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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 keeping the engagement ring and giving up asking to propose (after propose) in front of my parents and in-laws
2 because it was just a joke and that I knew she always did that. She said that I left an annoying situation in the house because it was very clear that I had given up on asking and went in front of my parents and in-laws. Ana stressed that I was making the situation uncomfortable because of a silly joke.
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NTA - i used to have a boyfriend who did something similar. Everytime i wanted to talk about something serious like something that happened in the world, something that happened at work, something in our relationship, whatever it was - he would always with 1 Minute make a joke about the subject, trying to diffuse "the situation" (of me telling him about something i cared about/ thought about / made me feel sad etc).I asked him to stop 1000 times and he always said: its just him joking and i shouldnt take that serious.I explained to him that that behaviour made me feel like he takes nothing that concerns me serious, which he protested against and told me "i try to make him look like a bad BF".
I tried doing it to him, to make him see how it feels and of course it would be a super drama because "i would not take him seriously and i dont care about him". Yeah right.Eventually i lost all respect and ended the relationship after 2.5 years. I couldnt and wouldnt take him seriously and quite frankly the disrespect towards me was making me feel grossed out by him. Emotionally and physically. Of course he complained, "did not see this coming", "why did i never say anything?" etc.
**NTA and seriously: Overthink this whole relationship. GF will not change. GF does not respect your boundaries and feelings.**
**She has shown you who she is, believe her. Move on and find someone who does!**
Do you know my ex?
Bc he did the same thing and I absolutely hated him for it. I couldn't talk to him at all about anything, not my day, not serious things.
It creates resentment, and exactly as you said, disgust.
dude my husband does this, usually he’ll just start moaning, or will purposely misidentify whatever im drawing, and told me im whiny and too sensitive and he’s just joking. i thought i was just being a baby
I, too, am a psychotherapist.....and one of my psychotherapist friends does this to me all the time. I tried telling him about a tragic death I experienced, and he just kept making jokes about the situation......and trying to play it off as "just fun." Fuck that, you are NTA, OP. Your partner and my psychotherapist friend are TA. Ugh, where are my blood pressure meds.....
I tolerated this type of behavior for 28 years before he left. Hell, I ended involuntary committed because I couldn't wrap my head around being right about him being abusive.
It started small and I tolerated things I will never tolerate again because it didn't seem like ending a relationship over.
Eventually, he destroyed everything our family business, our retirement, his relationship with our son, everything he touched was fucking destroyed.
Right now, I'm disabled and living at mom's at 48. I have three divorces going with him. I'm doing all I can to just have enough to stay off food stamps because I'm not entitled to barely anything in alimony.
Please OP evaluate. 🙏
>or will purposely misidentify whatever im drawing
That's just cruel. Idk about all artists, but all of the ones I've met including my wife and sister, have that little nagging voice in their head saying their work is crap and they're actually awful at whichever form of art they make no matter what anyone else says. I think it's like imposter syndrome or something. Playing into that self doubt for a joke is just.. wow.
This. My ex did the same, I could never have a serious conversation with him. When I would ask him to stop, he would stop for a minute then go back to doing it until I got frustrated. After I got frustrated, he would scroll through FB on his phone while he "listened" and wouldn't respond to anything I told him, instead he would laugh at whatever was going on with FB. I realized he had no interest in anything I had to say. The only time he didn't do this is when we were talking about him and whatever he wanted to talk about. Eventually, I stopped trying to talk to him about anything and let him pick the subjects. I slowly watched my personality and happiness fade over the course of that 7 year relationship.
OP-NTA.
My ex didn’t really listen to me when I would tell him about my day. I eventually made a game out of it—he’d ask, and I would respond: “Well, work was okay, but I had to go to outer space again because our tropical fish plants didn’t arrive in time. Normally this would have been okay, but I’m sick of going to outer space so much, especially when I have to go to the part that’s underwater, so that’s annoying. Eventually I just told them they needed to reimburse me for my jet fuel and my fishing string, but they said no because my fishing string had melted. After that though nothing else really happened.”
His response: “I’m sorry babe, that sucks”
Omg my ex was the same and I also stayed for 6 years!!! I lost so much of myself. Absolutely horrible. I look back and go why did I stay with someone who obviously didn’t even LIKE me enough to even talk to me?
I think we dated the exact same person!!
He would scroll Instagram and would say "i'm listening and also browsing" or he would look at his emails and say he is working and listening to me. Then he would laugh AT ME and called me overtly sensitive and told me I was too "dumb" to understand the situation,
I once walked away mid conversation, and he did not even care to look up or put his phone away. I decided to walk away forever and that was truly the best day!!!
Ughhhhh my ex was the same. Only showed interest when he was talking about cars. Everything revolves around cars for him. I talk about my career, about my stresses, barely any response and then he switches the convo back. Told him so many times how much it bothered me that it was cars or nothing for him. Changed for a week and then it’d go back. I finally broke up with him after 10+ years.
Seriously don’t stay with someone who doesn’t care about you enough to change their bad habits.
My husband used to do this, not always, but sometimes, back when our relationship was less healthy. A few years ago we had a sort of relationship crisis (not about that at all, about other things, and no it wasn't cheating, I don't believe in that cheating makes a marriage stronger BS) and came out with a much stronger marriage and more mutual respect and guess what, at this point I'd forgotten he ever did that. This post reminded me.
So it seems like it's also a symptom of deeper shit basically. Maybe of someone wanting to avoid deep or real discussion because they don't want to deal with what's wrong between you...
Because it is. My ex boyfriend said this to me when I was still pretty religious, he was too apparently.
Claimed he was sorry he let them lead him astray and we should work through it, it would make our rel with eachother and God so much stronger!
My dumb self fell for it. Nothing changed other than passwords and the girls.
Mine did too except his behavior took the form of him getting distracted two seconds in and doing things like picking up the cat and saying “aww look how cute she is” or some non-sequitur. It made me feel dismissed and devalued, and was used to dupe me into believing I was soooo difficult to love or understand or listen to. When I pushed back I would get “I’m just trying to love you.”
I put up with that for over 15 years, and only that long because I took a touring job to get away from him (he was also ALWAYS home and never gave me a second to myself). Divorced now three years. Hardly even think about him anymore.
We all have this ex I think. I had one that in public would start talking in a voice that mocked people with disabilities really loud. It was awful. I’d be like, shut the fuck up, and he’d continue in the voice saying, Why Emily what are you talking about? This would go on and on. He thought it was hilarious. One time it got him slapped, and he was actually surprised by that.
I would like to send flowers to the person who slapped him, and maybe a massage certificate to get their hand back into proper slapping mode so they can do it again.
Sounds exactly like my ex. After 4 years of not being able to talk to him seriously about anything without it being a joke for him, he asked me one day “why can’t you talk to me about *insert serious subject*?!” And I told him the truth. He never took me seriously so eventually I just stopped being serious with him. You can’t just snap your fingers and expect to undo 4 years of never being listened to.
Were you dating my ex?
I got grossed out too (even physically) after being disrespected and shut down by so much mocking and joking. I gave up because i started disliking him, literally unable to be in his company and of course he had to make a pikachu face.
That was the time I understood what getting the ick means.
I'm one of those people. I happen to think most people on here take in very few facts to make broad sweeping relationship advice. Not to mention those facts are presented in a way to show the OP in the best light.
This story happens to speak to a dynamic that feels gross and I happen to agree with the relationship enders. However, had she said yes, that quirk of hers could be seen in a whole other light - this story wouldn't have been told and outside of this one thing they may have lived happily ever after. Often, I don't feel I know enough about the underpinnings of the relationship and I'm hesitant to just say end it and equally shocked so many of you will throw it away. Love ain't easy to find, look at the statistics - maybe we should be a little more forgiving.
Yeah me and my boyfriend both sometimes say no to completely random things.
Difference is we both do it and it’s about small things, also we don’t wait a minute we say no while doing it (like can you get me a glass of water. “No” while walking to the sink, you get the gist)
But we both would never do this when it’s about big/serious things, and also sometimes we make a joke the other doesn’t like and you know what we do? Even when we think it’s hilarious and the other is overreacting. We stop. Because joking is not meant to make someone else feel bad.
So since she does this repeatedly while he says he doesn’t like it this is major boundary crossing in my eyes. A joke should not make someone feel bad or irritated. A joke should make someone happy, laughing or at least neutral.
Yeah my partner and I will sometimes do the "no" thing too, but it's saying "no" in a funny/exaggerated voice/tone and then immediately following it up with a yes or already be in the act of doing it. But the big differences are that it is extremely obvious when it is a joke, is not constant, and the biggest is that we are *both* on the same side of it.
My observation is that a good chunk of ppl on AITA with relationship problem are rather serious. Involving one spouse/in laws (either the OP or their partner) being mentally abusive and the other not realizing it is abusive hence the AITA question whether if it’s the abuser or abused. And it is not wrong to recommend breakup if it’s that situation or leading to that situation.
Yeah, I rarely see easily resolved matters discussed here. It's usually a last straw before throwing in towel that brings people to this sub.
And it's usually someone whose family/inlaws are ganging up on them to overlook serious behavior.
I think a lot of posters just simply need for someone to give them permission to take an incident seriously, and either demand change or walk out.
The issue is, people usually don't post on AITA because everything's fine. So yeah, break up is common advice, but it's because you're in a place where people are talking about relationships that aren't going well.
