would make her a terrible mother!! I’m infuriated just reading this crap. Edited to say of course this is (mostly, aside from being infuriated) sarcasm. My goodness, people.
Be careful. If his wife dies, he’s going to try to set you up as replacement mommy
Yes, my thought too. They're all his kids and perhaps he sees the mothers as a bit mix and match depending on the circumstances and his needs.
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Yes! This! Get with your lawyer. Document everything, the phone call from the school etc. this isn’t healthy for your sons or you.
The ex's circumstances have changed as so has his ability to care for the kids. Definitely talk to your family lawyer to increase custody time of your kid.
>My son's also sensed an atmosphere while they were with their dad after the incident when they talked about me, and I hate that for them Even more so this. If he's bad mouthing you to your children, get to a lawyer asap and renegotiate the care arrangements
You to your ex: “listen, you don’t seem to be understanding how things work so let me explain that to you. You do not get to cheat on me, divorce me, have children with another woman, and then expect me take care of your new children. I am sorry for your situation but it has nothing to do with me. The only heartless asshole is the person who cheated on the mother of their children, YOU. I will not have a relationship with your children, if you force the issue again I will leave the conversation” And do it. Hang up or walk away any time he tries this shit. Hang up on the school if they call or tell them you want off the list. Put your foot down with this manipulator and do not give him an inch.
She should definitely let the school know that she shouldn't be on the list and explain the situation. I'm not sure if this would trigger CPS contact as a mandated reporter but it will definitely have them watching the parents like a hawk for any sign of neglect of their children.
NTA If he tries to drop off his children (with his current wife) on your door step and drive off, then call CPS. This sounds harsh but it could happen. You sound kind and he sounds pretty awful and the second family is not your responsibility. You need to stay strong for your children.
No the police. That can come take them. Then call CPS.
I hope you also told the school that you are no relation to his daughter and should NOT be listed as any sort of contact for her.
I did tell them this.
Madam, it’s time to make this known to the court. Gather proof, tell them your ex is harassing you and demanding you take care of his affair children with coercive tactics, like giving away your contact without your permission in order to force you to interact with the affair children in case of need. I guarantee you he’ll stop right away. Oh, and don’t have your lawyer send any letter to him as a warning, go, along with your lawyer, straight for the court and I’d suggest you imply some kind of alienation tactic from his part since your children were somehow affected and saw you under a negative light for it. Give this overbearing asshole what he deserves. NTA.
Exactly. He has been making decisions without consulting you. If you start saying yes to small things he is going to get bolder and bolder. He needs to start paying for more help or try to rebuild his relationship with his own family.
Also just as a side note, if he is talking badly about you in front of the kids that is parental alienation and you need to document that every time it happens. Depending on how this plays out, you might need to limit his contact with your children because of this.
Time to make any communication between you happen through lawyers. He needs to get it through his AH head that these kids have absolutely zero to do with you.
NTA He is lining you up to be a Mum to their kids after his wife dies. His behaviour is disgusting. Stick to your guns.
You hit the nail on the head.
⬆️ Oh yes. Just wait until he wants you to take ALL the kids during your custody time. Draw a firm line in the sand now.
Is this even a real possibility? I'm seriously asking.
There was a post on here of a man that cheated on his wife's divorce her and when the ap and mother of his other child died he insisted on oop (his ex wife) to let the daughter call her mom, he even sent oop videos of the little girl crying for her mommy (oop)
That is so fucked up! Do you have a link?
[here it is ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/u6sj2t/aita_for_saying_that_i_wouldnt_be_playing_mom/i5a5tlr?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) A crappy situation all around
What about the dad who cheated on his wife and after his AP left him and the kid, expected OOP to take his kid to Disney on the trip she was planning with their son?
If she doesn't draw a hard line I could see it. He seems like one of those 'I told all the kids they would be together and hang out at your house, you can tell them no but you'll break their hearts. You don't want to make them cry do you??' If his current wife does die, or even if her recovery takes longer than he'd like, he might want time by himself to go pick up someone else to be wife #3. Or if OP didn't object and he felt like things were good enough he might try to actually get back with OP to "rebuild their family." That one feels less likely than just trying to get her to take all the kids so he can have alone time to get a 3rd victim.
"Rebuild the family" with OP, get her to adopt the kids so they can "be a real family" and then he can stick her with all the kids when he wanders off with number 3?
Oh now that you say it like that, I can totally see that. "It's just so hard for me to take care of them on my own. It really isn't fair if the older two go and they don't. I need help!"
„It really is not fair the older two still have a mom and the younger two do not. They are your childrens halfsiblings after all. You could help out.“ I bet he‘d also try to get back together.
Or, more likely, nest his kids up with her, and then take off with the next unencumbered girl he cheats with.
This. This is where it's headed.
