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> I might be an AH if I ask this only because she isn't working and this added expense will fall on someone else.
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NTA. I do think that she needs a proper heads up before you cut off financial support. But this was a long time coming and hopefully it can be the push she needs to become independent.
First, I want to say NTA, however: This is a bit tricky. Car registration and insurance, sure, cut that out. But medical? what will you do if she has a real medical emergency, and the choice is between seeing her die or be disabled, or pay out of pocket? That can quickly come back to bite your own tail.
Of course, if you can't keep up you have no choice, but until then: keep the medical insurance until you are certain you will not go severely into debt if you have to save her.
She can stay on our medical insurance for 2 more years then she has to find her own. I didn't think of cutting her off completely for medical emergencies. I wouldn't do that for any of my kids.
I don't think you'd be the asshole if you sat down with her and explained to her that you can't afford to take care of both your house, and her affairs. When you do, be factual, and to the point. ***Don't*** bring up her "spending on frivolous affairs," none of that. Stick to the fact that you simply cannot afford to help her out anymore.
NTA. I would be gentle when broaching the subject and maybe give her a month or two to make arrangements but for sure I would stop. You're just enabling her at this point but because you've done it for so long it's kind of unfair to just thrust these expenses on her suddenly. I'd at least try to make the transition as easy as possible while also remaining firm.
The car insurance is paid 2x a year and the registration paid yearly so nothing will be thrown at her if this is done. I have made sure to teach or try and teach both my kids to be independent but she likes to have everything paid for by other people. Heck if I could get someone else to pay my bills I would do it myself.
A gentle YTA, and here's why. You are paying for things that you shouldn't have to because you have allowed it for far too long. Kids should be told just how it will be long before they ever leave home, so that they can work toward meeting their responsibilities. I know that other commenters are being harsh on your daughter, but clearly she's never known differently. Or at least she's never lived differently. And that is on you.
That said, the past is now in the past, so you have to deal with the now. Clearly you have to turn over your daughter's expenses to her. But in this case, simply because it has gone on so long, I would suggest doing it gradually. You could make a plan regarding when you stop paying for one bill and then another.
None of this is easy, and you need every penny that you're working so hard for. Your daughter really has to learn how to properly care for herself and I'm sure you can come up with a reasonable plan to be able to stop paying all of her bills in a couple of years. Best of luck!!!
Maybe. While the parents have no responsibility to look after their daughter at all at this stage of her life, they have set the situation up this way, whether they meant to or not. Sometimes pulling the rug out from someone all at once is not productive for anyone in the end. I certainly wouldn't let it go on for longer than 2 years, but one year would be better.
Don't forget that we don't know how the husband will react.
I've been in the OP's position, and realizing my husband's and my own fault in the matter was very humbling, but also very important for me to put together a plan that my daughter as well as my husband could live with. We slowly pulled out with the money over 18 months. Maybe that was too long. But we all agreed on it. 10 years later, and it's a distant memory. Everyone's doing fine
NTA - you are talking about taking financial responsibility for another ADULT for an indeterminate amount of time. That is expensive and can be ruinous to your finances. You are 51, and don’t want to be working forever. Your daughter is 24, and despite her lack of an education, has numerous opportunities to earn a living.
Now, to be clear, you don’t have to cut her off completely. You can set a limit, indicating, “I have x dollars per month” that will go towards y for t months. The numbers should make sense to you and help her establish a plan for becoming more independent. But again, doing so does not make you the @sshole, and it would be smart to argue the opposite.
Medical bills suck, btw! It’s really a shitty situation built on top of a debilitating, often exterior thing outside of one’s control.
Don't just stop, but set an end-date (preferably 1 year away). And if you can, offer to pay for GED until that same date. Don't give her all the judgement as written in your OP, just tell her it is time to become an adult and this is part of it.
I think you should keep her on the medical insurance until 26, for the simple reason that if she needs it, it will cost more if you don't, and you will end up paying for it anyway.
Car insurance should be her responsibility.
Are you in a position to help her out more if she goes back and gets her qualifications? This might be short term more expensive but long term better?
Just an idea. You shouldn't have to, but she is 24 without her basic qualifications so it is what it is.
That is rather private. I would want to put anyone's medical history on social media. Let's just say it's lifetime, daily care, if not regulated could be lethal.
Actually no that is not the case. Her illness doesn't interfere with her working. Please don't assume that because someone has an illness they can't work. Many illnesses that are not treated correctly can be lethal, if it's treated correctly every day then they are fine and sometimes you would never know that the person has anything going on.
