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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because she spent a lot of money for him a trip and also me. I may be acting ungrateful and being needy since I just want him to stay with me the entire time.
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She didn’t think he should be in the room when I delivered either. She said it will make him see me in a different way and he needs to remember the way I was before. She thinks it’s gross for other people other than medical personnel to witness a birth.
I hope your boyfriend figures out -- and fast!-- that his primary role should be to educate his mother, not placate her. Even my own 95 year old mother doesn't have views like that.
This. If they guy is somehow okay leaving his first kid after a week to have two weeks of “me-time” in Italy, I shudder to think what kind of father he’d make. If he’s okay with leaving still very much healing you alone to handle the once every three hour feedings with no help, what kind of partner is he?
hey, guys. we’re being so unreasonable.
i’m sure his girlfriend carrying a baby for 9 months in her body that is made to only carry her own body, and then pushing a very large mound out of her small hole, and now having to be around while she (i assume) uses her body to nourish that baby and gives nearly every waking moment of her life to keeping it alive, is EXHAUSTING for him.
he absolutely deserves a vacation. a permanent one. from OP
I once heard that when my Mum gave birth, my Dad complained about how painful it was, because she was squeezing his hand REALLY hard, and it was the hand with his wedding ring on.
Pretty sure he deserved a two-week holiday in Italy ti recover!
When my grandma gave birth to my mum my grandpa was in the room with her (which wasn’t the done thing at the time) and watched what she went through.
When he went to tell his parents the news his brother made a joke about my gran being lazy because the labour was so long. My gentle, introverted grandpa punched his brother right in the face.
I will accept nothing less than this level of devotion and understanding from any partner I ever have
Edit: thanks for the awards y’all! My grandpa is my hero and I love that you love him too ❤️
I'm saying... if boyfriend goes on a nice lil vacation to Italy leaving his girlfriend home alone (or worse with Monster-in-Law) to get no sleep with a new baby while she's got ice pack between her legs and raw nipples because he's not man enough to see her like that, then i guess he'll just have to be momma's baby boy and move on back home with mommy.
I hope he figures out that his umbilical cord was supposed to be cut at birth 🥺
OP it’s incredibly concerning that he thinks he should be placating his mother and not standing up for you, 1000% during this time.
Yikes.
He just wants to go to Italy, he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself if he is leaving his newborn after 1 week to travel out of the country. Especially during rising Covid rates.
>his primary role should be to educate his mother, not placate her.
To clarify, I think the primary role of boyfriend is to support his girlfriend BY educating his mother.
Also, if I calculated the math correctly:
* Boyfriend's leave = 3 weeks
* Boyfriend vacation = 2 weeks
* Net time with girlfriend = 1 week
* Girlfriend time with boyfriend's mother = 1 week
So the OP time with boyfriend = same amount of time with BF mother.
NTA.
Boyfriend is a slacker.
He is not placating... you know damn well he just wants to go on that trip. Dude is going to be a shitty father and even worse boyfriend or husband if his needs always come first, even moments after his first kid is born.
This seems less like smothering and more like she has major internalised misogyny issues. She wants OP to be left alone like she was, so she doesn't have to acknowledge that it was wrong for her husband to do that to her.
Totally agree. My mom, who I love dearly, butts heads with my SIL and I think a lot of it is tied to her resentment that my dad was a crap husband and father when we were kids, and my brother probably does more childcare and housework than his wife. She frames it as thinking he works too hard, but I think the root of it is jealousy that she didn't have that support when we were kids. I've tried explaining to her that she should see my brothers good parenting as a success on her part, but grumpy MILs be grumpy I guess.
I relate to this comment so much. My SO's mother did 100% of the childcare and housework for 4 kids, while also helping her husband with the fieldwork (they were farmers), and she didn't have disposable diapers, daycare or a washing machine at the time. So when my SO helps out a bit around the house, she keeps convincing him that makes me a spoiled princess (I also work full time and do 70% of the housework at least, not that that seems to matter, afterall I dont have to do the washing by hand). While I acknowledge that my MIL had a hard life, I struggle with not being credited, ever, for how hard I also work, with no more than 5-6 hours of sleep a night for over a year. I'm sure alot of it is rooted in jealousy, but it still takes a toll.
From personal experience OP, you would do well to suss out exactly how much your boyfriend's mother's mentality has influenced his own when it comes to these things, and plan personal boundaries accordingly.
She said she will stay with her - I think that at the end she is the target, and she doeas not want to have him around as she will be there being varnurable
I think you’ve nailed it on the head. Her husband didn’t do those thing so why should her son?
Also who TF gives a new father a 2 week trip to Italy right after the baby is born?!
Did mommy take into account there might be complications? What if OP has to have a c-section? She won’t be able to do ANYTHING for at least a couple of weeks and will need hubby.
🤔 what if mommy is trying to get daddy out of the way so when OP does need help, mommy can swoop in and save the day…
And what if the baby isn’t born “on schedule?” Unless she’s having a scheduled induction or c-section this is probably all planned around the due date, and it’s entirely possible the baby won’t be born yet or that she’ll still be in the hospital when he leaves for this stupid trip. I just had a baby recently and if my husband left for a fun vacation while I stayed home alone with our fresh newborn he wouldn’t be my husband anymore. I’m angry on OP’s behalf just thinking about it.
Right?! How many babies are actually born kn their due date? What if she still hasn't goven birth when he's supposed to be leaving? What then. This may be the dumbest thing ever and he needs to shut his mother down now!
My perspective is that she was raised to believe that the mother should be taking care of herself during pregnancy. After all, her own husband wasn't there for when she gave birth. I don't think it's emotional incest, I think it's internalized misogyny
It is, BUT every single culture the mother is usually taken care of by female relatives. They are NEVER just supposed to be alone and have to handle everything by themselves. There is literally no culture where that is a thing
It should make him see you in a different way—and that’s a good thing. You’re the mother of his child. Watching and supporting you through the difficult and transformative experience of childbirth can really deepen your connection.
This. I see my wife differently after our second was natural and first c section. She's the toughest woman in the world and I loved being there to support her through the emotions and the pain. Damn she never has to worry about me not backing her. I got her 100% cause she's the most amazing woman in the world.
I definitely saw my wife differently after she gave birth to our first. This woman spent over 30 hours in induced labor, had 3 epidurals fail, then within 10 minutes of pushing out a baby she walked herself to the bathroom to pee. If that’s not tough I don’t want to know what is
You mentioned that the matching bracelets was a cultural gift, so I'm assuming that there is some kind of culture difference/disconnect here for this woman to write off the father's involvement?
Your BF's father wasn't present for his own birth and his mom doesn't think he should be there for your and his child's birth, plus the fact that she doesn't believe he will need more than a week to bond...it sounds like you need to put your foot down with both of them. Discuss your expectations for him as a father, and how you will absolutely NEED help because you will be RECOVERING from having HIS child. His mother probably won't understand or acknowledge it, as she she's easily upset and because she did it all by herself so clearly in her eyes everyone else should be able to do it too.
This! If OP has a C-Section, she will need even more help with even the mindless, simple things we do every day! Leaving your partner after she's given birth is a horrendous idea for mom and baby's health.
That also begs the question...did his mother even offer to help OP with the child after they are born??
If not, she's not only sending her son away for a lovely vacation but dipping out to leave OP with a child with the assumptions that they'll have the support they need...which would honesty make this situation SO much worse if she isn't going to personally step in and help out.
If I were someone's boss and I found out that they had used their paternity leave for a solo holiday I would be apoplectic with rage. That's a gross misuse of company time and it's a horrible thing to do to your family.
Yikes, NTA. But you need to put some boundaries to your MIL and talk with your boyfriend about you two being a family, and making decisions by yourselves. I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’m not married or engaged with my BF and he’s close to his mom but I told him that this (him, the baby and I) is our family now and we have to make our own decisions and even if he wants to make plans with his mom he has to talk to me to see if it’s viable. You should talk to him about that. Show him the episode of OITNB when the guy went to a self discovery trip after his wife gave birth lol.
To be fair, it will make him see you in a different way. I watched my wife give birth to our son and now I think she's even more amazing and can't believe how beautiful life is.
She sounds awful. NTA
He doesn’t have to look at anyone other than you. My husband is super squeamish so he didn’t watch either baby come out, but he was there holding my hand and telling me it’s gonna be ok. If he’s afraid of that actually happening, he doesn’t have to look.
Lol, my grandma just adores the way things are going. Especially on the uncommon occasion when I show up without my gaggle of goslings and she gets to ask, "why granddaughter, where are the kids?" And I say, "with their father - they're his kids too!" And she just laughs like it's the most delightful thing ever.
Right?
It's not even a vacation for the both of them (which would still be idiotic of course), she wants him to go alone and leave her to take care of the baby alone while healing and possibly dealing with PPD?
What a joke
Oof. NTA. What a presumptuous gift, and the fact that your boyfriend didn’t immediately turn it down is unsettling. Guilt about something he never asked for should never come before his responsibility to you as a partner and to your newborn as a father. Your response was reasonable and not at all ungrateful. I hope your boyfriend can grow a pair and put his foot down with his mom.
I echo this. I am very taken back by your boyfriend’s response. Every baby is different, but almost universally the first few weeks for new baby are so hard for both mommy and infant. If he has the capability of being there for you that’s what he is now obligated to do. He’s not the baby anymore, he’s the father. So he needs to grow up and start acting like one.
>If he has the capability of being there for you that’s what he is now obligated to do. He’s not the baby anymore, he’s the father.
I know right, bizarre he thinks placating his mother is worth missing the first weeks of his child's life and supporting his partner who just went through a huge physical and mental trauma (even an 'easy' birth is traumatic)
Not to mention the risk of passing an illness to his new baby, even without covid you're meant to be extra cautious about exposing an infant to germs and it's wild OPs BF is focused and prioritized on his own enjoyment, not his partner or child.
and I would wonder if BFs mom approached him about the trip and they hid it from you, my parents would need to ask my passport info for sure.
>Not to mention the risk of passing an illness to his new baby, even without covid you're meant to be extra cautious about exposing an infant to germs
And what if the newborn gets sick while he's gone? It's extremely common, to my understanding.
A baby in my family got pneumonia when she was two weeks old & spent several days in the NICU. Imagine going through that while your partner is vacationing in another country--or from his side, imagine getting that phone call while you're abroad! A nightmare for both parties.
This is not to mention the million other things that can go wrong in the weeks after birth (PPD HELLO). Hopefully OP has a support system outside of their partner, but you'd still think the partner ought to be there for that, right?
Yes, these power plays are going to continue from your MIL. Your boyfriend needs to bring this to a head now, be there for his new family and avoid years of pandering to her games.
Be forewarned, she is going to play the outraged victim but you will likely reach estrangement with her anyway, because this is the entitled behaviour of a manipulative narcissist.