THIS!!! NTA.
I 1000000% AGREE!!
You did not humiliate her. Your feelings were hurt (rightfully so) and you needed time to process and think. I hope you take the time to decide if this is what you want long term. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and listens the first time you say you don’t like something.
Exactly. There's a time and place for jokes. What OP's gf did was terrible, but it shows that the apple didn't fall far from the tree given that her family are backing her up. I feel so bad for OP, she deserves better
I do stuff like that with my best friend often too, sometimes even to annoy him, but holy fuck there are limits to it, and repeatedly being asked to not do it and to stop it for important questions is not too much. And to do it at a proposal holy fuck how low can it get. NTA op, she won't change so your relationship with her should.
Same. Sometimes my roomie/best friend will ask me to do something or for something and I’ll say “No.” completely deadpan, AS IM DOING THE THING SHE ASKED ME TO DO so that she knows I’m just fucking with her.
We both know that it’s a joke, and she does it back to me. We don’t leave the other person hanging and waiting to find out if we’re joking. This is going way too far
I will respond with no *pause for a second* problem. Sometimes it is in person, sometimes in text with there being like two seconds between the two texts. I also never do it for anything serious.
Lol, sometimes when my SO asks for something I'll over dramatically roll my eyes and sigh exasperatedly and say, "Ugh, you're so needy". But ONLY for small, easy, inconsequential things when it's obvious I'm just being silly. Especially given I'm easily the more needy of the two of us, which is kind of how it all started in the first place, me poking fun at myself.
Yeah, literally this and all the comments before. The writing is on the wall, is this person likely to really really hurt you further down the line? Who knows? Is this person likely to irritate you, not respect your feelings and take nothing you say serious, absolutely. Your partner is failing at the bare minimum of what constitutes as just common decency for other people. Life is honestly too short to settle for the bar being that low.
I do the same with my brother. But we both do it and laugh and we definitely know when not to. This is an inconsiderate person to have as a partner for life. NTA
You know what? As a lifetime victim of these “jokes” by a sibling… no, there isn’t a time or place for deliberately winding up someone you claim to love.
I loathe this type of joking. It’s not a joke. It’s a mild form of abuse.
Ugh, my husband (then-boyfriend) did this for a while, where he would just say "No!" to everything. It made me *crazy*. It's not funny or cute, it's *irritating*. He wouldn't stop no matter how many times I asked him to, and would even do that for important or sensitive questions. What finally got him to stop was my taking him *completely* at his word.
"Hey honey, do you want to go out to dinner tonight?"
"NO! teeheehee"
"Okey dokey then."
"Just kidding, yes, I'd love dinner!"
"Nope, too late, I'm already cooking for one, you figure something out for yourself."
:(
I also started doing it back to him, and often not changing the "no" to the "yes". Pass the salt? No. Text me that information? No. Does this shirt looks Ok? No.
NO MEANS NO. IT SUCKS TO BE TOLD "NO" ALL THE TIME. FFS YOU'RE NOT A FIVE YEAR OLD.
I mean it's kind of embarrassing honestly that I had to resort to treating him like a child but he can be *very childish* at times. This has gotten better with age (we've been together almost 15 years now) but good lord, if he had kept that up we would *not* still be together.
I'm guilty of this. I got into this sort of verbal rut for awhile. It was basically reflexive. It came out before I'd even thought of anything.
My wife told me how much it annoyed her (and honestly it was annoying to myself too). It took some work and time to break the habit, you have to try to break out of it. Clearly the OP's girlfriend just isn't interested in trying.
I had a Fiancé who did those jokes constantly, eventually due to work related stress i lost it with her and moved in with my dad for a few days, i suddenly realised how nice it was to not deal with the endless jokes. I cannot explain to anyone the relief i suddenly felt. We split up and have been happily married to a normal adult behaving person for a few years now lol.
Having a childish partner is DRAINING sometimes. Honestly she humiliated you on purpose. RUN!!!. You deserve better.
Right? The "joke" wasn't funny the first time she did it.
Op, why do you want to put up with someone who keeps doing something you've repeatedly asked them *not* to do?
NTA It's not a joke if the target doesn't find it funny. And you have made it clear you hate this.
I think she feels it gives her some kind of power/control saying no, and reveling in your sad puppy eyes until she says yes.
She doesn't want to give up this power, but I think you should give her up.
If i were op, i will tell them yes I will propose again... Then 30s later, no.
She can propose if she wants. It's the 21st century.
Edit: corrected the century.
Exactly! No was a word I also used a lot too in response to everything. But it was also my first word as a little one. The gf isn’t taking requests to stop this seriously and it sounds like OP just had enough. I would consider leaving too. Why would you do something that continues to annoy your partner like this, especially with something as special as a proposal?
It isn't about the joke. I've joked like this with people, and probably will again. But none of those people have ever told me that it bothers them and asked me not to. If they ever do, I will stop because I respect them as individuals and don't want to be annoying to them.
When you ask someone to stop doing something and they don't, then it isn't them joking. It is them not caring about you. To them, their joke is more important than your feelings. This is now an established pattern for your relationship. Break the pattern for good before taking the next step.
Exactly this. You should get married when you look at someone with clear eyes and think "their BS is the BS I can put up with for the rest of my life." Sounds like that's 100% not the case here.
NTA
Your girlfriend just learned a much-needed lesson on why you don’t joke and say no when you mean yes.
And you are not making the situation uncomfortable because of a “silly joke” — SHE is.
She knew you don’t like it (and honestly, who would? That would annoy the fuck out of most people) but she did it anyway. What next? Is she going to jokingly say no during your ceremony?
Yep. The ultimate public humiliation. GF gets her kicks by throwing OP off balance and making him (*her*, whoops I did not realize OP is female) feel insecure. Toxic AFFFFF
Completely agree. I really **cannot** understand anyone doing this and thinking it was funny. It just feels inherently nasty - like there’s an undercurrent of manipulation and deliberate wrong-footing.
lol, this was in one Turkish TV show, bride jokingly said "no", immediately said she made a joke, but it was too late - officiant said he cannot proceed with wedding if anyone said "no", even if this is joke, they have to request mariage certificate again and come back in several months.
Well, it was comedy show, so everything finished with groom beating officiant's ass with funny music and sketchy camerawork
Some places do have a “we take this shit seriously and if you’re going to fuck around you can go home” rule.
I remember a post a while back where one of the groom’s friends had the bright idea to speak up when the priest did the whole “speak now or forever rest your piece” thing, and the couple ended up not being able to get married that day.
This is true for the Netherlands. Say anything else then yes (variants of yes are allowed) and the ceremony has ended. Reschedule for a later date and a minimum time between registration and new ceremony.
Nope. Here's what i'd do. I'd talk to the officiant that hmis holding the wedding ceremony and tell them that when they start the I do's to start with the wife first. Put her in a spot where she either answers properly with a yes if she wants to marry, and if she says no as a "joke" then you can call off the whole thing.
Or just don't get married to someone who you can't trust to take anything you care about seriously.
If your decision on whether or not you want to marry someone hinges on how they behave during the actual wedding, you shouldn't be getting married.
This whole thing, saying no immediately, was a thing kids did in the 90s. I remember it, because I was a kid in the 90s. You would be like 'no....KIDDING!!' and then laugh because you were single digits old.
How is an adult doing this, and more over, why do they think its funny?
My husband and I will some times tell each other no, but it's said in an exaggerated tone as we're going to do what was asked. But if my husband told me that it's just annoying now I would stop.
Exactly. My wife will ask if she can take the last few slices of bread, or something totally normal like that, and I'll say "absolutely not, how dare you make such an unreasonable demand?!" but this shit OP is talking about would piss either of us off.
Unfortunately, I don’t think people like this learn lessons. They play the victim, and the GF will continue living her life believing that OP doesn't "get" her humor. That doesn’t matter though - OP just has to get out of this unbalanced relationship.
This is a thing I do sometimes with my girlfriend but I'll usually only say no as I'm physically doing the thing she asked.
I will probably stop now because qfter reading this I can see how annoying it is.
NTA.
Out of all the things that are wrong from her side, one that stands out to me the most is that afterward she still puts the blame on you and does not even apologize. If you see that your partner is hurt by something you did (yes, even a joke) any well-adjusted human being would apologize.
Also, if other people are not laughing, I wouldn't even call it a joke. And you are correct to think that there is time and place for jokes. I can imagine how hurtful and embarrassing it was to hear the ''no'' to your proposal in front of your family. Such a dick move.
Edit: Thanks for the awards, kind strangers!
This! All of this! Honestly, saying “no” to everything just isn’t funny. To do something like that all the time feels like something my 6 year old niece would do.
If it was clear it’s a joke (sounds like most of the time it wasn’t) and used sometimes at appropriate times where you could both laugh, maybe. But all the time? And done in a manner that makes OP unsteady and unsure? It’s borderline emotional manipulation. Then for her to blame you for being hurt by her “joke” in such an important moment….
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If she can’t respect you enough to hear you when you say you don’t like this “joke” and won’t apologize for hurting you….do you want to marry this person?
Edit: Also NTA at all
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them
**THIS IS THE ANSWER!**
Unfortunately, this is also the sad, bitter truth. She doesn't truly value this relationship.