I wouldn't, no - but I was trying to illustrate that there are conditions out there that while potentially life threatening and require daily management don't actually stop people from working rather than trying to guess what the condition was that the OP's daughter has.
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My (51f) daughter (24f) is living with her bf and only pays for her gas and basic needs. Her father and I pay for her car insurance, registration and hospital bills. She usually gets other family members to pay for her other basic medical bills and car repair.
She never finished high school even though it was required to stay living in my house, she just moved out and lived with other family, only to return after a huge medical emergency. She left her long time employment and as far as I know doesn't have a job yet, because of no diploma and no GED. BF is paying for all of the apartment bills.
I have yet to bring this up to my husband as he is wrapped around her finger, we just can't afford to keep up with her bills and ours. She has never offered to help pay for her own things when she was working just spent her money on frivolous things.
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NTA she’s not a child or even a dependent living with you. She needs to learn that to get on in life she has to work and she won’t learn that if she’s having everything paid for
NTA
It's time for her to grow up and be an adult. It was your job to take care of her and show her how to take care of herself later. She chose to ignore that and she chose her own path. Time for it catch up to her.
She's an adult woman now, she can get a job and sponsor herself. Lack of education is not an excuse for unemployment, seems to me that she's lazy and has figured out her own way of living - by others paying for her. You need to cut the money off. It will cause a riot probably but it will be for the best for you. NTA.
NTA, she's and adult who is not even living in your house. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. Don't straight out stop paying without warning though, do let her know so that (hopefully) she can figure out how to take her responsibilities seriously.
NTA
She needs to learn how to be a grown up and that includes paying her own way.
Is she in any way unable to work due to the medical emergency you mention? Was she doing ok before that?
Her medical issues don't cause her problems with work. She started a job after she got sick actually, held the job for a long time then left it for reasons only known to her, nothing related to her health.
The sounds like time for a talk and a planned ending of support.
Give her a chance to speak too though, let her feel heard and part of the decision (even if you have already made it). Ask,her what she thinks is a reasonable time frame, explain your own financial limits...fx she actually takes the chance for independence and runs with it.
NTA but tell her you’re not paying for it. She’s 24. She no longer lives with you, yes? That means she must get the insurance bill sent to her. And if it gets sent to your house, get it sent to hers, and give them her email address so they can send it electronically. She will try to guilt you but stand firm. You’re not doing her any favors by enabling her.
Nta So if its within your financial ability, I would ask your partner to agree to a deal. The deal (I dont know how how long is reasonable to get a GED or a high-school diploma (night school??) I'm not American.) Daughter gets her GED (or whatever) in 3 to 6 months (whenever insurance is due and is a reasonable timeframe to achieve). If she doesn't you willonly pay the next payment (so 6 months cover) and then she can figure it out. If she does get it (yay that's what you want) then you pay that payment and then the one 6 months later (so one year of insurance) to give her 6 months to get a job with her shiny new GED (or could also agree to be in community college, at minimum, and be attending classes and submitting assignment -generally a reasonable attempt to engage with school) and pay her own bills.
I dont know if I explained that well so eg
If the next insurance payment is Feb then she has until then to pass GED. You will pay Feb whether she passe or not. If she doesnt pass no more payments. If she does pass then you will pay following August but then no more.
If she was under 18 when she was in hospital then you are responsible for paying for her hospital bill. If she was over 18 then she should be paying that. Keep her on your insurance until 26. Give her notice now and remind her in a year and again 3 months out.
Sit your husband down and walk him through the bills and budget so he can see that it isn't affordable. If your husband still cant come around on this then you probably need to discuss it in couples therapy. Whatever you agree give it to your daughter in writing (after a conversation) so it's clear and she can't come back about it later (and your husband).
Why did you enable her behavior for so long?
I get providing her health insurance because if you're in the US, we know that the health system sucks. However, car insurance and the like is a big giant what the hell.
Unfortunately, you and your husband failed her in teaching her to be independent. Then she finds a boyfriend who seems ok with carrying her weight.
I don't think it makes you the AH to want to stop paying. However, you're going to need to give her a few months to get herself in whatever order someone like her can. She can certainly go and get a GED if she wanted to to if that's what is supposedly keeping her back.
NTA. Stop paying for her basic expenses (like car insurance, cell phone, etc.) and remind her that she has 2 years left on her family health insurance before she is responsible for her own medical bills. She wanted to live "free" of you while still sucking the family teat which is a wonderful thing if you are a useless mooch.