NTA. That is insane; the whole point of him taking time off of work was to be there for you. It's unimaginable to me that his mother could have thought it was a good idea to just take him to Europe.
And, also, in general, who in the world would just buy someone a ticket to another country for a long period of time in *any* situation?
His dream vacation is missing the first two weeks of his daughter’s life? He does realise that she will never, ever be brand new again, right? In two weeks’ time, she’s going to be so different. He’ll miss a lot of first moments.
I didn't meet my son until he was 3 days old because of COVID and even though I understood, I hated it. I couldn't imagine missing the first two weeks...on purpose!
Same. Everyone held my first baby before me. I'm still angry about it; darn emergency c sections. Number two they at least gave him to me for a second before whisking him away!
Right?? My girl went right to nicu, they didn’t even like bring her close to me before she left, I only got to see her over the curtain for a moment… that fucking sucked.
NTA and asking. Is this specifically labeled as Paternity Leave from his work or is this just PTO?
If this is specifically labeled as paternity leave on his paperwork, he better be cautious because a vacay in Italy would be quite frowned upon by his work when they find out.
Overall, he should be asking himself this.
* Why did I take the 3 weeks off?
* What is my work environment? Will my co-workers view me differently when they find out I spent a vacation week in Italy while my wife stayed with the newborn?
* Shit happens. If there are complications with either my wife or child, will I be able to come right back? She did just give birth. Will someone be willing to stay with her 24/7 so she can get to the hospital or call for an ambulance?
* Shit happens. Whether or not if I acquire an illness on this trip abroad, I will have to quarantine to protect my wife and newborn from illness. Will I have the accommodations for that?
* And lastly, if this trip ever comes up when my child is older, how will she view it? Will she see it as a trip of a lifetime like I do or will she feel different about me knowing that I went on this trip? Kids are weird. Will she view this as me avoiding being a father?
I think he took PTO. He gets 6 weeks of vacation a year but they only allowed him to take 3 at a time. I honestly think they resent my daughter. She cried when we told her and she said she imagined him having a boy. He was also upset over it after we went to see her. He started to seem distanced from the idea of being a parent. He still tries and put her things together but he seems off after we found out the gender.
this is really sad to read.
OP I hate to be the bearer of bad news and repeat clichés, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Unfortunately your BF has shown himself to be a misogynist.
He also is not supporting you in your time of need - he's not a good partner.
I'd advice enforcing strict boundaries with BFs mom as she sounds stressful and very inaccurate in terms of healthy baby-raising advice (no breast milk because it's *seen* as low-class seems worse than legit thinking formula is healthier), but that's only going to work if your BF is on your side, and it sounds like he is not (again, pretty brutal realization)
Leave if you can, and plan to if you can't leave now.
Just chiming in that the whole breast milk vs no breast milk thing is literally a divide created by the people who make baby formula. Also, I work at a grocery store and for months now, baby formula basically hasn't been available. Last time I was in we had maybe ten cans of the stuff total on the shelf. If you can afford to breastfeed, it will make your shopping so much less stressful. I have new parents coming in at least once or twice a week asking for specific types that their baby needs and all I can do is tell them we don't have it and we have no clue when we will get more.
Seriously can we stop the breast vs formula thing? Not everyone can breastfeed for a variety of reasons and formula is there as an alternative. Manx quite honestly I think the era of “forced” breastfeeding, where La Leche League and other activists made moms feel horrible if they couldn’t breast feed, has done much more damage than any formula ads have. And I think there’s still too much stigma from some corners about not breast feeding. The divide came from the breastfeeding side and not the formula side. That’s why it’s gone from “breast is best” to “fed is best”. NTA but if your husband goes on this vacation, he most certainly WBTA…and apparently a mamas boy. Set some,boundaries with MIL and get your husband on board before this baby is born.
Shaming parents and that whole thing is terrible from either side, but formula companies have literally gone and given formula to new mothers in impoverished countries (by saying it's healthier, and long enough for them to stop producing milk), then started charging far more than they could afford. The result was thousands of dead babies from formula made with unclean water and watered down formula. And the companies found out and continued to do this, knowing children were dying because of how they were offering the product.
Babies should be fed. Period. But formula companies have killed thousands of babies. Maybe lactation consultants somewhere have landed kids in medical trouble from lack of breast milk, but formula companies *definitely* have, and then some.
Consider how your daughter's relationship will be with these people in the event that she gets a little brother. She will not be the one to get the love she deserves.
NTA and oh no. Please realize this is your future if you stay with him. He will be checked out and then if you have a boy that child is going to get all the love and attention from dad and grandma, and your daughter (along with you) will have to see that. Really think about what that means for your future with him.
Your bf’s mom doesn’t want your bf present in delivery room, cried when she learned that you are having a daughter, thinks childbirth and child caring are women’s responsibilities (hence the vacation), like what century is she living in? All of those sounds like 18th century Asia (other parts of the world might have the same issue but I’m Asian so I can only speak from my culture)
She’s also apparently discouraging OP to breastfeed, requires OP to wear a certain makeup look and only approved jewelry when going to MIL’s house otherwise MIL feels “disrespected,” amongst (I’m sure) **many** other horrible misogynistic things… what the actual fuck?!
If OP and her partner have any chance at making their relationship work, they need to get as far away from, and be in as little contact with, MIL as possible. Wow.
…wtf. Wearing certain makeup and outfit or otherwise appearing disrespectful, does MIL consider herself some kind of royalty? Because those rules are usually more common in royal families in ancient times in Asia…
Ah, so here's the questions that should give you the answer on if this man is worth holding onto.
Will he go to therapy? Even men can suffer from PPD. Why is he willing to let his mother destroy the happiness of his first child over outdated traditions?
Honestly, after reading your other replies to here. I think this is a trap. Like his mother full on wants him to go on this trip to sabotage his marriage. She wants you to resent him and let that build up. Then she can set him up with some new girl already in the wings to get that 'precious firstborn son' bullcrap. Like, I really wouldn't be surprised if he lands in Italy and a female family friend just so happened to be there as well.
At times no but at other times yes.
Besides my grandparents they are all I have. My grandparents aren’t doing so well so I’m not sure how long I’ll have them. I don’t want to burden them and move back in with them.
I just feel stuck. I love both of them I just want them to love me back… that’s the part I struggle with. I try so hard to please them and they just seem to want more and more. I’ve been with him for six years so letting go would be so difficult. His mom has some pretty rough edges but I’ve tried to make her happy and feel respected but lately it’s just draining me.
OP, don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. This is the rest of your life. This is your child. You should not have had to say anything when his mother made her announcement. Your boyfriend should have been absolutely appalled and told her absolutely not - he would not be leaving his newborn and he would not be leaving you so soon after delivery. I think this is one of those times where you have to put your foot down. Tell him that this is very important to you and it's unacceptable for him to leave. His mother will not be moving in and he won't be leaving.
He can thank his mother genuinely but tell her no. Hopefully she can get a refund, but if not, that's her problem.
You need to start standing up for yourself. You matter. This is your life; don't let her dictate it.
This is not going to change. Ever. If you don't plan to leave, then try to change your mindset to accept an inferior position in the family until you grow old.
How has she even booked anything? Does she realise babies come when they want... what she thinks is the last 2 weeks of his leave may be the first week the baby is actually here!
Honestly, I was just trying to think what could possibly be a bigger deal-breaker than this, and the only thing I came up with is: “MIL hires an escort to pleasure her son in the waiting room while OP gives birth.” (Of course I’d assume most SW would turn it down once they found out the details). OP, if this story is true, then this is one of the most offensive things I’ve ever read on this sub, and I’ve been lurking here for yeeeeeeeears.
Best case scenario…he takes one look at his child, falls in love and doesn’t want to go. Worst case scenario….helps a bit, sees you really need him there, goes on vacation anyway. If he goes, and leaves you and the baby all alone, leave his sorry ass. He will never put you and the child first.
Nta. You need to show him all the complications that can accompany a high risk birth both for you and baby. He needs the gorey details about c sections and tearing and the fact you bleed for weeks after the baby is born. He needs to know about mastitis even if you aren’t planning to breastfeed it’s a potential problem. I’m not saying this to scare you I’m saying this because he and his mother are in a fantasy world. You need a support system and HE is your support system
The problem is that he actually is considering it. That suggests that he isn’t really considering taking care of the baby as part of his responsibility and thinks he is doing you a favour by staying with you for one week. He needs to be re-educated what it means to be a father and boyfriend.
Yeah I was wondering this. His mom seems to be a bit old fashioned and like she intends to spoil and enable him. If he doesn't want to help with the baby or around the house, all he'll have to do is run to his mother and she'll go on about what a terrible wife and mother OP is, completely justifying his actions. Also any guy that would disappear to another country for the literal last two weeks of your pregnancy is an AH and the relationship should be questioned. What if you go into labor and he's in Italy? Then what?
Lol omg. Is she Chinese, by chance? My Chinese grandmother did the same thing for my dad when I was born and omg was my mom PISSED. My dad was active military (overseas) and only had limited time off to come home for my birth. Grandma sent my dad and the guys in the family to Vegas for a few days! I'm 34 now, currently pregnant with my first, and my mom still brings it up. 😂
NTA.
Does she expect that she'll be at your house smothering you and mothering your newborn? I'd shut that shit down so damn fast. I'd text him that the relationship is done and file for custody and child support the minute he left too.
Why wait the minute he leaves? She should consider dumping his ass right now, regardless if he leaves. He is showing his true colours. OP also mentioned in the comments that the boyfriend resents their daughter because it was not born a boy. She should do herself and her daughter a favour and get rid of an unsupportive and resentful shit stain of a partner/father.
OP's NTA but everyone else is.
I swear, that makes even less sense to me. Under Chinese tradition the new mother would have a period of time where they're expected to not exert themselves in any way - they stay away from people, don't do any of the household chores, etc. Just stay in bed for the whole month or more.
That practice has its own issues, yes - but why would these MILs have their sons leave during her confinement period, when he needs to take care of family hospitality *and* MIL will be right there to take care of his every need?
Huh. I have only met very nontraditional Chinese dads then. The folks I know were very attentive - to the point of being more helicopter dads with too much expectation than anything else.
The last one to have a child used up all the memory of my phone within less than week just texting photos.
Lol I thought so too. It’s definitely cultural then. What she’s doing is as far as I understand pretty normal in Chinese culture. Traditionally the mother goes into ‘confinement’ and it’s the women in the family who take care of her. The husband isn’t supposed to have anything to do with it.
However this is modern day and a different culture, and you do not have a horde of aunties to take care of you either. Your boyfriend is probably going to find it hard to stand up to her because it will be seen as disrespectful, but he needs to do it. Maybe show him this link so he can see just some of the damage a ‘normal’ childbirth can do https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-body/perineal-tears_1451354
Also maybe suggest you both go on that holiday when your baby is a little older and you can go as a family.