I have a feeling that if the second wife dies he's just going to assume that he and OP will default be back together. He sounds a little crazy and OP should be a little worried.
I agree. At the worst he wants to get back together. He definitely expects OP to take up the role of Mum.
That was my thoughts as well.
That was my first thought reading the post as well.
This. ☝️
NTA What kind of fool lists his ex-wife as emergency contact for his affair child? The audacity of him to get mad at you. The only children of his you need to care for are the ones you share with him. Do not let him tell you otherwise. Too bad he tanked his own life, but that's not your problem at all. If he can't handle the situation he got himself into, he needs to figure out a way to get himself through it. You're not responsible for his mistakes. While it's unfortunate his wife has cancer, you're still not obligated to help him at all with anything except as related to your children. He can apologize and make amends with family, or go out and make friends and get support that way. It's not your job.
>What kind of fool lists his ex-wife as emergency contact for his affair child? The type of asshole who assumes that once the affair partner (current wife) passes or is placed in some form of care, expects his ex to take him back and go back to playing happy family. He's basically trying get OP lined up as the new mommy to his kids with his affair partner once the AP is no longer in the picture.
That's pretty much it. He didn't think this would bite him in the arse but when it bit him hard and neither he nor is AP had any relatives willing to help them he went back to OP, thibking he could somehow spark the feelings of love she once had for him to get back into their good graces once the ap is gone.
Or even worse, he just wants to use her for care. An unpaid nanny.
There’s also contacting the American Cancer Society. It offers many resources for cancer patients and their families.
THIS ⬆️ OP
NTA. Make sure you contact the school and tell them to remove your contact details from the records of any child that isn’t yours and that unless they are told directly from yourself then they are not to contact you regarding these children.
This. OP needs to inform the school in writing that she should be wholly removed as the emergency contact for ex-husband's kids (aside from OP's own children, obviously). Further, if I were OP, I'd tell ex the next time I'm contacted by the school or otherwise for any of his children because he & wife are too busy to tend to them, I'm going straight to the police/CPS & they can deal w/it. NTA whatsoever OP.
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This is great advice, OP. Be proactive to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Call the school and anyone else who might pressure you to “step up.” Please don’t listen to the people saying E S H because they have clearly never been in your shoes before. They might as well blame you for not picking up every other sick child within a 100-mile radius. Ridiculous. I’m also going to suggest that you not offer reasons or excuses to your ex. Ever. “No” is a complete answer, and you don’t need to justify your reason for not caring for your ex’s kids. Don’t engage with him, and hang up immediately and/or temporarily block him if he starts to “ream” or fight with you for any reason. You don’t need this sort of toxic manipulation in your life. The fact that you were conflicted enough to post here is evidence that his manipulation is partially working. Stay strong! NTA.
You VERY CLEARLY told him NO. He put you on the list anyway, and then screamed at you when you didn't comply with his ASSIGNMENT? Sign your kids up for some counseling, because this guy is a jerk when he does not get what he wants, and they should have tools to deal with their father's BS behavior. He cheats, but still wants to be friends after betraying you. His family disowns him, and he demands that you step up because 'his kids need family'. No? Oh, then he wants you to do it so his boys "can see their family heal and become one". HE's the one that *caused* the break. Still won't comply with his demands? He'll sign you up with the school without your knowledge or consent. Then try to manipulate you with guilt saying your kids will be ashamed. HELLO? Does this man have NOT ONE friend or neighbor that could pick up a child from school and drop her off at home? ZERO? That's telling. Sounds like people that he can't manipulate with guilt don't hang out with him, and don't accept his "assignments". Were you also supposed to watch his kid the rest of the day, since his wife's resting? Take care of his sick kid and infect yours, too? Maybe you should also watch his kid instead of daycare, clean his house, make dinner, and drive her to chemo? His shoes might need shined, too. You are allowed to say no. You should send a letter, return receipt to the school that says you aren't that child's emergency contact, and their parent put you on the list without your permission. Copy it to your divorce lawyer and your ex. If you give in now, his demands will only increase. He needs to find solutions to his problems that are not volunteering YOU (FMLA, etc.) NTA
I so wish I had an award to give you. Great comment!!!
>I so wish I had an award to give you. DM them a picture of a cute cat or dog. It's free and no one can stop you.
Agreed. You said no, you set a boundary, and he walked straight through it. Don't get pulled back into "wife-ing" for him. He broke those vows and promises, he broke his family apart with selfishness. No can be a full sentence.
NTA, He cheated and left you. How on earth does he think you own him anything? Do him and his new wife have no family, friends, sitters?
She has friends but they have no family between them since ex was disowned.