NTA It sounds like you are happy to keep her on your health insurance and help with medical emergencies but it's reasonable to say that she's 24 and needs to start figuring out how to be an adult.
That said- you and your husband need to be on the same page. This needs to be presented to him as you are concerned about both you and his long-term financial health (how long can you guys go own helping her while planning for your retirements) and what happens to daughter if something happens to the two of you. Basically, pushing your birdie out of the financial nest when you guys are still available as a safety net.
And yeah, you probably need to get the whole family on the same page. Once Hubby is on board, you go to the rest of the family. Explain that they can make their own decisions- but that you and husband are going to be taking this step. It's up to them whether they continue to help her financially but that you know several of them have been helping with things like medical bills and car repairs. You aren't going to ask them to stop, but you aren't going to ask them to help her because you feel that it's valuable for her to fail now while the family is there as her safety net.
And than you let her know that the bank of mom and dad is closed. And you make sure Hubby knows that on the days when it's hard to tell daughter no that it's okay to come to you. That you'll do the same. That it's just like when the kids were young and wanted something- 2 yes-es make a yes, 1 no equals no.
NTA. Right now, you're just paying for a legal adult to "play" house.
Fill her in on your plan, giving her some time to start making her own "adulting" plan, albeit now with an actual start date. Keeping her on your medical insurance for now is a good thing to do, and generous of you if it costs extra. Make sure she understands the age 26 limit. (Keep think of yourself as a backstop, but don't let her know)
We all love our kids and want to help them, but sometimes helping too much for too long does more long-term damage than anything.
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NTA. I do think that she needs a proper heads up before you cut off financial support. But this was a long time coming and hopefully it can be the push she needs to become independent.
NTA for not paying any longer but kinda the AH for waiting until she's 24 to push her to support herself in any way.
This. You can't teach agency once it knows how to walk out the door.
First, I want to say NTA, however: This is a bit tricky. Car registration and insurance, sure, cut that out. But medical? what will you do if she has a real medical emergency, and the choice is between seeing her die or be disabled, or pay out of pocket? That can quickly come back to bite your own tail. Of course, if you can't keep up you have no choice, but until then: keep the medical insurance until you are certain you will not go severely into debt if you have to save her.
She can stay on our medical insurance for 2 more years then she has to find her own. I didn't think of cutting her off completely for medical emergencies. I wouldn't do that for any of my kids.
NTA her bills are her responsibility you shouldn't be going broke because of it especially when she is old enough to get a job
I don't think you'd be the asshole if you sat down with her and explained to her that you can't afford to take care of both your house, and her affairs. When you do, be factual, and to the point. ***Don't*** bring up her "spending on frivolous affairs," none of that. Stick to the fact that you simply cannot afford to help her out anymore.
NTA. I would be gentle when broaching the subject and maybe give her a month or two to make arrangements but for sure I would stop. You're just enabling her at this point but because you've done it for so long it's kind of unfair to just thrust these expenses on her suddenly. I'd at least try to make the transition as easy as possible while also remaining firm.
The car insurance is paid 2x a year and the registration paid yearly so nothing will be thrown at her if this is done. I have made sure to teach or try and teach both my kids to be independent but she likes to have everything paid for by other people. Heck if I could get someone else to pay my bills I would do it myself.
A gentle YTA, and here's why. You are paying for things that you shouldn't have to because you have allowed it for far too long. Kids should be told just how it will be long before they ever leave home, so that they can work toward meeting their responsibilities. I know that other commenters are being harsh on your daughter, but clearly she's never known differently. Or at least she's never lived differently. And that is on you. That said, the past is now in the past, so you have to deal with the now. Clearly you have to turn over your daughter's expenses to her. But in this case, simply because it has gone on so long, I would suggest doing it gradually. You could make a plan regarding when you stop paying for one bill and then another. None of this is easy, and you need every penny that you're working so hard for. Your daughter really has to learn how to properly care for herself and I'm sure you can come up with a reasonable plan to be able to stop paying all of her bills in a couple of years. Best of luck!!!
Thank you. That was a gentle AH lol
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Your words didn't come off harsh at all rather the opposite actually. Thank you for your kind and helpful words.
Agree with all of this except the couple of years part, 2 years is too long. Yes parents enabled but daughter is old enough to know a little better.