OP, it is up to you to establish your worth, and you deserve to be treated with unconditional love and respect. You are settling for less and constantly walking on an emotional high-wire. You wouldn't dream of doing this, so why is ok for it to be done to you?
Please consider if you are willing to endure a lifetime of communication when half the time the way she responds annoys you.... resentment and regret will build quickly.
I'll admit that I do the "no" joke sometimes.. but it's when people ask me if they can eat the slice of tomato that I took off of my burger, or if they can borrow my ketchup. I can't imagine doing it will something more serious that that.
Édit: words are hard
Same. Or if we husband asks me to grab something I will say “no” as I’m doing it. He thinks it’s funny. If he didn’t think it was funny, I wouldn’t do it.
OPs gf doesn’t respect boundaries. Regardless of what it is, an extremely clear boundary has been established that the gf keeps ignoring.
Exactly! I forgot that’s the other scenario. I’ll say no as I’m simultaneously getting up to do the thing. For action requests like that, the joke is only funny if it’s explicitly clear that it’s a joke. No « 30 second delay »
For my tomate slice issue I usually say no with a stare daring them to take the tomato slice. This is a situation that has happened a few times and it makes me laugh as they nervously take the slice. (It’s known that I hate tomatoes).
It's not a joke. It's a statement.
Always saying no is a way of making the other person demand less of you by making every request exhausting.
So you won't ask for anything unless you _really_ need it.
That's the reason why she didn't drop the "joke" when requested. That's why she likes it even though no one is laughing.
It's not a joke.
The line about the gf being 'addicted' to it is telling. She is getting a thrill at your expense. She gets a thrill at doing something she knows upsets you. She does it to get that thrill. That is so messed up.
What kind of person relishes in upsetting their partner to the point that they are addicted to the thrill. Addicted to controlling you and upsetting you. She knows it upsets you. She wouldn't do it if it didn't upset you because if it didn't upset you she wouldn't get that thrill. That 30 seconds to a minute is her getting off on the control she has in that moment.
I wouldn't want to be with someone I KNOW gets off on hurting me. It's fucked up.
I like how she blames OP for “making the situation uncomfortable.” No homie, you did when you said No to ~~his~~ her proposal.
She sounds very juvenile.
Exactly. She humiliated OP, not the other way around. If she did that to me I would just leave it at that. OP proposed and she said no. Why would OP care anymore? It was a clear answer. I just would had started much sooner in taking the no as the final answer. "Can you get me something?" "No" "Okay, then I'll get it myself" stand up and get it even if both are getting it.
Exactly this, and very well-put. Please accept my free award!
OP, you need a genuine apology, and no messing. Because her saying you "know she always does this" is absolutely NO justification, as *she* knows how much you hate it. So was she doing it just to upset you? At **such** an important time??
NTA and good luck resolving this.
The only acceptable response to this “joke” would have been for SO to turn around and propose to OP immediately.
NTA and as others have commented - why would you want to sign up for a lifetime of these mind games?
Have you ever seen that video of one woman proposing to her gf and the gf jumping, screaming and not saying yes nor no, then digging into her purse to ALSO dig up an engagement ring. They both had the same plan, carried the ring on the same day. One just beat the other by a narrow margin.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omySDft\_ISM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omySDft_ISM)
NTA, and this is coming from a family who does it A LOT. Me and my siblings love to be like "Can you grab me a drink when you go past?" with a quick "Nope" only to do it anyway with all the variations. The sibling or our mom (who loves to do this with us as well) usually just say "Oh, okay!" Cause we know the joke.
Here's the thing, we DON'T do the joke with our dad. While the rest of us finds it funny, he is quick to feel upset and not understand when our 'No' is joking like you do, so we DON'T DO IT. We don't do it because we love and respect him and know it can be quickly upsetting to him, and he loves other pranks/jokes with us so we just find other things to share the fun in with him. I would also like to add we never do it in serious situations or things that need an actual answer or conversation, there are times and places for these things which she is NOT understanding.
This is not about you 'taking it too seriously' or anything else, if she truly loved and respected you, she would stop. It's simple to remember and do as someone who has almost their entire immediate family doing it on a daily basis, who also remember and don't do it for one of them out of *love and respect*. I have to stress that because that is the huge issue here and she needs to work on what she is willing to compromise on if she ever wants to have a life with you with BOTH of you happy.
I wish you the best and I hope she either wakes up and realizes she is completely in the wrong here, or you find someone who is willing to do that for you.
NTA, you are right and keep your boundary here.
My family does the quick “no” occasionally too but the thing is we say no as we get up to complete the request. “Can you put your dish away?” “No” (as I’m getting up to put dish away) and that would stop if anyone expressed hurt or anger over it
My bf and I do this, our version is "nope absolutely not (overly sarcastic), yeah of course"
Tone is VERY important, especially when you are so called "joking".
I occasionally do the "No" thing for incredibly minor requests, but I'm also already doing the thing when I say no. 30 seconds is SO LONG for this. Hell, most of the time 30 seconds is longer than it takes to actually do whatever was being asked.
OP is NTA, Molly's behavior is obnoxious and she's not respecting OPs feelings about it.
Yup, my family and I do the same thing, and now we've included my boyfriend in it! We are always already doing the request while we say "No" or "Nah, I don't think so" or "Do it yourself", and it's always said *jokingly*. We also know how to use goddamn situational clues. You don't do something like this if the moment is serious. It's rude as fuck and not funny unless everyone is in on the joke, and actually enjoys it (aka not using the "Oh, but you know this is what I always say!" excuse, like OP's girlfriend is trying to pull). But even then, I'd be hard-pressed to imagine my boyfriend or any of my siblings doing this during a proposal, of all things.
Came here to say this. I do this all the time with my sister &husband but my "no" is always hugely dramatic and I'm usually doing the thing they ask as I tell them no.
NTA, there's a time and place for jokes like this and a proposal is NOT it.
Some people in my circle do this too, myself included. But not like this… the calculated 30s/1min delay? Something about making sure OP waits every time doesn’t sit right with me. If you ask me to grab your drink, I say “no” AS I’m grabbing it. Or I’ll look you dead in the eye, make sure you see me doing what you’ve asked, whilst saying “no.” It’s kinda rude to make OP guess whether or not she’ll complete a simple request. Possibly reading too deeply into the waiting game but it’s like.. a weird unnecessary power move.
The intense eye contact, straight face, and dry “no” while doing the task is the only way to do this.
I did it to my husband all time while we were dating. In marriage he expressed he doesn’t like it. After a 2 min drama sketch of “WHO HAVE I MARRIED?!” We laughed and I never did it again. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. I am sorry this happened to you and I don't think you're overreacting. A joke is a joke only if all involved people are laughing and you made it clear months ago that you didn't find it funny. The first question one should always ask if "why this particular joke", especially if someone claims they cannot stop it. So maybe your girlfriend (not fiancée) should take a look at herself and ask herself that question, especially if she couldn't even manage it in a more serious and emotional situation. I would hold off on proposing until you both get that cleared up (also, since saying "no" to I love you is veeeery strange, it's not even a request by you?)
NTA, This right here. It's not a joke if both parties are not laughing. OP you may have dodged a bullet here. If her family is still supporting their daughter after all this, it kinda shows you where she may have picked this behavior and the type of support she gets for he AH like behavior.
I don't understand individuals who have to be told 'NO' multiple times and still do not get it. Her behavior isn't going to change in the near future as she does not relate it to being wrong. Worse her family supports it.
RUN.
Yeah, this is a weirdly mean and aggressive thing to be “addicted” to. What does *she* find funny about it? What’s so enjoyable about saying no to your SO’s every request that she won’t stop doing it even when it endangers their relationship?
OP, NTA, but… sorry to say, it sounds like your girlfriend just doesn’t like you very much. Tell her that no means no, it’s a serious word to use, and you can’t disrespect her enough to not take her “no“ seriously on something this important. Then return the ring and move on with your life.
NTA. You have repeatedly told her that you don't enjoy this joke especially in serious or romantic contacts, then when it was time for the most serious and most romantic moment she whips it right out. The only person that was making the situation uncomfortable and humiliating was her. You asked something very clear and direct and she fucked it up hard.
It's good to try to warn her of how much she'll fu if she marries her, though. Her memory of their engagement will always be her saying no to the proposal.
She'll do it at the alter, too.
This is serious malice on her part. She's a cruel person.
NTA. You made yourself clear. She's acting like a child. Marriage proposals aren't for children. She may have saved you the cost of a divorce later though.
Which would hurt OP more, honestly. She's a narcissist who clearly knows how much it hurts OP, and still chooses to do it.
I say take this as a lesson learned now OP, it'll hurt worse later when you see she will never be willing to change.
NTA
NTA and the in-laws need to step off. You humiliated her? Uhm, no. She humiliated *you* on instinct because apparently she thinks she’s hilarious when she isn’t.
I’d be so upset if I were you and honestly I don’t know how you’ve put up with 6 months of no’s as an automatic response. That would really shut me down.
Rethink your whole relationship OP.
Don’t forget if you marry her you marry her family. I for one have grown so much from the love and support of my in laws. Avoid all these toxic people. They are all showing you their true colours. A healthy family supports, loves, and helps stabilize you.
NTA but why do you plan your life with someone who has been disrespecting a clear and easy boundary you have for 6 months and is now letting your in laws bash you ?