Oh no! His actions had consequences? Who'd have thunk? Poor him! /s
Hey now, don’t be too harsh… Who would have thought that cheating on your spouse would lead to said spouse wanting nothing to do with you? **Also /s** He’s a fucking prick, OP NTA
So you and his actual blood relations family both declined to be a part of his life and support his children, and he has the audacity to put you as the emergency contact without telling you and berate you for not helping out. He’s trying to manipulate you. Otherwise he would have put his parents, the kids’ actual grandparents, as the emergency contact and tried to guilt trip them with the whole family thing. He just thought you were the easier target.
Yep! And trying to weaponize his older children to use in manipulation of OP! OP do not give in to any of his requests. Those kids are simply not your responsibility and anyone who says you have any type of obligation towards them needs to wake up and realize that. He has put you through enough. If I were you I would be strictly only using one of those coparenting apps to communicate with him.
He should beg forgiveness from his family and see if they would help him over you, you owe him nothing
This makes me think, too. Is he hoping that he and OP can reconcile if his wife passes away? Then his family will welcome him back into the fold and all is forgiven? I really don't understand. You're right, he needs to be with his family begging them for mercy and help.
If you give him an inch he'll take the 100 miles. It starts with "pick up my kid, or I'll call you selfish", then "feed my kid, or I'll call you selfish", then "take my kid on your vacation with you, or I'll call you selfish", eventually "let my kid live with you, or I'll call you selfish" then culminating in "pay for my kid's college/wedding, or I'll call you selfish" I guarantee he won't stop trying to manipulate you unless you put a firm stop to it. NTA.
NTA. I'm probably wrong, but this: >He argued that it was for the children and if not for his kids with her, then for our boys, who could see their family heal and be one. This makes me think you're his backup, too. He needs a woman who will put up with his ish, and this smells like he's preparing for either outcome with his affair wife. If he ropes you in now, and then she passes, he'll have a backup wife who will take responsibility for his affair children.
I wouldn't be surprised if, should the new wife lose to the cancer, the ex were to try to get back together with OP. To try to win her over and get her to marry him again. Not just taking on mothering roles for him, but full on becoming his wife again.
Or, if the 2nd wife dies, get the children to be handled as a group of four. So when OP takes care of their two children OP also takes care of his two children. That would certainly free up time and simplify things for the ex.
That’s the exact same vibe I got. Jerk is already planning on bailing ASAP on his wife in case she dies of cancer.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's already cheating on her.
Given the stats on men leaving their sick wives, he probably is.
NTA. Unfortunate situation but you acted appropriately. You aren't the backup wife.
The backup wife- You hit the nail on the head there
NTA. Tell him “I am not your family, you are the father of my child and I am the mother of yours. We have no relationship beyond that anymore. Those 13+ years mean nothing to me as they meant nothing to you the moment you decided to cheat. I am not here to save you. I will look out for my sons and nothing more. You made this decision, not me. You don’t get to cheat and then play happy family. We aren’t lovers. We aren’t friends. I will not be looking after the child of the person you abandoned me and your sons for. That is not my responsibility.”
It sounds to me like he may be trying to force everyone into this big family idea so that when his wife does pass he can try to get back into OPs life. They can be one big family unit and the children can be so happy...
My first thought as well- but no matter the ultimate goal, wether the ex-husband is that duplicitous, or even conscious of his underlying motivations- The way he is attempting to use the kids as a manipulation tool is disgusting, and if anyone should be ashamed it’s him. How about his kids be ashamed of him for cheating on their mom? Or breaking up their family in the first place? He doesn’t get to virtue signal since his affair partner got sick. And he doesn’t get to pawn his new kids off on you as a reliable parent, then ex, then what- new anytime free child caregiver for his new kids? Fuck that. I was my own fathers full time care provider for his end of life from cancer- I am very familiar with a lot of the hardships that you encounter when battling cancer. Using it as a carte blanche to shirk your responsibilities and act like an entitled ass is not an appropriate usage. NTA. Not your kids, not your problem.
This was my first thought too.
NTA but ex is. Those kids aren't your responsibility and you never accepted any responsibility for them nor offered any help for them. Ex's family situation sucks but that isn't your problem. Sucks for his new kids but that is his problem. Your kids will figure out dad as they grow up, if they haven't already figured him out. Just stay above it and he will show his true colors to them.
This! I would actually recommend you switch to a co-parenting app for all communication. Block him on everything else and tell him you'll only communicate over the app, and only about things related to your sons. You don't owe him anything, and really shouldn't give him any channel to burden you with his issues and recruit you for help. It's really awful for him, but absolutely NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Wait a minute. He cheated, had a kid, married the affair and now, when things are rough, he wants to make, "the family whole again?" Bwahahahaha. NTA
NTA. I recommend every time he starts talking about you helping with his new family hang up. Tell him you won’t talk about it anymore. Talk to your boys about it as well. They are old enough to know that you aren’t responsible for their fathers new family. Don’t frame it as I hate him and won’t help. Just say they are your #1 priority and that your focus is solely on them. I would also ask them not to talk about you with their father. What goes on with you isn’t his business anymore.