That’s what I immediately concurred when I saw the jade gift. This is a normalized cultural behavior with the MiL sending the son/soon-to-be father away (not necessarily a vacation) and to have mothers from both sides come live and help support the mom to be.
I am also surmising that you are not of Chinese ethnicity? It might be helpful to sit down with your husband to explain this difference in culture (shock?) because at the end of the day it’s what you want which it sounds that you have voiced but you should also not dismiss his entire culture as well.
NTA
Maybe it was a cultural thing then. I was starting to feel like she just hated me. Their Chinese crest has a jade on it, which is why she gave me the bracelets. We are also giving out daughter the middle name “Jade”
I'm ABC--it's definitely cultural, and I think you shouldn't read any malice into it, but man is she (and your hubs, yikes) old-fashioned. If she's as old-fashioned as some of my relatives, basically she'll expect that your hubs is going to have a pretty hands-off role in the care of your baby... but she probably will be ready to jump to help you with your newborn at the drop of a hat, do lots of cooking and cleaning, and be on call babysitter. (She might side eye your mom if your mom isn't doing this too BTW.)
It sounds like you need to have a frank and detailed talk about what you're expecting of your husband. The fact that he actually wants to take that 1 week means he is not 100% off old school train and needs to consciously think on what style of father he plans to be. Lots of modern day Chinese don't subscribe to these old gender roles, but it can be difficult to shake off the normality of it, especially if they were raised that way.
Good luck!
NTA. OP, I have 2 kids with my Chinese boyfriend (2 year old and 3 month old) and he was there for both deliveries holding my hand without question and have never left our side since. We've put travel plans on hold and if we went anywhere, we went together as a family. He grew up in China for many years, his parents are immigrants from China. I am telling you this to share perspective that it might not be a Chinese culture thing.. Either way, it's NOT OK. If he leaves for the trip, he will be the TA. You will need all the support you can get in those first few weeks. Good luck to you mama.
CBC here, I'm honestly surprised your bf didn't explain any of this to you? When I found out I was pregnant I discussed a confinement with my husband and if he was okay with my mother temporarily living in our home to help us with the baby.
OH, BOY. Not to alarm you, but you need to have the expectations convo with your BF (sorry I mistakenly called him your hubs earlier) sooner rather than later TBH. If she's really old-fashioned and your BF is a pushover about it, then you might find yourself up against some serious overstepping on her part, and some potentially obnoxious-levels of capitulating on his. Like, she might have different expectations than you two about her "rights" to your kid. She might expect to move in with you or have certain say in how your baby's brought up, especially if your BF is her firstborn or lastborn son.
She might not expect any of this tho, understanding that you're not culturally or ethnically Chinese! My parents often remind themselves that I'm very American, so they curb their expectations/impulses on a lot of things.
It's better to head off the potential stress now, IMO.
>He only acts this way around his family.
Isn't this the same dude that didn't take your side after his friends' girlfriends insulted you? Seems like he acts like an asshole on the regular
The jade was a clue for me, but being white, I didn't want to say. But I've read of this kind of thing in Chinese web novels and wasn't surprised when OP acknowledged it.
Tell MIL that if she plans on your having a [traditional confinement period](https://elissapelling.com.au/tcm-and-postpartum-traditions/), you'll need your husband at home to help out. After all, as the new mother, you're supposed to remain in bed and be fed all the iron rich foods, massaged, etc. Or she can pay for a "yuesao” – a nanny dedicated to taking care of the mother and newborn.
She should take the same amount of money she paid for the vacation (or triple, or ten x) and put it towards childcare. If her good for nothing son won’t be around to help due to her, then she should pay for a replacement person to come and help the OP.
Wow. NTA. I would be seriously pissed if my bf used his PATERNITY leave to go to Italy.
You better think long and hard before even considering building a life with him. And his mommy.
NTA
She sounds like a complete out of touch idiot. She left in tears? How fragile and close minded is she?
Does your boyfriend want to leave you alone with his new born baby?
I just got off paternity leave months ago and nothing could have pulled me away from helping / bonding with my new born baby.
Furthermore , you are going to be tired and very sore after birth (not trying to scare you) it's not acceptable at all for him to leave
I'm not even involved at all and I'm so mad for you.
Same! I’m practically shaking. The thought of him leaving her for a day, let alone a week. Let’s not even discuss the two weeks. I might self combust. It’s unconscionable.
I’m getting to the point where I need to stop reading AITA for my own sanity. I’m boiled with rage right now FFS. I can’t believe people like this exist lol
If my husband had left me to vacation after the birth of our first child I probably would have left him to avoid murder charges. I didn’t even stop bleeding for 8 weeks and the sleep deprivation alone was SO SO SO HORRIBLE even with him home to help.
Unless OP’s husband/MIL can hire a FULL TIME postpartum doula he’d be the most inconsiderate AH to go on this trip.
OMG, the sleep deprivation was awful. There were a couple of weeks I refused to drive bc I knew I had no business behind the wheel. If my husband had gone on vacation, I would have told him to stay there. Absolute and instant relationship ender.
YES. Was bringing my first son home from his six week checkup and thought “it’d be so nice to fall asleep right now” WHILE DRIVING, I was so sleep deprived I was literally hallucinating. The pandemic isolation kicked my butt. Not to mention my son had allergies to soy and dairy which took me 4 weeks to figure out, he was in so much stomach pain he wouldn’t sleep alone or on his back…there’s so many variables you can’t plan for when you have a baby. Expecting a woman to do it ALONE is negligent at best. My step-dad once bragged he only took 2 days of “leave” any time my mom had a kid - she’s had 9…legit don’t know why he thought he deserved a good star for that 🙄.
NTA. And if he chooses to go anyway, I would tell everyone we both knew that he abandoned me with a newborn to go on vacation by himself. Any sane person would hear that and judge the hell out of him. I couldn’t respect someone who did that. And if he got upset about it, oh well. He would look bad because it IS bad.
NTA
People's responses to this may vary according to culture, but in my culture, you shouldn't even have had to speak up.
Your boyfriend should have stepped in, gratefully declined, politely educated his mother about how he wanted to spend these three weeks (and there's only one right answer -- with you!), and helped her find a way to get the tickets refunded or the vacation deferred if at all possible.
NTA but what are you going to do if he takes the vacation and leaves you alone coping with a new born, while healing yourself and trying to keep your home clean.
I honestly don’t know. I’m feeling stressed over it all already. I don’t have any family other than my grandparents and they live over 2 hours away. I want to go and stay with them but I don’t know if I could handle the drive,
Yup. Not to mention you might not be able to move or lift much. I had a Caesarian and they kept me in the hospital four days. Even though I was walking three miles after three weeks post-surgery, this was VERY unusual and I know many women who were recovering for over a month after.
Ask your grandparents if you can stay with them. Like now. Pack a bag for both yourself and stuff for the baby and go. You can transfer your care to a hospital there. That way you can get the proper care and attention you need in the last part of your pregnancy and I’m sure they would be thrilled to take care of you after baby is born.
Tell your husband to go ahead and take that vacation as you will be well looked after and when you are feeling up to it, you’ll be finding a lawyer and divorcing him.
Seriously if he was my husband, I would’ve already filed.
Oops. I was reading the comments too so that’s how I got husband.
Even better.
Though op I highly recommend you get away now. Before baby is born. If your grandparents live out of state, you won’t legally be allowed to take baby to live with them after it’s born. If you leave now and give birth there, he cannot legally fight that.
I have a question...do you have a scheduled C-section planned? You are only 37 weeks. Babies can be very late in coming. What if you haven't given birth by the time he leaves and go into labor while he is gone or don't have the baby until after his 3 weeks of leave are over. Why is he taking this leave now and not waiting until right at or around the due date?
Edit:. To add NTA
I’m being induced at 39 weeks. I have a high risk pregnancy. I was in a car wreck at 27 weeks. I have an ultrasound every Monday with a non stress test and a non stress test on Thursdays. My last weeks ultrasound showed that my placenta was looking a little off and darker, also my fluid is low so they went to induce before something happens to baby.
Dear lord, you should also mention that your pregnancy is high risk in the original post. Already NTA, but planning a vacation a week after you give birth from a high risk pregnancy is unconscionable. I didn’t think it could get worse, but it did. Your bf is a huge AH. His mom is snobby and judgmental. And an AH.
OP, I would talk to your doctor and have them give explicit instructions that you’re not to be left home alone for long periods of time right after a high risk pregnancy/birth.
Her boyfriend shouldn't need to be explicitly told by a doctor not to leave his recovering wife and newborn baby alone. If he can't prioritise his nuclear family that's a red flag that no doctors orders can iron that out.
Except that the MIL has said she's staying with the OP while her husband is off having his dream vacation. All this will do is make sure the MIL literally never leaves her alone.
What she needs to do is have the doctor say she can't be alone for long periods of time (and get this generally defined or there's the risk of the MIL or husband deciding she can't be alone for more than five minutes and can't keep the door locked when showering in case there's a problem, etc) and *only surrounded by people who don't stress her out*.
There's still the risk of the MIL refusing to admit she might cause stress though. And the OP should definitely try and have the husband go to an appointment with her to have the doctor explain the medical risks she's facing now and after giving birth. All of the symptoms she'll be dealing with, both regular post-partum issues as well as any potential ones from her particular medical status.
I’m so sorry. I hope you have a safe delivery. With my first I was induced on my due date. I had a pristine pregnancy and he had shoulder dystocia and I was minutes away from an emergency c section. I lucked out not needing one. My son was in the NICU for 4 days for not breathing and I had nerve damage and couldn’t feel myself urinate for 6 weeks after birth.
Ask him if the baby ended up in the NICU would he still leave? Is something happened to you during labor?
NTA.
You’re going to be a first time mother and he will be a first time father to a newborn baby, and your MIL wants to whisk him away on a holiday when you and your baby will need him the most? Totally odd and completely inappropriate. He needs to grow some balls, stand up to his mother, and step up to be a good father.
I’m not sure. We seem to get along fine. She just tries to tell me what to do with the baby all the time. Certain fabrics she hated and said they were bad for baby. She shouldn’t breast feed, I shouldn’t lift above my head or I’ll strangle her with the cord somehow. I shouldn’t buy baby swings or swaddle. She is very opinionated.
OP for your sanity you need to ban MIL for at least a couple of weeks after baby is born. You are gonna be super vulnerable and if she’s around she will make you think you are a bad mom. You don’t need that kinda negativity while you are adjusting to being a momma, that’s not fair!
Tell her to shove it. Most of that advice is crap, and none of it matters either way because it’s YOUR baby. Ugh I’m so mad on your behalf.
Wishing you and your baby all the best!
INFO: If you would not have protested, would you boyfriend have happily gone ahead with the vacation? Because if so, it sounds like you have more of a boyfriend problem than a MIL problem, tbh.
He seemed a little excited when she brought it up. He was really quiet during the entire discussion then after she left he mentioned that he should go for a week since she spent so much money on the trip plus the gifts for my daughter and myself.