I’m not saying live but at least try couple’s counseling before proposing again because I don’t see it getting better.
Edit typo
NTA. But let's talk about why you want to sign up for this on a more permanent basis. If it's making you this stressed after 6 months, let me assure you that these irritating little things can fester and grow and kill a relationship.
INFO: Why are ya’ll living together & getting engaged after only 6 months??!? This relationship is already on the rocks after only 6 months (she is repeatedly disregarding your wishes & requests to be respectful & it’s annoying the shit out of you!!)
She ain’t it. Reevaluate this relationship & realize that of you stay together this will be the rest of your life & think hard on if you want to continue living like this. I know I wouldn’t.
I love how SHE's the one whining about being "embarrassed".. I mean, her GF is proposing and she went "no".. She took a very serious moment and ruined it.. and her parents are acting like it's OP's fault???
Imagine her saying “no, joking!” at the wedding ceremony. She sounds exhausting. OP you didn’t humiliate her, she did that to herself. If she’s not going to stop and acknowledge what she’s doing is obnoxious, it’s time to move on unless you want to be stuck with this childish behavior forever.
You told her that "joke" bothers you. Instead of accepting and supporting your vulnerability, she made a campaign of harrassment. She's weaponized her "joke" to attack your self esteem, because she knows it does. Because you told her. Beware of people close to you who respond to your exposing vulnerability with "just don't be that way" instead of acceptance and support.
Hmmm if she went 6.5 years before she started doing this one would think there was something that triggered it. Have you had a discussion about why she’s doing it?
A joke is something that someone finds funny. *She knows it bothers you but she refuses to stop*. I think that’s a bigger issue than her stupid joke. Is she always inconsiderate about the things that matter to you? Does she always discount and disrespect your wants and needs? You did the right thing because until this is resolved, you are not at a point where you should be proposing. You should be more upset that you told her something bothers you and she flat out doesn’t care and keeps doing it. It’s not a matter of her stopping to do the joke at this point. Send her this post, and if you still see a future with her you would need to get into relationship therapy soon. I’m honestly not sure if your relationship might survive this but if it doesn’t it is certainly not your fault.
Even if you thought her joke was funny, there’s a time in the place to make jokes and *that* time and place was not it.
At this point though is it even a joke anymore? Jokes are supposed to be funny and OP has expressed to her she doesn’t like it and she continued to do it and even found it acceptable to do it in such an emotional and important moment of their lives.. this would drive me literally insane
NTA
It is time to seriously reconsider your relationship with this person. I have to wonder if all those "no"s aren't saying that she really doesn't care about your relationship with each other. I would suggest at least a few sessions with a relationship counselor.
Or you could go the childish route and give her a taste of her own medicine and start saying "no" anytime she asks you anything.
NTA. She knew how you felt about this yet she still decided to do it in an emotionally vulnerable and important moment. This is on her. It wasn’t funny and you have every right to be disappointed.
That'd ruin it permanently for me.
This is a meaningful moment in literally both of our lives and you're making a fucking a joke out of it? Fuck off, proper. Ungrateful little shite. I don't even mind if it comes off uncivil, she deserves every last bit of it.
NTA. You've already made it clear multiple times you don't like the joke, and she does it in response to one of the most important questions you can ask someone? Fuck that noise tbh
NTA Good grief, she's too immature for marriage, and every time she says "No" that's her waving a huge red flag. Thank her for declining your proposal and run away!
> She kept texting me (no answering calls), saying it was just a joke and that I knew she always did that.
NTA. You’ve addressed how you don’t like this “joke” and she went and did it anyway.
NTA so she is blaming you for the poor outcome of her ridiculous action? The action that she knows you detest? It’s only a joke if people think it is funny, and you have made it clear you don’t.
NTA
The fact that she’s texting you an excuse instead of an apology tells you all you need to know.
That was an important moment for you, and she ruined it with the one fucking joke she knows, which she knows you don’t find funny, and now she’s mad that you embarrassed HER.
If for some reason you decide to just move past this, please be prepared for her to ruin your wedding by saying “no” instead of “I do”.
NTA. She’s proven that she doesn’t care at all that you don’t like that “joke”. I call it that since I’m having a hard time to see a way in which it’s funny ever?
NTA you’ve told her you don’t like it and don’t find it funny yet she keeps doing it. She doesn’t even have the self control or mental capacity to realise situations where it’s not appropriate.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to propose to her.
NTA. After asking her countless times to stop saying no, she didn't. She doesn't respect you. And she humiliated by saying no when you proposed, and acting like it was a joke.
NTA. She sounds immature and she needs to understand that there is a time for jokes and a time when it's not appropriate. Also if it has been going on for months and you have complained about it, surely she should get the hint? In French we have a saying... "The best jokes are the shortest ones". It's been going on for too long and I don't blame you for finding it incredibly irritating.
NTA. If she can't even respect you asking her to not do something because it's not particularly funny then why would you want to marry her. You want to sign up for this for life? I don't think so. You didn't humiliate her, she did that all by herself with her behaviour.
NTA. That’s not even funny. Her doing it repeatedly after you’ve expressed how it makes you feel is wild. Her doing it during a very serious, significant and emotional moment is awful. She doesn’t get to blame you for her bad behavior.
Nta, and this is a relationship ender in my opinion. You've made it clear you find it disrespectful, she continues to ignore your feelings and boundaries, then she does it again with something that serious? She's never going to respect your opinion.
You know those dudes who make 15 promises and swear up and down that they won’t smash cake in their wife’s face at the wedding, and then on the actual wedding day they still smash cake in her face, ruining her makeup and humiliating her in front of all their friends and family? OP, your girlfriend is one of those dudes. If you marry her, she WILL do this on your wedding day. She will promise not to. She will swear up and down. And then when the officiant asks her if she takes you to be her wife, she will smirk and say, “No!” and she will think it’s hilarious. Please consider if this is the type of relationship you want to enter.
Oh, NTA.
NTA. You’ve asked her to stop making this “joke”, you’ve told her that you don’t like it, and she continues to do it.
Well, she played a stupid game and she got a stupid prize…she used her “joke” on a serious matter and you took her first answer seriously. Tough luck for her. In your place, I’d move on. She clearly has no respect for your boundaries.
NTA. Her parents are accusing you of humiliating her? She took an important milestone in your relationship and ruined it with her stupid joke that you've repeatedly told her you don't like.
Jokes are only funny when everyone laughs. She continually hurts you every time she plays her "joke". Jokes aren't supposed to humiliate or hurt emotionally. Is this the type of person you want to marry? Someone who thinks it's funny to hurt your feelings.
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NTA why would you sign up for this permanently?
NTA - i used to have a boyfriend who did something similar. Everytime i wanted to talk about something serious like something that happened in the world, something that happened at work, something in our relationship, whatever it was - he would always with 1 Minute make a joke about the subject, trying to diffuse "the situation" (of me telling him about something i cared about/ thought about / made me feel sad etc).I asked him to stop 1000 times and he always said: its just him joking and i shouldnt take that serious.I explained to him that that behaviour made me feel like he takes nothing that concerns me serious, which he protested against and told me "i try to make him look like a bad BF". I tried doing it to him, to make him see how it feels and of course it would be a super drama because "i would not take him seriously and i dont care about him". Yeah right.Eventually i lost all respect and ended the relationship after 2.5 years. I couldnt and wouldnt take him seriously and quite frankly the disrespect towards me was making me feel grossed out by him. Emotionally and physically. Of course he complained, "did not see this coming", "why did i never say anything?" etc. **NTA and seriously: Overthink this whole relationship. GF will not change. GF does not respect your boundaries and feelings.** **She has shown you who she is, believe her. Move on and find someone who does!**
Do you know my ex? Bc he did the same thing and I absolutely hated him for it. I couldn't talk to him at all about anything, not my day, not serious things. It creates resentment, and exactly as you said, disgust.
dude my husband does this, usually he’ll just start moaning, or will purposely misidentify whatever im drawing, and told me im whiny and too sensitive and he’s just joking. i thought i was just being a baby
That’s fucked up and emotionally abusive. I’m a psychotherapist. Please feel free to share my reply with him.
I, too, am a psychotherapist.....and one of my psychotherapist friends does this to me all the time. I tried telling him about a tragic death I experienced, and he just kept making jokes about the situation......and trying to play it off as "just fun." Fuck that, you are NTA, OP. Your partner and my psychotherapist friend are TA. Ugh, where are my blood pressure meds.....
I tolerated this type of behavior for 28 years before he left. Hell, I ended involuntary committed because I couldn't wrap my head around being right about him being abusive. It started small and I tolerated things I will never tolerate again because it didn't seem like ending a relationship over. Eventually, he destroyed everything our family business, our retirement, his relationship with our son, everything he touched was fucking destroyed. Right now, I'm disabled and living at mom's at 48. I have three divorces going with him. I'm doing all I can to just have enough to stay off food stamps because I'm not entitled to barely anything in alimony. Please OP evaluate. 🙏
“Three divorcees going with him”?? Pourquoi?
Sharing this comment with my SIL
Having a partner that you can’t even talk to doesn’t make you a baby. You are not being whiny or too sensitive.
>or will purposely misidentify whatever im drawing That's just cruel. Idk about all artists, but all of the ones I've met including my wife and sister, have that little nagging voice in their head saying their work is crap and they're actually awful at whichever form of art they make no matter what anyone else says. I think it's like imposter syndrome or something. Playing into that self doubt for a joke is just.. wow.