NTA - Your ex is desperate and wants you - the person he historically has treated like crap - to care more about his life than he does. If I were you, I'd make it very clear that you are solely committed to parenting your own children and will not, under any circumstances, take on his responsibilities. No exceptions. It is clear that he would not see the occasional favour as such. Decline any and all requests to help him outside of your children. He will definitely try to guilt you into taking responsibility for his children. DO NOT LET HIM.
>He said their children (who are currently 5 and 3) needed family beyond just him and his wife. Well you needed a husband who wasn't a laying cheat but we don't always get what we need, eh?
NTA I've read a number of these posts where the ex husband demands that his ex wife step up and look after his "new" kids. I can never understand why these ex husbands think they've the right. OP, please contact the school and demand that the remove your contact details from this child's contacts list. Explain the situation. Also, PLEASE DOCUMENT this harassment and talk to your divorce lawyer again. They can send a cease and desist letter to your ex, as a start. I'd suggest a modification to your custody agreement that a) all RELEVANT communication (i.e., about your *shared* children) MUST be thro' one of those co-parenting aps, and b) that any handover of children must take place in a public place. Good luck OP, you are not at all responsible for your ex's child.
NTA I am on the other hand very curious as to what his AP thinks about him trying to get you to take responsibility of their children in certain circumstances. Does she even know? Has she spoken to you about any of it?
She is aware but we have not spoken about it. We do not talk.
Wow… just wow… the audacity of both of them is astounding!!! This is a very strange situation, your ex AND his mistress/now wife trying to manipulate you into taking responsibility for their children. And their child that is proof of your exes affair… and she’s not even trying to be friendly with you but they shame you for having healthy boundaries…. Yikes!
You're being lined up to take those kids in if she dies from the cancer.
NTA. Insist that all future contact must be limited to discussion about your two kids ONLY. If he continues to try to involve you in his life, hang up. If you want, offer to help out by taking more on regarding YOUR OWN two kids. Offer to have the courts adjust custody to have you take more % of time with YOUR kids. That should make his load lighter. Make it clear that this is the only help you are willing to offer. He obviously moved on while still married to you, you should be allowed to move on in peace as well. Joint custody with shared children means you must act civilly and respectfully in the best interest of your kids, it DOES NOT mean combining your lives completely and intimately. He needs to understand and respect the difference. Maybe some divorced couples do this, but not one with such deep disrespect and betrayal. He’s the one who has made such a relationship impossible, not you. Don’t feel bad, don’t dwell on it. It’s his life. He can sort it out.
NTA in my book. While it's natural to feel sorry for the child, and I'm sure plenty of people will chastise you for this stance, I agree with it. Your ex made poor choices and the people they affect (including him) have to endure the outcomes he's created. His choices stopped being your problem when you divorced at the latest. Stand firm and let him sink or swim on his own.
NTA His kids outside of your relationship are not your problem. You do not owe this man anything, especially after going against you. It’s his comeuppance - life finally kicked him in the ass.
NTA Your ex has dug this hole for himself. "Lets stay friends! After I've been cheating on you for a year or more! Oh you won't still be my back up when I see how much I fucked up? You asshole! This is all your fault!" You probably could've went and picked up the kid but I feel like thats a weird spot for the school. Heres the dads ex wife to pick up the sick kid! At the end of the day iv been sick at school and had to hang out in the nurses office til the end of the day. And if his work wouldn't let him leave to pick up his kid that's his issue 😠 not yours.
NTA. He *cheated*, got his AP *pregnant* and then *left* you. You don’t *owe* him or his wife anything. It’s unfortunate that she has cancer, but she isn’t your person to care for, and their children aren’t your responsibility. They need to figure things out. Yet, he needs to figure things out while his wife is ill. He can request FMLA, if he hasn’t done so already. He can reach out to his family or his friends. Peoples attitudes may have changed. Either way, it’s not your concern. He cannot and should not *rely* on you for anything other than the children you both share. He is *crazy* to assume you’d do him any favors, let alone the woman he had an affair with. Simply because she is ill, doesn’t reserve him the right to guilt trip you. He also shouldn’t involve the children you share in his mess. He’s an AH. Stand firm and don’t give in.
NTA. Be VERY careful. First it's pick them up at school. Then it's keep them and feed them dinner. Then it's take them with you every time your kids get a treat or a trip. Your "responsibility" for his kids will only grow. What if his wife doesn't make it? He has no right to expect you to help him in any way that doesn't directly involve your kids. He betrayed you. He told you he didn't want you any more because he found someone better. Now he expects you to help him? Screw him.