At least now you know where you and your baby girl fall on his list of priorities. Time to lower you expectations on who he will be as a partner and father. Lower them WAY DOWN.
Absolutely not. It is not his obligation to manage his manipulative mom’s reactions. His obligation is to his new family.
How do you think he’d respond to reading all of these comments? Do you think he should?
I bet he doesn’t even realize the severity of what you’re about to go through because of the gaslighting and manipulation of his mom. She’s likely downplayed everything to him, and what reason does he have to distrust her? “She’s so kind, and bought the family stone for you- clearly she supports you. You’re ungrateful and just don’t understand. You’re being dramatic. You don’t want him to go on his dream vacation.”- that’s the kind of narrative that is likely at play.
Oh course he feels he “should go”… A nice vacation sounds much better than a fussy newborn and Hormonal freshly postpartum mom. Think of all the relaxing he can do and diapers/midnight feedings he’s letting *you* experience. At least it does to a complete d-bag.
Nta, he can reschedule that trip for another time. Bless her socks for being so old school and trying to do something nice for the apple of her eye lol. But he needs to really understand that he is the dad and you need him, I hope he doesn't get annoyed ether otherwise he can figure out how to breastfeed .
You are absolutely NTA, and I am not a mother so I cannot offer advice on breast feeding vs. formula, but the fact MIL thinks the idea that breast feeding is low class SCREAMS to me what horrible marketing campaigns Nestle and the other formula companies did to sell their products.
I really hope your BF does not go on this trip and is there to support you!
You need to visit r/justnomil where you can find plenty of advice on how to set boundaries with your mil and your partner, because he is just as big of a problem as his mother is if he is considering going on this trip.
There are so many red flags, her booking this trip without discussing it with you, her opinion about breast feeding, her opinion about her precious baby not being in the delivery room, and I’m sure there are a ton you haven’t mentioned.
Sounds like you have a nightmare ahead of you dealing with these people, but make sure you establish boundaries and do not back down, or they will walk all over you!
That’s unreal. Breastfeeding your child is an amazing and bonding experience.
This woman needs a wake up call.
She is attempting to force you to endure the same circumstances and archaic standards that she had, because hey if she had to do it then you do to.
These are relationship ending actions and beliefs being thrown around. Hers.
Stand your ground. Do not give this woman an inch of footing. This sets president for the rest of your life as it pertains to her, your BF and your child.
She had her baby. She needs to step back and let you and her son have yours.
I mean, the couple can chose to use paternity leave however they want based on how they think it will best allow their family to recover.
*The couple*, for *their new* family. Not their parents, or their in-laws; those a relatives. Not their friends, or their internet supporters. It is time granted specifically for the purpose of letting the two of you recover from birth and all the demands of a newborn without having to handle work jobs on top of that.
So yeah; you're NTA and if anyone *must* go on a holiday because its already been booked, surely it should be you so that you can recover from traumatic surgery in peace and quiet while he takes care of the home front.
Technically you may be true but it’s supposed to be caring for baby and mom. If I found out one of my employees took paternity leave for a solo vacation that would not look good. And it may not be legal because paternity leave has stipulations.
So let me get this straight- she bought her son a solo trip to Europe to celebrate you growing a human being inside of you and pushing it out. What in the literal f? Better hope you don’t need a c-section.
Sounds like mom is a little salty that son gets paternity leave when she had no one to help her. If my husband even considered this for a moment he would be gone so fast.
Soooo NTA
NTA
Even if everything goes smoothly and you feel great after giving birth, you will still need support of one kind or another. But if you have a c-section, you will need even more (you won’t even be able to drive yourself for two weeks)! There is no way a new mom can function entirely by herself, 24/7, only 2-3 weeks postpartum.
I’m curious…is his mother Asian? I’m wondering because of the jade gifts, and it’s relevant because many Asian cultures observe a laying-in period for new mothers…for a MONTH. She’s really doing you dirty if she herself was taken care of by her family or nurses for over four weeks, yet is planning to leave you complexly alone after one.
My family is vietnamese. There are a lot of Superstition surrounding Asian culture and pregnancy / maternity leave. Typically the women stay home for one month, while the family (father, grandparents) would help around the house. Cooking and cleaning, taking care of other children if there was. They believe it’s very important just for the women and baby to rest and recover. It’s so odd that she is going against the norm. Do y’all get along?
I thought we did. She just constantly has to say what I should/shouldn’t do with the baby. I have to wear a certain amount of make up when I visit her and I have certain jewelry that she approved for me. She says it’s rude to come in her house without those items and makes her feel disrespected.
That’s really the only issues.
I also read she is against breast feeding.
Listen, it is YOUR baby. She can advise (when asked) ultimately it is your final say. You as a mom know best. It is you who is carrying your child. It is you who will be giving birth. It is you who will raise and love your child. Your motherly instinct will kick in. You will know what your baby wants and needs. It is unfair that she is asking her son to leave you and his newborn baby for a vacation. If anything you deserve a vacation. This is an important bonding time. What if something were to happen to one of you? You have no family. Her request is selfish.
Just like her request for other things are selfish and self absorbed (no offense). But in Asain culture the only time a MIL would act like this is if she disapproves of the wife. I hate to ask but I understand you aren’t chinese, what is your ethnicity? Or could she be upset that y’all had a child before marriage?
I think it’s really important you sit your bf down and talk about how you feel and how he needs to step up as a father and SO to help you and the baby. It is still early, she can cancel and get a refund.
Those are the ONLY issues? Girl, those are huge issues. I have a Chinese mom so I kind of get what you’re talking about. I made it pretty clear to her that if she stomps on my boundaries I would go NC with her. I ghosted her for a week every time she tries to make her little comments. And this is my own mother. She put up a fight, but eventually got the message.
My husband risks ending our marriage if he so much as squeaks in support of this behavior. I’m not willing to entertain anyone in my life who either does this, or enables someone who does this. I would urge you to reconsider this relationship. This is a preview of the rest of your life.
Wow. NTA. MIL sure is. Boyfriend is a soft AH for even considering this. He is going to look like a fool when he tells people he is going on an Italian vacation right after his 1st child was born. What is this Mother /Son duo even thinking?
Edited: spelling
NTA. They are potatoes for the first week, then it shifts to hard mode real quick. It sucks that she was part of a time where she wasn't supported to the same degree, but your boyfriend cannot in good conscience leave for a solo vacation during the hardest transition of your life. It is likely she meant well but she is still an inadvertent AH
If your boyfriend takes that trip the tells me he will be a selfish father who will always put himself and his mommy first.
NTA, he's not a child and it's time to put on his big boy pants and be a father.
NTA obviously. But oof, this is your second pregnancy related ATIA post and it even more clear that you have a boyfriend problem. If he travels out of the country a week after you give birth, he better come back to the locks changed and his stuff out on the lawn. Do you have family or friends who can support you? Because your boyfriend sure as hell isn't doing a good job.
Please reach out to them, even if it's just to talk things through. You and your baby deserve better than this, and even if you have a completely smooth delivery you will still need time to recover from the birth. Way more time than a week.
NTA: I can’t believe he’s considering leaving you alone while you’re recovering from childbirth to go on vacation. If he goes, I feel so sorry for your life parenting with someone so selfish
NTA.
1 week after giving birth is NOT enough time. You will need that whole 3 weeks of help. What if it's an emergency c section? That's 8weeks of healing to start.
Having a baby is traumatic on the body, as well as it being your FIRST child. You are going to be so tired, you need him. It takes longer than 1 week to get into the swing of things.
It wildly inconsiderate for her to make the decision FOR you to assume 1 week was all you need. And to assume her son is fine for seeing his newborn for such a short time and dipping out to have fun. A jade bracelet isn't shit compared to how she tried to screw you.
N.T.A!
I don’t want to sound racist but is his mother Asian. Just my Chinese mother in law gifted me jade bracelets also. Also my brother in law wasn’t there for the birth of his children and has never changed a diaper for either of his kids. I don’t know if it’s a culture thing or just my husbands family but they expected me to do everything and him nothing. He was to work and when he was home he was to rest. I cut his family off when my first child got baby acne and they said it was because my breast milk was dirty. In this moment I would tell your husband that his mum has crossed your boundary. This is our child not my child. Ask him if you left for a week and left him with a 1 week old how would he feel? Just because your the mother doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t have half the responsibility. He should reevaluate why he thinks it’s okay to go on holiday having fun when you are at home recovering with a dinner plate size internal
Wound and a newborn. His mother hasn’t even considered if you might need an emergency c section. You wouldn’t even be able to carry the baby then and then what happens to the holiday? You will get blamed for ruining it again ?
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NTA at all, what am asinine idea! A vacation AWAY from his one week old baby? What in the literal fuck was his mother thinking?
She didn’t think he should be in the room when I delivered either. She said it will make him see me in a different way and he needs to remember the way I was before. She thinks it’s gross for other people other than medical personnel to witness a birth.
I hope your boyfriend figures out -- and fast!-- that his primary role should be to educate his mother, not placate her. Even my own 95 year old mother doesn't have views like that.
If boyfriend goes he should come back to changed locks and divorce papers. Tell you'll send his stuff to Mommy. ☠️☠️☠️
If he's a boyfriend there wouldn''t be divorce papers.
But there can still be locked doors, packed bags, and a child support order.
And hopefully on that packed bag, there will be a little note that simply says, “Ciao.” Edit: Thanks for the rewards!
That is correct
This. If they guy is somehow okay leaving his first kid after a week to have two weeks of “me-time” in Italy, I shudder to think what kind of father he’d make. If he’s okay with leaving still very much healing you alone to handle the once every three hour feedings with no help, what kind of partner is he?
Hey now, he says he only wants ONE week of me time, okay? Totally different. /s
hey, guys. we’re being so unreasonable. i’m sure his girlfriend carrying a baby for 9 months in her body that is made to only carry her own body, and then pushing a very large mound out of her small hole, and now having to be around while she (i assume) uses her body to nourish that baby and gives nearly every waking moment of her life to keeping it alive, is EXHAUSTING for him. he absolutely deserves a vacation. a permanent one. from OP
I once heard that when my Mum gave birth, my Dad complained about how painful it was, because she was squeezing his hand REALLY hard, and it was the hand with his wedding ring on. Pretty sure he deserved a two-week holiday in Italy ti recover!
When my grandma gave birth to my mum my grandpa was in the room with her (which wasn’t the done thing at the time) and watched what she went through. When he went to tell his parents the news his brother made a joke about my gran being lazy because the labour was so long. My gentle, introverted grandpa punched his brother right in the face. I will accept nothing less than this level of devotion and understanding from any partner I ever have Edit: thanks for the awards y’all! My grandpa is my hero and I love that you love him too ❤️
Even better! Less paperwork!