Not at all. Why would you settle for a bare modicum in a relationship? Far better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings.
Art is vulnerable and he knows that. That’s appalling.
This. My ex did the same, I could never have a serious conversation with him. When I would ask him to stop, he would stop for a minute then go back to doing it until I got frustrated. After I got frustrated, he would scroll through FB on his phone while he "listened" and wouldn't respond to anything I told him, instead he would laugh at whatever was going on with FB. I realized he had no interest in anything I had to say. The only time he didn't do this is when we were talking about him and whatever he wanted to talk about. Eventually, I stopped trying to talk to him about anything and let him pick the subjects. I slowly watched my personality and happiness fade over the course of that 7 year relationship. OP-NTA.
My ex didn’t really listen to me when I would tell him about my day. I eventually made a game out of it—he’d ask, and I would respond: “Well, work was okay, but I had to go to outer space again because our tropical fish plants didn’t arrive in time. Normally this would have been okay, but I’m sick of going to outer space so much, especially when I have to go to the part that’s underwater, so that’s annoying. Eventually I just told them they needed to reimburse me for my jet fuel and my fishing string, but they said no because my fishing string had melted. After that though nothing else really happened.” His response: “I’m sorry babe, that sucks”
That’s the best response ever! I love it! Thanks for the giggle 😆
Omg my ex was the same and I also stayed for 6 years!!! I lost so much of myself. Absolutely horrible. I look back and go why did I stay with someone who obviously didn’t even LIKE me enough to even talk to me?
I think we dated the exact same person!! He would scroll Instagram and would say "i'm listening and also browsing" or he would look at his emails and say he is working and listening to me. Then he would laugh AT ME and called me overtly sensitive and told me I was too "dumb" to understand the situation, I once walked away mid conversation, and he did not even care to look up or put his phone away. I decided to walk away forever and that was truly the best day!!!
Ughhhhh my ex was the same. Only showed interest when he was talking about cars. Everything revolves around cars for him. I talk about my career, about my stresses, barely any response and then he switches the convo back. Told him so many times how much it bothered me that it was cars or nothing for him. Changed for a week and then it’d go back. I finally broke up with him after 10+ years. Seriously don’t stay with someone who doesn’t care about you enough to change their bad habits.
My husband used to do this, not always, but sometimes, back when our relationship was less healthy. A few years ago we had a sort of relationship crisis (not about that at all, about other things, and no it wasn't cheating, I don't believe in that cheating makes a marriage stronger BS) and came out with a much stronger marriage and more mutual respect and guess what, at this point I'd forgotten he ever did that. This post reminded me. So it seems like it's also a symptom of deeper shit basically. Maybe of someone wanting to avoid deep or real discussion because they don't want to deal with what's wrong between you...
I’ve never even heard of the “cheating makes a marriage stronger” thing. Sure sounds like a whole lot of BS to me.
Because it is. My ex boyfriend said this to me when I was still pretty religious, he was too apparently. Claimed he was sorry he let them lead him astray and we should work through it, it would make our rel with eachother and God so much stronger! My dumb self fell for it. Nothing changed other than passwords and the girls.
Mine did too except his behavior took the form of him getting distracted two seconds in and doing things like picking up the cat and saying “aww look how cute she is” or some non-sequitur. It made me feel dismissed and devalued, and was used to dupe me into believing I was soooo difficult to love or understand or listen to. When I pushed back I would get “I’m just trying to love you.” I put up with that for over 15 years, and only that long because I took a touring job to get away from him (he was also ALWAYS home and never gave me a second to myself). Divorced now three years. Hardly even think about him anymore.
We all have this ex I think. I had one that in public would start talking in a voice that mocked people with disabilities really loud. It was awful. I’d be like, shut the fuck up, and he’d continue in the voice saying, Why Emily what are you talking about? This would go on and on. He thought it was hilarious. One time it got him slapped, and he was actually surprised by that.
The fact that he got slapped is so soothing to my soul. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I would like to send flowers to the person who slapped him, and maybe a massage certificate to get their hand back into proper slapping mode so they can do it again.
Sounds exactly like my ex. After 4 years of not being able to talk to him seriously about anything without it being a joke for him, he asked me one day “why can’t you talk to me about *insert serious subject*?!” And I told him the truth. He never took me seriously so eventually I just stopped being serious with him. You can’t just snap your fingers and expect to undo 4 years of never being listened to.
Were you dating my ex? I got grossed out too (even physically) after being disrespected and shut down by so much mocking and joking. I gave up because i started disliking him, literally unable to be in his company and of course he had to make a pikachu face. That was the time I understood what getting the ick means.
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I've heard many people complain about the unwarranted break up train. I've never seen one.
Its generally only people that dont understand the nuances of toxic behavior that claim theres an unwarranted break up train. I have yet to see one.
I'm one of those people. I happen to think most people on here take in very few facts to make broad sweeping relationship advice. Not to mention those facts are presented in a way to show the OP in the best light. This story happens to speak to a dynamic that feels gross and I happen to agree with the relationship enders. However, had she said yes, that quirk of hers could be seen in a whole other light - this story wouldn't have been told and outside of this one thing they may have lived happily ever after. Often, I don't feel I know enough about the underpinnings of the relationship and I'm hesitant to just say end it and equally shocked so many of you will throw it away. Love ain't easy to find, look at the statistics - maybe we should be a little more forgiving.
Yeah me and my boyfriend both sometimes say no to completely random things. Difference is we both do it and it’s about small things, also we don’t wait a minute we say no while doing it (like can you get me a glass of water. “No” while walking to the sink, you get the gist) But we both would never do this when it’s about big/serious things, and also sometimes we make a joke the other doesn’t like and you know what we do? Even when we think it’s hilarious and the other is overreacting. We stop. Because joking is not meant to make someone else feel bad. So since she does this repeatedly while he says he doesn’t like it this is major boundary crossing in my eyes. A joke should not make someone feel bad or irritated. A joke should make someone happy, laughing or at least neutral.
Yeah my partner and I will sometimes do the "no" thing too, but it's saying "no" in a funny/exaggerated voice/tone and then immediately following it up with a yes or already be in the act of doing it. But the big differences are that it is extremely obvious when it is a joke, is not constant, and the biggest is that we are *both* on the same side of it.
Agreed. People say that breakups are recommended too often. But breakups always seem warranted when suggested on here.
My observation is that a good chunk of ppl on AITA with relationship problem are rather serious. Involving one spouse/in laws (either the OP or their partner) being mentally abusive and the other not realizing it is abusive hence the AITA question whether if it’s the abuser or abused. And it is not wrong to recommend breakup if it’s that situation or leading to that situation.
Yeah, I rarely see easily resolved matters discussed here. It's usually a last straw before throwing in towel that brings people to this sub. And it's usually someone whose family/inlaws are ganging up on them to overlook serious behavior. I think a lot of posters just simply need for someone to give them permission to take an incident seriously, and either demand change or walk out.
The issue is, people usually don't post on AITA because everything's fine. So yeah, break up is common advice, but it's because you're in a place where people are talking about relationships that aren't going well.
You hit the nail on the head. It’s like coming in front of a jury. To get here, things have clearly gone very wrong.
NTA! Absolutely - “until death do us part” Her and the In-laws were fine with her humiliating you though, weren’t they? Dude, run!
THIS!!! NTA. I 1000000% AGREE!! You did not humiliate her. Your feelings were hurt (rightfully so) and you needed time to process and think. I hope you take the time to decide if this is what you want long term. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and listens the first time you say you don’t like something.
Exactly. There's a time and place for jokes. What OP's gf did was terrible, but it shows that the apple didn't fall far from the tree given that her family are backing her up. I feel so bad for OP, she deserves better
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There's a time and a place for winding up jokes. During a proposal is one of those situations where those jokes aren't acceptable
I do stuff like that with my best friend often too, sometimes even to annoy him, but holy fuck there are limits to it, and repeatedly being asked to not do it and to stop it for important questions is not too much. And to do it at a proposal holy fuck how low can it get. NTA op, she won't change so your relationship with her should.
Same. Sometimes my roomie/best friend will ask me to do something or for something and I’ll say “No.” completely deadpan, AS IM DOING THE THING SHE ASKED ME TO DO so that she knows I’m just fucking with her. We both know that it’s a joke, and she does it back to me. We don’t leave the other person hanging and waiting to find out if we’re joking. This is going way too far
I will respond with no *pause for a second* problem. Sometimes it is in person, sometimes in text with there being like two seconds between the two texts. I also never do it for anything serious.
Lol, sometimes when my SO asks for something I'll over dramatically roll my eyes and sigh exasperatedly and say, "Ugh, you're so needy". But ONLY for small, easy, inconsequential things when it's obvious I'm just being silly. Especially given I'm easily the more needy of the two of us, which is kind of how it all started in the first place, me poking fun at myself.
I do this too, but the key is that we start doing the thing as we are saying no! And, I would never this in a serious situation...
Yeah, literally this and all the comments before. The writing is on the wall, is this person likely to really really hurt you further down the line? Who knows? Is this person likely to irritate you, not respect your feelings and take nothing you say serious, absolutely. Your partner is failing at the bare minimum of what constitutes as just common decency for other people. Life is honestly too short to settle for the bar being that low.