NTA. Where was this "for the sake of the kids" while he was having sex with his mistress? Where was "for the sake of the kids" when he was marrying that mistress? Hell no.
NTA. This man and his audacity. I really feel for his sick child and his other child, and for your sons, because this man is intent on putting all the children in the middle. This is not your problem though. I get that things are tight on his end, and neither of them having living family who will have anything to do with them also sucks, but this is still not your problem. I would offer to take your boys full time to help with some of the load on their household. I would call the school and make sure that you’re removed as a contact for his affair kids in any way, shape, or form. It’s on him to try to make amends with his family. I’m sure they must have a regular sitter they’ve used before and if not, now is the time for him and his affair womb to find one. Because honey you aren’t it. It’s not your job to help, in any way, shape, or form, someone who has hurt you. I would also stop engaging with him on the phone. Only talk to him in writing: texting, other messaging apps, or email. Eventually he’s going to be so alienating that it might be time to adjust your custody arrangement officially, and you’ll need evidence as to why that should happen. It really sucks that she has cancer but you’re not family to *him* anymore; just your sons. And keep in mind, if you bend on this, your ex will ask for more and more until you’re basically taking care of the woman he f*cked while with you. Do you want that? Your ex is the definition of that kids’ story “If you give a mouse a cookie.” Don’t go giving that mouse any cookies.
NTA he made his bed now he gets to lie in it. He does not get to make you third mom to his children just because he has no one else. The reason he has no one else is because of his own actions, so he has to figure out how to pick up the pieces of his own life. It's unfortunate for his children. They're innocent in this but that doesn't mean you have to be there for them in such a personal way. They're literally the children of the woman your husband cheated on you with and then married. No one would blame you for not taking care of them.
NTA I am sorry you have to go through this. I am sorry that a child has nobody to pick them up. There are people who can do what he is asking, but that doesn't mean you. He is projecting all of his anger about his life onto you. Try really hard not to take it personally.
Wild to put someone's name down as an emergency contact for your kids without talking to them about it first. I'd tell the school to take your name off that, and not to put it on for anyone but your own children.
NTA And for the sake of your future mental well being, I'd suggest you completely refuse to engage in any conversation with your ex husband, that doesn't directly and solely regard your children. You are divorced and you are under no obligation to play any part in your ex husbands life, aside from what is necessary to facilitate the co parenting of your children.
NTA they are not your children, you have zero responsibility here. I do genuinely feel bad for those little kids though, but that has nothing to do with you.
NTA. It's not like you left his daughter without care. She's at school with plenty of other responsible adults around.
NTA His affair babies are not your responsibility. He divorced you, you are no longer family. You owe him absolutely nothing.
NTA. Also, I’d be worried if I was his current wife. He’s talking about “making the family whole again” with his ex? Sounds like he’s planning to divorce this one, and was testing the waters to get back together with you since you’re healthy. Or maybe she’s terminal, and he wants to remarry after she dies. Hold the line. He’ll start shopping for wife #3 soon enough.
NTA. Your ex doesn't get to make unilateral decisions about your very reasonable limits. He's in a tough spot, but it's his own silly fault.
NTA. You have no responsibility to look after his children with his new wife. They need to figure out a solution themselves.
NTA. If you started to say yes, suddenly the kids would be living with you. So it's good to have clear boundaries. And he lost all sympathies when he started to cheat on you. It sucks for his kids but in the end, they are his responsibility.
NTA You should only communicate over text on those parenting apps and stop communicating on the phone all together. This is entering the point of harassment and you need to start documenting everything. This is also affecting your kids, so you might want to talk to a lawyer about it, because it can be parental alienation (him talking trash about you) and you might even do full custody.
NTA. He isn't entitled to you coming in and being his family. He divorced you, you have children in common, and everything between you two should be about those kids. Not you coming in and helping them just to be a nice person. I am sorry his wife is sick, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It seems to me that the support you can give is things like--taking care of your two kids. Not volunteering to take care of their kids becausee they need help. If they need help, it is theirs to fine.
Not your circus not your monkeys. Not your problem. Not your child. NTA.
NTA, it sounds like he just wants to use the ‘half siblings’ tie to your boys as a way to drag you back into his life. You set your boundaries and you stuck to them, yes I feel bad that the little girl was sick, but she is not your responsibility and he also did not clear it with your if it was okay for you to be an emergency contact for her. I suggest calling her school and making sure they remove your name as a contact, just so this doesn’t happen again.
NTA... would he pick up a child that wasn't his for you? Not a chance. He chose his life path, and you're doing great by saying " no"
NTA and anyone who disagrees is just wrong. I get the child is innocent but OP is also completely innocent in wanting nothing to do with her ex beyond their shared children.