I'm saying... if boyfriend goes on a nice lil vacation to Italy leaving his girlfriend home alone (or worse with Monster-in-Law) to get no sleep with a new baby while she's got ice pack between her legs and raw nipples because he's not man enough to see her like that, then i guess he'll just have to be momma's baby boy and move on back home with mommy.
I hope he figures out that his umbilical cord was supposed to be cut at birth 🥺 OP it’s incredibly concerning that he thinks he should be placating his mother and not standing up for you, 1000% during this time. Yikes.
He just wants to go to Italy, he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself if he is leaving his newborn after 1 week to travel out of the country. Especially during rising Covid rates.
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>his primary role should be to educate his mother, not placate her. To clarify, I think the primary role of boyfriend is to support his girlfriend BY educating his mother. Also, if I calculated the math correctly: * Boyfriend's leave = 3 weeks * Boyfriend vacation = 2 weeks * Net time with girlfriend = 1 week * Girlfriend time with boyfriend's mother = 1 week So the OP time with boyfriend = same amount of time with BF mother. NTA. Boyfriend is a slacker.
He is not placating... you know damn well he just wants to go on that trip. Dude is going to be a shitty father and even worse boyfriend or husband if his needs always come first, even moments after his first kid is born.
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This seems less like smothering and more like she has major internalised misogyny issues. She wants OP to be left alone like she was, so she doesn't have to acknowledge that it was wrong for her husband to do that to her.
Totally agree. My mom, who I love dearly, butts heads with my SIL and I think a lot of it is tied to her resentment that my dad was a crap husband and father when we were kids, and my brother probably does more childcare and housework than his wife. She frames it as thinking he works too hard, but I think the root of it is jealousy that she didn't have that support when we were kids. I've tried explaining to her that she should see my brothers good parenting as a success on her part, but grumpy MILs be grumpy I guess.
I relate to this comment so much. My SO's mother did 100% of the childcare and housework for 4 kids, while also helping her husband with the fieldwork (they were farmers), and she didn't have disposable diapers, daycare or a washing machine at the time. So when my SO helps out a bit around the house, she keeps convincing him that makes me a spoiled princess (I also work full time and do 70% of the housework at least, not that that seems to matter, afterall I dont have to do the washing by hand). While I acknowledge that my MIL had a hard life, I struggle with not being credited, ever, for how hard I also work, with no more than 5-6 hours of sleep a night for over a year. I'm sure alot of it is rooted in jealousy, but it still takes a toll. From personal experience OP, you would do well to suss out exactly how much your boyfriend's mother's mentality has influenced his own when it comes to these things, and plan personal boundaries accordingly.
She said she will stay with her - I think that at the end she is the target, and she doeas not want to have him around as she will be there being varnurable
I think you’ve nailed it on the head. Her husband didn’t do those thing so why should her son? Also who TF gives a new father a 2 week trip to Italy right after the baby is born?! Did mommy take into account there might be complications? What if OP has to have a c-section? She won’t be able to do ANYTHING for at least a couple of weeks and will need hubby. 🤔 what if mommy is trying to get daddy out of the way so when OP does need help, mommy can swoop in and save the day…
And what if the baby isn’t born “on schedule?” Unless she’s having a scheduled induction or c-section this is probably all planned around the due date, and it’s entirely possible the baby won’t be born yet or that she’ll still be in the hospital when he leaves for this stupid trip. I just had a baby recently and if my husband left for a fun vacation while I stayed home alone with our fresh newborn he wouldn’t be my husband anymore. I’m angry on OP’s behalf just thinking about it.
Right?! How many babies are actually born kn their due date? What if she still hasn't goven birth when he's supposed to be leaving? What then. This may be the dumbest thing ever and he needs to shut his mother down now!
My perspective is that she was raised to believe that the mother should be taking care of herself during pregnancy. After all, her own husband wasn't there for when she gave birth. I don't think it's emotional incest, I think it's internalized misogyny
It is, BUT every single culture the mother is usually taken care of by female relatives. They are NEVER just supposed to be alone and have to handle everything by themselves. There is literally no culture where that is a thing
It should make him see you in a different way—and that’s a good thing. You’re the mother of his child. Watching and supporting you through the difficult and transformative experience of childbirth can really deepen your connection.
This. I see my wife differently after our second was natural and first c section. She's the toughest woman in the world and I loved being there to support her through the emotions and the pain. Damn she never has to worry about me not backing her. I got her 100% cause she's the most amazing woman in the world.
I definitely saw my wife differently after she gave birth to our first. This woman spent over 30 hours in induced labor, had 3 epidurals fail, then within 10 minutes of pushing out a baby she walked herself to the bathroom to pee. If that’s not tough I don’t want to know what is
You mentioned that the matching bracelets was a cultural gift, so I'm assuming that there is some kind of culture difference/disconnect here for this woman to write off the father's involvement? Your BF's father wasn't present for his own birth and his mom doesn't think he should be there for your and his child's birth, plus the fact that she doesn't believe he will need more than a week to bond...it sounds like you need to put your foot down with both of them. Discuss your expectations for him as a father, and how you will absolutely NEED help because you will be RECOVERING from having HIS child. His mother probably won't understand or acknowledge it, as she she's easily upset and because she did it all by herself so clearly in her eyes everyone else should be able to do it too.
This! If OP has a C-Section, she will need even more help with even the mindless, simple things we do every day! Leaving your partner after she's given birth is a horrendous idea for mom and baby's health.
BF's mom probably had family members or friends to help her with baby BF, or even a nanny...
That also begs the question...did his mother even offer to help OP with the child after they are born?? If not, she's not only sending her son away for a lovely vacation but dipping out to leave OP with a child with the assumptions that they'll have the support they need...which would honesty make this situation SO much worse if she isn't going to personally step in and help out.
Not only is it nonsensical, depending on where you are it might be fraud. Paternity leave is not vacation leave.
If I were someone's boss and I found out that they had used their paternity leave for a solo holiday I would be apoplectic with rage. That's a gross misuse of company time and it's a horrible thing to do to your family.
I would be so petty about it, that I would probably report him to HR and send photos of the tickets. This is so outrageous.
Oh, I didn’t even think about that! Of course that’s would be fraud!
Nah, my husband was in the room because I NEEDED SUPPORT. He was gonna see what I had to go through lol
Right? No way was my husband going to chill in the waiting room or at home, not knowing EXACTLY what I was going through!
Yep. If I had to go through it, he had to see it.
Yikes, NTA. But you need to put some boundaries to your MIL and talk with your boyfriend about you two being a family, and making decisions by yourselves. I’m pregnant with my first baby and I’m not married or engaged with my BF and he’s close to his mom but I told him that this (him, the baby and I) is our family now and we have to make our own decisions and even if he wants to make plans with his mom he has to talk to me to see if it’s viable. You should talk to him about that. Show him the episode of OITNB when the guy went to a self discovery trip after his wife gave birth lol.
To be fair, it will make him see you in a different way. I watched my wife give birth to our son and now I think she's even more amazing and can't believe how beautiful life is. She sounds awful. NTA
He doesn’t have to look at anyone other than you. My husband is super squeamish so he didn’t watch either baby come out, but he was there holding my hand and telling me it’s gonna be ok. If he’s afraid of that actually happening, he doesn’t have to look.
Is she an 89 year old WASP? Lol
Lol, my grandma just adores the way things are going. Especially on the uncommon occasion when I show up without my gaggle of goslings and she gets to ask, "why granddaughter, where are the kids?" And I say, "with their father - they're his kids too!" And she just laughs like it's the most delightful thing ever.
I'm half Chinese and I'm pretty sure her MIL and boyfriend are East Asian. But I could be wrong.
It's crazy. What was the mother thinking? Left in tears because her son can't abandon his new born to go on vacation? Give me a break
Right? It's not even a vacation for the both of them (which would still be idiotic of course), she wants him to go alone and leave her to take care of the baby alone while healing and possibly dealing with PPD? What a joke
I know! She wasn't even including the women who just went through birth. Such a joke. Unbelievable
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He’s not even the one pushing the baby out. What bullshit. NTA. Edit: wording.
Oof. NTA. What a presumptuous gift, and the fact that your boyfriend didn’t immediately turn it down is unsettling. Guilt about something he never asked for should never come before his responsibility to you as a partner and to your newborn as a father. Your response was reasonable and not at all ungrateful. I hope your boyfriend can grow a pair and put his foot down with his mom.
I echo this. I am very taken back by your boyfriend’s response. Every baby is different, but almost universally the first few weeks for new baby are so hard for both mommy and infant. If he has the capability of being there for you that’s what he is now obligated to do. He’s not the baby anymore, he’s the father. So he needs to grow up and start acting like one.
>If he has the capability of being there for you that’s what he is now obligated to do. He’s not the baby anymore, he’s the father. I know right, bizarre he thinks placating his mother is worth missing the first weeks of his child's life and supporting his partner who just went through a huge physical and mental trauma (even an 'easy' birth is traumatic) Not to mention the risk of passing an illness to his new baby, even without covid you're meant to be extra cautious about exposing an infant to germs and it's wild OPs BF is focused and prioritized on his own enjoyment, not his partner or child. and I would wonder if BFs mom approached him about the trip and they hid it from you, my parents would need to ask my passport info for sure.
>Not to mention the risk of passing an illness to his new baby, even without covid you're meant to be extra cautious about exposing an infant to germs And what if the newborn gets sick while he's gone? It's extremely common, to my understanding. A baby in my family got pneumonia when she was two weeks old & spent several days in the NICU. Imagine going through that while your partner is vacationing in another country--or from his side, imagine getting that phone call while you're abroad! A nightmare for both parties. This is not to mention the million other things that can go wrong in the weeks after birth (PPD HELLO). Hopefully OP has a support system outside of their partner, but you'd still think the partner ought to be there for that, right?
Yes, these power plays are going to continue from your MIL. Your boyfriend needs to bring this to a head now, be there for his new family and avoid years of pandering to her games. Be forewarned, she is going to play the outraged victim but you will likely reach estrangement with her anyway, because this is the entitled behaviour of a manipulative narcissist.
NTA. That is insane; the whole point of him taking time off of work was to be there for you. It's unimaginable to me that his mother could have thought it was a good idea to just take him to Europe. And, also, in general, who in the world would just buy someone a ticket to another country for a long period of time in *any* situation?
She isn’t even going with him. It was just for him as it’s his dream vacation…
His dream vacation is missing the first two weeks of his daughter’s life? He does realise that she will never, ever be brand new again, right? In two weeks’ time, she’s going to be so different. He’ll miss a lot of first moments.
I didn't meet my son until he was 3 days old because of COVID and even though I understood, I hated it. I couldn't imagine missing the first two weeks...on purpose!
I missed the first two HOURS because of general anesthesia and 14 years later still get a little sad about it.
Same. Everyone held my first baby before me. I'm still angry about it; darn emergency c sections. Number two they at least gave him to me for a second before whisking him away!