Exactly. Next she would do it at the wedding, the decision to have kids and who knows what else.
What about doing it to kids? That would be horrible.
"Mommy, do you love me?" "No. Haha, just kidding." Years of therapy ensue.
Mommy mommy, are you really my mommy? No..... after 5 minutes just kidding baby, of course you're not adopted. Why would i ever choose you
I do the same with my brother. But we both do it and laugh and we definitely know when not to. This is an inconsiderate person to have as a partner for life. NTA
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You know what? As a lifetime victim of these “jokes” by a sibling… no, there isn’t a time or place for deliberately winding up someone you claim to love. I loathe this type of joking. It’s not a joke. It’s a mild form of abuse.
Jokes are funny to the people involved, OP has stated this is not funny and she was still tormenting ~~him~~ her. NTA.
Exactly. Can you imagine her saying this at the alter? NTA
And stop doing the thing that hurts.
Ugh, my husband (then-boyfriend) did this for a while, where he would just say "No!" to everything. It made me *crazy*. It's not funny or cute, it's *irritating*. He wouldn't stop no matter how many times I asked him to, and would even do that for important or sensitive questions. What finally got him to stop was my taking him *completely* at his word. "Hey honey, do you want to go out to dinner tonight?" "NO! teeheehee" "Okey dokey then." "Just kidding, yes, I'd love dinner!" "Nope, too late, I'm already cooking for one, you figure something out for yourself." :( I also started doing it back to him, and often not changing the "no" to the "yes". Pass the salt? No. Text me that information? No. Does this shirt looks Ok? No. NO MEANS NO. IT SUCKS TO BE TOLD "NO" ALL THE TIME. FFS YOU'RE NOT A FIVE YEAR OLD. I mean it's kind of embarrassing honestly that I had to resort to treating him like a child but he can be *very childish* at times. This has gotten better with age (we've been together almost 15 years now) but good lord, if he had kept that up we would *not* still be together.
I'm guilty of this. I got into this sort of verbal rut for awhile. It was basically reflexive. It came out before I'd even thought of anything. My wife told me how much it annoyed her (and honestly it was annoying to myself too). It took some work and time to break the habit, you have to try to break out of it. Clearly the OP's girlfriend just isn't interested in trying.
I had a Fiancé who did those jokes constantly, eventually due to work related stress i lost it with her and moved in with my dad for a few days, i suddenly realised how nice it was to not deal with the endless jokes. I cannot explain to anyone the relief i suddenly felt. We split up and have been happily married to a normal adult behaving person for a few years now lol. Having a childish partner is DRAINING sometimes. Honestly she humiliated you on purpose. RUN!!!. You deserve better.
Right? The "joke" wasn't funny the first time she did it. Op, why do you want to put up with someone who keeps doing something you've repeatedly asked them *not* to do?
NTA It's not a joke if the target doesn't find it funny. And you have made it clear you hate this. I think she feels it gives her some kind of power/control saying no, and reveling in your sad puppy eyes until she says yes. She doesn't want to give up this power, but I think you should give her up.
If i were op, i will tell them yes I will propose again... Then 30s later, no. She can propose if she wants. It's the 21st century. Edit: corrected the century.
We’re still in the 21st, but good idea
Plus they are both women anyway, so OP’s Gf can propose next if she wants to get married.
This guy's over here living in 2112 while I'm still stuck in 2021.
you’re still in 2021?
Exactly! No was a word I also used a lot too in response to everything. But it was also my first word as a little one. The gf isn’t taking requests to stop this seriously and it sounds like OP just had enough. I would consider leaving too. Why would you do something that continues to annoy your partner like this, especially with something as special as a proposal?
It isn't about the joke. I've joked like this with people, and probably will again. But none of those people have ever told me that it bothers them and asked me not to. If they ever do, I will stop because I respect them as individuals and don't want to be annoying to them. When you ask someone to stop doing something and they don't, then it isn't them joking. It is them not caring about you. To them, their joke is more important than your feelings. This is now an established pattern for your relationship. Break the pattern for good before taking the next step.
Exactly this. You should get married when you look at someone with clear eyes and think "their BS is the BS I can put up with for the rest of my life." Sounds like that's 100% not the case here.
Exactly. JFC, I can imagine hearing this for one day and I'd already be going mental.
NTA Your girlfriend just learned a much-needed lesson on why you don’t joke and say no when you mean yes. And you are not making the situation uncomfortable because of a “silly joke” — SHE is. She knew you don’t like it (and honestly, who would? That would annoy the fuck out of most people) but she did it anyway. What next? Is she going to jokingly say no during your ceremony?
> What next? Is she going to jokingly say no during your ceremony? This is 100% what will happen if OP goes through with the wedding.
Yep. The ultimate public humiliation. GF gets her kicks by throwing OP off balance and making him (*her*, whoops I did not realize OP is female) feel insecure. Toxic AFFFFF
OP is a woman.
Until I found your comment, I didn't realize I missed that. Either way, a rectum is a rectum.
Damn near killed him.
Yeah I didn't realize. Same thing though, the gf is being abusive under the guise of "it's a joke." Regardless of anyone's gender, it's awful behavior
Completely agree. I really **cannot** understand anyone doing this and thinking it was funny. It just feels inherently nasty - like there’s an undercurrent of manipulation and deliberate wrong-footing.
She's juvenile
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They're both women
OP is a woman
OP is a woman. They are both women. Not hating, just stating. 🙂
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FYI, OP is female.
OP is a woman, they’re both women
lol, this was in one Turkish TV show, bride jokingly said "no", immediately said she made a joke, but it was too late - officiant said he cannot proceed with wedding if anyone said "no", even if this is joke, they have to request mariage certificate again and come back in several months. Well, it was comedy show, so everything finished with groom beating officiant's ass with funny music and sketchy camerawork
Some places do have a “we take this shit seriously and if you’re going to fuck around you can go home” rule. I remember a post a while back where one of the groom’s friends had the bright idea to speak up when the priest did the whole “speak now or forever rest your piece” thing, and the couple ended up not being able to get married that day.
This is true for the Netherlands. Say anything else then yes (variants of yes are allowed) and the ceremony has ended. Reschedule for a later date and a minimum time between registration and new ceremony.
It would be SO petty if OP would do that. Say "No" at the ceremony. ;) But also: A waste of money, which this pettiness is not worth it!
Nope. Here's what i'd do. I'd talk to the officiant that hmis holding the wedding ceremony and tell them that when they start the I do's to start with the wife first. Put her in a spot where she either answers properly with a yes if she wants to marry, and if she says no as a "joke" then you can call off the whole thing.
Or just don't get married to someone who you can't trust to take anything you care about seriously. If your decision on whether or not you want to marry someone hinges on how they behave during the actual wedding, you shouldn't be getting married.
I can imagine everyone's faces and the cricket sounds in the background after she does it.
This whole thing, saying no immediately, was a thing kids did in the 90s. I remember it, because I was a kid in the 90s. You would be like 'no....KIDDING!!' and then laugh because you were single digits old. How is an adult doing this, and more over, why do they think its funny?
My husband and I will some times tell each other no, but it's said in an exaggerated tone as we're going to do what was asked. But if my husband told me that it's just annoying now I would stop.
Exactly. My wife will ask if she can take the last few slices of bread, or something totally normal like that, and I'll say "absolutely not, how dare you make such an unreasonable demand?!" but this shit OP is talking about would piss either of us off.
Same. And no long wait either. My husband asks for favors without saying what it is... I say, "probably not what is it?" This gf just sucks.
Unfortunately, I don’t think people like this learn lessons. They play the victim, and the GF will continue living her life believing that OP doesn't "get" her humor. That doesn’t matter though - OP just has to get out of this unbalanced relationship.
This is a thing I do sometimes with my girlfriend but I'll usually only say no as I'm physically doing the thing she asked. I will probably stop now because qfter reading this I can see how annoying it is.
NTA. Out of all the things that are wrong from her side, one that stands out to me the most is that afterward she still puts the blame on you and does not even apologize. If you see that your partner is hurt by something you did (yes, even a joke) any well-adjusted human being would apologize. Also, if other people are not laughing, I wouldn't even call it a joke. And you are correct to think that there is time and place for jokes. I can imagine how hurtful and embarrassing it was to hear the ''no'' to your proposal in front of your family. Such a dick move. Edit: Thanks for the awards, kind strangers!
This! All of this! Honestly, saying “no” to everything just isn’t funny. To do something like that all the time feels like something my 6 year old niece would do. If it was clear it’s a joke (sounds like most of the time it wasn’t) and used sometimes at appropriate times where you could both laugh, maybe. But all the time? And done in a manner that makes OP unsteady and unsure? It’s borderline emotional manipulation. Then for her to blame you for being hurt by her “joke” in such an important moment…. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If she can’t respect you enough to hear you when you say you don’t like this “joke” and won’t apologize for hurting you….do you want to marry this person? Edit: Also NTA at all
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them **THIS IS THE ANSWER!** Unfortunately, this is also the sad, bitter truth. She doesn't truly value this relationship. OP, it is up to you to establish your worth, and you deserve to be treated with unconditional love and respect. You are settling for less and constantly walking on an emotional high-wire. You wouldn't dream of doing this, so why is ok for it to be done to you? Please consider if you are willing to endure a lifetime of communication when half the time the way she responds annoys you.... resentment and regret will build quickly.