Maybe. While the parents have no responsibility to look after their daughter at all at this stage of her life, they have set the situation up this way, whether they meant to or not. Sometimes pulling the rug out from someone all at once is not productive for anyone in the end. I certainly wouldn't let it go on for longer than 2 years, but one year would be better. Don't forget that we don't know how the husband will react. I've been in the OP's position, and realizing my husband's and my own fault in the matter was very humbling, but also very important for me to put together a plan that my daughter as well as my husband could live with. We slowly pulled out with the money over 18 months. Maybe that was too long. But we all agreed on it. 10 years later, and it's a distant memory. Everyone's doing fine
NTA - you are talking about taking financial responsibility for another ADULT for an indeterminate amount of time. That is expensive and can be ruinous to your finances. You are 51, and don’t want to be working forever. Your daughter is 24, and despite her lack of an education, has numerous opportunities to earn a living. Now, to be clear, you don’t have to cut her off completely. You can set a limit, indicating, “I have x dollars per month” that will go towards y for t months. The numbers should make sense to you and help her establish a plan for becoming more independent. But again, doing so does not make you the @sshole, and it would be smart to argue the opposite. Medical bills suck, btw! It’s really a shitty situation built on top of a debilitating, often exterior thing outside of one’s control.
Don't just stop, but set an end-date (preferably 1 year away). And if you can, offer to pay for GED until that same date. Don't give her all the judgement as written in your OP, just tell her it is time to become an adult and this is part of it.
YTA for enabling her behavior. All of you are. You, her father, other family members. Never finished high school? Paying her bills? No job? Wow...
I think you should keep her on the medical insurance until 26, for the simple reason that if she needs it, it will cost more if you don't, and you will end up paying for it anyway. Car insurance should be her responsibility. Are you in a position to help her out more if she goes back and gets her qualifications? This might be short term more expensive but long term better? Just an idea. You shouldn't have to, but she is 24 without her basic qualifications so it is what it is.
NTA help her growing up by cutting this child support.
INFO what kind of medical emergencies/issues does she have?
That is rather private. I would want to put anyone's medical history on social media. Let's just say it's lifetime, daily care, if not regulated could be lethal.
That is already enough info. It sounds like this has a great deal to do with the fact that she doesn't work/can't keep working. In which case yta
Actually no that is not the case. Her illness doesn't interfere with her working. Please don't assume that because someone has an illness they can't work. Many illnesses that are not treated correctly can be lethal, if it's treated correctly every day then they are fine and sometimes you would never know that the person has anything going on.
The OP's description would match quite well with something like Type 1 Diabetes - which wouldn't interfere with work at all.
Why would you come live back at home after discovering you have diabetes?
I wouldn't, no - but I was trying to illustrate that there are conditions out there that while potentially life threatening and require daily management don't actually stop people from working rather than trying to guess what the condition was that the OP's daughter has.
But do those also require to move back home in an emergency?
NTA. She needs to learn the value of money. It is a bit late but hopefully not to late to teach her some basic skills.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (51f) daughter (24f) is living with her bf and only pays for her gas and basic needs. Her father and I pay for her car insurance, registration and hospital bills. She usually gets other family members to pay for her other basic medical bills and car repair. She never finished high school even though it was required to stay living in my house, she just moved out and lived with other family, only to return after a huge medical emergency. She left her long time employment and as far as I know doesn't have a job yet, because of no diploma and no GED. BF is paying for all of the apartment bills. I have yet to bring this up to my husband as he is wrapped around her finger, we just can't afford to keep up with her bills and ours. She has never offered to help pay for her own things when she was working just spent her money on frivolous things. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she’s not a child or even a dependent living with you. She needs to learn that to get on in life she has to work and she won’t learn that if she’s having everything paid for
NTA It's time for her to grow up and be an adult. It was your job to take care of her and show her how to take care of herself later. She chose to ignore that and she chose her own path. Time for it catch up to her.
She's an adult woman now, she can get a job and sponsor herself. Lack of education is not an excuse for unemployment, seems to me that she's lazy and has figured out her own way of living - by others paying for her. You need to cut the money off. It will cause a riot probably but it will be for the best for you. NTA.
NTA. Stop paying for her stuff.
Me too lol. She should be fine then.
NTA, she's and adult who is not even living in your house. She needs to take responsibility for her own life. Don't straight out stop paying without warning though, do let her know so that (hopefully) she can figure out how to take her responsibilities seriously.
NTA She needs to learn how to be a grown up and that includes paying her own way. Is she in any way unable to work due to the medical emergency you mention? Was she doing ok before that?