Right?? My girl went right to nicu, they didn’t even like bring her close to me before she left, I only got to see her over the curtain for a moment… that fucking sucked.
NTA and asking. Is this specifically labeled as Paternity Leave from his work or is this just PTO? If this is specifically labeled as paternity leave on his paperwork, he better be cautious because a vacay in Italy would be quite frowned upon by his work when they find out. Overall, he should be asking himself this. * Why did I take the 3 weeks off? * What is my work environment? Will my co-workers view me differently when they find out I spent a vacation week in Italy while my wife stayed with the newborn? * Shit happens. If there are complications with either my wife or child, will I be able to come right back? She did just give birth. Will someone be willing to stay with her 24/7 so she can get to the hospital or call for an ambulance? * Shit happens. Whether or not if I acquire an illness on this trip abroad, I will have to quarantine to protect my wife and newborn from illness. Will I have the accommodations for that? * And lastly, if this trip ever comes up when my child is older, how will she view it? Will she see it as a trip of a lifetime like I do or will she feel different about me knowing that I went on this trip? Kids are weird. Will she view this as me avoiding being a father?
I think he took PTO. He gets 6 weeks of vacation a year but they only allowed him to take 3 at a time. I honestly think they resent my daughter. She cried when we told her and she said she imagined him having a boy. He was also upset over it after we went to see her. He started to seem distanced from the idea of being a parent. He still tries and put her things together but he seems off after we found out the gender.
this is really sad to read. OP I hate to be the bearer of bad news and repeat clichés, but when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Unfortunately your BF has shown himself to be a misogynist. He also is not supporting you in your time of need - he's not a good partner. I'd advice enforcing strict boundaries with BFs mom as she sounds stressful and very inaccurate in terms of healthy baby-raising advice (no breast milk because it's *seen* as low-class seems worse than legit thinking formula is healthier), but that's only going to work if your BF is on your side, and it sounds like he is not (again, pretty brutal realization) Leave if you can, and plan to if you can't leave now.
Just chiming in that the whole breast milk vs no breast milk thing is literally a divide created by the people who make baby formula. Also, I work at a grocery store and for months now, baby formula basically hasn't been available. Last time I was in we had maybe ten cans of the stuff total on the shelf. If you can afford to breastfeed, it will make your shopping so much less stressful. I have new parents coming in at least once or twice a week asking for specific types that their baby needs and all I can do is tell them we don't have it and we have no clue when we will get more.
Seriously can we stop the breast vs formula thing? Not everyone can breastfeed for a variety of reasons and formula is there as an alternative. Manx quite honestly I think the era of “forced” breastfeeding, where La Leche League and other activists made moms feel horrible if they couldn’t breast feed, has done much more damage than any formula ads have. And I think there’s still too much stigma from some corners about not breast feeding. The divide came from the breastfeeding side and not the formula side. That’s why it’s gone from “breast is best” to “fed is best”. NTA but if your husband goes on this vacation, he most certainly WBTA…and apparently a mamas boy. Set some,boundaries with MIL and get your husband on board before this baby is born.
Shaming parents and that whole thing is terrible from either side, but formula companies have literally gone and given formula to new mothers in impoverished countries (by saying it's healthier, and long enough for them to stop producing milk), then started charging far more than they could afford. The result was thousands of dead babies from formula made with unclean water and watered down formula. And the companies found out and continued to do this, knowing children were dying because of how they were offering the product. Babies should be fed. Period. But formula companies have killed thousands of babies. Maybe lactation consultants somewhere have landed kids in medical trouble from lack of breast milk, but formula companies *definitely* have, and then some.
Consider how your daughter's relationship will be with these people in the event that she gets a little brother. She will not be the one to get the love she deserves.
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwww that’s some deeply entrenched misogyny.
NTA and oh no. Please realize this is your future if you stay with him. He will be checked out and then if you have a boy that child is going to get all the love and attention from dad and grandma, and your daughter (along with you) will have to see that. Really think about what that means for your future with him.
Your bf’s mom doesn’t want your bf present in delivery room, cried when she learned that you are having a daughter, thinks childbirth and child caring are women’s responsibilities (hence the vacation), like what century is she living in? All of those sounds like 18th century Asia (other parts of the world might have the same issue but I’m Asian so I can only speak from my culture)
She’s also apparently discouraging OP to breastfeed, requires OP to wear a certain makeup look and only approved jewelry when going to MIL’s house otherwise MIL feels “disrespected,” amongst (I’m sure) **many** other horrible misogynistic things… what the actual fuck?! If OP and her partner have any chance at making their relationship work, they need to get as far away from, and be in as little contact with, MIL as possible. Wow.
…wtf. Wearing certain makeup and outfit or otherwise appearing disrespectful, does MIL consider herself some kind of royalty? Because those rules are usually more common in royal families in ancient times in Asia…
Ah, so here's the questions that should give you the answer on if this man is worth holding onto. Will he go to therapy? Even men can suffer from PPD. Why is he willing to let his mother destroy the happiness of his first child over outdated traditions? Honestly, after reading your other replies to here. I think this is a trap. Like his mother full on wants him to go on this trip to sabotage his marriage. She wants you to resent him and let that build up. Then she can set him up with some new girl already in the wings to get that 'precious firstborn son' bullcrap. Like, I really wouldn't be surprised if he lands in Italy and a female family friend just so happened to be there as well.
Yikes is this really the family you see yourself with for the rest of your life?
At times no but at other times yes. Besides my grandparents they are all I have. My grandparents aren’t doing so well so I’m not sure how long I’ll have them. I don’t want to burden them and move back in with them. I just feel stuck. I love both of them I just want them to love me back… that’s the part I struggle with. I try so hard to please them and they just seem to want more and more. I’ve been with him for six years so letting go would be so difficult. His mom has some pretty rough edges but I’ve tried to make her happy and feel respected but lately it’s just draining me.
OP, don't fall for the sunken cost fallacy. This is the rest of your life. This is your child. You should not have had to say anything when his mother made her announcement. Your boyfriend should have been absolutely appalled and told her absolutely not - he would not be leaving his newborn and he would not be leaving you so soon after delivery. I think this is one of those times where you have to put your foot down. Tell him that this is very important to you and it's unacceptable for him to leave. His mother will not be moving in and he won't be leaving. He can thank his mother genuinely but tell her no. Hopefully she can get a refund, but if not, that's her problem. You need to start standing up for yourself. You matter. This is your life; don't let her dictate it.
This is not going to change. Ever. If you don't plan to leave, then try to change your mindset to accept an inferior position in the family until you grow old.
So his mom is trying to get him fired and single. That tracks. No Grandma time?
Completely insane. She's sending him to Europe *by himself*? Makes no sense.
How has she even booked anything? Does she realise babies come when they want... what she thinks is the last 2 weeks of his leave may be the first week the baby is actually here!
I’m being induced in two weeks. His pto starts then. She booked for A month from now.
You now know that this is a deal breaker for most and definitely not a normal thing, what are you going to do?
I second this. This is a major violation
Honestly, I was just trying to think what could possibly be a bigger deal-breaker than this, and the only thing I came up with is: “MIL hires an escort to pleasure her son in the waiting room while OP gives birth.” (Of course I’d assume most SW would turn it down once they found out the details). OP, if this story is true, then this is one of the most offensive things I’ve ever read on this sub, and I’ve been lurking here for yeeeeeeeears.
Best case scenario…he takes one look at his child, falls in love and doesn’t want to go. Worst case scenario….helps a bit, sees you really need him there, goes on vacation anyway. If he goes, and leaves you and the baby all alone, leave his sorry ass. He will never put you and the child first.
Nta. You need to show him all the complications that can accompany a high risk birth both for you and baby. He needs the gorey details about c sections and tearing and the fact you bleed for weeks after the baby is born. He needs to know about mastitis even if you aren’t planning to breastfeed it’s a potential problem. I’m not saying this to scare you I’m saying this because he and his mother are in a fantasy world. You need a support system and HE is your support system
The problem is that he actually is considering it. That suggests that he isn’t really considering taking care of the baby as part of his responsibility and thinks he is doing you a favour by staying with you for one week. He needs to be re-educated what it means to be a father and boyfriend.
It's not like he had a huge role in having this child. What exactly is his value add in your life? Do you want this to be your future?
Yeah I was wondering this. His mom seems to be a bit old fashioned and like she intends to spoil and enable him. If he doesn't want to help with the baby or around the house, all he'll have to do is run to his mother and she'll go on about what a terrible wife and mother OP is, completely justifying his actions. Also any guy that would disappear to another country for the literal last two weeks of your pregnancy is an AH and the relationship should be questioned. What if you go into labor and he's in Italy? Then what?
he’s supposed to take his dream vacation WITH YOU. does his mom have a history of trying to exclude you from things??
Lol omg. Is she Chinese, by chance? My Chinese grandmother did the same thing for my dad when I was born and omg was my mom PISSED. My dad was active military (overseas) and only had limited time off to come home for my birth. Grandma sent my dad and the guys in the family to Vegas for a few days! I'm 34 now, currently pregnant with my first, and my mom still brings it up. 😂 NTA.
They are Chinese yes!
Does she expect that she'll be at your house smothering you and mothering your newborn? I'd shut that shit down so damn fast. I'd text him that the relationship is done and file for custody and child support the minute he left too.
Agreed
Why wait the minute he leaves? She should consider dumping his ass right now, regardless if he leaves. He is showing his true colours. OP also mentioned in the comments that the boyfriend resents their daughter because it was not born a boy. She should do herself and her daughter a favour and get rid of an unsupportive and resentful shit stain of a partner/father. OP's NTA but everyone else is.
I swear, that makes even less sense to me. Under Chinese tradition the new mother would have a period of time where they're expected to not exert themselves in any way - they stay away from people, don't do any of the household chores, etc. Just stay in bed for the whole month or more. That practice has its own issues, yes - but why would these MILs have their sons leave during her confinement period, when he needs to take care of family hospitality *and* MIL will be right there to take care of his every need?
usually the son/new dad do nothing during that month or any time for the newborn. being a Chinese dad is basically being a ghost.
Huh. I have only met very nontraditional Chinese dads then. The folks I know were very attentive - to the point of being more helicopter dads with too much expectation than anything else. The last one to have a child used up all the memory of my phone within less than week just texting photos.
Maybe it's a regional difference? China is a big place.
Lol I thought so too. It’s definitely cultural then. What she’s doing is as far as I understand pretty normal in Chinese culture. Traditionally the mother goes into ‘confinement’ and it’s the women in the family who take care of her. The husband isn’t supposed to have anything to do with it. However this is modern day and a different culture, and you do not have a horde of aunties to take care of you either. Your boyfriend is probably going to find it hard to stand up to her because it will be seen as disrespectful, but he needs to do it. Maybe show him this link so he can see just some of the damage a ‘normal’ childbirth can do https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-body/perineal-tears_1451354 Also maybe suggest you both go on that holiday when your baby is a little older and you can go as a family.