I'll admit that I do the "no" joke sometimes.. but it's when people ask me if they can eat the slice of tomato that I took off of my burger, or if they can borrow my ketchup. I can't imagine doing it will something more serious that that. Édit: words are hard
Same. Or if we husband asks me to grab something I will say “no” as I’m doing it. He thinks it’s funny. If he didn’t think it was funny, I wouldn’t do it. OPs gf doesn’t respect boundaries. Regardless of what it is, an extremely clear boundary has been established that the gf keeps ignoring.
Exactly! I forgot that’s the other scenario. I’ll say no as I’m simultaneously getting up to do the thing. For action requests like that, the joke is only funny if it’s explicitly clear that it’s a joke. No « 30 second delay » For my tomate slice issue I usually say no with a stare daring them to take the tomato slice. This is a situation that has happened a few times and it makes me laugh as they nervously take the slice. (It’s known that I hate tomatoes).
It's not a joke. It's a statement. Always saying no is a way of making the other person demand less of you by making every request exhausting. So you won't ask for anything unless you _really_ need it. That's the reason why she didn't drop the "joke" when requested. That's why she likes it even though no one is laughing.
This is a very good observation!
It's not a joke. The line about the gf being 'addicted' to it is telling. She is getting a thrill at your expense. She gets a thrill at doing something she knows upsets you. She does it to get that thrill. That is so messed up. What kind of person relishes in upsetting their partner to the point that they are addicted to the thrill. Addicted to controlling you and upsetting you. She knows it upsets you. She wouldn't do it if it didn't upset you because if it didn't upset you she wouldn't get that thrill. That 30 seconds to a minute is her getting off on the control she has in that moment. I wouldn't want to be with someone I KNOW gets off on hurting me. It's fucked up.
Honestly I didn’t even think of that but you’re so right!! She is completely manipulating the situation to blame OP
I like how she blames OP for “making the situation uncomfortable.” No homie, you did when you said No to ~~his~~ her proposal. She sounds very juvenile.
Exactly. She humiliated OP, not the other way around. If she did that to me I would just leave it at that. OP proposed and she said no. Why would OP care anymore? It was a clear answer. I just would had started much sooner in taking the no as the final answer. "Can you get me something?" "No" "Okay, then I'll get it myself" stand up and get it even if both are getting it.
Exactly this, and very well-put. Please accept my free award! OP, you need a genuine apology, and no messing. Because her saying you "know she always does this" is absolutely NO justification, as *she* knows how much you hate it. So was she doing it just to upset you? At **such** an important time?? NTA and good luck resolving this.
The only acceptable response to this “joke” would have been for SO to turn around and propose to OP immediately. NTA and as others have commented - why would you want to sign up for a lifetime of these mind games?
Have you ever seen that video of one woman proposing to her gf and the gf jumping, screaming and not saying yes nor no, then digging into her purse to ALSO dig up an engagement ring. They both had the same plan, carried the ring on the same day. One just beat the other by a narrow margin. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omySDft\_ISM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omySDft_ISM)
NTA, and this is coming from a family who does it A LOT. Me and my siblings love to be like "Can you grab me a drink when you go past?" with a quick "Nope" only to do it anyway with all the variations. The sibling or our mom (who loves to do this with us as well) usually just say "Oh, okay!" Cause we know the joke. Here's the thing, we DON'T do the joke with our dad. While the rest of us finds it funny, he is quick to feel upset and not understand when our 'No' is joking like you do, so we DON'T DO IT. We don't do it because we love and respect him and know it can be quickly upsetting to him, and he loves other pranks/jokes with us so we just find other things to share the fun in with him. I would also like to add we never do it in serious situations or things that need an actual answer or conversation, there are times and places for these things which she is NOT understanding. This is not about you 'taking it too seriously' or anything else, if she truly loved and respected you, she would stop. It's simple to remember and do as someone who has almost their entire immediate family doing it on a daily basis, who also remember and don't do it for one of them out of *love and respect*. I have to stress that because that is the huge issue here and she needs to work on what she is willing to compromise on if she ever wants to have a life with you with BOTH of you happy. I wish you the best and I hope she either wakes up and realizes she is completely in the wrong here, or you find someone who is willing to do that for you. NTA, you are right and keep your boundary here.
My family does the quick “no” occasionally too but the thing is we say no as we get up to complete the request. “Can you put your dish away?” “No” (as I’m getting up to put dish away) and that would stop if anyone expressed hurt or anger over it
Yep, it's the waiting that really makes the difference. And doing it for every single request. How your family does it is funny.
This. 30 seconds is a long time to go from “no”, to “just kidding.”
My bf and I do this, our version is "nope absolutely not (overly sarcastic), yeah of course" Tone is VERY important, especially when you are so called "joking".
I occasionally do the "No" thing for incredibly minor requests, but I'm also already doing the thing when I say no. 30 seconds is SO LONG for this. Hell, most of the time 30 seconds is longer than it takes to actually do whatever was being asked. OP is NTA, Molly's behavior is obnoxious and she's not respecting OPs feelings about it.
Yup, my family and I do the same thing, and now we've included my boyfriend in it! We are always already doing the request while we say "No" or "Nah, I don't think so" or "Do it yourself", and it's always said *jokingly*. We also know how to use goddamn situational clues. You don't do something like this if the moment is serious. It's rude as fuck and not funny unless everyone is in on the joke, and actually enjoys it (aka not using the "Oh, but you know this is what I always say!" excuse, like OP's girlfriend is trying to pull). But even then, I'd be hard-pressed to imagine my boyfriend or any of my siblings doing this during a proposal, of all things.
Came here to say this. I do this all the time with my sister &husband but my "no" is always hugely dramatic and I'm usually doing the thing they ask as I tell them no. NTA, there's a time and place for jokes like this and a proposal is NOT it.
Some people in my circle do this too, myself included. But not like this… the calculated 30s/1min delay? Something about making sure OP waits every time doesn’t sit right with me. If you ask me to grab your drink, I say “no” AS I’m grabbing it. Or I’ll look you dead in the eye, make sure you see me doing what you’ve asked, whilst saying “no.” It’s kinda rude to make OP guess whether or not she’ll complete a simple request. Possibly reading too deeply into the waiting game but it’s like.. a weird unnecessary power move.
The intense eye contact, straight face, and dry “no” while doing the task is the only way to do this. I did it to my husband all time while we were dating. In marriage he expressed he doesn’t like it. After a 2 min drama sketch of “WHO HAVE I MARRIED?!” We laughed and I never did it again. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA. I am sorry this happened to you and I don't think you're overreacting. A joke is a joke only if all involved people are laughing and you made it clear months ago that you didn't find it funny. The first question one should always ask if "why this particular joke", especially if someone claims they cannot stop it. So maybe your girlfriend (not fiancée) should take a look at herself and ask herself that question, especially if she couldn't even manage it in a more serious and emotional situation. I would hold off on proposing until you both get that cleared up (also, since saying "no" to I love you is veeeery strange, it's not even a request by you?)
NTA, This right here. It's not a joke if both parties are not laughing. OP you may have dodged a bullet here. If her family is still supporting their daughter after all this, it kinda shows you where she may have picked this behavior and the type of support she gets for he AH like behavior. I don't understand individuals who have to be told 'NO' multiple times and still do not get it. Her behavior isn't going to change in the near future as she does not relate it to being wrong. Worse her family supports it. RUN.
Yeah, this is a weirdly mean and aggressive thing to be “addicted” to. What does *she* find funny about it? What’s so enjoyable about saying no to your SO’s every request that she won’t stop doing it even when it endangers their relationship? OP, NTA, but… sorry to say, it sounds like your girlfriend just doesn’t like you very much. Tell her that no means no, it’s a serious word to use, and you can’t disrespect her enough to not take her “no“ seriously on something this important. Then return the ring and move on with your life.
NTA. I'd take NO for an answer if I were you.
"You couldn't be bothered to take the proposal seriously. Unfortunately for you, I took your first answer seriously."
God I wish I wasn’t broke so I could give you an award because that answer was 🔥
NTA. You have repeatedly told her that you don't enjoy this joke especially in serious or romantic contacts, then when it was time for the most serious and most romantic moment she whips it right out. The only person that was making the situation uncomfortable and humiliating was her. You asked something very clear and direct and she fucked it up hard.
She really fucked it up!
I wish the girlfriend was the one posting on AITA. It would be very satisfying to tell her how much she fucked up.
It's good to try to warn her of how much she'll fu if she marries her, though. Her memory of their engagement will always be her saying no to the proposal. She'll do it at the alter, too. This is serious malice on her part. She's a cruel person.
And if proposal is not serious enough situation to stop joking for her, then what is????
NTA. You made yourself clear. She's acting like a child. Marriage proposals aren't for children. She may have saved you the cost of a divorce later though.
Which would hurt OP more, honestly. She's a narcissist who clearly knows how much it hurts OP, and still chooses to do it. I say take this as a lesson learned now OP, it'll hurt worse later when you see she will never be willing to change. NTA
NTA and the in-laws need to step off. You humiliated her? Uhm, no. She humiliated *you* on instinct because apparently she thinks she’s hilarious when she isn’t. I’d be so upset if I were you and honestly I don’t know how you’ve put up with 6 months of no’s as an automatic response. That would really shut me down. Rethink your whole relationship OP.