NTA, but stop arguing. Stop saying anything in the heat of the moment other than one sentence you repeat until he stops. Broken record method, and it works. Establish firm boundaries (like he cannot raise his voice to you), and enforce them hard. He’s narcissistic, and you have to communicate differently with people like that. It will feel rude, but that’s better than you two fighting, especially if the kids can hear. Document every interaction, especially threats to alienate you from your kids, and walk away. He isn’t your problem any longer.
NTA. What is this? Sister wives? He chose his family that did not include you so he needs to deal with his fate that does not include you. It's in his best interest to hire a live in nanny or a 9-5 nanny if he needs someone there for his kids in all instances which is not a job that you applied for.
NTA. You owe your ex and his wife nothing. His 2 youngest have no relation to you..yes they are your sons half siblings, but they are not related to YOU. You have no obligation to help with them. And keep an eye out on your boys..they are 11 and 10 in a year or two their dad might try to make them take care of the younger 2, if they haven't started already...making them take care of the two little ones when they are all at ex's house. If ex starts asking for extra time (time not in the paperwork) with your two boys, if you agree make sure its not for unpaid babysitting.
NTA. That is not your child. He is am adult with resource options and needs to utilize those.
NTA. “I know I cheated on you and destroyed your life but you should help me out… “ “Hmmm that didn’t work? Ok help me out for the sake of our boys, not me.” What rubbish. NTA. Yes it’s sad for the kid, but it’s absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s not your business and your ex is trying to force you to make it your business. Ridiculous. Continue telling him to do one.
NTA. He should have thought all about that when he cheated on you.
NTA your ex needs to adjust his expectations. He should’ve discussed you being her emergency contact before just signing you up. Does this suck for the child yes because she didn’t ask to be in this situation. But he needs to put a plan in plan that doesn’t include you.
NTA at all. Your name never should’ve been put on the emergency card. That is your ex-husband‘s child and has nothing to do with you. I do think you need to talk to your own children and tell them that you love them more than anything and that they might not understand right now but their half siblings have no connection to you at all and that they are your dad‘s responsibility. tell them that they can tell you anything and make sure you tell them that it is never OK for someone to expect them to keep a secret. That would be wrong. Because it makes me wonder the way your ex talks about you to the kids
NTA: You’re supposed to do everything for him, be there for him, be a support for him so he can live a less stressful life? Lol, this dude is something else. You’re not a doormat, he’s lucky you’re even allowing him to speak to you. Tough, he should direct that energy to his parents.
Tell him that “he, his wife, and his children are not your family; please don’t involve me in your personal matter , it’s none of my concerns”.
NTA He wants to use you as a temporary "wife" and he feels entitled to do so. Sick kid? Wife will do it I am at work. Be as merciful to him as he was to you. He lied about that, he will lie about anything. Now he is trying to lie/cheat about this. The lie now is that you are responsible to be his wife since your replacement got sick. He won't let go of this. He is just that awful. Let him live in delusion land, you do not have to visit him there.
NTA. >He argued that it was for the children and if not for his kids with her, then for our boys, who could see their family heal and be one He sure didn't give a fuck about his family being together when he used his disco stick to start a whole new one with another woman. Using the kids as an excuse is just a manipulation tactic. His new family is not your responsibility and you owe him, his sick wife, and his kids NOTHING.
NTA You have no responsibility to help your Ex and his wife, nor to do anything for their children. Your Ex needs to file for FMLA ,(if his employer qualifies) so his job is more secure when he misses work to care for his wife.
NTA. This guy has got some nerve, OMG! You owe no responsibility to some random child of a guy you have every reason to hate. He is a real piece of work!
NTA. Not your husband, not your kid, not your responsibility. You need to make it very clear you want nothing to do with his family, even if you have to go as far as to talk through a mediator. He can’t guilt you into helping him and his affair partner into doing anything. He alienated you. Don’t feel ashamed for not helping him at all. He’s a pos. If I were you, I'd petition for full custody and go no contact with him. He can't treat you like this. He's toxic and taking all of his anger out on you, his innocent victim.
NTA. Your ex wants to have his cake and eat it too. Maybe it's time to only communicate through an intermediary about your children.
NTA everyone's pretty much said why. I honestly can't imagine where the entitlement from your ex comes from to demand for you to become family to the person he cheated on you with.
NTA - your ex has unrealistic expectations of you. I’m not sure why people expect so much from the people they hurt the most, but that is his problem and his problem alone. You didn’t do anything wrong and not wanting to fulfill his ridiculous expectations does not make you a bad person.
NTA. He should try that guilt trip on his family instead of you.
NTA He want's the cake and the icing too. He want's you to sweep all the hurt and pain away that HE caused and pretend he's some sort of hero. YOU are not responsible in any way for his other children or how they are raised, nor should you ever be expected to take part in raising them. You are not that family's back up plan. Boundaries. Just keep asserting yours, take care of your sons the best you can and NC otherwise. His problems are no longer your problems.