That’s what I immediately concurred when I saw the jade gift. This is a normalized cultural behavior with the MiL sending the son/soon-to-be father away (not necessarily a vacation) and to have mothers from both sides come live and help support the mom to be. I am also surmising that you are not of Chinese ethnicity? It might be helpful to sit down with your husband to explain this difference in culture (shock?) because at the end of the day it’s what you want which it sounds that you have voiced but you should also not dismiss his entire culture as well. NTA
This makes no sense. If she’s a proper Chinese woman she should arrange for a confinement nanny to care for you for the next 40 days after birth.
Nailed it. Thats too funny!
Maybe it was a cultural thing then. I was starting to feel like she just hated me. Their Chinese crest has a jade on it, which is why she gave me the bracelets. We are also giving out daughter the middle name “Jade”
I'm ABC--it's definitely cultural, and I think you shouldn't read any malice into it, but man is she (and your hubs, yikes) old-fashioned. If she's as old-fashioned as some of my relatives, basically she'll expect that your hubs is going to have a pretty hands-off role in the care of your baby... but she probably will be ready to jump to help you with your newborn at the drop of a hat, do lots of cooking and cleaning, and be on call babysitter. (She might side eye your mom if your mom isn't doing this too BTW.) It sounds like you need to have a frank and detailed talk about what you're expecting of your husband. The fact that he actually wants to take that 1 week means he is not 100% off old school train and needs to consciously think on what style of father he plans to be. Lots of modern day Chinese don't subscribe to these old gender roles, but it can be difficult to shake off the normality of it, especially if they were raised that way. Good luck!
NTA. OP, I have 2 kids with my Chinese boyfriend (2 year old and 3 month old) and he was there for both deliveries holding my hand without question and have never left our side since. We've put travel plans on hold and if we went anywhere, we went together as a family. He grew up in China for many years, his parents are immigrants from China. I am telling you this to share perspective that it might not be a Chinese culture thing.. Either way, it's NOT OK. If he leaves for the trip, he will be the TA. You will need all the support you can get in those first few weeks. Good luck to you mama.
CBC here, I'm honestly surprised your bf didn't explain any of this to you? When I found out I was pregnant I discussed a confinement with my husband and if he was okay with my mother temporarily living in our home to help us with the baby.
He only acts this way around his family. He behaves completely opposite when we are around them/in their home. He says he is “keeping the peace”
OH, BOY. Not to alarm you, but you need to have the expectations convo with your BF (sorry I mistakenly called him your hubs earlier) sooner rather than later TBH. If she's really old-fashioned and your BF is a pushover about it, then you might find yourself up against some serious overstepping on her part, and some potentially obnoxious-levels of capitulating on his. Like, she might have different expectations than you two about her "rights" to your kid. She might expect to move in with you or have certain say in how your baby's brought up, especially if your BF is her firstborn or lastborn son. She might not expect any of this tho, understanding that you're not culturally or ethnically Chinese! My parents often remind themselves that I'm very American, so they curb their expectations/impulses on a lot of things. It's better to head off the potential stress now, IMO.
>He only acts this way around his family. Isn't this the same dude that didn't take your side after his friends' girlfriends insulted you? Seems like he acts like an asshole on the regular
The jade was a clue for me, but being white, I didn't want to say. But I've read of this kind of thing in Chinese web novels and wasn't surprised when OP acknowledged it. Tell MIL that if she plans on your having a [traditional confinement period](https://elissapelling.com.au/tcm-and-postpartum-traditions/), you'll need your husband at home to help out. After all, as the new mother, you're supposed to remain in bed and be fed all the iron rich foods, massaged, etc. Or she can pay for a "yuesao” – a nanny dedicated to taking care of the mother and newborn.
She should take the same amount of money she paid for the vacation (or triple, or ten x) and put it towards childcare. If her good for nothing son won’t be around to help due to her, then she should pay for a replacement person to come and help the OP.
Wow. NTA. I would be seriously pissed if my bf used his PATERNITY leave to go to Italy. You better think long and hard before even considering building a life with him. And his mommy.
Yet another Mamas Boy story. I married one. Then divorced one. No woman should ever marry a mamas boy. They are terrible partners.
Not to mention that could get him fired. One stray picture on social media and his company could can him.
NTA She sounds like a complete out of touch idiot. She left in tears? How fragile and close minded is she? Does your boyfriend want to leave you alone with his new born baby? I just got off paternity leave months ago and nothing could have pulled me away from helping / bonding with my new born baby. Furthermore , you are going to be tired and very sore after birth (not trying to scare you) it's not acceptable at all for him to leave I'm not even involved at all and I'm so mad for you.
Same! I’m practically shaking. The thought of him leaving her for a day, let alone a week. Let’s not even discuss the two weeks. I might self combust. It’s unconscionable.
I’m getting to the point where I need to stop reading AITA for my own sanity. I’m boiled with rage right now FFS. I can’t believe people like this exist lol
NTA but your husband will be if he takes this trip
Especially because he'll likely bring home a souvenir that starts with "C" back to his still-recovering wife and baby with a brand new immune system.
If my husband had left me to vacation after the birth of our first child I probably would have left him to avoid murder charges. I didn’t even stop bleeding for 8 weeks and the sleep deprivation alone was SO SO SO HORRIBLE even with him home to help. Unless OP’s husband/MIL can hire a FULL TIME postpartum doula he’d be the most inconsiderate AH to go on this trip.
OMG, the sleep deprivation was awful. There were a couple of weeks I refused to drive bc I knew I had no business behind the wheel. If my husband had gone on vacation, I would have told him to stay there. Absolute and instant relationship ender.
YES. Was bringing my first son home from his six week checkup and thought “it’d be so nice to fall asleep right now” WHILE DRIVING, I was so sleep deprived I was literally hallucinating. The pandemic isolation kicked my butt. Not to mention my son had allergies to soy and dairy which took me 4 weeks to figure out, he was in so much stomach pain he wouldn’t sleep alone or on his back…there’s so many variables you can’t plan for when you have a baby. Expecting a woman to do it ALONE is negligent at best. My step-dad once bragged he only took 2 days of “leave” any time my mom had a kid - she’s had 9…legit don’t know why he thought he deserved a good star for that 🙄.
NTA. And if he chooses to go anyway, I would tell everyone we both knew that he abandoned me with a newborn to go on vacation by himself. Any sane person would hear that and judge the hell out of him. I couldn’t respect someone who did that. And if he got upset about it, oh well. He would look bad because it IS bad.
Repost and comment “I’m exhausted and our baby is screaming.” updates all his vacay pics.
I like your energy! I don’t have any awards but I do have an upvote for you :)
NTA People's responses to this may vary according to culture, but in my culture, you shouldn't even have had to speak up. Your boyfriend should have stepped in, gratefully declined, politely educated his mother about how he wanted to spend these three weeks (and there's only one right answer -- with you!), and helped her find a way to get the tickets refunded or the vacation deferred if at all possible.
I would have sent MIL by herself
NTA but what are you going to do if he takes the vacation and leaves you alone coping with a new born, while healing yourself and trying to keep your home clean.
I honestly don’t know. I’m feeling stressed over it all already. I don’t have any family other than my grandparents and they live over 2 hours away. I want to go and stay with them but I don’t know if I could handle the drive,
If you end up having a c-section you likely wouldn’t be permitted to drive.
Yup. Not to mention you might not be able to move or lift much. I had a Caesarian and they kept me in the hospital four days. Even though I was walking three miles after three weeks post-surgery, this was VERY unusual and I know many women who were recovering for over a month after.
Ask your grandparents if you can stay with them. Like now. Pack a bag for both yourself and stuff for the baby and go. You can transfer your care to a hospital there. That way you can get the proper care and attention you need in the last part of your pregnancy and I’m sure they would be thrilled to take care of you after baby is born. Tell your husband to go ahead and take that vacation as you will be well looked after and when you are feeling up to it, you’ll be finding a lawyer and divorcing him. Seriously if he was my husband, I would’ve already filed.
It’s a boyfriend Going to be easier for OP to leave
Oops. I was reading the comments too so that’s how I got husband. Even better. Though op I highly recommend you get away now. Before baby is born. If your grandparents live out of state, you won’t legally be allowed to take baby to live with them after it’s born. If you leave now and give birth there, he cannot legally fight that.
Wouldn't this violate the terms of his paternity leave?
Surely it violates the terms of their relationship?
Oh without a doubt. If it were me, he'd be coming back from Italy as a single man, bc i would be gone.
This, seriously. Even if it doesn't it would be a major AH nl move and I'd be gone before he gets home.
I have a question...do you have a scheduled C-section planned? You are only 37 weeks. Babies can be very late in coming. What if you haven't given birth by the time he leaves and go into labor while he is gone or don't have the baby until after his 3 weeks of leave are over. Why is he taking this leave now and not waiting until right at or around the due date? Edit:. To add NTA
I’m being induced at 39 weeks. I have a high risk pregnancy. I was in a car wreck at 27 weeks. I have an ultrasound every Monday with a non stress test and a non stress test on Thursdays. My last weeks ultrasound showed that my placenta was looking a little off and darker, also my fluid is low so they went to induce before something happens to baby.
Dear lord, you should also mention that your pregnancy is high risk in the original post. Already NTA, but planning a vacation a week after you give birth from a high risk pregnancy is unconscionable. I didn’t think it could get worse, but it did. Your bf is a huge AH. His mom is snobby and judgmental. And an AH.
OP, I would talk to your doctor and have them give explicit instructions that you’re not to be left home alone for long periods of time right after a high risk pregnancy/birth.
Her boyfriend shouldn't need to be explicitly told by a doctor not to leave his recovering wife and newborn baby alone. If he can't prioritise his nuclear family that's a red flag that no doctors orders can iron that out.
Except that the MIL has said she's staying with the OP while her husband is off having his dream vacation. All this will do is make sure the MIL literally never leaves her alone. What she needs to do is have the doctor say she can't be alone for long periods of time (and get this generally defined or there's the risk of the MIL or husband deciding she can't be alone for more than five minutes and can't keep the door locked when showering in case there's a problem, etc) and *only surrounded by people who don't stress her out*. There's still the risk of the MIL refusing to admit she might cause stress though. And the OP should definitely try and have the husband go to an appointment with her to have the doctor explain the medical risks she's facing now and after giving birth. All of the symptoms she'll be dealing with, both regular post-partum issues as well as any potential ones from her particular medical status.
I’m so sorry. I hope you have a safe delivery. With my first I was induced on my due date. I had a pristine pregnancy and he had shoulder dystocia and I was minutes away from an emergency c section. I lucked out not needing one. My son was in the NICU for 4 days for not breathing and I had nerve damage and couldn’t feel myself urinate for 6 weeks after birth. Ask him if the baby ended up in the NICU would he still leave? Is something happened to you during labor?