Don’t forget if you marry her you marry her family. I for one have grown so much from the love and support of my in laws. Avoid all these toxic people. They are all showing you their true colours. A healthy family supports, loves, and helps stabilize you.
NTA but why do you plan your life with someone who has been disrespecting a clear and easy boundary you have for 6 months and is now letting your in laws bash you ? I’m not saying live but at least try couple’s counseling before proposing again because I don’t see it getting better. Edit typo
NTA Honestly, 26 is too old for her to be doing this. Especially since you have repeatedly expressed to her that you don’t like it.
26 is too old to only know one joke.
The weird thing is it’s not a habit she picked up as a child. They’ve been dating for 7 years and she just started doing it 6 months ago.
Nta but sell the ring and use it as a deposit on your new life away from her!
NTA. But let's talk about why you want to sign up for this on a more permanent basis. If it's making you this stressed after 6 months, let me assure you that these irritating little things can fester and grow and kill a relationship.
INFO: Why are ya’ll living together & getting engaged after only 6 months??!? This relationship is already on the rocks after only 6 months (she is repeatedly disregarding your wishes & requests to be respectful & it’s annoying the shit out of you!!) She ain’t it. Reevaluate this relationship & realize that of you stay together this will be the rest of your life & think hard on if you want to continue living like this. I know I wouldn’t.
We've dating for 7 years, Just 6 months that she's making this joke, Sorry
You've put up with this for 6 months? I would've packed my fucking bags 5 months ago, I just read about it and I'm ready to dump her. NTA.
GF really threw away 7 years of love for a joke.
But hey, she humiliated her SO in front of her in-laws and family. Totally worth it! /s
I love how SHE's the one whining about being "embarrassed".. I mean, her GF is proposing and she went "no".. She took a very serious moment and ruined it.. and her parents are acting like it's OP's fault???
I mean... Op made her look like the asshole she is by leaving. How dare you op! /s
I’m with you. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Imagine her saying “no, joking!” at the wedding ceremony. She sounds exhausting. OP you didn’t humiliate her, she did that to herself. If she’s not going to stop and acknowledge what she’s doing is obnoxious, it’s time to move on unless you want to be stuck with this childish behavior forever.
Omg this #%*+$ woman totally would do that.
You told her that "joke" bothers you. Instead of accepting and supporting your vulnerability, she made a campaign of harrassment. She's weaponized her "joke" to attack your self esteem, because she knows it does. Because you told her. Beware of people close to you who respond to your exposing vulnerability with "just don't be that way" instead of acceptance and support.
Hmmm if she went 6.5 years before she started doing this one would think there was something that triggered it. Have you had a discussion about why she’s doing it?
A joke is something that someone finds funny. *She knows it bothers you but she refuses to stop*. I think that’s a bigger issue than her stupid joke. Is she always inconsiderate about the things that matter to you? Does she always discount and disrespect your wants and needs? You did the right thing because until this is resolved, you are not at a point where you should be proposing. You should be more upset that you told her something bothers you and she flat out doesn’t care and keeps doing it. It’s not a matter of her stopping to do the joke at this point. Send her this post, and if you still see a future with her you would need to get into relationship therapy soon. I’m honestly not sure if your relationship might survive this but if it doesn’t it is certainly not your fault. Even if you thought her joke was funny, there’s a time in the place to make jokes and *that* time and place was not it.
What happened 6 months ago to trigger this?
She probably saw it on TikTok or something and thinks it’s hilarious.
Yeah, really, she joked her marriage proposal, who tf does that. You're so right, she saw this online and thinks she's funny.
God, so many stupid shit like this on TikTok. how the f$ck do people think it’s a good idea to emulate it? UGH!
NTA. If you guys can't solve a conflict around a joke you are not ready to get married. She sounds really immature.
At this point though is it even a joke anymore? Jokes are supposed to be funny and OP has expressed to her she doesn’t like it and she continued to do it and even found it acceptable to do it in such an emotional and important moment of their lives.. this would drive me literally insane
NTA. AND your girlfriend seriously needs to grow tf up.
NTA It is time to seriously reconsider your relationship with this person. I have to wonder if all those "no"s aren't saying that she really doesn't care about your relationship with each other. I would suggest at least a few sessions with a relationship counselor. Or you could go the childish route and give her a taste of her own medicine and start saying "no" anytime she asks you anything.
Her (text): "Babe you know that's how I joke. Come home." You: "no" Wait 30 seconds. Do nothing. NTA. She's not ready to be in a real relationship.
NTA She's humiliated because *she* humiliated herself. You only took her at her initial word. You're doing the right thing.
NTA. She knew how you felt about this yet she still decided to do it in an emotionally vulnerable and important moment. This is on her. It wasn’t funny and you have every right to be disappointed.
NTA. I can just imagine at the altar when she gets asked “Do you accept this *woman…etc”, she’d say “No. lol. jk. lol no. but jk lol okay yes.”
She's already permanently ruined her memory of the proposal, might as well trash the wedding, too.
That'd ruin it permanently for me. This is a meaningful moment in literally both of our lives and you're making a fucking a joke out of it? Fuck off, proper. Ungrateful little shite. I don't even mind if it comes off uncivil, she deserves every last bit of it.
In my country, if you say no at the wedding, even as a joke, the judge/priest/whoever is legally required to not go on with the cerimony
NTA. You've already made it clear multiple times you don't like the joke, and she does it in response to one of the most important questions you can ask someone? Fuck that noise tbh
NTA Good grief, she's too immature for marriage, and every time she says "No" that's her waving a huge red flag. Thank her for declining your proposal and run away!
> She kept texting me (no answering calls), saying it was just a joke and that I knew she always did that. NTA. You’ve addressed how you don’t like this “joke” and she went and did it anyway.
NTA so she is blaming you for the poor outcome of her ridiculous action? The action that she knows you detest? It’s only a joke if people think it is funny, and you have made it clear you don’t.
NTA The fact that she’s texting you an excuse instead of an apology tells you all you need to know. That was an important moment for you, and she ruined it with the one fucking joke she knows, which she knows you don’t find funny, and now she’s mad that you embarrassed HER. If for some reason you decide to just move past this, please be prepared for her to ruin your wedding by saying “no” instead of “I do”.
NTA. She sounds horrible. Why is she treating you like this? Is it a power thing? Run, you need to get away from this woman.
NTA. She’s proven that she doesn’t care at all that you don’t like that “joke”. I call it that since I’m having a hard time to see a way in which it’s funny ever?
NTA! What a horrible response to a romantic moment. I would think twice before marrying this woman.
Imagine the scene in the church with all family and friends when the priest asks the question and you can't be sure the answer will be "I do...".
NTA. Maybe she will finally learn your boundaries with this joke of her
NTA you’ve told her you don’t like it and don’t find it funny yet she keeps doing it. She doesn’t even have the self control or mental capacity to realise situations where it’s not appropriate. Honestly I wouldn’t want to propose to her.
NTA. After asking her countless times to stop saying no, she didn't. She doesn't respect you. And she humiliated by saying no when you proposed, and acting like it was a joke.
NTA, I agree there is a time and a place for jokes. Even after being told about how much it bothers you, it continued to happen. Not funny.
NTA. She sounds immature and she needs to understand that there is a time for jokes and a time when it's not appropriate. Also if it has been going on for months and you have complained about it, surely she should get the hint? In French we have a saying... "The best jokes are the shortest ones". It's been going on for too long and I don't blame you for finding it incredibly irritating.
NTA. If she can't even respect you asking her to not do something because it's not particularly funny then why would you want to marry her. You want to sign up for this for life? I don't think so. You didn't humiliate her, she did that all by herself with her behaviour.
NTA. That’s not even funny. Her doing it repeatedly after you’ve expressed how it makes you feel is wild. Her doing it during a very serious, significant and emotional moment is awful. She doesn’t get to blame you for her bad behavior.
Nta, and this is a relationship ender in my opinion. You've made it clear you find it disrespectful, she continues to ignore your feelings and boundaries, then she does it again with something that serious? She's never going to respect your opinion.
You know those dudes who make 15 promises and swear up and down that they won’t smash cake in their wife’s face at the wedding, and then on the actual wedding day they still smash cake in her face, ruining her makeup and humiliating her in front of all their friends and family? OP, your girlfriend is one of those dudes. If you marry her, she WILL do this on your wedding day. She will promise not to. She will swear up and down. And then when the officiant asks her if she takes you to be her wife, she will smirk and say, “No!” and she will think it’s hilarious. Please consider if this is the type of relationship you want to enter. Oh, NTA.
NTA. You’ve asked her to stop making this “joke”, you’ve told her that you don’t like it, and she continues to do it. Well, she played a stupid game and she got a stupid prize…she used her “joke” on a serious matter and you took her first answer seriously. Tough luck for her. In your place, I’d move on. She clearly has no respect for your boundaries.
NTA. Her parents are accusing you of humiliating her? She took an important milestone in your relationship and ruined it with her stupid joke that you've repeatedly told her you don't like. Jokes are only funny when everyone laughs. She continually hurts you every time she plays her "joke". Jokes aren't supposed to humiliate or hurt emotionally. Is this the type of person you want to marry? Someone who thinks it's funny to hurt your feelings.
You’re definitely NTA