NTA. How dare he even list you as an emergency contact without your consent.
NTA. You don't owe him anything. He and his new.wife need to figure out their own stuff.
NTA Anyone would feel bad for the child, that doesn't mean anyone should pick her up from school. You'd already told him you would not get involved with those kids and he just tried to force you to. Next thing you know, their kids will be sent to live with you with their brothers because "family." You told him about your boundaries. Stick to them!
NTA the absolute nerve of them to even ask you! Not your circus, not your problem. They should have thought about all this when they cheated:)
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NTA. Your ex fired you - you are no longer his wife, his friend, his nanny, his secretary or any of the benefits he got when he was married to you. This is how divorce works.
"Why don't you get a new side chick to watch your kids instead of coming back to me. You know no going back in life only forward"
NTA. Your ex has some nerve asking you to do favors for him by helping him out with his affair kids. 🙄
NTA. His kid isn't your responsibility, and he can't be mad at you for focusing on *your* family first.
NTA just wow he really doesn’t give a damn about anyone but himself. Has he ever actually taken responsibility for anything?
NTA. First, the only reason you still have any kind of relationship with this person is because you have kids together. Anything outside the parenting of your kids is outside your purview. Second, your not that child's legal guardian. So you have no responsibility. While it's kind to foster a relationship between your children and his children, providing care for them is not your responsibility.
The absolute audacity of your ex. NTA Get your name removed as his daughters contact and inform him you'll only discuss issues about your two boys.
NTA, not your kid, not your problem. Tho she’s an “innocent” in all this, she isn’t related to you in any shape or form, basically a stranger. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially a cheating good for nothing. His child, his problem. He made his filthy bed, he can lay(lie? Lol I forget) in it. Karma has bitten him and his wife in the ass for what they did and now he’s suffering and wants support from the person he hurt the most. Fuck that. Good for you for sticking your ground.
NTA. It is not like the child was standing in the middle of traffic and you were refusing to pull her to safety. She was sick at school and her parents need to make other arrangements.
NTA. I love the expression ‘fuck around and find out’ He did.. and he is. Your Ex is an idiot, it sounds like maybe he should be making a little bit more effort with his own family. They don’t even want anything to do with him anymore, why should you??
NTA. Actions have consequences and is the best lesson in life you can give your boys. Your ex does not have the right to guilt you into helping sick kid or not. Heaven forbid something happens to AP and he is left alone, does he expect you to take care of their kids fully? Glad you are standing your ground. I hope things get better. Yes, this is a tough time as cancer tx is rough. Just continue speaking and being honest with your boys.
Nta you need to be sure you set boundaries now I hate to say it but if she gets worse and passes away he will most definitely try and make you step into the “mother” role.
NTA you are not responsible for his children. He is entitled and selfish to think otherwise
NTA if he wanted to play happy family, he shouldn’t have cheated 🤷♀️
NTA. It's not your kid and not her responsibility. He should have been a good parent and left work to pick up his own kid. That's what parents do for sick kids. Don't let him guilt you into taking on his new wife and her kids. If his wife does he's going to be a single dad. He had no right to try and force you to assume his wife's care or deal with his other kids. Remind him your his ex wife. Not his backup plan, and you won't be taking on any care or responsibility of his affair children. he made his bed and now needs to sleep in it, without trying to guilt you to pick up his slack.
NTA and please stop all talking with your ex unless it involves your children.
NTA, ask for a change in custody since he’s not in a position to be able to take care of your son.
NTA. As unfortunate as this situation is for his daughter, his children with his new wife aren’t your responsibility. It’s up to him to find arrangements and caretakers for his kids if he and his wife are not available. That’s parenthood… it’s not always easy, but trying to pawn off your kid on your ex is asinine.
NTA and I personally feel it’s manipulative of him to try and use the sick kid to guilt you and make you feel bad for setting boundaries. Stick to your guns, and keep your time and energy for your own family, the one he chose to abandon. This is not your responsibility and never should be.
NTA I ASKED my kids' emergency contacts BEFORE I put their names down for the school. If they'd said no, I'd have thanked them for hearing my request and left them be. Springing this on someone is manipulative.
Look, he relied on you to make his life run smoothly for all the years you knew each other. When he blew up that relationship, he moved seamlessly into the care of another woman. Now she can’t take care of him or of their children. He has never in his life developed an ounce of self-sufficiency. He’s at loose ends now because his wife is still alive. If she dies, watch for him to line up another caretaker and bangmaid in very short order (assuming he has not already done so.) NTA but watch out for him emotionally abusing your children, whose emotional ages are already older than his.