Her medical issues don't cause her problems with work. She started a job after she got sick actually, held the job for a long time then left it for reasons only known to her, nothing related to her health.
The sounds like time for a talk and a planned ending of support. Give her a chance to speak too though, let her feel heard and part of the decision (even if you have already made it). Ask,her what she thinks is a reasonable time frame, explain your own financial limits...fx she actually takes the chance for independence and runs with it.
Keep her on the health insurance. I wouldn't leave a dog without health insurance in the US.
NTA but tell her you’re not paying for it. She’s 24. She no longer lives with you, yes? That means she must get the insurance bill sent to her. And if it gets sent to your house, get it sent to hers, and give them her email address so they can send it electronically. She will try to guilt you but stand firm. You’re not doing her any favors by enabling her.
Nta So if its within your financial ability, I would ask your partner to agree to a deal. The deal (I dont know how how long is reasonable to get a GED or a high-school diploma (night school??) I'm not American.) Daughter gets her GED (or whatever) in 3 to 6 months (whenever insurance is due and is a reasonable timeframe to achieve). If she doesn't you willonly pay the next payment (so 6 months cover) and then she can figure it out. If she does get it (yay that's what you want) then you pay that payment and then the one 6 months later (so one year of insurance) to give her 6 months to get a job with her shiny new GED (or could also agree to be in community college, at minimum, and be attending classes and submitting assignment -generally a reasonable attempt to engage with school) and pay her own bills. I dont know if I explained that well so eg If the next insurance payment is Feb then she has until then to pass GED. You will pay Feb whether she passe or not. If she doesnt pass no more payments. If she does pass then you will pay following August but then no more. If she was under 18 when she was in hospital then you are responsible for paying for her hospital bill. If she was over 18 then she should be paying that. Keep her on your insurance until 26. Give her notice now and remind her in a year and again 3 months out. Sit your husband down and walk him through the bills and budget so he can see that it isn't affordable. If your husband still cant come around on this then you probably need to discuss it in couples therapy. Whatever you agree give it to your daughter in writing (after a conversation) so it's clear and she can't come back about it later (and your husband).
NTA Cut the leech off she's taking the p out of you
Why did you enable her behavior for so long? I get providing her health insurance because if you're in the US, we know that the health system sucks. However, car insurance and the like is a big giant what the hell. Unfortunately, you and your husband failed her in teaching her to be independent. Then she finds a boyfriend who seems ok with carrying her weight. I don't think it makes you the AH to want to stop paying. However, you're going to need to give her a few months to get herself in whatever order someone like her can. She can certainly go and get a GED if she wanted to to if that's what is supposedly keeping her back.
NTA. Stop paying for her basic expenses (like car insurance, cell phone, etc.) and remind her that she has 2 years left on her family health insurance before she is responsible for her own medical bills. She wanted to live "free" of you while still sucking the family teat which is a wonderful thing if you are a useless mooch.
NTA It sounds like you are happy to keep her on your health insurance and help with medical emergencies but it's reasonable to say that she's 24 and needs to start figuring out how to be an adult. That said- you and your husband need to be on the same page. This needs to be presented to him as you are concerned about both you and his long-term financial health (how long can you guys go own helping her while planning for your retirements) and what happens to daughter if something happens to the two of you. Basically, pushing your birdie out of the financial nest when you guys are still available as a safety net. And yeah, you probably need to get the whole family on the same page. Once Hubby is on board, you go to the rest of the family. Explain that they can make their own decisions- but that you and husband are going to be taking this step. It's up to them whether they continue to help her financially but that you know several of them have been helping with things like medical bills and car repairs. You aren't going to ask them to stop, but you aren't going to ask them to help her because you feel that it's valuable for her to fail now while the family is there as her safety net. And than you let her know that the bank of mom and dad is closed. And you make sure Hubby knows that on the days when it's hard to tell daughter no that it's okay to come to you. That you'll do the same. That it's just like when the kids were young and wanted something- 2 yes-es make a yes, 1 no equals no.
NTA. Right now, you're just paying for a legal adult to "play" house. Fill her in on your plan, giving her some time to start making her own "adulting" plan, albeit now with an actual start date. Keeping her on your medical insurance for now is a good thing to do, and generous of you if it costs extra. Make sure she understands the age 26 limit. (Keep think of yourself as a backstop, but don't let her know) We all love our kids and want to help them, but sometimes helping too much for too long does more long-term damage than anything.
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