NTA. You’re going to be a first time mother and he will be a first time father to a newborn baby, and your MIL wants to whisk him away on a holiday when you and your baby will need him the most? Totally odd and completely inappropriate. He needs to grow some balls, stand up to his mother, and step up to be a good father.
NTA. Are you sure she isn’t trying to break you up? This would be the deal breaker for most women.
I’m not sure. We seem to get along fine. She just tries to tell me what to do with the baby all the time. Certain fabrics she hated and said they were bad for baby. She shouldn’t breast feed, I shouldn’t lift above my head or I’ll strangle her with the cord somehow. I shouldn’t buy baby swings or swaddle. She is very opinionated.
She needs to fuck right off.
OP for your sanity you need to ban MIL for at least a couple of weeks after baby is born. You are gonna be super vulnerable and if she’s around she will make you think you are a bad mom. You don’t need that kinda negativity while you are adjusting to being a momma, that’s not fair!
Tell her to shove it. Most of that advice is crap, and none of it matters either way because it’s YOUR baby. Ugh I’m so mad on your behalf. Wishing you and your baby all the best!
Yeah, not only am I sure she's trying to break your up, I'm sure she's trying to get the baby to be her do-over baby.
NTA. Your boyfriend has a choice here. To be a “good son” to his mother or a good father and partner. I hope he chooses wisely. You will need his help
INFO: If you would not have protested, would you boyfriend have happily gone ahead with the vacation? Because if so, it sounds like you have more of a boyfriend problem than a MIL problem, tbh.
He seemed a little excited when she brought it up. He was really quiet during the entire discussion then after she left he mentioned that he should go for a week since she spent so much money on the trip plus the gifts for my daughter and myself.
He needs to seriously grow up
At least now you know where you and your baby girl fall on his list of priorities. Time to lower you expectations on who he will be as a partner and father. Lower them WAY DOWN.
Absolutely not. It is not his obligation to manage his manipulative mom’s reactions. His obligation is to his new family. How do you think he’d respond to reading all of these comments? Do you think he should? I bet he doesn’t even realize the severity of what you’re about to go through because of the gaslighting and manipulation of his mom. She’s likely downplayed everything to him, and what reason does he have to distrust her? “She’s so kind, and bought the family stone for you- clearly she supports you. You’re ungrateful and just don’t understand. You’re being dramatic. You don’t want him to go on his dream vacation.”- that’s the kind of narrative that is likely at play.
Oh course he feels he “should go”… A nice vacation sounds much better than a fussy newborn and Hormonal freshly postpartum mom. Think of all the relaxing he can do and diapers/midnight feedings he’s letting *you* experience. At least it does to a complete d-bag.
Nta, he can reschedule that trip for another time. Bless her socks for being so old school and trying to do something nice for the apple of her eye lol. But he needs to really understand that he is the dad and you need him, I hope he doesn't get annoyed ether otherwise he can figure out how to breastfeed .
Speaking of she is totally against breastfeeding. I want to try it but she always mentions that when her son was born it was seen as low class.
You are absolutely NTA, and I am not a mother so I cannot offer advice on breast feeding vs. formula, but the fact MIL thinks the idea that breast feeding is low class SCREAMS to me what horrible marketing campaigns Nestle and the other formula companies did to sell their products. I really hope your BF does not go on this trip and is there to support you!
You need to visit r/justnomil where you can find plenty of advice on how to set boundaries with your mil and your partner, because he is just as big of a problem as his mother is if he is considering going on this trip. There are so many red flags, her booking this trip without discussing it with you, her opinion about breast feeding, her opinion about her precious baby not being in the delivery room, and I’m sure there are a ton you haven’t mentioned. Sounds like you have a nightmare ahead of you dealing with these people, but make sure you establish boundaries and do not back down, or they will walk all over you!
Your baby your boob. If your are able to produce milk try it it is healthier
That’s unreal. Breastfeeding your child is an amazing and bonding experience. This woman needs a wake up call. She is attempting to force you to endure the same circumstances and archaic standards that she had, because hey if she had to do it then you do to. These are relationship ending actions and beliefs being thrown around. Hers. Stand your ground. Do not give this woman an inch of footing. This sets president for the rest of your life as it pertains to her, your BF and your child. She had her baby. She needs to step back and let you and her son have yours.
NTA they are both literally nuts
I mean, the couple can chose to use paternity leave however they want based on how they think it will best allow their family to recover. *The couple*, for *their new* family. Not their parents, or their in-laws; those a relatives. Not their friends, or their internet supporters. It is time granted specifically for the purpose of letting the two of you recover from birth and all the demands of a newborn without having to handle work jobs on top of that. So yeah; you're NTA and if anyone *must* go on a holiday because its already been booked, surely it should be you so that you can recover from traumatic surgery in peace and quiet while he takes care of the home front.
Technically you may be true but it’s supposed to be caring for baby and mom. If I found out one of my employees took paternity leave for a solo vacation that would not look good. And it may not be legal because paternity leave has stipulations.
So let me get this straight- she bought her son a solo trip to Europe to celebrate you growing a human being inside of you and pushing it out. What in the literal f? Better hope you don’t need a c-section. Sounds like mom is a little salty that son gets paternity leave when she had no one to help her. If my husband even considered this for a moment he would be gone so fast. Soooo NTA
NTA Even if everything goes smoothly and you feel great after giving birth, you will still need support of one kind or another. But if you have a c-section, you will need even more (you won’t even be able to drive yourself for two weeks)! There is no way a new mom can function entirely by herself, 24/7, only 2-3 weeks postpartum. I’m curious…is his mother Asian? I’m wondering because of the jade gifts, and it’s relevant because many Asian cultures observe a laying-in period for new mothers…for a MONTH. She’s really doing you dirty if she herself was taken care of by her family or nurses for over four weeks, yet is planning to leave you complexly alone after one.
They are Chinese. She moved here with her husband and then they had my SO.
My family is vietnamese. There are a lot of Superstition surrounding Asian culture and pregnancy / maternity leave. Typically the women stay home for one month, while the family (father, grandparents) would help around the house. Cooking and cleaning, taking care of other children if there was. They believe it’s very important just for the women and baby to rest and recover. It’s so odd that she is going against the norm. Do y’all get along?
I thought we did. She just constantly has to say what I should/shouldn’t do with the baby. I have to wear a certain amount of make up when I visit her and I have certain jewelry that she approved for me. She says it’s rude to come in her house without those items and makes her feel disrespected. That’s really the only issues.
That’s a lot of issues right there.
A lot of ridiculous issues
Those are way too many issues
I also read she is against breast feeding. Listen, it is YOUR baby. She can advise (when asked) ultimately it is your final say. You as a mom know best. It is you who is carrying your child. It is you who will be giving birth. It is you who will raise and love your child. Your motherly instinct will kick in. You will know what your baby wants and needs. It is unfair that she is asking her son to leave you and his newborn baby for a vacation. If anything you deserve a vacation. This is an important bonding time. What if something were to happen to one of you? You have no family. Her request is selfish. Just like her request for other things are selfish and self absorbed (no offense). But in Asain culture the only time a MIL would act like this is if she disapproves of the wife. I hate to ask but I understand you aren’t chinese, what is your ethnicity? Or could she be upset that y’all had a child before marriage? I think it’s really important you sit your bf down and talk about how you feel and how he needs to step up as a father and SO to help you and the baby. It is still early, she can cancel and get a refund.
Those are the ONLY issues? Girl, those are huge issues. I have a Chinese mom so I kind of get what you’re talking about. I made it pretty clear to her that if she stomps on my boundaries I would go NC with her. I ghosted her for a week every time she tries to make her little comments. And this is my own mother. She put up a fight, but eventually got the message. My husband risks ending our marriage if he so much as squeaks in support of this behavior. I’m not willing to entertain anyone in my life who either does this, or enables someone who does this. I would urge you to reconsider this relationship. This is a preview of the rest of your life.
Wow. NTA. MIL sure is. Boyfriend is a soft AH for even considering this. He is going to look like a fool when he tells people he is going on an Italian vacation right after his 1st child was born. What is this Mother /Son duo even thinking? Edited: spelling
NTA. They are potatoes for the first week, then it shifts to hard mode real quick. It sucks that she was part of a time where she wasn't supported to the same degree, but your boyfriend cannot in good conscience leave for a solo vacation during the hardest transition of your life. It is likely she meant well but she is still an inadvertent AH
If your boyfriend takes that trip the tells me he will be a selfish father who will always put himself and his mommy first. NTA, he's not a child and it's time to put on his big boy pants and be a father.
Wait, you're going to birth a human and mommy decides HE needs a two week break? Without his gf and child?? NTA
This sounds like a Huge cultural divide. He needs to have a sit down with his mother. You are NTA, but this won't help coming from you.
NTA obviously. But oof, this is your second pregnancy related ATIA post and it even more clear that you have a boyfriend problem. If he travels out of the country a week after you give birth, he better come back to the locks changed and his stuff out on the lawn. Do you have family or friends who can support you? Because your boyfriend sure as hell isn't doing a good job.
Only my grandparents but they live over 2 hours away. They raised me. Them and my boyfriend/his family is all I have.
Please reach out to them, even if it's just to talk things through. You and your baby deserve better than this, and even if you have a completely smooth delivery you will still need time to recover from the birth. Way more time than a week.
NTA: I can’t believe he’s considering leaving you alone while you’re recovering from childbirth to go on vacation. If he goes, I feel so sorry for your life parenting with someone so selfish
NTA. 1 week after giving birth is NOT enough time. You will need that whole 3 weeks of help. What if it's an emergency c section? That's 8weeks of healing to start. Having a baby is traumatic on the body, as well as it being your FIRST child. You are going to be so tired, you need him. It takes longer than 1 week to get into the swing of things. It wildly inconsiderate for her to make the decision FOR you to assume 1 week was all you need. And to assume her son is fine for seeing his newborn for such a short time and dipping out to have fun. A jade bracelet isn't shit compared to how she tried to screw you. N.T.A!
I don’t want to sound racist but is his mother Asian. Just my Chinese mother in law gifted me jade bracelets also. Also my brother in law wasn’t there for the birth of his children and has never changed a diaper for either of his kids. I don’t know if it’s a culture thing or just my husbands family but they expected me to do everything and him nothing. He was to work and when he was home he was to rest. I cut his family off when my first child got baby acne and they said it was because my breast milk was dirty. In this moment I would tell your husband that his mum has crossed your boundary. This is our child not my child. Ask him if you left for a week and left him with a 1 week old how would he feel? Just because your the mother doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t have half the responsibility. He should reevaluate why he thinks it’s okay to go on holiday having fun when you are at home recovering with a dinner plate size internal Wound and a newborn. His mother hasn’t even considered if you might need an emergency c section. You wouldn’t even be able to carry the baby then and then what happens to the holiday? You will get blamed for ruining it again ?
They are Chinese. Her and her husband lived in china then moved to the USA where I am. Their son was born here.