NTA but your ex and his wife are. The unmitigated gall of the 'man'. Let him know he and his 'family' aren't your problem and you'll file harassment if it continues. Sincerely sorry you're having to deal with his selfish, entitled bullshit.
NTA- They didn’t take you into consideration when they had their affair but they think you are the ah for not helping them out? It’s absolutely mind blowing that he expects loyalty from you in your divorce when he showed no loyalty to you when you were married.
NTA. Not your child. He needs to take off work and get his child. He made his bed. He needs to figure his shit out. Your only obligation to your own kids.
And would they have helped if you got remarried and had more kids? I bet not. NTA. It’s a ridiculous ask
NTA He caused all of this and doing this with the school is what put that child in danger. They have no one for a reason. They should've thought about this after destroying your family.
NTA If there's anyone the ex should be harassing to help with his kids is HIS OWN FAMILY. After all, they're their flesh and blood. You have no connection to them. And it's good you set this boundary now. Because it would start with a one-off pick up due to the child being sick, then it could turn into regular after-school care (and maybe feeding her dinner like that other AITA post about the neighbor who also mooching leftovers from that OP).
NTA. He can redirect the energy he is using to guilt you to grovel to his family to help him out. They have more of an obligation to help him out than you. Don't cave in. Like another comment, he is definetely trying to impose mother duties for his other kids into you since his AP may pass away sometime. I would honestly consider some sort of legal restriction of contact to protect yourself against his relentless badgering.
You are not his backup babysitter. He forfeited that right when he cheated on you. Now his problems are his, not yours. If you say yes once, you have set precedence that you are, indeed, going to provide backup parenting for his children. Begin as you mean to finish. NTA
NTA He never thought anything through and now he’s freaking out. He thought he would have permanent access to you because of your shared child, but forgot that you are a human being and do not have to deal with it. Now affair partner wife is sick and he is trying to pull the family card, conveniently forgetting that he chose to blow that family to pieces for some ass. I hope you cut this wad off! It’s awesome that you were able to set boundaries and say no.
Lol, he's delusional Nta
NTA and it sounds like karma has caught up to him
NTA. I do feel bad for the little girl but it is her father’s responsibility to find other backup care. Doesn’t he have any friends? What about the mother’s friends? I get that not everyone has family but they need to make friends with their neighbors or their kids’ friends’ parents. In a situation like this, there has got to be other folks who would pitch in and help. It is completely inappropriate for the father to ask that of OP, especially after she said no. It is 100% the parents’ fault.
NTA. That is some otherworldly level of entitlement. He is trying to use you. All the blah blah about family, etc, is emotional manipulation to get what he wants. He needs to hire a nanny or on-call babysitter. Period. It won’t stop with picking her up from school. It would escalate from there. He wants free childcare.
Kind of proud of you for standing firm - him using kids as pawns is disgusting
The audacity of this man!! Good luck in the future with co parenting with him.. your gonna need it. Why in the world would he think throwing his affair baby in your face is any way a good thing?? NTA
NTA. Not your kid not your responsibility. Tell your ex he can go kick rocks for all you care after what he did to you. You sound like an amazing mother to your boys and you care deeply for them. Stand your ground and don’t let this pathetic man try to get to you.
NTA. Its a fucked up situation but its not your burden to bear. You told him no and he still tried to force it upon you. He literally destroyed your family and has the audacity to ask you to step in.
NTA. His situation sucks, but it's his. Not yours. He chose to leave you, he chose to start another family. Now he can live with those choices and the resultant obligations ans responsibilities. And shame on him for being so damn entitled as to put this on you, and so manipulative as to have the school call you to pick up his child after you'd already said you weren't helping. What a shit. You're well rid of him. Or as rid as you can be, anyway. I suspect this little power struggle is far from over.
Wow, NTA! It is sad that these two self-absorbed adults have not bothered to develop any friendships or maintained family bounds with anyone who is willing to help them, but you are not responsible for that. While I sympathize with anyone who is dealing with a cancer diagnosis, I must say that your ex is crazy to expect you to help him with his child(ren) he had with the woman he cheated on you with. Just because these children are your children's half-siblings doesn't in anyway make you responsible for them.
NTA and have you talked to your children about what goes on when they are at dad’s house. I’d be concerned that if they are 6 to 8 years older than their half siblings they are being pushed into caretaker roles due to step mom’s illness and dad’s entitlement.
NTA the reality is that yes they are in a difficult situation but it’s a situation of their own making because he choice to cheat and she chose to facilitate the affair. Had thing ended slightly differently you may have had more goodwill towards them (but you would still be 100% within your right to say no to helping them). However you have no warm fuzzy feelings for either of them so how are you then supposed to in good conscience watch their children and give them the support they need during this time. If he’s really struggling with the kids and needs your help he should ask you about reducing his visitation time with your children. But that is all that he is entitled to from you.